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Roseanne Barr: Ladies and
gentlemen, I'm so happy to be

Official YIFY movies site:
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at the Comedy Store
where I started my career,

and I just wanna say that
there was a time in my life

where I went, "Man, if I could
just work really really hard,

someday I will be
in the main room

and Mitzi Shore will see me."

And it's still like that,
Mitzi, and I love you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.
Thank you.

Hi hi hi hi.

Hi hi hi hi hi hi.

Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi.

Hi.
Thank you so much.

Whoo, you guys, hi.

Thank you.

Aren't you nice?
Hi.

Thank you so much.

Thank you!

What a privilege it is for you

to have me here tonight,
ladies and gentlemen.

And I mean that

from the bottom of my heart.

You don't think my fat ass
makes my ass look fat, do you?

Hi. I know what you're saying.

"Roseanne, what has
a has-been of your magnitude

been up to recently?"

I was just about to tell you.

I recently performed
on a gay cruise,

Ladies and gentlemen.

Whoo-hoo!

A lot of the homosexual
demographic

is here tonight, I'm guessing.

I love it. Thank you.
It's wonderful.

A gay cruise,
the captain really does

go down with that ship.

I'm proud to say, though,
I did really really well

and I've been invited back
for Cocktoberfest.

Really, I look forward to that.

Love the gays.
Love the gay men especially,

because if it was not for them

us fat women would have
no one to dance with.

So thank you so much.

Everyone is gay now
in the whole world.

Everyone is gay.

And every single news story
is about the gays too.

For instance, the Episcopalians

just ordained the first ever
"out" gay bishop.

Give yourselves a round of--

which really outraged

the more traditional
closeted gay bishops.

The Catholic Church is having
sexual problems of its own,

in case you missed that
story, but how could you?

You can't really blame
those priests, though,

'cause a lot of them
started out as altar boys

and they just got
sucked into it.

You know, so...

sorry.

Remember the good old days

when people had the decency

not to mention the fact
that their children

were being molested by priests?

The good old days.

Days of morals

and decency.

Isn't everything crazy?

Like, I can't believe
what a huge flap

the whole gay marriage thing
made in the election

and how it still makes like
a huge stink everyplace.

I mean, we've lost our
minds and our common sense.

If you think that
gay sex is gross,

then you should be
for their right to marry.

'Cause that'll put an end
to all that sex

just like it does
for the straight people.

We've lost our minds.

I don't even know why gay
people are pushing for marriage.

Haven't they suffered enough?

They're talking about
taking the gay teachers

out of the public schools now.

I think before they do
that, they should get rid

of the heterosexual teachers
out of the public schools.

Like, especially the women
heterosexual teachers,

like Mary Kay Letourneau
and all them.

They're knocking up
all our sons.

How come nobody is concerned
about that kind of a thing, you know?

Do we really want
heterosexual males

shoving their heterosexual
male agenda

down our teenage
daughters' throats?

Do we?
Teenage daughters,

throats, shoving.

For God's sake, I'm talking about
morals, ladies and gentlemen.

Gay men are the only ones
we should trust

to teach our daughters.
That's a win-win situation.

And I think that if lesbians
taught our sons,

they would learn
valuable life lessons early.

Like how to take orders

from big bossy women who
find them completely repulsive

and somewhat irrelevant.

Values, morals,

decency, for God's sake, people.

It's all around.
Everything's all screwed up.

Bird flu, global warming,

you know, the threat of
nuclear and biological terrorism,

community property.

But...

some of the evils in the world.

But I don't care about any of
that stuff 'cause all I really

care about is that Oprah
Winfrey's getting fat again.

I just love it.

Whoo-hooooo!
Whoo-hoo!

I'm so happy.

I'm so happy her ass is huge,

and I'm so happy.

Every time I see her
getting fat,

my self-esteem just like
goes through the fucking roof.

I just love it!

I love that she's fat
fat fat fat fat.

I hate the entire diet industry.

It's a bazillion-dollar-
a-year scam

that uses fat people as lab rats

and guinea pigs,

in cahoots with big
drug companies

that know that fat people
will take anything

if you tell 'em it's
gonna make 'em lose weight.

