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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,308 --> 00:00:10,178 OH, MY GOD! 2 00:00:10,211 --> 00:00:11,846 LAST NIGHT'S GAME WAS BRUTAL! 3 00:00:11,880 --> 00:00:13,114 OH, WHAT HAPPENED? 4 00:00:13,147 --> 00:00:16,250 "WHITE QUEEN'S BISHOP 3 TAKES BLACK ROOK'S PAWN 4 IN 12 MOVES! 5 00:00:16,284 --> 00:00:18,753 AAH! IN YOUR FACE, ANDREI PERSHNEKOV! 6 00:00:18,787 --> 00:00:20,054 OH! OH! 7 00:00:20,088 --> 00:00:20,855 ALL RIGHT, FELLAS, SET UP IN HERE. 8 00:00:20,889 --> 00:00:22,290 MOVE ALL THIS FURNITURE OUT. 9 00:00:22,323 --> 00:00:23,858 HI, DONNY! 10 00:00:23,892 --> 00:00:24,859 YOU WANT AN OMELETTE? 11 00:00:24,893 --> 00:00:27,729 I CAN'T, SALLY. I'M HERE ON OFFICIAL BUSINESS. 12 00:00:27,762 --> 00:00:30,264 AND, YES, I WOULD LIKE THAT OMELETTE. 13 00:00:30,298 --> 00:00:32,233 WHAT KIND OF OFFICIAL BUSINESS? 14 00:00:32,266 --> 00:00:33,768 MUSHROOM AND CHEESE. 15 00:00:33,802 --> 00:00:36,705 OH! AND WE SUSPECT THAT YOUR NEIGHBOR 16 00:00:36,738 --> 00:00:39,608 ACROSS THE STREET IS A VIDEO PIRATE. 17 00:00:39,641 --> 00:00:43,678 OHH, YOU MEAN THE GUY WITH THE PEG LEG AND THE EYE PATCH? 18 00:00:43,712 --> 00:00:45,847 NO, THE GUY RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO HIM. 19 00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:47,882 I'M TALKING ABOUT THE KIND OF SCUM 20 00:00:47,916 --> 00:00:49,117 THAT PUTS NEW MOVIES ON TAPE 21 00:00:49,150 --> 00:00:52,587 AND THEN RESELLS THEM ILLEGALLY FOR A PROFIT. 22 00:00:52,621 --> 00:00:55,089 DON, WHEN YOU NAB THIS CRIMINAL, 23 00:00:55,123 --> 00:00:56,925 AS I KNOW YOU WILL, 24 00:00:56,958 --> 00:00:58,993 CAN YOU GET US A COPY OF PRINCE'S MUCH-MALIGNED 25 00:00:59,027 --> 00:01:00,561 AND MISUNDERSTOOD FILM CLASSIC 26 00:01:00,595 --> 00:01:02,330 UNDER A CHERRY MOON? 27 00:01:02,363 --> 00:01:04,298 DICK, YOU CAN GET THAT AT ANY VIDEO STORE. 28 00:01:04,332 --> 00:01:06,000 YOU'D THINK SO, WOULDN'T YOU? 29 00:01:06,034 --> 00:01:07,869 Both: BUT NO. 30 00:01:07,902 --> 00:01:08,703 JIMMY! 31 00:01:08,737 --> 00:01:10,071 GET THOSE 22 POWER BINOCULARS. 32 00:01:10,104 --> 00:01:11,305 PUT THEM ON THE TRIPOD. 33 00:01:11,339 --> 00:01:13,574 BOB, GET THE NIGHT GOGGLES FOR BACKUP. 34 00:01:13,608 --> 00:01:15,109 AND, PHIL! 35 00:01:15,143 --> 00:01:19,280 SURPRISE ME. 36 00:01:19,313 --> 00:01:23,451 MAN, I LOVE IT WHEN YOU ORDER PEOPLE AROUND. 37 00:01:23,484 --> 00:01:25,654 ORDER ME AROUND. 38 00:01:25,687 --> 00:01:27,455 WELL, THERE'S REALLY NOTHING LEFT TO DO. 39 00:01:27,488 --> 00:01:29,490 I WAS SORT OF RUNNING OUT OF GAS WITH PHIL. 40 00:01:29,523 --> 00:01:30,925 ORDER 41 00:01:30,959 --> 00:01:32,360 ME 42 00:01:32,393 --> 00:01:34,729 AROUND. 43 00:01:34,763 --> 00:01:36,297 WELL, I, UH... 44 00:01:36,330 --> 00:01:39,167 I GUESS YOU COULD MAKE ME THAT OMELETTE. 45 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,135 ARE YOU ASKING ME OR TELLING ME? 46 00:01:41,169 --> 00:01:43,071 AND MAKE IT FLUFFY! WAAH! 47 00:02:22,076 --> 00:02:24,412 SINCE VOLUME IS PROPORTIONAL 48 00:02:24,445 --> 00:02:25,680 TO THE CUBE OF THE RADIUS, 49 00:02:25,714 --> 00:02:30,819 THEN THE ATOM IS ACTUALLY 10 TO THE 15th POWER-- 50 00:02:30,852 --> 00:02:32,486 MMM! 51 00:02:34,322 --> 00:02:35,589 WHAT DID I JUST SAY, LEON? 52 00:02:35,623 --> 00:02:39,493 UH, "WHAT DID I JUST SAY, LEON." 53 00:02:39,527 --> 00:02:41,930 STUDENTS, WE ARE TALKING ABOUT THE ORBITAL TRAJECTORIES 54 00:02:41,963 --> 00:02:43,765 OF SUBATOMIC NUCLEI. 55 00:02:43,798 --> 00:02:46,901 THIS IS THE FUN STUFF I PROMISED YOU! 56 00:02:46,935 --> 00:02:49,270 DR. SOLOMON, HOW CAN YOU EXPECT US TO CONCENTRATE? 57 00:02:49,303 --> 00:02:52,073 YEAH, THIS IS THE LAST CLASS BEFORE SPRING BREAK. 58 00:02:52,106 --> 00:02:53,875 AHH, YES, SPRING BREAK. 59 00:02:53,908 --> 00:02:56,010 THE TIME WHEN YOUNG PEOPLE GIVE THEIR MINDS A REST 60 00:02:56,044 --> 00:02:59,113 FROM GIVING THEIR MINDS A REST. 61 00:02:59,147 --> 00:03:00,014 IT'S SO GREAT! 