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MUSIC: Left Hand Free
by alt-J
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00:00:08,880 --> 00:00:13,600
# Ain't shady, baby
I'm hot like the prodigal son
3
00:00:17,480 --> 00:00:22,080
# Well, your left hand's free
And your right's in grip
4
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# With another left hand... #
5
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Hey! Here he is.
6
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Hey!Man of the moment.
7
00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:32,480
How was it?
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Erm, yeah, good.
9
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Er, great. Bang-on, actually.
10
00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:38,240
So, what did you say?
11
00:00:38,280 --> 00:00:41,160
Oh, you know, sort of,
questions about jobs.
12
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The job. Er, answers from me.
13
00:00:43,480 --> 00:00:45,120
Er, a bit of back and forth.
14
00:00:45,160 --> 00:00:47,320
Yeah, you didn't go, did you?
No, n-not entirely. No.
15
00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:49,560
Oh, Stew.
Look, I lined you up for that one.
16
00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:51,200
Oh, I'm sorry. Just...
17
00:00:51,240 --> 00:00:54,040
I don't think
that local planning officer
18
00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:55,880
is a natural career step for me.
19
00:00:55,920 --> 00:00:58,120
You're a junior
local planning officer.
20
00:00:58,160 --> 00:01:00,160
Yeah, junior - and I like that.
21
00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:02,800
You know,
there's no pressure or politics,
22
00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:05,040
or your big meetings upstairs.
23
00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:09,480
Look, it's normal to fear change.
I don't fear change.
24
00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:10,800
Right, what are you having?
25
00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:12,480
Just the usual.
26
00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:15,080
Actually, do you know what?
27
00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:20,120
I will go for
a Scrumpy Pumpy, please.
28
00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:21,760
Yeah? For a change.
29
00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:24,400
Are you sure? It's 8%.
30
00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:26,760
I'll just go with the mild.Yeah.
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HE CHUCKLES
32
00:01:27,960 --> 00:01:30,920
Right, then. Come on.What?
33
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She might still be there.
34
00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:33,920
No, but I don't want...
HE SIGHS
35
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I don't want the bloody job.
36
00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:36,920
Come on!Robbie!
37
00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:43,120
It's more money.
Yeah, it's more hassle.
38
00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:45,880
You know, can't we just grab some
tins, go over to the castle?
39
00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:47,480
No, we're not 15 years old any more.
40
00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:50,120
Look, you've got to start doing
something with your life.I know.
41
00:01:50,160 --> 00:01:51,360
I will. But just not right now.
42
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:53,320
When, then? What?
43
00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:56,120
I don't know.
I'll just see what happens.
44
00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:58,400
This is Clitheroe, Stew.
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Nothing happens.
46
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LOUD EXPLOSION, SCREAMING
47
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WHIRRING
48
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What the fu...?!
49
00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:02,960
HE GASPS
50
00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:06,680
HE BREATHES HEAVILY
51
00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:13,320
HE SIGHS
52
00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,120
HE EXHALES HEAVILY
53
00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:31,440
ON TV:..And with China
finally surrendering,
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00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:35,240
all nations on Earth are now
formally under alien control.
55
00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:38,200
..and an enlarged cranium,
56
00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:40,560
suggesting superior
intelligence and...
57
00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:42,880
I just think we are where we are,
and everyone just needs
58
00:03:42,920 --> 00:03:45,000
to stop moaning and get on with it.
59
00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:49,520
The time has come to make peace
with a new reality,
60
00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:53,920
a new regime here in Great Britain.
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00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:55,560
Territory 78.
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00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:57,680
..is of course leading on
from the rumours
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00:03:57,720 --> 00:04:01,440
that our Gu'un leaders may want
to govern from outside of London.
64
00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:03,280
Most digital signals remain blocked.
65
00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:06,480
We continue to broadcast on
the old analogue network.
66
00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:08,560
Time to lay down our weapons,
67
00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:12,840
dry our eyes,
and get back to our lives.
68
00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:14,200
TV SWITCHES OFF
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00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:26,960
LOUD WHIRRING
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00:04:53,840 --> 00:04:56,120
ELECTRICITY BUZZES
Argh!
