All language subtitles for Hot in Cleveland s04e18 The Fixer.eng

Hot in Cleveland is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Sorry I'm late. What did I miss?

Oh, we were just telling
sad, bloated Melanie

that Alec was right to break up with her.

What? That's a horrible thing to say!

You're gonna make her cry.

That's the plan.

I haven't been able to cry
since Alec and I broke up,

and I feel like it's
all bottled up inside me.

If I could just get one good
cry, maybe I could get over him.

Got it.

Has anyone mentioned
that he's probably banging

some hot 20-something already?

I said twins.

Well, the movie's in ten minutes.

Everyone says you can't watch The Diary

- without bursting into tears.
- Oh, yes.

The Diary is the movie
The Notebook goes to see

when it wants to feel sad.

After all the artsy-fartsy
cinema Elka and I have had

to sit through in our theory of film class,

we could use a little
mindless entertainment.

No subtitles, no moral ambiguity,

no chess games with death.

And only good-looking people get naked.

You know what, you guys? I'm
really not up for a movie.

You go, I'm gonna stay
here and finish my wine.

- I'll pay the check.
- Oh, honey, are you sure?

No, don't try to be nice.
It only makes it harder.

Well, bye, Mel. Sorry you're so hideous.

And unlovable.

Have fun dying alone.

[Gasps] Nothing.

Bourbon and branch.

Empty...

just like my life.

You okay?

I'm sorry. It's just that...

[Crying] there's no nut in my peanut.

That's a bummer, but easily remedied.

Oh, why bother?

I didn't even want the damn peanut!

[Crying] I just want Alec.

Hey, don't cry.

No, no, this is really good.

This is the first time
I've been able to cry

since I broke up with my boyfriend.

- Alec?
- Oh, my God, you know him?

No, you... you just... never mind.

Look, I'm here, so you
want to talk about it?

So much. But just talk.

'Cause I never want to be with another man.

Never, ever, ever again!

Oh, no.

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

[Groans] Oh, hey, peanut.

[Chuckles nervously]

Listen, I'm really embarrassed,
but I don't remember anything

about last night,

so I need you to answer one

very important question.

Did I eat all these candy bars?

No, no, no. That was me.

Oh, thank God.

- We have sex?
- No.

I mean... nothing actionable.

What does that mean?

Look, you were sad and a little drunk,

so I drove you home to
make sure you were safe.

And then I laid you...

down on these sheets, and they are so soft.

What is the thread count on these babies?

Forget about the sheets.

What did we do on the sheets?

Don't worry,

we didn't exchange any fluids.

Well, I spilled a little
Sprite on you, but...

mostly we just cuddled.

Which was nice.

It was so nice. [Whispering] You're nice.

Yeah, anyway, thank you for
taking me home last night,

but I do have a doctor's appointment at...

oh, my God! It's almost 10:00.

- So can you...
- Oh, I got a meeting at 10:00!

Oh, boy!

Oh.

Hey, do you have any idea
where 68 Cedarcliff Road is?

68 Cedarcliff Road? That's here.

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- www.addic7ed.com -

Hey!

You didn't see this.

You didn't see this.

Expecting someone?

Yes, my secret weapon
to get Emmet out of jail.

Danny Doyle. They call him "The Fixer."

He's gonna bribe the judge in Emmet's case.

- Victoria!
- No, I know!

But Emmet's arraignment is
tomorrow, and I'm desperate.

Wouldn't you do anything you could

- to keep your fianc? out of jail?
- Of course.

- Does Emmet know about this?
- No.

He wants to do things above board.

But did Honor St. Raven get off death row

by going above board? No!

No, her lawyers went to
a voodoo high priestess.

A woefully miscast Mary Lou Retton.

Didn't she win the Emmy?

[Knock at door]

Oh.

- Victoria Chase? Danny Doyle.
- Hi.

This is Joy Scroggs.

Let me get one thing
straight right off the bat.

I operate completely within
the bounds of the law.

I'm not wearing a wire.

Good, let's bribe some judges.

Wait, are you really as
good as they say you are?

Did John Glenn go to jail for murder?

- What murder?
- I rest my case!

Oh, I didn't realize

we had a total stranger in the house.

Melanie, this is Danny Doyle.

He came here to help me with Emmet's case.

I am very pleased to meet you.

Why, yes, we should shake hands,

since we're meeting
for the very first time.

Don't mind her. She's
going through a breakup.

Yes, poor, old, wrinkled Melanie.

Okay, guys, you can stop.
I cried last night...

and a little bit a few minutes ago.

Well, I'll just go get
those non-sequential hundreds

that I so awkwardly got
from the bank yesterday.

Oh! And I'm late for class.

I'm a student. College.

Sort of reinventing myself.

Nobody cares. Good-bye.

I have to see you again, Melanie.

No.

Last night was last night.

Women never say no to me.

- Really?
- I date prostitutes.

So if they did, they really
wouldn't be doing their job.

You date prostitutes?