62 00:03:00,048 --> 00:03:01,682 IT'S A WHOLE WEEK OF DRINKING AND PARTYING 63 00:03:01,716 --> 00:03:05,653 AND WATER-SKIING NAKED AT MIDNIGHT WITH A LIVE GOAT! 64 00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:06,955 IT'S GOING TO BE SO MUCH FUN! 65 00:03:06,988 --> 00:03:08,990 IT SOUNDS UTTERLY INFANTILE! 66 00:03:09,023 --> 00:03:12,426 NOT TO MENTION A WASTE OF A VERY TALENTED GOAT. 67 00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:15,897 COME ON, DR. SOLOMON. YOU WERE YOUNG ONCE. 68 00:03:15,930 --> 00:03:18,266 WHY, NO. 69 00:03:18,299 --> 00:03:20,802 NO, I WASN'T. 70 00:03:20,835 --> 00:03:23,037 WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 71 00:03:23,071 --> 00:03:24,839 NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! 72 00:03:30,478 --> 00:03:31,645 NINA... 73 00:03:31,679 --> 00:03:34,515 YOU STILL PASS FOR YOUNG. 74 00:03:36,450 --> 00:03:38,552 WHAT DO YOU DO DURING SPRING BREAK? 75 00:03:38,586 --> 00:03:40,188 I LIKE TO USE THE TIME TO RELAX 76 00:03:40,221 --> 00:03:41,355 AND FIND MY CENTER AGAIN. 77 00:03:41,389 --> 00:03:43,091 AND HOW DO YOU DO THAT? 78 00:03:43,124 --> 00:03:46,194 WELL, I PICTURE A 50-MILE RADIUS AROUND YOU, 79 00:03:46,227 --> 00:03:50,731 AND I GO OUTSIDE OF THAT. 80 00:03:50,765 --> 00:03:53,768 AH, THAT DOES SOUND RELAXING. 81 00:03:53,802 --> 00:03:55,970 OH, DICK, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE. 82 00:03:56,004 --> 00:03:57,071 I WANTED YOU TO SEE THIS. 83 00:03:57,105 --> 00:03:59,073 "THE BED AND BREAKFAST ON STERLING LAKE"? 84 00:03:59,107 --> 00:04:01,142 STERLING LAKE IS REALLY SPECIAL TO ME, DICK. 85 00:04:01,175 --> 00:04:04,813 I SPENT SO MANY HAPPY SUMMERS THERE WITH MY FAMILY WHEN I WAS YOUNG. 86 00:04:04,846 --> 00:04:08,783 WAIT A SECOND. YOU HAD A YOUTH, TOO? 87 00:04:08,817 --> 00:04:09,350 YES, DICK. 88 00:04:09,383 --> 00:04:10,318 WELL, WHAT WAS IT LIKE, 89 00:04:10,351 --> 00:04:13,687 OR CAN YOU STILL REMEMBER? 90 00:04:13,721 --> 00:04:15,356 IT WAS WONDERFUL. 91 00:04:15,389 --> 00:04:18,259 WE LIVED IN LOG CABINS WE BUILT OURSELVES. 92 00:04:18,292 --> 00:04:20,628 OH! AND WHEN MR. LINCOLN CAME TO TOWN, 93 00:04:20,661 --> 00:04:22,797 WE WERE ALL A-FLUTTER. 94 00:04:22,831 --> 00:04:25,166 WHAT DO YOU THINK IT WAS LIKE, DICK? 95 00:04:25,199 --> 00:04:26,634 I'M SORRY, MARY. 96 00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:29,370 I JUST FEEL LIKE... 97 00:04:29,403 --> 00:04:31,239 LIKE I NEVER HAD A YOUTH. 98 00:04:31,272 --> 00:04:32,373 WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 99 00:04:32,406 --> 00:04:33,908 WHILE YOU WERE GROWING UP, 100 00:04:33,942 --> 00:04:37,378 I--I WAS WORKING AS A COLOR SPECTRUM PARTICLE SEPARATOR 101 00:04:37,411 --> 00:04:40,448 AT THE ASSEMBLAGE DOME. 102 00:04:40,481 --> 00:04:43,684 BOY, AND I BITCHED ABOUT WORKING AT THE DAIRY QUEEN. 103 00:04:44,452 --> 00:04:46,821 LET'S GO TO THIS BED AND BREAKFAST, MARY. 104 00:04:46,855 --> 00:04:48,556 LET'S RECAPTURE YOUR YOUTH. 105 00:04:48,589 --> 00:04:49,858 LET'S HAVE A THREESOME. 106 00:04:49,891 --> 00:04:54,562 YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD NEVER ASK ME THAT AGAIN, DICK. 107 00:04:54,595 --> 00:04:55,830 UH, OK. 108 00:04:55,864 --> 00:04:57,765 LET'S JUST RECAPTURE YOUR YOUTH. 109 00:05:01,936 --> 00:05:04,405 PHIL? 110 00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:06,140 WHAT IS THIS? 111 00:05:06,174 --> 00:05:09,677 I ORDERED A PASTRAMI ON RYE WITHOUT MUSTARD. 112 00:05:09,710 --> 00:05:12,947 THIS HAS MUSTARD! 113 00:05:12,981 --> 00:05:15,516 YOU CALL YOURSELF A COP? 114 00:05:20,989 --> 00:05:23,557 ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT! 115 00:05:23,591 --> 00:05:25,994 ARE THOSE COPS GOING TO BE UP HERE ALL NIGHT? 116 00:05:26,027 --> 00:05:26,895 'CAUSE I'D REALLY RATHER 117 00:05:26,928 --> 00:05:29,697 HAVE THEM COME DOWN TO MY PLACE. 118 00:05:29,730 --> 00:05:31,732 UH, THEY'RE STAKING OUT THIS GUY ACROSS THE STREET 119 00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:33,634 WHO ILLEGALLY PIRATES VIDEOS. 120 00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:36,270 DOES HE HAVE ANY FILMS STARRING... 121 00:05:36,304 --> 00:05:39,573 CHESTY DOUBLOONS? 