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00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:57,760
ALARM BLARES IN DISTANCE
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00:04:57,800 --> 00:04:59,680
MUSIC: Human
by The Killers
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00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:03,560
# I did my best to notice
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00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:05,960
ELECTRICITY BUZZES
Ah, shit!
75
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,960
# When the call came down the line
76
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:12,520
# Up to the platform of surrender
77
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# I was brought but I was kind
78
00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:19,680
# And sometimes I get nervous
79
00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:23,000
# When I see an open door
80
00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:26,280
# Close your eyes
Clear your heart
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00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:32,120
# And cut the cord
82
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# Are we human
83
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# Or are we dancer?
84
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# My sign is vital
85
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# My hands are cold
86
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# And I'm on my knees
looking for the answer
87
00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:53,480
# Are we human
88
00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:57,040
# Or are we dancer? #
89
00:05:57,080 --> 00:05:58,200
Freeze!
90
00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:02,520
How is this a door?!
91
00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:06,320
And how do you slow down a Nissan?
92
00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:08,360
LOUD EXPLOSION
Ah!
93
00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:25,480
Clitter-oh-ee.Clitter-oh-ee.
94
00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:27,440
Clitheroe.
95
00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:29,040
Hm.Yeah.
96
00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:32,440
Look, you can't run the country
from here. It's too...
97
00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:33,960
Why have YOU got your hands up?
98
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:35,360
Why have you got YOUR hands up?
99
00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:36,680
So you don't shoot me.
100
00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:39,160
Oh, I thought it was a greeting.
101
00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:40,480
Oh.
THEY CHUCKLE
102
00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:43,040
No, it's all right.
We're not going to shoot you.
103
00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:45,160
He's right. That did it.
104
00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:47,680
Ah! Well, thank you.
105
00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:49,880
Look, you can't run
the country from here.
106
00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:52,840
There's no motorways, the Internet
is crap, parking is a nightmare...
107
00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:55,440
He's very whiny.
Can't we just shoot him a bit?
108
00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:58,200
The thing is, Clithero...oo...
109
00:06:58,240 --> 00:06:59,520
Clitheroe.
110
00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:01,880
..is the geographical centre
of the landmass.
111
00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:07,560
I mean, you can't run an island
territory from down in one corner.
112
00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:13,000
I mean, imagine how disenfranchised
the people over in, erm, er...
113
00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:16,320
No.No. Well, you take my point.
114
00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:20,600
Which is why we're moving
Central Command from Lon-don...
115
00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:23,080
Lon-don...to, well...
116
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..here.
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Here.
118
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Can you eat this?
119
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I wouldn't.
120
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:29,360
Is that a no?
121
00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:33,280
You run the country
from the capital -
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that's just how it works.
Understood.
123
00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:39,320
Make a note - Clitheroe
is now the capital.
124
00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:42,360
What? No, t-that's not what I mean.
Er...
125
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He's right.
126
00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:46,360
It's almost too spicy.
127
00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:51,200
Is there anything else
we should know?
128
00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:52,240
ELEVATOR BELL DINGS
129
00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:54,120
..just stopped going
to the office, really,
130
00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:56,720
or, you know, they took up drink,
or drugs, or both, actually.
131
00:07:56,760 --> 00:07:58,600
A lot went up to the hills. Erm...
132
00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:00,840
I do wish you'd all stop
acting so surprised.
133
00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:03,920
Surprised?! You invaded our planet!
Arrived.
134
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:05,640
We arrived at your planet.
135
00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:08,760
And to be fair, we were invited.
No, you weren't.
136
00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:11,000
You were sending out radio signals.
137
00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:13,200
And then, there was that probe...
Voyager.
138
00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:16,040
Yes, I mean, literally had a map
of how to get here on the side.
139
00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:17,560
So, you know, we pop round,
140
00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:19,960
and next thing,
you start firing things at us.
141
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,720
You blew up New Zealand.
Only the edges.
142
00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:25,320
That's where all the people were.
Oh!Greetings!
143
00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:26,600
Oh, hello.
144
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,000
Er, hi, June.
145
00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:29,720
It's OK. They're just...
146
00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:34,160
There's been a change in management.
147
00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:35,560
All right?
