All language subtitles for One Foot in the Grave s02ex1 The Man in the Long Black Coat 1991.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,888 --> 00:00:05,278 ♪ They say l might as well face the truth 2 00:00:05,328 --> 00:00:08,764 ♪ That l am just too long in the tooth 3 00:00:08,808 --> 00:00:12,244 ♪ So l'm an OAP and weak-kneed 4 00:00:12,288 --> 00:00:15,678 ♪ But l have not yet quite gone to seed 5 00:00:15,728 --> 00:00:19,767 ♪ l may be over the hill now that l have retired 6 00:00:19,808 --> 00:00:23,084 ♪ Fading away, but l'm not yet expired 7 00:00:23,128 --> 00:00:27,246 ♪ Clapped out, run down, too old to save 8 00:00:27,288 --> 00:00:29,597 ♪ One foot in the grave ♪ 9 00:00:33,288 --> 00:00:36,963 There's a rat walking up his garden path now. 10 00:00:38,968 --> 00:00:42,085 l could stuff a mattress with your pubic hair. 11 00:00:47,528 --> 00:00:50,167 What do you do? Pull it out with tweezers? 12 00:00:51,168 --> 00:00:53,443 He's stopped by the clothes prop, 13 00:00:53,488 --> 00:00:56,321 now he's turning round and walking back down again. 14 00:00:56,368 --> 00:00:58,006 Bloody things! 15 00:00:58,048 --> 00:01:00,482 lt's just the same when l make the bed. 16 00:01:00,528 --> 00:01:03,725 lt's like sleeping with a moulting porcupine. 17 00:01:05,688 --> 00:01:09,476 Do you have to stand on top of the lavatory like Nelson's Column? 18 00:01:09,528 --> 00:01:12,998 Why don't you use the toilet roll as a telescope and be done with it? 19 00:01:13,048 --> 00:01:16,120 And how do you know it's a he? Your eyesight isn't that good. 20 00:01:17,128 --> 00:01:19,198 Hang on, he's coming out again. 21 00:01:19,248 --> 00:01:21,716 He's brought shears to trim the honeysuckle. 22 00:01:21,768 --> 00:01:26,478 lf he so much as snips one of my sweet peas off over that fence, l've got him! 23 00:01:26,528 --> 00:01:28,519 God almighty. 24 00:01:28,568 --> 00:01:31,128 Seven months of this, l've put up with. 25 00:01:32,128 --> 00:01:34,403 What happened happened. 26 00:01:34,448 --> 00:01:38,680 Why can't you both let it rest instead of behaving like you're at infant school? 27 00:01:38,728 --> 00:01:41,845 l am not behaving as if l am at infant school! 28 00:01:44,968 --> 00:01:47,960 ln any case, he started it. 29 00:01:49,488 --> 00:01:53,800 When your neighbour mows down your garden gnomes with a machine gun, 30 00:01:53,848 --> 00:01:55,884 it's not something you quickly forget. 31 00:01:55,928 --> 00:01:59,045 Worse than a couple of feuding cowboys. 32 00:01:59,968 --> 00:02:04,598 l've seen you trying to train Mrs Lacey's cat to be sick on his rockery. 33 00:02:05,608 --> 00:02:07,087 Who did? 34 00:02:07,128 --> 00:02:10,404 Demonstrating how to stick a paw down its throat. 35 00:02:10,448 --> 00:02:13,804 l've never known anyone be so petty. 36 00:02:13,848 --> 00:02:18,205 l was not... ln any case, which of us keeps leaving little yellow Post-it Notes 37 00:02:18,248 --> 00:02:20,204 on the back gate every five minutes? 38 00:02:20,248 --> 00:02:23,524 lf we're talking about petty, what about these? 39 00:02:25,528 --> 00:02:27,280 ''Lawnmower too loud.'' 40 00:02:28,848 --> 00:02:31,282 ''Creosote splash found on lupins.'' 41 00:02:32,968 --> 00:02:36,278 ''For Christ's sake, put some oil on that wheelbarrow.'' 42 00:02:36,328 --> 00:02:39,240 l don't believe you've actually stuck those in a book. 43 00:02:40,408 --> 00:02:42,000 And don't forget this! 44 00:02:42,048 --> 00:02:45,597 Laying a tripwire so l'd fall flat on my face in his wet cement. 45 00:02:45,648 --> 00:02:47,718 Oh, for God's sake. 46 00:02:47,768 --> 00:02:50,646 l heard him laughing at me through the letter box, 47 00:02:50,688 --> 00:02:55,318 laughing and whispering, ''Got you, you bastard!'' under his breath. 48 00:02:57,168 --> 00:02:58,840 Tripwire? 49 00:02:58,888 --> 00:03:02,961 That's where he lined the edge of his path with twine. 50 00:03:03,008 --> 00:03:05,966 Hah! Talk about paranoid. 51 00:03:06,008 --> 00:03:09,921 Anyway, it serves you right for trying to take a short cut across his grass. 52 00:03:09,968 --> 00:03:12,084 lf you were looking where you were going, 53 00:03:12,128 --> 00:03:16,804 instead of walking about with your nose stuck in that video magazine... 54 00:03:16,848 --> 00:03:18,998 He's lighting a bonfire. 55 00:03:19,048 --> 00:03:23,838 Quick, put some washing out, then l can leave him a bloody Post-it Note. 56 00:03:30,208 --> 00:03:35,202 Oh, there's a letter for them. Somebody got the wrong number evidently. 57 00:03:36,568 --> 00:03:38,399 Give that back here! 58 00:03:38,448 --> 00:03:40,439 For God's sake, Victor. 59 00:03:40,488 --> 00:03:43,446 l have had about enough of this, l have, straight! 60 00:03:44,448 --> 00:03:46,723 Look. You can take this round to him, 61 00:03:46,768 --> 00:03:49,487 it'll give you a chance to apologise to each other 62 00:03:49,528 --> 00:03:51,883 and bury the blasted hatchet, the pair of you. 63 00:03:51,928 --> 00:03:55,284 Otherwise, l'm leaving home. And l mean it. 64 00:03:55,328 --> 00:03:57,922 l'm not traipsing round there like a message boy. 65 00:03:57,968 --> 00:04:00,846 lf he wants his mail, he can come and get it. 66 00:04:12,048 --> 00:04:14,198 There, you wanted evidence, there it is. 67 00:04:14,248 --> 00:04:17,843 One diseased marigold stalk covered in black fly. 68 00:04:17,888 --> 00:04:21,164 - Patrick! - Smack in the middle of the floribunda. 69 00:04:21,208 --> 00:04:23,642 You're not going to tell me it floated there? 70 00:04:23,688 --> 00:04:26,282 You always have to think the worst of people. 71 00:04:26,328 --> 00:04:29,047 lt's no coincidence that these things 72 00:04:29,088 --> 00:04:32,398 only started raining down on our garden last Monday 73 00:04:32,448 --> 00:04:36,361 after the World ln Action special on biological warfare. 74 00:04:36,408 --> 00:04:38,968 Look at the mess he wilfully made of our front path 75 00:04:39,008 --> 00:04:42,125 after l spent three hours getting the bloody thing level. 76 00:04:42,168 --> 00:04:44,159 - (Sighs) - Are you OK? 77 00:04:45,248 --> 00:04:48,126 - Has it come yet? - Just more bills. 78 00:04:48,168 --> 00:04:52,161 lt's academic anyway, as far as l'm concerned. 79 00:04:52,208 --> 00:04:54,403 Do you have to keep writing those things? 80 00:04:54,448 --> 00:04:56,916 The man is a cretin, dear, of the highest order. 81 00:04:56,968 --> 00:05:00,119 l knew it the first time we went to see him. He made us a cup of tea 82 00:05:00,168 --> 00:05:03,444 and then tried to force us at knife-point to get into his bed. 83 00:05:03,488 --> 00:05:05,479 What planet is he from? 84 00:05:28,608 --> 00:05:30,917 - Yes? - Oh, er... 85 00:05:30,968 --> 00:05:34,244 This letter came through our door by... 86 00:05:35,288 --> 00:05:37,597 Oh, right. Thank you. 87 00:05:40,528 --> 00:05:42,758 l um... 88 00:05:42,808 --> 00:05:44,480 Yes, Mr Meldrew? 