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1
00:00:12,847 --> 00:00:14,491
Oscar!
2
00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:16,114
Oscar! What?
3
00:00:16,183 --> 00:00:18,783
If I gave you a million guesses,
4
00:00:18,852 --> 00:00:21,064
you'd never guess what
just happened to me!
5
00:00:21,088 --> 00:00:22,671
You got arrested
for being a litterbug.
6
00:00:22,740 --> 00:00:24,006
Wrong.
7
00:00:24,074 --> 00:00:25,607
Guess where my coat is.
8
00:00:25,676 --> 00:00:27,086
You'll never guess
in a million years.
9
00:00:27,110 --> 00:00:29,272
That's easy, at the
cleaners. Wrong.
10
00:00:29,296 --> 00:00:32,046
It's at Bellevue Hospital
wrapped around a baby.
11
00:00:32,115 --> 00:00:33,265
What are you talking about?
12
00:00:33,333 --> 00:00:35,934
Less than one hour
ago in Times Square,
13
00:00:36,003 --> 00:00:37,581
I helped a woman
deliver her baby.
14
00:00:37,605 --> 00:00:38,605
Oh, I don't believe that.
15
00:00:38,672 --> 00:00:39,749
I don't believe it either.
16
00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:41,023
I ran to call an ambulance.
17
00:00:41,091 --> 00:00:42,936
When I got back, the
woman was giving birth.
18
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:44,604
I helped her right
there on the sidewalk.
19
00:00:44,628 --> 00:00:47,512
The first thing the baby saw
was an X-rated movie marquee.
20
00:00:47,581 --> 00:00:49,964
Are you serious?
21
00:00:50,033 --> 00:00:51,494
Yes. You really
did deliver a baby?
22
00:00:51,518 --> 00:00:52,817
I was standing there,
23
00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:54,931
this woman said, "Please
help me, I'm having a baby."
24
00:00:54,955 --> 00:00:56,121
Nobody paid any attention.
25
00:00:56,190 --> 00:00:57,800
People walked just,
they just went right by.
26
00:00:57,824 --> 00:00:59,835
I had to put a dime
in the parking meter
27
00:00:59,859 --> 00:01:01,299
to keep somebody
from parking on her.
28
00:01:03,246 --> 00:01:05,158
You'd better sit down,
you're shaky. Oh!
29
00:01:05,182 --> 00:01:08,283
Come on. People are
absolutely unbelievable.
30
00:01:08,352 --> 00:01:10,113
Nobody would get
me boiling water.
31
00:01:10,137 --> 00:01:13,055
I had to go into the
luncheonette and buy tea.
32
00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:16,803
The woman is naming
the baby after me...
33
00:01:16,827 --> 00:01:19,228
Unger Woo.
34
00:01:19,296 --> 00:01:21,296
Unger Woo?
35
00:01:21,365 --> 00:01:23,526
But can you imagine,
nobody even looked.
36
00:01:23,550 --> 00:01:25,095
People paid no attention.
37
00:01:25,119 --> 00:01:27,063
They just went right by. I
know it's a jungle out there.
38
00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:28,731
I can't believe it. There I was.
39
00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:30,733
I was bringing a new
life into this world.
40
00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:33,691
You should have seen
this baby right in my hand...
41
00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,860
Oh, Oscar, I...
42
00:01:35,930 --> 00:01:37,862
Yeah, nobody
cares. I feel funny, I...
43
00:01:37,932 --> 00:01:39,910
It's a jungle out
there, I'm telling you.
44
00:01:39,934 --> 00:01:41,683
Nobody's interested.
45
00:01:41,752 --> 00:01:44,436
A guy could drop dead in Times
Square and nobody would notice.
46
00:01:44,505 --> 00:01:45,505
Nobody would look up.
47
00:01:45,556 --> 00:01:47,033
People are only
interested in themselves.
48
00:01:47,057 --> 00:01:48,256
But I'm proud of you.
49
00:01:48,325 --> 00:01:50,158
I'll tell you that.
50
00:02:22,859 --> 00:02:25,794
♪ ♪
51
00:02:57,944 --> 00:02:59,861
♪ ♪
52
00:03:11,125 --> 00:03:15,060
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
53
00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:23,368
Get the door, will you, Felix?
54
00:03:25,105 --> 00:03:27,039
Will you get the door?
55
00:03:27,107 --> 00:03:31,043
Well, if the guy goes out,
doesn't tell me he's going.
56
00:03:31,111 --> 00:03:32,755
Hi, Murray. Hi, Oscar.
57
00:03:32,779 --> 00:03:34,391
Well, you all set to
go bowling? Yeah.
58
00:03:34,415 --> 00:03:36,192
I'm gonna get
the ball. All right.
59
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:37,693
Oscar! What?
60
00:03:37,717 --> 00:03:39,695
Well, you finally did it, huh?
61
00:03:39,719 --> 00:03:41,153
Felix.
62
00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:42,965
Don't play Mr. Innocent with me.
63
00:03:42,989 --> 00:03:44,600
Get him up on the couch. Yeah.
64
00:03:44,624 --> 00:03:46,602
Get some water.
Are you all right?
65
00:03:46,626 --> 00:03:48,560
Here, loosen his tie.
66
00:03:48,628 --> 00:03:49,839
It's hard.
67
00:03:49,863 --> 00:03:51,508
It's a double Windsor knot!
68
00:03:56,503 --> 00:03:58,453
I taste beer.
69
00:03:58,521 --> 00:04:01,473
Am I drunk?
70
00:04:01,541 --> 00:04:03,475
Felix, you didn't
drink anything.
