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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,300 --> 00:00:03,467 ( Announcer ) and now a message 2 00:00:03,534 --> 00:00:05,100 from the national entitilitus foundation. 3 00:00:05,167 --> 00:00:07,033 Hi, i'm ronnie dobbs. 4 00:00:07,100 --> 00:00:09,434 By the time you see this, I will have passed. 5 00:00:09,501 --> 00:00:12,634 The killer what took me Is entitilitus. 6 00:00:12,701 --> 00:00:15,133 No one knows where Entitilitus comes from, 7 00:00:15,200 --> 00:00:16,834 Or what Entitilitus is, 8 00:00:16,901 --> 00:00:18,868 But entitilitus kills. 9 00:00:18,934 --> 00:00:20,100 So please, 10 00:00:20,167 --> 00:00:23,033 If y'all could sponsor An entitilitus volunteer 11 00:00:23,100 --> 00:00:25,567 On the annual Talk-backwards-for-one-day- 12 00:00:25,634 --> 00:00:28,200 To-raise-awareness- About-entitilitus day, 13 00:00:28,267 --> 00:00:30,200 I'd greatly Appreciate it. 14 00:00:30,267 --> 00:00:33,267 Also, if y'all are Gonna be in a crowd, 15 00:00:33,334 --> 00:00:35,734 Y'all wear condoms On both your ears. 16 00:00:35,801 --> 00:00:37,300 I think it's funny. 17 00:00:37,367 --> 00:00:38,467 ( Coughing ) 18 00:00:38,534 --> 00:00:39,634 Ohh. 19 00:00:45,801 --> 00:00:49,601 ( Audience cheering ) 20 00:00:49,667 --> 00:00:52,667 ( Announcer ) hey, everybody, it's bob and david. 21 00:00:53,567 --> 00:00:55,234 ( Audience applauding ) 22 00:00:57,734 --> 00:00:59,868 Hey, thank you. 23 00:00:59,934 --> 00:01:01,434 Thank you. 24 00:01:02,901 --> 00:01:04,434 Thank you. 25 00:01:05,968 --> 00:01:08,133 Hi, i am Bob odenkirk. 26 00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:11,067 ( Audience cheering ) 27 00:01:11,968 --> 00:01:13,567 And i'm david cross. 28 00:01:13,634 --> 00:01:16,400 ( Audience cheering ) 29 00:01:16,467 --> 00:01:18,133 Well, america, You asked for it. 30 00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:19,434 You told hbo-- 31 00:01:19,501 --> 00:01:20,868 "We wanna see A sketch show 32 00:01:20,934 --> 00:01:23,467 "Hosted by 2 people We've never seen before." 33 00:01:23,534 --> 00:01:25,767 And that's us ! So here we are. 34 00:01:25,834 --> 00:01:27,167 ( Audience applauding ) 35 00:01:27,234 --> 00:01:28,400 Whatever. Now you're, uh... 36 00:01:28,467 --> 00:01:29,734 You're probably Asking yourselves-- 37 00:01:29,801 --> 00:01:31,767 "What is this show ?" Well... 38 00:01:31,834 --> 00:01:33,400 It's whatever You want it to be. 39 00:01:33,467 --> 00:01:35,234 Yeah, so, Let's start, um... 40 00:01:35,300 --> 00:01:37,234 We need a suggestion For a show. 41 00:01:37,300 --> 00:01:39,701 Anybody ? A suggestion For a show ? Anybody at all ? 42 00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:41,501 Over here. Yes, sir ? 43 00:01:41,567 --> 00:01:43,901 Yeah, i have An idea. Um... 44 00:01:43,968 --> 00:01:45,400 ( Whiny voice ) "I have an idea." 45 00:01:45,467 --> 00:01:46,801 What if, For your show, 46 00:01:46,868 --> 00:01:49,267 You guys, um, Played... 47 00:01:49,334 --> 00:01:50,901 Beep, beep, beep ! Ahh ! 48 00:01:50,968 --> 00:01:53,167 Different Characters ? 49 00:01:53,234 --> 00:01:54,300 Thanks, good. 50 00:01:54,367 --> 00:01:56,400 Great suggestion, Moron. 51 00:01:56,467 --> 00:01:58,033 Bob. What ? 52 00:01:58,100 --> 00:01:59,434 You can't insult People like that, 53 00:01:59,501 --> 00:02:00,701 Not right Off the bat. 54 00:02:00,767 --> 00:02:02,067 I mean, they don't Know who we are-- 55 00:02:02,133 --> 00:02:03,601 Ok, all right, You're right. 56 00:02:03,667 --> 00:02:06,734 Well, let's show them why Hbo gave us this show. 57 00:02:06,801 --> 00:02:09,167 Let's--let's knock 'Em on their asses. 58 00:02:09,234 --> 00:02:10,133 Yeah ! 59 00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:12,067 You brought your Asses, didn't ya ? 60 00:02:12,133 --> 00:02:13,334 Yeah. Ok. 61 00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:14,701 Let's do a little Ass-knocking. 62 00:02:14,767 --> 00:02:16,067 You start. All right. 63 00:02:16,133 --> 00:02:18,300 Ok, a little taste. I will now do A selection 64 00:02:18,367 --> 00:02:19,868 From my One-man show, 65 00:02:19,934 --> 00:02:21,601 hitler sings. 66 00:02:26,100 --> 00:02:28,100 ( Audience laughing ) 67 00:02:28,167 --> 00:02:32,467 * When will i Be special ? * 68 00:02:32,534 --> 00:02:35,968 * When will i be someone Who's loved * 69 00:02:36,534 --> 00:02:39,100 * For me ? 70 00:02:39,167 --> 00:02:42,000 * If i stumble upon A me at the door * 71 00:02:42,067 --> 00:02:43,667 * Will i open it wide 72 00:02:43,734 --> 00:02:47,601 * Or close it and look Through the peephole ? * 73 00:02:47,667 --> 00:02:49,100 * I want to be... * 74 00:02:49,167 --> 00:02:51,100 Folks, there's something You should know About david cross. 75 00:02:51,167 --> 00:02:53,667 He attended public Schools, and, uh, 76 00:02:53,734 --> 00:02:56,567 He confuses hitler With anne frank. 77 00:02:56,634 --> 00:02:58,701 David cross, Everyone ! 78 00:03:00,367 --> 00:03:01,467 Thank you so much. 79 00:03:01,534 --> 00:03:02,567 Now it's my turn. 80 00:03:02,634 --> 00:03:03,501 All right. 81 00:03:03,567 --> 00:03:06,200 Now it is my turn. 82 00:03:06,267 --> 00:03:07,901 I would now Like to recite 83 00:03:07,968 --> 00:03:10,400 The names of All the states 84 00:03:10,467 --> 00:03:12,734 In 18 seconds. ( Clearing throat ) 85 00:03:12,801 --> 00:03:13,968 You'll time me ? 86 00:03:14,033 --> 00:03:15,000 You got it. 87 00:03:15,868 --> 00:03:16,868 ( Exhaling ) 88 00:03:16,934 --> 00:03:18,634 Ok, you ready ? 89 00:03:18,701 --> 00:03:20,534 I'll just wait for it To go back around. 90 00:03:20,601 --> 00:03:21,901 ( Audience laughing ) 91 00:03:21,968 --> 00:03:23,133 How much time Have we got ? 92 00:03:23,200 --> 00:03:24,567 Uh, about 55 seconds. 