Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
2
00:00:06,597 --> 00:00:09,599
( MUSIC PLAYING )
3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
4
00:00:21,683 --> 00:00:23,182
Ow!
5
00:00:26,088 --> 00:00:29,256
( MUSIC PLAYING )
6
00:00:37,235 --> 00:00:40,103
♪ There's always Someone saying ♪
7
00:00:40,105 --> 00:00:42,739
♪ Somebody needs Something changing ♪
8
00:00:42,741 --> 00:00:45,410
♪ It's all a game We're playing ♪
9
00:00:45,412 --> 00:00:46,744
♪ It's never ending ♪
10
00:00:46,746 --> 00:00:48,447
♪ And no one can keep up ♪
11
00:00:48,449 --> 00:00:51,050
♪ Makes you feel Less than perfect ♪
12
00:00:51,052 --> 00:00:54,087
♪ Feels like It's so not worth it ♪
13
00:00:54,089 --> 00:00:56,423
♪ Labeled some kind of misfit ♪
14
00:00:56,425 --> 00:00:59,794
♪ Tell me haven't you Just had enough? ♪
15
00:00:59,796 --> 00:01:02,497
♪ Beauty has many faces ♪
16
00:01:02,499 --> 00:01:05,267
♪ You'll see them Different places ♪
17
00:01:05,269 --> 00:01:08,204
♪ I don't wanna be Someone else ♪
18
00:01:08,206 --> 00:01:10,841
♪ I only wanna be myself ♪
19
00:01:10,843 --> 00:01:12,676
♪ I feel alive ♪
20
00:01:12,678 --> 00:01:13,777
♪ I feel alive ♪
21
00:01:13,779 --> 00:01:16,381
♪ And I am beautiful ♪
22
00:01:16,383 --> 00:01:18,416
SUZANNE:
That goofy ballerina is me.
23
00:01:18,418 --> 00:01:21,253
At this point in my life, I didn't worry about my weight
24
00:01:21,255 --> 00:01:22,655
but, of course, that didn't last.
25
00:01:22,657 --> 00:01:24,191
♪ I feel alive ♪
26
00:01:24,193 --> 00:01:25,459
♪ I feel alive ♪
27
00:01:25,461 --> 00:01:28,162
♪ And I am beautiful ♪
28
00:01:28,164 --> 00:01:30,098
♪ You can refuse to listen ♪
29
00:01:30,100 --> 00:01:31,532
♪ To all the... ♪
30
00:01:31,534 --> 00:01:33,302
SUZANNE: Like most average American girls,
31
00:01:33,304 --> 00:01:36,371
I grew up seeing 200 to 400 advertising images
32
00:01:36,373 --> 00:01:38,508
of what women are supposed to look like
33
00:01:38,510 --> 00:01:40,410
every day of my life.
34
00:01:40,412 --> 00:01:42,213
♪ And who you are Is just fine ♪
35
00:01:42,215 --> 00:01:44,882
♪ Unique and one of a kind ♪
36
00:01:44,884 --> 00:01:47,586
♪ No pressure now to define ♪
37
00:01:47,588 --> 00:01:50,322
♪ Anything to anyone but you ♪
38
00:01:50,324 --> 00:01:54,127
SUZANNE: The women in the ads we see are a size 0 to size 4.
39
00:01:54,129 --> 00:01:57,764
Even though the average American woman is a size 14,
40
00:01:57,766 --> 00:02:00,268
the same size as Marilyn Monroe.
41
00:02:01,905 --> 00:02:03,471
♪ I feel alive ♪
42
00:02:03,473 --> 00:02:04,740
♪ I feel alive ♪
43
00:02:04,742 --> 00:02:07,376
♪ And I am beautiful ♪
44
00:02:07,378 --> 00:02:10,313
♪ I don't wanna be Someone else ♪
45
00:02:10,315 --> 00:02:12,382
SUZANNE: Ninety-six percent of American girls
46
00:02:12,384 --> 00:02:14,552
say they feel bad about themselves
47
00:02:14,554 --> 00:02:16,888
because they don't look like a supermodel.
48
00:02:16,890 --> 00:02:19,324
♪ I am beautiful ♪
49
00:02:22,229 --> 00:02:24,330
♪ I am beautiful ♪
50
00:02:24,332 --> 00:02:26,466
SUZANNE: There are three billion women on earth
51
00:02:26,468 --> 00:02:30,638
and 100 of them are supermodels,
52
00:02:30,640 --> 00:02:34,409
which makes supermodels the rarest of genetic freaks.
53
00:02:34,411 --> 00:02:37,280
♪ I don't wanna be Someone else ♪
54
00:02:37,282 --> 00:02:39,916
♪ I only wanna be myself ♪
55
00:02:39,918 --> 00:02:41,285
♪ I feel alive ♪
56
00:02:41,287 --> 00:02:43,921
thousands of hermaphrodites,
57
00:02:43,923 --> 00:02:45,890
people with the genitalia of both sexes.
58
00:02:45,892 --> 00:02:48,359
♪ I don't wanna be Someone else ♪
59
00:02:48,361 --> 00:02:50,596
♪ I'm happy When I'm just myself ♪
60
00:02:50,598 --> 00:02:51,797
♪ I feel alive ♪
61
00:02:51,799 --> 00:02:53,332
SUZANNE:
So don't feel bad
62
00:02:53,334 --> 00:02:55,535
you're not a genetic freak supermodel.
63
00:02:55,537 --> 00:02:58,338
Feel bad you don't have a penis and a vagina.
64
00:02:58,340 --> 00:03:01,409
Because at least
you had a shot at that one.
65
00:03:01,411 --> 00:03:02,777
( LAUGHING )
66
00:03:02,779 --> 00:03:04,279
All right.
67
00:03:04,281 --> 00:03:07,482
You guys, papers are due on Friday.
68
00:03:07,484 --> 00:03:09,552
Please,
I have office hours.
69
00:03:09,554 --> 00:03:11,821
My TA, Elise, has office hours.
70
00:03:11,823 --> 00:03:13,257
Come to us.
I want to help you.
71
00:03:13,259 --> 00:03:15,359
I want you guys
to impress me, okay?
72
00:03:19,399 --> 00:03:22,602
SUZANNE: It's ironic I teach Feminist Media in Los Angeles,
73
00:03:22,604 --> 00:03:24,637
the belly of the entertainment beast.
74
00:03:26,275 --> 00:03:29,276
No real woman can live up to Hollywood images,
75
00:03:29,278 --> 00:03:31,312
not even the women in them.
76
00:03:38,456 --> 00:03:42,525
SUZANNE: I'm not actually fat. But you can't tell me that.
77
00:03:45,798 --> 00:03:48,600
Even on my wedding day, when I had lost 15 pounds
78
00:03:48,602 --> 00:03:52,537
and was swimming in my dress, I didn't feel thin enough.
79
00:03:53,975 --> 00:03:55,775
♪ I don't wanna be Someone else ♪
80
00:03:55,777 --> 00:03:59,380
SUZANNE: My whole life I have had one simple wish.
81
00:03:59,382 --> 00:04:01,916
To finally stop obsessing about my weight.
82
00:04:01,918 --> 00:04:03,351
♪ I feel alive ♪
83
00:04:03,353 --> 00:04:06,756
♪ And I am beautiful ♪
84
00:04:06,758 --> 00:04:08,924
♪ I don't wanna be Someone else ♪
85
00:04:08,926 --> 00:04:10,726
♪ I'm happy... ♪
86
00:04:10,728 --> 00:04:12,963
SUZANNE: How you choose tothink about a small roll of fat
87
00:04:12,965 --> 00:04:14,798
can change your life.
88
00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:19,003
For me, it all started witha woman's head between my legs,
89
00:04:19,005 --> 00:04:21,040
but not in a good way.
90
00:04:21,042 --> 00:04:22,541
( SIGHS )
91
00:04:22,543 --> 00:04:23,976
Hm, you're running
out of time
92
00:04:23,978 --> 00:04:27,380
to get these buns
in your oven, cookie.
93
00:04:27,382 --> 00:04:29,417
Statistically speaking,
the day you turn 40,
94
00:04:29,419 --> 00:04:30,951
your chances drop by half.
95
00:04:30,953 --> 00:04:32,553
Boom.
Oh.
96
00:04:32,555 --> 00:04:34,523
You know,
I called over to the lab
97
00:04:34,525 --> 00:04:37,492
and they haven't received
your husband's sperm yet.
98
00:04:37,494 --> 00:04:40,930
Five more days, we're gonna have to freeze those eggs.
99
00:04:40,932 --> 00:04:42,466
What's his big problem anyway?
100
00:04:42,468 --> 00:04:45,803
He's very busy.
It's pilot season.
101
00:04:45,805 --> 00:04:49,341
Big TV executive can't
find the time to jerk off?
102
00:04:49,343 --> 00:04:50,942
I thought that's what
they're best at.
103
00:04:50,944 --> 00:04:52,378
Ha.
104
00:04:52,380 --> 00:04:53,713
Well, you better get a jar
105
00:04:53,715 --> 00:04:55,949
and you better drive it
to the lab yourself.
106
00:04:55,951 --> 00:04:57,617
Get on the stick, sister.
107
00:04:57,619 --> 00:04:59,086
Okay, I'll do it.
108
00:04:59,088 --> 00:05:02,957
( MUSIC PLAYING )
109
00:05:02,959 --> 00:05:04,692
Who's a good boy?
110
00:05:04,694 --> 00:05:08,731
Come on, buddy, we're gonna
go see Daddy at the office.
111
00:05:08,733 --> 00:05:12,102
Okay, buddy, go kennel.
Oh, he's a good boy.
112
00:05:12,104 --> 00:05:14,372
He's a good boy.
Oh, I'm sorry, buddy.
113
00:05:14,374 --> 00:05:15,873
Good boy, go kennel.
114
00:05:15,875 --> 00:05:17,708
Good boy.
115
00:05:17,710 --> 00:05:18,710
Okay.
116
00:05:19,980 --> 00:05:22,681
That's Daddy's sperm.
117
00:05:22,683 --> 00:05:25,618
Good boy.
Stay.
118
00:05:25,620 --> 00:05:29,890
♪ This is where we decide ♪
119
00:05:29,892 --> 00:05:32,861
♪ To put it all behind ♪
120
00:05:32,863 --> 00:05:37,666
♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
121
00:05:42,741 --> 00:05:45,777
You can't just drop by
the office for a jar of sperm.
122
00:05:45,779 --> 00:05:48,112
I'm taking the week off
so that I could get knocked up
123
00:05:48,114 --> 00:05:49,914
and so that I could
neuter the dog.
124
00:05:51,752 --> 00:05:54,553
Why didn't we get
a labradoodle, like I wanted.
125
00:05:54,555 --> 00:05:56,055
Now we've got
this nutless mutt.
126
00:05:56,057 --> 00:05:59,493
Don't call him that.
He can hear you.
127
00:05:59,495 --> 00:06:01,996
Look, honey,
I get that the hormone shots
128
00:06:01,998 --> 00:06:03,732
are making you moody.
129
00:06:03,734 --> 00:06:05,184
Moody?
130
00:06:05,185 --> 00:06:06,635
Do you realize
that I have gained one pound
131
00:06:06,637 --> 00:06:08,170
for every single day
this week?
132
00:06:08,172 --> 00:06:09,172
Look, sweetheart.
133
00:06:09,174 --> 00:06:10,673
Mm-hm.
134
00:06:10,675 --> 00:06:13,177
A man in my position
can't just jerk off
135
00:06:13,179 --> 00:06:15,179
in an equal opportunity
workplace.
136
00:06:15,181 --> 00:06:16,647
The lawyers told us this.
137
00:06:16,649 --> 00:06:18,550
You have a private bathroom.
What's that for?
138
00:06:18,552 --> 00:06:20,151
Michael?
It's not for that.
139
00:06:20,153 --> 00:06:21,753
Oh, hey, speak of the devil.
140
00:06:21,755 --> 00:06:23,156
Oh, I'm sorry.
141
00:06:23,157 --> 00:06:24,557
Don't worry.
I was just telling my wife
142
00:06:24,559 --> 00:06:26,158
what a great place
this is to work.
143
00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:27,561
Hi.
144
00:06:27,563 --> 00:06:30,163
You know,
that equal pay for equal work
145
00:06:30,165 --> 00:06:31,165
and blah blah blah.
146
00:06:31,167 --> 00:06:32,967
( PHONE RINGING IN BACKGROUND )
147
00:06:32,969 --> 00:06:34,202
Jessica's in reality.
148
00:06:34,204 --> 00:06:36,538
Right. We have some
awesome new shows.
149
00:06:36,540 --> 00:06:38,540
We have this one that we call
"Dancing With the Cons."
150
00:06:38,542 --> 00:06:39,808
It's a contest show.
151
00:06:39,810 --> 00:06:41,544
It's convicts
singing and dancing.
152
00:06:41,546 --> 00:06:42,812
And I'm telling you,
153
00:06:42,814 --> 00:06:45,049
these convicts are
surprisingly likeable
154
00:06:45,051 --> 00:06:46,083
and really talented, right?
155
00:06:46,085 --> 00:06:47,251
For, like, crooks.
156
00:06:47,253 --> 00:06:48,686
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
157
00:06:48,688 --> 00:06:50,405
Wow.
158
00:06:50,406 --> 00:06:52,122
Well, so,
this has been great, Jessica,
159
00:06:52,125 --> 00:06:55,695
thanks very much
and I'll be with you shortly.
160
00:06:55,697 --> 00:06:57,096
Oh, sure.
161
00:06:57,098 --> 00:06:58,098
Sorry.
162
00:06:58,100 --> 00:06:59,566
Thanks.
Nice to meet you.
163
00:06:59,568 --> 00:07:01,168
Nice to meet you.
Super cute dog.
164
00:07:01,170 --> 00:07:02,971
SUZANNE:
Aw, thank you.
165
00:07:02,973 --> 00:07:04,606
I like his little outfit.
166
00:07:06,610 --> 00:07:08,277
( CLEARING THROAT )
167
00:07:08,279 --> 00:07:09,845
She couldn't be
more adorable.
168
00:07:09,847 --> 00:07:11,280
Ha.
Ha.
169
00:07:11,282 --> 00:07:13,216
( CLEARING THROAT )
Wow, they just get younger
170
00:07:13,218 --> 00:07:15,719
every year, don't they?
171
00:07:15,721 --> 00:07:19,657
What's with the cookie
poufed-up fakey lips?
172
00:07:19,659 --> 00:07:22,995
Oh, oh, I like 'em.
Fake is the new real.
173
00:07:22,997 --> 00:07:24,596
Really?
174
00:07:24,598 --> 00:07:27,133
You know what, though?
I have been really distracted.
175
00:07:27,135 --> 00:07:28,268
I'm sorry.
176
00:07:28,270 --> 00:07:29,269
I know but we have to
focus on this.
177
00:07:29,271 --> 00:07:30,871
This is our life.
178
00:07:30,873 --> 00:07:32,239
No, no, I'm focused.
We have to get this together.
179
00:07:32,241 --> 00:07:33,274
No, no, no, I'm focused.
I'm focused.
180
00:07:33,276 --> 00:07:35,010
When?
When, when, when?
181
00:07:35,012 --> 00:07:37,646
Well, on Thursday
we have that therapy session
at Beverley Hills.
182
00:07:37,648 --> 00:07:39,732
Yes?
183
00:07:39,733 --> 00:07:41,816
I'll go to the clinic
after that and make a
big old deposit, okay?
184
00:07:41,819 --> 00:07:42,818
Promise?
185
00:07:42,820 --> 00:07:43,887
Yeah, bucketful.
186
00:07:43,888 --> 00:07:44,954
Oh, thank you.
I love you.
187
00:07:44,957 --> 00:07:46,557
All right.
188
00:07:46,559 --> 00:07:48,293
It's four pounds from today,
but I will take it.
189
00:07:48,295 --> 00:07:49,827
You know what, baby?
On you, it looks good.
190
00:07:49,829 --> 00:07:51,012
No, it does not.
191
00:07:51,013 --> 00:07:52,197
My grab handles right here.
192
00:07:52,199 --> 00:07:53,832
Oh, don't call it that. I hate that.
193
00:07:53,834 --> 00:07:56,101
I got to go.
BooBoo, come on.
194
00:07:58,073 --> 00:07:59,606
Yeah, get that dog
outta here.
195
00:07:59,608 --> 00:08:00,907
SUZANNE:
He's a good boy, c'mon.
196
00:08:00,909 --> 00:08:03,611
That is not a good boy.
It's not even a boy.
197
00:08:08,686 --> 00:08:14,290
Really, I don't even know why
we're in couples therapy today
198
00:08:14,292 --> 00:08:16,927
'cause we're actually
really happy.
199
00:08:16,929 --> 00:08:19,063
It's just that I'm trying to get pregnant
200
00:08:19,065 --> 00:08:22,000
and we just sort of thought,
you know, we'd come in
201
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:24,971
and do a little preventative
something, you know.
202
00:08:24,973 --> 00:08:26,606
I mean, it's not like we really have any issues.
203
00:08:26,608 --> 00:08:28,842
It's probably
just a waste of time.
204
00:08:28,844 --> 00:08:31,211
( GIGGLING )
205
00:08:31,213 --> 00:08:33,715
Well, Suzanne,
as you know--
206
00:08:33,717 --> 00:08:35,083
My God.
Oh, my God.
207
00:08:35,085 --> 00:08:36,618
You're leaving me.
208
00:08:36,620 --> 00:08:37,886
You're leaving me. He's leaving me.
209
00:08:37,888 --> 00:08:39,254
He's leaving me.
He's leaving me.
210
00:08:39,256 --> 00:08:40,322
He's leaving me.
You're leaving me.
211
00:08:40,324 --> 00:08:41,958
Suzanne, we've talked about
212
00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:45,662
these hormone-induced
mood swings you've been having.
213
00:08:45,664 --> 00:08:46,797
No, no, this is not
a hormone-induced mood swing.
214
00:08:46,799 --> 00:08:48,199
This is how he fires people.
215
00:08:48,201 --> 00:08:49,333
I've heard him do it
on the phone.
216
00:08:49,335 --> 00:08:50,801
He says this phrase,
really calm, like,
217
00:08:50,803 --> 00:08:51,937
"As you know,
as you know,
218
00:08:51,939 --> 00:08:53,105
like as you know,
the ratings are bad.
219
00:08:53,107 --> 00:08:54,673
As you know,
profits are down,"
220
00:08:54,675 --> 00:08:56,309
and then the poor son-of-a-bitch
that he's firing,
221
00:08:56,311 --> 00:08:57,844
he says it so many times
that at the end of it,
222
00:08:57,846 --> 00:08:59,112
he's, like,
"I know, I know. I know.
223
00:08:59,114 --> 00:09:00,748
I know, I know,
I know, I know."
224
00:09:00,750 --> 00:09:04,653
Suzanne, please sit down
so we can work through this.
225
00:09:04,655 --> 00:09:06,955
( SOBBING )
226
00:09:06,957 --> 00:09:08,975
Michael.
227
00:09:08,976 --> 00:09:10,993
Michael, would you like to
address what Susan just said?
228
00:09:10,995 --> 00:09:11,994
Yeah, of course.
229
00:09:11,996 --> 00:09:13,062
It's Suzanne!
230
00:09:14,833 --> 00:09:15,866
Of course.
231
00:09:15,868 --> 00:09:17,768
Well, I wanted
to harvest the eggs
232
00:09:17,770 --> 00:09:19,437
because I'm really
a strategic planner.
233
00:09:19,439 --> 00:09:20,972
That's kind of
my number one skill,
234
00:09:20,974 --> 00:09:22,373
although I don't get
any credit for it.
235
00:09:22,375 --> 00:09:25,277
Mm-hm, but what about
what Suzanne just said
236
00:09:25,279 --> 00:09:26,845
about you leaving her?
237
00:09:26,847 --> 00:09:28,982
Could you please address that?
238
00:09:30,318 --> 00:09:31,351
Oh, I'm leaving her.
239
00:09:31,353 --> 00:09:32,820
I decided months ago
240
00:09:32,822 --> 00:09:34,722
but that's why I wanted
to freeze the eggs.
241
00:09:34,724 --> 00:09:36,358
I'm really the practical one in the relationship.
242
00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:37,893
When she goes back
on the marketplace,
243
00:09:37,895 --> 00:09:39,895
then she can either
get fertilized by, you know,
244
00:09:39,897 --> 00:09:42,198
a sperm donor or, you know,
the next partner.
245
00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:43,833
It's really for her.
246
00:09:43,835 --> 00:09:46,203
I realize I'm not gonna get
any credit for that
247
00:09:46,205 --> 00:09:48,706
and I'm actually fine
with that.
248
00:09:48,708 --> 00:09:50,408
Suzanne, could you
please sit down again
249
00:09:50,410 --> 00:09:54,012
so we can address this
before we can move on?
250
00:10:00,089 --> 00:10:03,925
Can't cancel me,
Michael.
251
00:10:03,927 --> 00:10:06,928
I'm not some death row
talent show.
252
00:10:08,933 --> 00:10:12,902
Oh, my God.
This is making me sick.
253
00:10:12,904 --> 00:10:14,137
Please.
254
00:10:14,139 --> 00:10:15,138
I'm gonna be sick.
255
00:10:15,140 --> 00:10:17,842
( VOMITING )
256
00:10:23,751 --> 00:10:24,950
You know what?
257
00:10:24,952 --> 00:10:28,821
These hormone injections
were your idea.
258
00:10:28,823 --> 00:10:31,425
You can have the credit.
259
00:10:31,427 --> 00:10:32,926
And you can have the vomit
260
00:10:32,928 --> 00:10:35,296
because I am so
not cleaning that up.
261
00:10:35,298 --> 00:10:38,466
( SOBBING )
262
00:10:38,468 --> 00:10:40,202
I have to go.
263
00:10:47,079 --> 00:10:48,379
( DOOR CLOSING )
264
00:10:48,381 --> 00:10:50,848
All right, then.
265
00:10:50,850 --> 00:10:53,118
Do I really
have to clean this up?
266
00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:56,121
I have a dog.
267
00:10:56,123 --> 00:11:00,026
♪ Hey hey hey ♪
268
00:11:00,028 --> 00:11:01,828
♪ I've been standing here ♪
269
00:11:01,830 --> 00:11:02,863
( DOORBELL RINGING )
270
00:11:02,865 --> 00:11:04,832
♪ Since you left me ♪
271
00:11:06,570 --> 00:11:08,003
Hi.
Suzanne Nicholson?
272
00:11:08,005 --> 00:11:08,837
Yeah.
273
00:11:08,839 --> 00:11:10,872
Happy 40th birthday!
274
00:11:10,874 --> 00:11:12,141
Just need you to sign
right there.
275
00:11:12,143 --> 00:11:13,843
( indistinct ) figure out
it was my birthday.
276
00:11:13,845 --> 00:11:14,877
There you go.
277
00:11:14,879 --> 00:11:16,313
Okay.
Geez, that's funny.
278
00:11:16,315 --> 00:11:18,448
I just don't know who would
send me something like that.
279
00:11:18,450 --> 00:11:19,950
From your husband.
280
00:11:19,952 --> 00:11:21,352
What?
281
00:11:21,354 --> 00:11:26,959
Okay, that's weird because
we've had kind of a rough week
282
00:11:26,961 --> 00:11:28,994
so I'm surprised
that he would--
283
00:11:28,996 --> 00:11:30,597
It's not that weird.
You've been served.
