All language subtitles for Lovejoy s04e10 They Call Me Midas.eng

(Jane) Lovejoy? Hello?

Lovejoy?

- Lovejoy!
- Yeah?

- Janey!
- Hello. What are you doing?

People! Look at this,
this is a beautiful Minton tile, eh?

Probably part of this fireplace surround.

Most of them are chipped or cracked,
probably been replaced by plastic.

- Oh, did you get my message?
- What message?

A Jim Leonard rang.

- Jim Leonard?
- Bye.

Jim Leonard.

Taught me all I know.

Well, all of most of what I know about
antiques and the other stuff, you know -

how to spot a fake, how to make one.

I once saw him cook a Van Gogh -
well, a Van Gogh lookalike -

in a low-voltage microwave oven
done to a T.

Hmm. Lots of ways to make money.

You can pan for gold, dig for diamonds...

Huh! Others find oil.

Jim, looks for green, the banker's vitamin.

The only protection against people like him
is honesty

and there's not much of that about
these days.

Thank goodness.

Jim, how are you?

Fine. Good to see you.

Ron?

Have you met Ron Nokes?

No. Hans Koopman but call me Midas.

- I'm from Xanadu.
- Right, I heard.

I wouldn't have thought
this would've been in your line.

I thought you preferred
established reputations.

At Xanadu, we buy art, lots of art,
but we make reputations.

Being taken up by us
is a benchmark of success.

Now, not everyone approves. Some say
Hans Koopman is a trend junkie,

a fashion freak.

I can live with that.

So do you like my work, Mr. Koopman?

I want to buy your show, all of it.

I heard. Didn't believe it.

Oh, it's true.

I give you £10,000 for it.

I want to sign you up.

Not interested?

- There is one problem.
- Share it.

There's five years' work here,
Mr. Koopman.

Yeah, I read the catalog.

Ten grand for five years' solid work,
Koopman?

Oh!

You think it's ungenerous?

Frankly, yeah.

Good. I like a man who speaks his mind.

We'll get on.

But you know, at this moment,
the name Ron Nokes, with respect,

is not a name that gives off vibrations.

The art business is like any other business.

People buy names, brand names.

Now, you are 23, you started work on
some of these pieces when you what?

- Er, 18?
- Some of them, yeah.

Ron, believe me,

they look like it.

Think of this 10,000 as an investment
in your future.

It's your potential that I'm buying.

Now, shall we go for a drink? A real drink?

Such confidence, such bravado,

only comes with youth.

You know, this boy Knowles,
he could be...

- Nokes.
- Mm?

- Nokes.
- Whatever.

He could be, well, another Henry Moore.

You've seen his stuff.
It's perfect for Xanadu.

And the beauty of it is, apart from the art,
he is as dumb as an ox.

He probably thinks
Paradise Lost is a football result.

- (Chuckling)
- No, he will sign up.

He will join our stable.

- I thought stables were for horses.
- Horses?

Just my little joke.

Any littler, I would've missed it.

Tell me, Jim, are you anti-success?

No! Not at all.

You Brits and your traditions.

I've never known a race to be more
dedicatedly anti-success.

You struggle for years or slice an ear off,
everybody loves you.

But if you make it, make it big,
you spend the rest of your life apologizing.

When are you coming down
to Rokeby Hall?

Wild horses wouldn't keep me away.

A Gustav Klimt,
you don't come across every day.

True.

I'm agog. Xanadu doesn't own
many Klimts.

- Telephone, Mr. Koopman.
- Ah, excuse me, Jim.

It's my call from Zürich.

(Whistles)

(Chiming)

It's not a bad little joint.
Your starter for 15 - what's this?

- Er, that's, that's...
- Come along, come along.

- That's a mounting block.
- Used for what?

Helping the aged and infirm
into their saddles.

- Bicycle saddles?
- Horses.

- Whoever taught you did a good job.
- Didn't he?

Where have you been for seven years?

- Around.
- Not around here.

- What's all this, eh?
- House-sitting.

The owners are old friends.
They've er... gone away for a bit.

And left you in charge, eh?

