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1
00:00:01,595 --> 00:00:04,719
And when the not-so-cute
boy pony asked out
2
00:00:04,819 --> 00:00:07,069
the girl pony, she said...
3
00:00:07,105 --> 00:00:08,771
- "Neigh"!
- Yeah!
4
00:00:08,773 --> 00:00:10,072
- Watch out, watch out...
- Ow! Ow! Ow!
5
00:00:10,124 --> 00:00:11,974
- Lift it a little bit, come on.
- Ouch! My hand!
6
00:00:11,976 --> 00:00:14,043
- All right, what are you doing?
- Can you believe it?
7
00:00:14,078 --> 00:00:15,895
Somebody just left this
chair on the street.
8
00:00:15,930 --> 00:00:17,980
Yeah. Maybe they died before they could
get it all the way to the dumpster.
9
00:00:20,068 --> 00:00:22,902
Ben, you don't need
to bring in everything
10
00:00:22,937 --> 00:00:24,070
you find outside.
11
00:00:24,105 --> 00:00:25,855
Oh, no offense.
12
00:00:28,026 --> 00:00:29,859
(theme music playing)
13
00:00:29,861 --> 00:00:32,862
It's amazing how the unexpected
14
00:00:32,914 --> 00:00:35,640
Can take your life
and change directions
15
00:00:35,740 --> 00:00:38,990
- Sync and corrected by TheDelta -
- www.addic7ed.com -
16
00:00:39,601 --> 00:00:41,601
- TV: What a play!
- Oh, come on! That's holding!
17
00:00:42,737 --> 00:00:44,654
Hey, guys, turn up the volume a little.
18
00:00:44,689 --> 00:00:45,772
Oh, and I'm gonna need another beer,
19
00:00:45,774 --> 00:00:49,609
so volume and beer. And pretzels!
20
00:00:49,661 --> 00:00:51,611
You know what? Why don't you
guys just throw me the rem...
21
00:00:51,663 --> 00:00:53,696
- Oh...
- (Elevator dings)
22
00:00:53,748 --> 00:00:55,615
All right, just for
that, I'm not gonna let
23
00:00:55,667 --> 00:00:57,617
either of you have your
turn in Chairy Lee Lewis.
24
00:00:58,753 --> 00:00:59,786
Ben? Hi.
25
00:00:59,838 --> 00:01:02,538
I'm kind of afraid to
ask what you're doin'.
26
00:01:02,590 --> 00:01:04,674
It's my new chair. Pretty cool, right?
27
00:01:04,709 --> 00:01:06,626
Whether kickin' back, watchin' sports,
28
00:01:06,678 --> 00:01:08,711
or just putting your hand in
the waistband of your shorts,
29
00:01:08,763 --> 00:01:10,546
it's a sign that you're finally a man.
30
00:01:11,716 --> 00:01:12,799
You know what I like most about you?
31
00:01:12,851 --> 00:01:15,601
Your ability to not care when
people are laughing at you.
32
00:01:16,805 --> 00:01:18,771
But I'm actually glad to see you.
33
00:01:18,807 --> 00:01:20,640
I finally found a new job,
34
00:01:20,692 --> 00:01:22,692
so this is my official two-week notice.
35
00:01:22,727 --> 00:01:24,610
I think it'd be better for both of us
36
00:01:24,646 --> 00:01:26,562
if we just didn't work together.
37
00:01:26,614 --> 00:01:27,647
You agree, right?
38
00:01:27,649 --> 00:01:28,698
No.
39
00:01:29,784 --> 00:01:31,651
Maybe? I guess.
40
00:01:31,653 --> 00:01:32,785
Look, I'm really sorry about everything
41
00:01:32,821 --> 00:01:35,705
that's happened or
didn't happen between us.
42
00:01:35,740 --> 00:01:36,823
Me too.
43
00:01:36,825 --> 00:01:39,792
I'm gonna go grab Riley for yoga.
44
00:01:39,828 --> 00:01:41,627
See you around, Ben.
45
00:01:41,663 --> 00:01:43,830
I'll be right here just being a man.
46
00:01:43,832 --> 00:01:44,797
(creak)
47
00:01:50,755 --> 00:01:51,704
(knocking)
48
00:01:51,739 --> 00:01:52,839
Knock, knock.
49
00:01:52,874 --> 00:01:54,690
Hey, Tuck, can you help me
get rid of this stupid chair?
50
00:01:54,726 --> 00:01:57,510
Oh, no, no. Been there,
done that, not touching it.
51
00:01:57,545 --> 00:01:58,511
No, no, no.
52
00:01:58,513 --> 00:01:59,879
Why don't you ask Danny for help?
53
00:01:59,914 --> 00:02:02,331
Oh, right, you can't, you're in a fight.
54
00:02:02,383 --> 00:02:03,816
You think you're right,
he thinks he's right.
55
00:02:03,852 --> 00:02:07,386
I'm the only one that's right
'cause I think you both crazy.
56
00:02:07,388 --> 00:02:08,738
Are you done?
57
00:02:08,773 --> 00:02:10,706
What's with the suit? Did somebody die?
58
00:02:11,759 --> 00:02:12,775
Oh, my god, did somebody die?
59
00:02:12,811 --> 00:02:14,660
I'm so sorry.
60
00:02:14,712 --> 00:02:17,663
No, the station is
sending me out to cover
61
00:02:17,699 --> 00:02:18,698
a big entertainment story.
62
00:02:18,750 --> 00:02:20,666
Oh! Tucker, that's great!
