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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,000 - Synced and corrected by actumaxime - - www.MY-SUBS.com - 2 00:00:06,139 --> 00:00:07,765 Happy Chris-wanza-kah Solstice 3 00:00:07,807 --> 00:00:10,143 for the winter spirits, everyone. 4 00:00:10,184 --> 00:00:14,314 You left out Boxing Day and Flobert's Canadian by marriage. 5 00:00:14,355 --> 00:00:15,815 If we weren't such tolerant people, 6 00:00:15,857 --> 00:00:18,901 I'd be taking my nog in the hall. 7 00:00:19,694 --> 00:00:21,070 Open my gifts next. 8 00:00:21,112 --> 00:00:22,780 Why aren't you opening? 9 00:00:24,198 --> 00:00:26,617 Ruth Bader Ginsburg pearls. 10 00:00:26,659 --> 00:00:29,495 And they're court worn. 11 00:00:29,537 --> 00:00:30,913 The criminal records 12 00:00:30,955 --> 00:00:34,000 of the meanest mean girls in my law school. 13 00:00:34,042 --> 00:00:37,962 Holy cow. Dave & Buster's gift cards! 14 00:00:38,004 --> 00:00:42,175 That's my favorite restaurant andmy favorite store. 15 00:00:42,216 --> 00:00:43,718 Gift giving... sorta my thing. 16 00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:46,012 I haven't given a bad one since 2013 17 00:00:46,054 --> 00:00:48,931 when I got my cousin that trip to rock star fantasy camp. 18 00:00:48,973 --> 00:00:52,060 How was I supposed to know there'd be so many STDs? 19 00:00:53,353 --> 00:00:55,813 And now for the Dan finale! 20 00:00:55,855 --> 00:00:58,524 It will have to wait because your gift still isn't here yet. 21 00:00:58,566 --> 00:01:00,193 So I guess we just go work. 22 00:01:00,234 --> 00:01:02,570 Wait, wait, whoa, whoa. I haven't given out my gifts. 23 00:01:02,612 --> 00:01:04,030 Well, I guess we didn't expect gifts from you, 24 00:01:04,072 --> 00:01:05,823 based on your core nature and everything you've done 25 00:01:05,865 --> 00:01:08,117 in your life up to this point. 26 00:01:08,159 --> 00:01:09,702 Shows you what you know. 27 00:01:09,744 --> 00:01:13,206 Scratch-off lottery tickets. You shouldn't have. 28 00:01:13,247 --> 00:01:15,166 And I suspect, almost didn't. 29 00:01:15,208 --> 00:01:17,502 And you signed the back, 30 00:01:17,543 --> 00:01:19,879 because who doesn't love an autograph? 31 00:01:19,921 --> 00:01:22,090 The signature guarantees that I get a cut of the winnings. 32 00:01:22,131 --> 00:01:24,050 You know, it's the thought that counts, 33 00:01:24,092 --> 00:01:27,261 and, well, I think I deserve more money. 34 00:01:27,303 --> 00:01:28,554 I don't buy it, Dan. 35 00:01:28,596 --> 00:01:29,764 You get caught up in the holiday spirit 36 00:01:29,806 --> 00:01:31,015 just like the rest of us. 37 00:01:31,057 --> 00:01:33,601 I suppose there is something magical 38 00:01:33,643 --> 00:01:36,562 - about this time of year. - Why are you smiling? 39 00:01:36,604 --> 00:01:39,899 I mean, it's what I wanted, but now that it's happening, yikes! 40 00:01:39,941 --> 00:01:41,651 Tonight, a lot of people's Christmases 41 00:01:41,693 --> 00:01:43,945 are gonna be ruined because of you. 42 00:01:45,238 --> 00:01:47,573 And I think that's fun. 43 00:01:47,615 --> 00:01:49,742 But to put it in more festive terms, 44 00:01:49,784 --> 00:01:51,786 'Twas the night before Christmas, 45 00:01:51,828 --> 00:01:53,913 and all through the court, 46 00:01:53,955 --> 00:01:57,250 there were sex workers and muggers, of every odd sort. 47 00:01:57,291 --> 00:02:01,045 There were pub-crawling Santas and pickpockets and drifters, 48 00:02:01,087 --> 00:02:05,758 and a pretty tough knife-fight between two angry re-gifters. 49 00:02:06,968 --> 00:02:09,971 The festive old Judge, who just loved the season, 50 00:02:10,013 --> 00:02:14,809 was crushed all night long by hard facts and cold reason. 