284
00:11:30,599 --> 00:11:34,101
♪ Hey hey hey ♪
285
00:11:34,103 --> 00:11:40,175
♪ I'm feeling too old to Still be wishing on you ♪
286
00:11:40,177 --> 00:11:41,643
♪ Hey hey ♪
287
00:11:41,644 --> 00:11:43,111
LAWYER:
Look, you did sign a prenup
288
00:11:43,114 --> 00:11:45,582
but I'm confident
I can get you some more.
289
00:11:45,584 --> 00:11:47,218
I don't want his money.
290
00:11:47,220 --> 00:11:48,219
( SNORTING )
291
00:11:48,221 --> 00:11:50,087
I just-Jesus.
292
00:11:50,089 --> 00:11:51,288
( PHONE RINGING IN BACKGROUND )
293
00:11:51,290 --> 00:11:52,891
I make my own money.
294
00:11:52,893 --> 00:11:54,292
That's why I'm on the tenure track
295
00:11:54,294 --> 00:11:56,562
and it's not a ton of money
but it's enough.
296
00:11:56,564 --> 00:11:58,364
I'm gonna be fine.
297
00:11:59,968 --> 00:12:02,236
You can't be serious about
giving up the house, though?
298
00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:07,075
All I want is the dog.
299
00:12:07,077 --> 00:12:08,476
And trust me,
he's not gonna want that
300
00:12:08,478 --> 00:12:10,346
because it's not
a frigging labradoodle
301
00:12:10,348 --> 00:12:13,315
which is what he wanted.
302
00:12:13,317 --> 00:12:17,187
I just--I swear to God
I thought I had, like,
303
00:12:17,189 --> 00:12:20,124
you know, like,
an M&M in here or maybe,
304
00:12:20,126 --> 00:12:22,426
like, a Hershey's Kiss
left over from Halloween.
305
00:12:22,428 --> 00:12:24,263
I just...
306
00:12:24,265 --> 00:12:25,497
You know what?
307
00:12:25,499 --> 00:12:28,067
You guys should just
serve chocolate.
308
00:12:28,069 --> 00:12:30,937
You should have
big bowls of M&Ms.
309
00:12:30,939 --> 00:12:32,673
I don't get the feeling
you're paying attention.
310
00:12:32,675 --> 00:12:36,510
Or squeeze bottles
of Hershey syrup.
311
00:12:36,512 --> 00:12:37,646
People could just do 'em
like shooters.
312
00:12:37,648 --> 00:12:39,214
That would work.
313
00:12:39,216 --> 00:12:41,651
It's inhumane what you people
are doing here.
314
00:12:41,653 --> 00:12:43,653
It's like you're running an emergency room
315
00:12:43,655 --> 00:12:45,454
without morphine.
316
00:12:45,456 --> 00:12:46,523
( LAUGHING )
317
00:12:46,525 --> 00:12:48,992
A-ha! Yes!
318
00:12:51,197 --> 00:12:52,597
M&M.
319
00:12:52,599 --> 00:12:54,265
( SPITTING )
320
00:12:54,267 --> 00:12:56,235
All right, there's lint.
There's lint in there.
321
00:12:56,237 --> 00:12:58,404
There's something
I need to tell you and--
322
00:12:58,406 --> 00:13:00,340
I thought I had a Dove Bar.
323
00:13:00,342 --> 00:13:02,676
I hate that I'm the one
to have to say these words.
324
00:13:02,678 --> 00:13:05,012
Ah, you know what?
Let me guess.
325
00:13:05,014 --> 00:13:08,249
He's sleeping with
somebody else, right?
326
00:13:11,188 --> 00:13:12,554
MICHAEL ON PHONE:
Hey, Suzanne,
327
00:13:12,556 --> 00:13:14,557
I wanted you to hear this from me.
328
00:13:14,559 --> 00:13:16,292
I'm getting married to Jessica.
329
00:13:16,294 --> 00:13:19,430
You met her. Oh, and also, she's pregnant.
330
00:13:19,432 --> 00:13:21,065
Okay, bye.
331
00:13:21,067 --> 00:13:23,501
Sherry, who's on 3? I thought we were--
332
00:13:23,503 --> 00:13:24,669
When you met her, he said,
333
00:13:24,671 --> 00:13:26,539
"Jessica,
I'll be with you shortly."
334
00:13:26,541 --> 00:13:27,707
And now he is.
335
00:13:27,709 --> 00:13:29,241
Exactly right.
336
00:13:31,580 --> 00:13:37,118
She's got those fake poufy
Angelina husband-stealing lips.
337
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:40,389
Those are the lips
that launched a thousand lips.
338
00:13:40,391 --> 00:13:41,991
Ohh...
339
00:13:50,670 --> 00:13:53,605
SUZANNE: I tell you what the worst thing about all this is.
340
00:13:53,607 --> 00:13:55,607
Michael ends up
being right.
341
00:13:55,609 --> 00:13:58,010
I'm glad I have these
stupid frozen eggs.
342
00:13:58,012 --> 00:13:59,278
I'm always happy
343
00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:01,247
when I have something
in the freezer, you know?
344
00:14:01,249 --> 00:14:03,484
A bean burrito,
my genetic materials,
345
00:14:03,486 --> 00:14:04,718
it's all good.
346
00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:06,787
Right, if your life
was a romantic comedy,
347
00:14:06,789 --> 00:14:09,224
who would your sexy
sperm donor be?
348
00:14:09,226 --> 00:14:10,993
Hm, good one.
349
00:14:10,994 --> 00:14:12,762
Oh, your dog gets sick
and we go to the vet
350
00:14:12,764 --> 00:14:16,666
and your vet is smokin'.
351
00:14:16,668 --> 00:14:17,801
Vets are hot.
Yeah.
352
00:14:17,803 --> 00:14:19,102
Only problem is
I have a female vet
353
00:14:19,104 --> 00:14:20,470
so I'd have to get
a male vet
354
00:14:20,472 --> 00:14:22,573
and I've got to get him
to masturbate into a jar.
355
00:14:22,575 --> 00:14:25,511
It's very, very complicated.
356
00:14:25,513 --> 00:14:26,512
Why am I smoking?
357
00:14:26,514 --> 00:14:27,746
I don't know.
358
00:14:27,748 --> 00:14:29,048
I don't even know
how to smoke.
359
00:14:29,050 --> 00:14:31,051
Look at me.
I'm like a child.
360
00:14:31,053 --> 00:14:35,389
I'll tell you what,
I have not smoked in 10 years.
361
00:14:35,391 --> 00:14:38,059
I've not had sex with strangers
in 10 years.
362
00:14:38,061 --> 00:14:41,830
And all I really want to do
is eat.
363
00:14:41,832 --> 00:14:44,367
I so could not get through this without chocolate.
364
00:14:44,369 --> 00:14:45,835
We are getting you chocolate, sister.
365
00:14:45,837 --> 00:14:47,270
Hang on.
366
00:14:47,272 --> 00:14:49,073
♪ I don't know where to go ♪
367
00:14:49,075 --> 00:14:50,841
♪ Or how to get to the place ♪
368
00:14:50,843 --> 00:14:53,812
♪ We go to when we get Off the metro ♪
369
00:14:53,814 --> 00:14:56,281
♪ And turn left ♪
370
00:14:59,821 --> 00:15:04,658
♪ I don't know why He does these things ♪
371
00:15:06,729 --> 00:15:11,467
♪ I don't know why You go with him ♪
372
00:15:13,571 --> 00:15:16,239
♪ All the time ♪
373
00:15:20,446 --> 00:15:22,646
♪ All the time ♪
374
00:15:33,796 --> 00:15:37,231
♪ If you don't Want to unleash ♪
375
00:15:37,233 --> 00:15:39,868
♪ This bitch that's in me ♪
376
00:15:39,870 --> 00:15:41,269
♪ Stay away then ♪
377
00:15:41,271 --> 00:15:42,438
♪ Stay away then ♪
378
00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:43,556
♪ Stay away ♪
379
00:15:43,557 --> 00:15:44,673
KIM ON PHONE:
Okay, if I find out
380
00:15:44,675 --> 00:15:46,308
you are breastfeeding that dog,
381
00:15:46,310 --> 00:15:48,812
I am so having an intervention.
382
00:15:48,814 --> 00:15:50,480
Please, just move in.
383
00:15:50,482 --> 00:15:52,750
You don't have room
for me, Kim.
384
00:15:52,752 --> 00:15:54,418
We have the nanny's room.
385
00:15:54,420 --> 00:15:56,355
SUZANNE ON PHONE: Where's Inga supposed to sleep?
386
00:15:56,357 --> 00:15:58,441
Inga is gone.
387
00:15:58,442 --> 00:16:00,527
She joined the Army
and I'm not even kidding.
388
00:16:00,529 --> 00:16:03,163
Apparently, Afghanistan is a cakewalk
389
00:16:03,165 --> 00:16:04,698
compared to
dealing with my kids.
390
00:16:04,700 --> 00:16:06,267
Wow.
391
00:16:06,269 --> 00:16:08,402
KIM: We don't want a live-in nanny.
392
00:16:08,404 --> 00:16:12,574
We want a live-in divorced lady
and her de-balled dog.
393
00:16:12,576 --> 00:16:13,943
So where are you anyway?
394
00:16:13,945 --> 00:16:20,250
I am sitting in
my $400 baby jogger with BooBoo,
395
00:16:20,252 --> 00:16:21,451
trying to teach him how to like it
396
00:16:21,453 --> 00:16:23,454
so that we can go jogging
together.
397
00:16:23,456 --> 00:16:26,291
Okay, that's it.
You're moving in.
398
00:16:27,695 --> 00:16:28,794
Honey, I had to.
399
00:16:28,796 --> 00:16:30,329
I love Suzanne.
She's family.
400
00:16:30,331 --> 00:16:33,833
I know, she's got her dog
in a baby stroller.
401
00:16:33,835 --> 00:16:36,437
( LAUGHING )
402
00:16:36,439 --> 00:16:38,506
SUZANNE:
We're getting a divorce.
403
00:16:38,508 --> 00:16:39,941
He gets the house
404
00:16:39,942 --> 00:16:41,376
and I get the coffee shop,
I guess.
405
00:16:41,378 --> 00:16:42,344
Wow.
406
00:16:43,814 --> 00:16:45,247
I hope you guys can stay
friends, you know.
407
00:16:45,249 --> 00:16:48,718
You're both
really nice people.
408
00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:49,820
( CLEARING THROAT )
409
00:16:49,822 --> 00:16:50,821
He cheated on me.
410
00:16:50,823 --> 00:16:53,457
I never liked him.
411
00:16:53,459 --> 00:16:55,393
Wish you would have
said something.
412
00:16:55,395 --> 00:16:57,262
JAROD:
I should have said something.
413
00:16:57,264 --> 00:16:59,465
You know what?
That's on me.
414
00:16:59,467 --> 00:17:01,500
I will not let you
pay for that.
415
00:17:01,502 --> 00:17:03,370
Jarod, I can't
accept a free latté
416
00:17:03,372 --> 00:17:05,272
just because my husband
cheated on me.
417
00:17:05,274 --> 00:17:09,577
Seriously, okay?
I have to redeem my gender.
418
00:17:09,579 --> 00:17:11,879
Also, you have a
( CLEARING THROAT ),
419
00:17:11,881 --> 00:17:14,617
you have a little thing.
420
00:17:14,619 --> 00:17:16,352
Oh, God.
421
00:17:16,354 --> 00:17:19,456
Michael never tells me when
I have a chocolate moustache.
422
00:17:19,458 --> 00:17:20,991
Or when he's impregnating
his co-workers.
423
00:17:20,993 --> 00:17:21,993
( COUGHING )
424
00:17:21,995 --> 00:17:23,594
Sorry.
425
00:17:23,596 --> 00:17:26,865
That might have been
more than you wanted to know.
426
00:17:30,739 --> 00:17:32,705
SUZANNE: When discussing the airbrushed women in ads ,
427
00:17:32,707 --> 00:17:35,542
my favorite quote is from Cindy Crawford who said,
428
00:17:35,544 --> 00:17:37,978
"Even I don't look likeCindy Crawford in the morning."
429
00:17:37,980 --> 00:17:39,013
( LAUGHING )
430
00:17:39,015 --> 00:17:40,682
In a recent survey,
431
00:17:40,684 --> 00:17:44,020
69% of women say they'd rather lose weight
432
00:17:44,022 --> 00:17:46,656
than fall in love or get a raise.
433
00:17:48,293 --> 00:17:51,728
I try to teach you guys to ignore ad images
434
00:17:51,730 --> 00:17:53,431
but I'm a hypocrite.
435
00:17:54,801 --> 00:17:56,868
This stuff gets to me too.
436
00:18:10,653 --> 00:18:11,920
Andrea, be careful.
Don't drop that.
437
00:18:11,922 --> 00:18:13,555
Really?
438
00:18:13,557 --> 00:18:15,758
I thought "Fragile" meant
throw it down the stairs.
439
00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:17,627
( indistinct )
It's like a Respect Festival.
440
00:18:17,629 --> 00:18:19,629
It's so weird that your nanny
joined the Army.
441
00:18:19,631 --> 00:18:20,631
Oh!
442
00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:21,498
What? I know.
443
00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:23,934
Hey, stop it.
Stop it.
444
00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:25,870
Go and stop it.
445
00:18:27,407 --> 00:18:29,675
Go.
446
00:18:29,676 --> 00:18:31,943
Sophie, stay in the yard
but away from me.
447
00:18:33,414 --> 00:18:36,083
If Barnaby knocked up
some skank co-worker,
448
00:18:36,085 --> 00:18:38,720
I would do to him
what the vet did to BooBoo,
449
00:18:38,722 --> 00:18:41,089
only with the pliers
and a butter knife.
450
00:18:41,091 --> 00:18:42,825
Hi, this is not
about you, okay?
451
00:18:42,827 --> 00:18:44,093
This is about me
452
00:18:44,095 --> 00:18:46,462
and how I have to
rethink my entire life.
453
00:18:46,464 --> 00:18:47,681
Okay.
454
00:18:47,682 --> 00:18:48,898
You know
what you should do?
455
00:18:48,900 --> 00:18:50,667
You should finally
write a book.
456
00:18:50,669 --> 00:18:52,620
Oh.
Yes.
457
00:18:52,621 --> 00:18:54,571
Well, you teach, like,
how women are always trying
458
00:18:54,574 --> 00:18:56,708
to live up to
these ridiculous images.
459
00:18:56,710 --> 00:18:58,043
You always say this.
I have no idea why.
460
00:18:58,045 --> 00:18:59,578
I'm an agent.
461
00:18:59,580 --> 00:19:01,814
I think you're interesting
and I could make money.
462
00:19:01,816 --> 00:19:03,449
Ooh, once again, about me.
Yay!
463
00:19:03,451 --> 00:19:04,517
Okay, I don't know if
you're ready to hear this
464
00:19:04,519 --> 00:19:05,953
but I'm gonna tell you anyway.
465
00:19:05,955 --> 00:19:09,022
You need just to get out there
and find yourself a real man.
466
00:19:09,024 --> 00:19:11,159
I don't want anyone to see
my grab handles
467
00:19:11,161 --> 00:19:13,128
and my muffin top.
468
00:19:13,130 --> 00:19:15,731
I would hurt a puppy
to lose weight.
469
00:19:15,733 --> 00:19:17,099
I would yell at kittens.
470
00:19:17,101 --> 00:19:18,134
( LAUGHING )
471
00:19:18,136 --> 00:19:20,170
I would skin a dolphin.
472
00:19:20,172 --> 00:19:21,538
I just-I never thought
473
00:19:21,540 --> 00:19:23,173
that I was gonna
be dating again.
474
00:19:23,175 --> 00:19:24,642
I'm like a born again virgin.
475
00:19:24,644 --> 00:19:26,077
I don't know what to do
on a first date.
476
00:19:26,079 --> 00:19:27,512
Do you have sex?
I don't know.
477
00:19:27,514 --> 00:19:28,680
No.
478
00:19:28,682 --> 00:19:31,884
It's like first date,
it's like first base.
479
00:19:31,886 --> 00:19:33,086
I never knew that.
What is it?
480
00:19:33,088 --> 00:19:34,621
Is that, like,
they touch your boob?
481
00:19:34,623 --> 00:19:37,925
That's--
No. It's not boobs.
482
00:19:37,927 --> 00:19:40,127
First base is kissing.
483
00:19:40,129 --> 00:19:41,462
Okay, second base is boobs.
484
00:19:41,464 --> 00:19:42,464
I don't think that's right.
485
00:19:42,466 --> 00:19:43,765
Yeah.
I mean, you know what?
486
00:19:43,767 --> 00:19:45,500
And we'll check it
on Wikipedia right now.
487
00:19:45,502 --> 00:19:46,769
Yeah, you do check it
'cause you know what?
488
00:19:46,771 --> 00:19:48,438
I bet there's been
sex inflation.
489
00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:49,672
It's probably boob by now.
490
00:19:49,674 --> 00:19:50,941
No. Uh-oh.
491
00:19:50,943 --> 00:19:52,776
Ah, mm-hm.
492
00:19:52,778 --> 00:19:54,445
First base is kissing.
493
00:19:54,447 --> 00:19:55,847
Boob is second base.
494
00:19:55,849 --> 00:19:56,848
Blow jobs are third.
495
00:19:56,850 --> 00:19:58,450
What?
496
00:19:58,452 --> 00:20:01,554
Oh, my God, there's
so much stuff I didn't know.
497
00:20:01,556 --> 00:20:02,721
Do you know
what a grand slam is?
498
00:20:02,723 --> 00:20:04,975
No.
499
00:20:04,976 --> 00:20:07,227
Having sex four times with
the same person in one night.
500
00:20:07,229 --> 00:20:09,163
Ow.
KIM: Yeah, ow.
501
00:20:09,165 --> 00:20:10,832
Jeez.
Okay.
502
00:20:10,834 --> 00:20:12,066
Do you want to know
what a vagumach is?
503
00:20:12,068 --> 00:20:13,202
( GIGGLING )
504
00:20:13,204 --> 00:20:14,903
No, you need to know this.
What?
505
00:20:14,905 --> 00:20:19,075
A vagumach is when your vagina
and your stomach meet up.
506
00:20:19,077 --> 00:20:20,477
That's what I have.
No, you d--
507
00:20:20,479 --> 00:20:21,845
Look at my vagumach.
Agghhh!
508
00:20:21,847 --> 00:20:23,180
That's not a vagumach.
509
00:20:23,182 --> 00:20:24,748
I'm a vagumach.
Do you like me?
510
00:20:24,750 --> 00:20:27,152
You shut your vagumach.
That's not a vagumach.
511
00:20:27,154 --> 00:20:28,553
Ooh.
And you know what?
512
00:20:28,555 --> 00:20:29,654
When you're out there,
513
00:20:29,656 --> 00:20:31,958
do not let yourself
get pre-issed.
514
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:33,659
Ohh.
Do you wanna know?
515
00:20:33,661 --> 00:20:34,944
Mmm.
516
00:20:34,945 --> 00:20:36,229
Pre-issed is when
they stop moving.
517
00:20:36,232 --> 00:20:37,231
They just fall asleep.
518
00:20:37,233 --> 00:20:38,699
That's happened to me.
519
00:20:38,701 --> 00:20:39,867
It does happen a lot.
I've had that one.
520
00:20:39,869 --> 00:20:40,869
It saves energy though.
521
00:20:40,871 --> 00:20:41,936
It's not good.
522
00:20:44,174 --> 00:20:47,643
GREGORY: So many celebrities come to me for weight loss.
523
00:20:47,645 --> 00:20:50,514
Please,
just sit on my balls.
524
00:20:53,920 --> 00:21:00,559
This is the way
nature intended us to sit.
525
00:21:00,561 --> 00:21:02,060
There you are.
526
00:21:02,062 --> 00:21:06,733
Now the key to weight loss
is within our own bodies.
527
00:21:06,735 --> 00:21:11,605
You see, your mind
manufactured your fat.
528
00:21:11,607 --> 00:21:13,542
Well, no, honestly,
I think I manufactured it
529
00:21:13,544 --> 00:21:15,644
with hormone injections
and M&Ms so.
530
00:21:15,646 --> 00:21:17,813
( LAUGHING )
That's a very cute thing to say
531
00:21:17,815 --> 00:21:19,849
but that's something
that your mind is telling you.
532
00:21:19,851 --> 00:21:21,618
No, no, I think
it's my fat telling me.
533
00:21:21,620 --> 00:21:23,220
Oh, really,
does your fat talk?
534
00:21:23,222 --> 00:21:24,555
( EAST INDIAN ACCENT )
Is your fat
535
00:21:24,557 --> 00:21:26,291
calling you from Mumbai
right now? Uh?
536
00:21:26,293 --> 00:21:27,759
( SOUTHERN ACCENT )
Or is your fat
537
00:21:27,761 --> 00:21:30,262
some good old southern
redneck cracker from Alabama
538
00:21:30,264 --> 00:21:33,332
who's got nothing but time
and liquor on his hands?
539
00:21:33,334 --> 00:21:34,868
( BRITISH ACCENT )
Was your fat
540
00:21:34,870 --> 00:21:37,971
one of those chaps who says,
"I'm in hospital,"
541
00:21:37,973 --> 00:21:39,941
instead of
"In the hospital,"
542
00:21:39,943 --> 00:21:42,176
'cause it doesn't have time
to say articles
543
00:21:42,178 --> 00:21:45,180
in the middle of a word?
544
00:21:45,182 --> 00:21:47,716
I've no idea
what you're talking--
545
00:21:47,718 --> 00:21:49,319
'Course you don't have
any idea what I'm talking about
546
00:21:49,321 --> 00:21:52,221
but that's because I'm trained
in this profession.
547
00:21:52,223 --> 00:21:53,324
I am at--
548
00:21:53,326 --> 00:21:54,325
( GONG SOUNDING )
549
00:21:54,327 --> 00:21:56,327
A homeostasis, okay?
550
00:21:56,329 --> 00:21:59,764
I'm at my ideal weight
right now.
551
00:21:59,766 --> 00:22:02,635
( LAUGHING )
I'm sorry.
552
00:22:02,637 --> 00:22:04,270
To me--
Hmm.
553
00:22:04,272 --> 00:22:07,975
You're just a little bit,
not thin, you know?
554
00:22:07,977 --> 00:22:09,209
I mean, no offense.
555
00:22:09,211 --> 00:22:10,912
I don't want to
hurt your feelings. I--
556
00:22:10,914 --> 00:22:15,217
I am at my ideal weight
right now.
557
00:22:15,219 --> 00:22:17,086
But you're really not.
558
00:22:17,088 --> 00:22:18,354
Okay, no, no.
559
00:22:18,356 --> 00:22:20,757
What you're mistaking
for too much weight
560
00:22:20,759 --> 00:22:22,892
is actually called
soft muscle.
561
00:22:22,894 --> 00:22:24,228
Okay.
See, if I was a woman
right now,
562
00:22:24,230 --> 00:22:25,796
I wouldn't even
be able to menstruate.
563
00:22:25,798 --> 00:22:29,401
My eggs would be all dry
and just refusing to come out.
564
00:22:29,403 --> 00:22:32,170
That's how lean
I really am, right now.
565
00:22:33,375 --> 00:22:35,708
Okay, I just--
566
00:22:35,710 --> 00:22:36,776
You don't
have to talk anymore.
567
00:22:36,778 --> 00:22:38,946
Just lift up your shirt.
568
00:22:38,948 --> 00:22:41,215
I want to talk to
that fat of yours face-to-face.
569
00:22:41,217 --> 00:22:42,717
I just don't really--
Just lift it up.
570
00:22:42,719 --> 00:22:44,219
I've seen lots of
this kind of thing.
571
00:22:44,221 --> 00:22:45,420
Oh.
Oh, my God.
572
00:22:45,422 --> 00:22:46,822
Oh, Jesus.
