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00:00:03,934 --> 00:00:08,400
Subtitles : RaceMan
www.forom.com
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00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:18,467
* Love and marriage *
3
00:00:18,467 --> 00:00:20,934
* Love and marriage *
4
00:00:20,934 --> 00:00:22,734
* Go together like *
5
00:00:22,734 --> 00:00:25,200
* A horse and carriage *
6
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:29,200
* This I tell ya, brother *
7
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:31,133
* You can't have one *
8
00:00:31,133 --> 00:00:34,033
* Without the other *
9
00:00:34,033 --> 00:00:36,334
* Love and marriage *
10
00:00:36,334 --> 00:00:38,934
* Love and marriage *
11
00:00:38,934 --> 00:00:40,334
* It's an institute *
12
00:00:40,334 --> 00:00:42,734
* You can't disparage *
13
00:00:42,734 --> 00:00:46,501
* Ask the local gentry *
14
00:00:46,501 --> 00:00:51,067
* And they will say
It's elementary *
15
00:00:51,067 --> 00:00:55,868
* Try, try, try
To separate them *
16
00:00:55,868 --> 00:00:59,567
* It's an illusion *
17
00:00:59,567 --> 00:01:04,701
* Try, try, try
And you will only come *
18
00:01:04,701 --> 00:01:08,133
* To this conclusion *
19
00:01:08,133 --> 00:01:10,234
* Love and marriage **
20
00:01:15,834 --> 00:01:19,067
GAME SHOW HOST:
And for $100, name the chiefexport of the United States.
21
00:01:19,067 --> 00:01:20,501
Wheat.
22
00:01:20,501 --> 00:01:21,701
WOMAN:
Machinery.
23
00:01:21,701 --> 00:01:23,067
Machinery is correct.
24
00:01:23,067 --> 00:01:25,234
Now, which state producedthe most U.S. presidents?
25
00:01:25,234 --> 00:01:26,234
Illinois.
26
00:01:26,234 --> 00:01:27,234
Virginia.
27
00:01:27,234 --> 00:01:28,501
Virginia is correct.
28
00:01:28,501 --> 00:01:30,334
Which side of the brain
29
00:01:30,334 --> 00:01:31,901
controlsanalytical thinking?
30
00:01:31,901 --> 00:01:32,901
The right.
31
00:01:32,901 --> 00:01:33,901
The left.
32
00:01:33,901 --> 00:01:35,400
The left is correct!
33
00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:38,701
And we'll be right back afterthis brief commercial message.
34
00:01:38,701 --> 00:01:40,033
MAN:
Hey, America.
35
00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:42,067
Who do you call whenyou don't want to cook?
36
00:01:42,067 --> 00:01:43,334
Ahab's.
37
00:01:43,334 --> 00:01:45,167
Ahab's is correct.
38
00:01:45,167 --> 00:01:47,601
Yes. Ahab'sfor fish and fowl.
39
00:01:47,601 --> 00:01:48,934
Yes, opening soon
40
00:01:48,934 --> 00:01:51,033
in an economicallydepressed area near you.
41
00:01:51,033 --> 00:01:52,467
[CAR APPROACHING]
42
00:01:52,467 --> 00:01:53,534
Daddy's home. Come on.
43
00:01:59,100 --> 00:02:01,901
Hi, honey. How was your day
at the shoe store?
44
00:02:01,901 --> 00:02:03,267
I'll tell you
something, Peg.
45
00:02:03,267 --> 00:02:05,968
Feet and the return
of warm weather
46
00:02:05,968 --> 00:02:08,434
sure makes for
a deadly combination.
47
00:02:09,834 --> 00:02:12,534
Well, you knew that
going in, Al.
48
00:02:12,534 --> 00:02:15,133
Yeah. My back is so tight.
49
00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:19,467
I wish I had
somebody to rub it.
50
00:02:19,467 --> 00:02:20,968
Like a wife.
51
00:02:22,834 --> 00:02:24,801
Hey, there's one now!
52
00:02:26,901 --> 00:02:28,400
How about my back?
53
00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:30,968
You know, Al, I work hard
all day too.
54
00:02:30,968 --> 00:02:32,300
Yeah? Doing what?
55
00:02:36,901 --> 00:02:37,801
Ahh!
56
00:02:39,300 --> 00:02:42,100
Ohh, that feels good.
57
00:02:42,100 --> 00:02:43,434
How good?
58
00:02:50,868 --> 00:02:52,367
Where are the kids?
59
00:02:52,367 --> 00:02:53,467
Upstairs.
60
00:02:53,467 --> 00:02:55,334
What if they come down?
61
00:02:55,334 --> 00:02:56,767
I'll take care of that.
62
00:02:56,767 --> 00:02:58,000
Bud, Kelly!
63
00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:00,868
You want to come down
and help me in the kitchen?
64
00:03:00,868 --> 00:03:02,434
[DOORS SLAM]
65
00:03:04,067 --> 00:03:06,868
There. That should
buy us about 10 minutes.
66
00:03:06,868 --> 00:03:09,434
Seven more
than we'll need.