51 00:02:14,851 --> 00:02:18,730 She wanted to be Rudolph, or maybe a cartoon St. Bernard, 52 00:02:18,771 --> 00:02:22,900 but because it's her job, she had to Grinch it real hard. 53 00:02:24,527 --> 00:02:28,781 Despite a perfect defense, off to prison they'll head. 54 00:02:28,823 --> 00:02:31,659 Merry Chris-wanker-whatever 55 00:02:31,701 --> 00:02:34,954 and all that sugary crap, she said. 56 00:02:39,334 --> 00:02:40,835 Okay. He did a whole poem. 57 00:02:40,877 --> 00:02:43,171 That guy totally likes Christmas! 58 00:02:49,177 --> 00:02:51,512 When a kid sets a series of elaborate traps 59 00:02:51,554 --> 00:02:53,181 to catch burglars, it's "Home Alone." 60 00:02:53,222 --> 00:02:57,560 When a grown man does it to a Postmate, it's a "Saw" movie. 61 00:03:00,563 --> 00:03:03,650 Enjoy jail, ya filthy animal. 62 00:03:03,691 --> 00:03:06,611 When I was a kid, I reverse Home Alone'd. 63 00:03:06,653 --> 00:03:09,322 I left my family and went to France. 64 00:03:09,364 --> 00:03:11,741 That's disappointing. The last three guys pulled off 65 00:03:11,783 --> 00:03:15,495 the old, "But Your Honor, it's Christmas." 66 00:03:15,536 --> 00:03:17,622 Sorry to ruin your poem, Dan, 67 00:03:17,664 --> 00:03:19,582 but this isn't bothering me at all. 68 00:03:19,624 --> 00:03:21,501 Your rhyme should have gone something like 69 00:03:21,542 --> 00:03:22,669 "'Twas the night before Christmas, 70 00:03:22,710 --> 00:03:26,297 and Dan was a jerk... at work." 71 00:03:27,548 --> 00:03:29,884 There's no way you came up with all that on the spot. 72 00:03:32,512 --> 00:03:34,764 The People vs. Tess Potter. 73 00:03:34,806 --> 00:03:37,183 The defendant is charged with disturbing the peace. 74 00:03:37,225 --> 00:03:39,686 She tried to lead an uprising against a mall Santa 75 00:03:39,727 --> 00:03:42,063 she accused of taking too many breaks. 76 00:03:42,897 --> 00:03:44,190 Your Honor, Miss Potter and her daughter 77 00:03:44,232 --> 00:03:45,525 were standing in line for three hours 78 00:03:45,566 --> 00:03:47,026 waiting to see Mr. Kringle. 79 00:03:47,068 --> 00:03:49,237 Oh, did I mention that her daughter has rosy cheeks 80 00:03:49,278 --> 00:03:50,947 and an adorable lisp? 81 00:03:50,989 --> 00:03:55,076 And this is her first Christmas... 82 00:03:55,118 --> 00:03:57,328 since the divorce. 83 00:03:58,579 --> 00:04:00,873 Objection. Pandewing. 84 00:04:03,459 --> 00:04:05,169 I sympathize, but I'm not sure 85 00:04:05,211 --> 00:04:07,714 that the best way to capture the holiday spirit 86 00:04:07,755 --> 00:04:12,218 is to "bust into Santa's dumb little house 87 00:04:12,260 --> 00:04:15,596 and drag his fat ass back to work." 88 00:04:15,638 --> 00:04:17,265 She did not know that Santa's little house 89 00:04:17,307 --> 00:04:19,058 was also his bathroom. 90 00:04:20,810 --> 00:04:22,270 I needed her to meet Santa 91 00:04:22,312 --> 00:04:24,564 so I could find out what she wants for Christmas. 92 00:04:24,605 --> 00:04:28,651 She thinks if she tells anyone else, it won't come true. 93 00:04:28,693 --> 00:04:31,112 Those are birthday candle rules. 94 00:04:31,154 --> 00:04:33,072 Her father told her that's how it worked, 95 00:04:33,114 --> 00:04:36,868 to screw with me before he left for Cabo with his new girlfriend 96 00:04:36,909 --> 00:04:40,788 and her parents who are my age. 97 00:04:40,830 --> 00:04:42,707 I know you're having a hard time, 98 00:04:42,749 --> 00:04:44,959 but you also traumatized a group of kids 99 00:04:45,001 --> 00:04:47,628 and the free sample guy from Orange Julius. 100 00:04:47,670 --> 00:04:49,797 - So $500 fine. - But, Your Honor... 101 00:04:49,839 --> 00:04:51,799 Here it comes! 102 00:04:53,635 --> 00:04:56,304 ... it's Christmas. 103 00:04:58,222 --> 00:05:00,016 Aren't you supposed to be watching me 104 00:05:00,058 --> 00:05:03,227 until my mom gets back from processing? 105 00:05:03,269 --> 00:05:06,314 You're good. I got to keep refreshing. 