All language subtitles for 3rd.Rock.from.the.Sun.S01E03.Dicks.First.Birthday.720p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.H.264-SiGMA

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:36,137 --> 00:00:38,607 IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT. 2 00:00:38,640 --> 00:00:42,511 HARRY, COME OUT AND LOOK AT THE STARS WITH US. 3 00:00:42,544 --> 00:00:43,945 OH, NO. 4 00:00:43,978 --> 00:00:47,348 YOU'RE NOT PUTTING ME OUT FOR THE NIGHT AGAIN. 5 00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:50,251 FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU. 6 00:00:50,284 --> 00:00:52,020 FOOL ME SIX TIMES, 7 00:00:52,053 --> 00:00:54,088 SHAME ON ME. 8 00:00:54,122 --> 00:00:55,790 WHAT ARE YOU BABBLING ABOUT NOW? 9 00:00:55,824 --> 00:00:57,225 JUST SOMETHING I LEARNED 10 00:00:57,258 --> 00:00:59,460 FROM THIS SELF-HELP TAPE I BOUGHT AT A YARD SALE. 11 00:00:59,494 --> 00:01:03,565 "DR. MARTIN BLAYNE'S PATH TO PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION-- 12 00:01:03,598 --> 00:01:04,799 SAY YES TO YOU." 13 00:01:04,833 --> 00:01:06,901 THIS WILL SOLVE MY CONFIDENCE PROBLEM. 14 00:01:06,935 --> 00:01:08,136 WHY DO YOU HAVE A CONFIDENCE PROBLEM? 15 00:01:08,169 --> 00:01:11,305 WHAT ARE YOU, STUPID? 16 00:01:11,339 --> 00:01:13,141 TOMMY, WHY AREN'T YOU LOOKING AT THE STARS? 17 00:01:13,174 --> 00:01:14,943 I HAVE STUDYING TO DO, DICK. 18 00:01:14,976 --> 00:01:17,378 YOUR HOMEWORK IS TAKING UP TOO MUCH TIME. 19 00:01:17,411 --> 00:01:20,549 YEAH. NOW THEY'VE CHANGED PHYS-ED TO HEALTH CLASS. 20 00:01:20,582 --> 00:01:23,885 I HAVE TO MEMORIZE 287 DIFFERENT BODY PARTS. 21 00:01:23,918 --> 00:01:25,720 YOU HAVE AN OWNER'S MANUAL? 22 00:01:28,489 --> 00:01:30,825 HERE'S A PICTURE OF ALL THE DIFFERENT ORGANS 23 00:01:30,859 --> 00:01:32,026 IN OUR ABDOMINAL CAVITY. 24 00:01:32,060 --> 00:01:34,729 OHH! OH, GOD! 25 00:01:34,763 --> 00:01:38,733 I READ SOMEPLACE THAT YOU CAN STRETCH A MAN'S NERVE ENDINGS 26 00:01:38,767 --> 00:01:41,435 FROM NEW YORK TO SAN FRANCISCO... 27 00:01:41,469 --> 00:01:44,639 BUT HE WOULD DIE. 28 00:01:44,673 --> 00:01:48,509 LOOK. HERE'S A SECTION ON VIRGINITY AND ABSTINENCE. 29 00:01:48,543 --> 00:01:50,011 I HAVEN'T EXPERIENCED SEX YET, 30 00:01:50,044 --> 00:01:53,047 SO I GUESS THAT MAKES ME A VIRGIN. 31 00:01:53,081 --> 00:01:54,415 CONGRATULATIONS. 32 00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:55,650 THANKS. 33 00:01:55,684 --> 00:01:57,018 IT FEELS KIND OF WEIRD. 34 00:01:57,051 --> 00:01:58,620 I'M PROUD OF IT, 35 00:01:58,653 --> 00:02:01,389 BUT I'M ALSO A LITTLE EMBARRASSED. 36 00:02:01,422 --> 00:02:03,758 DO MEN HAVE ANYTHING THEY'RE BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED OF 37 00:02:03,792 --> 00:02:06,761 AT THE SAME TIME? 38 00:02:06,795 --> 00:02:11,099 DRAWING A BLANK. NO. NO, NO. 39 00:02:16,938 --> 00:02:18,139 "EZEKIEL BEGAT JEDEDIAH, 40 00:02:18,172 --> 00:02:19,841 "JEDEDIAH BEGAT EPHRAIM, 41 00:02:19,874 --> 00:02:21,542 EPHRAIM BEGAT LEMUEL." 42 00:02:21,576 --> 00:02:25,980 MAN, THESE PEOPLE BEGAT THEIR BRAINS OUT. 43 00:02:26,014 --> 00:02:27,215 GOOD MORNING, DR. SOLOMON. 44 00:02:27,248 --> 00:02:28,449 HELLO. 45 00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:29,350 WHEN'S YOUR BIRTHDAY? 46 00:02:29,383 --> 00:02:30,251 MY WHAT? 47 00:02:30,284 --> 00:02:32,386 I'M UPDATING THE OFFICE BIRTHDAY LIST. 48 00:02:32,420 --> 00:02:33,888 DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? 49 00:02:33,922 --> 00:02:35,289 ARE YOU PLEADING THE FIFTH? 50 00:02:35,323 --> 00:02:37,058 THE FIFTH SOUNDS FINE. THIS MONTH. 51 00:02:37,091 --> 00:02:40,161 AH. THAT'S THIS MONDAY. 52 00:02:40,194 --> 00:02:41,529 HOW OLD WILL YOU BE? 53 00:02:41,562 --> 00:02:42,964 WHY DO YOU NEED A SPECIFIC NUMBER? 54 00:02:42,997 --> 00:02:45,066 ARE YOU KEEPING SCORE? 