All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes s02e08 A Klink, a Bomb and a Short Fuse.eng

ANNOUNCER:
CBS presents this program in color.

( theme song playing )

( prisoners murmuring )

( camera clicking )

( clicks )

KLINK:
Hold it!

Hold it! Nobody move!

Attention!

Good morning, Commandant.

How's tricks?

"Tricks" is right.

Somebody took
a code book from my office,

and I want it
back at once.

At once!

At once!

I don't blame you
for being upset,

but why blame us

if your new code book
is missing?

Ha! How did you know

it was a new code book?

You wouldn't be so upset
if it was an old code book.

Now, be honest, would you?

I suppose not.

Schultz, search the men!

Jawohl,
Herr Kommandant. Wait a minute.

I want to go on record

as protesting this search,

a violation
of the Geneva Convention.

Your protest has been
duly noted and rejected.

Go ahead, Schultz.

I would also like to point out

you interrupted me.

I was just reading to the men
from this book,

Mein Kampf,
by Adolph...

Hitler.

Oh, go on, Colonel Hogan.

You stopped at the most
interesting part.

Yeah.
Tell us what happens

after he says he's gonna
conquer the world.

Boy, I can't wait
to see how it ends.

See how anxious they are?

Would you care to read a couple
of chapters to them, sir?

Some other time.

Schultz,
I gave you an order.

Search the men!

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Schultz,
don't tickle. Shh!

KLINK:
Wait a minute.

That one over there,
he was in my office.

Step forward.

Oh, oh, no, sir,
please, please.

That tickles.

Never mind! Step back.

Schultz, search them all.

One of them has it.

Jawohl.

Ah, General Burkhalter, what a
pleasure to see you again, sir.

Klink, I can get
out by myself.

Of course you can, General.

I never doubted that for one
minute, not for one minute, sir.

And, oh, how is
your dear wife,

the charming and
delightful Frau General?

In the first place, my wife is
neither delightful or charming.

In the second place,
this isn't a social visit,

it's official.

It's official.
Yes, sir, it is official.

What are you doing?

The code book.

Isn't that the new code book,
Series G, Klink?

Yes, sir, it is.

Well!

You know
the regulations.

This code book is not supposed
to leave your office.

It didn't, sir.

No, what I mean is,

I don't know how it
got into my hands.

I'll talk to you
in your office.

Yes, sir.

Colonel Klink?

Yes, what is it?

Aren't you forgetting
the apology you owe us, sir?

What apology?

Uh, for saying
they stole it.

I don't know
what apology!

Nobody contradicts
Colonel Klink!

Around here I'm
the supreme authority.

Nobody tells me what to do.

BURKHALTER:
Klink!

Yes, sir, General,
I'm coming.

( telegraph pulsing )

Kinch, have you reached
headquarters yet?

No, not yet,

but I should pick them up
any minute.

When you do reach
headquarters

tell them about
the new code book.

Tell them we photographed it
and we'll start transmitting it.

Carter?

How long
to develop that film?

About an hour, Colonel.
I'll start on it right away.

Oh, you know,
just to make sure,

I took two pictures of every
page using a different exposure.

You know,
because after all,

with something
as important as...

Oh, no.

What's the matter,
Carter?

Don't you
feel well?

I may faint.

Why, what happened?

No film
in the camera?

I forgot
to put it in.

Boy, you can always depend
on me to foul things up.

You'd be better off
without me.

I-I'm no good.
I'm stupid.

Why don't you
get rid of me?

Because I can't spare
a good man like you.

( telegraph pulsing )

A good man?
I ought to be court-martialed.

Don't tempt me.

KINCH:
I've got headquarters, Colonel.

What should I tell them?

Just what I told you,

except there'll be
a slight delay

in getting it to them.

Right.
Colonel?

How are we going to get

another crack at that code book?

Yeah, you can bet
that Klink will

keep it in the safe
from now on.

Edison once said
that genius was

one-tenth inspiration,
nine-tenths perspiration.

Well, that's great,

if you're inventing
the electric light,

but what's that got
to do with the code book?

We'll supply
the inspiration,

let Klink supply
the perspiration.

Klink, we've had some
disturbing reports recently.

Yes, Herr General.

I understand that things have
not been going too well

at the Russian front.

But the Fuhrer will
think of something.

He always does.

I'm not talking about
the Russian front.

I mean right here
in this camp.

Here in my camp?

It may not be your camp
much longer.

( laughing )

General Burkhalter,
please, don't joke

about a thing like that.

I never joke.

Our monitors have been
picking up

Allied broadcasts,
originating from Germany.

Oh, that's an outrage!

Now those men should be caught
and put into a prison camp.