106 00:05:06,356 --> 00:05:07,982 My perfect gift streak is in jeopardy, 107 00:05:08,024 --> 00:05:09,776 because Dan's present still hasn't shown up. 108 00:05:09,817 --> 00:05:11,277 What did you get him? 109 00:05:11,319 --> 00:05:14,906 A video message from his hero, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. 110 00:05:14,947 --> 00:05:18,242 I guess that's okay. 111 00:05:19,827 --> 00:05:20,953 Gurgs? I need a favor. 112 00:05:20,995 --> 00:05:22,372 This is a witness in a case later. 113 00:05:22,413 --> 00:05:23,790 She thinks she's the Ghost of Christmas Present, 114 00:05:23,831 --> 00:05:25,291 and I got to keep an eye on her. 115 00:05:25,333 --> 00:05:30,421 Until you appreciate the true meaning of Christmas! 116 00:05:32,131 --> 00:05:33,883 Until I can get her a psych evaluation. 117 00:05:33,925 --> 00:05:35,677 - Can you watch her for me? - I'd love to, 118 00:05:35,718 --> 00:05:36,886 but I've got to watch Virginia. 119 00:05:36,928 --> 00:05:38,888 I mean, I guess we could trade. 120 00:05:38,930 --> 00:05:42,350 Kid or delusional ghost? 121 00:05:42,392 --> 00:05:44,686 Let's go, bathrobe. 122 00:05:45,853 --> 00:05:48,856 That kid's stuck here on Christmas Eve? 123 00:05:48,898 --> 00:05:51,067 Oh, I wish there was something I could do. 124 00:05:51,109 --> 00:05:53,361 You know, before you feel too bad, just know that her dad 125 00:05:53,403 --> 00:05:56,572 is definitely coming back from Cabo with cornrows. 126 00:05:56,614 --> 00:05:58,992 She can't blame you for that. 127 00:05:59,033 --> 00:06:01,577 Sorry, Dan. I wasn't listening. 128 00:06:01,619 --> 00:06:03,955 I gotta go save Christmas. 129 00:06:03,997 --> 00:06:07,041 Hey. I think you could pull off cornrows. 130 00:06:07,083 --> 00:06:09,002 Hey, you're not a good friend. 131 00:06:10,712 --> 00:06:12,171 Miss Potter. 132 00:06:12,213 --> 00:06:14,173 I think I can get your daughter's Christmas list. 133 00:06:14,215 --> 00:06:16,009 Oh, it's a Christmas miracle. 134 00:06:16,050 --> 00:06:19,470 Getting her list and waiving my fine? 135 00:06:20,930 --> 00:06:22,515 It was worth a shot. 136 00:06:22,557 --> 00:06:24,434 I'm gonna go check the lost and found for wedding rings, 137 00:06:24,475 --> 00:06:27,395 'cause apparently those things don't mean anything any more. 138 00:06:28,730 --> 00:06:31,607 - Hi, Virginia. I'm Abby. - Nice to meet you. 139 00:06:31,649 --> 00:06:35,820 Hmm. No lisp. Dan! 140 00:06:37,113 --> 00:06:39,365 I'm really sorry that you didn't get to talk to Santa, 141 00:06:39,407 --> 00:06:43,328 - but I might be the next best thing. - You're an elf? 142 00:06:45,163 --> 00:06:47,457 No, I'm... I'm not an elf. 143 00:06:47,498 --> 00:06:52,086 Then why are you tiny and look like my keychain? 144 00:06:53,463 --> 00:06:56,257 I'm a judge, and I got Santa Claus connections, 145 00:06:56,299 --> 00:06:58,926 so is there anything that you'd like me to give to him? 146 00:06:58,968 --> 00:07:01,387 - Maybe a letter? - I already gave him my letter 147 00:07:01,429 --> 00:07:04,182 - when I saw him in the cafeteria. - Oh, that's smart. 148 00:07:04,223 --> 00:07:06,392 Let's go see if he has any follow-ups. 149 00:07:06,434 --> 00:07:08,978 Here's a room full of holiday spirit. 150 00:07:11,314 --> 00:07:15,151 And that spirit appears to be mostly vodka. 151 00:07:20,323 --> 00:07:21,783 All right, Virginia. 152 00:07:21,824 --> 00:07:23,149 Which one of these Santas did you give your letter to? 153 00:07:23,159 --> 00:07:25,578 Is it that one taking a table nap, 154 00:07:25,620 --> 00:07:28,081 or that one all cozied up on the ground? 155 00:07:28,122 --> 00:07:32,210 Where did all these Santas come from? 156 00:07:32,251 --> 00:07:35,797 Well, every year, the city's drunks gather together 157 00:07:35,838 --> 00:07:38,841 for a gin-soaked freak fest known as SantaCon. 158 00:07:38,883 --> 00:07:41,636 Maybe she's too young to learn about SantaCon. 159 00:07:41,678 --> 00:07:43,012 Fair enough. 160 00:07:43,054 --> 00:07:45,056 Virginia, these are Santa's body doubles. 