Right?

You know what I'm talking
about, woman back there.

You know what I'm talking about.

There is nothing you
cannot get a fat person

to do to lose weight.

Except for stop eating
like a fucking hog

and do some exercise.

That would be extreme.

Could never work.
And I should know,

because I've been on every
single diet known to humanity--

Weight Watchers,
the grapefruit diet,

the rice diet,
the Scarsdale diet,

the Beverly Hills diet,
crystal meth.

That whore Jenny Craig.

Star fucking whore Jenny Craig...

Always looking for a fat
celebrity to team up with.

I had my stomach removed
and made the size of a walnut.

And yet despite
the fact that I have

no digestive system whatsoever

I'm still able
to maintain my weight

at 180 lbs.

I'm like a miracle
of modern science

with this shit,
ladies and gentlemen.

How does she do it?

How does she do?

But I don't care anymore, what
with global warming and all.

Fuck it.
I don't give a fuck.

I'm tired of being a victim
of the diet industry.

I'm tired of the names they
call you when you're fat--

hog, heifer, sow.

No wonder we have to go
to fat farms to lose weight.

Equating people with animals is,

like, the fastest way
of degrading them.

Animals, I mean.

I don't give a shit
about people.

But I love animals.

I love animals.

Because they are so tasty.

Mmm!

Yum!

I support a woman's right
to chew!

Eat up. That's
my advice. Eat up.

Eat up as much
as you can right now

'cause if it is
the end of the world

and the food supply dwindles,

like all those skinny
people that have no body fat

and do all the yoga and shit,
they'll all be dead within two weeks,

which is another
great fucking thing,

a great silver lining
in the cloud there.

And I, thanks to my
large body mass,

will be stepping over
their skeletal remains.

And the silicone tit bags,

the collagen lips,

the pitiful little
puddles of Botox,

as I make my way to Canada

to find more food.

Except for Canada is scary too.

It's scary up there. It's not
hardly any better, you know?

They got mad cow disease
like crazy up there.

Like it's not crazy enough,
now you got mad cow,

bird flu, I don't know.

It's scary.
Mad cow is scary.

I was reading in "Time" magazine

where it said that, you know,
that beef farming stuff

is destroying a thousand acres

of rain-forest every single day.

Yeah, just like you,
at first I didn't really care.

'Cause I thought, "Well..."

I didn't give a shit,
'cause I thought,

"Well, you know,

monkeys and parrots
and slugs? Fuck it.

They ain't even good eating."

But then I read
further on in that article,

and I was so shocked.
You know what's also

in that rain-forest,
ladies and gentlemen?

What?

The cacao tree.

Oh no!

The cacao tree

where chocolate comes from.

Now these greedy
corporate motherfuckers

are threatening
my chocolate supply!

This is my radicalizing moment.

I will not remain silent
one second longer.

I now call for jihad!

I don't wanna live
in a world with no chocolate!

Stop the madness!

Stop the madness.

The whole century blows.

Doesn't it blow?

Every goddamn second
of it just fucking blows.

Bush blows.

Thank you.
Thank you for agreeing.

I love it that people agree.

It's so good that
people agree now,

'cause they didn't always
agree, but, yeah, he fucking blows.

I hate Bush.

I hate the president.

I hate the president!

I hate the president.

I hate the president!

Is it still legal
to say that though?

Is it still legal to say that?

They send you right
to Guantanamo Bay.

I'm scared of that,
except for I hear

they do have that
force feeding there, so...

Not all...
not all negative.

Yeah, I don't really hate Bush,

but, you know, I'm kind of
disappointed in him and everything.

I kind of liked him
in the beginning.

I felt like a lot of Americans.

I felt he was way more
educationably orientated...

than that Kerry guy.

And so what
if our kids can't read?

Our military rocks.

We're fucking number one.

We're number one!

We're fucking number one!

Fucking number one!

The world is our bitch, and
we'll bust a cap in her ass

if she don't do what we say.

Western world!

Bust a motherfucking cap
in her a--

He is bankrupting
our country too, Bush.