We think they already are
in a prison camp-- this one.

Here?

That is absurd and ridiculous.

It is totally
and completely impossible.

What?!

I mean it isn't very likely.

How could anyone run a radio
right under my nose?

It would be
the most obvious place.

Naturally, if such a radio
is found here in camp,

operated by prisoners,

it would be very
unpleasant for you.

You mean they might take my
command away from me?

I said unpleasant,
not inconvenient.

( makes screeching noise )

( gulps )
Sergeant?

What is that machine?

An electronic marvel.

A new signal-finding device
working on a single beam.

Start it.

( mechanical whirring )

It looks very efficient.

But machines do make mistakes.

Not this machine.

It has been tested
under all conditions.

It picks up all
electrical energy. ( beeping )

Is it trying to tell us
something?

It's not warmed up yet.

( beeping grows louder )

Now it's trying
to tell us something.

It's picking up
a signal.

Someone is broadcasting.

( beeping loudly )

That's the front gate,
no radio there.

( loud beeping )

Solitary confinement barracks,
well, there's nothing there.

( loud beeping )

Colonel Hogan's barracks,
nothing.

That's it!

( shudders )
That's where

the signal is
coming from.

What's in that direction?

Nothing, nothing at all,
Herr General.

Just some barracks,
that's all.

Excuse me, sir.

BURKHALTER:
Check it again.

Schultz!

Get over to Colonel Hogan
immediately

and tell him to get rid

of that radio transmitter
right away. If he has one.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant,

to get rid of the radio
transmitter right away.

But Herr Kommandant,
what if he hasn't got one?

Oh, I know, I know.

Tell him to get one
right away.

Schultz, with
my bare hands...

I'm going, Herr Kommandant,
I'm going.

( grunts )

( mutters )

( mutters )

( beeping )

Boy, if I had just put
film in that camera. What a stupid...

Why don't you escape?

Hear, hear.

Hi, Schultz.

What's the matter,
Schultzie? ( panting )

Take it easy. Sit down.
Sit down. What's wrong?

You all right?
( panting )

You've got a message.

( mutters )
For me.

You're in trouble.

We're in trouble.

What kind of trouble?

Toothache.

You're opening two safes.

You don't want
to hear anymore.

NEWKIRK:
Colonel.

( beeping )

Some kind of
directional beam.

( telegraph pulsing )

( pulsing stops )

Radio!

What radio?

We haven't got a radio.

( beeping )

( rapid beeping )

Well, there's
nothing here.

No use wasting
our time.

Colonel Hogan, stand aside.

That footlocker contains private
property.

He's just protecting
his privacy, sir.

For the last time, get away
from that footlocker.

Okay, but under protest.

Klink, open the footlocker.

Yes, sir.

( beeping )

( bubbling )

Ah, you see, I told you so.
No radio, no radio.

( bubbling stops )

( beeping slows )

Care for a cup of coffee?
It's the real stuff.

Perhaps a small cup.
It has been a long time since...

Schultz!

Now you know the rules

about cooking in the barracks.

There will be severe
punishment for this.

Yes, sir, I don't stand
for any monkeyshines.

Klink, will you shut up?

Yes, sir, I certainly will.

Oh, shut up. Yes, sir.

I cannot understand it.

I was sure it was a radio signal
we were picking up.

It never failed before.

Oh, sir, I wouldn't call
that a failure.

It's a marvelous machine for
tracking down coffee pots.

Phew, that was a close one.

I thought they had us.

They do have us.

We don't have
the new code to send.

Even if we did,
we wouldn't be able to send it

with that signal beam
just waiting for us

to start using the radio.

Hey, what's
going on?

They've got a
directional finder

that spotted
our radio.

We seem to have
a couple of sticky wickets.

Let's take care of one
sticky wicket at a time.

First wicket is how do we lay
our hands on that code?

NEWKIRK:
There's nothing to it.

We just walk into old Klink's
office with a camera

and we say, uh...

( with upper-crust accent ):
"Look, here, Klink, old boy,

"trot out that code book

"so we can take some snapshots
of the ruddy thing.

There's a good chap."

What's the matter, Colonel?

Newkirk, you just came up
with a great idea.

Thanks a million.

Carter, come with me.

Let's look at your cameras.

We need something special.

LeBeau?

What?

What was that great
idea I just had?

I don't know,
what did you say?

I don't know,
I wasn't listening.

Kinch, what did I say?

( with British accent ):
"Look, here, Klink, old boy,

"trot that code book
out of the safe

"so we can take a few snapshots

of the ruddy thing,
there's a good chap."

Oh, well,
it's obvious, isn't it?

What's obvious?