161 00:07:45,098 --> 00:07:49,102 - Are you familiar with Saddam Hussein? - I got an idea. 162 00:07:49,143 --> 00:07:50,603 Why don't you take Virginia somewhere else 163 00:07:50,645 --> 00:07:52,522 and I'll track down the real Santa? 164 00:07:55,775 --> 00:07:58,152 This is gonna be harder than that "Where's Waldo?" 165 00:07:58,194 --> 00:08:00,822 when he went to the candy cane factory. 166 00:08:00,863 --> 00:08:02,865 Bottom left corner! 167 00:08:04,117 --> 00:08:06,035 Behold! 168 00:08:06,077 --> 00:08:11,165 That woman texting loved ones at this joyous time of year. 169 00:08:11,207 --> 00:08:15,878 Kind of makes you want to change your miserly ways, huh?! 170 00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:17,588 You know 171 00:08:17,630 --> 00:08:21,050 don't take this the wrong way, but you're not much of a ghost. 172 00:08:21,092 --> 00:08:23,303 You're just looking around the room 173 00:08:23,344 --> 00:08:24,971 and telling me things that are happening. 174 00:08:25,013 --> 00:08:27,765 In the Christmas present, 175 00:08:27,807 --> 00:08:30,852 nudging you towards your Christmas epiphany. 176 00:08:30,893 --> 00:08:32,854 Here's my epiphany... You're only here 177 00:08:32,895 --> 00:08:34,772 because you witnessed a peeping tom 178 00:08:34,814 --> 00:08:37,025 spying on his ex-girlfriend from a fire escape. 179 00:08:37,066 --> 00:08:38,860 I would have been up there, too, 180 00:08:38,901 --> 00:08:40,862 but I dropped my turkey leg. 181 00:08:40,903 --> 00:08:44,907 Oh, behold! Another person on their phone! 182 00:08:46,743 --> 00:08:50,038 - I need some water. - I'll go with you. 183 00:08:50,079 --> 00:08:52,874 I have to wash my turkey leg. 184 00:08:52,915 --> 00:08:57,170 Why would you care about germs if you're a ghost?! 185 00:09:00,131 --> 00:09:02,925 Your website said my Kareem video would be here by now. 186 00:09:02,967 --> 00:09:06,804 What could be possibly be the hold... up? 187 00:09:08,931 --> 00:09:13,269 Ooh, uh, let me call you back. Mr. Abdul-Jabbar. 188 00:09:13,311 --> 00:09:16,230 - You're not a video. - You're Gurgs, right? 189 00:09:16,272 --> 00:09:19,901 I was so moved by what you wrote about your friend, 190 00:09:19,942 --> 00:09:24,614 I decided to give this "angel on earth" 191 00:09:24,656 --> 00:09:28,159 the best present ever... me. 192 00:09:28,993 --> 00:09:33,790 Wow. Now your gift is going to be way better! 193 00:09:35,625 --> 00:09:37,669 Kareem, would you be a lamb 194 00:09:37,710 --> 00:09:39,837 and straighten that ceiling tinsel? 195 00:09:40,755 --> 00:09:42,215 On it. 196 00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:46,469 Virginia, we are capital-F Fudged. 197 00:09:46,511 --> 00:09:48,471 - Dan's gonna hate this. - Why? 198 00:09:48,513 --> 00:09:50,139 You said he loves Kareem. 199 00:09:50,181 --> 00:09:52,433 Yeah, on a tiny screen, not in person. 200 00:09:52,475 --> 00:09:55,436 Dan hates people. 201 00:09:55,478 --> 00:09:57,814 That's why my video was perfect. 202 00:09:57,855 --> 00:09:59,732 Dan would get to hold a living legend 203 00:09:59,774 --> 00:10:02,026 in the palm of his hand, mute and unmute 204 00:10:02,068 --> 00:10:05,405 this titan at will, like a God. 205 00:10:05,446 --> 00:10:07,115 That's how Dan gets his kicks. 206 00:10:07,156 --> 00:10:10,535 Not by meeting somebody richer and taller than him! 207 00:10:11,577 --> 00:10:13,621 So, the deal is I help you pat down a roomful 208 00:10:13,663 --> 00:10:17,125 of over-served Santas looking for some kid's Christmas list. 209 00:10:17,166 --> 00:10:20,920 And to sweeten the deal, I get nothing in return? 210 00:10:20,962 --> 00:10:23,548 Well, you could get this ticket back. 211 00:10:23,589 --> 00:10:25,967 Ooh! I've got a bag full of tickets. 212 00:10:26,009 --> 00:10:29,095 Lenny, can we have the hall? 213 00:10:29,137 --> 00:10:31,764 You're right. You do have a lot of tickets. 