He's totally bankrupting--
but it's not really his fault,

'cause he has deficit
attention disorder.

So he's...

kind of a hobbled president.

He's not as scary as Arnold
Schwarzenegger, as far as I'm concerned.

That guy's really scary,
isn't he?

I mean, he's governor of
California, for Christ's sake.

What happened?
We lost our minds?

Confusing, like, an action hero

With like the head--

It's just crazy.

Schwarzenegger,
he's pretty concerned

With all those Mexicans
trying to sneak

Into what used to be
their country.

He's...

He's against that.

I don't know why they
didn't get the Mexicans

that are in our country to go
clean up after Katrina though.

Why did they not think of that?

That would have, like, taken
four days and cost $1100.

And they'd still have
money to send home.

But it's all scary.
Everything's scary to me too,

'cause, like, you know,

I'm going through
some kind of culture shock,

'cause for 10 whole years,
you know,

You guys, I sat in this
great big cement-like box,

You know,
making the "Roseanne" show.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thanks.
I'm glad you liked it.

But it didn't have any windows,
you know? It didn't have any windows.

Like I was just in this,
like, box for 10 years.

And then I came out and, like,
the world was so different.

I couldn't believe it. It was a
completely different world.

It seemed like it
was all stupid and trashy

and fucking dumbed-down
and everything.

It just sucked
and everything like that.

This fucking blows.

What was I talking about?

Oh, yeah, a trashy

fucking dumbed-down
country and world.

I love those "Girls Gone Wild" ads too.
They scare me.

Every time I see those ads,

I thank God that none of my
daughters ever went to college.

So scary.

I always think,

"Is that what we
were fighting for?

Is that what us women
in the '60s,

that's what we were
fighting for,

so our daughters
could go acting like that?"

I mean, where are
their mothers to tell 'em

that it is wrong to, like,
just lift up your shirt

and do all that kind
of shit for free?

It's wrong.

Giving it away

like it's government cheese,

for Christ's sake.

The one bright spot
of this century for me

seemed to be that my mental
disorders were completely cured.

But as luck would have it,

I found out it was my mental
disorders that made me

at all interesting
in the first place.

So I'm finally sane,
but now I'm old

and losing control

of my bodily functions.

Tonight's performance
brought to you

by Depends,
ladies and gentlemen,

I can see there's people who
know what I'm talking about.

Baby boomers, baby boomers here.

Hey, lady,

you're a baby boomer?

Did you ever think
you'd get this old?

It sucks, huh?
It's stupid,

isn't it?
It's just stupid.

Baby boomers--
the code word for old.

I think we need a new name.
I was thinking

what about casket patch kids?

It's got that youthful...

that youthful flair
to it and everything.

We could really use
some of those bras

we burned back then
right now, couldn't we?

Christ, getting old and shit.

We weren't like bred to get old,

I don't think, our generation.

- You're still hot.
- That's what everybody says here.

Shut up!

Shut up!
I'm tired of hearing it.

Every time I say that,
like I say, "I feel old,"

'cause I'm 53 years old
now, you know?

I mean, you know?

People are like here,
they're so scared

if you say, "Man, I'm old,"

they're like, "No, you're
not old. You're not old.

50's not old.
50's like the new 30.

It's not old.
You don't look old.

53, it's not that fucking old.

It's middle-aged."

No, it isn't.
Nobody lives to 106,

for Christ's sake.

Fucking old. Old!

Deal with it.

I look at my first ex-husband,

who's like one year
older than me,

and he's never had no
plastic surgery or nothing.

That fucker is old.

He's old.

It's just weird. I never
thought I would get old either.

I mean, you can
make yourself look better

on the outside for sure,

you know, what with the
plastic surgery and shit.

You can look better on the outside,
but you can't do one damn thing

about the aging on the inside.

Now I'm lactose intolerant

all of a sudden.
Just in the last year,

I can't eat any dairy. I get
that high hard stomach,

you know, full of gas,

and then that horrible
post fartemdepression.

I'm wet where I'm
supposed to be dry

and dry where I'm supposed
to be wet, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm a multi-tasker though.

