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1
00:00:01,041 --> 00:00:04,644
Hot in Cleveland is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.
2
00:00:04,678 --> 00:00:05,723
[Door rattles]
3
00:00:05,776 --> 00:00:07,346
Bless me father,
for I have sinned.
4
00:00:07,380 --> 00:00:09,209
It's been three months
since my last confession.
5
00:00:09,243 --> 00:00:11,344
And what is your sin,
my child?
6
00:00:11,378 --> 00:00:12,614
Well, I--I lied.
7
00:00:12,649 --> 00:00:13,894
I told my friend Joy
8
00:00:13,928 --> 00:00:15,500
that I had a great guy
to fix her up with,
9
00:00:15,535 --> 00:00:16,907
but, really,
I have no one.
10
00:00:16,942 --> 00:00:18,609
Well, you should
be honest with her.
11
00:00:18,643 --> 00:00:20,805
If she's truly a friend,
she'll forgive you.
12
00:00:20,839 --> 00:00:22,706
No, father,
you don't understand.
13
00:00:22,740 --> 00:00:24,537
Instead of celebrating
our birthdays,
14
00:00:24,572 --> 00:00:26,971
we have this annual thing
called birth dates,
15
00:00:27,005 --> 00:00:28,908
where my friends and I
set each other up.
16
00:00:28,942 --> 00:00:31,243
It's kind of a tradition
for us.
17
00:00:31,277 --> 00:00:32,813
Well, that sounds enjoyable.
18
00:00:32,847 --> 00:00:34,350
[Laughs]
Yeah, it does.
19
00:00:34,384 --> 00:00:35,653
But it's not.
20
00:00:35,687 --> 00:00:37,754
The dates are usually
disasters.
21
00:00:37,788 --> 00:00:39,890
Between the conjoined twins,
the guy with breasts,
22
00:00:39,924 --> 00:00:42,192
and the man I thought
was Jesus.
23
00:00:44,195 --> 00:00:47,367
I--I mean, that--
That one was great.
24
00:00:47,401 --> 00:00:50,170
Well, a lot of people
experience sadness
25
00:00:50,204 --> 00:00:51,306
on their birthdays.
26
00:00:51,340 --> 00:00:53,207
I've noticed that
the older nuns
27
00:00:53,241 --> 00:00:55,744
often experience
a certain melancholy
28
00:00:55,779 --> 00:00:59,448
when we take them to Arby's
on their special day.
29
00:00:59,482 --> 00:01:03,117
See, I don't want my friend
to feel like the nuns at Arby's.
30
00:01:03,152 --> 00:01:05,219
But she's not
making this easy.
31
00:01:05,253 --> 00:01:07,387
She's been very specific
about not wanting
32
00:01:07,422 --> 00:01:11,757
anyone with baggage or--
Or weird stuff in their past.
33
00:01:11,791 --> 00:01:13,325
Say, listen, uh...
34
00:01:13,359 --> 00:01:15,560
Do you happen to have
a picture of her?
35
00:01:17,095 --> 00:01:19,729
You set me up
with a priest?
36
00:01:19,764 --> 00:01:20,763
No, no.
No, no, no.
37
00:01:20,797 --> 00:01:22,130
He's giving up
the priesthood.
38
00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:23,899
He no longer believes
it's his calling.
39
00:01:23,933 --> 00:01:27,201
So...God's loss
is your gain.
40
00:01:27,235 --> 00:01:31,173
Wow, so his first date ever
will be with Joy?
41
00:01:31,207 --> 00:01:33,409
[Laughter]
42
00:01:40,984 --> 00:01:42,418
He's a really great guy.
43
00:01:42,952 --> 00:01:44,953
He puts the Communion wafer
on your tongue
44
00:01:44,987 --> 00:01:46,388
with such assurance.
45
00:01:46,922 --> 00:01:49,724
So strong, yet so tender.
46
00:01:50,258 --> 00:01:51,559
I think you might
have to be catholic
47
00:01:51,593 --> 00:01:54,394
for that to be hot.
48
00:01:54,428 --> 00:01:57,630
Although... with no prior
romantic experience,
49
00:01:57,665 --> 00:01:59,765
he's gonna need someone
to help him...
50
00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:03,335
Guide him, mold him
into exactly what she wants.
51
00:02:03,369 --> 00:02:05,003
[Laughs]
52
00:02:05,037 --> 00:02:07,472
It's almost too easy.
53
00:02:07,506 --> 00:02:09,775
And how's the hunt
for my date going?
54
00:02:09,809 --> 00:02:10,909
Oh, trust me, Victoria,
55
00:02:10,944 --> 00:02:12,744
I have found
the perfect person for you.
56
00:02:12,779 --> 00:02:13,879
Physically perfect, right?
57
00:02:13,914 --> 00:02:17,717
Not that "beautiful
on the inside" nonsense.
58
00:02:17,751 --> 00:02:19,685
I promise,
you're gonna be thrilled.
59
00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:21,621
I better be.
