subtitlecat.com

All language subtitles for Bill.2015.720p.BluRay.x264.[YTS.MX]-English

Afrikaans

Albanian

Amharic

Arabic

Armenian

Azerbaijani

Basque

Belarusian

Bengali

Bosnian

Bulgarian

Catalan

Cebuano

Chichewa

Chinese (Simplified) Download

Chinese (Traditional)

Corsican

Croatian

Czech

Danish

Dutch

English Download

Esperanto

Estonian

Filipino

Finnish

French

Frisian

Galician

Georgian

German

Greek

Gujarati

Haitian Creole

Hausa

Hawaiian

Hebrew

Hindi

Hmong

Hungarian

Icelandic

Igbo

Indonesian

Irish

Italian

Japanese

Javanese

Kannada

Kazakh

Khmer

Korean

Kurdish (Kurmanji)

Kyrgyz

Lao

Latin

Latvian

Lithuanian

Luxembourgish

Macedonian

Malagasy

Malay

Malayalam

Maltese

Maori

Marathi

Mongolian

Myanmar (Burmese)

Nepali

Norwegian

Pashto

Persian

Polish

Portuguese

Punjabi

Romanian

Russian

Samoan

Scots Gaelic

Serbian

Sesotho

Shona

Sindhi

Sinhala

Slovak

Slovenian

Somali

Spanish

Sundanese

Swahili

Swedish

Tajik

Tamil

Telugu

Thai

Turkish

Ukrainian

Urdu

Uzbek

Vietnamese

Welsh

Xhosa

Yiddish

Yoruba

Zulu

Odia (Oriya)