I know what you're thinking, Lovejoy.
I find that offensive, highly offensive.

- Sorry, Jim.
- So I should think.

- The 100 Club.
- 100 Oxford Street.

Siouxsie and the Banshees debuted there
in nineteen seventy s... eight.

The Electric Ballroom.

Camden High Street, Sid Vicious played
his last UK gig there.

When?

August '78.

It was billed as "Sid sods off".

Yes, well, they did things more stylishly
at Dame Nellie's farewell.

Dame who?

Nellie Melba,

great Australian diva.

Escoffier named the peach Melba
after her.

It's difficult to imagine
what they named after Mr. Vicious,

unless it was a vomitarium.

Next.

22 Lansdowne Crescent.

Er... Monika Dannemann's Notting Hill pad,

Jimi Hendrix' last night.

- Why, Eric?
- Was I right?

Yes, but why?
Why all the useless information?

Because it's not useless,
because I have seen the future

and it's pop.

- What's your father got to do with it?
- Popmabilia.

I Jimi Hendrix Stratocaster guitar
sold at Sotheby's in 1990.

- How much?
- Tuppence ha'penny, I should think.

£198,000.

We need to smarten you up a tad.
Have you got any nice clothes?

I will when you buy me some.

Lovejoy, an art advisor to the V&A.
V&A all right?

- V&A's fine. Advisor on what?
- We're selling a picture.

- We are?
- We are. An oil, Gustav Klimt.

You are the country's leading authority
on 20th-century painting.

- I am?
- You are.

Er, one thing, the house owner.

- Sir Alan Trenchard.
- Yeah.

Might he have something
to say about this?

We haven't lost our bottle, have we?

- Jim...
- Lovejoy.

Since I've seen you, I've been inside.

I'd heard. Awful.

You must meet
such a dreadful class of person.

Open prison. I was one of the few people
that wasn't a company director.

I live round here, I have done for some
time, I'd like to continue doing so.

No problem.

I must give you the Cook's tour.

(Lovejoy) Ooh.

Tell me about the urns, Lovejoy.

Never mind about the urns,
why do you want me, Jim?

Because I can't do it without you.

Koopman's a difficult man to con
and he's dangerous

and you're still the best -
the divvy, the magic touch.

Take him through the house
and do your stuff.

Well, if we want to sell the Klimt,
we don't sell him the Klimt.

Oh! That's why I need you, Lovejoy.

- Tea, Mr. Lovejoy?
- Not "Mister" Lovejoy.

Lovejoy. Mister suggests there's millions
of them but there's only the one.

Let me introduce Judy, my better half.

Hello.

- Married?
- Mmm.

Fleeting moment of madness.

Two glasses of Irish stout
and the moon rising over Marbella.

Margate.

The maximum of temptation and, thank God,
the maximum of opportunity.

- Who said that?
- I did.

Didn't you hear?

- Tea.
- Oh, yes.

- Earl Grey with a slice?
- Milk and three lumps.

- Scone and strawberry jam?
- Terrific.

- Why are you doing it?
- Warren's gone fishing.

- Warren?
- Staff.

- Ha.
- I'll serve it on the terrace.

Nothing wrong with your eyes.

Judy is going to be my sister.

You're going to use your own wife as bait?

It's because of her we're here.

Koopman destroyed her father.

I promised I'd redress the balance.

The thing I don't understand
is who'd buy all this stuff?

Who buys? I'll tell you
who buys popmabilia - the fans,

the dealers, the roadies, the punters.

And then, of course, there's the big buyers,
the burger barons.

- The who?
- No, the burger barons.

(Chuckles)

Well, they're the main
movers and shakers, you see,

the faces who own all the big burger joints.

I mean, they plaster the walls
with popmabilia.

And now there's all the counterfeit gear,
the forgeries.

I mean, one smashed up Ricky
looks much like another, you know.

- Who's Ricky?
- (Sighs)

The question is,
did Peter Townshend smash it?

- And if he did?
- Well, bingo!

Megabucks.

I only wish someone would bankroll me.

Yes?

Well, then I could go to LA, Nashville,
the Big A.

Where?

