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1
00:00:00,633 --> 00:00:03,734
"Hot in Cleveland" is recordedin front of a live studio audience.
2
00:00:04,233 --> 00:00:06,318
So Ms. Scroggs,
I am happy to say
3
00:00:06,319 --> 00:00:07,919
that comprehensive
baby solutions
4
00:00:07,954 --> 00:00:09,921
finds you qualified
for our assistance.
5
00:00:09,956 --> 00:00:13,358
Oh, good. Because
I really want to have a baby.
6
00:00:13,392 --> 00:00:14,859
But with every year
that passes,
7
00:00:14,894 --> 00:00:16,852
the options
become slimmer and slimmer.
8
00:00:16,886 --> 00:00:20,021
Really? A woman your age
still has plenty of time.
9
00:00:20,055 --> 00:00:21,286
Oh, dear.
10
00:00:21,320 --> 00:00:23,502
I put down my fake age,
didn't I?
11
00:00:23,537 --> 00:00:24,501
Habit.
12
00:00:25,036 --> 00:00:26,838
Add seven.
13
00:00:27,572 --> 00:00:30,376
Then add three
after that.
14
00:00:30,910 --> 00:00:32,916
We have our work
cut out for us, don't we?
15
00:00:33,850 --> 00:00:34,890
Not to worry.
16
00:00:34,925 --> 00:00:37,528
We don't like to brag,
but Midlife Mommy magazine
17
00:00:37,562 --> 00:00:39,432
rated our sperm
the best in Ohio.
18
00:00:40,466 --> 00:00:42,504
We have athletes,
bankers, professors.
19
00:00:42,538 --> 00:00:46,409
I'm gonna show you some of
our most popular donors.
20
00:00:49,244 --> 00:00:50,177
Oh.
21
00:00:50,412 --> 00:00:51,744
He looks very smart.
22
00:00:51,779 --> 00:00:54,950
Oh. If you want education,
you should try 317.
23
00:00:54,984 --> 00:00:56,418
Ooh.
24
00:00:56,452 --> 00:00:59,122
Maybe a little
too much education.
25
00:00:59,157 --> 00:01:01,591
Yes. Everyone says
they want geniuses
26
00:01:01,626 --> 00:01:04,360
until they see one.
27
00:01:04,395 --> 00:01:06,462
Well, weâ"oh.
He shouldn't be here.
28
00:01:06,496 --> 00:01:07,763
You can't have him.
29
00:01:07,797 --> 00:01:09,464
Well, now I want him.
Who is he?
30
00:01:09,998 --> 00:01:13,302
Only our all-time most
popular donor, number 106.
31
00:01:13,337 --> 00:01:15,941
We've retired him.
Retired him?
32
00:01:15,976 --> 00:01:19,511
Well, we can't have too many
little 106s running around.
33
00:01:19,545 --> 00:01:22,380
It's really too bad, though.
Very high success rate.
34
00:01:22,414 --> 00:01:23,781
Those little guys
can crack through
35
00:01:23,815 --> 00:01:26,683
the hardest,
crustiest old eggs.
36
00:01:26,717 --> 00:01:29,153
And his offspring
have done phenomenally.
37
00:01:29,187 --> 00:01:31,457
One is on American Idol
right now.
38
00:01:31,491 --> 00:01:34,060
- Can I look?
- We'd rather you didn't.
39
00:01:34,094 --> 00:01:36,496
Oh, please?
I've had a tough year.
40
00:01:36,530 --> 00:01:38,532
I was engaged
to a homeless man.
41
00:01:38,567 --> 00:01:39,867
I almost got deported.
42
00:01:39,901 --> 00:01:43,004
I accidentally shot the son
I gave up for adoption.
43
00:01:43,039 --> 00:01:46,174
I still haven't
told you my real age.
44
00:01:53,514 --> 00:01:56,316
Oh, God.
45
00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:01,887
Oh, God.
46
00:02:01,921 --> 00:02:04,323
Just Rick will be fine.
47
00:02:05,323 --> 00:02:15,323
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
48
00:02:16,435 --> 00:02:17,736
Howdy.
49
00:02:18,070 --> 00:02:20,872
Oh. Is your neighborhood
watch training already over?
50
00:02:20,873 --> 00:02:23,476
Yes, ma'am. And lakewood's
a pretty safe neighborhood.
51
00:02:23,511 --> 00:02:25,879
But Rick still gave us
these pamphlets to study.
52
00:02:25,914 --> 00:02:27,848
"The signs of drug abuse,
how to talk to gang members,
53
00:02:27,882 --> 00:02:31,151
are there prostitutes
in your neighborhood?"
54
00:02:31,185 --> 00:02:33,987
Oh, there's one right there.
55
00:02:35,722 --> 00:02:37,323
So you're done with
your neighborhood watch?