573
00:22:46,824 --> 00:22:48,190
I didn't expect to have
that reaction.
574
00:22:48,192 --> 00:22:49,291
I'm sorry.
I can put it--
575
00:22:49,293 --> 00:22:51,862
No, no.
No, no, it's all good.
576
00:22:51,864 --> 00:22:54,131
Well, look at that,
you have a muffin top.
577
00:22:54,133 --> 00:22:56,234
Hey, there,
little muffin top.
578
00:22:56,236 --> 00:22:57,769
How you doing,
little muffin top?
579
00:22:57,771 --> 00:22:59,003
What you got down there?
580
00:22:59,005 --> 00:23:01,006
Is that blueberries
or cranberries in there.
581
00:23:01,008 --> 00:23:02,341
Ohh!
582
00:23:02,343 --> 00:23:03,776
You know, I just
really don't even know
583
00:23:03,778 --> 00:23:05,011
why they have to call it
a muffin top.
584
00:23:05,013 --> 00:23:06,713
I just wish
they'd call it a Satan top.
585
00:23:06,715 --> 00:23:07,847
That's what
it feels like to me.
586
00:23:07,849 --> 00:23:09,784
Fine, fine. Satan top.
Use that.
587
00:23:09,786 --> 00:23:12,386
Look, your mind
created this dis--
588
00:23:12,388 --> 00:23:13,788
please, pull that down.
589
00:23:13,790 --> 00:23:16,892
Your mind,
it created that disgusting
590
00:23:16,894 --> 00:23:19,162
blueberry-filled
muffin top.
591
00:23:19,164 --> 00:23:20,163
It is yours to name.
592
00:23:20,165 --> 00:23:21,464
Okay.
593
00:23:21,466 --> 00:23:24,935
I want you to send in
to my lab your stool sample.
594
00:23:24,937 --> 00:23:27,021
Eugh.
595
00:23:27,022 --> 00:23:29,107
And most importantly,
I want you to begin each day
596
00:23:29,109 --> 00:23:33,045
by drinking two fluid ounces
of your own urine.
597
00:23:33,047 --> 00:23:35,281
What?
No. Oh, God.
598
00:23:35,283 --> 00:23:36,750
Oh, I can't, I can't,
I can't, no.
599
00:23:36,752 --> 00:23:38,018
Now, look,
it's simple to do this.
600
00:23:38,020 --> 00:23:40,053
All you do, most of my clients
they just take it,
601
00:23:40,055 --> 00:23:41,422
they take the two ounces,
602
00:23:41,423 --> 00:23:42,789
they dump it
in their morning latté,
603
00:23:42,792 --> 00:23:43,891
just chuck it down.
604
00:23:43,893 --> 00:23:45,159
Never even know
the difference.
605
00:23:45,161 --> 00:23:47,396
Others make themselves
what they call a "pee tea"
606
00:23:47,398 --> 00:23:50,400
and heat it in the kettle
on that stove.
607
00:23:50,402 --> 00:23:52,836
Because Gandhi
drank his morning pee
608
00:23:52,838 --> 00:23:54,404
every single morning.
609
00:23:54,406 --> 00:23:55,840
Mahatma Gandhi?
610
00:23:55,842 --> 00:23:59,077
Yes, and now think back to
how thin Gandhi was.
611
00:23:59,079 --> 00:24:00,445
Okay.
612
00:24:00,446 --> 00:24:01,812
Hold on.
Stay on the ball.
613
00:24:01,815 --> 00:24:07,153
Now, I need you to mail me
your stool sample
614
00:24:07,155 --> 00:24:08,155
in this envelope.
615
00:24:08,157 --> 00:24:09,323
It is self-sealing.
616
00:24:09,325 --> 00:24:12,794
Do not do as many people do
and lick it.
617
00:24:12,796 --> 00:24:15,830
And this, right here,
these are your supplements.
618
00:24:15,832 --> 00:24:16,965
SUZANNE:
All right.
Okay.
619
00:24:16,967 --> 00:24:18,051
I'll do it.
620
00:24:18,052 --> 00:24:19,135
It really was a pleasure
to meet you.
621
00:24:19,137 --> 00:24:21,103
Thank you.
It was so nice-thank you.
622
00:24:21,105 --> 00:24:22,305
I'm truly grateful.
623
00:24:22,307 --> 00:24:24,474
Oh, look, sorry.
I'm just not--
624
00:24:24,476 --> 00:24:26,144
I would stand first,
but in my culture,
625
00:24:26,146 --> 00:24:28,546
it's appropriate for women
to stand before men.
626
00:24:28,548 --> 00:24:30,381
Look, I just--I'm not
good at the ball thing but I--
627
00:24:30,383 --> 00:24:31,784
thank you.
628
00:24:31,786 --> 00:24:33,185
Thank you so much.
I'm really grateful.
629
00:24:34,488 --> 00:24:35,522
Mmm.
630
00:24:35,524 --> 00:24:37,957
You will be pretty someday.
631
00:24:41,164 --> 00:24:44,332
It's our new house, buddy.
What do you think?
632
00:24:44,334 --> 00:24:45,934
Want to give Mommy kisses?
633
00:24:45,936 --> 00:24:48,103
BooBoo, give Mommy a kiss.
634
00:24:48,105 --> 00:24:50,273
Oh, there's a kissy.
635
00:24:50,275 --> 00:24:51,874
Oh, not with the tongue.
636
00:24:51,876 --> 00:24:53,142
That's confusing to Mommy.
637
00:24:53,144 --> 00:24:54,211
Oh, yeah.
638
00:25:00,420 --> 00:25:02,220
Come on, you son of a bitch.
639
00:25:16,574 --> 00:25:18,473
Oh, Jesus.
640
00:25:18,475 --> 00:25:22,312
Here, let me.
No, no.
641
00:25:22,314 --> 00:25:23,479
I'm so sorry.
642
00:25:23,481 --> 00:25:25,115
That was so weird.
I just--
643
00:25:25,117 --> 00:25:28,319
I have this thing where, like,
if I don't see it go in,
644
00:25:28,321 --> 00:25:30,522
I just Gaslight myself,
645
00:25:30,524 --> 00:25:32,390
like this old
black and white movie.
646
00:25:32,392 --> 00:25:36,229
Yeah, where Charles Boyer
tries to make Ingrid Bergman
647
00:25:36,231 --> 00:25:38,130
think she's crazy.
Yes.
648
00:25:38,132 --> 00:25:40,234
I love that movie.
649
00:25:40,236 --> 00:25:42,069
Me too.
650
00:25:42,071 --> 00:25:43,972
I thought
I was the only person
651
00:25:43,974 --> 00:25:46,875
who Gaslights themselves
at the mailbox.
652
00:25:46,877 --> 00:25:48,310
I totally do that.
653
00:25:48,312 --> 00:25:50,479
It's just some stupid crap
I have to send,
654
00:25:50,481 --> 00:25:52,482
I'm treating it
like it's gold.
655
00:25:52,484 --> 00:25:54,484
Did it go in there?
Am I crazy?
656
00:25:54,486 --> 00:25:57,955
Yeah, it's just some crap.
657
00:26:01,262 --> 00:26:02,628
Thank you.
658
00:26:02,630 --> 00:26:03,962
You're welcome.
659
00:26:05,332 --> 00:26:06,366
Morning.
660
00:26:06,368 --> 00:26:07,433
( GIGGLING )
See ya.
661
00:26:10,172 --> 00:26:13,974
Decaf, double shot,
no foam, skinny latté
662
00:26:13,976 --> 00:26:16,478
with extra room like
you asked for it three times
663
00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:18,680
even though I heard you
the first time.
664
00:26:18,682 --> 00:26:20,049
Thank you.
665
00:26:25,024 --> 00:26:26,556
Oh no, you don't.
What?
I-what?
666
00:26:26,558 --> 00:26:28,025
JAROD: I saw what you poured in that.
667
00:26:28,027 --> 00:26:30,962
That is a decaf, non-fat,
skinny pee pee latté.
668
00:26:30,964 --> 00:26:32,096
How on earth
did you even know?
669
00:26:32,098 --> 00:26:33,365
I run a coffee shop
in West L.A.
670
00:26:33,367 --> 00:26:36,235
I see every crazy diet fad
that comes in here
671
00:26:36,237 --> 00:26:38,505
and that Gregory tells people
to spend $300
672
00:26:38,507 --> 00:26:40,140
to drink their own urine?
673
00:26:40,142 --> 00:26:41,374
I mean, no wonder
they lose weight.
674
00:26:41,376 --> 00:26:43,711
They go through the day
too disgusted to eat.
675
00:26:43,713 --> 00:26:45,513
They lose weight?
676
00:26:45,515 --> 00:26:47,449
Seriously,
that's all you heard
677
00:26:47,451 --> 00:26:49,017
from what I just said?
678
00:26:49,019 --> 00:26:50,519
All right, I'm gonna
make you another latté.
679
00:26:50,521 --> 00:26:52,155
Look, I--
Oh, you know what?
680
00:26:52,157 --> 00:26:54,524
You-that's mine.
You've-that's mine.
681
00:26:54,526 --> 00:26:55,559
Oh, sorry.
682
00:26:55,561 --> 00:26:58,562
Oh, no, wait a minute.
Good news.
683
00:26:58,564 --> 00:27:00,465
We ordered exactly
the same thing.
684
00:27:00,467 --> 00:27:01,700
Here, here's mine.
I didn't touch it.
685
00:27:01,702 --> 00:27:03,268
Take that, we're fixed.
686
00:27:03,270 --> 00:27:05,304
No, it's not fixed
because that's mine
687
00:27:05,306 --> 00:27:06,439
and it's very special.
688
00:27:06,441 --> 00:27:07,974
No, look, it's okay.
689
00:27:07,976 --> 00:27:10,377
I already put my fixings in
so you take that one
690
00:27:10,379 --> 00:27:12,045
and it's a win-win.
691
00:27:12,047 --> 00:27:15,616
It's seriously not a win-win
because it's mine
692
00:27:15,618 --> 00:27:17,051
and I just really would--
693
00:27:17,053 --> 00:27:18,253
I know that we don't
know each other
694
00:27:18,255 --> 00:27:19,722
but I'm just gonna
say something here.
695
00:27:19,724 --> 00:27:22,559
I think I understand
what you're going through.
696
00:27:22,561 --> 00:27:25,061
You are afraid of change, right?
697
00:27:25,063 --> 00:27:26,363
No.
Of losing control,
698
00:27:26,365 --> 00:27:30,201
so you fixate on the idea
of ownership of objects.
699
00:27:30,203 --> 00:27:32,270
You know, I'm gonna
do you a favor, okay?
700
00:27:32,272 --> 00:27:35,607
I'm taking your latté
and I'm giving you freedom.
701
00:27:35,609 --> 00:27:38,378
You're gonna thank me,
you are.
702
00:27:41,350 --> 00:27:43,050
Oh, mm-mm.
703
00:27:43,052 --> 00:27:45,120
I'm tasting your freedom.
704
00:27:45,122 --> 00:27:47,522
So not my freedom
you're tasting.
705
00:27:53,197 --> 00:27:54,798
ELISE CHATTING:
Hey, it's Elise.
706
00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:58,068
You have to see our boss's latest video.
707
00:27:58,070 --> 00:28:00,171
Deborah is so crazy.
708
00:28:00,173 --> 00:28:02,373
Oh, and don't forget,
709
00:28:02,375 --> 00:28:06,612
tonight we have to do her creepy cable access show.
710
00:28:06,614 --> 00:28:08,782
DEBORAH ON YOUTUBE: I really don't trust a feminist
711
00:28:08,784 --> 00:28:11,084
who wears red lipstick.
712
00:28:11,086 --> 00:28:13,721
Why would you paint an orifice?
713
00:28:13,723 --> 00:28:20,062
And who can take what comes out
of a painted orifice seriously?
714
00:28:20,764 --> 00:28:22,532
Women are manipulated.
715
00:28:22,534 --> 00:28:24,767
Read: man-ipulated.
716
00:28:24,769 --> 00:28:27,104
Think about
the Washington Monument.
717
00:28:27,106 --> 00:28:30,775
Now that's just
an enormous phallus.
718
00:28:30,777 --> 00:28:34,279
If we had an Eleanor Roosevelt Tunnel,
719
00:28:34,281 --> 00:28:38,617
we would have had
a woman president years ago.
720
00:28:38,619 --> 00:28:40,153
FEMALE ANNOUNCER ON TV:
Malibu Beach University,
721
00:28:40,155 --> 00:28:41,421
Women's Studies Department,
722
00:28:41,423 --> 00:28:44,459
presents "Feminist Television."
723
00:28:46,162 --> 00:28:48,631
With today's guests,
724
00:28:48,632 --> 00:28:51,100
actress Marcia Wallace from "The Simpsons,"
725
00:28:51,102 --> 00:28:54,304
from Project Cover Girl,
726
00:28:54,306 --> 00:28:57,173
and Dr. Suzanne Nicholson.
727
00:28:57,175 --> 00:28:59,110
And our host, department chair,
728
00:28:59,112 --> 00:29:01,813
Dr. Deborah Humpries-Hostetler
729
00:29:01,815 --> 00:29:05,117
bestselling author of "Aging Gratefully."
730
00:29:05,119 --> 00:29:06,886
( APPLAUSE )
731
00:29:06,888 --> 00:29:08,754
And we are back.
732
00:29:08,756 --> 00:29:10,456
Now, ladies,
I would like to ask
733
00:29:10,458 --> 00:29:13,227
how you feel about
the current epidemic
734
00:29:13,229 --> 00:29:16,865
of female self-mutilation
through plastic surgery.
735
00:29:16,867 --> 00:29:19,734
Oh, hon, count me among
the self-mutilators.
736
00:29:19,736 --> 00:29:21,737
See my neck?
I hated it.
737
00:29:21,739 --> 00:29:23,639
Had more rings
than an old redwood.
738
00:29:23,641 --> 00:29:25,475
So I went in
and had a nip tuck me
739
00:29:25,477 --> 00:29:26,910
and now I love it.
740
00:29:26,912 --> 00:29:29,680
Well, Marcia,
you are an actress
741
00:29:29,682 --> 00:29:31,282
and obviously
you felt pressure
742
00:29:31,284 --> 00:29:33,719
from the male-dominated media.
743
00:29:33,721 --> 00:29:36,455
No, hated my neck
so I fixed it.
744
00:29:36,457 --> 00:29:39,526
As a transgender person,
I've had some work done.
745
00:29:39,528 --> 00:29:41,361
Well, it's all drag
anyway, isn't it?
746
00:29:41,363 --> 00:29:43,430
( LAUGHING )
Amen, sister.
747
00:29:43,432 --> 00:29:44,532
Haaa!
748
00:29:44,534 --> 00:29:46,233
Why don't you tell us
a little more
749
00:29:46,235 --> 00:29:48,203
what you mean when you say,
"It's a drag"?
750
00:29:48,205 --> 00:29:51,239
No, not "a drag."
"Drag," men and women.
751
00:29:51,241 --> 00:29:52,542
We're all drag queens.
752
00:29:52,544 --> 00:29:53,776
Oh.
753
00:29:53,778 --> 00:29:55,278
I mean, come on,
no one's natural.
754
00:29:55,280 --> 00:29:56,847
I don't judge anybody's drag.
755
00:29:56,849 --> 00:29:59,550
True feminism should be
complete control
756
00:29:59,552 --> 00:30:03,488
of your own body whether
it's abortion or Botox.
757
00:30:03,490 --> 00:30:07,760
I am sorry, but that is
a complete insult
758
00:30:07,762 --> 00:30:09,529
to the feminist movement.
759
00:30:09,531 --> 00:30:10,830
I'm sorry.
760
00:30:10,832 --> 00:30:12,899
But do you run
the feminist movement?
761
00:30:12,901 --> 00:30:16,404
Well, my dear,
my books are all about
762
00:30:16,406 --> 00:30:19,908
how the beauty oligarchy
destroys women's self-esteem.
763
00:30:19,910 --> 00:30:21,410
Now I do not color my hair.
764
00:30:21,412 --> 00:30:23,479
I do not wear make-up
and I will never,
765
00:30:23,481 --> 00:30:27,517
ever mutilate myself
with cosmetic surgery.
766
00:30:27,519 --> 00:30:28,703
Oh, I'm sorry, dude.
767
00:30:28,704 --> 00:30:29,887
Just because you wrote a book
768
00:30:29,889 --> 00:30:32,257
automatically makes you
the boss of all of us?
769
00:30:32,259 --> 00:30:33,925
Well, I'm sorry, dude,
770
00:30:33,927 --> 00:30:35,293
but maybe because
you used to be a man
771
00:30:35,295 --> 00:30:36,662
you don't understand.
772
00:30:36,664 --> 00:30:38,998
Oh, that's it,
play the man card with me.
773
00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:40,700
Just because
I used to be a man,
774
00:30:40,702 --> 00:30:44,371
you're gonna use me as
the proverbial bad guy, I see.
775
00:30:44,373 --> 00:30:46,541
You know,
I have to say--
776
00:30:46,543 --> 00:30:48,009
Oh, mercy.
777
00:30:48,011 --> 00:30:51,480
Hear that?
Cut! Cut! Cut.
778
00:30:51,482 --> 00:30:52,848
'Scuse me!
779
00:30:57,923 --> 00:31:00,491
( LAUGHING )
780
00:31:00,493 --> 00:31:01,859
That Deborah.
781
00:31:01,861 --> 00:31:03,829
It's just, well,
the "C" word.
782
00:31:03,831 --> 00:31:06,398
Hey.
Closed-minded.
783
00:31:06,400 --> 00:31:09,035
Yeah, that's what
I'm talking about.
784
00:31:09,037 --> 00:31:12,272
Unless she can hear me
'cause I'm super scared of her.
785
00:31:12,274 --> 00:31:14,275
Oh, she can just bite me.
786
00:31:14,277 --> 00:31:15,943
She can just bite me.
787
00:31:15,945 --> 00:31:18,380
Let's talk about
something more cheerful.
788
00:31:18,382 --> 00:31:19,914
Are you seeing anyone yet?
789
00:31:19,916 --> 00:31:21,316
No. No.
790
00:31:21,318 --> 00:31:22,418
Come on, you know
what they say
791
00:31:22,420 --> 00:31:23,719
about falling off
the horse.
792
00:31:23,721 --> 00:31:26,423
You've got to get back
in the saddle again.
793
00:31:26,425 --> 00:31:27,708
Hah!
794
00:31:27,709 --> 00:31:28,992
I keep telling her
she just has to go out there
795
00:31:28,994 --> 00:31:30,995
and get that first time
over with.
796
00:31:30,997 --> 00:31:33,765
I actually say
that sex after a break-up
797
00:31:33,767 --> 00:31:35,567
is like the first waffle.
798
00:31:35,569 --> 00:31:37,503
You know, if it's no good,
you throw it out.
799
00:31:37,505 --> 00:31:41,074
But it gets the iron ready
for the other waffles.
800
00:31:41,076 --> 00:31:42,642
My iron is ready.
801
00:31:42,644 --> 00:31:45,046
I've been spraying it
with non-stick hormones.
802
00:31:45,048 --> 00:31:46,580
( LAUGHING )
803
00:31:46,582 --> 00:31:48,316
CHRISTINA:
This is probably different
804
00:31:48,318 --> 00:31:50,552
but when I first started taking
hormone therapy,
805
00:31:50,554 --> 00:31:52,921
all of a sudden
every man I saw
806
00:31:52,923 --> 00:31:55,558
was, like,
ridiculously doable.
807
00:31:55,560 --> 00:31:56,659
Right.
808
00:31:56,661 --> 00:31:58,062
If I were in your shoes,
809
00:31:58,063 --> 00:31:59,463
I'd do it with
one of the oh,
810
00:31:59,465 --> 00:32:02,634
5,000 smoking hot young men
on that campus.
811
00:32:02,636 --> 00:32:04,102
A student?
812
00:32:04,103 --> 00:32:05,569
The simple fact is
there is no human
813
00:32:05,572 --> 00:32:07,973
more grateful than
a 20-something-year-old man
814
00:32:07,975 --> 00:32:10,543
you just slept with.
815
00:32:10,545 --> 00:32:12,813
Hey, I got the inside
perspective on that one.
816
00:32:12,815 --> 00:32:13,780
Hello.
817
00:32:16,486 --> 00:32:20,923
Oh, I got a early call
tomorrow, I should go.
818
00:32:20,925 --> 00:32:22,691
My private cell.
819
00:32:22,693 --> 00:32:26,096
If you would like a makeover
for the first waffle,
820
00:32:26,098 --> 00:32:27,097
it's on me.
821
00:32:27,099 --> 00:32:28,431
Thank you.
822
00:32:28,433 --> 00:32:30,601
Yeah!
Waffles for all my friends!
823
00:32:34,074 --> 00:32:36,775
Oh, hon, I don't think
this drinking thing's
824
00:32:36,777 --> 00:32:37,909
gonna work out for you.
825
00:32:38,980 --> 00:32:40,446
Hey, sure.
826
00:32:40,448 --> 00:32:42,615
I've never been
drunk before ever.
827
00:32:44,120 --> 00:32:47,488
My cheeks are so numb.
Are they turning pink?
828
00:32:48,592 --> 00:32:50,859
KIM: I found this
awesome dating service
829
00:32:50,861 --> 00:32:52,762
called "It's Just Drinks."
830
00:32:52,764 --> 00:32:53,863
You're not serious?
831
00:32:53,865 --> 00:32:55,030
It is,
"It's Just Drinks."
832
00:32:55,032 --> 00:32:57,534
Terrible idea.
It's a great idea.
833
00:32:57,536 --> 00:32:59,669
I already signed us up
and paid for us both.
834
00:32:59,671 --> 00:33:01,873
We are not doing it.
You are married.
835
00:33:01,875 --> 00:33:04,709
Look, I just want to check out
what my current market value is
836
00:33:04,711 --> 00:33:07,012
when I'm not driving
a minivan covered in
837
00:33:07,014 --> 00:33:08,714
"My Little Pony"
stickers, okay?
838
00:33:08,716 --> 00:33:10,015
And Barnaby,
he's super cool with it.
839
00:33:10,017 --> 00:33:11,618
Oh, I'm sure
he's very cool, yeah.
840
00:33:11,620 --> 00:33:14,053
He is super cool with anything
that gets me to shave
841
00:33:14,055 --> 00:33:15,456
above the knee, all right?
842
00:33:15,458 --> 00:33:16,924
Oh, well,
that I could believe.
843
00:33:16,926 --> 00:33:20,529
( MUSIC PLAYING )
844
00:33:20,531 --> 00:33:25,968
So let's mix, mingle
and remember, it's just drinks.
845
00:33:25,970 --> 00:33:27,703
Ha, ha.
846
00:33:27,705 --> 00:33:29,907
You're a car salesman,
that's awesome.
847
00:33:29,909 --> 00:33:31,175
Good for you.
848
00:33:31,177 --> 00:33:33,478
What will it take
for you to say "Yes"
849
00:33:33,480 --> 00:33:34,846
to sleeping with me
tonight?
850
00:33:35,882 --> 00:33:37,650
( LAUGHING )
851
00:33:37,652 --> 00:33:38,651
Huh?
852
00:33:38,653 --> 00:33:41,220
( LAUGHING )
853
00:33:41,221 --> 00:33:43,789
Well, I don't know.
How about a tsunami?
854
00:33:43,792 --> 00:33:45,926
MAN: So in addition to running my own hedge fund,
855
00:33:45,928 --> 00:33:47,829
I am also a plushie.
856
00:33:49,199 --> 00:33:50,665
I don't know what that is.