55 00:02:45,099 --> 00:02:47,702 IF YOU'RE GOING TO GET SENSITIVE, NEVER MIND. 56 00:02:47,736 --> 00:02:49,871 I DON'T SEE WHY AGE IS SO IMPORTANT. 57 00:02:49,904 --> 00:02:52,206 YOU GOT A MILESTONE CREEPING UP ON YOU? 58 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:53,441 NO, NO. 59 00:02:53,474 --> 00:02:56,244 THAT'S MY UNDERWEAR. 60 00:02:56,277 --> 00:02:57,211 GOOD MORNING. 61 00:02:57,245 --> 00:02:58,312 HELLO, DR. ALBRIGHT. 62 00:02:58,346 --> 00:03:00,615 AH, LAURIE, DR. SOLOMON. 63 00:03:00,649 --> 00:03:01,515 LAURIE IVERS. 64 00:03:01,549 --> 00:03:02,483 HELLO. 65 00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:03,985 YOU HAVE A FIRM HANDSHAKE. 66 00:03:04,018 --> 00:03:04,753 THANKS. 67 00:03:04,786 --> 00:03:07,088 LAURIE'S VISITING THE CAMPUS. 68 00:03:07,121 --> 00:03:10,124 YOU ARE IN REALLY EXCELLENT CONDITION. 69 00:03:10,158 --> 00:03:11,826 THANK YOU. I WORK OUT. 70 00:03:11,860 --> 00:03:15,229 OH, I CAN TELL. IT'S VERY FIRM. 71 00:03:15,263 --> 00:03:17,932 LAURIE'S STUDYING FOR HER DOCTORATE IN ANTHROPOLOGY. 72 00:03:17,966 --> 00:03:20,001 SHE'S CONSIDERING COMING TO PENDLETON. 73 00:03:20,034 --> 00:03:21,970 YOU'VE CHOSEN A MEDIOCRE INSTITUTION, 74 00:03:22,003 --> 00:03:24,305 AND WE'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU. 75 00:03:24,338 --> 00:03:25,406 THANKS. 76 00:03:25,439 --> 00:03:28,109 WOULD YOU SHAKE MY HAND AGAIN? 77 00:03:28,142 --> 00:03:30,011 UMM...I SUPPOSE. 78 00:03:30,044 --> 00:03:31,345 OH. 79 00:03:33,081 --> 00:03:36,417 NINA, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE LAURIE TO THE LIBRARY 80 00:03:36,450 --> 00:03:38,186 TO SHOW HER THE INCA EXHIBIT? 81 00:03:38,219 --> 00:03:40,621 EXHIBIT? IT'S THREE COINS AND A SPOON. 82 00:03:40,655 --> 00:03:43,992 DON'T SPOIL IT FOR HER. JUST TAKE HER. 83 00:03:44,826 --> 00:03:45,794 IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU. 84 00:03:45,827 --> 00:03:49,130 WHAT A COINCIDENCE! IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU! 85 00:03:51,065 --> 00:03:53,034 WILL YOU ACT YOUR AGE? 86 00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:54,568 WHAT'S MY AGE HAVE TO DO WITH IT? 87 00:03:54,602 --> 00:03:55,837 LIKE YOU DIDN'T KNOW. 88 00:03:55,870 --> 00:03:57,338 I DON'T KNOW. WELL, I DO. 89 00:03:57,371 --> 00:03:59,007 WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT? 90 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:01,109 ALL I KNOW IS THAT WHEN I WAS LAURIE'S AGE 91 00:04:01,142 --> 00:04:04,378 I DIDN'T APPRECIATE HAVING MIDDLE-AGED MEN FAWN OVER ME. 92 00:04:04,412 --> 00:04:06,781 YOU WERE ONCE HER AGE? 93 00:04:09,851 --> 00:04:11,452 YES, BELIEVE IT OR NOT. 94 00:04:11,485 --> 00:04:14,288 VERY WELL. NOT IT IS. 95 00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:23,464 YOU SAY MRS. DUBCEK BROUGHT IT TO US? 96 00:04:23,497 --> 00:04:26,367 UH-HUH. 97 00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:29,537 WHAT DO YOU THINK IT WANTS? 98 00:04:30,271 --> 00:04:32,073 WHAT IS IT TRYING TO TELL US? 99 00:04:32,106 --> 00:04:33,775 THE THING THAT SCARES ME THE MOST 100 00:04:33,808 --> 00:04:37,345 ARE THE LITTLE ORANGES IN ITS STOMACH. 101 00:04:41,682 --> 00:04:43,284 HELLO. I'M DR. MARTIN BLAYNE. 102 00:04:43,317 --> 00:04:46,387 COME JOIN ME ON A PATH TO PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION. 103 00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:47,688 SAY YES TO YOU. 104 00:04:47,722 --> 00:04:50,524 YES. 105 00:04:50,558 --> 00:04:52,193 FIRST, YOU SHOULD LEARN TO BE COMFORTABLE 106 00:04:52,226 --> 00:04:53,762 TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF. 107 00:04:53,795 --> 00:04:56,064 WHEN ASKED YOUR NAME, SAY IT LOUD AND CLEAR. 108 00:04:56,097 --> 00:04:59,801 LET'S TRY THIS OUT. WHAT'S YOUR NAME? 109 00:04:59,834 --> 00:05:02,470 THAT'S A GREAT NAME. 110 00:05:02,503 --> 00:05:04,372 WHAT IS YOUR PRIMARY GOAL? 111 00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:06,440 HARRY SOLOMON. 