93 00:03:24,634 --> 00:03:27,033 ( Audience laughing ) 94 00:03:27,100 --> 00:03:29,067 Why don't you just Start it on the 15 ? 95 00:03:29,133 --> 00:03:30,300 ( Clicking ) 96 00:03:31,467 --> 00:03:32,367 Go ! 97 00:03:32,434 --> 00:03:33,334 Illinois, indiana... 98 00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:35,434 Ugh... 99 00:03:35,501 --> 00:03:38,567 ( Stammering ) Wi-winkechin, uh... 100 00:03:38,634 --> 00:03:41,801 ( Stammering ) T-t-t-tassini, uh... 101 00:03:41,868 --> 00:03:42,934 Chim-cham... 102 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:44,133 Yeah, got it ! Bob, you did it ! 103 00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:45,367 Yeah ! Yeah ! 104 00:03:45,434 --> 00:03:47,167 Yeah ! 105 00:03:47,234 --> 00:03:49,234 Yeah ! Yeah ! Go get 'em ! 106 00:03:49,300 --> 00:03:50,834 ( Audience applauding ) 107 00:03:50,901 --> 00:03:52,801 ( David ) Look at him go ! 108 00:03:52,868 --> 00:03:54,934 All right, folks... 109 00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:57,033 Bob missed his First day of school, 110 00:03:57,100 --> 00:03:58,567 And he never Really caught up, 111 00:03:58,634 --> 00:04:01,601 So he thinks there are Only 5 states, you know, 112 00:04:01,667 --> 00:04:03,367 And that one of them Is named chim-cham. 113 00:04:03,434 --> 00:04:04,734 So, it's-- 114 00:04:04,801 --> 00:04:06,200 Yes ! Yes ! 115 00:04:06,267 --> 00:04:08,534 Yeah, all right ! Way to go, buddy ! 116 00:04:08,601 --> 00:04:10,434 Ha, ha, yeah ! 117 00:04:12,834 --> 00:04:14,000 Congratulations. 118 00:04:14,067 --> 00:04:15,133 ( Man in audience ) Um, yeah, um... 119 00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:16,167 ( Man #2 ) "Um, yeah, um..." 120 00:04:16,234 --> 00:04:19,033 Um, bob and david, I had another idea. 121 00:04:19,100 --> 00:04:20,634 "I had an idea." Yeah, what is it ? 122 00:04:20,701 --> 00:04:22,133 ( Bob ) What ? 123 00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:25,000 What if, um, Instead of making it up As you went along, 124 00:04:25,067 --> 00:04:25,901 ( Making farting noise ) 125 00:04:25,968 --> 00:04:27,934 You had a script For the show ? 126 00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:30,467 And, um, You did, like, 127 00:04:30,534 --> 00:04:32,133 Tested material ? 128 00:04:33,133 --> 00:04:34,067 Ow ! 129 00:04:34,634 --> 00:04:35,667 What ? 130 00:04:35,734 --> 00:04:36,801 You know what ? 131 00:04:36,868 --> 00:04:38,767 You just wrote your Ticket out of here ! 132 00:04:38,834 --> 00:04:41,033 That's right, get him outta Here, and his friend, too ! 133 00:04:41,100 --> 00:04:42,000 Ow, hey, I didn't-- 134 00:04:42,067 --> 00:04:42,968 Bye ! Yeah, bye ! 135 00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:44,234 I didn't Do nothin' ! 136 00:04:44,300 --> 00:04:46,834 mr. Show ? mr. Blow is more like it ! 137 00:04:46,901 --> 00:04:48,100 Stupid-- 138 00:04:48,167 --> 00:04:49,834 I didn't do shit ! 139 00:04:49,901 --> 00:04:50,868 Bye. 140 00:04:53,934 --> 00:04:56,701 Wow, bob and david have Really changed, huh ? 141 00:04:56,767 --> 00:04:57,801 Aw, fuck that. 142 00:04:57,868 --> 00:04:59,834 Who wants to see their Dumb-ass show, anyway ? 143 00:04:59,901 --> 00:05:02,567 I did, But not anymore. 144 00:05:02,634 --> 00:05:03,968 They used to be Nice guys, 145 00:05:04,033 --> 00:05:05,934 But now that they Got this mr. Show, 146 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:07,734 It's, like, Gone to their head. 147 00:05:07,801 --> 00:05:10,734 Yeah, they think they're Ronnie fuckin' dobbs ! 148 00:05:10,801 --> 00:05:12,501 Please don't swear. 149 00:05:12,567 --> 00:05:14,033 ( Imitating his voice ) Nyeh, nyeh, nyeh ! 150 00:05:15,033 --> 00:05:16,067 ( Horn honking ) 151 00:05:16,133 --> 00:05:17,567 Hey, stevie ! 152 00:05:17,634 --> 00:05:19,701 All right, Party time ! 153 00:05:19,767 --> 00:05:22,734 Hey, see ya later, You sack of shit ! 154 00:05:22,801 --> 00:05:24,100 Boom ! 155 00:05:24,167 --> 00:05:25,634 H-h-h-hey ! 156 00:05:26,300 --> 00:05:27,767 Pah-tay time ! 157 00:05:27,834 --> 00:05:29,434 ( Laughing ) 158 00:05:29,501 --> 00:05:30,534 What about ernie ? 159 00:05:30,601 --> 00:05:31,601 Shut the fuck up, man ! 160 00:05:31,667 --> 00:05:33,467 You want him to hear us ? All right. 161 00:05:33,534 --> 00:05:36,167 Fuck you, Asshole ! 162 00:05:36,234 --> 00:05:39,167 ( Ernie ) wow, he's really changed. 163 00:05:39,234 --> 00:05:40,901 he used to be a nice guy, 164 00:05:40,968 --> 00:05:43,367 but now he's kinda mean. 165 00:05:43,434 --> 00:05:46,434 wow, look at those leaves. 166 00:05:46,501 --> 00:05:49,567 oh, they've really changed. 167 00:05:49,634 --> 00:05:52,234 hey, a caterpillar. 168 00:05:52,300 --> 00:05:54,501 oh, he's really changed. 169 00:05:54,567 --> 00:05:59,033 now he's a butterfly, he thinks he's so big. 170 00:05:59,100 --> 00:06:02,434 oh, man, look at that traffic light ! 171 00:06:02,501 --> 00:06:05,267 oh, wow, it's really changed. 172 00:06:06,534 --> 00:06:07,601 ( Horn honking ) 173 00:06:07,667 --> 00:06:08,667 ( Thudding ) 174 00:06:08,734 --> 00:06:10,834 ( Doorbell ringing ) 175 00:06:10,901 --> 00:06:11,968 Hey ! Hey ! 176 00:06:12,033 --> 00:06:13,801 Hey, father jim, How are ya ? 177 00:06:13,868 --> 00:06:15,167 A cheese ball ! Aw ! 178 00:06:15,234 --> 00:06:16,767 Geena ! Hi. 179 00:06:16,834 --> 00:06:18,868 What a beautiful New apartment. 180 00:06:18,934 --> 00:06:20,734 Aw, thanks. 181 00:06:20,801 --> 00:06:21,801 Hey, father jim, 182 00:06:21,868 --> 00:06:23,400 You allowed to drink Seltzer water ? 183 00:06:23,467 --> 00:06:25,067 After 5 p.M. 184 00:06:25,133 --> 00:06:26,567 ( Laughing ) 185 00:06:27,534 --> 00:06:29,067 Boy, it's so Nice to know 186 00:06:29,133 --> 00:06:31,200 A thoughtful, Progressive priest. 187 00:06:31,267 --> 00:06:32,801 Honey, do you know That he took 188 00:06:32,868 --> 00:06:34,868 The church youth group To see forrest gump ? 