89 00:05:46,688 --> 00:05:48,883 You're going to fill this in then, are you? 90 00:05:48,928 --> 00:05:52,284 No, l thought about leaving it, like Hollywood Boulevard. 91 00:05:52,328 --> 00:05:55,604 The impressions of glittering neighbours' faces in concrete. 92 00:05:55,648 --> 00:06:02,724 Oh, well. lt's nice to find you being so reasonable about it all, l must say. 93 00:06:02,768 --> 00:06:06,681 Reasonable, Mr Meldrew? l mean, what is reasonable these days? 94 00:06:06,728 --> 00:06:09,322 To find outside one's house, l don't know, 95 00:06:09,368 --> 00:06:11,836 a pile of horse manure covered in fairy lights? 96 00:06:11,888 --> 00:06:15,244 - Who's to say? - What's that supposed to mean? 97 00:06:21,208 --> 00:06:25,520 By anyone's standards, it's not exactly Sleeping Beauty's castle, is it? 98 00:06:25,568 --> 00:06:28,207 How long has it been there? 40 days and 40 nights? 99 00:06:28,248 --> 00:06:30,716 Three days and three nights, since you ask. 100 00:06:30,768 --> 00:06:32,440 Funny, felt longer. 101 00:06:33,488 --> 00:06:35,763 At least it's clearly signposted, 102 00:06:35,808 --> 00:06:39,960 so people don't go accidentally sprawling headfirst into it. 103 00:06:40,008 --> 00:06:41,726 ls that what they're there for? 104 00:06:41,768 --> 00:06:45,522 l thought it was some jubilee celebration for the fertilizer industry. 105 00:06:45,568 --> 00:06:48,287 l don't have to justify my actions to you. 106 00:06:48,328 --> 00:06:50,284 Next time, pick up your own mail. 107 00:06:50,328 --> 00:06:56,119 And another thing, if l find one more of those bloody stupid little yellow notes, 108 00:06:56,168 --> 00:06:58,807 l may not be responsible for my actions. 109 00:07:01,168 --> 00:07:03,045 Nice chatting with you, Mr Meldrew. 110 00:07:07,328 --> 00:07:09,319 (Music and applause on TV) 111 00:07:12,848 --> 00:07:14,839 Crap! 112 00:07:17,208 --> 00:07:20,837 The state of British television today can be summed up in two words - 113 00:07:20,888 --> 00:07:23,038 Jeremy Beadle. 114 00:07:24,048 --> 00:07:27,324 l'm ready for that ham and mushroom now. 115 00:07:27,368 --> 00:07:32,317 lt's my belief that Paul Daniels and Jeremy Beadle are the same person, 116 00:07:32,368 --> 00:07:34,677 like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. 117 00:07:34,728 --> 00:07:36,684 Notice you never see them together. 118 00:07:36,728 --> 00:07:38,639 Which one's Mr Hyde? 119 00:07:38,688 --> 00:07:41,361 Which one do you think? 120 00:07:41,408 --> 00:07:44,480 Just imagine the horror if they lost the antidote. 121 00:07:44,528 --> 00:07:47,645 They'd have to send in the mob with burning torches. 122 00:07:47,688 --> 00:07:50,248 What the hell's this when it's at home? 123 00:07:51,768 --> 00:07:53,326 (Victor) Sorry? 124 00:07:53,368 --> 00:07:57,884 Dressing? lt's more like an environmental disaster. 125 00:07:57,928 --> 00:07:59,839 lt never ceases to amaze me 126 00:07:59,888 --> 00:08:03,278 the things that people seem to want to watch these days. 127 00:08:03,328 --> 00:08:06,047 When was it? Wednesday in the week. 128 00:08:06,088 --> 00:08:11,037 Thought l'd see that film about the Kray brothers, kill a couple of hours. 129 00:08:11,088 --> 00:08:13,318 - Good, was it? - lt was very good. 130 00:08:13,368 --> 00:08:17,839 lf you enjoy seeing people's hands being secured to the pocket of a billiard table. 131 00:08:17,888 --> 00:08:21,642 Very good in the area of people's eyes being gouged out. 132 00:08:22,648 --> 00:08:24,604 There l am, squirming in my seat. 133 00:08:24,648 --> 00:08:28,926 There's this young bimbo behind me, cackling her head off. 134 00:08:28,968 --> 00:08:32,722 - Why didn't you just leave the cinema? - Leave the cinema? 135 00:08:32,768 --> 00:08:36,044 l was sitting here watching it on the video. 136 00:08:36,088 --> 00:08:40,764 Said her name was Cheryl, she'd just called back for the cosmetics catalogue. 137 00:08:40,808 --> 00:08:45,324 Let herself in by the back door and had been watching it over my shoulder. 138 00:08:45,368 --> 00:08:47,598 Then she'd the nerve to ask me to spool back 139 00:08:47,648 --> 00:08:51,880 to the bit where the bloke has his mouth sliced open with a sword. 140 00:08:51,928 --> 00:08:54,123 Said that was one of her favourite bits. 141 00:08:54,168 --> 00:08:59,367 That's the mentality of the people trying to sell you pore-cleansing fluid. 142 00:09:00,488 --> 00:09:02,604 What's that you're eating? 143 00:09:02,648 --> 00:09:04,639 Sorry? 144 00:09:04,688 --> 00:09:07,885 Since when do l have this monstrosity? 145 00:09:08,888 --> 00:09:13,200 Sardines and hot chillis with added pineapple. 146 00:09:19,608 --> 00:09:21,599 Oh, sorry. 147 00:09:27,848 --> 00:09:32,876 God, it's like watching one of those crushers on the back of a dustcart. 148 00:09:36,168 --> 00:09:38,045 Talking of Jeremy Beadle, 149 00:09:38,088 --> 00:09:43,162 l had three more complaints about that horse manure when l was out today. 150 00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:46,564 Talk about getting up a petition about it in the post office. 151 00:09:46,608 --> 00:09:50,362 lt's only a pile of horse manure, it's not going to bite anyone. 152 00:09:50,408 --> 00:09:52,478 Said if it's there much longer, 153 00:09:52,528 --> 00:09:56,760 they'll have to start putting it on the Ordnance Survey maps. 154 00:09:58,168 --> 00:10:00,523 No wonder you upset the neighbours. 155 00:10:00,568 --> 00:10:04,322 l don't understand why it had to come here in the first place. 156 00:10:04,368 --> 00:10:07,724 Why couldn't he deliver it to the allotment round the corner? 157 00:10:07,768 --> 00:10:10,566 He didn't speak very good English, unfortunately. 158 00:10:10,608 --> 00:10:15,159 He'd only really mastered four words. ''Horse manure'' and ''20 quid''. 159 00:10:17,488 --> 00:10:20,844 He looked more East European than anything else. 160 00:10:20,888 --> 00:10:22,879 l didn't like the look of him, 161 00:10:22,928 --> 00:10:26,841 walking round dressed like Abraham Lincoln in gumboots. 162 00:10:26,888 --> 00:10:30,085 You buy horse manure from any old Tom, Dick, or Harry, 163 00:10:30,128 --> 00:10:32,688 you don't know where it's been. 164 00:10:36,208 --> 00:10:40,679 Don't know where it's been? You know exactly where it's been. 165 00:10:40,728 --> 00:10:42,400 Up a horse. 166 00:10:44,248 --> 00:10:48,036 l'll take it to the allotment tomorrow, when l get back from the doctor, 167 00:10:48,088 --> 00:10:51,046 so the nation can sleep easy in their beds again. 168 00:10:51,088 --> 00:10:54,000 Well, before you do, you'd better take Patrick's advice 169 00:10:54,048 --> 00:10:57,518 - and oil that squeaky wheelbarrow. - Yes. 170 00:10:57,568 --> 00:11:02,244 Well, never need to worry about a squeaky salad, that's for sure. 171 00:11:05,088 --> 00:11:07,079 (Phone) 172 00:11:07,128 --> 00:11:09,119 (Babies cry) 173 00:11:11,608 --> 00:11:16,762 Watson, Kebble-Kepplit and Partners. Can l help you? ls it an emergency? 