63
00:02:20,668 --> 00:02:22,485
A beauty pageant for toddlers.
64
00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:23,536
Oh...
65
00:02:23,538 --> 00:02:24,587
Tucker, that's horrible.
66
00:02:24,639 --> 00:02:25,638
Can I...
67
00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:28,407
You know what? Those pageants,
68
00:02:28,409 --> 00:02:29,559
they aren't even for the kids.
69
00:02:29,594 --> 00:02:31,511
They're really for the moms
who are trying to make up
70
00:02:31,563 --> 00:02:33,462
for the lack of fulfillment
in their own lives.
71
00:02:33,498 --> 00:02:35,815
They are certainly no place
for a pudgy four-year-old
72
00:02:35,850 --> 00:02:37,383
with a lazy eye and a heart of gold.
73
00:02:37,418 --> 00:02:39,418
Oh, no, no, she doesn't
even get to compete!
74
00:02:42,790 --> 00:02:44,757
Oh, my god.
75
00:02:44,809 --> 00:02:47,743
Wait, Riley, I think your
sad, pathetic, tragic childhood
76
00:02:47,779 --> 00:02:48,761
may have just come in handy.
77
00:02:49,931 --> 00:02:52,715
Yeah, I just need to expose
the... the dark underbelly
78
00:02:52,750 --> 00:02:54,734
of the toddler beauty pageant circuit.
79
00:02:54,769 --> 00:02:56,652
A Tucker Dobbs exclusive...
80
00:02:56,704 --> 00:02:58,604
(whispers) exclusive, exclusive...
81
00:03:00,408 --> 00:03:01,541
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
82
00:03:01,543 --> 00:03:03,476
I just need to find a mom
who's willing to act like
83
00:03:03,528 --> 00:03:05,428
a complete jackass in front of a camera.
84
00:03:05,463 --> 00:03:06,462
Hey, guys!
85
00:03:06,497 --> 00:03:07,813
(panting)
86
00:03:07,849 --> 00:03:09,782
Oh, man...
87
00:03:09,784 --> 00:03:11,801
it is hard outrunning a police horse.
88
00:03:13,738 --> 00:03:15,788
Unrelated, if a guy named Brick calls,
89
00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:17,690
tell him the drop has been made.
90
00:03:23,498 --> 00:03:25,464
Okay, what's with the hand signals
91
00:03:25,500 --> 00:03:26,649
and the darty eyes?
92
00:03:26,684 --> 00:03:27,650
Nothing.
93
00:03:27,702 --> 00:03:30,503
Tucker just has to cover
this baby beauty pageant
94
00:03:30,505 --> 00:03:31,604
and he thought it'd be fun to profile
95
00:03:31,639 --> 00:03:33,489
one of the moms or grandmoms.
96
00:03:33,541 --> 00:03:35,374
That's so lame, right?
97
00:03:35,376 --> 00:03:38,477
(scoffs) Uh, no, not lame.
98
00:03:38,479 --> 00:03:40,746
Everybody loves a good pageant story.
99
00:03:40,798 --> 00:03:42,832
You know, I was two-time runner up
100
00:03:42,867 --> 00:03:44,483
Miss Teen Northeastern New Jersey
101
00:03:44,519 --> 00:03:46,819
till a very large baby
bump derailed my career.
102
00:03:49,741 --> 00:03:52,625
Hey, I have a brilliant idea.
103
00:03:52,660 --> 00:03:53,776
What if I entered Emma?
104
00:03:54,829 --> 00:03:57,697
Wow. Uh, yeah.
105
00:03:57,732 --> 00:03:59,699
That is brilliant, but I don't know.
106
00:03:59,701 --> 00:04:01,467
I mean, what will Ben say?
107
00:04:01,519 --> 00:04:04,420
Nothing, because he
doesn't need to know.
108
00:04:04,455 --> 00:04:06,455
Just like he didn't
know that I accidentally
109
00:04:06,491 --> 00:04:08,324
vacuumed up his pet iguana Charles.
110
00:04:10,395 --> 00:04:11,444
We lost a great vacuum that day.
111
00:04:14,816 --> 00:04:17,333
Oh, good morning,
Chaireem Abdul Chairbar.
112
00:04:18,853 --> 00:04:20,353
What's this?
113
00:04:20,388 --> 00:04:22,321
"Dear Ben, can't shake the feeling that
114
00:04:22,373 --> 00:04:23,673
"there's still something between us.
115
00:04:23,725 --> 00:04:25,625
"If you know who this is
and you feel the same way,
116
00:04:25,660 --> 00:04:26,826
"meet me at Cafe
Georgia tonight at 7:00.
117
00:04:26,861 --> 00:04:29,612
If I don't see you, I'll
know we weren't meant to be."
118
00:04:30,665 --> 00:04:32,498
Oh, my god,
119
00:04:32,533 --> 00:04:34,600
that's the most romantic
thing I've ever heard!
120
00:04:36,404 --> 00:04:37,420
Who's it from?
121
00:04:37,455 --> 00:04:38,537
She didn't sign it.
122
00:04:38,573 --> 00:04:39,472
You think it might be Sam?
123
00:04:39,524 --> 00:04:41,357
Oh! It has to be Sam!
124
00:04:41,392 --> 00:04:43,793
You mean the Sam who
literally says every day,
125
00:04:43,828 --> 00:04:46,412
"Ben, stay away from me.
"Ben, stop talking to me.
126
00:04:46,414 --> 00:04:47,713
Ben, stop staring at my boobs"?
