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1
00:00:25,236 --> 00:00:28,573
Cardassian disruptor,
Klingon disruptor,
2
00:00:28,606 --> 00:00:30,575
Romulan disruptor. Why
are we throwing out
3
00:00:30,608 --> 00:00:31,908
so many disruptors?
4
00:00:31,943 --> 00:00:33,345
Orders from the Grand Nagus.
5
00:00:33,378 --> 00:00:35,613
No more arms sales.
We're going straight.
6
00:00:35,647 --> 00:00:37,749
But these are worth a fortune.
7
00:00:37,782 --> 00:00:38,850
Rom doesn't care.
8
00:00:38,883 --> 00:00:40,685
He says equality and hospitality
9
00:00:40,718 --> 00:00:42,420
are more profitable
in the long run.
10
00:00:42,454 --> 00:00:44,155
I want to be rich now.
11
00:00:44,188 --> 00:00:45,857
What even is this thing?
12
00:00:45,890 --> 00:00:47,859
Careful! That's
a Genesis Device!
13
00:00:47,892 --> 00:00:49,694
No, it isn't. It's too small.
14
00:00:49,727 --> 00:00:51,763
It's an updated
portable version.
15
00:00:51,796 --> 00:00:53,865
These are used to
terraform planets.
16
00:00:53,898 --> 00:00:55,733
You could have
rearranged our molecules.
17
00:00:55,767 --> 00:00:57,802
We should rearrange
the captain's molecules
18
00:00:57,835 --> 00:00:59,837
for leaving so much
latinum on the table.
19
00:00:59,871 --> 00:01:02,306
We could buy a ship with
this. Maybe even a fleet.
20
00:01:02,340 --> 00:01:05,510
Gem doesn't care. He thinks
Rom is the next Lonz.
21
00:01:05,543 --> 00:01:07,845
We're under attack!
22
00:01:07,879 --> 00:01:11,082
Right on time.
23
00:01:16,854 --> 00:01:19,757
Move us away from that
ship. Full impulse.
24
00:01:19,791 --> 00:01:21,793
But, Captain, they could
be looking to trade.
25
00:01:21,826 --> 00:01:24,829
It's always good business
to know about new customers
26
00:01:24,862 --> 00:01:26,063
before they walk in your door.
27
00:01:26,097 --> 00:01:28,400
Ah, ah. Rule of
acquisition 62:
28
00:01:28,433 --> 00:01:31,268
"The riskier the road,
the greater the profit."
29
00:01:31,302 --> 00:01:32,737
Come on, get on with it.
30
00:01:32,770 --> 00:01:35,006
Jeef, you're up to
something. I can smell it.
31
00:01:35,038 --> 00:01:36,740
I don't know what
you're talking about.
32
00:01:36,774 --> 00:01:38,876
You're only here as
a favor to my cousin.
33
00:01:38,910 --> 00:01:41,245
I never trusted you.
Throw him out the airlock!
34
00:01:41,278 --> 00:01:42,847
They told me we
would make a profit.
35
00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:44,782
I knew it!
36
00:01:44,816 --> 00:01:46,150
They're firing at us!
37
00:03:01,893 --> 00:03:05,162
Captain's
log, stardate 58901..
38
00:03:05,196 --> 00:03:08,299
The Cerritos has
traveled to Ferenginar.
39
00:03:08,332 --> 00:03:11,068
The Ferengi leadership is
submitting a formal application
40
00:03:11,102 --> 00:03:13,705
to begin the process of
joining the Federation...
41
00:03:13,738 --> 00:03:16,541
an alliance that could
benefit the entire quadrant.
42
00:03:16,574 --> 00:03:19,243
This may just be a first step,
43
00:03:19,276 --> 00:03:22,179
but it's still a
historic occasion.
44
00:03:22,213 --> 00:03:24,081
I hope you've been
practicing your notarizing.
45
00:03:24,115 --> 00:03:26,518
You are about to witness
the quickest signing
46
00:03:26,551 --> 00:03:27,719
in Starfleet history.
47
00:03:27,752 --> 00:03:29,353
These are the Ferengi, Admiral.
48
00:03:29,386 --> 00:03:31,055
I think we should
be prepared for...
49
00:03:31,088 --> 00:03:33,057
A cakewalk?
We're not dealing with
50
00:03:33,090 --> 00:03:35,392
the old Ferenginar
anymore. Rom and Leeta
51
00:03:35,426 --> 00:03:37,428
have brought so much
progressive change,
52
00:03:37,461 --> 00:03:39,764
it makes Moab IV inside the dome
53
00:03:39,797 --> 00:03:42,567
look like Moab IV
outside the dome.
54
00:03:44,536 --> 00:03:47,071
Well, you-you'd get it if
you'd ever been to Moab IV.
55
00:03:47,104 --> 00:03:49,607
Respectfully, sir, the
tenth rule of acquisition...
56
00:03:49,641 --> 00:03:51,809
Whoever's been attacking
ships across the quadrant
57
00:03:51,843 --> 00:03:53,645
has disrupted
their trade routes.
58
00:03:53,678 --> 00:03:55,780
Rom is desperate for
Federation resources.
59
00:03:55,813 --> 00:03:58,149
This is just an application.
We'll be in and out in no time.
60
00:03:59,483 --> 00:04:01,152
Announcing Grand Nagus Rom
61
00:04:01,185 --> 00:04:02,887
and First Clerk Leeta.
62
00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:05,256
Welcome, Grand Nagus.
63
00:04:05,289 --> 00:04:08,459
I am honored to have
you aboard the Toronto.
64
00:04:08,492 --> 00:04:09,994
The pleasure is ours, Admiral.
65
00:04:10,027 --> 00:04:13,297
We offer you this ceremonial
bust of good fortune.
66
00:04:13,330 --> 00:04:14,365
Oh, thank you.
67
00:04:14,398 --> 00:04:16,734
The likeness is
quite flattering.
68
00:04:16,767 --> 00:04:18,770
We also offer you the
ceremonial invoice
69
00:04:18,803 --> 00:04:20,337
for the bust of good fortune.
70
00:04:20,371 --> 00:04:21,839
How much is... Oh, my.
71
00:04:21,873 --> 00:04:23,240
In the spirit of unity,
72
00:04:23,274 --> 00:04:25,810
we gave you the "friends
and family" discount.