857
00:33:50,667 --> 00:33:54,670
Oh, I like to dress
in a furry pink rabbit suit
858
00:33:54,672 --> 00:33:59,476
that has a hole cut into it
for my genitalia.
859
00:34:01,848 --> 00:34:02,847
Hah!
860
00:34:04,217 --> 00:34:06,685
Must get cold.
861
00:34:06,687 --> 00:34:08,086
What are you driving these days?
862
00:34:09,657 --> 00:34:13,627
I'm driving a Ford.
I got to go.
863
00:34:13,629 --> 00:34:15,062
I'll-thank you.
Suzanne sounds European.
864
00:34:15,064 --> 00:34:16,063
You should be
in a European car.
865
00:34:16,065 --> 00:34:17,064
I'm just saying.
866
00:34:17,066 --> 00:34:18,700
Well, thank you.
867
00:34:18,702 --> 00:34:20,668
I'll call you in three years
when my visa's up, okay.
868
00:34:23,140 --> 00:34:24,490
Thank you.
869
00:34:24,491 --> 00:34:25,841
So, how was
"It's Just Drinks"?
870
00:34:25,843 --> 00:34:28,011
It was just horrible.
871
00:34:28,013 --> 00:34:29,012
Oh, oh.
872
00:34:30,816 --> 00:34:32,400
I love you so much.
873
00:34:32,401 --> 00:34:33,984
And please, please, please,
don't ever leave me.
874
00:34:33,987 --> 00:34:34,986
Don't ever make me go.
I won't.
875
00:34:34,988 --> 00:34:36,088
Oh.
876
00:34:36,090 --> 00:34:37,089
She shaved her legs.
877
00:34:37,091 --> 00:34:39,858
I did. I did.
Both of them.
878
00:34:39,860 --> 00:34:41,594
( KISSING )
879
00:34:41,596 --> 00:34:42,629
I'm happy for you.
880
00:34:42,631 --> 00:34:43,796
BARNABY:
I'll take it.
881
00:34:43,798 --> 00:34:45,699
( KISSING )
Mmm, thank you.
882
00:34:45,701 --> 00:34:46,734
SUZANNE:
You were at my wedding.
883
00:34:46,736 --> 00:34:47,735
You could have said something.
884
00:34:47,737 --> 00:34:49,103
LINDA:
What am I gonna say?
885
00:34:49,105 --> 00:34:52,107
Great dress. Run for your life?
886
00:34:52,109 --> 00:34:54,176
Besides, you loved him.
887
00:34:54,178 --> 00:34:55,177
I know.
888
00:34:55,179 --> 00:34:56,746
You know what?
889
00:34:56,748 --> 00:34:58,114
I am gonna fix you up
with a genuinely good guy.
890
00:34:58,116 --> 00:34:59,683
Ohh.
No, no, no.
891
00:34:59,685 --> 00:35:02,019
This guy's new professor
to the department.
892
00:35:02,021 --> 00:35:03,621
He's divorced.
He's lovely.
893
00:35:03,623 --> 00:35:06,224
It's not on.
He's luh-vely.
894
00:35:06,226 --> 00:35:07,559
Trust me.
895
00:35:07,561 --> 00:35:10,162
I am very good at this.
896
00:35:10,164 --> 00:35:12,999
And besides, he couldn't be
worse than the guy you picked.
897
00:35:13,001 --> 00:35:14,200
You know what?
898
00:35:14,202 --> 00:35:17,772
I just wish I could stop
thinking about them
899
00:35:17,774 --> 00:35:19,774
all the time.
It's all I think about.
900
00:35:21,210 --> 00:35:22,210
Hi.
901
00:35:22,212 --> 00:35:23,879
Oh.
902
00:35:23,881 --> 00:35:28,651
Um, you know, I always
really did admire you.
903
00:35:28,653 --> 00:35:31,655
When I was an undergraduate,
I actually took your class.
904
00:35:31,657 --> 00:35:33,023
Then you took my husband.
905
00:35:33,025 --> 00:35:34,058
Ha, ha.
906
00:35:36,229 --> 00:35:38,363
No, no.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
907
00:35:38,365 --> 00:35:39,799
Hey, hey.
908
00:35:39,801 --> 00:35:41,667
Cut it out.
909
00:35:41,669 --> 00:35:43,669
( PHONE RINGING )
910
00:35:43,671 --> 00:35:46,974
Hello?
Yeah, no, I'm good.
911
00:35:46,976 --> 00:35:48,610
Did that actually happen?
912
00:35:50,213 --> 00:35:51,212
No.
913
00:35:51,214 --> 00:35:52,246
( LAUGHING )
914
00:35:52,248 --> 00:35:54,116
In my head, it happened.
915
00:35:54,118 --> 00:35:57,019
( LAUGHING )
916
00:35:59,157 --> 00:36:00,890
Well, it should have.
917
00:36:00,892 --> 00:36:05,196
♪ I don't know why He does these things ♪
918
00:36:06,800 --> 00:36:10,268
Listen, people usually go out
for coffee on a first date
919
00:36:10,270 --> 00:36:11,671
but you and I have had coffee,
920
00:36:11,673 --> 00:36:14,774
like, a ridiculous
amount of times.
921
00:36:14,776 --> 00:36:16,977
Plus, I saved you
from drinking your own pee,
922
00:36:16,979 --> 00:36:19,113
which I think should count for something.
923
00:36:19,115 --> 00:36:21,850
So I was wondering...
924
00:36:25,757 --> 00:36:28,290
could I cook dinner
for you at my place?
925
00:36:28,292 --> 00:36:29,760
Yeah.
Okay.
926
00:36:29,762 --> 00:36:30,761
Yeah.
927
00:36:30,763 --> 00:36:33,047
Good.
928
00:36:33,048 --> 00:36:35,333
KIM [ON PHONE]: So whendid Jarod start serving waffles
929
00:36:35,335 --> 00:36:38,002
in that coffee shop?
930
00:36:38,004 --> 00:36:39,304
Mmm, first waffle.
931
00:36:39,306 --> 00:36:41,774
Shut up.
KIM: He's, like, what? Twelve?
932
00:36:41,776 --> 00:36:43,810
No, I think he's 30.
933
00:36:43,812 --> 00:36:46,246
KIM: And I can't believe you are going to a tranny
934
00:36:46,248 --> 00:36:47,882
for a sex makeover.
935
00:36:47,884 --> 00:36:49,717
Where's Jarod taking you anyway?
936
00:36:49,719 --> 00:36:50,885
He's making me dinner.
937
00:36:50,887 --> 00:36:52,387
KIM:
In his Easy-Bake oven?
938
00:36:52,389 --> 00:36:53,955
That is so cute.
939
00:36:53,957 --> 00:36:55,924
Shut up.
940
00:36:55,926 --> 00:36:58,161
( LAUGHING )
941
00:37:00,900 --> 00:37:03,701
Now quality lingerie
is to 40-year-old sex
942
00:37:03,703 --> 00:37:07,405
what MI semiautomatic rifles
were to D-Day.
943
00:37:07,407 --> 00:37:09,107
What?
944
00:37:09,109 --> 00:37:11,877
You can't go in unarmed
and you can't go in naked.
945
00:37:11,879 --> 00:37:14,113
Oh.
I love war analogies.
946
00:37:14,115 --> 00:37:15,315
I get it.
947
00:37:15,317 --> 00:37:16,950
Okay. Men.
948
00:37:16,952 --> 00:37:18,920
It's all about
the hair and the boobs.
949
00:37:18,922 --> 00:37:22,190
So whatever you can do
to get your hair big, do it.
950
00:37:22,192 --> 00:37:24,393
Okay.
Now, as for the boobs--
951
00:37:24,395 --> 00:37:26,028
Yeah.
Same as the hair.
952
00:37:26,030 --> 00:37:27,329
Men like big boobs.
953
00:37:27,331 --> 00:37:29,032
They can never be too big.
Right.
954
00:37:29,034 --> 00:37:31,267
And since you're gonna
keep your bustier on,
955
00:37:31,269 --> 00:37:33,170
we're gonna
kick it up a notch.
956
00:37:33,172 --> 00:37:35,206
( LAUGHING )
With these.
957
00:37:35,208 --> 00:37:36,307
Oh, my God.
958
00:37:36,309 --> 00:37:38,810
Chicken cutlets.
Hold that.
959
00:37:38,812 --> 00:37:40,479
Let me get
these girls in here.
960
00:37:40,481 --> 00:37:41,881
Hello, mama.
961
00:37:43,218 --> 00:37:45,084
Wow.
I know.
962
00:37:45,086 --> 00:37:46,253
Ooh, cold.
963
00:37:48,324 --> 00:37:51,226
Ah, I know it's cold,
honey, but look.
964
00:37:51,228 --> 00:37:52,260
Bam!
965
00:37:52,262 --> 00:37:54,864
Maximum firepower
right there.
966
00:37:54,866 --> 00:37:56,316
Wow.
967
00:37:56,317 --> 00:37:57,767
Now the reason
I got you in shapewear--
968
00:37:57,769 --> 00:37:59,001
Yeah.
Is to boost your confidence.
969
00:37:59,003 --> 00:38:00,504
Ohh.
970
00:38:00,505 --> 00:38:02,005
You don't like
your tummy or your thighs
971
00:38:02,007 --> 00:38:03,406
so we're gonna
direct him up here
972
00:38:03,408 --> 00:38:04,776
to the girls.
Right.
973
00:38:04,778 --> 00:38:06,377
Yo, and the most
important part.
974
00:38:06,379 --> 00:38:08,045
Here you go.
Spread 'em.
975
00:38:08,047 --> 00:38:09,882
There's a pee flap pull-out.
976
00:38:09,884 --> 00:38:11,416
Check it out.
Okay.
977
00:38:11,418 --> 00:38:12,451
It's very handy.
978
00:38:12,453 --> 00:38:14,521
It's like a puppet.
979
00:38:14,523 --> 00:38:15,922
Hello, I'm old and desperate.
980
00:38:15,924 --> 00:38:18,225
Okay, so if the clothes
are gonna come off--
981
00:38:18,227 --> 00:38:20,127
Okay.
Go in the bathroom.
982
00:38:20,129 --> 00:38:21,428
You lose the shapewear.
983
00:38:21,430 --> 00:38:22,464
You've got your underpants
on so you're good.
984
00:38:22,466 --> 00:38:23,965
Right, right.
985
00:38:23,967 --> 00:38:28,337
You check your teeth,
you fluff your hair bigger.
986
00:38:28,339 --> 00:38:30,139
Yeah. And you're gonna be
good to go.
987
00:38:30,141 --> 00:38:32,843
Oh, I dunno.
It's a lot to remember.
988
00:38:32,845 --> 00:38:35,012
I just don't feel
like I can do this.
989
00:38:35,014 --> 00:38:36,347
Well, of course, you can
and you know what?
990
00:38:36,349 --> 00:38:37,849
I made you a checklist.
991
00:38:37,851 --> 00:38:40,553
Do not, I repeat,
do not take off the heels
992
00:38:40,555 --> 00:38:42,555
and do not
take off the bustier.
993
00:38:42,557 --> 00:38:44,123
What if he asks me to?
994
00:38:44,125 --> 00:38:46,026
You tell him no.
995
00:38:46,027 --> 00:38:47,927
Believe me, it's not
a deal-breaker for him.
996
00:38:47,930 --> 00:38:48,929
Bam.
997
00:38:50,967 --> 00:38:52,133
JAROD:
You're really pretty.
998
00:38:52,135 --> 00:38:53,669
SUZANNE:
Hah.
999
00:38:53,670 --> 00:38:55,203
JAROD:
Do you mind if I say that?
1000
00:38:55,206 --> 00:38:56,238
No.
1001
00:39:06,252 --> 00:39:08,386
Oh, I-sorry, I have to,
1002
00:39:08,388 --> 00:39:09,888
uh, just have to go
to the bathroom.
1003
00:39:09,890 --> 00:39:12,158
Oh. Okay.
It's right there.
1004
00:39:12,160 --> 00:39:14,460
Need to take my purse
for girlie stuff.
1005
00:39:14,462 --> 00:39:17,030
Take your purse.
1006
00:39:22,572 --> 00:39:25,574
♪ A little spark ♪
1007
00:39:25,576 --> 00:39:30,347
♪ A smile and then a look ♪
1008
00:39:30,349 --> 00:39:33,216
♪ You caught my eye ♪
1009
00:39:33,218 --> 00:39:36,354
♪ And that was all it took ♪
( SUZANNE GRUNTING )
1010
00:39:41,362 --> 00:39:42,494
Oh, jeez.
1011
00:39:54,945 --> 00:39:57,046
Oh, my God!
1012
00:40:07,527 --> 00:40:09,394
( GROANING )
1013
00:40:09,396 --> 00:40:11,263
( SLAPPING )
1014
00:40:11,265 --> 00:40:12,331
Hey!
1015
00:40:12,333 --> 00:40:14,066
Go away.
1016
00:40:14,068 --> 00:40:16,069
Are you okay?
Yeah. No, I'm good.
1017
00:40:16,071 --> 00:40:18,371
I'll just be out
in one second.
1018
00:40:18,373 --> 00:40:20,374
( SLAPPING )
1019
00:40:25,149 --> 00:40:26,281
JAROD:
Do you need anything or...
1020
00:40:26,283 --> 00:40:27,449
No, I'm good.
1021
00:40:27,451 --> 00:40:29,218
I'll just--
just two seconds.
1022
00:40:29,220 --> 00:40:30,219
Sorry.
1023
00:40:34,527 --> 00:40:35,526
( WHIMPERING )
1024
00:40:35,528 --> 00:40:36,493
It's fine.
1025
00:40:39,032 --> 00:40:42,468
♪ I can't get enough ♪
1026
00:40:42,470 --> 00:40:46,172
♪ It all just seems so nice ♪
1027
00:40:46,174 --> 00:40:52,113
♪ It all sure feels good To be alive ♪
1028
00:40:52,983 --> 00:40:55,049
( SQUEALING )
1029
00:40:55,051 --> 00:40:56,585
JAROD:
Oh, my God.
1030
00:40:56,587 --> 00:40:59,388
( GIGGLING )
1031
00:41:09,236 --> 00:41:10,235
Agh!
1032
00:41:10,237 --> 00:41:13,138
Oh, God, oh,
there's something--
1033
00:41:13,140 --> 00:41:15,641
It's a hair thing.
I got it.
1034
00:41:15,643 --> 00:41:16,642
Let me get it.
I got it, I got it.
1035
00:41:16,644 --> 00:41:18,178
Okay.
I got it.
1036
00:41:18,180 --> 00:41:21,615
It's a Bumpit.
It's a hair thing.
1037
00:41:21,617 --> 00:41:24,285
It's for making my hair big.
1038
00:41:24,287 --> 00:41:25,620
Oh. Thank you.
1039
00:41:25,622 --> 00:41:27,122
I'm so sorry.
Cool. It's like a hair toy.
1040
00:41:27,124 --> 00:41:28,791
That's fine.
It's weird.
1041
00:41:28,793 --> 00:41:31,060
It's not weird.
It's all right.
1042
00:41:32,164 --> 00:41:33,563
Hey, let's take this off.
1043
00:41:33,565 --> 00:41:34,598
No! No.
1044
00:41:34,600 --> 00:41:35,599
Okay.
1045
00:41:35,601 --> 00:41:36,601
I'm sorry.
1046
00:41:36,603 --> 00:41:38,136
Is that weird?
1047
00:41:38,138 --> 00:41:40,038
I would rather--
It's fine. No, I like it.
1048
00:41:40,040 --> 00:41:41,440
Really?
Yeah, yeah.
1049
00:41:49,551 --> 00:41:50,551
Mmm.
1050
00:41:55,526 --> 00:41:56,491
Oh, my God.
1051
00:41:59,764 --> 00:42:01,064
Do you mind--
let's go under the covers.
1052
00:42:01,066 --> 00:42:02,498
I'm really, really cold, okay?
1053
00:42:02,500 --> 00:42:03,500
Okay.
1054
00:42:03,502 --> 00:42:05,135
( GIGGLING )
1055
00:42:05,137 --> 00:42:06,203
JAROD: Oh!
( SCREAMING )
1056
00:42:06,205 --> 00:42:07,337
Oh, God.
( SCREAMING )
1057
00:42:07,339 --> 00:42:08,606
SUZANNE:
What? What? What?
1058
00:42:08,608 --> 00:42:10,241
Shh, get out.
Get out of there.
1059
00:42:10,243 --> 00:42:11,409
There's something
might be alive in there.
1060
00:42:11,411 --> 00:42:12,778
What?
1061
00:42:12,780 --> 00:42:15,681
There's something
that might be alive. Shh!
1062
00:42:15,683 --> 00:42:17,551
What is it?
( indistinct )
1063
00:42:23,827 --> 00:42:25,693
Oh, God!
( SCREAMING )
1064
00:42:25,695 --> 00:42:27,763
Shit! Oh, God.
1065
00:42:27,765 --> 00:42:28,831
Jesus, hold on, hold on.
1066
00:42:28,833 --> 00:42:30,667
Shh. What is it?
1067
00:42:31,803 --> 00:42:33,403
Oh, God.
1068
00:42:33,405 --> 00:42:34,771
What is it?
1069
00:42:34,773 --> 00:42:37,575
It's a boob thing.
It's my boob thing.
1070
00:42:37,577 --> 00:42:39,310
I just-ohh.
1071
00:42:39,312 --> 00:42:40,745
Wait, what are you--
what's--
1072
00:42:40,747 --> 00:42:42,380
It's a fake boob thing.
I wear it and I--
1073
00:42:42,382 --> 00:42:43,715
Why do you have
a fake boob thing?
1074
00:42:43,717 --> 00:42:45,384
Your boobs look awesome.
Stupid.
1075
00:42:45,386 --> 00:42:46,853
God, I'm an idiot.
1076
00:42:46,855 --> 00:42:48,622
You know what?
I'm just--
1077
00:42:48,624 --> 00:42:49,690
I'm just
not ready for this.
1078
00:42:49,692 --> 00:42:53,261
I just feel stupid and old.
1079
00:42:54,631 --> 00:42:56,464
You're not old.
1080
00:42:56,466 --> 00:42:59,768
Hey, you don't need
all this shit.
1081
00:42:59,770 --> 00:43:02,205
I mean, it's--
I liked it.
1082
00:43:02,207 --> 00:43:03,740
I mean, it's actually
pretty cool but--
1083
00:43:03,742 --> 00:43:05,208
it's kind of nice.
1084
00:43:05,210 --> 00:43:08,346
It just--
it freaked me out.
1085
00:43:08,348 --> 00:43:09,547
It felt
like an alien heart.
1086
00:43:09,549 --> 00:43:10,615
( LAUGHING )
1087
00:43:12,486 --> 00:43:13,502
I'm sorry.
1088
00:43:13,503 --> 00:43:14,519
I just--
you know what it is?
1089
00:43:14,522 --> 00:43:18,391
I just really
have not had sex with anyone
1090
00:43:18,393 --> 00:43:22,463
except my husband
for, like, a decade.
1091
00:43:22,465 --> 00:43:24,632
My ex-husband,
1092
00:43:24,634 --> 00:43:25,667
my ex-husband.
1093
00:43:29,908 --> 00:43:32,475
Hey, I have an idea.
1094
00:43:32,477 --> 00:43:33,744
What?
1095
00:43:33,746 --> 00:43:35,712
Shut up.
Just lie down.
1096
00:43:37,650 --> 00:43:39,918
Just stay there.
1097
00:43:39,920 --> 00:43:41,252
( KISSING )
1098
00:43:41,254 --> 00:43:43,722
Oh, you know what?
You don't have to.
1099
00:43:43,724 --> 00:43:47,661
Shh. I like it, okay?
1100
00:43:47,663 --> 00:43:51,264
Actually, I love it.
1101
00:43:51,266 --> 00:43:53,301
And I'm really good at it.
1102
00:43:53,303 --> 00:43:56,672
Like, really good at it.
So just relax.
1103
00:44:03,949 --> 00:44:07,718
Oh, yes, you are.
1104
00:44:07,720 --> 00:44:09,988
KIM:
He did a sacrifice fly?
1105
00:44:09,990 --> 00:44:11,289
SUZANNE:
What?
1106
00:44:11,291 --> 00:44:14,560
You know,
he just did you.
1107
00:44:15,797 --> 00:44:16,829
(INDISTINCT)
1108
00:44:18,633 --> 00:44:20,567
Yeah?
I reciprocated.
1109
00:44:20,569 --> 00:44:21,802
Ah, yes.
1110
00:44:21,804 --> 00:44:24,639
An inside-the-park home run.
1111
00:44:24,641 --> 00:44:25,974
Give it, c'mon, give it.
1112
00:44:25,976 --> 00:44:27,475
Good for you.
1113
00:44:27,477 --> 00:44:28,744
Oh, God.
1114
00:44:30,481 --> 00:44:33,550
See, wasn't that a good idea?
1115
00:44:33,552 --> 00:44:34,784
Yes.
Thank you.
1116
00:44:34,786 --> 00:44:36,886
It was.
Thank you very much.
1117
00:44:36,888 --> 00:44:39,957
KIM: Did he want to snuggle after?
1118
00:44:39,959 --> 00:44:41,292
He wanted to snuggle with me
1119
00:44:41,294 --> 00:44:43,862
and one stuffed animal.
1120
00:44:43,864 --> 00:44:44,997
'Cause he's a big boy now.
1121
00:44:44,999 --> 00:44:46,032
( indistinct )
the other one.
1122
00:44:46,034 --> 00:44:47,700
He's a big boy now.
1123
00:44:47,702 --> 00:44:48,835
Hey!
Mm?
1124
00:44:48,837 --> 00:44:50,436
You want to go get
some ice cream?
1125
00:44:50,438 --> 00:44:52,506
Ye-es!
I have some in my freezer.
1126
00:44:52,508 --> 00:44:54,541
Sweet.
Let's go, let's go.
1127
00:44:54,543 --> 00:44:56,878
I hope you like
mint chocolate chip.
1128
00:44:59,483 --> 00:45:01,651
So we'll have to call it an early night.
1129
00:45:01,653 --> 00:45:03,486
I got finals.
1130
00:45:03,488 --> 00:45:05,889
You're not a student.
What are you talking about?
1131
00:45:05,891 --> 00:45:07,557
JAROD:
I'm getting my MBA
1132
00:45:07,559 --> 00:45:09,994
through Malibu Beach Extension and stuff.
1133
00:45:09,996 --> 00:45:11,329
Really?
1134
00:45:14,969 --> 00:45:17,336
Hey, are you, like,
a big fan of that actress,
1135
00:45:17,338 --> 00:45:18,571
Marcia Wallace?
1136
00:45:18,573 --> 00:45:21,374
I mean, sort of,
she's my mom, so.
1137
00:45:22,679 --> 00:45:24,011
Seriously?
Yeah.
1138
00:45:24,013 --> 00:45:25,546
God, that's funny.
1139
00:45:25,548 --> 00:45:27,316
She actually told me
to sleep with a student.
1140
00:45:27,318 --> 00:45:29,918
She probably didn't mean you.
1141
00:45:29,920 --> 00:45:30,952
My mom said that?
1142
00:45:30,954 --> 00:45:32,655
Yeah.
Funny, ain't it?
1143
00:45:32,657 --> 00:45:33,656
( GIGGLING )
1144
00:45:35,928 --> 00:45:37,294
Mm-hm.
1145
00:45:37,295 --> 00:45:38,661
MARCIA:
Jarod, you home?
1146
00:45:38,664 --> 00:45:39,730
Oh, hi, doll.
1147
00:45:43,670 --> 00:45:44,870
Hi.
1148
00:45:44,872 --> 00:45:48,074
Well, now,
isn't this awkward?
