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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:40,748 --> 00:00:47,629 # Become, become mighty! # 2 00:00:47,788 --> 00:00:54,549 # Become, become powerful! # 3 00:04:54,508 --> 00:04:59,909 Greetings, dear sauna! 4 00:06:18,149 --> 00:06:19,828 I remember when I was little 5 00:06:19,909 --> 00:06:22,508 then children weren't taken to a hairdresser. 6 00:06:22,628 --> 00:06:25,108 Instead some lady just took out the scissors. 7 00:06:25,188 --> 00:06:27,509 I remember how this scissor-lady wondered and sighed: 8 00:06:27,589 --> 00:06:32,109 "How will you, a poor girl, manage growing up? 9 00:06:32,189 --> 00:06:37,789 She has no hope as a woman: twisted teeth, too skinny. 10 00:06:38,268 --> 00:06:42,229 Blue circles under eyes, hair so thin." 11 00:06:44,469 --> 00:06:50,388 No one told me directly that I'm ugly, but it was implied. 12 00:06:50,469 --> 00:06:53,349 People were concerned that you were not up to par. 13 00:06:53,469 --> 00:06:55,029 Exactly! 14 00:06:55,229 --> 00:06:59,628 My sister had long blonde hair and father loved to say: 15 00:06:59,748 --> 00:07:02,388 "So pretty, like something handmade." 16 00:07:02,508 --> 00:07:04,388 Everyone admired her. 17 00:07:04,508 --> 00:07:07,668 In my case people just asked how I'm doing at school 18 00:07:07,748 --> 00:07:09,709 and whether I have good grades. 19 00:07:09,868 --> 00:07:13,149 That's what my relatives expected from me. 20 00:07:14,068 --> 00:07:17,909 I remember that I went to my mother to ask, 21 00:07:18,229 --> 00:07:21,549 is it so that I'm not beautiful at all? 22 00:07:22,469 --> 00:07:25,828 Mother must have wanted to comfort me. She said: 23 00:07:26,109 --> 00:07:30,109 "Well yes, but you are unique!" 24 00:07:32,388 --> 00:07:35,589 I realized that I'm really not beautiful. 25 00:07:35,868 --> 00:07:39,909 And with such knowledge it wasn't easy to be in the women's world. 26 00:07:41,029 --> 00:07:47,308 It took me a long time, before I started to feel beautiful. 27 00:07:47,628 --> 00:07:51,349 I think I was in my forties when I started to feel beautiful. 28 00:07:59,549 --> 00:08:05,628 I feel that it was a huge blow for my mother 29 00:08:05,828 --> 00:08:11,709 that she had a daughter... who is fat. 30 00:08:12,068 --> 00:08:18,149 ...who is not suitable to be a ballerina. 31 00:08:19,229 --> 00:08:21,709 She herself dreamt of becoming a ballerina. 32 00:08:21,789 --> 00:08:26,868 In relation to that I remember that the best compliment from my mother, 33 00:08:26,948 --> 00:08:29,469 that me and my sisters have received, 34 00:08:29,549 --> 00:08:33,028 is when she has said: "Oh, you've become so skinny!" 35 00:08:33,148 --> 00:08:35,788 This is the best praise. 36 00:08:36,309 --> 00:08:40,349 When you hear that you feel - now I'm good! 37 00:08:41,788 --> 00:08:46,229 First memories of my mother are that she stands in front of a mirror 38 00:08:46,309 --> 00:08:48,788 and observes herself. 39 00:08:49,628 --> 00:08:51,828 She has lifted her clothes, spins herself, 40 00:08:51,908 --> 00:08:54,349 checks her butt, cellulite or whatever - 41 00:08:54,429 --> 00:08:57,949 and she's not satisfied with herself. 42 00:08:58,949 --> 00:09:04,709 Her dream was to get breast enhancement, so that all men would desire her. 43 00:09:04,829 --> 00:09:08,628 The main thing as a woman was to attract men. 44 00:09:08,748 --> 00:09:11,388 That makes you a valuable woman. 45 00:09:12,388 --> 00:09:16,069 The only good thing about my body was that I had beautiful breasts 46 00:09:16,189 --> 00:09:21,109 when they began to grow. Then my mother was happy. 47 00:09:23,949 --> 00:09:26,989 My sister was 5 years older than me. 48 00:09:27,069 --> 00:09:31,788 She developed faster. She was busty. 49 00:09:32,668 --> 00:09:36,829 I was still waiting for my breasts to start growing. 50 00:09:36,949 --> 00:09:40,788 I remember riding a bike with apples under my shirt - 51 00:09:40,868 --> 00:09:44,589 it felt like they were jumping. 52 00:10:09,349 --> 00:10:11,989 Is it steady? - Yes. 53 00:11:09,829 --> 00:11:11,429 Socks on hands! 54 00:11:28,949 --> 00:11:31,109 Beat the nape of my neck. 55 00:11:33,589 --> 00:11:35,748 Onto the shoulders. 56 00:11:53,148 --> 00:11:57,229 I knew from movies that your hair might fall out. 57 00:11:57,949 --> 00:12:01,189 But I never thought that all the body hair would come off. 58 00:12:03,829 --> 00:12:07,109 I went to the bathroom and my panties were full of hair. 59 00:12:07,229 --> 00:12:09,908 Then I remembered that two weeks have passed 60 00:12:09,989 --> 00:12:11,709 and my hair should come off. 61 00:12:11,829 --> 00:12:13,989 I pulled my hair and it did come off. 62 00:12:14,189 --> 00:12:16,309 One handful and another... 63 00:12:16,548 --> 00:12:18,308 You just pull and that's it? - Yes. 64 00:12:18,388 --> 00:12:22,548 I was sitting in front of the oven, took them and put them in the oven. 65 00:12:23,668 --> 00:12:28,148 This diagnosis made me rethink life a lot. 66 00:12:28,788 --> 00:12:32,028 I don't think I felt sick for a second. 67 00:12:32,109 --> 00:12:34,788 I just thought that I'm very tired. 68 00:12:35,508 --> 00:12:38,229 I thought I just need a vacation. 69 00:12:38,388 --> 00:12:41,309 There was just a little dimple here. 70 00:12:41,949 --> 00:12:45,829 I thought I'll make a Christmas present to myself 71 00:12:45,909 --> 00:12:48,069 and went for a medical check-up. 72 00:12:48,589 --> 00:12:51,148 It turned out... 73 00:12:51,268 --> 00:12:53,429 that I have breast cancer. 74 00:12:54,229 --> 00:12:56,989 My first reaction was like - 75 00:12:57,189 --> 00:13:01,069 probably the fear of death - everything inside you freezes. 76 00:13:01,748 --> 00:13:05,748 For about two or three days 77 00:13:06,309 --> 00:13:09,148 I didn't even go to the toilet. I didn't eat. 78 00:13:09,229 --> 00:13:13,589 I was canceling Christmas parties and other things. 79 00:13:14,349 --> 00:13:19,709 Then I realized I'm dying in this fear of death. 80 00:13:21,429 --> 00:13:24,429 I invited a friend to visit me - 81 00:13:25,148 --> 00:13:31,908 I'm crying, talking and whining about death to my friend - 82 00:13:32,349 --> 00:13:34,268 and then I get a phone call. 83 00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:37,388 I was invited to a date. 84 00:13:38,868 --> 00:13:44,668 It was such an absurd situation. I'm preparing to die here... 85 00:13:45,028 --> 00:13:47,908 That laughter freed me from the fear. 86 00:13:47,989 --> 00:13:52,069 I realized that I'm not dead yet - why am I wailing? 87 00:13:52,469 --> 00:13:54,868 And then I decided to start living. 88 00:13:55,148 --> 00:13:59,189 The first thing I did was reconsider all my Christmas party invitations. 89 00:13:59,469 --> 00:14:01,508 I went to all the parties. 90 00:14:01,788 --> 00:14:05,349 On the next day this man texted and apologized. 91 00:14:05,429 --> 00:14:08,668 I probably wasn't the only one who received those invitations. 92 00:14:08,748 --> 00:14:10,628 He said he was drunk. 93 00:14:10,788 --> 00:14:13,588 I called back and said: "I don't know what these other women think... 