73
00:04:25,843 --> 00:04:28,846
Um, did you bring any latinum?
74
00:04:29,947 --> 00:04:31,282
See here
on the stabilizers?
75
00:04:31,282 --> 00:04:32,784
I was thinking if we
repositioned the...
76
00:04:32,784 --> 00:04:33,985
- Matrix?
- We could...
77
00:04:34,018 --> 00:04:35,352
- Beef up the dampeners?
- And...
78
00:04:35,386 --> 00:04:37,521
- Get a .005% smoother ride.
- I was gonna say
79
00:04:37,555 --> 00:04:40,057
win engineering's "most
beefed-up dampener" competition,
80
00:04:40,091 --> 00:04:41,292
but, yeah, that, too.
81
00:04:41,325 --> 00:04:43,595
Mariner, geez.
82
00:04:43,628 --> 00:04:45,563
You've been weathering
that stem bolt for so long,
83
00:04:45,563 --> 00:04:47,965
it probably can't even
self-seal anymore. What's up?
84
00:04:47,999 --> 00:04:49,967
Nothing. I'm doing
great. Uh, Ransom
85
00:04:50,001 --> 00:04:51,769
is supportive of
everything I want to do.
86
00:04:51,803 --> 00:04:53,170
For the first time in years,
87
00:04:53,204 --> 00:04:55,306
I have total autonomy
and zero complaints.
88
00:04:55,339 --> 00:04:57,909
So, why are you sitting
here looking pissed off?
89
00:04:57,942 --> 00:04:59,443
Stop staring at me. Shut up.
90
00:04:59,476 --> 00:05:00,878
Lieutenant junior grades.
91
00:05:00,912 --> 00:05:02,346
Lieutenant juniors grade?
92
00:05:02,379 --> 00:05:04,048
Lieutenants junior
grade? Whatever.
93
00:05:04,081 --> 00:05:06,550
You four just pulled the most
coveted job at Starfleet.
94
00:05:06,584 --> 00:05:09,120
Balancing the positron
compression chamber?!
95
00:05:09,153 --> 00:05:11,188
No. Travel guide duty!
96
00:05:11,222 --> 00:05:12,556
I thought that was a myth.
97
00:05:12,590 --> 00:05:14,158
What's travel guide duty?
98
00:05:14,191 --> 00:05:16,628
Starfleet has travel guides
for all habitable planets.
99
00:05:16,661 --> 00:05:20,364
The file for Ferenginar hasn't
been updated in years, so...
100
00:05:20,397 --> 00:05:23,000
Starfleet's gonna foot the bill
for us to go to as many bars,
101
00:05:23,034 --> 00:05:25,002
restaurants, bars,
hotels, pubs, bars,
102
00:05:25,036 --> 00:05:27,071
saloons, cantinas
and bars as we want.
103
00:05:27,104 --> 00:05:29,040
Also museums, historical sites,
104
00:05:29,073 --> 00:05:31,075
but, basically, yeah,
it's mostly bars.
105
00:05:31,108 --> 00:05:33,144
Oh. How many places do
people usually review?
106
00:05:33,176 --> 00:05:34,646
I don't know. Four or five?
107
00:05:34,679 --> 00:05:35,913
Great. I'm gonna do 40.
108
00:05:35,947 --> 00:05:37,248
I'll pack my schedule so full
109
00:05:37,281 --> 00:05:39,283
that I do everything
and enjoy nothing.
110
00:05:39,316 --> 00:05:40,852
It's not a contest, Lieutenant.
111
00:05:40,885 --> 00:05:42,152
- You can take your...
- Sir,
112
00:05:42,186 --> 00:05:43,487
I'm only a lieutenant
junior grade.
113
00:05:43,487 --> 00:05:44,989
I have everything
to prove.
114
00:05:45,022 --> 00:05:46,658
I need to make an itinerary!
115
00:05:48,292 --> 00:05:49,593
Does he drink a lot of coffee?
116
00:05:49,627 --> 00:05:50,728
- Oh, yeah.
- Mm-hmm, tons.
117
00:05:50,762 --> 00:05:52,096
We also need someone to act
118
00:05:52,129 --> 00:05:53,698
as a couple. And
since the Cerritos is
119
00:05:53,731 --> 00:05:56,100
statistically the horniest and
least romantically committed
120
00:05:56,133 --> 00:05:58,836
crew in Starfleet, we have
no married officers aboard.
121
00:05:58,870 --> 00:06:01,572
You want us to pretend to
be married and review stuff?
122
00:06:01,605 --> 00:06:03,474
Oh, that sounds hilarious.
123
00:06:03,507 --> 00:06:05,576
Yeah, we're already such a good
team, we finish each other's...
124
00:06:05,576 --> 00:06:07,712
Diophantine equations.
125
00:06:08,512 --> 00:06:10,682
Maybe I should have
Honus and Nurse Westlake
126
00:06:10,715 --> 00:06:12,016
take a crack at it.
127
00:06:12,049 --> 00:06:13,985
Commander, we are an
expert science team.
128
00:06:14,018 --> 00:06:16,253
I'm pretty sure we can
handle a fake romance.
129
00:06:16,287 --> 00:06:18,723
Let's go get packed, honey.
130
00:06:21,158 --> 00:06:22,426
You pulled some strings
to get us assigned
131
00:06:22,426 --> 00:06:23,828
to travel guide
duty, didn't you?
132
00:06:23,861 --> 00:06:25,196
I might have had
something to do with it.
133
00:06:25,196 --> 00:06:27,098
Ugh, why is it so
weird when you're nice?
134
00:06:27,131 --> 00:06:28,933
Because I'm also so handsome.
135
00:06:28,966 --> 00:06:30,601
Total package.
136
00:06:36,540 --> 00:06:37,374
Wow.
137
00:06:50,221 --> 00:06:52,924
Wow. Oh, it's like what
heaven would look like
138
00:06:52,957 --> 00:06:54,625
if God was stupid.
139
00:06:54,658 --> 00:06:56,460
Oh, I'm just so
excited to haggle at
140
00:06:56,493 --> 00:06:58,029
the Museum of
Gambling.
141
00:06:58,062 --> 00:06:59,662
Oh, and gamble at the
Museum of Haggling!
142
00:06:59,663 --> 00:07:02,299
Let's go find the honeymoon
suite, pudding bear.
