All language subtitles for Pushing.Daisies.S02E04.720p.HDTV.x264-CTU-eng

Emerson Cod was 5 months,
3 days, and 4 hours old

when his mother planned his death.

It would be quick, painless...

Pushing Daisies - Season 02 Episode 04
"Frescorts"

Subtitle (720p v.1.00): A�S Team
--==All-about-Subs.fr==--

... and the easiest way
for private detective Calista Cod

to bust a stock clerk claiming
millions in pain and suffering

as the result
of a forklift accident.

The firm of Cod & Cod
dedicated itself

to the pursuit of truth,
at all costs...

a pursuit
young Emerson found "badass".

Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

Faced with scoundrels, cheats,
and the havoc they wreaked,

mother and son made a vow
to never let lies come between them.

It was a profitable decision.

The truth is the cornerstone
of any successful relationship.

Years later,
private investigator Emerson Cod

was less successful
in another venture...

aspiring pop-up book author.

Lil' Gum Shoe was based
on the detective's childhood adventures.

More importantly, it was a map

designed to bring
his missing daughter back to him,

if only he could get it published.

"Complex plot, lack of theme,
child endangerment".

Man, that's cold.

So, at this moment, Emerson Cod,

a failure at fatherhood and fiction,
decided to quit.

Who is she?

I don't know. She's rolled in
like a moody mean thundercloud.

Know what you want?

Yeah. Nothin'...

With a side of "buzz off".

Ma'am, sorry to bother...

Perhaps you didn't realize
this is an eating establishment,

not a park bench, for example,
where one can loiter and smoke, and

not consume food
to one's heart's content.

Got a problem?
We can take it outside.

Oh, good.
Someone with a gun.

Rhubarb.

The whole pie will do.

And, mama...

When are you gonna treat yourself
and spring for a decent stogie?

The next time I trail a white-collar
money launderer to Havana.

People, I want to introduce you to
the PI who taught me everything I know.

She's my best bud and my mama, to boot,
Calista Cod.

Hi, I'm Ned.

This is Chuck and Olive.

So, Calista, what brings you
to our neck of the woods?

Fraud case, and I've been missing
my Lil' Gum Shoe.

Now, can we hit a bar?
I'm starving.

Isn't she comforting...

the brutal honesty, the sardonic wit,
and the appetite for hooch?

I mean, add an eye patch
and Calista could be Lily.

How are you doing with that?

What's "that"?

Living with the fact that the woman
you've known your whole life

as a tied-for-first-place favorite aunt
is really your mother.

Oh, that "that".

I'm happy that I know
I have a mother who's alive and

not so happy that
she can't know I'm alive.

Suddenly, what was comforting
is giving way to sadness.

Then I'll be your comforter.

Consider me your king-sized duvet

ready to wrap you
in goose-down goodness, tonight.

I'd love to,
but I've already made plans with Olive.

You two have been hanging out
every night since she got back.

Not that I've been counting.

Are you new best friends
or something?

No. Wait... I guess we are.

I have a new best friend.
Isn't that superb?

The pie maker did not think so,

for the more time Chuck spent
with her new best friend,

the less time she had for him.

He felt alone, but he feared
the truth would make him sound needy,

so, instead, he lied.

It sure is superb...
for you...

... both.

Want to head home, roomie?

Charlotte Charles' and Olive Snook's
decision to cohabitate was sudden,

just like Olive's earlier
decision to join a nunnery,

where all her earthly possessions
had been given to the poor.

It was a gesture
she had all but forgotten

until she arrived home
with a new pet pig by her side.

Is this my place?

I'm moving out after having moved in,
which came organically from missing you

and watering your plants
like you asked me to.

Don't worry.
All this will be gone by tomorrow.

Everything?

I figured you'd want
to start from scratch.

Truthfully, Olive Snook did not.

What she wanted
was a furnished apartment.

Scratch that.
Let's be roommates.

Oh, no.
I couldn't impose.

Truthfully, Charlotte Charles could.

Like Olive Snook,
she enjoyed her things

and the feeling of independence
they brought her.

Although, I were to impose,
you should know that

I'm a morning showerer,
a heavy sleeper, and a dish dryer.

And I'm a late-night bath taker,
a snorer, and a dish scrubber.

Welcome home!

Is there anything bigger
we should discuss?

You're referring to the time you made me
an unwitting drug mule for your aunts...

No.

Good, 'cause I done roasted
that old chestnut.