214 00:10:31,806 --> 00:10:33,975 Do any of them have... 215 00:10:34,017 --> 00:10:37,353 Double plums! 216 00:10:37,395 --> 00:10:38,980 Yeah, that's right. 217 00:10:39,022 --> 00:10:42,108 Looks like we're on our way to a real nice ticket here. 218 00:10:42,150 --> 00:10:45,194 Be a damn shame if something were to happen to it. 219 00:10:45,236 --> 00:10:46,654 Wh... 220 00:10:46,696 --> 00:10:48,656 Abracadabra Stone, you look at me. 221 00:10:48,698 --> 00:10:51,951 Double plums... that's one plum away from $1 million. 222 00:10:51,993 --> 00:10:54,287 Could be ours, Abby... yours and mine. 223 00:10:54,329 --> 00:10:56,372 Help me save this little girl's Christmas, 224 00:10:56,414 --> 00:10:57,540 and the ticket's yours. 225 00:10:57,582 --> 00:10:59,500 Refuse, and I roast your plums. 226 00:10:59,542 --> 00:11:01,085 Oh. 227 00:11:01,127 --> 00:11:03,755 Do I look like someone who loves money more than Christmas? 228 00:11:03,796 --> 00:11:07,383 No. It disgusts me. 229 00:11:14,140 --> 00:11:16,476 All right. Did a letter girl give you a letter tonight? 230 00:11:16,517 --> 00:11:19,395 This is the worst date I've ever been on. 231 00:11:19,437 --> 00:11:21,731 Your dad seems cool. 232 00:11:25,526 --> 00:11:27,153 I think most of this is drugs. 233 00:11:27,195 --> 00:11:31,074 If it is, the elves put 'em in there without my knowledge. 234 00:11:32,825 --> 00:11:36,954 Yes, I am a man of size. Yes, I have a lush beard. 235 00:11:36,996 --> 00:11:39,040 Must I therefore be accosted 236 00:11:39,082 --> 00:11:43,336 every time I wear my favorite athleisure suit? 237 00:11:44,545 --> 00:11:45,797 At least you get cookies. 238 00:11:45,838 --> 00:11:49,008 What I want is some damn respect! 239 00:11:50,510 --> 00:11:54,973 If you wanna talk to Santa, you know what you have to do. 240 00:12:01,938 --> 00:12:06,150 - Do you have the letter or not? - I do not. 241 00:12:08,653 --> 00:12:13,116 Hey, hey, hey. This is stupid. 242 00:12:13,157 --> 00:12:14,701 We're not gonna get anywhere like this. 243 00:12:14,742 --> 00:12:16,494 There are like 30 Santas left in here. 244 00:12:16,536 --> 00:12:18,579 We could skip the ones with the face tattoos. 245 00:12:18,621 --> 00:12:21,207 Oh, fine. There are 26 Santas left in here. 246 00:12:21,249 --> 00:12:22,917 - Naughty! - Ow! What the hell was... 247 00:12:22,959 --> 00:12:25,003 Naughty. Naughty. 248 00:12:25,044 --> 00:12:26,379 - Nice. - Hey! 249 00:12:26,421 --> 00:12:29,966 Naughty. Virginia had one of these elf keychains. 250 00:12:30,008 --> 00:12:31,384 He must be her Santa. 251 00:12:31,426 --> 00:12:32,719 Yeah, his keychain looks just like... 252 00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:34,429 I'm not an elf! 253 00:12:36,222 --> 00:12:38,057 ♪ I won't talk until I get some ♪ 254 00:12:38,099 --> 00:12:40,143 ♪ I won't talk until I get some ♪ 255 00:12:40,184 --> 00:12:42,562 ♪ No, I won't talk until I get some ♪ 256 00:12:42,603 --> 00:12:45,732 ♪ So give me more beer ♪ 257 00:12:45,773 --> 00:12:47,233 Just answer the question. 258 00:12:47,275 --> 00:12:49,068 Did you get a letter from a little girl? 259 00:12:49,110 --> 00:12:51,070 Yeah, I got a letter. But why would it help you? 260 00:12:51,112 --> 00:12:52,739 You're the lady who found me guilty. 261 00:12:52,780 --> 00:12:55,450 - I want my lawyer. - I am your lawyer. 262 00:12:56,617 --> 00:12:59,412 - What if we gave you this? - Holy crap. Two plums. 263 00:12:59,454 --> 00:13:01,331 Hey, those are my plums. 264 00:13:01,372 --> 00:13:04,042 All right, fine. The ticket for the letter. 265 00:13:04,083 --> 00:13:05,918 Here, take it. 266 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:07,211 You know what? It really doesn't matter. 267 00:13:07,253 --> 00:13:08,588 If it's a winner, I still get half. 268 00:13:08,629 --> 00:13:10,506 It's a perfect system. 