Colonel Hogan,
he's around the bend.

He's crackers.

See what Klink's doing.

It's all right, he's occupied.

Nylons. Danke, Colonel.

Get General Burkhalter on
the phone, official business.

General Burkhalter,
please.

It's an official call.

What's the telephoto lens
set for?

About six feet.

Good.

( German accent ):
General Burkhalter?

This is Ludwig Linkmeyer.

Maybe you remember me?

The sausage maker
in the village.

A code book?

No, I did not lose one.

But I know the Dummkopf
who did lose it.

Bring it to me right away.

Ja, Heil Hitler.

That should start
the wheels to rolling.

( telephone rings )

Commandant Klink speaking.

Oh, yes, General Burkhalter,

it's always
a great pleasure to...

Code book?

Of course, sir.

I never let it out of my office.

No, sir,
I'm not contradicting you,

it's in my safe.

Yes, sir, I'll look,
but I can assure you that I...

Yes, sir, right away.

( sighs )

Yes, Herr General.

I have it right here in my hand,
Code Book G.

I think, sir... ( chuckles )

that someone
is playing a joke on you.

( chuckling )

No, sir, I'm not laughing.

I'm just clearing my throat.

Yes, sir.

I'll have him arrested
right away.

Oh? Yes.

"Ludwig Linkmeyer...

sausage maker."

Yes, sir.

Heil Hitler.

Newkirk?

( bulbs crashing )

Colonel Klink?!

Colonel, where are you?

What was that noise?

One of the boys
dropped a flash bulb.

Did it startle you?

Of course not!

I was just looking
for my pen.

What are you doing here?

What's that camera for?

Colonel, I don't know
whether you're aware

of how the men in this camp
feel about you.

So what? I feel
the same way about them.

They know that.

That's why you're so popular
and respected.

I am?

And how.

They know your job
isn't an easy one,

and they-they admire your
fairness.

Well, I... I always
try to do my best.

You're right, Colonel Hogan,
this is not an easy job.

Well, now, the men,
they like me, do they?

They even have a pet
name for you, sir,

just among themselves.

Oh, they do? What is it?

They call you Klink the Fink.

Fink? What's that?

It's short for "Firm, Impartial
Nazi Kommandant." Fink.

Oh, that's very nice of them.

Klink the Fink.

Ooh, it has a nice sound to it.

Wait until I tell them
about this

at the officers club.

Yeah, yeah, well,
anyway, you see,

the fellows would like some
pictures of you, you know.

Oh?
To hang in their lockers, send home with their letters.

Would you mind
posing for them?

Oh, no, not at all.

Oh, good.
How about this?

Uh, uh...

no, the background's wrong,
background's wrong.

Um...

Yeah, that's more typical.

Why don't you sit in the chair?

That's a typical pose.

That's-that's the way
the men would want to remember you...

All right,

all right.

HOGAN:
Yeah, that's good, that's good.

Let's do an action one,
signing something at the desk.

KLINK:
All right. Yeah.

( chuckles ):
Klink the Fink.

Now here's a good
character pose.

Ah... more this way, sir.
Face this way.

Yeah, with a hint
of a smile.

Mona Lisa like.

Ah, yeah, yeah,
that's good.

How's that for you,
Carter?

That's perfect.

Now a big smile, huh?

Oh, come on, bigger.

Say "cheese."

Cheese?

Forget it.

Now one for the ladies.
Maybe a profile, huh?

Uh-huh, uh-huh...
Oh! This way, this way.

We want to get
your best side.

Oh, yes.
All right now...

How's it going, Carter?
Fine, Colonel.

Have it for you
in a few seconds,

all sharp and clear.

( explosions )

Hey, it's getting pretty close.

I hope our flyers
know we're here.

It's the railroad outside
of camp they're after.

Well, as long as
they know it's outside the camp.

Yeah.

( explosions )

Thanks, Carter.

Hey, great work.

Thanks.

Now the problem is how
to get this to our people.

Every time
I turn on this radio,

out comes that little guy

with his directional
finder beeper.

( explosion )

Phew! There's
another close one.

It's a good thing
they're not aiming at us.

( explosions )

Carter, how long would it
take you to make a bomb?

Well, gee,
I don't know.

I'd have to fix up
some kind of explosive.

I don't mean a real bomb.

I mean one that
looks like a bomb,

ticks like a bomb,

but doesn't go off
like a bomb.

What do you mean
by that, Colonel? Look...

if your toe is aching
and somebody hits you on the head with a hammer,

you'd soon forget about
your toe, wouldn't you?

Right.

What's that got
to do with bombs?

Don't you get it?

We plant a phony bomb
in the prison yard.

