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1
00:00:01,888 --> 00:00:05,278
♪ They say l might as well face the truth
2
00:00:05,328 --> 00:00:08,764
♪ That l am just too long in the tooth
3
00:00:08,808 --> 00:00:12,244
♪ So l'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4
00:00:12,288 --> 00:00:15,678
♪ But l have not yet quite gone to seed
5
00:00:15,728 --> 00:00:19,767
♪ l may be over the hillnow that l have retired
6
00:00:19,808 --> 00:00:23,084
♪ Fading away, but l'm not yet expired
7
00:00:23,128 --> 00:00:27,246
♪ Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8
00:00:27,288 --> 00:00:29,597
♪ One foot in the grave ♪
9
00:00:33,288 --> 00:00:36,963
There's a rat walking
up his garden path now.
10
00:00:38,968 --> 00:00:42,085
l could stuff a mattress
with your pubic hair.
11
00:00:47,528 --> 00:00:50,167
What do you do?
Pull it out with tweezers?
12
00:00:51,168 --> 00:00:53,443
He's stopped by the clothes prop,
13
00:00:53,488 --> 00:00:56,321
now he's turning round
and walking back down again.
14
00:00:56,368 --> 00:00:58,006
Bloody things!
15
00:00:58,048 --> 00:01:00,482
lt's just the same when l make the bed.
16
00:01:00,528 --> 00:01:03,725
lt's like sleeping
with a moulting porcupine.
17
00:01:05,688 --> 00:01:09,476
Do you have to stand on top
of the lavatory like Nelson's Column?
18
00:01:09,528 --> 00:01:12,998
Why don't you use the toilet roll
as a telescope and be done with it?
19
00:01:13,048 --> 00:01:16,120
And how do you know it's a he?
Your eyesight isn't that good.
20
00:01:17,128 --> 00:01:19,198
Hang on, he's coming out again.
21
00:01:19,248 --> 00:01:21,716
He's brought shears
to trim the honeysuckle.
22
00:01:21,768 --> 00:01:26,478
lf he so much as snips one of my sweet
peas off over that fence, l've got him!
23
00:01:26,528 --> 00:01:28,519
God almighty.
24
00:01:28,568 --> 00:01:31,128
Seven months of this, l've put up with.
25
00:01:32,128 --> 00:01:34,403
What happened happened.
26
00:01:34,448 --> 00:01:38,680
Why can't you both let it rest instead of
behaving like you're at infant school?
27
00:01:38,728 --> 00:01:41,845
l am not behaving
as if l am at infant school!
28
00:01:44,968 --> 00:01:47,960
ln any case, he started it.
29
00:01:49,488 --> 00:01:53,800
When your neighbour mows down your
garden gnomes with a machine gun,
30
00:01:53,848 --> 00:01:55,884
it's not something you quickly forget.
31
00:01:55,928 --> 00:01:59,045
Worse than a couple
of feuding cowboys.
32
00:01:59,968 --> 00:02:04,598
l've seen you trying to train Mrs Lacey's
cat to be sick on his rockery.
33
00:02:05,608 --> 00:02:07,087
Who did?
34
00:02:07,128 --> 00:02:10,404
Demonstrating how to stick
a paw down its throat.
35
00:02:10,448 --> 00:02:13,804
l've never known anyone be so petty.
36
00:02:13,848 --> 00:02:18,205
l was not... ln any case, which of us
keeps leaving little yellow Post-it Notes
37
00:02:18,248 --> 00:02:20,204
on the back gate every five minutes?
38
00:02:20,248 --> 00:02:23,524
lf we're talking about petty,
what about these?
39
00:02:25,528 --> 00:02:27,280
''Lawnmower too loud.''
40
00:02:28,848 --> 00:02:31,282
''Creosote splash found on lupins.''
41
00:02:32,968 --> 00:02:36,278
''For Christ's sake,
put some oil on that wheelbarrow.''
42
00:02:36,328 --> 00:02:39,240
l don't believe
you've actually stuck those in a book.
43
00:02:40,408 --> 00:02:42,000
And don't forget this!
44
00:02:42,048 --> 00:02:45,597
Laying a tripwire so l'd fall flat
on my face in his wet cement.
45
00:02:45,648 --> 00:02:47,718
Oh, for God's sake.
46
00:02:47,768 --> 00:02:50,646
l heard him laughing at me
through the letter box,
47
00:02:50,688 --> 00:02:55,318
laughing and whispering,
''Got you, you bastard!'' under his breath.
48
00:02:57,168 --> 00:02:58,840
Tripwire?
49
00:02:58,888 --> 00:03:02,961
That's where he lined
the edge of his path with twine.
50
00:03:03,008 --> 00:03:05,966
Hah! Talk about paranoid.
51
00:03:06,008 --> 00:03:09,921
Anyway, it serves you right for trying
to take a short cut across his grass.
52
00:03:09,968 --> 00:03:12,084
lf you were looking
where you were going,
53
00:03:12,128 --> 00:03:16,804
instead of walking about with your nose
stuck in that video magazine...
54
00:03:16,848 --> 00:03:18,998
He's lighting a bonfire.
55
00:03:19,048 --> 00:03:23,838
Quick, put some washing out, then
l can leave him a bloody Post-it Note.
56
00:03:30,208 --> 00:03:35,202
Oh, there's a letter for them. Somebody
got the wrong number evidently.
57
00:03:36,568 --> 00:03:38,399
Give that back here!
58
00:03:38,448 --> 00:03:40,439
For God's sake, Victor.
59
00:03:40,488 --> 00:03:43,446
l have had about enough of this,
l have, straight!
60
00:03:44,448 --> 00:03:46,723
Look. You can take this round to him,
61
00:03:46,768 --> 00:03:49,487
it'll give you a chance to apologise
to each other
62
00:03:49,528 --> 00:03:51,883
and bury the blasted hatchet,
the pair of you.
63
00:03:51,928 --> 00:03:55,284
Otherwise, l'm leaving home.
And l mean it.
64
00:03:55,328 --> 00:03:57,922
l'm not traipsing round there
like a message boy.
65
00:03:57,968 --> 00:04:00,846
lf he wants his mail,
he can come and get it.
66
00:04:12,048 --> 00:04:14,198
There, you wanted evidence, there it is.
67
00:04:14,248 --> 00:04:17,843
One diseased marigold stalk
covered in black fly.
68
00:04:17,888 --> 00:04:21,164
- Patrick!
- Smack in the middle of the floribunda.
69
00:04:21,208 --> 00:04:23,642
You're not going to tell me
it floated there?
70
00:04:23,688 --> 00:04:26,282
You always have to think
the worst of people.
71
00:04:26,328 --> 00:04:29,047
lt's no coincidence that these things
72
00:04:29,088 --> 00:04:32,398
only started raining down on our garden
last Monday
73
00:04:32,448 --> 00:04:36,361
after the World ln Action special
on biological warfare.
74
00:04:36,408 --> 00:04:38,968
Look at the mess
he wilfully made of our front path
75
00:04:39,008 --> 00:04:42,125
after l spent three hours
getting the bloody thing level.
76
00:04:42,168 --> 00:04:44,159
- (Sighs)
- Are you OK?
77
00:04:45,248 --> 00:04:48,126
- Has it come yet?
- Just more bills.
78
00:04:48,168 --> 00:04:52,161
lt's academic anyway,
as far as l'm concerned.
79
00:04:52,208 --> 00:04:54,403
Do you have to keep writing
those things?
80
00:04:54,448 --> 00:04:56,916
The man is a cretin, dear,
of the highest order.
81
00:04:56,968 --> 00:05:00,119
l knew it the first time we went
to see him. He made us a cup of tea
82
00:05:00,168 --> 00:05:03,444
and then tried to force
us at knife-point to get into his bed.
83
00:05:03,488 --> 00:05:05,479
What planet is he from?
84
00:05:28,608 --> 00:05:30,917
- Yes?
- Oh, er...
85
00:05:30,968 --> 00:05:34,244
This letter came through our door by...
86
00:05:35,288 --> 00:05:37,597
Oh, right. Thank you.
87
00:05:40,528 --> 00:05:42,758
l um...
88
00:05:42,808 --> 00:05:44,480
Yes, Mr Meldrew?
89
00:05:46,688 --> 00:05:48,883
You're going to fill this in then, are you?
90
00:05:48,928 --> 00:05:52,284
No, l thought about leaving it,
like Hollywood Boulevard.
