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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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- Synced and corrected by actumaxime -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -
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Happy Chris-wanza-kah Solstice
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for the winter spirits, everyone.
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00:00:10,184 --> 00:00:14,314
You left out Boxing Day and
Flobert's Canadian by marriage.
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If we weren't such tolerant people,
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I'd be taking my nog in the hall.
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Open my gifts next.
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Why aren't you opening?
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Ruth Bader Ginsburg pearls.
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And they're court worn.
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00:00:29,537 --> 00:00:30,913
The criminal records
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of the meanest mean girls
in my law school.
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00:00:34,042 --> 00:00:37,962
Holy cow. Dave & Buster's gift cards!
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That's my favorite restaurant
andmy favorite store.
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00:00:42,216 --> 00:00:43,718
Gift giving... sorta my thing.
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I haven't given a bad one since 2013
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00:00:46,054 --> 00:00:48,931
when I got my cousin that trip
to rock star fantasy camp.
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00:00:48,973 --> 00:00:52,060
How was I supposed to know
there'd be so many STDs?
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00:00:53,353 --> 00:00:55,813
And now for the Dan finale!
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It will have to wait because
your gift still isn't here yet.
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00:00:58,566 --> 00:01:00,193
So I guess we just go work.
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00:01:00,234 --> 00:01:02,570
Wait, wait, whoa, whoa.
I haven't given out my gifts.
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00:01:02,612 --> 00:01:04,030
Well, I guess we didn't
expect gifts from you,
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00:01:04,072 --> 00:01:05,823
based on your core nature
and everything you've done
25
00:01:05,865 --> 00:01:08,117
in your life up to this point.
26
00:01:08,159 --> 00:01:09,702
Shows you what you know.
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Scratch-off lottery tickets.
You shouldn't have.
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00:01:13,247 --> 00:01:15,166
And I suspect, almost didn't.
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00:01:15,208 --> 00:01:17,502
And you signed the back,
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because who doesn't love an autograph?
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The signature guarantees that
I get a cut of the winnings.
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You know, it's the thought that counts,
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00:01:24,092 --> 00:01:27,261
and, well, I think I deserve more money.
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00:01:27,303 --> 00:01:28,554
I don't buy it, Dan.
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You get caught up in the holiday spirit
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just like the rest of us.
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00:01:31,057 --> 00:01:33,601
I suppose there is something magical
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- about this time of year.
- Why are you smiling?
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00:01:36,604 --> 00:01:39,899
I mean, it's what I wanted, but
now that it's happening, yikes!
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00:01:39,941 --> 00:01:41,651
Tonight, a lot of people's Christmases
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00:01:41,693 --> 00:01:43,945
are gonna be ruined because of you.
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00:01:45,238 --> 00:01:47,573
And I think that's fun.
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But to put it in more festive terms,
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'Twas the night before Christmas,
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00:01:51,828 --> 00:01:53,913
and all through the court,
46
00:01:53,955 --> 00:01:57,250
there were sex workers
and muggers, of every odd sort.
47
00:01:57,291 --> 00:02:01,045
There were pub-crawling Santas
and pickpockets and drifters,
48
00:02:01,087 --> 00:02:05,758
and a pretty tough knife-fight
between two angry re-gifters.
49
00:02:06,968 --> 00:02:09,971
The festive old Judge,
who just loved the season,
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00:02:10,013 --> 00:02:14,809
was crushed all night long
by hard facts and cold reason.
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00:02:14,851 --> 00:02:18,730
She wanted to be Rudolph,
or maybe a cartoon St. Bernard,
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00:02:18,771 --> 00:02:22,900
but because it's her job,
she had to Grinch it real hard.
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Despite a perfect defense,
off to prison they'll head.
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00:02:28,823 --> 00:02:31,659
Merry Chris-wanker-whatever
55
00:02:31,701 --> 00:02:34,954
and all that sugary crap, she said.
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00:02:39,334 --> 00:02:40,835
Okay. He did a whole poem.
57
00:02:40,877 --> 00:02:43,171
That guy totally likes Christmas!
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00:02:49,177 --> 00:02:51,512
When a kid sets a series
of elaborate traps
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00:02:51,554 --> 00:02:53,181
to catch burglars, it's "Home Alone."
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00:02:53,222 --> 00:02:57,560
When a grown man does it to
a Postmate, it's a "Saw" movie.
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Enjoy jail, ya filthy animal.
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00:03:03,691 --> 00:03:06,611
When I was a kid,
I reverse Home Alone'd.
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I left my family and went to France.
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00:03:09,364 --> 00:03:11,741
That's disappointing.
The last three guys pulled off
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00:03:11,783 --> 00:03:15,495
the old, "But Your Honor,
it's Christmas."