60
00:02:21,656 --> 00:02:23,623
So, Elka,
what kind of a man
61
00:02:23,657 --> 00:02:25,325
would you like me
to find for you?
62
00:02:25,327 --> 00:02:26,927
You know how
last year
63
00:02:26,961 --> 00:02:28,995
all I wanted
was a billionaire?
64
00:02:29,030 --> 00:02:30,463
And you learned
your lesson, hmm?
65
00:02:30,498 --> 00:02:32,632
Yes, I learned my lesson.
66
00:02:32,667 --> 00:02:34,270
I want another billionaire.
67
00:02:36,304 --> 00:02:37,604
Well, I'm all set.
68
00:02:37,639 --> 00:02:38,873
Remember when we saw
Jersey Boys,
69
00:02:38,907 --> 00:02:40,374
and I thought the guy that
played Frankie Valli
70
00:02:40,375 --> 00:02:41,542
was so cute.
71
00:02:41,543 --> 00:02:44,178
Well, Elka somehow
got me a date with him.
72
00:02:44,213 --> 00:02:46,715
I just emailed him
a naked picture.
73
00:02:48,684 --> 00:02:50,953
- Of...
- You.
74
00:02:50,987 --> 00:02:53,689
I-- took it
while you were asleep.
75
00:02:54,892 --> 00:02:56,393
I don't sleep naked.
76
00:02:56,427 --> 00:02:59,062
I took some liberties.
77
00:03:03,541 --> 00:03:08,542
Sync, corrected by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
78
00:03:10,541 --> 00:03:11,742
Oh, no.
79
00:03:11,776 --> 00:03:13,743
Elka, I just got a text
from your billionaire.
80
00:03:13,778 --> 00:03:15,044
He--He can't make it.
81
00:03:15,079 --> 00:03:16,980
Really? Why?
82
00:03:17,014 --> 00:03:18,881
Well, I guess
he was somewhat involved
83
00:03:18,916 --> 00:03:20,751
in a drug cartel.
84
00:03:22,785 --> 00:03:24,686
Drug cartel?
85
00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:26,722
Did you do any research
at all?
86
00:03:26,756 --> 00:03:31,294
Seriously? A billionaire
who wants to date a 90-year-old?
87
00:03:32,864 --> 00:03:36,567
First "yes" you get,
you go, "okay."
88
00:03:36,601 --> 00:03:39,203
But, Elka, this I vow:
89
00:03:39,237 --> 00:03:42,541
I will not rest until
I find you the perfect date.
90
00:03:44,075 --> 00:03:46,243
Hey, is anybody here
over 80?
91
00:03:47,679 --> 00:03:48,645
Oh! Well...
92
00:03:49,180 --> 00:03:51,180
There you go.
93
00:03:51,215 --> 00:03:55,351
Lucky for you
I like facial hair.
94
00:03:55,386 --> 00:03:57,920
I mean on men.
95
00:04:02,259 --> 00:04:03,725
Hey, what's going on
over there?
96
00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:06,394
Oh, I think
I know what's happening.
97
00:04:06,429 --> 00:04:08,630
Oh, Captain!
98
00:04:08,664 --> 00:04:10,900
[Gasps]
Captain Lebeau?
99
00:04:10,934 --> 00:04:11,701
[Chuckles]
100
00:04:11,735 --> 00:04:14,837
[French accent]
Victoria...Look at you.
101
00:04:16,339 --> 00:04:19,508
You're a ten if by land
and a ten if by sea.
102
00:04:19,543 --> 00:04:20,576
Oh, well.
103
00:04:20,610 --> 00:04:22,178
Does that make any sense?
104
00:04:22,212 --> 00:04:25,481
Does it matter?
105
00:04:25,516 --> 00:04:26,917
So, uh, ahem,
106
00:04:26,951 --> 00:04:28,384
where are you from?
107
00:04:28,419 --> 00:04:30,620
Oh, up North.
108
00:04:32,589 --> 00:04:33,689
Canada?
109
00:04:33,724 --> 00:04:36,358
A little farther north
than that.
110
00:04:36,392 --> 00:04:40,195
I have a rather large toy
distribution center up there.
111
00:04:40,229 --> 00:04:42,331
It's a seasonal business.
112
00:04:43,865 --> 00:04:44,732
Father Brian!
113
00:04:44,767 --> 00:04:45,733
Oh.
114
00:04:45,767 --> 00:04:47,201
- Oh, he's cute.
- Yeah.
115
00:04:47,235 --> 00:04:49,037
Joy, this is father Brian.
116
00:04:49,071 --> 00:04:50,404
Oh, it's just Brian.
117
00:04:50,439 --> 00:04:52,506
As of two hours ago!
118
00:04:52,541 --> 00:04:54,742
Here, I got this for you.
119
00:04:54,777 --> 00:04:57,378
Oh, a-- a wrist corsage.
120
00:04:58,547 --> 00:05:00,382
Oh, it's wrong,
isn't it?
121
00:05:00,416 --> 00:05:04,119
I'm sorry.
My last date was Junior Prom.