71
00:04:03,543 --> 00:04:04,909
You fainted. Are you all right?
72
00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:06,895
Oh!
73
00:04:06,963 --> 00:04:08,563
Ooh!
74
00:04:08,632 --> 00:04:10,832
Oh, this whole thing
must have just got to me.
75
00:04:10,901 --> 00:04:12,145
What whole thing?
76
00:04:12,169 --> 00:04:13,830
He delivered a baby. Oh!
77
00:04:13,854 --> 00:04:15,498
A woman's baby. Oh. Really?
78
00:04:15,522 --> 00:04:16,749
Yeah. Tell him how it happened.
79
00:04:16,773 --> 00:04:19,875
Oscar, I know how it happens.
80
00:04:19,943 --> 00:04:21,309
Tell him how it
happened, will you,
81
00:04:21,378 --> 00:04:22,544
while I get my bowling ball.
82
00:04:22,613 --> 00:04:26,381
Oh, Murray, what's
wrong with people?
83
00:04:26,449 --> 00:04:31,219
They walk right by crime,
accidents, pregnancy.
84
00:04:31,287 --> 00:04:33,407
The only thing they'll
stop for is a suicide.
85
00:04:33,456 --> 00:04:35,440
People love to yell, "Jump!"
86
00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:38,427
Nobody cares!
87
00:04:38,495 --> 00:04:40,478
Now, some people care, Felix.
88
00:04:40,547 --> 00:04:42,725
You know, at the police
station, we hold classes
89
00:04:42,749 --> 00:04:45,228
for people who want to
help their fellow citizens.
90
00:04:45,252 --> 00:04:47,363
Really? Yeah, they're
called Civilian Reserves.
91
00:04:47,387 --> 00:04:49,938
I want to join those classes.
92
00:04:50,006 --> 00:04:51,817
You should, too. You'd
be a better citizen.
93
00:04:51,841 --> 00:04:53,241
I'm a good citizen.
94
00:04:53,310 --> 00:04:56,144
I vote, I cross at the green,
not in between, I post no bills.
95
00:04:56,213 --> 00:04:57,641
Come on, Murray,
let's go. You hear that?
96
00:04:57,665 --> 00:04:59,142
Sure, go ahead. Don't
worry about anything.
97
00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:00,431
Let someone else be concerned.
98
00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:01,961
How would you feel
if you were the father
99
00:05:01,985 --> 00:05:03,045
of that child I delivered?
100
00:05:03,069 --> 00:05:04,503
I'd feel awful.
101
00:05:04,571 --> 00:05:07,506
I'd have a kid named Unger Woo.
102
00:05:11,661 --> 00:05:14,107
Many concerned citizens
are getting involved
103
00:05:14,131 --> 00:05:15,775
in our training program,
104
00:05:15,799 --> 00:05:17,543
and they are now
working successfully
105
00:05:17,567 --> 00:05:18,712
in their neighborhoods
106
00:05:18,736 --> 00:05:20,714
as civilian police reserves.
107
00:05:20,738 --> 00:05:24,672
Now, uh, two of our most
recent graduates are, uh,
108
00:05:24,742 --> 00:05:26,157
Mooney and Bibbo.
109
00:05:26,226 --> 00:05:28,143
Nice uniforms.
110
00:05:29,613 --> 00:05:32,697
Uh, you have another
question, Mr. Unger?
111
00:05:32,765 --> 00:05:35,400
Yes, uh, are we responsible
for our own uniforms?
112
00:05:35,469 --> 00:05:37,447
Yes, sir, you are. Uh-huh.
113
00:05:37,471 --> 00:05:41,311
May I ask what material
they're made of if you know?
114
00:05:43,093 --> 00:05:44,359
Polyester.
115
00:05:46,479 --> 00:05:48,413
Trash.
116
00:05:48,481 --> 00:05:50,793
Now, as concerned citizens,
117
00:05:50,817 --> 00:05:53,462
you'll be acting as an
extra eye for the police.
118
00:05:53,486 --> 00:05:55,798
Now, that's why you
have been issued whistles.
119
00:05:55,822 --> 00:05:58,134
Now, if any of you
should hear any danger
120
00:05:58,158 --> 00:06:01,137
or see any danger, all you
have to do is use your whistle.
121
00:06:01,161 --> 00:06:02,355
Right?
122
00:06:02,379 --> 00:06:03,478
Okay.
123
00:06:03,547 --> 00:06:05,547
Now, Officer Greshler
will demonstrate.
124
00:06:07,818 --> 00:06:11,753
One long blast... means "help".
125
00:06:14,758 --> 00:06:16,691
Two short blasts...
126
00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:18,409
means "everything's okay."
127
00:06:18,478 --> 00:06:19,744
Hold it.
128
00:06:19,812 --> 00:06:22,013
I think we should
all write that down.
129
00:06:22,082 --> 00:06:24,494
Mr. Unger, it's
already written down.
130
00:06:24,518 --> 00:06:25,716
Yeah, I meant on paper
131
00:06:25,785 --> 00:06:27,463
so that we'll have it
with us at all times.
132
00:06:27,487 --> 00:06:30,038
All right. If you're taken
prisoner, swallow it.
133
00:06:30,106 --> 00:06:32,040
Ah.
134
00:06:32,108 --> 00:06:34,042
A little levity, huh?
135
00:06:34,110 --> 00:06:35,390
That's very good.
136
00:06:36,279 --> 00:06:38,046
All right.
137
00:06:38,114 --> 00:06:40,315
Now, I'd like to show
you some first aid.
138
00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:43,435
All right, thank you.
139
00:06:43,504 --> 00:06:44,770
Thank you, Mooney.