122 00:05:39,607 --> 00:05:41,542 UH, I'M NOT SURE. WHY? 123 00:05:41,575 --> 00:05:43,777 NO REASON. 124 00:05:43,811 --> 00:05:45,379 OK, BOYS, I'M OUT OF HERE. 125 00:05:45,413 --> 00:05:46,680 NOW, LISTEN UP. 126 00:05:46,714 --> 00:05:47,949 WITH THE POLICE HERE DAY AND NIGHT, 127 00:05:47,982 --> 00:05:49,150 I WANT YOU ALL TO BE ON YOUR GUARD. 128 00:05:49,183 --> 00:05:52,220 DON'T DO ANYTHING THAT MIGHT EXPOSE OUR TRUE IDENTITIES. 129 00:05:52,253 --> 00:05:54,155 COME ON, DICK. WHAT DO YOU THINK WE'RE GOING TO DO, 130 00:05:54,188 --> 00:05:56,124 WALK AROUND IN T-SHIRTS THAT SAY, 131 00:05:56,157 --> 00:05:59,460 "HUG ME. I'M AN ALIEN"? 132 00:06:01,395 --> 00:06:04,032 I'M NEVER GOING TO LIVE THAT DOWN, AM I? 133 00:06:05,133 --> 00:06:07,601 YOUR HEAD LOOKS FUNNY. 134 00:06:07,635 --> 00:06:09,503 WATCH THIS. 135 00:06:09,537 --> 00:06:11,906 I'M LOOKING FOR AN OFFICER DON ORVILLE. 136 00:06:15,509 --> 00:06:16,610 I AM HE. 137 00:06:16,644 --> 00:06:19,213 JACK McMANNUS. STATE CRIME DIVISION. 138 00:06:19,247 --> 00:06:21,482 WELL, WHAT, LIKE THE FEDS? 139 00:06:21,515 --> 00:06:22,616 NO. 140 00:06:22,650 --> 00:06:25,319 FEDS ARE FEDERAL. I'M WITH THE STATE. 141 00:06:25,353 --> 00:06:26,820 IT'S FEDS... 142 00:06:26,854 --> 00:06:28,589 STATE... 143 00:06:28,622 --> 00:06:31,692 YOU. 144 00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,627 DON, IS HE SERIOUS? 145 00:06:33,661 --> 00:06:34,795 LISTEN UP, PEOPLE! 146 00:06:34,828 --> 00:06:36,864 WE'VE BEEN CHASING THIS VIDEO PIRATE FOR A LONG TIME, 147 00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:39,200 SO I HEREBY COMMANDEER THIS OBSERVATION POST. 148 00:06:39,233 --> 00:06:41,802 DON, THIS IS YOUR CASE. TELL HIM! 149 00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:44,338 YEAH, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? 150 00:06:44,372 --> 00:06:46,607 GET ME A SANDWICH. 151 00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:49,210 HEY, WHO'S THIS GUY? 152 00:06:49,243 --> 00:06:51,312 JACK McMANNUS. I'M WITH THE STATE. 153 00:06:51,345 --> 00:06:54,148 OOH! A FED. 154 00:07:01,155 --> 00:07:02,923 AND THIS IS YOUR ROOM. 155 00:07:02,957 --> 00:07:07,328 OH, MY GOD. MARY, COME LOOK AT THE ROOM! 156 00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:15,403 OH, IT'S JUST AS IT WAS WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL. 157 00:07:15,436 --> 00:07:17,371 AND I REMEMBER YOU! 158 00:07:17,405 --> 00:07:18,606 MY FAMILY, THE ALBRIGHTS, 159 00:07:18,639 --> 00:07:20,174 BROUGHT ME HERE EVERY SUMMER. 160 00:07:20,208 --> 00:07:22,943 I'M SORRY, DEAR. I DON'T RECALL. 161 00:07:22,977 --> 00:07:24,612 OH, YOU MUST REMEMBER! 162 00:07:24,645 --> 00:07:27,215 I LOVED YOUR BLUEBERRY BELGIAN WAFFLES. 163 00:07:27,248 --> 00:07:29,150 I HAVE SO MANY GUESTS HERE. 164 00:07:29,183 --> 00:07:32,253 YOU PEOPLE ALL BLEND TOGETHER. 165 00:07:33,654 --> 00:07:36,024 OH! I HAVE A WONDERFUL IDEA! 166 00:07:36,057 --> 00:07:38,192 WE USED TO GO TO THIS WOODSY LITTLE PLACE 167 00:07:38,226 --> 00:07:39,293 CALLED DER BURGERPLATZ. 168 00:07:39,327 --> 00:07:41,729 THE JUICIEST HAMBURGERS IN THE WORLD. 169 00:07:41,762 --> 00:07:43,897 IT SOUNDS DER WONDERFUL. 170 00:07:43,931 --> 00:07:45,433 SHALL WE GO NOW? 171 00:07:45,466 --> 00:07:47,268 OR LATER. 172 00:07:47,301 --> 00:07:48,402 AFTER YOU'VE EARNED IT. 173 00:07:48,436 --> 00:07:50,738 OH. YOU MEAN YOU WANT TO-- 174 00:07:50,771 --> 00:07:52,473 BUT, MARY, IT'S STILL DAYLIGHT. 175 00:07:52,506 --> 00:07:55,743 SURE! THAT'S THE CHARM OF A PLACE LIKE THIS. 176 00:07:55,776 --> 00:07:58,079 OH, THEY SHOULD PUT THAT IN THE BROCHURE. 177 00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:04,952 WHY DO YOU HAVE TO RIDE DON LIKE THAT? 178 00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:06,354 HE'S A GOOD GUY. 179 00:08:06,387 --> 00:08:09,123 WELL, I'M SURE HE IS, BUT I HAVE A JOB TO DO. 180 00:08:09,157 --> 00:08:11,625 I DIDN'T MAKE LIEUTENANT BY BEING A SOFTIE. 