174 00:11:16,808 --> 00:11:20,278 Mrs Romiz to Dr Neeben. Mrs Romiz. 175 00:11:20,328 --> 00:11:24,367 Friday at 10:20. Right, thank you. Bye. 176 00:11:24,408 --> 00:11:26,638 - Excuse me... - One second, please. 177 00:11:26,688 --> 00:11:29,646 Watson, Kebble-Kepplit and Partners. Can l help you? 178 00:11:29,688 --> 00:11:33,681 l'm afraid he died last week in his sleep. We did write to everyone. 179 00:11:33,728 --> 00:11:35,923 ls it an emergency? 180 00:11:35,968 --> 00:11:38,357 Oh, dear. Well, if it's hanging off, 181 00:11:38,408 --> 00:11:42,401 l think you'd best go up to casualty, just to be on the safe side. 182 00:11:42,448 --> 00:11:46,282 Kevin Spybie for Dr Sesapeski. Kevin Spybie. 183 00:11:46,328 --> 00:11:48,762 That's right. You're welcome. Bye. 184 00:11:48,808 --> 00:11:53,086 Sorry, sir. Watson, Kebble-Kepplit and Partners. Can l help you? 185 00:11:53,128 --> 00:11:56,723 Mr Scottie to the treatment room, Mr Scottie. 186 00:11:56,768 --> 00:12:00,443 Mrs Patterson for Dr Yip, Mrs Patterson. 187 00:12:00,488 --> 00:12:03,924 Right. Uh-huh. ls it an emergency? 188 00:12:04,928 --> 00:12:08,364 Tomorrow at four? OK, lovely. Bye. 189 00:12:08,408 --> 00:12:11,878 - Excuse me, please. - Yes, sir. You're Mr...? 190 00:12:11,928 --> 00:12:14,396 Meldrew. l just tried to... 191 00:12:14,448 --> 00:12:16,643 Watson, Kebble-Kepplit and Partners. 192 00:12:16,688 --> 00:12:21,603 l'm afraid Dr Kebble-Kepplit is on holiday this week. ls it an emergency? 193 00:12:22,848 --> 00:12:26,523 l've got a cancellation for Dr Pondicherry at five. 194 00:12:27,528 --> 00:12:32,238 Yes, you do. The one that looks like Doberman in Sergeant Bilko. 195 00:12:32,288 --> 00:12:35,360 All right, if you'd rather. Bye. 196 00:12:35,408 --> 00:12:40,436 l've just come to pick up a prescription. Victor Meldrew from Dr Snelgrove. 197 00:12:40,488 --> 00:12:43,764 Mr Chandrasekar to Dr Trilling, Mr Chandrasekar. 198 00:12:43,808 --> 00:12:47,596 And Sharon Chumley to the treatment room, Sharon Chumley. 199 00:12:47,648 --> 00:12:49,923 Dr Snelgrove had to go to a wedding. 200 00:12:49,968 --> 00:12:53,643 l think we were passing most of her patients to Dr Watson. 201 00:12:53,688 --> 00:12:56,760 Where's he gone? To look for the Hound of the Baskervilles? 202 00:12:56,808 --> 00:13:00,039 Might as well have Dr Doolittle, or Dr Joseph Goebbels. 203 00:13:00,088 --> 00:13:04,206 l've got a note here, but l don't think he's done your prescription yet. 204 00:13:04,248 --> 00:13:09,720 l'll just check for you. Naseem, did that prescription come through at all? 205 00:13:09,768 --> 00:13:12,487 - For Mr Meldrew's haemorrhoids? - (Phone) 206 00:13:12,528 --> 00:13:14,962 She's just checking for you, sir. 207 00:13:15,008 --> 00:13:18,398 Watson, Kebble-Kepplit and Partners. Can l help you? 208 00:13:19,928 --> 00:13:21,725 Sorry? 209 00:13:21,768 --> 00:13:24,805 Yes, he's standing right next to me as a matter of fact. 210 00:13:24,848 --> 00:13:28,921 Somebody asking when you're going to shift a pile of manure. 211 00:13:28,968 --> 00:13:31,482 ls it an emergency? 212 00:13:53,768 --> 00:13:56,566 Morning, Mrs Meldrew. 213 00:13:57,168 --> 00:13:59,762 - Morning. - ls it me, or is it moist? 214 00:14:01,768 --> 00:14:03,440 Sorry? 215 00:14:03,488 --> 00:14:05,877 Oh, it is a bit on the humid side today. 216 00:14:06,888 --> 00:14:09,561 - Did you have a nice weekend? - Lovely, thank you. 217 00:14:09,608 --> 00:14:12,566 - Where did you go to in the end? - To hospital. 218 00:14:12,608 --> 00:14:14,883 l'm afraid Granny took a turn for the worse, 219 00:14:14,928 --> 00:14:18,079 so l had to run Mother up there on a sudden mercy dash. 220 00:14:18,128 --> 00:14:19,720 Which was a little fraught. 221 00:14:19,768 --> 00:14:23,044 Her wheelchair accidentally locked into high-speed reverse 222 00:14:23,088 --> 00:14:26,364 and she went on a mystery tour of the Clement Atlee wing. 223 00:14:27,088 --> 00:14:28,760 Took an hour and a half to find her 224 00:14:28,808 --> 00:14:31,845 and by then she'd gate-crashed three hysterectomies, 225 00:14:31,888 --> 00:14:33,799 so a bit of a day, all in all. 226 00:14:33,848 --> 00:14:36,760 So how is your grandmother now? 227 00:14:36,808 --> 00:14:39,720 Not giving any cause for concern or anything? 228 00:14:39,768 --> 00:14:42,680 Oh, no, no. Not now she's dead. 229 00:14:44,368 --> 00:14:49,203 Well, she was 93 and they reckon it was a broken bone that finally did it. 230 00:14:49,248 --> 00:14:51,603 Oh, dear. 231 00:14:51,648 --> 00:14:54,082 Didn't know you could die of a broken bone. 232 00:14:54,128 --> 00:14:57,677 Well, you can when it's stuck in your windpipe, apparently. 233 00:14:57,728 --> 00:15:01,323 She was always a great one for gnawing on chicken carcasses. 234 00:15:01,368 --> 00:15:03,802 lt's just one of those things, l suppose. 235 00:15:03,848 --> 00:15:09,081 Funeral's tomorrow. Don't think Mother's looking forward to it. Are you, Mother? 236 00:15:09,128 --> 00:15:12,723 Mrs Meldrew said she was very sorry to hear the tragic news. 237 00:15:13,808 --> 00:15:17,198 How's Mr Meldrew? Getting on all right with his new allotment? 238 00:15:17,248 --> 00:15:21,082 Funny, l always think about it when l pass his horse manure in the mornings. 239 00:15:21,128 --> 00:15:23,119 Oh, yes. 240 00:15:23,168 --> 00:15:26,205 Yes, he seems to be getting quite into it now. 241 00:15:26,248 --> 00:15:28,637 Given him a bit of interest in life at last. 242 00:15:29,648 --> 00:15:33,436 l'm sorry, Mr Swainey, you'll have to excuse me. l've got some potatoes on. 243 00:15:33,488 --> 00:15:35,240 Oh, no, don't let them spoil. 244 00:15:35,288 --> 00:15:40,282 l'm very sorry about your grandmother and...l must dash. 245 00:15:40,328 --> 00:15:42,319 See you, Mrs Meldrew. 246 00:15:44,048 --> 00:15:46,721 Where have you been? Timbuktu? 247 00:15:46,768 --> 00:15:50,397 Don't! An hour and a bloody quarter l had to wait in that bloody place 248 00:15:50,448 --> 00:15:52,279 for a simple repeat prescription. 249 00:15:52,328 --> 00:15:55,365 l haven't had a chance to get to the chemist's. 250 00:15:55,408 --> 00:15:57,399 Could you get it when you're out? 251 00:15:57,448 --> 00:16:01,680 lf l don't move that manure, they'll be lynching me from a lamppost. 252 00:16:01,728 --> 00:16:03,127 Wonderful, isn't it? 253 00:16:03,168 --> 00:16:06,683 The health service is at breaking point, three million unemployed, 254 00:16:06,728 --> 00:16:09,800 you'd think people would find better things to moan about. 255 00:16:09,848 --> 00:16:11,406 (Sizzling) 256 00:16:11,448 --> 00:16:13,439 ls something burning in here? 257 00:16:17,008 --> 00:16:18,805 (Squeaking) 258 00:17:18,088 --> 00:17:20,044 Afternoon. 259 00:17:20,088 --> 00:17:22,397 Mr Meldrew, is it? 260 00:17:22,448 --> 00:17:23,676 Yes. 261 00:17:23,728 --> 00:17:25,719 l won't shake hands. 