189 00:06:34,934 --> 00:06:35,934 ( Whispering ) Did he really ? 190 00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:37,200 Yes, well, 191 00:06:37,267 --> 00:06:38,534 I think that gump is A role model 192 00:06:38,601 --> 00:06:41,567 For teens and Sweetly retarded people, 193 00:06:41,634 --> 00:06:43,934 And society As a whole. 194 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:45,033 Well, you know What i say ? 195 00:06:45,100 --> 00:06:46,334 Gump for president. 196 00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:48,734 ( All laughing ) 197 00:06:48,801 --> 00:06:50,634 What if That happened ? 198 00:06:50,701 --> 00:06:52,067 Oh, my goodness ! 199 00:06:52,133 --> 00:06:53,267 Shut up, man. You don't Know shit about dick. 200 00:06:53,334 --> 00:06:55,100 Hey, come on. 201 00:06:55,167 --> 00:06:56,667 Sorry, guys. 202 00:06:56,734 --> 00:06:58,667 Gary overheard me Talking about the party, 203 00:06:58,734 --> 00:06:59,701 And i had to Pick him up. 204 00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:01,100 Hey, hey, Hey, hey ! 205 00:07:01,167 --> 00:07:02,467 I'll bet any Of you lame-ass 206 00:07:02,534 --> 00:07:04,033 Motherfuckers A cigarette 207 00:07:04,100 --> 00:07:06,234 I can eat all the butts In this ashtray. 208 00:07:06,300 --> 00:07:07,400 That's ok, gary. 209 00:07:07,467 --> 00:07:08,567 Uh-huh, yeah. 210 00:07:08,634 --> 00:07:10,501 Bit of a Character. 211 00:07:10,567 --> 00:07:12,701 So, what's this I hear about A guitar mass ? 212 00:07:12,767 --> 00:07:15,167 Oh, 2 of 'em-- An acoustic and A heavy metal. 213 00:07:15,234 --> 00:07:16,434 Oh, it's like Lollapalooza. 214 00:07:16,501 --> 00:07:18,334 ( All laughing ) 215 00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:19,968 Yeah, yeah ! Did it ! 216 00:07:20,033 --> 00:07:21,567 Pay up. You owe Me a cigarette. 217 00:07:21,634 --> 00:07:23,167 All you had to Do was ask. 218 00:07:23,234 --> 00:07:25,801 Hey, guess what ? I don't Even smoke, dumb-ass. 219 00:07:25,868 --> 00:07:27,701 Gary, language ? 220 00:07:27,767 --> 00:07:28,968 Sorry, father. 221 00:07:29,033 --> 00:07:30,734 "Look upon the corn In the wheat, 222 00:07:30,801 --> 00:07:32,767 "For even the chaff Has its place." 223 00:07:32,834 --> 00:07:34,834 Oh, all right, This is it. 224 00:07:34,901 --> 00:07:36,868 You fuckers are gonna Believe it now. 225 00:07:36,934 --> 00:07:38,801 Ok, $20 says 226 00:07:38,868 --> 00:07:41,667 I can balance this glass On my nose for an hour. 227 00:07:41,734 --> 00:07:43,868 Gary, what are you doing ? That's their glass. 228 00:07:43,934 --> 00:07:45,501 Oh, man ! Thank you very much. 229 00:07:45,567 --> 00:07:46,968 Gary, what are You doing ? 230 00:07:47,033 --> 00:07:48,367 I'm the hit Of the party No, you're not. 231 00:07:48,434 --> 00:07:49,934 Everybody loves it. No, they don't. 232 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:50,968 Alright, gary, Just-- 233 00:07:51,033 --> 00:07:51,601 All right. 234 00:07:51,667 --> 00:07:53,367 Gary ! 235 00:07:53,434 --> 00:07:55,234 All right, here's the Bet. Here's the bet ! 236 00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:56,334 If i can eat 237 00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:58,501 All this broken glass In my hand, 238 00:07:58,567 --> 00:08:01,334 Y'all have to be my personal Slaves for a year. 239 00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:02,300 No, get-- 240 00:08:02,367 --> 00:08:04,701 ( Swallowing noises ) 241 00:08:04,767 --> 00:08:07,033 Is he eating it ? He's eating it. 242 00:08:07,100 --> 00:08:08,300 Yeah. 243 00:08:08,367 --> 00:08:09,634 ( Grunting ) 244 00:08:10,734 --> 00:08:11,868 Man. 245 00:08:13,734 --> 00:08:15,601 ( Grunting ) 246 00:08:15,667 --> 00:08:17,734 Oh, look at it. 247 00:08:17,801 --> 00:08:19,200 Stop looking at it ! 248 00:08:24,501 --> 00:08:26,000 Whoo ! 249 00:08:26,067 --> 00:08:27,167 Yeah ! 250 00:08:27,234 --> 00:08:28,267 ( Audience cheering ) 251 00:08:28,334 --> 00:08:30,400 Yeah, i did it ! 252 00:08:30,467 --> 00:08:31,968 I did it ! 253 00:08:32,033 --> 00:08:34,334 Now y'all have to be My personal slaves. 254 00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:35,334 Are you ok ? 255 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:37,133 "Sir." "Are you ok, sir." 256 00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:38,601 Now get me A beer, slave. 257 00:08:38,667 --> 00:08:40,334 I'm not your slave ! 258 00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:42,601 I never agreed To your stupid bet. 259 00:08:42,667 --> 00:08:43,734 I'll get Him a beer. 260 00:08:43,801 --> 00:08:44,767 No, father ! 261 00:08:44,834 --> 00:08:47,701 Yes, actually, I think i'm Obliged to. 262 00:08:47,767 --> 00:08:50,901 Gina, len, stevie... 263 00:08:50,968 --> 00:08:54,033 Earlier, when he Bet us that he could Eat the ashes, 264 00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:55,767 No one agreed To his bet. 265 00:08:55,834 --> 00:08:56,968 But upon Succeeding, 266 00:08:57,033 --> 00:08:58,534 He was rewarded-- One cigarette. 267 00:08:58,601 --> 00:08:59,701 No, i just-- 268 00:08:59,767 --> 00:09:01,334 In doing so, a Precedent was set-- 269 00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:03,868 An implicit Agreement that no Direct negative 270 00:09:03,934 --> 00:09:06,167 Acknowledges acceptance Of his bargain. 271 00:09:06,234 --> 00:09:08,534 Now get me A beer, slave. 272 00:09:08,601 --> 00:09:11,067 ( Audience laughing ) 273 00:09:11,133 --> 00:09:12,400 Yes, sir. 274 00:09:13,334 --> 00:09:14,400 Here you go. 275 00:09:14,467 --> 00:09:16,367 Ah, good Little slave. 276 00:09:16,434 --> 00:09:19,000 All right. Now, let's talk About a comedy mass 277 00:09:19,067 --> 00:09:21,167 With you As the m.C. 278 00:09:21,234 --> 00:09:22,200 Wouldn't that Be fun ? 