And I'm also okay that you hid the fact
that one of those aunts were my mother.

Right, just like I'm A-okay
with the fact that

you didn't explain to me
why you faked your own death.

- My! Look at all those bridges.
- And all that water flowing under them.

Oh, I'm proud of us...

We've put all on the table
and dealt with the tough stuff.

And move right off of it.

Chuck and Olive had simultaneous
and sneaking suspicions

that they were fooling themselves.

But they read each other's anxiety
as giddy excitement,

so Olive Snook changed the subject.

Who would've thought
they would have ever hit it off?

Which reminds me...

Would you mind
if I had the bed by the window?

Absolutely...

not.

I knew
I should've knitted it larger.

- Wool stretches.
- Well, not to China, sweetheart.

Have you got a girl somewhere?

Emerson Cod had lied to his best friend
and mother about two things.

One, that he did have
a girl somewhere, age 7.

Two, that he had written a book designed
to bring this girl back into his life.

Somebody's been feeding you.
What's her name?

- Pie maker.
- Damn!

And damn sad me not knowing more
about what's happening in your life.

I know we're both busy,
but it ain't right.

Emerson Cod agreed.

It was no longer right
to be in his mother's presence

without coming clean
and cleaning off their cornerstone.

His decision to share
his secrets was a noble intent.

All right, ma, here's the dilly.

Mr. Cod, I am in desperate need
of assistance.

What makes you
so desperate, Miss...?

Villanueva.
Veronica Villanueva.

An unsolved murder...

namely that of my best friend, Joe.

Office is closed.
Family matter. Scram!

Please.
I am opening my heart to you.

Just open that blouse.

You got a description of this Joe?

They found his body dumped
in an alleyway last night.

He had been missing for two days.

Joe...
He was like a brother.

He meant everything to me.

I want yustice
at any price.

That's our kind of yustice.

We'll be in touch.

I'll be dental damned.

With a girl like that,
you certainly should.

I'm talking about a dentist,

by the name of Dr. Eugene Halifax.

Just came to see me this morning

about the murder
of his best friend, Joe.

With Miss Villanueva,
he's a cosmo-drinking shopaholic.

- Queer.
- You bet it's odd.

Dr. Eugene has Joe as some tough guy
who's tough on plaque.

Seems Joe was a different friend
to different people.

Meaning both your clients.

Gonna thank mama for getting you
paid twice to solve one murder?

That's Joe, all right.

Heya, folks!
What's going on?

You're in the county morgue.
Our condolences.

Happen to know
how you happened in here?

Last thing I remember,
I was getting ready to play ball

when suddenly there was
a doozy of a pain in my back.

Stab wound.

Killer stitched it up. Poorly.

Let me see.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Is it me, or is that odor strangely
reminiscent of 8th-grade biology?

Specifically formaldehyde.

The coroner must have started
embalming me already.

Coroner don't embalm...
Just looks for the cause of death.

Preserving happens after
and elsewhere.

- Bless you.
- No. Bless Downy.

She was my one-and-only.

I never got a chance
to tell her how much I cared.

Now she'll never know.

Any idea who'd want
to pickle your gherkin?

None. Wonder if it has anything to do
with my best friend.

- Which one? Veronica or Dr. Eugene?
- You know those two? Small world.

- You'll keep an eye on them for me?
- We plan to.

Looks like we got to get friendly
with a couple of best friends.

Under normal circumstances,

the PI would question
separate clients separately.

However,
the presence of one PI's PI mother

allowed him to employ
a time-saving interrogation technique,

known as the "Kalashni-Cod".

Like the Russian machine gun
for which it was named,

its operation was simple.

The scope was set, the magazine loaded,
and the trigger pulled.

Who's Joe's best friend?

I got it on good authority Joe's BFF
made him RIP. Who wants the title now?

Where were you last Friday night,
girly?

- Obsessed?
- Where'd you buy the formaldehyde?

Did giving him the stab-stab
make you feel good?

- I'm no suspect. I hired you.
- I think I'd like my money back.

I don't give no damn refunds
to people who waste my time.

When you retain my services, I expect
the facts, and I mean all of 'em.

But looking at you two
with your averted eyes...

- Lowered heads...
- And nibed lips,

makes me think
you hiding something.

What is it?

Fine, I'll tell you the truth...

The dirty, humiliating truth.

Joe was a "frescort".

It's short for "friend and escort",

Basically a friend for hire.
You pick from the catalog.

They become anyone
you want them to be.

