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00:00:06,297 --> 00:00:08,299
[audience cheering, applauding]
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[twinkling tone]
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[male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
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00:00:17,934 --> 00:00:22,063
put your hands together for Wanda Skyes.
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[audience cheering, applauding]
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00:00:23,815 --> 00:00:26,067
[“Shining Star” by Earth,
Wind & Fire playing]
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[music continues, cheering]
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♪ When you wish upon a star ♪
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♪ Your dreams will take you very far,
Yeah ♪
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[music ends]
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Philadelphia, thank you so much.
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Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you!
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Oh my God,
I'm so excited to be here, Philadelphia,
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you know, shoot my special.
15
00:01:07,233 --> 00:01:09,986
You know, my last special was in 2019.
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It was called Not Normal.
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Yeah.
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[sighing] Since then,
we've had a pandemic,
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an insurrection,
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Roe v. Wade got overturned...
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- Yeah.
- [audience booing]
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Yeah, I should have called that special
The Good Old Days.
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[audience laughing]
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Shit.
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What the fuck, y'all?
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Monkeypox, lanternflies,
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flooding in California, Texas frozen over...
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Kanye's Black ass wearing
a "White Lives Matter" T-shirt...
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[audience laughing]
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I think I'm gonna call this special,
Here Comes Jesus.
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[audience laughing, cheering]
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We lived through a pandemic, y'all.
What the fuck?
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And COVID was scary,
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'cause you didn't know what
it was gonna do until you got it, right?
35
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And I finally got it. It took two years,
and I finally got it. Yeah.
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You know, but I'm... I'm vaxxed,
I'm fully vaccinated,
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so, you know,
the first two days were a little rough.
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I'm isolating in the guest bedroom,
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you know, so my wife couldn't bother me,
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my kids couldn't bother me.
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So on that third day, I was like, "Shit."
42
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[audience laughing]
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"How can I get some of that long COVID?"
44
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[audience laughing]
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"This agrees with me."
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"This feels like me time."
47
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Shit, I've been there just napping,
you know, watching whatever I want.
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You know, my wife,
she would leave my meals at the door.
49
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You know, she was like, "Babe, uh,
why is there a towel underneath the door?"
50
00:03:01,764 --> 00:03:04,642
You know, 'cause I'm in there
smoking weed, you know, I'm...
51
00:03:04,726 --> 00:03:06,728
[audience laughing, applauding]
52
00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:09,021
[coughing]
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"'Cause you don't want this shit!"
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"I'm looking out for y'all!"
55
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Then a couple of days later,
she got it. Yeah.
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Yeah, she, she tells me,
"Babe, uh, I just tested positive."
57
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"So, you know, I can, uh...
I can isolate with you."
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I was like, "Uh-uh."
59
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[audience laughing]
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"Yours is fresh. I'm on my way out."
61
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[audience laughing]
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"You hot."
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And she's like, "That's not how it works."
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I said, "You don't know.
You ain't Sanjay Gupta."
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[audience laughing]
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"Take your ass back to our bedroom."
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And then my son caught it. Yeah.
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And his twin sister, she didn't get it.
69
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Why? 'Cause she's a 13-year-old girl
and she don't want shit to do with us.
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[audience laughing]
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You should see her little ass,
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00:04:16,047 --> 00:04:18,049
walking, like, 50 feet ahead of us,
73
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acting like she's Beyoncé
and we Destiny's Child.
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[audience laughing]
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♪ To the left, to the left ♪
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[chuckling]
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But you know what, there's some things
that I miss about being in the lockdown.
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I do.
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Remember we weren't letting anybody
in your house, remember that?
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You didn't let nobody in your house.
Uh-uh.
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And I miss that,
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'cause it was fun telling
my white friends to go around back.
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[audience laughing]
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I loved that.
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"Uh-uh, Carol, go around back now."
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"You know better
than to come up here like that."
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"You go on around back now. Git! Go on."
88
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"I'll meet you by the fire pit.
Go ahead, now."
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A lot of drinking by the fire pit.
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00:05:15,940 --> 00:05:18,735
And there was some good stuff
from the pandemic, right?
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00:05:18,818 --> 00:05:20,695
We got online church.
92
00:05:20,778 --> 00:05:23,865
Oh, I love online church!
Isn't that the best?
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But somehow I'm still late.
I don't know how that happens.
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You just gotta log on, Wanda. Jeez!
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Love online church.
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00:05:34,042 --> 00:05:37,211
Although Communion Sunday
started to get out of hand.
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Yeah, yeah, you know,
the pastor would say, you know,
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"Get your little wine, or your juice."
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00:05:44,594 --> 00:05:46,763
I was like, "Uh, you said wine. Say less."
100
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:51,684
So I would sit there
with my little shot glass of wine
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an, and my Ritz cracker, you know.
102
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Yeah, 'cause the body of Christ
is brown for me.
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[audience laughing]
104
00:06:03,071 --> 00:06:09,494
Yeah, I... I, I don't do Malibu Jesus,
that blond-haired, blue-eyed guy. Uh-uh.
105
00:06:10,286 --> 00:06:11,204
No.
106
00:06:11,287 --> 00:06:14,582
That's just perpetuating white supremacy,
that's all that's doing.
107
00:06:15,249 --> 00:06:18,086
Have you seen
one of the early drawings of Jesus?
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He looks just like Teddy Pendergrass.
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[audience laughing]
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That's my Jesus.
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I don't do Jesus of Nebraska.
No, thank you.
112
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So those first couple of,
you know, COVID communions, I was good,
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but by that sixth month,
114
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:42,235
boy, I was sitting there
with a whole glass of a Cabernet...
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[audience laughing]
116
00:06:43,986 --> 00:06:45,363
...and an everything bagel.
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I was like, "What the hell, Wanda?
What are you doing?"
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"This is ridiculous."
119
00:06:53,037 --> 00:06:57,417
You know, by the end of the service,
a cheese plate went into the situation.
120
00:06:59,293 --> 00:07:03,381
I got a wine ring on my Bible.
I was like, "Okay..."
121
00:07:03,464 --> 00:07:06,259
"I gotta get back in the building.
I need supervision."
122
00:07:11,889 --> 00:07:14,892
You know, I... I got a friend
who still hasn't been vaccinated.
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00:07:14,976 --> 00:07:16,561
No, she won't get vaccinated.
124
00:07:16,644 --> 00:07:19,772
And she's laughing at me.
She's like, "Uh, look at you."
125
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"You don't know what's in that mess."
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00:07:21,732 --> 00:07:24,569
"You just put that mess in your arm.
You don't know what's in it."
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00:07:24,652 --> 00:07:26,320
I was like, "Yeah, I don't know."
128
00:07:26,404 --> 00:07:30,241
"And if they told me what was in it,
I still wouldn't know what was in it."
129
00:07:30,825 --> 00:07:32,827
"I'm not a scientist, jackass."
130
00:07:32,910 --> 00:07:34,495
[audience laughing, applauding]
131
00:07:43,379 --> 00:07:45,173
But they laugh at me. They laugh at me.
132
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They talk like, "Well,
I just don't put anything in my body."
133
00:07:49,177 --> 00:07:52,472
I'm like,
"You use Splenda. Shut the fuck up."
134
00:07:52,555 --> 00:07:53,555
[audience laughing]
135
00:08:02,732 --> 00:08:04,775
But you know,
I wasn't afraid of the vaccine
136
00:08:04,859 --> 00:08:07,987
because I grew up with something called,
uh, the mosquito man.
137
00:08:08,654 --> 00:08:10,740
Yeah. I grew up in Virginia, you know,
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00:08:10,823 --> 00:08:13,951
rural area, and, uh,
you know, we had the mosquito man.