Kinyarwanda

Turkmen

Tatar

Uyghur

Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:02:03,727 --> 00:02:05,652 Oh... por favor. 2 00:02:07,346 --> 00:02:08,762 Holy Maria. 3 00:02:12,625 --> 00:02:14,671 Please, I... 4 00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:47,076 Well, well, well, well. 5 00:02:47,193 --> 00:02:49,154 If it isn't Sir Richard Hawkins. 6 00:02:49,279 --> 00:02:54,183 Thieving English privateer and pain in the bum hole. 7 00:02:54,430 --> 00:02:56,222 Is that you, Phil? 8 00:02:54,346 --> 00:02:56,647 King Phil... ip. 9 00:02:57,122 --> 00:02:59,000 I thought so. 10 00:02:59,003 --> 00:03:01,098 - You don't mind if I...? - Oh, no, no, no, no. 11 00:02:59,987 --> 00:03:03,402 - You carry on. Fill your boots. - That's very decent of you. 12 00:03:03,521 --> 00:03:05,785 Hm-mm-mm. 13 00:03:05,905 --> 00:03:08,726 Love to stop for a portrait, but er... must dash. 14 00:03:09,277 --> 00:03:12,134 Do look me up if ever one of your Armadas pans out 15 00:03:13,057 --> 00:03:15,358 and I'll take you out in London. 16 00:03:15,483 --> 00:03:18,305 - My treat. - I'll be sure to pop it in the diary. 17 00:03:20,022 --> 00:03:23,388 You seem very chipper for someone being robbed. 18 00:03:21,912 --> 00:03:25,110 No, it's just I'm a... a little bit excited. 19 00:03:26,233 --> 00:03:29,394 You see, I'm interested to see how you're gonna get out of this one. 20 00:03:30,703 --> 00:03:33,173 It's a round room, no corners, two exits. 21 00:03:34,500 --> 00:03:37,055 Not exactly holding all the cards there, Phil. 22 00:03:37,182 --> 00:03:39,737 Have you forgotten the first rule of espionage? 23 00:03:40,032 --> 00:03:42,636 No. Always hide in plain sight. 24 00:03:42,957 --> 00:03:45,864 Mr Hawkins. 25 00:03:50,562 --> 00:03:52,608 Oh, bugger. 26 00:03:53,819 --> 00:03:55,054 Take him. 27 00:03:56,714 --> 00:03:58,675 Get him up! 28 00:04:00,162 --> 00:04:04,303 I sail under the sovereign protection of Queen Elizabeth 29 00:04:04,419 --> 00:04:06,635 and she will not stand for this! 30 00:04:08,719 --> 00:04:10,680 Good. 31 00:04:16,595 --> 00:04:18,556 I'm counting on it. 32 00:04:26,046 --> 00:04:29,122 Make way! 33 00:04:29,239 --> 00:04:30,995 Make way! 34 00:04:31,112 --> 00:04:32,310 Aaargh! 35 00:04:32,857 --> 00:04:34,952 Make Way! 36 00:04:35,668 --> 00:04:37,629 I don't suppose you could...? 37 00:04:37,754 --> 00:04:39,123 He's gone. 38 00:04:40,797 --> 00:04:42,759 Make way! 39 00:04:44,501 --> 00:04:46,087 Letter for Her Majesty. 40 00:04:46,631 --> 00:04:48,301 Where is she? 41 00:04:48,539 --> 00:04:50,539 - Undressing. What is it? - King Philip ll of Spain. 42 00:04:52,005 --> 00:04:53,120 It would seem... 43 00:04:54,773 --> 00:04:56,396 "he's captured Sir Richard. 44 00:04:57,710 --> 00:04:59,721 Hawkins? 45 00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:03,426 I agree, Your Majesty, 46 00:05:03,542 --> 00:05:06,449 Hawkins is a most valuable asset 47 00:05:06,565 --> 00:05:11,130 and we all want him back out there robbing the Spanishes. 48 00:05:11,248 --> 00:05:15,208 But diplomacy is our only option. 49 00:05:15,803 --> 00:05:18,188 - A summit with King Philip. - Ooh! 50 00:05:18,315 --> 00:05:21,512 As your father, King Henry, always said, 51 00:05:21,635 --> 00:05:26,031 "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." 52 00:05:27,085 --> 00:05:29,470 And a lot of stuff about women that I never really... 53 00:05:29,596 --> 00:05:31,607 - Will there be dancing? - What about a joust? 54 00:05:31,725 --> 00:05:33,263 - Kiss chase. - Sex wrestling. 55 00:05:33,385 --> 00:05:36,159 - Perhaps a nice play. - I hardly think we need to... 56 00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:38,327 Wait. 57 00:05:38,451 --> 00:05:42,374 Who said... a play? 58 00:06:06,889 --> 00:06:08,682 I'll get you! 59 00:06:23,194 --> 00:06:25,750 Bill! Bill! 60 00:06:27,962 --> 00:06:31,160 - What? - Your friends are here. 61 00:06:34,348 --> 00:06:36,310 Ladies and gentlemen, 62 00:06:36,434 --> 00:06:39,425 gently to hear, kindly to judge, 63 00:06:39,542 --> 00:06:41,976 we are... Mortal Coil. 64 00:07:27,979 --> 00:07:30,025 - It's not you. - It is you. 65 00:07:30,703 --> 00:07:32,581 It is you. 66 00:07:32,704 --> 00:07:34,620 Maybe you're destined for something different. 67 00:07:34,663 --> 00:07:35,946 Like what? 68 00:07:36,067 --> 00:07:37,945 - Erm... - Er... 69 00:07:38,622 --> 00:07:41,358 - Cooking. - Anyway, we'd better... 70 00:07:42,453 --> 00:07:43,870 "shuffle off. 71 00:07:44,795 --> 00:07:46,163 Sorry, Bill. 72 00:07:48,413 --> 00:07:50,120 Sorry, Bill. 73 00:07:54,757 --> 00:07:56,718 I thought his name was Phil. 74 00:08:03,974 --> 00:08:06,020 I knew something like this was gonna happen. 75 00:08:06,826 --> 00:08:09,684 - Talent jealousy. - You'll get over that. 76 00:08:10,189 --> 00:08:11,473 Not me. Them. 77 00:08:11,977 --> 00:08:14,157 Well, I will call in at the butcher's tomorrow 78 00:08:14,276 --> 00:08:16,625 and see if he still needs someone in the afternoons. 79 00:08:16,745 --> 00:08:18,840 Whoa, Anne. 80 00:08:18,959 --> 00:08:21,817 I'm not gonna go and work in some butcher's. 81 00:08:21,939 --> 00:08:25,475 But you said if things didn't work out with the band, you'd get a proper job. 82 00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:27,053 - You promised. - I know. 83 00:08:27,175 --> 00:08:29,137 And I have. 84 00:08:30,922 --> 00:08:33,138 I've written a great work for the stage. 85 00:08:34,498 --> 00:08:36,205 - What? - I'm a writer now. 86 00:08:36,328 --> 00:08:37,914 - Oh, my God. - What? 87 00:08:38,031 --> 00:08:40,502 Bill, you're not a writer. 88 00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:43,997 - What's this, then? Scottish mist? - Scotch mist. 89 00:08:44,119 --> 00:08:46,335 This is why you're not a writer. 90 00:08:46,461 --> 00:08:48,846 Oh! It's just another fad, Bill. 91 00:08:48,972 --> 00:08:52,641 Just like the acting, the band, the interpretive dance. 92 00:08:52,761 --> 00:08:55,535 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. This is different. 93 00:08:55,954 --> 00:08:58,776 It's like the words flow through me. 94 00:08:59,275 --> 00:09:01,709 Like I'm the east and they're the sun. 95 00:09:03,064 --> 00:09:04,904 - Well, not that, but... - Bill... 96 00:09:05,022 --> 00:09:08,812 Writing scripts isn't a job, not in Stratford. 97 00:09:08,938 --> 00:09:11,494 You need theatres and patrons and... 98 00:09:14,047 --> 00:09:15,718 - No. - Just think about it. 99 00:09:14,835 --> 00:09:17,947 There is no way that you are moving our entire family 100 00:09:18,071 --> 00:09:21,352 - down to that bloody London! - ..a talented young writer in London. 101 00:09:22,754 --> 00:09:24,969 You wanna go to London? You go to London. 102 00:09:25,563 --> 00:09:27,403 But me and the kids are not going with you. 103 00:09:27,522 --> 00:09:30,548 You're 30 years old. It's time you grew up. 104 00:09:30,672 --> 00:09:34,087 - What, and give up my dreams? - They're just dreams. 105 00:09:35,951 --> 00:09:37,743 Oh! 106 00:09:37,867 --> 00:09:43,025 Well... we'll see who the dreamer is, sweetheart 107 00:09:43,699 --> 00:09:47,114 That London is not gonna know what hit it. 108 00:09:47,786 --> 00:09:50,692 People will remember the name Shakespeare... 109 00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:52,037 20 years from now! 110 00:10:17,363 --> 00:10:19,410 To each their dreams. 111 00:10:46,568 --> 00:10:48,020 - Earl of Essex. - Of course, sir. 112 00:10:48,143 --> 00:10:50,104 - Earl of Essex! - Earl of Essex! 113 00:10:50,229 --> 00:10:51,682 - Oxford. - Of course, sir. 114 00:10:51,804 --> 00:10:53,729 - Earl of Oxford! - Earl of O! 115 00:10:53,847 --> 00:10:55,264 - Croydon. - Of course, sir. 116 00:10:55,380 --> 00:10:57,219 Straight out the front gate, down the road towards Penge. 117 00:10:57,347 --> 00:10:59,563 Now, you need to veer left when you hit a stream. 118 00:10:59,631 --> 00:11:04,196 No, I don't want to go to Croydon. I am Croydon. 119 00:11:04,614 --> 00:11:06,625 The Earl of Croydon. 120 00:11:06,843 --> 00:11:08,428 - Barry. - Yeah? 121 00:11:08,546 --> 00:11:10,844 - You got a Croydon down there? - I was here yesterday. 122 00:11:10,887 --> 00:11:13,963 - All right. - Er... Got a Chester. 123 00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:15,363 Cornwall? 124 00:11:15,485 --> 00:11:17,615 - Got a Crawley. - Yes, that's me. 125 00:11:17,741 --> 00:11:21,447 - But you just said Croydon. - There is no Earl of Crawley. 126 00:11:21,573 --> 00:11:23,752 That's me. Your list is wrong. 127 00:11:23,871 --> 00:11:26,898 We've gotta go by the list, sir. A lot of Catholics about, you see. 128 00:11:27,022 --> 00:11:29,068 You can't just let anybody in. 129 00:11:30,129 --> 00:11:31,631 But he just... 130 00:11:31,747 --> 00:11:36,143 Ah. Southampton, would you please tell these idiots who I am? 131 00:11:36,260 --> 00:11:39,203 Yes, Crawley, isn't it? 132 00:11:39,325 --> 00:11:41,372 - Earl of Crawley. - Curly Wurly. 133 00:11:43,530 --> 00:11:49,161 So no jokes at all as such. We go out and do funny observations. 134 00:11:52,044 --> 00:11:54,091 I'd stick to the juggling. 135 00:11:55,109 --> 00:11:58,100 I pulled his finger. Turned out he had dysentery. 136 00:11:59,622 --> 00:12:00,687 Ha, ha, ha. 137 00:12:00,814 --> 00:12:03,550 - Anyone seen a spare chair or...? - Drake, darling. 138 00:12:03,666 --> 00:12:06,402 Are you still harping on about your little pleasure cruise? 139 00:12:06,518 --> 00:12:09,376 - Oooh! - Oooh-hoo-hoo-hoo! 140 00:12:09,498 --> 00:12:12,998 You're still burning your way through all your daddy's hard-earned money? 141 00:12:13,117 --> 00:12:15,587 Oooh-hoo-hoo! 142 00:12:15,714 --> 00:12:18,657 I'm trying, love. Investing in the ans now. 143 00:12:18,779 --> 00:12:20,317 It's like pouring it down a privy. 144 00:12:24,313 --> 00:12:26,021 Oh, and have you erm...? 145 00:12:26,144 --> 00:12:29,729 Oh, yes. Three tankards of mead and just a bowl of those crispy pork things. 146 00:12:29,848 --> 00:12:31,725 - I'm the Earl of Croy... - Now, get this. 147 00:12:31,849 --> 00:12:33,943 - Go on, the one about the sailor. - Oh! 148 00:12:34,062 --> 00:12:37,938 Now, this... I warn you, you'll have to mark this one "Not safe for work." 149 00:12:38,064 --> 00:12:39,942 No, seriously. 150 00:12:40,065 --> 00:12:43,056 He calls it an apartment, but it's just a hut with... 151 00:12:43,173 --> 00:12:45,219 Hang on. 152 00:12:48,239 --> 00:12:50,249 I love this one. 153 00:12:59,435 --> 00:13:02,039 Is it true as well that during the battle of the Armada 154 00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:04,037 they slept between two and five pm? 155 00:13:04,161 --> 00:13:06,934 Yeah, mostly. We'd stop fighting and they'd go and have a lie down 156 00:13:07,056 --> 00:13:08,812 or go and chuck dads at a board. 157 00:13:08,929 --> 00:13:10,515 Hey, where's our drinks? 158 00:13:10,632 --> 00:13:13,659 - Where are our drinks? - I am the Earl of Croydon. 159 00:13:13,782 --> 00:13:16,725 I fetch drinks for no man. 160 00:13:16,847 --> 00:13:18,300 - Thank you. - You're welcome. 161 00:13:18,466 --> 00:13:21,711 - Here's your tip. - Oh. "Ha-ha-ha!" 162 00:13:21,829 --> 00:13:23,331 Oh, hilarious. 163 00:13:23,447 --> 00:13:25,203 It's a jesters' convention. 164 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:29,461 "Ooh, I sailed around the world. Look at me, everyone. Ooh!" 165 00:13:29,577 --> 00:13:31,708 You're no better than me! 166 00:13:32,727 --> 00:13:35,585 - I do stuff. - Like what, exactly? 167 00:13:35,707 --> 00:13:38,734 Well, I do... er... 168 00:13:41,284 --> 00:13:43,246 juggling. 169 00:13:44,733 --> 00:13:46,694 Fire eating. 