181 00:08:11,659 --> 00:08:16,197 WAIT A SECOND. YOU'RE A LIEUTENANT? SO AM I! 182 00:08:16,230 --> 00:08:18,899 SALVATION ARMY. 183 00:08:18,932 --> 00:08:23,104 YEAH, YEAH. I GET TO RING YOUR BIGGER BELLS. 184 00:08:23,137 --> 00:08:25,373 SO DOES THE TARGET HAVE A BACK DOOR PERIMETER? 185 00:08:25,406 --> 00:08:27,575 YEAH. I'LL HAVE A UNIT STANDING BY WITH A RESERVE BLOCKADE. 186 00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:31,612 HOW YOU GOING IN, "V" FORMATION OR 2 BY 2? 187 00:08:31,645 --> 00:08:33,547 WOW, YOU REALLY KNOW YOUR MILITARY TACTICS. 188 00:08:33,581 --> 00:08:36,084 OH, WELL, YOU KNOW, CHRISTMAS CROWDS, 189 00:08:36,117 --> 00:08:38,952 THEY'RE BASICALLY ANIMALS. 190 00:08:38,986 --> 00:08:40,721 2 BY 2, BUT IF THINGS GET DICEY, 191 00:08:40,754 --> 00:08:42,790 I'M GOING TO HAVE TO FALL BACK ON SPRINT AND COVER. 192 00:08:42,823 --> 00:08:45,159 THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WOULD DO. 193 00:08:45,193 --> 00:08:47,728 SHALL WE TALK WEAPONS? 194 00:08:47,761 --> 00:08:49,430 SURE. 195 00:08:49,463 --> 00:08:51,965 WANT TO SEE MY PIECE? 196 00:08:51,999 --> 00:08:53,734 YOWSER! 197 00:08:57,205 --> 00:08:59,707 [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING] 198 00:09:01,675 --> 00:09:03,644 OH, THIS IS HORRIBLE! 199 00:09:03,677 --> 00:09:06,647 SPRING BREAK HAS INVADED MY LITTLE BURGERPLATZ. 200 00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:09,750 SO THIS IS WHAT YOUNG PEOPLE DO ON SPRING BREAK? 201 00:09:09,783 --> 00:09:11,585 THESE KIDS HAVE RUINED THIS PLACE. 202 00:09:11,619 --> 00:09:12,586 OH, I DON'T KNOW. 203 00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:14,755 IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE HAVING A PRETTY GOOD TIME, 204 00:09:14,788 --> 00:09:17,558 ESPECIALLY THOSE PEOPLE OVER THERE WITH THE-- 205 00:09:17,591 --> 00:09:19,393 IS THAT A GOAT? 206 00:09:19,427 --> 00:09:20,594 OH, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. 207 00:09:20,628 --> 00:09:21,829 THERE ARE OTHER PLACES TO EAT. 208 00:09:21,862 --> 00:09:22,863 TELL YOU WHAT, MARY, 209 00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:24,832 WHY DON'T YOU GO AND I'LL STAY? 210 00:09:24,865 --> 00:09:25,766 WHAT? 211 00:09:25,799 --> 00:09:27,368 WELL, UH, THE BURGERS. YOU LOVE THE BURGERS, 212 00:09:27,401 --> 00:09:31,172 AND YOU SHOULD HAVE THEM, SO I'LL STAY AND GET IN LINE 213 00:09:31,205 --> 00:09:33,941 IN THIS FUN AWFUL PLACE, AND BRING THEM BACK TO THE ROOM 214 00:09:33,974 --> 00:09:35,409 EVENTUALLY--RIGHT AWAY! 215 00:09:35,443 --> 00:09:38,011 REALLY, DICK? YOU'RE THE BEST! 216 00:09:38,045 --> 00:09:39,580 NO, YOU'RE THE BEST. 217 00:09:39,613 --> 00:09:40,714 NO, WAIT. 218 00:09:40,748 --> 00:09:43,117 I'M THE BEST. 219 00:09:44,118 --> 00:09:46,354 IT'S SO GREAT! 220 00:09:46,387 --> 00:09:49,056 HEY, BUDDY! 221 00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:50,124 DR. BUDDY! 222 00:09:50,158 --> 00:09:51,091 HEY! HEY! 223 00:09:51,125 --> 00:09:53,394 CARYN, PITMAN, LEON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 224 00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:54,795 A PHYSICS EXPERIMENT. 225 00:09:54,828 --> 00:09:56,264 EVERY TIME I POUR BEER DOWN MY THROAT, 226 00:09:56,297 --> 00:09:59,333 IT OBEYS THE LAWS OF GRAVITY. EVERY TIME. 227 00:09:59,367 --> 00:10:00,668 [BELCHES LOUDLY] 228 00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:02,503 I'M PITMAN! 229 00:10:02,536 --> 00:10:03,871 I'M PITMAN, TOO! 230 00:10:03,904 --> 00:10:05,239 [BELCHES] 231 00:10:05,273 --> 00:10:06,407 YEAH! 232 00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:07,375 CAN I JOIN YOU? 233 00:10:07,408 --> 00:10:10,711 UM, WELL, HERE'S THE THING: 234 00:10:10,744 --> 00:10:12,613 NO. 235 00:10:12,646 --> 00:10:14,182 THIS LOOKS LIKE SO MUCH FUN! 236 00:10:14,215 --> 00:10:17,318 PLEASE, UH, TELL ME WHAT TO DO. I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU SAY. 237 00:10:17,351 --> 00:10:18,486 WHAT? 238 00:10:18,519 --> 00:10:20,053 I WANT TO BE YOUR STUDENT, 239 00:10:20,087 --> 00:10:22,823 AND YOU CAN BE MY ESTEEMED PROFESSORS. 240 00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:25,025 I'M SO TOTALLY ESTEEMED. 