All language subtitles for The.Wedding.Video.2012.720p.BluRay.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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(voice over Raif) Buy camera,
press button, shoot wedding.

You know, it all sounded
so bloody simple.

Right, so here I am record...

No, that's not it.

-(Chris) Do you need a bit of help, mate?
-Eh?

First of all, look, you've got it all
on manual settings.

You're zoomed right in.
You need to come out. There.

-There's you.
-Full picture. Here's me.

Cheers for that.

So, Raif Moyle here
somewhere over the North Sea.

Making the symbolic journey home
to see my brother to be his best man.

-This is Chris,
-Hello.

Who showed me how to use
the camera. That's nice.

This is 'Kyla' who,
for a free can of Heineken

is about to get a starring role
in my picture.

It's 3 euro's.

(upbeat music)

So, this was it. 10:15, May the 3rd,

arriving home to be
my brother's best man.

I've just bought a camera and decided
to film the build-up to his wedding.

At this point I'm exactly 6 weeks
and 3 days away

from totally destroying their marriage.
Didn't know it then, of course. (chuckles)

(Raif to cab driver) Cheers, mate.

All I knew was I was coming home to see
my brother for the first time in 3 years.

A really magical thing to get on film.

One of those things you can't repeat.

Bro!
(crashing sounds)

Oh, bollocks. We're gonna
have to do this again, sorry.

-(Raif) Sit.
-(Tim) What are we doing?

-I just wanna get your reaction on camera.
-I'm trying to get dressed for a party.

This will take less than a minute.
It's important.

-Right.
-Right? Ready?

-Yes.
-Action.

-Tim, my brother. How lovely to see you.
-Is that it?

-I'm leaving a little gap for you.
-It's lovely to see you, too.

Thank you. And as such, I've got you
the most incredible wedding present.

-A toaster?
-No.

-An erotic fertility symbol?
-Better.

An erotic fertility symbol
that also toasts?

Ta-da!

-A camera?
-No, a film of your wedding.

-No, you're not.
-The highs, the lows, the little--

Listen.

I'm gonna make this your wedding,
your film, made with love by me.

-So that one day you and...
-Saskia.

Saskia, thank you, can look back
at this, show it to your grandchildren.

-All right, well, yes, thank you very much.
-You're welcome.

-But no swearing and no nudity.
-Scout's honour.

-Hi, sexy.
-Bloody hell. Do you mind?

I'm telling you, this is gonna be
a 'warts and all' wedding video.

And there, ladies, is the wart.

This is what people wanna see.
That's the money shot right there.

The looks and the brains.
Hey, how's it going?

-You're the brains.
-Yeah?

Yeah.

(Raif laughs)

-Look at that. Look at that bum.
-Yeah, all right.

That's why she's marrying you.

She says she knows you, by the way.
Saskia. I think she went to your school.

-Saskia Critchley? Doesn't ring any bells.
-Well, no.

Because her mum remarried. At
school she'd have been Saskia Dutton.

-Fuck off.
-What?

You're marrying Saskia Dutton?
THE Saskia Dutton?

Highest non-attendance record
in school history.

Suspended on an almost fortnightly
basis. Saskia Dutton was a legend.

-That is brilliant.
-Okay, can you stop this?

It's amazing, though. Like, you!

-Why not me?
-Because you're you!

-That's ridiculous.
-It's not ridiculous.

-Tim!
-Can you stop this.

Hang on, the Duttons were permanently
skint. They can't live round here.

Yeah.

-I don't believe that.
-Well, I guess things have changed a bit.

(upbeat music)

(Raif) Holy shit!

This was it.

The exact moment I entered a part of
Cheshire I'd only heard tell of as a kid.

The part they called the Beverly Hills
of the UK.

Hi.
(indistinct laughter and chatter)

-Tim. There he is.
-Hi.

There he is, my superstar.

Alex, this is Raif, my brother.
Raif, this is Alex, Saskia's mother.

-Hello, Raif.
-Hello.

-What's this?
-He's making a film.

-As a wedding present.
-Oh, you should have told me.

I'd have spent more time on my make-up.

Right.

Welcome, Raif.

(classical music, indistinct chatter)

Today there are still children
from low income backgrounds,

whose lives are destroyed
by the ravages of alcohol abuse.

You presence at this champagne tasting
means we can send some of them--

These are the 3 most important women
in Cheshire.

This is Kym Ling of Yang Ling restaurants.
Wilmslow, The Edge, everywhere.

-Only 8, darling.
-Only 8, she says.

-Tara Devlin of--Devlins.
-Voilà.

And Jacqui Mintchell-Baines
of Mintchell-Baines Mercedes.

-Hello.
-Not to mention,

the bride-to-be.
(laughter)

Saskia! Saskia.

Come and meet...the best man.

-(Raif) Saskia Dutton.
-Raif Moyle.

Fuck me.
(upbeat music)

Okay, let me just explain
my reaction quickly.

This is how I remember Saskia Dutton.

The craziest girl at school,
when she bothered to turn up.

The sort of girl your mum
would warn you about.

She went to parties like this
and hung out with blokes like that.

But now...

So, how did the two of you meet?

We met at a Road Haulage Industry
gala night.

-Oooh. Sounds exciting.
-All right, steady.

Was that a benefit for all the cyclists
they'd mowed down that year?

It was a benefit for children, Raif.

Okay?

It's a Christmas party. My step-dad,
well his company Rigid Box--

All right. Why don't you go back
there where I can keep an eye on you.

A sheep smells nicer. Go on, go away.

So, Tim, how does a guy like you
propose to a girl like Saskia?

-Eh, we, it was in...
-It was in Chester.

Yeah. We came out of the restaurant,

I sat her down by the fountains
roundabout and popped the question.

And he timed the fountains
so they went off just as I gave my answer.

Which was a bit embarrassing
because I said 'no' initially.

She's joking.

Alex's charity events, perfection.

I'm blushing here. So embarrassing.

Do you remember the buffet
for Famine Relief?

Oh, my God.
I've still got half of it in the freezer.

Have you?
I'll have it back for the next one.

-It's in a good cause.
-No, actually, we do raise a lot of money.

-We try and put something back.
-Like today.

-We've got great lives and...
-Very good cause. Let's drink to that.

-The alcohol abused children.
-Absolutely.

Great lad.

Great lad this.

As Saskia's step-dad, I suppose you're
doing 'the father of the bride' speech?

-That's a great idea. Des, you should.
-No, no.

We would love that.

-Oh, good.
-Thanks.

-Are you from round here?
-Initially, yes. I'm a traveller now.

-What?
-I travel.

-Country to country, or lay-by to lay-by?
-Abroad.

Right. For a minute there you had me
reaching for my handbag.

Because if I were a traveller
I might try to rob you. That's...

Of course not,
they don't all try to rob you.

The adults keep you talking.
The children rob you.

(Tim) Raif, where are you?

-I'm over here in England, in about 1700.
-Oh, you've met.

This is Saskia's grandmother, Patricia.
Patricia, this is my brother Raif.

-Brother?
-Yes.

Here's me asking if you know
Manor House. You went.

No. Tim got a scholarship.

I went to Roton High, same as Saskia.

She was in the year above me.