170 00:13:47,542 --> 00:13:50,449 Ah! I'm a prostitu... 171 00:13:50,565 --> 00:13:52,527 No, sir. 172 00:13:57,079 --> 00:13:58,616 Writering. 173 00:13:58,739 --> 00:14:00,785 Writering? Writering. 174 00:14:01,847 --> 00:14:04,026 I am a writer. 175 00:14:04,145 --> 00:14:06,882 - No, you're not, darling. - How dare you! 176 00:14:08,275 --> 00:14:12,537 I'm the finest writer in all of England! 177 00:14:12,660 --> 00:14:14,706 Are you, now? 178 00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:18,195 Who is it? 179 00:14:21,013 --> 00:14:23,278 Indeed I am, Your Majesty. 180 00:14:23,397 --> 00:14:25,443 Why, how very fortuitous, Lord... 181 00:14:27,228 --> 00:14:29,068 Ooh, I want to say Crawley. 182 00:14:29,187 --> 00:14:32,977 Croydon, Your Majesty. The Earl of Croydon. 183 00:14:33,657 --> 00:14:35,703 Crawley is down towards Horsham. 184 00:14:35,828 --> 00:14:37,922 Croydon is... um... 185 00:14:38,297 --> 00:14:40,562 Do you know Penge at all? 186 00:14:40,681 --> 00:14:42,642 I don't care. 187 00:14:42,767 --> 00:14:48,518 There is to be a diplomatic summit with our beloved cousin, 188 00:14:48,642 --> 00:14:51,330 King Philip ll of Spain. 189 00:14:51,452 --> 00:14:54,225 - King Philip ll of Spain. - Spain. 190 00:14:55,124 --> 00:14:56,576 Sorry. 191 00:14:56,699 --> 00:15:00,925 And what better centrepiece to this fine event... 192 00:15:01,222 --> 00:15:06,296 than a demonstration of our great nation's... 193 00:15:07,438 --> 00:15:10,174 utter dominance in the ads? 194 00:15:12,036 --> 00:15:17,400 A play penned by one of my very own courtiers. 195 00:15:18,762 --> 00:15:22,637 And we shall be most pleased to hear this play of yours. 196 00:15:23,062 --> 00:15:28,644 Because you know what happens if we're displeased. 197 00:15:31,959 --> 00:15:35,035 - Sorry, you do know what happens if... - Yep. Yes, yeah. 198 00:15:37,536 --> 00:15:39,498 Oh, no, that's gone. 199 00:16:00,122 --> 00:16:01,538 Si. 200 00:16:08,679 --> 00:16:10,302 Ooh! 201 00:16:18,768 --> 00:16:20,646 What is the score, Your Majesty? 202 00:16:22,259 --> 00:16:24,439 Juice. 203 00:16:27,198 --> 00:16:30,359 Your Majesty, there is a messenger here to see you. 204 00:16:30,476 --> 00:16:32,606 From England. 205 00:16:32,732 --> 00:16:36,231 "To His Majesty King Philip ll of Spain." 206 00:16:36,351 --> 00:16:37,501 That's me. 207 00:16:37,670 --> 00:16:42,272 "Queen Elizabeth cordially invites you to diplomatic talks in London 208 00:16:42,396 --> 00:16:47,978 to discuss the capture of her most loyal subject, Sir Richard Hawkins." 209 00:16:48,654 --> 00:16:50,700 Actually, I just need to... 210 00:16:53,550 --> 00:16:55,596 I told you she would take the bait. 211 00:16:55,763 --> 00:16:59,384 The rabbit is in the snare. 212 00:17:05,257 --> 00:17:07,218 Your Majesty... 213 00:17:08,109 --> 00:17:10,494 the specialists you requested. 214 00:17:10,663 --> 00:17:12,625 Oh, yes. Talk to me. 215 00:17:12,792 --> 00:17:14,839 Lope Lopez, Your Majesty. 216 00:17:15,559 --> 00:17:17,606 Master of inquisition. 217 00:17:20,285 --> 00:17:22,464 It's for making people talk. 218 00:17:26,883 --> 00:17:29,014 Juan Domingo, Your Majesty. 219 00:17:29,140 --> 00:17:33,015 Espionage. . and weapon-ry. 220 00:17:37,697 --> 00:17:41,196 - Nice. - Actually, I was aiming for the pillar. 221 00:17:42,465 --> 00:17:44,511 Sweaty hands. 222 00:17:45,828 --> 00:17:48,431 And... where's the other one? 223 00:17:48,552 --> 00:17:50,732 Gabriel Montoya, Your Majesty. 224 00:17:51,447 --> 00:17:53,203 Master of disguise. 225 00:17:54,427 --> 00:17:57,758 If you need a milkmaid, Washerwomen or female fisherman, 226 00:17:57,876 --> 00:18:00,261 I am your woman - man. 227 00:18:01,452 --> 00:18:03,244 Man. 228 00:18:02,283 --> 00:18:03,700 OK. 229 00:18:03,816 --> 00:18:05,862 We have been presented with a... 230 00:18:07,818 --> 00:18:10,373 - Why are you here again? - Sorry. Um... 231 00:18:11,734 --> 00:18:14,374 I just need to take food orders for the banquet. 232 00:18:14,501 --> 00:18:17,141 Just so we've got some rough numbers on the mains. 233 00:18:17,269 --> 00:18:19,194 Whatever is fine. I don't care. 234 00:18:19,312 --> 00:18:22,255 Er... l can't eat shellfish. 235 00:18:22,377 --> 00:18:24,388 - What? - Well, prawns are fine. 236 00:18:24,506 --> 00:18:28,005 But... l have to avoid the bivalves. 237 00:18:28,124 --> 00:18:30,135 What... What, what? 238 00:18:30,253 --> 00:18:32,602 Bivalves. You know, er... mussels, 239 00:18:32,722 --> 00:18:35,192 scallops, oysters and... 240 00:18:35,319 --> 00:18:39,327 Oh, what is the one which er... stick out of the sand? 241 00:18:39,448 --> 00:18:41,205 - Razor clams. - Razor clam! 242 00:18:41,322 --> 00:18:42,738 Ai, ai, ai. 243 00:18:42,854 --> 00:18:44,440 And I can't do nuts. 244 00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:46,991 If I even eat a small, itty-bitty nut, 245 00:18:47,111 --> 00:18:50,018 my throat, it expands, it swells like a man's thing. 246 00:18:50,134 --> 00:18:52,265 - And langoustine. - You had that thing with... 247 00:18:52,390 --> 00:18:55,635 - No one's gonna force you to eat nuts. - OK, you know what? Whatever. 248 00:18:55,754 --> 00:18:58,442 - Oh... - Just go now. 249 00:19:00,564 --> 00:19:02,066 Seriously? 250 00:19:04,864 --> 00:19:09,259 We have been presented with a unique opportunity 251 00:19:09,377 --> 00:19:12,574 to rid the world of this Protestant cow, 252 00:19:12,697 --> 00:19:15,471 to strike from within her royal court 253 00:19:16,316 --> 00:19:19,561 This is our Trojan horse. 254 00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:23,171 It doesn't look like a horse. 255 00:19:23,298 --> 00:19:26,966 Well, it's not an actual horse. You know, it's a... a metaphor. 256 00:19:27,129 --> 00:19:28,631 Read a book. 257 00:19:30,024 --> 00:19:33,523 It's a hiding place from which a secret attack can be sprung. 258 00:19:34,835 --> 00:19:38,455 Gentlemen, who would like to kill a queen? 259 00:19:38,581 --> 00:19:40,846 - Yes! - Yes, please! 260 00:19:40,965 --> 00:19:42,926 Yes! 261 00:19:47,606 --> 00:19:49,568 Yes! 262 00:19:57,185 --> 00:19:58,941 OK, what is this? Some kind of veneer? 263 00:19:59,058 --> 00:20:02,170 You need a softer wood, like a balsa, something like that. 264 00:20:02,293 --> 00:20:04,337 - Or do the chair. - Stick it in the chair maybe. 265 00:20:04,379 --> 00:20:06,426 - Try the chair. - You'll ruin the chair. 266 00:20:17,524 --> 00:20:19,486 You been before? 267 00:20:22,079 --> 00:20:24,464 - No, first time. - Oooh. 268 00:20:25,144 --> 00:20:27,191 It's nice. You'll like it. 269 00:20:28,848 --> 00:20:32,602 - Don't steal anything. - Yeah. 270 00:20:43,152 --> 00:20:45,926 - Wait for me. - This way. 271 00:20:46,047 --> 00:20:48,009 - Here! - Tom! 272 00:20:52,390 --> 00:20:54,352 London. 273 00:21:27,768 --> 00:21:29,560 - Yeah, well, it's mostly pork. - Right. 274 00:21:29,683 --> 00:21:32,965 - When you say mostly pork, what"? - Well, mostly pork and other stuff. 275 00:21:33,515 --> 00:21:35,646 - It doesn't matter. It's only for him. - Yeah. 276 00:21:35,771 --> 00:21:37,357 Right. 277 00:21:57,920 --> 00:22:00,524 Ian! 278 00:22:02,092 --> 00:22:03,800 Ian! 279 00:22:04,732 --> 00:22:06,052 MY Lord. 280 00:22:06,179 --> 00:22:08,141 Why did you let me get drunk? 281 00:22:08,265 --> 00:22:09,972 - I wasn't there. - Exactly. 282 00:22:10,138 --> 00:22:12,233 Look what happened. 283 00:22:12,352 --> 00:22:14,145 Now I have to write this incredible play 284 00:22:14,268 --> 00:22:17,295 or some power-crazed lunatic's going to chop my head off. 285 00:22:17,418 --> 00:22:20,409 - Well, report him to the Queen. - I'm talking about the Queen. 286 00:22:22,186 --> 00:22:24,960 And stop leaving me multiple chamber pots. 287 00:22:25,464 --> 00:22:27,135 It's very confusing. 288 00:22:27,295 --> 00:22:29,475 Sun... 289 00:22:29,594 --> 00:22:32,028 I suppose writing a play can't be that hard, can it? 290 00:22:32,148 --> 00:22:34,243 I mean, it's just... 291 00:22:34,362 --> 00:22:37,607 talking, isn't it, but... written down. 292 00:22:39,045 --> 00:22:41,091 "Hello. I'm a man in a play." 293 00:22:41,216 --> 00:22:43,601 "Hello. I'm a woman in a play." 294 00:22:43,728 --> 00:22:46,501 Oh, this is easy. 295 00:22:46,623 --> 00:22:48,246 - Ian? - Hm? 296 00:22:48,368 --> 00:22:50,415 Go out and fetch me paper and quills. 297 00:22:50,582 --> 00:22:54,808 I'm going to put Croydon on the map. 298 00:23:07,995 --> 00:23:10,005 Good day to you, sir. 299 00:23:10,123 --> 00:23:12,303 I am a dramatist from a distant vale 300 00:23:12,422 --> 00:23:15,534 who comes to London seeking fame and fortune. 301 00:23:15,658 --> 00:23:17,829 Would you be so kind as to point me in the direction 302 00:23:17,914 --> 00:23:19,791 of the city's most reputable theatre? 303 00:23:20,511 --> 00:23:21,879 Ha. 304 00:23:26,641 --> 00:23:28,688 The theatres are closed, my friend. 305 00:23:29,366 --> 00:23:31,751 Plague. It's killing the ads. 306 00:23:31,877 --> 00:23:34,311 And people. I heard. 307 00:23:34,900 --> 00:23:37,370 It's taken my play. It might as well have its audience. 308 00:23:37,539 --> 00:23:38,823 You're a writer? 309 00:23:38,944 --> 00:23:40,700 I'm a writer too. 310 00:23:46,054 --> 00:23:48,609 Shakespeare. Bill Shakespeare. 311 00:23:48,736 --> 00:23:49,886 Christopher Marlowe. 312 00:23:50,013 --> 00:23:51,890 So, what son of stuff do you write, Chris? 313 00:23:52,014 --> 00:23:55,126 Drama, tragedies, tales of betrayal and revenge. 314 00:23:55,675 --> 00:23:57,431 Frailties of the human condition. 315 00:23:57,846 --> 00:24:00,026 - You? - Bum jokes. 316 00:24:00,656 --> 00:24:03,126 People hit by sticks. Comedy. 317 00:24:04,147 --> 00:24:06,194 - Comedy? - You know, like erm... 318 00:24:08,745 --> 00:24:10,706 I see your mum's in. 319 00:24:10,831 --> 00:24:12,199 That's not my mother. 320 00:24:12,321 --> 00:24:15,094 That's not what your sister told me. 321 00:24:17,770 --> 00:24:20,543 - That's a man. - That's what makes it funny. 322 00:24:21,261 --> 00:24:24,373 - You're not from London, are you, Bill? - No, Stratford. 323 00:24:25,135 --> 00:24:27,956 Just came down here to try and get this baby into a theatre or... 324 00:24:28,072 --> 00:24:30,373 Look, I'm the most successful playwright in London 325 00:24:30,499 --> 00:24:33,490 and I can't even buy a house without borrowing money. 326 00:24:33,873 --> 00:24:35,629 I mean, imagine that. 327 00:24:36,300 --> 00:24:38,140 If I can't make a living from the theatre, 328 00:24:38,258 --> 00:24:41,115 I hardly see the works of Shakespeare taking the world by storm. 329 00:24:42,174 --> 00:24:44,136 I see. 330 00:24:45,069 --> 00:24:49,211 - Do you act? - Well, I've... trodded the boards. 331 00:24:51,157 --> 00:24:53,119 I'm thinking about going for this thing. 332 00:24:53,243 --> 00:24:55,205 It's not much, but it's money. 333 00:24:56,064 --> 00:24:58,837 It's a two-hander, so... if you wanna come along... 334 00:24:59,555 --> 00:25:00,790 Thank you. 335 00:25:03,003 --> 00:25:05,739 Don't thank me. 336 00:25:05,855 --> 00:25:08,374 Thank your mother who is dead. 337 00:25:09,644 --> 00:25:13,313 - What? - Not like that, then? 338 00:25:14,285 --> 00:25:17,784 Oh, no. No, never like that. 339 00:25:19,223 --> 00:25:21,862 Right. Interesting. 340 00:25:24,198 --> 00:25:28,158 So, this thing, is it a meaty role? 341 00:25:28,285 --> 00:25:29,568 Not exactly. 342 00:25:29,690 --> 00:25:31,784 - Vegetables! - Vegetables. 