143
00:07:02,333 --> 00:07:03,935
Right this way, muffin skunk.
144
00:07:03,968 --> 00:07:05,069
Excellent cutesy speak.
145
00:07:05,069 --> 00:07:06,871
Yeah, just nice and natural
146
00:07:06,904 --> 00:07:08,039
and definitely the
way people talk.
147
00:07:08,039 --> 00:07:09,406
Now, if you'll excuse me,
148
00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:10,908
I promised a friend
I'd meet up with him.
149
00:07:10,908 --> 00:07:12,409
And I have to squeeze
150
00:07:12,443 --> 00:07:14,345
an unforgiving amount of
experiences into my day.
151
00:07:14,345 --> 00:07:16,714
- We sound natural, right?
- Totally.
152
00:07:16,748 --> 00:07:18,983
We got married at a wedding.
153
00:07:20,818 --> 00:07:22,386
This way, my sweet wife.
154
00:07:22,419 --> 00:07:24,455
I'm so excited to wake
you up from a deep sleep
155
00:07:24,488 --> 00:07:26,323
whenever it sounds like
you're having a nightmare.
156
00:07:26,323 --> 00:07:28,259
And I'm excited to know how
you like your hamburgers
157
00:07:28,259 --> 00:07:30,059
so I can order them for
you and ask the waiter
158
00:07:30,061 --> 00:07:31,562
to take it back when
they've made it wrong.
159
00:07:31,562 --> 00:07:33,597
I'm not gonna feel weird
about using your toothbrush
160
00:07:33,597 --> 00:07:35,399
because our gums are
in a partnership.
161
00:07:35,432 --> 00:07:37,401
Yeah, and I'm gonna wear
your gym shorts around
162
00:07:37,434 --> 00:07:39,503
our shared quarters
with nothing up top
163
00:07:39,536 --> 00:07:42,306
because who cares about
nudity with our situation?
164
00:07:42,339 --> 00:07:45,877
- You-you are?
- Sure. I, uh...
165
00:07:45,910 --> 00:07:48,045
I love being married
to my husband.
166
00:07:48,079 --> 00:07:50,081
I love you, too.
167
00:07:51,448 --> 00:07:53,717
You know what, maybe we should
just go back to the ship.
168
00:07:53,751 --> 00:07:56,353
Yeah, pretending to be
married is kind of weird.
169
00:07:56,387 --> 00:07:57,721
- Let's...
- Ah!
170
00:07:57,755 --> 00:08:00,825
Our Starfleet VIPs.
Attention, everyone.
171
00:08:00,858 --> 00:08:03,861
These young lovers are
getting a great deal.
172
00:08:19,610 --> 00:08:20,812
All right.
173
00:08:20,845 --> 00:08:24,315
Dropping bags off in hotel
room is off the list.
174
00:08:24,348 --> 00:08:26,350
We got the for-profit minibar,
the for-profit toilet,
175
00:08:26,350 --> 00:08:28,119
the machine that charges
you to pay for the toilet
176
00:08:28,119 --> 00:08:29,153
and the minibar.
177
00:08:29,186 --> 00:08:31,055
View screen works.
178
00:08:31,088 --> 00:08:32,589
That's everything.
179
00:08:32,623 --> 00:08:35,191
I give this hotel
a nine out of ten.
180
00:08:35,225 --> 00:08:37,561
Now, off to the
Museum of Bribery.
181
00:08:39,396 --> 00:08:40,931
Oh, weird. A
what-you-call-it...
182
00:08:40,965 --> 00:08:42,800
a "commer-seal"?
183
00:08:42,834 --> 00:08:44,301
Ooh.
184
00:08:48,072 --> 00:08:50,107
- Aah!
- You're fired.
185
00:08:50,141 --> 00:08:53,010
Slug-O Cola. This
happens to everyone who drinks it.
186
00:08:53,044 --> 00:08:55,046
They just lie to you?
187
00:08:55,079 --> 00:08:57,048
Hilarious. Well,
time to head out.
188
00:08:57,081 --> 00:09:00,551
And now, Pog
& Dar: Cop Landlords.
189
00:09:00,584 --> 00:09:02,419
Huh? Mm.
190
00:09:02,453 --> 00:09:04,956
This is like a holo-novel,
but way sleazier.
191
00:09:07,591 --> 00:09:09,260
You're making
my partner mad.
192
00:09:09,293 --> 00:09:11,428
- Just sign the lease, dirtbag.
- No.
193
00:09:16,868 --> 00:09:18,235
Hey, Quimp.
194
00:09:18,269 --> 00:09:21,405
Well, if it isn't my
favorite pathetic human.
195
00:09:21,438 --> 00:09:24,041
- Is that a new pip I see?
- Uh, yep.
196
00:09:24,075 --> 00:09:26,911
I'm an LJG again, for now.
197
00:09:26,944 --> 00:09:28,745
Congratulations.
I never thought
198
00:09:28,779 --> 00:09:30,714
you'd dig your way out
of crashing that Oberth.
199
00:09:30,747 --> 00:09:33,450
Ditto. Still, being a
lieutenant kind of sucks.
200
00:09:33,484 --> 00:09:36,253
My stupid mentor won't stop
trying to make feel like
201
00:09:36,287 --> 00:09:38,255
a valued part of the team.
202
00:09:38,289 --> 00:09:40,391
Oh, sounds like
a real nightmare.
203
00:09:40,424 --> 00:09:41,825
You would hate it,
too. But whatever.
204
00:09:41,825 --> 00:09:43,560
You know, I'm excited
to leave all that behind
205
00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:45,329
- so we can hang.
- Read my mind.
206
00:09:45,362 --> 00:09:47,664
Hey, maybe some brunch?
Casual meal with some yogurt.
207
00:09:47,698 --> 00:09:50,033
Two shots of Cardassian tequila
and a dagger of the mind
208
00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:51,435
- on the rocks.
- Wow.
209
00:09:51,468 --> 00:09:53,270
That's pretty hard
for 10:00 a.m.
210
00:09:53,304 --> 00:09:55,606
It's 10:00 a.m.? Ooh,
make it three shots.
211
00:09:55,639 --> 00:09:58,775
Ha! I'll have the same.
It'll be fun to let loose.