279 00:09:22,267 --> 00:09:24,167 Oh, slave, I'm hungry. 280 00:09:24,234 --> 00:09:25,300 I want a banana. 281 00:09:25,367 --> 00:09:26,300 They're Right there. 282 00:09:26,367 --> 00:09:27,934 I'll--i'll get one. No-- 283 00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:28,968 No, slave. 284 00:09:29,033 --> 00:09:31,534 Pick me up and Carry me there. 285 00:09:31,601 --> 00:09:33,067 Father, don't. 286 00:09:33,133 --> 00:09:35,667 Really, i must. 287 00:09:35,734 --> 00:09:36,701 ( Grunting ) 288 00:09:36,767 --> 00:09:37,968 Gary-- 289 00:09:38,033 --> 00:09:40,534 "For the Samaritan must Fulfill his duty." 290 00:09:41,934 --> 00:09:44,133 Now, what about A puppet mass 291 00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:45,234 For the kids, The little ones ? 292 00:09:45,300 --> 00:09:47,234 Oh, slave, Put me down. 293 00:09:49,334 --> 00:09:51,200 I'm kind of bored Right now, slave. 294 00:09:51,267 --> 00:09:52,334 I wanna be Entertained. 295 00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:54,000 Entertain me With this banana. 296 00:09:54,067 --> 00:09:55,267 No. 297 00:09:55,334 --> 00:09:57,033 It'll just be A moment. 298 00:09:59,501 --> 00:10:01,934 ( Making tooting sound ) 299 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:04,267 No. 300 00:10:04,334 --> 00:10:05,701 No, slave. 301 00:10:05,767 --> 00:10:08,100 Slave, not like that. 302 00:10:08,167 --> 00:10:10,300 I want you to take That banana 303 00:10:10,367 --> 00:10:11,834 And stick it in Your butt crack. 304 00:10:11,901 --> 00:10:13,100 Gary ! 305 00:10:13,167 --> 00:10:14,367 And... 306 00:10:14,434 --> 00:10:16,868 Tell everyone you Were born out Of satan's ass. 307 00:10:16,934 --> 00:10:18,300 Oh, please don't Make me do that. 308 00:10:18,367 --> 00:10:19,701 Hey, come on, Say the words ! 309 00:10:19,767 --> 00:10:22,067 Yes, sir. Yes, sir. 310 00:10:22,133 --> 00:10:25,467 I was born Out of satan's ass. 311 00:10:25,534 --> 00:10:27,300 Do a dance. Jig it up. 312 00:10:27,367 --> 00:10:28,634 Do a jig. 313 00:10:28,701 --> 00:10:31,267 * I was born out Of satan's ass * 314 00:10:31,334 --> 00:10:34,868 * I was born out Of satan's ass * 315 00:10:34,934 --> 00:10:36,133 Strip naked. 316 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:37,200 * I was-- * 317 00:10:37,267 --> 00:10:38,300 Strip naked, slave. 318 00:10:38,367 --> 00:10:39,868 Oh, slave, Strip naked. 319 00:10:39,934 --> 00:10:41,400 What happened To your voice ? 320 00:10:41,467 --> 00:10:43,000 Oh, god. 321 00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:45,434 What's so funny ? 322 00:10:45,501 --> 00:10:47,167 We had this great idea A couple of weeks ago 323 00:10:47,234 --> 00:10:48,767 To make you agree To be his personal slave 324 00:10:48,834 --> 00:10:50,467 For one year. 325 00:10:50,534 --> 00:10:52,834 We got the whole Thing on video. Look up there. 326 00:10:52,901 --> 00:10:54,968 Let's watch it. Come on. 327 00:10:55,033 --> 00:10:57,033 Well, can i take The banana out ? 328 00:10:57,100 --> 00:10:59,300 ( Audience laughing ) 329 00:11:01,834 --> 00:11:05,000 ( Sighing ) Guess i should be upset. 330 00:11:05,067 --> 00:11:07,734 But when life Gives me lemons... 331 00:11:08,634 --> 00:11:10,968 I make lemonade. 332 00:11:11,033 --> 00:11:12,667 If i ask for A glass of water 333 00:11:12,734 --> 00:11:14,701 And somebody hands me A glassful of sand, I turn it over, 334 00:11:14,767 --> 00:11:17,100 Make a sand castle And pretend i'm the king. 335 00:11:17,167 --> 00:11:18,601 ( Audience laughing ) 336 00:11:18,667 --> 00:11:20,701 If somebody throws A rock at my head, 337 00:11:20,767 --> 00:11:23,200 I pretend the bruise Is a faded tattoo, 338 00:11:23,267 --> 00:11:24,968 And that i was Once a sailor 339 00:11:25,067 --> 00:11:26,634 And ran a sweatshop In singapore. 340 00:11:26,701 --> 00:11:28,367 ( Audience laughing ) 341 00:11:29,234 --> 00:11:31,334 I'm not too proud 342 00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:34,300 Of that time in My imaginary life, but... 343 00:11:34,367 --> 00:11:36,767 I'm comforted In the knowledge 344 00:11:36,834 --> 00:11:38,133 That my friends, 345 00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:41,033 Who made me stick A banana in my crack, 346 00:11:41,100 --> 00:11:42,734 Feel even worse. 347 00:11:42,801 --> 00:11:44,534 strip naked, slave ! strip naked ! 348 00:11:44,601 --> 00:11:45,834 Aww. 349 00:11:45,901 --> 00:11:48,567 Oh, man, That's great. 350 00:11:48,634 --> 00:11:50,033 Whoo ! What else You got, man ? 351 00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:51,300 ( Len ) Ahh, let's see. 352 00:11:51,367 --> 00:11:52,701 "2 murders," 353 00:11:52,767 --> 00:11:54,868 "Faces of People crying," 354 00:11:54,934 --> 00:11:56,467 "Defective cribs" ? 355 00:11:56,534 --> 00:11:58,300 "Faces of Confused elderly." 356 00:11:58,367 --> 00:11:59,934 Oh, check this one out. 357 00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:03,334 "Convenience store Security cam 5." 358 00:12:06,834 --> 00:12:08,934 All right, so i just Put the wax on 359 00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:11,601 And then rip the hair Right out, huh ? 360 00:12:11,667 --> 00:12:12,834 All right. 361 00:12:12,901 --> 00:12:14,434 You know best. 362 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:19,033 Why don't you Take a picture ? It'll last longer. 363 00:12:19,100 --> 00:12:20,667 Jagoff ! 364 00:12:20,734 --> 00:12:22,667 ( Audience laughing ) 365 00:12:25,734 --> 00:12:27,467 I just need Change for $1. 366 00:12:28,901 --> 00:12:30,634 I just need quarters, i-- 367 00:12:30,701 --> 00:12:33,067 ( Audience laughing ) 368 00:12:41,033 --> 00:12:43,434 I-i'll just go Across the street. 369 00:12:47,334 --> 00:12:48,767 Next. 370 00:12:48,834 --> 00:12:51,167 W-what was all that About ? Are you closed ? 