140
00:06:44,838 --> 00:06:46,816
Now, uh, ladies and gentlemen,
141
00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:50,776
we are going to learn about
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
142
00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:52,444
All right.
143
00:06:54,114 --> 00:06:56,674
Are there any volunteers?
144
00:07:00,186 --> 00:07:02,036
Please.
145
00:07:04,140 --> 00:07:06,074
Mr. Unger.
146
00:07:06,142 --> 00:07:09,077
He asked for me!
147
00:07:09,145 --> 00:07:11,324
Now this time, Mr. Unger,
your victim is a baby.
148
00:07:11,348 --> 00:07:12,731
Well, I'm very good with babies.
149
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:14,694
I just delivered one a couple
of days ago, right on the street.
150
00:07:14,718 --> 00:07:15,995
Goody-goody for you.
151
00:07:16,019 --> 00:07:18,903
I have two of my own.
152
00:07:18,972 --> 00:07:20,616
Unfortunately, they're
not living with me now.
153
00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:21,884
My wife and I are divorced.
154
00:07:21,908 --> 00:07:24,509
My compliments to
your ex-wife, Mr. Unger.
155
00:07:24,578 --> 00:07:25,888
May we proceed, please? Yes.
156
00:07:25,912 --> 00:07:27,123
All right. Now, please,
157
00:07:27,147 --> 00:07:29,747
put one hand under
the victim's neck.
158
00:07:29,816 --> 00:07:31,096
That's right.
159
00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:33,129
Now seal your mouth
against the victim's
160
00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:35,153
and emit air.
161
00:07:51,338 --> 00:07:53,939
Mr. Unger, Mr. Unger,
162
00:07:54,007 --> 00:07:56,942
we are not blowing
up a Goodyear Blimp.
163
00:07:58,345 --> 00:08:01,279
This is just a baby that
we are trying to revive.
164
00:08:01,348 --> 00:08:03,592
All you have to do is
just puff, just puff. Ah.
165
00:08:03,616 --> 00:08:06,684
All right, now, please,
move the head down,
166
00:08:06,753 --> 00:08:08,898
Mm-hmm. so then
lift, lift the chin up.
167
00:08:08,922 --> 00:08:10,855
Uh-huh.
168
00:08:15,845 --> 00:08:17,156
Let's take a short break.
169
00:08:17,180 --> 00:08:19,281
You gave me a defective doll.
170
00:08:19,349 --> 00:08:21,283
I'd like to see
him deliver a baby.
171
00:08:21,351 --> 00:08:23,329
You were good. I delivered
a baby on the street
172
00:08:23,353 --> 00:08:24,964
the other day, all by myself.
173
00:08:24,988 --> 00:08:27,133
Could you tell me where I could
find Murray Greshler? Oscar!
174
00:08:27,157 --> 00:08:29,135
Felix. Oscar, you came down.
175
00:08:29,159 --> 00:08:31,375
Aw, you got concerned.
176
00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:32,827
I got robbed.
177
00:08:32,896 --> 00:08:34,607
Where's Murray? What? What
happened? Where, who, why?
178
00:08:34,631 --> 00:08:36,258
On our corner. I was
trying to hail a cab
179
00:08:36,282 --> 00:08:37,393
to get to the hockey game.
180
00:08:37,417 --> 00:08:38,857
And a guy just came
and stuck you up?
181
00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:40,129
He even introduced himself.
182
00:08:40,153 --> 00:08:41,397
He said, "Hi, my name is Phil.
183
00:08:41,421 --> 00:08:42,565
Hand over your wallet."
184
00:08:42,589 --> 00:08:43,949
Then two guys run
from across the street.
185
00:08:43,973 --> 00:08:45,067
Did they come and help you?
186
00:08:45,091 --> 00:08:46,640
No. They took my cab.
187
00:08:46,709 --> 00:08:48,509
Wow.
188
00:08:48,578 --> 00:08:49,994
I'm sorry, Oscar.
189
00:08:50,063 --> 00:08:52,291
Well, what bugged me was
all those people in the street.
190
00:08:52,315 --> 00:08:53,926
Nobody stopped. Nobody
cared. I told you that,
191
00:08:53,950 --> 00:08:55,595
didn't I? I know
you told me. I know.
192
00:08:55,619 --> 00:08:56,929
Hi, Oscar. Hi, Murray.
193
00:08:56,953 --> 00:08:58,552
Listen, I was robbed.
What should I do?
194
00:08:58,622 --> 00:09:00,600
Well, I'd report it to
the police immediately.
195
00:09:00,624 --> 00:09:02,556
That's why I'm here.
196
00:09:02,626 --> 00:09:04,536
I thought maybe you'd show
me some mug shots or something.
197
00:09:04,560 --> 00:09:06,038
Oh, no, I gotta
stick around here.
198
00:09:06,062 --> 00:09:08,207
Hey, listen, go to the second
floor and ask for Cunningham.
199
00:09:08,231 --> 00:09:10,209
Never forgets a face.
Cunningham, second floor, okay.
200
00:09:10,233 --> 00:09:11,499
What did the guy get?
201
00:09:11,567 --> 00:09:12,812
Everything I had in my pocket.
202
00:09:12,836 --> 00:09:14,996
Eight dollars and a half
a tuna fish sandwich.
203
00:09:16,873 --> 00:09:19,473
Wow! Is that something, Murray?
204
00:09:19,542 --> 00:09:20,953
It's nothing in my business.
205
00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:22,121
All right. All right.
206
00:09:22,145 --> 00:09:24,123
Can I please have
your attention?
207
00:09:24,147 --> 00:09:27,548
Uh, we'll continue
with first aid a bit later.