As a matter of fact,

when I saw you at the bar I assumed that...

You thought I was a prostitute?

Well, you were making
a meal of those peanuts

and drinking other people's wine.

I knew you weren't upper management.

But now I think you're
something else entirely.

You're a real lady.

I passed out drunk and woke
up with a total stranger.

That's how my mom met my dad.

By the way, they can't wait to meet you.

Yeah... not gonna happen.

Good luck with whatever
it is you two are doing.

Okay, here's your money.
Go and do your magic.

Change of plans. I don't want the money.

- I want Melanie.
- What?

You have to get her to go out with me.

Oh, well, she's not really
dating anyone right now.

She's sort of going through a bad breakup.

Make it happen, or our whole deal's off.

Okay. I'll go ask her.

You know, I can pretty much guarantee

that I could get Joy to go out with you.

Melanie.

Where's Melanie?

[Slurred] She went to the doctor's.

Shoot.

Melanie, I need to speak
to you, about Danny.

Yes, he is cute.

Good news! It's a date.

Tonight, here, she's gonna cook for you.

- What is she making?
- Why?

'Cause some foods make me gassy.

- I'll let her know.
- Okay.

I only give out one "A" per semester,

and that goes to the student film

that nauseates me the least.

- I have an idea.
- So, nothing cute,

and for God's sakes, nothing with animals.

I have no ideas.

No flowers opening slowly, all right?

I know what a vagina looks like.

It looks like years of alimony.

I'm out too.

[Knock at door]

Dr. Dubin is still in delivery.

Do you want to reschedule or
see one of the other doctors?

Oh, another doctor is fine.

So just in for your annual checkup?

Yes.

Although I did sleep
with someone last night,

but he said we didn't do anything.

On the other hand, he's kind of sleazy,

and he usually sleeps with prostitutes...

but I really don't think we did anything.

So it might be something to be noted.

Or not.

Actually, don't put any of that down.

Why are you writing?

Just notes for the doctor.

- Now, let's get your weight.
- Ugh.

Do we have to?

Because I drank, like, a
gallon of wine last night.

Can't you just put down
what I was last year?

Why are you still writing?

Oh, let's see.

Just put that down!

The doctor will be right in.

Shoot.

Melanie?

So in 1939, German SS officers

commandeered your family's home in Krakow.

You must have been terrified.

Yes.

But I was one of the lucky ones.

I said good-bye to the
animals on the farm,

and fled Poland that very night.

And, cut!

That was beautiful, Elka.

My film's got everything
those Oscar-winners have...

craggy-looking old people
talking about Nazis.

I'm a shoo-in to get that "A."

Not so fast.

I want to interview you for my film.

Really?

But my story can't possibly be

as interesting as yours.

Oh, don't put yourself down, Joy.

That's my job.

[Door closes] Hey, guys, guess what.

I have a date with my gynecologist.

They're called appointments, dear.

We've all been there, Melanie.

So desperate for a man's touch

you make an appointment
you don't even need.

No, I've never done that.

Nor have I.

No, this is a real date.

Remember that cute doctor I
met when the bar got held up,

and he needed me to take off my spanx

so he could use it as a tourniquet,

and I thought, at the time,

that's the most embarrassing way possible

to meet a guy? Well,

same guy, more embarrassing way.

You didn't let him examine you.

No, no, no, no. And I know I said

I wasn't gonna start dating yet, but...

You know what? Maybe
this is just what I need

to get over Alec.

You know the old saying.

When God closes a door, he opens a window?

No.

The best way to get over a man

is to get under another one.

Wait, wait.

Wasn't this the guy who said
he'd call you and never did?

Yes, but that's because he got
back together with his girlfriend.

And then he didn't want to call just to say

he wasn't gonna call,
but now they've broken up,

so we can be two miserable
peas in a pod together.

I'm excited!

- Oh, there you are, Melanie.
- Guess what.

- I have a date tomorrow night.
- Perfect!

So what you need is a
practice date tonight.

What?

Yes, I can get you a date with Danny Doyle.

Tonight at 8:00? Done and done.

I'm not following.

Yeah, I met him last night at the bar,

we spent the night together,

we didn't do anything, and now
he thinks he's in love with me.

Up to speed.

I can't date him. He dates prostitutes.

And he spilled Sprite
on me. He's not my type.

Look, I know this is a huge
thing, but it's just dinner.

And I'll monitor your drinking

so that you don't end
up in bed with him again.

Oh, please?

He's refusing to help Emmet

if you don't give him another chance.

Fine, I'll let him take me to dinner.

Actually, you're cooking.

And I would avoid dairy and legumes.

- Why?
- Nothing.

Okay, Danny will be here any minute.

Go put something sexier on.

No, I'm doing this to
get Emmet off, not Danny.

And I'm breaking up with him
tomorrow after the arraignment,

and I'm going out with
Aaron tomorrow night.

Absolutely, but at least
go put some lipstick on.

Okay. [Doorbell rings]

I'm 90. I'll get it.