371 00:12:51,234 --> 00:12:52,968 I was on my break. 372 00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,300 Ok. I just need Change for $1. 373 00:12:56,367 --> 00:12:58,067 Change for $1 ? Yeah. 374 00:12:58,133 --> 00:12:59,267 Hmm... 375 00:12:59,334 --> 00:13:00,934 ( Clicking ) 376 00:13:02,033 --> 00:13:03,200 Quarters, mostly. 377 00:13:03,267 --> 00:13:05,400 Quarters ? You want Quarters ? Hmm... 378 00:13:05,467 --> 00:13:07,000 ( Clicking ) 379 00:13:12,067 --> 00:13:14,200 Let me think. Doo, doo, doo... 380 00:13:14,267 --> 00:13:16,467 Change, change, change, Change, change, change... 381 00:13:16,534 --> 00:13:17,701 Ch-ch-ch change, Change, change... 382 00:13:17,767 --> 00:13:19,501 ( Clicking ) 383 00:13:23,501 --> 00:13:24,534 ( Sighing ) 384 00:13:24,601 --> 00:13:26,167 Tell you what. 385 00:13:26,234 --> 00:13:28,367 I'm gonna have to Ask my boss. 386 00:13:28,434 --> 00:13:29,667 Ok. 387 00:13:37,434 --> 00:13:39,634 ( Audience laughing ) 388 00:13:47,267 --> 00:13:48,400 Oh, what Did he say ? 389 00:13:48,467 --> 00:13:49,834 I went the wrong way. 390 00:13:49,901 --> 00:13:51,968 ( Audience laughing ) 391 00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:02,200 What the hell do you mean, You're taking it away ? 392 00:14:02,267 --> 00:14:04,100 Yesterday, i was the World's greatest grandpa, 393 00:14:04,167 --> 00:14:05,667 Today, i'm not ? 394 00:14:05,734 --> 00:14:08,100 Well, i've used The mug already. 395 00:14:08,167 --> 00:14:09,367 I-- Hold on. 396 00:14:09,434 --> 00:14:10,567 What ? What is it, pete ? 397 00:14:10,634 --> 00:14:12,000 Um, there's a Man out front 398 00:14:12,067 --> 00:14:14,033 Who wants to know if he Can get change for $1. 399 00:14:14,100 --> 00:14:14,934 Change ? 400 00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:17,000 Yeah, um, Quarters, mostly. 401 00:14:17,067 --> 00:14:18,067 ( Sighing ) 402 00:14:18,133 --> 00:14:19,567 I'm gonna have to Call you back. 403 00:14:19,634 --> 00:14:21,367 I got a Situation here-- 404 00:14:21,434 --> 00:14:23,400 Huh ? Hello ? 405 00:14:23,467 --> 00:14:24,634 They hung up. 406 00:14:26,167 --> 00:14:27,767 ( Sighing ) Change ? 407 00:14:27,834 --> 00:14:29,300 Yeah, for $1. 408 00:14:29,367 --> 00:14:30,968 ( Sniffing ) Hmm... 409 00:14:31,033 --> 00:14:33,133 Hmm... 410 00:14:33,901 --> 00:14:35,467 ( Sighing ) 411 00:14:37,133 --> 00:14:39,501 ( Grunting ) 412 00:14:41,300 --> 00:14:42,334 Well... 413 00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:44,100 ( Sighing ) 414 00:14:44,167 --> 00:14:45,267 ( Grunting ) 415 00:14:45,334 --> 00:14:47,100 Uh... 416 00:14:47,167 --> 00:14:49,200 I'm gonna have To call albany. 417 00:14:50,501 --> 00:14:51,400 ( Ringing ) 418 00:14:51,467 --> 00:14:52,300 Yo ? 419 00:14:52,367 --> 00:14:53,734 Mr. Spivey, please. 420 00:14:53,801 --> 00:14:55,501 Hey, danny. What's up ? I'm in a hurry. 421 00:14:55,567 --> 00:14:57,968 I got a fella here who Wants change for $1. 422 00:14:58,033 --> 00:15:00,267 Whew, change For $1. Um... 423 00:15:00,334 --> 00:15:02,000 ( Clicking ) 424 00:15:03,100 --> 00:15:04,234 wow, uh... 425 00:15:04,300 --> 00:15:06,634 ( Farting noise ) 426 00:15:12,033 --> 00:15:13,434 ohhh... 427 00:15:13,501 --> 00:15:16,234 No, no, no, no ! 428 00:15:16,300 --> 00:15:17,701 Change, all right, 429 00:15:17,767 --> 00:15:20,801 Lemme think... Buh, bah, bah, bah, bah... 430 00:15:20,868 --> 00:15:21,968 Uh... 431 00:15:22,033 --> 00:15:23,667 * Ahh * 432 00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:29,868 Change, all right, All right, 433 00:15:29,934 --> 00:15:31,767 I'll tell you what, Danny... 434 00:15:31,834 --> 00:15:33,033 I'm gonna have to Call the big guy. 435 00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:34,601 All right. 436 00:15:35,467 --> 00:15:37,634 Goddamn it. 437 00:15:38,767 --> 00:15:40,400 ( Whistling ) 438 00:15:40,467 --> 00:15:41,501 ( Ringing ) 439 00:15:41,567 --> 00:15:43,667 ( Grunting ) Damn it ! 440 00:15:45,868 --> 00:15:47,934 What is it ? I'm on vacation. 441 00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:49,067 I'm sorry, sir, 442 00:15:49,133 --> 00:15:51,267 but there's a man in our worcester store 443 00:15:51,334 --> 00:15:52,767 Who wants change For $1. 444 00:15:52,834 --> 00:15:55,033 Oh, ok, all right, i'm Sorry i snapped at you. 445 00:15:55,100 --> 00:15:56,067 Change, huh ? 446 00:15:56,133 --> 00:15:57,400 For $1. 447 00:15:57,467 --> 00:15:59,834 Damn it, it's too Late to fly back. 448 00:15:59,901 --> 00:16:02,133 All right, I have to think. Uh... 449 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:03,968 Phil, one second. 450 00:16:04,033 --> 00:16:07,300 Oh, ta, ta, ta, Ta, ta, ta... 451 00:16:07,367 --> 00:16:09,100 ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta... 452 00:16:09,167 --> 00:16:10,901 ( Making trumpet noises ) 453 00:16:20,133 --> 00:16:22,133 ( Making drum noises ) 454 00:16:28,300 --> 00:16:29,667 Whoo ! 455 00:16:29,734 --> 00:16:30,934 ok, uh... 456 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:32,734 I'm gonna have to call You back, all right ? 457 00:16:33,567 --> 00:16:35,200 ( Telephone ringing ) 458 00:16:36,634 --> 00:16:38,000 President of The united states. 459 00:16:38,067 --> 00:16:39,100 Shithead, it's kyle. 460 00:16:39,167 --> 00:16:40,601 Dumb-fuck, How's the golf ? 461 00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:42,567 Stop needling me, You prick. 462 00:16:42,634 --> 00:16:44,901 Look, some ass-wipe At my worcester store 463 00:16:44,968 --> 00:16:46,801 Wants change for $1. What should i do ? 464 00:16:46,868 --> 00:16:48,267 Hmm... 465 00:16:49,634 --> 00:16:50,868 ( Clicking ) 466 00:16:50,934 --> 00:16:51,868 No. No ? 467 00:16:51,934 --> 00:16:53,567 Tell him no. thanks, asshole. 