67
00:03:13,534 --> 00:03:14,934
Where were we?
68
00:03:17,934 --> 00:03:19,000
We're here, Bundy!
69
00:03:21,734 --> 00:03:23,734
Bundy, Bundy,
don't you know
70
00:03:23,734 --> 00:03:26,467
you shouldn't leave
your door unlocked?
71
00:03:26,467 --> 00:03:29,868
It's an invitation
to intruders.
72
00:03:29,868 --> 00:03:31,901
What are they
doing here?
73
00:03:31,901 --> 00:03:34,968
They're the neighborhood watch.
I invited them.
74
00:03:34,968 --> 00:03:36,434
To watch this?!
75
00:03:37,667 --> 00:03:40,367
Uh, hi, Peggy. Al.
76
00:03:40,367 --> 00:03:42,634
I hope we're not
interrupting anything.
77
00:03:42,634 --> 00:03:45,734
Nah. Just gonna have
a little sex with the wife.
78
00:03:48,868 --> 00:03:51,267
What the heck.
There's always next month.
79
00:03:52,501 --> 00:03:54,734
Our house was robbed
this afternoon.
80
00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:58,033
Gee, that's too bad.
You wanna hand me my shirt?
81
00:03:58,033 --> 00:04:00,267
What did
they steal?
82
00:04:00,267 --> 00:04:02,000
Mostly small stuff.
83
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:03,501
Our radio,
Marcie's earrings,
84
00:04:03,501 --> 00:04:05,501
our cameras,
our answering machine.
85
00:04:05,501 --> 00:04:07,868
God only knows
who called.
86
00:04:09,434 --> 00:04:12,334
Well, at least they didn't
take anything valuable.
87
00:04:12,334 --> 00:04:13,734
Yeah, this time.
88
00:04:13,734 --> 00:04:15,400
But I know how
these vermin think.
89
00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:16,734
They take your little crap,
90
00:04:16,734 --> 00:04:19,934
then come back later with
a truck for your big crap.
91
00:04:19,934 --> 00:04:21,934
Not gonna happen
in my house.
92
00:04:21,934 --> 00:04:23,234
I'm ready for them.
93
00:04:23,234 --> 00:04:25,868
I got 50,000 volts going
through my window bars.
94
00:04:25,868 --> 00:04:29,467
I got a bucket of battery acid
hanging over the back door
95
00:04:29,467 --> 00:04:32,334
and I got a .30-aught-6
rigged to the front doorknob.
96
00:04:32,334 --> 00:04:34,300
How do you get into
your house?
97
00:04:34,300 --> 00:04:36,133
Wouldn't you
like to know?
98
00:04:37,934 --> 00:04:40,067
Now, the question
before us is:
99
00:04:40,067 --> 00:04:42,801
What are we gonna
do about it?
100
00:04:42,801 --> 00:04:45,200
I say we hunt
the scum down,
101
00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:47,567
and then we run them over
with our cars.
102
00:04:47,567 --> 00:04:49,434
Then we get out
these fishhooks--
103
00:04:49,434 --> 00:04:50,434
Marcie!
104
00:04:50,434 --> 00:04:51,501
I'm sorry.
105
00:04:51,501 --> 00:04:54,634
I don't know
what came over me.
106
00:04:54,634 --> 00:04:56,834
It's just that
I feel violated.
107
00:04:56,834 --> 00:04:58,701
Someone's been in my home,
in my bedroom.
108
00:04:58,701 --> 00:05:00,167
I feel so helpless.
109
00:05:00,167 --> 00:05:04,334
We'd all feel helpless
in your bedroom, Marce.
110
00:05:04,334 --> 00:05:06,434
You got
any more beer?
111
00:05:06,434 --> 00:05:07,634
No.
112
00:05:07,634 --> 00:05:10,634
And in all the excitement,
I forgot to ask--
113
00:05:10,634 --> 00:05:13,534
Why are you meeting
in my house?
114
00:05:13,534 --> 00:05:16,667
Because our wives
didn't want you in ours.
115
00:05:16,667 --> 00:05:20,033
Hi. Did I
miss anything?
116
00:05:20,033 --> 00:05:23,067
You want me
back on my wife?
117
00:05:23,067 --> 00:05:24,434
Not on my account.
118
00:05:24,434 --> 00:05:26,501
I just wanted to say
I'm sorry you got robbed.
119
00:05:26,501 --> 00:05:28,100
It wasn't me.
It was them!
120
00:05:28,100 --> 00:05:29,501
Yeah, it was you.
121
00:05:29,501 --> 00:05:31,234
Somebody smashed
your car windshield,
122
00:05:31,234 --> 00:05:32,467
stole your radio,
123
00:05:32,467 --> 00:05:35,067
and wrote "wash me"
on your hood.
124
00:05:35,067 --> 00:05:37,267
My car!
They stole my radio?
125
00:05:37,267 --> 00:05:39,100
Hey, Bundy.
The thieves have a point.
126
00:05:39,100 --> 00:05:40,734
You really ought
to wash your car.