What's wrong with picking
somebody the old-fashioned way,

walking up to them and saying,
"Hi, my name is blah-dee-blah".

"Do you like bloo-dee-blooin'?
Me too. Let's be friends."

But I'm shy.

I get why Dr. Bashful
needs a pay-a-pal.

But back when I had a rack and
a couple of getaway sticks like yours,

I had no trouble
making acquaintances.

This...

attracts all kinds.

But no one wants to know who I am.

Men only see me
as a score not yet scored.

- And the women?
- This...

- Yeah, we got it.
- It promotes instant jealousy.

I was all alone,

so I called in the professionals.

As Emerson Cod read the words,

he was reminded
of frescort Joe's final ones...

That his murder
may have had to do with...

My Best Friend, Inc.?

All right, everybody
know what their job is?

Olive and I are frescort wannabes.

Our mission...
To find Joe's one-and-only Downy.

All right, good.
Meanwhile, me and the pie man

are gonna have a sit-down chitty-chat
with the CEO of the company,

see who Joe was pretend-friending
the night he died.

Any questions?

That was rhetorical.

My query is not. What happened to you
and your mom working together?

She's working on her own case, and
I might need a diversion, so, as I said,

you with me.

It isn't a question,
more of a suggestion.

Merely a tiny change of plan,

where Chuck goes undercover
with... me, for instance.

The pie maker's intention
wasn't to make waves.

He was just trying to spend time
with his beloved Chuck.

Yeah, sure.

It's just that Olive and I had kind of
come up with backstories and aliases.

And a secret
incognito-partners handshake.

Yeah, that's nice.

Plan stays as planned.
Move out.

Welcome to My Best Friend,
where everyone's in the in-crowd.

I'm a PI.

Less interested in the in-crowd
and more in the "out", as in murder.

You're here about Joe.
Such a devastating loss.

He was our top performer.

That's what you peddle around here...
Performers?

Truthfully, I'd say it's atonement.

Back in high school,
I was a colossal creep.

Math geeks, male cheerleaders...

even the...
pitiful team mascot

were just sad, pimply targets
for a varsity quarterback like myself.

Until two blitzing linebackers
destroyed my knee.

Suddenly I was no different
from all those nerds I put through hell.

From that point on,

I swore I'd use my powers for good,

providing people, for a nominal fee,

with what everyone deserves...

Friendship.

Well, judging by these digs,
your nominal fees have been adding up.

No matter
what the modern world says about

gadgetry bringing us closer together,
it's driven us further apart.

We're isolated, all alone.

But once trained, my frescorts function
as the best companions money can buy.

Who was Joe companioning
the night he died?

No client appointments.

Mind if I take a gander?

We keep
all of our records confidential.

Ah, the hug machine.

Our most valuable teaching tool.

How about a demonstration
on my associate?

- No, thank you.
- Divert.

Come on, you!

See, proper hugs are a science.

They must be platonic
but not cold,

firm, but not painful.

The pie maker didn't want
to be hugged by a machine.

He wanted to be hugged
by the one he was lonely for.

But for a fleeting moment,
the pie maker's aloneness abated,

so he closed his eyes,

thought of Chuck, and hugged back.

I like that.

We'll have the models
in the gift shop for Christmas.

I'll make sure there's one
in your stocking. Come on.

Emerson Cod
had uncovered Joe's home address

as Chuck and Olive
addressed going undercover.

Barb? Hi.

My name is Kitty Pimms,
and this is Patty Boots.

We're two highly motivated candidates
ready to befriend the sad and lonely.

For pay.

Kitty Pimms, Patty Boots.

What wonderfully rhythmic names.

They just scream "Good humor"
and "Bonhomie"!

Now, can you f-f-f-fake it real?

Wh-wh-wh-what?

W-w-were you making fun
of my stuttering?

- No, I was just...
- I don't stutter, but if I did,

what you did would subtly
put me at ease by saying,

"Hey, you're okay.
I'm okay. We're okay."

M-kay?

Now, back to "fake it real".

On any given day,
clients are gonna depend on you

to summon up every feeling in the book,
even if you're not feeling it.

Show me happy.

Sad.

Surprise.

Consternation.

Constipation.

You know what I'm showing you?

Heck, yeah!
We are getting you into training asap!

Except I heard this job
can be kind of dangerous.

You are referring to Joe.

It's so horrible.

Did you know him?

Just by name.
Frescorts are forbidden to fraternize.