94 00:14:13,668 --> 00:14:15,868 but I am grateful to you for the rest of my life!" 95 00:14:26,028 --> 00:14:29,989 You know such things happen to people, 96 00:14:30,069 --> 00:14:34,229 but you never think it could happen to you. 97 00:14:36,788 --> 00:14:38,828 I don't have a uterus. 98 00:14:38,908 --> 00:14:42,589 I don't have one of my ovaries; part of my breast is missing. 99 00:14:43,109 --> 00:14:46,309 Quite a few organs have been cut out from me. 100 00:14:46,949 --> 00:14:51,908 But when I had this last operation - then I felt that... 101 00:14:52,709 --> 00:14:55,868 ...the soul cannot be cut away. 102 00:15:17,989 --> 00:15:20,148 Wooh! Well done! 103 00:15:21,748 --> 00:15:25,229 Give it once more, so it breaks off properly. 104 00:17:04,308 --> 00:17:07,709 Smoke sauna is a sacred place where you cleanse yourself. 105 00:17:07,949 --> 00:17:10,949 When you wash yourself clean - it is a blessing. 106 00:17:11,268 --> 00:17:14,429 You can wash off all your dirt. 107 00:17:14,828 --> 00:17:17,588 We thanked the person who heats the sauna. 108 00:17:17,669 --> 00:17:20,189 Also the person who brought the water. 109 00:17:20,828 --> 00:17:22,949 Women gave birth in smoke sauna. 110 00:17:23,108 --> 00:17:26,508 The smoke sauna was heated, the mother was placed in a bath tub, 111 00:17:26,588 --> 00:17:29,828 and when it was time to deliver, she was taken out of the bath tub. 112 00:17:29,909 --> 00:17:32,548 Then childbirth was easy and not so painful. 113 00:17:32,709 --> 00:17:35,348 When a son was born, he was the new master of the house. 114 00:17:35,709 --> 00:17:37,989 But when a daughter was born - oh... 115 00:17:38,308 --> 00:17:39,989 The daughter is... 116 00:17:40,149 --> 00:17:43,989 No one said they wanted a daughter - a son was wanted more. 117 00:17:44,469 --> 00:17:46,709 The sons worked, 118 00:17:46,828 --> 00:17:50,709 but daughters had to be given away with a dowry in marriage. 119 00:18:21,108 --> 00:18:24,308 My relatives have now left me in peace with this subject, 120 00:18:24,429 --> 00:18:28,108 but for a while I thought I'll just make someone up. 121 00:18:28,709 --> 00:18:31,469 Just to get this topic off the agenda. 122 00:18:31,629 --> 00:18:35,629 I actually have very nice relatives... but yes - that opened my eyes. 123 00:18:35,709 --> 00:18:38,748 I thought the problem was that no one wanted me. 124 00:18:38,828 --> 00:18:42,228 And they thought, that I don't want anyone and the choice is so huge. 125 00:18:42,308 --> 00:18:45,429 You start looking at it differently. 126 00:18:45,709 --> 00:18:48,228 Whether there are many fish or less fish in the sea, 127 00:18:48,308 --> 00:18:50,068 is actually all in your head. 128 00:18:50,149 --> 00:18:51,548 Exactly. 129 00:18:51,669 --> 00:18:57,229 I'm not sure if this pressure comes more from the society or from myself. 130 00:18:57,909 --> 00:19:02,189 It was also very important to me to have some kind of companion. 131 00:19:02,308 --> 00:19:05,669 Although, most of the time I didn't have one. 132 00:19:05,909 --> 00:19:10,149 Then again - I've been married and there has been this and that. 133 00:19:10,389 --> 00:19:11,989 But... 134 00:19:13,989 --> 00:19:15,909 I was somewhere over 30 135 00:19:16,028 --> 00:19:20,189 when I accepted that it's OK to be alone as well. 136 00:19:21,028 --> 00:19:25,188 And when I then went to some family events - 137 00:19:25,268 --> 00:19:27,268 funerals or things like that - 138 00:19:27,389 --> 00:19:30,828 then all the time the tension just grew and grew, 139 00:19:30,949 --> 00:19:34,788 because I realized I'm already 34-35. 140 00:19:34,908 --> 00:19:37,428 My parents are not even asking anymore - 141 00:19:37,508 --> 00:19:39,149 they have lost all hope. 142 00:19:40,348 --> 00:19:43,508 They probably want grandchildren, but there are none - 143 00:19:43,629 --> 00:19:47,748 and then all the time this pressure grows and grows. 144 00:19:48,149 --> 00:19:52,629 I remember one especially funny moment from a funeral. 145 00:19:52,949 --> 00:19:56,189 During this period I had a partner. 146 00:19:56,589 --> 00:19:59,468 He wasn't with me at the funeral, but at least I could say, 147 00:19:59,548 --> 00:20:02,028 that I have a man with a 12-year-old child. 148 00:20:02,268 --> 00:20:05,909 And then one of my female relatives said: 149 00:20:06,068 --> 00:20:08,389 "At least it's something!" 150 00:20:16,989 --> 00:20:18,508 ...lukewarm water. 151 00:20:25,068 --> 00:20:27,189 You can drink it too, right? 152 00:20:27,629 --> 00:20:29,108 Yes. 153 00:20:34,149 --> 00:20:38,869 I went to a wedding recently and such a joke developed there: 154 00:20:38,989 --> 00:20:42,228 to the woman who catches the bridal bouquet, 155 00:20:42,308 --> 00:20:46,189 all the male guests will have to send their dick-pics. 156 00:20:50,588 --> 00:20:53,548 From those pictures she can choose? 157 00:20:55,149 --> 00:20:57,108 I don't remember how we got there. 158 00:20:57,709 --> 00:20:59,508 Do you know what just happened? 159 00:20:59,629 --> 00:21:01,989 I thought dick-pic was some new app. 160 00:21:05,788 --> 00:21:07,709 I didn't understand right away. 161 00:21:10,909 --> 00:21:14,149 I have never received any dick pictures. 162 00:21:14,348 --> 00:21:17,068 How exactly does it work? 163 00:21:17,348 --> 00:21:21,669 What exactly are they photographing? 164 00:21:22,028 --> 00:21:25,508 My friend has had it and it's pretty awful. 165 00:21:25,629 --> 00:21:27,949 This is some Tinder thing. 166 00:21:28,068 --> 00:21:31,189 A guy starts to talk to you 167 00:21:31,348 --> 00:21:34,748 and then all of a sudden a dick-pic arrives! 168 00:21:34,869 --> 00:21:37,348 It's a real shock! 169 00:21:40,869 --> 00:21:43,748 I wouldn't imagine that I'm on Tinder, 170 00:21:43,828 --> 00:21:46,709 and then suddenly I'll send a pussy picture. 171 00:21:47,748 --> 00:21:50,268 It's so funny. I can't imagine it either. 172 00:21:51,469 --> 00:21:56,389 I had a partner who in the middle of sex 173 00:21:56,508 --> 00:22:00,989 decided to come up with an 'interesting' role play. 174 00:22:01,348 --> 00:22:05,389 Before entering me, 175 00:22:05,709 --> 00:22:07,709 he said: "Ask for it!" 176 00:22:09,149 --> 00:22:10,629 Like - "Beg for it!" 177 00:22:10,989 --> 00:22:14,429 And then I had to say this - 178 00:22:15,068 --> 00:22:18,828 there must have been a word I don't remember any more - 179 00:22:18,909 --> 00:22:21,989 but basically I had to ask: "May I have the penis, please?" 180 00:22:22,949 --> 00:22:25,108 And I asked it once but... 181 00:22:26,548 --> 00:22:28,429 My mind went blank! 182 00:22:29,869 --> 00:22:35,348 So I said: "May I have the penis, please!" 183 00:22:35,469 --> 00:22:38,869 And then he said: "No, ask nicely!" 184 00:22:39,389 --> 00:22:44,028 This desire to be wanted and to hear, 185 00:22:44,149 --> 00:22:48,348 that she wants me so bad she begs for it. 186 00:22:48,429 --> 00:22:52,308 What did he mean nicely? - The influence of porn movies? 187 00:22:52,469 --> 00:22:57,469 Probably. But I guess I asked in a softer voice then. 188 00:22:57,669 --> 00:22:59,429 "May I have the penis, please?" 189 00:23:02,989 --> 00:23:05,308 It was so surreal. 