127
00:05:40,734 --> 00:05:42,501
Get out!
128
00:05:43,801 --> 00:05:44,968
Out! Out!
129
00:05:44,968 --> 00:05:48,000
Pretend there's a keg
on the lawn.
130
00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:48,968
Out! Out!
131
00:05:52,634 --> 00:05:55,501
I can't believe
they stole my radio
132
00:05:55,501 --> 00:05:57,367
right in front
of my house!
133
00:05:57,367 --> 00:05:58,834
I know how you feel.
134
00:05:58,834 --> 00:06:01,434
If you did, Steve,
you wouldn't be touching me.
135
00:06:01,434 --> 00:06:03,868
Maybe we should
get more involved
136
00:06:03,868 --> 00:06:05,467
with the
neighborhood watch.
137
00:06:05,467 --> 00:06:07,901
Look. You can't depend
on anybody but yourself.
138
00:06:07,901 --> 00:06:09,567
I've put this off long enough.
139
00:06:09,567 --> 00:06:11,267
I'm buying a gun.
140
00:06:11,267 --> 00:06:12,968
A gun is not the answer.
141
00:06:12,968 --> 00:06:15,467
You can't curtail
the criminal element
142
00:06:15,467 --> 00:06:17,367
by sinking
to their level.
143
00:06:17,367 --> 00:06:19,467
Oh, excuse me,
Miss Let's-run-them-over
144
00:06:19,467 --> 00:06:21,567
and-get-out
the-fishhooks.
145
00:06:21,567 --> 00:06:23,901
I was upset.
I wasn't thinking clearly.
146
00:06:23,901 --> 00:06:25,901
Yes. She wasn't
using the left,
147
00:06:25,901 --> 00:06:27,601
or analytical,
portion of the brain.
148
00:06:30,167 --> 00:06:33,067
I'm definitely
getting a gun.
149
00:06:33,067 --> 00:06:34,767
And I'd advise you
to do the same.
150
00:06:34,767 --> 00:06:37,868
Now, come on. There's got
to be a more humane way
151
00:06:37,868 --> 00:06:39,767
to protect our home
and possessions.
152
00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:40,901
There is.
153
00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:43,534
We'll get a dog.
A good watch dog.
154
00:06:43,534 --> 00:06:46,734
A dog. That's a great idea.
I've got a dog.
155
00:06:46,734 --> 00:06:49,400
Buck, look!
Strangers in the house!
156
00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:52,501
Kill them, Buck.
Go kill them!
157
00:06:52,501 --> 00:06:54,667
Whoa, big fella.
158
00:06:54,667 --> 00:06:57,400
I don't mean
a stupid dog.
159
00:06:57,400 --> 00:06:59,968
I'm talking
about a real dog.
160
00:06:59,968 --> 00:07:01,434
A guard dog.
161
00:07:01,434 --> 00:07:02,434
A Doberman.
162
00:07:02,434 --> 00:07:03,934
Steve,
first thing tomorrow,
163
00:07:03,934 --> 00:07:07,367
we're going to one of
those deadly doggy places.
164
00:07:07,367 --> 00:07:09,467
Yes, Al, because
we're against guns
165
00:07:09,467 --> 00:07:11,968
and the violence
they stand for.
166
00:07:11,968 --> 00:07:13,968
That's right. A dog.
167
00:07:13,968 --> 00:07:16,601
A vicious dog
with sharp teeth
168
00:07:16,601 --> 00:07:18,534
that will go
through a jugular
169
00:07:18,534 --> 00:07:21,467
like a hot knife cutting through
butter on a warm, summer night--
170
00:07:21,467 --> 00:07:22,801
Come along, dear.
171
00:07:22,801 --> 00:07:25,434
So that the next guy who tries
to get in my bedroom uninvited
172
00:07:25,434 --> 00:07:28,000
will walk out
on bloody stumps.
173
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:30,701
[DOG BARKS]
174
00:07:30,701 --> 00:07:32,601
When was the last time
you called
175
00:07:32,601 --> 00:07:34,734
to complain
about the dog?
176
00:07:34,734 --> 00:07:37,167
Yesterday. But Marcie
said to stop calling.
177
00:07:37,167 --> 00:07:39,000
She said the ringing
makes him bark.
178
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,267
Everything
makes him bark.
179
00:07:41,267 --> 00:07:43,000
Hey, Dad, it's been
two weeks,
180
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:45,234
and you haven't even
let me see the gun yet,
181
00:07:45,234 --> 00:07:47,100
let alone pick off
a pigeon or two.
182
00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:50,567
Bud, guns are not toys.
They are lethal weapons
183
00:07:50,567 --> 00:07:53,567
and should only be handled
by responsible adults.
184
00:07:53,567 --> 00:07:55,801
When Dad was practicing
his quick draws
185
00:07:55,801 --> 00:07:57,400
at the TV
during Donahue--
186
00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:59,467
Bud, number one,
shut up.
187
00:07:59,467 --> 00:08:01,801
Number two,
it was Phil's salute
188
00:08:01,801 --> 00:08:05,033
to the Huge and Fat
Women's Caucus.