(Lovejoy) Selling Trenchard's Klimt.

So what's he gonna say
when he comes home?

I'm not selling a Klimt, I'm selling
the illusion that I'm selling a Klimt.

We've stayed here a few times, you see,
we know the picture well.

Jim could paint it from memory
if he had to.

- Koopman's an expert.
- So are you, Lovejoy. V&A, remember?

You can't con an honest man. First lesson.

I've not forgotten.

We'll get the money paid into an account
in Holland

and Judy and I will take off
on an extended vacation.

Holland. Smells like diamonds, Jim.

(Jim) Diamonds.

Small, easily portable,

impossible to trace.

You'll get first cut, Lovejoy.

So er...

tell me more about Xanadu.

Well, they buy art like most people
buy carpet, by the yard.

Then they shove it
into one of their Swiss warehouses

and it sits there like gold in Fort Knox.

- Does the public have any access to it?
- Oh, no way.

It just stays there, appreciating.

- And appreciating and appreciating.
- So they never get to see it at all?

Never, it just gets sold on
when the time is right,

all to private collectors.

Koopman has all the ethics of a piranha.

- One slip...
- So as the Romans used to say...

semper natis cultor defende.

What the hell does that mean?

Always cover your arse.

Taught you that in prison, did they?

Oh, this is lovely.

Take it, please.

- Eric.
- Uh-huh.

- Oh, not the big one?
- Yes, the big one.

- Are you buying it by the acre?
- Oh, get on with it.

Pop, remember?

I'll pop you in a minute.

- (Clattering)
- Careful, careful!

- Got that one.
- Oh, lovely.

- 45.
- I feel guilty charging you.

- Don't be. Can you get any more?
- Has a bird got wings?

Make them large and Victorian,

they must be oils,
on canvas, board or sacking.

Any particular style?

They needn't have any style at all.

Ooh!

Soften him up in the drawing room,

let him feast his greedy eyes
on those Stubbs.

- What about the ceiling in the boudoir?
- All those nipples and buttocks?

- It is la guerre.
- But it is not magnifique.

I like it, I like it.

Where the hell is Lovejoy?

What a charming village. You didn't tell me.

Ah, you took the scenic route.

We arrived a few minutes early.
It's beautiful.

You haven't met my sister, Judy.

- My pleasure, madam.
- Mr. Koopman, welcome to Rokeby Hall.

Lovejoy, art advisor to the V&A.
20th century is his specialty.

- Lovejoy.
- Koopman.

Fancy a stroll before
we get down to the nitty-gritty?

Walking's not what I'm here for.
Where's the Klimt?

Oh, surely just a few minutes?
It's such a lovely day.

No, thank you.

Not even a titter at the ha-ha?

- I'm sorry?
- Shall we go in?

I'll go and organize some coffee.

(Jim) Right.

Nice Chinese vases. Um, Ming?

Ming design. Japanese, actually - Imari.

See the blue underglaze? Exported to
Europe at the end of the 18th century.

- Part of the chinoiserie range.
- Ah.

Oh. What is that pile of manure
doing here?

Huh! Thomas Gainsborough's portrait
of Juliana -

probably after Gainsborough.

Mmm.

Bloody long time after, I'd say.

- The original's in Washington.
- I know.

At Xanadu, we have six Gainsboroughs,
all authenticated and original.

Five Reynolds.

And er... some Romneys.

You're very observant.

Well, it's my business.

Tell me, Jim, your sister.
She's not married?

Widow. Tragic story.

Her husband was a flier
in the Royal Air Force.

Ejected but lost consciousness.
Drowned in a loch.

And some of the Klimt money
will go to her, right?

- How did you know that?
- Am I right?

Yes.

Ja. Intuition.

Something you said.

You know, Jim, you bark a lot but really,
at heart, you are a marshmallow.

Good job I've got Lovejoy in my corner.

Yes, some of the money will go to Judy,

then there's the plumber's bill,
improvements on the farm buildings,

the roof leaks, the drains need...

How long have you got?

And Lovejoy is here advising you.

And the problem was whether to sell
half a dozen small objects

or go for broke on one large one.