148
00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:37,040
LOUD THUD
Ow!
149
00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:40,160
Yep. There we go.
Yeah, I've seen it,
150
00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:42,920
but I think
it's just another finger.
151
00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:45,360
No, no, no. I'm telling you...
152
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:47,760
HE GRUNTS
..it's the penis.
153
00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:49,560
Then why was it pointing at me?
154
00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:51,880
Huh?
155
00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:57,640
There you go. Done.
156
00:08:57,680 --> 00:08:59,720
Do you know what
the round bits are for?
157
00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:01,920
I heard if you give them
a gentle squeeze...
158
00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:10,080
Ah...
HE CHUCKLES
159
00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:11,440
SHE CHUCKLES
160
00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:13,240
Do we draw lots?
161
00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:15,880
Yep, or there's always,
I don't know...
162
00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:17,080
..rank.
163
00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:21,800
Military rank, or...?
164
00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:24,680
I think Earth rank...
now we're here.
165
00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:26,640
Hm.Hm.
166
00:09:30,120 --> 00:09:32,200
You could still get
your own territory, you know,
167
00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:34,520
if you'd just learn
a little diplomacy.
168
00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:35,680
SHOUTS:Fuck...
THEY GASP
169
00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:37,120
..diplomacy!
170
00:09:38,680 --> 00:09:40,200
And there's the issue.
171
00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:45,960
Morning.
172
00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:51,720
You know the species.
173
00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:53,760
Is there any way to make
large numbers of them
174
00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:55,240
immediately like you?
175
00:09:56,440 --> 00:09:59,440
HE EXHALES
Erm...
176
00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:01,160
Tea.Oh.
177
00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:03,440
Thank you.
178
00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:07,800
Tea?Oh.
179
00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:09,160
Thank you.
180
00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:12,440
Tea!
181
00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:19,800
Tea.
182
00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:21,200
Th-Thank you.
183
00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:26,160
So, the sun is going to explode.
184
00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:27,720
HE SPLUTTERS
What?
185
00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:30,480
Oh, not now.
In about eight billion years.
186
00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:33,960
But it will eventually expand
into a super-heated red giant
187
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:37,600
that will consume the Earth
in a gas-fuelled inferno
188
00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:40,440
of competing nuclear reactions.
189
00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:43,400
Jesus.Yes, it's very upsetting.
190
00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:46,760
And we know that, because that's
what happened to our planet, Gu'ua,
191
00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:49,880
which is why we've spent
several decades searching
192
00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:52,840
other galaxies for a planet
with a breathable atmosphere,
193
00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:54,400
and having finally found one,
194
00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:57,440
well, long story short,
we're not going anywhere.
195
00:10:57,480 --> 00:10:58,840
So, we're stuck with you.
196
00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:01,280
Well, we could have just
vaporised you all.
197
00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:03,920
Oh, well, let's not...
That got my vote.
198
00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:06,760
The message is, "We come in peace."
199
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:11,120
Look, and we really do want to rub
along with you guys as best we can.
200
00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:13,720
The problem is that as a species,
you're so...
201
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:15,280
Simple...complicated.
202
00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:17,680
Yes, very, very basic,
203
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:20,440
but at the same time,
utterly baffling.Are we?
204
00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:22,600
Well, you're all terrified of death,
205
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:26,280
yet your favoured mode of transport
literally pumps out poison.
206
00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:28,080
So, to help you,
207
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:31,320
we dis-incentivised the use of
internal combustion engines...
208
00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:32,760
The electric shocks?
209
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:35,960
And somehow we're the bad guys?!
THEY CHUCKLE
210
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:37,400
People have got to get about.
211
00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:39,720
Yes, that's it right there.
212
00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:41,960
You're so desperate
to live your lives
213
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:44,720
that you're prepared
to die to do so.
214
00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:45,800
Free country.
215
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:49,680
It's fascinating.
216
00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:52,400
No concept of collective
responsibility.
217
00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:53,920
Or he might just be thick.
218
00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:58,400
No, no. I believe this is how they
think, and he's just saying it.
219
00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:00,240
They didn't do that in Lon-don.
220
00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:02,280
I can hear you.