190 00:23:06,188 --> 00:23:08,988 I couldn't even get angry, 191 00:23:09,068 --> 00:23:13,308 because for me it was like... greetings from the outer space. 192 00:23:13,429 --> 00:23:16,949 I had never encountered such a thing before. 193 00:27:26,028 --> 00:27:27,709 Have you told your mother? 194 00:27:28,068 --> 00:27:29,469 Does she know? 195 00:27:29,629 --> 00:27:31,108 And father? 196 00:27:31,189 --> 00:27:34,469 They found out this year. Actually last year. 197 00:27:36,748 --> 00:27:38,508 Directly from me. 198 00:27:38,629 --> 00:27:41,469 Maybe they guessed, but probably not. 199 00:27:42,508 --> 00:27:44,068 Oh, God! When was it? 200 00:27:44,149 --> 00:27:46,869 2009 - almost ten years ago. 201 00:27:47,268 --> 00:27:50,828 I went to a three day swimming camp. 202 00:27:50,949 --> 00:27:55,588 I stayed at a friend's place. She was a very close friend of mine. 203 00:27:56,148 --> 00:27:59,468 I remember - I sat there on the couch... 204 00:27:59,548 --> 00:28:02,548 ...two more girls sat on another couch. 205 00:28:02,949 --> 00:28:06,028 And out of nowhere comes this feeling... 206 00:28:06,149 --> 00:28:09,348 The biggest storm you have ever felt, just drops on you! 207 00:28:09,429 --> 00:28:12,108 And I feel a feeling that I have never felt before! 208 00:28:12,189 --> 00:28:16,028 A hundred times more powerful than anything I thought I could ever feel. 209 00:28:16,108 --> 00:28:18,629 I know precisely that it is towards that person. 210 00:28:18,709 --> 00:28:23,308 And I know that it's something which means love - and it shocked me. 211 00:28:23,469 --> 00:28:25,508 I could not say a word that evening anymore. 212 00:28:25,588 --> 00:28:27,708 I did not tell anyone; did not share it with anyone. 213 00:28:27,788 --> 00:28:30,068 And then I was like: "Really?! Do I like women now? 214 00:28:30,149 --> 00:28:34,429 Are you kidding me? Can life get any worse than it already is?" 215 00:28:34,709 --> 00:28:39,948 At least I now understood why I didn't match with any man. 216 00:28:40,028 --> 00:28:42,548 I knew I had to end my current relationship! 217 00:28:42,989 --> 00:28:47,268 It took me three weeks to end the relationship with this man. 218 00:28:48,028 --> 00:28:51,788 It was really difficult to tell him - my partner at that time. 219 00:28:52,308 --> 00:28:55,429 I did not know how to talk about such things at that time. 220 00:28:55,709 --> 00:28:58,469 I kind of made up a reason... 221 00:28:58,588 --> 00:29:00,508 "Hey, you are a bit too feminine for me! 222 00:29:00,588 --> 00:29:02,149 It doesn't really work for me!" 223 00:29:02,229 --> 00:29:04,229 Something completely nonsensical. 224 00:29:04,548 --> 00:29:08,588 I imagine it must have left a big scar on him. 225 00:29:08,709 --> 00:29:12,229 It was not nice, but I didn't know how to say it in any other way. 226 00:29:12,669 --> 00:29:15,909 Then I started the journey to accept myself. 227 00:29:16,028 --> 00:29:19,149 Started to discover, whether it is really true. 228 00:29:19,389 --> 00:29:21,508 That was a very complex process... 229 00:29:21,588 --> 00:29:23,909 Because the person towards whom I had those feelings... 230 00:29:23,989 --> 00:29:25,949 I told her that I have such feelings, 231 00:29:26,068 --> 00:29:27,909 but I'm not expecting anything from you. 232 00:29:27,989 --> 00:29:29,828 I definitely don't want anything from you. 233 00:29:29,949 --> 00:29:32,748 But I felt that we can't continue talking 234 00:29:32,828 --> 00:29:34,988 before I get this out of myself. 235 00:29:35,068 --> 00:29:36,909 If cards are not open? - Yes. 236 00:29:37,028 --> 00:29:41,068 And there was total abandonment. 237 00:29:41,708 --> 00:29:44,988 She said I was the filthiest person she had ever met. 238 00:29:45,068 --> 00:29:47,469 And that hurt. That really hurt me. 239 00:29:47,588 --> 00:29:51,469 Something that is so natural to me, that I'm still learning about myself... 240 00:29:51,629 --> 00:29:53,989 And someone says that I'm filthy. 241 00:29:54,189 --> 00:29:56,909 It was painful and it was a process - 242 00:29:57,508 --> 00:29:59,748 quite a lengthy process. 243 00:30:00,868 --> 00:30:04,708 Last year I went to my parents house and thought: 244 00:30:04,788 --> 00:30:06,268 "Dammit! I will tell them!" 245 00:30:06,348 --> 00:30:09,068 But it was somehow uncomfortable, I didn't want to do it. 246 00:30:09,149 --> 00:30:10,909 But then my partner 247 00:30:10,989 --> 00:30:14,069 for some reason had brought flowers to the front door at night! 248 00:30:14,149 --> 00:30:16,788 Like a big bouquet of flowers. 249 00:30:16,909 --> 00:30:19,669 I wake up in the morning and hear, "Elsa, you've got flowers!" 250 00:30:19,788 --> 00:30:24,469 Flowers? Are you kidding me? I knew from whom they were. 251 00:30:24,709 --> 00:30:29,709 Dad asks: "Oh! You have a boyfriend?!" "Who sent you flowers?" 252 00:30:30,149 --> 00:30:34,268 I was like, "OK, I've been given the chance..." 253 00:30:34,668 --> 00:30:37,428 I felt so uncomfortable there in the kitchen and I just said: 254 00:30:37,508 --> 00:30:40,188 "Yeah, well, very nice flowers..." 255 00:30:40,268 --> 00:30:42,988 I went to the second floor for a moment, 256 00:30:43,068 --> 00:30:45,788 and thought why am I not taking this opportunity? 257 00:30:45,869 --> 00:30:49,068 Went back downstairs and said: "Dad, you asked who sent the flowers?" 258 00:30:49,149 --> 00:30:50,788 "Yes, so I asked." 259 00:30:50,908 --> 00:30:55,668 I said: "Well, I got them from my partner - she's a woman." 260 00:30:55,748 --> 00:30:58,948 I don't remember how exactly, but I said we're in a relationship. 261 00:30:59,028 --> 00:31:01,308 Dad turns away from the TV and looks at me. 262 00:31:01,389 --> 00:31:03,669 "What?! Are you a lesbian?!" 263 00:31:03,788 --> 00:31:08,709 I answered, "Yeah, I don't know. I guess that's how they call us." 264 00:31:08,989 --> 00:31:12,948 He said, "Ah", turned back to the TV and didn't say anything more. 265 00:31:13,028 --> 00:31:15,668 And then mom sits on the sofa and knowingly says: 266 00:31:15,748 --> 00:31:17,869 "A human is a human!" 267 00:31:18,748 --> 00:31:20,308 And that was it. 268 00:31:21,348 --> 00:31:24,348 And this topic has not been discussed further in our family. 269 00:31:36,909 --> 00:31:39,869 Don't you want to wet your hair? 270 00:32:17,508 --> 00:32:21,828 Only the closest people knew how my mother really was. 271 00:32:21,949 --> 00:32:25,108 Others kept repeating how good a person she is. 272 00:32:26,388 --> 00:32:30,228 I listened to how she closed the door, to guess what mood she's in. 273 00:32:30,308 --> 00:32:33,668 And often she was in mood or was just tired. 274 00:32:33,748 --> 00:32:35,428 She had three children. 275 00:32:35,508 --> 00:32:40,229 The Soviet Union collapse... Coupon times... 276 00:32:40,429 --> 00:32:43,308 As she closes the door, what kind of steps are approaching? 277 00:32:43,389 --> 00:32:47,108 "The dishes are unwashed again! What are you doing here?" 278 00:32:47,189 --> 00:32:49,149 It was so scary. 279 00:32:49,588 --> 00:32:53,748 Another time she came home 280 00:32:54,028 --> 00:32:57,548 and had planned to go to pick blueberries. 