262 00:17:25,768 --> 00:17:29,283 Dr Mervin Mile. l believe you were expecting me. 263 00:17:29,328 --> 00:17:34,083 - Sorry? - l need to carry out a couple of tests. 264 00:17:34,128 --> 00:17:35,686 lt won't take a jiffy. 265 00:17:38,088 --> 00:17:40,966 What? ln the middle of an allotment? 266 00:17:41,008 --> 00:17:43,966 Got a couple of ticks, have you? 267 00:17:44,968 --> 00:17:48,199 l haven't, no. They found my prescription in the end, 268 00:17:48,248 --> 00:17:51,638 in a copy of Smash Hits on the waiting room table. 269 00:17:51,688 --> 00:17:55,124 No, no, no, Mr Meldrew, l'm not that sort of doctor. 270 00:17:55,168 --> 00:17:57,159 l'm from the Borough Council. 271 00:17:57,208 --> 00:17:59,961 Health And Public Safety Department. 272 00:18:00,008 --> 00:18:02,841 l thought my office had already contacted you. 273 00:18:02,888 --> 00:18:05,004 About what? 274 00:18:05,048 --> 00:18:09,405 Nothing you need concern yourself about, Mr Meldrew. Nothing at all. 275 00:18:09,448 --> 00:18:12,997 Now then, this is the manure here, is it? 276 00:18:17,968 --> 00:18:20,163 What are you doing? 277 00:18:20,208 --> 00:18:23,120 You bought this from a gentleman last week, l gather? 278 00:18:23,168 --> 00:18:26,843 Black beard, long black coat, bit of a foreign accent? 279 00:18:26,888 --> 00:18:29,527 Yes. What about it? What's the problem? 280 00:18:31,608 --> 00:18:36,363 For goodness' sake, tell me, what's wrong with my horse manure? 281 00:18:36,408 --> 00:18:41,198 Don't be silly, Margaret. l was just doing a stocktake on my vitamins. 282 00:18:41,248 --> 00:18:46,003 Patrick's at work, so, no, it's very convenient. 283 00:18:47,008 --> 00:18:50,045 l just thought l ought to make amends. 284 00:18:50,088 --> 00:18:52,397 Oh, you don't have to. 285 00:18:52,448 --> 00:18:55,724 Mine's as bad. They deserve each other. 286 00:18:55,768 --> 00:19:00,080 You'd think two fully-grown men would be more tolerant, more forgiving. 287 00:19:00,128 --> 00:19:01,720 Would you? 288 00:19:01,768 --> 00:19:04,236 No. l suppose you wouldn't really. 289 00:19:07,848 --> 00:19:09,759 You swear by all this, do you? 290 00:19:09,808 --> 00:19:12,038 Oh, that's Patrick's ginseng. 291 00:19:12,088 --> 00:19:16,081 He takes it to reverse the ageing process. 292 00:19:16,128 --> 00:19:17,720 Does it work? 293 00:19:17,768 --> 00:19:21,044 Well, in that he's acting like a five-year-old... 294 00:19:22,048 --> 00:19:25,484 Course, he's always had a childish side to his nature, 295 00:19:25,528 --> 00:19:28,725 except when he was a child, oddly enough. 296 00:19:28,768 --> 00:19:31,726 l don't know what to do about him and Victor. 297 00:19:31,768 --> 00:19:35,886 lt's one thing to call someone a tosspot to their face, 298 00:19:35,928 --> 00:19:41,207 but when you go to the lengths of having it iced on a Thorntons Easter egg, 299 00:19:41,248 --> 00:19:44,558 l think it's got beyond a joke. 300 00:19:46,328 --> 00:19:49,286 He did put a card in the post as well. 301 00:19:49,328 --> 00:19:54,880 No name or address on the envelope, just the words 'To that cretin in the cap.' 302 00:19:55,888 --> 00:19:58,721 l suppose it helped him to let off steam at the time. 303 00:19:58,768 --> 00:19:59,883 Yes. 304 00:19:59,928 --> 00:20:02,488 The irony is, we received it. 305 00:20:03,488 --> 00:20:06,446 About the quickest a letter's ever got to us, l think. 306 00:20:06,488 --> 00:20:08,479 There we are. 307 00:20:08,528 --> 00:20:12,282 Get that down your neck, soothe away all your troubles. 308 00:20:12,328 --> 00:20:15,798 Camomile, tilia, lemongrass and jasmine. 309 00:20:16,808 --> 00:20:19,083 Mind, it's a bit hot. 310 00:20:19,128 --> 00:20:21,722 Maybe Victor could do with dietary supplements. 311 00:20:21,768 --> 00:20:27,445 - What sort of things does he eat? - Anything, of any sort or description. 312 00:20:27,488 --> 00:20:31,242 ln the most hideous and disgusting combinations. 313 00:20:31,288 --> 00:20:33,802 Food you wouldn't put in the same cupboard, 314 00:20:33,848 --> 00:20:36,920 he would happily slice up together on his Weetabix. 315 00:20:36,968 --> 00:20:41,598 lt's like watching nonstop junk mail going through a letter box. 316 00:20:41,648 --> 00:20:43,878 l think he lost all sense of taste years ago. 317 00:20:43,928 --> 00:20:45,998 - Stomach like a bin liner? - Mm. 318 00:20:46,048 --> 00:20:49,484 This is nice. You get this at the health-food shop? 319 00:20:49,528 --> 00:20:53,237 Two spoonfuls to calm you down, three and you sleep like a top. 320 00:20:54,248 --> 00:20:56,808 God, you're well stocked up. 321 00:20:56,848 --> 00:21:00,477 Well, need all the vitamins l can get from now on, l'm afraid. 322 00:21:00,528 --> 00:21:02,359 Why's that? 323 00:21:03,368 --> 00:21:04,642 Pippa! 324 00:21:04,688 --> 00:21:07,122 lron, zinc, magnesium. 325 00:21:07,168 --> 00:21:09,762 Patrick's got this vision of the doctor saying, 326 00:21:09,808 --> 00:21:13,767 ''Congratulations, it's Metal Mickey!'' 327 00:21:14,768 --> 00:21:18,204 You must be thrilled. Congratulations. 328 00:21:18,248 --> 00:21:23,880 Well, l'm not sure thrilled is the word. lt wasn't exactly planned. 329 00:21:23,928 --> 00:21:27,557 l know l'm supposed to be all glowing and maternal, 330 00:21:27,608 --> 00:21:30,725 but when you look round at the state of things, 331 00:21:30,768 --> 00:21:34,681 l don't think life is something l'd wish on my worst enemy. 332 00:21:35,688 --> 00:21:38,805 And you never know what you're bringing into the world. 333 00:21:38,848 --> 00:21:42,204 Look at the people who started out as babies. 334 00:21:43,208 --> 00:21:47,406 Hitler, Dr Crippen. 335 00:21:47,448 --> 00:21:51,487 Oh, you wait till it's born. lt'll be a treasure. 336 00:21:51,528 --> 00:21:54,838 You just wonder these days what kind of a start that is in life, 337 00:21:54,888 --> 00:21:57,163 to be the child of a bus driver. 338 00:21:57,208 --> 00:21:59,597 l did think about packing it in. 339 00:21:59,648 --> 00:22:04,358 But Patrick said he could always work more from home and look after it for me, 340 00:22:04,408 --> 00:22:06,763 the way his business has been going lately. 341 00:22:06,808 --> 00:22:10,642 You've just got your postnatal depression a bit early. 342 00:22:10,688 --> 00:22:14,647 lt'll be the most wonderful that ever happened. You won't want to stop. 343 00:22:14,688 --> 00:22:17,441 Well, we'll see, l suppose. 344 00:22:17,488 --> 00:22:19,797 Have some more tea. 345 00:22:21,128 --> 00:22:23,119 (Crackling) 346 00:22:26,088 --> 00:22:30,525 No, no, no, no. Nothing to worry about here, Mr Meldrew. 347 00:22:30,568 --> 00:22:32,160 You can rest assured of that. 348 00:22:32,208 --> 00:22:34,642 Stop telling me l've nothing to worry about, 349 00:22:34,688 --> 00:22:37,327 you're making me extremely worried. 350 00:22:37,368 --> 00:22:39,086 What's all this about? 351 00:22:39,128 --> 00:22:41,278 No danger of gamma rays, or anything. 