All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes s01e30 Cupid Comes to Stalag 13.eng

CBS presents this program
in color.

( theme song playing )

All right.

The lights go out
in exactly 23 seconds.

Schultz, you woke me
up to tell me that?

Buzz off!

18 seconds more.

Turn out the light, Schultz.

I need the extra sleep.

SCHULTZ:
Impossible.

According to camp regulations,

the lights have
to be out in, uh...

ten seconds, nine, eight...

ALL ( whispering ):
Seven, six, five...

( grunts )

...four, three, two, one.
( laughs )

ALL ( shouting ):
Zero!

( shouts )

Get those lights out, come on!

The Commandant
can see all this

from the window,
you know, Schultz.

The Commandant!

Commandant.

Where... Where is my rifle?!

I don't know.

What do you mean
you don't know?

Where is my rifle?

Trifle?
No! Rifle!

Rifle, where is my rifle?

Who stole my ri...?

Ah, here is my rifle.

Why do you have
to have my rifle?

I don't have a teddy bear.

Oh, that's sad,

but give me
back the rifle.

Shh!
Shh!

Quiet!

Shh.
Shh.

( whispers ):
Everybody, sound asleep.

Back to bed.

Everybody sound asleep.

Shh!

Shh.

Schultz?

Can I have a drink of water?

No! Quiet!

Everybody back to bed!

All right, come on.

( 1940s instrumental
music plays )

Okay, Ferguson,
let's go.

The underground's
waiting for those maps, come on!

Gosh, I hate
to leave here.

The last four days
have been the best

I ever spent in the army.

Nothing too good
for a guest who's going

on a dangerous
mission, Captain.

All right,
now, look,

Carter will
get you to the meeting place

with the
underground.

They'll see
that you get back to England

with the
installation maps.

Okay, Colonel.

All clear, Kinch?

Uh-huh, so far.

Uh-oh!
What's the matter?

KINCH:
Our beloved Commandant is on the prowl.

HOGAN:
Can't be, should be asleep by now.

Here, hold this.

Yeah, it is Klink!

And he's heading right
for the barracks.

Down periscope!

Everybody back to bed!
Let's go, come on!

By the way, Ferguson,
if you want anything,

just ring for
room service.

Thanks, Colonel.

Hey, what's
going on here?

HOGAN:
All right, who turned on the lights?

You guys know the rules.

We didn't do...

Oh, Commandant,
what a pleasure.

I couldn't sleep.

I want to talk
to you, Hogan.

Oh, sure, uh, uh, uh, uh,
I'll, uh...

I'll drop by your office
first thing in the morning,

say, around
11:30ish.

I want to talk
to you now alone.

Uh, why don't you
step into my office?

Light, sir.

Well, Colonel,

what's up at this
hour of the night?

I mean, besides you?

Do you mind
if we have some light, Hogan?

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

Sit down.

Thank you.

Hogan, uh,

this is a painful matter
to discuss,

but it's no secret, I know.

You do?

What do you know?

That I'm a failure.

Is that all?

Is that all?

Do you think it's easy for a man
to face the fact

that he's been a failure
all his life?

No, but you've had a long time
to get used to it.

Why are you telling me
about this?

Because even though
you're a prisoner,

you're the only man
of equal rank here at this camp.

Thank you.

And also, if you repeat
this conversation,

as a prisoner,
I can have you shot.

Under those circumstances,
you can depend on me, sir.

Thank you, Colonel Hogan.

Mm-hmm. Uh, what
makes you think you're a failure?

Do you realize

that I have been a colonel
longer than any man

in my graduating class?

The rest are all generals,
field marshals...

To say nothing of Hitler,
who was a corporal.

His next promotion was head
of the army.

I am not complaining
about that promotion.

General Burkhalter
called today.

He is coming here to talk to me
about my future, he said.

Do you realize
what that means?

It means a transfer
to the Russian front.

Fine, get a chance to be a hero!

I'd rather be a live failure
than a dead hero.

Then you've got your wish.

You're a live failure.

Sorry.

How much longer you going

to keep Captain Ferguson

down in that tunnel,
sir?

We can't get him away

while Klink prowls
the grounds all night.

Yeah, and
with Klink on the prowl,

the guards are
on the alert.

What I want to know is,

how much longer is Klink going
to prowl?

As long as Klink is unhappy
and can't sleep.

We got to figure a way
to make him happy.

General Burkhalter,
I cannot tell you

what a pleasure it always is
to have you drop in for a visit.

BURKHALTER:
Sit down, Klink.

You are making
me nervous.

Oh, I wouldn't do that
for the world.

Not to you, General,
never, never.

Stop talking.

That makes me
nervous, too.

I've been giving a great deal
of thought to you, Klink,

and I must say,
I strongly disapprove of you.