281 00:32:57,629 --> 00:33:00,068 But me and my sister were both tired. 282 00:33:00,348 --> 00:33:03,629 I said: "I don't want to go to pick blueberries today." 283 00:33:03,748 --> 00:33:08,429 In anger she threw buckets all over the yard. 284 00:33:08,869 --> 00:33:12,028 "Nothing is done here, everything is like..." 285 00:33:12,189 --> 00:33:18,548 At one point I remember, I started to walk out of the gate... 286 00:33:18,869 --> 00:33:24,028 ...and she ran after me with a scythe, trying to cut me with it. 287 00:33:24,108 --> 00:33:28,469 I ran for my life as she chased me with the scythe. 288 00:33:28,989 --> 00:33:33,909 Had I stopped, she would have simply cut my legs off. 289 00:33:40,508 --> 00:33:44,308 You asked me whether I wanted my mother to be still alive. 290 00:33:44,429 --> 00:33:46,629 When she died, just like in her lifetime, 291 00:33:46,709 --> 00:33:48,229 I had conflicting feelings. 292 00:33:48,348 --> 00:33:51,149 I wished her dead while she was alive. 293 00:33:51,229 --> 00:33:54,468 From time to time, I even had thoughts that I was going to kill her, 294 00:33:54,548 --> 00:33:58,028 and sometimes I was afraid she would come and kill me. 295 00:33:58,788 --> 00:34:03,308 It was scary. It was so scary. 296 00:34:04,469 --> 00:34:08,949 And yet she loved us very much, she loved me very much. 297 00:34:09,228 --> 00:34:11,429 What did it look like? 298 00:34:17,068 --> 00:34:19,269 Love, yes, I... 299 00:34:19,508 --> 00:34:23,349 I felt like she was caring for us as best she could. 300 00:34:23,588 --> 00:34:25,269 That she was scared all the time, 301 00:34:25,389 --> 00:34:28,429 her heart trembled for us - is everything okay with us? 302 00:34:28,708 --> 00:34:32,148 She had to check all the time to make sure we were alright. 303 00:34:33,148 --> 00:34:35,148 That we have everything. 304 00:34:35,428 --> 00:34:38,468 That we do things, as she understands them to be right, 305 00:34:38,548 --> 00:34:40,789 because then everything is alright with us. 306 00:34:41,228 --> 00:34:45,188 This was an expression of her care, she did not know any other way. 307 00:34:45,309 --> 00:34:47,429 Only through total control. 308 00:34:48,469 --> 00:34:50,628 There was no such word like love in our family. 309 00:34:50,708 --> 00:34:52,668 If you said that then father asks immediately: 310 00:34:52,749 --> 00:34:56,269 �What is that?� He just asked it again this year. 311 00:34:56,349 --> 00:34:59,269 I answered that it's an interesting animal. 312 00:35:00,148 --> 00:35:02,228 Is it some kind of food? 313 00:35:04,508 --> 00:35:07,749 Estonians don't really want to talk about it. 314 00:35:07,869 --> 00:35:09,028 Yes. 315 00:35:11,068 --> 00:35:13,909 What about hugging, fondling, being cuddled? 316 00:35:13,989 --> 00:35:15,829 No, never, never. 317 00:35:15,909 --> 00:35:18,708 Once I was away from home for almost five years. 318 00:35:18,789 --> 00:35:24,068 My return home was a surprise. They didn't know about it. 319 00:35:24,469 --> 00:35:29,749 Mother was at home when I arrived on a bicycle. Dad was not. 320 00:35:29,869 --> 00:35:33,749 I entered through the hallway and peeked into the kitchen. 321 00:35:33,829 --> 00:35:35,749 Mom looks at me and says: "Oh, you're home." 322 00:35:35,869 --> 00:35:40,068 And that was it - no hugging, no cooking, nothing. 323 00:35:40,268 --> 00:35:42,988 And no one asked, how was your trip? 324 00:35:43,068 --> 00:35:45,428 Where did you go, what did you do? - How are you? 325 00:35:45,508 --> 00:35:47,869 How do you feel? Who are your friends? 326 00:35:47,989 --> 00:35:49,829 Oh, you found the time to come. 327 00:35:49,909 --> 00:35:53,468 Exactly that "oh, you found the time." 328 00:35:53,548 --> 00:35:56,508 Yes, the first phrase is already... 329 00:35:56,628 --> 00:35:59,349 One hour later father comes home 330 00:35:59,429 --> 00:36:01,988 and turns to me with the same "Oh, you're home!" 331 00:36:02,068 --> 00:36:05,628 I asked if they had an agreement to greet me with the same sentence? 332 00:36:05,708 --> 00:36:08,389 Then luckily my brother came and he asked many questions. 333 00:36:08,469 --> 00:36:10,628 I saw how my mother listened very intently. 334 00:36:10,708 --> 00:36:13,188 My brother also told me that she actually has read 335 00:36:13,269 --> 00:36:15,068 all the possible things about my trip. 336 00:36:15,148 --> 00:36:18,468 But she doesn't want to show me that she knows, that she's interested. 337 00:36:18,548 --> 00:36:20,468 And then I was like wow - this is so sad. 338 00:36:20,548 --> 00:36:22,988 Because caring must not be shown. It is a weakness. 339 00:36:23,068 --> 00:36:24,068 Yes. 340 00:36:37,668 --> 00:36:40,108 You've always had the courage to run away. 341 00:36:40,228 --> 00:36:42,829 You have had the courage to do something else. 342 00:36:44,148 --> 00:36:47,749 This is something I admire so much 343 00:36:47,909 --> 00:36:50,309 and what I have never dared to do. 344 00:37:13,068 --> 00:37:15,028 There was hugging, yes, 345 00:37:15,148 --> 00:37:18,028 putting hands around the neck and kissing too. 346 00:37:18,108 --> 00:37:20,628 Nothing but a kiss was allowed. 347 00:37:22,588 --> 00:37:24,228 Mother explained: 348 00:37:24,349 --> 00:37:28,148 "You can sleep with a boy but you can't give yourself to him!" 349 00:37:28,789 --> 00:37:32,508 "Don't let the boy touch you where he doesn't need to!" 350 00:37:33,429 --> 00:37:38,708 If at that time a girl had a child, it was a great shame. 351 00:40:07,668 --> 00:40:09,668 In a way 352 00:40:09,829 --> 00:40:17,228 the Earth's ability to produce food is a resource. 353 00:40:17,469 --> 00:40:21,269 The female body is also seen as a resource. 354 00:40:22,389 --> 00:40:27,068 Women's ability to give birth has been seen as a resource. 355 00:40:27,389 --> 00:40:35,228 Do you think men should have any say on the decision of give birth or not? 356 00:40:35,749 --> 00:40:39,749 This decision should be only up to the women. 357 00:40:39,949 --> 00:40:45,588 What women want to do with their body should only be up to them. 358 00:40:45,789 --> 00:40:48,548 There should be no say from anybody 359 00:40:48,628 --> 00:40:54,028 whether you should have more or any children. 360 00:40:54,588 --> 00:40:58,228 Have you ever had an abortion? - Yes, once. 361 00:40:59,269 --> 00:41:04,068 How old were you? - In my early twenties. 362 00:41:06,108 --> 00:41:08,588 I have also had an abortion. 363 00:41:31,028 --> 00:41:33,028 With me it was like this. 364 00:41:33,349 --> 00:41:36,389 I really loved one boy. 365 00:41:38,349 --> 00:41:40,228 And then I got pregnant. 366 00:41:40,909 --> 00:41:44,869 I was so happy when I found out I was pregnant. 367 00:41:45,028 --> 00:41:47,628 I invited this boy to visit me. 368 00:41:48,389 --> 00:41:52,469 I thought this was such good news - 369 00:41:53,989 --> 00:41:55,789 and then I told him. 370 00:41:57,548 --> 00:42:01,469 He got silent and after a while he said... 371 00:42:01,588 --> 00:42:04,108 he has to go drinking with his friends now. 372 00:42:07,749 --> 00:42:09,508 And that... 373 00:42:12,869 --> 00:42:16,989 ...that he doesn't want this baby. 374 00:42:19,148 --> 00:42:23,668 If I give birth, I have to deal with everything myself. 