When they hear it ticking,

they'll think
it's a real one.

And they'll be so busy
with the fake,

they won't have time to monitor
our radio broadcast, right?

Right.

It's a marvelous
idea, Newkirk.

You've done it again.

Hey, looks like a bomb,
doesn't it?

It is a bomb.

One of yours.

Oh, come on, Colonel.

I wouldn't leave
a bomb lying around.

You know the rules
about littering.

One of your planes
dropped it

in last night's raid.

It's a new type.

I never saw one
like it before.

It's a good
thing it's a dud, Herr General.

A dud?

( begins ticking )

It's alive!

Do something!

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

( continues ticking )

Do what?

I think it calls for
a bomb disposal expert.

It will take hours
to get a man here.

Maybe it will stop
ticking by itself.

Mm-hmm, and when it stops
ticking, brroom!

Ah! Don't do that!

Hogan, you've got
to disarm that bomb.

Me, why me?

It's your duty...

to the Fuhrer

and it's your duty
to the Third Reich.

Hogan, I am not asking you;
I am ordering you to.

No.

Klink, you're an idiot.

Colonel Hogan, what do you want?

Diffuse that bomb

and you can have
anything you ask for.

Well, let's see.

A movie every week for the men?

No!

Agreed.

Ice cream every Sunday.

No!
Agreed. Agreed.

From now on, the men fall out
one hour later every morning.

Agreed.
Agreed. Agreed.

You got yourself a deal.

Where's Colonel Hogan?

Schultz came and got him
a little while ago.

What's up?

Part of the tunnel
collapsed.

Carter's trapped
down there.

He was just coming up
with the phony bomb.

Carter's in the tunnel
with a bomb? Yeah.

Well, what's that bomb
in the yard?

Bomb?

That's a real one.

Come on, let's dig
Carter out.

Schultz, help Colonel Hogan
with the bomb!

Me?
Colonel Klink!

I'm going to need
your help, too.

( ticking continues )

Me?

I don't know
anything about bombs.

You'll never get
a better chance to learn.

Help him, Klink,
that's an order.

I wonder how this
thing is put together.

Don't you know?

( tings )

( clack )
Ah!

Please, Colonel Hogan,
don't do that!

It'd be a good idea
if we get everybody

as far away from this bomb
as possible.

That makes a lot of sense.

Not you, Klink.

Boy, I didn't know
it was that late.

I have an appointment in town.

Are you going, sir?

You don't need me.

I think you three
can handle it very well.

BURKHALTER:
Sergeant!

Colonel Klink,
I want you to know,

no matter what happens,

it's been
a privilege knowing you.

In the time I've
been here in camp...

Never mind that,
Hogan!

Just stop that bomb
from ticking.

( ticking continues )

Screwdriver.

Chisel.

Pliers.

( ticking continues )

( ticking )

Beautiful, beautiful.

Carter Manufacturing Company
has outdone themselves.

They make these bombs,
you know.

Are you sure you know
what you're doing?

No.

You like to try it?

Please, Herr Kommandant,
don't make him nervous.

( shudders )

Here.

Hold that, hold that.

Now don't let the ends touch,

otherwise you'll
short-circuit the bomb.

And then boom!

Dummkopf, don't touch me!

Do you want me to explode?

( ticking continues )

Colonel Hogan,
can I speak to you a minute?

He's busy.

Never too busy
to talk to my men.

Here.

Hold that.

Hi, Kinch.

We've got this bomb
here we're disarming.

A real live one.

That's exactly
what you've got.

A real, live bomb.

We had a cave-in,
and Carter's trapped

in the tunnel
with the fake one.

That's a real, live bomb?

You mean I've been fooling
around with a live bomb?

Let's get out of here.
No, wait.

The only trouble is,

the part of the tunnel
that Carter's in

is right under this bomb.

Well, get him
out of there.

We've been digging,
but he won't leave,

not until he finishes
sending the new code

on the radio.

Oh, boy.

I'll tell you one thing,

you've just taken all
the fun out of this job.

( ticking continues )

( ticking )

Is that the fuse?

Uh-huh.

Thank you, Schultz.

Wire cutters.

What are you
waiting for?

Cut the wire.

That's the problem.

One of these wires
disconnects the fuse.

The other one fires the bomb.

( sighs )

Which one would you cut,
Schultz?

Don't ask me.

This is a decision
for an officer.

All right.

Which wire, Colonel Klink?

( ticking continues )

This one.

You're sure?

Yes.

( ticking )

( ticking stops )

( sighs )

If you knew which wire it was,
why did you ask me?

I wasn't sure
which was the right one.

But I was certain
you'd pick the wrong one.

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