139
00:08:14,035 --> 00:08:15,995
Like, the mosquito man comes around now,
140
00:08:16,078 --> 00:08:19,415
but they, you know, they call your house
and leave a recording,
141
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:22,376
and say they're gonna
come and, you know, treat the area,
142
00:08:22,460 --> 00:08:25,880
and to stay inside
and bring your pets inside.
143
00:08:25,963 --> 00:08:27,632
Yeah. Not back then. Mm-mm.
144
00:08:28,758 --> 00:08:31,344
Back in the late '60s,
they, they would just pop up.
145
00:08:32,470 --> 00:08:34,680
Yeah, and we lived back in the woods,
you know,
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no, no streetlights, just dirt roads.
147
00:08:39,477 --> 00:08:41,729
You know, my grandmother didn't have
indoor plumbing.
148
00:08:41,812 --> 00:08:44,482
So when the mosquito man came around,
149
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that was an exciting time for us.
150
00:08:46,567 --> 00:08:47,902
That was like the circus.
151
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:51,614
You know what I'm saying? It's like,
other neighborhoods they would get...
152
00:08:51,697 --> 00:08:53,741
[humming the ice-cream song]
153
00:08:56,327 --> 00:08:58,287
Mm-mm. Not us. We would get...
154
00:08:58,371 --> 00:08:59,747
[imitating water sprinkler]
155
00:08:59,830 --> 00:09:01,749
[audience laughing]
156
00:09:01,832 --> 00:09:04,418
And we would lose our fucking minds.
157
00:09:05,253 --> 00:09:07,880
The kids, man, we would drop
whatever we was doing...
158
00:09:08,589 --> 00:09:09,590
"It's mosquito man!"
159
00:09:11,467 --> 00:09:13,344
"Yeah, it's the mosquito man!"
160
00:09:13,427 --> 00:09:18,641
And we would run to the end of the road
to greet the mosquito man
161
00:09:18,724 --> 00:09:24,105
just to get behind his truck
to play in that fog of pesticide.
162
00:09:25,314 --> 00:09:26,399
[yelling]
163
00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:29,902
"You can't see me!"
164
00:09:32,738 --> 00:09:35,992
We would play tag,
just having the time of our lives.
165
00:09:36,659 --> 00:09:39,579
And the mosquito man
was an asshole, right?
166
00:09:39,662 --> 00:09:42,540
Because instead of saying,
"Kids, get out of here!"
167
00:09:42,623 --> 00:09:44,875
"Go inside. This is poison!"
168
00:09:44,959 --> 00:09:48,462
He would shoot at us
like it was a video game.
169
00:09:48,546 --> 00:09:49,547
[imitating shooting]
170
00:09:51,132 --> 00:09:54,343
That asshole would slow down
and crank it up more
171
00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:55,761
so we'd get a bigger fog.
172
00:09:57,805 --> 00:09:59,640
And we're just loving it. [laughing]
173
00:09:59,724 --> 00:10:01,809
Just running in it, mouth wide open.
174
00:10:01,892 --> 00:10:02,892
[chuckling]
175
00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:11,110
And then when he was leaving
the neighborhood, we would thank him.
176
00:10:11,193 --> 00:10:15,239
"Thank you, mosquito man! Thank you!"
177
00:10:15,323 --> 00:10:17,325
"Come back soon, okay?"
178
00:10:19,410 --> 00:10:20,870
And then we'd walk back home,
179
00:10:22,246 --> 00:10:24,999
with that pesticide
just steaming off of us.
180
00:10:26,375 --> 00:10:28,586
Flies would land on us
181
00:10:29,253 --> 00:10:30,379
and then just die.
182
00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:31,589
[audience laughing]
183
00:10:33,841 --> 00:10:36,719
So, I wasn't scared of no vaccine.
184
00:10:39,722 --> 00:10:41,307
[audience cheering, applauding]
185
00:10:48,731 --> 00:10:50,483
So I'm married, happily married.
186
00:10:50,566 --> 00:10:52,693
Married a French woman.
Yeah, she's French.
187
00:10:54,737 --> 00:10:57,365
And she, she's white,
she's white, and, uh...
188
00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:01,827
And we have twins,
Lucas and Olivia. They're 13 now.
189
00:11:01,911 --> 00:11:03,496
They're white too. Yeah, you know.
190
00:11:04,622 --> 00:11:08,626
I figured if she was gonna carry them,
they should look like her, you know?
191
00:11:08,709 --> 00:11:10,961
And also I felt like, you know, "Hey,
192
00:11:11,045 --> 00:11:14,674
if shit didn't work out,
it would be easier for me to walk away."
193
00:11:14,757 --> 00:11:16,884
[audience laughing]
194
00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:24,183
"It's like I was never there."
195
00:11:27,895 --> 00:11:29,480
She's not gonna like that joke.
196
00:11:32,066 --> 00:11:34,860
And she's really not gonna like
that I put in my will
197
00:11:34,944 --> 00:11:37,238
that in order for the kids
to get the money,
198
00:11:37,321 --> 00:11:39,699
they gotta legally change their names
199
00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:41,492
to Rashad and Laquisha.
200
00:11:41,575 --> 00:11:42,702
[audience laughing]
201
00:11:50,876 --> 00:11:51,876
[Wanda laughing]
202
00:11:55,172 --> 00:11:57,800
The kids are now in public school, yeah.
203
00:11:57,883 --> 00:12:01,303
Because, uh, since pre-K,
they were going to the French School,
204
00:12:01,387 --> 00:12:02,638
because my wife was like,
205
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:06,892
"Okay, so I'm the mother,
and, uh, you know,
206
00:12:06,976 --> 00:12:10,312
the kids, they have to learn French first,
207
00:12:10,396 --> 00:12:12,523
'cause it's the tongue of the mother."
208
00:12:12,606 --> 00:12:16,902
"So, uh, they have to go
to the private French school, okay?"
209
00:12:16,986 --> 00:12:20,281
And I was like, "Yeah, that's cool.
You know, French first, okay."
210
00:12:20,364 --> 00:12:22,484
My friends were like,
"What you mean, 'French first'?"
211
00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:25,661
I was like, "Would you shut the hell up?
I know what I'm doing."
212
00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:29,707
Anyways, I felt like the kids would
bring me some homework and I'd just go...
213
00:12:29,790 --> 00:12:30,624
[grunting]
214
00:12:30,708 --> 00:12:31,708
[audience laughing]
215
00:12:38,257 --> 00:12:39,467
"Go ask the other one."
216
00:12:44,013 --> 00:12:46,223
But the kids are now fluent, so my wife...
217
00:12:46,307 --> 00:12:48,267
You know, when they were going
to middle school,
218
00:12:48,350 --> 00:12:49,643
she came to me, she's like,
219
00:12:49,727 --> 00:12:54,899
"Okay, so the kids
are now fluent in French,
220
00:12:54,982 --> 00:12:58,652
and I think it's time
that they can go to the public school."
221
00:12:58,736 --> 00:13:00,738
"Um, is that okay for you?"
222
00:13:00,821 --> 00:13:05,451
I'm like, "Oh, it's more than okay for me,
'cause by looking at these report cards,
223
00:13:05,534 --> 00:13:07,369
I can get these C's for free."
224
00:13:07,453 --> 00:13:08,537
[audience laughing]
225
00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:16,879
"Judging by this, we ain't raising
no little Dr. Faucis over here."
226
00:13:19,965 --> 00:13:22,384
"I think we got us a couple of TikTokers."
227
00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:24,136
"That's what we're working with."
228
00:13:32,269 --> 00:13:36,398
But we did take a tour of the school
before we made our decision, you know.
229
00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:38,776
So we went to check out the school.
We're walking through,
230
00:13:38,859 --> 00:13:41,946
and they had, like, the,
they had the rainbow flag up,
231
00:13:42,488 --> 00:13:44,198
and they had the transgender flag,
232
00:13:44,281 --> 00:13:48,828
they had the hands across the world,
you know, holding hands,
233
00:13:48,911 --> 00:13:51,080
and my wife is looking at it.