352 00:22:41,328 --> 00:22:44,479 You can put your mind at rest on that one. 353 00:22:44,528 --> 00:22:47,486 Gamma rays? 354 00:22:47,528 --> 00:22:52,318 lt makes you wonder how these cowboys get hold of the ruddy stuff, doesn't it? 355 00:22:52,368 --> 00:22:57,522 l don't know. Course, the stables have all been closed down for the time being. 356 00:22:57,568 --> 00:23:01,083 They're not certain the contamination levels were significant, 357 00:23:01,128 --> 00:23:05,644 but you can't be too careful when you're next to a nuclear reactor plant, can you? 358 00:23:05,688 --> 00:23:08,919 All this is just by way of a precaution really. 359 00:23:08,968 --> 00:23:10,959 Nuclear reactor plant? 360 00:23:11,008 --> 00:23:14,284 What contamination levels? Contamination levels of what? 361 00:23:14,328 --> 00:23:19,766 By rights, all this manure should've been seized by the Ministry of Agriculture. 362 00:23:19,808 --> 00:23:24,677 Not driven halfway across the country so any idiot could just buy the... 363 00:23:24,728 --> 00:23:27,162 - What is it? - Look at that. 364 00:23:27,208 --> 00:23:29,438 Where the hell did that come from? 365 00:23:29,488 --> 00:23:33,481 Looks like a piece of fairy light off a Christmas tree. 366 00:23:33,528 --> 00:23:36,998 What are you trying to tell me? ls it dangerous? 367 00:23:37,048 --> 00:23:39,039 Oh, no, no, no. 368 00:23:39,088 --> 00:23:42,763 You're talking a mere 4.3 micro-microcuries. 369 00:23:42,808 --> 00:23:45,242 - Am l? - Oh, yes. 370 00:23:45,288 --> 00:23:49,201 Well below permitted levels. Well below permitted levels. 371 00:23:49,248 --> 00:23:51,523 Although still more than normal. 372 00:23:51,568 --> 00:23:53,843 Right, as l say, 373 00:23:53,888 --> 00:23:58,166 there's nothing you should concern yourself about here, Mr Meldrew. 374 00:23:58,208 --> 00:23:59,926 Have a Mars bar. 375 00:24:02,128 --> 00:24:06,041 ''Have a Mars bar?'' What kind of advice is that? 376 00:24:06,088 --> 00:24:10,684 l'm standing here with an allotment covered in radioactive horse shit 377 00:24:10,728 --> 00:24:13,003 and all you can say is, ''Have a Mars bar''? 378 00:24:15,728 --> 00:24:18,845 What am l supposed to do now, for God's sake? 379 00:24:18,888 --> 00:24:21,322 Well, if l were you, l'd forget all about it. 380 00:24:21,368 --> 00:24:25,043 - Would you? - Yeah. lt really isn't significant. 381 00:24:25,088 --> 00:24:29,240 lt's just it's our duty to check up on these things, that's all. 382 00:24:31,088 --> 00:24:33,761 Are you absolutely positive it's safe? 383 00:24:34,808 --> 00:24:39,359 The radiation levels are absolutely miniscule, Mr Meldrew. 384 00:24:39,408 --> 00:24:43,321 - Look, you see this digital watch? - Yes. 385 00:24:43,368 --> 00:24:47,759 l can get you one of these at half price, if you're interested. 386 00:24:47,808 --> 00:24:50,276 A mate brings them in from the Continent at cost. 387 00:24:50,328 --> 00:24:52,125 There's a ladies' model too. 388 00:24:52,168 --> 00:24:53,965 Think about it and give me a ring. 389 00:24:54,968 --> 00:24:58,119 Well, bye, then, Mr Meldrew. 390 00:24:58,168 --> 00:25:00,477 Oh, for God's sake, stop worrying. 391 00:25:00,528 --> 00:25:03,520 You'll end up a complete nervous wreck. 392 00:25:03,568 --> 00:25:05,559 Yes, right. 393 00:25:05,608 --> 00:25:07,439 Stop worrying. 394 00:25:09,488 --> 00:25:14,039 l'm never buying anything from anyone who comes to the door ever again. 395 00:25:14,088 --> 00:25:16,727 - Said that would happen, didn't l? - What? 396 00:25:16,768 --> 00:25:18,884 lf you cut your nails on a Sunday. 397 00:25:19,888 --> 00:25:22,004 Yes. l distinctly remember you saying, 398 00:25:22,048 --> 00:25:26,326 ''Watch out, someone's going to palm you off with radioactive horse droppings 399 00:25:26,368 --> 00:25:29,838 ''from the Sizewell B Riding Academy.'' lt happens every day. 400 00:25:29,888 --> 00:25:31,879 l said you'd have bad luck. 401 00:25:32,888 --> 00:25:34,799 When do l have good luck? 402 00:25:34,848 --> 00:25:37,237 He said there was nothing to worry about, 403 00:25:37,288 --> 00:25:40,280 - so what are you worried about? - What am l worried about? 404 00:25:40,328 --> 00:25:43,525 That the hairs are going to fall out of my gooseberries. 405 00:25:43,568 --> 00:25:45,479 Don't know what it could lead to. 406 00:25:45,528 --> 00:25:49,680 l'd already forked in three wheelbarrowfuls when he arrived. 407 00:25:49,728 --> 00:25:55,246 l just don't know why everything you do has to end up as a three-act bloody... 408 00:25:58,608 --> 00:26:00,917 What the bloody hell's this? 409 00:26:00,968 --> 00:26:06,281 That is my hairstyling mousse, when you've quite finished! 410 00:26:08,448 --> 00:26:13,158 - Should be more clearly marked. - You'll be more clearly marked soon. 411 00:26:25,808 --> 00:26:27,799 Pippa's having a baby. 412 00:26:28,848 --> 00:26:31,157 Pippa is? 413 00:26:31,208 --> 00:26:33,005 Why is that so strange? 414 00:26:33,048 --> 00:26:35,357 l didn't think she had room for one. 415 00:26:39,888 --> 00:26:41,879 What's that supposed to mean? 416 00:26:41,928 --> 00:26:46,319 l mean, don't they use their spare bedroom as an office? 417 00:26:46,368 --> 00:26:49,405 She admitted it wasn't exactly planned. 418 00:26:50,408 --> 00:26:53,241 Seems a bit down in the dumps about it at the moment. 419 00:26:53,288 --> 00:26:55,040 l'm sure that'll pass. 420 00:26:55,088 --> 00:26:58,603 Must be a bit of a worry, when you stop to think about it. 421 00:26:58,648 --> 00:27:00,957 What you might be unleashing on the world. 422 00:27:01,008 --> 00:27:04,603 Could grow up into anything, could be one of the Kray brothers. 423 00:27:04,648 --> 00:27:06,639 Or Jeremy Beadle. 424 00:27:10,488 --> 00:27:13,685 One more noise to worry about on a Sunday, l suppose. 425 00:27:13,728 --> 00:27:17,038 - l suppose so. - Right, that's me. 426 00:27:18,368 --> 00:27:21,724 - You were an accident. - Yes, l expect so. 427 00:27:21,768 --> 00:27:26,046 - l brought you a glass of water up. - Right, thanks! 428 00:27:31,048 --> 00:27:33,039 What did you say? 429 00:27:33,088 --> 00:27:35,841 - When? - You said l was an accident. 430 00:27:37,248 --> 00:27:39,637 - What about it? - Who told you that? 431 00:27:39,688 --> 00:27:42,760 Your father told me at our wedding reception. 432 00:27:42,808 --> 00:27:45,322 Said you were a complete and total mistake, 433 00:27:45,368 --> 00:27:50,158 the result of a careless oversight on their first night in Skegness. 434 00:27:52,168 --> 00:27:55,285 No one's said anything to me about that before. 435 00:27:55,328 --> 00:27:57,967 lt's not the sort of thing you tell a child, is it? 436 00:27:58,008 --> 00:28:00,078 Once you're born, you're born. 437 00:28:00,128 --> 00:28:03,200 - He said l wasn't planned in any way? - No. 438 00:28:03,248 --> 00:28:05,887 You were a complete and total surprise. 439 00:28:05,928 --> 00:28:08,647 Your mum was hoping for a new gas cooker. 