Was above me in most things,
to be perfectly honest.

When Saskia got told off it was
by the Headmaster.

I only ever managed the Deputy Head.

The last time I saw Saskia Dutton, she was
being carried out of the chemistry lab,

a teacher at either end having drunk
an entire test tube of industrial alcohol.

-That was so funny. Remember?
-(mouthing) Fuck off.

-Tim, shall we get another drink?
-What a good idea.

(Raif clears throat)

This is the actual day. Saskia Dutton is
meant to be in this photograph but eh...

well, she knew all the teachers
would be out on the field so,

that was the day
of the chemistry lab raid.

If she'd looked up as she was carried
into that ambulance--

-I got a duvet and pillows and stuff.
-Look, look.

Cool.

Have you really not opened any
of these boxes from mum and dad's?

I've been kinda busy, having a job,
getting married, buying this duvet.

Come on, man. This is you and me in
these boxes. This is us, our whole lives.

Yeah. Okay, well knock yourself out.
Got a bit of an early start. All right?

-Sleep well.
-Night, mate.

(chuckles)

5:30 am.

The only people awake are milkmen,
crack addicts,

and women preparing for a wedding.

-Do you have to do this?
-Course he does. It's background.

-Have you filmed the home cinema?
-Yeah.

Stick a kebab shop up there
and you'll never have to leave the house.

Oh, I wish, don't you, that you had more
time at home sometimes?

My husband, Des, with his company.
The amount of social functions.

-Is it very hard being 'Mrs Rigid Box'?
-Not hard 'hard'.

No, I'm not complaining. God, there's
people in India with no legs. It's just...

Could you, sorry,
could you take your shoes...

Oh, right. Sorry.

-It's just with it being porcelain.
-Yeah.

Thanks, darling.
This week, for example,

2 separate nights we're taking clients
to the concerts at...

Do you know the classical concerts
at Breton Castle? Do you know those?

They are amazing. Full orchestra,
outside, under the stars.

-Costs a fortune to get in but...
-Not if you do it like we used to.

Yeah, I'm sure Raif doesn't wanna know
about that, darling.

We used to climb the hill from the other
side. Watch it all from behind for free.

Bag of sandwiches.

Actually, Raif,
could you put your shoes back on?

Oh, sorry.

(upbeat music)

Okay, get ready for the slow motion.

And...slow motion.

Meet Tim Moyle, my big brother.

(upbeat music)

(laughter)

Oh, don't do that.

-So, tell me about your job.
-Well, I'm head of a department,

which oversees systems across
the various council departments,

-and it makes sure--
-Can't stay awake.

Okay, piss right off. Thank you.

-Here is where I had my first pint.
-Oh, come on.

Put a bit of life into it.

-Here is where I had my first pint.
-Yeah, all right, thank you.

And so it was here amongst
this scrubland,

-that Tim found an adult magazine.
-Raif.

Upon taking it home, grandma found it
in the airing cupboard, and said to him:

"Tim, if there's anything you don't
understand about women,

you need only ever ask".

And this is the bridge where Raif would
like me to tell you about something,

but over there is the electric fence
where Raif, aged 5,

electrocuted his penis
by trying to wee against it,

and had to be taken to the hospital
with his pants down,

and the doctor, who I thought had
a terrific sense of humour, said:

"From now on, every time you do
a poo, your nose will light up".

And little Raif burst into tears.
Boo-hoo-hoo.

(Raif) Thank you.

Hello, and welcome to 'Mr and Mrs',

where we find out how much the bride
and groom know about each other.

-I really don't wanna do this.
-I told you.

Put the box on, it'll be good.

So, Saskia, if you could get married
anywhere in the world,

-where in the world would you get married?
-I dunno.

Up a mountain or maybe the side
of a volcano or--

Really?

You're not meant to be able to hear
in the box.

-I thought you liked the Grosvenor?
-I do.

I like it. If we have to have a load of
guests then it's fine.

Tim. People often refer to me
as the human Las Vegas.

But if Saskia were any city in the world,
what city would she?

Oh, eh, I don't know.

-Leicester?
-Leicester?

-You're not meant to be able to hear--
-What's wrong with Leicester?

-Le...I mean...
-It's bright, it's central.

-It's got great connections.
-Oh.

-It's nice. Have you ever been?
-No. Fair enough.

-Right, put those on.
-I guess I am 'Leicester'.

-Put that there. Thank you.
-Thank you.

Right. Tim.

What's the most embarrassing thing that's
happened during sexual intercourse?

-Don't you dare answer that.
-You're not meant to be...

-Ow! Turn it down. Jesus.
-Tim.

What does Saskia think
is your most irritating habit?

She'd probably say
I don't really have any.

-Are you sure?
-Yeah.

-Final answer?
-Yeah.

Okay.

Saskia.
What is Tim's most irritating habit?

Oh, God. Snoring.

No? Did he say rolling down,
when he rolls down the cereal packet?

Counting my drinks? No.

When he puts the toilet paper in a 'V'.
That's really...

Oh, no, did...

did you think I was gonna say...

He folds up his dirty underwear
before he puts it in the laundry.

I don't actually find that annoying.
I think it's funny.

-It makes sense.
-Yeah, I know.

You fold it, you get more
in the laundry basket.

I thought maybe you thought
that's what I thought--

Many people find getting married
is a time to re-examine their atheism.

-Hallo.
-Oh, hi.

-Reverend Dobbs? Tim.
-Tim, how are you?

-Hi, Saskia. Hello.
-Hello.

Oh, sorry. This is, um,
this is the best man.

He's just doing like a film thing
for the wedding.

No, no, that's fine. That's fine.

I'm quite used to being in front of
a camera.

-(Raif) Oh, shit.
-Um, would you like to come in?

Welcome...to Damascus.

-(Tim) Right, so--
-This is it.

Mary said to Joseph,
"I don't think this is our donkey".

(laughing)

That little boy.

-Every time.
-That's really good.

Cool, so um,

could we, so the wedding, is that...
The wedding.

-Of course, sorry, the wedding.
-I suppose we were thinking...

Right.

So...

are you both virgins?

Well, um...

(laughing)

Your face. (laughing)

-Wow.
-Every time. Every time.

(upbeat music)

Now, Saskia wasn't
the only bride that summer.

Also getting hitched was Zanna.

Daughter of Alex's friend slash rival
Jacqui Mercedes Franchise.

All right, yeah.

(upbeat music)

♪ The best things in life are free ♪

After a perfect ceremony
and a flawless dove release,

experts were predicting this would be
the Cheshire wedding of the year.

-Gold leaf champagne?
-Oh, wonderful.

Cheshire mushroom. Picked this
morning by the groom.

-Really?
-Complimentary camera?

Lovely.

-Frozen sugared rose petals.
-For fuck's sake.

Jacqui had hired
a professional film crew.

They had a lot of fancy kit but lacked
a sort of creative integrity,

demonstrated by a more independent
film-maker.

(indistinct chatter and laughter)

It's a glorious wedding.
You've been brilliant.

So is your wedding gonna be like this?

Yeah, a bit like. I mean,
it's a wedding, isn't it?

We've had the bit in the church, now you
do the milling around, avoiding people.

-Well, you know, general milling.
-Boys...