Do you know what
I disapprove of?

The way you
are living.

A man
like you shouldn't live alone.

It's not good to live alone.

All right, Herr General,
I'll get a dog.

I wasn't talking about a dog.

I was talking about a wife.

All right, I'll get a...

Wife?

Naturally, I cannot order you

to do something
about your personal life.

No, no, no, no,
please, please, go ahead.

Order, order.

Marrying into the right kind
of family

can do a lot for a man's career.

You're absolutely right,
Herr General.

It can do everything.

Do you remember
Captain Haldman?

Haldman?

Oh, yes.

He was in my graduating class.

The class idiot,
we used to call him.

The idiot has just
been made general.

He married Field
Marshal Keitel's niece.

Is that so?

Oh, well, of course
when I used the word idiot,

I was merely using
a figure of speech.

What I meant to say was...
He is an idiot!

But it just shows you

what making the right kind
of marriage can do for someone.

That's all I have to say.

General Burkhalter,
I want to thank you

for bringing this
to my attention.

Not at all.

Oh, by the way...

Yes, sir?

My sister
and niece

will be visiting
with me.

I'd like you
to meet them.

Naturally, Herr General.

I would be delighted
to meet your sister and niece.

Delighted.

We got to get Ferguson
off pretty soon.

The underground says

they can only
wait two or three more days.

Well, we can't do a thing

while Klink roams
around at night

and the guards have
to be on their toes.

See you later.

Oh, Ferguson wants
some Worcestershire sauce

for his cheeseburgers.

( pronouncing ):
Woostershire.

Hi, Colonel.

General Burkhalter just
left here.

Oh. The
Russian front?

Worse, much worse.

He wants me to marry his niece.

That's bad?

Did you hear what I said?

Burkhalter's niece.

Did you ever
stop to think

she might
be a beauty?

Ha! It's more likely
she looks like Burkhalter.

Oh.

And if she isn't
something awful,

why would Burkhalter practically
blackmail me into marrying her?

She's got to be a monster.

Uh, don't do
anything hasty, sir.

Why don't you get a
good night's sleep?

Things will look
differently in the morning.

Sleep?

I won't close my eyes

all night long.

I was afraid of that.

What did Captain Ferguson order
for breakfast today?

Waffles and sausages,
and a cheese omelet,

and potato pancakes
with applesauce.

Oh, boy, that Ferguson is living
the life of Riley.

That's right.

That bloke Riley
must have some appetite.

Yeah, and the
war's going to be over

before we get
Ferguson out of here.

There's nothing we can do.

Our unhappy Commandant
was prowling the grounds

again last night.

( brakes squeaking )
Uh-oh.

KINCH:
Looks like we got company.

Good morning,
General Burkhalter.

Good morning.

Colonel Klink,
this is my niece Lottie.

How do you do?

BURKHALTER:
And this is my

sister, Mrs. Linkmyer.

How do you do?

How do you do?

Your quarters
are ready

right next to
the General

in the VIP section.

That is very kind of you,
Colonel.

I hope we don't put you
to too much trouble.

No trouble at all.

May I show you

around the camp?

The ladies just arrived, Klink.

I'm sure they would like
to freshen up.

You can show them around later.

Oh, I understand, sir.

Till we meet again.

Well, Colonel,
I must say

the niece doesn't
look a bit

like Burkhalter.

She is a goddess!

Mm-hmm.

And don't
use her name

in the same
breath with his!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Get those men
cleaned up.

It'll be
the cooler

for every man

who doesn't
sparkle and shine.

You know it's a funny
thing about Klink.

He's nasty even
when he's happy.

Yeah, but he'll sleep
tonight, sir.

You bet he will.

Let's break the bad
news to Ferguson.

Ja, and with dispatch!

Ah.

Well...

what do you think
of our Colonel Klink?

He looks like a dead fish.

I was not asking you, Lottie.

I was asking your mother.

Well, Gertrude?

I don't know.

It seems to me I should be able
to do better than a Colonel.

If I would consider marriage
at all,

why not a
lieutenant general?

I will tell you why, Gertrude.

In the first place,
you are no spring chicken!

Albert!

In the second place,
you are no great beauty.

Albert!

There are very few
unmarried men around

and quite a few widows.

I am not a widow!

My husband was reported missing
in action.

On the Russian front,

"missing in action"
makes you a widow

beyond a shadow of a doubt.

I haven't made up my mind
about Colonel Klink.

I have to know him better.

I still say
he looks like a dead fish.

You'd better be nice to him.

That dead fish
might be your father.

Ja.

And, Hogan,
I suppose you know

a good deal about,
uh...

I mean, you've had
a lot of experience...

What I mean
to say is...

You want to know if
I'm a ladies' man.