241 00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:26,694 HA HA HA! 242 00:10:26,727 --> 00:10:28,829 OK, OK. LESSON ONE. 243 00:10:28,862 --> 00:10:33,934 THIS IS BEER. GET TO KNOW IT. 244 00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:35,903 NO, NO, NO, NO. 245 00:10:35,936 --> 00:10:39,340 REALLY GET TO KNOW IT. 246 00:10:39,373 --> 00:10:41,175 All chanting: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! 247 00:10:41,209 --> 00:10:44,478 [CHANTING] 248 00:10:44,512 --> 00:10:46,914 SOLOMON, CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! 249 00:10:46,947 --> 00:10:47,915 SOLOMON! 250 00:10:47,948 --> 00:10:51,952 SOLOMON, SOLOMON, CHUG, CHUG, CHUG! 251 00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:54,488 [BELCHES] 252 00:10:54,522 --> 00:10:55,923 I'M PITMAN, TOO! 253 00:10:55,956 --> 00:10:57,958 [ALL CHEERING] 254 00:11:02,896 --> 00:11:05,699 SO, JACK, WHAT'S THE PERP DOING? 255 00:11:05,733 --> 00:11:08,869 SITTING ON THE COUCH. 256 00:11:08,902 --> 00:11:11,705 WHAT'S HE DOING NOW? 257 00:11:11,739 --> 00:11:12,340 SITTING ON THE COUCH. 258 00:11:12,373 --> 00:11:12,873 THAT BASTARD! 259 00:11:12,906 --> 00:11:14,775 HE'S TOYING WITH US! 260 00:11:14,808 --> 00:11:16,076 IT'S ALL RIGHT, BOYS. 261 00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:18,579 WE'RE GOING TO TAIL THIS FREAK UNTIL HE MAKES A MOVE, 262 00:11:18,612 --> 00:11:20,248 AND I KNOW GUYS LIKE THIS. 263 00:11:20,281 --> 00:11:21,081 THEY ALWAYS MAKE A MOVE. 264 00:11:21,114 --> 00:11:22,816 OH, YEAH, THEY MOVE, ALL RIGHT. 265 00:11:22,850 --> 00:11:25,586 THEY MOVE ALL OVER THE PLACE! 266 00:11:25,619 --> 00:11:29,089 AND IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I GOT TO TAKE CARE OF A 514. 267 00:11:29,122 --> 00:11:31,825 WHAT'S THAT? 268 00:11:31,859 --> 00:11:33,694 PEE-PEE. 269 00:11:34,762 --> 00:11:35,796 HEY, LIEUTENANT. 270 00:11:35,829 --> 00:11:39,032 HEY, LIEU--YOU. 271 00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:41,001 WHAT IS IT WITH THAT GUY? 272 00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,503 HE MAKES ME FEEL SO... 273 00:11:42,536 --> 00:11:43,904 TINGLY? ALIVE? 274 00:11:43,937 --> 00:11:47,140 YEAH! HEY. 275 00:11:47,174 --> 00:11:48,442 WOULD IT BE WEIRD 276 00:11:48,476 --> 00:11:50,711 IF I WENT AND SMELLED HIS JACKET? 277 00:11:50,744 --> 00:11:51,545 OH, WE HAVE. 278 00:11:51,579 --> 00:11:53,247 GO AHEAD. 279 00:11:55,015 --> 00:11:56,617 THAT'S THE LAST TIME I GET COFFEE 280 00:11:56,650 --> 00:11:57,818 FOR JACK McMANNUS. 281 00:11:57,851 --> 00:12:01,021 UH, HEY, DON, YOU GOT TO SIGN IN. 282 00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:02,623 SINCE WHEN DO WE HAVE TO SIGN IN? 283 00:12:02,656 --> 00:12:03,457 JACK'S RULES. 284 00:12:03,491 --> 00:12:08,862 YEAH? WELL, I AM NOT SIGNING IN! 285 00:12:08,896 --> 00:12:10,531 OH, WHY DID THEY HAVE TO BRING IN THE FEDS? 286 00:12:10,564 --> 00:12:11,965 THIS SHOULD'VE BEEN MY COLLAR. 287 00:12:11,999 --> 00:12:13,534 WHY DON'T YOU BREAK THE CASE YOURSELF? 288 00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:15,436 YEAH! GET THE GUY TO INCRIMINATE HIMSELF. 289 00:12:15,469 --> 00:12:18,105 YEAH. GET IT ON TAPE TO MAKE IT STICK. 290 00:12:18,138 --> 00:12:19,640 WHAT, YOU MEAN LIKE A WIRE? 291 00:12:19,673 --> 00:12:23,411 WELL, LOOK WHO JUST WOKE UP! 292 00:12:24,345 --> 00:12:26,013 WEARING A WIRE. 293 00:12:26,046 --> 00:12:27,147 NICE. 294 00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:28,416 BUT WHO'S GOING TO DO IT? 295 00:12:28,449 --> 00:12:29,550 I'LL DO IT. COULD BE DANGEROUS. 296 00:12:29,583 --> 00:12:31,319 HARRY'LL DO IT. 297 00:12:37,291 --> 00:12:41,295 [SOFT ROCK PLAYING] 298 00:12:41,329 --> 00:12:42,830 Solomon: OH. HERE WE GO AGAIN... 299 00:12:42,863 --> 00:12:44,665 [VOMITING] 300 00:12:44,698 --> 00:12:47,501 [RETCHING] 301 00:12:47,535 --> 00:12:48,969 OOF! 302 00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:50,571 OK. 303 00:12:50,604 --> 00:12:52,573 I THINK I'M REALLY DONE THROWING UP NOW. 304 00:12:52,606 --> 00:12:54,842 YOU'RE A WILD MAN, DR. SOLOMON. 