She was like, "Oh!"
234
00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:54,416
"This is nice. I like this.
235
00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:59,213
I think it,
I think it matches our values, and, uh..."
236
00:14:01,590 --> 00:14:04,927
"I think it's a good environment
for the kids."
237
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:08,222
"What do you think, babe? What you think?"
238
00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:11,559
And I was like, "Well, first of all,
239
00:14:12,476 --> 00:14:14,812
you know you ain't supposed
to be smoking in here."
240
00:14:14,895 --> 00:14:15,938
[audience laughing]
241
00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:23,404
"Public building. What you doing?"
242
00:14:25,239 --> 00:14:28,158
And I was like, "I can't believe
you're falling for this shit."
243
00:14:28,242 --> 00:14:31,453
"You know they just put this up
'cause they knew we were coming."
244
00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:34,206
"You take that rainbow flag down,
245
00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:36,959
there is a Trump 2024 poster back there."
246
00:14:37,042 --> 00:14:38,042
[audience laughing]
247
00:14:42,131 --> 00:14:44,008
But it turns out, I was wrong.
248
00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:47,553
That is the mission of the school,
inclusivity. Yeah.
249
00:14:48,095 --> 00:14:50,347
[audience applauding]
250
00:14:53,767 --> 00:14:55,519
And it really touched me, you know?
251
00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:58,856
'Cause I was like,
"Man, just think, I mean, like,
252
00:14:58,939 --> 00:15:00,941
how my life would be different,
253
00:15:01,025 --> 00:15:04,069
you know, if it were like that
when I was coming up?"
254
00:15:04,570 --> 00:15:07,239
Like, if I... If I was able
to go to a school like that.
255
00:15:07,948 --> 00:15:08,991
I was like, "Man,
256
00:15:09,491 --> 00:15:13,162
I could've saved myself
a lot of unnecessary dick in my life."
257
00:15:13,245 --> 00:15:15,247
[audience laughing]
258
00:15:18,125 --> 00:15:19,251
[audience whooping]
259
00:15:20,127 --> 00:15:22,588
I didn't, I didn't need all that dick!
260
00:15:24,298 --> 00:15:25,633
That dick weren't for me.
261
00:15:26,634 --> 00:15:28,761
That was Carol's dick.
That wasn't my dick.
262
00:15:37,227 --> 00:15:39,688
Because I knew, I knew. I...
263
00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:42,024
I knew in the third grade. Yeah.
264
00:15:42,107 --> 00:15:44,401
I remember having a crush on,
265
00:15:44,485 --> 00:15:47,196
uh, my brother's girlfriend's, uh, sister.
266
00:15:47,279 --> 00:15:50,324
She was an older girl,
and I remember telling her, you know,
267
00:15:50,407 --> 00:15:55,079
I... I said, "You know, I wish I were a boy
and then you could be my girlfriend."
268
00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:57,164
Yeah. Cute, right?
269
00:15:57,790 --> 00:15:59,249
That bitch shut me down.
270
00:16:00,167 --> 00:16:02,628
Oh my gosh, she crushed me.
271
00:16:02,711 --> 00:16:06,340
She was like,
"You don't say that. That's disgusting."
272
00:16:06,423 --> 00:16:08,217
"That's nasty. You're nasty."
273
00:16:08,300 --> 00:16:12,221
You don't like girls, you like boys.
You don't like girls, you like boys."
274
00:16:12,846 --> 00:16:15,224
And, and I was like, "Okay," you know.
275
00:16:15,307 --> 00:16:17,309
"I guess I'll put this in a box."
276
00:16:19,061 --> 00:16:21,188
"Deal with it when I can afford therapy."
277
00:16:21,271 --> 00:16:22,398
[audience laughing]
278
00:16:24,358 --> 00:16:25,776
"I guess bring on the dick."
279
00:16:25,859 --> 00:16:26,902
[audience laughing]
280
00:16:34,451 --> 00:16:36,537
And even then, it took me a long time.
281
00:16:36,620 --> 00:16:41,125
Like, I was a, I was a virgin
until I was a junior in college. Yeah.
282
00:16:41,208 --> 00:16:44,461
And even then, I was just like,
"Let me just get this over with."
283
00:16:45,462 --> 00:16:47,798
And I found the shortest guy
284
00:16:47,881 --> 00:16:49,967
with the littlest hands I could find.
285
00:16:50,050 --> 00:16:51,051
[audience laughing]
286
00:16:52,469 --> 00:16:53,469
Teeny hands.
287
00:16:58,434 --> 00:17:01,770
'Cause I was like, you know,
"I ain't trying to have a whole meal."
288
00:17:05,107 --> 00:17:07,401
I was just looking for toppers, you know.
289
00:17:11,405 --> 00:17:12,489
Just do toppers.
290
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:19,329
And he was nice, he was nice,
291
00:17:19,413 --> 00:17:21,832
so then I started having sex
with guys, you know.
292
00:17:21,915 --> 00:17:24,376
But you know,
it never really did anything for me,
293
00:17:24,460 --> 00:17:26,045
but they seemed to enjoy it.
294
00:17:26,587 --> 00:17:28,047
[audience laughing]
295
00:17:28,130 --> 00:17:31,216
And I guess that was enough for me,
'cause, you know,
296
00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:33,010
I'm an entertainer.
297
00:17:33,093 --> 00:17:34,093
[audience laughing]
298
00:17:34,136 --> 00:17:35,721
[audience cheering, applauding]
299
00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:45,981
I'll give you a show.
300
00:17:47,483 --> 00:17:50,944
But these kids know, man. These kids know.
301
00:17:51,028 --> 00:17:55,240
My daughter has a, has a friend,
little gay boy, Justin. Yeah.
302
00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:57,409
I was talking to my wife.
I said, "You know,
303
00:17:57,493 --> 00:18:00,829
Olivia's gonna ask us if Justin
can come over for a sleepover."
304
00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:03,999
"How do you feel about that?
She's like, "Well..."
305
00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:05,167
[audience laughing]
306
00:18:06,293 --> 00:18:07,336
"You know, Justin..."
307
00:18:07,419 --> 00:18:09,213
[speaking French]
308
00:18:09,296 --> 00:18:12,758
"...and, you know,
I like his parents, so..."
309
00:18:13,467 --> 00:18:15,761
"Yeah, I'm okay. Are you okay?"
310
00:18:15,844 --> 00:18:17,846
I was like, "Yeah, I'm okay with it."
311
00:18:18,347 --> 00:18:21,975
I said, "But I will have a conversation
with Justin when he gets here."
312
00:18:22,059 --> 00:18:25,687
"I'll be like, 'Look, Justin,
now when you walked through my door,
313
00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:26,605
you were gay.'"
314
00:18:26,688 --> 00:18:27,731
[audience laughing]
315
00:18:34,238 --> 00:18:36,865
"'That's how you better
leave here in the morning.'"
316
00:18:36,949 --> 00:18:38,033
[audience laughing]
317
00:18:40,327 --> 00:18:41,327
"'All right?'"
318
00:18:42,329 --> 00:18:45,207
"'I don't wanna hear
no bi-curious shit over breakfast.'"
319
00:18:51,088 --> 00:18:52,798
These kids know, man.
320
00:18:52,881 --> 00:18:55,300
And they out there
trying to go backwards, right?
321
00:18:55,384 --> 00:18:56,468
Florida.
322
00:18:56,552 --> 00:18:59,429
"Don't Say Gay" ban. What the hell, right?
323
00:18:59,513 --> 00:19:03,142
Tennessee, no kids can go
to the drag shows.
324
00:19:04,101 --> 00:19:06,436
Like that was a problem
in the first place.