343 00:25:32,499 --> 00:25:35,139 Madam, why not try some vegetables with your meat? 344 00:25:36,629 --> 00:25:40,249 Try some vegetables? They're really good for you. And they help you poo. 345 00:25:40,375 --> 00:25:41,744 Get 'em right down. 346 00:25:44,079 --> 00:25:46,040 Are you cold? 347 00:25:47,229 --> 00:25:48,985 I'm cold. 348 00:25:53,658 --> 00:25:55,837 Sssh. 349 00:25:55,956 --> 00:26:00,473 - Walsingham. I thought you were dead. - No, just in deep cover. 350 00:26:01,916 --> 00:26:04,556 - But it was an open casket. - Yeah, it was very deep. 351 00:26:05,578 --> 00:26:09,417 Listen, Molly... I need some information. 352 00:26:10,101 --> 00:26:12,317 Is it true, about this summit? 353 00:26:12,443 --> 00:26:14,489 Oh, yes, here at the palace on the 7th. 354 00:26:15,295 --> 00:26:17,850 - I hear the Spanish are hunky. - Well, you hear wrong! 355 00:26:17,977 --> 00:26:22,118 Catholics can't put on muscle mass because God hates them. 356 00:26:22,234 --> 00:26:26,715 They've no muscle and no backbone, like snakes. 357 00:26:27,385 --> 00:26:29,734 Surely snakes are all backbone. No? 358 00:26:30,493 --> 00:26:33,351 - Well, like worms, then. - Oh, no, worms are all muscle. 359 00:26:33,473 --> 00:26:38,414 - Someone knows a lot about Catholics. - No, no, just... garden creatures. 360 00:26:40,157 --> 00:26:42,627 Hm... One can't be too careful, Molly. 361 00:26:43,350 --> 00:26:44,718 They're everywhere, you know. 362 00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:50,035 The Catholic threat may be sleeping now, but it will soon awaken like a... 363 00:26:51,418 --> 00:26:53,512 - Bear? - Yes. 364 00:26:53,631 --> 00:26:55,084 Good. 365 00:26:55,206 --> 00:26:58,064 Like a non-muscular, spineless bear! 366 00:27:00,741 --> 00:27:04,616 - Uh... False alarm. - So we're safe, then? 367 00:27:05,637 --> 00:27:07,222 Safe? Ha! 368 00:27:07,339 --> 00:27:09,604 If the Catholics are so weak and spineless... 369 00:27:09,723 --> 00:27:11,939 What they lack in muscular, skeletal integrity, 370 00:27:12,065 --> 00:27:14,584 they more than make up for in cunning. 371 00:27:16,407 --> 00:27:19,047 They'll be hatching plots as we speak. 372 00:27:19,174 --> 00:27:20,931 Well, should I tell the old... 373 00:27:21,048 --> 00:27:23,094 - Majesty? - No. 374 00:27:23,017 --> 00:27:25,874 I will be her eyes and ears and mouth. 375 00:27:26,593 --> 00:27:28,095 No, not mouth. 376 00:27:28,211 --> 00:27:33,842 Just tell her Sir Francis Walsingham is back and I remain, as always, 377 00:27:33,958 --> 00:27:36,223 her most faithful servant. 378 00:27:53,457 --> 00:27:55,249 We are close. Disguises on. 379 00:28:01,503 --> 00:28:03,259 - Boss. - What is it? 380 00:28:03,376 --> 00:28:04,878 I don't understand. 381 00:28:04,994 --> 00:28:10,492 If you have been invited to England, why do we have to sneak ashore like this? 382 00:28:12,316 --> 00:28:14,617 Because, Juan, one: 383 00:28:14,742 --> 00:28:17,649 the invitation was for me and my closest advisors, 384 00:28:17,765 --> 00:28:19,860 not a group of trained assassins. 385 00:28:20,447 --> 00:28:22,325 They were very clear about that. 386 00:28:22,448 --> 00:28:25,391 And two, Juan: an assassination like this, 387 00:28:25,513 --> 00:28:27,983 it takes time and planning. 388 00:28:28,834 --> 00:28:31,135 People don't just kill themselves. 389 00:28:32,452 --> 00:28:34,499 My cousin did. 390 00:28:49,141 --> 00:28:51,660 Sleep well this night, dear Queen. 391 00:28:51,993 --> 00:28:54,681 Soon this land shall be mine. 392 00:28:59,698 --> 00:29:02,338 Boss, I have some bad news. 393 00:29:06,212 --> 00:29:08,173 We forgot the horse. 394 00:29:11,927 --> 00:29:14,107 Gentlemen, good evening. 395 00:29:15,631 --> 00:29:18,187 And welcome... to England. 396 00:29:18,526 --> 00:29:22,874 If you'd just like to follow me up to Customs, we'll get you checked in, OK? 397 00:29:24,580 --> 00:29:27,692 You land us here? I said clandestine. 398 00:29:33,563 --> 00:29:35,864 I don't know what that means. 399 00:29:37,139 --> 00:29:40,760 One donkey, straw, made thereof. 400 00:29:42,120 --> 00:29:45,063 All... righty, Richard. 401 00:29:45,185 --> 00:29:50,344 If you'd like to shimmy that one along and pop the next one sur la table. 402 00:29:51,102 --> 00:29:54,214 Strapping lads, like my sons would have been. 403 00:29:54,338 --> 00:29:56,178 The plague. 404 00:29:56,296 --> 00:29:58,730 Let's have a look. What have we got here? 405 00:30:04,513 --> 00:30:07,249 OK. Ours is not to judge prior... 406 00:30:08,521 --> 00:30:10,532 What's this? 407 00:30:10,650 --> 00:30:13,423 - It's for making peo... - Gazpacho. 408 00:30:13,545 --> 00:30:17,553 It's for making gazpacho. It's a... cold soup. 409 00:30:18,142 --> 00:30:20,273 It's very nice. 410 00:30:30,233 --> 00:30:33,817 Well, everything seems to be in order. Enjoy your stay. 411 00:30:36,619 --> 00:30:38,665 Psst. Sir. 412 00:30:43,686 --> 00:30:46,034 - King Philip ll of Spain? - Yes. 413 00:30:47,560 --> 00:30:50,550 Oh. Very clever. 414 00:31:14,198 --> 00:31:17,140 - Morning. - Walsingham. 415 00:31:18,923 --> 00:31:22,338 - I thought you were dead. - Don't believe everything you read. 416 00:31:22,457 --> 00:31:24,551 - I can't read. - Good. 417 00:31:25,820 --> 00:31:27,781 - Any survivors? - No, sir. 418 00:31:28,033 --> 00:31:30,249 Whoever it was did a thorough job. 419 00:31:34,121 --> 00:31:37,197 We did get one of theirs, sir. No idea who they are. 420 00:31:44,764 --> 00:31:46,726 Catholics. 421 00:31:47,063 --> 00:31:48,686 The game is afoot. 422 00:31:51,235 --> 00:31:53,282 This is heavy. 423 00:31:55,407 --> 00:31:57,623 Wait. That might be our man. 424 00:32:08,519 --> 00:32:12,782 The weather in London is unseasonably cold for this time of year. 425 00:32:13,500 --> 00:32:18,780 But the mynah bird must wait until winter before its song can be heard. 426 00:32:19,397 --> 00:32:21,274 What the hell does that mean? 427 00:32:22,036 --> 00:32:24,810 Honestly, you try and start a conversation with someone... 428 00:32:28,167 --> 00:32:32,477 The weather in London is unseasonably cold for the time of year. 429 00:32:32,594 --> 00:32:35,791 - Are you the secret Catholic contact? - Er... Yes. 430 00:32:35,915 --> 00:32:37,065 No. Um... 431 00:32:38,341 --> 00:32:40,690 - Yes. - OK, let's go. 432 00:32:40,853 --> 00:32:43,323 - Right, yes. This way, Your Majesty. - Come. 433 00:32:44,642 --> 00:32:46,180 Ow. 434 00:32:57,041 --> 00:32:59,052 You're kidding, right? 435 00:32:59,170 --> 00:33:01,809 This is the biggest Protestant church in England. 436 00:33:01,937 --> 00:33:05,812 Last place you'd look for a Catholic hideout, Your Majesty, yes. 437 00:33:06,748 --> 00:33:09,013 - Hide in plain sight. - Ha-ha. 438 00:33:09,855 --> 00:33:13,016 Yes, I like this guy. He's got cojones. 439 00:33:20,498 --> 00:33:23,054 Come along, come along. This way. 440 00:33:23,180 --> 00:33:25,227 Sorry. Sssh. 441 00:33:29,651 --> 00:33:31,613 Over here. 442 00:33:52,279 --> 00:33:55,052 Your Majesty, I think you'll find everything you need. 443 00:34:06,690 --> 00:34:08,228 Jesus Christ. 444 00:34:09,883 --> 00:34:11,554 Sorry. 445 00:34:12,437 --> 00:34:14,023 My sweet angel. 446 00:34:14,140 --> 00:34:15,726 Greetings from that London. 447 00:34:16,439 --> 00:34:20,229 I am delighted to report that despite your slight doubts, 448 00:34:20,355 --> 00:34:23,262 my dreams of success are coming to fruition. 449 00:34:23,804 --> 00:34:26,794 Sorry. Trousers stolen in the night. 450 00:34:28,189 --> 00:34:30,029 Very much not my fault. 451 00:34:30,445 --> 00:34:33,218 I have secured a challenging role performing daily 452 00:34:33,382 --> 00:34:35,562 with renowned dramatist Christopher Marlowe. 453 00:34:36,150 --> 00:34:39,176 I greatly regret the terms on which we parted 454 00:34:39,300 --> 00:34:41,092 and look forward to your reply, 455 00:34:41,216 --> 00:34:43,904 as reading it would provide a welcome distraction 456 00:34:44,025 --> 00:34:47,815 from my tireless schedule of rehearsals, performances and... 457 00:34:47,942 --> 00:34:49,903 Oh, no. 458 00:34:50,965 --> 00:34:53,011 Daddy! 459 00:34:53,359 --> 00:34:56,350 - Daddy! ' Hey, guys! 460 00:34:58,213 --> 00:35:02,560 - Wh... What are you doing here? - I brought the kids to see Daddy. 461 00:35:02,683 --> 00:35:06,182 - And what's Daddy dressed as? - A tomato. 462 00:35:06,301 --> 00:35:07,500 Mm-hm. 463 00:35:07,621 --> 00:35:10,055 And can we think of any plays that a tomato might be in? 464 00:35:11,410 --> 00:35:14,013 - Gosh, well, there's... - Look, kids. 465 00:35:14,135 --> 00:35:17,670 - A human statue. - No, he's... dead. 466 00:35:18,860 --> 00:35:21,379 Oh, look. A juggler. Go and have a look. Go on. 467 00:35:22,064 --> 00:35:24,703 - Wow. - So this is it, is it? 468 00:35:25,384 --> 00:35:30,664 - This is your big, challenging role? - OK, I admit I'm not on the stage yet. 469 00:35:30,834 --> 00:35:32,419 But I'm making inroads. 470 00:35:32,536 --> 00:35:35,781 If I work really hard, I could be the next Christopher Marlowe. 471 00:35:37,134 --> 00:35:38,974 Oh, this is Christopher Marlowe. 472 00:35:39,092 --> 00:35:41,394 Chris, Anne. Anne, Chris. 473 00:35:41,562 --> 00:35:44,383 - Hello. - I'm staying with Aunt Jane. 474 00:35:44,925 --> 00:35:47,056 Have them back by three. 475 00:35:47,181 --> 00:35:50,003 Anne, please, give me a chance. 476 00:35:50,544 --> 00:35:54,165 Enter our hero. Let's call him Hero. 477 00:35:54,887 --> 00:35:56,848 Erm... Blah, blah, blah... 478 00:35:56,973 --> 00:36:00,049 Oh, God. Writing's hard. 479 00:36:06,701 --> 00:36:09,220 That poor sexy woman. 480 00:36:19,611 --> 00:36:21,791 Hello, my dear. 481 00:36:21,910 --> 00:36:23,193 Going somewhere? 482 00:36:25,316 --> 00:36:27,156 Here, look. Ring and ting. 483 00:36:27,274 --> 00:36:31,669 - Get away from me! - Unhand that beautiful woman, sir! 484 00:36:33,532 --> 00:36:35,833 What's the matter with you? Cowards? 485 00:36:36,512 --> 00:36:38,135 Get him. 486 00:36:39,535 --> 00:36:41,629 Yeah. 487 00:36:45,197 --> 00:36:47,243 Aaaah! 488 00:36:52,860 --> 00:36:54,616 Oh. 489 00:36:54,733 --> 00:36:56,694 Bit embarrassing. 490 00:37:04,718 --> 00:37:06,341 Let that be a lesson to you. 491 00:37:08,337 --> 00:37:10,602 Good God. Are you all right? 492 00:37:10,721 --> 00:37:13,579 It's quite hard to tell. I mean, it's deep, but it hasn't gone... 493 00:37:13,701 --> 00:37:15,541 - Oh, right. - Thank you. 494 00:37:15,659 --> 00:37:19,026 Quickly. Poor people are easily startled, but they'll soon be back. 495 00:37:19,746 --> 00:37:21,793 And in greater numbers. Come. 496 00:37:22,598 --> 00:37:24,100 Aaargh! 497 00:37:24,983 --> 00:37:27,889 - Don't dawdle, Ian. - I'll be right with you. 498 00:37:28,644 --> 00:37:30,436 He's had lunch. 499 00:37:30,985 --> 00:37:32,438 And I take his throat out. Nnnyh! 500 00:37:32,560 --> 00:37:34,776 And the blood is... 501 00:37:34,902 --> 00:37:38,232 It's everywhere. It's on the walls, it's on the architraves, on the rugs. 502 00:37:38,350 --> 00:37:40,106 And the Queen, she tries to get away, 503 00:37:40,223 --> 00:37:42,960 but she can't run because she's slipping in all of the blood. 504 00:37:43,076 --> 00:37:46,273 So I grab her by the hair and I pull her round to look at me 505 00:37:46,396 --> 00:37:49,170 and I say, "Knock, knock! Lope's here!" 506 00:37:49,291 --> 00:37:51,725 And she's like, "Oh, no!" And I go, "Shut up!" 507 00:37:51,845 --> 00:37:55,176 And I put my thumbs right into her eyes and when I let go, 508 00:37:55,194 --> 00:37:57,628 the eyes, they plop out and drop down onto the cheeks. 509 00:37:57,598 --> 00:38:00,843 And so I pick up the eyes and I look at them with my eyes and I go, 510 00:38:00,961 --> 00:38:05,188 "Ahh! Do you like that, lady, huh? Do you like that?" 511 00:38:10,306 --> 00:38:12,231 - OK. - Yeah. 512 00:38:14,942 --> 00:38:17,377 Thank you for that, Lope. It's very nice. 513 00:38:18,433 --> 00:38:22,139 - Let's call that plan J. Hm? - Plan J. 514 00:38:22,265 --> 00:38:24,057 OK. 515 00:38:27,373 --> 00:38:29,420 Sorry. Do you want to...? 516 00:38:29,545 --> 00:38:31,591 - Oh. - Hm. 517 00:38:32,738 --> 00:38:36,964 The problem with it is, because of the unfortunate incident on the beach... 