Just tell Danny I'll be down in a sec.

Hi, I'm Dr. Everett. Is Melanie home?

Oh, boy.

Um, no...

I mean, no, she's not.

Tell him to come on in and open the wine.

Oh, I guess I was wrong.

Come in, Dr. Everett.

- Aaron?
- Hi!

Aaron... I... uh... Aaron, hi.

- Elka, this is Aaron.
- Yes.

I told him you weren't here,

but then you opened your
big mouth and I was wrong.

You left your wallet at the office,

so I thought it might be cute

if I returned it, like
I did the first time.

Oh. Aw, that is cute.

I'm sorry, I thought our
date was tomorrow night.

Oh, my God, I'm such an idiot!

You're right, it is tomorrow night,

so I'll just see you tomorrow night.

I heard the doorbell. Who are you?

It's Aaron. He's here for our date,

which is tomorrow night,
so he's just leaving.

- I'm happy to stay...
- What, are we barbarians?

No, I insist that you come
back on the correct night.

Hello, Melanie.

- These are for you.
- What?

- Who's this guy?
- I'm her date.

Who's this guy?

Uh...

This is Melanie's gynecologist.

He's here to examine Joy.

Yes! Excellent.

Joy has an urgent gynecological
issue that we should really

discuss in the kitchen due
to its embarrassing nature.

Sure. That's what's happening.

I'm sorry. I'll explain everything.

The rubber gloves are under the sink.

What the hell's going on here?

Um, well, yeah.

Look, Melanie's just
pretending to be on a date

so he'll bribe a judge.

Let me start again.

See, that guy's got a crush on
her because she got really drunk

and spent the night with him, but...

I'll let you two sort this out.

Look, Aaron...

If you knew me you'd know that I am not

the type of person to get drunk

and spend the night with strangers.

I read your chart.

I told her not to write that stuff down!

What weight did she put? Never mind.

Okay, then here's an idea...

we still go out tomorrow night, as planned,

and we forget tonight ever happened.

I've already forgotten about it.

I don't even know what the
heck just happened in there.

Yeah, I'm making it worse, aren't I?

A little bit.

Oh, okay. I get it.

Goodbye, Aaron.

Goodbye, Melanie.

So, you can imagine
with something like that,

Joy was simply too embarrassed

to go to a gynecologist's office,

and Melanie is just really

anal about keeping a clean kitchen.

Look, I'm not an idiot.

Oh, that's really a shame in this instance.

She's obviously with that guy,

and this whole night was a bunch of B.S.

to keep me working on
your boyfriend's case.

Okay, okay, you're right, and I'm sorry.

Look, you seem like a
really good guy, and...

and I shouldn't have done
something so underhanded.

But couldn't we just go back
to our original agreement

where I give you the money
and you bribe the judge?

Yeah, well, it turns out
Emmet's judge can't be bribed.

It's starting to make me question

the American judicial system.

So you came here under false pretenses?

You lied to me!

Well, you lied to me! And I'm outta here.

Any chance I could get
a plate of food to go?

Will you just get out of here?

So how's Emmet holding up?

Mm, he's doing okay.

I have to admit it.

He was right to go the legitimate route

and take the plea bargain.

And the good news is he'll
be out in less than a year.

At least you'll get to
visit him all the time.

Hey, I'm really sorry
that I messed things up

between you and Dr. Aaron.

Oh, no, it's okay.

Maybe it is too soon
for me to start dating.

That's ridiculous.

You like him and he likes you.

You're already ahead of
most of my relationships.

But I've sent him texts
and he hasn't responded.

You know, there is a way
he'd have to see you again.

Melanie.

You wouldn't answer my texts,

so I made an appointment
so you'd have to see me.

I got you a present.

A new uterus.

Mm, still has that new uterus smell.

Come on, that was pretty funny.

- It was.
- [Chuckles]

I'm really sorry about last night,

but I really was just
trying to help my friend.

Which means you're a nice person.

Thank you.

And...

I'd like to get to know the girl that

broke my uterus.

- Dinner tonight?
- Yeah, I'd love to.

I have one more patient to see.

- You can wait in the waiting room.
- Okay.

Wait, so while I'm waiting,

you're gonna get to third
base with a naked woman?

That's not really how doctors think of it.

- Mm-hmm, is she attractive?
- No.

- Would you tell me if she was?
- No.

Is this something I have to get used to?

Yep!

I said good-bye to the animals on the farm,

and fled Poland that very night.

That was "Passage to
Freedom," by Joy Scroggs.

Don't clap!

Only one person did a
film worthy of an "A."

In a clever homage to the
Godzilla films of the 1950s,

which warned of the
horrors of the atomic age,

this film maker also used

frightening imagery to provoke thought.

I give you Elka Ostrovsky's, "Man Hands."

Wait, what?

I was married to the mob.

I lived through the horrors of war.

But I have never seen
anything as terrifying as...

man hands.

Man hands.

I wanted the "A."

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