All language subtitles for 3rd.Rock.from.the.Sun.S02E11.Dick.Jokes.720p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.H.264-SiGMA

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,907 --> 00:00:09,744 [LAUGHTER] 2 00:00:09,778 --> 00:00:12,246 SO I SAID TO HER, "HEY, MOM, YOUR BIRTHDAY WAS LAST MONTH. 3 00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:13,615 HOIST IT UP YOURSELF." 4 00:00:13,648 --> 00:00:15,917 [LAUGHTER] 5 00:00:15,950 --> 00:00:17,586 I DON'T GET IT. WHAT ARE THEY LAUGHING AT? 6 00:00:17,619 --> 00:00:19,854 ANYWAY. I'M NOT SAYING MY MOM IS OVERWEIGHT, 7 00:00:19,888 --> 00:00:21,690 BUT SHE'S GOT THAT FLABBY SKIN UNDER HER ARM. 8 00:00:21,723 --> 00:00:22,724 YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. 9 00:00:22,757 --> 00:00:24,258 WELL, THE OTHER DAY, THIS WIND PICKS UP. 10 00:00:24,292 --> 00:00:26,127 THIS STUFF STARTS JIGGLING. 11 00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:28,897 OUT DROPPED THE TRICYCLE I LOST WHEN I WAS 7. 12 00:00:28,930 --> 00:00:30,699 [LAUGHTER] 13 00:00:30,732 --> 00:00:32,533 EXCUSE ME. YOUNG MAN. 14 00:00:32,567 --> 00:00:34,102 PERHAPS YOU CAN HELP ME OUT. 15 00:00:34,135 --> 00:00:35,804 THOSE THINGS YOU SAID ABOUT YOUR MOTHER. 16 00:00:35,837 --> 00:00:38,239 I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THEY'RE CONSIDERED FUNNY. 17 00:00:38,272 --> 00:00:40,508 WELL... UM... IS IT BECAUSE 18 00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:43,311 THE TONED ARMS THAT ONCE CRADLED YOU SECURELY 19 00:00:43,344 --> 00:00:47,015 NOW HAVE LARGE DEPOSITS OF CELLULITE HANGING FROM THEM? 20 00:00:47,048 --> 00:00:48,382 IS AGING FUNNY? 21 00:00:48,416 --> 00:00:50,451 IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT-- AND YOU! 22 00:00:50,484 --> 00:00:52,553 IS IT ALL THE ALCOHOL YOU'RE CONSUMING 23 00:00:52,587 --> 00:00:56,124 THAT MAKES IT OK TO LAUGH AT THE EXPENSE OF YOUR LOVED ONES? 24 00:00:56,157 --> 00:01:00,328 HE'S RIGHT! I LOVE MY FAT MAMA. 25 00:01:00,361 --> 00:01:02,463 AND YOU'RE A BAD MAN! 26 00:01:06,835 --> 00:01:08,402 DR. ALBRIGHT... 27 00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:11,305 HAVE YOU EVER LOST A TRICYCLE IN YOUR MOTHER? 28 00:01:13,374 --> 00:01:15,877 PLEASE, DICK. I AM IN A CRUDDY MOOD. 29 00:01:15,910 --> 00:01:19,380 THIS FUND-RAISER'S TURNING OUT TO BE A NIGHTMARE. 30 00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:20,682 [CHUCKLES] 31 00:01:20,715 --> 00:01:22,050 [CHUCKLES] 32 00:01:22,083 --> 00:01:27,121 HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! 33 00:01:27,155 --> 00:01:29,490 WELL...WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING? 34 00:01:29,523 --> 00:01:31,025 YOU JUST SAID YOU WERE IN A CRUDDY MOOD. 35 00:01:31,059 --> 00:01:35,596 OH...IT'S THESE JOKES BEN LITTMEYER GAVE ME AT LUNCH. 36 00:01:35,630 --> 00:01:37,699 BEN LITTMEYER FROM THE SOCIOLOGY DEPARTMENT? 37 00:01:37,732 --> 00:01:40,735 YES. OH, HE HAS THE BEST SENSE OF HUMOR. 38 00:01:40,769 --> 00:01:43,571 I FINALLY CONVINCED HIM TO HOST THE FUND-RAISER. 39 00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:45,406 WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK ME TO DO IT? 40 00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:48,176 I HAVE A WONDERFUL SENSE OF HUMOR. UH... 41 00:01:48,209 --> 00:01:50,244 NINA, COME IN HERE! 42 00:01:50,278 --> 00:01:52,681 I HAVE A WONDERFUL SENSE OF HUMOR, DON'T I? 43 00:01:52,714 --> 00:01:54,282 HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! 44 00:01:54,315 --> 00:01:56,150 OH... 45 00:01:58,619 --> 00:01:59,087 SEE?! 46 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:00,822 OH...DICK, YOU KNOW, 47 00:02:00,855 --> 00:02:03,391 THIS IS AN IMPORTANT FUND-RAISER FOR PENDLETON. 48 00:02:03,424 --> 00:02:06,560 AND BEN CAN GET THOSE FAT CATS TO COUGH UP SOME CASH. 49 00:02:06,594 --> 00:02:10,098 WELL, I CAN MAKE A FAT CAT COUGH. 50 00:02:10,131 --> 00:02:13,034 I CAN EVEN MAKE HIM VOMIT. 51 00:02:13,067 --> 00:02:15,136 THANKS, DICK, BUT BEN ALREADY SAID YES. 52 00:02:15,169 --> 00:02:16,838 YOU DON'T THINK I'M FUNNY? 