Come in here.

Come in here. See this.

Take a look at this.

Get every detail. Even the canopy,
you know. They've thought of...

These little diamondy things.
It's a lovely touch.

Could you clear the basin
so we can look at that?

And this. The toilets.
Elmsley and Barnes in a portable.

-(woman gasps)
-Oh, I'm so sorry.

(rock-'n-roll music)

Sorry.

(music continues)

The wedding was perfection.
But Jacqui hadn't finished.

Zanna was going to sing for us.

(applause)

A simple love song sung from the heart?
No. This was a Cheshire wedding so...

(ship horn)

(instrumental intro:
My Heart Will Go On)

Smoke, smoke. More smoke.

(coughing)
Too much smoke. Cut the smoke.

(shouts)

(gasps)

-Daddy!
-The Ice!

(cracking noises)

(hushed chatter)

Oh, shit.

(birds chirping)

The next morning
I found a very different Alex.

(glorious instrumental music)

With the favourite fallen at the last,

the race for Cheshire Wedding
Of The Year was wide open.

Alex decided to pick up the pace.

Suddenly I had a new camera
and shit loads of kit.

Sorry, I got a bit of our reflection
in there.

Sorry, Alex, have to do that again.

-Hi There. My name's--
-Sorry, Rog. Lift the mic up a bit.

Sorry. Hi.
My name's Roger and I'm delighted,

because I've just been asked
to write a love song for this video.

Well, we said if you held the mic
we'd discuss it, so it's not a...

All right. No, Rog...

And you can find yourself
another fucking sound man.

You're definitely doing it.
You are definitely, definitely doing it.

Cheers, man.

(instrumental music)

-Oh, Rog, don't stand there.
-What?

You're in the shot.

And this is the Meribelle
modelled by Tricia.

Tricia's put on a little weight recently,

but the Meribelle's woven
with elastic panels,

so it can cope with the odd doughnut.

-Rog, you're in shot again.
-Can I have a go?

No, you can't have a go.
I've got a tone here, a style developing.

But this thing's killing my arms.

You wouldn't ask Rembrandt "Can I have
a go on your paintbrush?" Would you?

-Don't be a twat.
-Don't say that at a wedding fayre.

-Twat!
-Rog, shut up!

(Saskia) I'm just saying it would be nice.
Well, your brother made it.

-Actually, yeah. Have a go.
-Cool.

(upbeat music)

So, our guinea pig today is Lauren.
Lauren, have you set a date?

I have, Penny. 30th of January, 3 years'
time, Mairstone Castle.

3 years. Wow. Is your groom all right
about that long a wait?

I haven't actually met anyone yet, but if I
don't book now I won't get the venue.

And with our specialist technology,
we put weights within the bouquet,

so that the extra weight of the posy
will tense your biceps.

It will strengthen your triceps,

and it will eliminate any risk
of bingo wings on your big day.

But also to try and find something that's
compatible with your current--

Obviously, you don't wanna be all like--

You don't want to be stiff on the morning
after your wedding.

-Yeah, Raif. Stop it.
-Hmm?

Stop it.

Hi, guys. So the idea is you visit
the studios

around six weeks before your
wedding day,

and you bring your wedding lingerie,
your veil and tiara,

and then we direct you
into these amazing body sculpting poses.

Do this. Definitely do this.

Ever the other way round?
Do you ever film grooms for brides?

Yes, of course, sir. Would you like
to enter our draw to win a photo-shoot?

No, thank you. It's great.
No, it's not for me.

-Thank you so much. Thank you.
-Thanks. Cheers.

(Raif) Cor, don't mind if I do.

-Actually, yes, I will.
-Great.

The heat of the room warms them up.
So at the special moment,

la-la, voilà,
wedding filled with butterflies.

-That is stupendous.
-Look at that.

-We've got to have that.
-You have.

-Is that one dead?
-No, they're just sleeping.

They're all...Those four are dead.
Look, that's not moving.

That one's alive.
I think it's eating that one.

Look, there's one right here.
There's one on you. (gasps)

Get it off. Please take it off.
I don't want it.

Please, take it off. I don't like...
Sorry.

-(Raif) They're nice.
-I don't want that, actually. Sorry.

What can a butterfly do except
look lovely?

-Sas...
-Don't worry, we'll have them.

-Thank you.
-Three boxes for each per...

-So we've got eight bridesmaids--
-Well, um...

making it personal to Saskia, you know.
I think that's what...Don't we?

What makes a wedding special.
Those little personal ideas,

personal touches that make it
absolutely, entirely Saskia's.

And I hope that's what Jenna's
going to come up with.

(Raif) What's it like
being a wedding planner?

Oh, well being a wedding planner's
a dream job for a woman.

You get married 6 times a year and you
never have to go home with a men.

-And you used to be an air hostess?
-Er, yes.

I stopped being an air hostess after
one particularly bad flight into...

Helsinki, after which I sort of
lost confidence.

And my love for the job, and I suffered
a severe loss of drive.

Severe loss of, of motivation. Plus um...

I started to...

scream quite a bit during turbulence,
so that wasn't...

so good.

Remember one thing.

People come for the bride and the groom,

but they go home,

talking about the butterfly release.

Wow.

This is going to be really special.

To get some tips for Tim and Saskia's
first dance,

we've managed to get Konstantin
Yevchinski from the Moscow Ballet.

So our thought was, um,
this is kind of our song.

Well, not our song but a song
that was playing when,

on the night we met. So...
(music: The Power of Love)

(Konstantin speaking Russian)

Um, do it, the dance, now.

(music continues)

(Konstantin speaking Russian)

Um, you two have never had sex.

(speaking Russian)

You dance like you've never had sex.

Have you had sex?

-Not since we got here.
-No.

Dance is passion.

It's not here. It's here.
(Tim gasps)

(speaking Russian)

(music: Play That Funky Music)

(music: Dancing The Night Away)

(squealing and chuckling)

(Irish Folk Music)

(music: Shaking That Ass)

(Irish Folk Music)

(music: Shaking That Ass)

(Tango music)

(Konstantin yells in Russian)

(continues speaking in Russian)

-It's, it's shit. Basically.
-Right.

(Russian)

Terrible. Shit. Penis limp.

(Russian)

Drooping like two wildebeests
or any bison like creature.

-Pissed bison. Yeah, pissed.
-Oh, no, don't...

Oh, if you just...

Maestro!

(Tango music)

(Konstantin grunts) Oh, yes.

(gasping)

(speaking Russian)

(giggling)

If you feel passion in your partner,
you'll feel it!

(Raif) Is that right, Alex?
Did you feel his passion?

Sorry?

(Konstantin groans)

(Raif) Gonna put the camera here.
I've no idea what I'm filming.

Who was it who said: "You never know
what's around the corner"?

Um, John F Kennedy.

No, I think it was Forrest Gump,
wasn't it? That chocolate's thing?

Anyway, you plan for one venue
and suddenly

one you could only dream of
gets a wedding licence.

-What are you talking about?
-Something happened with the Grosvenor?

What's going on?

Blindfolds off.

(instrumental music)

(Raif chuckles)

If there was a lesson to be learned
from the sinking of the Titanic,

like something about bigger
not always being better,

Alex was studiously ignoring it.
(Alex chuckles)

It's all yours.