1149
00:45:48,076 --> 00:45:49,443
KIM:
Are you serious?
1150
00:45:49,445 --> 00:45:50,544
Yes.
1151
00:45:50,545 --> 00:45:51,644
Okay, but then
what happened?
1152
00:45:51,647 --> 00:45:55,116
SUZANNE: Oh, God, then she yelled at me.
1153
00:45:55,118 --> 00:45:56,784
KIM:
It was her idea.
1154
00:46:00,458 --> 00:46:01,890
Yeah, you're right.
I would've killed you too.
1155
00:46:01,892 --> 00:46:03,093
SUZANNE:
Yeah.
1156
00:46:03,095 --> 00:46:05,395
I wish she would have killed me.
1157
00:46:05,397 --> 00:46:07,130
I'm probably
gonna go get changed.
1158
00:46:07,132 --> 00:46:08,499
I would.
Yeah.
1159
00:46:08,501 --> 00:46:10,134
Thank you so much.
I'm so sorry.
1160
00:46:10,136 --> 00:46:13,372
I just-I gotta go.
1161
00:46:13,374 --> 00:46:15,140
Not another word.
1162
00:46:15,142 --> 00:46:16,442
I hope you can go out
with him again,
1163
00:46:16,444 --> 00:46:18,578
unless he's grounded.
1164
00:46:18,580 --> 00:46:19,712
( LAUGHING )
He's grounded.
1165
00:46:19,714 --> 00:46:21,115
He could get grounded.
1166
00:46:21,117 --> 00:46:22,816
He could get grounded.
1167
00:46:25,154 --> 00:46:26,454
SUZANNE:
God.
1168
00:46:26,456 --> 00:46:28,556
It's like a horror movie.
1169
00:46:28,558 --> 00:46:30,926
"Revenge of the Chocolate" or something.
1170
00:46:36,468 --> 00:46:37,934
♪ Muffin top muffin top ♪
1171
00:46:37,936 --> 00:46:39,737
♪ You've got a muffin top ♪
1172
00:46:39,739 --> 00:46:41,706
♪ Muffin top ♪
1173
00:46:41,708 --> 00:46:42,940
♪ Ba-dum-bum-bum ♪
1174
00:46:42,942 --> 00:46:44,476
♪ Muffin top muffin top ♪
1175
00:46:44,478 --> 00:46:45,644
♪ You've got a muffin top ♪
1176
00:46:45,646 --> 00:46:47,880
That's it.
You are so fired.
1177
00:46:47,882 --> 00:46:49,816
( LAUGHING )
1178
00:46:52,722 --> 00:46:53,721
I gotta go.
1179
00:46:53,723 --> 00:46:54,722
Okay.
I'll see you.
1180
00:46:54,724 --> 00:46:57,810
Bye, honey.
1181
00:46:57,811 --> 00:47:00,896
Ooh, remember, don't knock up
the co-workers.
1182
00:47:00,898 --> 00:47:01,898
Don't worry.
1183
00:47:01,900 --> 00:47:03,666
Okay.
1184
00:47:03,668 --> 00:47:04,500
Bye.
1185
00:47:04,502 --> 00:47:05,968
Bye.
See you soon.
1186
00:47:09,642 --> 00:47:11,860
Okay.
1187
00:47:11,861 --> 00:47:14,078
( CLEARING THROAT )
I'm getting liposuction.
1188
00:47:14,080 --> 00:47:18,184
I know it's stupid.
I know I don't need it.
1189
00:47:18,186 --> 00:47:21,822
I just want it.
I just want it.
1190
00:47:21,824 --> 00:47:24,959
I want it the way
a middle aged man
1191
00:47:24,961 --> 00:47:26,994
wants a Mercedes Benz.
1192
00:47:28,966 --> 00:47:30,466
So what do you think?
1193
00:47:31,602 --> 00:47:34,571
You had me at
"I'm getting liposuction."
1194
00:47:37,075 --> 00:47:38,943
SUZANNE
Did you get my message?
1195
00:47:38,945 --> 00:47:46,853
I just want to do the Angelina husband-stealing lip pouf.
1196
00:47:46,855 --> 00:47:48,120
All right.
1197
00:47:48,122 --> 00:47:49,822
I read this in Wikipedia.
1198
00:47:49,824 --> 00:47:52,593
You can take the fat
that you are gonna take
1199
00:47:52,595 --> 00:47:54,094
directly out of my butt--
1200
00:47:54,096 --> 00:47:55,262
DOCTOR:
Uh-hm.
1201
00:47:55,264 --> 00:47:57,832
And you can put it
into my lips.
1202
00:47:57,834 --> 00:48:03,839
So people can actually
kiss my ass.
1203
00:48:03,841 --> 00:48:05,442
( LAUGHING )
1204
00:48:05,443 --> 00:48:07,043
Okay, so what's happening now
is the meds are kicking in.
1205
00:48:07,045 --> 00:48:08,178
I feel good.
1206
00:48:08,180 --> 00:48:09,780
I can see that.
That's wonderful.
1207
00:48:09,782 --> 00:48:11,182
You know, we're not
gonna have this conversation,
1208
00:48:11,184 --> 00:48:12,717
though, about--
Can we please just do it?
1209
00:48:12,719 --> 00:48:13,886
I'm here.
No, we can't please do it.
1210
00:48:13,888 --> 00:48:15,521
I will give you money.
1211
00:48:15,523 --> 00:48:16,922
We're not gonna have the
conversation about, you know,
1212
00:48:16,924 --> 00:48:18,591
what procedures
we're gonna do or not gonna do.
1213
00:48:18,593 --> 00:48:19,592
We're not gonna do that right now.
1214
00:48:19,594 --> 00:48:21,728
( CRYING ):
Did I tell you
1215
00:48:21,730 --> 00:48:24,899
that the woman
that stole my husband
1216
00:48:27,671 --> 00:48:34,010
has those lips, those--
they're beautiful.
1217
00:48:34,012 --> 00:48:35,211
Okay.
1218
00:48:35,213 --> 00:48:37,247
I'm gonna give you
a temporary injection
1219
00:48:37,249 --> 00:48:39,016
into your lips of saline.
1220
00:48:39,018 --> 00:48:42,287
That is going to give you
the pouf
that you're talking about.
1221
00:48:42,289 --> 00:48:44,022
Thank you.
It's temporary.
1222
00:48:48,296 --> 00:48:49,796
Is that my fat?
1223
00:48:49,797 --> 00:48:51,298
DOCTOR: It is your fat, yes.
SUZANNE: Ahh!
1224
00:48:51,300 --> 00:48:54,702
DOCTOR: Say goodbye. Wave goodbye to your fat.
1225
00:48:54,704 --> 00:48:55,970
SUZANNE: It's yellow.
DOCTOR: Yes, it is.
1226
00:48:55,972 --> 00:48:57,605
It's like butter.
Yeah.
1227
00:48:57,607 --> 00:49:00,809
Which is perfect because
that's where I got it.
1228
00:49:00,811 --> 00:49:01,643
DOCTOR:
Mm-hm.
1229
00:49:01,645 --> 00:49:03,780
Can I keep my fat?
1230
00:49:03,782 --> 00:49:05,348
Can I keep it?
1231
00:49:05,349 --> 00:49:06,915
Suzanne,
if you sign a release,
1232
00:49:06,918 --> 00:49:08,252
I will give you your fat.
1233
00:49:08,254 --> 00:49:09,787
Oh, thank you.
1234
00:49:09,789 --> 00:49:11,589
'Cause, God knows,
it is your fat.
1235
00:49:11,591 --> 00:49:13,358
Thank you.
Thank you.
1236
00:49:13,360 --> 00:49:14,759
Yeah, keep your hands down.
1237
00:49:14,761 --> 00:49:16,995
That face mask
looks so pretty on you.
1238
00:49:21,837 --> 00:49:23,737
KIM: All right, pretty lady, we're home.
1239
00:49:23,739 --> 00:49:24,671
C'mon.
1240
00:49:24,673 --> 00:49:27,241
We're home?
Yeah, come on.
1241
00:49:27,243 --> 00:49:28,242
Come on.
1242
00:49:28,244 --> 00:49:29,677
( indistinct )
1243
00:49:29,679 --> 00:49:30,679
Come on, BooBoo.
1244
00:49:30,681 --> 00:49:33,215
Yeah, hi, BooBoo.
1245
00:49:33,217 --> 00:49:35,752
Yeah.
1246
00:49:35,754 --> 00:49:36,853
Okay.
1247
00:49:36,855 --> 00:49:38,321
Okay, okay, okay.
1248
00:49:38,323 --> 00:49:40,257
Do not drop that.
1249
00:49:40,259 --> 00:49:41,826
It's my fat.
All right.
1250
00:49:41,828 --> 00:49:42,927
I made it.
1251
00:49:42,929 --> 00:49:44,128
I know you made it.
1252
00:49:44,130 --> 00:49:45,163
And you know what?
1253
00:49:45,165 --> 00:49:46,231
Do we need to bring it inside?
1254
00:49:46,233 --> 00:49:48,233
I don't--
no, no, no.
1255
00:49:48,235 --> 00:49:49,936
Aghh!
Okay.
1256
00:49:50,939 --> 00:49:53,139
Oh, yeah,
you showed him, huh?
1257
00:49:53,141 --> 00:49:54,842
That was Michael, huh?
1258
00:49:54,844 --> 00:49:58,013
Okay, come on,
there we go, okay.
1259
00:50:01,018 --> 00:50:02,017
Don't--
1260
00:50:02,019 --> 00:50:03,152
Are we home yet?
1261
00:50:03,154 --> 00:50:04,353
All right, here we go.
1262
00:50:04,355 --> 00:50:05,855
Come on, here we go.
1263
00:50:05,857 --> 00:50:07,391
Here we go.
1264
00:50:07,393 --> 00:50:10,060
This'll be fun,
fun night, huh?
1265
00:50:10,062 --> 00:50:11,896
Yeah.
1266
00:50:11,898 --> 00:50:13,865
KIM:
We're almost there.
1267
00:50:15,268 --> 00:50:16,902
Okay, you did it.
1268
00:50:16,904 --> 00:50:19,271
Yay, you!
1269
00:50:19,273 --> 00:50:22,842
All right,
let's just get this off.
1270
00:50:22,844 --> 00:50:24,711
Okay, there.
1271
00:50:24,713 --> 00:50:28,082
All right, can you just--
no, just help a little bit.
1272
00:50:28,084 --> 00:50:29,283
All right.
1273
00:50:29,285 --> 00:50:31,019
Okay.
1274
00:50:31,021 --> 00:50:35,692
Okay, oh, wow, okay,
that's convenient, huh?
1275
00:50:35,694 --> 00:50:38,194
Yeah. Lucky you.
1276
00:50:38,196 --> 00:50:40,297
All right.
Oh, okay, there you go.
1277
00:50:40,299 --> 00:50:41,298
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no.
1278
00:50:41,300 --> 00:50:42,433
I can do it,
I can do it.
1279
00:50:42,435 --> 00:50:45,170
I know,
you're high as a kite.
1280
00:50:45,172 --> 00:50:46,171
Come here.
1281
00:50:46,173 --> 00:50:47,205
I'm so tired.
1282
00:50:47,207 --> 00:50:48,908
I know you're tired.
1283
00:50:48,910 --> 00:50:50,309
Get in it.
1284
00:50:50,311 --> 00:50:52,045
All right.
1285
00:50:52,047 --> 00:50:53,313
There you go.
1286
00:50:55,884 --> 00:50:57,985
Hey, okay.
1287
00:50:57,987 --> 00:51:01,156
All right.
At that New Year's Eve party,
1288
00:51:01,158 --> 00:51:05,127
did you or did you not
sleep with John Brady?
1289
00:51:05,129 --> 00:51:06,996
Uh-huh? Yeah.
1290
00:51:06,998 --> 00:51:09,232
I knew it.
1291
00:51:09,234 --> 00:51:11,001
I got to call Marilyn.
1292
00:51:11,003 --> 00:51:12,169
I knew it.
1293
00:51:15,075 --> 00:51:18,777
KIM: Hey, Suzanna-ranna-danna-banana.
1294
00:51:18,779 --> 00:51:20,980
Time to get up, lipohead.
1295
00:51:20,982 --> 00:51:21,981
Come on.
1296
00:51:24,954 --> 00:51:26,954
Hey, Suze.
1297
00:51:26,956 --> 00:51:30,091
Did you forget you're speaking
on a panel today?
1298
00:51:31,161 --> 00:51:32,260
Morning.
1299
00:51:33,431 --> 00:51:34,830
Oh, God.
1300
00:51:34,832 --> 00:51:36,365
Honey, you got to get up here.
1301
00:51:36,367 --> 00:51:38,869
Okay, we got
a slight problem.
1302
00:51:38,871 --> 00:51:42,240
Just a slight problem,
but don't worry.
1303
00:51:42,242 --> 00:51:46,512
I called the doctor
and she said that it's
just an allergic reaction
1304
00:51:46,514 --> 00:51:48,981
to the lidocaine
in the saline solution.
1305
00:51:48,983 --> 00:51:50,950
And that you don't need to
worry about a thing
1306
00:51:50,952 --> 00:51:53,253
because it's gonna go down.
1307
00:51:53,255 --> 00:51:54,254
What's gonna go down?
1308
00:51:54,256 --> 00:51:55,990
It's gonna go down.
1309
00:51:57,426 --> 00:51:58,425
Oh, my God!
1310
00:51:58,427 --> 00:52:00,095
What happened?
1311
00:52:00,097 --> 00:52:05,134
Eventually, I mean, not today,
but it will go down.
1312
00:52:05,136 --> 00:52:06,285
It will.
( CRYING )
1313
00:52:06,286 --> 00:52:07,435
No, don't panic,
though, honey.
1314
00:52:07,438 --> 00:52:09,907
Don't panic.
Don't panic.
1315
00:52:09,909 --> 00:52:11,441
We can fix this.
1316
00:52:11,443 --> 00:52:12,442
Accessories.
1317
00:52:12,444 --> 00:52:13,845
What?
Yes.
1318
00:52:13,847 --> 00:52:16,347
No.
It's all about accessorizing.
1319
00:52:16,349 --> 00:52:17,348
Okay, here. Huh?
1320
00:52:17,350 --> 00:52:18,984
What? Hey.
1321
00:52:18,986 --> 00:52:20,853
Oh, is that the croc hunter?
1322
00:52:20,855 --> 00:52:23,256
No, okay, look.
1323
00:52:23,258 --> 00:52:25,158
Oh, my God.
There. Huh?
1324
00:52:25,160 --> 00:52:27,395
That's-it's stupid.
1325
00:52:27,397 --> 00:52:29,864
It draws the eyes upwards.
1326
00:52:29,866 --> 00:52:31,533
I got it. Here we go, here we go.
1327
00:52:31,535 --> 00:52:33,035
Look at this,
look at this, huh?
1328
00:52:33,037 --> 00:52:34,153
What? Huh?
1329
00:52:34,154 --> 00:52:35,270
I don't want to
( indistinct ).
1330
00:52:35,272 --> 00:52:36,973
No one's gonna say anything.
1331
00:52:36,975 --> 00:52:39,042
It's racist if they did.
1332
00:52:39,044 --> 00:52:40,578
Hello.
What's she do to me?
1333
00:52:40,580 --> 00:52:43,447
She said it was
only gonna be temporary.
1334
00:52:43,449 --> 00:52:45,083
No, it is temporary.
1335
00:52:45,085 --> 00:52:49,922
It's just-actually,
I just want you to shut up.
1336
00:52:49,924 --> 00:52:52,892
Oh, my God,
what happened to you?
1337
00:52:52,894 --> 00:52:55,262
Linda, we're having
a little nip tuck situation.
1338
00:52:55,264 --> 00:52:56,363
Didn't you get my message?
1339
00:52:56,365 --> 00:52:57,598
No, what?
Remember that guy,
1340
00:52:57,600 --> 00:52:59,567
that new professor
I was gonna set you up with?
1341
00:52:59,569 --> 00:53:00,969
Yeah.
He's here.
1342
00:53:00,971 --> 00:53:02,036
Oh, my God.
He's on the panel.
1343
00:53:02,038 --> 00:53:03,606
No, please don't say that.
1344
00:53:03,608 --> 00:53:05,574
Oh, no, no, no.
Just don't talk, don't talk.
1345
00:53:05,576 --> 00:53:08,011
It's a panel.
She has to talk.
1346
00:53:08,013 --> 00:53:09,479
Don't know why
it itches so much.
1347
00:53:09,481 --> 00:53:10,881
Okay, honey, okay.
Calm down.
1348
00:53:13,419 --> 00:53:14,886
MAN:
Ladies and gentlemen,
1349
00:53:14,888 --> 00:53:17,089
please welcome Dr. Cameron Scott.
1350
00:53:17,091 --> 00:53:19,157
Cameron Scott,
this is Suzanne.
1351
00:53:20,494 --> 00:53:21,895
Oh, my God.
1352
00:53:32,509 --> 00:53:34,142
CAMERON SCOTT:
Jane Austen,
1353
00:53:34,144 --> 00:53:38,447
arguably the most widely read
English novelist in history,
1354
00:53:38,449 --> 00:53:42,920
never actually put her name
on her work because--
1355
00:53:46,693 --> 00:53:50,095
writing novels was
considered vulgar as a woman.
1356
00:53:50,097 --> 00:53:53,400
Every single one of her books
was published as simply,
1357
00:53:53,402 --> 00:53:55,035
"By a lady."
1358
00:53:58,007 --> 00:54:01,208
Suzanne,
what are your thoughts?
1359
00:54:05,516 --> 00:54:07,150
( LAUGHING )
1360
00:54:07,152 --> 00:54:09,719
Women writers have been
completely ignored.
1361
00:54:09,721 --> 00:54:13,457
( LAUGHING )
1362
00:54:13,459 --> 00:54:15,560
Cut it out.
What?
1363
00:54:15,562 --> 00:54:17,662
I'm really not
trying to be funny.
1364
00:54:17,664 --> 00:54:20,099
I just--
1365
00:54:21,269 --> 00:54:25,005
Stop it.
Why is everybody laughing?
1366
00:54:27,309 --> 00:54:30,411
♪ I don't wanna be Someone else ♪
1367
00:54:30,413 --> 00:54:32,747
♪ I only wanna be myself ♪
1368
00:54:32,749 --> 00:54:34,350
♪ I feel alive ♪
1369
00:54:34,352 --> 00:54:35,584
♪ I feel alive ♪
1370
00:54:35,586 --> 00:54:37,319
SUZANNE:
The personal is political.
1371
00:54:37,321 --> 00:54:39,756
Can a feminist get plastic surgery?
1372
00:54:39,758 --> 00:54:44,061
To me, feminism means I'm in charge of all my own decisions about my own body,
1373
00:54:44,063 --> 00:54:45,730
even the stupid ones.
1374
00:54:45,732 --> 00:54:47,132
( LAUGHING )
1375
00:54:47,134 --> 00:54:51,336
This is two pounds
of my liposucted ass fat.
1376
00:54:51,338 --> 00:54:52,538
( GROANING )
1377
00:54:52,540 --> 00:54:53,740
I know, gross.
1378
00:54:53,742 --> 00:54:59,279
And I also had
a temporary lip pouf,
1379
00:55:00,282 --> 00:55:03,218
which, thank God,
has gone away.
1380
00:55:03,220 --> 00:55:05,788
I've spent my entire
academic career
1381
00:55:05,790 --> 00:55:07,356
studying pop culture
1382
00:55:07,358 --> 00:55:10,293
and, as of last week,
I became pop culture.
1383
00:55:10,295 --> 00:55:12,396
( LAUGHING )
1384
00:55:12,398 --> 00:55:13,397
( MUSIC PLAYING )
1385
00:55:13,399 --> 00:55:14,766
WOMAN:
Ooh.
1386
00:55:14,768 --> 00:55:16,300
SUZANNE: Internet video has made it possible
1387
00:55:16,302 --> 00:55:19,104
for anyone to be a celebrity overnight.
1388
00:55:19,106 --> 00:55:21,640
More people watched this adorable dancing Pomeranian
1389
00:55:21,642 --> 00:55:23,410
than watched the network news.
1390
00:55:23,412 --> 00:55:26,212
And more people saw me than the dog.
1391
00:55:27,817 --> 00:55:30,718
Which means
that my humiliation
1392
00:55:30,720 --> 00:55:33,355
was actually bigger news
than the news.
1393
00:55:33,357 --> 00:55:35,791
When you are going viral, you have no idea.
1394
00:55:35,793 --> 00:55:37,493
You're just living your life,
1395
00:55:37,495 --> 00:55:40,163
clueless that your worst nightmare has come true.
1396
00:55:40,165 --> 00:55:42,249
Millions of people are laughing at you
1397
00:55:42,250 --> 00:55:44,333
because somebody captured your most embarrassing moment
1398
00:55:44,336 --> 00:55:46,604
and is showing it to the whole world.
1399
00:55:54,683 --> 00:55:57,484
Your viral video
has five million views.
1400
00:55:57,486 --> 00:55:58,819
Awesome.
1401
00:55:58,821 --> 00:56:01,522
No, Andrea,
it is not awesome.
1402
00:56:01,524 --> 00:56:03,826
That isn't the definition
of "awesome."
1403
00:56:03,828 --> 00:56:06,161
The Grand Canyon
is awesome.
1404
00:56:06,163 --> 00:56:08,163
Go clean your room.
Go read a dictionary.
1405
00:56:08,165 --> 00:56:09,699
I hate you.
Good.
1406
00:56:09,701 --> 00:56:11,234
That's what I was going for.
1407
00:56:13,306 --> 00:56:16,774
You know, Suzanne,
I found this in your room and--
1408
00:56:16,776 --> 00:56:18,310
( GIGGLING )
I was just wondering,
1409
00:56:18,312 --> 00:56:20,145
is there something
you want to tell me?
1410
00:56:20,147 --> 00:56:22,148
You know what?
It's a weight loss device.
1411
00:56:22,150 --> 00:56:24,183
Oh, it is? Look at
how skinny I'm getting.
1412
00:56:24,185 --> 00:56:25,418
Oh, stop it.
Just stop it.
1413
00:56:25,420 --> 00:56:27,321
( PHONE RINGING )
I will. Fine.
1414
00:56:27,323 --> 00:56:28,288
Oh, hang on.
1415
00:56:29,391 --> 00:56:30,825
Oh, God.
1416
00:56:30,827 --> 00:56:33,428
It's Hayes, my attorney,
we're closing this thing.
1417
00:56:33,430 --> 00:56:35,464
Hi.
1418
00:56:35,466 --> 00:56:36,799
What?
1419
00:56:36,801 --> 00:56:38,901
Are you kidding me? Oh my--
1420
00:56:38,903 --> 00:56:39,903
What? What did he say?
1421
00:56:39,905 --> 00:56:41,371
What did he say?
1422
00:56:41,373 --> 00:56:43,573
After I gave on the 401(k)?
Are you kidding me?
1423
00:56:43,575 --> 00:56:44,675
What?
1424
00:56:44,677 --> 00:56:45,710
Look, listen,
I have an agent here.
1425
00:56:45,712 --> 00:56:47,278
Hang on one second.
1426
00:56:47,280 --> 00:56:50,616
Michael wants his fancy
blender back and,
1427
00:56:50,618 --> 00:56:53,352
if he doesn't get it back,
he's gonna go for dog custody.
1428
00:56:53,354 --> 00:56:55,855
He cannot have BooBoo.
We will fight this.
1429
00:56:55,857 --> 00:56:57,490
( WHIMPERING )
1430
00:56:57,492 --> 00:57:00,111
SUZANNE:
Okay.
1431
00:57:00,112 --> 00:57:02,731
He says that for sure,
he would get half-time custody.