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00:03:15,536 --> 00:03:17,622
Sorry to ruin your poem, Dan,
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00:03:17,664 --> 00:03:19,582
but this isn't bothering me at all.
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00:03:19,624 --> 00:03:21,501
Your rhyme should have
gone something like
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"'Twas the night before Christmas,
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00:03:22,710 --> 00:03:26,297
and Dan was a jerk... at work."
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00:03:27,548 --> 00:03:29,884
There's no way you came up
with all that on the spot.
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00:03:32,512 --> 00:03:34,764
The People vs. Tess Potter.
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00:03:34,806 --> 00:03:37,183
The defendant is charged
with disturbing the peace.
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She tried to lead an uprising
against a mall Santa
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she accused of taking too many breaks.
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Your Honor, Miss Potter and her daughter
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were standing in line for three hours
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00:03:45,566 --> 00:03:47,026
waiting to see Mr. Kringle.
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00:03:47,068 --> 00:03:49,237
Oh, did I mention that
her daughter has rosy cheeks
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00:03:49,278 --> 00:03:50,947
and an adorable lisp?
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00:03:50,989 --> 00:03:55,076
And this is her first Christmas...
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since the divorce.
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00:03:58,579 --> 00:04:00,873
Objection. Pandewing.
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00:04:03,459 --> 00:04:05,169
I sympathize, but I'm not sure
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00:04:05,211 --> 00:04:07,714
that the best way to capture
the holiday spirit
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00:04:07,755 --> 00:04:12,218
is to "bust into Santa's
dumb little house
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00:04:12,260 --> 00:04:15,596
and drag his fat ass back to work."
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00:04:15,638 --> 00:04:17,265
She did not know
that Santa's little house
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00:04:17,307 --> 00:04:19,058
was also his bathroom.
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00:04:20,810 --> 00:04:22,270
I needed her to meet Santa
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00:04:22,312 --> 00:04:24,564
so I could find out
what she wants for Christmas.
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00:04:24,605 --> 00:04:28,651
She thinks if she tells
anyone else, it won't come true.
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00:04:28,693 --> 00:04:31,112
Those are birthday candle rules.
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00:04:31,154 --> 00:04:33,072
Her father told her
that's how it worked,
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00:04:33,114 --> 00:04:36,868
to screw with me before he left
for Cabo with his new girlfriend
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00:04:36,909 --> 00:04:40,788
and her parents who are my age.
97
00:04:40,830 --> 00:04:42,707
I know you're having a hard time,
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00:04:42,749 --> 00:04:44,959
but you also traumatized a group of kids
99
00:04:45,001 --> 00:04:47,628
and the free sample guy
from Orange Julius.
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00:04:47,670 --> 00:04:49,797
- So $500 fine.
- But, Your Honor...
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00:04:49,839 --> 00:04:51,799
Here it comes!
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... it's Christmas.
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00:04:58,222 --> 00:05:00,016
Aren't you supposed to be watching me
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00:05:00,058 --> 00:05:03,227
until my mom gets back from processing?
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00:05:03,269 --> 00:05:06,314
You're good. I got to keep refreshing.
106
00:05:06,356 --> 00:05:07,982
My perfect gift streak is in jeopardy,
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00:05:08,024 --> 00:05:09,776
because Dan's present
still hasn't shown up.
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00:05:09,817 --> 00:05:11,277
What did you get him?
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A video message from his hero,
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
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00:05:14,947 --> 00:05:18,242
I guess that's okay.
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00:05:19,827 --> 00:05:20,953
Gurgs? I need a favor.
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00:05:20,995 --> 00:05:22,372
This is a witness in a case later.
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00:05:22,413 --> 00:05:23,790
She thinks she's
the Ghost of Christmas Present,
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00:05:23,831 --> 00:05:25,291
and I got to keep an eye on her.
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00:05:25,333 --> 00:05:30,421
Until you appreciate the true
meaning of Christmas!
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00:05:32,131 --> 00:05:33,883
Until I can get her a psych evaluation.
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00:05:33,925 --> 00:05:35,677
- Can you watch her for me?
- I'd love to,
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00:05:35,718 --> 00:05:36,886
but I've got to watch Virginia.
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00:05:36,928 --> 00:05:38,888
I mean, I guess we could trade.
120
00:05:38,930 --> 00:05:42,350
Kid or delusional ghost?
121
00:05:42,392 --> 00:05:44,686
Let's go, bathrobe.
122
00:05:45,853 --> 00:05:48,856
That kid's stuck here on Christmas Eve?
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00:05:48,898 --> 00:05:51,067
Oh, I wish there was something
I could do.