112 00:05:07,341 --> 00:05:11,012 TOMMY, SALLY, HARRY, COME IN HERE! 113 00:05:11,045 --> 00:05:11,612 AAH! 114 00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:12,713 WHAT'S THAT? 115 00:05:12,747 --> 00:05:14,983 DON'T WORRY. WE'VE KILLED IT. 116 00:05:16,450 --> 00:05:17,585 SIT DOWN. WE HAVE TO TALK. 117 00:05:17,618 --> 00:05:18,753 WHAT IS IT? 118 00:05:18,787 --> 00:05:21,455 THERE'S AN IMPORTANT DETAIL WE FORGOT. 119 00:05:21,489 --> 00:05:22,656 WE NEED BIRTHDAYS. 120 00:05:22,690 --> 00:05:25,293 NO, THANKS. THIS GUY AT A RESTAURANT HAD A BIRTHDAY. 121 00:05:25,326 --> 00:05:29,463 THEY SET HIS FOOD ON FIRE AND BLEW ON IT. 122 00:05:29,497 --> 00:05:31,632 NEVERTHELESS, WE NEED THEM. 123 00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:33,301 WE HAVE TO KNOW HOW OLD WE ARE. 124 00:05:33,334 --> 00:05:35,203 WE'RE EXPECTED TO ACT OUR AGE, 125 00:05:35,236 --> 00:05:37,105 AND WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS. 126 00:05:37,138 --> 00:05:38,472 HOW DO WE FIND OUT? 127 00:05:38,506 --> 00:05:39,473 WE'RE SMART. WE'LL GUESS. 128 00:05:39,507 --> 00:05:41,642 HOW OLD AM I? 129 00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:42,676 I'M GONNA SAY... 130 00:05:42,710 --> 00:05:43,878 35. 131 00:05:45,814 --> 00:05:46,815 WHAT'S SO FUNNY? 132 00:05:46,848 --> 00:05:49,050 IT KIND OF SOUNDS RIDICULOUS. 133 00:05:49,083 --> 00:05:50,718 O.K. 39. 134 00:05:50,751 --> 00:05:53,021 KEEP GOING. COME ON. 135 00:05:53,054 --> 00:05:54,188 40? 136 00:05:54,222 --> 00:05:57,859 41, 2, 3, 4... 137 00:05:57,892 --> 00:05:58,626 UH...5! 138 00:05:58,659 --> 00:06:00,528 5! 5! 45! O.K. 139 00:06:00,561 --> 00:06:01,963 45's FINE. 140 00:06:01,996 --> 00:06:04,098 BODY'S BROKEN IN. STILL SOLID. 141 00:06:04,132 --> 00:06:06,767 NOT TOO OLD TO HAVE SEX. 142 00:06:08,069 --> 00:06:10,338 UH, COMMANDER, PERMISSION TO SPEAK FREELY. 143 00:06:10,371 --> 00:06:11,405 PERMISSION GRANTED. 144 00:06:11,439 --> 00:06:14,308 HUMANS OVER 35 CANNOT HAVE SEX. 145 00:06:14,342 --> 00:06:15,009 NO! 146 00:06:15,043 --> 00:06:16,110 GIVE IT UP. IT'S OVER. 147 00:06:16,144 --> 00:06:19,147 WHY? THEY HAVE THE SAME EQUIPMENT. 148 00:06:19,180 --> 00:06:21,682 'CAUSE IT'S GROSS. THAT'S WHY. 149 00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:22,817 HOW OLD ARE YOU? 150 00:06:22,851 --> 00:06:23,852 14. 151 00:06:23,885 --> 00:06:25,053 CAN YOU HAVE SEX? 152 00:06:25,086 --> 00:06:26,888 I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO. WHY NOT? 153 00:06:26,921 --> 00:06:31,292 APPARENTLY, I HAVE MY WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF ME. 154 00:06:31,325 --> 00:06:33,862 DICK, CAN I BE 70? 155 00:06:33,895 --> 00:06:34,695 WHY? 156 00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:37,598 WELL, THAT PAUL NEWMAN GUY IS 70. 157 00:06:37,631 --> 00:06:39,934 PEOPLE SAY HE LOOKS GREAT. 158 00:06:39,968 --> 00:06:41,469 DONE. YOU'RE 70. 159 00:06:41,502 --> 00:06:42,370 AND? 160 00:06:42,403 --> 00:06:44,338 YOU LOOK GREAT. 161 00:06:44,372 --> 00:06:46,307 [MOUTHS WORDS] 162 00:06:46,807 --> 00:06:48,009 SALLY, HOW OLD ARE YOU? 163 00:06:48,042 --> 00:06:50,544 WELL, WHATEVER THE PERFECT AGE IS, 164 00:06:50,578 --> 00:06:52,346 I'M IT. 165 00:06:52,380 --> 00:06:53,982 MAYBE I GOT STUCK WITH BEING A WOMAN, 166 00:06:54,015 --> 00:06:55,917 BUT AT LEAST I'M IN MY PRIME. 167 00:06:55,950 --> 00:06:59,687 CHECK OUT HOW FIRM THIS IS. 168 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:03,992 IF I WAS A GUY, I'D BE ALL OVER ME RIGHT NOW. 169 00:07:04,025 --> 00:07:07,761 IF I WAS A GUY, I WOULD BE, TOO. 170 00:07:13,067 --> 00:07:15,136 NOW THAT YOU BOYS ARE GOING THROUGH THE ROAD TO MANHOOD, 171 00:07:15,169 --> 00:07:19,507 I'M SURE MANY OF YOU HAVE NOTICED CERTAIN FEELINGS. 