All language subtitles for Hot in Cleveland s02e05 I Love Lucci, Part 1.eng

Hot in Cleveland is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

Hey, nobody touches
the reservation list

but the Maitre d'.

But this is my first trip
to L.A.,

and this is Robert Redford's
favorite restaurant.

And you want him to sign
your autograph book?

That would be my second choice.

Sorry, I could lose my job.

Just a quick peek.
Please?

Aw...

The best way to get over a
divorce is to move to Cleveland.

- So all your tweets are true?
- Yes!

Men whistle, they hold
your door open for you,

they buy you drinks,
and not just after last call.

Sometimes during the day,
in natural light.

No, it's true.
Living in Iowa...

- Ohio.
- Whatever.

It's completely freeing.

I mean, you don't have to
obsess about your looks

or how famous you are,

or starve yourself into a size zero.

You still do all those things.

Well, yes, but I don't have to.

Except for this week.

She hasn't had food for five days,

just for one scene in All My Children.

It's not just a scene.
It's a death scene.

A.K.A., Emmy magnet.

I'm gonna be seductively splayed
at the bottom of a staircase,

wearing none but a tiny bra
and panties,

making a moving, heartfelt speech

about the futility of female rivalry.

Oh, no,

is Susan Lucci in the scene with you?

- Yes, but that second-rate
little sock puppet

barely gets a word in edgewise.

Well, you've gotta eat something.

At least try these
fetal carrots in fennel.

Mm. Mm...

Just chew them up
and spit them out again.

- That's disgusting.
- Why would you do that?

Don't tell me people are
still swallowing in Cleveland.

So what else is everyone doing here?

Stem cell face lifts.

But the wait list is brutal.

I'll be 60 by the time I look 30.

And tomorrow,
I'm seeing an iridologist.

He looks in your eyes and tells
you what's wrong with you.

My husband used to do that for free.

Can I come with you?

Joy, you have to be on set

to do my hair and makeup.

Are you going to the set too?

No, no.
I'm meeting the couple

that are buying my house
tomorrow. Cha-ching!

Well, if it isn't
our own little stalker.

Has Redford filed a restraining order

against you yet?

No, but he's having lunch
here tomorrow.

And we are too!

Elka, it takes weeks
to get a reservation here.

Well, maybe for L.A. grannies

who nip-tuck
to make dimples.

Check this out.

Oh...

I've never seen natural aging before.

Watch me get that old fart
with Ally McBeal

to give me his dessert.

I love how you always
see movie stars in L.A.

I love how that handsome guy
is checking us out.

Oh...
Yeah, you know what,

maybe we romanticize Cleveland
a little bit too much.

- Or no.
- On the other hand...

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[sniffing]

Quit huffing my strawberries.

There's a whole bowl right there.

No, not a morsel for me.

Not until after my big scene.

Excuse me.
I'm sorry.

I don't believe it.
That's La Perla guy!

La Perla guy?

You mean the guy
who humped and dumped you

- before we moved to Cleveland?
- Yes.

I bought $600 worth of lingerie

for that one-night wonder,

and he doesn't even remember me.

Joy, that is Michael Knight.

He's one of the stars of this show.

How could you not know that?

Well, he said he was
on some soap opera,

and I just pretended I'd seen it,

like I always do with you.

We were supposed to go to
Santa Barbara for my birthday,

and he stood me up.

He never came, never called.

I am so gonna rip him a new one.

Don't you dare make a scene
until after my scene!

Oh, excuse me, sir.

Victoria...
I thought you were a man!

Ah, Susan, I barely
noticed you down there.

- Mwah.
- Mwah.

Susan, this is joy,
my personal stylist.

Joy, this is Susan Lucci.

Susan's an actress too.

My God, you're gorgeous.

Oh, thank you.
You're so sweet.

Were you eating the
strawberries with your fingers?

I'm sorry.
Was I sticky?

Wet wipe!

I am very allergic.

I swell up out of all proportion.

Speaking of which,

you should probably avoid the bagels.

Actually, I'm doing a cleansing fast.

Wardrobe has me
in the tiniest silk panties.

Oh, don't worry, I've been
speaking to the producers,

and they've changed your wardrobe.

What?

What... what do you mean?

Well, as they explained it to me,

for such a distinguished
Emmy winner, such as yourself,

to join us for a
one-time-only guest shot,

it's probably humiliating enough.

And it's such a touching scene.

Exposing all that aging flesh
would just cheapen it.

Or cause an unintentional laugh.

I see. How very considerate
of them.

Well, I'm sure you want to
run down to hair and makeup

before the camera rehearsal.

I've already done her hair and makeup.

Full body makeup.

Well, as I've said,
they've changed your scene,

just a skosh.

[Breathing heavily]

If she were any more of a bitch,

she'd have puppies.

Didn't you hear me
out in the car honking?

We're doing lunch with Robert Redford.

No, not yet.

The couple buying the house
also want to buy my furniture.

I'm having a hard time
deciding what to sell.

- Fine, I'll drive myself.
- No.

You lost your L.A.
driving privileges

when you flipped off Tom Hanks.

Forrest Gump drives like a soccer mom.

