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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,046 --> 00:00:06,436 # They say I might as well face the truth 2 00:00:06,646 --> 00:00:09,922 # That I am just too long in the tooth 3 00:00:10,126 --> 00:00:13,402 # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed 4 00:00:13,606 --> 00:00:16,837 # But I am not yet quite gone to seed 5 00:00:17,046 --> 00:00:20,925 # I may be over the hill now that I have retired 6 00:00:21,126 --> 00:00:24,243 # Fading away, but I'm not yet expired 7 00:00:24,446 --> 00:00:28,405 # Clapped out, run down, too old to save 8 00:00:28,606 --> 00:00:31,200 # One foot in the grave # 9 00:00:34,646 --> 00:00:38,639 Now, you see, if you follow the actual curve of the thigh 10 00:00:38,806 --> 00:00:43,197 right the way up to the waist, you can see it's... Mr Meldrew? 11 00:00:43,366 --> 00:00:48,360 You can see that it's actually a virtual right angle. There. You see? 12 00:00:48,526 --> 00:00:53,680 - Yes. - Look at her thighs and look at your thighs. 13 00:00:53,886 --> 00:00:56,844 Not at the floor, Mr Meldrew. At her thighs. 14 00:00:57,006 --> 00:01:00,282 - There aren't any thighs on the floor. - No. 15 00:01:01,286 --> 00:01:03,481 Now the head. 16 00:01:03,646 --> 00:01:05,841 Look at this. 17 00:01:06,006 --> 00:01:10,397 This looks like the result of some hideous medical experiment. 18 00:01:10,566 --> 00:01:13,478 It's... I mean, what is it, Mr Meldrew? 19 00:01:14,486 --> 00:01:16,954 It isn't any known terrestrial life form. 20 00:01:17,966 --> 00:01:22,562 What's that film? ''The Thing'' by John Carpenter? And what are these? 21 00:01:22,766 --> 00:01:27,396 - Next to her nose, up here. - I'm not quite sure what they are. 22 00:01:27,606 --> 00:01:30,598 - They look like tusks! - They do a bit. 23 00:01:30,766 --> 00:01:33,405 You see, if I'd wanted a pencil sketch 24 00:01:33,566 --> 00:01:38,162 of some heraldic beast suffering from various congenital deformities, 25 00:01:38,326 --> 00:01:41,443 I would have brought one in. You see? 26 00:01:41,646 --> 00:01:44,843 - And got it to pose on the couch, - Yes, I see, yes. 27 00:01:45,006 --> 00:01:48,999 - Are you comfy, Mrs Mauleverer? - Fine, thank you. 28 00:01:49,166 --> 00:01:55,162 Have another go. Try to think of the proportions a bit more. What are you using for this, anyway? 29 00:01:55,326 --> 00:01:58,716 Some advanced form of diamond-cutting implement? 30 00:01:58,886 --> 00:02:02,879 2H. I got on rather well with it last week with the cup and saucer. 31 00:02:03,046 --> 00:02:05,844 Yes, but this isn't a cup and saucer, is it? 32 00:02:07,846 --> 00:02:10,440 No...not really. It isn't. 33 00:02:10,606 --> 00:02:14,281 Use something softer and keep it well sharpened. You have a Stanley knife? 34 00:02:14,486 --> 00:02:18,479 - Yes. - Well, try using it, please. 35 00:02:24,046 --> 00:02:27,277 No! No, you will not! 36 00:02:27,486 --> 00:02:32,606 Leave it in the garage! There's quite enough death on the road as it is. I'll get a taxi. 37 00:02:36,646 --> 00:02:42,004 Lost his contact lenses again, my father. Old people are such a worry, aren't they? 38 00:02:44,246 --> 00:02:47,921 Whereabouts do you live, then? Perhaps I can give you a lift. 39 00:02:48,646 --> 00:02:51,524 Oh. Do you know Southern Crescent at all? 40 00:02:51,726 --> 00:02:56,117 You won't have another foam-back as long as you live! 41 00:02:56,286 --> 00:03:00,882 Oh, please, don't! And go through this performance again? 