375 00:42:23,749 --> 00:42:26,108 He doesn't want to see this child at all. 376 00:42:27,829 --> 00:42:32,028 And I felt like everything broke inside me. 377 00:42:34,909 --> 00:42:37,269 And then I was too scared to give birth. 378 00:42:37,349 --> 00:42:41,789 I found out there was some kind of abortion pill. 379 00:42:42,628 --> 00:42:44,389 It was in Finland then. 380 00:42:44,628 --> 00:42:49,628 In Estonia, some kind of old-school abortion was performed, 381 00:42:49,708 --> 00:42:54,068 where you could become infertile. I was afraid of it. 382 00:42:55,028 --> 00:42:59,028 And then I told my boyfriend 383 00:42:59,309 --> 00:43:01,869 to at least pay for the abortion. 384 00:43:06,508 --> 00:43:13,349 A lump came out in some toilet in Helsinki. 385 00:43:16,989 --> 00:43:20,628 A man can give you money, but you have to go through it. 386 00:43:20,789 --> 00:43:24,389 And you sit in a toilet or at the doctor's office still alone. 387 00:43:24,839 --> 00:43:27,869 I think many men don't know that their wives have had an abortion. 388 00:43:27,949 --> 00:43:29,829 For sure... 389 00:43:30,708 --> 00:43:33,668 My mother has had, for example... 390 00:43:35,068 --> 00:43:37,148 several abortions... 391 00:43:37,469 --> 00:43:40,708 But she's still ashamed, she doesn't dare to say it. 392 00:43:40,869 --> 00:43:42,949 I am also ashamed. 393 00:44:14,309 --> 00:44:21,989 # Oh you dear cheater-groom! # 394 00:44:22,469 --> 00:44:30,148 # You deceived the mother and father-in-law! # 395 00:44:30,469 --> 00:44:38,148 # You deceived their young daughter! # 396 00:44:38,548 --> 00:44:46,228 # You promised to carry her in a carriage! # 397 00:44:46,949 --> 00:44:54,909 # You promised to swing her in the cradle! # 398 00:45:06,028 --> 00:45:11,628 I have been thinking about the choices we have as women. 399 00:45:12,188 --> 00:45:15,988 My grandmother never said it herself, 400 00:45:16,068 --> 00:45:19,469 but I heard about it later. 401 00:45:21,389 --> 00:45:27,588 She was so badly beaten by her husband. 402 00:45:28,829 --> 00:45:33,668 By my grandfather, whom I have never met because he died earlier. 403 00:45:35,028 --> 00:45:42,829 He used to beat her by banging her head against the floor. 404 00:45:43,548 --> 00:45:48,469 Once her ribs were broken and she was taken to the hospital. 405 00:45:48,588 --> 00:45:50,949 And her mental health... 406 00:45:51,469 --> 00:45:56,829 All the huge post-war famine... 407 00:45:57,108 --> 00:46:00,429 Those late 1940s, 1950s... 408 00:46:01,708 --> 00:46:05,909 Collective farms... All these conditions... 409 00:46:07,789 --> 00:46:10,548 So what are your options? 410 00:46:11,188 --> 00:46:16,028 Even when grandfather took another woman 411 00:46:16,108 --> 00:46:18,749 to live with them in the same house, 412 00:46:18,829 --> 00:46:22,548 even then grandmother still... 413 00:46:23,028 --> 00:46:27,508 She remained single after he was already dead. 414 00:46:27,668 --> 00:46:32,668 She still visited his grave from time to time and... 415 00:46:39,508 --> 00:46:42,949 As my grand-aunt said that... 416 00:46:43,309 --> 00:46:47,108 grandmother was crazy about this man. 417 00:46:47,309 --> 00:46:51,668 Everyone warned her about him - 418 00:46:52,949 --> 00:46:55,789 he was a womanizer and a drunkard. 419 00:46:56,349 --> 00:47:00,228 But yes - it's interesting... 420 00:47:01,188 --> 00:47:05,749 Grandmother had made her choice in favor of this man. 421 00:47:06,628 --> 00:47:09,228 And it was such a final choice. 422 00:47:11,588 --> 00:47:17,429 You can be beaten or even beaten to death. 423 00:49:42,949 --> 00:49:47,789 Hair gets too hot otherwise. You can hear them crackling. 424 00:49:48,909 --> 00:49:50,508 Thank you. 425 00:50:25,628 --> 00:50:27,789 You were sleeping. 426 00:50:28,148 --> 00:50:31,989 There were many blankets and the abundance of bedding... 427 00:50:32,749 --> 00:50:34,349 And... 428 00:50:35,349 --> 00:50:37,429 Lord, how beautiful you were. 429 00:50:41,909 --> 00:50:43,628 I hoped you'll stay asleep. 430 00:50:43,708 --> 00:50:47,909 I brought paper and a pen and I drew you. 431 00:50:49,188 --> 00:50:54,708 You slept like that, hand under your chin. 432 00:50:58,148 --> 00:50:59,949 I drew you. 433 00:51:05,269 --> 00:51:07,028 And now I've discovered 434 00:51:07,108 --> 00:51:09,869 that it is the most comfortable position for sleeping. 435 00:51:09,949 --> 00:51:12,269 I even roll the blanket here. 436 00:51:12,389 --> 00:51:15,108 If I have exactly 15 minutes to sleep during a day, 437 00:51:15,188 --> 00:51:20,708 then this is the position where I can really fall asleep immediately. 438 00:51:21,469 --> 00:51:24,909 And when I gave you that picture, even then I was afraid that... 439 00:51:27,309 --> 00:51:31,869 How do you like it or do you consider it important? 440 00:51:39,228 --> 00:51:41,869 I don't really remember how it... 441 00:51:42,628 --> 00:51:44,789 how did it all happen like this... 442 00:51:45,708 --> 00:51:47,909 probably quite tipsy. 443 00:51:48,628 --> 00:51:51,228 But I remember kissing you 444 00:51:51,389 --> 00:51:54,829 or you kissed me or we kissed each other. 445 00:51:57,668 --> 00:51:59,588 But how did it happen? 446 00:52:10,188 --> 00:52:14,548 By the way, I also don't remember how it first happened. 447 00:52:16,108 --> 00:52:19,508 Maybe we were tipsy. 448 00:52:26,749 --> 00:52:29,068 It seemed to me that... 449 00:52:31,989 --> 00:52:39,349 That okay, that in fact you like men, and... 450 00:52:41,989 --> 00:52:47,989 And I was so afraid of getting hurt. 451 00:52:50,829 --> 00:52:53,909 That it turns out to be just a game... 452 00:52:54,548 --> 00:52:55,909 ...for you. 453 00:52:59,708 --> 00:53:03,869 And I didn't have any... it was definitely not a game. 454 00:53:03,949 --> 00:53:08,988 But I didn't understand whether it was anything more than trying it out. 455 00:53:09,068 --> 00:53:13,668 I actually still do not really know... 456 00:53:14,789 --> 00:53:19,668 We have those concepts so strongly in front of us, 457 00:53:19,829 --> 00:53:25,508 that who should offer you intimacy and who is the one you should miss. 458 00:53:26,068 --> 00:53:28,789 We all long for intimacy, 459 00:53:29,188 --> 00:53:31,989 but do we dare to let in that 460 00:53:32,188 --> 00:53:34,188 what seems, well, unusual? 461 00:53:34,309 --> 00:53:38,469 Do we recognize in that moment what we want? 462 00:53:39,389 --> 00:53:44,749 Do you mean that you had this strong concept, 463 00:53:44,869 --> 00:53:47,989 that only a man and a woman should be together? 464 00:53:48,188 --> 00:53:50,428 Yes, and I don't know if I still have it. 465 00:53:50,508 --> 00:53:52,188 I don't know... 466 00:53:53,789 --> 00:53:57,628 Well, I don't feel a huge urge to experiment 467 00:53:57,749 --> 00:54:01,188 but I do know, that I have seen you in my dreams. 468 00:55:28,469 --> 00:55:30,789 Breaking up was a very big sin. 469 00:55:31,508 --> 00:55:35,588 I don't know anyone who would have divorced around here, 470 00:55:36,108 --> 00:55:37,829 never even heard of it. 471 00:55:38,309 --> 00:55:43,548 Those who got married, even if there were difficulties... 