127
00:04:48,850 --> 00:04:50,366
Yeah, that Sam.
128
00:04:50,418 --> 00:04:51,851
I mean, if it's not her, then who is it?
129
00:04:51,886 --> 00:04:53,819
I mean, there have got to
be dozens of women out there
130
00:04:53,821 --> 00:04:56,589
who wouldn't mind another
spin on the Wheeler.
131
00:04:59,627 --> 00:05:00,593
What if you go
132
00:05:00,645 --> 00:05:02,478
and it's not someone you like,
133
00:05:02,530 --> 00:05:04,463
then that poor girl is
completely embarrassed
134
00:05:04,499 --> 00:05:05,431
and humiliated?
135
00:05:05,483 --> 00:05:07,350
Oh, my god, could you think like a dude
136
00:05:07,385 --> 00:05:09,435
and not a teenage girl just once?
137
00:05:09,487 --> 00:05:11,370
I'll get there early, check her out,
138
00:05:11,406 --> 00:05:12,788
if I don't like what I see,
I'll hide out in the men's room
139
00:05:12,840 --> 00:05:14,307
until she leaves, heartbroken.
140
00:05:14,359 --> 00:05:15,741
I'm not a complete jerk.
141
00:05:15,777 --> 00:05:19,312
You know what, this is
actually a really great idea.
142
00:05:19,364 --> 00:05:20,780
Yeah, I'll bet Riley
misses me just as much
143
00:05:20,782 --> 00:05:22,748
as I miss her, she just
doesn't know how to tell me.
144
00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:24,767
I'm gonna write her a
note telling her to meet me
145
00:05:24,819 --> 00:05:27,586
down at the bar tonight to
see if she feels the same way.
146
00:05:27,638 --> 00:05:28,771
Cool.
147
00:05:28,806 --> 00:05:30,656
Hey, what if the girl who
wrote me this note was Riley?
148
00:05:30,708 --> 00:05:31,657
Wouldn't that be hilarious?
149
00:05:33,561 --> 00:05:34,527
No?
150
00:05:39,567 --> 00:05:41,367
(door opens)
151
00:05:42,537 --> 00:05:44,387
- Tucker: All right, look...
- (Door closes)
152
00:05:44,439 --> 00:05:46,822
you will never, ever hear
me say this to you again.
153
00:05:46,874 --> 00:05:49,392
When we get there, be yourself.
154
00:05:50,812 --> 00:05:51,794
Oh, hey.
155
00:05:51,829 --> 00:05:53,396
Off to the pageant?
156
00:05:53,431 --> 00:05:55,765
Oh, good luck, Emma.
157
00:05:55,817 --> 00:05:56,782
She doesn't need luck.
158
00:05:56,834 --> 00:05:59,568
She has me, someone who understands
159
00:05:59,604 --> 00:06:01,604
how important it is to look her best...
160
00:06:01,639 --> 00:06:04,724
clearly something you
give zero patoots about.
161
00:06:04,726 --> 00:06:06,659
(chuckles) For example,
162
00:06:06,661 --> 00:06:09,478
you have toilet paper stuck
to the bottom of your shoe.
163
00:06:09,530 --> 00:06:11,514
That's not toilet paper.
164
00:06:11,549 --> 00:06:12,515
- It's garbage.
- (Ding)
165
00:06:14,369 --> 00:06:15,401
Pretty girl.
166
00:06:16,587 --> 00:06:18,471
- I'm actually going down too.
- Well, just take another.
167
00:06:18,473 --> 00:06:19,755
- Bonnie: Take the next one.
- Oh, my gosh.
168
00:06:21,826 --> 00:06:23,426
Oh, good, you survived.
169
00:06:23,478 --> 00:06:24,727
So?
170
00:06:24,762 --> 00:06:25,745
How'd it go?
171
00:06:25,797 --> 00:06:27,380
Get any crazy footage?
172
00:06:27,415 --> 00:06:29,648
Um, unfortunately, no. No.
173
00:06:29,684 --> 00:06:31,801
The cameras weren't even rolling
before someone got thrown out
174
00:06:31,836 --> 00:06:33,786
for trying to bribe the judges.
175
00:06:33,821 --> 00:06:35,588
Oh, my god.
176
00:06:35,623 --> 00:06:38,657
What kind of pathetic lowlife
tries to cheat little kids?
177
00:06:38,709 --> 00:06:40,543
Oh, don't you judge me, Perrin.
178
00:06:41,629 --> 00:06:42,611
(scoffs) I mean,
179
00:06:42,663 --> 00:06:45,548
it's not like I tried to blackmail them.
180
00:06:45,583 --> 00:06:47,366
Oh, man!
181
00:06:47,402 --> 00:06:48,451
That's what I should've done!
182
00:06:48,486 --> 00:06:50,352
God!
183
00:06:50,388 --> 00:06:53,355
They have not seen the
last of Bonnie Wheeler.
184
00:06:53,408 --> 00:06:54,824
(door closes)
185
00:06:54,876 --> 00:06:56,792
I wish I'd seen the
last of Bonnie Wheeler.
186
00:07:03,618 --> 00:07:05,518
(high-pitched) Riley...
187
00:07:05,553 --> 00:07:07,620
have I ever told you
how much I love you?
188
00:07:08,673 --> 00:07:10,689
- Only when you need something.
- (Chuckle)
189
00:07:10,691 --> 00:07:12,458
- I love you.
- Oh...
190
00:07:13,628 --> 00:07:16,429
Please? Come on, come on,
come on, I need more footage.