Ah. Or whether to sell
over the counter or under.

(Chuckles) Exactly.

Whereas, if you popped it into auction...

Commissions and taxes
would swallow up to 60%.

Thank heavens for Xanadu.

But then, at Xanadu, of course,
we don't pay market prices.

Ah. Stubbs.

Tell me, Lovejoy, what do you think of it?

Oh, it's very nice.

- It's the tenth lord, right.
- Hmm?

Oh, yes, yes, that's right.

Stubbs didn't paint many named portraits,

he preferred anonymous grooms
if he had to show people.

Tell me, the tenth lord.

All these pictures of other lords going back
to when our countries were at war.

So why is Jim just plain Mr. Leonard?

Ah, the title runs through the female line.

The distaff side.

Have you seen a priest hole?

Eric, that's the worst yet.

I know, they're awful, all of them.

But this sets new standards of awfulness.

I know. He's totally flipped his lid.
He's buying as if there's no tomorrow.

- Maybe the frames are worth something.
- Come on, look at it.

No, maybe not.

Oh, it doesn't look any better
the right way up.

Ah! Jane, it's very good of you,
I hope I haven't been too long.

No, not at all.

Tinker, you've been buying up these oils
for weeks now.

- I have a contact.
- Oh? Who?

I wouldn't like to say.

After all, he's my contact and if I blabbed
he'd be everybody else's contact.

Careless talk, remember.

- He's Spanish.
- Shh!

- Where does he work?
- In Spain.

And?

- Madrid.
- Oh, go on, tell her.

The Prado.

- The Prado?
- Yes!

He's been there for years, actually.

Tinker, the Prado is one of
the top museums in Europe,

in the world, anywhere.

Exciting, isn't it?

- And these pictures are going there?
- Mmm.

♪ Viva Espana ♪

Eric, have you met this Spaniard?

No but I've spoken to him on the Freddy.

Does he sound erm... mad?

No.

Well, what does he sound like?

- (Horn toots)
- Spanish?

Now, this might interest you.

Oh, now look, since I came here,

you've shown me
Japanese Chinese vases.

A lot of pictures of dead people's heads,

a priest's... what?

- Hole.
- Hole.

Yeah, an uncharacteristic Stubbs,

a fireplace built with Sicilian stone
brought over in whose yacht?

Belladoff.

Now will you please show me
what I came to see?

Yes, of course. It's through here.

Thank you!

Spent most of that summer
painting landscapes,

often from a row boat.

That way, even though
he wasn't peeping into a bedroom,

he was still a voyeur.

It's not at all what you expect from Klimt.

The rhythmical grouping.

See the parallelism? Wonderful.

Symmetry.

He used a grid
through which he would compose.

He preferred square-shaped canvases
like this one.

It's airless, isn't it?

Unpopulated.

But it's... energized.

Tell me, Jim - Gainsborough, Stubbs,
Crome, even, I understand,

but, but why a Klimt?

I mean, how?

Well, my father was in Vienna in the '30s

and, well, he just saw
the way the wind was blowing.

(Koopman) It's wonderful.

How do you arrive at your price, Lovejoy?

Research.

Oils, when applied with heavy impasto,
as for example, with Van Gogh,

can take up to 20 years to harden.

Klimt died in 1918.

Exactly.

All right, Jim. It's on.

- How would you like to be paid?
- Lavishly.

Huh!

- Diamonds?
- Yeah, it's a good choice.

Can't be personalized or easily identified.

Easy to carry, yeah.

Give me 48 hours.

- Coffee, gentlemen?
- Ah!

Perhaps your sister would like to come
to Amsterdam with me,

so that she could help to choose
the stones?

♪ Diamonds are a girl's best friend... ♪

- Milk and sugar?
- Er, yes, please.

Aha.

Someone's been shooting here.

(Sniffs)

And recently, too.

Tell me, Jim, what sort of game
do you have here?

Ooh, the usual sort.

Well, a pheasant or three.

Partridge.

No grouse?

Grouse? Erm...

Too far south.

So... I'll see you boys on Sunday.