325
00:19:08,188 --> 00:19:11,733
Oh, I can't tell you
how many drag shows I've been to
326
00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:16,071
and everybody's up in arms because they
ran out of highchairs and booster seats.
327
00:19:17,322 --> 00:19:19,032
What the fuck is wrong with them?
328
00:19:25,038 --> 00:19:29,376
At the library, they even stopped
the, the drag queen's, uh, story hour.
329
00:19:29,459 --> 00:19:31,879
They were reading books to kids,
and they stopped that.
330
00:19:31,962 --> 00:19:36,216
They said, "Well, a man
dressed as a woman is confusing to kids."
331
00:19:36,842 --> 00:19:38,844
Well, have you seen Sesame Street?
332
00:19:38,927 --> 00:19:39,970
[audience laughing]
333
00:19:41,513 --> 00:19:45,309
I think if the kids
can figure out Snuffleupagus,
334
00:19:45,851 --> 00:19:47,352
they can handle RuPaul.
335
00:19:48,228 --> 00:19:49,813
[audience laughing, applauding]
336
00:19:55,319 --> 00:19:56,195
Texas.
337
00:19:56,278 --> 00:19:59,114
They're banning books in Texas.
Banning books.
338
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:00,949
"Well, we're protecting the kids."
339
00:20:01,742 --> 00:20:03,869
Well, if you really want
to protect the kids,
340
00:20:03,952 --> 00:20:06,413
ban assault weapons,
that's what's killing the kids.
341
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:08,206
Not the books.
342
00:20:09,416 --> 00:20:11,084
[audience cheering, applauding]
343
00:20:20,260 --> 00:20:21,261
I mean,
344
00:20:21,345 --> 00:20:24,264
until a drag queen walks into a school
345
00:20:24,348 --> 00:20:28,227
and beats eight kids to death
with a copy of To Kill a Mockingbird...
346
00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:29,353
[audience laughing]
347
00:20:30,812 --> 00:20:32,940
I think you're focusing on the wrong shit.
348
00:20:33,982 --> 00:20:35,984
[audience cheering, applauding]
349
00:20:41,823 --> 00:20:43,617
And you're not protecting the kids.
350
00:20:43,700 --> 00:20:46,703
You're protecting homophobia,
that's what you're protecting.
351
00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:49,831
And transphobia is rampant.
352
00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:52,751
Hundreds of bills
being introduced across the country,
353
00:20:52,834 --> 00:20:56,088
and it seems like it,
it comes down to bathrooms.
354
00:20:56,171 --> 00:20:59,800
They really don't want trans women
to use the ladies' room.
355
00:20:59,883 --> 00:21:01,260
Let me tell you something.
356
00:21:01,343 --> 00:21:05,013
For anybody who's ever been
to a ladies' room,
357
00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:07,474
there ain't nothing ladylike in there.
358
00:21:09,226 --> 00:21:12,187
If you go into a public ladies' room
and it's clean,
359
00:21:12,271 --> 00:21:15,065
you better play the lottery,
'cause you got lucky.
360
00:21:17,317 --> 00:21:21,697
I don't know what the fuck happens
to women when we go into that restroom.
361
00:21:22,656 --> 00:21:26,451
It's like, you could see a woman,
she could be in, in heels and,
362
00:21:26,535 --> 00:21:29,621
and a fucking gown and a, and a tiara.
363
00:21:29,705 --> 00:21:33,208
As soon as she crosses that threshold
of the ladies' room, it's...
364
00:21:33,292 --> 00:21:34,376
[growling, groaning]
365
00:21:38,839 --> 00:21:40,090
[audience laughing]
366
00:21:49,016 --> 00:21:50,016
What the fuck?
367
00:21:54,396 --> 00:21:56,857
Would it kill you to flush, ladies?
368
00:21:57,357 --> 00:21:59,359
Just a flush, please!
369
00:22:02,070 --> 00:22:06,742
And it's always that one stall,
where the door is just slightly ajar.
370
00:22:08,035 --> 00:22:10,078
Ooh, you don't go in there.
371
00:22:12,205 --> 00:22:13,790
Something's God-awful in there.
372
00:22:17,502 --> 00:22:21,548
And there's always that one woman in line
who just can't wait, and she's like...
373
00:22:23,091 --> 00:22:26,261
"Um, ladies, is, is,
is anyone using that one?"
374
00:22:28,180 --> 00:22:29,222
[audience laughing]
375
00:22:30,474 --> 00:22:31,558
"Go ahead."
376
00:22:34,269 --> 00:22:37,105
"Knock yourself out, Nancy Drew.
Go ahead."
377
00:22:40,734 --> 00:22:42,819
And she's like, "Oh, thank you! Thank you"
378
00:22:49,201 --> 00:22:51,870
"Oh, God! Oh, God!!" [gagging]
379
00:22:54,081 --> 00:22:55,081
Dumbass.
380
00:22:59,586 --> 00:23:04,508
I... I went into one stall,
and everything was clean,
381
00:23:04,591 --> 00:23:07,427
except there was a,
a puddle of pee on the floor.
382
00:23:08,553 --> 00:23:10,680
I was like, "What the fuck happened here?"
383
00:23:11,264 --> 00:23:13,642
And I thought about it.
I was like, "I know what."
384
00:23:13,725 --> 00:23:15,602
"She probably lost her hover skills."
385
00:23:16,978 --> 00:23:17,979
[audience laughing]
386
00:23:22,192 --> 00:23:24,194
She probably was in there hovering,
387
00:23:24,277 --> 00:23:26,113
and that knee went out on her.
388
00:23:27,614 --> 00:23:29,616
[groaning] "Damn it! Aah"
389
00:23:31,076 --> 00:23:32,369
"Oh shit."
390
00:23:34,037 --> 00:23:35,330
"I got pee in my shoe."
391
00:23:36,164 --> 00:23:37,164
"Damn it."
392
00:23:38,041 --> 00:23:39,251
"This is some bullshit."
393
00:23:47,050 --> 00:23:50,011
And sometimes your hover skills
can be on point,
394
00:23:50,095 --> 00:23:52,848
but, you know,
our bodies are so complex that,
395
00:23:52,931 --> 00:23:55,684
you know, I don't know
if it's a wild hair or something,
396
00:23:56,226 --> 00:23:59,813
but sometimes you go,
and you get two streams coming out.
397
00:23:59,896 --> 00:24:03,692
One's going down your thigh,
one's shooting out that way.
398
00:24:03,775 --> 00:24:04,985
Like, what the...
399
00:24:06,069 --> 00:24:09,156
And then you try to marry it together,
like, "Come on, y'all!"
400
00:24:10,699 --> 00:24:13,702
"Come on.
Come on, work with me, y'all, come on."
401
00:24:14,661 --> 00:24:17,456
"Ah, shit. Damn it, this is some..."
402
00:24:17,539 --> 00:24:21,042
[groaning] "All right, come...
All right, come on."
403
00:24:22,085 --> 00:24:24,921
Ah. Peeing like a scorpion,
you're like, "This is some..."
404
00:24:26,339 --> 00:24:28,925
"Pee just went in my booty hole.
This is not right."
405
00:24:29,468 --> 00:24:30,802
"This is not right."
406
00:24:37,601 --> 00:24:39,436
And then,
and then when you give up and say,
407
00:24:39,519 --> 00:24:41,021
"I'm just gonna use a seat cover,"
408
00:24:41,688 --> 00:24:44,149
you go in there
and put the seat cover down,
409
00:24:44,232 --> 00:24:45,692
and as soon as you turn around...
410
00:24:45,775 --> 00:24:46,902
[imitating water flushing]
411
00:24:46,985 --> 00:24:50,113
...the toilet flush
and snatches your seat cover!