212
00:09:58,809 --> 00:10:00,111
Uh, yeah. I need it.
213
00:10:00,144 --> 00:10:01,645
Where'd you even get that one?
214
00:10:01,678 --> 00:10:04,248
- He didn't bring the drinks yet.
- Do we care?
215
00:10:04,281 --> 00:10:05,917
Hey!
216
00:10:06,750 --> 00:10:08,920
Now,
Mr. Grand Nagus...
217
00:10:08,953 --> 00:10:11,155
- Just Nagus.
- Sorry. Nagus.
218
00:10:11,188 --> 00:10:13,790
Grand Nagus.
219
00:10:14,858 --> 00:10:17,394
Now that we have paid
our ceremonial invoice,
220
00:10:17,428 --> 00:10:18,996
perhaps we should focus
on the application?
221
00:10:18,996 --> 00:10:20,497
Uh, it's a boilerplate...
222
00:10:20,531 --> 00:10:23,434
Ooh! Do you still play
baseball? We should put in there
223
00:10:23,467 --> 00:10:25,236
that Ferenginar gets
to play baseball.
224
00:10:25,269 --> 00:10:26,870
I like baseball. It's fun.
225
00:10:26,904 --> 00:10:30,007
I think we can slip
that in.
226
00:10:30,041 --> 00:10:33,777
If that's the type of adjustment
you need to get this done.
227
00:10:33,810 --> 00:10:36,413
I'm just a former bartender,
but I was looking at the numbers
228
00:10:36,447 --> 00:10:39,016
and was wondering if
they could be different.
229
00:10:39,050 --> 00:10:41,885
Different numbers? I'm
not sure what you mean.
230
00:10:41,919 --> 00:10:43,279
Just a moment, my love.
231
00:10:43,287 --> 00:10:45,622
Oh. Baseball.
232
00:10:45,656 --> 00:10:49,360
Listen, my husband isn't
exactly a shrewd businessman.
233
00:10:49,393 --> 00:10:51,028
He just likes to feel involved.
234
00:10:51,062 --> 00:10:53,097
Ah, I think I see what you mean.
235
00:10:53,130 --> 00:10:55,432
Play ball!
236
00:10:56,700 --> 00:10:58,602
- Admiral, a word, please?
- Stand down, Captain.
237
00:10:58,602 --> 00:11:00,671
You were saying, First Clerk?
238
00:11:00,704 --> 00:11:02,339
If we can open up the document
239
00:11:02,373 --> 00:11:04,475
and let him shuffle around
a couple of numbers,
240
00:11:04,508 --> 00:11:06,110
he'll feel like he
accomplished something.
241
00:11:06,110 --> 00:11:08,912
I don't see any problem with that.
242
00:11:08,946 --> 00:11:11,949
This is a classic dumb cop/
reasonable cop routine.
243
00:11:11,983 --> 00:11:14,685
The terms of the membership
application are locked,
244
00:11:14,718 --> 00:11:17,154
- but if we open them up...
- Thank you for the input, Captain,
245
00:11:17,154 --> 00:11:18,522
but we'll be fine.
246
00:11:18,555 --> 00:11:19,756
- He's practically a child.
- One, two,
247
00:11:19,756 --> 00:11:21,192
three strikes.
248
00:11:21,225 --> 00:11:22,493
- You're out.
- Grand Nagus,
249
00:11:22,493 --> 00:11:23,860
I've just reopened the contract.
250
00:11:23,894 --> 00:11:25,562
Why don't you show me
some of the numbers
251
00:11:25,596 --> 00:11:27,698
that seem wrong, and
we'll fix them together?
252
00:11:28,765 --> 00:11:30,601
We'll start on page
11, subsection B,
253
00:11:30,634 --> 00:11:32,803
incentivization vis-à-vis
the great Ferengi people
254
00:11:32,836 --> 00:11:35,606
and our reluctant acceptance
of your Federation.
255
00:11:35,639 --> 00:11:37,574
- She means bribes.
- Then we'll move
256
00:11:37,608 --> 00:11:40,177
to the tariffs on Ferengi
exports to outlying territories.
257
00:11:40,211 --> 00:11:42,479
Freeze! You're under
arrest for having a pet
258
00:11:42,513 --> 00:11:44,681
over 25 pounds in
one of my units.
259
00:11:44,715 --> 00:11:47,418
He was 20 pounds when I
got hi. I swear...
260
00:11:47,451 --> 00:11:49,486
- Aah!
- Aah!
261
00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:50,787
You just
surrendered your deposit
262
00:11:50,787 --> 00:11:53,524
and your life.
263
00:11:53,557 --> 00:11:55,426
I'm not gonna make it, partner.
264
00:11:55,459 --> 00:11:57,061
Hey, you hang on
one second, buddy.
265
00:11:57,094 --> 00:11:59,696
I just need to enjoy the
crisp, refreshing taste
266
00:11:59,730 --> 00:12:01,665
of a Slug-O Cola.
267
00:12:01,698 --> 00:12:04,301
Oh, they put commercials
in the shows?
268
00:12:04,335 --> 00:12:06,503
It's like mind control.
269
00:12:06,537 --> 00:12:08,205
Transfer your latinum to me,
270
00:12:08,239 --> 00:12:10,274
or I'll tell everyone you
supported tenants' rights.
271
00:12:10,274 --> 00:12:12,109
I'm proud
to be scammed
272
00:12:12,143 --> 00:12:15,779
by a landlord cop as
conniving as you, partner.
273
00:12:18,782 --> 00:12:20,751
Okay, I guess I should
finally do my...
274
00:12:20,784 --> 00:12:22,386
Up next...
Will They, Won't They?
275
00:12:22,386 --> 00:12:23,746
The workplace sitcom
where everyone
276
00:12:23,754 --> 00:12:24,888
is secretly in love
with each other.
277
00:12:24,888 --> 00:12:26,023
I'm sorry, what?
278
00:12:26,057 --> 00:12:28,492
Oh, Blongo, I don't
know what to do.
279
00:12:28,525 --> 00:12:30,361
I'm secretly in love with Nilm,
280
00:12:30,394 --> 00:12:31,962
but she's engaged to Bok,
281
00:12:31,995 --> 00:12:33,564
who's always extremely...
282
00:12:33,597 --> 00:12:35,466
This kind of hacky,
lowest-common-denominator
283
00:12:35,499 --> 00:12:37,101
schlock won't work on me.
