Original subtitles

Subs created by: David Coleman.

Uh-oh! Dad's here.

Donuts! Run for your lives!

Up top.

It's not funny anymore. Dad's lost a bunch of weight.

Thanks a lot, dad. You got skinny and killed all my best material.

Actually, I've lost so much weight,

I gotta start buying my clothes in a regular store now.

No more "Benny's Huge and Bald"?

"Lenny's Big and Tall".

But I love Lenny's.

It's the only store with steel-reinforced dressing rooms.

The only store where the freight entrance is also the main entrance.

( Laughing )

Okay, wait wait. Okay, I got one.

It's the only store where the large sizes are big and the small ones...

Aren't.

Yeah, I guess I don't got one.

All right. I'm off to the Mall.

Wow. Shopping without shame.

This is gonna be different.

Hey, dad. Just don't get a hairpiece.

I mean, you gotta leave me something.

Where the big people are so fat...

- P.J., we're done. - Okay.

( Rock music playing )

Today's all burnt toast running late and dad jokes.

"Has anybody seen my left shoe?"

I close my eyes, take a bite grab a ride, laugh out loud.

There it is up on the roof.

I've been there, I survived.

So just take my advice.

Hang in there, baby things are crazy.

But I know your future's bright.

Hang in there, baby, there's no maybe.

Everything turns out all right.

Sure life is up and down.

But trust me, it comes back around.

You're gonna love who you turn out to be.

Hang in there, baby.

( Teddy shrieks )

Great news! Remember that play I wrote?

- "The dancing Princess"? - Yeah.

My theater group is doing the production and Ivy's directing.

And I'm starring?

- No. - Oh.

Then what's the great news?

Well, you're not in this one, mom, but guess who is.

Charlie!

I'm gonna be a Princess.

Good for you.

Hope show business doesn't break your heart as it did mine.

Hey, Charlie. Why is that bear still on the floor?

I asked you to pick that up an hour ago.

Hey, Princess. I'm not gonna ask you again.

Pick up the bear now.

No.

She's been like this all day.

Mom. If I may...

Charlie, sweetie.

Could you pick up that bear for your big sister, please?

Okay.

If you need her to do anything else, just let me know.

( Scoffs )

She's three years old. You got lucky.

No no. It's not luck.

Charlie and I have a special sister bond.

I guess you could call me "The Charlie Whisperer".

( Weak chuckle )

"The Charlie Whisperer".

Okay. Well, if you're so good, why don't you get her to come out of your room?

I did that one with my mind.

What you working on?

Oh, it's for English.

I have to write a report about an old person.

"My neighbor Bert... By Gabe Duncan".

"Bert Doogan... Husband, Father...

Astronaut"?

Whoa!

I didn't know grumpy old Bert was an Astronaut.

Neither does grumpy old Bert.

I made the whole thing up.

It was either that or actually talking to the old dude.

"Whenever I mow Bert's lawn, he tells me stories about his adventures in space".

"There was this one time where his rocket sprung a leak and he fixed it,

with toothpaste and moon rocks".

( Chuckling )

Come on, dude! No one's gonna believe that.

- What, the moon rocks? - No, that you mowed somebody's lawn.

Oh!

Oh, there's my favorite playwright.

There's my favorite Director!

- Ah! - Hey!

This is so exciting. I didn't even know you wanted to direct.

Are you kidding? I talk loud, I like to boss people around...

I'm a natural.

Now let's talk casting.

Yes!

Okay.

Well, uh, at least we know who's gonna play the young Princess...

- Charlie. - Whoa.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Charlie's got to audition like everybody else.

Okay, I get it.

You want me to bring Charlie in for an...

"Audition".

Yes, I...

"Do".

Ivy, look. It's just one line and I wrote it for Charlie.

And if she can say it, she gets the part.

( Cellphone ringing )

Hello.

Mrs. Duncan, please stop calling me. You cannot be in the play.

Hey, guys.

What was that?

Uh... Bob, honey?

Could you come out here please?

Whatcha wearing?

What, this?

Got it at the Mall.

Yeah, some regular store. Whatever.

Oh, the place was called "Cloz", with a "Z".

Cloz?

I shop there.

At least I used to.

Ooh, question about this "Cloz" with a "Z"...

Um, do they have mirrors or lights?

All right, all right. All right, fine. I know what you're thinking.