412
00:24:50,197 --> 00:24:51,198
[audience laughing]
413
00:24:54,784 --> 00:24:57,579
You're like, "Shit, I'm just gonna
pee on the floor. Fuck this."
414
00:25:03,793 --> 00:25:08,465
So I welcome my trans sisters
into the ladies' room.
415
00:25:08,548 --> 00:25:09,633
Please.
416
00:25:09,716 --> 00:25:12,260
Maybe, maybe you'll make us do better,
you know.
417
00:25:13,386 --> 00:25:16,181
We'll be like, "Come on, ladies!"
418
00:25:16,932 --> 00:25:18,975
"Let's pick it up around here."
419
00:25:19,059 --> 00:25:21,436
"We got some new members
coming in, come on."
420
00:25:26,650 --> 00:25:30,237
My son, Lucas,
he's been, uh, begging me for a snake.
421
00:25:30,737 --> 00:25:34,533
Yeah, that's it. For years.
For years, a snake. Yeah. Yeah.
422
00:25:34,616 --> 00:25:37,536
"Mommy-boo, can I please have a snake?"
423
00:25:37,619 --> 00:25:41,039
Yeah, they still call me "Mommy-boo"
'cause they're racist, you know.
424
00:25:41,122 --> 00:25:42,666
[audience laughing]
425
00:25:46,711 --> 00:25:49,464
And I'm like,
"Lucas, you're not getting a snake."
426
00:25:49,548 --> 00:25:52,801
Every Christmas, "Mommy..."
Every birthday, "Can I have a snake?"
427
00:25:52,884 --> 00:25:56,596
And I finally just snapped. I was like,
"Look, Lucas, you're not getting a snake!"
428
00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:57,764
And he's like, "Why?"
429
00:25:57,847 --> 00:26:00,725
I said, "'Cause I'm just not
gonna let you be that white."
430
00:26:00,809 --> 00:26:01,810
[audience laughing]
431
00:26:03,228 --> 00:26:05,021
And I had to break it down for him.
432
00:26:05,105 --> 00:26:08,942
I said, "Look, man, you, you,
you have a Black mother, okay?"
433
00:26:09,025 --> 00:26:11,486
"Black women just
don't tolerate stupid shit."
434
00:26:12,362 --> 00:26:13,738
"It makes our ass itch."
435
00:26:15,031 --> 00:26:18,785
"I mean, getting a snake and bringing it
in the house and calling it a pet?"
436
00:26:18,868 --> 00:26:19,868
"That's dumb."
437
00:26:20,662 --> 00:26:23,498
"That's just dumb.
Know what else you're not gonna do?"
438
00:26:23,582 --> 00:26:25,875
"Extreme sports.
You can forget about that."
439
00:26:25,959 --> 00:26:29,546
"I ain't buying you a bike, and now
you up there flipping all up in the air."
440
00:26:29,629 --> 00:26:33,508
"That's not the way that bike's supposed
to be ridden. You ain't doing that."
441
00:26:36,720 --> 00:26:37,720
And then he goes,
442
00:26:38,263 --> 00:26:42,392
"Uh, is that why you won't let me
wear shorts when it's cold?"
443
00:26:42,475 --> 00:26:45,478
"Exactly, Rashad. Exactly."
444
00:26:45,562 --> 00:26:46,605
[audience laughing]
445
00:26:50,025 --> 00:26:51,192
He's like, "Rashad?"
446
00:26:51,276 --> 00:26:53,756
I said, "Don't worry, you...
You'll find out. You'll find out."
447
00:26:55,697 --> 00:27:00,035
I tell you, lockdown was rough for me.
It was. It was rough, man.
448
00:27:00,118 --> 00:27:03,538
'Cause everything racial
popped off, right?
449
00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:08,585
George Floyd,
Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery.
450
00:27:08,668 --> 00:27:10,587
The country's on fire.
451
00:27:10,670 --> 00:27:12,881
And I'm stuck in the house
with white people.
452
00:27:12,964 --> 00:27:13,964
[audience laughing]
453
00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:18,053
And Ahmaud Arbery
put me over the edge, man.
454
00:27:18,136 --> 00:27:19,554
That, that one broke me.
455
00:27:19,638 --> 00:27:23,516
So, you know, I was outside,
standing by the fire pit,
456
00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:25,560
upset, drinking,
457
00:27:26,227 --> 00:27:28,605
Wearing my "I Matter" T-shirt.
458
00:27:32,233 --> 00:27:33,233
[audience laughing]
459
00:27:41,743 --> 00:27:43,161
And my wife comes outside.
460
00:27:43,244 --> 00:27:44,829
She comes over, she goes,
461
00:27:44,913 --> 00:27:46,790
"Uh, babe?"
462
00:27:50,835 --> 00:27:55,840
"I know you're upset and all,
you know, about, uh..."
463
00:27:56,466 --> 00:28:02,055
"About all the racism
and all, and, you know..."
464
00:28:05,517 --> 00:28:09,104
"You know, I'm sorry, uh, you know, that..."
465
00:28:10,689 --> 00:28:11,856
"That, you know..."
466
00:28:13,024 --> 00:28:14,024
"You know..."
467
00:28:15,568 --> 00:28:17,570
"Racism."
468
00:28:18,530 --> 00:28:21,491
"But, you know, the kids, they are,
469
00:28:21,574 --> 00:28:23,952
they're a little worried about you."
470
00:28:24,035 --> 00:28:26,454
"They say, 'Why Mommy-boo upset?'"
471
00:28:27,706 --> 00:28:31,793
"So, you know, maybe you can
go talk to them about the, um,
472
00:28:34,379 --> 00:28:35,630
you know,
473
00:28:36,756 --> 00:28:37,882
racism."
474
00:28:39,759 --> 00:28:41,559
I looked at her, I said,
"You know what, Alex,
475
00:28:41,636 --> 00:28:44,973
why don't you go talk to them
about the racism?"
476
00:28:45,056 --> 00:28:48,601
"'Cause I can't explain things
that are being done to me."
477
00:28:48,685 --> 00:28:51,521
"I can't explain that,
so why don't you go talk to them?"
478
00:28:51,604 --> 00:28:54,365
"A matter of fact, why don't you go talk
to them about white supremacy
479
00:28:54,441 --> 00:28:57,610
and make sure we ain't raising
a Proud Boy up in this motherfucker?"
480
00:28:57,694 --> 00:28:59,112
"Why don't you go do that?"
481
00:28:59,195 --> 00:29:00,780
[audience cheering, applauding]
482
00:29:09,205 --> 00:29:10,039
Huh.
483
00:29:10,123 --> 00:29:11,123
[audience laughing]
484
00:29:20,842 --> 00:29:22,510
"I can make us some crêpes."
485
00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:29,601
She made crêpes.
486
00:29:31,686 --> 00:29:32,896
And they were delicious.
487
00:29:36,733 --> 00:29:38,276
But I get it, though.
488
00:29:39,486 --> 00:29:40,820
I get it. I get it.
489
00:29:40,904 --> 00:29:43,239
'Cause it's uncomfortable
to talk about, right?
490
00:29:43,323 --> 00:29:47,327
And I was sick of explaining it to her,
so I said, "You know what?"
491
00:29:47,410 --> 00:29:50,121
"I'm just gonna start
pointing shit out for her."
492
00:29:50,205 --> 00:29:53,333
So we had to go to the bank
to drop some paperwork off, right?
493
00:29:53,416 --> 00:29:55,835
So my wife is driving, I'm in the car.
494
00:29:56,377 --> 00:29:57,545
We pull up to the bank.
495
00:29:58,713 --> 00:30:01,591
And I noticed
the parking lot was kind of scarce,
496
00:30:01,674 --> 00:30:05,136
and I didn't see any...
any activity going on in the bank.