122
00:05:05,622 --> 00:05:10,593
Is there a
Mrs. seasonally-based toymaker?
123
00:05:10,628 --> 00:05:13,396
There was,
but we're taking a break.
124
00:05:13,430 --> 00:05:15,933
Oh, I get it.
125
00:05:15,967 --> 00:05:18,869
My Max and I have
what we call a...
126
00:05:18,904 --> 00:05:21,372
An area code relationship.
127
00:05:21,406 --> 00:05:22,573
What's that?
128
00:05:22,608 --> 00:05:25,076
Well, when we're
in the same area code,
129
00:05:25,110 --> 00:05:27,712
we're faithful.
130
00:05:27,746 --> 00:05:32,015
But if he's off gallivanting
with those whores in Boca...
131
00:05:32,050 --> 00:05:34,051
I get to have my fun.
132
00:05:34,085 --> 00:05:35,986
Oh! Oh.
133
00:05:36,020 --> 00:05:37,387
[Laughing] Oh, oh, ho.
134
00:05:37,421 --> 00:05:38,455
Ho ho ho.
135
00:05:40,124 --> 00:05:43,126
Well, you're a playful
little elf, aren't you?
136
00:05:52,585 --> 00:05:53,585
Hi, Jimmie.
137
00:05:53,619 --> 00:05:55,287
I'm Melanie.
I--I--
138
00:05:55,321 --> 00:05:57,322
I loved you in Jersey Boys.
139
00:05:57,356 --> 00:05:58,824
And I just want to say
I'm very embarrassed
140
00:05:58,858 --> 00:06:00,258
that friend
sent that picture to you.
141
00:06:00,293 --> 00:06:04,229
[High, squeaky voice]
Ah, don't worry about it.
142
00:06:04,263 --> 00:06:06,264
I thought you
looked fantastic.
143
00:06:06,299 --> 00:06:08,432
[Laughs]
144
00:06:08,467 --> 00:06:09,666
What?
145
00:06:09,701 --> 00:06:11,735
Well, I know you sing
in a high pitch,
146
00:06:11,769 --> 00:06:12,502
but is that how you--
147
00:06:12,537 --> 00:06:15,237
I lower my voice
for the speaking performance,
148
00:06:15,272 --> 00:06:16,973
but it's really bad
149
00:06:17,007 --> 00:06:18,107
[lower voice]
If I do it all the time.
150
00:06:18,141 --> 00:06:20,175
[High voice]
I get nodes. Ahem.
151
00:06:20,209 --> 00:06:22,744
And we're sure
that's worse?
152
00:06:22,778 --> 00:06:24,845
Well, this is...
The way I talk.
153
00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:29,082
Is-- Is that gonna
be a problem?
154
00:06:29,116 --> 00:06:31,751
No! No, not at all.
155
00:06:31,785 --> 00:06:33,986
I love it.
156
00:06:34,020 --> 00:06:36,655
We are going to have
an excellent time.
157
00:06:36,689 --> 00:06:38,589
[Piercing]
Oh, what a night!
158
00:06:42,026 --> 00:06:43,393
No, you're perfect.
159
00:06:43,427 --> 00:06:45,461
A perfect specimen of a man.
160
00:06:45,495 --> 00:06:48,764
Well, everyone has
an imperfection.
161
00:06:48,798 --> 00:06:51,032
You know, freckle, mole.
162
00:06:51,067 --> 00:06:53,634
A tail.
163
00:06:53,669 --> 00:06:54,702
A what?
164
00:06:54,736 --> 00:06:56,937
A freckle on my back,
from the sun.
165
00:06:56,971 --> 00:06:59,972
I swab the deck shirtless.
166
00:07:00,006 --> 00:07:00,973
No, no, no, no.
167
00:07:01,007 --> 00:07:03,108
What was that last thing
you said?
168
00:07:03,142 --> 00:07:04,108
A tail?
169
00:07:04,143 --> 00:07:07,010
I have a tail.
You know...
170
00:07:07,045 --> 00:07:09,512
A tail.
171
00:07:09,547 --> 00:07:11,848
Am I using the right
English word?
172
00:07:12,382 --> 00:07:13,983
Oh, God, I hope not.
173
00:07:16,660 --> 00:07:18,860
So you've never been
with a woman before?
174
00:07:18,944 --> 00:07:20,111
No.
175
00:07:20,146 --> 00:07:22,480
I feel so clueless
about everything.
176
00:07:22,764 --> 00:07:24,698
All I know is what
I've heard from people
177
00:07:24,732 --> 00:07:26,800
who think it's a good idea
to go to a celibate guy
178
00:07:26,834 --> 00:07:30,003
for advice
on their sex life.
179
00:07:30,037 --> 00:07:32,638
Are you saying you're looking
for someone to help you?
180
00:07:32,673 --> 00:07:34,740
Guide you?
Mold you?
181
00:07:35,275 --> 00:07:37,477
Well, that would
be fantastic.