305 00:12:54,875 --> 00:12:57,578 OH, I LOVE THIS! LIVING IN THE MOMENT, 306 00:12:57,611 --> 00:13:00,280 ALCOHOL WREAKING HAVOC ON MY LIVER, 307 00:13:00,314 --> 00:13:02,983 MY-- MY BODY DESTROYING ITSELF FROM THE INSIDE-- 308 00:13:03,016 --> 00:13:06,454 I JUST FEEL SO ALIVE! 309 00:13:06,487 --> 00:13:08,188 LOOK AT ALL THOSE STARS. 310 00:13:08,221 --> 00:13:10,190 THE UNIVERSE IS SO BIG. 311 00:13:10,223 --> 00:13:13,694 THERE HAS JUST GOT TO BE INTELLIGENT LIFE OUT THERE. 312 00:13:13,727 --> 00:13:16,530 OH, BUT THEY'D NEVER COME HERE. 313 00:13:16,564 --> 00:13:21,469 I MEAN, WHAT CAN WE OFFER BEINGS OF SUCH SUPREME INTELLIGENCE? 314 00:13:21,502 --> 00:13:23,471 BEER ME! 315 00:13:23,504 --> 00:13:24,672 WOW. YOU'VE TURNED INTO, LIKE, 316 00:13:24,705 --> 00:13:27,441 THIS WHOLE OTHER PERSON, DR. SOLOMON. 317 00:13:27,475 --> 00:13:29,677 YOU CAN CALL ME DICK. 318 00:13:29,710 --> 00:13:33,246 THAT'S SO COOL, DICK. 319 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:36,684 YOU CAN CALL ME DR. SOLOMON. 320 00:13:36,717 --> 00:13:40,020 UH-OH. 321 00:13:40,053 --> 00:13:45,025 [VOMITING] 322 00:13:45,058 --> 00:13:50,398 WELL, HE PUT THE FIRE OUT. 323 00:13:50,431 --> 00:13:52,366 I THINK I'M REALLY DONE THROWING UP NOW. 324 00:14:00,974 --> 00:14:03,411 HI, JACK. 325 00:14:03,444 --> 00:14:06,113 HI. 326 00:14:06,146 --> 00:14:09,383 OUCHY, THIS DRESS IS TOO TIGHT. 327 00:14:11,619 --> 00:14:14,087 OH, YEAH? 328 00:14:14,121 --> 00:14:16,990 AND TOO SHORT. OHH! 329 00:14:17,024 --> 00:14:19,059 YEAH. 330 00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:30,538 HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MR. PRESIDENT. 331 00:14:31,104 --> 00:14:33,474 YOWSER. 332 00:14:33,507 --> 00:14:34,942 LISTEN, JACK, 333 00:14:34,975 --> 00:14:37,277 I'M NOT GOING TO LIE TO YOU. 334 00:14:37,310 --> 00:14:38,846 I FIND YOU VERY ATTRACTIVE, 335 00:14:38,879 --> 00:14:41,014 AND I KNOW YOU MUST FIND ME ATTRACTIVE, 336 00:14:41,048 --> 00:14:43,150 BECAUSE... 337 00:14:43,183 --> 00:14:46,253 WELL, YOU HAVE EYESIGHT. 338 00:14:46,286 --> 00:14:47,788 BUT I'M ON DUTY. 339 00:14:47,821 --> 00:14:48,822 I'M WEARING A THONG. 340 00:14:48,856 --> 00:14:50,791 I'LL SIGN OUT. 341 00:14:50,824 --> 00:14:53,561 [CELL PHONE RINGS] 342 00:14:53,594 --> 00:14:55,863 OHH. 343 00:14:55,896 --> 00:14:59,399 McMANNUS. 344 00:14:59,433 --> 00:15:01,835 YEAH, CAPTAIN, I UNDERSTAND. I'LL BE RIGHT THERE. 345 00:15:01,869 --> 00:15:03,904 I'M SORRY, DOLL. 346 00:15:03,937 --> 00:15:05,639 I GOT TO GO. 347 00:15:05,673 --> 00:15:06,907 THERE'S SOMETHING THAT NEEDS TO BE TAKEN CARE OF, 348 00:15:06,940 --> 00:15:08,275 AND I'M THE ONLY GUY WHO CAN DO IT. 349 00:15:08,308 --> 00:15:11,144 OHH! 350 00:15:11,178 --> 00:15:14,347 YOU AIN'T KIDDIN', BABY. 351 00:15:17,985 --> 00:15:21,922 [SNORING] 352 00:15:26,694 --> 00:15:29,563 ISN'T SHE HOT? 353 00:15:29,597 --> 00:15:32,700 SHE IS SO HOT. CAN I MAKE OUT WITH HER? 354 00:15:32,733 --> 00:15:34,568 NO YOU CANNOT. SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND. 355 00:15:34,602 --> 00:15:38,238 BUT I LET MY FRIENDS MAKE OUT WITH MY GIRLFRIEND ALL THE TIME. 356 00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:40,674 GET OVER IT, DUDE. THE GIRL IS MINE. 357 00:15:51,919 --> 00:15:54,522 AAH! 358 00:15:54,555 --> 00:15:56,557 HELLO, LIGHT SLEEPER. 359 00:15:56,590 --> 00:15:57,658 WHAT'S GOING ON? 360 00:15:57,691 --> 00:15:58,926 AH, THERE WAS NOWHERE ELSE TO GO. 361 00:15:58,959 --> 00:16:00,460 THE BARS WERE ALL CLOSED. 362 00:16:00,494 --> 00:16:01,795 SO YOU BROUGHT THEM HERE? 363 00:16:01,829 --> 00:16:04,632 WELL, YEAH! 364 00:16:04,665 --> 00:16:06,233 WELL, THAT'S IT! THE PARTY'S OVER! 365 00:16:06,266 --> 00:16:07,935 OH, COME ON, MARY, WEREN'T YOU EVER YOUNG? 366 00:16:07,968 --> 00:16:09,469 HEY, LEON! 367 00:16:09,503 --> 00:16:11,238 DANCE BREAK! 