42 00:03:01,046 --> 00:03:05,244 We've still got all the bedrooms upstairs to clear out next week. 43 00:03:05,406 --> 00:03:10,400 I'll have little rubber crumbs under my nails for ever more. Oh! Damn! 44 00:03:11,446 --> 00:03:16,122 - That's another splinter! Look. - Where? Let me look. 45 00:03:17,126 --> 00:03:20,914 - Oh, dear. That looks a bit nasty. - Mm. 46 00:03:25,846 --> 00:03:28,235 What are you doing? I said I'd do that. 47 00:03:28,406 --> 00:03:32,797 Yes, well, Mr Wharton has been very nice and been helping me. 48 00:03:32,966 --> 00:03:37,960 Yes. Better be on my way, though, I suppose. Bye-bye, Mr Meldrew. 49 00:03:38,126 --> 00:03:40,924 And er...see you tomorrow, I hope. 50 00:03:41,086 --> 00:03:45,876 Oh, see you then. Thanks very much. Bye-bye, then. 51 00:03:46,046 --> 00:03:48,435 Bye-bye. Bye-bye. 52 00:03:51,846 --> 00:03:54,838 - Where was this? - Under the gooseberry bush. 53 00:03:55,006 --> 00:04:00,205 Strange. I always thought Weetabix packets were a result of sexual intercourse. 54 00:04:03,046 --> 00:04:06,118 So how did it go this week? What did you draw? 55 00:04:06,326 --> 00:04:12,322 I suppose I'd be living in a fool's paradise to ask if they've fixed that phone yet? 56 00:04:12,486 --> 00:04:15,319 (TELEPHONE RINGS WEAKLY) 57 00:04:18,566 --> 00:04:21,160 Fool's Paradise 300. Hello! 58 00:04:21,326 --> 00:04:23,317 Hello! 59 00:04:25,046 --> 00:04:27,082 Bloody thing! 60 00:04:28,046 --> 00:04:32,642 - I said what did you have to draw tonight? - Seven days ago they were to do that! 61 00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:37,800 - Am I talking to myself? - Erm, draw. Do you know, I can't remember. 62 00:04:37,966 --> 00:04:41,595 It was...a nude, yes. That's right, of course. I remember now. 63 00:04:41,806 --> 00:04:47,164 - A nude? What - a nude woman? - As far as one could tell, yes. 64 00:04:50,046 --> 00:04:53,038 Why has she got tusks? 65 00:04:53,206 --> 00:04:56,357 That was a first attempt. Don't look at that. 66 00:04:59,606 --> 00:05:03,918 - Oh. Very nice. - Thank you very much. 67 00:05:04,126 --> 00:05:08,517 I suppose you had to draw her breasts in this much detail, did you? 68 00:05:08,686 --> 00:05:12,042 - What? - You had to put breasts on her? 69 00:05:12,246 --> 00:05:17,240 What was I supposed to do? Ask if she would mind slipping them off for a few minutes? 70 00:05:17,406 --> 00:05:21,638 Hang them up on the clothes peg next to her handbag? 71 00:05:21,846 --> 00:05:24,644 You might have had the decency to rub them out. 72 00:05:24,846 --> 00:05:29,317 Rub them out?! What's the point of her being nude, then? 73 00:05:29,526 --> 00:05:31,721 You tell me! 74 00:05:31,886 --> 00:05:34,275 No wonder you're late home, 75 00:05:34,446 --> 00:05:38,837 having to tear yourself away from this orgy of flesh! 76 00:05:39,046 --> 00:05:43,597 After I gave her a lift home I got lost in the one-way system. 77 00:05:43,806 --> 00:05:46,195 Gave who a lift home? The naked woman? 78 00:05:46,366 --> 00:05:48,436 A naked woman? 79 00:05:48,646 --> 00:05:51,114 She wasn't naked when I gave her a lift! 80 00:05:52,446 --> 00:05:55,438 You've had a naked woman in the car? 81 00:05:55,646 --> 00:05:58,444 Not in the car she wasn't naked! 82 00:05:58,646 --> 00:06:03,436 - She didn't sit in the passenger seat? - No, I strapped her to the roof rack (!) 83 00:06:03,606 --> 00:06:06,325 Attracted a few stares at the traffic lights. 