182
00:07:37,511 --> 00:07:41,481
Well, if you want to be
the best lover on the planet,
183
00:07:41,515 --> 00:07:44,117
listen to every single thing
the woman says
184
00:07:44,151 --> 00:07:47,854
and spend lots and lots of time
doing those things.
185
00:07:48,988 --> 00:07:49,955
Really?
186
00:07:49,990 --> 00:07:51,758
Because that is not how
I hear it described
187
00:07:51,792 --> 00:07:53,860
in confession.
188
00:07:53,894 --> 00:07:56,128
Well, forget everything
you've heard in confessional.
189
00:07:56,162 --> 00:07:57,863
Look to me for guidance.
190
00:07:58,397 --> 00:08:00,865
Oh, I truly feel I can.
191
00:08:00,900 --> 00:08:02,800
Oh, Joy...
You're the most beautiful,
192
00:08:02,835 --> 00:08:05,469
fascinating creature
God ever made.
193
00:08:05,504 --> 00:08:07,605
- Oh, my.
- I'm sorry.
194
00:08:07,639 --> 00:08:09,773
Is that a normal thing to say
on a first date?
195
00:08:09,808 --> 00:08:11,008
Yep, totally normal.
196
00:08:11,042 --> 00:08:12,176
Keep 'em coming.
197
00:08:14,412 --> 00:08:16,781
I did Jersey Boys
for the money.
198
00:08:16,815 --> 00:08:20,051
But what really feeds
my soul is volunteering.
199
00:08:20,086 --> 00:08:22,154
Really?
So what do you do?
200
00:08:22,188 --> 00:08:23,788
I just got back
from volunteering
201
00:08:23,822 --> 00:08:27,492
from a depressed town
in northeastern Namibia.
202
00:08:27,526 --> 00:08:29,227
Totally wiped out by a flood.
203
00:08:29,261 --> 00:08:32,230
The water kept getting
higher...
204
00:08:32,265 --> 00:08:33,700
And higher...
205
00:08:35,334 --> 00:08:37,802
Can I get you guys
anything else to drink?
206
00:08:37,837 --> 00:08:39,404
Sherry?
207
00:08:43,743 --> 00:08:45,276
Sherry, baby?
208
00:08:47,580 --> 00:08:49,414
A vestigial tail.
209
00:08:49,448 --> 00:08:50,682
That really exists?
210
00:08:50,716 --> 00:08:52,917
My mother always said
it made me special.
211
00:08:52,952 --> 00:08:54,553
Oh.
212
00:08:54,587 --> 00:08:57,923
- But enough about the tail.
- Mm.
213
00:08:57,957 --> 00:09:00,158
I only have two days
in Cleveland.
214
00:09:00,193 --> 00:09:05,097
How should we spend this brief
but magnificent time together?
215
00:09:05,132 --> 00:09:06,666
Well, let's see, um...
216
00:09:06,700 --> 00:09:08,234
You know, there are some
fabulous restaurants.
217
00:09:08,269 --> 00:09:10,403
And then, of course, there's
the Rock and Roll Hall of--
218
00:09:10,438 --> 00:09:12,272
Okay, the tail.
Just tell me how long it is.
219
00:09:12,306 --> 00:09:15,141
I--I really need to know.
I'm picturing it like--
220
00:09:15,176 --> 00:09:17,811
Like the nub of a boxer.
221
00:09:17,845 --> 00:09:19,579
I have no nub.
222
00:09:19,613 --> 00:09:20,981
I'm a grown man.
223
00:09:21,015 --> 00:09:22,949
I have a grown man's tail.
224
00:09:25,019 --> 00:09:28,288
He has a tail!
225
00:09:28,322 --> 00:09:31,258
Now, how could we
not know this?
226
00:09:31,292 --> 00:09:33,727
Well, I never got that far
with him on the boat.
227
00:09:33,762 --> 00:09:38,165
Nor were there any flies
to whap away.
228
00:09:38,199 --> 00:09:39,399
[Laughter]
229
00:09:39,434 --> 00:09:41,835
I'm glad that you all
find this so amusing.
230
00:09:41,869 --> 00:09:43,437
I'm sorry,
it just feels so good
231
00:09:43,471 --> 00:09:44,471
to be able to laugh.
232
00:09:44,506 --> 00:09:45,973
My date sounds
like Mickey Mouse,
233
00:09:46,007 --> 00:09:47,574
and I'm having a hard time
keeping it together
234
00:09:47,609 --> 00:09:48,942
every time he talks.
235
00:09:48,977 --> 00:09:50,210
[Squeaky voice]
Excuse me.
236
00:09:50,245 --> 00:09:52,279
Do you know where
the little boy's room is?
237
00:09:52,313 --> 00:09:53,380
That's him.
238
00:09:53,415 --> 00:09:55,249
How am I supposed
to deal with that?
239
00:09:55,283 --> 00:09:56,517
Alright,
here's what you do.
240
00:09:56,551 --> 00:09:57,952
Now, whenever
I felt like I was about
241
00:09:57,986 --> 00:09:59,587
to ruin a scene
by laughing,
242
00:09:59,621 --> 00:10:01,789
I would bite
the inside of my mouth.