191
00:07:16,464 --> 00:07:19,381
I need you to go undercover
as Emma's mom to help me
192
00:07:19,434 --> 00:07:21,367
catch one of the real
moms behaving horribly.
193
00:07:21,402 --> 00:07:22,501
Tucker, no!
194
00:07:22,537 --> 00:07:25,438
Okay? These pageants go
against everything I believe in.
195
00:07:25,473 --> 00:07:28,407
Which is why you should do this!
196
00:07:28,459 --> 00:07:31,360
Do it for every woman out
there who doesn't have a voice.
197
00:07:32,747 --> 00:07:34,763
Do it for every pudgy, cross-eyed girl
198
00:07:34,816 --> 00:07:36,749
with a bad perm and corrective shoes
199
00:07:36,784 --> 00:07:37,733
who didn't have a chance.
200
00:07:39,787 --> 00:07:41,587
I never said anything
201
00:07:41,639 --> 00:07:44,523
about a bad perm or corrective shoes.
202
00:07:44,575 --> 00:07:45,624
Was I wrong?
203
00:07:48,396 --> 00:07:49,361
No.
204
00:07:50,498 --> 00:07:52,381
You know what? Fine. All right.
205
00:07:52,416 --> 00:07:54,767
Gives me a good reason to avoid Danny.
206
00:07:58,873 --> 00:08:00,706
Oh, I'm sorry,
207
00:08:00,741 --> 00:08:02,708
I'm saving this chair
for the love of my life.
208
00:08:02,743 --> 00:08:04,293
We're sort of on a break.
209
00:08:04,328 --> 00:08:05,661
Actually, she would
say we were broken up,
210
00:08:05,696 --> 00:08:07,763
but I think she needs to
stop focusing on the past
211
00:08:07,798 --> 00:08:10,566
and realize what's truly
important is our future.
212
00:08:12,670 --> 00:08:13,702
Oh, I'm sorry,
213
00:08:13,754 --> 00:08:16,522
I'm saving this chair
for the love of my life.
214
00:08:16,557 --> 00:08:18,474
Yeah, we're sort of on a break.
215
00:08:18,509 --> 00:08:19,592
Actually, she would
say we were broken up,
216
00:08:19,644 --> 00:08:21,560
but I think she just needs
to stop focusing on the past
217
00:08:21,612 --> 00:08:23,579
and realize what's
truly... Okay, cool.
218
00:08:33,341 --> 00:08:34,390
Ben!
219
00:08:34,425 --> 00:08:35,407
Julia?
220
00:08:35,443 --> 00:08:36,408
Julia!
221
00:08:36,444 --> 00:08:37,743
Julia!
222
00:08:37,795 --> 00:08:38,811
It's you!
223
00:08:38,846 --> 00:08:40,696
Wow, I didn't...
224
00:08:40,731 --> 00:08:41,780
You're here early!
225
00:08:41,782 --> 00:08:43,716
I love this place.
226
00:08:43,718 --> 00:08:46,619
If you remember, this is
where we had our first date.
227
00:08:46,671 --> 00:08:48,470
Oh, I remember.
228
00:08:48,523 --> 00:08:49,705
I also remember it was our only date.
229
00:08:49,740 --> 00:08:52,558
Yeah, about that...
230
00:08:52,593 --> 00:08:54,460
I'm really sorry.
231
00:08:54,495 --> 00:08:55,528
I think I just overreacted.
232
00:08:55,580 --> 00:08:56,562
Honestly.
233
00:08:56,597 --> 00:08:58,380
I've regretted it ever since.
234
00:08:58,416 --> 00:09:00,332
Well, if you're in the
mood to regret things,
235
00:09:00,368 --> 00:09:01,367
why don't we go back to my place?
236
00:09:01,402 --> 00:09:02,418
(chuckles awkwardly)
237
00:09:02,470 --> 00:09:04,303
I bet you regret that line.
238
00:09:04,338 --> 00:09:05,721
I do.
239
00:09:05,756 --> 00:09:06,722
It's okay.
240
00:09:06,757 --> 00:09:08,357
- It actually worked.
- Oh.
241
00:09:17,718 --> 00:09:19,702
Hey, have you seen this guy?
242
00:09:21,556 --> 00:09:23,656
Oh, yeah. He just left
with some girl he picked up.
243
00:09:23,658 --> 00:09:26,475
Of course he did.
244
00:09:26,527 --> 00:09:27,526
Did he hit on you too?
245
00:09:27,562 --> 00:09:28,494
A little.
246
00:09:36,614 --> 00:09:38,163
You know, I have to tell ya,
247
00:09:38,215 --> 00:09:39,598
it was pretty brave,
you writing that note.
248
00:09:39,633 --> 00:09:41,483
I don't think I would've
had the guts to do it.
249
00:09:41,519 --> 00:09:42,551
Thanks.
250
00:09:44,522 --> 00:09:46,422
Wait, what are you talking about?
251
00:09:46,457 --> 00:09:48,340
The note that you wrote.
252
00:09:48,376 --> 00:09:50,292
I didn't write a note.
253
00:09:50,344 --> 00:09:51,393
What?
254
00:09:51,429 --> 00:09:53,228
Then what are we doing on my couch?
255
00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:56,348
I thought making a pit stop
on the way to the bedroom.
256
00:09:59,236 --> 00:10:01,253
Well, if you didn't
write this, then who did?
257
00:10:01,305 --> 00:10:04,206
Maybe the girl you
were supposed to meet.