I pee when I sneeze.

Yeah, man.

All you young people
have that to look forward to.

Just when I thought
I could disguise my age

with the plastic surgery
and the antacids,

some dead giveaway
blows my cover

by calling me "Grandma."

It is cool, though.
I'm a grandma.

They're very cute and I love it.

I love being able
to use those little children

to get even with my daughter.

It's just so awesome.

"Let's write on the wall.

Let's do it
with this magic marker.

It'll be really fun. Let's
see what that's like."

"Say 'shit.'"

"Say 'shit.'"

Then I say to my daughter, "Where
does he hear this kind of language?

What kind of an operation are you
running around here, for Christ's sake?"

It's wonderful.

I'm gonna continue being
the kind of grandma

to take him out and do stuff
to piss off their parents too.

It's just a wonderful
pleasure in life.

I'm gonna do stuff
like take 'em out

and get their tongues
pierced and stuff.

I wish my kids, my older ones, would
have gotten their tongues pierced

back when they were teens,

because then I would have just
put a big magnet on their head

and they would have had
to keep their mouth shut.

I remember when my older
kids fit found mommy's stash.

In fact, my daughter's here somewhere
tonight that found that stash of...

I said, "Mommy is involved

in experimentation's

with a natural substance

that comes off a plant,

called T.H.C."

My daughter said, "Yeah,
you're giving us all this

just-say-no shit
and then you pull this?

God, mother, you're such
a fucking hypocrite."

So I said, "Did you just come
in here and use the 'F' word?

In front of your own
fucking mother?

Don't you dare talk
to me like that, young lady.

Mommy is the only person
in this family allowed

to be on drugs.

Mommy is old and successful
and has earned the right

to be drunk or on drugs
or a raving fucking maniac

if she so chooses.

Do as I say, not as I do."

These kids today have no
appreciation whatsoever

for the amount of drugs
their parents have had

to take in order to buy
them the things they wanted.

The ungrateful little bastards.

I told my kids, "You know
what? I'm sick and tired

of you guys blaming all of
your problems on the fact

that I was never home.

Do you have any idea how
fucked up your lives would be

had I taken an interest in them?

Didn't Rosario
raise you better than that?"

I grew up
in Salt Lake City, Utah.

And I'm a Jew,
so I think that explains--

that kind of explains
my outsider

alienated

not fitting in.

I don't know. I was weird.
I never fit in or anything.

I never dated.
I didn't have time.

I was too busy masturbating.

Well, I was my own
best friend. I had to be.

My family was very poor,
you know,

but we didn't know we were poor

'cause we were stupid too.

But it was hard for my dad,

being a Jewish guy in Salt
Lake City, trying to fit in.

I remember my dad having
a great big turquoise

Star of David

in a silver belt buckle,

trying to fit in.
I'd make fun of him.

"Where you going, Dad?
I reckon you're headed out

for the old bar mitzvah corral

to rustle up some corned beef.

Whoopie-ay-oh-

chay-ay."

When I was a little girl,

I just like couldn't wait.

I was like, you know,
planning for the day

when I could leave home
and eat pork

and take birth control pills
and everything.

My goal was to become
a huge pork-eating slut,

Ladies and gentlemen.

And I am proud to say
I made it happen.

So proud of that.

Thank you.

Proud. Proud.
Couldn't be prouder.

My other goal was

I wanted to be a widow
really bad when I grew up too.

I didn't really
know what it meant,

but both of my grandmothers
were widows and...

they were the only
happy women I ever saw.

'Cause they had their own money.

They did whatever they wanted.

But, alas,

alas...

I fell far short of my goal

of becoming a widow.

And I ended up...

just a divorcee.

A three-time...

divorcee.

I have been getting kind
of lonely and everything.

- Awww--
- Yeah, I know. It's crazy.

I know. I try talking
myself out of it.

But then, like, I go,

"Well, I am kinda
lonely and everything."

So I was like, okay, I thought,

"Okay, maybe I'll take out
one of those personal ads."

So okay, tell me what you think.

"Shy but assertive...