172 00:07:19,540 --> 00:07:21,976 WHAT IS IT, SOLOMON? 173 00:07:22,010 --> 00:07:23,344 WHAT KIND OF FEELINGS? 174 00:07:23,377 --> 00:07:24,545 YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF FEELINGS. 175 00:07:24,578 --> 00:07:26,514 UH, NO, I DON'T. 176 00:07:26,547 --> 00:07:27,715 YOU'LL KNOW WHEN YOU GET THEM. 177 00:07:27,748 --> 00:07:30,251 THEY'RE PERFECTLY NORMAL. 178 00:07:30,284 --> 00:07:32,653 FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T ACT ON THEM. 179 00:07:32,686 --> 00:07:34,488 UH, SORRY. YOU'RE LOSING ME. 180 00:07:34,522 --> 00:07:37,191 YOU PLAY SPORTS, FOCUS ON YOUR SCHOOLWORK, 181 00:07:37,225 --> 00:07:38,960 AND WHEN YOU SHOWER, 182 00:07:38,993 --> 00:07:42,263 WASH YOUR HAIR, AND GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE. 183 00:07:42,296 --> 00:07:45,133 OH! YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT SEX! 184 00:07:45,166 --> 00:07:46,100 YES. 185 00:07:46,134 --> 00:07:47,101 GREAT! GREAT! 186 00:07:47,135 --> 00:07:49,470 TELL ME EXACTLY HOW IT'S DONE. 187 00:07:51,639 --> 00:07:53,307 WELL... 188 00:07:53,341 --> 00:07:55,643 YOUR, UH...MEN... 189 00:07:55,676 --> 00:07:58,146 AND YOUR MALE AND YOUR FEMALE... 190 00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:00,848 THEY HAVE THESE CERTAIN PARTS 191 00:08:00,881 --> 00:08:02,917 THAT ARE, UH... 192 00:08:02,951 --> 00:08:06,820 HOW DO YOU CALL, UH... 193 00:08:06,854 --> 00:08:09,490 COMPLEMENTARY TO EACH OTHER. 194 00:08:10,858 --> 00:08:13,394 THESE PARTS COME INTO PLAY... 195 00:08:13,427 --> 00:08:17,765 AND THAT'S HOW WE ALL WERE BORN. 196 00:08:17,798 --> 00:08:20,334 I'M SORRY, BUT CAN WE GET SOMEBODY WHO'S ACTUALLY HAD SEX 197 00:08:20,368 --> 00:08:22,570 TO TEACH THIS CLASS? 198 00:08:22,603 --> 00:08:23,771 HEY! 199 00:08:26,707 --> 00:08:28,709 THANKS FOR SHOWING ME AROUND THE CAMPUS TODAY. 200 00:08:28,742 --> 00:08:30,811 YOU'RE A LOT OF FUN. 201 00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:32,813 I KNOW. 202 00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:34,282 LAURIE, I WAS HAVING A DISCUSSION 203 00:08:34,315 --> 00:08:36,584 WITH A YOUNG MAN LAST NIGHT. 204 00:08:36,617 --> 00:08:38,019 HE SAID THAT SOMEONE MY AGE 205 00:08:38,052 --> 00:08:40,021 WAS TOO OLD TO-- 206 00:08:40,054 --> 00:08:40,955 UH... 207 00:08:40,989 --> 00:08:42,991 JUST TOO OLD. 208 00:08:43,024 --> 00:08:44,692 THAT'S SO TYPICAL OF OUR CULTURE. 209 00:08:44,725 --> 00:08:46,727 YOU KNOW, IN MANY ANCIENT SOCIETIES, 210 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:48,362 LIKE THE INCAS, 211 00:08:48,396 --> 00:08:50,798 AGE WAS WORSHIPPED AND REVERED. 212 00:08:50,831 --> 00:08:52,033 THAT'S ALL I'M ASKING FOR. 213 00:08:52,066 --> 00:08:54,668 HA HA HA! 214 00:08:54,702 --> 00:08:57,171 EXACTLY WHEN DOES PUBERTY END FOR A MAN? 215 00:08:57,205 --> 00:08:59,607 SIX MONTHS AFTER DEATH. 216 00:09:02,010 --> 00:09:04,845 GUYS MY AGE ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO PROVE SOMETHING, 217 00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:07,315 NOT LIKE OLDER MEN. 218 00:09:07,348 --> 00:09:08,716 THEY'VE BEEN THERE. 219 00:09:08,749 --> 00:09:10,084 THEY'VE DONE IT. 220 00:09:10,118 --> 00:09:11,986 IT SHOWS. 221 00:09:12,020 --> 00:09:13,487 UH, LIKE YOU. 222 00:09:13,521 --> 00:09:15,256 YOU'VE REALLY GOT YOUR HEAD TOGETHER. 223 00:09:15,289 --> 00:09:16,757 ACTUALLY, IT CAME THAT WAY. 224 00:09:16,790 --> 00:09:19,093 HA HA HA! 225 00:09:21,462 --> 00:09:23,231 WELL, I'D BETTER GET MOVING. 226 00:09:23,264 --> 00:09:24,032 YOU ARE MOVING. 227 00:09:24,065 --> 00:09:27,535 EVERYTHING ON THIS PLANET IS MOVING. 228 00:09:27,568 --> 00:09:28,736 YOU ARE SO CLEVER. 229 00:09:28,769 --> 00:09:30,938 OH. 230 00:09:30,971 --> 00:09:32,573 WELL, BYE, DR. ALBRIGHT. 