53 00:02:16,871 --> 00:02:19,240 OH, DICK, YOU'RE...YOU'RE... 54 00:02:19,273 --> 00:02:22,476 LOVING AND INTELLIGENT AND SEXY AND-- 55 00:02:22,510 --> 00:02:24,245 AND FUNNY? 56 00:02:24,278 --> 00:02:26,380 OH! I HAVE A CLASS! 57 00:02:26,414 --> 00:02:27,615 I | FUNNY! 58 00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:28,983 I | FUNNY! 59 00:02:29,017 --> 00:02:30,051 I AM! 60 00:03:04,585 --> 00:03:07,221 HARRY. 61 00:03:07,255 --> 00:03:09,290 WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR COAT? 62 00:03:09,323 --> 00:03:11,492 I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO IT. 63 00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:14,128 SO MRS. DUBCEK LET ME BORROW THIS ONE. 64 00:03:16,164 --> 00:03:17,665 SWEET WOMAN. 65 00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:20,201 OH, SO YOU LOST YOUR COAT. TOUGH BREAK. 66 00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:25,439 I LOST MORE THAN A COAT, TOMMY! 67 00:03:25,473 --> 00:03:27,575 I LOST A FRIEND... 68 00:03:27,608 --> 00:03:29,343 A BUDDY... 69 00:03:29,377 --> 00:03:32,781 A COMPANION WHO KEPT ME WARM WHEN IT WAS COLD 70 00:03:32,814 --> 00:03:36,017 AND WARMER WHEN IT WAS REALLY SORT OF TOO HOT 71 00:03:36,050 --> 00:03:37,952 TO BE WEARING CLOTHES. 72 00:03:39,687 --> 00:03:42,223 TOMMY. 73 00:03:42,256 --> 00:03:45,193 YOU'RE THE INFORMATION OFFICER. 74 00:03:45,226 --> 00:03:46,260 WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS THING 75 00:03:46,294 --> 00:03:47,862 THEY CALL A SENSE OF HUMOR? 76 00:03:47,896 --> 00:03:50,531 ALL I KNOW IS, THAT'S NOT IT. 77 00:03:51,866 --> 00:03:53,701 LIEUTENANT, I NEED YOUR HELP. 78 00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:55,336 I NEED YOU TO FIND OUT WHAT'S FUNNY. 79 00:03:55,369 --> 00:03:58,139 OH, I CAN'T. I GOTTA BUILD A SHELF FOR THE CLOSET. 80 00:03:58,172 --> 00:04:00,108 I RAN OUT OF ROOM FOR MY SHOES. 81 00:04:00,141 --> 00:04:02,743 THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT! IT'S ABOUT ME! 82 00:04:02,777 --> 00:04:05,880 HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY? 83 00:04:05,914 --> 00:04:08,382 WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT ABOUT A SENSE OF HUMOR, ANYWAY? 84 00:04:08,416 --> 00:04:11,185 OH, COME ON, TOMMY. HAVING A SENSE OF HUMOR 85 00:04:11,219 --> 00:04:12,153 IS HAVING THE POWER 86 00:04:12,186 --> 00:04:14,989 TO TRANSFORM... SOMEONE'S MOOD... 87 00:04:15,023 --> 00:04:17,458 TO LIFT HIS SPIRIT. 88 00:04:17,491 --> 00:04:20,428 YOU GIVE IT TO SOMEONE YOU LOVE WHEN SHE REALLY NEEDS IT. 89 00:04:20,461 --> 00:04:21,629 AND I JUST FOUND OUT TODAY 90 00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:25,967 THAT MARY'S BEEN GETTING IT FROM ANOTHER MAN. 91 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:29,537 DICK, I THINK THIS WHOLE BEING FUNNY THING IS JUST...INNATE. 92 00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:30,805 WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK, LIEUTENANT? 93 00:04:30,839 --> 00:04:33,808 WHAT DO I THINK? UH... 94 00:04:33,842 --> 00:04:36,177 I THINK EITHER YOU GOT IT OR YOU DON'T. 95 00:04:36,210 --> 00:04:37,478 LOOK WHAT YOU JUST DID! 96 00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:37,745 HEY! 97 00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:41,149 OOH! 98 00:04:41,182 --> 00:04:42,984 WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU GUYS? 99 00:04:43,017 --> 00:04:45,253 COME ON! WAKE UP, YOU TWO! 100 00:04:45,286 --> 00:04:46,988 COME ON! COME ON! 101 00:04:49,423 --> 00:04:52,093 HOW AM I EVER GOING TO FIND OUT WHAT'S FUNNY? 102 00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:58,366 NO, I DON'T GET IT. GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT'S FUNNY. 103 00:04:58,399 --> 00:05:00,534 I THOUGHT THE MOVIE EMMA WAS REALLY FUNNY. 104 00:05:04,605 --> 00:05:05,673 WHAT WAS FUNNY ABOUT IT? 105 00:05:05,706 --> 00:05:07,341 IT WAS FULL OF IRONY. 106 00:05:07,375 --> 00:05:09,677 OK. SO IRONY'S FUNNY. 