It's quite ridiculous.
We're just gonna say 'no'.

Yeah, it's too big. I know, don't worry.

Come here, look at this.

The first couple to be married at
Rostherne Hall. How does that sound?

Great.

(Alex chuckles)

-Tim?
-Yeah.

-(Saskia) We're in a bloody stately home!
-I was there, I saw it.

Raif Moyle reporting here.

As I'm showing you everything
that happened in the run-up to the wedding,

I think it's important that we document
some of the 'speed bumps' on the...

-path of the happy day.
-(Tim) We're discussing it.

It's a bit bloody late now. 2 seconds later
Mum comes over and you're like...

-"O, great. Fantastic!"
-What am I supposed to do?

Say, "Shove it up your arse, your stately
home". No, I can't do that.

She's your mother, it makes her happy.

One day he'll look back on that,

and really laugh.

(door slams shut)

(commentator) Next on the card
is the 3:25 Rigid Box Haulage Stakes.

Classified race over 7 furlongs.

(crowd cheering)

Are you running?

Um girls, I'm afraid there's been a change
of venue for the wedding,

-so new invitations.
-My God, they haven't double-booked?

-Not the Grosvenor, surely?
-No, no. It's just that, um...

Somewhere else came up which had
always been Saskia's favourite anyway.

-Oh, my God.
-It's not a hassle, is it?

-Had you booked cabs?
-Alex, it's Rostherne Hall.

Wow, it's Rostherne Hall.

How on earth did you manage
to get that?

-Amazing. That's...
-It's unheard of, actually.

-Wow.
-Brilliant.

Are you getting all this? Sorry, but if you
don't take the first time then...

the reactions aren't so real.
Thanks, Raif.

(commentator indistinct)

-It's outrageous.
-Oh, it's fucking ridiculous.

-It's far too big.
-But it's cold, Jacqui, that's the thing.

-She'll never heat it.
-No, I know, it's wrong.

(Raif) So, Des,
how's the big speech coming along?

How's this for an opener?

"Ladies and gentlemen,

most of you know I am not Saskia's
biological father,

but I like to think
I am her nonbiological one...

-Well, will that get a laugh?
-Um...

-Bird cages. With real birds in them.
-Oh.

And you dye the bird to match the cage.
Or you can have a white one and a black.

-I don't want birds.
-Darling, look...

Picture frames on twigs.

-Why?
-Why? Why not. Why not.

The doctor said,
"I can't see a parrot, madam,

but I can tell you've had a cockatoo".

-Inappropriate?
-(Raif) Um...

Wheat grass. Just knock it back.
Good for your teeth.

Okay.

Just...

Okay.

-Er, wheat grass.
-Mum, I--

Wheat grass!
(deep loud voice) Wheat grass!

-Thank you, Jenna.
-Jenna's being marvellous.

-Something with a horn. Thank you.
-(Alex laughing) Stop it.

I'm gonna be your mother-in-law
in a week.

(music)

-It's lovely.
-Feel that, you can just...

I think it could do with a coat of arms.
An escutcheon thing with the family crest.

(music continues)

250? 300.

(music continues)

Oh, sorry.

Forget my head. All right?
Oh, you got that down you? Good.

-Ta-da!
-Oh, I think they're perfect.

No. I don't like it.

As you enter, the falcon flies the length
of the church,

and delivers you the wedding rings.

-(bell tinkles)
-All right?

Jenna, you're a genius.
You are a genius.

We'll have that. Definitely. Fantastic.

(Tim) I don't know what it is.
It's part of the theme, isn't it?

What, birds of prey theme? Okay.
I must have missed that meeting,

we decided to have
a predator themed wedding.

-Okay. I'll change it.
-Were you at the meeting?

I'll tell them you're not happy
with the falcons delivering the rings.

Let's have a couple of penguins
with them on trays. Yeah?

That's a nice idea.
Yeah, thank you.

(Raif) So, I was thinking we should film
at the summerhouse.

Are you gonna watch that?
Is that why you're making it?

-It's a present for you.
-Yeah? Well, stop it. Okay?

Just put it down.
If it's a present for me then...

When somebody offers you a present,
it is customary to accept.

There's actually a tribe
in Eastern Siberia where--

Can you get the salsa, please?

-I don't think the camera's the problem.
-I do, Raif.

-No, it's that you don't back up Saskia.
-All right, I'll get it myself.

-You roll over to Alex all the time.
-What?!

-Anything she says--
-I haven't rolled over to anyone.

Don't be silly. If she told you you were
having an underwater wedding,

-you'd be round there in a frog suit.
-I want you to be there,

in the middle of this nightmare
helping me organise this wedding,

instead of just dicking around
around the edges.

How dare you! I am not dicking
around the edges.

-I'm taking this very serious.
-What the hell is this?

Right, yeah. Well...

I won a raffle at a wedding show.
It seemed like a shame to waste it.

-You say "no" for the sake of saying no.
-No. Mum.

You've always been like this.
"No, I don't like braces".

"No, I don't want to go to finishing
school." But you've got to try things.

Oh, I've got to try things?
Well, I've never tried heroin, so...

-Can you stop filming, please?
-Shall I try some?

-Probably not.
-Mum.

You want me to travel in a Rolls Royce.
Fine.

Then you change your mind.
You want to travel in a Bentley. Fine!

Don't you want enchantment?
Don't you want your day to...

-Don't you want it to be special?
-Mum, are you taking heroin?

Because every time I tell you
what I want, it's like you're not there!

Do not say that.

I'm no monster. I'm a mother who wants
her daughter's wedding day to be special.

(horse neighs, sound of horses hooves)

I didn't like to say in front of your mother
but I think that horse had the horn.

You look like you could do with a drink.

We're there. There.

Okay. Oh, Crikey, I'm on now, am I?

Yes, you are officially part
of our wedding video.

-Show him the ring, darling.
-Oh, that's lovely. Congratulations.

-Thank you.
-We're very happy.

Well done. So you're looking for wine
for how many?

-600. Yeah.
-600?

-600?
-Yeah, we're up to 6 now.

Right, 600. Right, okay, well, I'll just...

Sit down. I'll just get a little selection.

-A seat for the bride?
-Thank you, my darling.

Don't mention it, my sweet.

Won't be long. Just make yourselves
comfortable. 600?

-Six. Yes.
-Our 600 guests,

who we shall now
try all of the wine for.

Mmmm.

-You get the almonds just at the end.
-It just nips in there.

The almond just nips in there.

I can taste liquorice.

And liquorice as well, yes. Well spotted.

-Do you have any others with liquorice?
-I think...

Actually, yes. Hold tight.

Now we're in...

business.

Cheers.

-That's lovely.
-I'm getting mango.

-Are you?
-Mango?

But jasmine as well?
Bit of jasmine in there?

-Very moreish.
-Yeah.

Yeah. Lovely, yes. Thank you.
Now this has a lovely,

herbaceous,

green aromas.

So we can compare them,
let's get another of the...

the, er, one, um,
the one before.

You see the bottle opener
anywhere?

-You're so funny, Andrew. You're so funny.
-You two, I know.