468 00:16:53,634 --> 00:16:54,601 And fuck you. 469 00:16:54,667 --> 00:16:55,901 ( Laughing ) 470 00:16:57,934 --> 00:16:59,200 ( Telephone ringing ) 471 00:16:59,267 --> 00:17:00,133 no. 472 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:01,701 No. Yes. 473 00:17:01,767 --> 00:17:03,601 ( Telephone ringing ) 474 00:17:04,834 --> 00:17:05,968 Mcginty's, Open 4 days-- 475 00:17:06,033 --> 00:17:07,801 No. Tell him no. 476 00:17:07,868 --> 00:17:09,501 All right, no. 477 00:17:09,567 --> 00:17:11,033 No. Tell him no. 478 00:17:11,100 --> 00:17:12,367 All right. 479 00:17:13,868 --> 00:17:15,667 ( Audience chuckling ) 480 00:17:19,968 --> 00:17:20,934 No. 481 00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:22,667 ( Audience laughing ) 482 00:17:22,734 --> 00:17:23,801 Ok. 483 00:17:27,968 --> 00:17:29,834 I'm sorry, They didn't have any. 484 00:17:29,901 --> 00:17:31,868 Well, did you ask for Quarters, mostly quarters ? 485 00:17:31,934 --> 00:17:33,701 I did. "Quarters mostly," i said. 486 00:17:33,767 --> 00:17:35,467 Well, i mean, did you Check with the manager ? 487 00:17:35,534 --> 00:17:36,868 I did. The guy checked. 488 00:17:36,934 --> 00:17:38,501 He called someone. 489 00:17:38,567 --> 00:17:39,834 That don't do me No good, though. 490 00:17:39,901 --> 00:17:43,100 I--i ain't got no Quarters anymore. 491 00:17:43,167 --> 00:17:44,567 Ronnie ? 492 00:17:47,634 --> 00:17:48,634 Terry ? 493 00:17:50,734 --> 00:17:54,801 ( Terry ) i remember the first time i met ronnie dobbs. 494 00:17:56,534 --> 00:17:58,701 at the time, i was a cameraman 495 00:17:58,767 --> 00:18:01,601 for a popular tv show about the coppers. 496 00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:08,801 * naughty boys, naughty boys * 497 00:18:10,834 --> 00:18:13,100 A lot of times, you get There, and they're drunk... 498 00:18:13,167 --> 00:18:14,701 It's the 3rd time we've Been here this week. 499 00:18:14,767 --> 00:18:16,367 It's like arresting a Couple of 9-year-olds. 500 00:18:16,434 --> 00:18:18,200 She's a professional Lie-ologist. 501 00:18:18,267 --> 00:18:19,734 Yeah, that's great. 502 00:18:19,801 --> 00:18:21,501 Well, you be a Professional, and move Back 2 feet. 503 00:18:21,567 --> 00:18:23,000 Now, what's Going on here ? 504 00:18:23,067 --> 00:18:24,834 I gave him money to Go to the food circus, 505 00:18:24,901 --> 00:18:26,000 And get some Macaroni and cheese. 506 00:18:26,067 --> 00:18:27,300 So what Did he do ? 507 00:18:27,367 --> 00:18:30,534 Lyin' bitch ! He goes drinking again. 508 00:18:30,601 --> 00:18:31,667 Lyin' bitch ! Did he hit you ? 509 00:18:31,734 --> 00:18:33,133 Hold on, Did he hit you ? 510 00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:34,467 Here it goes ! Did he hit you ? 511 00:18:34,534 --> 00:18:35,834 He was about to-- 512 00:18:35,901 --> 00:18:37,167 But did he ? 513 00:18:37,234 --> 00:18:38,567 How do you feel About that ? 514 00:18:38,634 --> 00:18:40,234 Those are my plates ! 515 00:18:40,300 --> 00:18:42,167 ( Terry ) nothing remarkable, really. 516 00:18:42,234 --> 00:18:44,067 but then, 3 weeks later 517 00:18:44,133 --> 00:18:46,667 and hundreds of miles away... 518 00:18:46,734 --> 00:18:48,100 That's that Ronnie guy... 519 00:18:48,167 --> 00:18:49,334 That ronnie dobbs Guy again. 520 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:51,334 That's all behind me. I'm cleaned up-- 521 00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:52,300 Please calm down. 522 00:18:52,367 --> 00:18:53,968 I'm cleaned up, And i'm-- 523 00:18:54,033 --> 00:18:55,100 What's that ? 524 00:18:55,167 --> 00:18:57,033 Oh, ronnie. Oh, ronnie. 525 00:18:57,100 --> 00:18:59,367 Let me explain it, ok ? 526 00:18:59,434 --> 00:19:00,601 ( Woman ) Why is it in your pocket ? 527 00:19:00,667 --> 00:19:02,801 I was standing here, Minding my own business, 528 00:19:02,868 --> 00:19:05,901 Doin' my work, and A man came up to me 529 00:19:05,968 --> 00:19:07,767 With a scar, he Had a big ol' scar, 530 00:19:07,834 --> 00:19:09,334 And he came Up to me, and He was like-- 531 00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:11,367 "Hey, man." He put that In my pants and said-- 532 00:19:11,434 --> 00:19:12,567 "Hold on To this for me." 533 00:19:12,634 --> 00:19:13,767 I was like, "what's All that about ?" 534 00:19:13,834 --> 00:19:16,067 And he ran off Before i could see. 535 00:19:16,133 --> 00:19:18,100 He had a scar, and-- There he goes ! 536 00:19:18,167 --> 00:19:19,467 There goes The perpetrator, Officer ! 537 00:19:19,534 --> 00:19:21,234 Get in the car. You can catch him now ! 538 00:19:21,300 --> 00:19:23,968 You are so stupid, ronnie. You are so stupid. 539 00:19:24,033 --> 00:19:27,701 I hope you're happy, bitch. You stupid, dumb-ass bitch. 540 00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:29,734 Hey, y'all forgot Y'all's cameraman. 541 00:19:31,300 --> 00:19:32,667 ( Terry ) 2 weeks later, another city... 542 00:19:32,734 --> 00:19:33,701 We got him. 543 00:19:33,767 --> 00:19:35,801 an increasingly familiar face. 544 00:19:35,868 --> 00:19:37,801 There he is, I got him ! 545 00:19:39,901 --> 00:19:41,901 ( Crashing ) 546 00:19:41,968 --> 00:19:45,133 Y'all's unfair. Y'all's unfair. 547 00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:46,434 What's this White stuff ? 548 00:19:46,501 --> 00:19:49,267 I was bakin' For my mama ! 549 00:19:49,334 --> 00:19:53,067 ( Terry ) ronwell quincy dobbs was like a magnet for police-- 550 00:19:53,133 --> 00:19:55,701 a drunken, loud magnet. 551 00:19:55,767 --> 00:19:56,901 It was an Innocent arm ! 552 00:19:56,968 --> 00:19:58,667 Ok, i'm sure It was, fellas. 553 00:19:58,734 --> 00:20:01,934 ( Terry ) i put together a tape of ronnie's finest moments 554 00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:03,701 and shopped it round hollywood. 