258
00:10:05,643 --> 00:10:07,593
You know what? Whoever she is,
259
00:10:07,645 --> 00:10:09,161
she's too good for you.
260
00:10:09,196 --> 00:10:10,629
Well, I'd agree with you
if I knew who she was!
261
00:10:12,183 --> 00:10:12,598
(door closes)
262
00:10:14,235 --> 00:10:15,551
Maybe all hope isn't lost.
263
00:10:15,586 --> 00:10:17,636
You left before Note Girl got there,
264
00:10:17,638 --> 00:10:19,405
so just tell her something came up.
265
00:10:19,407 --> 00:10:21,440
Did you forget the part
where I don't know who she is?
266
00:10:25,379 --> 00:10:26,478
Uh, exactly!
267
00:10:26,514 --> 00:10:27,513
Exactly, man!
268
00:10:27,515 --> 00:10:29,448
Uh, which is why...
269
00:10:29,500 --> 00:10:33,252
which is why you...
270
00:10:33,287 --> 00:10:35,254
you... you're gonna
write her a note,
271
00:10:35,289 --> 00:10:37,222
and yup, yup, you are
gonna write her a note
272
00:10:37,258 --> 00:10:39,191
and you are gonna beg
her for a second chance.
273
00:10:39,226 --> 00:10:41,360
All right? Just tell her
you will meet you at the bar
274
00:10:41,395 --> 00:10:43,295
and, uh, just put the note in the chair.
275
00:10:43,297 --> 00:10:45,230
- What do you think I should say?
- Uh...
276
00:10:45,282 --> 00:10:47,583
you know, maybe something like, uh...
277
00:10:47,618 --> 00:10:49,585
"Truly sorry I missed you last night.
278
00:10:49,620 --> 00:10:51,570
Please give me a second chance",
279
00:10:51,572 --> 00:10:53,455
you know, something...
something like that,
280
00:10:53,507 --> 00:10:54,606
but, uh, maybe a little bit longer.
281
00:10:54,642 --> 00:10:55,641
Yeah.
282
00:10:55,693 --> 00:10:58,377
Oh, almost forgot to tell
you, Riley came by earlier
283
00:10:58,379 --> 00:11:00,295
to pick up Emma to
take her to preschool,
284
00:11:00,331 --> 00:11:03,398
so no need to follow
up on that story, okay?
285
00:11:06,303 --> 00:11:07,352
- Let's get it.
- Wait a minute,
286
00:11:07,354 --> 00:11:08,370
what the hell is this?
287
00:11:10,391 --> 00:11:13,242
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Morty, what are you doing?
288
00:11:13,277 --> 00:11:14,293
That's my brother's.
289
00:11:14,345 --> 00:11:16,161
I know it looks like an old chair,
290
00:11:16,197 --> 00:11:17,312
but it holds a lot of hopes and dreams.
291
00:11:19,166 --> 00:11:20,232
I had a futon like that once.
292
00:11:20,267 --> 00:11:21,233
I get it.
293
00:11:22,653 --> 00:11:24,219
Oh, hey, what's this?
294
00:11:26,190 --> 00:11:27,573
"Truly sorry I missed you last night.
295
00:11:27,625 --> 00:11:29,458
"Please give me a second chance.
296
00:11:29,510 --> 00:11:30,542
This whole thing is my fault."
297
00:11:30,594 --> 00:11:32,478
"This whole thing is my fault."
298
00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:34,379
Oh, my god, this is from Riley!
299
00:11:34,415 --> 00:11:36,398
Riley? Is that a guy or a girl?
300
00:11:36,433 --> 00:11:37,533
She's a girl.
301
00:11:37,568 --> 00:11:39,451
Girl? Wow.
302
00:11:39,453 --> 00:11:41,270
My gaydar's way off.
303
00:11:46,427 --> 00:11:48,227
(chatter)
304
00:11:49,363 --> 00:11:52,264
My little Emma's gotta keep
on winning that prize money.
305
00:11:52,299 --> 00:11:55,234
We spent her last prize on a treadmill.
306
00:11:55,236 --> 00:11:57,169
Not for me, for her.
307
00:11:57,221 --> 00:11:59,605
She just can't lose that baby fat.
308
00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:01,156
How 'bout you?
309
00:12:01,192 --> 00:12:03,458
Oh, we're not here to win money.
310
00:12:03,494 --> 00:12:04,510
My daughter begged me to do it.
311
00:12:04,512 --> 00:12:05,561
She loves to dance so much.
312
00:12:05,596 --> 00:12:07,446
I'm just here to support her.
313
00:12:07,448 --> 00:12:11,350
But don't you sort
of love the glory too?
314
00:12:11,402 --> 00:12:14,486
I mean, a win for Emma
is really a win for me,
315
00:12:14,522 --> 00:12:15,554
you know what I mean?
316
00:12:15,556 --> 00:12:19,258
Well, I sure hope you win then.
317
00:12:19,293 --> 00:12:20,375
Sounds like you really need it.
318
00:12:24,315 --> 00:12:25,380
This is a disaster.
319
00:12:25,432 --> 00:12:28,283
Everybody here is nice and supportive.
320
00:12:28,335 --> 00:12:30,319
Why do good people always
have to happen to me?
321
00:12:30,354 --> 00:12:32,638
Where the crazy ladies at?
322
00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:34,189
Ah!
323
00:12:35,342 --> 00:12:38,210
Nothing like the smell of hairspray,
324
00:12:38,245 --> 00:12:39,611
tanning lotion, and baby tears.