518 00:38:37,420 --> 00:38:39,854 the authorities are now on high alert 519 00:38:40,315 --> 00:38:46,491 The issue is now not how we kill the Queen but getting close enough to do it. 520 00:38:46,999 --> 00:38:48,368 Boss, I have an idea. 521 00:38:48,489 --> 00:38:50,874 Does it involve you dressing up as a lady? 522 00:38:52,193 --> 00:38:54,712 - Well, yes. - OK, any other ideas in the room? 523 00:38:54,832 --> 00:38:56,334 No, no, please, please. 524 00:38:56,350 --> 00:38:58,106 Listen. 525 00:38:58,123 --> 00:39:02,131 We need to find a way to get us all inside the palace without raising suspicion. 526 00:39:03,828 --> 00:39:05,584 The play's the thing. 527 00:39:07,202 --> 00:39:09,163 Yes, that's it. 528 00:39:15,029 --> 00:39:18,396 We must find this Earl of Croydon... 529 00:39:19,031 --> 00:39:22,821 for his play is our Trojan horse. 530 00:39:23,586 --> 00:39:25,257 Any questions? 531 00:39:31,121 --> 00:39:35,215 Please come in, relax. Welcome to my humble abode. 532 00:39:35,379 --> 00:39:39,047 - I really don't think this is necessary. - No, no, it's no trouble at all. 533 00:39:39,167 --> 00:39:42,110 - You're in deep shock. - Actually, I don't think I am. 534 00:39:42,233 --> 00:39:44,363 Yeah, that's one of the symptoms. 535 00:39:44,489 --> 00:39:47,734 Ian, would you fetch the lady some brandy, please? 536 00:39:47,852 --> 00:39:49,863 - Brandy. - And nibbles. Fetch some nibbles. 537 00:39:50,492 --> 00:39:52,369 Oh. 538 00:39:52,492 --> 00:39:53,861 So... 539 00:39:53,982 --> 00:39:58,293 - Erm... ls there somewhere I could...? - Oh, yes, of course. 540 00:39:58,793 --> 00:40:00,718 Just up the stairs, second on the left. 541 00:40:17,515 --> 00:40:19,816 Ian, whoever that is, I'm out! 542 00:40:21,133 --> 00:40:23,482 Gentlemen. How may I... 543 00:40:23,602 --> 00:40:24,717 Right. 544 00:40:24,837 --> 00:40:27,477 Seriously, Lope, what is wrong with you? Hm? 545 00:40:27,945 --> 00:40:30,415 - What? - Is this about your dad? 546 00:40:33,437 --> 00:40:35,616 - Ian, who was it? - Some handsome men. 547 00:40:39,610 --> 00:40:41,704 Who the hell are you? 548 00:40:42,802 --> 00:40:46,169 King Philip ll of Spain. 549 00:40:46,293 --> 00:40:47,879 Oh. 550 00:40:48,762 --> 00:40:50,519 Oh, God. Not now. 551 00:40:55,702 --> 00:40:57,832 - Anyway, how are you? - Don't worry. 552 00:40:58,469 --> 00:41:00,988 If I wanted to kill you, you'd be dead already. 553 00:41:01,108 --> 00:41:03,882 What is this, some son of Catholic plot? 554 00:41:06,398 --> 00:41:08,832 A Catholic plot? 555 00:41:10,230 --> 00:41:13,172 No, no, no. I assure you, there is no conspiracy here. 556 00:41:13,295 --> 00:41:17,605 No, no, no. It's just that things between me and your beautiful Queen... 557 00:41:22,118 --> 00:41:25,448 "they have been a little bit... difficult. 558 00:41:25,864 --> 00:41:28,383 So, I was thinking. 559 00:41:29,142 --> 00:41:35,064 How can I demonstrate that our two nations can work together, in harmony? 560 00:41:37,444 --> 00:41:40,047 A half-and-half flag cake? 561 00:41:42,042 --> 00:41:44,172 It's a cake, obviously. 562 00:41:44,298 --> 00:41:46,563 Half of it looks like the English flag. 563 00:41:46,682 --> 00:41:48,099 - Imagine... - The other... 564 00:41:48,215 --> 00:41:51,290 "this great play of yours ends. 565 00:41:51,407 --> 00:41:55,803 People are applauding, they are cheering. 566 00:41:56,923 --> 00:41:59,611 Then you step forward and you say, 567 00:41:59,733 --> 00:42:02,034 "Your Majesty, surprise. 568 00:42:02,159 --> 00:42:05,017 'This play has been a collaboration with our Spanish friends." 569 00:42:05,906 --> 00:42:08,425 She cries. She hugs you. 570 00:42:09,311 --> 00:42:11,660 She gives you Devon. 571 00:42:12,675 --> 00:42:15,363 - I do like Devon. - Who doesn't? 572 00:42:16,080 --> 00:42:21,796 Together... we shall put on a play that will go down in history... 573 00:42:22,381 --> 00:42:25,457 - Wait a minute. ls this it? - Yeah, well, it's not quite finished. 574 00:42:26,170 --> 00:42:28,604 Not quite finished? It's, what, three pages? 575 00:42:28,724 --> 00:42:30,940 It's been a bit of a struggle if I'm honest. 576 00:42:31,066 --> 00:42:33,705 You're telling me. "Hello. I'm a man in a play." 577 00:42:33,833 --> 00:42:35,456 "I am a woman also in a play." 578 00:42:35,471 --> 00:42:38,970 - Talk about clunky exposition. - Well, what do you expect me to do? 579 00:42:39,089 --> 00:42:42,505 Stumble across some unsuspecting young writer with a completed play, 580 00:42:42,623 --> 00:42:45,142 hoodwink him, steal his work and pass it off as my own? 581 00:42:45,162 --> 00:42:48,323 Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't realise you had visitors. 582 00:42:48,340 --> 00:42:50,011 Oh, Anne, 583 00:42:50,071 --> 00:42:52,202 this is erm... 584 00:42:52,296 --> 00:42:55,916 - Geoff... Smith. - Yes. 585 00:42:56,595 --> 00:43:00,603 A theatrical impresario. And these are the... 586 00:43:02,555 --> 00:43:05,377 Cockney Players of Bow. 587 00:43:06,174 --> 00:43:08,305 - All right? - London Town. 588 00:43:08,430 --> 00:43:09,847 Down the rub-a-dub. 589 00:43:09,963 --> 00:43:12,602 You see, I'm putting on a play for the Queen. 590 00:43:12,730 --> 00:43:15,115 If you can find one, mate. 591 00:43:17,583 --> 00:43:20,102 - I'll find one, mate. - Well, you better had. 592 00:43:22,734 --> 00:43:24,865 My husband's written a play. 593 00:43:30,206 --> 00:43:32,943 Can you spare a moment to talk about vegetables at all? 594 00:43:33,059 --> 00:43:34,899 - No. - They're really good for you and... 595 00:43:35,017 --> 00:43:37,063 Hey. What are you doing? 596 00:43:38,125 --> 00:43:39,444 This is a meat market, mate. 597 00:43:39,572 --> 00:43:42,987 This is our patch, not some son of vegetable pa... 598 00:43:44,255 --> 00:43:45,793 Surely there's room enough for... 599 00:43:45,915 --> 00:43:48,010 There some son of problem here, Leslie? 600 00:43:48,172 --> 00:43:50,860 No, no. No problem. 601 00:43:51,364 --> 00:43:54,355 Just a salad that needs addressing. 602 00:43:54,855 --> 00:43:56,272 Ups-a-daisy. 603 00:43:56,388 --> 00:43:59,209 Here, you can't just walk around pushing people about. 604 00:43:59,666 --> 00:44:01,168 What, like that? 605 00:44:03,083 --> 00:44:05,602 Take your veg and stick it! 606 00:44:06,403 --> 00:44:08,074 - All right. - Sorry, mate. 607 00:44:08,191 --> 00:44:10,286 Had a bad day. Fancy a spot of lunch? 608 00:44:09,905 --> 00:44:11,697 We'll get something light. 609 00:44:14,120 --> 00:44:16,130 Phil Shakespeare? 610 00:44:23,954 --> 00:44:25,915 Bring out your dead! 611 00:44:26,380 --> 00:44:27,749 Marlowe. 612 00:44:29,999 --> 00:44:32,215 Bring out your dead! 613 00:44:34,001 --> 00:44:35,151 Who's dead? 614 00:44:42,260 --> 00:44:43,325 Walsingham. 615 00:44:43,452 --> 00:44:46,697 - I thought you were dead. - I'm as alive as the next man. 616 00:44:48,262 --> 00:44:50,647 Just... hiding in plain sight. 617 00:44:51,753 --> 00:44:53,339 In these troubled times, a truly... 618 00:44:56,862 --> 00:44:59,938 - It's a pretty good yield. - Yeah, it's been a good day today. 619 00:45:00,651 --> 00:45:03,557 - Any more dead? - Anyway, down to business. 620 00:45:03,673 --> 00:45:05,768 I need some information. 621 00:45:05,800 --> 00:45:09,760 No, I'm out of the spying game, I told you. I'm now a credible artiste. 622 00:45:10,346 --> 00:45:12,986 There's been a dip in writing work. 623 00:45:14,221 --> 00:45:16,740 - The cucumber's for the dip. - Makes sense. 624 00:45:17,201 --> 00:45:21,681 Well, spy or no spy, I would ask you to keep your ear to the ground 625 00:45:21,798 --> 00:45:24,232 for any signs of a Catholic plot. 626 00:45:24,353 --> 00:45:26,230 - Well, like what? - Well, I don't know. 627 00:45:26,353 --> 00:45:31,427 Er... Priest holes, candles, massive Marys... 628 00:45:31,741 --> 00:45:33,448 big pictures of the Pope. 629 00:45:33,572 --> 00:45:35,751 If you see anything, you can contact me 630 00:45:35,870 --> 00:45:38,219 through the pie stall in the marketplace. 631 00:45:38,808 --> 00:45:43,325 Until next time, then, I'll bid you... adieu. 632 00:45:49,451 --> 00:45:51,582 - Your Majesty. - Hm. 633 00:45:51,707 --> 00:45:53,499 Familiarize yourself with this. 634 00:45:53,623 --> 00:45:55,581 - "Thou shalt be king." - Don't be nervous. 635 00:45:55,666 --> 00:45:57,677 Same for you, Mick. 636 00:45:57,795 --> 00:46:00,822 - I have lady pads. - Erm... 637 00:46:02,648 --> 00:46:06,015 - I have the lady pads? - Oh, yes, I see. 638 00:46:06,139 --> 00:46:08,440 Erm... Yeah, you're playing both female roles. 639 00:46:08,885 --> 00:46:13,959 OK! Suit the action to the word and the word to the action. 640 00:46:14,462 --> 00:46:18,301 Oh, and speak the speech as I pronounced it to you, 641 00:46:18,422 --> 00:46:22,260 because some of you have slightly weird accents. 642 00:46:22,806 --> 00:46:26,306 All-day breakfast. Fish and chips. 643 00:46:28,256 --> 00:46:30,048 Good. Well... 644 00:46:30,767 --> 00:46:33,116 Best of luck, guys. Break a leg. 645 00:46:33,875 --> 00:46:35,292 No problem. 646 00:46:36,089 --> 00:46:38,050 - Nibbles? - No. 647 00:46:38,601 --> 00:46:44,741 Presenting a bold new work for the stage by Bill Shakespeare. 648 00:46:59,993 --> 00:47:01,446 ♪ Two men who look the same 649 00:47:01,569 --> 00:47:03,325 ♪ But have a different aim 650 00:47:03,442 --> 00:47:06,808 ♪ It's a series of funny misunderstandings 651 00:47:07,401 --> 00:47:10,731 ♪ Two twins each with a lover ♪ Who mistake each for the other 652 00:47:10,849 --> 00:47:14,385 ♪ Somehow fall into the service of a mad king 653 00:47:14,510 --> 00:47:16,181 ♪ Take this letter ♪ Wait, there's two 654 00:47:16,341 --> 00:47:18,012 ♪ And they mix up which goes to who 655 00:47:18,140 --> 00:47:21,385 ♪ The comic complications keep expanding 656 00:47:21,503 --> 00:47:25,088 ♪ In a tale so confused You can't help but be amused 657 00:47:25,207 --> 00:47:28,706 ♪ By this series of funny misunderstandings 658 00:47:34,487 --> 00:47:36,158 ♪ A jilted bride ♪ That's not funny 659 00:47:36,275 --> 00:47:38,068 - Pretend she died? - On the money! 660 00:47:38,191 --> 00:47:41,013 ♪ And her poisoned body's hidden by a monk 661 00:47:41,725 --> 00:47:45,224 ♪ Until a fool who's quite smart ♪ He's a fool, that's a start 662 00:47:45,343 --> 00:47:48,165 This monk is nuts ♪ And locks him in a trunk 663 00:47:49,600 --> 00:47:52,931 ♪ And his servant, make him thick Then hit him with a stick 664 00:47:53,091 --> 00:47:56,797 ♪ It's a series of funny misunderstandings 665 00:47:57,668 --> 00:48:01,337 ♪ Cue a mixed-up wedding blessing ♪ Further vexed by more cross-dressing 666 00:48:01,457 --> 00:48:04,315 ♪ Which goes on to heal two families at war 667 00:48:05,076 --> 00:48:08,442 ♪ When the bride they thought was dead comes back with a donkey's head 668 00:48:08,567 --> 00:48:11,037 ♪ But marries anyway because her groom 669 00:48:11,164 --> 00:48:16,491 ♪ Has been drugged by a whore! 670 00:48:17,635 --> 00:48:20,238 ♪ Add a priest, add a lion, add a wrangle over money 671 00:48:20,359 --> 00:48:22,030 ♪ It's too much ♪ I'm confused 672 00:48:22,147 --> 00:48:23,600 ♪ Yes, that's what makes it funny 673 00:48:23,722 --> 00:48:25,393 ♪ Severed heads, star-crossed lovers 674 00:48:25,510 --> 00:48:27,012 ♪ English kings, evil mothers 675 00:48:27,128 --> 00:48:30,580 ♪ With a big happy ending notwithstanding 676 00:48:31,087 --> 00:48:34,623 ♪ We think you'll agree this has turned out to be 677 00:48:34,748 --> 00:48:36,928 ♪ A series of 678 00:48:37,047 --> 00:48:45,562 ♪ Funny misunderstandings! 