189
00:08:05,033 --> 00:08:07,968
Number three, there
were no bullets in the gun.
190
00:08:07,968 --> 00:08:11,000
Your mother took them out
and hid them for safety reasons,
191
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:12,567
and she won't tell me where.
192
00:08:12,567 --> 00:08:13,767
Guns, guns, guns.
193
00:08:13,767 --> 00:08:16,434
Can't anyone talk
about me for a change?
194
00:08:16,434 --> 00:08:19,534
Okay, Kelly.
Where were you last night?
195
00:08:19,534 --> 00:08:22,801
So, Dad, what kind
of gun did you buy?
196
00:08:22,801 --> 00:08:24,200
[DOORBELL RINGS]
197
00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:25,501
[DOG BARKS]
198
00:08:25,501 --> 00:08:26,601
Coming!
199
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:34,868
Hi, Peg.
200
00:08:34,868 --> 00:08:37,467
Borrow
a cup of kibble?
201
00:08:37,467 --> 00:08:40,434
We ran out, and
the dog's still hungry.
202
00:08:40,434 --> 00:08:41,667
What's the matter?
203
00:08:41,667 --> 00:08:44,467
The neighbor's cat
didn't fill him up?
204
00:08:44,467 --> 00:08:47,601
That cat was
taunting him, Al.
205
00:08:47,601 --> 00:08:50,133
Gee, you two
look cute.
206
00:08:50,133 --> 00:08:54,367
I can't get Al
to dress unisex at all.
207
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:56,067
This is protective gear.
208
00:08:56,067 --> 00:08:57,968
You see, Bella still
hasn't accepted us
209
00:08:57,968 --> 00:08:59,501
as his rightful owners.
210
00:08:59,501 --> 00:09:02,167
You named that dog
after Bela Lugosi?
211
00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:04,400
No. Abzug.
212
00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:07,033
We thought
it was kind of cute.
213
00:09:07,033 --> 00:09:10,000
But he won't
wear the hat.
214
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:11,601
Oh, listen Al,
by the way,
215
00:09:11,601 --> 00:09:14,400
we want to apologize
about your fence.
216
00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:15,767
What happened
to my fence?
217
00:09:15,767 --> 00:09:16,968
Bella ate
through it.
218
00:09:16,968 --> 00:09:18,501
Wow!
219
00:09:18,501 --> 00:09:19,834
It was just
a little piece.
220
00:09:19,834 --> 00:09:21,200
Yeah, not much, really.
221
00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:23,601
About the size
of a human face.
222
00:09:23,601 --> 00:09:26,601
Rhoades, what are we
going to do about this?
223
00:09:26,601 --> 00:09:29,133
Look, we'll handle this
the same way
224
00:09:29,133 --> 00:09:31,634
we dealt with
the cat incident.
225
00:09:31,634 --> 00:09:33,634
Get estimates,
and we'll make it good.
226
00:09:33,634 --> 00:09:36,100
Look, we know Bella
can be loud and annoying,
227
00:09:36,100 --> 00:09:39,000
and the whole neighborhood
hates his guts,
228
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:40,834
but at least
he's a good protector.
229
00:09:40,834 --> 00:09:43,901
Gee, Mom, that's just
what you say about Dad.
230
00:09:45,767 --> 00:09:48,801
Mount up! They just
hit the Johnsons.
231
00:09:48,801 --> 00:09:50,501
TV and major appliances.
232
00:09:50,501 --> 00:09:53,501
We're meeting
at the Bowl and Brew
233
00:09:53,501 --> 00:09:55,100
to calm
ourselves down.
234
00:09:55,100 --> 00:09:56,501
Ha! See that!
235
00:09:56,501 --> 00:09:58,501
They didn't
hit our place.
236
00:09:58,501 --> 00:10:02,200
That's what a good dog
will do for you.
237
00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:05,033
Come on.
Grab the meal and the mace.
238
00:10:05,033 --> 00:10:07,367
It's time
to feed our doggy.
239
00:10:08,634 --> 00:10:10,534
[SNORING]
240
00:10:15,601 --> 00:10:17,501
[GLASS BREAKS]
241
00:10:17,501 --> 00:10:18,834
[SNORING]
242
00:10:20,968 --> 00:10:23,534
Peg, did you
hear that?
243
00:10:23,534 --> 00:10:26,901
How could I hear anything
the way you snore?
244
00:10:28,534 --> 00:10:29,634
[THUMP]
245
00:10:29,634 --> 00:10:31,167
What was that?
246
00:10:31,167 --> 00:10:32,534
I don't know.
247
00:10:32,534 --> 00:10:33,534
[GLASS BREAKS]
248
00:10:33,534 --> 00:10:35,534
Don't worry.
I'll go check.
249
00:10:35,534 --> 00:10:37,033
No, Al!
Call the police.
250
00:10:37,033 --> 00:10:38,067
For noise?
251
00:10:38,067 --> 00:10:41,033
It might be a burglar.
Call the police.