243
00:10:01,823 --> 00:10:04,058
I once lost a large
chunk of cheek
244
00:10:04,092 --> 00:10:08,298
when I was doing Love Letters
opposite ESPN's Chris Berman.
245
00:10:10,332 --> 00:10:12,967
Well, my date
is going great.
246
00:10:13,001 --> 00:10:14,868
He finds me so irresistible.
247
00:10:14,903 --> 00:10:17,204
He's giving up
the priesthood for me.
248
00:10:17,238 --> 00:10:19,373
Like in The Thorn Birds.
249
00:10:19,407 --> 00:10:21,709
Well, my date...
250
00:10:21,743 --> 00:10:24,545
Is Santa Claus.
251
00:10:24,579 --> 00:10:26,146
You mean, he looks like
Santa Claus?
252
00:10:26,180 --> 00:10:29,516
No, I think
he is Santa Claus.
253
00:10:29,550 --> 00:10:31,885
But things aren't
going so well for him.
254
00:10:31,919 --> 00:10:34,053
He and Mrs. Claus
are taking a break.
255
00:10:34,087 --> 00:10:37,357
It-- oh, it's a whole thing.
256
00:10:37,391 --> 00:10:39,625
And what makes you think
he's Santa?
257
00:10:39,660 --> 00:10:41,394
Look, I'm not crazy.
258
00:10:41,428 --> 00:10:44,329
Everything he says
points straight to it.
259
00:10:44,364 --> 00:10:47,199
I'll get him to admit it.
You just wait.
260
00:10:47,233 --> 00:10:50,301
Elka, you have
a very active imagination.
261
00:10:50,335 --> 00:10:52,670
However, may I
remind everyone
262
00:10:52,704 --> 00:10:56,007
that my date has a tail.
263
00:10:56,041 --> 00:10:59,378
Yeah, now, is it a big tail,
or is it more like a stub?
264
00:10:59,412 --> 00:11:01,046
He's a grown man...
265
00:11:01,081 --> 00:11:03,516
[Crying]
It's a grown man's tail.
266
00:11:11,201 --> 00:11:12,202
[Chuckles softly
and sighs]
267
00:11:13,236 --> 00:11:14,035
[Fork clanks on floor]
268
00:11:14,036 --> 00:11:16,206
Oh, I am so sorry.
269
00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:18,041
No problem.
270
00:11:18,325 --> 00:11:19,659
- Santa...
- Yes?
271
00:11:19,693 --> 00:11:21,661
I knew it!
272
00:11:21,695 --> 00:11:23,329
You are Santa Claus.
273
00:11:23,363 --> 00:11:24,864
All right.
Okay, okay.
274
00:11:24,898 --> 00:11:27,467
Not so loudly.
275
00:11:27,501 --> 00:11:29,135
Yeah, but what
are you doing?
276
00:11:29,170 --> 00:11:30,570
Why are you here?
277
00:11:30,605 --> 00:11:31,838
Well, if you must know,
278
00:11:31,872 --> 00:11:33,506
I--I like Cleveland.
279
00:11:33,540 --> 00:11:35,074
I fit in.
280
00:11:35,109 --> 00:11:39,713
I've decided to move here
and open a chipotle.
281
00:11:39,747 --> 00:11:41,314
Chipotle?
282
00:11:41,349 --> 00:11:43,016
Yeah, you know,
great burritos,
283
00:11:43,050 --> 00:11:46,686
- organic ingredients...
- I know what chipotle is.
284
00:11:46,721 --> 00:11:48,889
But what about you
being Santa?
285
00:11:48,923 --> 00:11:52,359
Well, frankly,
I've had enough of it.
286
00:11:52,393 --> 00:11:54,261
You try carrying around
the burden of knowing
287
00:11:54,295 --> 00:11:56,363
who's naughty and who's nice.
288
00:11:56,397 --> 00:11:58,031
It's too much for one man.
289
00:11:58,065 --> 00:12:00,200
Well,
you take this bar here.
290
00:12:00,234 --> 00:12:02,368
Naughty.
291
00:12:02,403 --> 00:12:04,771
Real naughty.
292
00:12:04,805 --> 00:12:06,406
What about me?
293
00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:09,709
Well, you're just
naughty enough.
294
00:12:09,743 --> 00:12:11,377
Oh, Santa.
295
00:12:11,412 --> 00:12:15,114
[Laughs]
296
00:12:15,148 --> 00:12:16,949
And, finally,
the golden rule
297
00:12:16,984 --> 00:12:18,985
is the three-second rule.
298
00:12:19,019 --> 00:12:20,253
What's that?
299
00:12:20,287 --> 00:12:22,088
It means you can't
look at another woman
300
00:12:22,122 --> 00:12:24,591
for more than three seconds.
301
00:12:24,625 --> 00:12:28,295
Well, why would I do that
when I'm looking at you?
302
00:12:28,330 --> 00:12:29,730
That does sound crazy.
303
00:12:29,764 --> 00:12:31,098
Yeah.