679 00:48:50,141 --> 00:48:52,151 Oh, God, I'm dead. 680 00:48:59,379 --> 00:49:01,425 I heard about the play. 681 00:49:06,244 --> 00:49:08,338 Sorry, mate. 682 00:49:13,055 --> 00:49:15,102 Why are you dressed as a sausage? 683 00:49:15,822 --> 00:49:18,765 I got turned. Playing for the other team now. 684 00:49:19,696 --> 00:49:21,912 Well, if they need a spare rib, put a word in. 685 00:49:23,187 --> 00:49:26,214 - Looks like I need a change of career. - Oh, come on, Bill. 686 00:49:28,296 --> 00:49:29,616 I'm sure it's not all that bad. 687 00:49:29,743 --> 00:49:34,091 You know, sometimes these things, they seem worse than they actually... are. 688 00:49:34,213 --> 00:49:37,240 Oh, no. Why would you...? 689 00:49:39,503 --> 00:49:42,410 Where's all the...? What the hell's that? 690 00:49:43,335 --> 00:49:45,599 Dance moves. 691 00:49:49,848 --> 00:49:52,197 I'm not a writer, am I? 692 00:49:53,850 --> 00:49:55,642 Just a fad. 693 00:49:57,692 --> 00:50:01,615 Right, first things first - write what you know. 694 00:50:03,269 --> 00:50:04,505 OK? 695 00:50:05,440 --> 00:50:07,402 Well, get a quill. 696 00:50:10,293 --> 00:50:12,255 And ales. 697 00:50:16,083 --> 00:50:19,752 You've just got to take in everything around you. Take in all your surroundings. 698 00:50:59,848 --> 00:51:01,895 ' Yes! ' Yes! 699 00:51:21,304 --> 00:51:23,315 - Ow! - This is not a library. 700 00:51:24,795 --> 00:51:27,484 His Lordship sent me for Mr Shakespeare's play. 701 00:51:27,605 --> 00:51:30,766 - Oh, well, there you go. - I'll deal with this. 702 00:51:31,394 --> 00:51:36,298 Mr Shakespeare works for coin, which I don't see any... of. 703 00:51:36,758 --> 00:51:39,531 His Lordship said he'd pay Mr Shakespeare when he saw him next. 704 00:51:39,653 --> 00:51:42,765 Don't give me that old chuff. You know how this works. 705 00:51:42,888 --> 00:51:45,358 - No money, no funny. - All right. 706 00:51:45,996 --> 00:51:48,381 Don't stab the messenger... please. 707 00:51:48,508 --> 00:51:51,365 You tell Mr Croydon that Mr Shakespeare will meet him tonight. 708 00:51:51,828 --> 00:51:54,650 Somewhere neutral. The Bull's Inn, Deptford. 709 00:51:54,808 --> 00:51:57,969 It's quite safe. He brings the money, he gets the script. 710 00:51:58,086 --> 00:51:59,879 - I'll tell him. - Good. 711 00:52:00,000 --> 00:52:02,991 And I'll tell your mum... who isn't here. 712 00:52:05,726 --> 00:52:08,027 - Needs work. - Yeah, it does, doesn't it? 713 00:52:09,515 --> 00:52:11,646 You'll be fine. Just stick to your guns. 714 00:52:11,772 --> 00:52:13,395 50 pounds, not a farthing less. 715 00:52:13,517 --> 00:52:15,442 - Got it. - Bill. 716 00:52:17,221 --> 00:52:19,740 - I think you've got something. - What, from the river? 717 00:52:19,860 --> 00:52:22,076 No. I mean... 718 00:52:22,244 --> 00:52:23,528 talent. 719 00:52:23,649 --> 00:52:26,725 It's a little rough, sure, but... it's there. 720 00:52:27,906 --> 00:52:30,086 So, I am a writer? 721 00:52:30,205 --> 00:52:32,809 Not yet. This... 722 00:52:33,952 --> 00:52:35,102 I can teach you. 723 00:52:35,229 --> 00:52:37,275 Only you can find this. 724 00:52:38,209 --> 00:52:39,407 A nipple? 725 00:52:40,337 --> 00:52:42,384 We'll work on it. 726 00:52:45,159 --> 00:52:46,528 Thanks, Chris. 727 00:52:50,906 --> 00:52:52,613 Thanks. 728 00:52:59,208 --> 00:53:01,133 Bill, you forgot the play! 729 00:53:01,251 --> 00:53:03,213 Sorry. I... 730 00:53:03,763 --> 00:53:04,961 Oh, no. 731 00:53:10,755 --> 00:53:14,631 Christopher Marlowe. How nice to see you again. 732 00:53:14,757 --> 00:53:20,812 It would seem your world has been turned upside down. 733 00:53:20,930 --> 00:53:24,466 Which is funny, because you are the wrong way up. 734 00:53:24,591 --> 00:53:29,750 Look, I know I missed a few payments, but... 735 00:53:29,870 --> 00:53:31,069 Ssssh'.! 736 00:53:31,190 --> 00:53:33,237 Honestly, you writers. 737 00:53:33,361 --> 00:53:35,746 You are all the same. 738 00:53:35,773 --> 00:53:39,103 We lend you money to buy little house. 739 00:53:39,121 --> 00:53:43,081 You now have little house. You pay back money. 740 00:53:43,208 --> 00:53:44,577 Absolutely, and I will. 741 00:53:44,698 --> 00:53:48,113 Overdue payments may result in increased interest rates, 742 00:53:48,232 --> 00:53:53,475 recovery action and forfeiture of life and limb/limbs. 743 00:53:53,638 --> 00:53:55,516 Terms and conditions apply. 744 00:53:55,639 --> 00:53:58,073 - Small print? - Not really. 745 00:53:58,577 --> 00:54:01,132 Although, admittedly, it is in Russian. 746 00:54:01,621 --> 00:54:06,561 Perhaps we were not clear what happens to people who are late twice. 747 00:54:09,114 --> 00:54:12,104 This is a late customer. 748 00:54:13,328 --> 00:54:16,489 - Urgh! - Which is funny because he is dead. 749 00:54:17,894 --> 00:54:21,600 In order to avoid further inconvenience, 750 00:54:22,279 --> 00:54:25,391 we now require you to pay full amount. 751 00:54:26,196 --> 00:54:30,071 50 English cash pounds by this time tomorrow. 752 00:54:30,197 --> 00:54:34,629 50? Where the hell am I supposed to find 50... pounds? 753 00:54:35,562 --> 00:54:41,060 50 pounds by tomorrow. Or we have to buy another trunk. 754 00:55:01,169 --> 00:55:03,216 Ooh. Got you these. 755 00:55:05,639 --> 00:55:07,904 Some son of rose. I forget the name. 756 00:55:12,152 --> 00:55:13,776 I've got news. 757 00:55:17,091 --> 00:55:19,137 Keep them closed. 758 00:55:21,816 --> 00:55:23,911 OK? 759 00:55:24,030 --> 00:55:25,992 Open them. 760 00:55:30,203 --> 00:55:32,758 - I've sold my play. - Wow. 761 00:55:32,885 --> 00:55:34,338 To an earl. 762 00:55:34,460 --> 00:55:36,725 Earl of Croydon. 763 00:55:36,844 --> 00:55:39,193 - It's near Penge. - Penge, yeah. 764 00:55:39,313 --> 00:55:42,558 And they're putting it on for the Queen. Not here. At the palace. 765 00:55:42,677 --> 00:55:44,433 This was just, you know... 766 00:55:45,486 --> 00:55:47,533 - For the drama. - Yeah. 767 00:55:47,657 --> 00:55:49,752 But it's good, Anne. 768 00:55:49,854 --> 00:55:52,203 - Imagine it. - Where...? 769 00:55:55,389 --> 00:55:57,823 Get down from there. 770 00:55:57,843 --> 00:56:03,304 The Rose Theatre is delighted to present a play by Bill Shakespeare! 771 00:56:15,021 --> 00:56:16,813 Listen. 772 00:56:16,937 --> 00:56:20,981 I know I haven't always made things... easy. 773 00:56:23,280 --> 00:56:25,714 But it really feels like things are looking up for me. 774 00:56:27,069 --> 00:56:29,031 For us. 775 00:56:33,625 --> 00:56:35,587 And you said I'd never make it. 776 00:56:36,477 --> 00:56:39,384 - What? - "Go and be a butcher," you said. 777 00:56:40,337 --> 00:56:43,667 "Don't go to London," you said. Well, look at me now. 778 00:56:44,338 --> 00:56:46,978 Hang on a minute. I've always supported you. 779 00:56:47,106 --> 00:56:48,983 Well, yes and no. 780 00:56:49,106 --> 00:56:52,049 - I mean, up to a point, but... - Up to a point? 781 00:56:52,172 --> 00:56:55,538 Well, let's face it, here I am, in London, 782 00:56:55,662 --> 00:56:59,416 about to perform my play for the Queen. 783 00:57:00,218 --> 00:57:01,889 And who's that down to? 784 00:57:03,268 --> 00:57:05,278 Yours truly. 785 00:57:05,397 --> 00:57:08,085 Number 1A, Me Avenue. 786 00:57:08,781 --> 00:57:12,704 - It was me, you idiot. - What? 787 00:57:12,826 --> 00:57:15,562 - I told Croydon about your play. - What? When? 788 00:57:15,678 --> 00:57:18,414 - The other day, at his house. - At his house, were you? 789 00:57:18,530 --> 00:57:20,964 - Not like that. He picked me up. - Did he, now? 790 00:57:21,085 --> 00:57:24,500 - I was trying to help you. - Well, I don't need your help. 791 00:57:24,618 --> 00:57:28,457 Well, that's a bit of luck, isn't it? Because you're not gonna get it again. 792 00:57:28,577 --> 00:57:31,011 - I'm going back to Stratford. - Fine. 793 00:57:33,641 --> 00:57:36,548 One day you'll realise what you just lost. 794 00:57:36,664 --> 00:57:38,626 I hope it was all worth it. 795 00:57:40,623 --> 00:57:45,395 No, one day you'll realise what you lost, when I'm up here. 796 00:57:48,563 --> 00:57:50,356 When I'm up here. 797 00:58:25,984 --> 00:58:27,691 Saying things in a shod, snappy way 798 00:58:27,815 --> 00:58:31,568 instead of a long, drawn-out way is the soul of wit. 799 00:58:39,309 --> 00:58:41,574 Ooh. Someone's been in the wars. 800 00:58:42,119 --> 00:58:43,911 Yes, I... 801 00:58:45,397 --> 00:58:48,303 - What are you doing in a pie? - It's a disguise. 802 00:58:48,419 --> 00:58:51,786 Or one might say a dis-pies. 803 00:58:52,421 --> 00:58:54,213 Now, that works in three ways. 804 00:58:54,337 --> 00:58:57,110 One, it's a disguise. Two, the disguise is pies. 805 00:58:57,232 --> 00:58:59,871 And three, it's got the word "spies" in it, so... 806 00:59:00,010 --> 00:59:01,596 - It's very clever. - Mm. 807 00:59:01,713 --> 00:59:03,723 What did you want? 808 00:59:03,841 --> 00:59:08,576 - Well, you know Catholic plots? - Does the Pope wear a silly hat? 809 00:59:11,121 --> 00:59:12,574 I think I may have found one. 810 00:59:13,740 --> 00:59:16,646 He rents a room above The Quill and Rapier. 811 00:59:17,401 --> 00:59:19,786 Well, you'll see for yourself. 812 00:59:20,381 --> 00:59:23,711 He's turned it into some sort of Catholic shrine. 813 00:59:26,384 --> 00:59:27,836 What them? 814 00:59:33,365 --> 00:59:34,734 I'm being framed. 815 00:59:34,855 --> 00:59:36,817 - Left, right, left... - Come on, lads. 816 00:59:39,836 --> 00:59:41,883 Chris? 817 00:59:42,561 --> 00:59:43,930 Left, right, left... 818 00:59:45,903 --> 00:59:48,034 Mr Shakespeare, I presume. 819 00:59:48,287 --> 00:59:51,908 You, my friend, are going straight to he... Aargh! 820 00:59:52,034 --> 00:59:54,673 Left, right, left, right... 821 00:59:54,801 --> 00:59:57,102 After him, you fools! 822 01:00:13,447 --> 01:00:17,032 Right! Can everyone please stop arriving? 823 01:00:35,499 --> 01:00:37,934 - Where's the money? - Where's Shakespeare? 824 01:00:39,012 --> 01:00:42,427 He's... tied up. I'm... his agent. 825 01:00:49,016 --> 01:00:50,978 Play first. 826 01:01:04,725 --> 01:01:06,772 What the hell's this? 827 01:01:07,706 --> 01:01:09,970 Your change, sir. 828 01:01:11,494 --> 01:01:13,710 ' Urgh! Aargh! 829 01:01:13,878 --> 01:01:16,094 A pleasure doing business with you. 830 01:01:16,220 --> 01:01:17,334 Why? 831 01:01:17,454 --> 01:01:19,840 Er... Cheaper. 832 01:01:24,053 --> 01:01:26,693 - King Philip ll of Spain. - Sssh. 833 01:01:27,374 --> 01:01:29,977 It's a secret, you see. 834 01:01:30,205 --> 01:01:32,761 This play you have kindly provided me with... 835 01:01:33,952 --> 01:01:37,827 I'm going to use it to kill the Queen. 836 01:01:39,912 --> 01:01:42,600 A Catholic plot. You fiend! 837 01:01:42,721 --> 01:01:44,514 Don't be like that. 838 01:01:44,637 --> 01:01:46,383 Oh, don't take it out. Don't take it out. 839 01:01:46,510 --> 01:01:49,501 It won't hurt if I do it quickly. It's a bit like erm... 840 01:01:50,129 --> 01:01:51,545 Do you do your eyebrows? 841 01:01:51,661 --> 01:01:53,877 - No. - OK. Well, it's a little bit like that. 842 01:01:54,301 --> 01:01:56,311 Aargh! 843 01:02:00,900 --> 01:02:02,861 Bill... 844 01:02:10,426 --> 01:02:12,605 Chris, I'm gonna kill you! 845 01:02:14,555 --> 01:02:16,602 Join the club, mate. 846 01:02:17,280 --> 01:02:19,968 - Oh, my God. - No, it's a scratch. It's just a scratch. 847 01:02:20,089 --> 01:02:22,136 It's nothing. 848 01:02:23,027 --> 01:02:25,074 Actually, that is quite bad, isn't it? 849 01:02:29,796 --> 01:02:31,757 Chris? 850 01:02:32,776 --> 01:02:35,077 I betrayed you. 851 01:02:35,202 --> 01:02:37,504 I needed the play, the money. 