472 00:55:44,028 --> 00:55:48,668 Quarreled and fought till they finally reconciled. 473 00:55:48,869 --> 00:55:51,508 And they lived together until death. 474 00:55:53,708 --> 00:55:55,909 My neighbour over the hill, 475 00:55:56,028 --> 00:55:58,269 his wife died and he asked me, 476 00:55:58,349 --> 00:56:01,789 "Dear Mari, will you come to wash her? 477 00:56:01,869 --> 00:56:05,349 I already heated the sauna to warm the water." 478 00:56:05,628 --> 00:56:09,228 Who washes the dead with warm water? I have never heard of it before! 479 00:56:09,349 --> 00:56:11,749 But he had never dealt with the dead before, 480 00:56:11,829 --> 00:56:14,829 he thought the wife should be washed with warm water. 481 00:56:15,909 --> 00:56:18,429 I've washed so many dead people. 482 00:56:18,708 --> 00:56:20,989 I guess I have, I don't know... 483 00:56:21,668 --> 00:56:25,269 Those are called to wash the dead... 484 00:56:25,749 --> 00:56:28,429 who are brave and not afraid. But some fear the dead 485 00:56:28,509 --> 00:56:30,949 and they don't want to touch the dead. 486 00:56:32,028 --> 00:56:35,628 Forty days the soul of the dead is at home. 487 00:56:36,508 --> 00:56:38,469 And sees everything. 488 00:56:39,148 --> 00:56:43,228 Forty days were about to pass after my husband's death. 489 00:56:43,389 --> 00:56:47,269 Forty days was over and it was evening. 490 00:56:47,469 --> 00:56:50,068 While I was sleeping in bed, I opened my eyes 491 00:56:50,188 --> 00:56:52,668 and my husband was standing next to me 492 00:56:52,829 --> 00:56:58,188 wearing the same clothes in which he was buried. 493 00:56:58,989 --> 00:57:03,349 He looked at me and I was so happy - a smile came on my face. 494 00:57:03,469 --> 00:57:05,588 "Well, aren't you dead?" I asked... 495 00:57:05,949 --> 00:57:08,708 As I looked he disappeared. 496 00:57:35,188 --> 00:57:37,668 Feel it. Is it suitable? 497 00:57:39,628 --> 00:57:41,389 Yes, it is. 498 00:57:43,469 --> 00:57:45,989 Dear spirits, now its your turn... 499 00:57:46,148 --> 00:57:48,108 ...come wash yourselves. 500 00:57:55,508 --> 00:57:58,108 If you do a spirits sauna... 501 00:57:58,429 --> 00:58:00,869 I don't dare to call my mother. 502 00:58:01,749 --> 00:58:05,508 Because I feel she might get upset with me. 503 00:58:12,108 --> 00:58:15,869 I have had close experience with death in my life. 504 00:58:16,228 --> 00:58:20,789 I have my own relationship with death. 505 00:58:24,668 --> 00:58:27,508 I was 39 years old when I became pregnant. 506 00:58:27,628 --> 00:58:29,789 It was the second time in my life. 507 00:58:31,708 --> 00:58:34,869 My first child was already big. 508 00:58:35,789 --> 00:58:37,869 There was a new love in my life. 509 00:58:37,989 --> 00:58:41,668 We were both very much looking forward to this baby. 510 00:58:44,108 --> 00:58:48,469 There were a few days left until the due date. 511 00:58:48,708 --> 00:58:52,108 When I went to bed at night I remember the feeling - 512 00:58:52,228 --> 00:58:55,389 strange, she hasn't moved for a long time. 513 00:58:55,548 --> 00:58:58,989 But I thought it's okay, she's just sleeping. 514 00:58:59,269 --> 00:59:06,349 I thought let's go to the hospital and check just to calm our hearts. 515 00:59:06,749 --> 00:59:11,269 And then there is this moment when the woman... 516 00:59:12,909 --> 00:59:16,068 ...who is on your belly with the device says nothing. 517 00:59:16,148 --> 00:59:18,909 But you look at her and you know... 518 00:59:26,829 --> 00:59:30,468 When the baby is dead inside you, then childbirth must be induced. 519 00:59:30,548 --> 00:59:34,668 It's clear that this child won't come out on her own anymore. 520 00:59:36,869 --> 00:59:39,628 This induction process takes quite a long time - 521 00:59:39,749 --> 00:59:42,469 at least in my case it lasted quite a long time. 522 00:59:43,349 --> 00:59:45,548 All night and all day. 523 00:59:47,028 --> 00:59:50,068 I remember at some point when that pain came 524 00:59:50,188 --> 00:59:52,309 then I just screamed. 525 00:59:55,628 --> 00:59:58,949 When my first child was born, then I didn't make a sound. 526 00:59:59,068 --> 01:00:03,389 It seemed weird somehow or I just couldn't do it. 527 01:00:04,588 --> 01:00:08,148 Now it was like the only thing I could do. 528 01:00:10,869 --> 01:00:13,028 In the end, childbirth is like childbirth. 529 01:00:13,108 --> 01:00:16,469 Every woman who has given birth knows this feeling 530 01:00:16,588 --> 01:00:19,829 that at some point you're somewhere in the zone. 531 01:00:20,148 --> 01:00:23,389 And in that sense it doesn't really matter 532 01:00:23,469 --> 01:00:27,949 whether you're giving birth to a living or a lifeless child. 533 01:00:28,068 --> 01:00:32,749 This zone is still the same, when childbirth begins to approach 534 01:00:32,829 --> 01:00:35,508 or the child begins to come out. 535 01:00:36,389 --> 01:00:39,989 At one point the pain is simply over. 536 01:00:44,188 --> 01:00:48,548 Then I remember when that baby was put on my lap. 537 01:00:49,269 --> 01:00:54,708 This baby was very beautiful - she was still warm. 538 01:00:55,869 --> 01:00:57,869 And then slowly... 539 01:00:58,949 --> 01:01:01,668 She started to get colder... 540 01:01:02,228 --> 01:01:03,989 and colder. 541 01:01:06,228 --> 01:01:08,429 Doctors say that... 542 01:01:09,429 --> 01:01:13,309 ...if your baby has died in the womb, it's best to give birth to it yourself 543 01:01:13,429 --> 01:01:18,108 and not to have a C-section. Many women argue against it - 544 01:01:18,548 --> 01:01:22,309 that it's hard enough, why do you still have to give birth? 545 01:01:25,429 --> 01:01:27,708 I'm actually glad I gave birth, 546 01:01:27,829 --> 01:01:31,749 because the pain that you feel during the birth 547 01:01:31,829 --> 01:01:35,989 will finally begin to work for you. 548 01:01:36,508 --> 01:01:38,469 So when it's all over, 549 01:01:38,628 --> 01:01:44,469 some part of this pain is already burnt or dissolved. 550 01:02:03,469 --> 01:02:09,829 Salt, salt, protect me from evil both outside and inside... 551 01:02:11,708 --> 01:02:19,668 Salt, salt, protect me from evil both outside and inside... 552 01:02:54,228 --> 01:03:02,228 What has to go, should go... 553 01:03:57,548 --> 01:04:04,749 Out! Off-off, get out now! 554 01:04:06,909 --> 01:04:09,668 Clean the child! 555 01:04:09,909 --> 01:04:13,188 So be it... 556 01:04:14,749 --> 01:04:21,588 Water, take the pain away� 557 01:04:35,068 --> 01:04:42,389 Water, take the pain away� 558 01:06:54,228 --> 01:06:55,869 Now it's called a period, 559 01:06:55,949 --> 01:06:59,188 when I was a child it was called 'your illness'. 560 01:06:59,469 --> 01:07:02,068 I had my first period, and then I... 561 01:07:03,108 --> 01:07:08,909 My mother was so silly that she didn't explain about the illness.. 