221
00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:06,880
I'd like to offer you a job
as a consultant
222
00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:09,200
to help us understand
the indigenous population.
223
00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:12,920
No, no. What you need is someone
from London, or upstairs.
224
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:15,200
Or upstairs in London.
No, no. We've tried that.
225
00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:17,360
We've had quite enough of experts.
226
00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:20,760
What we need is the common-sense
outlook of the man on the street,
227
00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:22,120
just while we find our feet.
228
00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:23,240
I really appreciate it,
229
00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:25,240
but I just want to do my hours,
get my head down...
230
00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:26,560
The paper! The paper!
231
00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:29,360
Would you like the colourful paper?
No, it's not a...
232
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:31,040
Christ, that's a lot.
233
00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:33,440
Erm, it's not about the money.
234
00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:34,960
It's... It's about...
235
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:36,440
A dwelling, then.
236
00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:38,040
We could give you a dwelling.
237
00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:43,280
Since we arrived, some lovely
domiciles have been, erm...vacated.
238
00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:45,640
You mean like a house? To keep?
239
00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:48,400
To keep.
And for just a few weeks' work.
240
00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:50,840
A couple of quick wins
human-relations-wise,
241
00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:53,760
and you can go back to doing...
well, whatever it is you do.
242
00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:57,520
Can I think about it?Of course.
243
00:12:57,560 --> 00:12:59,360
To thinking about it.
244
00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:01,960
Er, yeah. To...thinking about it.
245
00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:06,480
The milk is off! The milk is so off!
246
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:34,840
There you go.
247
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:36,520
Oh, cheers.
248
00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:44,840
Thanks.
249
00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:49,200
What's that?
250
00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:51,520
I found it. Out there.
251
00:13:52,680 --> 00:13:53,960
It was Robbie's.
252
00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:57,120
Are you sure?
253
00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:58,640
Yeah, I bought him that belt.
254
00:13:58,680 --> 00:14:00,120
Oh, shit.
255
00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:03,080
Erm, OK, well, I mean, shouldn't...?
Maybe you should keep a hold of it.
256
00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:06,040
No, no, no.
That's ancient history now.
257
00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:07,560
He'd want you to have it.
258
00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:08,840
Would he?
259
00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:11,160
Well, I know he'd rather not
have been crushed to death
260
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:13,240
by a giant ball, but here we are.
261
00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:14,960
They offered me a job.
262
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:16,960
Who?The Blue Man Group.
263
00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:21,360
I mean, after everything
they've done? No way.
264
00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:22,600
Stewart...
265
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:28,440
Stewart, we all work for
them now, right?
266
00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:31,000
But we don't all get to
make a difference.
267
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:35,800
What would he say?
268
00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:47,360
COUPLE ARGUE NEXT DOOR
269
00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:56,120
HE EXHALES
270
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:00,080
Hello...! Oh!
271
00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:03,840
Oh, s-sugar! Sorry.
I didn't know it did pictures.
272
00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:06,760
CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING
273
00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:08,600
Got you, you bastard.
274
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:11,000
Was there something you wanted?
275
00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:13,160
Er, yeah...
CREAKING
276
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:21,600
I'm in.
277
00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:42,280
HE EXHALES
278
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:44,000
HE CHUCKLES
279
00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:45,560
HORN HONKS OUTSIDE
280
00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:06,000
Actually, could I drive?
281
00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:08,520
I think I'm getting the hang of it.
282
00:16:08,560 --> 00:16:10,240
HORN AND ALARM BLARE
283
00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:12,920
HE GROANS
284
00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:16,640
I know what I did that time.
285
00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:19,640
Yeah.
286
00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:22,280
Hm, what to have, what to have?
287
00:16:22,320 --> 00:16:23,960
It all just sounds so awful.
288
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:26,520
Bap'n'brew.
WOMAN:What?
289
00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:28,280
Bap'n'brew.
290
00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:31,200
Bap'n'brew.
291
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:34,200
Just four bacon butties
and four teas to go, please.
292
00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:35,720
Thank you.
293
00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:37,080
Greetings.
294
00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:40,000
Greetings.
295
00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:44,440
Hm.
296
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:49,520
Well, this is nice.