304
00:12:31,132 --> 00:12:32,099
But some men--
305
00:12:32,133 --> 00:12:33,968
Bad men--
Like to scope out
306
00:12:34,002 --> 00:12:35,402
all the other women
in the room.
307
00:12:35,437 --> 00:12:38,305
Really?
I wonder why.
308
00:12:42,244 --> 00:12:44,812
I think I might
be a bad man.
309
00:12:46,514 --> 00:12:48,082
No! You're not
a bad man.
310
00:12:48,116 --> 00:12:49,249
Stop looking!
311
00:12:49,284 --> 00:12:51,886
Wow. I am breaking
Matthew 5:28
312
00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:53,788
all over the place.
313
00:12:53,822 --> 00:12:55,490
I mean, look at those legs.
314
00:12:55,524 --> 00:12:57,759
Yes, look at them!
315
00:12:57,793 --> 00:12:59,761
Although, I don't know.
Maybe I'm not a leg man.
316
00:12:59,795 --> 00:13:02,230
Maybe I'm into
something else.
317
00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:07,769
No, no-- you're
definitely a leg man.
318
00:13:07,804 --> 00:13:10,839
I've been giving Communion
to that?
319
00:13:12,308 --> 00:13:14,142
So, tell me,
have you ever thought of...
320
00:13:14,177 --> 00:13:15,444
Having it removed?
321
00:13:15,478 --> 00:13:17,078
You Americans.
322
00:13:17,112 --> 00:13:18,846
You always want to have
plastic surgery
323
00:13:18,881 --> 00:13:21,215
to get rid of any
tiny imperfection.
324
00:13:21,249 --> 00:13:22,817
This is not how
we do it in France.
325
00:13:22,851 --> 00:13:24,518
No, but in your
circumstance--
326
00:13:24,552 --> 00:13:28,188
It is said that the most
beautiful woman in the world--
327
00:13:28,222 --> 00:13:30,790
Catherine Deneuve--
has a tail.
328
00:13:31,325 --> 00:13:32,826
What?
329
00:13:32,860 --> 00:13:34,194
You know the saying.
330
00:13:34,229 --> 00:13:36,230
"You wouldn't kick
Catherine Deneuve out of bed
331
00:13:36,264 --> 00:13:38,699
for wagging her tail."
332
00:13:38,734 --> 00:13:40,501
No.
333
00:13:40,535 --> 00:13:41,636
Well...
334
00:13:41,670 --> 00:13:44,805
In French, it rhymes.
335
00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:47,041
And it's a little bit
more clever.
336
00:13:51,347 --> 00:13:54,115
So what do you plan on doing
when Jersey Boys is over?
337
00:13:54,150 --> 00:13:55,149
Actually,
I'm auditioning
338
00:13:55,184 --> 00:13:58,119
for a production
of Richard III.
339
00:13:58,153 --> 00:13:59,821
Really?
I love Shakespeare.
340
00:13:59,855 --> 00:14:01,956
Really?
Well, then...
341
00:14:01,990 --> 00:14:04,158
[Clears throat]
Oh, gosh.
342
00:14:06,061 --> 00:14:09,063
Now is the Winter
of our Discontent.
343
00:14:09,097 --> 00:14:13,467
Made glorious summer
by this son of York.
344
00:14:13,502 --> 00:14:18,039
And all the clouds
that lour'd upon our house...
345
00:14:18,073 --> 00:14:20,241
And then I introduced him
to scoping,
346
00:14:20,275 --> 00:14:22,076
and he scoped out
Melanie's breasts.
347
00:14:22,110 --> 00:14:25,413
They are having
a good night tonight.
348
00:14:25,447 --> 00:14:28,249
I mean, rude!
349
00:14:28,283 --> 00:14:31,386
I was so close to creating
the perfect man.
350
00:14:31,420 --> 00:14:32,687
There's no such thing, Joy.
351
00:14:32,721 --> 00:14:37,759
Even God takes a perfect man
and slaps a tail on him.
352
00:14:37,793 --> 00:14:39,861
So how's it going
on your date, Elka?
353
00:14:39,895 --> 00:14:41,629
Oh, not well.
354
00:14:41,664 --> 00:14:44,432
I mean, he's admitted
he is Santa,
355
00:14:44,466 --> 00:14:46,701
but he wants
to quit his job.
356
00:14:46,736 --> 00:14:48,336
Well, he can't do that.
357
00:14:48,371 --> 00:14:51,639
We don't have anything
if we don't have Santa.
358
00:14:51,674 --> 00:14:53,675
And we all need
a little magic in this world.
359
00:14:53,709 --> 00:14:55,610
We do need magic.
360
00:14:55,645 --> 00:14:57,279
You're gonna have
to go out there
361
00:14:57,313 --> 00:14:59,815
and save Christmas, Elka.
362
00:15:00,350 --> 00:15:03,719
You have never
been so right.
363
00:15:03,754 --> 00:15:05,889
Thank you, Victoria.
364
00:15:07,892 --> 00:15:10,493
Okay, crazy lady's gone.