Sunday. Well, as it's the weekend,
we can relax, make it a party.

Good idea. Business and pleasure,
it's a great mixture.

We'll invite a few friends, hmm?

Or while you're at it, you could find
someone to shoot with me.

No problem.

I haven't killed anything recently,
I really look forward to it.

- Something wrong?
- Oh, make it a party,

invite a few friends, friends who shoot.

What friends?

Hmm.

Can you shoot, Lovejoy?

- Water pistol.
- (Chuckles)

And that was a long time ago.

Only thing Jim can shoot is his mouth.

A marksman, he's just shown me that.

Why did you do it?

People in love will say anything.

Two years we've been working this scam.

There's more to this than diamonds,
isn't there, hm?

My father.

- Xanadu bought everything he painted.
- What's wrong with that?

Most artists never sell anything
in their lifetime.

Look at Modigliani, look at Van Gogh.

They stored his pictures in a warehouse in
Zürich, they never saw the light of day.

It broke his heart -
everything he painted, gone.

(Jim) They contracted him
for 20 canvases a year.

Now, of course, they're dripping back
onto the market, sold for huge profits.

Dad's dead now and neither Mother nor I
saw a penny of the money.

Judy.

We first saw the Klimt two years ago
last Easter.

Two years of getting to know the
Trenchards, winning their confidence,

six months trailing Koopman.

We've got to nail the bastard.

We've still got 48 hours.

Is there no one we can call on?

No one at all?

Lovejoy, what about you?
You must know someone.

- Do you know the trouble with housework?
- What?

You get everything neat and clean,
spick and span,

not a mote of dust anywhere,
windows gleaming,

six months later
you have to do it all again.

Well, you like being a bachelor, Tink.

Sometimes.

Well, you should've got used to it
in the army, yeah?

Soldiers of the Queen, Lovejoy.

They must've taught you to shoot a gun
as well, eh, Tink?

It's not a gun, Lovejoy, it's a rifle.
It's a 303 Enfield, as a matter of fact.

- I've got awards for it.
- Really?

Yes! I was voted the worst shot

since the regiment was formed
in the '45 rebellion.

So you can't shoot.

And I certainly can't shoot.
Who do we know who can shoot?

- Eric.
- Eric?

- He was a poacher, remember?
- Yeah?

Many's the brace of poached pheasants
that he sold in his father's shop.

He put the down payment
on his first Norton that way.

Oh. So he can be our gentleman farmer.

We've already got Lady Jane,
so she can be your erm...

- Wife?
- Granddaughter.

- Oh, Lovejoy!
- (Laughs)

Just kidding, Tink.

You can be her dad.

Trust me.

Those two words have preceded some of
the worst experiences of my life, Lovejoy.

All I've got to do is talk Jane into it now.

No way, Lovejoy. Absolutely no way.

- Janey!
- No!

I'm not playing Bonnie to your Clyde
ever again.

- But I don't rob banks.
- You would if you could get away with it.

- Only a teeny one.
- Huh!

The ring, remember?

There was an explanation for that,
wasn't there?

- There always is.
- Mitigating circumstances.

- No.
- Janey, it's a day in the country.

A nice lunch, couple of drinks, lots of
fresh air - what could be better, eh?

- I live in the country.
- Hmm?

- Why?
- Why what?

- Just that.
- What?

- Why?
- What do you mean, why?

Who's going to be there?
What's the angle?

The angle? Where do you get
these ideas from?

From you.

Well, my friend, Jim Leonard.
Jim Leonard and Judy Leonard

and this Dutchman, Hans Koopman.

They want to show him
the perfect English Sunday.

Hmm. So why does Tinker have to pretend
to be Lord Didsbury?

Well, for fun.

For color!

You know these Europeans,
they love tea at Windsor Castle,

B&B at Balmoral.

Mm.

No.

- How much is involved?
- How much what?

Money. Moolah.

- Money? There's no money involved.
- No?

No, no. Read my lips. No money involved.

I don't believe you.

On my mother's grave.

She's not dead.

Anyway, my nieces are coming
for the weekend.

You can bring them as well, can't you?