297
00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:54,440
Er...s-sorry, can you tell...?
298
00:16:56,320 --> 00:16:58,720
Actually, I don't know
any of your names.
299
00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:02,760
Ah, yes. Well, we tend not to use
our names down here on Earth.
300
00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:04,520
I mean, there's an issue, you see.
301
00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:07,600
The resonant frequency
of our native tongue,
302
00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:10,920
combined with the atmospheric
pressure of your planet means that
303
00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:13,240
if we say our Gu'un names out loud,
304
00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:16,080
you'd, erm...well...
305
00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:17,880
You'd shit yourself.
306
00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:20,120
Sorry?Physically.
307
00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:24,120
You would void your bowels,
violently and comprehensively.
308
00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:26,360
But you may refer to us by rank.
309
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:29,480
Sector Premier,
Sector Sub-commander,
310
00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:32,320
underling, third-class.
311
00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:34,880
Right.
312
00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:38,320
Erm, it's just that, you know,
if you guys want to fit in,
313
00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:41,080
maybe you should get something
a bit more normal.
314
00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:42,400
You know, human.
315
00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:44,000
Yes! Wonderful idea.
316
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:47,400
Humans, tell me,
what names do you go by?
317
00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:48,960
Tracy.
318
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:50,680
Peter.Hm.
319
00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:52,240
What lovely noises.
320
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:53,920
Tracy and Peter.
321
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:57,520
Tracy, Peter, Trace, Peter,
Tra, Peter, Tra...
322
00:17:57,560 --> 00:18:00,960
Trater. I shall be Trater.
That...that has another meaning.
323
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:02,840
Oh, thank you.
324
00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:04,320
You!
HE GASPS
325
00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:06,080
Name.
326
00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:07,960
Gordon.
327
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:11,240
I...am Gordan!
328
00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:14,840
OK. Yeah, great.
And then, you can be, erm...
329
00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:16,200
Greggs.
330
00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:17,760
Great. Yeah. Greg.
331
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:19,640
Erm, Greg...Greggs.
332
00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:21,680
It's not...it's not really a name.
333
00:18:21,720 --> 00:18:23,480
It is.
334
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:24,840
I've seen it everywhere.
335
00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:31,160
OK. Right. Yeah, so, erm,
Greggs, Trater...Mm-hm.
336
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:32,880
..and Gordon.
337
00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:34,600
Gor-dan.
338
00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:36,800
WOMAN:Four baps to go.Ah.
339
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:41,320
GREGGS:I'm quite full, actually.
340
00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:46,920
Oh, dear. Cheers. Thank you.
341
00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:50,000
Oh, after you, Gordan.
342
00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:52,760
No, no. You first, Trater.Trater!
343
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:54,240
THEY CHUCKLE
344
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:57,600
HE LAUGHS
345
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:02,800
Erm, not their real names.
Their real names are...
346
00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:05,960
FLATULENCE AND SQUELCHING,
PEOPLE SHOUT AND GROAN
347
00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:08,480
You all right?Yep.
348
00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:10,320
Yeah. I'm fine.
349
00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:36,520
Another one?
350
00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:48,320
Would you like a purple one?
351
00:19:48,360 --> 00:19:50,520
See? You all love it.
352
00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:52,240
Money? Of course we do.
353
00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:53,400
Exactly!
354
00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:57,040
So, let's just print loads of it,
give everyone lots and lots.
355
00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:58,400
Everybody loves us,
356
00:19:58,440 --> 00:20:00,880
and we all live together
in peace and harmony.
357
00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:02,200
And that's lunch.
358
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:06,400
Wait. Er, wait.
359
00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:08,840
I don't know what it is,
but there's some reason...
360
00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:11,280
I think I read somewhere or
I saw something about
361
00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:12,600
why that doesn't work.
362
00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:15,320
I think you always have
to take money from somewhere else.
363
00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:18,120
You can't just...make it?
364
00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:19,640
Er?
365
00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:22,080
Well, where do you get it from?
366
00:20:22,120 --> 00:20:25,120
I think there's, like, a...a pot.
367
00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:27,760
A pot?
368
00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:29,920
Do you know who
you should talk to? The...