440 00:28:10,928 --> 00:28:15,160 Like everything else in life, l suppose, you make do in the end. 441 00:28:16,688 --> 00:28:18,679 l suppose, yes. 442 00:28:19,688 --> 00:28:24,478 Oh, can't remember whether l locked the back door. Will you check? 443 00:28:25,488 --> 00:28:27,479 Yes, all right. 444 00:28:48,048 --> 00:28:49,879 Victor? 445 00:28:50,688 --> 00:28:52,883 You haven't been...? 446 00:28:52,928 --> 00:28:58,719 Oh, God, no! 447 00:29:00,328 --> 00:29:03,957 Right, no, no. Thank you very much, Mrs Meldrew. 448 00:29:04,008 --> 00:29:06,806 l'm... l'll see you, Patrick. 449 00:29:07,848 --> 00:29:09,998 Yes, l expect you will. 450 00:29:17,288 --> 00:29:20,439 Well, the saga continues. 451 00:29:20,488 --> 00:29:23,798 At least there's never a dull moment living next door to those two. 452 00:29:23,848 --> 00:29:25,201 You on the moan again? 453 00:29:25,248 --> 00:29:27,887 On the positive side, that mystery's cleared up. 454 00:29:27,928 --> 00:29:30,761 - What is? - The mystery of my missing ginseng. 455 00:29:30,808 --> 00:29:34,596 - l'd been hunting high and low for them. - Where were they? 456 00:29:34,648 --> 00:29:37,924 Mr Meldrew had been sticking them up his bottom. 457 00:29:41,888 --> 00:29:43,879 l beg your pardon? 458 00:29:43,928 --> 00:29:45,919 Yes, apparently. 459 00:29:45,968 --> 00:29:50,917 l looked in most places. l think it's fair to say l didn't dream of looking there. 460 00:29:50,968 --> 00:29:53,118 What are you talking about? 461 00:29:53,168 --> 00:29:57,320 l don't know why l'm so surprised. The man seems capable of virtually anything. 462 00:29:57,368 --> 00:29:59,643 But how did he get hold of them? 463 00:29:59,688 --> 00:30:02,600 How he got hold of them, l'd rather not contemplate. 464 00:30:02,648 --> 00:30:05,765 Between his thumb and forefinger presumably. 465 00:30:05,808 --> 00:30:08,686 Beyond that, the image is too horrific to think about. 466 00:30:08,728 --> 00:30:11,606 Margaret was fiddling about with them on this table. 467 00:30:11,648 --> 00:30:13,400 They must've fallen in her bag. 468 00:30:13,448 --> 00:30:16,884 She said she'd been to the chemist to pick up a prescription. 469 00:30:16,928 --> 00:30:20,125 So he must've put... Oh, dear. 470 00:30:20,168 --> 00:30:22,159 What are we supposed to do? 471 00:30:22,208 --> 00:30:25,678 Put a statutory notice on the side of every bottle of vitamin pills? 472 00:30:25,728 --> 00:30:29,960 ''Caution. This product should not be shoved up Victor Meldrew's rectum?'' 473 00:30:30,008 --> 00:30:33,796 - You're not throwing the rest away? - They've lost their appeal. 474 00:30:33,848 --> 00:30:35,327 Can't imagine why. 475 00:30:35,368 --> 00:30:38,883 l'll have a word with her. l was going round there anyway. 476 00:30:38,928 --> 00:30:41,965 Unbelievable. Unbelievable! 477 00:30:43,008 --> 00:30:44,999 (Sighs) 478 00:30:52,808 --> 00:30:54,366 (Knock at door) 479 00:30:55,368 --> 00:30:57,359 - Hello. - Pippa, hello. 480 00:30:59,288 --> 00:31:03,076 l'm sorry. l'm afraid that didn't improve matters, did it? 481 00:31:03,128 --> 00:31:05,483 Don't worry about it. Are you just off? 482 00:31:05,528 --> 00:31:08,759 ln a minute or two. Got to earn a few more pennies. 483 00:31:08,808 --> 00:31:10,526 What's that? 484 00:31:10,568 --> 00:31:14,686 Well, l was down there first thing and remembering how much you liked it, so... 485 00:31:14,728 --> 00:31:18,004 Oh, Pippa, thanks so much. How much do l owe you? 486 00:31:18,048 --> 00:31:21,563 Don't be daft. Remember, it's very relaxing last thing at night. 487 00:31:21,608 --> 00:31:24,600 Good if you suffer with tossing and turning in your sleep. 488 00:31:24,648 --> 00:31:27,958 Victor does the tossing and turning, l suffer. 489 00:31:28,008 --> 00:31:32,081 Like a whirling dervish, the way he wraps those sheets round himself. 490 00:31:32,128 --> 00:31:36,724 l lie there freezing to death next to this Egyptian mummy snoring his head off. 491 00:31:36,768 --> 00:31:39,328 - Human corkscrew? - Hm. 492 00:31:39,368 --> 00:31:41,928 Anyway, we'll certainly give it a try. 493 00:31:41,968 --> 00:31:46,644 - How are you feeling today? Any better? - Mood comes and goes, you know. 494 00:31:46,688 --> 00:31:50,044 Got to look lively myself. See you later, probably. 495 00:31:50,088 --> 00:31:52,079 Thanks a lot, Pippa. Bye! 496 00:31:57,768 --> 00:31:59,759 (Doorbell) 497 00:32:06,808 --> 00:32:09,117 - Oh, Mr Swainey. - Morning, Mrs Meldrew. 498 00:32:09,168 --> 00:32:11,159 Come in. 499 00:32:11,208 --> 00:32:14,564 How did it go? Oh, you're looking a bit peaky. 500 00:32:14,608 --> 00:32:18,601 Not to be wondered at, l suppose. Were there many there? 501 00:32:18,648 --> 00:32:21,526 Not really. Six of us, counting the corpse. 502 00:32:22,648 --> 00:32:27,039 l wanted to thank you for the flowers. We were both touched, Mother especially. 503 00:32:27,088 --> 00:32:28,407 How is she? 504 00:32:28,448 --> 00:32:32,407 Well, she spent most of the service crying and blowing her nose. 505 00:32:32,448 --> 00:32:36,077 lt was a bit like hearing Abide With Me being played on the tuba. 506 00:32:36,128 --> 00:32:38,403 Then she started getting her prickly heat, 507 00:32:38,448 --> 00:32:42,327 so l've just wheeled her back indoors to cool down a bit. 508 00:32:42,368 --> 00:32:46,407 Would you like a cup of tea? This is herbal, supposed to be very soothing. 509 00:32:46,448 --> 00:32:48,803 No, thanks. Auntie Min is on the back seat 510 00:32:48,848 --> 00:32:51,681 and she'll be itching to get back to her slug gun. 511 00:32:51,728 --> 00:32:53,684 Oh, right. 512 00:32:54,648 --> 00:32:57,640 - l'm going to miss my bus. - Are you going to the shop? 513 00:32:57,688 --> 00:33:01,283 - l'll drop you, l'm going past. - Are you sure? That would save my life. 514 00:33:01,328 --> 00:33:04,286 l won't be a tick, l'll just get my purse. 515 00:33:20,328 --> 00:33:23,126 - Morning, Mr Meldrew. - Morning. How are you? 516 00:33:23,168 --> 00:33:24,681 Are you all right? 517 00:33:24,728 --> 00:33:27,196 Just the worry of Mother, l suppose. 518 00:33:28,208 --> 00:33:32,121 Always knocks you for six, doesn't it, a death in the family? 519 00:33:32,168 --> 00:33:33,965 Oh. 520 00:33:35,848 --> 00:33:39,204 Oh, dear, l didn't know about this. When did this happen? 521 00:33:39,248 --> 00:33:40,761 Sorry? 522 00:33:40,808 --> 00:33:44,801 - When did she die? - Oh, on Sunday, 6:30 at the hospital. 523 00:33:44,848 --> 00:33:48,318 l didn't know she'd been taken up there. 524 00:33:48,368 --> 00:33:50,086 Who? 525 00:33:51,128 --> 00:33:55,519 - Your mother. - Oh, yeah. Took her up in the afternoon, 526 00:33:55,568 --> 00:33:58,128 no sooner got her up there than we lost her. 527 00:33:58,168 --> 00:34:00,887 - Didn't Mrs Meldrew tell you? - She didn't, no. 528 00:34:00,928 --> 00:34:04,443 lt's all been a pretty gruelling experience. 