269 00:13:10,548 --> 00:13:12,800 Wait. This isn't a letter from a little girl. 270 00:13:12,842 --> 00:13:17,555 It's a cease and desist from a strip club called "Litty Girls." 271 00:13:17,597 --> 00:13:19,932 Ah! Elf shoe?! 272 00:13:19,974 --> 00:13:22,060 Thanks for nothing! 273 00:13:22,101 --> 00:13:24,896 - Naughty. Naughty. - Hey, hey, hey! 274 00:13:24,937 --> 00:13:27,273 I hope you get stuck in a chimney! 275 00:13:28,107 --> 00:13:29,776 All right, well, so much for that. 276 00:13:29,817 --> 00:13:30,943 - Dan? - Huh? 277 00:13:30,985 --> 00:13:32,320 I think I figured out a way 278 00:13:32,362 --> 00:13:33,988 that we can get Virginia's Christmas list. 279 00:13:34,030 --> 00:13:35,573 Oh, great. You know what? I'd love to help you, 280 00:13:35,615 --> 00:13:36,783 but it is Christmas Eve, 281 00:13:36,824 --> 00:13:38,618 and I have a date with my empty apartment. 282 00:13:39,911 --> 00:13:42,413 I'm running out of places to hide Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. 283 00:13:42,455 --> 00:13:44,874 He's not gonna leave until he meets Dan Fielding, 284 00:13:44,916 --> 00:13:47,585 so I need you to be Dan Fielding. 285 00:13:47,627 --> 00:13:49,462 No problem. I know Dan. 286 00:13:49,504 --> 00:13:52,632 Every mannerism, every facial tick. 287 00:13:52,674 --> 00:13:55,510 I will become Dan Fielding. 288 00:13:57,387 --> 00:14:01,599 Dan wasn't in there. I asked everyone. 289 00:14:01,641 --> 00:14:05,520 Um, Mr. Abdul-Jabbar, there's someone I'd like you to meet. 290 00:14:06,813 --> 00:14:10,024 Hey. I'm Murray Flobert. 291 00:14:11,234 --> 00:14:15,154 Do you think it's too late for me to learn basketball? 292 00:14:15,196 --> 00:14:17,615 Wait. I wasn't supposed to say my name. 293 00:14:17,657 --> 00:14:20,535 Oh, well. Good luck with your play, Gurgs. 294 00:14:21,828 --> 00:14:23,955 You're making me rethink everything. 295 00:14:23,997 --> 00:14:25,665 Maybe I do rely too much on 296 00:14:25,707 --> 00:14:28,668 the Ghosts of Christmas Past and Future. 297 00:14:28,710 --> 00:14:31,462 Am I the worst one?! 298 00:14:33,214 --> 00:14:35,383 Sorry I don't travel back in time. 299 00:14:35,425 --> 00:14:40,471 Sorry I can't throw an old man in his own grave! 300 00:14:40,513 --> 00:14:41,848 Excuse me. 301 00:14:41,889 --> 00:14:44,434 I'm just gonna escape for a second. 302 00:14:46,352 --> 00:14:48,771 How's your night going, Gurgs? Oh, mine? 303 00:14:48,813 --> 00:14:52,025 Oh, I've thrown a ghost into an existential crisis 304 00:14:52,066 --> 00:14:54,319 by pointing out that she is not magic. 305 00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:56,654 Hey, I know what that's like. 306 00:14:57,905 --> 00:15:00,325 Sometimes it felt like it didn't matter what I did 307 00:15:00,366 --> 00:15:03,995 on the court, everybody loved Magic. 308 00:15:05,496 --> 00:15:09,500 I guess we have a lot in common, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. 309 00:15:13,838 --> 00:15:18,176 Jingle bell, jingle bell... squid. 310 00:15:19,594 --> 00:15:21,929 Who chooses these images? 311 00:15:21,971 --> 00:15:24,599 Hey, Dan, check me out. 312 00:15:26,267 --> 00:15:28,895 This is how I'm gonna get Virginia's Christmas list. 313 00:15:28,936 --> 00:15:31,105 Hi, someone call for a psych consult? 314 00:15:31,147 --> 00:15:32,690 The consult is no longer necessary. 315 00:15:32,732 --> 00:15:34,067 You can just take her away. 316 00:15:39,989 --> 00:15:42,033 So, how is this cry for help 317 00:15:42,075 --> 00:15:44,327 going to get you the girl's Christmas list? 318 00:15:44,369 --> 00:15:46,788 Virginia already thinks I'm an elf, so... 319 00:15:46,829 --> 00:15:49,791 Because you love cookies and use a tiny hammer 320 00:15:49,832 --> 00:15:51,793 and work on a bench? 321 00:15:51,834 --> 00:15:55,380 Yeah, I guess I do have a lot of elf qualities. 322 00:15:55,421 --> 00:15:57,006 Not to mention your height. 323 00:15:57,048 --> 00:15:59,008 My height is completely average. 