D.J.F."--

That's divorced Jewish female,

for those of you unfamiliar

with the personal-ad lingo--

"Looking for that perfect gent

with just the right
combination of cash,

low self-esteem

and an oral fixation."

"Must enjoy long
romantic strolls

to the kitchen

and appreciate
the wonder and excitement

of sharing the good life
with a zesty gal

who could snap at any second!"

Like it?
You like it?

Speaking of snapping...

Anybody going through menopause

besides that woman there?

Just the women, just the women.

For those of you who don't know,

let me bring you right
into my world there.

Can you imagine
a snarling caged beast

trapped inside your body,

trying to chew its way out
through your nervous system?

That's me on a good day.

Man, I miss that P.M.S. though.

That was the one time of the month
where I was allowed to be my true self.

I miss it.

In a lot of ways I was prepared

for the change of life,
in a lot of ways, you know.

I knew I was gonna get
emotional and paranoid

and grow a beard and I was
totally prepared for that.

But little did I know,
because nobody tells ya,

that you actually
lose your sex drive.

You lose your sex drive, man.

At first I didn't know
if it was 'cause I was married

or if it was the menopause,

but no.

It's actually a symptom
of the menopause.

When you're going
through that, the doctors,

they want you to start
taking all these hormones. Huh?

They want you to go on hormones.

Male hormones, like
the fuckin' craziest shit

you've ever heard in your life.

They want you to go on male
hormones. They talk you into that.

They tell you, "Oh,
it'll restore your memory."

And, you know, "Testosterone,

restore your memory,
the elasticity of your skin,"

you know,

"decrease your morbid thoughts

and your fears
of worldwide conspiracies."

But I was too afraid
to take testosterone

'cause I don't know
what it'll do to me.

I mean, I knew right away

that my I.Q.
would decrease by half.

I knew that. And...

Civil war.

No, I knew that
my I.Q. would go down,

and that I would lose
all verbal skills

and that I would start
peeing on toilet seats

for no reason whatsoever

and need to be around
balls all the time:

throwing 'em,
catching 'em, swatting 'em,

putting 'em, scratching 'em,
throwing 'em, batting 'em.

Balls, balls, balls,
balls, balls, all the time.

Balls, balls, balls, balls, balls.

And I was afraid.

Do I sound bitter, really?

Tell me the truth, do I?

I am a little bitter if you
wanna know the goddamn truth!

I'm a little bitter!

About men and sex and such.

Sex was never good
for me for anything

other than having children

and keeping the gardeners happy.

One thing I have learned,
though, to say

in men's defense--
I like men a lot better

than I like women,
let me just say that.

I like-- I prefer men over women

because women
are fuckin' bitches.

Yes, they are!

Mean, fucking cunning,
asshole bitches.

I hate women.
Women suck.

They do, they suck. They're
so much meaner than men.

It's all hidden too,
with that...

"We care about the children.
The children!"

You don't fucking give
a shit about the children.

Fuckin' bitch.

You don't give a fuck
about "the children."

I don't even know
why they don't have women

fighting the wars.
That is a much better idea,

because it would be over
so much sooner,

I tell you.
So much quicker.

Especially if we were
fighting against women

who were thinner than us.

Be fuckin' all over.

But the men are nicer, I think.

And they do some things
better than women,

like, okay, reading the maps.
Way better on reading the maps

and the linear thinking there,
the map reading.

'Cause only the male mind

could conceive of one inch
equaling 100 miles.

You gotta give that to
'em. Gotta give it to 'em.

Anyway, everyone
is on all the drugs

and the hormones
and all that fuckin' shit.

We forgot that drugs are bad
in this country, I think.

We sort of forgot.

Like, you know,
they sell 'em on TV

like it's candy.

But they're bad, drugs are bad.

Like Viagra,
that is a bad bad drug,

Ladies and gentlemen.

You know what I'm talking
about. It's a bad bad drug.

Some things are just
supposed to end,

ladies and gentlemen.

They're just supposed to end!

And it's mainly these old men

that are taking the Viagra.

And let's be real honest,

nobody really wants
to fuck an old man!