-To happy happiness.
-And plenty more where that came from.

You just see what you wanna see,
don't you?

You just bloody see what you wanna see.

(Andrew 'singing')

(Roger) Do you wanna hear the song
that I've written?

(Saskia) Yeah.

♪ His name is Tim
Your name is Saskia ♪

Well, is that...

Is that it?

I can't remember what I did after that,
to be honest.

I don't think I want my wedding song
written by the 'orgasm gun' guy.

Okay, just to clarify.
At school Roger and I were in a band.

I say 'band'. We only had the one song.

♪ Doctor Sargasso's orgasm gun ♪

I say 'song'. It was really just one line
that we repeated over and over again,

whilst everyone pretended to have
an orgasm,

which went down surprisingly poorly
at the Christmas carol concert.

♪ Doctor Sargasso's orgasm gun

-♪ Doctor Sargasso's orgasm gun ♪
-Sorry, what, hello.

-Waaaaay!
-What's going on?

Where have you been?
We've gotta eat.

We...we, we have to go and eat,
to eat with the chef.

-Who gave her the spliff? You?
-Er, hello.

-I'm still in the room. I can hear you.
-Yeah, right, you are.

Tim!
(laughing)

Don't laugh at him.

(Saskia) And you're just like "Yeah, fine"
to whatever she says.

-That is such a load of bollocks.
-Yes, you are!

I've never heard such shit in my life.

-What did you do all day?
-I wanted to go out.

-Raif was there.
-Just been titting around with him.

She just needed a break
from the wedding stuff.

Don't make this harder than it is already.

I see you've worked out the title
of your autobiography then. (chuckles)

Hiring Rostherne Hall attracted the
attention of the local glossy magazine,

which promptly made them the stars
of their 'Wedding Of The Month' feature.

This required a photo-shoot.

Smile. Just remember you're in love.

And you have your whole lives together.

Meanwhile, out on the terrace,

Britain's next top model was getting
ready to have her photo taken, too.

This is my favourite view, looking
from the house down towards the lake.

Just look this way, please. Lovely.
And again.

-Oh, that's nice.
-With Patricia in such an excellent mood,

I thought I'd ask some burning questions.

So, Patricia, it must have been a very
different family before Alex met Des?

Not much money around. Was it...

I'm assuming Alex and Saskia's dad
must have separated?

(scoffs) Probably about 20 minutes
after conception.

Right. Might be hard to track him down
for an interview, then.

Well, you could stand on the Eiffel Tower,

and shout out, "Has anyone had sex
with a waitress on holiday?"

But being in France I don't suppose many
hands would stay down, would they?

(Raif) Then she says: (mimics Patricia)
"But being France, I doubt many hands...

-If you could try to...
-Here we are.

Here is the groom. And the best man.

This is Luke from Exclusive Videos who's
going to be shooting the wedding video,

so the pressure's off you, Raif.
You can focus on your main job now.

Raif?

You can focus on being best man.

This one was shot by the third
Lord Rostherne, in Kenya I think.

Early 1800s. Magnificent beast.

I could let Alex have her official version
of events,

but I decided I was gonna keep filming
as well. Under cover.

(indistinct talk and laughter)

Anyway, these ones were in West Africa.
Chased them for days.

Very rare breed. Almost extinct.
Terrible trouble hunting them down.

And round here, a special one.
Very special.

The jewel in the crown.

This was the one the third Lord
was most proud of.

-You don't see many of these.
-No, I can imagine.

Couldn't stuff the whole thing.
The rest we made into cushions.

(Raif laughing)

(mimicking Lady Rostherne)
Saturday afternoon, 1978, Chester Zoo.

Very difficult shot. Children everywhere.

Ah, now these magnificent specimens,

for me they sum up what was really
great about this country.

They're a constant reminder,

that the English were never afraid to shoot
a grazing herbivore right up the arse,

from behind a wall of Nigerians.
(laughs pompously)

And this is my favourite.
I actually stuffed him myself.

But it was too rainy to go hunting,

so we bought him from a pet shop,

took him home,
kicked him down the stairs.

(with posh accent ) I say,
bam-bam old girl, what's through here?

Er...

The fourth Lord, who married
into the Marquillage family,

and, finally, the fifth Lord.

My late husband.

(mimicking Lady Rostherne)
Oh, look. Here he is.

Harold, you've lost weight.
Have they not been feeding you?

Sas, grab the camera.

He was wonderful. Very kind.
Very sensitive.

Very Christian man.

I still feel his presence everywhere
in this house.

(mimicking Lord Rostherne)
Hello. Lord Rostherne here.

Just reliving some of my favourite
moments from out on safari.

Out on the savannah, some chap told me
you can't call yourself a real hunter,

till you've popped the old chap
in a tiger's mouth.

I said, "Sir, if you'd met Lady Rostherne
you'd know--

-This is my bedroom.
-That's a blessed relief.

Oh, my God.

Hi, this is Saskia.

I am reporting on a camera
which has just been confiscated,

by my mother from Raif,

who is currently in there getting
a major bollocking--

What's he done? What did he do?

No, it's fine. We were just,

-We were in the private rooms and--
-"We"?

Why are you treating this like
it's a laugh?

This is a wedding, Saskia.
This is not a laugh, this is a wedding.

It's getting closer and you treating it
like it's some fucking party,

is not gonna help us get through this!

(birds chirping)

(Saskia chuckles)

It's still here.

This is a site of immense historical
importance.

Anyone who bunked off Roton High
ended up down here drinking beer.

And this is where Raif is going to
meet me if he wants his camera back.

(mimicking lady Rostherne)
Good day, Lord Rostherne!

(mimicking Lord Rostherne)
My good Lady Rostherne, how are you?

-Old Glory!
-Oh, my God.

-57 pence.
-Old Glory.

-Yes.
-They still make it.

I hope so. This may be from the batch he
still had the last time I went in there.

I think mine's got hairs floating in it.
I can't drink this.

I've got a wedding dress fitting
this afternoon.

-Definitely don't drink that.
-I'm supposed to be drinking wheat grass.

-Enjoy that.
-Let me have a taste, one taste.

-And it's just as...
-Wow.

-Revolting as I remember.
-That will put hairs on your hairs.

(music)

-How did you end up in Lucerne?
-It was gran's idea.

European college to help prepare
for society.

Like university?

Er, one of the lessons was how to listen
to a conversation.

You're kidding.

-How long did you last?
-6 days.

-Wow.
-Got chucked out drawing

'How to get out of a sports car without
flashing your knickers'.

I wasn't wearing any. I was.
(laughing)

-Things went downhill from there.
-How?

-Well, basically just more and more debts.
-Go on.

-There was a hire car driven into a lake.
-Wow.

There was an affair with the bloke who
took the stitches out. He was lovely.

Then I had a fight with his wife.
(Raif laughing)

I got in with this biker gang. I mean,

it was incredible
and just the loveliest guys.

Um, but...

turned out they were basically using
me as a drugs mule.

(Raif laughing)

I realised I had spiked my own drink.

The bloke that had his tooth removed,
he's suing me because he's a flautist.

(Raif laughing hysterically)

She set my ponytail on fire. And the rest
of the bar. It was awful.