252
00:10:42,501 --> 00:10:44,901
I can't.
Kelly's on the phone.
253
00:10:46,567 --> 00:10:47,968
What are you doing?
254
00:10:47,968 --> 00:10:49,234
Getting my gun.
255
00:10:49,234 --> 00:10:51,100
You gonna tell me
where you hid the bullets,
256
00:10:51,100 --> 00:10:52,634
or are you gonna wait
till the kids
257
00:10:52,634 --> 00:10:53,767
see our pictures
in the paper?
258
00:10:53,767 --> 00:10:55,567
Come on, Al.
I had to hide the bullets
259
00:10:55,567 --> 00:10:57,067
so Bud wouldn't find them.
260
00:10:57,067 --> 00:10:58,133
Where are they?
261
00:10:58,133 --> 00:11:00,033
They're in
the finger holes
262
00:11:00,033 --> 00:11:01,767
of your new
bowling ball.
263
00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:06,534
Oh, this is real easy, Peg.
264
00:11:06,534 --> 00:11:08,734
This is much better
than keeping them handy.
265
00:11:08,734 --> 00:11:12,767
Even an axe-wielding maniac
deserves an even break.
266
00:11:12,767 --> 00:11:14,067
Hurry, Al!
267
00:11:14,067 --> 00:11:15,868
Where's Buck?
Shouldn't he be barking?
268
00:11:15,868 --> 00:11:17,067
I don't know.
269
00:11:20,734 --> 00:11:23,501
You shiftless,
worthless, dirty...
270
00:11:35,767 --> 00:11:38,167
Peg, stay at the top
of the stairs.
271
00:11:38,167 --> 00:11:39,868
If anything happens,
272
00:11:39,868 --> 00:11:41,767
get the kids,
lock yourself in a room.
273
00:11:41,767 --> 00:11:45,267
And if Kelly's off the phone,
call the police.
274
00:11:45,267 --> 00:11:46,133
[RUSTLING]
275
00:11:48,334 --> 00:11:50,801
It's coming
from the patio.
276
00:11:50,801 --> 00:11:51,934
Oh, be careful.
277
00:11:51,934 --> 00:11:52,834
I will.
278
00:12:05,033 --> 00:12:05,934
Aah!
279
00:12:17,434 --> 00:12:19,767
Okay, creep!
I see you!
280
00:12:19,767 --> 00:12:22,367
Freeze,
or I'll shoot!
281
00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:24,133
[GUNSHOT]
282
00:12:24,133 --> 00:12:26,901
Oh, my God! Al! Al!
283
00:12:26,901 --> 00:12:28,267
Oh!
284
00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:32,067
Al, are you
all right?
285
00:12:32,067 --> 00:12:33,167
Yeah.
286
00:12:33,167 --> 00:12:34,667
What happened
out there?
287
00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:39,167
I just shot Steve
and Marcie's dog.
288
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,634
How could you
shoot a dog?
289
00:12:49,634 --> 00:12:51,767
He didn't look
like a dog, Peg.
290
00:12:51,767 --> 00:12:54,467
All I seen were these
two yellow eyes
291
00:12:54,467 --> 00:12:57,133
staring at me from the bushes
and I told him to freeze,
292
00:12:57,133 --> 00:12:59,868
and then I thought it
made a move at me
293
00:12:59,868 --> 00:13:01,567
and I panicked.
294
00:13:01,567 --> 00:13:04,267
You couldn't tell the
difference between a dog
295
00:13:04,267 --> 00:13:05,901
and a human being?
296
00:13:05,901 --> 00:13:07,701
He was wearing a hat.
297
00:13:10,868 --> 00:13:11,968
Kelly, honey,
298
00:13:11,968 --> 00:13:14,567
I was trying
to protect our family.
299
00:13:14,567 --> 00:13:15,667
That's right.
300
00:13:15,667 --> 00:13:17,467
Dad did a good thing.
301
00:13:17,467 --> 00:13:19,634
Can I go out
and see the body?
302
00:13:19,634 --> 00:13:20,934
You're disgusting.
303
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:24,200
And you're failing
five classes.
304
00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:25,467
Hey, hey,
kids.
305
00:13:25,467 --> 00:13:27,067
Listen to me.
306
00:13:27,067 --> 00:13:30,033
We can all learn
something from this.
307
00:13:30,033 --> 00:13:31,133
What, Dad?
308
00:13:31,133 --> 00:13:33,601
I don't know.
Go to bed.
309
00:13:33,601 --> 00:13:34,968
Aw, Dad!
310
00:13:34,968 --> 00:13:36,467
I wouldn't argue
with him, Bud.
311
00:13:36,467 --> 00:13:38,367
He's already
killed once tonight.
312
00:13:39,767 --> 00:13:41,868
You were
very brave, Al.
313
00:13:41,868 --> 00:13:43,133
Aww...
314
00:13:43,133 --> 00:13:46,801
Wasn't anything
that anybody else
315
00:13:46,801 --> 00:13:49,200
with the heart of a lion
wouldn't have done.
316
00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:50,534
I mean,
you should've seen me.