(Sighs)

This is Charlotte, Samantha...

- Henry Catchpole, Lord Didsbury...
- Hello!

Jim, Judy...

Warren, could you take Lord Didsbury
and Catchpole to their rooms

and I'll get started on the Pimms.

Oh, Koopman will be here
in a quarter of an hour.

I'll get Lady Jane to meet him.

Splendid.

How did Jim get Rokeby Hall?

- House-sitting.
- For the Trenchards?

- Oh, you know them?
- Vaguely.

- Have you seen the Klimt?
- Ooh, yes.

The bell is over the bed, my lord.

Mineral water and fruit on the side.

- I take it you'd like the Times?
- That would be most amenable.

- Would you like me to unpack for you?
- Oh, no.

I'll do that myself, thank you.

Ooh, shoes left outside at night
in the usual way.

Of course.

My lord.

- This is a bit of all right, innit?
- Shh!

Ha! You've got a four-poster.

Yes, most agreeable.

Tinker, it's me, Eric. You don't have
to give me all that Lord Didsbury bit.

I'm trying to keep in character,
as Lovejoy told me.

Cor, look at this load of old grot.

Yes, well, I wasn't expecting
to do a stopover.

Still, a smashing gaff, though, innit, eh?

There's something in the paper
might interest you.

Ha! What did I tell you?

- (Chuckles)
- £1,400 for a half-eaten piece of toast?

29-year-old toast at that.

At Christie's? They must be mad.

Yeah but it's George Harrison's toast,
innit, see?

What did I tell you? Pop.

George who?

- Oh, yes.
- Good shot, Charlotte. Who's winning?

- I am!
- I am!

They sent me to meet you.
Thought you might get lost.

- How thoughtful.
- Jane Felsham.

Hans Koopman.
Please, can I offer you a lift?

Thank you.

Koopman.
I don't believe you've met Lord Didsbury,

Lady Jane's father.

Pleased to meet you, sir.

Lady Jane.

Koopman.

Tell me, how did you get
such a beautiful daughter?

It's in the breeding, you know.
There's been Didsburys since Agincourt.

If we haven't got it right yet,
we never will have, what?

Are you coming to shoot with us?

I'm damned if I am.
I pierced an ear drum with the Fusiliers.

When I have a stopover in town,
I put up at me club,

I used to telephone home
just to hear the dogs bark.

Can't do it any more. Tragedy, what?

- Shall we?
- Mmm.

Aunt Jane, do you mind if I borrow your car
to practice some reversing?

OK but be careful.
Her driving test is on Tuesday.

Keep knocking 'em in, girls.

You old phony. It was Elgar used to
phone home to see how his dogs were.

- (Shot)
- Bravo.

Very good.

You've done this before.

Pull.

Ah!

Pity we haven't time
to go after some pheasants.

Eh?

It's a pity we haven't time
to go after some pheasants.

- Oh, not before October, Mr. Koopman.
- No?

No, er - out of season. You can bag
a few pigeons but no pheasant.

- I want to talk to you.
- (Koopman) Pull!

(Shot)

God verdamme.

Bring it round. Careful, not so fast.

That's it. Go on.

- Care...
- (Crashing)

Oh, my God.

Jane'll kill me.

There's no damage to Jane's, it's that one.
You've squashed its bottom.

- Whose is it?
- No idea.

At least it wasn't the Roller.

It's so good of you, Lord Didsbury,
to help out.

A pleasure, my dear.

A pleasure.

My brother and I are most grateful.

It's a charming house.

Yes, we love it.

- Mr. Leonard?
- Oh! Jim, please.

- You're Charlie?
- I'm Sam.

Oh, typical. I couldn't even pick the winner
of a two-horse race.

- Has anyone offered you a sherry, Sam?
- No, please, erm...

I've got a confession to make.
I've had an awful accident.

Oh. Anyone hurt?

- No.
- Well, that's all that matters.

It's only people who can't be replaced
or repaired.

Well, I reversed into your car.

Oh, heavens, child, I'm always pranging it.
Don't worry about it.

- My foot slipped.
- Must be your shoes.