562 01:07:09,148 --> 01:07:12,789 I saw something start to flow out of me 563 01:07:13,028 --> 01:07:17,668 and I went behind the door and began to weep, 564 01:07:17,789 --> 01:07:22,108 that now I run out of blood and that's it. 565 01:07:22,228 --> 01:07:26,028 I guess I didn't even have any panties on then. 566 01:07:26,628 --> 01:07:28,909 I cried there and mother asked: 567 01:07:28,989 --> 01:07:32,309 "Why are you crying, baby, here at the door?" 568 01:07:32,909 --> 01:07:36,548 Mother saw what was wrong and said: "Oh!" 569 01:07:36,989 --> 01:07:41,148 "Dear child, it's nothing wrong, you're becoming a woman now!" 570 01:07:41,869 --> 01:07:44,269 "Now that your sickness has started!" 571 01:07:44,349 --> 01:07:46,668 Then you become a woman, 572 01:07:46,989 --> 01:07:49,269 until your illness you were a child. 573 01:08:21,669 --> 01:08:25,589 How were you told? Were you told... 574 01:08:25,669 --> 01:08:28,669 My grandmother always said to me to go wash my wee-wee. 575 01:08:28,869 --> 01:08:33,268 And it was so absolutely embarrassing. 576 01:08:33,428 --> 01:08:38,308 Sometimes she said it in front of my grandfather and it was so awful. 577 01:08:38,388 --> 01:08:41,749 I was a little girl, but somehow I was so embarrassed. 578 01:08:41,869 --> 01:08:45,949 Where does such embarrassment come from? 579 01:08:46,029 --> 01:08:47,909 Do you remember? - I do. 580 01:08:47,989 --> 01:08:50,348 Was it so? - I was also embarrassed about it. 581 01:08:50,468 --> 01:08:53,669 But what do you tell your daughters? - Fluffy. 582 01:08:53,829 --> 01:08:55,709 Fluffy? - Yes. 583 01:08:58,348 --> 01:09:02,468 I think it's pussy. I say pussy. 584 01:09:02,869 --> 01:09:04,428 I also say pussy. 585 01:09:05,028 --> 01:09:08,829 Pussy... I can't say wee-wee, because with this I have... 586 01:09:09,829 --> 01:09:12,179 Completely... - But this - wash your underparts? 587 01:09:12,789 --> 01:09:15,749 It was awful! I hate it! 588 01:09:15,829 --> 01:09:20,108 Exactly! That was so horrible! 589 01:09:20,428 --> 01:09:24,068 Yeah, wash your underparts. My underparts are all clean! 590 01:09:25,829 --> 01:09:29,028 And you have to report to your grandmother or mother. 591 01:09:29,228 --> 01:09:32,188 I remember, for example - I had a grandmother 592 01:09:32,268 --> 01:09:35,869 and her ideal was a pure woman - a woman must be pure. 593 01:09:35,949 --> 01:09:39,829 I remember, I was 4 or 5 years old, she took me outside 594 01:09:39,909 --> 01:09:43,869 and we started talking, that it is very important 595 01:09:44,348 --> 01:09:47,228 that a woman does not have loose pants. 596 01:09:47,348 --> 01:09:52,589 And then I thought, what if I'm wearing a dress? 597 01:09:55,388 --> 01:09:59,388 I didn't understand what that meant. 598 01:10:00,909 --> 01:10:03,669 Okay, why not? Loose - so your pants fall off? 599 01:10:03,749 --> 01:10:05,869 Yes, they fall off. 600 01:10:07,068 --> 01:10:11,188 Well and then you may... that you have to keep it. 601 01:10:11,308 --> 01:10:14,589 What do I have to keep? You have to keep your purity. 602 01:10:14,869 --> 01:10:17,549 What do you mean, purity? Like I'm washing myself? 603 01:10:17,709 --> 01:10:21,388 Then she said that virginity is a woman's most important asset, 604 01:10:21,468 --> 01:10:23,388 it must be kept very carefully. 605 01:10:23,909 --> 01:10:27,308 And I imagined, after all, every girl imagines it, 606 01:10:27,388 --> 01:10:30,108 what is it like - the first time? 607 01:10:30,188 --> 01:10:33,388 That there's a boy, who loves me very much. 608 01:10:33,589 --> 01:10:38,028 And then it happened, that instead some disgusting old man raped me. 609 01:10:38,989 --> 01:10:41,468 How did you get to this old man? 610 01:10:45,388 --> 01:10:49,388 When I was 16 or 17, 611 01:10:50,428 --> 01:10:53,428 anyway, I was hitchhiking, 612 01:10:53,909 --> 01:10:56,629 and then... 613 01:10:59,348 --> 01:11:05,468 Then I was picked up by an old man and he seemed very friendly. 614 01:11:05,589 --> 01:11:10,388 He was joking and the radio was playing. 615 01:11:10,509 --> 01:11:13,188 There was a song about roses by Mati Nuude. 616 01:11:13,308 --> 01:11:16,348 I even started singing along. 617 01:11:16,709 --> 01:11:18,749 So yeah, very nice. 618 01:11:18,949 --> 01:11:22,148 And then he said: "Oh, I need to get some gas." 619 01:11:22,228 --> 01:11:25,709 "I'll take you further, but I need to get gas." 620 01:11:26,228 --> 01:11:29,749 And then he turned towards some village. 621 01:11:29,829 --> 01:11:31,669 And I thought - okay. 622 01:11:32,629 --> 01:11:37,188 Then he drove and at one point, when he turned away, 623 01:11:37,308 --> 01:11:43,108 I suddenly had this feeling in my stomach, that oh crap. 624 01:11:44,749 --> 01:11:48,509 And then he turned to a forest road. 625 01:11:48,749 --> 01:11:52,509 Then I realized I was in deep shit. This is not a gas station. 626 01:11:52,629 --> 01:11:56,829 Thoughts started to rush like crazy, what am I going to do now... 627 01:11:58,028 --> 01:12:03,709 Then he stopped at some house and went out. 628 01:12:05,028 --> 01:12:08,988 I wanted to go out the door and I realized, 629 01:12:09,068 --> 01:12:12,268 that there in the back where I sat, these doors do not open. 630 01:12:12,388 --> 01:12:15,028 That they are made so that I can't get out. 631 01:12:16,068 --> 01:12:20,148 And then I hear the barking of dogs. 632 01:12:20,629 --> 01:12:24,709 There were 3 or 4 large dogs around the car, 633 01:12:24,789 --> 01:12:26,829 and I was terribly afraid of dogs. 634 01:12:27,028 --> 01:12:31,108 The dogs were growling around the car and I thought oh shit! 635 01:12:31,188 --> 01:12:35,468 I can't drive, my mind was working like crazy. 636 01:12:35,869 --> 01:12:38,709 Dogs are all around, what can I do? 637 01:12:38,829 --> 01:12:41,148 This is not real, it's not happening to me. 638 01:12:41,228 --> 01:12:44,068 This happens in the movies, it doesn't happen to me. 639 01:12:44,709 --> 01:12:49,148 The man went to that house and then he comes out and I'm thinking, 640 01:12:49,268 --> 01:12:53,388 maybe he's coming back behind the wheel and we just drive on. 641 01:12:53,468 --> 01:12:58,388 But no, this guy is already approaching my door, 642 01:12:58,468 --> 01:13:02,468 and he opens that door and he has a knife in his hand. 643 01:13:03,228 --> 01:13:11,108 I started telling him that my father is a tough cop 644 01:13:11,228 --> 01:13:18,549 and that I should call him, because he worries. 645 01:13:18,709 --> 01:13:23,709 And the man says: "No he's not, hush little birdie!" 646 01:13:24,709 --> 01:13:27,388 And then I like... 647 01:13:28,348 --> 01:13:31,148 I try to push him away. 648 01:13:31,308 --> 01:13:33,909 This guy now gets my precious asset! 649 01:13:35,108 --> 01:13:36,549 And then... 650 01:13:37,268 --> 01:13:40,028 Then I thought, it really doesn't matter, 651 01:13:40,108 --> 01:13:43,629 I want to survive, I want to live. 652 01:13:44,029 --> 01:13:46,308 I have something to say and give to the world, 653 01:13:46,428 --> 01:13:50,228 I don't care about this precious asset. 654 01:13:53,829 --> 01:13:58,428 Then I looked out the car window, I looked at those trees and the forest. 655 01:14:00,108 --> 01:14:03,909 And then I just spoke to God, 656 01:14:04,509 --> 01:14:07,869 that please, I want to survive. 657 01:14:07,949 --> 01:14:12,348 That sorry God, I don't care about this precious asset of a woman. 