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00:05:51,109 --> 00:05:53,361
You know, before you feel too
bad, just know that her dad
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00:05:53,403 --> 00:05:56,572
is definitely coming back
from Cabo with cornrows.
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00:05:56,614 --> 00:05:58,992
She can't blame you for that.
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00:05:59,033 --> 00:06:01,577
Sorry, Dan. I wasn't listening.
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00:06:01,619 --> 00:06:03,955
I gotta go save Christmas.
129
00:06:03,997 --> 00:06:07,041
Hey. I think you could
pull off cornrows.
130
00:06:07,083 --> 00:06:09,002
Hey, you're not a good friend.
131
00:06:10,712 --> 00:06:12,171
Miss Potter.
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00:06:12,213 --> 00:06:14,173
I think I can get your
daughter's Christmas list.
133
00:06:14,215 --> 00:06:16,009
Oh, it's a Christmas miracle.
134
00:06:16,050 --> 00:06:19,470
Getting her list and waiving my fine?
135
00:06:20,930 --> 00:06:22,515
It was worth a shot.
136
00:06:22,557 --> 00:06:24,434
I'm gonna go check the lost
and found for wedding rings,
137
00:06:24,475 --> 00:06:27,395
'cause apparently those things
don't mean anything any more.
138
00:06:28,730 --> 00:06:31,607
- Hi, Virginia. I'm Abby.
- Nice to meet you.
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00:06:31,649 --> 00:06:35,820
Hmm. No lisp. Dan!
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00:06:37,113 --> 00:06:39,365
I'm really sorry that you
didn't get to talk to Santa,
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00:06:39,407 --> 00:06:43,328
- but I might be the next best thing.
- You're an elf?
142
00:06:45,163 --> 00:06:47,457
No, I'm... I'm not an elf.
143
00:06:47,498 --> 00:06:52,086
Then why are you tiny
and look like my keychain?
144
00:06:53,463 --> 00:06:56,257
I'm a judge, and I got
Santa Claus connections,
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00:06:56,299 --> 00:06:58,926
so is there anything that
you'd like me to give to him?
146
00:06:58,968 --> 00:07:01,387
- Maybe a letter?
- I already gave him my letter
147
00:07:01,429 --> 00:07:04,182
- when I saw him in the cafeteria.
- Oh, that's smart.
148
00:07:04,223 --> 00:07:06,392
Let's go see if he has any follow-ups.
149
00:07:06,434 --> 00:07:08,978
Here's a room full of holiday spirit.
150
00:07:11,314 --> 00:07:15,151
And that spirit appears
to be mostly vodka.
151
00:07:20,323 --> 00:07:21,783
All right, Virginia.
152
00:07:21,824 --> 00:07:23,149
Which one of these Santas
did you give your letter to?
153
00:07:23,159 --> 00:07:25,578
Is it that one taking a table nap,
154
00:07:25,620 --> 00:07:28,081
or that one all cozied up on the ground?
155
00:07:28,122 --> 00:07:32,210
Where did all these Santas come from?
156
00:07:32,251 --> 00:07:35,797
Well, every year, the city's
drunks gather together
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00:07:35,838 --> 00:07:38,841
for a gin-soaked freak fest
known as SantaCon.
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00:07:38,883 --> 00:07:41,636
Maybe she's too young
to learn about SantaCon.
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00:07:41,678 --> 00:07:43,012
Fair enough.
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00:07:43,054 --> 00:07:45,056
Virginia, these are
Santa's body doubles.
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00:07:45,098 --> 00:07:49,102
- Are you familiar with Saddam Hussein?
- I got an idea.
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00:07:49,143 --> 00:07:50,603
Why don't you take Virginia
somewhere else
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00:07:50,645 --> 00:07:52,522
and I'll track down the real Santa?
164
00:07:55,775 --> 00:07:58,152
This is gonna be harder
than that "Where's Waldo?"
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00:07:58,194 --> 00:08:00,822
when he went to the candy cane factory.
166
00:08:00,863 --> 00:08:02,865
Bottom left corner!
167
00:08:04,117 --> 00:08:06,035
Behold!
168
00:08:06,077 --> 00:08:11,165
That woman texting loved ones
at this joyous time of year.
169
00:08:11,207 --> 00:08:15,878
Kind of makes you want to
change your miserly ways, huh?!
170
00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:17,588
You know
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00:08:17,630 --> 00:08:21,050
don't take this the wrong way,
but you're not much of a ghost.
172
00:08:21,092 --> 00:08:23,303
You're just looking around the room
173
00:08:23,344 --> 00:08:24,971
and telling me things
that are happening.
174
00:08:25,013 --> 00:08:27,765
In the Christmas present,
175
00:08:27,807 --> 00:08:30,852
nudging you towards
your Christmas epiphany.