231 00:09:32,606 --> 00:09:34,542 BYE. 232 00:09:34,575 --> 00:09:35,509 SEE YA. 233 00:09:35,543 --> 00:09:38,046 BECAUSE YOU'RE STILL LOOKING. 234 00:09:45,719 --> 00:09:48,822 YOU CAN BREATHE NOW. 235 00:09:48,856 --> 00:09:51,425 HEY, IF YOU CAN CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT ME, 236 00:09:51,459 --> 00:09:53,194 WHAT WOULD IT BE? 237 00:09:55,163 --> 00:09:56,430 NOTHING. 238 00:09:56,464 --> 00:09:58,399 BINGO. 239 00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:01,802 DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS, HUH? 240 00:10:01,835 --> 00:10:05,573 CHECK THIS OUT. SEE HOW THIS CURVES IN? 241 00:10:05,606 --> 00:10:07,208 WATCH THIS. 242 00:10:07,241 --> 00:10:08,676 UPSY-DAISY. 243 00:10:08,709 --> 00:10:11,745 SPRINGS BACK JUST LIKE A CAT. 244 00:10:13,614 --> 00:10:14,615 LAURIE SAYS THAT MEN MY AGE 245 00:10:14,648 --> 00:10:17,718 SHOULD BE WORSHIPPED AND REVERED LIKE THE INCAS. 246 00:10:17,751 --> 00:10:18,852 DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S RIGHT? 247 00:10:18,886 --> 00:10:20,621 OH, YES. 248 00:10:20,654 --> 00:10:22,790 THE INCAS WOULD TAKE A PROMINENT MAN-- 249 00:10:22,823 --> 00:10:25,693 LIKE YOU-- 250 00:10:25,726 --> 00:10:27,695 AND THEY WOULD ANOINT HIM WITH OILS, 251 00:10:27,728 --> 00:10:29,230 ADORN HIM WITH ROBES, 252 00:10:29,263 --> 00:10:32,066 AND THEN THE HIGH PRIEST WOULD CUT HIM UP 253 00:10:32,100 --> 00:10:34,202 AND THEN RAM A STICK IN HIS HEAD 254 00:10:34,235 --> 00:10:36,870 AND PARADE THE HEAD THROUGH THE VILLAGE, 255 00:10:36,904 --> 00:10:40,141 AND THE YOUNG VIRGINS WOULD THROW FLOWERS AT HIM. 256 00:10:41,875 --> 00:10:43,911 WHAT KIND OF FLOWERS? 257 00:10:46,247 --> 00:10:50,618 IT SAYS HERE THIS IS GUARANTEED TO RESTORE YOUR NATURAL LUSTER. 258 00:10:50,651 --> 00:10:53,587 OH, DICK, YOU'RE GETTING YOUR LUSTER BACK. 259 00:10:53,621 --> 00:10:55,823 THAT'S WONDERFUL! HOW MUCH LONGER? 260 00:10:55,856 --> 00:10:58,426 OH, UH... TWO MINUTES. 261 00:10:58,459 --> 00:11:00,861 WELCOME BACK TO THE MISS UNIVERSE PAGEANT. 262 00:11:00,894 --> 00:11:03,631 AND NOW WE CONTINUE WITH OUR PARADE OF NATIONS. 263 00:11:03,664 --> 00:11:05,333 MISS FINLAND. 264 00:11:05,366 --> 00:11:08,402 WELL, THEY ONLY HAVE CONTESTANTS FROM EARTH. 265 00:11:08,436 --> 00:11:11,905 I THINK THIS PAGEANT IS FIXED. 266 00:11:11,939 --> 00:11:13,341 THESE WOMEN SHOULD BE ENORMOUS. 267 00:11:13,374 --> 00:11:16,977 MISS UNIVERSE SHOULD HAVE HER OWN GRAVITATIONAL PULL. 268 00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:19,947 I THINK I'M FEELING IT. 269 00:11:20,548 --> 00:11:23,451 MY PRIMARY GOAL IS TO MEET MISS FINLAND. 270 00:11:23,484 --> 00:11:26,120 I WI MEET MISS FINLAND. 271 00:11:26,154 --> 00:11:29,890 I DESER TO MEET MISS FINLAND. 272 00:11:29,923 --> 00:11:32,993 WHOA! CHECK OUT THE YAHBOS ON MISS TUNISIA. 273 00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:36,130 I DESERVE THOSE YAHBOS. 274 00:11:36,730 --> 00:11:37,631 THOSE WOMEN, 275 00:11:37,665 --> 00:11:40,568 THEY'RE ALL VIBRANT, HEALTHY, STRONG, YOUNG. 276 00:11:40,601 --> 00:11:41,835 THEY'RE JUST LIKE SALLY. 277 00:11:41,869 --> 00:11:43,737 I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS. 278 00:11:43,771 --> 00:11:47,308 EVERY TIME I TURN ON THE TV OR OPEN A MAGAZINE, 279 00:11:47,341 --> 00:11:49,009 I SEE PEOPLE LIKE ME. 280 00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:51,312 ALL THE ADS ARE AIMED AT ME. 281 00:11:51,345 --> 00:11:53,247 I AM WHAT COUNTS. 282 00:11:53,281 --> 00:11:56,116 I THINK YOU'RE FULL OF SOMETHING, LIEUTENANT. 283 00:11:56,150 --> 00:11:59,187 IF I DON'T WATCH A TV SHOW, IT'S CANCELED. 284 00:11:59,220 --> 00:12:01,489 I DON'T LIKE A SOFT DRINK? HISTORY. 285 00:12:01,522 --> 00:12:04,325 IF I DON'T LIKE A CERTAIN FEMININE PRODUCT WITH WINGS, 286 00:12:04,358 --> 00:12:07,928 THEY'LL MAKE ONE WITH A PROPELLER. 