You two are friends, aren't you?
Don't answer. I can tell.

Thing is, you're awesome,

and I only want to bring the best people
into this organization, so...

We'll just keep things
on the QT, okay?

We won't even carpool.

At that moment,
another carpool had landed

at the apartment
of a murder victim.

Frescorts ain't nothing but a bunch
of cons hiding behind good intentions.

My experience:

people don't appreciate
being conned,

even when they're pathetic losers
who signed up for it in the first place.

We're gonna go in Joe's place
and find that list,

see which one of his clients
did him in.

Why are they pathetic losers?
'Cause they're alone?

Because they're paying
for something that's free.

There's nothing wrong
with needing a little extra help.

No one thinks twice if a person with
a wobbly backhand hires a tennis coach.

And I'm guessing you have no clue
how to bake a rhubarb custard pie.

But do I call you pathetic
for paying me to do it?

You've had
a best friend since birth.

Not all of us have been that lucky.

Yeah, well.
Don't be too jealous of my luck.

Ain't but one sorry leaf
hanging off that clover.

You know, mom and me ain't supposed
to have no lies between us.

Well, technically, I never lied,

but I also never told her
I have a daughter.

Most mothers would consider that
splitting hairs.

She spent her whole life
teaching me how to collar cons.

I guess I'm just embarrassed
to have her know that my ex conned me.

But you know what?

I'm chucking my chagrin overboard.

I'm letting loose the truth.

Yep!

I'm gonna sit mama down...

take a deep breath,
and look her straight in the...

What's the matter?
Cat got your eye?

Sorry.
It's just glass.

Yeah, it's for a sculpture
that I'm working on.

We're private investigators
looking into a murder.

Joe was my roommate.

What's your name, roommate?

Randy Mann.

I got some knee-slappers about that.
You want to hear?

In the face of tragedy,
I try to keep things light.

It's just weird,
not having him around anymore.

Joe had such a big personality.

It's tough.
You share your life with someone,

and suddenly there's an abyss
where a person always was before.

- You lost a roommate, too?
- And girlfriend. Same person.

- Your roommate/girlfriend died?
- Yeah.

I mean, no.
She moved out.

Sorry. Doesn't compare.
Not even remotely.

You're not completely alone, though.

- A golden retriever, right?
- Yeah...

Digby, who would be a source
of comfort if he didn't prefer living

with my girlfriend,
her new besty, and their pig.

You aware that Joe worked
as a friend-for-hire, Mann?

Well, I thought he was a tutor
to special folks or some like that.

Know who he was with
the night he died?

Sure don't, pal.

Wait.
Where do you think you're going?

Bedrooms are back here?
I just want to see Joe's.

Wish you could, but you can't.
See, I'm late for something.

But seriously, come back anytime.

Randy's a nutjob's name.

Randy's also a fun guy's name.
You can grab a beer with Randy,

grill a brat with Randy,
pick up chicks with Randy.

And help stuff them into
Randy's freezer with Randy.

Can you be a little nice?
His roommate died.

Did you see how nice and crazy
behind the eyes he got

when I tried to get into that back room?
What's he hiding?

I've never seen your back room.

- I've never seen your front room.
- I've never seen your front door.

Where do you live?

- Your son's very secretive.
- Well, he didn't get it from me.

My heezy
ain't none of y'all's beezy.

Randy Mann is shady,

and I'm gonna get back into his house
as soon as I get him to take that bait.

- Meanwhile, what do you got?
- Still no news on Downy,

and since company policy
dictates that frescorts can't date,

it may even be a dead end.

- Hiya, Ned!
- Hiya, bait.

I found your free cooking-class coupon,
so I brought along offal.

- "Awful"?
- Offal. O-f-f-a-l.

Animal organs and innards
for meat pie.

Yeah, so "awful", like this idea.

I'm not leaving Ned alone
with back-room Randy.

This place is full of freezers,
perfect for body-stuffing.

It's also full of customers.
Hey, come on in, Randy!

All right, girls number 1 and 2,
get to frescorting.

- All right, ma, let's go.
- My target's on the move.

Well, can't it wait?

I thought we were gonna get a chance
to catch up and talk

while we were tossing
that apartment.

Darling, you know what it is
to be married to the job.

We'll have time
for talking tomorrow.

The weight of the untruths about
his missing daughter grew heavier.

So heavy, that he felt he'd soon
be crushed beneath them.

And so he entered the apartment
of a suspected killer

with a different death
on his mind.