176
00:08:30,893 --> 00:08:32,854
Here's my epiphany... You're only here
177
00:08:32,895 --> 00:08:34,772
because you witnessed a peeping tom
178
00:08:34,814 --> 00:08:37,025
spying on his ex-girlfriend
from a fire escape.
179
00:08:37,066 --> 00:08:38,860
I would have been up there, too,
180
00:08:38,901 --> 00:08:40,862
but I dropped my turkey leg.
181
00:08:40,903 --> 00:08:44,907
Oh, behold!
Another person on their phone!
182
00:08:46,743 --> 00:08:50,038
- I need some water.
- I'll go with you.
183
00:08:50,079 --> 00:08:52,874
I have to wash my turkey leg.
184
00:08:52,915 --> 00:08:57,170
Why would you care about germs
if you're a ghost?!
185
00:09:00,131 --> 00:09:02,925
Your website said my Kareem
video would be here by now.
186
00:09:02,967 --> 00:09:06,804
What could be possibly
be the hold... up?
187
00:09:08,931 --> 00:09:13,269
Ooh, uh, let me call you back.
Mr. Abdul-Jabbar.
188
00:09:13,311 --> 00:09:16,230
- You're not a video.
- You're Gurgs, right?
189
00:09:16,272 --> 00:09:19,901
I was so moved by what you wrote
about your friend,
190
00:09:19,942 --> 00:09:24,614
I decided to give this "angel on earth"
191
00:09:24,656 --> 00:09:28,159
the best present ever... me.
192
00:09:28,993 --> 00:09:33,790
Wow. Now your gift
is going to be way better!
193
00:09:35,625 --> 00:09:37,669
Kareem, would you be a lamb
194
00:09:37,710 --> 00:09:39,837
and straighten that ceiling tinsel?
195
00:09:40,755 --> 00:09:42,215
On it.
196
00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:46,469
Virginia, we are capital-F Fudged.
197
00:09:46,511 --> 00:09:48,471
- Dan's gonna hate this.
- Why?
198
00:09:48,513 --> 00:09:50,139
You said he loves Kareem.
199
00:09:50,181 --> 00:09:52,433
Yeah, on a tiny screen, not in person.
200
00:09:52,475 --> 00:09:55,436
Dan hates people.
201
00:09:55,478 --> 00:09:57,814
That's why my video was perfect.
202
00:09:57,855 --> 00:09:59,732
Dan would get to hold a living legend
203
00:09:59,774 --> 00:10:02,026
in the palm of his hand, mute and unmute
204
00:10:02,068 --> 00:10:05,405
this titan at will, like a God.
205
00:10:05,446 --> 00:10:07,115
That's how Dan gets his kicks.
206
00:10:07,156 --> 00:10:10,535
Not by meeting somebody
richer and taller than him!
207
00:10:11,577 --> 00:10:13,621
So, the deal is I help you
pat down a roomful
208
00:10:13,663 --> 00:10:17,125
of over-served Santas looking
for some kid's Christmas list.
209
00:10:17,166 --> 00:10:20,920
And to sweeten the deal,
I get nothing in return?
210
00:10:20,962 --> 00:10:23,548
Well, you could get this ticket back.
211
00:10:23,589 --> 00:10:25,967
Ooh! I've got a bag full of tickets.
212
00:10:26,009 --> 00:10:29,095
Lenny, can we have the hall?
213
00:10:29,137 --> 00:10:31,764
You're right.
You do have a lot of tickets.
214
00:10:31,806 --> 00:10:33,975
Do any of them have...
215
00:10:34,017 --> 00:10:37,353
Double plums!
216
00:10:37,395 --> 00:10:38,980
Yeah, that's right.
217
00:10:39,022 --> 00:10:42,108
Looks like we're on our way
to a real nice ticket here.
218
00:10:42,150 --> 00:10:45,194
Be a damn shame if something
were to happen to it.
219
00:10:45,236 --> 00:10:46,654
Wh...
220
00:10:46,696 --> 00:10:48,656
Abracadabra Stone, you look at me.
221
00:10:48,698 --> 00:10:51,951
Double plums... that's one plum
away from $1 million.
222
00:10:51,993 --> 00:10:54,287
Could be ours, Abby... yours and mine.
223
00:10:54,329 --> 00:10:56,372
Help me save this little girl's
Christmas,
224
00:10:56,414 --> 00:10:57,540
and the ticket's yours.
225
00:10:57,582 --> 00:10:59,500
Refuse, and I roast your plums.
226
00:10:59,542 --> 00:11:01,085
Oh.
227
00:11:01,127 --> 00:11:03,755
Do I look like someone who
loves money more than Christmas?