I used to be a soccer mom.

And a brownie leader.

In fact Jenna's troop used to meet

right around this table.

Jenna sat here.
Ashley over there.

Britney B, Britney L,
Britney R.

Oh, Britney L,
she moved away to Reseda.

We promised we'd keep in touch,

but, well, you know...
Reseda.

I mean, I know that I don't need
anything in this house anymore,

but just everything
has a memory to it.

Oh, sweetheart...

I have memories of this place too.

This spot right here...

This is where I was when
I got bored with your story.

How can I possibly deliver
a dying speech

from a hospital bed?

Those words were written
for a bra and panties.

It's still a great speech.

You rehearsed it at home
fully dressed,

and that last line
made me cry every time.

You mean the one where
I dramatically toss my hair?

Maybe this could work
to your advantage.

Award voters love it when
actresses are brave enough

- to look hideous.
- I'm hideous??

Yes. Good hideous.

You know, like Charlize Theron
in Monster.

Oh, you're right.

The judges love it
when beautiful people suffer.

But I didn't starve myself
for nothing.

Help me loosen these blankets.

At least I can show a little leg

where they attached the catheter.

Victoria, I thought we
should go over the new pages

- before we shoot.
- New pages?

- You didn't change my speech?
- Just a pinch.

Oh, and the writers just felt
it made more sense

coming from me.

You conniving little tea cup poodle!

You planned this all along.

Oh, come on, Victoria.

Just pretend it's a
special episode of

"The Bald and The Beautiful."

Laugh!
[Laughter]

I know you can't speak, but I...

I pray that you can hear me.

Mmmm...

Seeing you in this miserable state,

I can't help but feel
partly responsible.

Mm-hmm.

If only I'd been there to warn you

that Liza has sabotaged the stairway.

I forgive you.

Cut! She's talking again.

You know, I was just thinking

how much the viewers would love it

if I suddenly woke up right in
the middle of Susan's speech.

You know, if Victoria's
not happy with her part,

we could just send her home

and slap some lipstick on a coconut.

No one would know the difference.

I think people would
know the difference

between me and a coconut.

Oh. We could age
the coconut.

I know you... can't speak...

But I... but I pray
that you can hear me.

Mmmm...

Rest, dear friend.

If only I had been there to warn you

that Liza had sabotaged the stairway.

[Indistinct mumble]

Why did we always let petty jealousy

blind us to what's really important?

Love...
[Muted mumble]

Compassion...
[Muted mumble]

Friendship.
Ow!

She bit me!

The Maitre d' said his assistant

just called and cancelled.

We do not know where
Mr. Redford is eating now.

Well, you better find out.

Unless you want me to go all
Charlie Sheen on this dump.

All right, all right,

I may have heard something about him

being on Jimmy Kimmel tonight.

Let's roll.

Elka, Elka...

I can't drive you to Kimmel.

I'm meeting the couple
that are buying my house.

Fine!

I'll get Die Hard
over there to take me.

Hey, baldy, wait up.

"It wasn't me
you pulled from the wreckage.

"It was my twin brother Alex.

"He we impersonating me to get control

"of Chandler Enterprises."

"Then it was Alex's ashes
I scattered at sea."

Excuse me.

- Oh, crap!
- What?

It's a blast from my past.

Excuse me.

You obviously don't remember me,

so let me reintroduce myself.

I'm the woman who's about
to rip the blue

right out of your eyes.

Slow down. You're right,
I don't remember you.

Which is odd because
gorgeous, crazy women

are usually so hard to forget.

Crazy was falling
for your line at Sky Bar

instead of tasering you
in your Jackson Pollocks!

Bollocks!
It's rhyming slang.

I'm English.
We talked about this!

- Did you say Sky Bar?
- Uh-huh.

God, I can't believe
he's doing it again.

Look, miss, this is gonna
sound a little nutsy,

but it wasn't me you met.
It was my brother.

- Brother?
- My twin brother... Alex.

Oh, please.

You seriously expect me to believe

you have an evil twin?

It's true.

Sometimes I can't even tell 'em apart.

You see, Alex is jealous of my fame,

so he uses my name
to... pick up models.

Oh, come on!

I mean... I hardly look
like a model.

Well, I just assumed.

And you know what the worst part is?

Alex is obviously out there somewhere

picking up women
I'd be too intimidated

to even talk to.

Well, I think you're being
a little hard on yourself.

Joy. Joy, code blue.
I need you.

Oh, I have to go.

But maybe we can talk some more later?

You can count on it.

You really should teach.

Why are you still dressed like that?

Oh, Lucci keeps ruining our scene,

so we're re-shooting
after lunch.

Which means that we only have an hour

to create a devious retaliation plan,

so brilliantly convoluted

they can never trace it back to me.

Or me.

That's gonna rule out a lot of plans.

Come on.

Uh, excuse me,

where does Mr. Kimmel
keep his guest stars?

Oh, I'm sorry, you're not
allowed to be back here.

Pretty please?

Aw...

The green room is
right around the corner.

Thank you.
Bring me a diet coke. No ice.

And if some rum
found its way in there,

that'd be okay.