368 00:16:11,271 --> 00:16:12,973 COME ON! WHOO! YAY! 369 00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:14,141 [LOUD MUSIC PLAYING] 370 00:16:14,174 --> 00:16:16,176 I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD RUIN THIS PLACE FOR ME, DICK, 371 00:16:16,209 --> 00:16:18,712 A PLACE THAT MEANT SO MUCH TO ME. 372 00:16:18,746 --> 00:16:22,583 GRIND IT, MARY! GRIND ALL YOUR PROBLEMS AWAY! 373 00:16:25,352 --> 00:16:28,321 STOP! STOP THIS RUCKUS THIS MINUTE! 374 00:16:28,355 --> 00:16:29,757 I AM SO SORRY! 375 00:16:29,790 --> 00:16:31,291 I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO EMBARRASSED. 376 00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:33,060 OH, YOU SHOULD BE. 377 00:16:33,093 --> 00:16:34,628 AND I DO REMEMBER YOU. 378 00:16:34,662 --> 00:16:37,330 YOU'RE THAT FAT LITTLE GIRL 379 00:16:37,364 --> 00:16:40,333 WHO ATE EVERYBODY'S BELGIAN WAFFLES. 380 00:16:40,367 --> 00:16:41,234 WELL, I NE-- 381 00:16:41,268 --> 00:16:45,338 AND THIS IS THE KIND OF WILD PARTIES 382 00:16:45,372 --> 00:16:47,040 AND DRUNKENNESS 383 00:16:47,074 --> 00:16:49,943 THAT YOUR FAMILY BROUGHT WHEN THEY CAME HERE. 384 00:16:49,977 --> 00:16:50,878 WHAT? 385 00:16:50,911 --> 00:16:54,481 I WANT YOU OUT OF HERE BY TONIGHT! 386 00:16:56,984 --> 00:16:57,484 [DOOR CLOSES] 387 00:16:57,517 --> 00:16:59,319 DANCE BREAK! 388 00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:01,354 [LOUD MUSIC PLAYS] 389 00:17:05,092 --> 00:17:07,895 [CHIMING] 390 00:17:08,862 --> 00:17:12,600 TESTING 1, 2. TESTING 1, 2. 391 00:17:12,633 --> 00:17:14,568 * I'VE GOT YOU 392 00:17:14,602 --> 00:17:16,269 * UNDER MY SKIN 393 00:17:16,303 --> 00:17:19,272 * I'VE GOT YOU-- 394 00:17:19,306 --> 00:17:22,042 PIZZA DELIVERY. 395 00:17:22,075 --> 00:17:23,744 I DIDN'T ORDER A PIZZA. 396 00:17:23,777 --> 00:17:27,080 YEAH, WELL, IT'S PART OF A SPECIAL PROMOTIONAL PLAN. 397 00:17:29,650 --> 00:17:32,019 THERE'S NOTHIN' BUT CRUSTS. 398 00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:33,787 [STATIC] 399 00:17:33,821 --> 00:17:34,988 Tommy: DON, DON, SOMETHING'S WRONG. 400 00:17:35,022 --> 00:17:38,358 I CAN'T HEAR HARRY AT ALL. 401 00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:39,559 WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? 402 00:17:39,593 --> 00:17:40,628 Don: OH, CRAP. 403 00:17:40,661 --> 00:17:43,631 I THINK WE'VE GOT THE MIC, AND HE'S GOT THE SPEAKER. 404 00:17:43,664 --> 00:17:45,365 Tommy: WHAT? 405 00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:48,468 BUT--BUT THEN THAT MEANS THAT THE VIDEO PIRATE 406 00:17:48,501 --> 00:17:51,805 CAN HEAR EVERYTHING WE'RE SAYING! 407 00:17:51,839 --> 00:17:53,641 Don: RUN, HARRY. 408 00:17:53,674 --> 00:17:55,208 RUN! 409 00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:58,411 RUN, YOU IDIOT! RUN! 410 00:17:59,246 --> 00:18:01,014 I GOTTA RUN. 411 00:18:01,048 --> 00:18:03,984 AAH! 412 00:18:06,319 --> 00:18:07,955 LOOK AT THIS PLACE. 413 00:18:07,988 --> 00:18:10,724 YOU REALLY KNOW HOW TO TRASH A HOTEL ROOM, DICK. 414 00:18:10,758 --> 00:18:12,960 I'M SORRY, MARY. 415 00:18:12,993 --> 00:18:14,261 WHAT ARE THESE? 416 00:18:14,294 --> 00:18:17,731 OH, THOSE ARE CANTALOUPE BALLS INJECTED WITH VODKA. 417 00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:21,001 STUPID. 418 00:18:24,004 --> 00:18:26,774 I'M JUST SO SORRY. 419 00:18:26,807 --> 00:18:27,775 I'VE RUINED THIS PLACE 420 00:18:27,808 --> 00:18:31,411 THAT HOLDS SO MANY HAPPY MEMORIES FOR YOU. 421 00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:33,246 MEMORIES? 422 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:36,516 NO, THAT OLD WOMAN WAS RIGHT. 423 00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:40,187 MY PARENTS ONLY BROUGHT DRUNKENNESS AND CHAOS TO THIS PLACE. 424 00:18:40,220 --> 00:18:43,056 I GUESS I ROMANTICIZED IT BECAUSE I WAS FAT AND UNHAPPY 425 00:18:43,090 --> 00:18:44,792 AND I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO REMEMBER IT THAT WAY. 426 00:18:44,825 --> 00:18:46,593 THAT'S SO SAD. 427 00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:48,696 HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT SELLING YOUR STORY 428 00:18:48,729 --> 00:18:50,731 TO LIFETIME? 429 00:18:50,764 --> 00:18:52,032 YOU COULD CALL IT 430 00:18:52,065 --> 00:18:56,203 FAT, FAT LITTLE GIRL, THE MARY ALBRIGHT STORY. 