324 00:15:59,050 --> 00:16:02,428 I can show you studies... from the 1800s. 325 00:16:03,638 --> 00:16:06,683 Look, I know it's a long shot, but with a little bit of luck 326 00:16:06,724 --> 00:16:10,353 - and a little bit of magic... - Ho, ho, ho! 327 00:16:10,395 --> 00:16:11,729 What are you doing? 328 00:16:11,771 --> 00:16:14,482 Uh, I was just... Dan, Dan, do that again. 329 00:16:14,524 --> 00:16:18,194 Do what again? Ho, ho, ho! 330 00:16:18,236 --> 00:16:20,822 You're right. I... I don't need to be an elf 331 00:16:20,863 --> 00:16:23,700 to get her list because you're Santa. 332 00:16:23,741 --> 00:16:24,951 Virginia was with you 333 00:16:24,993 --> 00:16:26,703 when you met with her mom in the cafeteria. 334 00:16:26,744 --> 00:16:28,871 You don't think I'd remember a small child giving me a letter? 335 00:16:28,913 --> 00:16:32,083 Not if the kid was nervous to give it to the big man himself, 336 00:16:32,125 --> 00:16:34,919 - so she put it in his sack. - Sack? 337 00:16:34,961 --> 00:16:37,046 That is Corinthian leather. 338 00:16:39,340 --> 00:16:42,844 Virginia's letter. Dan Fielding, you saved Christmas. 339 00:16:42,885 --> 00:16:44,220 In your fa... 340 00:16:44,221 --> 00:16:45,555 ♪ La, la, la, la ♪ 341 00:16:45,596 --> 00:16:48,182 ♪ Virginia's here ♪ 342 00:16:48,224 --> 00:16:49,851 You are an elf! 343 00:16:49,892 --> 00:16:52,520 How else would you be best friends with Santa?! 344 00:16:52,562 --> 00:16:55,857 Oh, you think Santa and the elves are friends? 345 00:16:55,898 --> 00:16:58,735 Santa, we have a special guest. 346 00:16:58,776 --> 00:17:00,862 We wouldn't want to spoil anything for her 347 00:17:00,903 --> 00:17:05,825 on the most magical night of the year. 348 00:17:05,867 --> 00:17:08,328 Ho, ho, ho. 349 00:17:09,537 --> 00:17:14,917 Yes, I was just telling my little elf friend here, Naggy, 350 00:17:14,959 --> 00:17:17,962 what a good girl you've been. 351 00:17:18,004 --> 00:17:19,756 Naggy, why don't you show us 352 00:17:19,797 --> 00:17:23,301 that elf dance you're so famous for? 353 00:17:24,302 --> 00:17:27,805 Well, I would love to, but I can't dance without music. 354 00:17:27,847 --> 00:17:31,559 So, Santa, why don't you sing us your favorite Christmas song? 355 00:17:31,601 --> 00:17:33,436 A ho, ho. 356 00:17:33,478 --> 00:17:35,897 Well, it's gonna sound a lot like 357 00:17:35,938 --> 00:17:38,441 the song "Tequila" by The Champs. 358 00:17:38,483 --> 00:17:41,611 5, 6, 7, 8. 359 00:17:41,653 --> 00:17:43,905 ♪ Bum-ba-da-da-da-bum-bum ♪ 360 00:17:43,946 --> 00:17:45,615 ♪ Ba-dum-ba-da-da-da-bum ♪ 361 00:17:45,657 --> 00:17:47,784 ♪ Ba-da-da-da-dow ♪ 362 00:17:47,825 --> 00:17:49,639 ♪ Ba-da-da-da-d... ♪ 363 00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:50,640 Ow! 364 00:17:50,778 --> 00:17:52,288 ♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪ 365 00:17:52,330 --> 00:17:55,208 - ♪ Christmas! ♪ - ♪ Christmas! ♪ 366 00:17:55,249 --> 00:17:58,503 Mom, this is the best Christmas ever! 367 00:17:58,544 --> 00:18:03,007 I met Santa and a 19-time NBA All-Star! 368 00:18:04,175 --> 00:18:07,804 And your dad's new girlfriend got flipped on a Jet Ski! 369 00:18:07,845 --> 00:18:10,848 Merry Christmas, everyone! 370 00:18:13,643 --> 00:18:14,894 Did you find my ghost? 371 00:18:14,936 --> 00:18:18,314 - No, did you find my Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? - No. 372 00:18:18,356 --> 00:18:20,149 Uh, excuse me, Miss Moore? 373 00:18:20,191 --> 00:18:22,568 I'm here to evaluate the witness you have in custody. 374 00:18:22,610 --> 00:18:25,571 Oh, this is gonna be so much paperwork. 375 00:18:26,906 --> 00:18:28,741 I should have just watched the kid. 376 00:18:28,783 --> 00:18:32,829 - Kids aren't so bad. - Epiphany! 377 00:18:32,870 --> 00:18:34,372 What are you doing back there? 378 00:18:34,414 --> 00:18:39,002 I dropped my turkey leg, and I repeat, epiphany. 