497
00:30:05,845 --> 00:30:10,683
So she's like, "Yeah, just go, you know...
just take the papers in the bank
498
00:30:10,767 --> 00:30:13,061
and, uh, okay, just drop it off."
499
00:30:13,645 --> 00:30:16,648
And I'm looking, I'm like,
"Are you sure it's open?"
500
00:30:19,067 --> 00:30:20,318
"I think so."
501
00:30:21,444 --> 00:30:23,446
"You know, just... just go and, uh..."
502
00:30:30,912 --> 00:30:33,373
"I am not going up to a bank and..."
503
00:30:37,669 --> 00:30:38,795
"But, but why?"
504
00:30:38,878 --> 00:30:41,214
"'Cause Black people
don't go up to banks and..."
505
00:30:41,297 --> 00:30:42,298
[audience laughing]
506
00:30:44,259 --> 00:30:47,220
"You know why? 'Cause somebody
will call the cops and say,
507
00:30:47,303 --> 00:30:50,265
"Hey, there's a Black woman
trying to break into the bank.'"
508
00:30:50,932 --> 00:30:52,517
"'She looks like Wanda Sykes.'"
509
00:30:52,600 --> 00:30:53,600
[audience laughing]
510
00:30:59,566 --> 00:31:03,278
She didn't get it. She didn't get it.
She thought I was being ridiculous. Yeah.
511
00:31:03,361 --> 00:31:04,946
But I understand why,
512
00:31:05,029 --> 00:31:07,657
because she does
whatever the fuck she wants to do.
513
00:31:07,740 --> 00:31:10,451
Yeah. We were in France, right?
Had to go to the grocery store.
514
00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:15,248
We're about to cross the street,
the dude's closing the gate of the store.
515
00:31:15,832 --> 00:31:19,210
And I go, "Ah, babe, we're too late."
She said, "No, we're not."
516
00:31:19,294 --> 00:31:20,920
She ran across the street...
517
00:31:22,547 --> 00:31:23,548
[audience laughing]
518
00:31:36,019 --> 00:31:39,397
I backed the fuck up and went home.
519
00:31:40,982 --> 00:31:42,275
Like, America home.
520
00:31:46,112 --> 00:31:47,572
But that's how she rolls.
521
00:31:54,037 --> 00:31:57,415
And then something happened
that, that got to her.
522
00:31:57,498 --> 00:31:59,959
We were, uh,
standing in the backyard or whatever,
523
00:32:00,043 --> 00:32:01,878
and during, during the shutdown,
524
00:32:01,961 --> 00:32:05,298
they built three new homes next to us.
Big homes, right?
525
00:32:05,381 --> 00:32:07,091
So my wife is standing out in back,
526
00:32:07,175 --> 00:32:09,177
and she's looking at the house,
and she's like...
527
00:32:09,719 --> 00:32:10,719
[grunting]
528
00:32:12,764 --> 00:32:14,599
"Hey, babe, I think, uh,
529
00:32:14,682 --> 00:32:18,478
"I think that window
is going to be a problem
530
00:32:18,561 --> 00:32:23,232
because, uh, they can see
into our, uh, master bath."
531
00:32:23,316 --> 00:32:25,360
"I don't, I don't like that window."
532
00:32:25,443 --> 00:32:29,030
And I was like, "Well, babe, I mean,
we have window treatment, it's cool."
533
00:32:29,113 --> 00:32:31,157
"We'll just close our blinds,
it's all good."
534
00:32:32,158 --> 00:32:33,158
Hmm.
535
00:32:34,035 --> 00:32:35,036
Hmm.
536
00:32:35,119 --> 00:32:37,497
And when she does that "Hmm, hmm",
537
00:32:38,206 --> 00:32:39,749
oh, it ain't over.
538
00:32:40,667 --> 00:32:41,876
She ain't letting it go.
539
00:32:42,919 --> 00:32:44,045
Right?
540
00:32:44,128 --> 00:32:45,213
And she didn't.
541
00:32:45,296 --> 00:32:48,716
A couple days later, I'm in the house,
my phone rings. It's Alex.
542
00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:50,927
I'm like,
"Why is she calling me? She's home."
543
00:32:51,719 --> 00:32:53,805
So I'm like, "Hey, babe, you, you okay?"
544
00:32:53,888 --> 00:32:58,476
"Yes. Uh, can you go up to our master bath
and look out the window, please?"
545
00:32:59,310 --> 00:33:00,937
So I go upstairs.
546
00:33:01,896 --> 00:33:03,147
I open the blinds.
547
00:33:03,815 --> 00:33:08,361
There she is in the house
being under construction.
548
00:33:08,444 --> 00:33:11,239
She's in the window over there.
I'm like, "What are you doing?"
549
00:33:11,322 --> 00:33:12,991
She's like, whoo-hoo.
550
00:33:13,074 --> 00:33:14,200
[audience laughing]
551
00:33:16,494 --> 00:33:18,329
"I can see you!"
552
00:33:18,955 --> 00:33:20,081
"You see me?"
553
00:33:20,164 --> 00:33:22,208
I'm like, "Get out of that house!"
554
00:33:22,750 --> 00:33:24,210
"Oh, I just wanted to see.
555
00:33:24,293 --> 00:33:26,004
I told you this was going
to be a problem."
556
00:33:26,087 --> 00:33:27,380
"Get out of that house!"
557
00:33:29,090 --> 00:33:30,675
"Okay, okay."
558
00:33:35,680 --> 00:33:39,183
So she comes home. I am livid, right?
559
00:33:39,267 --> 00:33:41,019
She's like, "What is your problem?"
560
00:33:41,102 --> 00:33:43,521
I said, "Do you know what you just did?"
561
00:33:43,604 --> 00:33:46,566
I said, "You did exactly
what Ahmaud Arbery did."
562
00:33:46,649 --> 00:33:50,278
"There was a house under construction,
he's being nosy, checking it out."
563
00:33:50,361 --> 00:33:52,697
I said, "But when he left,
they chased him down
564
00:33:52,780 --> 00:33:54,657
and murdered him
in the middle of the street."
565
00:33:54,741 --> 00:33:58,202
"If they caught you in that house,
they would've chased you down
566
00:33:58,286 --> 00:34:00,621
and asked if you wanted to see
the other two models."
567
00:34:00,705 --> 00:34:01,748
[audience laughing]
568
00:34:09,547 --> 00:34:11,841
She got it. She got it then.
569
00:34:12,383 --> 00:34:14,177
She was like, "Oh shit."
570
00:34:14,927 --> 00:34:17,096
Yeah, she dropped her accent
and everything.
571
00:34:18,723 --> 00:34:20,016
Put her cigarette out,
572
00:34:22,393 --> 00:34:24,771
and punched Carol in the liver.
I was like, "Damn!"
573
00:34:27,190 --> 00:34:29,817
She got it. She got it. Yeah.
574
00:34:30,401 --> 00:34:34,322
She realized it's privilege,
you know, it's privilege.
575
00:34:34,405 --> 00:34:39,494
She can do what I can't do,
you know, without consequences, right?
576
00:34:40,161 --> 00:34:42,622
Like, like,
like Black people can't be weird.
577
00:34:43,539 --> 00:34:46,751
We can't. We have,
we have to fit the stereotype.
578
00:34:46,834 --> 00:34:49,670
We don't fit the stereotype,
it freaks people out.
579
00:34:49,754 --> 00:34:53,591
It... It's like how people are blown away
that Lizzo can play the flute.
580
00:34:53,674 --> 00:34:54,926
[audience laughing]
581
00:34:58,096 --> 00:35:00,890
"Did you know
that Lizzo can play the flute?"
582
00:35:00,973 --> 00:35:03,726
"Really?" "Yes, an actual flute!"
583
00:35:04,602 --> 00:35:08,815
"She doesn't even play it with her asshole
or anything, she just plays the flute."