287 00:12:07,961 --> 00:12:10,364 I AM THE TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC. 288 00:12:10,398 --> 00:12:11,599 FACE IT, DICK. 289 00:12:11,632 --> 00:12:15,403 I'M YOUNG, HOT, AND ALL-POWERFUL. 290 00:12:15,436 --> 00:12:18,071 YOU JUST SAID YES TO YOU. 291 00:12:18,105 --> 00:12:19,273 [DING] 292 00:12:19,307 --> 00:12:21,475 I'M DONE. 293 00:12:21,509 --> 00:12:24,278 HOW DO I LOOK? 294 00:12:24,312 --> 00:12:26,514 UM...DICK? 295 00:12:26,547 --> 00:12:29,950 O.K., IF SOMEBODY WERE HELPING YOU WITH AN EXPERIMENT 296 00:12:29,983 --> 00:12:32,186 AND THINGS WENT AWRY, 297 00:12:32,220 --> 00:12:34,355 AND YOU BECAME HORRIBLY DISFIGURED, 298 00:12:34,388 --> 00:12:36,490 WOULD YOU HOLD IT AGAINST THEM? 299 00:12:36,524 --> 00:12:37,325 WHY? WHAT HAPPENED? 300 00:12:37,358 --> 00:12:38,125 NOTHING. 301 00:12:38,158 --> 00:12:39,693 DESTROY ALL THE MIRRORS NOW! 302 00:12:39,727 --> 00:12:41,028 NO! NO! 303 00:12:41,061 --> 00:12:42,963 I'VE GOT TO SEE! 304 00:12:42,996 --> 00:12:46,734 OH, MY GOD! 305 00:12:46,767 --> 00:12:49,737 I'M GORGEOUS! 306 00:12:59,380 --> 00:13:00,848 GOOD MORNING, NINA. 307 00:13:00,881 --> 00:13:02,616 WELL! 308 00:13:02,650 --> 00:13:04,184 GOOD MORNING. 309 00:13:04,218 --> 00:13:06,354 I WAS GOING TO ASK WHAT YOU DID THIS WEEKEND, 310 00:13:06,387 --> 00:13:09,089 BUT I THINK IT'S PAINFULLY CLEAR. 311 00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:10,057 BY THE WAY... 312 00:13:10,090 --> 00:13:12,593 HAPPY BIRTHDAY. 313 00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:19,800 MMM. 314 00:13:22,370 --> 00:13:24,405 BRACE YOURSELF. 315 00:13:26,540 --> 00:13:29,843 HELLO--OH, MY GOD! 316 00:13:29,877 --> 00:13:31,545 WHAT'S THE MATTER? 317 00:13:31,579 --> 00:13:34,147 NOTHING. 318 00:13:34,181 --> 00:13:35,683 LAURIE CALLED ME LAST NIGHT. 319 00:13:35,716 --> 00:13:38,218 REALLY? WHAT DID SHE SAY? 320 00:13:38,252 --> 00:13:41,021 [SQUEAK] 321 00:13:42,423 --> 00:13:43,257 WHAT WAS THAT? 322 00:13:43,291 --> 00:13:44,191 WHAT? 323 00:13:44,224 --> 00:13:46,460 [SQUEAK] 324 00:13:48,128 --> 00:13:49,863 THAT SQUEAKING. 325 00:13:49,897 --> 00:13:51,332 I HAVE NO IDEA. 326 00:13:51,365 --> 00:13:54,902 [SQUEAKING] 327 00:14:05,713 --> 00:14:09,417 WHAT DID LAURIE SAY WHEN YOU TALKED TO HER? 328 00:14:16,156 --> 00:14:23,096 [STIFLED LAUGHTER] 329 00:14:26,867 --> 00:14:29,236 SHE'S DECIDED TO COME HERE NEXT YEAR. 330 00:14:29,269 --> 00:14:32,172 OH, ISN'T THAT NICE? 331 00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:34,308 YES. 332 00:14:34,342 --> 00:14:36,777 UM... 333 00:14:36,810 --> 00:14:41,382 COULD YOU WALK OVER THERE AND GET ME THAT PENCIL? 334 00:14:44,885 --> 00:14:46,920 BUT YOU HAVE ONE RIGHT ON YOUR DESK. 335 00:14:46,954 --> 00:14:48,556 I KNOW, BUT... 336 00:14:48,589 --> 00:14:52,059 I NEED THAT ONE. 337 00:14:52,092 --> 00:14:53,394 O.K. 338 00:14:53,427 --> 00:14:55,763 [SQUEAKING] 339 00:15:04,972 --> 00:15:06,740 THANK YOU. 340 00:15:06,774 --> 00:15:08,642 OH! 341 00:15:08,676 --> 00:15:10,511 I GOT YOU A BIRTHDAY CARD. 342 00:15:10,544 --> 00:15:11,779 HMM. 343 00:15:11,812 --> 00:15:12,646 "HAPPY BIRTHDAY. 344 00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:14,748 YOU LOOK LIKE A MILLION DOLLARS." 345 00:15:14,782 --> 00:15:16,049 OH... 346 00:15:16,083 --> 00:15:20,220 "OLD AND WRINKLED." 347 00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:22,456 WHAT KIND OF A CRUEL HOAX IS THIS? 348 00:15:22,490 --> 00:15:23,824 IT'S A HALLMARK CARD. 349 00:15:23,857 --> 00:15:26,560 A HALLMARK OF DEGRADATION! 350 00:15:26,594 --> 00:15:29,196 THE FIRST LINE LULLED ME INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY. 351 00:15:29,229 --> 00:15:33,166 THE SECOND LINE RIPPED OUT MY HEART AND SLAPPED ME WITH IT, 352 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:35,302 AWAKENING ME TO HARSH REALITY! 