228
00:11:03,796 --> 00:11:07,383
No. It disgusts me.
229
00:11:14,140 --> 00:11:16,476
All right. Did a letter girl
give you a letter tonight?
230
00:11:16,517 --> 00:11:19,395
This is the worst date
I've ever been on.
231
00:11:19,437 --> 00:11:21,731
Your dad seems cool.
232
00:11:25,526 --> 00:11:27,153
I think most of this is drugs.
233
00:11:27,195 --> 00:11:31,074
If it is, the elves put 'em
in there without my knowledge.
234
00:11:32,825 --> 00:11:36,954
Yes, I am a man of size.
Yes, I have a lush beard.
235
00:11:36,996 --> 00:11:39,040
Must I therefore be accosted
236
00:11:39,082 --> 00:11:43,336
every time I wear
my favorite athleisure suit?
237
00:11:44,545 --> 00:11:45,797
At least you get cookies.
238
00:11:45,838 --> 00:11:49,008
What I want is some damn respect!
239
00:11:50,510 --> 00:11:54,973
If you wanna talk to Santa,
you know what you have to do.
240
00:12:01,938 --> 00:12:06,150
- Do you have the letter or not?
- I do not.
241
00:12:08,653 --> 00:12:13,116
Hey, hey, hey. This is stupid.
242
00:12:13,157 --> 00:12:14,701
We're not gonna get anywhere like this.
243
00:12:14,742 --> 00:12:16,494
There are like 30 Santas left in here.
244
00:12:16,536 --> 00:12:18,579
We could skip the ones
with the face tattoos.
245
00:12:18,621 --> 00:12:21,207
Oh, fine. There are 26 Santas
left in here.
246
00:12:21,249 --> 00:12:22,917
- Naughty!
- Ow! What the hell was...
247
00:12:22,959 --> 00:12:25,003
Naughty. Naughty.
248
00:12:25,044 --> 00:12:26,379
- Nice.
- Hey!
249
00:12:26,421 --> 00:12:29,966
Naughty. Virginia had one
of these elf keychains.
250
00:12:30,008 --> 00:12:31,384
He must be her Santa.
251
00:12:31,426 --> 00:12:32,719
Yeah, his keychain looks just like...
252
00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:34,429
I'm not an elf!
253
00:12:36,222 --> 00:12:38,057
♪ I won't talk until I get some ♪
254
00:12:38,099 --> 00:12:40,143
♪ I won't talk until I get some ♪
255
00:12:40,184 --> 00:12:42,562
♪ No, I won't talk until I get some ♪
256
00:12:42,603 --> 00:12:45,732
♪ So give me more beer ♪
257
00:12:45,773 --> 00:12:47,233
Just answer the question.
258
00:12:47,275 --> 00:12:49,068
Did you get a letter from a little girl?
259
00:12:49,110 --> 00:12:51,070
Yeah, I got a letter.
But why would it help you?
260
00:12:51,112 --> 00:12:52,739
You're the lady who found me guilty.
261
00:12:52,780 --> 00:12:55,450
- I want my lawyer.
- I am your lawyer.
262
00:12:56,617 --> 00:12:59,412
- What if we gave you this?
- Holy crap. Two plums.
263
00:12:59,454 --> 00:13:01,331
Hey, those are my plums.
264
00:13:01,372 --> 00:13:04,042
All right, fine.
The ticket for the letter.
265
00:13:04,083 --> 00:13:05,918
Here, take it.
266
00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:07,211
You know what? It really doesn't matter.
267
00:13:07,253 --> 00:13:08,588
If it's a winner, I still get half.
268
00:13:08,629 --> 00:13:10,506
It's a perfect system.
269
00:13:10,548 --> 00:13:12,800
Wait. This isn't a letter
from a little girl.
270
00:13:12,842 --> 00:13:17,555
It's a cease and desist from a
strip club called "Litty Girls."
271
00:13:17,597 --> 00:13:19,932
Ah! Elf shoe?!
272
00:13:19,974 --> 00:13:22,060
Thanks for nothing!
273
00:13:22,101 --> 00:13:24,896
- Naughty. Naughty.
- Hey, hey, hey!
274
00:13:24,937 --> 00:13:27,273
I hope you get stuck in a chimney!
275
00:13:28,107 --> 00:13:29,776
All right, well, so much for that.
276
00:13:29,817 --> 00:13:30,943
- Dan?
- Huh?
277
00:13:30,985 --> 00:13:32,320
I think I figured out a way
278
00:13:32,362 --> 00:13:33,988
that we can get
Virginia's Christmas list.
279
00:13:34,030 --> 00:13:35,573
Oh, great. You know what?