107 00:05:09,710 --> 00:05:11,479 SURE, BECAUSE SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING 108 00:05:11,512 --> 00:05:12,914 AND THE OPPOSITE IS ACTUALLY TRUE. 109 00:05:12,947 --> 00:05:14,548 OH, OK, LI-LIKE WHEN YOU TOLD ME 110 00:05:14,582 --> 00:05:16,050 EMMA WAS GONNA BE A REALLY GREAT MOVIE, 111 00:05:16,084 --> 00:05:19,921 WHEN ACTUALLY IT SUCKED OUT LOUD? 112 00:05:19,954 --> 00:05:23,824 WELL, APPARENTLY, IRONY IS A LITTLE TOO SOPHISTICATED FOR YOU. 113 00:05:23,858 --> 00:05:26,427 EITHER THAT, OR YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY, EITHER. 114 00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:27,495 I... 115 00:05:27,528 --> 00:05:28,930 DON'T KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY? 116 00:05:28,963 --> 00:05:29,898 I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW, 117 00:05:29,931 --> 00:05:34,468 AT CAMP I WAS VOTED "MISS WHIMSY." 118 00:05:34,502 --> 00:05:37,505 WHY? WAS "MISS IRONY" KILLED IN A CANOE ACCIDENT? 119 00:05:44,979 --> 00:05:45,479 HI, DICK. 120 00:05:45,513 --> 00:05:47,481 OH, UH, MARY. 121 00:05:47,515 --> 00:05:49,083 JUST DOING SOME READING. 122 00:05:49,117 --> 00:05:52,120 SOME...PHYSICS READING. YOU KNOW. 123 00:05:52,153 --> 00:05:54,122 THAT'S NICE. 124 00:05:54,155 --> 00:05:55,556 UH, SAY, UM... 125 00:05:55,589 --> 00:05:57,825 AN AMUSING JOKE, UH, JUST CAME TO ME. 126 00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:00,028 UH, YOU KNOW, OUT OF THE BLUE. 127 00:06:00,061 --> 00:06:01,963 UM... 128 00:06:01,996 --> 00:06:03,564 KNOCK KNOCK. 129 00:06:05,833 --> 00:06:07,168 OK. 130 00:06:07,201 --> 00:06:09,570 WHO'S THERE? 131 00:06:09,603 --> 00:06:11,872 UH... 132 00:06:11,906 --> 00:06:13,975 UM...UH... 133 00:06:14,008 --> 00:06:15,276 "WHO'S THERE," YOU SAY? 134 00:06:15,309 --> 00:06:15,876 UM... 135 00:06:15,910 --> 00:06:17,511 UM... 136 00:06:17,545 --> 00:06:19,080 UH...UM... 137 00:06:19,113 --> 00:06:21,549 UH, NINA. 138 00:06:21,582 --> 00:06:22,683 NINA WHO? 139 00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:23,784 OUR NINA! 140 00:06:23,817 --> 00:06:25,153 UH, SHE'S RIGHT HERE! 141 00:06:25,186 --> 00:06:27,956 HA HA HA HA HA HA! 142 00:06:27,989 --> 00:06:31,225 SHE--HA HA! PLEASE LET ME HOST THAT FUND-RAISER! 143 00:06:31,259 --> 00:06:34,028 NO! 144 00:06:34,062 --> 00:06:37,098 BEN LITTMEYER JUST CALLED. HE'S GONNA BE A FEW MINUTES LATE FOR LUNCH. 145 00:06:37,131 --> 00:06:38,933 OH. ANOTHER LUNCH WITH BEN. 146 00:06:38,967 --> 00:06:40,634 I SEE. 147 00:06:40,668 --> 00:06:44,172 HOW FUNNY FOR YOU. 148 00:06:44,205 --> 00:06:46,907 WELL, WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN US? WE COULD MAKE IT A THREESOME. 149 00:06:46,941 --> 00:06:48,342 I DON'T GO THAT WAY, MARY. 150 00:06:55,483 --> 00:06:57,618 FINE. 151 00:06:57,651 --> 00:07:00,989 AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST... GARLIC GUM. 152 00:07:01,022 --> 00:07:02,991 UH...OH, UH, UH, HARRY, 153 00:07:03,024 --> 00:07:03,992 HOW'D YOU LIKE A NICE PIECE 154 00:07:04,025 --> 00:07:06,961 OF PERFECTLY ORDINARY GUM? OK. 155 00:07:09,663 --> 00:07:11,399 MMM! GARLICKY. 156 00:07:11,432 --> 00:07:12,800 [THUMPING ON STAIRS] 157 00:07:12,833 --> 00:07:13,701 I HAD A GREAT DAY. 158 00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:15,036 I HAVEN'T LEARNED A THING ABOUT COMEDY, 159 00:07:15,069 --> 00:07:16,937 AND AUGUST AND I HAD A HUGE FIGHT. 160 00:07:16,971 --> 00:07:20,208 HOW'D YOU LIKE A NICE DOUGHNUT FROM THIS BAG, 161 00:07:20,241 --> 00:07:21,976 UH, LABELED, UM, "DONUTS"? 162 00:07:22,010 --> 00:07:25,813 OHHH! YOU TOUCHED DOGGY DOODIE! 163 00:07:25,846 --> 00:07:27,181 OHHH! 164 00:07:27,215 --> 00:07:29,617 SINCE WHEN IS DOGGY DOODIE MADE IN TAIWAN? 165 00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:32,386 WELL...THEY HAVE DOGS IN TAIWAN. 166 00:07:32,420 --> 00:07:33,754 BIG ONES! 167 00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:34,755 FUNNY, RIGHT? 168 00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:36,757 I DON'T KNOW. YOU KNOW... 169 00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:39,360 I DON'T THINK I'M EVER GONNA SEE MY COAT AGAIN. 170 00:07:39,393 --> 00:07:41,462 OH...UH, HARRY... WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN? 171 00:07:41,495 --> 00:07:42,963 YOU'LL FEEL A LOT BETTER. 