555 00:20:03,767 --> 00:20:06,033 a hungry producer convinced ronnie 556 00:20:06,100 --> 00:20:08,400 to get arrested exclusively for us, 557 00:20:08,467 --> 00:20:10,200 in a scene which the network deemed 558 00:20:10,267 --> 00:20:11,701 "not funny enough for you." 559 00:20:11,767 --> 00:20:13,400 hence, this montage. 560 00:20:13,467 --> 00:20:15,033 ( Screaming ) 561 00:20:15,100 --> 00:20:16,300 Don't make me Shoot you, sir. 562 00:20:16,367 --> 00:20:17,367 Come on down. 563 00:20:17,434 --> 00:20:18,734 Don't make me Shoot you. 564 00:20:18,801 --> 00:20:21,200 ronnie was a natural-born drunk. 565 00:20:21,267 --> 00:20:23,634 Man's best friend is a dog, And this is my dog, 566 00:20:23,701 --> 00:20:25,467 And i made my best Friend a sweater. 567 00:20:25,534 --> 00:20:27,167 he never needed a 2nd take, 568 00:20:27,234 --> 00:20:28,801 and he soon got himself arrested 569 00:20:28,868 --> 00:20:31,000 in every state in the union. 570 00:20:31,067 --> 00:20:31,968 Come on. 571 00:20:32,033 --> 00:20:33,400 All i want's-- 572 00:20:33,467 --> 00:20:35,534 we had to take him out of the country. 573 00:20:36,467 --> 00:20:37,667 ( French music playing ) 574 00:20:37,734 --> 00:20:40,634 ( Shouting in french ) 575 00:20:40,701 --> 00:20:42,200 I can't even understand What you're saying ! 576 00:20:42,267 --> 00:20:43,534 ( Speaking french ) 577 00:20:43,601 --> 00:20:45,300 Speak english, Motherfucker ! 578 00:20:45,367 --> 00:20:48,501 after that, the only place left was outer space. 579 00:20:48,567 --> 00:20:50,000 ( Astronaut ) we have one ronnie dobbs... 580 00:20:50,067 --> 00:20:51,667 ( Ronnie ) y'all get off me ! 581 00:20:51,734 --> 00:20:53,601 ronnie's face was everywhere, 582 00:20:53,667 --> 00:20:56,167 and his name on everyone's lips. 583 00:20:56,234 --> 00:20:57,734 Trick or treat. 584 00:20:57,801 --> 00:20:59,100 But, ronnie, 585 00:20:59,167 --> 00:21:01,601 Weren't you actually going To do a special where... 586 00:21:01,667 --> 00:21:05,634 y'all are brutalizing me ! police brutality ! 587 00:21:05,701 --> 00:21:08,133 ( Heavy metal music playing ) 588 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,601 * Ronnie dobbs, Ronnie dobbs * 589 00:21:10,667 --> 00:21:13,334 * Ronnie dobbs, Ronnie dobbs * 590 00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:16,901 He's guilty, yeah, But he knows it. 591 00:21:16,968 --> 00:21:18,934 I mean, we're guilty, You don't know it. 592 00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:20,701 So, you know, 593 00:21:20,767 --> 00:21:23,334 Who's really in jail ? You know ? 594 00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:25,701 ( Terry ) ronnie got himself a new hollywood house, 595 00:21:25,767 --> 00:21:27,234 and a new hollywood wife, 596 00:21:27,300 --> 00:21:29,834 and then ronnie forgot what got him there. 597 00:21:29,901 --> 00:21:31,834 How y'all doin' ? Y'all know rhonda ? 598 00:21:31,901 --> 00:21:33,767 Yes, we do. Hi, ronnie. How are you today ? 599 00:21:33,834 --> 00:21:35,667 Arrest me, officer. 600 00:21:35,734 --> 00:21:36,634 For what ? 601 00:21:36,701 --> 00:21:39,133 What did you do ? What's goin' on ? 602 00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:40,801 Wh... 603 00:21:40,868 --> 00:21:42,534 I'm not wearin' A shirt ! 604 00:21:42,601 --> 00:21:43,767 So... 605 00:21:43,834 --> 00:21:45,000 Fuck you, pigs ! 606 00:21:45,067 --> 00:21:46,300 ( Laughing ) 607 00:21:46,367 --> 00:21:47,934 That's very funny, Ronnie. Um... 608 00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:50,434 Would you mind signing this For my nephew, neil ? 609 00:21:50,501 --> 00:21:51,767 I would really Appreciate it. 610 00:21:51,834 --> 00:21:52,868 ( Terry ) ronnie couldn't get arrested 611 00:21:52,934 --> 00:21:55,000 in this town or any other town, 612 00:21:55,067 --> 00:21:57,300 and i intended to find out why. 613 00:21:57,968 --> 00:21:59,234 Ronnie ? 614 00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:01,567 Ronnie ? 615 00:22:07,567 --> 00:22:08,734 ( Coughing ) 616 00:22:08,801 --> 00:22:10,300 Ronnie ! 617 00:22:10,367 --> 00:22:12,167 Ronwell ! 618 00:22:12,901 --> 00:22:15,000 Ronnie ! 619 00:22:15,067 --> 00:22:16,234 Terry. 620 00:22:18,934 --> 00:22:21,000 I thought you Was in hawaii. 621 00:22:21,067 --> 00:22:24,634 A lot of people think A lot of things about hawaii. 622 00:22:24,701 --> 00:22:27,000 ( Audience laughing ) 623 00:22:27,067 --> 00:22:28,767 Ronnie, i'm going to Put it to you bluntly-- 624 00:22:28,834 --> 00:22:31,501 How long have you Been not drinking ? 625 00:22:31,567 --> 00:22:33,334 Terry, i drink All the time ! 626 00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:34,367 You know me. Come on ! 627 00:22:34,434 --> 00:22:36,801 No, you come on, ronnie ! What's in this ? 628 00:22:36,868 --> 00:22:38,767 Terry, come on, That's my cocaine. 629 00:22:38,834 --> 00:22:42,601 Bullshit, ronnie. It's fucking baking soda ! 630 00:22:42,667 --> 00:22:44,067 Ronnie, i'm going to Read you a letter 631 00:22:44,133 --> 00:22:45,467 I received the other day. 632 00:22:45,534 --> 00:22:46,567 Terry, i-- 633 00:22:46,634 --> 00:22:48,968 "Dear mr. Dobbs, My name is lamar. 634 00:22:49,033 --> 00:22:52,300 "I am 8 years old. I am your biggest fan. 635 00:22:52,367 --> 00:22:55,567 "How come you are Not so drunk anymore ? 636 00:22:55,634 --> 00:22:58,000 "What's wrong ? Are you sick ? 637 00:22:58,067 --> 00:23:01,067 "My daddy says you were Never really drunk, 638 00:23:01,133 --> 00:23:03,634 "But just a Hollywood phony. 639 00:23:03,701 --> 00:23:06,033 "I told him he was Wrong, and he beat The shit out of me. 640 00:23:06,100 --> 00:23:07,234 "Love, lamar. 641 00:23:07,300 --> 00:23:09,067 "P.S. Please start Drinking again soon." 642 00:23:09,133 --> 00:23:11,634 Ronnie, i've got 12 sacks Of these back at my office. 643 00:23:11,701 --> 00:23:13,300 Look in the mirror. 