That of his
and his mother's friendship.

"Tutor of some sort", my glue stick.

Freeze!

Holy Noah's
nutty-as-a-fruitcake ark.

But the menagerie
of taxidermied animals

would not be the nuttiest thing
Emerson Cod would find.

- Aren't you gonna chow down?
- I'm a vegetarian.

This stuff will make you strong.

Gobbling gizzards makes muscles.

At least,
that's what my ma used to say.

- Why?
- I had loose ligaments as a kid...

Always falling, bruising my tailbone,
bumping my head.

A total disaster,
especially at sports.

All the kids at school made fun,
but I didn't care.

I just played with my pets,

'cause pets are cool with you,
no matter what...

Like your dog.
Digby, right?

He digs you just the way you are.
Forever will, too!

I got to stop going on
about stuff like this.

It makes me seem like a weirdo.

However, the pie maker
did not see a weirdo.

I didn't have any friends
at school, either.

Talk about a disaster at sports,
they wouldn't even give me gym clothes.

Instead, I'd sneak off
on my own and bake pies.

That's how I got started
in my hobby, too.

I don't usually share it with people but
the minute we met, I knew you'd be okay.

So I brought it alone
and hid it out back.

- You want to see?
- Sure.

Digby!

Listen.

- He's singing "American pie" for you.
- You killed my dog?

No, no, no.
That's Butterscotch, my dog.

You said your golden retriever was

staying with someone else,
so I thought I'd lend you mine.

He's been my best friend
since I was 5.

This is how you repay him?

If you had the chance to hold on to
someone you loved after he or she died,

- wouldn't you?
- In fact, the pie maker had... twice.

But instead he said...

Please leave.

I thought
we had something in common.

You're a sick man, Randy Mann.

Stuffing all them critters
and then posing them in twisted ways.

Well, that's... That's why I don't
ever tell people about it.

They don't understand.

You don't think
it's twisted, do you?

'Course he does.
He was here babysitting while

I was gathering evidence
against your murdering ass.

- Liar. Liar!
- Your pants on fire.

You weren't Joe's roommate.
You were his client.

Why'd I tell you about that?

It's embarrassing, having
to pay someone to hang out with you.

Even more humiliating
to have your frescort repo'ed.

That must've been the final straw
before you offered Joe.

I offered him a deal...

To be my roommate rent-free.

He agreed.
He said it'd be like a real friendship.

Is that why you kept a piece of him?

Joe's appendix,
floating in formaldehyde.

Oh, god.

Except you found out real quick

preserving a human's
tougher than chipmunks,

- so you had to dump the body.
- That appendix is mine, formerly Joe's.

He gave it to me as a joke

and to thank me for taking him
to the hospital when it burst.

Check his medical records
or ask his girlfriend.

- He must've told her about it.
- What's her name?

I don't know,
but it was someone at work.

Must've been serious, though.

Joe was even gonna quit
so they could be together.

So, Ned just paged me
at the welcome desk,

and he said there is no doubt
there is a Downy among us.

Okay, I'll nose through my

"How to flatter and reassure
the profoundly ugly" symposium.

I've got
a "CD mixes that matter" lab

in 5 minutes, so maybe
someone there will know.

"Kinship".

Anyone know another word for it?
I'm afraid there's a Q involved.

- Propinquity.
- Nice.

Okay.

Give me another.

4-across is "Gelding".

Thanks, but...

I don't do the acrosses.

- I only do the...
- Downs.

Barb, you're Downy.

- No, I'm not.
- You sure aren't...

f-f-faking anything to the contrary.

Okay.

Okay.

It's okay.

We're just trying to help.

Is Downy
a nickname that Joe gave you?

- Tissue.
- What?

- Tissue!
- Tissue.

I can't reach that.
I just...

Barb, don't!

Fake that, bitches!

Crap.

Hell, no.

- Mama.
- Yes, dear?

- I can't breathe.
- Yeah?

I gave you breath.
And this is the thanks I get?

The facts were these...

Missy Scrivner,
editorial assistant at Book'em Books,

oversaw
all rejected manuscript letters.

Underbite surgery had left
the girl shackled to a liquid diet,

which found its way onto
the rejection letter of one Emerson Cod.

Unable to decipher anything
but the words "E"

and "Cod", Missy phoned
directory assistance.

Mistaking her garbled "E" for a "C",

the operator gave
the address of Calista,

who read the critiques
and assumed her son's secret book was...