208
00:09:27,617 --> 00:09:30,385
Now, we're gonna
have a judo class.
209
00:09:30,453 --> 00:09:33,955
I am going to be the instructor.
210
00:09:34,024 --> 00:09:37,876
I do not want any volunteers.
211
00:09:39,962 --> 00:09:42,179
I want you.
212
00:09:47,304 --> 00:09:49,237
Hey. Hi, Sherlock.
213
00:09:49,306 --> 00:09:51,239
How'd it go at
the police station?
214
00:09:51,308 --> 00:09:52,406
Did you find the picture
215
00:09:52,475 --> 00:09:54,136
of the guy who robbed
you in the mug shots?
216
00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:57,045
No, but I identified the
two guys who stole my cab.
217
00:09:57,113 --> 00:10:00,882
If you knew then
what I know now,
218
00:10:00,950 --> 00:10:02,633
he could never have robbed you.
219
00:10:02,702 --> 00:10:04,802
Yeah, what's that? Hah!
220
00:10:04,871 --> 00:10:06,991
What's that? I just
broke your arm.
221
00:10:07,039 --> 00:10:08,306
It's broken in two places.
222
00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:09,807
I could rip it out
by the socket.
223
00:10:09,876 --> 00:10:11,019
Why would you want to do that?
224
00:10:11,043 --> 00:10:12,221
Well, you were
reaching for a pencil,
225
00:10:12,245 --> 00:10:13,556
you could have been
reaching for my wallet...
226
00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:15,357
whack, no arm. What's that?
227
00:10:15,381 --> 00:10:16,526
Judo. Oh.
228
00:10:16,550 --> 00:10:17,676
We just learned that
at the Police Academy.
229
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:18,883
I don't think judo works.
230
00:10:18,951 --> 00:10:19,995
You don't? No.
231
00:10:20,019 --> 00:10:21,019
Try standing up.
232
00:10:21,070 --> 00:10:22,353
Hah!
233
00:10:22,421 --> 00:10:24,355
Again, hah? Broke your neck.
234
00:10:25,424 --> 00:10:28,026
Your head is now
totally inoperative.
235
00:10:28,094 --> 00:10:30,239
Oh, come on, will you?
No, no, I'm not joking.
236
00:10:30,263 --> 00:10:31,573
This really works. Yeah?
237
00:10:31,597 --> 00:10:32,908
Hah! Again with the hah.
238
00:10:32,932 --> 00:10:34,212
Look at this man.
239
00:10:34,267 --> 00:10:35,700
I splattered your patella.
240
00:10:35,769 --> 00:10:37,301
You'll never walk again, mugger.
241
00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:38,736
Now do you believe
me? Come here.
242
00:10:38,805 --> 00:10:40,783
I'm gonna teach you
something that will save your life.
243
00:10:40,807 --> 00:10:41,817
How can I come there?
244
00:10:41,841 --> 00:10:43,452
I got a broken
neck, a split patella,
245
00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:45,743
my arm doesn't work.
246
00:10:45,812 --> 00:10:48,012
I'm gonna tell you all
about the Civilian Patrol.
247
00:10:48,081 --> 00:10:49,681
We get to go out on patrol.
248
00:10:49,750 --> 00:10:51,082
We wear badges. We wear hats.
249
00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:52,416
They gave us this whistle.
250
00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:54,869
We blow the whistle
if there's ever a crisis.
251
00:10:54,938 --> 00:10:56,198
Whoa!
252
00:10:56,222 --> 00:10:57,884
What's with the "we"?
What's that "we"?
253
00:10:57,908 --> 00:11:00,024
I signed you up as my partner.
254
00:11:01,128 --> 00:11:03,106
You signed me
up as your partner?
255
00:11:03,130 --> 00:11:05,563
Well, I don't want to go with
Miriam; she's a scaredy-cat.
256
00:11:05,632 --> 00:11:08,127
How could you put my name
down without asking me?
257
00:11:08,151 --> 00:11:10,501
Why not? You complained
about public apathy.
258
00:11:10,570 --> 00:11:11,981
I'm getting the whole
building involved.
259
00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:13,571
You don't want to
be the only holdout.
260
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:14,851
Oh, but I don't believe
this Civilian Patrol
261
00:11:14,875 --> 00:11:15,807
is going to do any good.
262
00:11:15,876 --> 00:11:17,386
You don't? No, I don't.
263
00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:18,621
I'll show you something. What?
264
00:11:18,645 --> 00:11:19,645
You're a mugger.
265
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:21,090
Now, put your fingers
together like that.
266
00:11:21,114 --> 00:11:22,458
Like what? Just like that.
267
00:11:22,482 --> 00:11:23,576
Like that? Hah!
268
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:24,865
Try to get them apart.
269
00:11:24,934 --> 00:11:25,934
You can't do it.
270
00:11:25,968 --> 00:11:27,146
No, and I can't get the mugger
271
00:11:27,170 --> 00:11:29,047
to put his fingers
together like that either.
272
00:11:29,071 --> 00:11:31,406
I'll show you something else.
273
00:11:31,475 --> 00:11:33,091
Now, come at me with a gun.
274
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:36,694
Pow!
275
00:11:36,763 --> 00:11:38,229
All right, we'll
forget about guns.
276
00:11:38,297 --> 00:11:39,892
Now, we'll have a
real-life street scene.
277
00:11:39,916 --> 00:11:41,599
All right, you're going
to try to mug me.
278
00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:43,334
You're hiding behind
here, hide back here.
279
00:11:43,403 --> 00:11:44,602
This is a fire hydrant.