584
00:35:09,565 --> 00:35:10,733
"Like, classical."
585
00:35:14,487 --> 00:35:15,488
Can't be weird.
586
00:35:16,072 --> 00:35:17,406
Look at Elijah McClain.
587
00:35:18,241 --> 00:35:21,160
Elijah McClain,
young Black man in Aurora. Yeah.
588
00:35:21,744 --> 00:35:23,079
He was, uh, walking home,
589
00:35:23,162 --> 00:35:24,882
it was cold outside,
had a little jacket on.
590
00:35:24,914 --> 00:35:28,042
He was walking home
and he was listening to his music.
591
00:35:28,126 --> 00:35:30,503
He was waving his hands,
walking, listening to his music,
592
00:35:30,586 --> 00:35:32,338
walking home, minding his business.
593
00:35:32,421 --> 00:35:34,340
Somebody called the cops.
594
00:35:34,423 --> 00:35:37,426
"Hey, there's a Black guy acting weird."
595
00:35:37,510 --> 00:35:38,928
"Seems sketchy."
596
00:35:39,011 --> 00:35:40,388
So the cops show up.
597
00:35:40,471 --> 00:35:44,016
They question him, and, and,
and Elijah's like, "I'm fine. I'm fine."
598
00:35:44,100 --> 00:35:46,561
"I'm... I'm an introvert, I'm fine."
599
00:35:46,644 --> 00:35:50,481
Cops think he's on drugs,
so they call the paramedics.
600
00:35:50,565 --> 00:35:54,360
Paramedics hold him down,
shoot him up with ketamine, killed him.
601
00:35:55,069 --> 00:35:57,196
Yeah, just for being weird.
602
00:35:57,280 --> 00:35:59,282
Then the cops tried to justify it.
603
00:35:59,365 --> 00:36:03,578
"Well, I mean, it was cold outside.
He had on a little, thin jacket."
604
00:36:03,661 --> 00:36:07,290
Like, well, what about those people
at the Green Bay Packer games?
605
00:36:07,373 --> 00:36:10,751
Standing outside in the snowbank,
no shirt on,
606
00:36:10,835 --> 00:36:13,421
with a block of styrofoam cheese
on their head?
607
00:36:13,504 --> 00:36:15,173
That's some weird shit.
608
00:36:18,384 --> 00:36:20,553
White people do weird shit all the time.
609
00:36:20,636 --> 00:36:23,389
Renaissance fairs, what the fuck is that?
610
00:36:23,472 --> 00:36:24,473
[audience laughing]
611
00:36:28,686 --> 00:36:29,812
I don't get it.
612
00:36:32,523 --> 00:36:34,775
You know what was weird?
You know what was weird?
613
00:36:34,859 --> 00:36:37,320
That fucking, uh, uh, shaman guy.
614
00:36:37,403 --> 00:36:40,031
On January sixth,
that shaman motherfucker.
615
00:36:40,114 --> 00:36:43,284
Half man, half horse,
what the fuck was that?
616
00:36:43,367 --> 00:36:47,288
His face was painted,
uh, blue and white, whatever,
617
00:36:48,080 --> 00:36:52,919
wearing that fucking flag,
got fucking hat with horns on it and shit.
618
00:36:53,419 --> 00:36:56,172
You know, where was
the call to the cops for that guy?
619
00:36:56,255 --> 00:36:59,508
"Hey, there's a weird motherfucker
about to leave his house."
620
00:37:00,551 --> 00:37:02,178
"This is some crazy shit."
621
00:37:02,261 --> 00:37:04,263
Where's the call for that guy?
622
00:37:05,139 --> 00:37:06,807
He shouldn't even made it to DC.
623
00:37:06,891 --> 00:37:09,810
They should've shot him
as soon as he walked out of his door.
624
00:37:10,478 --> 00:37:12,188
Tagged him and put him in the zoo.
625
00:37:12,271 --> 00:37:13,271
[audience laughing]
626
00:37:16,400 --> 00:37:17,400
[Wanda laughing]
627
00:37:18,527 --> 00:37:19,904
Oh my gosh.
628
00:37:19,987 --> 00:37:22,865
January sixth, man. Wow.
629
00:37:22,949 --> 00:37:24,992
That was some... That was the epitome of,
630
00:37:25,076 --> 00:37:27,286
of white privilege like that, right there.
631
00:37:27,370 --> 00:37:29,747
That was the epitome of white privilege.
632
00:37:30,581 --> 00:37:31,581
January sixth...
633
00:37:31,624 --> 00:37:33,251
[audience cheering, applauding]
634
00:37:33,834 --> 00:37:35,586
Never seen no shit like that.
635
00:37:35,670 --> 00:37:37,755
Black people were watching
January sixth like,
636
00:37:37,838 --> 00:37:40,633
"What in the Wakanda forever
is going on here?"
637
00:37:43,219 --> 00:37:46,722
I mean, they were just
climbing up the walls,
638
00:37:46,806 --> 00:37:49,934
I mean, just scaling the walls
of the Capitol.
639
00:37:50,017 --> 00:37:52,979
And I mean, it,
it looked like a, a zombie herd.
640
00:37:53,062 --> 00:37:55,189
They looked like a zombie herd, man.
641
00:37:55,273 --> 00:37:58,526
You know, just, just like
they'd been bit, you know,
642
00:37:58,609 --> 00:38:01,821
like Giuliani bit all of them.
They were just infected.
643
00:38:04,323 --> 00:38:07,326
They had that crazed look
in their eyes, you know.
644
00:38:07,410 --> 00:38:09,453
"Nancy!"
645
00:38:10,288 --> 00:38:12,915
"Nancy!"
646
00:38:13,416 --> 00:38:16,335
You know, hair dye
dripping down the side of their face.
647
00:38:16,419 --> 00:38:19,797
"Nancy!"
648
00:38:20,798 --> 00:38:21,882
[audience laughing]
649
00:38:25,803 --> 00:38:28,848
You know what was really bad
about January sixth?
650
00:38:28,931 --> 00:38:31,892
Look at our congresspeople. They're old.
651
00:38:32,893 --> 00:38:35,521
You can't scare old people like that!
652
00:38:36,480 --> 00:38:38,941
Y'all, they made old people hide.
653
00:38:39,775 --> 00:38:41,235
You know how painful that is?
654
00:38:41,861 --> 00:38:45,865
I remember when I turned 50,
I'm playing hide-and-seek with my kids.
655
00:38:45,948 --> 00:38:48,617
I'm stuck underneath a coffee table.
656
00:38:48,701 --> 00:38:51,203
After a while, I was like,
"Shit, this shit hurts."
657
00:38:51,287 --> 00:38:54,832
I started making noise.
"Hey, I'm over here!"
658
00:38:55,875 --> 00:38:57,209
"Come find my ass!"
659
00:39:00,254 --> 00:39:02,548
I'm like,
"I ain't playing this shit no more."
660
00:39:03,549 --> 00:39:06,927
I mean, come on,
you can't tell Chuck Grassley to scramble.
661
00:39:08,054 --> 00:39:09,972
"Come on, Chuck, we gotta hide. Let's go!"
662
00:39:10,056 --> 00:39:11,056
"Huh?"
663
00:39:12,099 --> 00:39:13,142
"What? Uh-ha."
664
00:39:14,685 --> 00:39:16,062
"What did you say? Ha?"
665
00:39:17,146 --> 00:39:19,065
"Gotta hide, huh?"
666
00:39:22,026 --> 00:39:24,779
They all should have just hid
under Mitch McConnell's chin.
667
00:39:26,238 --> 00:39:27,865
Never would've found them there.
668
00:39:27,948 --> 00:39:29,909
[audience laughing, cheering]
669
00:39:44,173 --> 00:39:49,220
Now, now watch some Democrat come at me
for making fun of Mitch McConnell's chin.