172 00:07:42,997 --> 00:07:44,465 RIGHT HERE. 173 00:07:44,498 --> 00:07:46,834 [FARTING SOUND] 174 00:07:46,867 --> 00:07:48,169 EXCUSE ME. 175 00:07:48,202 --> 00:07:48,636 OH! 176 00:07:48,669 --> 00:07:49,903 DAMN! 177 00:07:53,607 --> 00:07:56,210 YOU KNOW...I MEAN, AT LEAST I CAN TAKE COMFORT 178 00:07:56,244 --> 00:07:58,712 IN KNOWING THAT I TREATED MY COAT WELL. 179 00:07:58,746 --> 00:08:02,016 SUCH AS YESTERDAY. IT WAS HOT ON THE BUS, 180 00:08:02,050 --> 00:08:04,218 AND I TOOK IT OFF AND FOLDED IT NEATLY 181 00:08:04,252 --> 00:08:06,720 AND PLACED IT UNDER THE SHADE OF MY FEET. 182 00:08:09,090 --> 00:08:10,158 WHAT? 183 00:08:10,191 --> 00:08:11,592 YOU LEFT IT ON THE BUS. 184 00:08:11,625 --> 00:08:13,661 NNNO! 185 00:08:13,694 --> 00:08:15,563 THEY HAVE A LOST AND FOUND, HARRY. 186 00:08:15,596 --> 00:08:18,666 OH, YOU MEAN I MIGHT SEE MY COAT AGAIN! 187 00:08:18,699 --> 00:08:21,001 OH, I AM SO HAPPY-- 188 00:08:21,035 --> 00:08:23,003 DOWN! AAH! AAH! 189 00:08:23,037 --> 00:08:25,773 DICK. I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS HUMOR THING. 190 00:08:25,806 --> 00:08:27,808 WHY DON'T YOU TRY WHAT THOSE GUYS ON TV DO? 191 00:08:27,841 --> 00:08:29,043 EVERYBODY SAYS THEY'RE FUNNY. 192 00:08:29,077 --> 00:08:30,711 OH, YEAH! THOSE GUYS! OH, YEAH, YEAH. RIGHT. 193 00:08:30,744 --> 00:08:32,280 YOU KNOW... 194 00:08:32,313 --> 00:08:33,047 HA HA! 195 00:08:33,081 --> 00:08:38,086 OOH! NYAH, NYAH, NYAH! 196 00:08:38,119 --> 00:08:39,387 OHHH... 197 00:08:39,420 --> 00:08:41,489 WHOO WHOO! WHOO WHOO! 198 00:08:45,593 --> 00:08:48,796 THE McLAUGHLIN GROUP? NO. 199 00:08:48,829 --> 00:08:50,298 THEY'RE NOT FUNNY AT ALL. 200 00:09:00,608 --> 00:09:01,409 OH, HELLO, DICK. 201 00:09:01,442 --> 00:09:02,543 HELLO, BEN. 202 00:09:02,576 --> 00:09:03,577 I'M WAITING FOR MARY. 203 00:09:03,611 --> 00:09:06,347 I'M SLEEPING WITH MARY. 204 00:09:06,380 --> 00:09:07,248 OH. 205 00:09:07,281 --> 00:09:09,850 O...K. 206 00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:10,718 SO FROM WHAT I'VE HEARD, 207 00:09:10,751 --> 00:09:13,254 YOU'RE QUITE THE PROFESSOR FUNNYPANTS. 208 00:09:13,287 --> 00:09:14,455 WELL, I-- 209 00:09:14,488 --> 00:09:15,956 IT SEEM THAT YOU HAVE MARY 210 00:09:15,989 --> 00:09:19,227 WRAPPED AROUND YOUR LITTLE FUNNY BONE. 211 00:09:19,260 --> 00:09:20,561 BUT I CAN ASSURE YOU, 212 00:09:20,594 --> 00:09:23,197 I'M A FAR TOUGHER... 213 00:09:23,231 --> 00:09:25,766 BONE WRAPPERER. 214 00:09:25,799 --> 00:09:28,702 I THINK I'LL WAIT OUTSIDE. 215 00:09:28,736 --> 00:09:31,172 MAKE ME LAUGH, FUNNYMAN. 216 00:09:31,205 --> 00:09:33,073 WELL, I'M NOT A COMEDIAN. 217 00:09:33,107 --> 00:09:36,144 IT'S JUST THAT FUNNY THINGS JUST SEEM TO HAPPEN TO ME. 218 00:09:36,177 --> 00:09:38,078 OH, REALLY? LIKE WHAT? 219 00:09:38,112 --> 00:09:39,880 LAST WEEK I WAS AT A BUS STOP, 220 00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:42,650 AND IT SUDDENLY STARTED RAINING. POURING! 221 00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:46,987 AND I LOOK OVER, AND I SEE THIS GORGEOUS GRAD STUDENT, 222 00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:48,556 AND SHE'S LOOKING AT ME 223 00:09:48,589 --> 00:09:51,825 LIKE A KID WITH BRACES LOOKING AT A CANDY APPLE. 224 00:09:51,859 --> 00:09:53,494 NO. NOT FUNNY. 225 00:09:53,527 --> 00:09:55,729 WELL, I'M ABOUT TO SAY HELLO 226 00:09:55,763 --> 00:09:59,900 WHEN I SUDDENLY REALIZE THAT MY HAIR HAS FLIPPED FORWARD. 227 00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:01,669 WELL, THERE I AM, STANDING IN THE RAIN 228 00:10:01,702 --> 00:10:03,937 WITH MY VERY OWN AWNING. 229 00:10:03,971 --> 00:10:05,606 WELL... 230 00:10:05,639 --> 00:10:07,275 FINALLY, THE BUS ARRIVED, 231 00:10:07,308 --> 00:10:09,009 AND...AND THE DOOR OPENED, 232 00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:11,245 THE--THE COMPRESSOR KICKED IN, 233 00:10:11,279 --> 00:10:14,615 AND THIS-- THIS EUROPEAN WEAVE OF MINE 234 00:10:14,648 --> 00:10:16,917 GOT SUCKED RIGHT INTO THE BUS! 235 00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,752 HO HO HO. 236 00:10:18,786 --> 00:10:21,389 THERE I WAS, IN FRONT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL GIRL, 237 00:10:21,422 --> 00:10:24,358 AND THERE I'M CHASING THAT BUS 238 00:10:24,392 --> 00:10:26,126 AND CHASING MY HAIR! 239 00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:28,262 UP AND DOWN... CHASING... 