84 00:06:06,486 --> 00:06:10,559 She's not naked all the time! She does occasionally put on some clothes. 85 00:06:10,766 --> 00:06:15,476 - She's naked by profession. - What the hell is that supposed to mean? 86 00:06:15,646 --> 00:06:20,959 She's a model. She happens to be an artist. She models for friends. It's perfectly logical. 87 00:06:21,166 --> 00:06:23,634 Oh, know all about her now, do you? 88 00:06:24,846 --> 00:06:28,759 Well, yes. She's um...offered me a little part-time job. 89 00:06:31,686 --> 00:06:35,679 - Oh, yes? - Cleaning around her house once a week. 90 00:06:35,846 --> 00:06:41,603 She's divorced now. Her father stays with her and is a bit of a handful, so a few extra bob... 91 00:06:41,806 --> 00:06:46,596 Well, you don't have any objection, surely to goodness? 92 00:06:46,806 --> 00:06:48,603 Oh! 93 00:06:52,846 --> 00:06:55,406 Off to the funfair with Mr Wharton, are we? 94 00:06:55,566 --> 00:07:00,356 So would you be if you weren't skivvying for Lady Godiva all day. Excuse me. 95 00:07:00,526 --> 00:07:05,316 - Remember to hold his hand in the ghost train. - I'll bring you back a toffee apple. 96 00:07:07,046 --> 00:07:11,039 Funfairs! We'll all be off to kindergarten next. 97 00:07:15,046 --> 00:07:17,640 That's not bad, you know, that. 98 00:07:17,806 --> 00:07:20,639 You ought to take up painting. 99 00:07:20,846 --> 00:07:23,440 Very good of the flamingo, especially. 100 00:07:24,446 --> 00:07:26,835 That looks a treat, that. 101 00:07:27,006 --> 00:07:31,796 Yes. What about the carpet? Does that look... Flamingo?! 102 00:07:33,046 --> 00:07:35,435 That's a bowl of fruit! 103 00:07:35,646 --> 00:07:39,036 - Sorry? - That's a bowl of fruit! 104 00:07:39,206 --> 00:07:42,004 What? In the middle of a flamingo colony? 105 00:07:42,166 --> 00:07:44,555 On top of the television set! 106 00:07:45,566 --> 00:07:50,162 Oh, I see now! It's a bowl of fruit on top of a television set. 107 00:07:50,326 --> 00:07:52,715 Being eaten by a flamingo. 108 00:07:52,886 --> 00:07:57,277 There aren't any flamingos in it! Where do you get flamingos from? 109 00:07:57,446 --> 00:08:01,644 That's a still life I did bef... I don't have time to stand arguing. 110 00:08:01,806 --> 00:08:05,196 I've got a job to go to myself. I'll leave you to it. 111 00:08:05,366 --> 00:08:08,358 Right, no sweat there. I'll be fine. No problem. 112 00:08:10,646 --> 00:08:14,764 - Yes, it's all go, carpet-laying, isn't it (?) - Oh, you wouldn't chuckle. 113 00:08:14,966 --> 00:08:17,958 No, I wouldn't. 114 00:08:30,446 --> 00:08:32,437 Flamingo?! 115 00:08:42,646 --> 00:08:45,035 Mad. Completely mad. 116 00:09:04,646 --> 00:09:06,841 Excuse me? 117 00:09:07,006 --> 00:09:10,521 - Excuse me, you don't need to do that. - What? 118 00:09:10,686 --> 00:09:13,678 I'm doing this room! No need for you to do it! 119 00:09:13,846 --> 00:09:16,758 I'M doing this room. Excuse me, please. 120 00:09:16,926 --> 00:09:19,360 I'm being paid to do it! 121 00:09:20,446 --> 00:09:22,835 Oh, what's he up to now? 122 00:09:24,726 --> 00:09:27,115 It's off! Father! 123 00:09:27,286 --> 00:09:29,277 Father! It's off! 124 00:09:31,446 --> 00:09:36,122 I'm not entirely helpless. I am still capable. Who is this, anyway? 