353 00:15:35,335 --> 00:15:36,504 IT'S AN OLD JOKE! 354 00:15:36,537 --> 00:15:38,439 FOR AN OLD FOOL! 355 00:15:38,472 --> 00:15:40,240 WELL, I WANT NO PART OF IT. 356 00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:41,642 I'M LEAVING... 357 00:15:41,675 --> 00:15:43,544 WHILE I STILL HAVE MY DIGNITY. 358 00:15:43,577 --> 00:15:46,680 [SQUEAKING] 359 00:16:01,729 --> 00:16:03,030 CONGRATULATIONS. 360 00:16:03,063 --> 00:16:05,933 YOU HAVE COMPLETED YOUR PATH TO PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION. 361 00:16:05,966 --> 00:16:07,167 SAY YES TO YOU. 362 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:08,436 YES. 363 00:16:08,469 --> 00:16:09,703 AND NEVER FORGET-- 364 00:16:09,737 --> 00:16:11,304 WHEN THE WORLD GETS YOU DOWN, 365 00:16:11,338 --> 00:16:12,940 STAY POSITIVE. 366 00:16:12,973 --> 00:16:16,544 I'M ALMOST COMPLETELY SURE THAT I WILL. 367 00:16:18,145 --> 00:16:19,246 DAMN! 368 00:16:19,279 --> 00:16:21,348 A WRINKLE! 369 00:16:24,718 --> 00:16:27,421 I'VE PEAKED! 370 00:16:30,491 --> 00:16:32,826 TRUTH IS, TIME MEASURED IN YEARS 371 00:16:32,860 --> 00:16:33,927 WOULD HAVE NO SIGNIFICANCE 372 00:16:33,961 --> 00:16:36,430 IF THE SECOND-RATE SUN HADN'T PULLED THIS PLANET 373 00:16:36,464 --> 00:16:39,567 INTO THE SUCK-PARTY WE CALL GRAVITY, 374 00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:43,837 'CAUSING EVERYTHING ON IT TO WITHER AND DIE. 375 00:16:43,871 --> 00:16:45,172 THOUGHTS ON THAT? 376 00:16:45,205 --> 00:16:46,039 BUG? 377 00:16:46,073 --> 00:16:49,076 DOESN'T LOOK DYED TO ME. 378 00:16:50,611 --> 00:16:54,715 LET ME SIMPLIFY. IF A YEAR IS NOT A YEAR ANYWHERE BUT EARTH, 379 00:16:54,748 --> 00:16:57,417 WHAT DOES THAT MAKE TIME IN THE UNIVERSE? 380 00:16:57,451 --> 00:17:00,353 LEON, TIME IS WHAT? 381 00:17:00,387 --> 00:17:01,822 DON'T THINK, LEON, JUST ANSWER. 382 00:17:01,855 --> 00:17:03,757 TIME IS WHAT? TAKE A SHOT. GO! 383 00:17:03,791 --> 00:17:05,926 TIME IS RELATIVE? 384 00:17:07,260 --> 00:17:10,297 MY GOD, LEON! YOU'RE RIGHT! 385 00:17:10,330 --> 00:17:12,800 MY HEAD HURTS. 386 00:17:12,833 --> 00:17:15,102 LEON, I HAVE A FOLLOW-UP QUESTION. 387 00:17:15,135 --> 00:17:16,269 OHH... 388 00:17:16,303 --> 00:17:17,738 [BELL RINGS] 389 00:17:17,771 --> 00:17:19,339 SORRY. TIME IS UP. 390 00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:20,140 AND BY THE WAY, 391 00:17:20,173 --> 00:17:22,976 YOU'RE ALL 55 MINUTES OLDER. 392 00:17:24,144 --> 00:17:25,312 DR. SOLOMON. 393 00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:27,314 LAURIE! 394 00:17:27,347 --> 00:17:29,116 I COULDN'T LEAVE WITHOUT SAYING GOODBYE. 395 00:17:29,149 --> 00:17:32,586 AND I COULDN'T SAY GOODBYE WITHOUT YOUR LEAVING. 396 00:17:32,620 --> 00:17:34,588 OH, YOU CHANGED YOUR HAIR. 397 00:17:34,622 --> 00:17:37,658 FINALLY! SOMEONE NOTICED. 398 00:17:37,691 --> 00:17:39,359 LAURIE, CAR'S OUTSIDE. 399 00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:41,161 OH, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE. 400 00:17:41,194 --> 00:17:42,095 WHO'S THAT? 401 00:17:42,129 --> 00:17:44,064 THAT'S DOUG. HE'S MY BOYFRIEND. 402 00:17:44,097 --> 00:17:46,166 I THOUGHT YOU ONLY LIKED OLDER MEN. 403 00:17:46,199 --> 00:17:50,003 I DO. HE'S 29. 404 00:17:50,037 --> 00:17:52,172 BYE. 405 00:18:00,313 --> 00:18:02,482 DR. SOLOMON. 406 00:18:02,516 --> 00:18:03,350 THERE YOU ARE. 407 00:18:03,383 --> 00:18:05,485 WE WERE SUPPOSED TO MEET IN YOUR OFFICE. 408 00:18:05,519 --> 00:18:07,955 FORGIVE ME. MY TIRED BRAIN FORGOT, 409 00:18:07,988 --> 00:18:11,124 WHILE YOUR YOUTHFUL SYNAPSES STORED THE INFORMATION 410 00:18:11,158 --> 00:18:13,393 AND RETRIEVED THEM LIKE A FLASH. 411 00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:14,261 O.K. 412 00:18:14,294 --> 00:18:15,696 I'LL COME BACK. 413 00:18:15,729 --> 00:18:19,299 LEON, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING. 414 00:18:19,332 --> 00:18:22,502 LET'S SAY THAT TWO PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT AGES 415 00:18:22,536 --> 00:18:24,905 MET AT A UNIVERSITY. 