284
00:12:37,134 --> 00:12:40,537
- Her flirtations with Kret.
- But I better watch
285
00:12:40,571 --> 00:12:42,873
so officers who aren't
as resilient as I am
286
00:12:42,906 --> 00:12:44,241
will know what to avoid.
287
00:12:44,275 --> 00:12:45,709
But you should go for it.
288
00:12:45,742 --> 00:12:48,179
Even though I'm secretly
in love with you.
289
00:12:51,048 --> 00:12:53,217
Whew! I'm so grateful everything
is shaped like a heart,
290
00:12:53,217 --> 00:12:55,952
or else I'd forget that I'm
here for romantic reasons.
291
00:12:55,986 --> 00:12:57,388
Yeah, it's like, who
decided that hearts
292
00:12:57,388 --> 00:12:58,722
are the universal
symbol for love?
293
00:12:58,755 --> 00:13:00,524
If anything, it
should be kissy lips
294
00:13:00,557 --> 00:13:03,294
or gorgeous green
eyes. Or something.
295
00:13:03,327 --> 00:13:04,661
What?
296
00:13:04,695 --> 00:13:07,831
Knock-knock! It's me,
Parth, your hug-cierge.
297
00:13:07,864 --> 00:13:09,766
It's time for your
couple's photo session.
298
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:11,400
- Our what?
- Put on these outfits.
299
00:13:11,402 --> 00:13:12,669
Uh, okay.
300
00:13:12,669 --> 00:13:15,106
Uh,
I'm almost ready.
301
00:13:15,139 --> 00:13:16,940
Me, too.
302
00:13:16,973 --> 00:13:19,176
- Mm...
- Uh... Aah!
303
00:13:20,611 --> 00:13:24,014
Wow. You
look so handsome.
304
00:13:24,047 --> 00:13:25,216
Thanks.
305
00:13:25,249 --> 00:13:27,451
And you look, uh... captivating?
306
00:13:27,484 --> 00:13:29,920
Sorry, I'm trying to
make my mind come up
307
00:13:29,953 --> 00:13:31,122
with a less intense word,
308
00:13:31,155 --> 00:13:34,125
but hoo-boy, is it
extremely warm in here?
309
00:13:34,158 --> 00:13:35,492
You bet it is, soldier.
310
00:13:35,526 --> 00:13:38,329
Now, let's
commemorate your love!
311
00:13:38,362 --> 00:13:40,631
Ooh, shameless.
312
00:13:40,664 --> 00:13:42,133
Really press
yourselves together.
313
00:13:42,166 --> 00:13:43,934
Publicly display that affection.
314
00:13:43,967 --> 00:13:45,402
I think that's enough.
315
00:13:45,436 --> 00:13:48,004
No problem. We'll move
on to the lingerie.
316
00:13:48,038 --> 00:13:49,140
- Aah!
- Aah!
317
00:13:49,173 --> 00:13:50,707
Sorry, can't! Late for dinner.
318
00:13:58,549 --> 00:13:59,850
Dabo!
319
00:13:59,883 --> 00:14:01,752
Damn, Quimp,
I got to admit...
320
00:14:01,785 --> 00:14:03,053
at first I was skeptical,
321
00:14:03,086 --> 00:14:05,856
but Ferengi public
libraries go hard.
322
00:14:05,889 --> 00:14:09,693
I told you, nobody's read a book
in here in a thousand years.
323
00:14:09,726 --> 00:14:12,028
Wow.
324
00:14:12,062 --> 00:14:15,031
You can still drink an alarming
amount of glowing alien liquors,
325
00:14:15,065 --> 00:14:17,901
- but I must call it.
- No, you can't take off now.
326
00:14:17,934 --> 00:14:19,503
We haven't even gotten
to the part of the night
327
00:14:19,503 --> 00:14:21,472
- where we regret stuff.
- Yeah, that
328
00:14:21,505 --> 00:14:23,874
- sounds fun. Oh!
- Oh, my goodness.
329
00:14:23,907 --> 00:14:26,777
- A thousand apologies, good sir.
- Oh, not a worry at all.
330
00:14:26,810 --> 00:14:28,745
Did you just spill a
drink on my friend?
331
00:14:28,779 --> 00:14:30,347
I've been a proper
fool. And, of course,
332
00:14:30,381 --> 00:14:31,648
- I'll reimburse...
- You better
333
00:14:31,682 --> 00:14:32,949
get ready to reimburse me for
334
00:14:32,983 --> 00:14:34,785
a new 'burse shirt,
too, butt-ass,
335
00:14:34,818 --> 00:14:37,053
'cause this one's about to
be soaked in your blood.
336
00:14:37,087 --> 00:14:40,157
Madam, please. I'm just
trying to enjoy an evening out
337
00:14:40,191 --> 00:14:41,992
with the rest of my biker gang.
338
00:14:42,025 --> 00:14:44,995
Sounds like this guy's
all bark and no fight!
339
00:14:52,236 --> 00:14:54,438
Oh, Mariner. Ow!
340
00:14:58,942 --> 00:15:00,944
So we'll adjust
341
00:15:00,944 --> 00:15:03,847
the table on page 17
concerning exchange rates.
342
00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:05,316
That would be satisfactory.
343
00:15:05,349 --> 00:15:06,950
I believe we're
almost wrapped up.
344
00:15:06,983 --> 00:15:09,453
Ooh, I have an idea.
Let's finish at my palace.
345
00:15:09,486 --> 00:15:11,121
Much better photo
op for the signing,
346
00:15:11,154 --> 00:15:13,524
plus all my favorite
baseballs are there.
347
00:15:13,557 --> 00:15:15,492
Oh, yeah, yeah, if that's
what it takes, fine.
348
00:15:16,860 --> 00:15:18,380
He's making you feel
like you're close,
349
00:15:18,395 --> 00:15:20,731
then delaying to make
you frustrated enough
350
00:15:20,764 --> 00:15:23,434
- to sign anything.
- I can't tell the council
351
00:15:23,467 --> 00:15:25,569
we failed at the
simplest of tasks.
352
00:15:25,602 --> 00:15:27,504
All Rom cares about is baseball,
353
00:15:27,538 --> 00:15:30,241
and all Leeta cares
about is fine print.