A thinly disguised tell-all to show the
world what kind of horrible mother I am!

No. Did you even read it?

Didn't have to.
The cover screams "Smear campaign".

And what's with the main character being
a girl? You saying I turned you gay?

I ain't gay and
this ain't about you!

It's about my daughter!

What daughter?

She's 7.

Her mama ran off with her
when she was a baby.

I've been looking for her ever since,
with no luck.

And that's why I finally
wrote Lil' Gum Shoe.

To help her have a way to find me.

Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't even tell my friends.

Well, I'm not your friend.
I'm your mother.

Oh, now you're my mum.

- What's that mumbles?
- I said...

You only say stuff like that when you
want me to feel guilty about something.

Well, since you switched back to
mama mode, I guess I can roll with that.

So, tell me, mama...

What kind of mother
spies on her own son?

It's not like I wanted to.

Damn.

That's shrewd, woman.

You faked a fraud case.

You set off your own beeper.

You even made sure I took two clients
at once so I'd be doubly busy.

All so you could poke
around in my personal life.

You know
what the sad thing is, mama?

I was gonna tell you everything.

What kind of fool
do you take me for?

Are you saying you don't believe me?

Well, I guess there's nothing else
for you and me to talk about, then.

Chuck and Olive
haven't checked in yet.

It's like we're trapped in a sachet
in a panty drawer of a dead shut-in

who was shut in her bedroom
by her cat,

so that it wouldn't have
to smell the stench of freesia.

- Can't you smell it?
- Yep.

That would be
my freesia hair detangler

that you said
smells amazing yesterday.

Wish I hadn't, now!

Wish I hadn't told you those
capris made you look taller!

Liar!

No, I'm a truth-ar,
because I came clean unprompted,

whereas you only admitted
to lying because you got caught.

Here comes
the center of the universe

pulling us all
into her gravitational orbit of blame.

Oh, well, F.Y.I....

There is no center of the universe,
because our universe

is forever expanding.

Like your neediness.

"Wah, respect my feelings."

"Wah, don't fence me in."

"Wah, don't treat me like I'm dead."

Well, if you're so dead,
how can you be so needy?

Oh, right... You're selfish!

I am selfish?

I've just shared with you
every single thing that I own.

Big whoop!
Secondhand stuff.

Oh, so that's what you're angry about,
the one thing I won't share... Ned.

I can't believe you said that.

Don't shrug at me in the dark,
Charlotte Charles. That was a low blow!

What do you expect me to do?
I'm in a no-win situation here.

I can't talk to you
about it because that'd be insensitive.

I can't talk to Ned about it
because he's done nothing wrong.

I mean,

if I were to have a nickel for every
single time the three of us are together

and unexpectedly, accidentally,
I catch you looking at him...

No. Stop talking. Stop talking.
Help! Help us!

- Anyone, help!
- And you have this little, sad,

pining look on your face of...

"Oh, Ned. Why can't you love me?"

And then I feel like a complete jerk
for being in love with my own boyfriend.

Yeah, a boyfriend you don't touch.

- I told you... We can't!
- That doesn't make any sense!

I'm going home!

To my home!

What happened?

Roommate squabble,

brought on by the suspicious actions
of Barb, a.k.a. Downy,

who is definitely
a person of interest.

Got a name and address on her?

No, but I know where I can get one...
Buddy's office.

Oh, no! Barb!

Oh, good,
Kitty, you got out of the locker.

Sorry. I thought
you're gonna tell on me.

- For what, killing Joe?
- No, for dating him.

See, I didn't want to get fired.
This job's the only pl...

Her lungs are crushed.

Who knows CPR?

I do.

Oh, good idea.

Okay, breathe, breathe...

The only place
my relentless positivity

and encyclopedic knowledge
of hair braiding meant something.

I couldn't hurt Joe. When he was around,
I could be my true self.

Only now I'll never know if it was
just our mutual passion for crosswords

that brought us together
or if he felt the same way.

You were his one-and-only. He was about
to leave the company for you.

He said he had something
important to tell me.

The night he died,
I waited for his call, but

he never made it back
from his frescorting gig.

Wait a minute.
Joe didn't work that night.

He was moonlighting
a sports date.

Who with?

Joe never said,
but the guy sounded tragic.

Two years of playing ball,
and he was still a spaz.

Some clients simply lack
the jock gene.

Buddy calls them bleacher leechers.

Yeah, skip to the part
where you become the main squeeze.