I'd love to help you,
280
00:13:35,615 --> 00:13:36,783
but it is Christmas Eve,
281
00:13:36,824 --> 00:13:38,618
and I have a date
with my empty apartment.
282
00:13:39,911 --> 00:13:42,413
I'm running out of places
to hide Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
283
00:13:42,455 --> 00:13:44,874
He's not gonna leave
until he meets Dan Fielding,
284
00:13:44,916 --> 00:13:47,585
so I need you to be Dan Fielding.
285
00:13:47,627 --> 00:13:49,462
No problem. I know Dan.
286
00:13:49,504 --> 00:13:52,632
Every mannerism, every facial tick.
287
00:13:52,674 --> 00:13:55,510
I will become Dan Fielding.
288
00:13:57,387 --> 00:14:01,599
Dan wasn't in there. I asked everyone.
289
00:14:01,641 --> 00:14:05,520
Um, Mr. Abdul-Jabbar, there's
someone I'd like you to meet.
290
00:14:06,813 --> 00:14:10,024
Hey. I'm Murray Flobert.
291
00:14:11,234 --> 00:14:15,154
Do you think it's too late
for me to learn basketball?
292
00:14:15,196 --> 00:14:17,615
Wait. I wasn't supposed to say my name.
293
00:14:17,657 --> 00:14:20,535
Oh, well. Good luck
with your play, Gurgs.
294
00:14:21,828 --> 00:14:23,955
You're making me rethink everything.
295
00:14:23,997 --> 00:14:25,665
Maybe I do rely too much on
296
00:14:25,707 --> 00:14:28,668
the Ghosts of Christmas Past and Future.
297
00:14:28,710 --> 00:14:31,462
Am I the worst one?!
298
00:14:33,214 --> 00:14:35,383
Sorry I don't travel back in time.
299
00:14:35,425 --> 00:14:40,471
Sorry I can't throw an old man
in his own grave!
300
00:14:40,513 --> 00:14:41,848
Excuse me.
301
00:14:41,889 --> 00:14:44,434
I'm just gonna escape for a second.
302
00:14:46,352 --> 00:14:48,771
How's your night going, Gurgs? Oh, mine?
303
00:14:48,813 --> 00:14:52,025
Oh, I've thrown a ghost
into an existential crisis
304
00:14:52,066 --> 00:14:54,319
by pointing out that she is not magic.
305
00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:56,654
Hey, I know what that's like.
306
00:14:57,905 --> 00:15:00,325
Sometimes it felt like
it didn't matter what I did
307
00:15:00,366 --> 00:15:03,995
on the court, everybody loved Magic.
308
00:15:05,496 --> 00:15:09,500
I guess we have a lot in
common, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
309
00:15:13,838 --> 00:15:18,176
Jingle bell, jingle bell... squid.
310
00:15:19,594 --> 00:15:21,929
Who chooses these images?
311
00:15:21,971 --> 00:15:24,599
Hey, Dan, check me out.
312
00:15:26,267 --> 00:15:28,895
This is how I'm gonna get
Virginia's Christmas list.
313
00:15:28,936 --> 00:15:31,105
Hi, someone call for a psych consult?
314
00:15:31,147 --> 00:15:32,690
The consult is no longer necessary.
315
00:15:32,732 --> 00:15:34,067
You can just take her away.
316
00:15:39,989 --> 00:15:42,033
So, how is this cry for help
317
00:15:42,075 --> 00:15:44,327
going to get you
the girl's Christmas list?
318
00:15:44,369 --> 00:15:46,788
Virginia already
thinks I'm an elf, so...
319
00:15:46,829 --> 00:15:49,791
Because you love cookies
and use a tiny hammer
320
00:15:49,832 --> 00:15:51,793
and work on a bench?
321
00:15:51,834 --> 00:15:55,380
Yeah, I guess I do have
a lot of elf qualities.
322
00:15:55,421 --> 00:15:57,006
Not to mention your height.
323
00:15:57,048 --> 00:15:59,008
My height is completely average.
324
00:15:59,050 --> 00:16:02,428
I can show you studies...
from the 1800s.
325
00:16:03,638 --> 00:16:06,683
Look, I know it's a long shot,
but with a little bit of luck
326
00:16:06,724 --> 00:16:10,353
- and a little bit of magic...
- Ho, ho, ho!
327
00:16:10,395 --> 00:16:11,729
What are you doing?
328
00:16:11,771 --> 00:16:14,482
Uh, I was just...
Dan, Dan, do that again.
329
00:16:14,524 --> 00:16:18,194
Do what again? Ho, ho, ho!
330
00:16:18,236 --> 00:16:20,822
You're right.