365
00:15:10,528 --> 00:15:13,163
And I have
an announcement to make.
366
00:15:13,197 --> 00:15:15,398
The Captain is not interested
in losing his tail,
367
00:15:15,433 --> 00:15:18,135
and I have decided
to respect his choice.
368
00:15:18,169 --> 00:15:19,870
Well, that's very
grown up of you.
369
00:15:19,904 --> 00:15:22,206
Hey, listen, I've gone out
with my share of men
370
00:15:22,241 --> 00:15:24,175
who I would rate
a six at best.
371
00:15:24,209 --> 00:15:27,278
Going into this date,
Captain Lebeau is a 10.
372
00:15:27,313 --> 00:15:31,082
And the tail, ah, maybe
knocks him down to an eight.
373
00:15:31,116 --> 00:15:33,083
So does it wag
when he's happy,
374
00:15:33,118 --> 00:15:35,419
or get all fluffy
when he's scared?
375
00:15:35,453 --> 00:15:38,688
It isn't furry, Melanie.
376
00:15:38,722 --> 00:15:39,989
I don't think.
377
00:15:40,023 --> 00:15:42,391
He's an eight!
378
00:15:44,895 --> 00:15:49,899
You need to keep doing good
to inspire good in the world.
379
00:15:49,933 --> 00:15:52,101
There already is
good in the world.
380
00:15:52,135 --> 00:15:55,372
Chipotle is good.
381
00:15:55,406 --> 00:15:56,707
Okay, Santa.
382
00:15:56,741 --> 00:16:00,711
I really need you
to forget chipotle
383
00:16:00,746 --> 00:16:02,714
and listen to me.
384
00:16:02,748 --> 00:16:04,750
All right.
385
00:16:04,784 --> 00:16:07,453
When I was a--
a child in Poland,
386
00:16:07,487 --> 00:16:11,590
I mean, my family had
had a particularly hard year.
387
00:16:11,625 --> 00:16:14,560
We didn't expect any presents
for Christmas.
388
00:16:14,595 --> 00:16:17,063
But... somehow, there were.
389
00:16:17,597 --> 00:16:19,365
Well, that was my job.
390
00:16:19,899 --> 00:16:22,468
I mean, there weren't
millions of gifts.
391
00:16:22,502 --> 00:16:26,772
But the fact that you came
at all meant everything to us.
392
00:16:26,806 --> 00:16:27,773
To me.
393
00:16:27,807 --> 00:16:30,609
Oh...Elka...
394
00:16:32,479 --> 00:16:34,780
Hello, Melanie.
395
00:16:34,814 --> 00:16:36,582
Where are you going?
396
00:16:36,616 --> 00:16:38,751
Oh, I just have to
ask Melanie a question.
397
00:16:38,785 --> 00:16:40,919
Why?
398
00:16:40,954 --> 00:16:42,454
Don't worry, Joy.
399
00:16:42,488 --> 00:16:44,123
I'm still in love with you.
400
00:16:44,157 --> 00:16:47,093
I'm just also in love
with your breasts.
401
00:16:47,927 --> 00:16:49,795
Not cool, dude!
402
00:16:50,830 --> 00:16:51,830
Not cool!
403
00:16:51,864 --> 00:16:54,032
[Laughing]
404
00:16:54,067 --> 00:16:55,166
Am I funny?
405
00:16:55,201 --> 00:16:56,368
I make you laugh?
406
00:16:56,402 --> 00:16:58,270
I'm sorry, but,
yes, you do.
407
00:16:58,304 --> 00:17:01,674
And, uh, could you say,
"Oh, no, Mr. Bill," for me?
408
00:17:01,708 --> 00:17:03,609
[Laughing]
409
00:17:03,644 --> 00:17:04,610
Jimmy, please--
410
00:17:04,644 --> 00:17:05,978
I am gonna waste your ass--
411
00:17:06,012 --> 00:17:08,647
Gentlemen, stop!
412
00:17:08,682 --> 00:17:11,817
Sir, you came here
with one woman.
413
00:17:11,852 --> 00:17:14,186
And this is who
you will stay with.
414
00:17:14,221 --> 00:17:16,289
I would never
talk to another woman
415
00:17:16,324 --> 00:17:19,192
when I'm fortunate enough
to be in the presence of
416
00:17:19,227 --> 00:17:21,328
beautiful Victoria Chase.
417
00:17:21,863 --> 00:17:24,033
He just got bumped up
to a nine.
418
00:17:26,067 --> 00:17:27,835
And you, sir, yes,
419
00:17:27,870 --> 00:17:31,005
you have a silly voice
that people laugh at.
420
00:17:31,039 --> 00:17:32,973
But you should be
proud of yourself...
421
00:17:33,007 --> 00:17:35,042
No matter your shortcomings.
422
00:17:35,076 --> 00:17:37,511
I, myself, have--
423
00:17:37,545 --> 00:17:38,812
A beautiful face!
424
00:17:38,846 --> 00:17:40,848
And, really, nothing else
really matters, does it?