240 00:10:28,296 --> 00:10:31,131 HA HA HA HA! AND I COULDN'T-- I JUST--AAH! 241 00:10:31,165 --> 00:10:32,233 OHH! 242 00:10:32,266 --> 00:10:33,201 OHH... 243 00:10:33,234 --> 00:10:35,303 THIS IS...NOT GOOD. 244 00:10:35,336 --> 00:10:37,037 YES! YES, IT IS! 245 00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:38,472 THE BUS STOLE YOUR HAIR! HA HA HA! 246 00:10:38,506 --> 00:10:42,109 GO...CALL...911! 247 00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:43,143 [CALLING] 911! 248 00:10:43,177 --> 00:10:44,412 HA HA HA HA! 249 00:10:44,445 --> 00:10:46,480 MARY WAS SO RIGHT ABOUT YOU, BEN! 250 00:10:46,514 --> 00:10:48,949 HA HA HA HA HA HA! 251 00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:50,284 WHAT'S GOING ON? Ben: OHHH... 252 00:10:50,318 --> 00:10:53,621 BEN'S BEEN TELLING ME THE FUNNIEST STORY ABOUT THE BUS AND THE GIRL 253 00:10:53,654 --> 00:10:55,256 AND THE RAIN-- OH! 254 00:10:55,289 --> 00:10:57,258 OH! CALL 911! 255 00:10:57,291 --> 00:11:00,394 YOU'VE HEARD THIS ONE BEFORE! HA HA HA HA! 256 00:11:00,428 --> 00:11:02,630 HA HA HA HA HA! 257 00:11:08,836 --> 00:11:11,104 I--I'M TELLING YOU, BEN'S HEART STOPPING TEMPORARILY 258 00:11:11,138 --> 00:11:13,941 WAS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME. 259 00:11:13,974 --> 00:11:15,676 HE'S GETTING SOME MUCH-NEEDED BED REST, 260 00:11:15,709 --> 00:11:18,279 AND I'M EMCEEING THE FUND RAISER TOMORROW NIGHT. 261 00:11:18,312 --> 00:11:19,112 HOW'D YOU MANAGE THAT? 262 00:11:19,146 --> 00:11:20,681 I PROMISED DR. ALBRIGHT 263 00:11:20,714 --> 00:11:21,915 THAT I WOULD STICK TO BEN'S SCRIPT. 264 00:11:21,949 --> 00:11:22,416 ARE YOU GONNA? 265 00:11:22,450 --> 00:11:24,818 NO. 266 00:11:24,852 --> 00:11:26,186 ALL RIGHT. NEXT UP ON OPEN MIC NIGHT, 267 00:11:26,220 --> 00:11:30,090 VERY FUNNY MAN. PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR DICK SOLOMON. 268 00:11:34,628 --> 00:11:36,497 [SHOUTING] THANK YOU! THANK YOU! 269 00:11:36,530 --> 00:11:39,433 THANKS A LOT! THANK YOU SO MUCH! 270 00:11:39,467 --> 00:11:41,602 NOW. 271 00:11:41,635 --> 00:11:44,238 I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOME JOKES. 272 00:11:44,272 --> 00:11:46,206 JOKE ONE. 273 00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:48,342 I WENT FISHING LAST WEEK. 274 00:11:48,376 --> 00:11:51,044 MY PERMIT SAID I COULD ONLY CATCH 5. 275 00:11:51,078 --> 00:11:54,448 OH, I CAUGHT 5, ALL RIGHT, AS IN 35. 276 00:11:54,482 --> 00:11:56,049 HAA... 277 00:11:56,083 --> 00:11:58,586 [SOFTLY] haaaaa... 278 00:11:58,619 --> 00:11:59,620 WAS THAT FUNNY? 279 00:11:59,653 --> 00:12:02,823 NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. 280 00:12:02,856 --> 00:12:03,991 HA HA HA. BUT YOU KNOW... 281 00:12:04,024 --> 00:12:07,461 HA HA HA HA. POT STICKERS. WHAT ARE THEY ALL ABOUT? 282 00:12:07,495 --> 00:12:09,430 HAAA... 283 00:12:09,463 --> 00:12:11,465 HAAA! 284 00:12:11,499 --> 00:12:14,602 O-OK. JOKE NUMBER 2. 285 00:12:14,635 --> 00:12:16,437 SOME TERMITES... 286 00:12:16,470 --> 00:12:19,773 I--I MEAN, HUGE TERMITES... 287 00:12:19,807 --> 00:12:21,642 ATE MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT. 288 00:12:26,146 --> 00:12:27,648 UH, IT'S GONE. 289 00:12:27,681 --> 00:12:30,183 IT'S COMPLETELY GONE. 290 00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:31,785 THAT'S IT. THAT'S THE JOKE. 291 00:12:31,819 --> 00:12:33,687 YOU REALLY SUCK. YEAH, REALLY. 292 00:12:33,721 --> 00:12:34,922 HEY, WHERE YOU GOING? 293 00:12:34,955 --> 00:12:38,392 HEY. WAIT. WAIT. WHERE ARE YOU GOING? 294 00:12:38,426 --> 00:12:40,561 UH...HEY! LOOK! A BALD GUY! 295 00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:42,330 AM I RIGHT? 296 00:12:42,363 --> 00:12:43,697 HAAA... 297 00:12:43,731 --> 00:12:44,865 HAA! 298 00:12:48,802 --> 00:12:50,738 SO. WHO DO YOU THINK'S FUNNY IN OUR CLASS? 