125 00:09:36,326 --> 00:09:40,922 That's Mr Meldrew, Father. I'm paying him to clean up for us. 126 00:09:41,086 --> 00:09:46,444 - He can sod off! I don't like the look of him. - Well, he can't help his looks, can he? 127 00:09:46,646 --> 00:09:50,844 - No more than you can. - You've never approved of this wig. 128 00:09:51,006 --> 00:09:55,204 Father, it's completely immaterial to me what bizarre objects 129 00:09:55,366 --> 00:09:57,926 you go around balancing on your head all day. 130 00:09:58,126 --> 00:10:01,641 All I ask is that I be allowed to decide how... 131 00:10:05,046 --> 00:10:07,640 Satisfied now? 132 00:10:07,806 --> 00:10:13,199 Will you stop being...?! Quick! Switch back on again or he'll get the better of you. 133 00:10:13,366 --> 00:10:15,561 Go on! 134 00:10:15,726 --> 00:10:18,320 That's it! Good! Good! 135 00:10:18,486 --> 00:10:23,082 Good! Oh, quick! Look out! Don't let him get that cobweb! 136 00:10:26,646 --> 00:10:32,357 Oh, no! Look what you've done! Have you got your contact lenses in today or not? 137 00:10:39,886 --> 00:10:42,275 Do you mind if I make a suggestion? 138 00:10:42,446 --> 00:10:46,564 Take the lenses out, put the saucers in. Then we might get somewhere. 139 00:10:46,766 --> 00:10:49,360 Don't you be so cheeky to me! 140 00:10:49,526 --> 00:10:53,565 I'm not so blind that I can't do simple tasks about the house! 141 00:10:53,766 --> 00:10:58,999 Oh, really? I suppose that hedgehog just leapt into the lawn mower for a haircut last time? 142 00:11:00,206 --> 00:11:05,280 I can see that I am not wanted in any respect whatsoever in this house! 143 00:11:05,486 --> 00:11:10,082 - Do stop being so truculent! - I'm going out now. Going out of this house. 144 00:11:10,246 --> 00:11:14,524 And I may not bother ever coming back again! Goodbye, Doreen! 145 00:11:21,846 --> 00:11:26,237 That's the downstairs toilet he's walked into there. 146 00:11:26,406 --> 00:11:28,795 He's never got it right yet. 147 00:11:37,046 --> 00:11:41,085 So, I'll give you a ring, shall I, sometime or other? 148 00:11:41,286 --> 00:11:43,880 Yes, yes, right. Thanks. 149 00:11:44,046 --> 00:11:48,358 - There we go. - I really enjoyed today. 150 00:11:48,566 --> 00:11:50,955 So did I. So did I. 151 00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:55,435 All right, then, Harold? 152 00:11:56,486 --> 00:11:58,875 See you...soon. OK? 153 00:11:59,886 --> 00:12:03,083 - Bye. - Bye. Bye. 154 00:12:15,486 --> 00:12:17,875 (SNORING) 155 00:12:19,846 --> 00:12:24,442 There we are then, Victor. That's lovely. You've been a great help. 156 00:12:24,606 --> 00:12:29,361 Erm, listen, how are you fixed on Friday to do another little job for me? 157 00:12:29,566 --> 00:12:31,921 Erm...Friday? 158 00:12:32,126 --> 00:12:34,515 (DOOR CLOSES) 159 00:12:35,646 --> 00:12:38,035 I'm back! 160 00:12:38,846 --> 00:12:44,842 - How's it looking? Is he finished? - Erm, well, no. He hasn't exactly finished, no. 161 00:12:45,846 --> 00:12:48,201 Why not? Where is he? 162 00:12:48,406 --> 00:12:50,795 He's upstairs. 163 00:12:50,966 --> 00:12:53,161 He's um... 164 00:12:54,366 --> 00:12:56,755 ..asleep. 165 00:12:56,926 --> 00:13:00,965 - Is this some sort of joke? - I didn't like to wake him up. 166 00:13:01,166 --> 00:13:04,044 He might have turned nasty or anything. 167 00:13:37,046 --> 00:13:39,685 He's gone to bed now. 168 00:13:39,886 --> 00:13:42,241 - What? - He's gone to bed up there. 169 00:13:42,446 --> 00:13:47,440 - What do you mean? - I mean he's creosoting a rhinoceros (!) 170 00:13:48,606 --> 00:13:51,484 What do you think I mean? He's gone to bed. 171 00:13:51,646 --> 00:13:54,604 He's lying up there in our bed, fast asleep! 