56
00:02:37,357 --> 00:02:39,058
Yeah. Yeah, and the funniest
thing happenedâ"
57
00:02:39,092 --> 00:02:40,759
Great story.
So...
58
00:02:40,793 --> 00:02:42,794
Does that mean everyone's
knocked off, including Rick?
59
00:02:42,828 --> 00:02:44,262
Yeah. Yeah, he's probably
back at his placeâ"
60
00:02:44,296 --> 00:02:46,264
- Right. I'm off then.
- Where are you going?
61
00:02:46,298 --> 00:02:49,000
Out. I won't be long.
Unless I am.
62
00:02:50,535 --> 00:02:51,769
That's weird.
63
00:02:51,803 --> 00:02:54,405
Joy's been disappearing
a lot lately.
64
00:02:54,940 --> 00:02:57,342
I just had the most
depressing news from my agent.
65
00:02:57,376 --> 00:02:59,310
- What's wrong?
- They're making a musical
66
00:02:59,344 --> 00:03:00,745
of Driving Miss Daisy.
67
00:03:00,780 --> 00:03:02,381
Oh, well,
that's regrettable.
68
00:03:02,415 --> 00:03:03,983
But why are you
so upset?
69
00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:05,617
It's gonna be at
the Cleveland Playhouse.
70
00:03:05,652 --> 00:03:07,453
I wanted to audition
for the lead,
71
00:03:07,487 --> 00:03:09,455
but the director
won't even meet with me.
72
00:03:09,489 --> 00:03:11,290
Honey,
that's a grandmother part.
73
00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:13,926
In a musical
that might go to Broadway.
74
00:03:13,961 --> 00:03:15,929
And beautiful actresses
willing to age up
75
00:03:15,963 --> 00:03:17,864
are always award magnets.
76
00:03:17,899 --> 00:03:19,466
Age up?
77
00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:20,967
[Laughing]
78
00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:23,770
Yes. In fact,
the director won't see me
79
00:03:23,805 --> 00:03:26,706
because he said I'd be
unconvincing as an old lady.
80
00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:29,175
What an insult!
81
00:03:30,209 --> 00:03:31,645
[Gruffer, Southern accent]
Well, you're gonna have to do
82
00:03:31,679 --> 00:03:34,214
better than that, Hoke,
or you'll never win
83
00:03:34,248 --> 00:03:39,520
the great Georgia
chauffeur's race.
84
00:03:39,555 --> 00:03:41,655
I-I don't remember
there being a chauffeur's race
85
00:03:41,690 --> 00:03:43,291
in Driving Miss Daisy.
86
00:03:43,325 --> 00:03:46,594
Yeah, well, they've
taken a few liberties.
87
00:03:46,628 --> 00:03:47,795
It doesn't matter,
88
00:03:47,829 --> 00:03:50,197
'cause your old lady acting
is terrible!
89
00:03:50,231 --> 00:03:53,266
Oh. I suppose
you could do better.
90
00:03:58,639 --> 00:03:59,606
You know what?
91
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:02,275
I'm gonna go
all Tootsie on their ass.
92
00:04:02,310 --> 00:04:04,411
I am gonna go
to that audition in character
93
00:04:04,445 --> 00:04:06,713
as an old lady,
and I'm gonna get that part.
94
00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:08,815
Maybe Elka could give you
some pointers.
95
00:04:08,849 --> 00:04:12,085
I do love telling people
what they're doing wrong.
96
00:04:14,155 --> 00:04:17,024
I just came over to ask him
if he'd come out of retirement.
97
00:04:17,058 --> 00:04:18,625
But once I saw him,
I realized
98
00:04:18,659 --> 00:04:20,494
I shouldn't have
a baby with him!
99
00:04:20,529 --> 00:04:22,396
And I started crying.
100
00:04:22,430 --> 00:04:24,898
So he put his arm around me
to comfort me,
101
00:04:24,933 --> 00:04:26,733
and that turned into
a massage,
102
00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:29,803
and the massage
felt so amazing...
103
00:04:29,837 --> 00:04:33,039
I forgot about procreation
and went straight to recreation.
104
00:04:33,073 --> 00:04:35,040
And now I can't stop.
105
00:04:35,074 --> 00:04:38,043
And I feel so ashamed!
106
00:04:38,077 --> 00:04:40,077
It's like there's this filth
107
00:04:40,078 --> 00:04:42,980
that just can't be
washed off me.
108
00:04:43,015 --> 00:04:45,750
That filth
is the coconut oil.
109
00:04:49,454 --> 00:04:51,122
Thank you for listening.
110
00:04:51,156 --> 00:04:52,590
I had to tell someone,
111
00:04:52,625 --> 00:04:54,058
and you're the only one
who can know
112
00:04:54,093 --> 00:04:56,127
this ever, ever happened.