That's it exactly.

Well, I can take 'em
or leave 'em alone.

To be honest
with you,

I've taken more
than I've left alone.

That's
what I thought.

Hogan, I want to ask
some advice from you.

All right.

The most important
thing to remember

when you're
romancing a girl,

especially in
the early stages,

is the billing
and cooing,

the tender things you
whisper in her ear.

What things?

Lies.

The bigger, the better.

Colonel Hogan!

Every girl likes to look up
to the man that she loves.

To respect, admire,
idolize him.

Let's face it.

No man on his
own record

can live up
to that.

So, he's got to make up another
record,

to appear ten feet tall
to the girl he loves.

It's the name of the game.

Out of
the question.

Colonel Hogan, you Americans may
make love that way,

but we Germans, well,
we have a code of honor,

especially with women.

I will not lie.

Colonel, any man
that won't lie

to the woman
he loves

doesn't deserve
to have her.

( knocking )

Come in.

Mrs. Linkmyer!

Where's
the rest of you?

I mean,
your daughter?

The general is showing
her around the camp.

I wanted to talk
to you by myself.

Oh, yes, of course,
by all means.

Well, I'll be going.

Uh, no, no,
Hogan, wait.

You haven't
finished your filing.

Filing?

You know how I feel
about filing.

Oh, filing. Filing.

Oh, Mrs. Linkmyer,
please, sit down.

I believe that the general
talked to you

about a little matter.

Yes, he did.
He certainly did.

With his very own mouth.

So, naturally, there
are certain questions

I must ask you,
do you understand?

Oh, yes.

If I were
in your place,

I would do exactly
the same thing.

Please feel free
to ask me anything.

Do you drink or gamble?

Never! Isn't
that right, Hogan?

Oh, right, right, never.

Good.

Now, who do you think

should handle the money
in the family,

the husband
or the wife?

Who? Who?

Uh, the Commandant,

as a soldier,
feels that the wife

should handle the money.

He'll handle the war.

I've heard him say that hundreds
of times.

That's right.
That is what I said.

Very well
expressed.

I thought so myself.

Excuse me, Herr Kommandant.

You told me to tell you
as soon as they got here.

They are here!

The daughter and... the mother.

I know.

Is there anything else...

Schultz?

No, Herr Kommandant.

That's all.

Colonel Klink,
we will talk more later.

Meanwhile,

I think it's fair to tell you

that my daughter does not
like you.

She doesn't like me?

I'm sure she will come around,
but naturally,

there can be no question
of a marriage

without her approval.

Naturally.

Now, shall we join
the others?

By all means.

She doesn't like me!

Lottie does not like me.

Commandant, just
put yourself in my hands.

I'll have you
goose-stepping

to "Here Comes
the Bride"

before you know it.

Hmm.

Herr Kommandant.

Colonel Hogan,
this is hopeless.

Why should a
beautiful girl

like Lottie love
someone like me?

It won't be someone
like you she'll love.

It'll be the image we create.

I don't want her
to fall in love with an image.

I want her to
fall in love with me, Colonel Klink.

Well, that's doing it
the hard way.

Now, first thing,

I've prepared a list
of sure-fire pitches,

romantic pitches
that work every time.

Every time you get her alone,

you just throw one
of these pitches at her.

"I am only a simple soldier,
Lottie,

"and all I can offer you
is the simple heart

of a simple soldier."

You think she'll
like that?

It's beautiful!

Here's another one.

Never misses.

You'll love it.

"Until I met you, Lottie,

"I never really saw a sunset
or heard a bird sing.

"You're my first thought
in the morning,

"and my last thought at night.

"If a sniper's bullet
should take me,

you would be my last thought
in life."

( sobbing )

Oh.

These really work?

You see what it's doing
to Schultz.

You should see
how it works on girls.

Let me see.

( knock at door )

Come in.

Colonel Hogan.

Colonel, how's
the romance going

with the fair Lottie?

It's not going anyplace.

Why not?

Aren't you using
those sure-fire lines I gave you?

How can I use them?

I'm never alone with Lottie.

The mother is always there.

Oh, I'm alone
with the mother a lot,

but never with Lottie
without the mother.

You got a problem.

Yeah, this calls for
higher-echelon thinking.

Soft lights,
romantic music

and a French dinner.

And where are you going
to get all this?

Leave that to me.

We've got to write
a dinner invitation to Lottie.

I'll dictate it.

All right, all right.

"My darling girl,

"I want very much to see you.

"Please come to my place
for dinner.

"My lips tremble

"with the question
I must ask you

"and ask you alone.

Please say you will come."

Sign that, "Your devoted slave."

Colonel Hogan,

do you really talk
to girls like this?

Sure.

And you get results?

Every time.

I just don't understand it.