1432
00:57:02,733 --> 00:57:05,634
You know what?
Hayes, fine, screw it.
1433
00:57:05,636 --> 00:57:09,205
Just close it.
Let him have it.
1434
00:57:09,207 --> 00:57:12,342
He's not getting my dog.
1435
00:57:12,344 --> 00:57:13,377
Thanks.
1436
00:57:14,246 --> 00:57:15,445
I can't believe it.
1437
00:57:15,447 --> 00:57:19,684
I will get
the blender to him.
1438
00:57:19,686 --> 00:57:21,620
I'll make sure he gets it.
1439
00:57:21,622 --> 00:57:24,690
( MUSIC PLAYING )
1440
00:57:27,529 --> 00:57:28,528
Hi.
1441
00:57:28,530 --> 00:57:30,298
Hi.
1442
00:57:30,300 --> 00:57:32,300
I knew you were
gonna cheat on me.
1443
00:57:32,302 --> 00:57:33,501
What?
1444
00:57:33,503 --> 00:57:35,554
Oh.
1445
00:57:35,555 --> 00:57:37,605
( LAUGHING )
Yeah, I did cheat on you.
1446
00:57:39,811 --> 00:57:41,744
Listen, I'm really sorry.
1447
00:57:41,746 --> 00:57:43,247
I get it.
I get it. I get it.
1448
00:57:43,249 --> 00:57:44,615
We're not gonna date.
1449
00:57:45,818 --> 00:57:48,620
But I wanted to say
I'm sorry, though,
1450
00:57:48,622 --> 00:57:49,888
for that scene
with my mom.
1451
00:57:49,890 --> 00:57:51,223
Oh, well--
1452
00:57:51,225 --> 00:57:53,559
You know,
she's very dramatic.
1453
00:57:53,561 --> 00:57:56,830
And she's an actress,
so what are you gonna do?
1454
00:57:59,568 --> 00:58:00,801
I really enjoyed it.
1455
00:58:02,505 --> 00:58:03,938
You.
1456
00:58:03,940 --> 00:58:05,373
Me too.
1457
00:58:05,375 --> 00:58:06,742
I thought so, you know,
1458
00:58:06,744 --> 00:58:09,345
based on your reaction
at the time.
1459
00:58:10,282 --> 00:58:12,015
Yeah.
( LAUGHING )
1460
00:58:12,017 --> 00:58:15,019
I don't see why
we can't be friends.
1461
00:58:15,021 --> 00:58:18,589
Plus, you must be jonesing
for a decent latté.
1462
00:58:18,591 --> 00:58:21,560
I mean, no other barista
can satisfy you the way I can.
1463
00:58:23,564 --> 00:58:24,931
That is true.
1464
00:58:24,933 --> 00:58:26,466
True.
Thank you very much.
1465
00:58:26,468 --> 00:58:28,602
And thank you.
1466
00:58:28,604 --> 00:58:30,738
Okay, look.
I don't care what it costs.
1467
00:58:30,740 --> 00:58:36,578
It has to be delivered upright
and only to Michael Nicholson.
1468
00:58:36,580 --> 00:58:40,816
It's a very special package
for a very special person.
1469
00:58:53,000 --> 00:58:55,402
Enjoy, you douche bag.
1470
00:58:56,605 --> 00:58:58,772
And Marcia Wallace
called again, like, five times.
1471
00:58:58,774 --> 00:58:59,773
Really?
Yeah.
1472
00:58:59,775 --> 00:59:01,309
I'm just gonna email her.
1473
00:59:01,311 --> 00:59:03,878
Okay, but you did get
a big bouquet of flowers
1474
00:59:03,880 --> 00:59:05,647
from the Cheswick Fair Magazine
1475
00:59:05,649 --> 00:59:07,049
saying congrats
on the viral video.
1476
00:59:07,051 --> 00:59:08,550
What's that about?
1477
00:59:08,552 --> 00:59:09,986
I don't know,
but they're gorgeous.
1478
00:59:09,988 --> 00:59:11,354
Wow.
1479
00:59:11,356 --> 00:59:12,488
Oh, also,
Michael called again.
1480
00:59:12,490 --> 00:59:13,857
He sounded really pissed.
1481
00:59:16,696 --> 00:59:18,396
Ohh! Jesus.
1482
00:59:18,398 --> 00:59:19,998
( PHONE RINGING )
1483
00:59:20,000 --> 00:59:21,700
( LAUGHING )
1484
00:59:21,702 --> 00:59:23,069
Hi.
1485
00:59:23,071 --> 00:59:26,405
You are sick, Suzanne.
You need professional help.
1486
00:59:26,407 --> 00:59:27,641
I'll have you know
1487
00:59:27,643 --> 00:59:29,009
I've taken out
a restraining order.
1488
00:59:29,011 --> 00:59:31,111
Really?
Against my fat?
1489
00:59:31,113 --> 00:59:32,814
You know what? Knock yourself out.
1490
00:59:34,884 --> 00:59:36,485
God.
1491
00:59:36,487 --> 00:59:37,753
Jeez.
1492
00:59:38,823 --> 00:59:40,556
Ah, I can smell it.
1493
00:59:40,558 --> 00:59:42,025
Aghh.
1494
00:59:42,027 --> 00:59:45,363
Elba, clean this shit up.
1495
00:59:48,601 --> 00:59:52,704
So did Michael get
his little gift package?
1496
00:59:52,706 --> 00:59:54,140
Yeah. Good one, Kim.
1497
00:59:54,142 --> 00:59:57,110
He's filing a restraining
order on me, okay?
1498
00:59:57,112 --> 01:00:00,848
And, uh-uh,
I have bigger problems
1499
01:00:00,850 --> 01:00:02,449
than you provoking my ex.
1500
01:00:02,451 --> 01:00:06,054
Marcia Wallace
is actually stalking me.
1501
01:00:06,056 --> 01:00:07,655
What?
1502
01:00:07,657 --> 01:00:08,674
I'm not kidding.
1503
01:00:08,675 --> 01:00:09,691
I have to go.
I have to go.
1504
01:00:09,694 --> 01:00:10,659
Bye. Bye.
1505
01:00:18,171 --> 01:00:21,640
( STEALTHY MUSIC )
1506
01:00:28,016 --> 01:00:30,016
Oh.
Suzanne.
1507
01:00:30,018 --> 01:00:31,152
Hi.
It's Cameron.
1508
01:00:31,154 --> 01:00:32,686
Cameron Scott.
Yeah.
1509
01:00:32,688 --> 01:00:35,157
I almost
didn't recognize you.
1510
01:00:35,159 --> 01:00:37,025
Without my crazy clown lips?
1511
01:00:37,027 --> 01:00:38,026
( LAUGHING )
1512
01:00:38,028 --> 01:00:40,596
I do like these better.
1513
01:00:40,598 --> 01:00:42,165
I just wanted to say
I'm sorry--
1514
01:00:42,167 --> 01:00:43,733
I'm really sorry and I--
1515
01:00:43,735 --> 01:00:45,469
( BOTH LAUGH )
1516
01:00:45,471 --> 01:00:49,007
Sorry.
I guess that's taken care of.
1517
01:00:49,009 --> 01:00:50,842
Listen...
1518
01:00:50,844 --> 01:00:55,548
I was wondering if you'd
like to have dinner with me.
1519
01:00:55,550 --> 01:00:59,019
Uh, insert lame excuse here.
1520
01:00:59,021 --> 01:01:00,187
Sorry?
1521
01:01:00,189 --> 01:01:02,723
Men always make
some lame excuse
1522
01:01:02,725 --> 01:01:05,493
for why they're asking
a pretty woman out to dinner.
1523
01:01:05,495 --> 01:01:08,931
Like, seeing that it's
a solar eclipse or something.
1524
01:01:08,933 --> 01:01:10,165
( GIGGLING )
1525
01:01:10,167 --> 01:01:12,168
So I thought
I'd maximize my chances
1526
01:01:12,170 --> 01:01:14,671
and let you pick
the lame excuse.
1527
01:01:14,673 --> 01:01:17,074
But pick something persuasive.
1528
01:01:17,076 --> 01:01:18,976
I'd love to
spend time with you.
1529
01:01:20,981 --> 01:01:22,247
Yes.
I-yeah, I'd love to.
1530
01:01:22,249 --> 01:01:23,615
Really?
Yeah.
1531
01:01:23,617 --> 01:01:24,617
Great.
1532
01:01:25,787 --> 01:01:26,919
When are you free?
1533
01:01:28,089 --> 01:01:29,623
Are you parked
under this building?
1534
01:01:29,625 --> 01:01:30,724
Yes.
1535
01:01:30,725 --> 01:01:31,824
Okay, this is gonna sound
really weird.
1536
01:01:31,827 --> 01:01:34,662
But I'm being stalked
by a sitcom star
1537
01:01:34,664 --> 01:01:36,931
and I could really
use a ride.
1538
01:01:36,933 --> 01:01:38,701
I hate when that happens.
1539
01:01:38,703 --> 01:01:40,202
( LAUGHING )
1540
01:01:40,204 --> 01:01:41,837
Sure, let's go.
1541
01:01:41,839 --> 01:01:44,574
I don't know where
but let's go.
1542
01:01:44,576 --> 01:01:45,775
Yeah.
1543
01:01:45,777 --> 01:01:48,779
( MUSIC PLAYING )
1544
01:01:49,983 --> 01:01:51,717
CAMERON:
Wow.
1545
01:01:51,719 --> 01:01:55,254
You'll do a lot to get away
from a beloved TV icon
1546
01:01:55,256 --> 01:01:58,124
whose kids you've shagged.
1547
01:01:58,126 --> 01:02:01,729
He's not a kid.
He's-he's 22.
1548
01:02:01,731 --> 01:02:04,865
Oh, God,
why did I tell you that?
1549
01:02:04,867 --> 01:02:06,635
I'm glad you did.
1550
01:02:06,637 --> 01:02:10,039
I'm going to get
a lot of mileage out of that.
1551
01:02:10,041 --> 01:02:12,608
Really?
Is that what you think?
1552
01:02:12,610 --> 01:02:13,843
It's what I hope.
1553
01:02:19,019 --> 01:02:21,853
What I'm wondering is,
1554
01:02:21,855 --> 01:02:26,025
if I'm the rebound guy
from the rebound guy,
1555
01:02:26,027 --> 01:02:27,894
what are my chances?
1556
01:02:28,897 --> 01:02:30,263
How scary is your mom?
1557
01:02:30,265 --> 01:02:32,198
She's five feet.
1558
01:02:32,200 --> 01:02:33,200
You can take her.
1559
01:02:33,202 --> 01:02:36,037
( LAUGHING )
1560
01:02:36,039 --> 01:02:37,739
Then we're good.
1561
01:02:37,741 --> 01:02:39,041
I just had a great idea.
1562
01:02:39,043 --> 01:02:40,142
What?
1563
01:02:40,144 --> 01:02:42,078
How do you feel
about weddings?
1564
01:02:42,080 --> 01:02:43,646
Oh, God.
1565
01:02:43,648 --> 01:02:47,051
Kind of like how boat people
feel about boats.
1566
01:02:48,621 --> 01:02:50,689
It's just that tomorrow
I'm supposed to go to
1567
01:02:50,691 --> 01:02:54,326
my ex-wife's new husband's
pregnant daughter's wedding.
1568
01:02:54,328 --> 01:02:55,628
Jeez.
And I was wondering
1569
01:02:55,630 --> 01:02:57,063
if you'd want to be my date.
1570
01:02:57,065 --> 01:03:00,167
Mmm, no.
1571
01:03:00,169 --> 01:03:02,669
You can meet
my whole crew,
1572
01:03:02,671 --> 01:03:07,809
including my snarly
body-sprayed teenage son, Ian.
1573
01:03:07,811 --> 01:03:09,612
That sounds deeply
unappealing.
1574
01:03:09,614 --> 01:03:11,814
I just really don't think
I want to go.
1575
01:03:15,654 --> 01:03:19,624
My divorce is
ridiculously friendly.
1576
01:03:19,626 --> 01:03:25,364
And my ex-wife's new husband
worries that I'm lonely.
1577
01:03:25,366 --> 01:03:27,867
Oh, my God.
1578
01:03:27,869 --> 01:03:32,139
Well, I guess you think
that just because I'm naked
1579
01:03:32,141 --> 01:03:34,041
I'm the kind of girl
you can take to a wedding
1580
01:03:34,043 --> 01:03:36,811
on a second date.
1581
01:03:36,813 --> 01:03:38,013
But the thing is,
I don't even have anything
1582
01:03:38,015 --> 01:03:39,881
to wear at a wedding.
1583
01:03:39,883 --> 01:03:41,784
The bride
is eight months gone.
1584
01:03:41,786 --> 01:03:44,988
Trust me,
it's not that formal.
1585
01:03:44,990 --> 01:03:45,989
Okay.
1586
01:03:46,992 --> 01:03:49,160
Fine, I'll go.
1587
01:03:49,162 --> 01:03:49,394
I'll go.
Thank you.
1588
01:03:54,735 --> 01:03:57,069
SUZANNE: Hey, Kim, I won't be home again tonight.
1589
01:03:57,071 --> 01:03:58,805
I'm going to a wedding.
1590
01:03:58,807 --> 01:04:00,440
I know, I said I hate weddings
1591
01:04:00,442 --> 01:04:03,411
but maybe they're better with a better guy.
1592
01:04:03,413 --> 01:04:05,346
He's so nice.
1593
01:04:05,348 --> 01:04:08,817
( MUSIC PLAYING )
1594
01:04:14,292 --> 01:04:16,293
( SQUEALING )
1595
01:04:16,295 --> 01:04:19,830
( MUSIC CONTINUING )
1596
01:04:29,878 --> 01:04:33,980
It's just great how you all
are so friendly with each other.
1597
01:04:33,982 --> 01:04:36,951
Cameron moved to Boston
when I had some business there.
1598
01:04:36,953 --> 01:04:39,221
Trevor's a big success
in the profit business.
1599
01:04:39,223 --> 01:04:44,327
And so Ruth and I came here
when he got his professorship.
1600
01:04:44,329 --> 01:04:47,430
It's better for Ian, you know, if we're all together.
1601
01:04:47,432 --> 01:04:49,500
Oh.
IAN: Yeah.
1602
01:04:49,502 --> 01:04:51,869
This wedding is so gay.
1603
01:04:52,840 --> 01:04:54,106
CAMERON:
In this instance,
1604
01:04:54,108 --> 01:04:56,208
gay means lame.
1605
01:04:56,210 --> 01:05:00,079
Dad, no one says lame.
1606
01:05:00,081 --> 01:05:02,750
Lame is gay.
1607
01:05:02,752 --> 01:05:05,085
RUTH: So sorry, he's being dreadful.
1608
01:05:07,057 --> 01:05:08,957
CAMERON: I have to keep reminding myself
1609
01:05:08,959 --> 01:05:12,394
my sweet boy's
in there somewhere.
1610
01:05:12,396 --> 01:05:15,132
You're an actually nice man,
aren't you?
1611
01:05:15,134 --> 01:05:16,500
I think so.
1612
01:05:16,502 --> 01:05:17,868
Is that unattractive?
1613
01:05:17,870 --> 01:05:18,502
No.
1614
01:05:18,504 --> 01:05:20,171
( LAUGHING )
1615
01:05:20,173 --> 01:05:23,541
What we have to do now is
to find someone for Cameron,
1616
01:05:23,543 --> 01:05:25,277
you know, so that he doesn't feel
1617
01:05:25,279 --> 01:05:28,280
like such a third wheelwhen we go on holiday together.
1618
01:05:28,282 --> 01:05:32,452
( LAUGHING ) You all go
on holiday together, I see.
1619
01:05:32,454 --> 01:05:33,921
Trevor has a private jet.
1620
01:05:33,923 --> 01:05:36,090
No, no, I just lease one.
1621
01:05:36,092 --> 01:05:38,360
Does the trick.
1622
01:05:38,362 --> 01:05:39,561
Wouldn't it be wonderful,
darling,
1623
01:05:39,563 --> 01:05:42,265
if these two, you know,
made a go of it?
1624
01:05:42,267 --> 01:05:44,133
( LAUGHING )
1625
01:05:44,135 --> 01:05:45,234
Yes.
1626
01:05:45,236 --> 01:05:47,538
How long's it been, Cameron?
1627
01:05:47,540 --> 01:05:49,439
Forty-four hours
and nine minutes.
1628
01:05:49,441 --> 01:05:50,841
( LAUGHING )
1629
01:05:50,843 --> 01:05:52,043
Right, right.
1630
01:05:52,045 --> 01:05:54,445
Well, probably
a bit early to say yet
1631
01:05:54,447 --> 01:05:57,283
but here's to the success.
1632
01:05:57,285 --> 01:05:59,251
Here's to success.
Thank you.
1633
01:05:59,253 --> 01:06:00,253
No pressure.
1634
01:06:00,255 --> 01:06:01,421
( LAUGHING )
Yeah.
1635
01:06:01,423 --> 01:06:02,889
It's really just
almost scary
1636
01:06:02,891 --> 01:06:04,191
how nice you people are
to each other.
1637
01:06:04,193 --> 01:06:06,127
Well, the fact
that there's been a divorce
1638
01:06:06,129 --> 01:06:10,265
doesn't mean to say there's
got to be any unpleasantness.
1639
01:06:10,267 --> 01:06:11,233
Really?
1640
01:06:12,303 --> 01:06:14,938
That was not my experience.
1641
01:06:30,358 --> 01:06:32,593
Suzanne, I knew
I'd find you here.
1642
01:06:32,595 --> 01:06:34,394
Yeah, every afternoon.
1643
01:06:34,396 --> 01:06:36,063
Yeah, it's kind of
our secret spot.
1644
01:06:36,065 --> 01:06:39,100
So don't tell anybody
I told you
1645
01:06:39,102 --> 01:06:41,904
but we had your initial
tenure hearing
1646
01:06:41,906 --> 01:06:44,073
and Deborah wants you out.
1647
01:06:44,075 --> 01:06:45,140
What?
1648
01:06:45,142 --> 01:06:46,343
ELISE:
This can't be happening.
1649
01:06:46,345 --> 01:06:47,611
Are you serious?
You're not--
1650
01:06:47,613 --> 01:06:49,279
Yeah, I'm serious
as a vampire bite,
1651
01:06:49,281 --> 01:06:51,249
you are
O-U-T.
1652
01:06:51,251 --> 01:06:53,117
She's my mentor.
This can't be happening.
1653
01:06:53,119 --> 01:06:55,921
She's really pissed
that you got a lipo
1654
01:06:55,923 --> 01:06:57,589
and did a lecture on it.
1655
01:06:57,591 --> 01:06:59,926
What about my, you know,
the personal is political?
1656
01:06:59,928 --> 01:07:01,127
That's how I teach.
That's what she teaches.
1657
01:07:01,129 --> 01:07:03,129
She says you're not
a real feminist.
1658
01:07:03,131 --> 01:07:05,533
Oh.
What?
1659
01:07:05,534 --> 01:07:07,936
Yeah, we vote on Friday.
She is gunning for you.
1660
01:07:07,938 --> 01:07:09,371
This is just like
when we were in high school
1661
01:07:09,373 --> 01:07:11,539
and all the popular kids
went on the big senior trip
1662
01:07:11,541 --> 01:07:12,942
but we stayed home
because we didn't go
1663
01:07:12,944 --> 01:07:14,944
and then we looked
at the yearbook
1664
01:07:14,945 --> 01:07:16,946
and we were, like, "Oh, my God,
that looked like so much fun,
1665
01:07:16,949 --> 01:07:18,148
I wish we would have gone."
1666
01:07:18,150 --> 01:07:19,650
But then the popular kids
were like,
1667
01:07:19,652 --> 01:07:21,452
"You should have gone.
I mean, it was so much fun."
1668
01:07:21,454 --> 01:07:23,655
But if we'd gone,
we would have just gotten hives
1669
01:07:23,657 --> 01:07:25,523
and would have gone
to the hospital.
1670
01:07:25,525 --> 01:07:29,061
Don't you see,
that's what this is?
1671
01:07:29,063 --> 01:07:31,598
No, it's about the lipo.
1672
01:07:31,600 --> 01:07:33,033
You know what she says
1673
01:07:33,035 --> 01:07:35,403
about the surgical
mutilation of women.
1674
01:07:35,405 --> 01:07:38,005
Look, I got
a breast reduction.
1675
01:07:38,007 --> 01:07:39,574
What?
'Cause they were too big.
1676
01:07:39,576 --> 01:07:44,012
I had to.
I stuff my bra for work.
1677
01:07:44,014 --> 01:07:45,315
No one knows.
1678
01:07:45,317 --> 01:07:46,549
I wouldn't have known.
1679
01:07:46,551 --> 01:07:47,951
You stuff your bra for work?
1680
01:07:47,953 --> 01:07:50,020
Okay, stop looking at 'em.
1681
01:07:50,022 --> 01:07:52,222
Yes, ma'am.
And keep it to yourself.
1682
01:07:54,461 --> 01:07:55,527
We'll say nothing.
1683
01:07:55,529 --> 01:07:57,195
Thank you.
1684
01:07:57,197 --> 01:07:58,197
Sorry, girl.
1685
01:07:59,200 --> 01:08:00,199
Thank you.
1686
01:08:01,302 --> 01:08:03,103
They look so real.
1687
01:08:03,105 --> 01:08:04,538
I never knew.
I never knew.
1688
01:08:04,540 --> 01:08:06,340
She's enormous breasts, still.
1689
01:08:06,342 --> 01:08:07,542
It's crazy.
1690
01:08:07,544 --> 01:08:09,444
RECORDER VOICE:
Call incoming.
1691
01:08:09,446 --> 01:08:10,979
Unknown caller.
1692
01:08:11,615 --> 01:08:12,748
Hello?
1693
01:08:12,750 --> 01:08:14,450
Hi, I'm calling
for Peter Durton.
1694
01:08:14,452 --> 01:08:15,719
Did you get the flowers?
1695
01:08:15,721 --> 01:08:17,120
( LAUGHING )
Why, yes.
1696
01:08:17,122 --> 01:08:18,388
But I have no idea why.
1697
01:08:18,390 --> 01:08:19,622
They're from Peter.
1698
01:08:19,624 --> 01:08:22,059
He's in town for the Oscars
1699
01:08:22,061 --> 01:08:25,063
and he would like to
set up a drinks with you
1700
01:08:25,065 --> 01:08:26,698
at his private screening room
1701
01:08:26,700 --> 01:08:29,402
to discuss a book deal
through his publishing arm.
1702
01:08:29,404 --> 01:08:31,371
I'm sorry,
do I know you?
1703
01:08:31,373 --> 01:08:34,208
( LAUGHING )
Not me.
1704
01:08:34,210 --> 01:08:37,544
Peter Durton, the editor
of Cheswick Fair Magazine.
1705
01:08:37,546 --> 01:08:38,747
He also does books.
1706
01:08:38,749 --> 01:08:40,715
He rents a private
screening room
1707
01:08:40,717 --> 01:08:42,584
to watch the nominated films.
1708
01:08:42,586 --> 01:08:44,053
He has a suite
at the Peninsula
1709
01:08:44,055 --> 01:08:45,721
but it always gets him
depressed.
1710
01:08:45,723 --> 01:08:49,192
So and he can't possibly
watch the movies
1711
01:08:49,194 --> 01:08:52,497
on a regular television,
oh, that's a nightmare.
1712
01:08:52,499 --> 01:08:54,298
Anyway, can you do
Tuesday at 4?
1713
01:08:54,300 --> 01:08:56,735
I'm sorry,
how does he even know me?