Hey, at first, I wasn't sure about this new look either. But you know what?

Everybody kept complimenting me.

Really?

Yeah, they said I was "making it work".

"Rockin' that outfit".

Oh, yeah... "Killin' those jeans".

Not sure that last one was a compliment.

And those are the kind of uplifting stories

my neighbor Bert tells me whenever my brother P.J.

Mows his lawn.

Gabe, that was wonderful. Thank you.

No, thank you for giving me the assignment.

You know, Bert sounds like an incredible man.

Do you think he could come in and speak to the class?

Um... you know...

I don't think that's a good idea. He's not moving around very well anymore.

Astronauting is very hard on the knees.

Well, if you bring him in, I'll give you extra credit.

And it could bring your grade up to an "A".

Huh. An "A" in English.

Woo! Can't ask for more better than that.

Next!

Okay. For the role of the young Princess,

presenting Charlie Duncan.

Hi, Charlie.

Okay, Charlie, say the line.

Charlie, hey.

Charlie, remember, your line is...

"Your majesty, I was born to dance".

Okay? Now you say it.

I turned my ears off.

Here, just... can you give us a minute?

Okay.

Who's next?

Hi, I'm Tammy.

Hi, Tammy. Whenever you're ready.

( Inhales and exhales )

Your majesty, I was born to dance.

Tammy, that was very good.

Wow. What did you think?

A little show-offy for my taste.

Oh, come on! She's fantastic.

Yeah, I don't know. I mean, yeah sure, she can act and dance and say the line,

but once you take that away, then what do you have?

Charlie.

Okay.

We have got two great candidates for the role of the young Princess.

Let's just compare them objectively.

Charlie versus...

Hammy.

Tammy.

Oh, it's too late. I already wrote "Hammy".

Okay! First category...

Cuteness. Well, Charlie gets a 10.

No... no question there.

And, uh, Tammy...

Let's be generous and give her a five.

A five?

Is that too high? I'll make it a four.

Okay, next category... personality.

- Tammy has a nice smile. - With dead shark eyes.

I'll make it another four.

Charlie gets a 10.

How about the ability to say lines?

Oh. Yeah. There is some, uh...

There is some debate there.

You know what? Let's just give them each a five.

And there you have it! Charlie is the clear-cut winner!

Oh, Teddy! Come on!

But the numbers don't lie. I didn't just make them up.

Yes, you did!

Ivy, I will get her to say the line.

I'm The Charlie Whisperer.

All right. She's got the part.

I don't know how I'm gonna explain this to Tammy.

Don't worry about Tammy. She's gonna get tons of parts.

She's amazing.

- Ooh, cookies. - Hey, they're not for you.

- They're for Bert. - Bert's coming over?

Yeah, and can you stick around? You have a way with old people.

Usually, it creeps me out, but now I need you.

( Doorbell rings )

Hey! Bert! Come on in.

I've been living across the street from you people for 20 years

and I've never been invited over.

We're shy.

Shy? I hear that mother of yours singing and dancing all the time!

- Women, huh, Bert? - Hey, tell me about it.

Cookie?

Yeah, sure.

That is a nice cardigan.

They don't make them like that anymore.

You got that right. ( Chuckles )

Now you, I like.

Anyhoo, Bert.

I was wondering if you could come to my class

and talk about your amazing career.

Amazing? I was a Mailman.

Good stuff. Good stuff.

But let me just suggest one small...

A little tiny tweak.

Instead of Mailman, let's use a different word.

Letter carrier?

I was thinking Astronaut.

You want me to lie?

What's wrong with being a Mailman?

Nothing. It's just that the kids these days, they're not as easily entertained.

What with the video games, the gizmos and the gadgets.

We're losing our country, Bert.

That's what I always say when I'm talking to my radio.

So... so you'll do it?

No! I'm not gonna lie about my job.

What will you lie about?

Your vacations? And could one of them possibly have been to Jupiter?

Are you off your nut?

- Who raised you anyway? - ( Door opens )

Hey, Bert.

Okay, it's not your fault.

Charlie, it's just one line.

Say it with me.

"Your majesty, I was born to dance".

Charlie, come on, please.

Hey, girls. What's going on?

I can't get Charlie to say her line.

Why don't you just do it with your mind?

If you're done mocking me, I could really use your help here.

Oh, sweetheart.

I'll never be done mocking you.

Okay, relax. I have an idea.