354
00:15:30,274 --> 00:15:32,776
I... I can do this.
355
00:15:39,616 --> 00:15:41,718
The Starfleet
Experience Bar & Grill?
356
00:15:41,752 --> 00:15:43,186
Huh. Maybe this will
feel like we're at work.
357
00:15:43,186 --> 00:15:45,622
Ooh, look! The waiter's
wearing one of those
358
00:15:45,656 --> 00:15:47,324
old velour uniforms that used
to catch fire all the time.
359
00:15:48,359 --> 00:15:51,595
Oh, good eye, muffin... top.
360
00:15:53,063 --> 00:15:54,731
Do you think maybe we
could... I don't know...
361
00:15:54,731 --> 00:15:56,199
just go back to acting
like friends for a bit?
362
00:15:56,199 --> 00:15:58,702
Yes. Oh, man, I'm so
glad you said something.
363
00:15:58,735 --> 00:15:59,970
Yeah. Who knew
pretending to be
364
00:16:00,003 --> 00:16:02,005
in a relationship with
each other would be
365
00:16:02,038 --> 00:16:04,174
- more nerve-racking than sealing a radiation leak?
- Yeah.
366
00:16:04,174 --> 00:16:06,843
Let's just keep it strictly
friend stuff from now on.
367
00:16:06,877 --> 00:16:07,811
Agreed.
368
00:16:07,844 --> 00:16:09,079
- Hello, lovers.
- Aah!
369
00:16:09,112 --> 00:16:10,247
I'm so sorry.
370
00:16:10,281 --> 00:16:12,048
The waiter gave you
the standard menus.
371
00:16:12,082 --> 00:16:13,584
- Hey!
- He didn't know you were
372
00:16:13,584 --> 00:16:15,319
here for our deluxe
romance package.
373
00:16:15,352 --> 00:16:18,289
Parth, buddy, you're a
top-notch hug-cierge,
374
00:16:18,322 --> 00:16:20,123
but we have to come clean.
375
00:16:20,156 --> 00:16:22,426
Just a second.
Hold that thought.
376
00:16:22,459 --> 00:16:24,428
Well, well, well.
377
00:16:24,461 --> 00:16:25,762
It looks like we've caught
378
00:16:25,796 --> 00:16:27,564
two people lying
about being a couple
379
00:16:27,598 --> 00:16:30,401
to defraud our company
out of a discount.
380
00:16:30,434 --> 00:16:34,438
This is, of course, one of
Ferenginar's worst felonies.
381
00:16:34,471 --> 00:16:36,239
So these two are
hereby sentenced
382
00:16:36,273 --> 00:16:40,210
to a lifetime working in
the subaquatic sulfur mines!
383
00:16:40,243 --> 00:16:41,912
Sorry about that.
384
00:16:41,945 --> 00:16:44,014
Enforcing the law is my least
favorite part of the job,
385
00:16:44,014 --> 00:16:46,350
but one that I take
with deadly seriousness.
386
00:16:46,383 --> 00:16:48,018
Anyhoo, what were you admitting
387
00:16:48,051 --> 00:16:49,653
before I sentenced
those two liars
388
00:16:49,686 --> 00:16:51,722
to a life of misery?
389
00:16:52,556 --> 00:16:54,791
That we are more in
love than ever before!
390
00:16:54,825 --> 00:16:58,028
- That's right, smumpy.
- Oh, good.
391
00:16:58,061 --> 00:17:01,131
Now for the most
romantic meal possible.
392
00:17:01,164 --> 00:17:02,899
Sexy
chocolate statues
393
00:17:02,933 --> 00:17:04,635
of each other for dinner?
394
00:17:04,668 --> 00:17:06,269
- Great.
- It's customary
395
00:17:06,303 --> 00:17:08,304
that after every bite you
tell the whole restaurant
396
00:17:08,339 --> 00:17:10,441
something you find
attractive about each other.
397
00:17:10,474 --> 00:17:13,610
The chairs can detect if
you're lying, so be sincere.
398
00:17:20,751 --> 00:17:22,852
Oh, thanks for
bailing me out of jail.
399
00:17:22,886 --> 00:17:24,921
Do you understand how many
people I just had to bribe
400
00:17:24,921 --> 00:17:26,889
to keep your little
drunken fistfight
401
00:17:26,923 --> 00:17:29,059
from ruining Starfleet's
diplomatic mission?
402
00:17:30,561 --> 00:17:32,363
Hey, you know me, man.
403
00:17:32,396 --> 00:17:34,196
I'm a wild rogue, living
on the edge of chaos.
404
00:17:34,197 --> 00:17:35,098
I sit weird in chairs.
405
00:17:35,131 --> 00:17:36,500
You can't predict me.
406
00:17:36,533 --> 00:17:38,068
Usually your chaos
means something.
407
00:17:38,101 --> 00:17:40,904
But it's weird this time.
You seem angry about nothing.
408
00:17:40,937 --> 00:17:43,006
Yeah, right. Oh, look, if
anyone's weird, it's you,
409
00:17:43,039 --> 00:17:44,875
Mr. "I Should Probably
Be Getting to Bed."
410
00:17:44,908 --> 00:17:46,343
You've changed, dude.
411
00:17:46,377 --> 00:17:48,945
Yeah, I have. That's what
happens when you're not
412
00:17:48,979 --> 00:17:51,715
stuck in a perpetual state
of immature rebellion.
413
00:17:51,748 --> 00:17:53,083
Wow. Immature?
414
00:17:53,116 --> 00:17:54,716
You have all the
support you ever wanted,
415
00:17:54,718 --> 00:17:56,587
nobody to scream
at or rail against,
416
00:17:56,620 --> 00:17:58,955
and look at you...
still picking fights
417
00:17:58,989 --> 00:18:00,624
to make sure you get hurt.
418
00:18:00,657 --> 00:18:03,226
What? No. That-That's
not what that was.
419
00:18:04,595 --> 00:18:07,030
I just want you to be careful.
420
00:18:07,063 --> 00:18:09,065
So you can live long
enough to pay me back.
421
00:18:09,099 --> 00:18:10,701
If I lose any more,
they'll have to
422
00:18:10,734 --> 00:18:12,135
put my account on this monument.
423
00:18:12,168 --> 00:18:14,505
Uh, isn't this
424
00:18:14,538 --> 00:18:16,206
a memorial to the dead?