Don't worry. Don't let it ruin your day.

- You're awfully kind.
- Oh, I am.

- Jim?
- Lovejoy!

What's going on?

Huh?

- Koopman's Klimt.
- What, in there?

- Yes.
- Why?

Why? So nobody could find it.

- Got a tire lever?
- Yes.

- Well?
- It's in the boot.

What's going on?

The Klimt bloody copy is in there.

- Oh!
- Oh, God.

- Now what?
- Nearest garage.

- It's Sunday.
- Nearest garage.

- The village.
- Give me the keys.

- No, I'll go, you talk to Koopman.
- What about lunch?

Erm, migraine.

- We'll stall him.
- For how long?

For as long as it takes.

So you might think
that that tapestry is Flemish

but in fact, it's English.

In fact, as English
as this lunch we're having.

Mortlake, 17th century.

I'm sorry we're denied Judy's company.

Er, Warren? You sent up a tray?

- I did, sir.
- They come out of nowhere, migraines.

My friend, a single piece of chocolate
or a slice of cheese devastates her.

The poor gal! Should I pop up
and see her, Leonard?

Er, Lady Jane, the English peerage,

who is a duke or a count or a lord,
it confuses the hell out of me.

(Chuckles) Most of us, too.

(Horn sounds)

Hello?

Hello, is anyone in?

Hello!

No, I mean, these slabs
of shiny bright red stuff,

I mean, it's like eating plastic.

Because the taste of your meat
is in the marbling, you see.

I mean, take your French Charolais.

Great hogs. You've only got to take
one look at them, they're beasts of burden.

They're about as tasty as a tractor.

Now, you see, we should never
have neglected our own.

Now, take your Galloway. I mean, it's like
a carpet with four hooves on the corners.

Erm, how big is your spread,
Mr. Catchpole?

Sorry?

- The farm.
- Ah. Er...

400 acres.

Oh. In the arable?

I'm sorry?

Um, a-ara... a-arable.

Ah, erm.

No, no.

Why, the official viewpoint
in the upper house,

the Lords, that is,
is we'll never crack this European thing

till we can hook you European johnnies
onto cricket.

That'll be the day.

They've asked me to get up
a committee to explain the finer points.

The initial briefing
goes something like this.

Cricket. There are two sides
out in the field, one out and one in.

And each chap
that's in the side that's in goes out

and when he's out, he comes back in

and the next chap goes in, until he's out.

And when they're all out,
the side that's been out comes in

and the side that's in goes out and tries
to get out the chaps that are coming in.

Then, of course, you'll get a chap
who's still in

and therefore not out.

But once everybody's been in and out,
including the not-outs,

that's the end of the match.
It's really quite simple.

Very good, Lord Didsbury.

How... How long's it going to take?

Judy.

Five minutes. OK.

They must be kept
at a constant temperature,

it mustn't vary more
than a couple of degrees,

- somewhere between 50 and...
- 55.

Fahrenheit, yes.

Tell me, do you have cellars like these
at Felsham?

If we had,
we'd have all been alcoholics by now.

Well, Lord Didsbury looks as though
he enjoys a snort.

Yes. It has been known.

Well, that explains it.

Oh, look!
Chateau Mouton Rothschild, 1976.

You know, that's just after
it was promoted to first growth.

Strictly for family and close friends.

How soon could we be close friends,

Jane?

(Laughs nervously)

Everything OK?

I think so.

I'll get this side, you do that side.

Oh, art is business, Lady Jane.

You see, pictures, statues, silver,
archaeological remains,

all of these are product, nothing more.

- Do I have to?
- Oh, Tinker, please.

It's my claustrophobia.

Do it for me.

I'll try.

(Sighs)

It's wonderful what copyists can do
but they can't quite get the aura.

They just can't match the feeling.

Where will this go?

This? Oh, to Berne or to Zürich.

Thank you. Tell me, have you heard of
a man called Sir Harry T. Garden?

- He lives in Warwick?
- No.

Ah, I'm supposed to buy a Renoir from him
this evening.

Yes, the poor man is in debt
to the tax man.