280
00:11:44,671 --> 00:11:47,231
What am I going
to do, mug a dog?
281
00:11:49,442 --> 00:11:51,843
I'll be walking along, you're
going to throw a right at me.
282
00:11:51,912 --> 00:11:53,011
I'm gonna grab your arm,
283
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:55,113
I'm gonna flip you over
my shoulder senseless.
284
00:11:55,182 --> 00:11:56,659
You're going to flip
me over your shoulder?
285
00:11:56,683 --> 00:11:58,627
I just did it to Miriam;
it works like a charm.
286
00:11:58,651 --> 00:11:59,917
Don't worry about it.
287
00:11:59,986 --> 00:12:01,569
Now here I come along,
288
00:12:01,638 --> 00:12:04,906
I'm walking along nonchalant...
289
00:12:04,975 --> 00:12:07,208
Hah!
290
00:12:08,645 --> 00:12:10,623
I thought you were gonna
put me over your shoulder.
291
00:12:10,647 --> 00:12:12,291
Yeah, yeah, but
it works, you see.
292
00:12:12,315 --> 00:12:15,082
Is this the way we're gonna
walk to the police station?
293
00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:18,419
Felix, you're supposed
to blow your whistle
294
00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:19,921
if you get into any trouble.
295
00:12:19,990 --> 00:12:23,157
I know, but if he attacks
me, I'm gonna flip him.
296
00:12:23,226 --> 00:12:25,666
Wait... All right, all
right, okay, okay, okay.
297
00:12:25,729 --> 00:12:27,177
I'll go on patrol with you.
298
00:12:27,246 --> 00:12:29,527
Ah, you feel safe
with me, huh? No.
299
00:12:29,566 --> 00:12:31,660
But while you're carrying
the mugger on your back,
300
00:12:31,684 --> 00:12:33,884
you're gonna need
somebody to blow the whistle.
301
00:12:43,029 --> 00:12:45,112
Oh, boy!
302
00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:48,850
You're a fine-looking
officer, you know that?
303
00:12:48,919 --> 00:12:50,117
Thank you, sir.
304
00:12:50,186 --> 00:12:51,419
May I help you, sir?
305
00:12:51,487 --> 00:12:52,607
Metropolitan Opera House?
306
00:12:52,655 --> 00:12:55,790
Four blocks to your right, sir.
307
00:12:55,858 --> 00:12:57,058
Thank you, Luigi.
308
00:12:57,126 --> 00:13:00,027
Thank you for the apple.
309
00:13:00,096 --> 00:13:01,462
Stop thief!
310
00:13:02,832 --> 00:13:04,032
You know you're not supposed
311
00:13:04,100 --> 00:13:06,111
to blow that whistle
unless there's a crisis.
312
00:13:06,135 --> 00:13:07,579
It's a crisis looking at you.
313
00:13:07,603 --> 00:13:08,881
Let me... What?
314
00:13:08,905 --> 00:13:10,399
Oh, Oscar, look at you.
315
00:13:10,423 --> 00:13:11,622
What's the matter?
316
00:13:11,691 --> 00:13:13,536
Well, you've got a
cigar in your face.
317
00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:15,170
Your badge is on the wrong side.
318
00:13:15,194 --> 00:13:17,506
It's supposed to be over here.
319
00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:19,392
You're wearing white sox.
320
00:13:19,416 --> 00:13:21,093
What have you got to say?
321
00:13:21,117 --> 00:13:22,467
Let's go is what I say.
322
00:13:22,536 --> 00:13:23,901
If you don't respect
your uniform,
323
00:13:23,970 --> 00:13:25,836
it won't respect you.
324
00:13:25,905 --> 00:13:28,039
Let me see your hands.
325
00:13:28,107 --> 00:13:29,541
Good, they're clean.
326
00:13:29,609 --> 00:13:32,121
What difference does that
make? Well, if you frisk a man,
327
00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:34,457
you don't want to soil his
clothing, do you? Oh! Come on!
328
00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:35,791
Where's your hat? Here. Here.
329
00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,560
Not that hat. The regulation
hat they issued you.
330
00:13:37,584 --> 00:13:39,562
I don't want to wear it.
You've got to wear it. Put it on.
331
00:13:39,586 --> 00:13:41,118
No. Where is it?
332
00:13:41,188 --> 00:13:43,449
It's in the closet, but I don't
want to wear it. Why not?
333
00:13:43,473 --> 00:13:46,357
Because it doesn't fit!
334
00:13:48,394 --> 00:13:50,644
Carry it, then.
335
00:13:57,787 --> 00:13:59,520
What are you doing now?
336
00:13:59,589 --> 00:14:02,323
Just checking the premises.
337
00:14:02,392 --> 00:14:04,303
Looks like an all clear to me.
338
00:14:04,327 --> 00:14:06,260
Let's go.
339
00:14:09,265 --> 00:14:10,931
Uh-oh. This looks
like trouble. Cover me.
340
00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:12,232
What's up? Wait, wait.
341
00:14:12,302 --> 00:14:13,879
Hold it right there, mister.
342
00:14:13,903 --> 00:14:16,770
My partner and I would
like a word with you.
343
00:14:16,839 --> 00:14:18,789
What partner?
344
00:14:22,262 --> 00:14:23,460
I've got a partner.
345
00:14:23,529 --> 00:14:25,462
He's out checking
other wrongdoers.
346
00:14:25,531 --> 00:14:27,365
What's that you got there?
347
00:14:27,433 --> 00:14:28,766
You mean this item?
348
00:14:28,834 --> 00:14:30,012
It's my TV set.
349
00:14:30,036 --> 00:14:31,163
Who are you?