379 00:18:40,378 --> 00:18:42,755 Oh, yes, Spirit. 380 00:18:42,797 --> 00:18:45,383 You... You have changed my ways. 381 00:18:45,425 --> 00:18:50,179 And I did it all by myself! Screw you, other ghosts. 382 00:18:51,055 --> 00:18:53,266 Come on, Doc. I'm on a roll. 383 00:18:53,308 --> 00:18:55,852 Get ready to hear about some stuff that is happening. 384 00:18:55,893 --> 00:18:57,520 Ha! 385 00:18:57,562 --> 00:19:00,690 Sorry. I was teaching Flobert how to dribble. 386 00:19:00,732 --> 00:19:05,320 Uh, Kareem, you are the most interesting person alive, 387 00:19:05,361 --> 00:19:06,904 and you deserve to know the truth. 388 00:19:06,946 --> 00:19:10,158 I'm never going to meet Dan Fielding. 389 00:19:10,199 --> 00:19:11,909 I know that. How do you know that? 390 00:19:11,951 --> 00:19:15,830 No, I mean I refuse to meet that man. 391 00:19:16,748 --> 00:19:19,625 I heard he only gives gifts that make him money. 392 00:19:19,667 --> 00:19:24,047 And his daughter stole the shoe-shine guy's elf costume. 393 00:19:27,425 --> 00:19:28,593 Kareem, this isn't about Dan. 394 00:19:28,635 --> 00:19:30,720 It's about my perfect gift streak. 395 00:19:30,762 --> 00:19:32,347 So, you're all selfish. 396 00:19:32,388 --> 00:19:35,266 You know, the more you pass the ball, the more you score. 397 00:19:35,308 --> 00:19:37,018 - Is that true? - Oh, God, no, 398 00:19:37,060 --> 00:19:39,646 but everyone else around here is lying. 399 00:19:40,813 --> 00:19:43,608 - ♪ Silent night ♪ - Court. 400 00:19:43,650 --> 00:19:46,819 - ♪ Holy night ♪ - Court. 401 00:19:46,861 --> 00:19:51,741 ♪ All is calm, all is bright ♪ 402 00:19:51,783 --> 00:19:53,576 ♪ Court ♪ 403 00:19:53,618 --> 00:19:56,537 Okay, okay. You can clearly sing. 404 00:19:56,579 --> 00:19:58,581 What you can't do is be naked in the park 405 00:19:58,623 --> 00:20:00,083 unless you're a horse. 406 00:20:01,501 --> 00:20:02,585 Take them away. 407 00:20:04,837 --> 00:20:10,051 If you ask me, some of those horses should be wearing pants. 408 00:20:10,093 --> 00:20:11,678 - Dan? - Hmm? 409 00:20:11,719 --> 00:20:13,888 I know you're still waiting for my incredible gift. 410 00:20:13,930 --> 00:20:17,767 But I just have to tell you... I got you nothing. 411 00:20:17,809 --> 00:20:21,062 Nothing? Nothing at all? 412 00:20:21,104 --> 00:20:23,856 Oh, G... 413 00:20:23,898 --> 00:20:26,109 Sorry. 414 00:20:26,150 --> 00:20:28,611 I was getting a little choked up. 415 00:20:28,653 --> 00:20:32,657 Because for you, the perfect gift is nothing. 416 00:20:32,699 --> 00:20:34,742 Oh! Now you don't have to thank anybody 417 00:20:34,784 --> 00:20:36,911 or owe anybody or any of that stuff you hate. 418 00:20:36,953 --> 00:20:42,000 - I feel seen. - Streak's still alive. 419 00:20:43,001 --> 00:20:45,420 Counsel. Please approach the bench. 420 00:20:49,507 --> 00:20:50,925 You big softy. 421 00:20:50,967 --> 00:20:53,428 I saw you having cookies in the cafeteria with Virginia. 422 00:20:53,469 --> 00:20:58,016 Oh, yeah, well, it was delightful. She paid. 423 00:20:58,057 --> 00:20:59,475 Did you get the list to her mother? 424 00:20:59,517 --> 00:21:01,477 I did. She wants princess sheets 425 00:21:01,519 --> 00:21:03,021 and her mom and dad to get back together. 426 00:21:03,062 --> 00:21:06,774 - Hmm. - So I think she's getting sheets. 427 00:21:06,816 --> 00:21:08,067 Last case of the night... 428 00:21:08,109 --> 00:21:10,737 the People vs. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. 429 00:21:10,778 --> 00:21:14,282 Your Honor, Mr. Abdul-Jabbar and his accomplice 430 00:21:14,324 --> 00:21:17,368 were caught lurking on Patrick Ewing's fire escape. 431 00:21:17,410 --> 00:21:21,122 Let me do the talking, Kareem. 432 00:21:21,873 --> 00:21:25,501 How's it going? Big fan. 433 00:21:28,913 --> 00:21:33,913 - Synced and corrected by actumaxime - - www.MY-SUBS.com - 33338

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