113
00:04:56,161 --> 00:04:58,062
Hush, little baby.
Don't say a word.
114
00:04:58,096 --> 00:05:00,965
Papa's gonna rub
your upper third.
115
00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:03,501
Rick, I told you
the whole papa thing
116
00:05:03,536 --> 00:05:05,604
creeps me out,
so pleaseâ"
117
00:05:05,638 --> 00:05:07,773
Oh... Oh...
118
00:05:07,807 --> 00:05:09,441
How did you get so good atâ"
119
00:05:09,476 --> 00:05:11,310
Making love?
120
00:05:11,344 --> 00:05:13,145
I wish you wouldn't
use that term.
121
00:05:13,179 --> 00:05:14,513
It sounds cheesy.
122
00:05:14,547 --> 00:05:19,084
Yes. The sweetest cheese
two people can share.
123
00:05:19,118 --> 00:05:22,655
Actually, my swordsmanship
came rather late in life,
124
00:05:22,689 --> 00:05:25,691
although I had a vast
theoretical knowledge of sex
125
00:05:25,726 --> 00:05:30,295
due to extensive reading
and film study.
126
00:05:30,829 --> 00:05:32,097
How come
when you're not touching me,
127
00:05:32,131 --> 00:05:34,198
I find you so irritating?
128
00:05:34,233 --> 00:05:37,101
You're no day at the beach
for me either, sweet cakes.
129
00:05:37,535 --> 00:05:41,171
I prefer
dark Italian women.
130
00:05:41,705 --> 00:05:44,007
Who live with you.
131
00:05:44,741 --> 00:05:46,075
- Melanie?
- She's the kind of girl
132
00:05:46,076 --> 00:05:47,310
you could introduce
to your mother
133
00:05:47,344 --> 00:05:49,345
without having her
yell at you.
134
00:05:49,380 --> 00:05:52,115
Say...You wouldn't mind
dropping a hint to her
135
00:05:52,150 --> 00:05:55,553
about my sexellence...
Would you?
136
00:05:56,087 --> 00:05:58,056
You leave Melanie alone.
137
00:05:58,090 --> 00:06:00,125
I feel bad enough
being addicted
138
00:06:00,159 --> 00:06:02,127
to this mixture
of pleasure and shame.
139
00:06:02,161 --> 00:06:03,462
I wouldn't wish it on her.
140
00:06:03,996 --> 00:06:06,532
Yes. But would you
wish me...
141
00:06:08,735 --> 00:06:10,469
On you?
142
00:06:10,504 --> 00:06:14,473
Yes. But only if you please
just shut up.
143
00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:16,576
Of course, milady.
Your wish is my...
144
00:06:16,610 --> 00:06:18,911
Shut up!
145
00:06:20,180 --> 00:06:21,514
Aah!
146
00:06:21,548 --> 00:06:22,915
Hey, listen to this.
147
00:06:22,950 --> 00:06:25,084
It's from the pamphlet
on drug abuse.
148
00:06:25,118 --> 00:06:27,787
"The symptoms include
evasiveness,
149
00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:30,490
paranoia, euphoria."
150
00:06:30,524 --> 00:06:32,425
I mean, I don't want
to jump to any conclusions,
151
00:06:32,460 --> 00:06:33,861
but doesn't that
describe the way
152
00:06:33,895 --> 00:06:35,028
Joy's been acting lately?
153
00:06:35,063 --> 00:06:38,065
Yes.
Let's lock her up.
154
00:06:39,099 --> 00:06:40,768
No. I know joy.
155
00:06:40,802 --> 00:06:42,203
She can't be on drugs.
156
00:06:42,237 --> 00:06:44,605
Can we still lock her up?
157
00:06:45,639 --> 00:06:47,208
["Elderly" voice]
Tea, hard candy,
158
00:06:47,742 --> 00:06:49,209
kleenex.
159
00:07:01,422 --> 00:07:03,023
Good.
160
00:07:03,057 --> 00:07:04,191
Good speed.
161
00:07:04,225 --> 00:07:06,893
Now... feel the lack
of burn.
162
00:07:12,499 --> 00:07:13,733
[Grunts]
163
00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:15,568
There. How's that?
164
00:07:15,602 --> 00:07:18,671
Terrible!
165
00:07:18,706 --> 00:07:22,209
You used your standing up grunt
for sitting down.
166
00:07:22,243 --> 00:07:24,244
Oh. Good note.
Okay, how's this?
167
00:07:25,947 --> 00:07:28,115
Uggghhh!
168
00:07:28,149 --> 00:07:29,416
Better.
Better.
169
00:07:30,952 --> 00:07:32,486
You know, I need
to workshop this character.
170
00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:35,222
Do you think I'm ready
to take her out into public?
171
00:07:35,256 --> 00:07:37,224
Pop quiz.