I had to leave Italy after that.
(Raif laughing)

My mum and Des had to fly out
while I'm in hospital,

waiting till I'm fit enough to stand bail.
Oh, my God.

And that's when Saskia Dutton
became Saskia Critchley.

Right. Come on, come with me.

Where are we going? Raif.

This is the summerhouse. Mum and dad
bought it when we were small.

Oh, look.

You can imagine coming here
when you were a kid.

'Swallows And Amazons' and
'The Famous Five' all rolled into one.

So peaceful.
(fog horn) What the...?

The River Dee was a vital
watercourse--

-Oh, that's new.
-It rises in the hills in Llanuwchllyn--

(Saskia) Oh, bloody hell.

Cheap lock.

Wow.

(Raif chuckles) This is...

Look at this.

(chuckling)

They always said they'd see the world,
mum and dad.

So when they died, me and Tim decided
we'd do the trip for them.

Sold the house.

Bought the tickets.
Head to Patagonia where they were.

Are.

I made it but...

Tim didn't.

Because he met you.

No, not like that. No.

No, I...
He should have stayed.

Well...

They'd have really liked you.

Thank you.

See if you can hit that stick.

-Rubbish.
-Shit.

This is THE tree.

Tim could never climb it but yours truly
is basically Spider-Man.

-Wow. Go on, then. Go on.
-Uh?

Go on.

Thank you. That's nice.

-Um...
-You all right?

Not really.

-Little help?
-Yeah. Okay.

-Fuck.
-Oh, my God. (giggling)

I wanted them to be like footprints
of all my travels. So,

I got that in Tijuana, cool snake.

They say never fall in love with a stripper
but that's California.

Hello, Jeanie.

Monkeys fighting robots. That's, well,
Tokyo, obviously.

And then up here on my chest I got this
Maori guy to design,

it was beautiful, my mum and dad's
birth signs.

-Oh!
-Yeah. Except it went septic so,

I went to Dagenham and this bloke
covered it with a massive fucking dragon.

-Oh, my God.
-Sweet, right. (Fog horn)

The River Dee was a vital watercourse
for the Romans.

Um, yeah. Turn that off.

Seriously. Turn that off.

And on your left you'll see the native
tribes people of this area.

(people screaming, Raif grunting)

(Saskia laughing)

Rog.

Gina Palladia, Foregate Street.

We're gonna do a special shot.
(Saskia chuckles)

Bring your guitar.

Okay, cue music, Rog.

And here comes the bride!

-(Raif mimicking a trumpet)
-Cock.

-What?
-That's what the models say. Pout, cock.

-Pout. Cock. Cock.
-Cock? (chuckling)

Right. Give me tigress.
(Saskia snarls, Raif laughs)

Ninja.
(mimicking fighting sounds)

Er, okay, dance for me.
My flamenco beauty! You must dance!

(Saskia squeals, Raif laughs)

(Raif continues laughing)

Sas?
(sobs)

Saskia?

Saskia?

Sas...

(Roger) Raif! Raif!

Sas! Saskia!

(Roger) Raif! What do I do?
Do you want me to keep filming?

(Raif) Sorry, mate, sorry.
There you go. Sas!

-Raif!
-Please come back, Saskia!

-Saskia!
-(Roger) Well, what do I do?

Raif.

Bingo.

Can I say the thing that anybody would say
to a woman 2 days before her wedding--

I'm not nervous.

All right.

Well, Doctor Raif's in session.
Taking patients. Ding.

Come on.

I'm very compassionate.

Compassion's nature's way of helping
ugly men find partners, so...

I'm unhappy. Okay?

And it's dark.

Like imagine the darkest colour
you can imagine.

Like black but even darker.

Well, it's like this sticky,
dark oil has been...

poured into my heart and it hurts.

And it's just this big black,
smoker's lung of...

unhappiness just dripping with...

blackness.

Fuck.

(sobs)

Year 11. You bunked off halfway through
cross country. Got on a bus,

just so you could see the Chemical
Brothers check out of a hotel.

April that same year,
the week Kurt Cobain died,

you asked if you could read
in assembly,

but you didn't read from the Bible,
you read out Nirvana,

even when they tried
to drag you away.

Sports Day, you pierced your ear
and it bled and you cried for an hour,

and the little kid in the year below you,

bought you some ice cubes
and you smiled at him.

And that smile stopped his heart.

And I'll never forget that smile.

-Oh...
-So any time you feel less than fantastic,

you remember, you're Saskia Dutton,
Saskia Dutton.

Sorry.

(Roger) Whoa.

(Roger) Okay.

They didn't?

Oh, they didn't.
Please tell me they didn't.

So has someone seen them?

Someone definitely knows?

Oh, great.

(Raif) Something wrong?

The Koreans who were going to do foot
massage in the toilets just got deported.

(Roger) Hey, Raif.

What are you gonna do about this?
Hmm?

-Please tell me you're gonna tell him.
-Turn the camera off.

-No chance. This scene is far too--
-Give me the camera.

Hey. Old Cheshire Glory.
It's his favourite. Took me ages to find it.

Apparently they've stopped making it.
It killed too many tramps.

-Raif's got something to say.
-No, no. Listen, that should be me.

Look, I just want to say...
No, no, no I'm sorry,

for being arsey and stroppy, you know,
with everyone.

It's just the wedding and the whole...
(groans)

I took myself to one side and I gave
myself a very stern talking to,

and you know what?
Everything's fine.

You know, I'm fine, the wedding's all fine,

because I know,
I'm doing the right thing. Aren't I?

And Saskia's all right.
I mean, you'd know.

-He's a much better judge of women.
-Saskia isn't...

Leicester. You asked me what town
she was and I said 'Leicester'.

(Tim snorts, Raif chuckles)

She's not Leicester. She's...

Rio and Mardi Gras
and Amsterdam and...

-Barcelona in the rain.
-I've never been to any of those places.

You don't have to now,
you're marrying Saskia Dutton.

The world comes to you.

Hey.

The Moyle brothers.
All for one and one for all.

(guitar music)

♪ Your woman
Is your angel

♪ Is your left side
Your whole life

♪ And easily the most beautiful thing
in your world

♪ She'll soothe you
Accuse you

♪ Confuse you
She'll lose you

♪ But always be the best friend
you have in the world

♪ Time and space

♪ Things in their place

♪ I know it's more than a feeling

♪ Cos my love it has no ceiling for you ♪

-(Saskia) Raif?
-Hey.

Oh. Hi, hey. Um...

I just wanted to say
everything's fine.

Oh. (chuckles)

It's funny, I was just thinking
how fine everything was. So...

Good. Um, well...

that's what I came to--
-Say. And what I was just thinking.

Um, good.

Obviously a bit...

weird but um...

-it happens.
-Oh, all the time.

-Happened to me once on a ferry which...
-What?

-What are you...?
-I don't know.

-What were you saying?
-How, in the kebab shop when I...

-Yeah. No, done. Erased. Don't worry.
-No, um...

No, I mean that there obviously
there are things to um...

to address um...

-for me and Tim, not...
-Oh. No, look...

-and this is not the time.
-just get this wedding out of the way.

And then sort out the marriage after.
I mean, you don't have to sort it out.