369
00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:32,160
What's his name? The Chancellor.
370
00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:33,520
Ah.
371
00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:35,880
Erm...
HE CHUCKLES
372
00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:37,200
..he's, erm...
373
00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:46,360
Unavailable.
374
00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:47,640
Hm.
375
00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:50,520
Oh, the numbers.
Didn't we find some numbers?
376
00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:56,280
There. The numbers.
377
00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:58,520
So, what do you think?
378
00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:00,800
Me? I don't know.
I'm not an accountant.
379
00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:02,880
Well, speaking as our man
on the street, I mean,
380
00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:04,680
if we have to get this money
from somewhere,
381
00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:05,840
what here don't you need?
382
00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:07,880
Oh, that's a big number.
What's "nhssss"?
383
00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:10,760
NHS - not that.
What about that one? That's huge.
384
00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:13,000
Wrong column.
That's national debt.Hm.
385
00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:15,800
That feels like a problem.
Er, oh.
386
00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:18,520
Well, I suppose now you lot are
in charge of everywhere,
387
00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:19,960
there's always a...
388
00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:25,520
Right. That should do it.
389
00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:27,240
So, Internet's back on?
390
00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:29,960
Oh, is it? Well done.
391
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:33,720
You mean what I was doing?
InTRAnet - completely different.
392
00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:36,600
I've basically patched
their servers into ours,
393
00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:38,200
so you can talk to the other Smurfs.
394
00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:39,600
Right, budge up.
395
00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:44,120
Now, for video calls,
396
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:46,080
you need to keep an eye
on the Wi-Fi,
397
00:21:46,120 --> 00:21:48,840
cos our routers are horseshit.
398
00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:50,720
There's no signal down there,
399
00:21:50,760 --> 00:21:53,760
none in that corner,
and none down there.
400
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:55,280
SHE GRUNTS
401
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:59,280
I've been trying to get
high-speed fibre in here for years,
402
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:00,800
but there's never the budget.
403
00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:02,400
Well, we'll see what we can do.
404
00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:04,200
SHE SNORTS
Yeah, good luck with that.
405
00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:07,800
Well, we're in charge now, so...
Heard it all before.
406
00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:09,960
No, we literally run
the entire world.
407
00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:12,440
If you say so, hon'.
408
00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:15,280
Now you're connected.
Try not to break it.
409
00:22:15,320 --> 00:22:17,680
We're having trouble
fully charging our pulse weapons.
410
00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:20,800
We can only get about 240V.
That's all there is.
411
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:22,680
You're not on Krypton any more,
dude.
412
00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:27,760
Er, she does know
we're in charge, yes?
413
00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:30,440
Yeah. She just...she works in IT.
414
00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:32,120
INCOMING CALL ALERT PLAYS
415
00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:34,120
SHE CLEARS THROAT
416
00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:41,000
RUSSIAN ACCENT:Strozvicha.
Oh, hey, guys!
417
00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:42,560
Good to see you.Hello!
418
00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:45,280
Oh, sorry. That's a local greeting.
It's not.
419
00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:48,760
Hey, how's things over there in 88?
78. Territory 78.
420
00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:51,800
Purely in terms of landmass,
which I do wonder,
421
00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:55,880
is that really the best way
to structure the hierarchy of...?
422
00:22:55,920 --> 00:22:58,920
Hey, I mean, it keeps things simple.
It's numbers. Just numbers.
423
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:00,040
Right. Yes.
424
00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:01,960
It's just, there was some talk here
425
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:03,960
of some kind of
a special relationship.
426
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:05,240
Hadn't heard that.
427
00:23:05,280 --> 00:23:07,760
Oh, well, I mean,
it's probably just... Ah!
428
00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:09,640
So, what do you want talk about?
429
00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:15,160
Well, in a word, missiles.
Did you find one of these things?
430
00:23:16,360 --> 00:23:17,600
You know, we did.
431
00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:19,800
Where the hell did I put it?
Da, for the nuclears...
432
00:23:19,840 --> 00:23:22,200
Cory? Thank you.
433
00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:24,640
That's what's in there?
You gave him that?
434
00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:26,160
It's only nuclear.
435
00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:28,360
It's not like
it's a particle disrupter.