Okay, Charlie. We're gonna read a fun new book.

It's called "your majesty, I was born to dance".

Ohh! That sounds like a great title. You wanna say that?

Yeah, do you wanna say it like the Princess in the book?

That's a dog.

Well, it's a doggy Princess with an invisible tiara.

I want another book.

Come on, Charlie. You can say the line.

"Your majesty, I was born to dance".

"Your majesty, I was born to dance".

Oh! ( Chuckles ) Who's The Charlie Whisperer now?

All right, here he is... Bert Doogan, famous Astronaut.

Well, Bert.

Thank you so much for joining us.

Why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?

( Mumbling )

Could Bert take off his helmet?

Uh, no. Next question.

So we have a speaker who can't actually speak?

Okay, kids. Let's all line up and we can all touch Bert's helmet,

and then he'll be on his way.

I'll go first.

( Makes hissing noise )

Gabe, who is this?

It's Bert, my neighbor.

Bert looks surprisingly young.

Oh, thank you, dear. That's sweet of you to say.

Gabe, I want the truth.

( Sighs )

Okay. The truth is that...

On his last mission, Bert went through a wormhole sending him back in time.

Gabe Duncan, I should have known better.

- You know, you really should have. - Well, I should get going.

To infinity and beyond!

Oh hey, hon'.

Hey! There's my baby boy.

Um, Bob, hon', you...

- You missing something? - Wha... oh! This?

Aw, I just decided to update the work threads.

Well, sweetie.

You're an exterminator. Isn't the point of your uniform

to protect you from things that sting and bite?

Hey, these cannons are my protection.

Oh.

Daddy's gone crazy.

Mama's gonna fix it.

- Hey. - Where have you been?

( Sighs )

- And where's Charlie? - She's at home.

- What?! - She refused to come.

And then when I asked her nicely,

she turned off her ears and she ran away from me.

How could you do this to me?

Look, it's not completely my fault.

Okay? A good Director would have chosen Tammy!

Teddy, the...

The young Princess goes on in two minutes. What are we gonna do?

( Sighs )

I'll take care of it.

( High-pitched ) Your majesty, I was born to dance!

( Cheers and applause )

Hey. What's going on?

Vern, what are you doing here?

I'm here because I love you, man.

Uh-oh.

Bob, honey. Come here. Have a seat next to me.

Now, sweetie, we have some things we'd like to say, so please just hear us out.

Teddy? You start.

( Sighs )

Dad, I miss the old you.

You know, the normal guy whose clothes aren't tighter than mine.

Okay. P.J.

Dad...

I want us to shop at different stores.

I don't want us to have the same pants.

For the record, I love your new look!

It's a comedic gold mine.

- For instance... - Uh, uh, thank you, Gabe.

Vern?

Would you like to share?

Look at me, boss.

I had to expose my flesh to the enemy just so you could show off your guns.

What's going on, Bob?

Are you having some sort of a mid-life crisis?

No!

( Groans )

I... ( Groans )

All right.

A couple of months ago I'm in the park with Toby and, uh...

( Sighs )

Somebody thought I was his grandfather.

So you went through all of this

because of some off-handed comment from a stranger?

Yeah!

But it... guys, it inspired me to lose weight, get in shape.

And your new body is great.

What you've chosen to put on your new body...

Not so great.

Dad.

Will you accept our help and return those clothes today?

There's a car waiting outside to take you to an age-appropriate store.

All right, fine. I'll go.

But, um... you're gonna have to give me 20 minutes to get out of these pants.

Well, Charlie.

Dad returned all the clothes, so there's one less teenager in the house.

And in other news...

Bert: Hey! Keep it down in there!

Gabe got in trouble at school,

so now he has to interview our neighbor Bert for real.

Now where was I?

1983.

1983.

The first-class stamp cost 20 cents.

And the zip plus-four code was established.

- ( Mouthing ) - Now the Z.P.4. Code,

was originally supposed to be just a Z.P.3.

Now this is where it gets complicated, so just stay with me.

It looks like Gabe's gonna be there a while.

Wish him good luck, Charlie.

All right, Vern. You wanna look good in that uniform, we gotta get you into shape.

All right.

Now before we begin, we need to stretch out.

You are limber!

All right, let's try some sit-ups.

Now watch my technique.

All right, your turn.

( Groans )

Vern? You okay?

I think I did a little bit too much too fast, boss.

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