I... I don't need to be an elf
331
00:16:20,863 --> 00:16:23,700
to get her list because you're Santa.
332
00:16:23,741 --> 00:16:24,951
Virginia was with you
333
00:16:24,993 --> 00:16:26,703
when you met with her mom
in the cafeteria.
334
00:16:26,744 --> 00:16:28,871
You don't think I'd remember a
small child giving me a letter?
335
00:16:28,913 --> 00:16:32,083
Not if the kid was nervous to
give it to the big man himself,
336
00:16:32,125 --> 00:16:34,919
- so she put it in his sack.
- Sack?
337
00:16:34,961 --> 00:16:37,046
That is Corinthian leather.
338
00:16:39,340 --> 00:16:42,844
Virginia's letter. Dan Fielding,
you saved Christmas.
339
00:16:42,885 --> 00:16:44,220
In your fa...
340
00:16:44,221 --> 00:16:45,555
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
341
00:16:45,596 --> 00:16:48,182
♪ Virginia's here ♪
342
00:16:48,224 --> 00:16:49,851
You are an elf!
343
00:16:49,892 --> 00:16:52,520
How else would you be
best friends with Santa?!
344
00:16:52,562 --> 00:16:55,857
Oh, you think Santa
and the elves are friends?
345
00:16:55,898 --> 00:16:58,735
Santa, we have a special guest.
346
00:16:58,776 --> 00:17:00,862
We wouldn't want to spoil
anything for her
347
00:17:00,903 --> 00:17:05,825
on the most magical night of the year.
348
00:17:05,867 --> 00:17:08,328
Ho, ho, ho.
349
00:17:09,537 --> 00:17:14,917
Yes, I was just telling my
little elf friend here, Naggy,
350
00:17:14,959 --> 00:17:17,962
what a good girl you've been.
351
00:17:18,004 --> 00:17:19,756
Naggy, why don't you show us
352
00:17:19,797 --> 00:17:23,301
that elf dance you're so famous for?
353
00:17:24,302 --> 00:17:27,805
Well, I would love to,
but I can't dance without music.
354
00:17:27,847 --> 00:17:31,559
So, Santa, why don't you sing us
your favorite Christmas song?
355
00:17:31,601 --> 00:17:33,436
A ho, ho.
356
00:17:33,478 --> 00:17:35,897
Well, it's gonna sound a lot like
357
00:17:35,938 --> 00:17:38,441
the song "Tequila" by The Champs.
358
00:17:38,483 --> 00:17:41,611
5, 6, 7, 8.
359
00:17:41,653 --> 00:17:43,905
♪ Bum-ba-da-da-da-bum-bum ♪
360
00:17:43,946 --> 00:17:45,615
♪ Ba-dum-ba-da-da-da-bum ♪
361
00:17:45,657 --> 00:17:47,784
♪ Ba-da-da-da-dow ♪
362
00:17:47,825 --> 00:17:49,639
♪ Ba-da-da-da-d... ♪
363
00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:50,640
Ow!
364
00:17:50,778 --> 00:17:52,288
♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
365
00:17:52,330 --> 00:17:55,208
- ♪ Christmas! ♪
- ♪ Christmas! ♪
366
00:17:55,249 --> 00:17:58,503
Mom, this is the best Christmas ever!
367
00:17:58,544 --> 00:18:03,007
I met Santa and a 19-time NBA All-Star!
368
00:18:04,175 --> 00:18:07,804
And your dad's new girlfriend
got flipped on a Jet Ski!
369
00:18:07,845 --> 00:18:10,848
Merry Christmas, everyone!
370
00:18:13,643 --> 00:18:14,894
Did you find my ghost?
371
00:18:14,936 --> 00:18:18,314
- No, did you find my Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?
- No.
372
00:18:18,356 --> 00:18:20,149
Uh, excuse me, Miss Moore?
373
00:18:20,191 --> 00:18:22,568
I'm here to evaluate the witness
you have in custody.
374
00:18:22,610 --> 00:18:25,571
Oh, this is gonna be so much paperwork.
375
00:18:26,906 --> 00:18:28,741
I should have just watched the kid.
376
00:18:28,783 --> 00:18:32,829
- Kids aren't so bad.
- Epiphany!
377
00:18:32,870 --> 00:18:34,372
What are you doing back there?
378
00:18:34,414 --> 00:18:39,002
I dropped my turkey leg,
and I repeat, epiphany.
379
00:18:40,378 --> 00:18:42,755
Oh, yes, Spirit.
380
00:18:42,797 --> 00:18:45,383
You... You have changed my ways.
381
00:18:45,425 --> 00:18:50,179
And I did it all by myself!
Screw you, other ghosts.