Unless you're
Catherine Zeta Jones.

She's into it.

She's really into it.

How many old men here
are taking the Viagra?

The rest of you can't get
your arms up either, huh?

Well, just as well.

It's just as well.

There they are,
all these old men

running around
with their old-man boners

on their sixth set of kids,

their sixth sets of kids there.

And they got the kids
all doped up on Ritalin

to slow 'em down
'cause the old man's

too goddamn old
to chase after their ass.

Hey, here's
the bottom line, people.

We should not be having
our own grandchildren.

And I should know

because I have
a 10-year-old son.

And...

a five-year-old grandson,

which makes me
the official queen

of all trailer trash.

Thank you.
Yes, I decided at age 43...

to have a baby.

I thought, "Oh, you know..."

bought into all that
Hollywood youth bullshit.

Stupid enough to give myself
another reason to live.

Christ.

It's hard too.

It's hard to be like an
old bag, 53-year-old bag

with this
10-year-old kid that's--

it's hard.
I have no energy.

I feel sorry for my son.
I just kind of feel--

what was I thinking, man?

I have to invent games
to play with my kid,

you know, games where
I don't have to move

my huge lazy fat ass
one extra inch

or burn one more calorie
more than necessary.

Games where, like,
he jumps off stuff

and like in the Olympics
I hold up a sign--

"8.5."

We were watching "The Roseanne
Show," you know, together...

Oh, thanks.

Okay.

No, I do appreciate it.
No, I do appreciate it.

But he goes,
"Hey, mom, did you know

you were that fat?"

He's a delight.

I'm glad I get another chance

to try to raise a kid

better than my other ones,
you know.

I get a second chance there.

Like, just last week Buck
and I were at the Rite-Aid,

sharing a 120-ounce
tub of Coke...

while waiting for his
Ritalin prescription

to be filled.

No, I don't have him on Ritalin.

He needs it though, I think.

He's extremely hyperactive.

He probably needs the Ritalin,
but I don't like drugging kids.

I prefer the more
natural approach,

'cause I find just lying on top
of him helps to slow him down

quite a bit.

No, I think it's scary--
the government

approving drugs on one hand

to regulate children's moods,

and then saying they're fighting a
war against drugs on the other hand.

Talk about working
both sides of the street.

The war on drugs is a war against
poor people on street drugs

waged by rich people
on prescription drugs.

Isn't it?

It's bullshit.
Isn't it bullshit?

I like how they
sell drugs on TV though,

the real dangerous
kinds of drugs,

just like it's candy.

They have that disclaimer
which I love.

I always watch it for the
disclaimer. They're always real happy.

"Do not take normacil

if you are a nursing mother

or wish to remain
female in any way.

Side effects include
voting for George Bush

and uncontrollable
tar-like stool."

And you know you're in
trouble, ladies and gentlemen,

when you can no longer
control your tar-like stool.

How many people here
are on antidepressants?

That's scary too--
Prozac, Zoloft,

Wellbutrin, Celexa.

Did you ever think that maybe

you're supposed to be depressed?

- Yeah.
- Maybe the world's so fucked up

that you should be
fucking depressed...

...Instead of drugging it away?

You know, we're in
an unstoppable war,

there's no levees, the
environment's in the shitter,

half the people on earth
are starving,

the other half are
trying to lose weight.

- Yeah!
- Maybe you're fucking supposed to be depressed.

They want us to think we
have a chemical imbalance.

We can't cure society's ills

but we can sure sell
happy pills.

We'll chemically
elevate your mood

and genetically
engineer your food.

We're World Control Co.

...a division of Halliburton

and Religion, Incorporated.

I hate religion too.

Do you hate religion
along with me?

Religion fucking blows.
I fucking hate religion.

That's the reason everything
in the whole fucking world

is fucked up-- because of
fucked-up fucking religion.

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

Is it still legal to say that?

Is that still legal?

Don't you think at this point

in the world's history
the world's great religions

should be bringing us
closer together

instead of dividing us,
ladies and gentlemen?

Because at their core

don't they all say
the exact same thing?

"Believe what we tell you
or burn in hell forever."