350
00:14:31,187 --> 00:14:33,238
I'll ask the questions.
351
00:14:33,306 --> 00:14:34,505
We're Civilian Patrol.
352
00:14:34,574 --> 00:14:36,107
Who are you?
353
00:14:36,176 --> 00:14:38,004
Mort Bennick, 11-0-3.
354
00:14:38,028 --> 00:14:40,178
Oh, yeah? I live right
in that apartment there.
355
00:14:40,246 --> 00:14:42,413
I happen to know that's
Filerman's apartment.
356
00:14:42,481 --> 00:14:44,760
He went to Europe.
I'm subletting.
357
00:14:44,784 --> 00:14:48,519
Sure, and all
aspirins are alike.
358
00:14:51,441 --> 00:14:53,869
You always walk
around carrying a TV set?
359
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:54,992
No, do you?
360
00:14:55,061 --> 00:14:57,540
All right, no more Mr. Nice Guy.
361
00:14:57,564 --> 00:14:58,844
Come on, let's go.
362
00:14:58,882 --> 00:15:00,442
We'll go down to the
station. Now, come on.
363
00:15:00,466 --> 00:15:01,944
There's my partner.
Now, where were you?
364
00:15:01,968 --> 00:15:03,050
On the fourth floor.
365
00:15:03,119 --> 00:15:04,285
What's going on here?
366
00:15:04,354 --> 00:15:06,432
I caught this bimbo
stealing a TV set.
367
00:15:06,456 --> 00:15:08,000
What are you talking about?
368
00:15:08,024 --> 00:15:09,256
This is my TV set.
369
00:15:09,325 --> 00:15:11,885
Oh, yeah? What's
the serial number?
370
00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:15,646
How should I know
the serial number?
371
00:15:15,714 --> 00:15:18,316
Do you know your serial
number on your TV?
372
00:15:18,384 --> 00:15:22,303
96133F.
373
00:15:22,371 --> 00:15:24,956
You shouldn't have
asked. Let's go, loser.
374
00:15:25,024 --> 00:15:26,969
Down to the station house,
come on, let's... Just stand there.
375
00:15:26,993 --> 00:15:28,404
Can I talk to you for a second?
376
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:29,871
Against the wall.
Don't try anything funny.
377
00:15:29,895 --> 00:15:31,407
I've got eyes in the
back of my head.
378
00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:33,530
Felix, can I talk to
you? Look, you...
379
00:15:33,599 --> 00:15:36,968
Hey, you can't arrest a man just
because he's carrying a TV set.
380
00:15:37,036 --> 00:15:39,247
I can smell a crime a mile away.
381
00:15:39,271 --> 00:15:42,372
I think we can get a full
confession out of this baby.
382
00:15:42,441 --> 00:15:45,001
I'll be the good cop,
you be the bad cop.
383
00:15:49,348 --> 00:15:52,149
All right, bozo, looks
as though you're in luck.
384
00:15:52,218 --> 00:15:53,784
Bozo?
385
00:15:53,853 --> 00:15:55,664
I want to go easy on you,
386
00:15:55,688 --> 00:15:58,248
but my partner here wants
to beat you senseless.
387
00:16:01,977 --> 00:16:04,156
I think if you give
us a full confession,
388
00:16:04,180 --> 00:16:05,857
I can get him to calm down.
389
00:16:05,881 --> 00:16:07,026
He's an animal.
390
00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:08,193
Want a cigarette?
391
00:16:08,217 --> 00:16:09,728
I'm sorry, I don't smoke.
392
00:16:09,752 --> 00:16:12,586
Does the police know
about you two guys?
393
00:16:12,655 --> 00:16:14,566
All right, buster,
you asked for it.
394
00:16:14,590 --> 00:16:16,890
Go ahead, Oscar, do
what you have to do.
395
00:16:16,959 --> 00:16:19,593
Look, you look like a
nice guy, so you can go.
396
00:16:19,662 --> 00:16:20,906
Thanks. Good-bye. No! No!
397
00:16:20,930 --> 00:16:22,374
Felix, what's the
matter with you?
398
00:16:22,398 --> 00:16:23,909
Cover me, Oscar.
399
00:16:23,933 --> 00:16:25,232
What? What's going on?
400
00:16:25,301 --> 00:16:27,734
What are they doing to you,
Mort? For goodness sakes.
401
00:16:27,803 --> 00:16:29,081
Do you know this man?
402
00:16:29,105 --> 00:16:30,788
I'm his wife.
403
00:16:30,857 --> 00:16:33,218
Maybe you'd better
frisk his wife, too.
404
00:16:33,242 --> 00:16:37,328
Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm
so sorry. I didn't know.
405
00:16:37,397 --> 00:16:39,647
I saw you walking
with a TV set, and I...
406
00:16:39,715 --> 00:16:41,649
I was taking it down
to get it repaired.
407
00:16:41,717 --> 00:16:43,884
Oh, oh. Since you
were going to have it
408
00:16:43,953 --> 00:16:45,302
repaired anyway,
409
00:16:45,371 --> 00:16:47,804
do you think the
warranty is still good on it?
410
00:16:47,873 --> 00:16:49,273
Let me take care of it.
411
00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:51,458
Send me the bill,
please let me do it.
412
00:16:51,527 --> 00:16:53,627
Thank you.
413
00:16:53,696 --> 00:16:56,464
Felix, you're acting
like the Blue Nut.
414
00:16:56,532 --> 00:16:59,092
Have you learned a lesson?
415
00:16:59,135 --> 00:17:01,018
Yes, all of this could
have been avoided
416
00:17:01,087 --> 00:17:03,287
if the man had known
his serial number.