852 01:02:38,438 --> 01:02:41,077 - I'm in terrible debt. - This was over a debt? 853 01:02:41,205 --> 01:02:44,063 No, no. This was... Catholics. 854 01:02:45,037 --> 01:02:46,962 - Catholics? - Croydon's company. 855 01:02:47,080 --> 01:02:49,296 - They're Spanish agents. - The Cockney Players? 856 01:02:49,422 --> 01:02:50,838 - But they're from Bow. - No. 857 01:02:50,954 --> 01:02:55,047 Mark me, they plan to use our play to somehow kill the Queen. 858 01:02:56,233 --> 01:02:58,872 You must go to the pie stall in the marketplace. 859 01:03:00,362 --> 01:03:02,578 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing? 860 01:03:02,704 --> 01:03:04,920 Oh, sorry. Did you want that? 861 01:03:05,045 --> 01:03:06,547 Want it? He isn't dead. 862 01:03:06,663 --> 01:03:09,606 Well, not quite. But I knock off in five, and realistically... 863 01:03:09,728 --> 01:03:11,181 Go away! 864 01:03:16,732 --> 01:03:19,638 Right, you see her? Well, your mum... 865 01:03:19,754 --> 01:03:22,745 - For God's sake, not now, Chris. - Yes, yes, the plot. 866 01:03:23,671 --> 01:03:25,718 You must find Walsingham. 867 01:03:26,310 --> 01:03:30,355 Go to the pie stall in the marketplace and say these code words. 868 01:03:30,483 --> 01:03:34,830 Saying things in a shod, snappy way... soul of wit. 869 01:03:36,868 --> 01:03:38,794 You mean "brevity". 870 01:03:38,912 --> 01:03:40,873 Er... Yeah. 871 01:03:40,998 --> 01:03:43,044 But say it my way. 872 01:03:43,382 --> 01:03:46,239 And Walsingham will deal with the Spanish. 873 01:03:47,980 --> 01:03:50,159 Avenge me, my friend... 874 01:03:50,278 --> 01:03:53,221 for now I go... and it is done. 875 01:03:55,132 --> 01:03:57,311 The bell invites me. 876 01:04:02,901 --> 01:04:04,487 One more thing. 877 01:04:04,604 --> 01:04:08,698 The... the script I gave them, it's... 878 01:04:11,586 --> 01:04:13,548 It... 879 01:04:19,590 --> 01:04:21,720 So wise, so young... 880 01:04:22,527 --> 01:04:24,574 they say do never live long. 881 01:04:32,148 --> 01:04:33,855 Seriously? 882 01:04:36,065 --> 01:04:40,291 Well, Your Majesty, we have our play. 883 01:04:41,386 --> 01:04:42,706 Cheers. 884 01:04:42,834 --> 01:04:44,881 We'll stop for nibbles. 885 01:04:46,069 --> 01:04:47,862 Yes, I don't want to worry you, 886 01:04:47,985 --> 01:04:50,504 but this reads a lot like a Russian loan agreement. 887 01:04:52,115 --> 01:04:53,992 Why, that double-crossing little... 888 01:04:54,115 --> 01:04:56,295 Furs! 889 01:04:56,414 --> 01:04:59,659 Get your lovely furs! 890 01:05:00,395 --> 01:05:02,829 High fashion furs! 891 01:05:04,142 --> 01:05:06,103 High fashion... 892 01:05:08,995 --> 01:05:12,107 Saying things in a shod, snappy way inst... 893 01:05:14,444 --> 01:05:16,829 - Oh, no. - Oh, yes. 894 01:05:20,319 --> 01:05:22,280 King Philip ll of Spain. 895 01:05:25,598 --> 01:05:28,153 - Where is the play? - I don't know. 896 01:05:28,280 --> 01:05:29,866 You'd better tell me... 897 01:05:30,792 --> 01:05:33,989 or I will let Lope here loose with his device. 898 01:05:34,666 --> 01:05:37,996 You don't wanna know where this bit goes. 899 01:05:38,210 --> 01:05:40,257 So, you'd better tell me... 900 01:05:41,105 --> 01:05:45,113 - In your bum. - Don't actually say it. 901 01:05:45,234 --> 01:05:49,073 Why are you saying it? It's more dramatic if you don't say it. I... What? 902 01:05:49,193 --> 01:05:50,392 OK. 903 01:05:50,513 --> 01:05:52,814 Listen, as far as I knew, you had the play. 904 01:05:52,940 --> 01:05:56,391 - I don't know where he's put it. - Then you will write me a new play. 905 01:05:57,878 --> 01:06:00,614 Without Chris, that's impossible. 906 01:06:00,730 --> 01:06:03,842 Nothing is impossible, Mr Shakespeare. 907 01:06:03,966 --> 01:06:06,013 Given the proper motivation. 908 01:06:11,778 --> 01:06:13,825 - Anne. - That's right. 909 01:06:14,375 --> 01:06:16,422 We have Jan. 910 01:06:16,589 --> 01:06:18,429 It's Anne. 911 01:06:18,547 --> 01:06:20,387 Is it? Oh. 912 01:06:20,889 --> 01:06:23,323 - Why? - Because the Queen needs a play 913 01:06:23,443 --> 01:06:26,217 and I'm not about to let her down. 914 01:06:26,338 --> 01:06:28,893 But he's gonna kill the Queen, you idiot! 915 01:06:29,020 --> 01:06:32,519 I think you mean surprise the Queen. 916 01:06:35,065 --> 01:06:38,855 - Right? - Well, it's kind of a surprise. 917 01:06:41,068 --> 01:06:43,198 Oh! 918 01:06:43,303 --> 01:06:45,010 Oh, you villainous snake. 919 01:06:46,156 --> 01:06:48,335 As a loyal peer and patriot, 920 01:06:48,454 --> 01:06:51,276 I would never betray the sovereign power. 921 01:06:51,392 --> 01:06:54,213 - You still get Devon. - Very much back on board. 922 01:06:54,414 --> 01:06:56,934 So, you write me a new play... 923 01:06:57,991 --> 01:07:01,103 "otherwise, it's "Adios, señora." 924 01:07:02,716 --> 01:07:05,235 - It's...? - It's Spanish for "Goodbye, lady." 925 01:07:05,355 --> 01:07:07,402 It means I'm going to kill her. 926 01:07:17,616 --> 01:07:20,983 Look, you wrote play before. Write it again. 927 01:07:21,107 --> 01:07:22,560 I thought you were playwright. 928 01:07:22,682 --> 01:07:24,729 Well, you thought wrong. 929 01:07:26,003 --> 01:07:28,388 I can't do this, not on my own. 930 01:07:28,515 --> 01:07:30,779 I hope that is not true. For your sake. 931 01:07:41,286 --> 01:07:42,957 Bill. 932 01:07:42,574 --> 01:07:44,160 What an thou? 933 01:07:44,532 --> 01:07:47,052 By heaven I charge thee, speak. 934 01:07:48,460 --> 01:07:49,610 Hello. 935 01:07:49,737 --> 01:07:51,699 Erm... Hello. 936 01:07:52,973 --> 01:07:54,389 You're not here. 937 01:07:54,548 --> 01:07:57,284 You're just a tired mind playing tricks. 938 01:07:57,400 --> 01:08:00,597 I'm a friend when you need one. Question not my coming. 939 01:08:01,444 --> 01:08:04,775 So you've come to help me? With the play? 940 01:08:09,320 --> 01:08:12,565 I can no more lift a quill than I can tip this cup. 941 01:08:15,706 --> 01:08:17,546 That was a coincidence. 942 01:08:17,664 --> 01:08:19,711 The point is, I cannot give you help. 943 01:08:20,985 --> 01:08:22,946 You don't need it. 944 01:08:23,050 --> 01:08:25,315 I've got nothing here. 945 01:08:26,711 --> 01:08:29,351 No characters, no story. 946 01:08:29,478 --> 01:08:33,063 No story? No story in the time we've shared? 947 01:08:34,928 --> 01:08:37,483 Of the hand that fate has dealt you these days past? 948 01:08:39,398 --> 01:08:45,065 Tales of betrayal, plotting kings, the death of a friend. 949 01:08:46,550 --> 01:08:49,626 Such twists and turns as would shame any fiction. 950 01:08:54,383 --> 01:08:56,563 Write what you know. 951 01:09:00,663 --> 01:09:02,624 I can do this. 952 01:09:04,196 --> 01:09:06,158 I can do this. 953 01:09:07,900 --> 01:09:10,539 No, no, no. Wait, wait. That's just the story. 954 01:09:10,667 --> 01:09:12,714 What of the words? 955 01:10:03,606 --> 01:10:05,567 It's a hit. 956 01:10:06,713 --> 01:10:08,384 A palpable hit. 957 01:10:09,991 --> 01:10:12,038 So my wife can go. 958 01:10:12,290 --> 01:10:15,451 But you haven't finished yet. I have some notes. 959 01:10:16,548 --> 01:10:18,678 Number one, we lose this. 960 01:10:18,804 --> 01:10:20,850 It's your play now. 961 01:10:21,018 --> 01:10:25,195 And number two, the end could be a little more... 962 01:10:25,786 --> 01:10:27,832 How shall I say? 963 01:10:29,277 --> 01:10:30,427 Explosive. 964 01:10:30,554 --> 01:10:33,024 Hooray! 965 01:10:33,151 --> 01:10:34,386 Sssh . 966 01:10:34,896 --> 01:10:36,603 Hooray. 967 01:10:37,408 --> 01:10:39,031 Hm. 968 01:10:39,292 --> 01:10:41,811 Gather round. So, here's the plan. 969 01:10:42,314 --> 01:10:45,983 You wit stack the gunpowder behind the stage during the first act. 970 01:10:46,103 --> 01:10:49,010 Juan will then light the fuse when he hears Ramon - 971 01:10:49,126 --> 01:10:51,257 who plays witch number three - say the line: 972 01:10:51,382 --> 01:10:53,852 Thou shalt be king hereafter. 973 01:10:53,979 --> 01:10:55,396 Hope you like bombs. 974 01:10:55,512 --> 01:10:57,135 I shall then make my excuses 975 01:10:57,257 --> 01:10:59,105 and sneak out while you exit through the kitchen. 976 01:10:59,130 --> 01:11:01,141 Gotta go now. Bye. 977 01:11:01,259 --> 01:11:04,117 And Mr Shakespeare will be coming with us 978 01:11:04,239 --> 01:11:07,351 to witness the final act in his little drama, 979 01:11:07,474 --> 01:11:10,719 where we will quite literally bring the house down. 980 01:11:11,881 --> 01:11:13,976 Come on. It's a theatre joke. 981 01:11:15,500 --> 01:11:18,139 Gentlemen, to the palace! 982 01:11:19,033 --> 01:11:21,080 OK. Left a bit, John. 983 01:11:21,204 --> 01:11:23,505 Left. My left! 984 01:11:23,971 --> 01:11:26,442 Right. And let it go. 985 01:11:31,209 --> 01:11:32,444 Gemma! 986 01:11:32,571 --> 01:11:35,005 Big day today, obviously. 987 01:11:35,125 --> 01:11:38,915 Security level has been set at dark woad, 988 01:11:39,042 --> 01:11:42,033 which I believe is this one? 989 01:11:44,108 --> 01:11:46,409 Erm... Hello? Excuse me? 990 01:11:47,045 --> 01:11:48,281 Where are you going? 991 01:11:48,408 --> 01:11:51,823 We're the Cockney Players of Bow, me old plate. 992 01:11:51,941 --> 01:11:54,411 - Yeah. - The actors, yes. 993 01:11:54,538 --> 01:11:57,699 Yeah, I'm looking forward to that. I used to do a turn myself. 994 01:11:57,716 --> 01:12:00,828 I don't know if you've ever heard of The Sticky Players? 995 01:12:00,952 --> 01:12:02,913 Oh... Magic days. 996 01:12:02,938 --> 01:12:05,759 Anyway, just follow the path and you'll get to the front gate. 997 01:12:05,775 --> 01:12:08,682 Hang on. What are those barrels about? 998 01:12:09,687 --> 01:12:11,273 Er... 999 01:12:11,290 --> 01:12:14,402 Well, there's a Cockney song, in't there, mate, 1000 01:12:14,525 --> 01:12:16,656 where we roll 'em out. 1001 01:12:18,995 --> 01:12:22,701 ♪ Roll out the barrels, mate 1002 01:12:22,827 --> 01:12:25,733 ♪ We'll give you some barrels of fun 1003 01:12:26,573 --> 01:12:29,043 - Yeah, mate. ♪ Where's he coming from? 1004 01:12:32,235 --> 01:12:34,620 Very good. Well, off you trot, then. 1005 01:12:39,792 --> 01:12:41,548 Cheeky. 1006 01:12:41,665 --> 01:12:43,590 Right, drapes. Gemma! 1007 01:12:54,437 --> 01:12:55,502 Classic. 1008 01:12:55,629 --> 01:12:57,385 King Philip ll of Spain. 1009 01:12:57,502 --> 01:13:00,141 - King Philip ll of Spain. - Of Spain. 1010 01:13:00,567 --> 01:13:02,444 Sorry. 1011 01:13:02,468 --> 01:13:05,071 Her most excellent Majesty... 1012 01:13:05,159 --> 01:13:08,865 by the grace of God, Elizabeth... 1013 01:13:10,480 --> 01:13:12,696 Queen of England... 1014 01:13:13,077 --> 01:13:16,529 France and Ireland. 1015 01:13:18,739 --> 01:13:21,258 Defender of the Faith. 1016 01:13:23,550 --> 01:13:27,643 - Most improved monarch '92 to... - Let's assume he knows who I am. 1017 01:13:33,299 --> 01:13:38,239 Your Majesty, it is a very great honour to be invited to your fine country, 1018 01:13:38,365 --> 01:13:40,412 which I just got to this morning. 1019 01:13:41,175 --> 01:13:43,996 I came straight here. No funny business. 1020 01:13:44,421 --> 01:13:46,891 - Whoa! Talk about boat-lagged. - Philip. 1021 01:13:47,060 --> 01:13:51,456 It is our greatest hope that this summit shall pave the way 1022 01:13:51,573 --> 01:13:58,173 to lasting peace between our two great nations. 1023 01:13:58,342 --> 01:14:00,182 Right, come on, let's get this over with. 1024 01:14:11,944 --> 01:14:16,970 First we eat, and before you ask, the Soup's served hot. 1025 01:14:17,095 --> 01:14:18,331 Ah, come off it. 1026 01:14:18,458 --> 01:14:20,843 Then we watch Crawley's new play 1027 01:14:20,969 --> 01:14:26,721 and finally we discuss the release of Hawkins. 1028 01:14:27,355 --> 01:14:28,506 Who? 1029 01:14:28,632 --> 01:14:30,339 Hello! 