416 00:18:24,938 --> 00:18:26,740 ONE IS OLDER BUT DASHING. 417 00:18:26,774 --> 00:18:28,542 THE OTHER, YOUTHFUL AND STIMULATING. 418 00:18:28,576 --> 00:18:30,744 THEY OBVIOUSLY ENJOY EACH OTHER'S COMPANY, 419 00:18:30,778 --> 00:18:34,114 BUT THE AGE DIFFERENCE KEEPS ASSERTING ITSELF. 420 00:18:34,147 --> 00:18:36,016 DO YOU THINK THAT THAT SHOULD MAKE 421 00:18:36,049 --> 00:18:38,619 A RELATIONSHIP IMPOSSIBLE? 422 00:18:38,652 --> 00:18:43,490 DR. SOLOMON, ARE YOU COMING ON TO ME? 423 00:18:43,523 --> 00:18:45,859 NEVER MIND! 424 00:18:47,561 --> 00:18:49,897 OH, DICK. 425 00:18:49,930 --> 00:18:53,233 YOUR POSTURE TELLS ME YOU'VE GOT THE BLUES. 426 00:18:53,266 --> 00:18:56,203 LET MY POSITIVE ENERGY SPARK YOU OUT OF YOUR DOLDRUMS 427 00:18:56,236 --> 00:18:57,470 AND INTO A HAPPIER-- 428 00:18:57,504 --> 00:18:58,438 OH, GO AWAY. 429 00:18:58,471 --> 00:19:02,175 I WILL, AND THANKS FOR LISTENING. 430 00:19:05,378 --> 00:19:07,147 HELLO. 431 00:19:07,180 --> 00:19:08,181 HOW YOU FEELING? 432 00:19:08,215 --> 00:19:10,718 LIKE A MILLION DOLLARS. 433 00:19:10,751 --> 00:19:12,219 I THOUGHT I'D TRY THIS AGAIN. 434 00:19:12,252 --> 00:19:13,353 UH, HERE. 435 00:19:14,988 --> 00:19:15,789 "HAPPY BIRTHDAY... 436 00:19:15,823 --> 00:19:19,059 FROM DR. ALBRIGHT." 437 00:19:19,092 --> 00:19:21,795 YOU WROTE THIS YOURSELF. 438 00:19:21,829 --> 00:19:24,264 YES. 439 00:19:24,297 --> 00:19:27,134 THANK YOU. IT'S JUST LOVELY. 440 00:19:27,167 --> 00:19:28,769 YOU'RE WELCOME. 441 00:19:28,802 --> 00:19:29,569 DR. ALBRIGHT... 442 00:19:29,603 --> 00:19:32,873 HAVE I BEEN A PERFECT ASS? 443 00:19:32,906 --> 00:19:36,076 NOBODY'S PERFECT. 444 00:19:36,109 --> 00:19:38,311 WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THIS AGE? 445 00:19:38,345 --> 00:19:41,548 YOU'RE FOCUSING TOO MUCH ON THE CONTAINER. 446 00:19:41,581 --> 00:19:43,183 THIS BODY IS NOT YOU. 447 00:19:43,216 --> 00:19:44,985 I KNOW THAT. NO, YOU DON'T. 448 00:19:45,018 --> 00:19:47,688 TRUST ME, I DO. YOU DON'T. 449 00:19:47,721 --> 00:19:48,221 IF YOU THINK-- 450 00:19:48,255 --> 00:19:50,057 SHUT UP! 451 00:19:50,090 --> 00:19:52,726 YOU'RE ONLY ON THIS EARTH A SHORT TIME. 452 00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:56,029 WELL, THAT WAS THE PLAN. 453 00:19:56,063 --> 00:19:58,565 LISTEN, IF WE'RE OVER THE HILL, 454 00:19:58,598 --> 00:20:02,936 WE MIGHT AS WELL ENJOY THE RIDE DOWN. 455 00:20:02,970 --> 00:20:05,138 THANK YOU FOR SAYING "WE." 456 00:20:05,172 --> 00:20:06,239 AH HA. 457 00:20:06,273 --> 00:20:08,809 IT JUST SLIPPED OUT. 458 00:20:22,389 --> 00:20:24,958 THE LIGHT OF THE MOON IS SO MAGICAL. 459 00:20:24,992 --> 00:20:26,393 IT SHOWS ME WHAT YOU MUST'VE LOOKED LIKE 460 00:20:26,426 --> 00:20:29,262 SO MANY YEARS AGO. 461 00:20:32,766 --> 00:20:34,534 THAT WAS... 462 00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:36,970 ALMOST BEAUTIFUL. 463 00:20:38,772 --> 00:20:42,375 SO, THIS IS YOUR FAVORITE SPOT. 464 00:20:42,409 --> 00:20:44,577 IT'S SO... 465 00:20:44,611 --> 00:20:47,047 CHEAP. 466 00:20:48,548 --> 00:20:51,118 I THINK GRAY HAIR MAKES YOU LOOK DISTINGUISHED. 467 00:20:51,151 --> 00:20:55,055 THANK YOU. YOU WOULD LOOK DISTINGUISHED WITH GRAY HAIR. 468 00:20:55,088 --> 00:20:56,890 I DON'T THINK SO. 469 00:20:56,924 --> 00:20:58,859 MEN LOOK DISTINGUISHED WITH GRAY HAIR. 470 00:20:58,892 --> 00:21:00,493 WOMEN JUST LOOK OLD. 471 00:21:00,527 --> 00:21:02,295 WHEN WOMEN GET BREASTS, THEY LOOK SEXY. 472 00:21:02,329 --> 00:21:05,398 WHEN MEN GET BREASTS, THEY LOOK OLD. 473 00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:11,138 GOOD POINT. 474 00:21:11,171 --> 00:21:13,173 HOW OLD ARE YOU? 31092

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