91
00:05:52,328 --> 00:05:55,604
The impressions of glittering
neighbours' faces in concrete.
92
00:05:55,648 --> 00:06:02,724
Oh, well. lt's nice to find you being
so reasonable about it all, l must say.
93
00:06:02,768 --> 00:06:06,681
Reasonable, Mr Meldrew?
l mean, what is reasonable these days?
94
00:06:06,728 --> 00:06:09,322
To find outside one's house,
l don't know,
95
00:06:09,368 --> 00:06:11,836
a pile of horse manure
covered in fairy lights?
96
00:06:11,888 --> 00:06:15,244
- Who's to say?
- What's that supposed to mean?
97
00:06:21,208 --> 00:06:25,520
By anyone's standards, it's not exactly
Sleeping Beauty's castle, is it?
98
00:06:25,568 --> 00:06:28,207
How long has it been there?
40 days and 40 nights?
99
00:06:28,248 --> 00:06:30,716
Three days and three nights,
since you ask.
100
00:06:30,768 --> 00:06:32,440
Funny, felt longer.
101
00:06:33,488 --> 00:06:35,763
At least it's clearly signposted,
102
00:06:35,808 --> 00:06:39,960
so people don't go accidentally
sprawling headfirst into it.
103
00:06:40,008 --> 00:06:41,726
ls that what they're there for?
104
00:06:41,768 --> 00:06:45,522
l thought it was some jubilee celebration
for the fertilizer industry.
105
00:06:45,568 --> 00:06:48,287
l don't have to justify my actions to you.
106
00:06:48,328 --> 00:06:50,284
Next time, pick up your own mail.
107
00:06:50,328 --> 00:06:56,119
And another thing, if l find one more of
those bloody stupid little yellow notes,
108
00:06:56,168 --> 00:06:58,807
l may not be responsible for my actions.
109
00:07:01,168 --> 00:07:03,045
Nice chatting with you, Mr Meldrew.
110
00:07:07,328 --> 00:07:09,319
(Music and applause on TV)
111
00:07:12,848 --> 00:07:14,839
Crap!
112
00:07:17,208 --> 00:07:20,837
The state of British television today
can be summed up in two words -
113
00:07:20,888 --> 00:07:23,038
Jeremy Beadle.
114
00:07:24,048 --> 00:07:27,324
l'm ready for
that ham and mushroom now.
115
00:07:27,368 --> 00:07:32,317
lt's my belief that Paul Daniels and
Jeremy Beadle are the same person,
116
00:07:32,368 --> 00:07:34,677
like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
117
00:07:34,728 --> 00:07:36,684
Notice you never see them together.
118
00:07:36,728 --> 00:07:38,639
Which one's Mr Hyde?
119
00:07:38,688 --> 00:07:41,361
Which one do you think?
120
00:07:41,408 --> 00:07:44,480
Just imagine the horror
if they lost the antidote.
121
00:07:44,528 --> 00:07:47,645
They'd have to send in the mob
with burning torches.
122
00:07:47,688 --> 00:07:50,248
What the hell's this when it's at home?
123
00:07:51,768 --> 00:07:53,326
(Victor) Sorry?
124
00:07:53,368 --> 00:07:57,884
Dressing? lt's more like
an environmental disaster.
125
00:07:57,928 --> 00:07:59,839
lt never ceases to amaze me
126
00:07:59,888 --> 00:08:03,278
the things that people seem
to want to watch these days.
127
00:08:03,328 --> 00:08:06,047
When was it? Wednesday in the week.
128
00:08:06,088 --> 00:08:11,037
Thought l'd see that film about
the Kray brothers, kill a couple of hours.
129
00:08:11,088 --> 00:08:13,318
- Good, was it?
- lt was very good.
130
00:08:13,368 --> 00:08:17,839
lf you enjoy seeing people's hands being
secured to the pocket of a billiard table.
131
00:08:17,888 --> 00:08:21,642
Very good in the area
of people's eyes being gouged out.
132
00:08:22,648 --> 00:08:24,604
There l am, squirming in my seat.
133
00:08:24,648 --> 00:08:28,926
There's this young bimbo behind me,
cackling her head off.
134
00:08:28,968 --> 00:08:32,722
- Why didn't you just leave the cinema?
- Leave the cinema?
135
00:08:32,768 --> 00:08:36,044
l was sitting here
watching it on the video.
136
00:08:36,088 --> 00:08:40,764
Said her name was Cheryl, she'd just
called back for the cosmetics catalogue.
137
00:08:40,808 --> 00:08:45,324
Let herself in by the back door and
had been watching it over my shoulder.
138
00:08:45,368 --> 00:08:47,598
Then she'd the nerve
to ask me to spool back
139
00:08:47,648 --> 00:08:51,880
to the bit where the bloke has
his mouth sliced open with a sword.
140
00:08:51,928 --> 00:08:54,123
Said that was one of her favourite bits.
141
00:08:54,168 --> 00:08:59,367
That's the mentality of the people
trying to sell you pore-cleansing fluid.
142
00:09:00,488 --> 00:09:02,604
What's that you're eating?
143
00:09:02,648 --> 00:09:04,639
Sorry?
144
00:09:04,688 --> 00:09:07,885
Since when do l have this monstrosity?
145
00:09:08,888 --> 00:09:13,200
Sardines and hot chillis
with added pineapple.
146
00:09:19,608 --> 00:09:21,599
Oh, sorry.
147
00:09:27,848 --> 00:09:32,876
God, it's like watching one of those
crushers on the back of a dustcart.
148
00:09:36,168 --> 00:09:38,045
Talking of Jeremy Beadle,
149
00:09:38,088 --> 00:09:43,162
l had three more complaints about that
horse manure when l was out today.
150
00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:46,564
Talk about getting up a petition about it
in the post office.
151
00:09:46,608 --> 00:09:50,362
lt's only a pile of horse manure,
it's not going to bite anyone.
152
00:09:50,408 --> 00:09:52,478
Said if it's there much longer,
153
00:09:52,528 --> 00:09:56,760
they'll have to start putting it
on the Ordnance Survey maps.
154
00:09:58,168 --> 00:10:00,523
No wonder you upset the neighbours.
155
00:10:00,568 --> 00:10:04,322
l don't understand why
it had to come here in the first place.
156
00:10:04,368 --> 00:10:07,724
Why couldn't he deliver it
to the allotment round the corner?
157
00:10:07,768 --> 00:10:10,566
He didn't speak very good English,
unfortunately.
158
00:10:10,608 --> 00:10:15,159
He'd only really mastered four words.
''Horse manure'' and ''20 quid''.
159
00:10:17,488 --> 00:10:20,844
He looked more East European
than anything else.
160
00:10:20,888 --> 00:10:22,879
l didn't like the look of him,
161
00:10:22,928 --> 00:10:26,841
walking round dressed
like Abraham Lincoln in gumboots.
162
00:10:26,888 --> 00:10:30,085
You buy horse manure
from any old Tom, Dick, or Harry,
163
00:10:30,128 --> 00:10:32,688
you don't know where it's been.
164
00:10:36,208 --> 00:10:40,679
Don't know where it's been?
You know exactly where it's been.
165
00:10:40,728 --> 00:10:42,400
Up a horse.
166
00:10:44,248 --> 00:10:48,036
l'll take it to the allotment tomorrow,
when l get back from the doctor,
167
00:10:48,088 --> 00:10:51,046
so the nation can sleep easy
in their beds again.
168
00:10:51,088 --> 00:10:54,000
Well, before you do,
you'd better take Patrick's advice
169
00:10:54,048 --> 00:10:57,518
- and oil that squeaky wheelbarrow.
- Yes.
170
00:10:57,568 --> 00:11:02,244
Well, never need to worry about
a squeaky salad, that's for sure.
171
00:11:05,088 --> 00:11:07,079
(Phone)
172
00:11:07,128 --> 00:11:09,119
(Babies cry)
173
00:11:11,608 --> 00:11:16,762
Watson, Kebble-Kepplit and Partners.
Can l help you? ls it an emergency?
174
00:11:16,808 --> 00:11:20,278
Mrs Romiz to Dr Neeben. Mrs Romiz.
175
00:11:20,328 --> 00:11:24,367
Friday at 10:20. Right, thank you. Bye.
176
00:11:24,408 --> 00:11:26,638
- Excuse me...
- One second, please.
177
00:11:26,688 --> 00:11:29,646
Watson, Kebble-Kepplit and Partners.
Can l help you?
178
00:11:29,688 --> 00:11:33,681
l'm afraid he died last week in his sleep.