317
00:13:50,534 --> 00:13:51,834
Yeah, I was
a little nervous,
318
00:13:51,834 --> 00:13:54,934
but I got him right
between the eyes,
319
00:13:54,934 --> 00:13:57,801
and I'll tell you, there's not a
lot of space between those eyes.
320
00:14:01,968 --> 00:14:04,367
It was
a nice shot, Al.
321
00:14:04,367 --> 00:14:06,868
You want to go
upstairs?
322
00:14:06,868 --> 00:14:07,801
Yeah.
323
00:14:10,934 --> 00:14:12,767
[DOORBELL RINGS]
324
00:14:12,767 --> 00:14:15,934
You don't suppose
that's Steve and Marcie?
325
00:14:15,934 --> 00:14:17,634
MARCIE:
Peggy, Al,
it's us!
326
00:14:17,634 --> 00:14:19,934
It's them. What are you
gonna tell them?
327
00:14:19,934 --> 00:14:22,400
I don't know.
But if they don't bring it up,
328
00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:24,234
we don't bring it up.
329
00:14:27,467 --> 00:14:29,467
Hey! Steve and Marcie.
330
00:14:29,467 --> 00:14:32,968
What brings you two
crazy kids over here?
331
00:14:32,968 --> 00:14:34,467
We heard a shot.
332
00:14:34,467 --> 00:14:35,968
Peg, look who's here.
333
00:14:35,968 --> 00:14:38,734
It's Steve and Marcie
from next door.
334
00:14:38,734 --> 00:14:40,667
They heard a shot, Peg.
335
00:14:42,133 --> 00:14:44,968
Are you going
to say anything tonight, Peg?
336
00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:48,934
Uh...what was that
you came over here for?
337
00:14:48,934 --> 00:14:50,934
We thought we heard
a shot, Al.
338
00:14:50,934 --> 00:14:52,934
They thought they
heard a shot, Peg.
339
00:14:52,934 --> 00:14:54,634
Did you hear a shot?
340
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:57,734
Say something, Peg!
341
00:14:57,734 --> 00:15:00,234
I think if there
had been a shot,
342
00:15:00,234 --> 00:15:02,634
their dog would have
started barking.
343
00:15:07,434 --> 00:15:11,100
Look, guys, I'm really sorry
about that barking.
344
00:15:11,100 --> 00:15:13,100
Oh, hey, forget
about that.
345
00:15:13,100 --> 00:15:15,601
Listen, we're friends
and neighbors here.
346
00:15:15,601 --> 00:15:19,300
We're not gonna let some
stupid dog come between us.
347
00:15:19,300 --> 00:15:20,801
Why isn't
Bella barking?
348
00:15:20,801 --> 00:15:24,434
I haven't heard him
in a while.
349
00:15:24,434 --> 00:15:26,067
Al, tell them.
350
00:15:26,067 --> 00:15:27,100
Okay.
351
00:15:28,534 --> 00:15:30,467
See...
352
00:15:30,467 --> 00:15:33,467
I tell you,
I really love you guys.
353
00:15:33,467 --> 00:15:36,334
Do you love me,
huh?
354
00:15:37,634 --> 00:15:39,133
Well...sure, Al.
355
00:15:39,133 --> 00:15:40,467
You know...
356
00:15:40,467 --> 00:15:42,501
Not really.
357
00:15:44,100 --> 00:15:46,000
Tell them, Al.
358
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:47,934
I'm not going
to tell them anything
359
00:15:47,934 --> 00:15:50,868
till they tell me
they love me.
360
00:15:50,868 --> 00:15:52,400
What's
going on here?
361
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:53,567
All right.
362
00:15:53,567 --> 00:15:54,901
Okay.
363
00:15:54,901 --> 00:15:58,300
But you got to promise me
that you'll let me finish.
364
00:15:58,300 --> 00:15:59,767
Sure, Al.
365
00:15:59,767 --> 00:16:01,968
I shot your dog.
366
00:16:03,767 --> 00:16:04,801
I'm finished.
367
00:16:08,267 --> 00:16:09,434
Bella!
368
00:16:09,434 --> 00:16:10,434
Is he...
369
00:16:10,434 --> 00:16:11,601
Alive?
370
00:16:11,601 --> 00:16:12,767
Yes.
371
00:16:12,767 --> 00:16:13,801
No.
372
00:16:15,767 --> 00:16:17,267
Where is he?
373
00:16:17,267 --> 00:16:19,267
He's out in my yard.
374
00:16:19,267 --> 00:16:20,767
You can't miss him.
375
00:16:20,767 --> 00:16:22,133
I didn't.
376
00:16:24,601 --> 00:16:26,133
You stay here.
377
00:16:26,133 --> 00:16:27,734
I'm gonna check on Bella.
378
00:16:27,734 --> 00:16:30,200
You shot my puppy.
379
00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:31,701
Look, I'm sorry.
380
00:16:31,701 --> 00:16:33,667
We had a prowler
stalking our yard.
381
00:16:33,667 --> 00:16:35,701
Your dog came
to my defense.