I was having a meltdown, came in for
a hug, pretended those arms were Joe's.

That's when the dial
got turned to 11 by the Spartan.

I tried to fight...
grabbed this from his helmet.

You did good, Barb.

There's no Spartan running around,
killing the popular kids.

This ain't Thermopylae High.

Right. It's Spartanburg West
and Buddy's team mascot.

Great. How are we gonna find out
who that was?

I'm having
the most unfortunate of hunches.

Randy was an uncoordinated
bleacher leecher.

He told me the kids at school
teased him mercilessly for it.

Yeah, and maybe one of those kids
was varsity quarterback

and self-proclaimed
dork menacer Buddy Amicus.

Detective Cod,
what are you doing here?

We're one step closer
to finding Joe's killer.

- With Kitty?
- Kitty's with me.

- What's wrong with Barb?
- Oh, she's dead...

- Thanks to your happy-hug machine.
- Not Barb.

Sweet, adorable, conciliatory Barb?

Who could do something so horrible?

Does the name
Randy Mann ring a bell?

- Should it?
- We think he's your old school mascot.

The Spartan you tangled with
back in the day...

He's back, and he's pissed.

Do you happen to have
a high-school yearbook?

- Thank you.
- I have to evacuate the building.

Someone call the police,
tell them there's a vindictive person

with low self-esteem on the loose.

There's no Randy Mann listed.

Maybe he's using an alias.

- The phone's dead.
- Help!

He got Buddy. Let's move.

Oh! Watch out!

- That was close.
- Yeah.

Last thing we need
is another dead body on our hands.

Too late for that.

Well, hello!

This is a surprise.
For you, too, I'm sure.

We're having a little trouble
getting a good look,

there's a mannequin face over yours.

Maybe if you took off your helmet?

Helmet on!

Sorry about that. We weren't expecting
such a leathery, mummy-like...

Can you speak? We would
really like to know who you are.

You're Spartanburg West quarterback.

Can you show us?

Ares Kostopolous.

You were a hottie.

But Buddy was the quarterback.

Buddy...
Buddy was the Spartan mascot.

Buddy killed you, too!

The Buddy Amicus legend of being

a high-school golden boy
is a complete lie.

And a total horror show. What kind
of person holds on to a dead body?

The kind that wants
to preserve a friendship.

The facts were these...

As a teen, Buddy Amicus
was unknown and invisible.

As varsity quarterback,

Ares Kostopolous was admired by all.

In his fragile and obsessed mind,

Buddy was best friends
with the big man on campus,

and he had to get closer,
no matter what.

Spartans!

The nameless, faceless mascot

strove to make
his pigskin god proud,

but no one noticed him
until the State championships,

when everyone did.

Spartans!

The Spartan felt
the agony of defeat.

But there was more agony to come.

Guys, guys!

Buddy thought Ares,
his hero, would save him.

The realization
that their friendship was a lie was

so painful, it drove Buddy mad...

and murderous.

Years of dermatology,
orthodontics, and steroid abuse

transformed Buddy Amicus into the man
he'd always wanted to be.

He founded My Best Friend, Inc.,
and found, among his frescorts,

Joe, who triggered in him a new,
albeit familiar, obsession.

This time, Buddy knew
things would be different.

Now he was the big man on campus,

able to befriend anyone he chose...

until the day Joe
brought it all to an end.

He was quitting
to be with fellow frescort Barb,

which meant he was also quitting Buddy,
no matter how much the desperate,

delusional man offered
to pay him to stay.

The realization that another friendship
had been another lie

drove Buddy mad
and murderous yet again.

And so, he convinced Joe
to meet him for one last game.

Why'd you heave-ho the body?

I tried to preserve him
like I preserved Ares.

Sadly, the formaldehyde
triggered my asthma.

And Barb, she took Joe,
so you took her life.

Wanna know
the most senseless thing?

I started
this company to help people,

so that the friendless
wouldn't suffer as I did.

Of course they suffer.
I've seen it up close.

At first the bogus friendships
you sell seem good, but deep down,

those clients never stop feeling
like weirdos who need to be fixed.

And so they keep paying,
hoping that someday

those feelings will go away,
but those feelings never go away.

I'm killing you first.

- Say goodbye.
- Goodbye, friend.

With the frescort killer
behind bars,

the pie maker was free to revisit
a former frescort client.

Your meat pies.

I can't eat them, so...

This is Digby, by the way.

Digby, say hi to Randy.

Aren't you a nice boy?

So unlike your owner.