1714
01:08:56,737 --> 01:08:59,571
From the Internet,
obviously.
1715
01:08:59,573 --> 01:09:00,773
Congrats on that,
by the way.
1716
01:09:00,775 --> 01:09:02,642
Hence the flowers.
1717
01:09:02,644 --> 01:09:03,743
Ah.
1718
01:09:03,745 --> 01:09:05,311
Tuesday at 4.
We'll see you.
1719
01:09:07,550 --> 01:09:10,519
I'm so glad you came by.
Can you stay for dinner?
1720
01:09:10,521 --> 01:09:15,825
Maybe.
Yeah.
1721
01:09:15,827 --> 01:09:17,527
What a day.
1722
01:09:17,529 --> 01:09:19,696
She was my mentor,
you know?
1723
01:09:19,698 --> 01:09:21,432
I was counting on this.
1724
01:09:23,202 --> 01:09:27,172
Well, you've got alimony,
I'm guessing.
1725
01:09:27,174 --> 01:09:29,175
No.
1726
01:09:29,177 --> 01:09:31,577
We had a prenup
and I didn't fight it
1727
01:09:31,579 --> 01:09:34,214
'cause I didn't really
want to get paid by somebody
1728
01:09:34,216 --> 01:09:36,416
to not have sex with them,
you know?
1729
01:09:36,418 --> 01:09:38,853
That's ethical.
1730
01:09:38,854 --> 01:09:41,288
I admire that but clearly
you need more wine.
1731
01:09:41,291 --> 01:09:43,225
Clearly.
1732
01:09:43,227 --> 01:09:45,561
I dunno, maybe
this Peter Durton thing
1733
01:09:45,563 --> 01:09:47,130
will turn out to be
something.
1734
01:09:47,833 --> 01:09:50,601
You're going?
1735
01:09:50,603 --> 01:09:52,503
Yeah.
1736
01:09:52,505 --> 01:09:53,571
You're not upset,
are you?
1737
01:09:53,573 --> 01:09:55,107
Date anyone you like.
1738
01:09:55,109 --> 01:09:56,341
It's not a date, okay?
1739
01:09:56,343 --> 01:09:58,577
His assistant said
it's drinks.
1740
01:09:58,579 --> 01:10:00,780
In his private
screening room
1741
01:10:00,782 --> 01:10:03,850
because he's bored
of his luxury hotel suite.
1742
01:10:03,852 --> 01:10:05,719
It sounds like a date.
1743
01:10:05,721 --> 01:10:07,154
Lunch is a meeting.
1744
01:10:07,156 --> 01:10:10,592
Drinks in a screening room
is a date.
1745
01:10:10,594 --> 01:10:14,130
Please tell me that
you are trying to be funny.
1746
01:10:14,132 --> 01:10:17,199
No, I'm dead serious.
1747
01:10:17,201 --> 01:10:21,138
But then again, I'm just
the rebound from the rebound.
1748
01:10:21,140 --> 01:10:23,474
There's a whole world
out there.
1749
01:10:23,476 --> 01:10:27,479
I just-- I thought
you were the nice guy.
1750
01:10:31,853 --> 01:10:33,620
Is it not Monday?
1751
01:10:33,622 --> 01:10:35,321
No, it is.
1752
01:10:35,323 --> 01:10:38,659
Good to see you, buddy.
You remember Suzanne.
1753
01:10:38,661 --> 01:10:39,727
Hi.
1754
01:10:39,729 --> 01:10:43,165
Oh, yeah, sure.
Hi, I guess.
1755
01:10:43,167 --> 01:10:44,499
Is she staying
for dinner?
1756
01:10:44,501 --> 01:10:46,836
No. No, I can't.
1757
01:10:46,838 --> 01:10:49,873
Thanks.
I have to go actually.
1758
01:10:49,875 --> 01:10:51,542
Thank you, though.
1759
01:10:51,544 --> 01:10:53,644
We can talk later, right?
1760
01:10:53,646 --> 01:10:55,413
Yeah, I'll give
you a call.
1761
01:10:55,415 --> 01:10:57,916
Bye, Ian.
1762
01:10:57,918 --> 01:10:59,385
Later.
1763
01:11:02,657 --> 01:11:04,958
( DOOR CLOSING )
1764
01:11:04,960 --> 01:11:07,662
That looked gay.
1765
01:11:07,664 --> 01:11:09,730
What happened?
1766
01:11:09,732 --> 01:11:11,532
She has a date
with a billionaire
1767
01:11:11,534 --> 01:11:13,602
who has a screening room.
1768
01:11:13,604 --> 01:11:14,870
That sucks.
1769
01:11:14,872 --> 01:11:17,574
Yeah. That it does.
1770
01:11:17,576 --> 01:11:21,212
I can't believe Deborah
wants to give you the ax
because you had lipo
1771
01:11:21,214 --> 01:11:24,348
when it's so obvious
that she's had Botox
1772
01:11:24,350 --> 01:11:25,417
and her hair colored.
1773
01:11:25,419 --> 01:11:27,485
Really?
How do you know that?
1774
01:11:27,487 --> 01:11:29,754
The same way I know
you had Botox.
1775
01:11:30,758 --> 01:11:32,291
God, like,
how do you even--
1776
01:11:32,293 --> 01:11:33,726
I am like CSI of beauty.
1777
01:11:33,728 --> 01:11:34,728
I know everything.
1778
01:11:34,730 --> 01:11:36,296
Mm.
1779
01:11:36,298 --> 01:11:38,665
Is there a night
where Deborah doesn't book
1780
01:11:38,667 --> 01:11:39,934
any events at school?
1781
01:11:39,936 --> 01:11:40,935
Yeah, tonight.
1782
01:11:40,937 --> 01:11:41,936
That's her "me" time.
1783
01:11:41,938 --> 01:11:43,438
Oh, I bet.
1784
01:11:43,440 --> 01:11:45,374
Well, we're going
on a beauty stakeout
1785
01:11:45,376 --> 01:11:49,479
'cause she's a goddamn
hypocritical skank in call "O."
1786
01:11:49,481 --> 01:11:51,681
I've no idea
what you're talking about.
1787
01:11:51,683 --> 01:11:53,417
Just trust me.
1788
01:11:53,419 --> 01:11:55,820
We're gonna blackmail her bony ass.
1789
01:11:55,822 --> 01:11:57,856
( STEALTHY MUSIC )
1790
01:12:07,003 --> 01:12:08,569
( DOOR OPENING )
1791
01:12:13,877 --> 01:12:15,678
Get her.
Film it.
1792
01:12:19,617 --> 01:12:23,453
( WHISPERING ) My God.
That's Dr. Delaney.
1793
01:12:23,455 --> 01:12:25,323
She's the one
that did my lipo.
1794
01:12:25,325 --> 01:12:27,492
( WHISPERING ) Yeah. She's the
best in ( indistinct ) Botox.
1795
01:12:27,494 --> 01:12:28,961
Ha, ha, ha.
1796
01:12:28,963 --> 01:12:30,296
All right,
let's go look.
1797
01:12:30,298 --> 01:12:31,297
Yeah, let's go.
I'll film it.
1798
01:12:31,299 --> 01:12:32,464
Okay, you film it.
1799
01:12:48,320 --> 01:12:50,687
What is it?
1800
01:12:50,689 --> 01:12:52,790
Botox. God.
1801
01:12:52,792 --> 01:12:55,794
Aging gratefully, my ass.
1802
01:12:55,796 --> 01:12:57,562
She's such
a hypocrite.
1803
01:12:57,564 --> 01:12:58,530
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
1804
01:12:58,532 --> 01:12:59,964
You know,
I can't wait to see
1805
01:12:59,966 --> 01:13:01,834
the look
on her Botoxed face.
1806
01:13:01,836 --> 01:13:03,836
We are gonna nail her.
1807
01:13:03,838 --> 01:13:05,005
We already did.
1808
01:13:05,007 --> 01:13:06,373
You're a genius.
1809
01:13:06,375 --> 01:13:08,575
The March issue
closes today.
1810
01:13:08,577 --> 01:13:11,746
You need to understand
Peter's time is very valuable.
1811
01:13:12,816 --> 01:13:15,084
Oh, don't call him Peter.
1812
01:13:15,086 --> 01:13:16,485
What do I call him?
1813
01:13:16,487 --> 01:13:18,972
Nothing.
1814
01:13:18,973 --> 01:13:21,457
If he asks you to say
something to him, say it.
1815
01:13:21,460 --> 01:13:22,625
Otherwise, no name.
1816
01:13:22,627 --> 01:13:23,527
Okay, no names.
1817
01:13:23,529 --> 01:13:24,762
And don't look
at the house.
1818
01:13:24,764 --> 01:13:27,432
It belongs to someone
ridiculously famous.
1819
01:13:27,434 --> 01:13:30,836
Do not look at the house.
1820
01:13:30,838 --> 01:13:33,673
You can see but don't look.
1821
01:13:33,675 --> 01:13:36,376
And if he offers you
something to eat, eat it,
1822
01:13:36,378 --> 01:13:37,578
even if you're
allergic or whatever.
1823
01:13:37,580 --> 01:13:39,513
We'll get you
medical attention.
1824
01:13:39,515 --> 01:13:42,117
He's very proud
of his food.
1825
01:13:42,119 --> 01:13:44,152
Watch your step.
Don't look.
1826
01:13:44,154 --> 01:13:46,055
Okay, I'm not looking.
1827
01:13:46,057 --> 01:13:47,123
Jeez.
1828
01:13:47,125 --> 01:13:49,392
( GROWLING )
1829
01:13:55,568 --> 01:14:00,005
I'm Peter.
You can call me Peter.
1830
01:14:00,007 --> 01:14:00,973
We need champagne.
1831
01:14:03,912 --> 01:14:05,145
You like Dom?
1832
01:14:05,147 --> 01:14:07,080
You know, actually,
I never had it.
1833
01:14:07,082 --> 01:14:09,150
This is the good Dom.
1834
01:14:09,152 --> 01:14:11,719
There's bad Dom?
1835
01:14:11,721 --> 01:14:13,455
There's regular Dom
which is good.
1836
01:14:13,457 --> 01:14:15,824
Uh-huh.
Then there's the good Dom.
1837
01:14:15,826 --> 01:14:17,627
Thank you.
1838
01:14:17,629 --> 01:14:21,899
( INHALING )
1839
01:14:21,901 --> 01:14:25,035
Oh, my God.
Oh, that's nuts.
1840
01:14:25,037 --> 01:14:26,838
That's, like, amazing.
1841
01:14:26,840 --> 01:14:29,140
Told you so.
Yeah.
1842
01:14:29,142 --> 01:14:33,879
So, I want you,
to write a book for me.
1843
01:14:33,881 --> 01:14:34,914
Oh.
1844
01:14:34,916 --> 01:14:36,583
Angelique, cheese.
1845
01:14:40,223 --> 01:14:41,756
( INHALING )
1846
01:14:41,758 --> 01:14:43,057
Mmm.
1847
01:14:43,059 --> 01:14:44,158
You'll do good media.
1848
01:14:44,160 --> 01:14:45,761
I'm into thin slicing.
1849
01:14:45,763 --> 01:14:47,729
I don't know
what that is actually.
1850
01:14:49,701 --> 01:14:51,534
It's snap judgments
based on my instincts.
1851
01:14:51,536 --> 01:14:53,103
Oh.
1852
01:14:53,104 --> 01:14:54,672
I didn't even need to see
your whole viral video.
1853
01:14:54,674 --> 01:14:55,706
I get you.
1854
01:14:55,708 --> 01:14:57,441
He gets you.
1855
01:14:57,442 --> 01:14:59,176
He gets you without listening to you.
1856
01:14:59,179 --> 01:15:00,779
That's why he's so genius.
1857
01:15:00,781 --> 01:15:03,549
His genius is that
he doesn't listen?
1858
01:15:03,551 --> 01:15:06,719
He hears
without listening.
1859
01:15:10,893 --> 01:15:17,032
Anyway, the book
is called "F the F-Word."
1860
01:15:17,034 --> 01:15:19,101
Discreet against feminists.
1861
01:15:19,103 --> 01:15:20,704
With you naked
on the cover.
1862
01:15:20,706 --> 01:15:22,105
Oh!
1863
01:15:22,107 --> 01:15:23,974
Not nips and pubes
naked, obviously.
1864
01:15:23,976 --> 01:15:25,943
Nobody wants to
see you naked.
1865
01:15:27,981 --> 01:15:29,548
Feminists suck.
Totally agree.
1866
01:15:29,550 --> 01:15:30,849
Me too.
( LAUGHING )
1867
01:15:30,851 --> 01:15:33,585
You know, I have to say,
I don't totally agree
1868
01:15:33,587 --> 01:15:35,088
because I wouldn't actually
call myself a feminist.
1869
01:15:35,090 --> 01:15:36,523
And that's kind of
important to me.
1870
01:15:36,525 --> 01:15:38,157
Right, right, right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1871
01:15:38,159 --> 01:15:41,996
Really, for me,
it's about the cover
1872
01:15:41,998 --> 01:15:43,865
and the media message.
1873
01:15:43,867 --> 01:15:46,268
You should really have
some of this cheese.
1874
01:15:46,270 --> 01:15:48,170
Comes from cows
that have had better lives
1875
01:15:48,172 --> 01:15:49,171
than most people.
1876
01:15:49,173 --> 01:15:50,172
I, uh, you know, I will--
1877
01:15:50,174 --> 01:15:51,173
Eat it.
1878
01:15:51,175 --> 01:15:52,743
I will try it.
1879
01:15:52,745 --> 01:15:55,145
I just, you know, I will
take this offer very seriously.
1880
01:15:55,147 --> 01:15:57,148
It's very tempting.
I--
1881
01:15:57,150 --> 01:16:01,253
Mmm, mmm.
1882
01:16:01,255 --> 01:16:02,621
Oh, my God.
1883
01:16:02,623 --> 01:16:04,156
That's what
I'm talking about.
1884
01:16:04,158 --> 01:16:06,626
That's cheese?
That's, like, amazing.
1885
01:16:06,628 --> 01:16:09,029
That's--
Don't say yes or no.
1886
01:16:09,031 --> 01:16:12,333
First of all, we're talking
significant six figures.
1887
01:16:12,335 --> 01:16:13,568
Second of all--
1888
01:16:13,570 --> 01:16:15,070
Mm-hm?
Just think about it.
1889
01:16:15,072 --> 01:16:19,142
BTW, I want you to be
my plus-one at the Oscars
1890
01:16:19,144 --> 01:16:21,144
and the magazine's party after.
1891
01:16:21,146 --> 01:16:22,779
( STAMMERING )
1892
01:16:22,781 --> 01:16:25,783
We'll give you clothes,
you know, hair/make-up team.
1893
01:16:25,785 --> 01:16:27,284
Yeah, we'll make you
look great.
1894
01:16:27,286 --> 01:16:29,321
Well, better, anyway.
1895
01:16:29,323 --> 01:16:30,789
Sorry, are you--
1896
01:16:30,791 --> 01:16:32,925
I mean, are you talking
about the Oscar Oscars?
1897
01:16:32,927 --> 01:16:36,062
'Cause that's crazy.
I'm not that kind of person.
1898
01:16:36,064 --> 01:16:37,164
Great.
She'll do it.
1899
01:16:37,166 --> 01:16:38,699
Perfect.
1900
01:16:43,373 --> 01:16:45,740
I've got to scoot.
I've got another drinks.
1901
01:16:49,947 --> 01:16:53,049
This, will be great.
1902
01:16:58,124 --> 01:16:59,758
DEBORAH:
This is pathetic.
1903
01:16:59,760 --> 01:17:01,693
You guys aren't cops.
1904
01:17:01,695 --> 01:17:05,098
You can't blackmail me
with DNA evidence of Botox.
1905
01:17:05,100 --> 01:17:09,103
My doctor isn't gonna violate
doctor/patient confidentiality
1906
01:17:09,105 --> 01:17:12,373
so this is just really stupid.
1907
01:17:12,375 --> 01:17:13,875
And the very fact
you even tried it
1908
01:17:13,877 --> 01:17:15,644
tells me
that my instincts about you
1909
01:17:15,646 --> 01:17:18,247
were right on, Suzanne.
1910
01:17:18,249 --> 01:17:19,415
You are so out.
1911
01:17:19,417 --> 01:17:21,017
CHRISTINA:
But unfortunately,
1912
01:17:21,019 --> 01:17:24,855
there's no hairdresser/client
confidentiality.
1913
01:17:24,857 --> 01:17:25,922
Oh, right.
1914
01:17:25,924 --> 01:17:26,790
Your hairdresser,
1915
01:17:26,792 --> 01:17:29,127
Rafael, she knows him.
1916
01:17:29,129 --> 01:17:30,395
And you go on TV,
1917
01:17:30,397 --> 01:17:32,398
bragging how you don't dye your hair
1918
01:17:32,400 --> 01:17:36,036
when Rafael says you do
tops and tails,
1919
01:17:36,038 --> 01:17:38,271
but you're a lousy tipper,
1920
01:17:38,273 --> 01:17:40,140
which is a big mistake
for somebody
1921
01:17:40,142 --> 01:17:43,411
who expects confidentiality
from her pube dyer.
1922
01:17:43,413 --> 01:17:44,445
We're gonna make
1923
01:17:44,447 --> 01:17:45,914
a video with Rafael
1924
01:17:45,916 --> 01:17:47,416
and we're gonna
link it to Suzie's
1925
01:17:47,418 --> 01:17:49,284
fat lip video,
1926
01:17:49,286 --> 01:17:50,720
and everybody's gonna see,
1927
01:17:50,722 --> 01:17:53,056
just what a hypocrite you are.
1928
01:17:53,058 --> 01:17:55,926
And we're gonna
Auto-tune your pubes,
1929
01:17:55,928 --> 01:17:58,162
which is not good
for book deals
1930
01:17:58,164 --> 01:17:59,964
or "Today Show"
appearances.
1931
01:17:59,966 --> 01:18:02,300
Think about it.
1932
01:18:02,302 --> 01:18:04,437
You should think about it.
1933
01:18:04,439 --> 01:18:07,373
You nailed it.
You were amazing.
1934
01:18:07,375 --> 01:18:08,742
Well, I can't imagine her
fighting you now.
1935
01:18:08,744 --> 01:18:09,810
( PHONE RINGING IN BACKGROUND )
1936
01:18:09,812 --> 01:18:11,778
God, I hate hypocrites.
1937
01:18:11,780 --> 01:18:13,848
I thought we were just
gonna bust her on the Botox,
1938
01:18:13,850 --> 01:18:15,917
then you whip out
Auto-tuning her pubes.
1939
01:18:15,919 --> 01:18:16,785
( LAUGHING )
1940
01:18:16,787 --> 01:18:19,188
My God, that was perfect.
1941
01:18:19,190 --> 01:18:22,792
Honestly, I can't even
believe you would stay here.
1942
01:18:22,794 --> 01:18:24,360
I mean, that woman
represents
1943
01:18:24,362 --> 01:18:26,430
everything that's wrong
with the movement.
1944
01:18:26,432 --> 01:18:27,732
I know. I agree.
1945
01:18:27,734 --> 01:18:28,933
( PHONE RINGING )
1946
01:18:28,935 --> 01:18:30,936
Oh, hang on.
1947
01:18:30,938 --> 01:18:32,437
It's Cameron.
He keeps calling me,
1948
01:18:32,439 --> 01:18:33,839
and I don't want
to talk to him.
1949
01:18:33,841 --> 01:18:35,374
( PHONE RINGING )
He was just awful,
1950
01:18:35,376 --> 01:18:37,443
about that whole
Peter Durton thing.
1951
01:18:37,445 --> 01:18:39,011
I think you should
answer the phone.
1952
01:18:39,013 --> 01:18:40,347
( PHONE RINGING )
1953
01:18:40,349 --> 01:18:41,915
You know, I know
it's none of my business
1954
01:18:41,917 --> 01:18:43,818
but I feel like
I got to tell you something.
1955
01:18:43,820 --> 01:18:47,489
Peter Durton is a dick.
1956
01:18:47,491 --> 01:18:51,093
I slept with him
as a girl, years ago.
1957
01:18:51,095 --> 01:18:52,495
Wow.
1958
01:18:52,497 --> 01:18:54,097
Then you tell me about
this nice guy Cameron
1959
01:18:54,099 --> 01:18:56,967
who's all freaked out
about this rich guy
1960
01:18:56,969 --> 01:18:58,836
and, I mean,
what the hell.
1961
01:18:58,838 --> 01:19:00,471
Why is he freaked out
about it anyway?
1962
01:19:00,473 --> 01:19:02,841
Wait a sec, why am I freaking
about it?
1963
01:19:02,843 --> 01:19:04,777
Maybe I'm just jealous.
1964
01:19:04,779 --> 01:19:07,447
You know, it takes
a very unusual sort of man
1965
01:19:07,449 --> 01:19:11,118
to even want to consider
being with me.
1966
01:19:11,120 --> 01:19:12,953
I just, you know,
1967
01:19:12,955 --> 01:19:15,323
I would take a nice, normal,
1968
01:19:15,325 --> 01:19:19,094
slightly insecure guy
any day.
1969
01:19:19,096 --> 01:19:21,364
RECORDER VOICE:
Call incoming.
1970
01:19:21,366 --> 01:19:22,465
You answered.
1971
01:19:22,467 --> 01:19:23,966
Hi.
1972
01:19:23,968 --> 01:19:25,335
Hi.
1973
01:19:25,337 --> 01:19:26,804
Have you ever
seen the film,
1974
01:19:26,806 --> 01:19:29,207
"Harvey"
with Jimmy Stewart?
1975
01:19:31,011 --> 01:19:34,480
It's where Jimmy Stewart
honestly believes
1976
01:19:34,482 --> 01:19:36,482
he's got a friend,
1977
01:19:36,484 --> 01:19:39,419
who's a giant invisible talking rabbit.
1978
01:19:39,421 --> 01:19:40,954
Yeah, I know the movie.
1979
01:19:40,956 --> 01:19:43,391
It's just my ex, Ruth,
1980
01:19:43,393 --> 01:19:46,027
she left me.
1981
01:19:46,029 --> 01:19:47,896
Trevor's a great guy and all
1982
01:19:47,898 --> 01:19:49,898
but they knew each other before
1983
01:19:49,900 --> 01:19:53,303
and I guess
I'm a little wrapped tight
1984
01:19:53,305 --> 01:19:57,107
when it comes to women
I care about and billionaires.
1985
01:19:57,109 --> 01:19:58,342
I'm sorry.
1986
01:19:58,343 --> 01:19:59,576
I don't know what that has to do
1987
01:19:59,579 --> 01:20:03,014
with a giant talking rabbit, though.
1988
01:20:03,016 --> 01:20:04,616
Because I was
having a conversation
1989
01:20:04,618 --> 01:20:07,587
with someone who wasn't there:
Ruth.
1990
01:20:07,589 --> 01:20:10,490
Because she left me
for a rich guy.
1991
01:20:10,492 --> 01:20:12,492
I get it.
1992
01:20:12,494 --> 01:20:15,029
I'm sorry.
1993
01:20:15,031 --> 01:20:20,603
I probably came off
as crazy and jealous.
1994
01:20:20,605 --> 01:20:22,338
I'm sorry.
1995
01:20:22,340 --> 01:20:23,607
I was wondering,
1996
01:20:23,609 --> 01:20:26,109
if maybe, you wanted
to come over Sunday
1997
01:20:26,111 --> 01:20:29,013
and we could watch
the Oscars together.
1998
01:20:29,015 --> 01:20:34,186
I'm actually
going to the Oscars
1999
01:20:34,188 --> 01:20:35,954
with that Peter guy.