172 00:13:54,806 --> 00:13:57,400 I don't believe you. 173 00:14:06,646 --> 00:14:09,035 (SNORING) 174 00:14:15,446 --> 00:14:19,155 - Right. Do I lie? - What are we going to do? 175 00:14:21,246 --> 00:14:23,840 Get hold of the Yellow Pages. 176 00:14:31,646 --> 00:14:37,243 - What am I looking up? - Look in S for ''smart lawyers'' and get me one! 177 00:14:37,446 --> 00:14:41,837 I'm about to commit first-degree murder with a six-foot rubber banana! 178 00:14:42,006 --> 00:14:45,999 - Victor, put it down! - Wakey-wakey, rise and shine! 179 00:14:46,166 --> 00:14:51,445 - Oh, my God! Where am I? - In your worst bloody nightmare! Out of my bed! 180 00:14:51,646 --> 00:14:55,639 - Oh, sorry! I must have nodded off. - Didn't even take his shoes off! 181 00:14:55,806 --> 00:14:58,400 I felt a bit tired. I thought I was at home. 182 00:14:58,566 --> 00:15:02,354 - I'm terribly, terribly sorry. - Nothing to worry about. 183 00:15:02,526 --> 00:15:07,122 Nothing to worry about?! Come back again and we'll read you a bedtime story (!) 184 00:15:07,286 --> 00:15:09,880 Get out of my house! Get out! 185 00:15:14,446 --> 00:15:18,439 Don't they make these things to stay up any more? 186 00:16:00,766 --> 00:16:04,964 I see Mrs Althorp's got a man up her pole this morning. 187 00:16:05,126 --> 00:16:09,677 If they can fix their telephone, why not ours? Who are they from? 188 00:16:09,846 --> 00:16:15,239 From Mr Wharton, from his greenhouse. They were on the front doorstep. Very nice thought. 189 00:16:15,406 --> 00:16:20,196 Margaret, can't you see what's going on here? You don't want to be naive all your life. 190 00:16:20,406 --> 00:16:24,001 - What? - He just wants to show off, doesn't he? 191 00:16:24,166 --> 00:16:26,760 What a wonderful gardener he is and I'm not. 192 00:16:27,766 --> 00:16:31,759 There will be bunches of prize parsnips next, you'll see. 193 00:16:31,926 --> 00:16:35,919 Slices of champion tomato posted through the letter box. 194 00:16:36,086 --> 00:16:38,884 (TELEPHONE RINGS) 195 00:16:39,886 --> 00:16:42,275 Hello? Hello! 196 00:16:43,046 --> 00:16:45,037 Hello! 197 00:16:45,206 --> 00:16:48,278 - Right. That's it. - Where are you going? 198 00:16:48,486 --> 00:16:52,877 To try to get through to someone helpful at British Telecom! 199 00:16:53,046 --> 00:16:59,519 I'm sorry. I seem to be uttering the demented gibberings of a madman. I'll phone anyway. 200 00:17:01,046 --> 00:17:03,640 (DOOR SLAMS) 201 00:17:12,446 --> 00:17:14,835 (DOOR SLAMS) 202 00:17:19,246 --> 00:17:23,034 They say they're going to try to send someone later today. 203 00:17:23,206 --> 00:17:26,642 They think it's a fault between here and the next junction box. 204 00:17:26,806 --> 00:17:31,561 There's only one engineer on, so God alone knows what time he'll get here! 205 00:17:31,726 --> 00:17:34,923 - I'm going out for the day. - What? 206 00:17:35,126 --> 00:17:39,756 Well, you won't be here, will you? You'll be out again - at your girlfriend's. 207 00:17:39,966 --> 00:17:42,526 - What? - The one with the naked breasts! 208 00:17:42,726 --> 00:17:46,924 I don't think I've got any naked men to keep ME company! 209 00:17:48,846 --> 00:17:51,235 No. Fresh out, I'm afraid. 210 00:17:51,406 --> 00:17:56,196 So I'm just going to have a day out. Harold's coming round at 12. 211 00:17:56,366 --> 00:18:01,156 She only wanted someone to pose for her, Margaret. That's all it is. 212 00:18:01,326 --> 00:18:06,320 Something special she was working on and she said she desperately needed a man's body. 213 00:18:11,246 --> 00:18:16,081 So independent, that's the real trouble. You just can't reason with him. 214 00:18:16,286 --> 00:18:18,277 Yes. 215 00:18:19,846 --> 00:18:22,519 Mrs Mauleverer, I was just... 216 00:18:22,726 --> 00:18:25,763 - Erm, Doreen, please. - Doreen. 