299 00:12:50,771 --> 00:12:52,606 UM... 300 00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:55,008 ALAN GIMBEL. 301 00:12:55,042 --> 00:12:56,610 ALAN GIMBEL? WHY? 302 00:12:56,644 --> 00:12:58,546 'CAUSE HE'S 20. HA HA HA. 303 00:13:01,615 --> 00:13:04,352 OH, SO...SO YOU THINK DUMB PEOPLE ARE FUNNY? 304 00:13:04,385 --> 00:13:07,488 IF THEY'RE THAT DUMB, YEAH. 305 00:13:07,521 --> 00:13:09,723 YOU KNOW WHO I THINK IS FUNNY? DAVID BARRISH. 306 00:13:09,757 --> 00:13:11,058 OH, YEAH. HE'S HYSTERICAL. 307 00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:12,660 HE IS SO CLEVER. 308 00:13:12,693 --> 00:13:15,463 OH, I MEANT JUST 'CAUSE HE LOOKS LIKE A BIG DORK. 309 00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:18,532 WHAT? 310 00:13:18,566 --> 00:13:20,200 ALL RIGHT, LET'S INSTALL THIS BABY. 311 00:13:20,233 --> 00:13:21,735 SWEET! 312 00:13:31,779 --> 00:13:33,146 DID YOU MEASURE THE SHELVES? YES. 313 00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:34,615 DID YOU MEASURE THE CLOSET? YES. 314 00:13:34,648 --> 00:13:38,952 DID YOU MEASURE THE DOOR? DAMN! 315 00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:40,621 IF IT'S STORAGE YOU'RE AFTER, 316 00:13:40,654 --> 00:13:43,156 YOU CAN PUT IT IN THE HALL CLOSET DOWNSTAIRS. 317 00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:44,692 LET ME--LET ME GET THE DOOR FOR YOU. 318 00:13:44,725 --> 00:13:46,827 ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. HARRY, KEEP IT SIDEWAYS. 319 00:13:50,464 --> 00:13:51,264 [TELEPHONE RINGS] 320 00:13:51,298 --> 00:13:53,401 OH, SHOOT. UH, DUBCEK, HOLD THIS. 321 00:13:53,434 --> 00:13:54,802 JA. I-- I GOT IT. 322 00:13:54,835 --> 00:13:57,104 I GOT IT. NO PROBLEM. [RING] 323 00:13:57,137 --> 00:14:00,641 I GOT IT. OK. NO PROBLEM. 324 00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:01,642 HELLO. 325 00:14:01,675 --> 00:14:04,011 YEAH, JUST A SECOND. HARRY. FOR YOU. 326 00:14:09,750 --> 00:14:12,119 HELLO. 327 00:14:12,152 --> 00:14:13,387 WRONG NUMBER. 328 00:14:15,856 --> 00:14:17,491 HMM. SHE TOOK IT DOWN HERSELF. 329 00:14:19,927 --> 00:14:21,361 AHH, IT'S ALL RIGHT. 330 00:14:21,395 --> 00:14:23,564 YOU--YOU HAD THE GUTS TO GET UP THERE. 331 00:14:23,597 --> 00:14:24,832 YOU KNOW? IT TAKES TIME. 332 00:14:24,865 --> 00:14:27,300 I HAVE TO BE FUNNY BY TOMORROW NIGHT! 333 00:14:27,334 --> 00:14:29,737 YOU'RE NOT GONNA MAKE IT. 334 00:14:29,770 --> 00:14:31,405 I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! 335 00:14:31,439 --> 00:14:34,141 WELL...DON'T OVERTHINK IT. YOU KNOW? 336 00:14:34,174 --> 00:14:37,144 JUST TALK ABOUT THINGS YOU KNOW. THAT'S WHAT I DO. 337 00:14:37,177 --> 00:14:41,749 YEAH? YOU MAKE FUN OF YOUR POOR MOTHER'S FLABBY ARMS. 338 00:14:41,782 --> 00:14:44,418 HEY, THOSE FLABBY ARM JOKES MADE HER THE MOST POPULAR SENIOR 339 00:14:44,452 --> 00:14:46,219 IN FORT MYERS, FLORIDA. 340 00:14:48,121 --> 00:14:51,124 YOU... YOU MEAN SHE DOESN'T HATE YOU FOR IT? 341 00:14:51,158 --> 00:14:53,260 HATE ME? NO. 342 00:14:53,293 --> 00:14:55,496 SHE LOVES ME FOR IT. 343 00:14:55,529 --> 00:14:57,364 [DELIBERATELY] IT'S A JOKE. 344 00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:59,500 YOU MEAN... 345 00:14:59,533 --> 00:15:02,436 TRICYCLES DON'T REALLY FALL OUT OF HER ARMS? 346 00:15:03,971 --> 00:15:05,806 UH, NO. 347 00:15:05,839 --> 00:15:09,543 OH, MY GOD! OF COURSE THEY DON'T! 348 00:15:09,577 --> 00:15:12,480 I MEAN...JUST THINK HOW FLABBY HER ARMS WOULD HAVE TO BE 349 00:15:12,513 --> 00:15:14,915 FOR A TRICYCLE TO BE UP THERE. 350 00:15:14,948 --> 00:15:16,450 AND--AND FOR SO MANY YEARS! 351 00:15:16,484 --> 00:15:20,854 AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE IT, NOT EVEN WHEN SHE TOOK A SHOWER. 352 00:15:20,888 --> 00:15:22,556 THAT'S HYSTERICAL. 353 00:15:22,590 --> 00:15:24,424 I GET IT. 354 00:15:24,458 --> 00:15:26,193 I GET THE JOKE! 355 00:15:26,226 --> 00:15:26,794 OK. 356 00:15:26,827 --> 00:15:28,161 OK. THANK YOU. 357 00:15:28,195 --> 00:15:29,597 THANK YOU SO MUCH! ALL RIGHT. 