172
00:07:37,758 --> 00:07:41,128
How much did a cup of coffee
cost in 1947?
173
00:07:41,162 --> 00:07:44,298
What, you mean like
a Venti or a Grande?
174
00:07:44,332 --> 00:07:45,599
Have you learned nothing?
175
00:07:45,634 --> 00:07:47,235
Oh, oh, oh!
Right, right, right.
176
00:07:47,269 --> 00:07:50,205
Uh...yeah.
177
00:07:50,239 --> 00:07:52,808
["Elderly voice"]
It cost what it should cost,
178
00:07:52,842 --> 00:07:56,145
not what people are charging
other people around here today.
179
00:07:56,179 --> 00:07:57,480
It is a conspiracy.
180
00:07:57,514 --> 00:07:59,682
I saw it on Fox News!
181
00:08:01,118 --> 00:08:03,487
- You're ready.
- [Laughs]
182
00:08:04,889 --> 00:08:06,924
Hello, dear friends.
183
00:08:06,958 --> 00:08:09,326
You're all looking
fantastic tonight.
184
00:08:10,495 --> 00:08:11,661
[Quietly]
Euphoria.
185
00:08:11,696 --> 00:08:14,531
I can't hear you
when you whisper.
186
00:08:15,265 --> 00:08:16,799
Joy, where have you been
all day?
187
00:08:16,833 --> 00:08:19,335
Oh, you know.
Here, there, around.
188
00:08:19,369 --> 00:08:20,902
Evasiveness.
189
00:08:20,937 --> 00:08:22,304
Joy, you feeling okay?
190
00:08:22,338 --> 00:08:23,805
Better than okay.
191
00:08:23,839 --> 00:08:25,273
I can't remember
the last time
192
00:08:25,308 --> 00:08:28,109
I felt this relaxed
and tension-free.
193
00:08:28,144 --> 00:08:31,547
I'm gonna make lemonade
for all my favorite people.
194
00:08:31,581 --> 00:08:33,315
You, sweet Melanie,
195
00:08:33,349 --> 00:08:35,418
old lady I haven't met yet...
196
00:08:37,754 --> 00:08:38,955
And Elka.
197
00:08:38,989 --> 00:08:41,858
You adorable
little button of a woman.
198
00:08:43,528 --> 00:08:46,196
Yep, she's on drugs.
199
00:08:51,702 --> 00:08:53,337
You got here fast.
200
00:08:53,371 --> 00:08:54,971
It sounded like...
You needed me.
201
00:08:55,006 --> 00:08:56,573
What's up?
202
00:08:56,607 --> 00:08:58,842
Well...lt's about Joy.
203
00:08:58,876 --> 00:09:01,710
I think something's
gotten into her.
204
00:09:05,481 --> 00:09:07,349
Something, indeed.
205
00:09:09,718 --> 00:09:12,220
I justâ"I don't want her
to get in trouble.
206
00:09:12,255 --> 00:09:14,323
And I'm probably wrong,
but...
207
00:09:14,357 --> 00:09:16,525
I think she may
be on something.
208
00:09:18,895 --> 00:09:20,796
And since you're
the neighborhood watch captain,
209
00:09:20,830 --> 00:09:22,598
you might know where
she's getting her stuff.
210
00:09:24,234 --> 00:09:26,902
I've a pretty good idea.
211
00:09:26,936 --> 00:09:28,904
Can you show me?
212
00:09:28,939 --> 00:09:31,907
Hmm.
213
00:09:31,942 --> 00:09:33,409
As much as I'd like toâ"
214
00:09:33,443 --> 00:09:35,378
Oh, please, please.
I heard her on the phone.
215
00:09:35,412 --> 00:09:37,881
She said she wanted it tonight
and she needed it bad.
216
00:09:37,915 --> 00:09:43,020
She's got a powerful monkey
on her back, all right.
217
00:09:43,054 --> 00:09:44,822
You said at the meeting
that there was a spot
218
00:09:44,856 --> 00:09:46,056
where it all goes down.
219
00:09:46,091 --> 00:09:48,025
Can you please take me there?
220
00:09:48,059 --> 00:09:50,527
Okay.
I'll go get the van.
221
00:09:50,561 --> 00:09:54,064
I just need to, uh, I need to
cancel a previous engagement.
222
00:09:57,902 --> 00:10:00,003
[Phone rings]
223
00:10:04,107 --> 00:10:07,643
Line's busy.
I'll... call back later.
224
00:10:12,983 --> 00:10:14,451
Oh, this place
is too crowded,
225
00:10:14,485 --> 00:10:16,953
too noisy,
and too expensive!
226
00:10:16,987 --> 00:10:19,456
$6.00 for a beer.
Well, I remember
227
00:10:19,490 --> 00:10:21,458
when you could get
a bucket of suds for 4 bits,
228
00:10:21,492 --> 00:10:23,460
dagnabbit!