425
00:18:16,239 --> 00:18:18,575
So much lost income!
426
00:18:18,609 --> 00:18:22,278
Is there no justice
in this galaxy?
427
00:18:22,312 --> 00:18:25,148
Man, I got to give it to you,
Ferengi keep it on-brand.
428
00:18:25,916 --> 00:18:29,119
Sorry I cost you money
and got you punched.
429
00:18:29,152 --> 00:18:32,389
Mariner, I love you, but
you need to figure out
430
00:18:32,423 --> 00:18:34,925
whatever's eating you up inside.
431
00:18:41,765 --> 00:18:43,299
Uh...
432
00:18:44,668 --> 00:18:47,203
Uh, Tendi's got...
433
00:18:47,237 --> 00:18:48,572
fun hair?
434
00:18:50,707 --> 00:18:53,477
Uh, uh, I like your hair, too.
435
00:18:53,510 --> 00:18:55,211
Congratulations.
436
00:18:55,245 --> 00:18:56,547
You have completed
437
00:18:56,580 --> 00:18:59,750
the Ferengi all-inclusive
newlywed discount package.
438
00:18:59,783 --> 00:19:01,718
You may now consummate
your marriage.
439
00:19:01,752 --> 00:19:02,953
- What?!
- What?!
440
00:19:02,986 --> 00:19:04,855
Not where
we can see you.
441
00:19:04,888 --> 00:19:07,190
You do it in the blind box,
442
00:19:07,223 --> 00:19:08,792
where we can hear it.
443
00:19:11,127 --> 00:19:12,927
Please alert the chef
that I will be reviewing
444
00:19:12,929 --> 00:19:15,331
this restaurant for my planet's
official foodie archives.
445
00:19:15,365 --> 00:19:16,867
My species invented space travel
446
00:19:16,900 --> 00:19:19,503
in order to seek out
strange new meals.
447
00:19:19,536 --> 00:19:20,871
D'Vana, Samanthan!
448
00:19:20,904 --> 00:19:22,973
What a coincidence.
These are, famously,
449
00:19:23,006 --> 00:19:25,776
the two closest platonic
friends on my ship.
450
00:19:25,809 --> 00:19:27,811
- Huh? Platonic?
- Hello!
451
00:19:27,844 --> 00:19:29,680
- Security! - Uh...
- Um...
452
00:19:29,713 --> 00:19:33,484
How dare you call us only friends?!
453
00:19:33,517 --> 00:19:36,953
You've been trying to break
up our love from the start!
454
00:19:36,987 --> 00:19:40,090
Uh, yeah. You know
we both love you.
455
00:19:40,123 --> 00:19:41,625
You do?
456
00:19:41,658 --> 00:19:43,259
Just because the Ferengi
newlywed discount
457
00:19:43,259 --> 00:19:45,562
can only be used by two
out of the three of us,
458
00:19:45,596 --> 00:19:47,297
you have the nerve
to come down here
459
00:19:47,330 --> 00:19:49,500
- and try to ruin our marriage?
- Wha...
460
00:19:49,533 --> 00:19:51,267
You guys love me?
461
00:19:51,301 --> 00:19:52,469
Of course we do.
462
00:19:52,503 --> 00:19:54,070
You're undeniably
attractive to both of us.
463
00:19:54,070 --> 00:19:56,272
But now that I see you
here, I want a divorce
464
00:19:56,306 --> 00:19:58,008
- so we can be together.
- But we can't...
465
00:19:58,041 --> 00:20:00,844
Thanks so much, Migleemo.
You ruined our marriage!
466
00:20:00,877 --> 00:20:02,479
We'll never forgive you.
467
00:20:02,513 --> 00:20:04,280
I didn't realize. I'm sorry.
468
00:20:04,314 --> 00:20:06,817
Please don't break
up because of me.
469
00:20:06,850 --> 00:20:09,319
Security, stand down.
470
00:20:09,352 --> 00:20:11,121
Now
that we're divorced,
471
00:20:11,154 --> 00:20:12,422
we're going back to our ship
472
00:20:12,455 --> 00:20:14,758
- and never talking again.
- That's right.
473
00:20:14,791 --> 00:20:17,694
Huh, I had no idea
they were married
474
00:20:17,728 --> 00:20:19,429
or that they both loved me.
475
00:20:19,462 --> 00:20:21,798
Can I interest you in our homewrecker package?
476
00:20:21,832 --> 00:20:24,901
You don't have to throw up in
my mouth twice. Let's do it.
477
00:20:24,935 --> 00:20:27,337
In addition to the
contractual changes, we are now
478
00:20:27,370 --> 00:20:29,806
allowed use of any ship in
Starfleet at our discretion,
479
00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:32,743
whether we end up joining
the Federation or not.
480
00:20:32,776 --> 00:20:34,711
And ten points on the back end
of every holo-novel program
481
00:20:34,711 --> 00:20:36,079
in perpetuity.
482
00:20:36,112 --> 00:20:38,849
I don't think
they have back end,
483
00:20:38,882 --> 00:20:40,483
but yes, yes.
484
00:20:40,517 --> 00:20:42,085
Uh-huh.
485
00:20:42,118 --> 00:20:44,588
Also, the Nagus would
like you to dance for him.
486
00:20:46,890 --> 00:20:48,959
I've
made those changes
487
00:20:48,992 --> 00:20:51,562
and added a billion bars
of gold-pressed latinum
488
00:20:51,595 --> 00:20:52,729
as a signing bonus.
489
00:20:52,763 --> 00:20:54,130
Wh-What? Captain!
490
00:20:54,164 --> 00:20:56,600
Keep dancing. Why
so giving, Freeman?
491
00:20:56,633 --> 00:20:59,435
I just want to wrap this
up and free the admiral
492
00:20:59,469 --> 00:21:01,905
before he signs away the
entire fleet.
493
00:21:01,938 --> 00:21:05,208
- He's clearly under your thumb.
- I am not!
494
00:21:05,241 --> 00:21:07,377
I don't buy it. There
has to be a catch.
495
00:21:07,410 --> 00:21:10,113
Of course. I've
added one provision.
496
00:21:10,146 --> 00:21:12,182
Here comes the other shoe.