358 00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:35,035 THIS SHOULD BE FUN. 359 00:15:35,936 --> 00:15:39,573 UM...I'D LIKE TO WELCOME YOU ALL HERE TONIGHT. 360 00:15:39,607 --> 00:15:41,408 BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER, 361 00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:43,644 I THINK THAT WE SHOULD ALL ACKNOWLEDGE 362 00:15:43,677 --> 00:15:46,614 THE SENSATIONAL JOB THAT MY ESTEEMED COLLEAGUE 363 00:15:46,647 --> 00:15:48,782 DR. MARY ALBRIGHT HAS DONE 364 00:15:48,816 --> 00:15:52,953 IN ORGANIZING THIS TRULY WORTHWHILE EVENT. BRAVO. 365 00:15:57,190 --> 00:16:00,027 DON'T YOU LOVE DR. ALBRIGHT? I KNOW I DO. 366 00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:02,696 NOW...I KNOW MANY OF YOU ARE WONDERING, 367 00:16:02,730 --> 00:16:05,666 UM...WHAT'S WITH HER LONG SLEEVES? 368 00:16:05,699 --> 00:16:07,501 WELL, I'LL TELL YOU. 369 00:16:07,535 --> 00:16:10,170 IT'S TO COVER UP HER FLABBY ARMS. 370 00:16:13,874 --> 00:16:15,208 SHE SHOOK THEM THE OTHER DAY, 371 00:16:15,242 --> 00:16:17,845 AND THE DEAD SEA SCROLLS FELL OUT... 372 00:16:20,047 --> 00:16:20,948 AS SHE'S, UH... 373 00:16:20,981 --> 00:16:24,785 SHE'S QUITE OLD ALSO, YOU SEE. 374 00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:27,120 BUT, YOU KNOW, AS SWEET AND WONDERFUL 375 00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:29,356 AS--AS DR. ALBRIGHT IS, 376 00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:33,360 SHE CAN ALSO BE SOMEWHAT DOMINEERING, POWER-HUNGRY, AND HOSTILE, 377 00:16:33,393 --> 00:16:35,829 AND I THINK I'VE FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHY. 378 00:16:35,863 --> 00:16:40,000 DR. ALBRIGHT, WHILE YOU MAY NOT HAVE A MAN'S GENITALIA, 379 00:16:40,033 --> 00:16:43,103 AT LEAST YOU HAVE HIS RAZOR STUBBLE. 380 00:16:50,911 --> 00:16:53,413 OH, OH, OH, OH! AND-- AND THERE'S NINA! 381 00:16:53,446 --> 00:16:56,584 NINA IS DR. ALBRIGHT'S ASSISTANT. NINA, 382 00:16:56,617 --> 00:16:59,219 STAND UP. STAND UP. COME ON, STAND UP. 383 00:16:59,252 --> 00:17:02,322 SHOW EVERYBODY HOW YOU PUT THE "ASS" IN "ASSISTANT." 384 00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:04,625 HA HA HA HA! 385 00:17:08,261 --> 00:17:09,429 I LEFT MY COAT ON THE BUS. 386 00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:10,463 CAN YOU DESCRIBE IT? 387 00:17:10,497 --> 00:17:12,633 YES. IT HAD 8 WHEELS, HARD PLASTIC SEATS, 388 00:17:12,666 --> 00:17:16,503 AND WHEN IT STOPPED, IT WENT SSSS! 389 00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:17,971 HARRY, HE MEANS THE COAT. 390 00:17:18,005 --> 00:17:20,440 OH! OH. WELL, UM, IT KINDA LOOKED LIKE THIS ONE, 391 00:17:20,473 --> 00:17:24,077 ONLY IT WAS FURRY AND-- DON'T HAVE IT. NEXT. 392 00:17:24,111 --> 00:17:24,912 Man: NIGHT, EDDIE. 393 00:17:24,945 --> 00:17:27,615 SEE YOU MONDAY. 394 00:17:27,648 --> 00:17:29,249 HE'S GOT MY COAT. 395 00:17:29,282 --> 00:17:30,550 HARRY... 396 00:17:30,584 --> 00:17:31,952 BE A MAN. 397 00:17:38,859 --> 00:17:41,028 HEY, MISTER. 398 00:17:41,061 --> 00:17:43,363 THAT'S MY COAT. 399 00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:43,931 NO, IT ISN'T. 400 00:17:43,964 --> 00:17:46,033 YEAH. THAT'S HIS COAT. 401 00:17:46,066 --> 00:17:50,137 IF IT'S HIS COAT, HOW COME I'M WEARING IT? 402 00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:51,504 GOOD POINT. 403 00:17:51,538 --> 00:17:52,806 UNH! 404 00:17:56,677 --> 00:17:58,311 HEY, BABES. 405 00:17:58,345 --> 00:18:00,247 GOOD MORNING, DICK. GOOD MORNING. 406 00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:01,514 DID YOU SLEEP WELL? 407 00:18:01,548 --> 00:18:05,018 ONCE THE ADRENALINE WORE OFF, LIKE A BABY. 408 00:18:05,052 --> 00:18:07,788 YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'VE BEEN RIDING THE BULLET TRAIN TO YUK-VILLE, 409 00:18:07,821 --> 00:18:09,489 IT'S KINDA HARD TO SLOW DOWN. 410 00:18:09,522 --> 00:18:13,661 I'VE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT FAXING JOKES TO LENO. 411 00:18:13,694 --> 00:18:15,663 WHAT HAVE WE HERE? 412 00:18:15,696 --> 00:18:19,266 11 BANANA CREAM PIES... 413 00:18:19,299 --> 00:18:21,501 ONE FOR EVERY LETTER IN MY NAME. AM I RIGHT? 