229
00:10:24,495 --> 00:10:27,464
You're from Lakewood,
not Deadwood.
230
00:10:28,199 --> 00:10:29,333
Good note.
231
00:10:30,067 --> 00:10:31,402
Oh, my God.
232
00:10:31,436 --> 00:10:35,039
Robert Mactavish is at the bar.
He's the director of Daisy.
233
00:10:35,074 --> 00:10:37,475
He's the one who said
I couldn't play old.
234
00:10:37,759 --> 00:10:40,261
Well...I'll show him.
235
00:10:46,302 --> 00:10:48,937
Scoot over, sonny.
Or move over, scooter.
236
00:10:48,971 --> 00:10:52,173
Sorry.
Please, sit down.
237
00:10:52,207 --> 00:10:53,307
Arrruuumm.
238
00:10:55,010 --> 00:10:57,344
Well, there's no need
to be sorry.
239
00:10:57,378 --> 00:10:59,280
But if you want
to make it up to me,
240
00:10:59,314 --> 00:11:01,248
I am a bit parched.
241
00:11:01,282 --> 00:11:03,517
I'm drier than
a revival meeting
242
00:11:03,552 --> 00:11:05,986
during prohibition.
243
00:11:08,056 --> 00:11:10,023
Gladly.
I'm Robert Mactavish.
244
00:11:10,057 --> 00:11:11,658
Oh, well...
245
00:11:11,692 --> 00:11:14,327
I'm Millicent...
246
00:11:14,361 --> 00:11:16,796
Ostrovsky.
247
00:11:16,831 --> 00:11:19,332
84 years young.
248
00:11:33,180 --> 00:11:35,582
I can't see anyone.
249
00:11:35,616 --> 00:11:37,951
A good surveillance
takes time.
250
00:11:37,985 --> 00:11:41,855
We could be in this van...
all night.
251
00:11:45,593 --> 00:11:47,360
Champagne.
What's that for?
252
00:11:47,394 --> 00:11:49,562
Uh... it's part of our cover.
253
00:11:49,596 --> 00:11:52,265
In case anyone asks,
this is a first date.
254
00:11:52,299 --> 00:11:55,467
That's why I, uh, brought you
these lilies.
255
00:11:55,502 --> 00:11:58,304
You mentioned one time
they were your favorite.
256
00:11:58,339 --> 00:12:00,073
Oh, that's so sweet!
257
00:12:00,107 --> 00:12:02,475
And a little odd.
258
00:12:02,510 --> 00:12:04,478
But no champagne.
Thank you.
259
00:12:04,512 --> 00:12:05,845
I don't want to be out of it
260
00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:07,980
in case we have to separate
Joy from her dealer.
261
00:12:08,015 --> 00:12:11,017
You'll need a crowbar.
262
00:12:11,051 --> 00:12:13,686
Perhaps you would
prefer a little grass.
263
00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:15,320
What? No. We're supposed
to shut down drugs
264
00:12:15,355 --> 00:12:16,922
in this neighborhood.
265
00:12:16,956 --> 00:12:19,657
Hey, mellow.
266
00:12:19,692 --> 00:12:21,559
I'm only talking about
wheat grass juice.
267
00:12:21,593 --> 00:12:23,461
Then why didn't you say
wheat grass juice?
268
00:12:23,495 --> 00:12:24,862
Saying grass is quicker.
269
00:12:24,897 --> 00:12:27,098
"Hey, you want a cup of grass?"
"Is that fresh-squeezed grass?"
270
00:12:27,132 --> 00:12:30,001
See? Quicker.
271
00:12:30,035 --> 00:12:32,170
Can we just do our stakeout?
272
00:12:32,204 --> 00:12:34,839
I'm feeling
some negative tension from you.
273
00:12:34,874 --> 00:12:38,443
A proper surveillance demands
a peaceful, easy feeling.
274
00:12:38,477 --> 00:12:41,079
I'm sorry, I'm just...
I'm worried.
275
00:12:41,113 --> 00:12:44,215
Yeah. Close your eyes
for a minute and just...
276
00:12:44,249 --> 00:12:46,250
listen to the music.
277
00:12:46,284 --> 00:12:47,852
Rick, what are youâ"
278
00:12:47,886 --> 00:12:50,722
- Oh... what are youâ"
- Doing?
279
00:12:50,756 --> 00:12:52,690
Relaxing you.
280
00:12:52,725 --> 00:12:54,259
You want me to stop?
281
00:12:54,294 --> 00:12:57,330
Um... in a minute.
282
00:12:57,364 --> 00:13:00,633
Oh, wow, Rick,
that feels so good.
283
00:13:01,969 --> 00:13:04,905
You bastard!
You're sleeping with her too?
284
00:13:04,939 --> 00:13:08,107
Oh, my God!