217 00:18:25,966 --> 00:18:28,355 Yes. A thought just occurred to me. 218 00:18:28,526 --> 00:18:32,360 - This sketch for your painting of... - The crucifixion of St Peter. 219 00:18:32,566 --> 00:18:34,557 Yes. 220 00:18:34,726 --> 00:18:39,322 I was just wondering what would happen if I just stand on the floor 221 00:18:39,486 --> 00:18:42,125 and you turn the painting upside down afterwards. 222 00:18:43,446 --> 00:18:46,518 It doesn't quite work like that, I'm afraid. 223 00:18:46,686 --> 00:18:50,281 The muscle tensions would be entirely different. 224 00:18:50,486 --> 00:18:53,398 Er, yes. Just a thought. 225 00:18:55,446 --> 00:18:59,997 - Where are you off to? - Going upstairs to get my gas mask. 226 00:19:00,206 --> 00:19:03,596 - Whatever for? - Oh, sorry. I forgot. 227 00:19:03,766 --> 00:19:07,554 I thought you were bringing somebody in to exterminate me. 228 00:19:07,766 --> 00:19:10,758 I thought I was nothing but a household pest. 229 00:19:12,046 --> 00:19:14,640 I could have done this, you know. 230 00:19:15,646 --> 00:19:18,035 I could have done this standing on my head. 231 00:19:19,046 --> 00:19:22,163 I am not entirely decrepit. 232 00:19:22,366 --> 00:19:26,245 Yes, well, I don't think we'll risk it with your ventricles, shall we, Father? 233 00:19:26,446 --> 00:19:29,438 I'm going to get my gas mask! 234 00:19:32,846 --> 00:19:36,839 - He's getting better. - Oh, good. 235 00:19:48,926 --> 00:19:53,522 Harold, do you think you're ever too old to be unfaithful to someone? 236 00:19:53,686 --> 00:19:58,919 - I beg your pardon, Margaret? - I mean, at our age. Do you? 237 00:20:00,046 --> 00:20:03,277 Oh, dear. You're making me shake like a jelly. 238 00:20:04,086 --> 00:20:07,078 You've been a great comfort to me lately, Harold. 239 00:20:07,286 --> 00:20:09,675 And I'm very, very grateful. 240 00:20:10,846 --> 00:20:13,235 This is just so... 241 00:20:13,406 --> 00:20:16,398 I shouldn't really bore you with all this, but... 242 00:20:17,446 --> 00:20:22,440 I was getting one of his jackets out this morning to send to the cleaner's 243 00:20:23,446 --> 00:20:28,759 and I found, in his inside pocket, what I can only describe as... 244 00:20:30,046 --> 00:20:33,641 - ..an empty packet. - My goodness. 245 00:20:33,806 --> 00:20:36,195 - Is that...? - Yes. 246 00:20:36,406 --> 00:20:38,795 - One of those...? - Yes. 247 00:20:38,966 --> 00:20:41,275 Oh, Margaret. 248 00:20:43,846 --> 00:20:48,476 - Margaret, I'm going to say something now... - Shall we go inside? 249 00:20:48,686 --> 00:20:52,838 - What? - Victor won't be back. Warm ourselves up. 250 00:20:53,046 --> 00:20:57,437 - Well... - If you don't mind the bed being a squeeze. 251 00:21:09,446 --> 00:21:12,643 You're really sure you want to...you know? 252 00:21:12,806 --> 00:21:17,402 - I'm sure I want to you know what? - Oh, good. So am I as well. 253 00:21:18,646 --> 00:21:22,639 Well, you just go in, Harold. I won't be a second. 254 00:22:29,726 --> 00:22:31,523 Oh... 255 00:22:41,046 --> 00:22:42,843 Oh! 256 00:22:49,646 --> 00:22:51,637 Ah...Aah! 257 00:22:51,806 --> 00:22:54,195 Ah! Oh, my God! 258 00:22:59,046 --> 00:23:02,038 Oh, God. Oh. 259 00:23:03,046 --> 00:23:07,961 - What the hell are you doing?! - Oh, my God! Mr Meldrew! 