Miss Linkmyer, I have a letter
from Colonel Klink.

I will take it.

Yeah, uh,
Baron von Klink wanted me

to deliver it to you.

Baron von Klink?

Klink is a baron?

Son of a gun, I wasn't supposed
to mention it.

The Colonel
is a baron?

Well, yeah, but during wartime
he doesn't want to be known

as an aristocrat,
just a soldier.

What a wonderful
attitude.

Yeah, well, that's
the kind of man he is.

I mean, he never even mentions
his decorations,

like the, uh, uh,
the Iron Cross,

or the Imperial Legion of Merit,

or the Victoria Cross.

The Victoria Cross?
Mm-hmm.

But is not that
a British decoration?

Well, yeah, but even
the British admire a brave man.

And to think that I said
he looked like a dead fish.

Yeah, well,
I wouldn't mention it to him

or anyone else.

Oh, no, I won't.

But can I tell my mother?

No, especially your mother, no.

I understand.

If she is going to marry him,

it should be
for what he is,

not what he was.

She's gonna marry him?

Your mama?

Well, it is not
definite yet,

but, uh, my uncle,
General Burkhalter,

says that the Colonel is
anxious to marry Mama,

and now, I
approve, too.

Oh, boy.

Miss Linkmyer, I think

I've made a mistake.

Can I have
that note back?

Oh, no mistake.

The Colonel has invited Mama
for dinner.

What a nice surprise for Mama.

What a nice surprise
for Colonel Klink.

( humming )

Schultz, have another
bottle of champagne ready.

Jawohl, Herr Baron.

I mean, Herr Kommandant.

Hogan, you have done
a very good job.

Everything looks
absolutely splendid.

Thanks, sir.

The only thing is, it
isn't really necessary.

( laughs )

General Burkhalter
has assured me

that the lady
returns my affection,

and you have gone

through a lot of
trouble for nothing.

Not that I don't
appreciate it, mind you.

( Klink laughs )

( whispering ):
Colonel,

why don't you tell
him the truth?

I can't.

It would be too painful.

Besides, he's going
to find out anyway.

Yeah, I never thought
I'd feel sorry for Klink.

( door buzzer sounds )

Never mind,
never mind, I'll get it.

It's Lottie, my darling Lottie.

HOGAN:
Don't get your hopes too high.

It might be
someone else.

Who else could it be?

( buzzer sounds )

Who else, indeed.

Come in, my darling, come in...

Mrs. Linkmyer!

Come, come, Wilhelm.

You must call me Gertrude.

I must?

Of course.

A husband and wife
can't be so formal.

Even though you have not
asked me the question

that is trembling on your lips.

Husband? Wife?

I must say,
I was very angry

at first, when the
General told me

about his matchmaking,

but once I got
to know you, Wilhelm...

Hogan?

I'm helping Schultz
chill the champagne.

Me, too.

What a
lovely place

you have
here, Wilhelm.

I think I will make
only a few changes.

The drapes
will go first,

and then-then we could
get new furniture.

Oh, just think,
Wilhelm--

our own little
love nest.

Oh, I know you two
want to be alone.

Come on, fellows.
KLINK: Hogan!

Schultz, set another place.

You would have liked my
husband Otto very much.

Mind you, not that

he didn't have some
very bad habits,

but I shouldn't say
anything against him.

He was lost
in the Russian Front, you know.

Maybe you knew him.

Was he the one
they called Lucky Otto?

I don't remember
anyone ever calling him that.

Maybe it was some other
Lucky Otto.

GERTRUDE:
Wilhelm,

what do you think
of a spring wedding?

Not much.

If you don't mind me saying so,

I think you should get married
right away, like tomorrow.

( clears throat )

Hogan, I'm going
to have you shot,

and no court-martial
in the world would convict me.

Tomorrow?

Why so soon?

Well, I figure
it'd give you a chance

to get to know each other,

enjoy a few golden moments
before...

Before what?

Colonel, do you think
it's fair to keep it secret?

Why don't you tell her?

Tell her what?

You naughty boy!

Are you keeping secrets
from me already?

Now, what is it?

I'm going to tell her
if you don't.

The Colonel has volunteered
for service

at the Russian Front,
leaves next week.

What?

Why does everybody I know
volunteer for the Russian front?

What is the big attraction
there?

I don't know.

I'm sure there's something.

Well, I will tell you one thing,
Colonel Klink.

I am not going
to be a widow again.

The engagement is off,
and that is final!

That's it.

I would not do it.

It's ridiculous!

My God, it's crazy.

( door slams )

Hogan, you have just done me
a great favor.

I would like
to do something for you.

All I can ask is,
you get a good night's sleep.

I am going to sleep
like a baby.

That's all I
wanted to hear.

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