And here we are,
back in the kitchen again.

Oh, we love it!

We cannot wait to move in.

I just love all these little details.

But like I said earlier,

I can't really part
with any of this stuff either.

Oh, the real estate agent
said you wanted to sell

the contents of the house.

Well, sure, when you say "contents,"

I want to sell 'em.

But when it comes down
to the actual things...

like the drapes that
my son Will... always hid behind

whenever we played hide and seek,

and I used to have to pretend

that I didn't see his little toes

peeking out from under.

Not for sale.

Wow, it's nice you have
so many happy memories here.

We thought you were selling the house

because you got a divorce.

- Steve!
- No, no.

It's okay, it's okay.

Most of my happy memories are
between me and my kids.

My husband was rarely home.

Yeah, I know what that's like.

Honey, I have to work.

I work too.

Well, you know, we had other problems.

But actually, I used to love
my alone time.

I could read a book,
relax, have a glass of wine.

This little baby
chills 20 bottles at once!

Well, good, 'cause this little baby

can really knock 'em back.

Well, it does help kill the time

when I'm home alone
with nothing to do.

Well, you know what,
you'll have plenty to do

when you have kids.

This house was made for kids.

Oh, we're not having children.

Well, never say never.

I thought we agreed.

No, no, no.
You and your therapist agreed.

I just stopped arguing.

Hey, you know what everyone
can agree on?

Trash compactors.

Who doesn't want smaller trash?

I can't believe you're
still thinking about kids.

Why do you think I wanted
a house with so many rooms?

So we wouldn't be
on top of each other.

I didn't realize that
me being on top of you

was such a drag.

It is if you're only there
to make babies.

You know what's really fun to make?

Microwave popcorn.

Especially for family movie night.

Or not family.

It could be couple movie night.

You know, even better.

Well, you know, when you're home.

Although movies are also
a lot of fun alone.

Especially 'cause you like to drink.

Thanks. But you know,

you have really opened my eyes.

Turns out we won't be
needing the house after all.

There you go again,
speaking for the both of us.

Yeah, she's probably right.

We're not gonna need the house.

I really think this is a bad idea.

Yeah, well, you're not here to think.

You're here to be my lookout.
Strawberry.

You don't know how allergic she is.

What if this kills her?

Stop saying things I want to hear.

Once she dabs her eyes with this,

she'll really have something
to cry about.

Someone's coming.

Hide!

I don't hear anything.

Maybe they went the other way.

You take a peek.

- what's wrong?
- We're locked in.

Well, we've got a great show
for you tonight.

George Clooney will be here tonight.

[Cheers and applause]

He, um...

He had nowhere else to go,
so he decided to come here.

And...

I didn't think
it was that funny, but, um...

We also, tonight,
will have a performance...

- Hello.
- Where's Robert Redford??

I don't know where Robert Redford is.

Who are you?

Elka Ostrovsky.

I was told Robert Redford
was a guest tonight.

I should probably point out
that this is not a bit.

This is a strange woman that has

wandered up onto the stage.

Thank you for providing
security, Guillermo.

Where are you from, he says,
hoping you're not armed.

I'm from Cleveland, Ohio, the
greatest city in the world.

[Small applause]
Oh. All right.

I said the greatest city in the world!

[Enthusiastic applause]

That's, um...

Well, you know, I'd love
to chat more, Elka, but...

well, then, I gotta sit down.

Uh, yeah, that seat is
actually reserved

for George Clooney.

Oh, there's room for two.

All right, that's fine, then.

I guess there is room for two.

Seriously, though, I mean...

You know George Clooney's
in the green room, right?

You're okay with
Cleveland granny being here?

[Cheers and applause]
All right.

So did Robert Redford
ever sit in this chair?

As a matter of fact, yes, he did.

Give me a minute.

How was it?
[Chuckles]

It was fine for me.
[Laughter]

Pretty good
for the chair too, I think.

Young man.

Could you get a close-up
of this?

Audience: Aww...

If anyone out there knows
where Robert Redford is,

my cell phone number is 216...

hey, we're gonna be right back!

[Cheers and applause]

This is a nightmare.

Let's just bang on the door.

Someone will hear us and let us out.

Are you crazy?

If they find us in here,
they'll know you were the one

- who poisoned Susan's kleenex.
- It was you!

Now isn't the time
for finger pointing.

I know, I'll boost you over
the top of that wall.

Oh, fine, you can give me a boost.

Okay, Susan, I just
need some reaction shots

to intercut with the dream sequence.

Right.

You're remembering the plane crash.

You're lying in the wreckage.

A dim figure hovers above you.

You wake up horrified.

Aah!

Oh, Elka, I think I blew the sale!

Who cares!

I found out where Robert Redford is.

Hide me. I think I killed
Susan Lucci.

Oh, my God!
Where's joy?

Would somebody please let me out!

Oh, it's you.

[Music fades in]

And there's music.

Yeah, they're rehearsing
music cues next door.

You know, it kind of makes me want to

sweep you off your feet

and carry you up to my dressing room.

Well... if that's what
the scene calls for.

[Suspenseful music tones]

That didn't sound right.

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