260 00:23:09,406 --> 00:23:13,604 Harold! What are you doing? Whatever are you doing? 261 00:23:13,766 --> 00:23:16,564 I don't know what came over me. I'm sorry. 262 00:23:16,726 --> 00:23:21,436 Oh, God, Margaret. Please, I thought... Oh, dear! What am I doing? 263 00:23:21,606 --> 00:23:25,394 What in the name of sanity is going on here just lately? 264 00:23:25,566 --> 00:23:30,560 Is there anyone else wants to come and sleep in my bed? It's open house. We accept everyone. 265 00:23:30,726 --> 00:23:34,719 All races, colours, creeds. Everyone wants to kip here eventually. 266 00:23:34,886 --> 00:23:37,275 Carpet layers, Boris Yeltsin... 267 00:23:37,446 --> 00:23:41,439 Speak, speak! Victor Meldrew's Public Dosshouse Limited. 268 00:23:41,606 --> 00:23:45,997 Yes, we're taking bookings through to the end of April '92. 269 00:23:46,166 --> 00:23:50,159 - How many pillows would you be requiring? - I think you'd better go. 270 00:23:50,326 --> 00:23:56,117 - You and I'd better have a little talk sometime. - No, but we do have a last-minute cancellation. 271 00:23:56,286 --> 00:24:00,757 Mahatma Gandhi is just leaving. Does that suit you at all? 272 00:24:00,966 --> 00:24:03,355 I'm sorry, Margaret. I'm so sorry! 273 00:24:09,246 --> 00:24:14,798 God! I seem to remember going through a mid-life crisis when I was 30. 274 00:24:15,006 --> 00:24:17,600 That means I must be about to die any second. 275 00:24:20,446 --> 00:24:22,835 You have no idea what that was about, have you? 276 00:24:23,006 --> 00:24:25,395 - No conception of any kind. - What? 277 00:24:25,566 --> 00:24:27,955 Mr Wharton. Why did he get into that bed? 278 00:24:28,166 --> 00:24:33,957 - What are you talking about? - He wasn't exhibiting prize parsnips, was he? 279 00:24:34,166 --> 00:24:38,239 Harold and I have been having an affair! And he never even told me. 280 00:24:39,846 --> 00:24:43,395 Harold Wharton? You can't be serious! 281 00:24:43,606 --> 00:24:49,203 I wasn't, he was. Evidently. And you're in no position... What's the matter with your back? 282 00:24:49,406 --> 00:24:52,079 - I put it out. - Oh, yes? 283 00:24:52,246 --> 00:24:56,637 At Doreen's. I should have known I wasn't up to it. 284 00:24:58,446 --> 00:25:03,236 I should never have let her talk me into it. In that position for two hours! 285 00:25:05,046 --> 00:25:07,082 I'm lucky I can still walk. 286 00:25:09,246 --> 00:25:14,001 You have absolutely no shame, have you? 287 00:25:14,206 --> 00:25:16,640 - What? - No shame of any kind. 288 00:25:16,846 --> 00:25:22,000 - What are you talking about? - I found it, Victor. In your pocket. 289 00:25:23,566 --> 00:25:27,002 - The empty packet. - Empty packet of what? 290 00:25:27,206 --> 00:25:30,278 Empty packet of nothing - because it was empty. 291 00:25:31,286 --> 00:25:33,641 Well, what was in it before it was empty? 292 00:25:33,846 --> 00:25:36,838 Something. You know what was in it! 293 00:25:37,046 --> 00:25:42,040 I don't know! What is this? ''20 Questions''? Is it animal, vegetable or mineral? 294 00:25:42,206 --> 00:25:46,040 - Would I use this in the garden? - I wouldn't put that past you! 295 00:25:46,246 --> 00:25:51,240 - Just tell me what the hell... - Contraceptives! Do I have to spell it out? 296 00:25:54,446 --> 00:25:57,643 Oh, yes! That was disgusting, wasn't it? 297 00:25:57,806 --> 00:26:01,799 Do you know where I found it? Underneath the rhubarb! 