We did write to everyone.
179
00:11:33,728 --> 00:11:35,923
ls it an emergency?
180
00:11:35,968 --> 00:11:38,357
Oh, dear. Well, if it's hanging off,
181
00:11:38,408 --> 00:11:42,401
l think you'd best go up to casualty,
just to be on the safe side.
182
00:11:42,448 --> 00:11:46,282
Kevin Spybie for Dr Sesapeski.
Kevin Spybie.
183
00:11:46,328 --> 00:11:48,762
That's right. You're welcome. Bye.
184
00:11:48,808 --> 00:11:53,086
Sorry, sir. Watson, Kebble-Kepplit
and Partners. Can l help you?
185
00:11:53,128 --> 00:11:56,723
Mr Scottie to the treatment room,
Mr Scottie.
186
00:11:56,768 --> 00:12:00,443
Mrs Patterson for Dr Yip, Mrs Patterson.
187
00:12:00,488 --> 00:12:03,924
Right. Uh-huh. ls it an emergency?
188
00:12:04,928 --> 00:12:08,364
Tomorrow at four? OK, lovely. Bye.
189
00:12:08,408 --> 00:12:11,878
- Excuse me, please.
- Yes, sir. You're Mr...?
190
00:12:11,928 --> 00:12:14,396
Meldrew. l just tried to...
191
00:12:14,448 --> 00:12:16,643
Watson, Kebble-Kepplit and Partners.
192
00:12:16,688 --> 00:12:21,603
l'm afraid Dr Kebble-Kepplit is on holiday
this week. ls it an emergency?
193
00:12:22,848 --> 00:12:26,523
l've got a cancellation
for Dr Pondicherry at five.
194
00:12:27,528 --> 00:12:32,238
Yes, you do. The one that looks
like Doberman in Sergeant Bilko.
195
00:12:32,288 --> 00:12:35,360
All right, if you'd rather. Bye.
196
00:12:35,408 --> 00:12:40,436
l've just come to pick up a prescription.
Victor Meldrew from Dr Snelgrove.
197
00:12:40,488 --> 00:12:43,764
Mr Chandrasekar to Dr Trilling,
Mr Chandrasekar.
198
00:12:43,808 --> 00:12:47,596
And Sharon Chumley to the treatment
room, Sharon Chumley.
199
00:12:47,648 --> 00:12:49,923
Dr Snelgrove had to go to a wedding.
200
00:12:49,968 --> 00:12:53,643
l think we were passing
most of her patients to Dr Watson.
201
00:12:53,688 --> 00:12:56,760
Where's he gone? To look for
the Hound of the Baskervilles?
202
00:12:56,808 --> 00:13:00,039
Might as well have Dr Doolittle,
or Dr Joseph Goebbels.
203
00:13:00,088 --> 00:13:04,206
l've got a note here, but l don't think
he's done your prescription yet.
204
00:13:04,248 --> 00:13:09,720
l'll just check for you. Naseem, did
that prescription come through at all?
205
00:13:09,768 --> 00:13:12,487
- For Mr Meldrew's haemorrhoids?
- (Phone)
206
00:13:12,528 --> 00:13:14,962
She's just checking for you, sir.
207
00:13:15,008 --> 00:13:18,398
Watson, Kebble-Kepplit and Partners.
Can l help you?
208
00:13:19,928 --> 00:13:21,725
Sorry?
209
00:13:21,768 --> 00:13:24,805
Yes, he's standing right next to me
as a matter of fact.
210
00:13:24,848 --> 00:13:28,921
Somebody asking when you're going
to shift a pile of manure.
211
00:13:28,968 --> 00:13:31,482
ls it an emergency?
212
00:13:53,768 --> 00:13:56,566
Morning, Mrs Meldrew.
213
00:13:57,168 --> 00:13:59,762
- Morning.
- ls it me, or is it moist?
214
00:14:01,768 --> 00:14:03,440
Sorry?
215
00:14:03,488 --> 00:14:05,877
Oh, it is a bit on the humid side today.
216
00:14:06,888 --> 00:14:09,561
- Did you have a nice weekend?
- Lovely, thank you.
217
00:14:09,608 --> 00:14:12,566
- Where did you go to in the end?
- To hospital.
218
00:14:12,608 --> 00:14:14,883
l'm afraid
Granny took a turn for the worse,
219
00:14:14,928 --> 00:14:18,079
so l had to run Mother up there
on a sudden mercy dash.
220
00:14:18,128 --> 00:14:19,720
Which was a little fraught.
221
00:14:19,768 --> 00:14:23,044
Her wheelchair accidentally locked
into high-speed reverse
222
00:14:23,088 --> 00:14:26,364
and she went on a mystery tour
of the Clement Atlee wing.
223
00:14:27,088 --> 00:14:28,760
Took an hour and a half to find her
224
00:14:28,808 --> 00:14:31,845
and by then she'd gate-crashed
three hysterectomies,
225
00:14:31,888 --> 00:14:33,799
so a bit of a day, all in all.
226
00:14:33,848 --> 00:14:36,760
So how is your grandmother now?
227
00:14:36,808 --> 00:14:39,720
Not giving any cause for concern
or anything?
228
00:14:39,768 --> 00:14:42,680
Oh, no, no. Not now she's dead.
229
00:14:44,368 --> 00:14:49,203
Well, she was 93 and they reckon
it was a broken bone that finally did it.
230
00:14:49,248 --> 00:14:51,603
Oh, dear.
231
00:14:51,648 --> 00:14:54,082
Didn't know
you could die of a broken bone.
232
00:14:54,128 --> 00:14:57,677
Well, you can when it's stuck
in your windpipe, apparently.
233
00:14:57,728 --> 00:15:01,323
She was always a great one
for gnawing on chicken carcasses.
234
00:15:01,368 --> 00:15:03,802
lt's just one of those things, l suppose.
235
00:15:03,848 --> 00:15:09,081
Funeral's tomorrow. Don't think Mother's
looking forward to it. Are you, Mother?
236
00:15:09,128 --> 00:15:12,723
Mrs Meldrew said she was very sorry
to hear the tragic news.
237
00:15:13,808 --> 00:15:17,198
How's Mr Meldrew? Getting on all right
with his new allotment?
238
00:15:17,248 --> 00:15:21,082
Funny, l always think about it when
l pass his horse manure in the mornings.
239
00:15:21,128 --> 00:15:23,119
Oh, yes.
240
00:15:23,168 --> 00:15:26,205
Yes, he seems to be getting
quite into it now.
241
00:15:26,248 --> 00:15:28,637
Given him a bit of interest in life at last.
242
00:15:29,648 --> 00:15:33,436
l'm sorry, Mr Swainey, you'll have to
excuse me. l've got some potatoes on.
243
00:15:33,488 --> 00:15:35,240
Oh, no, don't let them spoil.
244
00:15:35,288 --> 00:15:40,282
l'm very sorry about your grandmother
and...l must dash.
245
00:15:40,328 --> 00:15:42,319
See you, Mrs Meldrew.
246
00:15:44,048 --> 00:15:46,721
Where have you been? Timbuktu?
247
00:15:46,768 --> 00:15:50,397
Don't! An hour and a bloody quarter
l had to wait in that bloody place
248
00:15:50,448 --> 00:15:52,279
for a simple repeat prescription.
249
00:15:52,328 --> 00:15:55,365
l haven't had a chance
to get to the chemist's.
250
00:15:55,408 --> 00:15:57,399
Could you get it when you're out?
251
00:15:57,448 --> 00:16:01,680
lf l don't move that manure,
they'll be lynching me from a lamppost.
252
00:16:01,728 --> 00:16:03,127
Wonderful, isn't it?
253
00:16:03,168 --> 00:16:06,683
The health service is at breaking point,
three million unemployed,
254
00:16:06,728 --> 00:16:09,800
you'd think people would find
better things to moan about.
255
00:16:09,848 --> 00:16:11,406
(Sizzling)
256
00:16:11,448 --> 00:16:13,439
ls something burning in here?
257
00:16:17,008 --> 00:16:18,805
(Squeaking)
258
00:17:18,088 --> 00:17:20,044
Afternoon.
259
00:17:20,088 --> 00:17:22,397
Mr Meldrew, is it?
260
00:17:22,448 --> 00:17:23,676
Yes.
261
00:17:23,728 --> 00:17:25,719
l won't shake hands.
262
00:17:25,768 --> 00:17:29,283
Dr Mervin Mile.
l believe you were expecting me.