2000
01:20:38,093 --> 01:20:42,096
Wow, he's taking you
to the Oscars.
2001
01:20:42,098 --> 01:20:43,998
He gave me
that book deal.
2002
01:20:44,000 --> 01:20:47,469
That's great.
I'm happy for you.
2003
01:20:47,471 --> 01:20:49,337
Maybe we could--
2004
01:20:49,339 --> 01:20:52,208
Sure, just give me a call.
2005
01:20:52,210 --> 01:20:53,309
I'll call you.
2006
01:20:53,311 --> 01:20:54,510
I should let you go.
2007
01:20:59,252 --> 01:21:00,668
All right.
2008
01:21:00,669 --> 01:21:02,085
All right,
good luck with all that.
2009
01:21:02,088 --> 01:21:03,989
All of it.
2010
01:21:07,662 --> 01:21:11,298
♪ I will hold you When you cry ♪
2011
01:21:11,300 --> 01:21:15,403
♪ Lay beside you In the night ♪
2012
01:21:15,405 --> 01:21:17,940
♪ I am your best friend ♪
2013
01:21:17,942 --> 01:21:20,275
♪ For life ♪
2014
01:21:20,277 --> 01:21:25,281
RECORDED VOICE:
Message from Marcia Wallace.
2015
01:21:25,283 --> 01:21:27,418
Hi, doll. You never returned my call.
2016
01:21:27,420 --> 01:21:28,953
I over-reacted.
2017
01:21:28,955 --> 01:21:30,421
I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
2018
01:21:30,423 --> 01:21:32,257
It's just that sometimes
2019
01:21:32,259 --> 01:21:35,160
it's hard to take the bear out of the momma bear.
2020
01:21:35,162 --> 01:21:37,029
I was wrong. I'm sorry.
2021
01:21:43,739 --> 01:21:45,707
Look, I hate to harsh
your whole princess trip here
2022
01:21:45,709 --> 01:21:47,308
but I just read through
the book contract
2023
01:21:47,310 --> 01:21:49,211
from Peter Durton.
2024
01:21:49,213 --> 01:21:52,014
And, as your literary agent,
I have to tell you,
2025
01:21:52,016 --> 01:21:55,352
which I hate to tell you
because it is so much money
2026
01:21:55,354 --> 01:21:58,622
and I love money,
but it is the worst deal ever.
2027
01:21:58,624 --> 01:21:59,623
What? Why?
2028
01:21:59,625 --> 01:22:01,125
What's wrong with it?
2029
01:22:01,127 --> 01:22:03,395
It's indentured servitude
with better outfits.
2030
01:22:03,397 --> 01:22:06,465
I mean, seriously,
you have no creative rights.
2031
01:22:06,467 --> 01:22:08,167
He basically owns you.
2032
01:22:08,169 --> 01:22:10,003
He tells you
exactly what to write.
2033
01:22:10,005 --> 01:22:11,572
I mean, granted,
for a lot of money
2034
01:22:11,574 --> 01:22:14,208
and, seriously,
better outfits.
2035
01:22:14,210 --> 01:22:15,442
They literally
have the right to dress you.
2036
01:22:15,444 --> 01:22:16,611
What?
2037
01:22:16,613 --> 01:22:18,346
It's like
you're Author Barbie.
2038
01:22:18,348 --> 01:22:20,515
All right, well, you know,
we'll just negotiate with him.
2039
01:22:20,517 --> 01:22:22,785
I doubt it.
2040
01:22:22,787 --> 01:22:25,021
Look, you feel free
2041
01:22:25,023 --> 01:22:26,757
to stay here
as long as you want
2042
01:22:26,759 --> 01:22:29,660
and to write a book
that is actually good,
2043
01:22:29,662 --> 01:22:31,662
which I believe
that I can sell.
2044
01:22:31,664 --> 01:22:33,164
All right?
2045
01:22:33,166 --> 01:22:35,367
You know, granted
there's no guarantees but--
2046
01:22:35,369 --> 01:22:38,738
I can't keep
living here for free.
2047
01:22:38,740 --> 01:22:40,106
You keep doing
my grocery shopping
2048
01:22:40,108 --> 01:22:43,277
and you can stay here
forever.
2049
01:22:43,279 --> 01:22:44,779
And you have to play
Candy Land
2050
01:22:44,781 --> 01:22:47,048
with Sophie
any time she asks.
2051
01:22:47,050 --> 01:22:48,050
I love playing Candy Land.
2052
01:22:48,052 --> 01:22:49,284
I'm good at it.
2053
01:22:49,286 --> 01:22:51,186
Okay, well, seriously,
there's no strategy.
2054
01:22:51,188 --> 01:22:52,355
You just pick and what you get
is what you get.
2055
01:22:52,357 --> 01:22:53,589
I mean--
No.
2056
01:22:53,591 --> 01:22:54,690
When I play it,
there's strategy.
2057
01:22:54,692 --> 01:22:56,125
Oh, really?
You know how to, like--
2058
01:22:56,127 --> 01:22:57,294
I'm not telling you.
Okay, fine.
2059
01:22:57,296 --> 01:22:59,196
All right.
2060
01:22:59,197 --> 01:23:01,097
REPORTER: Welcome, everybody, to the Oscars Red Carpet or,
2061
01:23:01,100 --> 01:23:02,968
as I know it, the Prom of the World,
2062
01:23:02,969 --> 01:23:04,836
where I get to feel like a buck-toothed wallflower
2063
01:23:04,838 --> 01:23:06,272
without a date.
2064
01:23:11,747 --> 01:23:13,346
You look fabulous.
2065
01:23:13,348 --> 01:23:16,184
Those hair and make-up people
are miracle workers.
2066
01:23:16,186 --> 01:23:18,003
Right.
2067
01:23:18,004 --> 01:23:19,822
BTW, Peter wanted me
to show you this.
2068
01:23:19,824 --> 01:23:21,156
You're gonna love it.
2069
01:23:21,158 --> 01:23:24,127
You are our new star author.
2070
01:23:24,129 --> 01:23:25,495
Congratulations.
2071
01:23:26,865 --> 01:23:29,100
Okay, but this is not me.
2072
01:23:29,102 --> 01:23:31,135
But it will be.
2073
01:23:31,137 --> 01:23:32,503
You should be proud.
2074
01:23:32,505 --> 01:23:36,174
Peter normally only spends
$10,000 on retouching
2075
01:23:36,176 --> 01:23:38,744
but he wanted
to fix everything
2076
01:23:38,746 --> 01:23:40,213
that was wrong with you,
2077
01:23:40,215 --> 01:23:44,118
so he put $15,000
towards it.
2078
01:23:44,120 --> 01:23:45,519
I--
You look great.
2079
01:23:48,859 --> 01:23:50,291
I should be proud--
2080
01:23:50,293 --> 01:23:52,912
Mm-hm.
2081
01:23:52,913 --> 01:23:55,532
That it cost $15,000
to make me presentable--
2082
01:23:55,534 --> 01:23:57,334
Yeah.
As an author.
2083
01:23:57,336 --> 01:24:01,806
It's a compliment,
obviously.
2084
01:24:01,808 --> 01:24:03,274
Obviously.
2085
01:24:17,527 --> 01:24:20,262
♪ I am beautiful ♪
2086
01:24:20,264 --> 01:24:23,332
♪ I don't wanna be Someone else ♪
2087
01:24:23,334 --> 01:24:26,335
♪ I only wanna be myself ♪
2088
01:24:26,337 --> 01:24:29,039
Hi.
2089
01:24:29,040 --> 01:24:31,742
Hello, could you just make a right at the next light?
2090
01:24:31,745 --> 01:24:32,844
What are you doing?
2091
01:24:32,846 --> 01:24:34,946
I just need a latté.
2092
01:24:34,948 --> 01:24:36,715
We don't have time.
2093
01:24:37,919 --> 01:24:40,419
Hi, new star author.
2094
01:24:40,421 --> 01:24:41,454
I say we do.
2095
01:24:44,493 --> 01:24:46,294
I am out of here.
2096
01:24:46,296 --> 01:24:48,963
Wait.
Where are you going?
2097
01:24:48,965 --> 01:24:51,767
You have to bring back
the dress and those shoes.
2098
01:24:51,769 --> 01:24:53,602
Have fun at the Oscar.
2099
01:24:53,604 --> 01:24:55,738
Should bring 'em back
dry cleaned as well.
2100
01:24:58,543 --> 01:25:01,679
♪ I don't wanna be Someone else ♪
2101
01:25:01,681 --> 01:25:04,849
♪ I only wanna be myself ♪
2102
01:25:04,851 --> 01:25:06,551
♪ I feel alive ♪
2103
01:25:06,553 --> 01:25:08,654
♪ I feel alive ♪
2104
01:25:08,656 --> 01:25:11,857
♪ And I am beautiful ♪
2105
01:25:11,859 --> 01:25:13,227
JAROD:
Hey.
2106
01:25:16,332 --> 01:25:17,432
Wow.
2107
01:25:17,434 --> 01:25:19,567
You look fancy.
2108
01:25:19,569 --> 01:25:21,002
Thanks.
2109
01:25:21,004 --> 01:25:23,539
Can I show you one thing?
2110
01:25:23,541 --> 01:25:24,940
Yeah.
2111
01:25:24,942 --> 01:25:26,610
It's kind of funny.
2112
01:25:26,612 --> 01:25:30,781
Michael bought this same exact
coffee maker for our house
2113
01:25:30,783 --> 01:25:32,717
and I wanted
to be a good wife,
2114
01:25:32,719 --> 01:25:35,354
so I learned
how to use it.
2115
01:25:37,324 --> 01:25:38,790
Michael, being Michael,
2116
01:25:38,792 --> 01:25:40,793
he prefers
having coffee out
2117
01:25:40,795 --> 01:25:43,329
so, I've noticed lately
2118
01:25:43,331 --> 01:25:46,267
that you're kind of
short-handed around here
2119
01:25:46,269 --> 01:25:50,372
so I was wondering
if you would consider hiring me.
2120
01:25:50,374 --> 01:25:52,407
This is a good latté.
What do you think?
2121
01:25:53,678 --> 01:25:55,011
Yeah, sure.
2122
01:25:55,013 --> 01:25:56,012
Yes?
Yeah, sure.
2123
01:25:56,014 --> 01:25:57,280
Oh, my God.
Thank you so much.
2124
01:25:57,282 --> 01:25:58,315
I will take the job,
2125
01:25:58,317 --> 01:26:00,617
because, I need a day job
2126
01:26:00,619 --> 01:26:03,454
because I'm gonna try
to write a book.
2127
01:26:04,591 --> 01:26:07,926
That's awesome.
I'm so proud of you.
2128
01:26:07,928 --> 01:26:10,396
Thanks, boss.
2129
01:26:11,366 --> 01:26:13,633
So we'll talk
about this tomorrow.
2130
01:26:13,635 --> 01:26:14,834
I have to go.
2131
01:26:14,836 --> 01:26:15,836
It's a very long story.
2132
01:26:15,838 --> 01:26:17,371
Thank you.
Sure.
2133
01:26:17,373 --> 01:26:20,842
Thank you so much. You're the greatest.
2134
01:26:20,844 --> 01:26:22,477
Bye.
See you.
2135
01:26:22,479 --> 01:26:24,781
I'm glad we're finally getting the extra help
2136
01:26:24,783 --> 01:26:27,583
but you don't pay me enough
to dress like that.
2137
01:26:27,585 --> 01:26:30,020
REPORTER: We've got tons of impossibly good-looking people
2138
01:26:30,022 --> 01:26:32,389
walking the judgiest red carpet in the world.
2139
01:26:32,391 --> 01:26:33,925
The excitement is palpable here.
2140
01:26:33,927 --> 01:26:35,660
We've got limo gridlock.
2141
01:26:35,662 --> 01:26:36,728
We've got--
2142
01:26:45,674 --> 01:26:46,907
If your cellulite isn't packed into
2143
01:26:46,909 --> 01:26:49,411
at least three layers of Spanx,
2144
01:26:49,412 --> 01:26:51,914
a billion people will see all the junk in your trunk.
2145
01:26:53,818 --> 01:26:55,718
( DOORBELL RINGING )
2146
01:27:06,700 --> 01:27:09,501
The Oscars are gay.
Going to Mom's.
2147
01:27:17,613 --> 01:27:19,047
He likes you.
2148
01:27:19,049 --> 01:27:20,682
What?
2149
01:27:20,684 --> 01:27:22,851
He's trying to be
a good wingman.
2150
01:27:22,853 --> 01:27:25,788
He loves the Oscars.
2151
01:27:25,790 --> 01:27:27,490
Is he homophobic?
2152
01:27:27,492 --> 01:27:29,793
Oh, no.
His best friend's gay.
2153
01:27:32,064 --> 01:27:34,165
Sometimes I think,
2154
01:27:34,167 --> 01:27:35,867
the only reason
to have kids
2155
01:27:35,869 --> 01:27:39,838
is to feel stupid
all the time.
2156
01:27:39,840 --> 01:27:43,143
You look gorgeous.
2157
01:27:43,145 --> 01:27:45,478
It takes a village,
apparently.
2158
01:27:45,480 --> 01:27:48,649
( MUSIC PLAYING )
2159
01:27:53,824 --> 01:27:57,193
Oh, that was so nice.
2160
01:27:57,195 --> 01:28:00,030
I'm a nice guy.
2161
01:28:00,032 --> 01:28:02,199
Yeah, I figured that out.
2162
01:28:02,201 --> 01:28:05,103
I don't know what to do
with a nice guy.
2163
01:28:05,105 --> 01:28:07,639
Would you like some pizza?
2164
01:28:07,641 --> 01:28:11,677
He took the meat lovers,
but I have some cheese.
2165
01:28:11,679 --> 01:28:13,980
You know, I would actually
kill for pizza.
2166
01:28:13,982 --> 01:28:16,216
ON TV: George, how are you? How excited are you?
2167
01:28:16,218 --> 01:28:17,785
Yeah, I'm excited.
2168
01:28:17,787 --> 01:28:21,756
( MUSIC PLAYING )
2169
01:28:25,896 --> 01:28:27,797
Here you go.
2170
01:28:27,799 --> 01:28:30,934
Thank you.
2171
01:28:30,936 --> 01:28:32,570
Thanks.
2172
01:28:32,572 --> 01:28:38,677
♪ Now that we are Both sharing ♪
2173
01:28:38,679 --> 01:28:46,620
♪ The moment We fell in love ♪
2174
01:28:46,622 --> 01:28:48,055
♪ The moment We fell in love ♪
2175
01:28:48,057 --> 01:28:49,757
Earlier this semester,
2176
01:28:49,759 --> 01:28:53,796
before my bad lip job went viral,
2177
01:28:53,798 --> 01:28:58,235
I asked you guys who do you
think is a feminist icon.
2178
01:28:58,237 --> 01:29:03,841
And I've been
thinking about it,
2179
01:29:03,843 --> 01:29:08,213
and I think that here
in Deborah's department,
2180
01:29:08,215 --> 01:29:10,399
no one is.
2181
01:29:10,400 --> 01:29:12,585
I can't be honest with my students about anything,
2182
01:29:12,587 --> 01:29:14,587
not even my own fat.
2183
01:29:14,589 --> 01:29:17,191
So,
2184
01:29:17,193 --> 01:29:19,894
I have actually
resigned my position.
2185
01:29:19,896 --> 01:29:21,897
What?
Yeah.
2186
01:29:21,899 --> 01:29:22,931
I know.
2187
01:29:24,134 --> 01:29:26,102
I'm gonna write a book,
2188
01:29:26,104 --> 01:29:27,737
which I'm really
excited about
2189
01:29:27,739 --> 01:29:29,840
but I'm also really terrified.
2190
01:29:31,877 --> 01:29:33,544
But the biggest thing is
that I'm just really
2191
01:29:33,546 --> 01:29:35,880
gonna miss all of you.
2192
01:29:35,882 --> 01:29:40,953
And so I decided to make
presents for you guys.
2193
01:29:40,955 --> 01:29:42,922
I hope you like them.
2194
01:29:42,924 --> 01:29:44,991
This shirt fits everybody.
2195
01:29:44,993 --> 01:29:48,629
It fits anybody that actually
really cares about equality,
2196
01:29:48,631 --> 01:29:50,565
regardless of gender.
2197
01:29:50,567 --> 01:29:53,835
Because to me, that's what
a feminist looks like.
2198
01:29:53,837 --> 01:29:57,040
And I just really
want to thank you
2199
01:29:57,042 --> 01:29:59,075
for letting me be
your teacher.
2200
01:29:59,077 --> 01:30:00,109
I've loved it.
2201
01:30:00,111 --> 01:30:03,347
( APPLAUDING )
2202
01:30:03,349 --> 01:30:04,848
Who wants a shirt?
Who wants a shirt?
2203
01:30:04,850 --> 01:30:06,117
Yeah.
I do.
2204
01:30:07,821 --> 01:30:10,656
What? Don't look at me like that.
2205
01:30:10,658 --> 01:30:11,891
I'm gonna miss you
so much.
2206
01:30:11,893 --> 01:30:15,362
Oh, honey, oh, I know.
We're real friends.
2207
01:30:15,364 --> 01:30:16,997
I'm gonna see you
all the time.
2208
01:30:16,999 --> 01:30:18,065
Oh, don't.
2209
01:30:18,067 --> 01:30:20,168
Oh, honey,
it's gonna be fine.
2210
01:30:20,170 --> 01:30:24,373
( LAUGHING )
2211
01:30:24,375 --> 01:30:27,743
( MUSIC PLAYING )
2212
01:30:32,184 --> 01:30:33,818
Cheese!
2213
01:30:33,820 --> 01:30:36,687
♪ I don't wanna be Someone else ♪
2214
01:30:36,689 --> 01:30:39,391
♪ I only wanna be myself ♪
2215
01:30:39,393 --> 01:30:41,093
♪ I feel alive ♪
2216
01:30:41,095 --> 01:30:42,395
♪ I feel alive ♪
2217
01:30:42,397 --> 01:30:44,831
♪ And I am beautiful ♪
2218
01:30:44,833 --> 01:30:47,801
♪ I don't wanna be Someone else ♪
2219
01:30:47,803 --> 01:30:50,938
♪ I'm happy when I'm just myself ♪
2220
01:30:50,940 --> 01:30:52,207
♪ I feel alive ♪
2221
01:30:52,209 --> 01:30:53,708
♪ I feel alive ♪
2222
01:30:53,710 --> 01:30:55,978
♪ And I am beautiful ♪
2223
01:31:24,748 --> 01:31:27,283
When I met Suzanne,
2224
01:31:27,285 --> 01:31:28,751
I thought one thing.
2225
01:31:28,753 --> 01:31:30,687
I thought,
"There's a woman."
2226
01:31:30,689 --> 01:31:32,790
And the second thing
I thought was,
2227
01:31:32,792 --> 01:31:34,825
and I don't
like to use this word
2228
01:31:34,827 --> 01:31:36,461
but in my profession
I have to,
2229
01:31:36,463 --> 01:31:38,730
"There's a fat woman."
2230
01:31:38,732 --> 01:31:41,100
And when she, God help me,
2231
01:31:41,102 --> 01:31:42,301
I hate to use this word too,
2232
01:31:42,303 --> 01:31:45,739
when she waddled
into my room and she,
2233
01:31:45,741 --> 01:31:47,441
and I hate to use this word,
2234
01:31:47,443 --> 01:31:50,244
"sat her fatness down,"
2235
01:31:50,246 --> 01:31:51,813
I tried to look her
in the eye.
2236
01:31:51,815 --> 01:31:53,181
But all I could do
was look her in the fat
2237
01:31:53,183 --> 01:31:54,315
and I thought,
2238
01:31:54,317 --> 01:31:55,751
"If I don't help
this woman now,
2239
01:31:55,753 --> 01:31:58,787
she'll be dead
within a week."
2240
01:31:58,789 --> 01:32:01,458
♪ I don't wanna be Someone else ♪
2241
01:32:01,460 --> 01:32:04,328
♪ I only wanna be myself ♪
2242
01:32:04,330 --> 01:32:05,796
♪ I feel alive ♪
2243
01:32:05,798 --> 01:32:07,331
♪ I feel alive ♪
2244
01:32:07,333 --> 01:32:09,935
♪ And I am beautiful ♪
2245
01:32:09,937 --> 01:32:12,872
♪ I don't wanna be Someone else ♪
2246
01:32:12,874 --> 01:32:15,775
♪ I'm happy when I'm Just myself ♪
2247
01:32:15,777 --> 01:32:17,111
♪ I feel alive ♪
2248
01:32:17,113 --> 01:32:18,445
♪ I feel alive ♪
2249
01:32:18,447 --> 01:32:21,348
♪ And I am beautiful ♪
2250
01:32:26,824 --> 01:32:30,092
♪ Make me an offer That I can't refuse ♪
2251
01:32:30,094 --> 01:32:33,196
♪ Make me a promise That I can turn to ♪
2252
01:32:33,198 --> 01:32:39,270
♪ In times of need ♪
2253
01:32:39,272 --> 01:32:42,441
♪ So when I turn left ♪
2254
01:32:42,443 --> 01:32:46,780
♪ It's only me and you ♪
2255
01:32:46,782 --> 01:32:50,117
♪ And it doesn't bother me ♪
2256
01:32:50,119 --> 01:32:54,990
♪ To be so true ♪
2257
01:32:59,297 --> 01:33:06,036
♪ I don't know why He does these things ♪
2258
01:33:06,038 --> 01:33:13,312
♪ I don't know why You go with him ♪
2259
01:33:13,314 --> 01:33:20,120
♪ All the time ♪
2260
01:33:20,122 --> 01:33:24,425
♪ All the time ♪
2261
01:33:48,057 --> 01:33:54,562
♪ The earth continued turning ♪
2262
01:33:54,564 --> 01:34:01,004
♪ There was no lightning From above ♪
2263
01:34:01,006 --> 01:34:06,978
♪ It was my hands That were shaking ♪
2264
01:34:06,980 --> 01:34:17,624
♪ The moment we fell in love ♪
2265
01:34:17,626 --> 01:34:24,232
♪ It was my knees That were trembling ♪
2266
01:34:24,234 --> 01:34:31,073
♪ And my nerves That came undone ♪
2267
01:34:31,075 --> 01:34:36,981
♪ It was my heart Pounding like thunder ♪
2268
01:34:36,983 --> 01:34:44,990
♪ The moment We fell in love ♪
2269
01:34:44,992 --> 01:34:48,128
♪ And I hope you realize ♪
2270
01:34:48,130 --> 01:34:51,632
♪ What you see Inside my eyes ♪
2271
01:34:51,634 --> 01:34:58,140
♪ Is a love That never dies ♪
2272
01:34:58,142 --> 01:35:01,277
♪ I will hold you When you cry ♪
2273
01:35:01,279 --> 01:35:04,982
♪ Lay beside you In the night ♪
2274
01:35:04,984 --> 01:35:11,356
♪ I am your best Friend for life ♪
2275
01:35:31,249 --> 01:35:38,055
♪ I've been trying To put it into words ♪
2276
01:35:38,057 --> 01:35:44,229
♪ But the words Don't seem enough ♪
2277
01:35:44,231 --> 01:35:46,666
♪ Perhaps when we stand here ♪
2278
01:35:46,668 --> 01:35:49,370
♪ And say "I do" ♪
2279
01:35:49,372 --> 01:35:57,645
♪ It's another moment We'll fall in love ♪
2280
01:35:57,647 --> 01:36:00,149
♪ Perhaps when we stand here ♪
2281
01:36:00,151 --> 01:36:03,020
♪ And say "I do" ♪
2282
01:36:03,022 --> 01:36:10,094
♪ It's another moment We'll fall in love ♪
153011
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