431 00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:02,409 WHY DOES YOUR YOUTH ALWAYS SEEM BETTER WHEN YOU LOOK BACK ON IT? 432 00:19:02,442 --> 00:19:04,945 MARY, HOWEVER UNPLEASANT YOUR YOUTH WAS, 433 00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:06,814 IT'S MADE YOU WHO YOU ARE TODAY, 434 00:19:06,847 --> 00:19:10,150 A BRIGHT, ACCOMPLISHED, MATURE WOMAN, 435 00:19:10,183 --> 00:19:12,019 THE WOMAN I LOVE. 436 00:19:12,052 --> 00:19:14,387 OHH, DICK. 437 00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:21,695 OHH-HH-HH! 438 00:19:26,867 --> 00:19:28,601 JACK, ARE YOU LEAVING? 439 00:19:28,635 --> 00:19:30,070 THIS CASE IS A BUST. 440 00:19:30,103 --> 00:19:32,039 BARNEY FIFE HERE ALERTED THE PERP TO OUR PRESENCE, 441 00:19:32,072 --> 00:19:33,306 AND NOW HE'S FLED. 442 00:19:33,340 --> 00:19:34,742 BOY, GIVE US SOME CREDIT. 443 00:19:34,775 --> 00:19:37,577 YEAH. WE SCREWED UP THE CASE, TOO. 444 00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:39,947 YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO THAT UNIFORM, 445 00:19:39,980 --> 00:19:42,382 AND NOT JUST BECAUSE OF THAT HAIRCUT. 446 00:19:42,415 --> 00:19:44,184 HEY, HEY, HEY! 447 00:19:44,217 --> 00:19:46,253 AT LEAST DON TOOK SOME ACTION. 448 00:19:46,286 --> 00:19:48,756 YEAH. HE BLEW ALL MY HARD WORK. 449 00:19:48,789 --> 00:19:51,859 I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE I WAS EVER ATTRACTED TO YOU. 450 00:19:51,892 --> 00:19:52,592 HUH? 451 00:19:52,625 --> 00:19:53,426 YOU KNOW SOMETHING? 452 00:19:53,460 --> 00:19:55,528 YOU MAY BE A BIG TIME STATE COP, 453 00:19:55,562 --> 00:19:58,198 AND YOU MAY BE GORGEOUS AND GET HIGH-PROFILE CASES 454 00:19:58,231 --> 00:20:04,137 AND MAKE A LOT OF MONEY, BUT YOU GOT NOTHING ON MY DONNY! 455 00:20:04,171 --> 00:20:06,573 THANKS, SALLY. THAT WASN'T EMASCULATING AT ALL. 456 00:20:06,606 --> 00:20:07,574 YOU'RE WELCOME. 457 00:20:07,607 --> 00:20:09,743 BUNCH OF YOKELS. 458 00:20:09,777 --> 00:20:11,611 I'M OUT OF HERE. 459 00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:12,412 WHAT'S A YOKEL? 460 00:20:12,445 --> 00:20:14,014 I DON'T KNOW. SOME KIND OF COP TALK. 461 00:20:14,047 --> 00:20:14,915 PROBABLY MEANS BRAVE. 462 00:20:14,948 --> 00:20:17,785 YEAH. 463 00:20:17,818 --> 00:20:20,653 WERE YOU REALLY ATTRACTED TO HIM? 464 00:20:20,687 --> 00:20:22,722 I THOUGHT I WAS. 465 00:20:22,756 --> 00:20:25,258 BUT, DON... 466 00:20:25,292 --> 00:20:27,127 YOU-- 467 00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:32,099 YOU HAD THE GUTS TO RISK HARRY'S LIFE. 468 00:20:32,132 --> 00:20:35,803 NOTHING MAKES ME HOTTER THAN A MAN OF ACTION. 469 00:20:35,836 --> 00:20:37,404 I'LL SHOW YOU SOME ACTION. 470 00:20:37,437 --> 00:20:40,440 OH, YEAH. ORDER ME AROUND, YOU FUNKY SMALL TOWN COP. 471 00:20:40,473 --> 00:20:41,041 GET IN THERE! 472 00:20:41,074 --> 00:20:43,543 WAAH! NO! AAH! 473 00:20:46,947 --> 00:20:49,249 IT'S FUNNY. WHEN YOUNG PEOPLE GET ROWDY 474 00:20:49,282 --> 00:20:50,083 AND DANCE IN A BAR, 475 00:20:50,117 --> 00:20:52,052 EVERYBODY SAYS THEY'RE JUST HAVING FUN. 476 00:20:52,085 --> 00:20:56,256 BUT WHEN AN ADULT DOES IT, THEY SAY, AND I QUOTE, 477 00:20:56,289 --> 00:21:00,160 "QUICK, CALL AN AMBULANCE! SOME CREEPY OLD MAN IS HAVING A SEIZURE IN HERE!" 478 00:21:00,193 --> 00:21:02,963 I DON'T KNOW. I THINK YOUTH IS OVERRATED. 479 00:21:02,996 --> 00:21:04,832 GREASY HAIR AND PIMPLES, 480 00:21:04,865 --> 00:21:07,434 CONSTANTLY HAVING TO COVER YOUR LAP WITH A 3-RING BINDER. 481 00:21:07,467 --> 00:21:09,136 YEAH, BUT WITHOUT YOUNG PEOPLE, 482 00:21:09,169 --> 00:21:11,271 WE WOULDN'T HAVE THE YOUNG GUNS MOVIE FRANCHISES. 483 00:21:11,304 --> 00:21:13,106 OR THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS! 484 00:21:13,140 --> 00:21:15,909 OR THE NOTED PSYCHOLOGIST CARL JUNG. 485 00:21:15,943 --> 00:21:17,377 NO, THAT'S WITH A "J." IT DOESN'T COUNT. 486 00:21:17,410 --> 00:21:18,445 IT HAS TO. IT'S A HOMONYM. 487 00:21:18,478 --> 00:21:21,481 HOMONYMS DON'T COUNT! 32877

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