658 01:14:12,468 --> 01:14:15,468 Because I just want to survive. 659 01:14:18,068 --> 01:14:23,348 Then I just prayed and at one point I was no longer fighting back. 660 01:14:23,468 --> 01:14:26,509 I thought I don't care, he has a knife and I don't want to... 661 01:14:26,589 --> 01:14:29,509 Then I thought that if he stabs me with that knife, 662 01:14:29,629 --> 01:14:32,589 what can he do? He can cripple me. 663 01:14:32,669 --> 01:14:35,028 He can make me ugly. 664 01:14:35,108 --> 01:14:37,789 And then no one wants me anymore, 665 01:14:37,909 --> 01:14:41,228 when my face is made ugly! I don't care! 666 01:14:46,388 --> 01:14:50,709 And then, at one point, he started to feel sorry for me. 667 01:14:51,148 --> 01:14:57,028 And then he said: "There-there, don't be like this now, it's nothing." 668 01:14:57,148 --> 01:15:02,308 "If you want, let's go to the cottage, there is a beautiful, comfortable bed." 669 01:15:02,428 --> 01:15:06,869 "I'll show you how it's really done, this car is not the best place." 670 01:15:07,228 --> 01:15:11,148 And then he got some gasoline, I don't know from where he got it. 671 01:15:11,468 --> 01:15:14,549 Then drove me by the road somewhere. 672 01:15:15,148 --> 01:15:19,629 He opened the door, so I got out and then he still wanted to kiss me. 673 01:15:22,188 --> 01:15:24,629 He said: "Maybe we'll meet again?" 674 01:15:26,468 --> 01:15:28,789 Such a bastard! 675 01:15:32,549 --> 01:15:34,829 And then I... 676 01:15:37,909 --> 01:15:40,829 I ran away from him. 677 01:15:41,468 --> 01:15:43,709 No, I didn't run right away. 678 01:15:43,869 --> 01:15:49,148 I was there at the roadside saying: "No, I'm going to hitchhike home now." 679 01:15:49,268 --> 01:15:54,268 Then he drove away and I was just trembling in the ditch. 680 01:15:54,709 --> 01:15:56,789 That story actually goes on. 681 01:15:56,949 --> 01:16:02,989 I'm trembling in the ditch there, and then another car comes, 682 01:16:03,069 --> 01:16:05,629 two men in it, they noticed me in the ditch. 683 01:16:05,749 --> 01:16:10,308 They asked, if I need any help? 684 01:16:11,468 --> 01:16:14,108 And I'm trembling there, 685 01:16:14,188 --> 01:16:17,388 that yes, I do need help, I need to get home. 686 01:16:17,629 --> 01:16:19,909 They picked me up and asked: 687 01:16:20,028 --> 01:16:23,188 "Why are you trembling, pretty birdie?" 688 01:16:23,348 --> 01:16:25,629 I thought I was ugly, 689 01:16:25,749 --> 01:16:29,869 but in fact I got a lot of compliments at the time, I was skinny. 690 01:16:30,749 --> 01:16:33,108 But I really hated myself. 691 01:16:33,188 --> 01:16:35,428 Anyway - "Why are you trembling, little birdie?" 692 01:16:35,509 --> 01:16:39,869 And then I said that a man raped me. 693 01:16:41,108 --> 01:16:45,428 They said: "Oh fuck, that is bad." 694 01:16:45,989 --> 01:16:48,428 "You need cognac!" 695 01:16:48,509 --> 01:16:52,869 They took me to a house somewhere 696 01:16:52,989 --> 01:16:56,669 and gave me some whiskey or cognac, made me drink it. 697 01:16:56,869 --> 01:17:00,428 Then one of them sat in the back seat next to me 698 01:17:00,549 --> 01:17:03,188 and began to put his hands around me. 699 01:17:04,188 --> 01:17:06,749 And he started to touch me. 700 01:17:07,148 --> 01:17:09,268 And then he was kissing me. 701 01:17:09,549 --> 01:17:11,268 And he said: 702 01:17:11,428 --> 01:17:16,268 "Hey, everything's okay now! It's done!" 703 01:17:16,549 --> 01:17:21,228 "Now that your virginity is gone, you can start living life!" 704 01:17:25,108 --> 01:17:28,669 And then I... 705 01:17:29,388 --> 01:17:33,068 I was so confused, I found myself kissing him back. 706 01:17:33,148 --> 01:17:35,948 And later I thought, what was that? I kissed him back, 707 01:17:36,028 --> 01:17:40,428 and I let him touch me, that now everything is gone. 708 01:17:40,509 --> 01:17:42,949 I can't say... I don't even know what happened. 709 01:17:43,029 --> 01:17:45,549 But I let him do everything. 710 01:17:47,148 --> 01:17:51,749 Anyway, when they finally took me home, 711 01:17:52,188 --> 01:17:56,509 then my mom... 712 01:17:57,909 --> 01:18:00,148 At first I didn't say anything. 713 01:18:00,268 --> 01:18:05,589 But after a while I told my mother that such a thing happened. 714 01:18:05,709 --> 01:18:11,428 I told her I was raped and she did not believe it. 715 01:18:11,749 --> 01:18:13,428 "You were raped?" 716 01:18:13,549 --> 01:18:17,348 "Listen, come up with something better, to get attention." 717 01:18:17,669 --> 01:18:20,509 I don't know if she didn't believe that I... 718 01:18:20,669 --> 01:18:24,509 Did she really think I was so ugly that I'm not even suitable for rape? 719 01:18:24,629 --> 01:18:26,949 That's what I thought. 720 01:18:28,549 --> 01:18:34,388 A few years later, I saw on TV how two girls had been abducted 721 01:18:34,509 --> 01:18:38,028 and they were tortured and raped for several days. 722 01:18:39,549 --> 01:18:44,428 Luckily they were able to escape, they would probably have been killed. 723 01:18:44,549 --> 01:18:49,308 I saw it in the police news and then I saw my rapist there. 724 01:18:51,549 --> 01:18:54,268 And then I realized 725 01:18:55,028 --> 01:18:59,228 that I was very close to being killed. 726 01:19:00,509 --> 01:19:03,068 I don't know if that prayer helped... 727 01:19:24,789 --> 01:19:28,228 I want to protect my daughter from all this! 728 01:19:28,388 --> 01:19:32,348 But how to do it? How can I do that? 729 01:22:28,989 --> 01:23:00,909 # We sweat out all this pain! We sweat out all that fear! # 730 01:23:41,909 --> 01:23:49,869 # Sweat it out, out, out! # 731 01:23:53,629 --> 01:24:01,228 # Pain out! Pain out! Pain out! # 732 01:24:03,709 --> 01:24:07,549 # Out! Out! Out! # 733 01:24:09,749 --> 01:24:12,869 # Out! # 734 01:25:26,869 --> 01:25:32,228 TO ALL MY SISTERS 735 01:25:49,388 --> 01:25:56,028 # We thank you, we thank you! # 736 01:25:59,388 --> 01:26:01,948 # We thank the effort # 737 01:26:02,028 --> 01:26:04,749 # of the sauna keeper! # 738 01:26:09,188 --> 01:26:15,589 # We thank you, we thank you! # 739 01:26:18,749 --> 01:26:21,509 # We thank the water bearer # 740 01:26:21,629 --> 01:26:24,468 # and the whisk maker! # 741 01:26:28,428 --> 01:26:35,068 # We thank you, we thank you! # 742 01:26:38,388 --> 01:26:45,749 # Dear Mother Earth and Father Sky! # 743 01:26:48,949 --> 01:26:55,669 # We thank you, we thank you! # 744 01:26:58,989 --> 01:27:01,589 # For you have nourished # 745 01:27:01,709 --> 01:27:03,949 # the birch tree... # 746 01:27:08,629 --> 01:27:15,749 # ...and blessed the waters! # 747 01:27:16,549 --> 01:27:23,308 # We thank you, we thank you! # 748 01:27:26,629 --> 01:27:30,709 # Thank you dear fire, # 749 01:27:30,789 --> 01:27:34,428 # thank you dear stones! # 750 01:27:35,388 --> 01:27:42,228 # We thank you, we thank you! # 751 01:27:45,589 --> 01:27:52,509 # All our pain to the cold water! # 752 01:27:53,148 --> 01:28:00,589 # All our fears to the cold water! # 753 01:28:01,188 --> 01:28:07,789 # We thank you, we thank you! # 754 01:28:10,909 --> 01:28:17,669 # Dear Smoke Sauna, you sacred place! # 61461

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