Something we can
unite behind there.

It's fucking ridiculous.

I get really scared when I
look around and it seems like

all the world's leaders
are a bunch

of religious fanatics

that want to see
everything go up in flames.

They want it
to blow the hell up,

like, to fulfill
some holy-war scenario

that they actually believe

they were placed here
by God to make happen.

You know what I mean?
They're making it happen.

"Oh yeah, well,
that's in the Bible.

That's in the Bible. We found
it in a jar in a fucking cave."

That's where
they get their news.

In a fucking cave jar
fucking bullshit.

Do you ever think
you're making it happen?

I wish people would leave God
out of their bullshit, really.

Seriously. Just leave God
alone. Leave him out of it.

Leave him out of politics.
Leave him out of your bullshit.

Fuck it. God hates
politicians anyway.

- Whoo!
- He does.

Hates all politicians.

I know because I was just
speaking to her last night.

And she said...

"Go ye forward, Roseanne,

and proclaim unto the multitudes

that I fucking hate
all fucking politicians.

I always fucking have,
I always fucking will.

- They all fucking blow."
- Yeah!

"And not one of them
knows jack shit about me."

And at first I was totally shocked
at the mouth she has on her.

I was shocked.

But then I thought, "Well, I
guess God would speak to each

in the language
they best understand.

I think--
I think she would."

So I fucking hate politicians,

God hates fucking
politicians, that's it.

And that includes Pat Robertson.

Don't you hate that guy?

He's a politician wannabe.

That guy is like
the craziest person on earth,

you know.

I once called
Pat Robertson the Antichrist,

but I got sued by the
Antichrist Anti-defamation League.

They said, "Yeah,
we're fucked up,

but we're not Pat Robertson.
How dare you?"

Whoo!

All this stuff about morals and
values, that's all new, that's weird.

Politicians should not be
talking about morals or values.

They're all a fucking
bunch of crooks.

The only time they're ever
telling the truth

is when they're
calling each other liars.

And how did they get working
people to vote Republican?

How did they do that?

That's like getting chickens
to vote for Colonel Sanders.

Another sign
of the end of the world:

the rising popularity
of Christian rock.

What the hell is Christian rock?

What is it? Talk about working
both sides of the street.

What's next, Christian porn?

Yeah!

You know that's coming.
You know that's coming.

Mark my words.

You know, ladies and gentlemen,
I am almost 40 years old

and I have never seen
such dishonesty...

...as exists in the world today.

It's all scary.

And I believe the government--

and by government, of course,

I do not mean
the United States government,

but the one-world
satanic government

that is drugging us all on
testosterone-laced Starbucks coffee

so that we can be easily led
by Satan's disciples

through the use of computers,
including the chips

we have implanted in our heads

which are constantly recharged
by the cell phones...

...to have our lower chakras
overstimulated

so that we become lazy

and unaware of what is
actually going on in the world

and only care about things
that don't matter,

like sharing
our germ-infested sex fluids

with other members
of the human race--

and I believe
the government is terrified

that an older sexless
menopausal woman such as myself

might actually stumble
upon this truth

as I have done.

And I'd love to share this truth
with you, ladies and gentlemen.

I'd love to share
this truth with you,

but as I look out there tonight

I can see you're all just a
bunch of horny motherfuckers

- and it will do me no good.
- Yeah!

You'll simply report me
to the government

and they'll send someone after me with
a hypodermic needle full of hormones.

And I'm not falling
for that again!

It's too scary.
It's all so scary.

It's so scary. Last night
I got down on my knees

and I said, "God,
are you listening?

Are you listening to what's
happening in the United States?"

And then I heard
a strange sound,

and then a voice.

"If you would like to speak to
God in English, press one now.

If it's a matter of life
or death, press two.

If you just want God to help
your team win the big game,

or you've run out of gas and want
God to help you make it to the exit...

Press three."

I pressed one and then I heard

"All God's representatives
are currently busy

helping people who are shitting
their pants with fear and desperation

and actually asking for
favors worth begging for,

but you can get help online

at WW.get-off-your-lazy-
superstitious-ass-

and-try-something-to-help
-yourselves-for-a-change-

you-ungrateful-
little-bastard.org."