425
00:17:40,882 --> 00:17:42,583
Great speech.
Come on.
426
00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:48,021
[Laughing]
Well, that was entertaining.
427
00:17:48,055 --> 00:17:51,524
I...
428
00:17:51,558 --> 00:17:52,892
Excuse me, miss.
429
00:17:52,927 --> 00:17:54,861
Do you know what happened
to the gentleman
430
00:17:54,895 --> 00:17:56,329
who was sitting here?
431
00:17:56,363 --> 00:17:58,264
Who, Eric?
I don't know.
432
00:17:58,299 --> 00:17:59,933
Maybe he went back
to the homeless shelter.
433
00:17:59,967 --> 00:18:02,603
- Oh...
- Oh, he's off his rocker.
434
00:18:02,637 --> 00:18:04,071
You know, he told
a waitress here
435
00:18:04,105 --> 00:18:05,673
that he was Santa.
436
00:18:05,707 --> 00:18:07,775
Crazy old dude.
437
00:18:08,309 --> 00:18:09,410
Listen, missy,
438
00:18:09,445 --> 00:18:10,778
that kind of name calling
439
00:18:10,812 --> 00:18:12,480
won't get you
off the naughty list
440
00:18:12,514 --> 00:18:15,282
anytime soon.
441
00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:21,021
I'm sorry
I got carried away.
442
00:18:21,056 --> 00:18:23,757
I'll always think of you
as my first, Joy.
443
00:18:23,792 --> 00:18:25,559
Until you actually
have your first,
444
00:18:25,594 --> 00:18:28,195
and then you really won't.
445
00:18:31,365 --> 00:18:35,235
So I... guess my voice
is too ridiculous.
446
00:18:35,999 --> 00:18:38,305
I'm so sorry
I hurt your feelings.
447
00:18:38,339 --> 00:18:40,808
I'm very immature.
448
00:18:41,642 --> 00:18:43,112
Melanie...
449
00:18:45,147 --> 00:18:46,113
Let's just say
450
00:18:46,148 --> 00:18:47,882
every night on stage,
451
00:18:47,916 --> 00:18:51,585
I sing, Big Girls Don't Cry.
452
00:18:51,620 --> 00:18:53,053
But tonight, well,
453
00:18:53,088 --> 00:18:55,122
this big boy...
454
00:18:55,156 --> 00:18:56,390
Actually might.
455
00:19:00,761 --> 00:19:03,929
[Deeper voice] You'll never know
what you missed.
456
00:19:03,964 --> 00:19:05,531
Well, now I want you back.
457
00:19:05,565 --> 00:19:06,532
- [High voice] Really?
- No.
458
00:19:06,566 --> 00:19:08,734
Okay.
459
00:19:10,703 --> 00:19:12,204
So...
460
00:19:12,238 --> 00:19:14,306
Would you like to go back
to my hotel room?
461
00:19:14,340 --> 00:19:16,508
Aye aye, Captain.
462
00:19:16,543 --> 00:19:19,645
Wonderful.
463
00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:22,715
Let's see
what we have here.
464
00:19:24,885 --> 00:19:28,154
You have the salmon.
465
00:19:28,189 --> 00:19:31,124
Two glasses of wine.
466
00:19:31,159 --> 00:19:33,663
And, let's face it,
most of the mushroom caps.
467
00:19:36,298 --> 00:19:40,434
I think you owe
$37 to my $32.
468
00:19:41,569 --> 00:19:43,038
What?
469
00:19:43,672 --> 00:19:46,174
Now, I was willing
to take the tail.
470
00:19:46,208 --> 00:19:48,309
But being cheap, ho ho,
471
00:19:48,344 --> 00:19:51,445
that takes you
down to a five.
472
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:55,216
And I...
will not date a five.
473
00:20:00,149 --> 00:20:01,916
So what have we learned
on our special day?
474
00:20:01,917 --> 00:20:04,384
That this was
a terrible idea.
475
00:20:04,418 --> 00:20:06,986
Happy Birthday.
476
00:20:07,021 --> 00:20:08,588
You know, maybe we should
just forget
477
00:20:08,622 --> 00:20:09,823
fixing each other up
with men
478
00:20:09,857 --> 00:20:11,857
and enjoy
each other's company.
479
00:20:11,892 --> 00:20:13,592
Right?
[Gasps]
480
00:20:13,626 --> 00:20:14,927
Ooh! Hot firemen.
481
00:20:14,962 --> 00:20:16,895
But...You just gave
that whole speech about--
482
00:20:16,930 --> 00:20:19,032
Shut up, Joy.
483
00:20:19,566 --> 00:20:20,967
Hello, hero.
484
00:20:21,001 --> 00:20:22,001
Hello, ladies.
485
00:20:22,002 --> 00:20:23,402
Can we buy you a drink?
486
00:20:24,702 --> 00:20:26,202
Yeah. Thank you.
487
00:20:26,403 --> 00:20:31,003
Sync, corrected by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
488
00:20:31,053 --> 00:20:35,603
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