She's high as a kite!
285
00:13:08,142 --> 00:13:11,478
This is your urgent
neighborhood watch business?
286
00:13:11,512 --> 00:13:14,647
And I brought you a hoagie
in case you got hungry!
287
00:13:14,681 --> 00:13:17,783
Ooh! What kind?
288
00:13:17,818 --> 00:13:20,953
- What is going on here?
- That's what I'd like to know.
289
00:13:20,987 --> 00:13:23,021
I was just trying to keep her
from finding out about us.
290
00:13:23,056 --> 00:13:24,356
- With a backrub?
- Wait, wait, wait.
291
00:13:24,390 --> 00:13:25,857
You two are an "us"?
292
00:13:25,892 --> 00:13:28,527
You've had the massage.
Can you blame me?
293
00:13:31,597 --> 00:13:33,099
I don't want to get
ahead of myself,
294
00:13:33,133 --> 00:13:35,935
but I can't help thinking
you'd be a perfect miss Daisy.
295
00:13:35,970 --> 00:13:37,971
Oh, I'm just flattered
that you would ask
296
00:13:38,005 --> 00:13:41,208
an unknown actress like myself
to audition.
297
00:13:41,243 --> 00:13:43,711
But even if things
don't work out with the musical,
298
00:13:43,745 --> 00:13:46,982
I hope we can still
be friends or...
299
00:13:47,016 --> 00:13:48,350
More than friends?
300
00:13:48,384 --> 00:13:52,020
I'm sorry?
301
00:13:52,054 --> 00:13:54,790
I'm drawn to women like you.
302
00:13:54,824 --> 00:13:57,492
Attractive, intelligent,
wise.
303
00:13:57,526 --> 00:13:59,060
Old?
304
00:13:59,094 --> 00:14:02,997
Mature and full of life
experience. Yes.
305
00:14:03,032 --> 00:14:06,268
Until later, then?
306
00:14:06,302 --> 00:14:09,337
Your hand is remarkably
smooth and wrinkle-free.
307
00:14:09,371 --> 00:14:10,805
Hello!
There's an age spot.
308
00:14:10,839 --> 00:14:12,006
What?
I mean...
309
00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:15,009
Oh, well,
that little thing?
310
00:14:15,043 --> 00:14:16,510
[Laughs and snorts]
Oh, well...
311
00:14:16,545 --> 00:14:19,447
I best get back
to my little sister.
312
00:14:24,853 --> 00:14:27,221
Okay. He's coming by
the house tonight
313
00:14:27,255 --> 00:14:29,056
to audition me for Daisy.
314
00:14:29,090 --> 00:14:30,991
- Congratulations!
- Yeah, but I think
315
00:14:31,025 --> 00:14:32,893
he wants more than
an audition.
316
00:14:32,927 --> 00:14:36,563
Oh!
He's a wrinkle chaser.
317
00:14:39,066 --> 00:14:41,000
Whatâ"that's a thing?
318
00:14:41,034 --> 00:14:42,868
Oh, they're
all over the place.
319
00:14:42,903 --> 00:14:46,471
That's why I had to stop
mall walking.
320
00:14:46,506 --> 00:14:48,173
Okay. New plan.
321
00:14:48,208 --> 00:14:51,277
I am gonna nail this audition
and get this part.
322
00:14:51,311 --> 00:14:53,679
But I am not gonna reveal
my real self
323
00:14:53,714 --> 00:14:55,048
until opening night.
324
00:14:55,082 --> 00:14:56,783
In the meantime,
325
00:14:56,818 --> 00:14:59,019
I'm just gonna tease him along
all through rehearsal.
326
00:14:59,554 --> 00:15:02,423
So you're gonna have to
teach me the grunt for sexy.
327
00:15:02,458 --> 00:15:05,126
It's the same
as sitting down.
328
00:15:05,161 --> 00:15:06,295
Uugghaaaahh.
329
00:15:06,329 --> 00:15:09,098
[Both laughing]
330
00:15:11,100 --> 00:15:14,570
Again, I'm sorry
I thought you were on drugs.
331
00:15:14,605 --> 00:15:17,140
It's not as weird as what
I was really on.
332
00:15:17,174 --> 00:15:18,909
Is he really that good?
333
00:15:18,943 --> 00:15:21,378
Remember those giant muffins
we loved
334
00:15:21,412 --> 00:15:24,081
until we found out they were
like a thousand calories each?
335
00:15:24,115 --> 00:15:27,918
He's that good.
He's muffin good.
336
00:15:27,952 --> 00:15:29,920
No!
337
00:15:29,954 --> 00:15:31,922
Yes!
338
00:15:31,956 --> 00:15:34,592
Well, we're just gonna
have to do for each other
339
00:15:34,626 --> 00:15:36,293
what we did
with the muffins.