It set me free,
ladies and gentlemen.

It set me free.
As I perused the site...

I decided to become a Muslim,

as well as a Christian

and rev up my Jew mojo.

To cover all the bases

I joined the Jehovah's
Witness Protection Program,

ladies and gentlemen...

where I received
the gift of prophecy,

which I am about
to share with you now.

Earlier in the evening
as you came in,

ladies and gentlemen, you were
asked to fill out a questionnaire

of the various answers
you require

about your future
and the future of the world.

Those cards
were gathered, compiled

and brought to me
and now I will begin

the channeling process.

and I will now...

...be a vessel for...

the holy hidden orifice...

from beyond the great behind.

I am now in the zone.

The first question:

Brandon from Hermosa Beach.

Brandon.

"My dog Sadie died last week.

Will I see her in heaven?"

Aw.

You're not going
to heaven, Brandon.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd just
like to point out at this time

that the answers
are coming through me

from the higher universal mind.

Through me, not from me.

So do not get mad at me.

I am merely a vessel
for the higher universal mind.

Thank you. "How much
longer will I live?"

William from Great Neck,
New York.

Longer than anyone
wants you to, William.

Yes, it's true.

Paul from Los Angeles,

"I'm up for a promotion at work.

Will I get it?" No.

Dave from Northridge:

"Are there any virgins
in the audience?"

No, Dave, just you.

Andy from Hollywood: "Will
I ever have a threesome?"

No, Andy, it will be
a one-some as usual.

Anyway, Roger from Sacramento:

"My wife loves you and made me
drive her all the way down here,

six hours. Do you think I
will get lucky tonight?"

No, Roger, you'll still
have to fuck her.

Marco from Van Nuys:

"Who shot Tupac Shakur?"

Cheney shot him.

Sally from San Diego:

"Will my husband ever get his
agent-orange exposure benefits

from the government?"
Yes, Sally, he will,

just as soon as I'm invited
to the White House

to sing "The Star-Spangled
Banner."

Mark from Sherman Oaks:

"I am a successful
entrepreneur, and--"

"--and people always tell me
I'm very good looking.

I work out four times per week

and stay healthy and fit.

I have a great relationship
with my family.

I volunteer
at the community center

and everyone says
I am a great catch.

Why am I still single?"

Because you're an asshole, Mark.

Ladies and gentlemen,
that was the final question

and now I believe and feel that
the channel is moving away from me.

It's beginning to close, it's
narrowing, it's going away,

it's... snapping shut!

snapping shut.

Before I leave,

I'd like to leave you
with this one thought:

There are people in our
government and in our world

who would like us
to remain in fear.

They would like us to be
in fear all the time

because then we're
easily controlled.

But you know what? We only
have about a year to live anyway,

so I say if there's anything
you really want to do,

get out there and
do it now, God damn it!

Don't let fear stop you!

And to prove that there is

nothing to fear
in this whole fucking world

except fear itself,
ladies and gentlemen,

I shall now dance around

in my Madonna-like leotard...

...as soon as I get
a little striptease music.

There's nothing to be afraid of!

Let me move this
so you can see me.

ladies and gentlemen...

my fear of dancing
in my underwear in public

has been conquered tonight,

and yet that fear is nothing

compared to my fear
of singing in public.

And incidentally
and coincidentally

that just happens
to be the final sign

of the end of the world--

when the fat lady sings.

Thank you.

Mommy is old and successful,

and has earned
the right to be drunk

or on drugs or a raving
fucking maniac

if she so chooses!

These kids today have no
appreciation whatsoever

for the amount of drugs
their parents have had to take

in order to buy them
the things they wanted!

Didn't Rosario raise
you better than that?

50's not old,
50's like the new 30.

It's not old,
you don't look old.

53, it's not that fucking old.

It's middle-aged.

No, it isn't,
nobody lives to 106,

for Christ's sake.
Fucking old.

I have a 10-year-old son...

and five-year-old grandson,

which makes me
the official queen

of all trailer trash.