417
00:17:11,197 --> 00:17:12,763
Oscar...
418
00:17:12,831 --> 00:17:17,234
can I come over and
sit with you, please?
419
00:17:18,571 --> 00:17:20,872
Please?
420
00:17:22,509 --> 00:17:26,511
I don't want to sit
over here all by myself.
421
00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:29,547
Let me sit with
you, huh, please?
422
00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:33,150
All right, it's my
first day on the job.
423
00:17:33,219 --> 00:17:35,787
I... I was over-enthusiastic,
I admit that.
424
00:17:35,855 --> 00:17:38,222
But let's be partners
again, huh, please?
425
00:17:38,291 --> 00:17:40,291
You know me, you
know my character.
426
00:17:40,359 --> 00:17:41,626
You know what I'm like.
427
00:17:41,694 --> 00:17:42,760
I'm an eager beaver,
428
00:17:42,828 --> 00:17:44,762
but isn't it better
to be too concerned
429
00:17:44,830 --> 00:17:46,530
than just not to care at all?
430
00:17:46,599 --> 00:17:48,110
Yeah, but you
always imagine things.
431
00:17:48,134 --> 00:17:49,661
Then you get us in trouble.
432
00:17:49,685 --> 00:17:51,247
What are you looking at now?
433
00:17:51,271 --> 00:17:52,737
Don't start anything.
434
00:17:52,805 --> 00:17:54,187
I wasn't imagining things.
435
00:17:54,256 --> 00:17:55,856
That man's carrying a gun.
436
00:17:55,924 --> 00:17:58,136
Hey, go outside and
blow your whistle.
437
00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:00,260
Blow your whistle.
438
00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:01,729
Cover me, Oscar.
439
00:18:01,798 --> 00:18:03,598
Cover you with what, my hat?
440
00:18:03,666 --> 00:18:07,000
Felix... Hey, buddy?
441
00:18:07,069 --> 00:18:08,469
See that badge?
442
00:18:08,538 --> 00:18:09,903
Civilian Patrol.
443
00:18:09,972 --> 00:18:13,607
See this?
444
00:18:13,676 --> 00:18:16,236
New York City Narcotics Squad.
445
00:18:18,614 --> 00:18:20,654
Hey, Oscar, he's a narc!
446
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:29,273
Oh, come on, Oscar.
447
00:18:29,342 --> 00:18:31,108
Just two more
hours of hall patrol,
448
00:18:31,177 --> 00:18:32,543
then we're through
for the night.
449
00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:33,756
I'm through now.
450
00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:35,324
You can patrol the hall alone.
451
00:18:35,348 --> 00:18:36,514
All right.
452
00:18:36,583 --> 00:18:37,664
Yellow belly!
453
00:18:37,733 --> 00:18:39,817
Hope you sleep well and warm
454
00:18:39,885 --> 00:18:43,037
in the secure knowledge
that Felix is patrolling the halls.
455
00:19:09,065 --> 00:19:10,876
It's all right,
folks, it's all right.
456
00:19:10,900 --> 00:19:12,283
Just part of the program
457
00:19:12,352 --> 00:19:14,618
to provide for your
safety and well-being.
458
00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:17,021
May I say that you all
responded magnificently.
459
00:19:17,090 --> 00:19:18,589
Go back to your beds,
460
00:19:18,657 --> 00:19:21,625
secure in the knowledge
that Felix is on the job.
461
00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:23,794
Thank you all. Go back to bed.
462
00:19:25,231 --> 00:19:28,299
Oscar, may I say that you
were not the first one out.
463
00:19:28,368 --> 00:19:30,501
Looks a little bit bad
for your roommate.
464
00:19:31,904 --> 00:19:34,138
Slacker!
465
00:19:45,418 --> 00:19:47,518
Oh, it's just me, Felix.
466
00:19:47,586 --> 00:19:49,731
Miriam, don't skulk
around the halls like that.
467
00:19:49,755 --> 00:19:51,188
I... I'm sorry.
468
00:19:51,257 --> 00:19:53,318
If I blew this whistle,
the entire eleventh floor
469
00:19:53,342 --> 00:19:54,719
would be swarming all over you.
470
00:19:54,743 --> 00:19:57,344
I just thought you could use
a chair and some magazines.
471
00:19:57,412 --> 00:19:58,690
Oh, aren't you sweet.
472
00:19:58,714 --> 00:20:01,482
Thank you, thank...
473
00:20:01,550 --> 00:20:03,728
Didn't there used
to be a chair here?
474
00:20:03,752 --> 00:20:05,386
It was stolen.
475
00:20:05,455 --> 00:20:07,799
Well, that's not gonna
happen while I'm on patrol.
476
00:20:07,823 --> 00:20:10,202
Your chair is safe with me.
477
00:20:10,226 --> 00:20:11,403
If anything goes wrong,
478
00:20:11,427 --> 00:20:13,160
I just blow this whistle.
479
00:20:13,229 --> 00:20:14,739
I've got the best
floor in the building...
480
00:20:14,763 --> 00:20:15,940
The fighting eleventh.
481
00:20:15,964 --> 00:20:17,248
I don't know about that.
482
00:20:17,316 --> 00:20:18,960
The eighth floor is awfully
good. The eighth floor?
483
00:20:18,984 --> 00:20:20,762
Yeah. They don't have
our deterrent power.
484
00:20:20,786 --> 00:20:22,431
Nothing but women
and children down there.
485
00:20:22,455 --> 00:20:24,400
Yeah, but they've
got the spirit. Spirit?
486
00:20:24,424 --> 00:20:26,201
Yeah. Do you want to see spirit?
487
00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:27,691
I'll show you spirit.