340
00:15:36,328 --> 00:15:38,496
Just eat the top?
341
00:15:39,030 --> 00:15:41,432
I'll stop you
from having any more
342
00:15:41,466 --> 00:15:43,768
- and you'll stop me.
- Right.
343
00:15:43,802 --> 00:15:45,169
We've got to be strong.
344
00:15:45,203 --> 00:15:46,637
Shall we go in?
345
00:15:47,372 --> 00:15:49,373
Actually, I think
I'm gonna go for a walk.
346
00:15:49,408 --> 00:15:50,608
- I'm feeling a little tense.
- Right.
347
00:15:50,642 --> 00:15:52,442
Hey, wait a minute!
348
00:15:52,477 --> 00:15:53,877
You're gonna go back to him,
aren't you?
349
00:15:53,912 --> 00:15:55,746
Oh! I can't help it!
350
00:15:55,780 --> 00:15:58,382
I want my love muffin.
351
00:15:58,416 --> 00:16:00,416
Get me inside!
352
00:16:01,756 --> 00:16:03,891
And, hoke, I'm glad
I got to see you win
353
00:16:03,925 --> 00:16:07,727
that chauffeur's race
before I died.
354
00:16:08,762 --> 00:16:10,930
And now I must pass.
355
00:16:11,464 --> 00:16:16,067
I hope there's integration
in heaven...
356
00:16:16,102 --> 00:16:20,872
So that you can drive me
for all of eternity.
357
00:16:28,281 --> 00:16:30,716
Oh! That was wonderful.
358
00:16:30,750 --> 00:16:32,885
Tears!
Come.
359
00:16:32,919 --> 00:16:35,788
Sit down next to me.
360
00:16:35,823 --> 00:16:37,790
Uuggghh.
361
00:16:37,825 --> 00:16:39,259
Oh, dear, I'm sorry.
362
00:16:39,293 --> 00:16:42,262
Was my underwear showing
this whole time?
363
00:16:42,296 --> 00:16:44,732
You are driving me crazy,
miss Daisy!
364
00:16:44,766 --> 00:16:46,600
Oh, you naughty boy, now!
365
00:16:46,635 --> 00:16:48,836
I bet you do that
with all the girls.
366
00:16:48,871 --> 00:16:51,439
So who else auditioned
anyway?
367
00:16:51,473 --> 00:16:53,941
Oh, my God, every once-great
star you can think of
368
00:16:53,975 --> 00:16:55,409
came out of the woodwork.
369
00:16:55,443 --> 00:16:57,211
Have you ever heard
the soap opera actress
370
00:16:57,245 --> 00:16:58,812
Victoria Chase?
371
00:16:58,847 --> 00:17:01,782
Oh. The actress
who won the Emmy?
372
00:17:01,816 --> 00:17:03,884
Gorgeous, talented.
373
00:17:03,919 --> 00:17:06,320
Carried Edge of Tomorrow
for 27 years.
374
00:17:06,354 --> 00:17:09,256
Yes, I believe
I have heard of her.
375
00:17:09,290 --> 00:17:12,092
Well, even she wanted
to try out for this part.
376
00:17:12,127 --> 00:17:15,229
Oh! Well, bless my corn.
She would have been fabulous.
377
00:17:15,263 --> 00:17:16,530
Are you kidding me?
378
00:17:16,565 --> 00:17:18,832
She's a one-note wonder.
379
00:17:20,268 --> 00:17:22,369
The only time that she
was a one-note wonder
380
00:17:22,403 --> 00:17:26,574
was when she was in the
movie One-note Wonder.
381
00:17:26,608 --> 00:17:30,312
Come on.
She's a soap actress.
382
00:17:31,314 --> 00:17:32,881
Uuhh!
I will have you know,
383
00:17:32,916 --> 00:17:35,384
Mr. Mactavish,
that soap opera actresses
384
00:17:35,419 --> 00:17:38,721
work harder than anybody
else in this business.
385
00:17:38,756 --> 00:17:40,257
Weâ"
386
00:17:40,291 --> 00:17:42,559
they... create characters
387
00:17:42,594 --> 00:17:46,932
that people take into their
hearts for decades.
388
00:17:46,933 --> 00:17:49,433
Now, you are nothing but
a theatrical snob,
389
00:17:49,467 --> 00:17:51,902
and I do not care
to be in your play.
390
00:17:51,936 --> 00:17:54,538
But you would be
so perfect with our Hoke.
391
00:17:54,572 --> 00:17:57,007
What am I gonna tell
Tito Jackson?
392
00:17:58,842 --> 00:18:00,910
I want you to get
out of my house.
393
00:18:00,944 --> 00:18:03,779
I will not be your Daisy
or your girlfriend.
394
00:18:03,813 --> 00:18:05,814
But...I-I think
you're amazing
395
00:18:05,849 --> 00:18:08,884
and talented,
and I'm confused.