Oh, Sunday busy Sunday, eh?

Excuse me.

- Oh, thank you.
- Allow me.

- Oh, that's very kind.
- Mr. Koopman.

- Thank you so much. Thank you.
- Not at all.

(Lovejoy) You really enjoy your work,
don't you, Hans?

Yes, yes, I do. I enjoy it very much.

Especially the moment
when you complete a deal, you know.

That is the moment of triumph.

You know, if it wasn't for the greed
that is within us all,

then Xanadu would never have been
the fabled home of Kubla Khan.

Well, beauty's always been for sale
but sometimes at too high a price.

Oh, never, Lovejoy, never.

- Come, let's go to the car.
- (Chuckles)

Good, good.

- Remember Xanadu!
- We will.

Whatever you did to him, I don't mind.

- Thanks for all your help, Janey.
- Glad to oblige.

- Keep an eye on Tinker.
- What, drunk too much?

I think he's falling for Judy.

- What?
- I wouldn't expect you to notice.

- See you in the morning.
- Mm.

- Bye, girls.
- Bye.

- Xanadu!
- Xanadu!

- What about the diamonds, Jim?
- Safely locked away.

We'll divvy up in the morning.

Diamonds in the moonlight. Such purity.

Well, I'm for bed. It's been an exhausting
day. I'll see you in the morning.

Good night, Jim.

Champagne...

stately homes, diamonds...

I feel like James Bond.

So that's two two-minute eggs.

Yup. For him.

Two three-minute eggs for me.

Er, toast - brown or white?

- Brown.
- Er, white, please.

- Er, juice to start?
- Please.

No, thank you.

Er... Tea or coffee?

- Coffee.
- Tea, please.

Ooh, and the time - 8:30?

(Both) Fine.

Yeah.

Oh! (Laughs)

- Thank you very much.
- Good night, Warren.

I could get used to this, Lovejoy.

- No, it'd spoil you.
- Spoil me for what?

Excuse me, what's this number?

Oh, that's Samantha's number.

- And I suppose that's Charlotte's?
- It's just a bit of insurance, you know.

Good night, sweet lady,

and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

Good night, dear Tinker.

Night, Lovejoy, Eric.

- Night, Judy.
- Ma'am.

- The girl of my dreams.
- Oh, Tinker, you've just met her.

No, Lovejoy.

I feel I've known her all my life.

(Sniffs)

(Sniffs)

(Sniffs deeply)

- It's quarter past nine.
- So?

- Well, have you had your breakfast yet?
- No, not yet.

Well, exactly.

I'll ring for it now.

It's a waste of time.
I've been ringing for half an hour.

Then we'll jolly well go
and chivvy them up, what?

(Chuckles)

Smells good. Hello?

(Tinker) Hello?

Hello?

- Lovejoy! Lovejoy!
- Lovejoy!

- It's the Mary Celeste!
- They've done a runner.

The house is deserted, they've all gone.

Did you divvy up the diamonds?

And who the hell's this, now?

It must be the Trenchards.

Time to go.

Yes?

Ach, God verdamme!

Café con sucre, Juan Pedro.

You just relax, there, Tinker, eh?

Don't worry about me. After all,
they're only your bloody paintings.

Muchas gracias.

Jim.

Judy.

It's all right for you,
you lost a few diamonds. I've lost Judy.

- Come on, they're married, Tink.
- No, no, they're brother and sister.

What? They're married.

Married?

Oh, I'm sorry to have to break it to you
like this but yes, they're married, Tink.

Married?

- (Crashing)
- Ow!

Hey, hombre, que es la problema?

Yeah, gracias, mon brave.

Where are these pictures going, Tink?

They're going to my friend at the Prado.

He's head of the research department.
His students practice on them.

Oh!

They practice cleaning, patching,
removing varnish and restoring the glaze.

So they cut their teeth
on your awful pictures?

Well, you can't ruin what's already ruined.

I've got a four-year contract.
It's good for gin money if nothing else.

Yeah, well, I told him,
the big money's in pop.

Oh, pop off.

What did I say about Jim Leonard
teaching me everything I know?

I'm still learning.

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