529 00:34:04,488 --> 00:34:08,163 l've just got back with her from the crematorium, actually. 530 00:34:11,888 --> 00:34:13,287 Really? 531 00:34:13,328 --> 00:34:17,606 l was telling Mrs Meldrew, she's still a bit on the hot side, unfortunately. 532 00:34:20,528 --> 00:34:22,758 ls she? Yes. 533 00:34:22,808 --> 00:34:25,322 Take a while to cool down, l expect. 534 00:34:25,368 --> 00:34:27,962 l expect, yes. 535 00:34:30,968 --> 00:34:33,801 l said l'd give your wife a lift in, it's on my way. 536 00:34:33,848 --> 00:34:37,682 You couldn't do me a favour and keep an eye on Mother for me? 537 00:34:37,728 --> 00:34:42,244 lt's just the thought of leaving her on her own. Do you know what l mean? 538 00:34:45,408 --> 00:34:48,127 No, no. Right. 539 00:34:48,168 --> 00:34:50,887 - Ready when you are! - Coming, Mrs Meldrew. 540 00:34:50,928 --> 00:34:54,762 See you later then and thanks very much, l appreciate it. 541 00:34:54,808 --> 00:34:57,447 - (Margaret) Bye, Victor! - Bye, then! 542 00:35:10,288 --> 00:35:12,279 (Gasps) 543 00:35:29,848 --> 00:35:32,885 - (Phone) - Oh! Oh, my God! 544 00:35:36,728 --> 00:35:38,684 Yes? 545 00:35:38,728 --> 00:35:41,117 What? 546 00:35:41,168 --> 00:35:46,083 No, l bloody well don't want to subscribe to Which? Bugger off! 547 00:35:46,128 --> 00:35:48,119 Oh! 548 00:35:49,968 --> 00:35:51,959 l don't believe it. 549 00:36:18,568 --> 00:36:20,559 (Vacuum cleaner whirs) 550 00:37:06,248 --> 00:37:08,716 You'll remember to get those chops, won't you? 551 00:37:08,768 --> 00:37:12,886 lt's Sarah's leaving do at lunch time, so l doubt l'll get the chance. 552 00:37:12,928 --> 00:37:15,158 This is an interesting one. 553 00:37:15,208 --> 00:37:20,328 He's just come outside and unravelled six toilet rolls into a cast-iron skillet. 554 00:37:20,368 --> 00:37:22,802 He's scrunched them up and set fire to them. 555 00:37:22,848 --> 00:37:25,760 Patrick, will you come away from that bloody window? 556 00:37:25,808 --> 00:37:29,562 He's sprinkling Mazola cooking oil all over them to make them burn. 557 00:37:29,608 --> 00:37:31,599 l don't believe this. 558 00:37:31,648 --> 00:37:35,243 He's mashing up all the ashes with the end of a rolling pin. 559 00:37:35,288 --> 00:37:39,327 - Like a mortar and pestle. - Yes, l dare say he is. 560 00:37:39,368 --> 00:37:41,359 Where are the car keys? 561 00:37:42,688 --> 00:37:45,156 What do you mean, ''Yes, l daresay he is''? 562 00:37:45,208 --> 00:37:47,039 What sort of remark is that? 563 00:37:47,088 --> 00:37:50,205 Talk about being anally fixated, my God. 564 00:37:50,248 --> 00:37:53,001 - You say he's normal? - l never said he was normal. 565 00:37:53,048 --> 00:37:56,404 You're not telling me these are the actions of a sane human being. 566 00:37:56,448 --> 00:37:59,724 - The man must be shot to buggery. - Did you hear me? 567 00:37:59,768 --> 00:38:03,078 - You're getting the chops. - Yes, l heard you. 568 00:38:04,088 --> 00:38:06,318 Right, l'll see you tonight then. 569 00:38:12,008 --> 00:38:13,839 Mad as a bloody March hare. 570 00:38:13,888 --> 00:38:18,006 l wonder if we could get him certified on BUPA. 571 00:38:19,008 --> 00:38:22,637 Where have you been? Your meal's nearly ready. 572 00:38:22,688 --> 00:38:26,078 l suddenly realised it was the last day to pay the video rental. 573 00:38:26,128 --> 00:38:28,039 There was a queue a mile long up there. 574 00:38:28,088 --> 00:38:31,797 l get back to the car and find out she had tapped in the wrong amount. 575 00:38:31,848 --> 00:38:34,806 l had to go traipsing all the way back again. 576 00:38:36,008 --> 00:38:38,806 Where is it? Has he taken it? 577 00:38:38,848 --> 00:38:40,839 Has who taken what? 578 00:38:40,888 --> 00:38:42,879 Evidently. 579 00:38:42,928 --> 00:38:47,479 Can you imagine bringing something like that into someone else's house? 580 00:38:47,528 --> 00:38:50,042 Don't suppose he'll notice the difference. 581 00:38:50,088 --> 00:38:54,400 What are you rabbiting about? Do you want toasted buns, or use up the stale? 582 00:38:54,448 --> 00:38:57,167 Use up the stale, it'll be fine for toast. 583 00:38:57,208 --> 00:39:00,086 Ah, do my ears deceive me, 584 00:39:00,128 --> 00:39:05,566 or is that the rumble of the Tuesday night paper shredder chattering into life? 585 00:39:06,608 --> 00:39:08,838 Ah, yes, here it comes. 586 00:39:09,848 --> 00:39:14,558 All the local news straight off the presses. 587 00:39:15,568 --> 00:39:20,403 l don't know why they don't just print it on confetti and be done with it. 588 00:39:21,728 --> 00:39:23,719 Where is it? 589 00:39:24,728 --> 00:39:28,323 ''Your Problems Answered by Mimsy Birkovitz.'' 590 00:39:30,128 --> 00:39:31,720 ''Dear Mimsy, 591 00:39:31,768 --> 00:39:35,761 ''l wonder if l am unusual in only having one eyebrow. 592 00:39:35,808 --> 00:39:39,039 ''lt stretches over both my eyes and the top of my nose, 593 00:39:39,088 --> 00:39:40,999 ''giving me the appearance of 594 00:39:41,048 --> 00:39:45,360 ''someone with a nine-inch caterpillar crawling across their face.'' 595 00:39:46,408 --> 00:39:49,161 l don't believe some of these. 596 00:39:49,208 --> 00:39:51,199 Listen to this one. 597 00:39:51,248 --> 00:39:55,719 ''Dear Wife At Her Wit's End, please stop worrying. 598 00:39:55,768 --> 00:39:59,283 ''l assure you, it is not possible to catch venereal disease 599 00:39:59,328 --> 00:40:02,206 ''from underpants bought at a jumble sale.'' 600 00:40:05,648 --> 00:40:09,277 - l'm dishing up now, all right? - Yes, right. 601 00:40:13,368 --> 00:40:16,326 l don't believe it. Look at this. 602 00:40:18,808 --> 00:40:21,561 - Look at what? - Look at this headline. 603 00:40:21,608 --> 00:40:25,078 ''Gardeners Reel At Doomsday Dung Horror.'' 604 00:40:26,088 --> 00:40:29,876 ''Dozens of elderly gardeners were today being treated for shock 605 00:40:29,928 --> 00:40:33,045 ''after learning that radioactive horse manure 606 00:40:33,088 --> 00:40:37,718 ''had been dumped in an allotment close to where they work. 607 00:40:37,768 --> 00:40:42,444 ''Although a local health official said the material had been declared safe, 608 00:40:42,488 --> 00:40:46,606 ''a wave of panic has already set in amongst local allotment holders, 609 00:40:46,648 --> 00:40:51,642 ''sparking fears of mutant parsnips and giant stampeding earthworms, 610 00:40:51,688 --> 00:40:55,078 ''as depicted in the science-fiction film Tremors. 611 00:40:55,128 --> 00:40:59,280 ''Said 70-year-old Mr Horace Tring of Khartoum Terrace, 612 00:40:59,328 --> 00:41:02,445 '''This is Three Mile lsland all over again.' 613 00:41:03,888 --> 00:41:05,560 ''Mean...'' (Gasps) 614 00:41:05,608 --> 00:41:12,446 ''Meanwhile, the spreader of the Doomsday Dung, Mr Victor Meldrew, 61 , 615 00:41:12,488 --> 00:41:14,922 ''had this morning gone to ground...'' 616 00:41:14,968 --> 00:41:17,960 Gone to ground? l'd gone to Gateway. 