263
00:17:29,328 --> 00:17:34,083
- Sorry?
- l need to carry out a couple of tests.
264
00:17:34,128 --> 00:17:35,686
lt won't take a jiffy.
265
00:17:38,088 --> 00:17:40,966
What? ln the middle of an allotment?
266
00:17:41,008 --> 00:17:43,966
Got a couple of ticks, have you?
267
00:17:44,968 --> 00:17:48,199
l haven't, no.
They found my prescription in the end,
268
00:17:48,248 --> 00:17:51,638
in a copy of Smash Hits
on the waiting room table.
269
00:17:51,688 --> 00:17:55,124
No, no, no, Mr Meldrew,
l'm not that sort of doctor.
270
00:17:55,168 --> 00:17:57,159
l'm from the Borough Council.
271
00:17:57,208 --> 00:17:59,961
Health And Public Safety Department.
272
00:18:00,008 --> 00:18:02,841
l thought my office
had already contacted you.
273
00:18:02,888 --> 00:18:05,004
About what?
274
00:18:05,048 --> 00:18:09,405
Nothing you need concern yourself
about, Mr Meldrew. Nothing at all.
275
00:18:09,448 --> 00:18:12,997
Now then, this is the manure here, is it?
276
00:18:17,968 --> 00:18:20,163
What are you doing?
277
00:18:20,208 --> 00:18:23,120
You bought this
from a gentleman last week, l gather?
278
00:18:23,168 --> 00:18:26,843
Black beard, long black coat,
bit of a foreign accent?
279
00:18:26,888 --> 00:18:29,527
Yes. What about it? What's the problem?
280
00:18:31,608 --> 00:18:36,363
For goodness' sake, tell me,
what's wrong with my horse manure?
281
00:18:36,408 --> 00:18:41,198
Don't be silly, Margaret. l was just doing
a stocktake on my vitamins.
282
00:18:41,248 --> 00:18:46,003
Patrick's at work, so,
no, it's very convenient.
283
00:18:47,008 --> 00:18:50,045
l just thought l ought to make amends.
284
00:18:50,088 --> 00:18:52,397
Oh, you don't have to.
285
00:18:52,448 --> 00:18:55,724
Mine's as bad. They deserve each other.
286
00:18:55,768 --> 00:19:00,080
You'd think two fully-grown men would
be more tolerant, more forgiving.
287
00:19:00,128 --> 00:19:01,720
Would you?
288
00:19:01,768 --> 00:19:04,236
No. l suppose you wouldn't really.
289
00:19:07,848 --> 00:19:09,759
You swear by all this, do you?
290
00:19:09,808 --> 00:19:12,038
Oh, that's Patrick's ginseng.
291
00:19:12,088 --> 00:19:16,081
He takes it to reverse
the ageing process.
292
00:19:16,128 --> 00:19:17,720
Does it work?
293
00:19:17,768 --> 00:19:21,044
Well, in that he's acting
like a five-year-old...
294
00:19:22,048 --> 00:19:25,484
Course, he's always had
a childish side to his nature,
295
00:19:25,528 --> 00:19:28,725
except when he was a child,
oddly enough.
296
00:19:28,768 --> 00:19:31,726
l don't know what to do
about him and Victor.
297
00:19:31,768 --> 00:19:35,886
lt's one thing to call someone a tosspot
to their face,
298
00:19:35,928 --> 00:19:41,207
but when you go to the lengths of having
it iced on a Thorntons Easter egg,
299
00:19:41,248 --> 00:19:44,558
l think it's got beyond a joke.
300
00:19:46,328 --> 00:19:49,286
He did put a card in the post as well.
301
00:19:49,328 --> 00:19:54,880
No name or address on the envelope,
just the words 'To that cretin in the cap.'
302
00:19:55,888 --> 00:19:58,721
l suppose it helped him
to let off steam at the time.
303
00:19:58,768 --> 00:19:59,883
Yes.
304
00:19:59,928 --> 00:20:02,488
The irony is, we received it.
305
00:20:03,488 --> 00:20:06,446
About the quickest
a letter's ever got to us, l think.
306
00:20:06,488 --> 00:20:08,479
There we are.
307
00:20:08,528 --> 00:20:12,282
Get that down your neck,
soothe away all your troubles.
308
00:20:12,328 --> 00:20:15,798
Camomile, tilia, lemongrass and jasmine.
309
00:20:16,808 --> 00:20:19,083
Mind, it's a bit hot.
310
00:20:19,128 --> 00:20:21,722
Maybe Victor could do
with dietary supplements.
311
00:20:21,768 --> 00:20:27,445
- What sort of things does he eat?
- Anything, of any sort or description.
312
00:20:27,488 --> 00:20:31,242
ln the most hideous
and disgusting combinations.
313
00:20:31,288 --> 00:20:33,802
Food you wouldn't put
in the same cupboard,
314
00:20:33,848 --> 00:20:36,920
he would happily slice up together
on his Weetabix.
315
00:20:36,968 --> 00:20:41,598
lt's like watching nonstop junk mail
going through a letter box.
316
00:20:41,648 --> 00:20:43,878
l think he lost
all sense of taste years ago.
317
00:20:43,928 --> 00:20:45,998
- Stomach like a bin liner?
- Mm.
318
00:20:46,048 --> 00:20:49,484
This is nice.
You get this at the health-food shop?
319
00:20:49,528 --> 00:20:53,237
Two spoonfuls to calm you down,
three and you sleep like a top.
320
00:20:54,248 --> 00:20:56,808
God, you're well stocked up.
321
00:20:56,848 --> 00:21:00,477
Well, need all the vitamins l can get
from now on, l'm afraid.
322
00:21:00,528 --> 00:21:02,359
Why's that?
323
00:21:03,368 --> 00:21:04,642
Pippa!
324
00:21:04,688 --> 00:21:07,122
lron, zinc, magnesium.
325
00:21:07,168 --> 00:21:09,762
Patrick's got this vision
of the doctor saying,
326
00:21:09,808 --> 00:21:13,767
''Congratulations, it's Metal Mickey!''
327
00:21:14,768 --> 00:21:18,204
You must be thrilled. Congratulations.
328
00:21:18,248 --> 00:21:23,880
Well, l'm not sure thrilled is the word.
lt wasn't exactly planned.
329
00:21:23,928 --> 00:21:27,557
l know l'm supposed to be
all glowing and maternal,
330
00:21:27,608 --> 00:21:30,725
but when you look round
at the state of things,
331
00:21:30,768 --> 00:21:34,681
l don't think life is something
l'd wish on my worst enemy.
332
00:21:35,688 --> 00:21:38,805
And you never know
what you're bringing into the world.
333
00:21:38,848 --> 00:21:42,204
Look at the people
who started out as babies.
334
00:21:43,208 --> 00:21:47,406
Hitler, Dr Crippen.
335
00:21:47,448 --> 00:21:51,487
Oh, you wait till it's born.
lt'll be a treasure.
336
00:21:51,528 --> 00:21:54,838
You just wonder these days
what kind of a start that is in life,
337
00:21:54,888 --> 00:21:57,163
to be the child of a bus driver.
338
00:21:57,208 --> 00:21:59,597
l did think about packing it in.
339
00:21:59,648 --> 00:22:04,358
But Patrick said he could always work
more from home and look after it for me,
340
00:22:04,408 --> 00:22:06,763
the way his business
has been going lately.
341
00:22:06,808 --> 00:22:10,642
You've just got your
postnatal depression a bit early.
342
00:22:10,688 --> 00:22:14,647
lt'll be the most wonderful that
ever happened. You won't want to stop.
343
00:22:14,688 --> 00:22:17,441
Well, we'll see, l suppose.
344
00:22:17,488 --> 00:22:19,797
Have some more tea.
345
00:22:21,128 --> 00:22:23,119
(Crackling)
346
00:22:26,088 --> 00:22:30,525
No, no, no, no. Nothing to worry
about here, Mr Meldrew.
347
00:22:30,568 --> 00:22:32,160
You can rest assured of that.
348
00:22:32,208 --> 00:22:34,642
Stop telling me
l've nothing to worry about,
349
00:22:34,688 --> 00:22:37,327
you're making me extremely worried.
350
00:22:37,368 --> 00:22:39,086
What's all this about?
351
00:22:39,128 --> 00:22:41,278
No danger of gamma rays, or anything.
352
00:22:41,328 --> 00:22:44,479
You can put your mind at rest
on that one.