-No, no, er, yeah...it's okay.
-You've got 2 days till the wedding.

-You've seen the schedule, so...
-Oh God, bloody Jenna. She's...

(sighs)

Cool. So...

I guess I will see you then. So...

As long as you're fine.

-Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
-Right.

-You all right?
-Yeah.

So you...organised anything?

Well, I just thought you'd prefer,
you know...

Well, it's just as well I booked
a stripper.

-What?
-What?

We went through this. I said Tim's not
gonna want that sort of thing.

Come on, mate--

Tim Moyle?

You've been a very naughty boy.

-For fuck's sake.
-It's fine, Raif, calm down.

You've been a very naughty boy.

And you know how we punish--
(mobile phone rings)

Sorry, I've gotta take this.

Dave, just wait till I get home.

Sorry.

Oh, you naughty boy.

I'm gonna have to take you into custody--
(mobile phone rings)

Sorry.

Dave, I said just wait till I get home.

(scoffs)
Why is my job suddenly a problem?

(scoffs)

You know why I'm doing it.

You know! Don't you think I feel dirty?

-Don't you think I feel used?
-Thanks for this, Rog.

(playfully snarling)
Come on. It's my fault he's like this.

Mate, I'm fine. Completely fine,
don't worry. Drink!

Hey.

Here we go. Internet.
Ultimate stag night challenge list.

-No, no. Give it here.
-Yes.

Rog! We're not doing some dopey bunch
of challenge--

Number 1: 3 shots in 3 seconds.

Go.

Number 2: join another stag party.

That's interesting.
We thought of using those caterers.

3 and 4, combined.
(cheers)

Okay, skip that one. What's next?

Oi, you! You been chatting up my bird?

Number 6: kiss a policewoman.

7: join a hen night.

-(Tim yells)
-Ooo.

(Tim) Don't do that!

No, sorry, ladies. Yeah.
(screaming)

I didn't like that.

Number 9:

(door bell rings)

-No.
-It's a big candle.

No, this is wrong.

-You again?
-We're collecting for charity.

I've already told you to bugger off once
today. Yeah, you keep running.

And who the fuck are you? Go on,
bugger off, the lot of you.

(chuckles, clears throat)

(classical music)

So it's the big day.
Are you feeling nervous?

Er, well, yes, of course I'm nervous.
Morning of the wedding. (scoffs)

But the skill of the planner
is to remain a pool of calm.

-And how do you manage that?
-Can't remember what they're called,

but it's fine as long as you don't mix them
with alcohol.

(camera man)
Mrs Critchley, how are you feeling?

Well, this is the big day. The day we've
all been building up towards.

And we're suitably nervous.

Champagne at the ready.
Excuse the curlers.

Fridges for ice sculptures on your left.
Chocolate sculptures on your right.

Not now. Thank you.

-(Alex) Italian princess kind of look.
-Lovely, loose flowing curls.

-Where the hell are my falcons?
-Round the table.

-Good.
-Thank you.

Can you get my hat from the
bathroom and my bag, please?

Thank you very much. Hat. Thanks.
Absolute frenzy.

Wonder if it's anything
like this at Tim's house?

(birds chirping, snoring)

(Roger) Oh, good God.
Tim? Tim, wake up.

It's morning, it's 10 o'clock.

Oh my God. (coughing)
Oh my God. Oh, my...

Raif, it's 10 o'clock. Raif...

What the fuck am I wearing?
(Roger laughs)

Raif? Raif?

Raif, it's my wedding day!
Gotta get up, help me out of this.

-Help me, Raif.
-No, stay still, stay still.

-Help me out. There's a zip.
-All right, all right.

I can't go to the wedding dressed
like a cock.

Oh, goodness me.
I'm getting nervous now.

(Roger) Raif, don't finish that.

Sorry.

Put this on. Put this on.

50 minutes. 50 minutes till I get married.

Phone. Shoes!
50 minutes till I get married.

It's got to feel rock solid.
No, it needs to be further forward.

Okay, is the best man's speech
written down? I need to see it.

Not to interfere but just
to check the language.

Alex says no jokes about Europeans,

because the Belgian Ambassador's
gonna be there. And also--

Okay, out we get. As the guests
approach you smile.

And then you strew flowers. Okay?

It's important you remember the names
of the ushers. Toby, Fraser and Uri.

He's the Ambassador's son. It's their job
to marshal everyone for the photograph,

because the photographer says...(beeps)
Sorry, what's happening?

Has a tyre blown out?
Have we got a spare?

Where are you going?
What's that noise?

Oh, no, you're not gonna be sick.
Don't be sick on the suit. Okay?

-I have to tell you something.
-Go back in the car.

-I have to confess.
-About what?

About me and Saskia.

Right. 10 minutes.

-I'll go in the first car with your gran.
-Mum.

Don't.

-What?
-I know what you're going to say.

You do?

And, believe me, seeing you walk down
the aisle with the man you love,

that'll be thanks enough for me.

-Wish me luck.
-Good luck. Good luck.

-No, get off.
-You shit, you total...

What are you doing?

-Come on, get them apart.
-All right.

Just calm down, yeah.

(music)

(man) Limo one is code green.
Limo one code green.

Champagne to zone 4.
Cue aerial display. Go, go, go, go!

Oh, look, mother.

She kissed you?

Why?

-We were in the kebab shop and--
-She kissed you in a kebab shop?

It's because she's unhappy, Tim.
That's why.

You know...

And I don't think you're very happy either.

-And I think you should admit that.
-I'm fine. I told you.

Fine's not good enough, though.

Before I went travelling, you were more
than fine. You were...

And I come back and...

Whatever it is that makes you happy,
I'm in. But this wedding isn't it.

It happened because Saskia
isn't happy either,

-and yet you're both gonna turn up--
-It's too late.

-It's not too late.
-I can't talk to her at the church--

-Go to the hotel, then.
-The bells are gonna start in 12 minutes.

-She'll have left the hotel.
-She's a bride. She'll be late.

Right, okay. It's Saturday morning,
we've gotta get across town.

-Get back in the car.
-Have you got the keys, keys, keys?

We don't need the keys.
Yes, keys, get the keys.

And I said:

"I'm practically wearing a dress
anyway,

I can stand in for the bride,
but not the groom". (chuckling)

Sorry, are you saying that the groom
hasn't arrived either?

(continues chuckling)

(music)

-Are you sure it was here?
-It must.

They wouldn't have fallen out
anywhere else.

-Got them!
-Oh, yes, well done!

(screeching tires)

Rog, get in the car!
Get in the car!

All right, all right.

(music)

(car horn)

I don't believe this. You can't park there
on a Saturday, mate!

We've gotta go. Gotta see her.

-Congratulations. Well done!
-Oh, piss off.

-(man) Hey!
-And you.

Come on!

Beautiful.

Okay.

(music)

(Tim) Come on, nearly there.

Wait till you see the dress.
She looks absolutely--

-What room is she in?
-She's gone.

She's gone. She's...She's gone!

(music)

(man) We need to put the ice sculptures
out now.

No, no, no, no. Let me tell you, Georgio.

Currently I have an ice flamingo.
In 2 hours it'll be a goose.

In 3 hours a duck. In 4 hours I will be
serving my guests vodka

-in a fucking ice puffin.
-Okay, okay.