414 00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:22,970 RIGHT. RIGHT. 415 00:18:23,003 --> 00:18:25,272 AW, GIRLS... 416 00:18:25,305 --> 00:18:26,707 YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE. 417 00:18:26,740 --> 00:18:29,710 OH... WE HAD TO. 418 00:18:29,743 --> 00:18:31,945 REALLY! 419 00:18:31,979 --> 00:18:34,915 YOU WERE SO FUNNY LAST NIGHT. 420 00:18:34,948 --> 00:18:36,784 I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD HELP US OUT. 421 00:18:36,817 --> 00:18:40,520 OH, I'D BE DELIGHTED TO SHARE MY COMEDIC EXPERTISE. 422 00:18:40,553 --> 00:18:43,323 WE WHO ARE CLOWNS ARE KNOWN FOR OUR GENEROSITY. 423 00:18:43,356 --> 00:18:46,326 MAYBE YOU COULD HELP US SETTLE AN ARGUMENT WE WERE HAVING. 424 00:18:46,359 --> 00:18:48,061 SHOOT. 425 00:18:48,095 --> 00:18:50,698 WHAT'S FUNNIER... 426 00:18:50,731 --> 00:18:54,902 THIS... 427 00:18:54,935 --> 00:18:58,371 OR THIS? 428 00:18:58,405 --> 00:18:59,973 OR... 429 00:19:00,007 --> 00:19:04,812 IS 2 AT ONCE FUNNY? 430 00:19:04,845 --> 00:19:08,782 HOW ABOUT... 431 00:19:08,816 --> 00:19:10,818 THIS? 432 00:19:15,155 --> 00:19:16,489 IS THIS FUNNY? 433 00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:22,129 I THINK... 434 00:19:22,162 --> 00:19:24,031 THIS IS FUNNY. 435 00:19:24,064 --> 00:19:25,632 YOU ARE JUST SO... 436 00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:28,468 FUNNY. HEE HEE HEE! 437 00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:32,272 HA HA HA HA HA! THAT IS FUNNY! 438 00:19:49,990 --> 00:19:52,692 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HELPING US. 439 00:19:52,726 --> 00:19:55,562 I'M GLAD I COULD BE OF SERVICE. 440 00:19:55,595 --> 00:19:58,198 NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME... 441 00:19:58,231 --> 00:20:01,101 I...HAVE A CLASS TO TEACH. 442 00:20:12,079 --> 00:20:13,513 YOU KNOW, IT'S A REMARKABLE FEELING 443 00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:15,916 TO BE ABLE TO MAKE SOMEONE ELSE LAUGH. 444 00:20:15,949 --> 00:20:17,450 IT'S ALMOST AS IF YOU HAVE THE POWER 445 00:20:17,484 --> 00:20:20,420 TO GET INSIDE THEIR BRAIN AND--AND TICKLE IT. 446 00:20:20,453 --> 00:20:24,024 PSSH. I COULD DO THAT WITH A CHOPSTICK. 447 00:20:24,057 --> 00:20:25,725 IMAGINE HOW DIFFERENT WAR WOULD BE 448 00:20:25,759 --> 00:20:27,227 IF INSTEAD OF TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER, 449 00:20:27,260 --> 00:20:29,662 PEOPLE JUST SHOWED UP ARMED WITH JOKES. 450 00:20:29,696 --> 00:20:31,331 BUT YOU COULD STILL HAVE GUNS, RIGHT? 451 00:20:31,364 --> 00:20:32,499 BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, 452 00:20:32,532 --> 00:20:34,001 EVENTUALLY YOU'D STOP LAUGHING 453 00:20:34,034 --> 00:20:37,237 AND WANT TO GET ON WITH THE KILLING. 454 00:20:37,270 --> 00:20:39,406 YOU KNOW WHAT I FOUND OUT. HUMOR IS SUBJECTIVE. 455 00:20:39,439 --> 00:20:40,473 WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 456 00:20:40,507 --> 00:20:42,475 I THOUGHT THE FACT THAT NO ONE WAS LAUGHING AT YOU 457 00:20:42,509 --> 00:20:44,544 AT THE COMEDY CLUB WAS HYSTERICAL. 458 00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:45,445 I LOVED THAT. 459 00:20:45,478 --> 00:20:47,447 NO. NO, THAT WASN'T FUNNY. SEE? 460 00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:49,016 WHICH IS ALSO IRONIC. 461 00:20:49,049 --> 00:20:52,619 YOU WERE AT A COMEDY CLUB, AND NOOOO ONE WAS LAUGHING. 462 00:20:52,652 --> 00:20:54,687 HA HA! HA HA! 463 00:20:54,721 --> 00:20:57,024 SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU! 464 00:20:57,057 --> 00:21:00,193 I THINK I'M GONNA TAKE MY FURRY LITTLE FRIEND FOR A WALK. 465 00:21:00,227 --> 00:21:03,596 HE'S BEEN LOCKED IN THE BASEMENT ALL WEEK. YOU KNOW... 466 00:21:03,630 --> 00:21:06,066 WHY DO THEY CALL IT A "FUR COAT," ANYWAY? 467 00:21:06,099 --> 00:21:09,769 IT'S NOT MADE OF FUR, AND IT'S NOT A COAT. 468 00:21:09,803 --> 00:21:12,973 UH...ACTUALLY, HARRY, IT'S BOTH THOSE THINGS. 469 00:21:13,006 --> 00:21:15,408 IT WAS A JOKE. 470 00:21:15,442 --> 00:21:18,545 OH. HA HA! OH. HA HA! OH. HA HA! 32059

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