353
00:22:44,528 --> 00:22:47,486
Gamma rays?
354
00:22:47,528 --> 00:22:52,318
lt makes you wonder how these cowboys
get hold of the ruddy stuff, doesn't it?
355
00:22:52,368 --> 00:22:57,522
l don't know. Course, the stables have
all been closed down for the time being.
356
00:22:57,568 --> 00:23:01,083
They're not certain the contamination
levels were significant,
357
00:23:01,128 --> 00:23:05,644
but you can't be too careful when you're
next to a nuclear reactor plant, can you?
358
00:23:05,688 --> 00:23:08,919
All this is just by way
of a precaution really.
359
00:23:08,968 --> 00:23:10,959
Nuclear reactor plant?
360
00:23:11,008 --> 00:23:14,284
What contamination levels?
Contamination levels of what?
361
00:23:14,328 --> 00:23:19,766
By rights, all this manure should've been
seized by the Ministry of Agriculture.
362
00:23:19,808 --> 00:23:24,677
Not driven halfway across the country
so any idiot could just buy the...
363
00:23:24,728 --> 00:23:27,162
- What is it?
- Look at that.
364
00:23:27,208 --> 00:23:29,438
Where the hell did that come from?
365
00:23:29,488 --> 00:23:33,481
Looks like a piece of fairy light
off a Christmas tree.
366
00:23:33,528 --> 00:23:36,998
What are you trying to tell me?
ls it dangerous?
367
00:23:37,048 --> 00:23:39,039
Oh, no, no, no.
368
00:23:39,088 --> 00:23:42,763
You're talking a mere
4.3 micro-microcuries.
369
00:23:42,808 --> 00:23:45,242
- Am l?
- Oh, yes.
370
00:23:45,288 --> 00:23:49,201
Well below permitted levels.
Well below permitted levels.
371
00:23:49,248 --> 00:23:51,523
Although still more than normal.
372
00:23:51,568 --> 00:23:53,843
Right, as l say,
373
00:23:53,888 --> 00:23:58,166
there's nothing you should concern
yourself about here, Mr Meldrew.
374
00:23:58,208 --> 00:23:59,926
Have a Mars bar.
375
00:24:02,128 --> 00:24:06,041
''Have a Mars bar?''
What kind of advice is that?
376
00:24:06,088 --> 00:24:10,684
l'm standing here with an allotment
covered in radioactive horse shit
377
00:24:10,728 --> 00:24:13,003
and all you can say is,
''Have a Mars bar''?
378
00:24:15,728 --> 00:24:18,845
What am l supposed to do now,
for God's sake?
379
00:24:18,888 --> 00:24:21,322
Well, if l were you,
l'd forget all about it.
380
00:24:21,368 --> 00:24:25,043
- Would you?
- Yeah. lt really isn't significant.
381
00:24:25,088 --> 00:24:29,240
lt's just it's our duty to check up
on these things, that's all.
382
00:24:31,088 --> 00:24:33,761
Are you absolutely positive it's safe?
383
00:24:34,808 --> 00:24:39,359
The radiation levels
are absolutely miniscule, Mr Meldrew.
384
00:24:39,408 --> 00:24:43,321
- Look, you see this digital watch?
- Yes.
385
00:24:43,368 --> 00:24:47,759
l can get you one of these at half price,
if you're interested.
386
00:24:47,808 --> 00:24:50,276
A mate brings them in
from the Continent at cost.
387
00:24:50,328 --> 00:24:52,125
There's a ladies' model too.
388
00:24:52,168 --> 00:24:53,965
Think about it and give me a ring.
389
00:24:54,968 --> 00:24:58,119
Well, bye, then, Mr Meldrew.
390
00:24:58,168 --> 00:25:00,477
Oh, for God's sake, stop worrying.
391
00:25:00,528 --> 00:25:03,520
You'll end up a complete nervous wreck.
392
00:25:03,568 --> 00:25:05,559
Yes, right.
393
00:25:05,608 --> 00:25:07,439
Stop worrying.
394
00:25:09,488 --> 00:25:14,039
l'm never buying anything from anyone
who comes to the door ever again.
395
00:25:14,088 --> 00:25:16,727
- Said that would happen, didn't l?
- What?
396
00:25:16,768 --> 00:25:18,884
lf you cut your nails on a Sunday.
397
00:25:19,888 --> 00:25:22,004
Yes. l distinctly remember you saying,
398
00:25:22,048 --> 00:25:26,326
''Watch out, someone's going to palm
you off with radioactive horse droppings
399
00:25:26,368 --> 00:25:29,838
''from the Sizewell B Riding Academy.''
lt happens every day.
400
00:25:29,888 --> 00:25:31,879
l said you'd have bad luck.
401
00:25:32,888 --> 00:25:34,799
When do l have good luck?
402
00:25:34,848 --> 00:25:37,237
He said
there was nothing to worry about,
403
00:25:37,288 --> 00:25:40,280
- so what are you worried about?
- What am l worried about?
404
00:25:40,328 --> 00:25:43,525
That the hairs are going to fall
out of my gooseberries.
405
00:25:43,568 --> 00:25:45,479
Don't know what it could lead to.
406
00:25:45,528 --> 00:25:49,680
l'd already forked in three
wheelbarrowfuls when he arrived.
407
00:25:49,728 --> 00:25:55,246
l just don't know why everything you do
has to end up as a three-act bloody...
408
00:25:58,608 --> 00:26:00,917
What the bloody hell's this?
409
00:26:00,968 --> 00:26:06,281
That is my hairstyling mousse,
when you've quite finished!
410
00:26:08,448 --> 00:26:13,158
- Should be more clearly marked.
- You'll be more clearly marked soon.
411
00:26:25,808 --> 00:26:27,799
Pippa's having a baby.
412
00:26:28,848 --> 00:26:31,157
Pippa is?
413
00:26:31,208 --> 00:26:33,005
Why is that so strange?
414
00:26:33,048 --> 00:26:35,357
l didn't think she had room for one.
415
00:26:39,888 --> 00:26:41,879
What's that supposed to mean?
416
00:26:41,928 --> 00:26:46,319
l mean, don't they use
their spare bedroom as an office?
417
00:26:46,368 --> 00:26:49,405
She admitted it wasn't exactly planned.
418
00:26:50,408 --> 00:26:53,241
Seems a bit down in the dumps
about it at the moment.
419
00:26:53,288 --> 00:26:55,040
l'm sure that'll pass.
420
00:26:55,088 --> 00:26:58,603
Must be a bit of a worry,
when you stop to think about it.
421
00:26:58,648 --> 00:27:00,957
What you might be unleashing
on the world.
422
00:27:01,008 --> 00:27:04,603
Could grow up into anything,
could be one of the Kray brothers.
423
00:27:04,648 --> 00:27:06,639
Or Jeremy Beadle.
424
00:27:10,488 --> 00:27:13,685
One more noise to worry about
on a Sunday, l suppose.
425
00:27:13,728 --> 00:27:17,038
- l suppose so.
- Right, that's me.
426
00:27:18,368 --> 00:27:21,724
- You were an accident.
- Yes, l expect so.
427
00:27:21,768 --> 00:27:26,046
- l brought you a glass of water up.
- Right, thanks!
428
00:27:31,048 --> 00:27:33,039
What did you say?
429
00:27:33,088 --> 00:27:35,841
- When?
- You said l was an accident.
430
00:27:37,248 --> 00:27:39,637
- What about it?
- Who told you that?
431
00:27:39,688 --> 00:27:42,760
Your father told me
at our wedding reception.
432
00:27:42,808 --> 00:27:45,322
Said you were
a complete and total mistake,
433
00:27:45,368 --> 00:27:50,158
the result of a careless oversight
on their first night in Skegness.
434
00:27:52,168 --> 00:27:55,285
No one's said anything to me
about that before.
435
00:27:55,328 --> 00:27:57,967
lt's not the sort of thing you tell a child,
is it?
436
00:27:58,008 --> 00:28:00,078
Once you're born, you're born.
437
00:28:00,128 --> 00:28:03,200
- He said l wasn't planned in any way?
- No.
438
00:28:03,248 --> 00:28:05,887
You were a complete and total surprise.
439
00:28:05,928 --> 00:28:08,647
Your mum was hoping
for a new gas cooker.
440
00:28:10,928 --> 00:28:15,160
Like everything else in life,
l suppose, you make do in the end.
441
00:28:16,688 --> 00:28:18,679
l suppose, yes.