I deserve that,
like you deserve an apology.

Apology accepted.
Goodbye.

Wait. You don't have to pay for it...
friendship.

The truth is, there are
a lot of people like you... us...

with strange hobbies
or talents or gifts that

we try to hide because we're afraid it
makes us seem weird or turns people off.

But that's a mistake.

What makes me unique has brought
every person I love into my life,

and it could be the same for you.

Well, there's nothing wrong
with being alone, you know.

Joe taught me that...

Called it the "first step".

You're no good to somebody else unless
you're good with being with just you.

Advice an alone pie maker
could use, as well.

The pie maker obtained
Buddy Amicus' client list

and invited those listed to bring
their true selves to a low-key mixer.

And while the intention was good,

the evening
was an unmitigated disaster...

until the second hour,

when everyone finally
started to come out of their shells.

In another 10 minutes,
I was gonna pull out the tequila shots,

and if that didn't work,
pull the fire alarm and call it a day.

Can you give Digby another hug?

Yeah, of course I will.

Do you want a hug?

Come on.

Tighter. And give his belly
a rubba-rubba-rubba.

You know, if you want,

I can hug him all night long
when I sleep over at your place...

permanently.

Did I forget to tell you
that I'm moving back in?

That squabble with you and
Olive is clearly more than a squabble.

We let loose with everything
we were feeling, thinking, flogged

our friendship to death
with a great big truth club.

Does that mean when it comes to us,

I should keep my truths to myself?

No, of course not.

Hang on. Am I setting myself up
for something here?

I was setting myself up to tell you
that ever since you moved in with Olive,

I feel like I never see you anymore.

And please don't take
that any other way than...

I miss you.

That was really sweet.
I miss you, too.

All the more reason
for me moving back in.

Sorry.

- You can't.
- But you promised me comforting.

You're my king-sized duvet
of goose-down goodness.

I know. Selfishly,
I want to duvet you right this second,

but I've got to work on being okay
with being alone,

and you've got to work on
your friendship with Olive.

We might not like it,
but it's the truth.

Well, I'm gonna need a pie.

I'm a sucker for shoofly!

What do you think?
Are we gonna be able to fix this?

We should assess.

I'm working on the "having
feelings for your boyfriend" thing.

I just wish there was a switch
I could turn to "Off".

- But there just isn't.
- I know.

And while you do that, I'm gonna work
on the "center of the universe" thing.

In fact, I'm ready to ditch
that role for a new one...

"selflessly centered roommate".

You're staying?

Is that a good or incredulous question
mark at the end of that question?

Very good. Besides,

the heavy lifting is behind us.

We've laid
that cornerstone of truth.

Pounded that sucker into place.

Besides, it'd be such a waste
of time and effort if you left.

Agreed.

As Chuck and Olive
celebrated their reunion...

... Emerson Cod had
a reunion of his own.

Well, finally.

A decent stogie.

I needed some comfort tobacco.

I was just about to ring you up

to tell you how much I regretted
our previous words.

I was about to get on a plane,

and that same regret had me
turning around, running back here.

You were right.

Our relationship is done.

Meaning, how our relationship was,

being best friends.

I'm your mama, Emmy,
and I got to start acting like it.

That means I can't expect you
to be as strong as me

or as grown-up.

Got to feel you can be vulnerable,

make mistakes,
and still tell me about them.

- Deal?
- Yeah.

- Do I get an allowance?
- No.

But you do get notes...

on this from me.

The publisher's right.
That book is stupid.

Book ain't stupid.

Story is.

This is about...

your childhood
with your crazy mother.

You tell that to a kid at bedtime,
he'll piss the box springs.

You got to write about
the grown-up Emerson Cod,

how great he'd be as a daddy.

Do that, and your little girl
will come running back in no time.

Later, Lil' Gum Shoe.

As Emerson Cod enjoyed
a sense of familial peace,

the pie maker had a peace
of a different sort...

The quiet, solitary,
bachelor kind...

until...

Oh, no.
Disaster with Olive?

It went really well...

So well, in fact, I wanted to wrap you
in goose-down goodness as a thank-you.

But, you know,
my duvet was metaphorical.

Yeah?

Well, so was mine.

I've really missed you.

Synch: Salomon & Gaillots.

Rereading: Bruno & Toupack.

Subtitle: A�S Team
--==All-about-Subs.fr==--

Please rate this subtitle at www.osdb.link/72c3
Help other users to choose the best subtitles