644 00:23:13,367 --> 00:23:15,000 What do you see ? 645 00:23:17,734 --> 00:23:19,534 ( Sobbing ) 646 00:23:19,601 --> 00:23:20,968 A monster ! 647 00:23:22,934 --> 00:23:24,734 But i don't care ! 648 00:23:24,801 --> 00:23:27,133 I don't care ! People don't Know how hard it is, terry. 649 00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:28,934 They don't know What it takes 650 00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:30,200 To put on these Little shows. 651 00:23:30,267 --> 00:23:31,601 I mean, jesus, bob, 652 00:23:31,667 --> 00:23:33,300 Look at our Working conditions. 653 00:23:33,367 --> 00:23:35,868 I mean, fuck, hbo spent More money on fraggle rock. 654 00:23:35,934 --> 00:23:37,267 Look at this place. 655 00:23:37,334 --> 00:23:39,167 You know, this is Supposed to be a mansion ? 656 00:23:39,234 --> 00:23:41,701 Look at this. Did steve and eydie have A yard sale or something ? 657 00:23:41,767 --> 00:23:43,234 Look at this. 658 00:23:43,300 --> 00:23:45,000 We're performing in a Restaurant, for christ's sake. 659 00:23:45,067 --> 00:23:46,968 Here, show 'em. Here. 660 00:23:47,033 --> 00:23:48,567 Look at that. Look at this, everybody. 661 00:23:48,634 --> 00:23:49,534 There it is, right there. 662 00:23:49,601 --> 00:23:51,267 "Wingdings and things. $3.50." 663 00:23:51,334 --> 00:23:52,634 Isn't the reason We're down here 664 00:23:52,701 --> 00:23:54,000 And living in this shitty city 665 00:23:54,067 --> 00:23:55,534 Because there's Studios everywhere ? 666 00:23:55,601 --> 00:23:56,667 Ok, good, all right. 667 00:23:56,734 --> 00:23:59,000 You know, i'm sorry. I'm sorry, terry, 668 00:23:59,067 --> 00:24:00,467 But ronnie dobbs Has to do 669 00:24:00,534 --> 00:24:03,234 What's best For ronnie dobbs. 670 00:24:03,300 --> 00:24:06,000 And if that means drying out With kelsey grammer, 671 00:24:06,067 --> 00:24:08,434 Then so be it. 672 00:24:08,501 --> 00:24:10,834 You know what You are, terry ? 673 00:24:10,901 --> 00:24:11,868 British ? 674 00:24:11,934 --> 00:24:13,767 You're an enabler ! 675 00:24:13,834 --> 00:24:15,767 You are an enabler ! 676 00:24:16,601 --> 00:24:18,167 Now, get out of my house ! 677 00:24:18,234 --> 00:24:20,334 Yeah, go on and leave, You british frog ! 678 00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:22,801 ( Terry ) we parted ways, and i was at a loss 679 00:24:22,868 --> 00:24:25,801 as to how i would make more money off ronnie. 680 00:24:25,868 --> 00:24:29,100 and then, a stroke of luck-- he died ! 681 00:24:29,167 --> 00:24:32,601 and i sold his life story to the movies. 682 00:24:46,267 --> 00:24:47,501 Ronnie ? 683 00:24:49,667 --> 00:24:52,100 Ronnie dobbs ? Is that you ? 684 00:24:54,133 --> 00:24:55,467 Terry... 685 00:24:55,534 --> 00:24:57,167 Ronnie, i can't Believe this. 686 00:24:57,234 --> 00:24:58,434 It is you ! 687 00:24:59,501 --> 00:25:01,901 How far We've fallen ! 688 00:25:01,968 --> 00:25:03,634 Oh, we can still Do it, ronnie-- 689 00:25:03,701 --> 00:25:04,968 You and i, Together. Come on, 690 00:25:05,033 --> 00:25:06,300 We'll buy a bottle Of cheap wine, 691 00:25:06,367 --> 00:25:07,400 We'll raise a ruckus-- 692 00:25:07,467 --> 00:25:09,067 Terry, no ! 693 00:25:09,133 --> 00:25:12,434 I did not want to have to Reveal this to you, but-- 694 00:25:12,501 --> 00:25:14,634 What's this ? A doctor's note ? 695 00:25:15,901 --> 00:25:16,801 You're dying ! 696 00:25:16,868 --> 00:25:18,501 I'm dying. 697 00:25:18,567 --> 00:25:20,634 I've got Entitilitus ! 698 00:25:20,701 --> 00:25:22,601 Damn this entitilitus ! 699 00:25:23,334 --> 00:25:24,667 How serious is it ? 700 00:25:24,734 --> 00:25:27,501 They say i could go At any minute. 701 00:25:27,567 --> 00:25:28,601 Oh ! 702 00:25:28,667 --> 00:25:29,634 No, no, i'm all right. 703 00:25:29,701 --> 00:25:30,667 I've got you. 704 00:25:30,734 --> 00:25:32,234 I'm all right. ( Chuckling ) 705 00:25:32,300 --> 00:25:33,334 Oh ! 706 00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:36,734 ( Groaning ) 707 00:25:36,801 --> 00:25:38,534 Actually, no, wait-- 708 00:25:38,601 --> 00:25:40,000 Oh, oh, god ! 709 00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:42,601 ( Laughing ) 710 00:25:42,667 --> 00:25:43,601 Oh. 711 00:25:46,667 --> 00:25:47,901 Ronnie ? 712 00:25:50,234 --> 00:25:55,267 ( Screaming ) Ronnie ! 713 00:25:57,534 --> 00:26:02,434 Ronnie ! 714 00:26:06,634 --> 00:26:09,234 ronnie ! 715 00:26:09,300 --> 00:26:11,901 My scream went on For 2 hours, 716 00:26:11,968 --> 00:26:14,934 And i set a new world Record for screaming. 717 00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:16,968 I received a letter From the president, 718 00:26:17,033 --> 00:26:21,267 And a baked carrot from the Society for unpleasant gifts. 719 00:26:21,334 --> 00:26:23,834 I opened a screaming school In upstate new york-- 720 00:26:23,901 --> 00:26:24,801 And time ! 721 00:26:24,868 --> 00:26:25,801 Really ? 722 00:26:25,868 --> 00:26:26,968 Yeah, the lady Said 30 minutes. 723 00:26:27,033 --> 00:26:29,067 All right, let's check. 724 00:26:29,133 --> 00:26:30,400 Oh, my goodness. 725 00:26:30,467 --> 00:26:32,033 ( Gasping ) Aw ! 726 00:26:32,100 --> 00:26:34,234 Oh, yay ! 727 00:26:34,300 --> 00:26:35,701 Hey, guys, Come on out ! 728 00:26:35,767 --> 00:26:37,434 Yeah, check this out. Check it out. 729 00:26:37,501 --> 00:26:38,801 Hey, the pants Worked. 730 00:26:38,868 --> 00:26:40,267 Aww ! 731 00:26:40,334 --> 00:26:41,400 Man, those pants ! 732 00:26:41,467 --> 00:26:42,667 The pants worked. 733 00:26:42,734 --> 00:26:43,968 tonight's show was brought to you 734 00:26:44,033 --> 00:26:46,167 by o'henderson's incubation pants. 735 00:26:46,234 --> 00:26:48,767 dark, warm, with plenty of "egg room." 736 00:26:48,834 --> 00:26:50,167 o'henderson's-- the pants that get you chicks ! 51132

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