442
00:28:19,688 --> 00:28:24,478
Oh, can't remember whether l locked
the back door. Will you check?
443
00:28:25,488 --> 00:28:27,479
Yes, all right.
444
00:28:48,048 --> 00:28:49,879
Victor?
445
00:28:50,688 --> 00:28:52,883
You haven't been...?
446
00:28:52,928 --> 00:28:58,719
Oh, God, no!
447
00:29:00,328 --> 00:29:03,957
Right, no, no.
Thank you very much, Mrs Meldrew.
448
00:29:04,008 --> 00:29:06,806
l'm... l'll see you, Patrick.
449
00:29:07,848 --> 00:29:09,998
Yes, l expect you will.
450
00:29:17,288 --> 00:29:20,439
Well, the saga continues.
451
00:29:20,488 --> 00:29:23,798
At least there's never a dull moment
living next door to those two.
452
00:29:23,848 --> 00:29:25,201
You on the moan again?
453
00:29:25,248 --> 00:29:27,887
On the positive side,
that mystery's cleared up.
454
00:29:27,928 --> 00:29:30,761
- What is?
- The mystery of my missing ginseng.
455
00:29:30,808 --> 00:29:34,596
- l'd been hunting high and low for them.
- Where were they?
456
00:29:34,648 --> 00:29:37,924
Mr Meldrew had been sticking them
up his bottom.
457
00:29:41,888 --> 00:29:43,879
l beg your pardon?
458
00:29:43,928 --> 00:29:45,919
Yes, apparently.
459
00:29:45,968 --> 00:29:50,917
l looked in most places. l think it's fair
to say l didn't dream of looking there.
460
00:29:50,968 --> 00:29:53,118
What are you talking about?
461
00:29:53,168 --> 00:29:57,320
l don't know why l'm so surprised. The
man seems capable of virtually anything.
462
00:29:57,368 --> 00:29:59,643
But how did he get hold of them?
463
00:29:59,688 --> 00:30:02,600
How he got hold of them,
l'd rather not contemplate.
464
00:30:02,648 --> 00:30:05,765
Between his thumb and forefinger
presumably.
465
00:30:05,808 --> 00:30:08,686
Beyond that, the image
is too horrific to think about.
466
00:30:08,728 --> 00:30:11,606
Margaret was fiddling about with them
on this table.
467
00:30:11,648 --> 00:30:13,400
They must've fallen in her bag.
468
00:30:13,448 --> 00:30:16,884
She said she'd been to the chemist
to pick up a prescription.
469
00:30:16,928 --> 00:30:20,125
So he must've put... Oh, dear.
470
00:30:20,168 --> 00:30:22,159
What are we supposed to do?
471
00:30:22,208 --> 00:30:25,678
Put a statutory notice on the side
of every bottle of vitamin pills?
472
00:30:25,728 --> 00:30:29,960
''Caution. This product should not be
shoved up Victor Meldrew's rectum?''
473
00:30:30,008 --> 00:30:33,796
- You're not throwing the rest away?
- They've lost their appeal.
474
00:30:33,848 --> 00:30:35,327
Can't imagine why.
475
00:30:35,368 --> 00:30:38,883
l'll have a word with her.
l was going round there anyway.
476
00:30:38,928 --> 00:30:41,965
Unbelievable. Unbelievable!
477
00:30:43,008 --> 00:30:44,999
(Sighs)
478
00:30:52,808 --> 00:30:54,366
(Knock at door)
479
00:30:55,368 --> 00:30:57,359
- Hello.
- Pippa, hello.
480
00:30:59,288 --> 00:31:03,076
l'm sorry. l'm afraid
that didn't improve matters, did it?
481
00:31:03,128 --> 00:31:05,483
Don't worry about it. Are you just off?
482
00:31:05,528 --> 00:31:08,759
ln a minute or two.
Got to earn a few more pennies.
483
00:31:08,808 --> 00:31:10,526
What's that?
484
00:31:10,568 --> 00:31:14,686
Well, l was down there first thing and
remembering how much you liked it, so...
485
00:31:14,728 --> 00:31:18,004
Oh, Pippa, thanks so much.
How much do l owe you?
486
00:31:18,048 --> 00:31:21,563
Don't be daft. Remember,
it's very relaxing last thing at night.
487
00:31:21,608 --> 00:31:24,600
Good if you suffer with
tossing and turning in your sleep.
488
00:31:24,648 --> 00:31:27,958
Victor does the tossing and turning,
l suffer.
489
00:31:28,008 --> 00:31:32,081
Like a whirling dervish, the way
he wraps those sheets round himself.
490
00:31:32,128 --> 00:31:36,724
l lie there freezing to death next to this
Egyptian mummy snoring his head off.
491
00:31:36,768 --> 00:31:39,328
- Human corkscrew?
- Hm.
492
00:31:39,368 --> 00:31:41,928
Anyway, we'll certainly give it a try.
493
00:31:41,968 --> 00:31:46,644
- How are you feeling today? Any better?
- Mood comes and goes, you know.
494
00:31:46,688 --> 00:31:50,044
Got to look lively myself.
See you later, probably.
495
00:31:50,088 --> 00:31:52,079
Thanks a lot, Pippa. Bye!
496
00:31:57,768 --> 00:31:59,759
(Doorbell)
497
00:32:06,808 --> 00:32:09,117
- Oh, Mr Swainey.
- Morning, Mrs Meldrew.
498
00:32:09,168 --> 00:32:11,159
Come in.
499
00:32:11,208 --> 00:32:14,564
How did it go?
Oh, you're looking a bit peaky.
500
00:32:14,608 --> 00:32:18,601
Not to be wondered at, l suppose.
Were there many there?
501
00:32:18,648 --> 00:32:21,526
Not really. Six of us, counting the corpse.
502
00:32:22,648 --> 00:32:27,039
l wanted to thank you for the flowers. We
were both touched, Mother especially.
503
00:32:27,088 --> 00:32:28,407
How is she?
504
00:32:28,448 --> 00:32:32,407
Well, she spent most of the service
crying and blowing her nose.
505
00:32:32,448 --> 00:32:36,077
lt was a bit like hearing Abide With Me
being played on the tuba.
506
00:32:36,128 --> 00:32:38,403
Then she started getting her prickly heat,
507
00:32:38,448 --> 00:32:42,327
so l've just wheeled her back indoors
to cool down a bit.
508
00:32:42,368 --> 00:32:46,407
Would you like a cup of tea? This is
herbal, supposed to be very soothing.
509
00:32:46,448 --> 00:32:48,803
No, thanks.
Auntie Min is on the back seat
510
00:32:48,848 --> 00:32:51,681
and she'll be itching
to get back to her slug gun.
511
00:32:51,728 --> 00:32:53,684
Oh, right.
512
00:32:54,648 --> 00:32:57,640
- l'm going to miss my bus.
- Are you going to the shop?
513
00:32:57,688 --> 00:33:01,283
- l'll drop you, l'm going past.
- Are you sure? That would save my life.
514
00:33:01,328 --> 00:33:04,286
l won't be a tick, l'll just get my purse.
515
00:33:20,328 --> 00:33:23,126
- Morning, Mr Meldrew.
- Morning. How are you?
516
00:33:23,168 --> 00:33:24,681
Are you all right?
517
00:33:24,728 --> 00:33:27,196
Just the worry of Mother, l suppose.
518
00:33:28,208 --> 00:33:32,121
Always knocks you for six, doesn't it,
a death in the family?
519
00:33:32,168 --> 00:33:33,965
Oh.
520
00:33:35,848 --> 00:33:39,204
Oh, dear, l didn't know about this.
When did this happen?
521
00:33:39,248 --> 00:33:40,761
Sorry?
522
00:33:40,808 --> 00:33:44,801
- When did she die?
- Oh, on Sunday, 6:30 at the hospital.
523
00:33:44,848 --> 00:33:48,318
l didn't know she'd been taken up there.
524
00:33:48,368 --> 00:33:50,086
Who?
525
00:33:51,128 --> 00:33:55,519
- Your mother.
- Oh, yeah. Took her up in the afternoon,
526
00:33:55,568 --> 00:33:58,128
no sooner got her up there
than we lost her.
527
00:33:58,168 --> 00:34:00,887
- Didn't Mrs Meldrew tell you?
- She didn't, no.
528
00:34:00,928 --> 00:34:04,443
lt's all been a pretty gruelling experience.
529
00:34:04,488 --> 00:34:08,163
l've just got back with her
from the crematorium, actually.