617 00:41:18,768 --> 00:41:21,965 ''..and was refusing to answer the door to reporters, 618 00:41:22,008 --> 00:41:24,841 ''but neighbours close to his Riverbank home confirmed 619 00:41:24,888 --> 00:41:27,686 ''that the manure, whilst outside Meldrew's house, 620 00:41:27,728 --> 00:41:31,801 ''had been seen to emit a strange, sinister glow in the dark.'' 621 00:41:31,848 --> 00:41:33,884 l don't bel... 622 00:41:33,928 --> 00:41:38,524 Can you believe this? They've blown the whole thing out of all bloody proportion. 623 00:41:38,568 --> 00:41:41,765 What's their number? l'm going to ring the editor now. 624 00:41:43,208 --> 00:41:44,960 (Doorbell) 625 00:41:48,208 --> 00:41:49,766 Mr Meldrew? 626 00:41:49,808 --> 00:41:51,560 What? 627 00:41:51,608 --> 00:41:55,362 Ben Killick, chairman of the Allotments Association. 628 00:41:55,408 --> 00:41:59,037 l'm afraid you've caused an upset amongst some of our members, 629 00:41:59,088 --> 00:42:04,116 so l've been instructed to call round here to tell you that steps have been taken. 630 00:42:04,168 --> 00:42:06,477 Steps? What sort of... 631 00:42:06,528 --> 00:42:11,238 Look, there's no risk involved. Everything's been declared totally safe. 632 00:42:11,288 --> 00:42:14,086 A man came and checked it, took samples for analysis. 633 00:42:14,128 --> 00:42:16,198 So l've been led to believe, Mr Meldrew. 634 00:42:16,248 --> 00:42:19,684 There's only one question l want to ask and that is, 635 00:42:19,728 --> 00:42:22,845 do you or do you not wish to keep that allotment? 636 00:42:22,888 --> 00:42:25,641 Of course l want to keep it. 637 00:42:25,688 --> 00:42:27,679 Ah, fair enough then. 638 00:42:27,728 --> 00:42:30,561 Otherwise, you see, we would've taken it up to the tip. 639 00:42:30,608 --> 00:42:32,439 OK, George. 640 00:42:32,488 --> 00:42:34,399 (Engine starts up) 641 00:42:52,688 --> 00:42:55,680 What the... What... You... 642 00:42:58,648 --> 00:43:01,162 Pollute your own environment if you want to, 643 00:43:01,208 --> 00:43:03,676 but you're not going to pollute ours. 644 00:43:17,568 --> 00:43:19,559 (Sighs) 645 00:43:19,608 --> 00:43:22,406 - Mr Meldrew? - Oh, God save us, here we go. 646 00:43:22,448 --> 00:43:26,327 Look, it wasn't my fault. lt was the bloody press that stirred all this up. 647 00:43:26,368 --> 00:43:30,327 The stupid, senile... l didn't ask them to get the bloody lot and cart it back! 648 00:43:30,368 --> 00:43:32,643 Victor, will you wrap up? 649 00:43:33,888 --> 00:43:35,606 Patrick, what is it? 650 00:43:37,088 --> 00:43:40,046 l wondered if one of you could run me up to the hospital. 651 00:43:40,088 --> 00:43:42,318 There's been a very bad bus crash. 652 00:43:44,048 --> 00:43:47,563 lt's all right, love. lt's OK. 653 00:43:47,608 --> 00:43:49,997 l feel worse than l look. 654 00:43:50,048 --> 00:43:53,165 You mean you look worse than you feel? 655 00:43:54,488 --> 00:43:56,240 No. 656 00:43:57,208 --> 00:43:59,199 Just one of those things. 657 00:43:59,248 --> 00:44:03,878 Car shot out in front of me from a side street. l went straight in. 658 00:44:03,928 --> 00:44:05,998 lt wasn't your fault. 659 00:44:06,048 --> 00:44:10,485 - Don't blame yourself. - Maniac with bollocks for brains. 660 00:44:11,488 --> 00:44:16,243 l could've ploughed across the traffic and killed 50 people. 661 00:44:16,288 --> 00:44:18,563 l don't know how l didn't. 662 00:44:20,448 --> 00:44:23,008 Breath test was positive, of course. 663 00:44:23,048 --> 00:44:26,040 lsn't it always? 664 00:44:26,088 --> 00:44:29,683 When are people ever going to get it into their skulls? 665 00:44:29,728 --> 00:44:32,959 He should be locked away for life. There's simply no excuse. 666 00:44:33,968 --> 00:44:38,041 No, l don't think you understand, Margaret. 667 00:44:38,088 --> 00:44:41,046 My breath test was positive. 668 00:44:44,128 --> 00:44:45,356 No? 669 00:44:45,408 --> 00:44:49,401 Just over. Three milligrams or something. 670 00:44:49,448 --> 00:44:53,361 l mean, l know l was fine, but that's not the point, of course. 671 00:44:53,408 --> 00:44:56,718 You're quite right, Margaret, no excuse at all. 672 00:44:58,528 --> 00:45:02,806 Lunch time, one of the office staff was leaving. 673 00:45:02,848 --> 00:45:05,840 l had three martinis pushed into my hand. 674 00:45:07,168 --> 00:45:10,638 Well, l've paid for it now, haven't l? 675 00:45:10,688 --> 00:45:13,919 lt's all right. Try not to keep thinking about it. 676 00:45:13,968 --> 00:45:17,881 Lost my licence, lost my job. 677 00:45:20,248 --> 00:45:22,239 Lost my baby. 678 00:45:37,008 --> 00:45:38,999 Typical, l suppose, really. 679 00:45:39,048 --> 00:45:42,199 Should've ended up the same way as it began. 680 00:45:44,408 --> 00:45:46,399 Accidents will happen. 681 00:45:50,968 --> 00:45:54,643 l wonder why they didn't put that on my birth certificate. 682 00:45:54,688 --> 00:45:56,679 ''Life by misadventure.'' 683 00:45:57,688 --> 00:46:00,077 lt would've just about summed it all up. 684 00:46:02,368 --> 00:46:07,237 l've just been down to check the back door. l found this stuck to the glass. 685 00:46:08,408 --> 00:46:09,921 Mm... 686 00:46:11,648 --> 00:46:14,116 Shall l put it in the book? 687 00:46:15,128 --> 00:46:17,198 What book? 688 00:46:20,368 --> 00:46:22,359 How's the bedtime drink? 689 00:46:22,408 --> 00:46:26,606 - Yes, fine. What is it? - lt's a special herbal tea. 690 00:46:26,648 --> 00:46:29,082 Pippa got it for me at the health-food shop. 691 00:46:29,128 --> 00:46:33,918 Said, ''Drink all that back and you'll have the best night's sleep ever.'' 692 00:46:47,488 --> 00:46:49,399 Night, then. 693 00:46:49,448 --> 00:46:51,439 Night. 694 00:47:02,368 --> 00:47:04,245 (Victor coughs) 695 00:47:05,608 --> 00:47:07,599 (Victor vomits) 696 00:47:09,688 --> 00:47:11,679 (Gasping) 697 00:47:15,168 --> 00:47:17,728 ♪ They say l might as well face the truth 698 00:47:18,888 --> 00:47:21,925 ♪ That l am just too long in the tooth 699 00:47:21,968 --> 00:47:25,324 ♪ l've started to deteriorate 700 00:47:25,368 --> 00:47:28,917 ♪ And now l've passed my own sell-by date 701 00:47:28,968 --> 00:47:32,756 ♪ Oh, l am no spring chicken, it's true 702 00:47:32,808 --> 00:47:36,244 ♪ l have to pop my teeth in to chew 703 00:47:36,288 --> 00:47:39,678 ♪ And my old knees have started to knock 704 00:47:39,728 --> 00:47:43,607 ♪ l've just got too many miles on the clock 705 00:47:43,648 --> 00:47:46,845 ♪ So l'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways 706 00:47:46,888 --> 00:47:50,767 ♪ lt's true that my body has seen better days 707 00:47:50,808 --> 00:47:54,403 ♪ But give me half a chance and l can still misbehave 708 00:47:54,448 --> 00:47:56,678 ♪ One foot in the grave 709 00:47:57,808 --> 00:48:00,276 ♪ One foot in the grave 710 00:48:01,328 --> 00:48:03,717 ♪ One foot in the grave ♪ 711 00:48:03,767 --> 00:48:08,317 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 59430

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