497
00:21:12,215 --> 00:21:15,185
Before you receive any
of these signing bonuses,
498
00:21:15,218 --> 00:21:18,321
you must recruit one
other planet yourself,
499
00:21:18,354 --> 00:21:22,025
- since you're so good at it.
- What are you thinking, Carol?
500
00:21:22,058 --> 00:21:23,393
That's nothing. We
do it all the time.
501
00:21:23,393 --> 00:21:27,130
Ha! Do you realize
what just happened?
502
00:21:27,163 --> 00:21:29,399
You know how many planets
are in debt to us?
503
00:21:29,432 --> 00:21:31,768
Bringing just one
in will be nothing.
504
00:21:31,802 --> 00:21:33,704
We'll be in debt
to them forever.
505
00:21:33,737 --> 00:21:36,039
It's all right, Admiral.
They get nothing.
506
00:21:36,072 --> 00:21:37,473
We're done here.
507
00:21:37,507 --> 00:21:39,142
What? What do you mean?
508
00:21:39,175 --> 00:21:40,443
You owe us a fortune.
509
00:21:40,476 --> 00:21:43,647
Yes, contingent on
bringing in a planet.
510
00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:46,282
But I didn't say which planet.
511
00:21:46,316 --> 00:21:47,951
You might want to
read the fine print.
512
00:21:49,586 --> 00:21:52,689
Qo'noS, the Klingon
homeworld? That's impossible!
513
00:21:52,723 --> 00:21:54,090
Oh, I know.
514
00:21:54,124 --> 00:21:56,259
You forgot the eighth
rule of acquisition.
515
00:21:56,292 --> 00:21:59,229
"Small print leads
to large risk."
516
00:21:59,262 --> 00:22:02,032
You swindled
like a true Ferengi.
517
00:22:02,065 --> 00:22:03,867
I swear I had nothing
to do with this.
518
00:22:03,900 --> 00:22:06,236
You're lucky she
did. As much as we're
519
00:22:06,269 --> 00:22:07,971
in favor of joining
the Federation,
520
00:22:08,004 --> 00:22:11,141
the Grand Nagus can't sign with
a bunch of suckers and rubes.
521
00:22:11,174 --> 00:22:13,509
Captain Freeman, you showed
me that there are those
522
00:22:13,543 --> 00:22:15,946
in the Federation who
respect our culture.
523
00:22:15,979 --> 00:22:18,682
Let's start over. Bring
me the standard papers.
524
00:22:18,715 --> 00:22:20,884
I'll sign.
525
00:22:25,355 --> 00:22:27,858
Please
accept my apologies.
526
00:22:27,891 --> 00:22:29,559
I shouldn't have doubted you.
527
00:22:29,592 --> 00:22:31,995
I'll be relaying your
acuity to Command.
528
00:22:32,028 --> 00:22:34,430
Thank you, Admiral.
Happy to be of aid.
529
00:22:34,464 --> 00:22:37,834
Now, who wants to check
out my batting cages?
530
00:22:37,868 --> 00:22:41,638
With the application
submitted, so begins the first step
531
00:22:41,672 --> 00:22:44,140
to the Ferengi joining
the Federation.
532
00:22:44,174 --> 00:22:46,142
There are many more
hurdles to leap,
533
00:22:46,176 --> 00:22:49,312
but today felt
like a good start.
534
00:22:50,714 --> 00:22:53,784
Well, Mariner, was guide
duty as fun as rumored?
535
00:22:53,817 --> 00:22:55,285
Uh, I had to take
out a predatory loan
536
00:22:55,285 --> 00:22:56,519
from one of my closest friends,
537
00:22:56,519 --> 00:22:58,154
apparently I get in
fights for no reason,
538
00:22:58,188 --> 00:23:01,157
and I can feel my hangover
in my entire spine.
539
00:23:01,191 --> 00:23:02,793
Why are you getting into fights?
540
00:23:02,826 --> 00:23:04,828
Ugh. You wouldn't understand.
541
00:23:04,861 --> 00:23:06,963
Okay. How about you two?
542
00:23:06,997 --> 00:23:08,231
How was the couple's retreat?
543
00:23:08,264 --> 00:23:10,066
Oh, faking a
relationship was way,
544
00:23:10,100 --> 00:23:11,601
way out of our
comfort zone, sir.
545
00:23:11,634 --> 00:23:14,337
Yeah, we just don't have
any natural chemistry.
546
00:23:14,370 --> 00:23:17,207
- Want to help me reroute that phase conduit?
- Sure.
547
00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:18,709
Ha!
548
00:23:18,742 --> 00:23:21,111
We got to squeeze in there.
549
00:23:21,144 --> 00:23:23,079
- Hand me the spanner.
- On it.
550
00:23:23,113 --> 00:23:25,215
Now, this makes sense.
551
00:23:25,248 --> 00:23:28,084
Wait, where's Mr. Boimler?
552
00:23:29,619 --> 00:23:31,755
Mr. Boimler, did you
do too many locations?
553
00:23:31,788 --> 00:23:33,389
- Are you in need of aid?
- Uh, no.
554
00:23:33,423 --> 00:23:36,960
I watched eight hours straight
of Ferengi programming.
555
00:23:36,993 --> 00:23:39,062
I'm sorry I let you down, sir.
556
00:23:39,095 --> 00:23:41,297
- Honestly, I'm proud of you.
- Really?
557
00:23:41,331 --> 00:23:43,499
You've always had a problem
going with the flow,
558
00:23:43,533 --> 00:23:46,102
but today it looks like you
got out of your own way.
559
00:23:46,136 --> 00:23:47,503
Thank you, sir.
560
00:23:47,537 --> 00:23:48,805
I've authorized the
local authorities
561
00:23:48,805 --> 00:23:50,140
to drag you out of there.
562
00:23:50,173 --> 00:23:51,413
Just go limp, don't fight them.
563
00:23:51,441 --> 00:23:53,001
Get out of here!
564
00:23:55,812 --> 00:23:57,213
I really like that lieutenant.
565
00:23:57,247 --> 00:23:58,849
Oh! Aah!
566
00:23:58,882 --> 00:24:02,953
Oh! Oh, no. Oh, oh, no, no,
no, no, no, no!
567
00:24:07,457 --> 00:24:10,894
Captioned by Media Access
Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
568
00:25:01,144 --> 00:25:04,014
Chirp.
40282
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