Thank you.

Oh, shit.

(music)

-Right here.
-No, it's left.

Right. They won't go on the motorway,
it'll be on the Old Chester Road.

Not clear. Repeat, not clear.
The Ambassador's not clear for zone 5.

The dog won't go in because
of the falcons.

Oh, dogs are in. The dogs are in,

the dogs have cleared the plane. Oh.

-What plane?
-Yeah, sniffer dogs. Sniffer dogs.

We're clear of the sniffer dogs.
We are ready to board.

(music)

(Jenna hums)

-Hang on, is that a Bentley?
-Yeah, that is a Bentley.

-Overtake it. Overtake it!
-All right, sorry.

(music)

(car horn)

-Hi.
-Hi.

What are you doing?

Um, do you wanna marry me, Sas?

(soft instrumental music)

-Tim, it's our wedding day.
-Yeah, it's our wedding day.

It's the happiest day of our lives and,

we can absolutely say if we don't want it.

(soft instrumental music)

Do you want it?

(soft instrumental music)

(indistinct and low chatter
soft organ music)

(man) I don't know. I think so.

Oh, Jenna. Jenna, I need...
Jen, um...okay, okay. Er...

It's just I think...between you and me,
we might have a bit of an emergency.

No, don't say that word. Ever.
(mumbling)

Shh.

Please be seated, madam. Thank you.

Oxygen masks will fall.

Ambassador.

Saskia.

Are you okay?

I just think we need to talk.

-Are you okay?
-I'm fine.

When, I mean...

How...

I mean...Tim, why now?

I told him.

-What?
-What happened in the kebab shop.

Tim...

You bastard.

-You stupid, dumb, idiot, bastard.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa.

-Oh, God. Why did you do this?
-Because it was the right thing to do.

If you wanna marry Tim, be my guest.
Those are your bells, your cars,

half a mile from here a wedding with
your names written all the way through it.

But you...

you are the most decent, wittiest,
loveliest bloke,

a brother could ever ask for. And you are
the girl who got me through school.

If I'm really honest, life probably.

So, it's about time that the people
in those 2 cars manned up,

started being really honest
with each other and bail!

Because, for God's sake, if you don't,

the light in the 2 people
that I love the most...

goes out.

Um...

Yeah, I may have just told you I love you,

and I probably should have told you
that before you were stood here,

in the middle of a field, on the way
to marry my brother but um...

if it's any consolation, I literally only
just realised that myself. So there we are.

I love you.

(soft instrumental music)

Does this mean I don't have
to give a speech?

She's not coming, is she?

Well, there we go.

I rather feared sending her
to finishing school,

was like painting varnish
on a diseased toenail.

Welcome to my world, Alex.

Welcome to a lifetime of publicly
apologising for your daughter.

I think I'll leave you to work out what
you're going to say to everyone.

(soft classical music)

(music stops)

There's something I have to tell you
and it's not going to be...

(footsteps)

(classical music)

Please remain in your seats until
the 'seat belt' signs are off, please.

Thank you.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today,

to join together in holy matrimony,

Saskia,

-and Tim.
-We're not.

Um, ladies and gentlemen,

hi.

Alex. Des.
You made me feel like part of a family,

at a time in my life when I most
needed one.

Thank you.

But...

that's no reason to marry
your daughter.

There's only one reason why a couple
should do that.

Fortunately, there's a couple here
who know why,

and, fortunately,

they're both very close to me.

(murmurs from people in church)

Raif.
Pronounced like a dog throwing up.

(hushed laughter)

Raif! (chuckles)

Are we...

Are you sure about this?

(soft instrumental music)

Well, it wouldn't be legal. You know,
we haven't had the banns read.

-We've got the audience here, so...
-There's gotta be a bit of it you can do.

Do you think maybe you could
improvise?

It would almost be like being...
an actor.

Dearly beloved,
(applause and cheers)

We are gathered here today,

to join in holy matrimony,

Saskia and Raif.

(cheers and applause)

We got married.
I know, what the hell were we thinking?

But, honestly, it was the greatest day.

(clicking of camera)

Not that the rest of the day went
without a hitch.

Saskia forgot that her bouquet
was largely made of metal.

(groans)

(clicking of camera)

Patricia put on a fur hat
and got attacked by a falcon.

I don't care whether it looks worse or not.
It's embarrassing.

Fucking ridic...I'm sorry, Vicar.
(squeals)

And somebody turned on the overhead
fan during the butterfly release.

(camera clicks, squeals)

But the best bit was
the father-of-the-bride speech.

(applause)

Go on, Des.

(clears throat)

It's all right. It's all right, love.

When I was my daughter's age
I ran away from home,

to the Isle of Man,
(chuckles)

And there I met a Frenchman who
showed me a bit of tenderness,

bit of compassion.

Went on to show me several other things,
including his,

camp-site, his tent, his genitals.
(laughter)

But to that boy,

whoever he was,
(chuckles)

And I've genuinely no idea,

and to my mother,

I owe everything.

(upset) Because that combination,

of coldness and warmth,

meant that I ended up with this.

You know, when a bride's late
for her wedding,

most normal women assume
it's an attack of nerves but,

I genuinely thought that history
had repeated itself,

that she might have done a runner
from me and found her Isle of Man,

and gone. And I wouldn't have blamed
her because,

I made that mistake we so often make.

I'd grown to be more like my parent,

when I should have grown more
like my child.

I expect you've spotted that,

Saskia didn't marry Tim.

She didn't even legally get married.
I don't actually know what happened but,

I don't care. I don't care.

I just want you to be happy.

And just come shopping
with me sometimes.

(applause)

(rock music)

(camera clicks)

(music, cheers, applause)

So, there we are, then. The end of
my wedding video. (chuckles)

Not what I thought I was making
when I started.

I mean, I did have a hunch
how it would end.

With the groom looking at the bride,

knowing that he is
the luckiest man on earth.

(camera clicks)

That shot.

♪ Every day is a reminder

(cheering) That's it,
cross-check and doors to manual.

♪ Every day is a reminder

♪ We ain't nothing but some

♪ If you cough up your smoke
cos your habit's a joke

♪ Da-da-da-da don't stop now

♪ If you the day

So we sit down, we do an interview
and we draw up a character profile,

and then we match the flowers
direct to your personality.

-Anyone ever come back as a cactus?
-No.

Triffid?

-Yes, madam?
-Cauliflower?

About eight and a half inches.
(chuckles) Yeah.

I'm just kidding.

♪ We're nothing but some matter

(laughing)

♪ Every day

♪ Every day

I now take you as Mrs Frodo Baggins.

Oh, bugger, wrong ring.

(squeals)

(Raif) Thank you.

I need a lake. I need a lake and a pond.

(music)

Ready, Go!

(Saskia groans) Ow!

(music)

(Jenna hums)

(music)

-Everything all right, gentlemen?
-Er, yes, thank you, lovely.

(cheers and applause in background)

(guitar music)
♪ Your woman is your angel

♪ Your left side
is your whole life

♪ And easily, the most beautiful thing
in your world

(guitar music)

I can't believe you wrote that just for me.

Every word.

Cut!

(instrumental music)

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