325
00:12:39,663 --> 00:12:41,463
I'm home!
326
00:12:41,515 --> 00:12:42,598
Lucy Carmichael,
327
00:12:42,633 --> 00:12:44,483
pageant coach to the stars.
328
00:12:44,535 --> 00:12:45,617
Lose that bow, kid.
329
00:12:45,619 --> 00:12:47,436
Red is so over.
330
00:12:47,471 --> 00:12:48,437
You!
331
00:12:48,472 --> 00:12:50,455
You two look like you could use my help.
332
00:12:50,491 --> 00:12:52,391
What are you... what
are you doing here?
333
00:12:52,426 --> 00:12:54,443
I'm here to help make sure
Emma upholds my legacy.
334
00:12:54,495 --> 00:12:56,328
We're not trying to win.
335
00:12:56,380 --> 00:12:58,313
She's only entered as our cover story.
336
00:12:58,349 --> 00:13:00,399
Look, if my granddaughter
is in this pageant,
337
00:13:00,451 --> 00:13:02,334
she is gonna win this pageant,
338
00:13:02,386 --> 00:13:04,202
and you can't deliver.
339
00:13:04,238 --> 00:13:05,354
(scoffs) Can't deliver?
340
00:13:05,406 --> 00:13:08,290
If I wanted to deliver, I'd
deliver all over this place.
341
00:13:08,325 --> 00:13:10,275
Oh, yeah, and what
are you gonna teach her
342
00:13:10,277 --> 00:13:12,210
for her talent portion, how to stay home
343
00:13:12,263 --> 00:13:15,197
on Saturday nights and eat
day-old cake over a sink?
344
00:13:15,232 --> 00:13:16,615
Oh, okay, and what are
you gonna teach her,
345
00:13:16,617 --> 00:13:19,134
how to get pregnant at
17 and marry a gay man?
346
00:13:19,186 --> 00:13:21,370
- Oh, yeah, it's getting real.
- Oh!
347
00:13:33,267 --> 00:13:34,433
Oh, my god, the note's gone.
348
00:13:34,435 --> 00:13:36,201
It worked!
349
00:13:36,203 --> 00:13:37,202
(ding)
350
00:13:39,273 --> 00:13:40,322
Oh, hey!
351
00:13:40,357 --> 00:13:42,157
I was just coming to meet you.
352
00:13:42,192 --> 00:13:43,258
Why don't you
just come in and...
353
00:13:43,294 --> 00:13:45,143
Oh, my god, I missed you!
354
00:13:47,298 --> 00:13:48,630
Oh, my god, get off me!
355
00:13:48,666 --> 00:13:50,482
I feel like I missed something.
356
00:13:51,619 --> 00:13:54,603
Look, Riley, we're both to blame here.
357
00:13:54,638 --> 00:13:57,406
I'm just so happy we can
finally get past this.
358
00:13:57,441 --> 00:14:00,442
And to think, it's all
'cause of this chair.
359
00:14:02,413 --> 00:14:03,495
Are you drunk?
360
00:14:03,497 --> 00:14:05,314
No!
361
00:14:05,349 --> 00:14:07,366
I got your note where you
said it was all your fault.
362
00:14:10,354 --> 00:14:11,403
I didn't write this.
363
00:14:11,438 --> 00:14:13,205
You know how you'd know?
364
00:14:13,257 --> 00:14:15,140
'Cause none of it was my fault.
365
00:14:15,142 --> 00:14:17,192
All right? This is your
brother's handwriting.
366
00:14:17,227 --> 00:14:18,577
I hope you two are very happy together.
367
00:14:23,084 --> 00:14:24,717
Hey, have you seen Ben?
368
00:14:24,719 --> 00:14:26,702
Yeah. He's over there about to show
369
00:14:26,737 --> 00:14:28,087
yet another girl the
inside of his mouth.
370
00:14:30,057 --> 00:14:32,074
Hey, Ben. Can I talk to
you for a quick second?
371
00:14:32,109 --> 00:14:35,010
- It's kind of important.
- Yeah, just one second.
372
00:14:35,046 --> 00:14:36,929
Dude, you're not gonna believe this.
373
00:14:36,931 --> 00:14:38,948
She's Note Girl. We
went out a few years ago.
374
00:14:38,983 --> 00:14:41,767
Ben, she's not Note Girl.
375
00:14:41,819 --> 00:14:42,818
I'm Note Girl.
376
00:14:44,905 --> 00:14:47,773
Danny, I don't know
where to go with this,
377
00:14:47,808 --> 00:14:50,793
but I guess I'll start
with "Dude, we're brothers."
378
00:14:50,845 --> 00:14:52,678
No, I mean I found your note
379
00:14:52,730 --> 00:14:53,912
and thought it was from Riley.
380
00:14:53,948 --> 00:14:56,131
I'm sorry, man, but that
girl didn't come here for you.
381
00:14:58,102 --> 00:15:00,035
You're quite the catch
these days, Romeo.
382
00:15:00,071 --> 00:15:01,036
I'm actually not.
383
00:15:01,088 --> 00:15:02,121
She was supposed to be someone else.
384
00:15:02,123 --> 00:15:04,023
I thought she left me a note,
385
00:15:04,025 --> 00:15:06,125
but afraid I'll never
find out who sent it.
386
00:15:06,127 --> 00:15:08,894
It was me, you idiot!
387
00:15:08,929 --> 00:15:09,945
It was me! It was me! It was me!