382
00:18:51,055 --> 00:18:53,266
Come on, Doc. I'm on a roll.
383
00:18:53,308 --> 00:18:55,852
Get ready to hear about
some stuff that is happening.
384
00:18:55,893 --> 00:18:57,520
Ha!
385
00:18:57,562 --> 00:19:00,690
Sorry. I was teaching Flobert
how to dribble.
386
00:19:00,732 --> 00:19:05,320
Uh, Kareem, you are the most
interesting person alive,
387
00:19:05,361 --> 00:19:06,904
and you deserve to know the truth.
388
00:19:06,946 --> 00:19:10,158
I'm never going to meet Dan Fielding.
389
00:19:10,199 --> 00:19:11,909
I know that. How do you know that?
390
00:19:11,951 --> 00:19:15,830
No, I mean I refuse to meet that man.
391
00:19:16,748 --> 00:19:19,625
I heard he only gives gifts
that make him money.
392
00:19:19,667 --> 00:19:24,047
And his daughter stole the
shoe-shine guy's elf costume.
393
00:19:27,425 --> 00:19:28,593
Kareem, this isn't about Dan.
394
00:19:28,635 --> 00:19:30,720
It's about my perfect gift streak.
395
00:19:30,762 --> 00:19:32,347
So, you're all selfish.
396
00:19:32,388 --> 00:19:35,266
You know, the more you pass
the ball, the more you score.
397
00:19:35,308 --> 00:19:37,018
- Is that true?
- Oh, God, no,
398
00:19:37,060 --> 00:19:39,646
but everyone else around here is lying.
399
00:19:40,813 --> 00:19:43,608
- ♪ Silent night ♪
- Court.
400
00:19:43,650 --> 00:19:46,819
- ♪ Holy night ♪
- Court.
401
00:19:46,861 --> 00:19:51,741
♪ All is calm, all is bright ♪
402
00:19:51,783 --> 00:19:53,576
♪ Court ♪
403
00:19:53,618 --> 00:19:56,537
Okay, okay. You can clearly sing.
404
00:19:56,579 --> 00:19:58,581
What you can't do
is be naked in the park
405
00:19:58,623 --> 00:20:00,083
unless you're a horse.
406
00:20:01,501 --> 00:20:02,585
Take them away.
407
00:20:04,837 --> 00:20:10,051
If you ask me, some of those
horses should be wearing pants.
408
00:20:10,093 --> 00:20:11,678
- Dan?
- Hmm?
409
00:20:11,719 --> 00:20:13,888
I know you're still waiting
for my incredible gift.
410
00:20:13,930 --> 00:20:17,767
But I just have to tell you...
I got you nothing.
411
00:20:17,809 --> 00:20:21,062
Nothing? Nothing at all?
412
00:20:21,104 --> 00:20:23,856
Oh, G...
413
00:20:23,898 --> 00:20:26,109
Sorry.
414
00:20:26,150 --> 00:20:28,611
I was getting a little choked up.
415
00:20:28,653 --> 00:20:32,657
Because for you,
the perfect gift is nothing.
416
00:20:32,699 --> 00:20:34,742
Oh! Now you don't have to thank anybody
417
00:20:34,784 --> 00:20:36,911
or owe anybody
or any of that stuff you hate.
418
00:20:36,953 --> 00:20:42,000
- I feel seen.
- Streak's still alive.
419
00:20:43,001 --> 00:20:45,420
Counsel. Please approach the bench.
420
00:20:49,507 --> 00:20:50,925
You big softy.
421
00:20:50,967 --> 00:20:53,428
I saw you having cookies
in the cafeteria with Virginia.
422
00:20:53,469 --> 00:20:58,016
Oh, yeah, well, it was
delightful. She paid.
423
00:20:58,057 --> 00:20:59,475
Did you get the list to her mother?
424
00:20:59,517 --> 00:21:01,477
I did. She wants princess sheets
425
00:21:01,519 --> 00:21:03,021
and her mom and dad
to get back together.
426
00:21:03,062 --> 00:21:06,774
- Hmm.
- So I think she's getting sheets.
427
00:21:06,816 --> 00:21:08,067
Last case of the night...
428
00:21:08,109 --> 00:21:10,737
the People vs. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
429
00:21:10,778 --> 00:21:14,282
Your Honor, Mr. Abdul-Jabbar
and his accomplice
430
00:21:14,324 --> 00:21:17,368
were caught lurking on
Patrick Ewing's fire escape.
431
00:21:17,410 --> 00:21:21,122
Let me do the talking, Kareem.
432
00:21:21,873 --> 00:21:25,501
How's it going? Big fan.
433
00:21:28,913 --> 00:21:33,913
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- www.MY-SUBS.com -
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