382
00:16:35,701 --> 00:16:39,133
The burglar, he took a shot
at me, and I fired back
383
00:16:39,133 --> 00:16:41,133
and poor Bella
got in the way
384
00:16:41,133 --> 00:16:43,634
and was killed
in the crossfire.
385
00:16:43,634 --> 00:16:45,634
We only heard one shot.
386
00:16:45,634 --> 00:16:47,634
It was
a simultaneous exchange.
387
00:16:47,634 --> 00:16:49,133
I don't know.
388
00:16:49,133 --> 00:16:50,634
It happened so fast.
389
00:16:50,634 --> 00:16:52,200
It's all a blur.
390
00:16:57,467 --> 00:16:59,000
You shot my dog
391
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:01,868
in the middle
of a bowel movement?
392
00:17:08,734 --> 00:17:10,667
Steve, is he
really dead?
393
00:17:10,667 --> 00:17:11,834
Yes, dear.
394
00:17:11,834 --> 00:17:13,334
How do you know?
395
00:17:13,334 --> 00:17:16,334
Number one, he didn't respond
to any of my commands.
396
00:17:16,334 --> 00:17:17,501
And number two,
397
00:17:17,501 --> 00:17:19,701
his brains are
in the begonias.
398
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:24,267
You killer!
399
00:17:24,267 --> 00:17:26,534
Anyone for cake
or coffee?
400
00:17:28,167 --> 00:17:30,467
Now, listen.
I said that I was sorry.
401
00:17:30,467 --> 00:17:32,133
Let me make it
up to you.
402
00:17:32,133 --> 00:17:33,501
Let me get you
another dog.
403
00:17:33,501 --> 00:17:35,200
For what,
target practice?
404
00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:37,734
We told them not
to get a gun.
405
00:17:37,734 --> 00:17:40,667
We told you not
to get a gun.
406
00:17:40,667 --> 00:17:43,200
But you had to go out
and be Mr. Macho.
407
00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:45,300
Now you've taken
an innocent life.
408
00:17:45,300 --> 00:17:47,567
Now, wait a second.
This is not a defense,
409
00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:49,067
but that dog was
anything but innocent.
410
00:17:49,067 --> 00:17:51,734
I mean, he bit you.
He ate a cat.
411
00:17:51,734 --> 00:17:54,667
Given enough time,
he'd have robbed a bank.
412
00:17:54,667 --> 00:17:56,334
How much you
want for him?
413
00:17:56,334 --> 00:17:58,133
$1,000.
414
00:17:58,133 --> 00:18:02,133
$1,000 for a dog
that just sat there
415
00:18:02,133 --> 00:18:04,934
and let me
shoot him?
416
00:18:04,934 --> 00:18:07,000
You want to
get off cheap,
417
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:08,467
next time,
go plug a squirrel.
418
00:18:08,467 --> 00:18:09,634
All right!
419
00:18:09,634 --> 00:18:11,133
Forget the money.
420
00:18:11,133 --> 00:18:14,000
You know what I want?
421
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:17,000
Yes, I do,
and you're too late.
422
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:19,133
Peg's already got him.
423
00:18:19,133 --> 00:18:20,634
Your gun, Al.
424
00:18:20,634 --> 00:18:22,801
Give me your gun.
425
00:18:22,801 --> 00:18:24,334
All right!
426
00:18:24,334 --> 00:18:27,334
I want to take it and throw it
in the Chicago river,
427
00:18:27,334 --> 00:18:29,801
so it'll never
hurt anyone again.
428
00:18:29,801 --> 00:18:30,901
Here.
429
00:18:34,167 --> 00:18:37,367
And from now on,
we're just neighbors.
430
00:18:38,701 --> 00:18:41,400
Now I know why we got
our house so cheap.
431
00:18:45,701 --> 00:18:48,367
Well, that's done.
Where were we?
432
00:18:48,367 --> 00:18:50,167
We were going
upstairs...
433
00:18:51,300 --> 00:18:52,334
Deadeye.
434
00:18:56,467 --> 00:18:57,968
Well, all done.
435
00:18:57,968 --> 00:19:00,834
Old Bella's on his way
to the landfill.
436
00:19:04,133 --> 00:19:08,033
It cost me $20 and a six-pack
for the garbage man.
437
00:19:08,033 --> 00:19:10,567
You'd think the dollar
I give him at Christmas
438
00:19:10,567 --> 00:19:12,033
would be enough.
439
00:19:12,033 --> 00:19:14,100
Yeah. Oh, by the way,
440
00:19:14,100 --> 00:19:15,501
I washed
your killing clothes.
441
00:19:15,501 --> 00:19:17,501
Have a nice day,
honey.
442
00:19:17,501 --> 00:19:18,868
[DOORBELL RINGS]
443
00:19:26,501 --> 00:19:27,667
Hi.
444
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:28,834
Hi, Al.
445
00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:30,200
Uh, listen, uh...