388
00:15:09,997 --> 00:15:10,996
I wrote the note!
389
00:15:12,049 --> 00:15:13,048
You did?
390
00:15:13,100 --> 00:15:14,850
Why didn't you sign it?
391
00:15:14,885 --> 00:15:16,835
Because I thought if
we were meant to be,
392
00:15:16,871 --> 00:15:17,853
then you would know it was me!
393
00:15:17,888 --> 00:15:18,904
Sam, I wanted it to be you.
394
00:15:18,939 --> 00:15:19,938
You were my first choice!
395
00:15:19,991 --> 00:15:22,725
Really? After whoever
you picked up last night,
396
00:15:22,777 --> 00:15:23,759
and now Heather?
397
00:15:23,794 --> 00:15:24,860
Heather! That's her name.
398
00:15:27,164 --> 00:15:28,814
- Sam, I'm sorry.
- Forget it.
399
00:15:28,866 --> 00:15:30,749
It wasn't enough to completely reject me
400
00:15:30,801 --> 00:15:32,067
while I'm naked in bed with you.
401
00:15:32,103 --> 00:15:33,686
You had to do it a couple more times
402
00:15:33,738 --> 00:15:35,004
just for good measure?
403
00:15:35,039 --> 00:15:36,955
Consider me humiliated.
404
00:15:36,957 --> 00:15:39,024
Congratulations, you finally got back
405
00:15:39,026 --> 00:15:41,010
at the stuck-up cheerleader
who ignored you in high school.
406
00:15:41,045 --> 00:15:42,928
Sam, wait, I...
407
00:15:44,048 --> 00:15:46,915
(applause)
408
00:15:48,903 --> 00:15:50,869
It's just so sad.
409
00:15:50,871 --> 00:15:51,920
You know how many of these girls dream
410
00:15:51,956 --> 00:15:54,923
of becoming models and
actresses only to fail
411
00:15:54,959 --> 00:15:57,693
and grab the lowest
branch that is real estate?
412
00:15:58,796 --> 00:16:00,112
God, that got real quick.
413
00:16:01,749 --> 00:16:03,749
Okay, Emma's up next.
414
00:16:03,801 --> 00:16:05,684
Wait, where's her wig?
415
00:16:05,686 --> 00:16:07,119
Do you have any idea how many dolls
416
00:16:07,154 --> 00:16:09,088
I had to scalp to make that thing?
417
00:16:09,140 --> 00:16:10,723
It doesn't matter, okay?
418
00:16:10,775 --> 00:16:13,625
I stayed up all night teaching
her my amazing dance routine.
419
00:16:13,677 --> 00:16:14,960
Step, ball, change.
420
00:16:15,012 --> 00:16:16,028
Step, ball, change.
421
00:16:16,063 --> 00:16:18,047
Yeah, well, that's
gonna be awkward because
422
00:16:18,082 --> 00:16:20,933
I spent all morning
teaching her my routine.
423
00:16:20,968 --> 00:16:24,069
Shimmy-shimmy jazz hands.
Shimmy-shimmy jazz hands.
424
00:16:24,071 --> 00:16:26,872
I'm her coach, it is my trophy.
425
00:16:26,907 --> 00:16:27,940
- Your trophy?
- Yeah.
426
00:16:27,975 --> 00:16:30,743
Unbelievable. You have
clearly lost sight of who's
427
00:16:30,795 --> 00:16:31,844
doing all the work here.
428
00:16:31,846 --> 00:16:33,862
Me! It is my trophy.
429
00:16:33,914 --> 00:16:36,849
I don't know who's
winning Tiny Darlings,
430
00:16:36,851 --> 00:16:39,735
but they are about to
shimmy-shimmy jazz hands
431
00:16:39,787 --> 00:16:43,689
their way into today's top story.
432
00:16:43,724 --> 00:16:46,759
- ( Yankee Doodle playing)
- Oh my god, she looks so cute.
433
00:16:46,794 --> 00:16:49,094
All right, come on,
Emma! Fluff those ruffles!
434
00:16:57,138 --> 00:17:00,022
Come on! Come on, honey!
Just like we rehearsed, okay?
435
00:17:00,074 --> 00:17:02,841
And big smile!
436
00:17:02,893 --> 00:17:03,976
And dance, Emma, dance!
437
00:17:05,863 --> 00:17:06,912
You look like an insane person.
438
00:17:06,914 --> 00:17:08,764
And I'm the one wearing a $5 wig.
439
00:17:08,799 --> 00:17:10,783
I've got it, I've got this,
okay? I've worked so hard.
440
00:17:10,818 --> 00:17:13,802
Lasso! Lasso! Lasso! Lasso!
441
00:17:13,838 --> 00:17:15,771
Blow a kiss, see where it goes!
442
00:17:15,806 --> 00:17:17,656
Blow a kiss, see where it goes!
443
00:17:17,708 --> 00:17:20,793
- All right, sparkle! Sparkle!
- That is it! That is it!
444
00:17:20,828 --> 00:17:23,796
My granddaughter is
not having fun anymore.
445
00:17:23,831 --> 00:17:26,682
And if she's not happy, I'm not happy.
446
00:17:26,734 --> 00:17:29,101
And you people should
be ashamed of yourselves,
447
00:17:29,136 --> 00:17:32,020
allowing a clearly deranged woman
448
00:17:32,072 --> 00:17:35,974
to force a toddler to do
a terrible dance routine.
449
00:17:36,010 --> 00:17:39,962
No! No, no, no, stop,
stop! She's got this, okay?