530
00:34:11,888 --> 00:34:13,287
Really?
531
00:34:13,328 --> 00:34:17,606
l was telling Mrs Meldrew, she's still
a bit on the hot side, unfortunately.
532
00:34:20,528 --> 00:34:22,758
ls she? Yes.
533
00:34:22,808 --> 00:34:25,322
Take a while to cool down, l expect.
534
00:34:25,368 --> 00:34:27,962
l expect, yes.
535
00:34:30,968 --> 00:34:33,801
l said l'd give your wife a lift in,
it's on my way.
536
00:34:33,848 --> 00:34:37,682
You couldn't do me a favour
and keep an eye on Mother for me?
537
00:34:37,728 --> 00:34:42,244
lt's just the thought of leaving her
on her own. Do you know what l mean?
538
00:34:45,408 --> 00:34:48,127
No, no. Right.
539
00:34:48,168 --> 00:34:50,887
- Ready when you are!
- Coming, Mrs Meldrew.
540
00:34:50,928 --> 00:34:54,762
See you later then
and thanks very much, l appreciate it.
541
00:34:54,808 --> 00:34:57,447
- (Margaret) Bye, Victor!
- Bye, then!
542
00:35:10,288 --> 00:35:12,279
(Gasps)
543
00:35:29,848 --> 00:35:32,885
- (Phone)
- Oh! Oh, my God!
544
00:35:36,728 --> 00:35:38,684
Yes?
545
00:35:38,728 --> 00:35:41,117
What?
546
00:35:41,168 --> 00:35:46,083
No, l bloody well don't want
to subscribe to Which? Bugger off!
547
00:35:46,128 --> 00:35:48,119
Oh!
548
00:35:49,968 --> 00:35:51,959
l don't believe it.
549
00:36:18,568 --> 00:36:20,559
(Vacuum cleaner whirs)
550
00:37:06,248 --> 00:37:08,716
You'll remember to get those chops,
won't you?
551
00:37:08,768 --> 00:37:12,886
lt's Sarah's leaving do at lunch time,
so l doubt l'll get the chance.
552
00:37:12,928 --> 00:37:15,158
This is an interesting one.
553
00:37:15,208 --> 00:37:20,328
He's just come outside and unravelled
six toilet rolls into a cast-iron skillet.
554
00:37:20,368 --> 00:37:22,802
He's scrunched them up
and set fire to them.
555
00:37:22,848 --> 00:37:25,760
Patrick, will you come away
from that bloody window?
556
00:37:25,808 --> 00:37:29,562
He's sprinkling Mazola cooking oil
all over them to make them burn.
557
00:37:29,608 --> 00:37:31,599
l don't believe this.
558
00:37:31,648 --> 00:37:35,243
He's mashing up all the ashes
with the end of a rolling pin.
559
00:37:35,288 --> 00:37:39,327
- Like a mortar and pestle.
- Yes, l dare say he is.
560
00:37:39,368 --> 00:37:41,359
Where are the car keys?
561
00:37:42,688 --> 00:37:45,156
What do you mean,
''Yes, l daresay he is''?
562
00:37:45,208 --> 00:37:47,039
What sort of remark is that?
563
00:37:47,088 --> 00:37:50,205
Talk about being anally fixated, my God.
564
00:37:50,248 --> 00:37:53,001
- You say he's normal?
- l never said he was normal.
565
00:37:53,048 --> 00:37:56,404
You're not telling me these are
the actions of a sane human being.
566
00:37:56,448 --> 00:37:59,724
- The man must be shot to buggery.
- Did you hear me?
567
00:37:59,768 --> 00:38:03,078
- You're getting the chops.
- Yes, l heard you.
568
00:38:04,088 --> 00:38:06,318
Right, l'll see you tonight then.
569
00:38:12,008 --> 00:38:13,839
Mad as a bloody March hare.
570
00:38:13,888 --> 00:38:18,006
l wonder
if we could get him certified on BUPA.
571
00:38:19,008 --> 00:38:22,637
Where have you been?
Your meal's nearly ready.
572
00:38:22,688 --> 00:38:26,078
l suddenly realised it was the last day
to pay the video rental.
573
00:38:26,128 --> 00:38:28,039
There was a queue a mile long up there.
574
00:38:28,088 --> 00:38:31,797
l get back to the car and find out
she had tapped in the wrong amount.
575
00:38:31,848 --> 00:38:34,806
l had to go traipsing
all the way back again.
576
00:38:36,008 --> 00:38:38,806
Where is it? Has he taken it?
577
00:38:38,848 --> 00:38:40,839
Has who taken what?
578
00:38:40,888 --> 00:38:42,879
Evidently.
579
00:38:42,928 --> 00:38:47,479
Can you imagine bringing something
like that into someone else's house?
580
00:38:47,528 --> 00:38:50,042
Don't suppose he'll notice the difference.
581
00:38:50,088 --> 00:38:54,400
What are you rabbiting about? Do you
want toasted buns, or use up the stale?
582
00:38:54,448 --> 00:38:57,167
Use up the stale, it'll be fine for toast.
583
00:38:57,208 --> 00:39:00,086
Ah, do my ears deceive me,
584
00:39:00,128 --> 00:39:05,566
or is that the rumble of the Tuesday
night paper shredder chattering into life?
585
00:39:06,608 --> 00:39:08,838
Ah, yes, here it comes.
586
00:39:09,848 --> 00:39:14,558
All the local news
straight off the presses.
587
00:39:15,568 --> 00:39:20,403
l don't know why they don't just print it
on confetti and be done with it.
588
00:39:21,728 --> 00:39:23,719
Where is it?
589
00:39:24,728 --> 00:39:28,323
''Your Problems Answered
by Mimsy Birkovitz.''
590
00:39:30,128 --> 00:39:31,720
''Dear Mimsy,
591
00:39:31,768 --> 00:39:35,761
''l wonder if l am unusual
in only having one eyebrow.
592
00:39:35,808 --> 00:39:39,039
''lt stretches over both my eyes
and the top of my nose,
593
00:39:39,088 --> 00:39:40,999
''giving me the appearance of
594
00:39:41,048 --> 00:39:45,360
''someone with a nine-inch caterpillar
crawling across their face.''
595
00:39:46,408 --> 00:39:49,161
l don't believe some of these.
596
00:39:49,208 --> 00:39:51,199
Listen to this one.
597
00:39:51,248 --> 00:39:55,719
''Dear Wife At Her Wit's End,
please stop worrying.
598
00:39:55,768 --> 00:39:59,283
''l assure you, it is not possible
to catch venereal disease
599
00:39:59,328 --> 00:40:02,206
''from underpants
bought at a jumble sale.''
600
00:40:05,648 --> 00:40:09,277
- l'm dishing up now, all right?
- Yes, right.
601
00:40:13,368 --> 00:40:16,326
l don't believe it. Look at this.
602
00:40:18,808 --> 00:40:21,561
- Look at what?
- Look at this headline.
603
00:40:21,608 --> 00:40:25,078
''Gardeners Reel
At Doomsday Dung Horror.''
604
00:40:26,088 --> 00:40:29,876
''Dozens of elderly gardeners
were today being treated for shock
605
00:40:29,928 --> 00:40:33,045
''after learning
that radioactive horse manure
606
00:40:33,088 --> 00:40:37,718
''had been dumped in an allotment
close to where they work.
607
00:40:37,768 --> 00:40:42,444
''Although a local health official said
the material had been declared safe,
608
00:40:42,488 --> 00:40:46,606
''a wave of panic has already set
in amongst local allotment holders,
609
00:40:46,648 --> 00:40:51,642
''sparking fears of mutant parsnips
and giant stampeding earthworms,
610
00:40:51,688 --> 00:40:55,078
''as depicted in
the science-fiction film Tremors.
611
00:40:55,128 --> 00:40:59,280
''Said 70-year-old Mr Horace Tring
of Khartoum Terrace,
612
00:40:59,328 --> 00:41:02,445
'''This is Three Mile lsland
all over again.'
613
00:41:03,888 --> 00:41:05,560
''Mean...'' (Gasps)
614
00:41:05,608 --> 00:41:12,446
''Meanwhile, the spreader of the
Doomsday Dung, Mr Victor Meldrew, 61 ,
615
00:41:12,488 --> 00:41:14,922
''had this morning gone to ground...''
616
00:41:14,968 --> 00:41:17,960
Gone to ground? l'd gone to Gateway.