1030 01:14:30,559 --> 01:14:33,198 Oh, yes, him, the reason I'm here. Ha-ha! 1031 01:14:33,326 --> 01:14:35,288 Mind like a gauze. It's terrible. 1032 01:14:36,562 --> 01:14:38,099 Yeah, that's him. 1033 01:14:38,222 --> 01:14:41,419 Oh. And one of 'em said something about a pie stall. 1034 01:14:51,462 --> 01:14:53,047 What about the voice? 1035 01:14:53,165 --> 01:14:55,635 Is it convincing? 1036 01:14:55,804 --> 01:14:58,625 Gabriel... I don't care. 1037 01:15:04,361 --> 01:15:08,502 You then chop up the tomatoes, you cook the onions, but then you leave it a bit... 1038 01:15:10,321 --> 01:15:11,690 OK. 1039 01:15:13,110 --> 01:15:16,307 Burghley. I like what you've done with this. Huh? 1040 01:15:16,771 --> 01:15:19,593 Two beards in one. Very nice. 1041 01:15:23,327 --> 01:15:26,016 Whoa. Better make it a good one. 1042 01:15:26,520 --> 01:15:28,276 The wife's in. 1043 01:15:28,393 --> 01:15:33,975 Oh! Didn't I mention? It seems Devon comes with a duchess. 1044 01:15:35,971 --> 01:15:38,490 Well, he may be a crazed religious extremist, 1045 01:15:38,610 --> 01:15:40,657 but this Shakespeare is smart 1046 01:15:41,974 --> 01:15:44,747 And a truly smart man knows... 1047 01:15:49,381 --> 01:15:51,682 you hide in plain sight! 1048 01:15:59,620 --> 01:16:01,715 Ladies and gentlemen... 1049 01:16:02,728 --> 01:16:04,605 Your Majesties, 1050 01:16:04,729 --> 01:16:07,926 I'm delighted to present for your entertainment 1051 01:16:08,049 --> 01:16:10,229 a new tragedy... 1052 01:16:10,348 --> 01:16:13,122 comedy/drama/history play, 1053 01:16:13,243 --> 01:16:17,118 written by and co-starring the Earl of Croydon. 1054 01:16:17,798 --> 01:16:21,467 That's me. Croydon. 1055 01:16:39,382 --> 01:16:42,204 Oh, for a muse of fire... 1056 01:16:42,214 --> 01:16:46,053 that would ascend the brightest heaven of invention, 1057 01:16:46,173 --> 01:16:50,654 a kingdom for a stage, princes to act 1058 01:16:50,856 --> 01:16:54,610 and monarchs to behold this swelling scene. 1059 01:17:10,184 --> 01:17:12,278 Did you see? Did you see? 1060 01:17:12,951 --> 01:17:14,997 I was just... They were... 1061 01:17:25,467 --> 01:17:27,513 lam so going to hell. 1062 01:17:34,343 --> 01:17:36,390 Evening. 1063 01:17:39,878 --> 01:17:42,517 - You set me free. - No, you set me free. 1064 01:17:43,965 --> 01:17:45,926 Let's go. 1065 01:17:47,456 --> 01:17:48,775 Where are you going? 1066 01:17:48,903 --> 01:17:50,998 We have to save Anne, stop the plot. 1067 01:17:51,117 --> 01:17:54,193 - Are you crazy in the coconut? - What's a coconut? 1068 01:17:54,310 --> 01:17:57,300 Well, my Catholic friends, 1069 01:17:57,417 --> 01:18:00,360 you have led me a merry dance. 1070 01:18:01,462 --> 01:18:05,809 But now it would seem that I have the upper hand! 1071 01:18:09,423 --> 01:18:11,300 Aaargh! 1072 01:18:11,892 --> 01:18:15,767 - I won't leave her, not again. - Well, then, you are on your own. 1073 01:18:16,213 --> 01:18:18,260 May God be with you, my friend. 1074 01:18:23,876 --> 01:18:26,819 'Tis... enough. 1075 01:18:30,134 --> 01:18:32,012 Bit of a rewrite. 1076 01:18:33,668 --> 01:18:36,138 "A Play for Her Majesty"? 1077 01:18:39,245 --> 01:18:41,206 Ha! 1078 01:18:44,566 --> 01:18:46,019 Hark. 1079 01:18:46,141 --> 01:18:49,084 By the pricking of my thumbs, 1080 01:18:49,207 --> 01:18:53,046 oh, something wicked this way comes. 1081 01:18:56,572 --> 01:18:57,722 Witches... 1082 01:18:57,849 --> 01:18:58,914 Witches! OK. 1083 01:18:59,679 --> 01:19:01,048 Scared. 1084 01:19:01,169 --> 01:19:06,630 How now, you secret, black and midnight hags. 1085 01:19:08,407 --> 01:19:12,584 Hail to thee, the Thane of Glamis. 1086 01:19:12,962 --> 01:19:17,526 Hail to thee, the Thane of Cawdor. 1087 01:19:17,645 --> 01:19:20,975 Hail to thee, for thou shalt be king. 1088 01:19:23,541 --> 01:19:26,568 - Mark me. - What the hell? 1089 01:19:26,692 --> 01:19:28,702 - What the hell? - What the hell? 1090 01:19:28,820 --> 01:19:31,642 I could a tale unfold 1091 01:19:31,758 --> 01:19:35,633 whose lightest word would harrow up thy soul, 1092 01:19:35,759 --> 01:19:41,899 freeze thy blood, make thine eyes like stars start from their spheres. 1093 01:19:42,486 --> 01:19:46,796 A foul and most unnatural murder. 1094 01:19:47,765 --> 01:19:49,642 Marlowe? 1095 01:19:49,766 --> 01:19:51,945 That I now avenge! 1096 01:19:52,064 --> 01:19:53,348 Shakespeare! 1097 01:19:53,469 --> 01:19:55,516 That's him! 1098 01:19:55,640 --> 01:19:58,280 - Ooh. A cameo. - The Catholic's mine! 1099 01:20:00,025 --> 01:20:01,987 Listen, you've got the wrong man! 1100 01:20:02,111 --> 01:20:04,582 That's what a Catholic traitor would say. 1101 01:20:05,709 --> 01:20:09,548 This is what's known as breaking the fourth wall. 1102 01:20:10,477 --> 01:20:12,233 Ooh! 1103 01:20:12,350 --> 01:20:13,936 Sword fight? 1104 01:20:14,053 --> 01:20:16,100 Sword fight, sword fight... 1105 01:20:43,162 --> 01:20:45,984 Wait! He's not the Catholic. 1106 01:20:48,739 --> 01:20:50,701 We are the Catholics. 1107 01:20:50,825 --> 01:20:54,664 Me amigos, plan J. 1108 01:21:13,090 --> 01:21:15,476 Actually, you know what? 1109 01:21:15,602 --> 01:21:18,714 I've gotta go to the little kings' room. 1110 01:21:18,838 --> 01:21:20,715 OK. Excuse me. 1111 01:21:20,839 --> 01:21:23,018 It's seafood. King coming through. Make a hole. 1112 01:21:23,308 --> 01:21:25,015 Goodbye, Queen. 1113 01:21:25,181 --> 01:21:27,106 Yeah. 1114 01:21:29,438 --> 01:21:31,485 Come on, there's another one... 1115 01:21:36,718 --> 01:21:40,169 Oh, villain, villain, 1116 01:21:40,294 --> 01:21:43,660 smiling, damned villain. 1117 01:21:45,913 --> 01:21:47,706 Uh... 1118 01:21:50,852 --> 01:21:52,898 All the world's a stage... 1119 01:21:55,577 --> 01:21:58,689 and all the men... and women... 1120 01:21:59,058 --> 01:22:00,850 merely players. 1121 01:22:01,474 --> 01:22:05,482 They have their exits and entrances... 1122 01:22:07,264 --> 01:22:10,206 and one man in his time plays many parts. 1123 01:22:11,095 --> 01:22:13,565 Take this man. 1124 01:22:13,292 --> 01:22:16,319 Hath he not played the part of Patron? 1125 01:22:17,166 --> 01:22:18,958 Patriot? 1126 01:22:19,124 --> 01:22:20,831 Traitor? 1127 01:22:20,955 --> 01:22:23,086 Thief! 1128 01:22:23,211 --> 01:22:26,118 Who would rob a scribe of his words... 1129 01:22:27,256 --> 01:22:29,520 a man of his wife... 1130 01:22:29,640 --> 01:22:32,885 a land... of its queen! 1131 01:22:35,983 --> 01:22:38,973 Your Majesty, hell is empty. 1132 01:22:40,410 --> 01:22:43,147 All the devils are here. 1133 01:22:43,433 --> 01:22:45,698 Aren't they, Phil? 1134 01:22:49,563 --> 01:22:52,033 Ah... 1135 01:22:52,522 --> 01:22:54,230 Ha-ha-ha. 1136 01:22:54,694 --> 01:22:56,788 You think you're so clever, don't you? Hm? 1137 01:22:57,376 --> 01:23:00,197 With your hair and your face. 1138 01:23:01,888 --> 01:23:04,322 Well, this changes nothing. 1139 01:23:05,124 --> 01:23:08,792 We may leave now this damp, fetid bog of a country. 1140 01:23:08,913 --> 01:23:10,281 All right, mate. 1141 01:23:10,403 --> 01:23:12,449 But know this. 1142 01:23:14,021 --> 01:23:16,116 I will return, 1143 01:23:16,235 --> 01:23:19,178 and my revenge... will have no bounds. 1144 01:23:20,662 --> 01:23:22,757 I shall do such things. 1145 01:23:23,515 --> 01:23:25,561 What they are yet, I know not. 1146 01:23:27,006 --> 01:23:31,147 But they shall be the terrors of the earth. 1147 01:23:35,244 --> 01:23:37,084 And we're going to bring an horse. 1148 01:23:37,202 --> 01:23:39,636 But it's not a normal horse. Oh, no. 1149 01:23:39,756 --> 01:23:42,614 It's a ginormous horse and it will confuse you. 1150 01:23:42,736 --> 01:23:45,679 - But that's the point of the horse. - What is wrong with you? 1151 01:23:45,802 --> 01:23:48,321 What is actually wrong with you? You are broken in the head. 1152 01:23:48,441 --> 01:23:49,943 It is not a real horse! 1153 01:23:50,059 --> 01:23:52,187 - It is not a real horse? - It is not a real horse. 1154 01:23:52,230 --> 01:23:54,022 - What is it? - It is a wooden horse. 1155 01:23:54,146 --> 01:23:55,465 What is so hard to... 1156 01:24:01,127 --> 01:24:06,322 I arrest thee of capital treason 'gainst the Queen and crown, Crawley. 1157 01:24:06,449 --> 01:24:09,137 It's not Crawley. It's... 1158 01:24:10,749 --> 01:24:12,710 Oh, I give up. 1159 01:24:13,027 --> 01:24:15,582 A head filled with such fine words. 1160 01:24:15,709 --> 01:24:17,755 Almost a pity to put a spike up it. 1161 01:24:18,391 --> 01:24:20,740 He didn't write the play. 1162 01:24:21,924 --> 01:24:26,272 - Your Majesty. - Then who did... girl? 1163 01:24:26,948 --> 01:24:28,486 Bill. 1164 01:24:28,608 --> 01:24:30,873 William Shakespeare. 1165 01:24:32,184 --> 01:24:34,146 My husband. 1166 01:24:35,249 --> 01:24:37,089 Well, well, Mr Shakespeare. 1167 01:24:37,761 --> 01:24:40,026 Is there no end to your talents? 1168 01:24:40,571 --> 01:24:45,984 I may unmask these devils, ma'am, yet still I cast myself among them. 1169 01:24:46,701 --> 01:24:48,917 For though I share not the nature of their crimes, 1170 01:24:49,043 --> 01:24:52,409 I too sinned, as a demon might... 1171 01:24:54,705 --> 01:24:57,224 when I cast aside an angel. 1172 01:24:59,813 --> 01:25:02,247 Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? 1173 01:25:03,985 --> 01:25:07,606 Thou an more lovely and more temperate. 1174 01:25:08,307 --> 01:25:10,692 Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May. 1175 01:25:10,818 --> 01:25:12,865 - And summer's lease... - Stop talking. 1176 01:25:18,779 --> 01:25:20,741 Mr Shakespeare. 1177 01:25:26,783 --> 01:25:28,830 You may kiss my hand. 1178 01:25:35,084 --> 01:25:37,131 I may not be long for this world. 1179 01:25:39,044 --> 01:25:42,071 But I am most grateful to see a few more dawns. 1180 01:25:44,152 --> 01:25:46,114 Thank you. 1181 01:25:48,069 --> 01:25:50,079 Southampton! 1182 01:25:50,197 --> 01:25:53,564 - Hello, love. - Is your money room still bulging? 1183 01:25:53,688 --> 01:25:57,649 Oh, it's positively out of hand, darling. I've had to knock a wall through. 1184 01:25:58,329 --> 01:26:02,555 Then see to it that this loyal subject finds himself well financed. 1185 01:26:02,884 --> 01:26:04,167 Your Majesty. 1186 01:26:04,289 --> 01:26:08,636 Well, we shall be hearing much more from you, won't we, Shakespeare? 1187 01:26:08,759 --> 01:26:12,125 Yes, Your Majesty. I have a few ideas. 1188 01:26:12,261 --> 01:26:14,138 Excellent. 1189 01:26:14,261 --> 01:26:17,337 Though maybe one at a time, eh? Cos that was a bit dense. 1190 01:26:19,285 --> 01:26:23,329 Well, then... all's well that ends well. 1191 01:26:24,649 --> 01:26:27,337 Time for some music, methinks. 1192 01:26:28,182 --> 01:26:31,549 Ladies and gentlemen... 1193 01:26:31,897 --> 01:26:36,971 I give you Mortal Coil! 1194 01:27:54,328 --> 01:27:57,609 It's a full house, Bill. Have you settled on a title? 1195 01:27:57,734 --> 01:28:00,373 How about A Series of Comedy Errors? 1196 01:28:00,714 --> 01:28:02,930 That's... getting there. 1197 01:28:03,226 --> 01:28:05,405 - Ow. - There. 1198 01:28:06,759 --> 01:28:09,956 - All done. - Well, what do you think? 1199 01:28:12,762 --> 01:28:14,808 Is the world ready for Shakespeare? 1200 01:28:49,459 --> 01:28:51,251 This... 1201 01:28:50,587 --> 01:28:53,530 No, sorry. I still don't get it. 1202 01:29:05,232 --> 01:29:07,157 Any last words? 1203 01:29:07,275 --> 01:29:10,473 Yeah. Don't get involved in the ads. 1204 01:29:13,619 --> 01:29:16,138 I thought Ian would have been here, at least. 1205 01:29:26,603 --> 01:29:28,564 Now... No. 1206 01:29:31,606 --> 01:29:33,567 Hello. 1207 01:29:35,309 --> 01:29:37,356 Hello. 1208 01:30:09,197 --> 01:30:11,074 I'm going in. 88700