450
00:17:39,997 --> 00:17:41,914
I am winning this thing!
451
00:17:41,966 --> 00:17:43,782
Riley Perrin is a winner!
452
00:17:46,804 --> 00:17:49,688
Cheerleaders: Whoo!
453
00:17:51,826 --> 00:17:54,726
Look, girls, I'm sure you
all have great fake IDs,
454
00:17:54,728 --> 00:17:57,129
but the high school cheerleader
outfits are kind of a dead giveaway.
455
00:17:57,164 --> 00:17:59,798
Cheerleaders: Ready?
Okay! His name is Ben.
456
00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:02,034
He is a fool.
457
00:18:02,036 --> 00:18:03,702
Go out with him.
458
00:18:03,704 --> 00:18:04,970
That might be cool.
459
00:18:06,056 --> 00:18:09,041
Go... Ben!
460
00:18:12,096 --> 00:18:14,029
Ben, what the hell are you doing?
461
00:18:14,081 --> 00:18:15,981
You said you were done being humiliated.
462
00:18:16,016 --> 00:18:17,015
Well, now it's my turn.
463
00:18:17,067 --> 00:18:18,984
Pom-poms down!
464
00:18:18,986 --> 00:18:20,836
- I'm doin' this dance...
- (Clapping rhythmically)
465
00:18:20,888 --> 00:18:21,920
...to get another chance.
466
00:18:21,922 --> 00:18:23,005
Let me take you out
467
00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:24,990
or I'll scream and shout!
468
00:18:25,025 --> 00:18:26,792
I was stupid
469
00:18:26,794 --> 00:18:27,843
I must admit.
470
00:18:27,878 --> 00:18:28,844
I even learned
471
00:18:28,879 --> 00:18:30,696
to do the splits.
472
00:18:30,731 --> 00:18:34,683
Ow! Oh god. No! Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow.
473
00:18:34,735 --> 00:18:35,817
You can stop now.
474
00:18:37,705 --> 00:18:40,055
If you're willing to
do something this crazy,
475
00:18:40,107 --> 00:18:43,025
then maybe I'm crazy enough
to give you a second chance.
476
00:18:43,060 --> 00:18:46,662
Thank you. You ever kiss
a cheerleader before?
477
00:18:46,714 --> 00:18:49,147
Once, but it was a dare.
478
00:18:50,951 --> 00:18:52,968
Cheerleaders: Whoo!
479
00:18:54,088 --> 00:18:56,905
No, no, no, stop, stop!
She's got this, okay?
480
00:18:56,957 --> 00:18:58,891
I am winning this thing!
481
00:18:58,926 --> 00:19:00,976
Riley Perrin is a winner!
482
00:19:01,011 --> 00:19:03,762
(lip syncing to himself)
This is Tucker Dobbs...
483
00:19:03,797 --> 00:19:05,847
revealing the horrifying
truth about parents
484
00:19:05,883 --> 00:19:08,667
who pathetically live
through their children.
485
00:19:08,669 --> 00:19:09,668
Be careful, America.
486
00:19:12,790 --> 00:19:14,673
Oh my god.
487
00:19:14,675 --> 00:19:15,724
That's me.
488
00:19:15,759 --> 00:19:18,694
Like that's really me.
489
00:19:18,729 --> 00:19:21,046
It's like I always have to win...
490
00:19:21,048 --> 00:19:24,983
with work, with sports, with everything.
491
00:19:25,035 --> 00:19:28,053
- No, what? No!
- No, you? Oh, come on!
492
00:19:28,122 --> 00:19:29,054
You're a little kitty kat.
493
00:19:29,106 --> 00:19:31,056
Yeah, you don't do...
you don't do that.
494
00:19:31,108 --> 00:19:33,942
That's even what I did with Danny.
495
00:19:35,062 --> 00:19:37,029
I have to go.
496
00:19:40,951 --> 00:19:42,951
Oh, hey.
497
00:19:49,076 --> 00:19:50,125
Thank you?
498
00:19:51,161 --> 00:19:55,080
Danny... I'm so sorry.
499
00:19:55,132 --> 00:19:59,668
I was trying to win an
argument that nobody can win.
500
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:02,971
That's okay. We were both wrong.
501
00:20:04,091 --> 00:20:06,008
I don't wanna win anymore.
502
00:20:06,060 --> 00:20:08,010
Neither do I.
503
00:20:09,063 --> 00:20:11,063
I just wanna be with you.
504
00:20:16,646 --> 00:20:17,665
Ben: Can you believe it?
505
00:20:17,865 --> 00:20:19,832
Uncle Danny and Aunt
Riley are back together,
506
00:20:19,867 --> 00:20:21,711
and Daddy scored a date with Sam.
507
00:20:21,811 --> 00:20:23,812
But right now, I get to
spend the night
508
00:20:23,846 --> 00:20:25,513
with my best girl.
509
00:20:25,548 --> 00:20:26,614
I love you, baby.
510
00:20:26,649 --> 00:20:28,750
I love you, Daddy.
511
00:20:28,784 --> 00:20:31,019
Think you're ready
for a chair of your own?
512
00:20:31,053 --> 00:20:32,520
Yeah.
513
00:20:32,555 --> 00:20:35,123
Here we go.
514
00:20:35,157 --> 00:20:36,925
Can I grab you a cold one?
515
00:20:39,829 --> 00:20:41,296
There you go.
516
00:20:42,865 --> 00:20:45,033
-Cheers.
-Cheers.
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