298 00:26:01,966 --> 00:26:05,641 It boggles the mind how it gets there sometimes, doesn't it? 299 00:26:06,846 --> 00:26:09,076 Oh...really? 300 00:26:09,246 --> 00:26:11,635 That's where it came from, is it? 301 00:26:11,846 --> 00:26:16,840 Why else do you think it was in my pocket? Oh! I've got to go up and lie on some floorboards. 302 00:26:17,006 --> 00:26:21,796 I've been posing like a simpleton for some stupid picture for two hours in extreme agony! 303 00:26:21,966 --> 00:26:26,562 If I don't lie down, my spine will wither and droop like that rubber banana! 304 00:26:26,726 --> 00:26:29,115 Can we talk in the morning, please? 305 00:26:38,646 --> 00:26:40,443 Oh. 306 00:26:50,246 --> 00:26:52,635 Take your dressing gown off. 307 00:26:56,446 --> 00:26:59,438 - Have I got worse, Margaret? - What? 308 00:26:59,606 --> 00:27:02,200 As I've got older. I suppose I must have done. 309 00:27:02,366 --> 00:27:06,962 After 35 years, something must have snapped along the line. Oh! 310 00:27:07,126 --> 00:27:09,720 Surely I wasn't like this when we got married. 311 00:27:09,886 --> 00:27:12,480 Hold still or I can't squirt it. 312 00:27:15,246 --> 00:27:18,636 I'm not going to stick with that job. I know that now. 313 00:27:18,806 --> 00:27:22,799 Looking at her old man, it's too much like looking in a mirror. 314 00:27:22,966 --> 00:27:27,357 I don't know how she stands it. Going through that every week. 315 00:27:27,526 --> 00:27:30,120 Goblin vacuum cleaners at 20 paces. 316 00:27:31,446 --> 00:27:35,644 What are you on about? Let me just do the bottom bit. 317 00:27:35,806 --> 00:27:37,603 Oh! 318 00:27:37,766 --> 00:27:42,556 I suppose this is what it's all about, really. Isn't it? When it comes to it. Marriage. 319 00:27:42,726 --> 00:27:47,516 Reaching 60 and spraying each other with Ralgex. 320 00:27:51,446 --> 00:27:54,199 Come here, you silly old fool. 321 00:28:06,246 --> 00:28:11,639 What the bloody hell do you think you're looking at?! What is this - an aquarium?! 322 00:28:11,806 --> 00:28:14,195 What sort of time do you call this, anyway? 323 00:28:14,366 --> 00:28:19,360 Ten bloody days ago you were to come and do this! Ten days ago to fix this phone! 324 00:28:19,526 --> 00:28:21,915 It's like a constipated gerbil! 325 00:28:22,086 --> 00:28:27,080 Every time you pick it up you can't hear a bloody thing! 326 00:28:27,286 --> 00:28:30,596 # They say I might as well face the truth 327 00:28:30,806 --> 00:28:33,684 # That I am just too long in the tooth 328 00:28:33,886 --> 00:28:37,083 # I've started to deteriorate 329 00:28:37,286 --> 00:28:40,676 # And now I've passed my own sell-by date 330 00:28:40,886 --> 00:28:44,515 # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true 331 00:28:44,726 --> 00:28:48,002 # I have to pop my teeth in to chew 332 00:28:48,206 --> 00:28:51,198 # And my old knees have started to knock 333 00:28:51,366 --> 00:28:55,359 # I've just got too many miles on the clock 334 00:28:55,566 --> 00:28:58,603 # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways 335 00:28:58,806 --> 00:29:02,515 # It's true that my body has seen better days 336 00:29:02,726 --> 00:29:05,559 # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave 337 00:29:05,766 --> 00:29:08,963 # One foot in the grave 338 00:29:09,126 --> 00:29:11,924 # One foot in the grave 339 00:29:12,926 --> 00:29:15,724 # One foot in the grave # 340 00:29:15,774 --> 00:29:20,324 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 29784

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