446
00:19:31,501 --> 00:19:33,000
Some words were said
last night,
447
00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:35,501
and I just wanted you to know
we talked it over,
448
00:19:35,501 --> 00:19:38,000
and we understand
you didn't do it on purpose.
449
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:40,801
You didn't do it
on purpose, did you, Al?
450
00:19:42,501 --> 00:19:45,033
Steve,
I'm a pet owner myself.
451
00:19:45,033 --> 00:19:48,467
Anyway, we decided to let it go
and forgive you.
452
00:19:48,467 --> 00:19:49,968
Thanks, buddy.
453
00:19:49,968 --> 00:19:53,968
So I guess if you'll just
give me Bella's body,
454
00:19:53,968 --> 00:19:56,968
we can forget
about the whole thing.
455
00:19:56,968 --> 00:20:00,234
We want to give him
a decent burial
456
00:20:00,234 --> 00:20:03,234
you know, in our yard
under that big tree
457
00:20:03,234 --> 00:20:05,234
where he did
his business.
458
00:20:05,234 --> 00:20:08,234
Except, of course,
for that last one.
459
00:20:08,234 --> 00:20:11,734
Gee, I don't know
what to say, Steve. Uh...
460
00:20:11,734 --> 00:20:14,067
Yes, I do.
I can't let you do it.
461
00:20:14,067 --> 00:20:15,634
See, Peg and I
talked it over
462
00:20:15,634 --> 00:20:18,334
and we realized
that since I'm at fault,
463
00:20:18,334 --> 00:20:19,734
I should handle
everything.
464
00:20:19,734 --> 00:20:22,701
So let me take care
of all the arrangements, huh?
465
00:20:22,701 --> 00:20:24,501
Well, if it'll make
you feel better,
466
00:20:24,501 --> 00:20:26,133
I guess that would
be all right.
467
00:20:26,133 --> 00:20:27,367
Marcie will like that.
468
00:20:27,367 --> 00:20:29,767
We'll do it tonight
after work.
469
00:20:29,767 --> 00:20:31,133
See you then.
470
00:20:33,267 --> 00:20:34,934
Thanks, big guy.
471
00:20:34,934 --> 00:20:35,968
Oh, uh...
472
00:20:38,601 --> 00:20:40,267
Listen, uh...
473
00:20:40,267 --> 00:20:42,767
Can you bury him
with this?
474
00:20:42,767 --> 00:20:45,300
He really loved
this bone.
475
00:20:50,234 --> 00:20:51,234
Sure, buddy.
476
00:20:56,434 --> 00:20:57,601
Hey, Peg!
477
00:20:57,601 --> 00:20:59,100
I'm late for work.
478
00:20:59,100 --> 00:21:01,601
Can I ask you
to do me a little favor?
479
00:21:02,901 --> 00:21:04,267
[HUMMING "AMAZING GRACE"]
480
00:21:17,934 --> 00:21:19,200
How much
for the crate?
481
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:20,667
$150.
482
00:21:20,667 --> 00:21:22,701
$150?!
483
00:21:22,701 --> 00:21:25,567
Al, I didn't have time
to comparison-shop.
484
00:21:30,968 --> 00:21:33,801
Now I'd like
to say a few words
485
00:21:33,801 --> 00:21:36,567
about the dearly
departed.
486
00:21:36,567 --> 00:21:38,067
As you know,
487
00:21:38,067 --> 00:21:42,067
Bella was more than a dog
to Marcie and me.
488
00:21:42,067 --> 00:21:43,567
He was family.
489
00:21:43,567 --> 00:21:45,567
One of us.
490
00:21:45,567 --> 00:21:47,067
Bella
will be missed,
491
00:21:47,067 --> 00:21:50,234
but his death
was not in vain.
492
00:21:50,234 --> 00:21:53,334
He taught us about
the value of life
493
00:21:53,334 --> 00:21:55,501
and that guns
and violence
494
00:21:55,501 --> 00:21:59,067
are not the answer
to society's ills.
495
00:22:00,534 --> 00:22:03,534
And we can take consolation
in the knowledge
496
00:22:03,534 --> 00:22:07,534
that while he only lived
one year in dog's years,
497
00:22:07,534 --> 00:22:10,534
he lived seven
in people years.
498
00:22:10,534 --> 00:22:12,934
[WHISPERING]
What a great job.
499
00:22:12,934 --> 00:22:15,167
I got to
hand it to you.
500
00:22:15,167 --> 00:22:17,300
That box even
feels heavy enough
501
00:22:17,300 --> 00:22:19,467
to have a dog in it.
502
00:22:19,467 --> 00:22:21,534
What did you put
in there anyway?
503
00:22:21,534 --> 00:22:24,400
Some rocks and
your bowling ball.
504
00:22:28,167 --> 00:22:30,534
But knowing
that he's...
505
00:22:30,534 --> 00:22:31,868
right here...
506
00:22:31,868 --> 00:22:34,400
in the back yard,
507
00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:37,534
where he was
so happy,
508
00:22:37,534 --> 00:22:41,434
makes us all feel
a little less grief.
509
00:22:56,100 --> 00:22:58,033
[***]
34585
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