617
00:41:18,768 --> 00:41:21,965
''..and was refusing to answer the door
to reporters,
618
00:41:22,008 --> 00:41:24,841
''but neighbours close
to his Riverbank home confirmed
619
00:41:24,888 --> 00:41:27,686
''that the manure,
whilst outside Meldrew's house,
620
00:41:27,728 --> 00:41:31,801
''had been seen to emit
a strange, sinister glow in the dark.''
621
00:41:31,848 --> 00:41:33,884
l don't bel...
622
00:41:33,928 --> 00:41:38,524
Can you believe this? They've blown the
whole thing out of all bloody proportion.
623
00:41:38,568 --> 00:41:41,765
What's their number?
l'm going to ring the editor now.
624
00:41:43,208 --> 00:41:44,960
(Doorbell)
625
00:41:48,208 --> 00:41:49,766
Mr Meldrew?
626
00:41:49,808 --> 00:41:51,560
What?
627
00:41:51,608 --> 00:41:55,362
Ben Killick, chairman
of the Allotments Association.
628
00:41:55,408 --> 00:41:59,037
l'm afraid you've caused
an upset amongst some of our members,
629
00:41:59,088 --> 00:42:04,116
so l've been instructed to call round here
to tell you that steps have been taken.
630
00:42:04,168 --> 00:42:06,477
Steps? What sort of...
631
00:42:06,528 --> 00:42:11,238
Look, there's no risk involved.
Everything's been declared totally safe.
632
00:42:11,288 --> 00:42:14,086
A man came and checked it,
took samples for analysis.
633
00:42:14,128 --> 00:42:16,198
So l've been led to believe, Mr Meldrew.
634
00:42:16,248 --> 00:42:19,684
There's only one question
l want to ask and that is,
635
00:42:19,728 --> 00:42:22,845
do you or do you not wish
to keep that allotment?
636
00:42:22,888 --> 00:42:25,641
Of course l want to keep it.
637
00:42:25,688 --> 00:42:27,679
Ah, fair enough then.
638
00:42:27,728 --> 00:42:30,561
Otherwise, you see,
we would've taken it up to the tip.
639
00:42:30,608 --> 00:42:32,439
OK, George.
640
00:42:32,488 --> 00:42:34,399
(Engine starts up)
641
00:42:52,688 --> 00:42:55,680
What the... What... You...
642
00:42:58,648 --> 00:43:01,162
Pollute your own environment
if you want to,
643
00:43:01,208 --> 00:43:03,676
but you're not going to pollute ours.
644
00:43:17,568 --> 00:43:19,559
(Sighs)
645
00:43:19,608 --> 00:43:22,406
- Mr Meldrew?
- Oh, God save us, here we go.
646
00:43:22,448 --> 00:43:26,327
Look, it wasn't my fault. lt was
the bloody press that stirred all this up.
647
00:43:26,368 --> 00:43:30,327
The stupid, senile... l didn't ask them
to get the bloody lot and cart it back!
648
00:43:30,368 --> 00:43:32,643
Victor, will you wrap up?
649
00:43:33,888 --> 00:43:35,606
Patrick, what is it?
650
00:43:37,088 --> 00:43:40,046
l wondered if one of you
could run me up to the hospital.
651
00:43:40,088 --> 00:43:42,318
There's been a very bad bus crash.
652
00:43:44,048 --> 00:43:47,563
lt's all right, love. lt's OK.
653
00:43:47,608 --> 00:43:49,997
l feel worse than l look.
654
00:43:50,048 --> 00:43:53,165
You mean you look worse than you feel?
655
00:43:54,488 --> 00:43:56,240
No.
656
00:43:57,208 --> 00:43:59,199
Just one of those things.
657
00:43:59,248 --> 00:44:03,878
Car shot out in front of me
from a side street. l went straight in.
658
00:44:03,928 --> 00:44:05,998
lt wasn't your fault.
659
00:44:06,048 --> 00:44:10,485
- Don't blame yourself.
- Maniac with bollocks for brains.
660
00:44:11,488 --> 00:44:16,243
l could've ploughed across the traffic
and killed 50 people.
661
00:44:16,288 --> 00:44:18,563
l don't know how l didn't.
662
00:44:20,448 --> 00:44:23,008
Breath test was positive, of course.
663
00:44:23,048 --> 00:44:26,040
lsn't it always?
664
00:44:26,088 --> 00:44:29,683
When are people ever going
to get it into their skulls?
665
00:44:29,728 --> 00:44:32,959
He should be locked away for life.
There's simply no excuse.
666
00:44:33,968 --> 00:44:38,041
No, l don't think you understand,
Margaret.
667
00:44:38,088 --> 00:44:41,046
My breath test was positive.
668
00:44:44,128 --> 00:44:45,356
No?
669
00:44:45,408 --> 00:44:49,401
Just over.
Three milligrams or something.
670
00:44:49,448 --> 00:44:53,361
l mean, l know l was fine,
but that's not the point, of course.
671
00:44:53,408 --> 00:44:56,718
You're quite right, Margaret,
no excuse at all.
672
00:44:58,528 --> 00:45:02,806
Lunch time,
one of the office staff was leaving.
673
00:45:02,848 --> 00:45:05,840
l had three martinis
pushed into my hand.
674
00:45:07,168 --> 00:45:10,638
Well, l've paid for it now, haven't l?
675
00:45:10,688 --> 00:45:13,919
lt's all right.
Try not to keep thinking about it.
676
00:45:13,968 --> 00:45:17,881
Lost my licence, lost my job.
677
00:45:20,248 --> 00:45:22,239
Lost my baby.
678
00:45:37,008 --> 00:45:38,999
Typical, l suppose, really.
679
00:45:39,048 --> 00:45:42,199
Should've ended up
the same way as it began.
680
00:45:44,408 --> 00:45:46,399
Accidents will happen.
681
00:45:50,968 --> 00:45:54,643
l wonder why they didn't put that
on my birth certificate.
682
00:45:54,688 --> 00:45:56,679
''Life by misadventure.''
683
00:45:57,688 --> 00:46:00,077
lt would've just about summed it all up.
684
00:46:02,368 --> 00:46:07,237
l've just been down to check the back
door. l found this stuck to the glass.
685
00:46:08,408 --> 00:46:09,921
Mm...
686
00:46:11,648 --> 00:46:14,116
Shall l put it in the book?
687
00:46:15,128 --> 00:46:17,198
What book?
688
00:46:20,368 --> 00:46:22,359
How's the bedtime drink?
689
00:46:22,408 --> 00:46:26,606
- Yes, fine. What is it?
- lt's a special herbal tea.
690
00:46:26,648 --> 00:46:29,082
Pippa got it for me
at the health-food shop.
691
00:46:29,128 --> 00:46:33,918
Said, ''Drink all that back and you'll have
the best night's sleep ever.''
692
00:46:47,488 --> 00:46:49,399
Night, then.
693
00:46:49,448 --> 00:46:51,439
Night.
694
00:47:02,368 --> 00:47:04,245
(Victor coughs)
695
00:47:05,608 --> 00:47:07,599
(Victor vomits)
696
00:47:09,688 --> 00:47:11,679
(Gasping)
697
00:47:15,168 --> 00:47:17,728
♪ They say l might as well face the truth
698
00:47:18,888 --> 00:47:21,925
♪ That l am just too long in the tooth
699
00:47:21,968 --> 00:47:25,324
♪ l've started to deteriorate
700
00:47:25,368 --> 00:47:28,917
♪ And now l've passedmy own sell-by date
701
00:47:28,968 --> 00:47:32,756
♪ Oh, l am no spring chicken, it's true
702
00:47:32,808 --> 00:47:36,244
♪ l have to pop my teeth in to chew
703
00:47:36,288 --> 00:47:39,678
♪ And my old kneeshave started to knock
704
00:47:39,728 --> 00:47:43,607
♪ l've just got too many mileson the clock
705
00:47:43,648 --> 00:47:46,845
♪ So l'm a wrinkly, crinkly,set in my ways
706
00:47:46,888 --> 00:47:50,767
♪ lt's true that my bodyhas seen better days
707
00:47:50,808 --> 00:47:54,403
♪ But give me half a chanceand l can still misbehave
708
00:47:54,448 --> 00:47:56,678
♪ One foot in the grave
709
00:47:57,808 --> 00:48:00,276
♪ One foot in the grave
710
00:48:01,328 --> 00:48:03,717
♪ One foot in the grave ♪
711
00:48:03,767 --> 00:48:08,317
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