436
00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:31,160
THEY LAUGH
437
00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:33,800
Whoa!Oh!
THEY LAUGH
438
00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:36,920
Thanks, buddy. Look at that.
439
00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:39,720
Yes, I think there is still
a few left in barrel.
440
00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:44,600
Yes. These missile things cost
an awful lot of the colourful paper.
441
00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:48,080
What?! For this?!
But are...are just nuclears.
442
00:23:48,120 --> 00:23:50,920
Well, paper we could all
be spending elsewhere.
443
00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:52,200
So, I was thinking,
444
00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:54,560
since we collectively run
the whole planet now,
445
00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:57,320
do we really need them,
nuclear missiles?
446
00:23:57,360 --> 00:23:59,280
Yes, good point.
You know, that's a great point.
447
00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:01,560
I don't know that we do.
So, we could just get rid of them?
448
00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:02,920
Absolutely.Hey, why not?
449
00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:04,800
What you say you guys
get rid of yours,
450
00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:07,960
and then, once that's done,
we'll get rid of ours.
451
00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:10,360
Yes. And then us.
452
00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:13,600
Yeah! Or you two first,
and then, us.
453
00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:15,040
It doesn't matter.
454
00:24:15,080 --> 00:24:17,960
You know, whoever first,
and then whoever next,
455
00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:19,840
and then, you know, us.
456
00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:21,320
Yeah, we'll hammer out the details.
457
00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:24,560
Great. Well, good to talk to you.
458
00:24:24,600 --> 00:24:26,080
See you later, alligator.
459
00:24:26,120 --> 00:24:27,480
Cory taught me that.
460
00:24:27,520 --> 00:24:30,000
Well, I'd say this calls
for a celebration.
461
00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:31,800
Teas all around?
Or something stronger.
462
00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:33,840
I'll leave out the bovine
mammary excretion.
463
00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:35,120
Oh, is that what that was?
464
00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:37,560
Sorry, what are we celebrating?
The colourful paper.
465
00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:40,160
Did you not hear?
Yeah, but nothing was decided.
466
00:24:40,200 --> 00:24:42,920
They just sort of, like, fobbed
you off. There's still no money.
467
00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:44,360
Where's the money?
468
00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:46,240
Well, you tell us.
469
00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:47,720
It was your idea.
470
00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:50,160
No, it was her idea.
I just tried to make it work.
471
00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:52,080
Well, if there are other ideas...
472
00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:54,280
Yes, you wanted the job.
473
00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:55,640
No, I didn't.
474
00:24:55,680 --> 00:24:57,880
Well, you've taken the house
and the colourful paper,
475
00:24:57,920 --> 00:25:00,760
so I'd say you're
very much part of the team.
476
00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:03,680
It's only one little thing, Stewart.
477
00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:06,520
We just want all humans to like us.
478
00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:08,640
So, come on.
479
00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:10,880
What's your big idea?
480
00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:14,040
OK, OK.
481
00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:16,440
We've all had a really long day,
482
00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:18,960
and I think we all need
to shed our skins,
483
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:21,280
so let's pick this up in the morning
484
00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:24,960
when I'm sure Stewart here will be
brimming with inspiration.
485
00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:27,880
Of course. Of course.
486
00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:30,600
Very open to that idea.Ah.
487
00:25:33,120 --> 00:25:35,480
Wide open...
488
00:25:35,520 --> 00:25:37,320
..like my airlock door.
489
00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:41,040
Sleep well.
490
00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:53,120
HE SIGHS
491
00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:56,880
THUD OF FOOTSTEPS
492
00:26:03,360 --> 00:26:05,240
DOOR OPENS
493
00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:07,800
Ah!Argh!Argh!Argh!
What's wrong?
494
00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:09,560
What are you...?
What are you doing?
495
00:26:09,600 --> 00:26:11,000
What are you doing in my house?
496
00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:14,320
Gordan told me to keep an eye...
keep you company.
497
00:26:16,560 --> 00:26:18,200
So...
498
00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:19,760
Yay!
499
00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:22,720
Housemates.
500
00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:25,920
HE SIGHS
501
00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:30,120
What's that?Leave it.
502
00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:37,800
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