396
00:18:08,918 --> 00:18:11,620
Why would you care so much
what I think of Victoria Chase?
397
00:18:11,654 --> 00:18:13,423
Because...
398
00:18:13,957 --> 00:18:17,327
I am Victoria Chase,
you idiot!
399
00:18:21,901 --> 00:18:24,035
You know, I've always
been afraid of getting old.
400
00:18:24,069 --> 00:18:25,669
But I don't know,
401
00:18:25,670 --> 00:18:28,973
after walking a mile
in Elka's naturalizers,
402
00:18:30,007 --> 00:18:31,843
I feel a little less scared.
403
00:18:33,377 --> 00:18:35,445
You don't give a damn
what people think
404
00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:37,214
and, you know, it's freeing.
405
00:18:37,248 --> 00:18:39,082
There's something
kind of wonderful
406
00:18:39,117 --> 00:18:40,785
about accepting
the age you are
407
00:18:40,819 --> 00:18:42,820
and not fighting it
all the time.
408
00:18:42,854 --> 00:18:44,422
That does sound nice.
409
00:18:44,456 --> 00:18:46,323
Maybe that's what
I should do.
410
00:18:46,358 --> 00:18:48,593
I keep feeling this pressure
that if I want to get pregnant,
411
00:18:48,627 --> 00:18:50,461
it has to be right away.
412
00:18:50,495 --> 00:18:53,264
But there's other ways
I can have a child in my life.
413
00:18:53,298 --> 00:18:55,867
I think I'm gonna
relax about it...
414
00:18:55,901 --> 00:18:58,403
Maybe go back to trying
to find the right guy.
415
00:18:58,437 --> 00:19:00,338
Well, there's no rush
for that either,
416
00:19:00,373 --> 00:19:03,808
you know, as long as those
wrinkle chasers are around.
417
00:19:03,843 --> 00:19:05,477
I don't know whether to be
happy they exist
418
00:19:05,511 --> 00:19:06,845
or totally grossed out.
419
00:19:06,879 --> 00:19:08,613
Well, if can imagine
anything sexually,
420
00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:10,482
somebody's into it.
421
00:19:10,516 --> 00:19:12,651
Who can really judge?
422
00:19:14,420 --> 00:19:15,920
I had sex with Rick.
423
00:19:15,955 --> 00:19:17,822
I'll tell you
who can judgeâ"I can.
424
00:19:17,857 --> 00:19:21,159
Are you insane?
How could this even happen?
425
00:19:21,193 --> 00:19:23,028
It's a very heart-warming
story.
426
00:19:23,062 --> 00:19:25,063
It turns out he's
the number one sperm donor
427
00:19:25,097 --> 00:19:27,499
at the fertility clinic
I went to.
428
00:19:27,533 --> 00:19:30,202
Hmm. And how do you get
that distinction?
429
00:19:30,236 --> 00:19:31,503
Same way you get
to Carnegie Hallâ"
430
00:19:31,537 --> 00:19:34,806
Practice, practice,
practice.
431
00:19:36,909 --> 00:19:37,976
Ladies...
432
00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:40,612
Rick, we said 300 feet.
433
00:19:40,646 --> 00:19:43,181
I've only come over
to invite any and all of you
434
00:19:43,215 --> 00:19:45,516
to a homemade pizza dinner.
435
00:19:45,551 --> 00:19:47,885
I will be kneading the dough
myself...
436
00:19:47,919 --> 00:19:51,322
With slow,
steady pressure.
437
00:19:51,356 --> 00:19:53,524
Ooh.
438
00:19:55,427 --> 00:19:57,294
We don't want you!
439
00:19:57,329 --> 00:19:59,263
Or your gifted hands.
440
00:19:59,297 --> 00:20:02,132
I believe the lady
is asking you to leave.
441
00:20:02,166 --> 00:20:03,800
You seem rather tense.
442
00:20:03,835 --> 00:20:05,802
Yes, well,
I've had a tough day.
443
00:20:05,837 --> 00:20:07,337
Perhaps I can be
of assistance.
444
00:20:07,372 --> 00:20:08,538
Oh, don't even try itâ"
445
00:20:08,573 --> 00:20:10,540
Oh, God!
446
00:20:10,575 --> 00:20:15,078
Oh...Oh...
Oh, oh, oh...don't stop.
447
00:20:17,448 --> 00:20:18,848
Sorry about that.
448
00:20:24,788 --> 00:20:27,856
- Here you go, handsome.
- Thank you, mister.
449
00:20:27,891 --> 00:20:30,592
Ladies.
450
00:20:36,299 --> 00:20:39,101
Yep. They're all over town.
451
00:20:39,102 --> 00:20:49,101
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
452
00:20:49,151 --> 00:20:53,701
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