488
00:20:31,630 --> 00:20:32,930
Thank you, everyone.
489
00:20:32,998 --> 00:20:34,898
This has been a drill.
490
00:20:34,967 --> 00:20:38,335
There is no real emergency.
491
00:20:38,404 --> 00:20:39,870
Go back to your homes.
492
00:20:39,939 --> 00:20:42,139
My whistle and I are on the job.
493
00:20:42,208 --> 00:20:44,208
Blow that thing once more,
494
00:20:44,277 --> 00:20:46,243
I'll ram it right
down your throat!
495
00:20:46,312 --> 00:20:47,711
Amen!
496
00:20:47,780 --> 00:20:49,080
May I suggest
497
00:20:49,148 --> 00:20:52,450
that you reserve your
hostility for the burglars, sir?
498
00:20:52,518 --> 00:20:54,785
Same goes for you, son.
499
00:20:57,356 --> 00:20:59,656
What a floor. Great floor!
500
00:20:59,725 --> 00:21:01,470
Good night, Felix. No
fooling around on duty.
501
00:21:01,494 --> 00:21:04,511
Ah. Yes, sir.
502
00:21:06,582 --> 00:21:09,416
Hey, Cosmopolitan.
503
00:21:09,485 --> 00:21:11,868
Great!
504
00:21:11,937 --> 00:21:13,387
Let's see.
505
00:21:13,455 --> 00:21:15,789
Hey, a sex quiz.
506
00:21:15,858 --> 00:21:17,290
Good.
507
00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:19,426
Never.
508
00:21:25,284 --> 00:21:27,234
Uh-huh. Occasionally.
509
00:21:27,302 --> 00:21:28,469
Hmm.
510
00:21:28,537 --> 00:21:30,303
Now, let's see my score.
511
00:21:30,373 --> 00:21:31,705
85.
512
00:21:31,774 --> 00:21:33,240
Above average.
513
00:21:33,308 --> 00:21:36,543
If I'd had one more "always,"
I'd have been exceptional.
514
00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:43,301
Time to patrol a little bit.
515
00:21:46,739 --> 00:21:48,739
On the job.
516
00:22:10,897 --> 00:22:13,397
Freeze!
517
00:22:13,466 --> 00:22:16,300
Hold it right there, mister.
518
00:22:16,369 --> 00:22:18,929
You're under total surveillance!
519
00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:24,508
All right, turn
around very slowly.
520
00:22:31,650 --> 00:22:36,319
Mister, when I
blow this whistle,
521
00:22:36,389 --> 00:22:40,123
every door on this
floor is going to open,
522
00:22:40,192 --> 00:22:42,993
and all the concerned citizens
are going to call the police.
523
00:22:43,061 --> 00:22:46,208
Won't do you any good at
all to head for the elevator.
524
00:22:48,450 --> 00:22:50,762
Sometimes this little
cork gets stuck. I can fix it.
525
00:22:53,072 --> 00:22:55,856
All right, Fighting
Eleventh, come and get him!
526
00:22:58,093 --> 00:23:01,245
Probably calling
the police right now.
527
00:23:01,314 --> 00:23:02,724
Don't you come any closer.
528
00:23:05,851 --> 00:23:07,101
Judo! Hah!
529
00:23:08,904 --> 00:23:12,123
You have a run in your
stocking, you know that?
530
00:23:13,192 --> 00:23:14,336
Eighth Floor!
531
00:23:14,360 --> 00:23:16,920
Eighth Floor, can you hear me?
532
00:23:23,969 --> 00:23:25,886
Felix, uh...
533
00:23:25,955 --> 00:23:29,306
I'm sorry I left you
all alone on patrol.
534
00:23:29,375 --> 00:23:32,209
What could happen?
535
00:23:32,278 --> 00:23:34,523
Anyway, see, you
always go too far,
536
00:23:34,547 --> 00:23:36,780
and then I get
mad, and then I...
537
00:23:36,848 --> 00:23:39,483
Anyway, I'm sorry, okay?
538
00:23:41,287 --> 00:23:43,587
What are you gonna
do? You gonna sulk?
539
00:23:43,655 --> 00:23:44,933
You're not gonna forgive me?
540
00:23:44,957 --> 00:23:49,359
I said I was...
Serves you right.
541
00:23:57,753 --> 00:24:00,313
My friend was mugged!
542
00:24:12,201 --> 00:24:15,886
Mr. Unger, in appreciation
for your assistance
543
00:24:15,955 --> 00:24:18,288
in apprehending a known
and wanted criminal...
544
00:24:18,357 --> 00:24:19,706
How did you identify him?
545
00:24:19,775 --> 00:24:22,335
I recognized his
brand of stocking.
546
00:24:23,279 --> 00:24:26,613
It is my pleasure
to bestow upon you
547
00:24:26,682 --> 00:24:28,682
the Concerned
Citizens' Medallion.
548
00:24:28,751 --> 00:24:30,167
Ready?
549
00:24:30,236 --> 00:24:31,836
Thank you.
550
00:24:31,904 --> 00:24:35,105
I want my patrol partner,
Oscar Madison, in the picture.
551
00:24:35,174 --> 00:24:36,819
Oh, come on, Felix, I didn't do
anything. No, come on, come on, yeah.
552
00:24:36,843 --> 00:24:38,153
Full uniforms,
please. Full uniform.
553
00:24:38,177 --> 00:24:39,487
Put on your hat. Oh, no, no.
554
00:24:39,511 --> 00:24:40,823
Make him put on his
hat. Oh, come on, will ya?
555
00:24:40,847 --> 00:24:41,847
Right here.
36906
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