670
00:39:49,303 --> 00:39:50,137
Yeah.
671
00:39:50,221 --> 00:39:52,431
They'd probably be like
Cory Booker or somebody,
672
00:39:52,515 --> 00:39:54,642
you know, on his IG run.
673
00:39:54,725 --> 00:39:59,313
"You know, taking jabs at jowls
does not move the conversation forward."
674
00:39:59,397 --> 00:40:00,398
[audience laughing]
675
00:40:03,776 --> 00:40:04,860
Annoying!
676
00:40:06,070 --> 00:40:11,784
You know that'll happen, because
when they go low, we go high, right? Yeah.
677
00:40:11,867 --> 00:40:14,662
That's bullshit. I'm sick of that!
Sick of going high!
678
00:40:15,454 --> 00:40:17,623
I want to go low, I want to have some fun!
679
00:40:20,835 --> 00:40:23,712
'Cause being a Democrat is painful, y'all.
680
00:40:23,796 --> 00:40:27,716
It's pain... It's like
getting a wedgie every fucking day.
681
00:40:28,926 --> 00:40:30,177
Just got to take it!
682
00:40:32,138 --> 00:40:33,764
'Cause they make up all kinds of shit,
683
00:40:33,848 --> 00:40:38,602
but why do we have to be
handcuffed to, to facts and reality
684
00:40:39,770 --> 00:40:42,356
when they're living
in some alternate universe,
685
00:40:42,440 --> 00:40:43,732
just making up shit?
686
00:40:45,317 --> 00:40:48,320
'Cause, you know, politics is just
straight-up entertainment now,
687
00:40:48,404 --> 00:40:50,281
especially on the Republican side.
688
00:40:50,364 --> 00:40:53,868
A, A... All they're doing is entertaining.
You know what it's like?
689
00:40:53,951 --> 00:40:57,288
It's like the Dems are PBS,
690
00:40:57,788 --> 00:41:00,332
and the GOP is TLC.
691
00:41:03,043 --> 00:41:07,047
Man, I could watch TLC all day!
692
00:41:07,131 --> 00:41:08,757
That shit is fun.
693
00:41:08,841 --> 00:41:10,801
What would you rather watch,
694
00:41:10,885 --> 00:41:12,344
PBS NewsHour
695
00:41:12,428 --> 00:41:13,888
Or Dr. Pimple Popper?
696
00:41:13,971 --> 00:41:14,972
[audience laughing]
697
00:41:15,055 --> 00:41:16,055
Huh?
698
00:41:17,725 --> 00:41:20,394
Frontline or Sex Sent Me to the ER?
699
00:41:22,646 --> 00:41:26,150
Masterpiece Theatre or 90 Day Fiancé?
700
00:41:33,449 --> 00:41:37,161
Even Democrats
make it hard to be Democrats.
701
00:41:37,661 --> 00:41:39,830
You know, like Kyrsten Sinema.
702
00:41:39,914 --> 00:41:43,042
Switched parties now. Independent. Yeah.
703
00:41:43,125 --> 00:41:45,920
You know, she was, uh,
she was at some forum,
704
00:41:46,003 --> 00:41:49,632
and she was talking about the differences
between the House and the Senate,
705
00:41:49,715 --> 00:41:53,928
and she said the Senate has to cool
the, the passions of the people,
706
00:41:54,011 --> 00:41:58,933
because the worst thing you can do
is give a child everything it wants.
707
00:41:59,016 --> 00:42:01,769
Yeah, that's bullshit.
That's why she shouldn't be in office.
708
00:42:01,852 --> 00:42:05,272
If she thinks of the voters as children,
that's bullshit.
709
00:42:05,356 --> 00:42:08,025
You know, I don't think
asking for tax reform
710
00:42:08,108 --> 00:42:11,278
and, and making billionaires
pay their fair share,
711
00:42:11,362 --> 00:42:13,489
I don't think that's childish, right?
712
00:42:13,572 --> 00:42:16,242
And children ask for stupid shit.
713
00:42:17,243 --> 00:42:19,119
You know what my kids asked me one time?
714
00:42:19,203 --> 00:42:23,123
They asked me if they could
eat their breakfast before they go to bed
715
00:42:23,207 --> 00:42:24,708
so they could sleep in.
716
00:42:24,792 --> 00:42:25,834
[audience laughing]
717
00:42:41,308 --> 00:42:44,395
I'm telling you, politics, man,
sometimes you gotta turn it off.
718
00:42:44,478 --> 00:42:47,898
Gotta turn it off
just to protect your mental health. Yeah.
719
00:42:47,982 --> 00:42:49,608
Like... Yes.
720
00:42:50,859 --> 00:42:53,237
I had to turn it off
because I was getting triggered.
721
00:42:53,320 --> 00:42:55,656
I was getting triggered.
Know what my trigger was?
722
00:42:55,739 --> 00:42:57,324
Red hats.
723
00:42:57,408 --> 00:42:58,659
Fuck Santa Claus!
724
00:42:58,742 --> 00:42:59,742
[audience laughing]
725
00:43:01,245 --> 00:43:03,706
I see a red hat,
my fist would just ball up.
726
00:43:03,789 --> 00:43:06,250
I didn't even know I was making a fist.
727
00:43:06,333 --> 00:43:10,879
I figured it out when I was at brunch,
and, uh, some guy was like, "Hey, Wanda!"
728
00:43:10,963 --> 00:43:13,882
And I turned around,
and he had on a red hat.
729
00:43:13,966 --> 00:43:15,342
And I was like, "What!"
730
00:43:16,260 --> 00:43:18,345
And he was like,
"Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
731
00:43:18,429 --> 00:43:20,431
I'm just a Curb fan, I'm sorry."
732
00:43:20,514 --> 00:43:23,017
And I was like, "Uh, okay, thanks, man."
733
00:43:23,100 --> 00:43:24,810
And now I feel like shit, right?
734
00:43:24,893 --> 00:43:27,730
So I was like, "Let me go over
and talk to this man." Right?
735
00:43:27,813 --> 00:43:29,565
He was in profile, so,
736
00:43:29,648 --> 00:43:32,151
I'm walking over and,
and I see the red hat,
737
00:43:32,234 --> 00:43:34,528
and he sees me coming
and he starts to turn.
738
00:43:34,612 --> 00:43:36,530
And I see white lettering on his hat.
739
00:43:36,614 --> 00:43:38,949
And I was like,
"Oh, this motherfucker here."
740
00:43:39,575 --> 00:43:40,826
So I'm making a fist.
741
00:43:40,909 --> 00:43:43,203
And then I got closer. He turns around.
742
00:43:43,287 --> 00:43:45,623
The hat said, "Make a Wish Foundation."
743
00:43:45,706 --> 00:43:47,082
[audience laughing]
744
00:43:55,090 --> 00:44:00,387
I was like, "Hey, man, you want to take
a picture, want me to sign something?"
745
00:44:00,471 --> 00:44:02,973
"How about a hand job?
I'm an entertainer!"
746
00:44:03,057 --> 00:44:04,057
[audience laughing]
747
00:44:09,897 --> 00:44:11,857
The country is so divided.
748
00:44:11,940 --> 00:44:13,942
It's fear, man. It's fear.
749
00:44:14,026 --> 00:44:16,195
That's why you see
so many of these red states,
750
00:44:16,278 --> 00:44:18,072
you know, they want to ban,
751
00:44:18,155 --> 00:44:21,450
uh, critical race theory
being taught in school. Yeah.
752
00:44:21,533 --> 00:44:24,203
DeSantis, Marjorie Taylor Greene...
753
00:44:24,286 --> 00:44:29,625
Yeah. They say it's teaching white kids
to feel bad or shame for being white.
754
00:44:30,542 --> 00:44:31,960
That's nonsense.
755
00:44:32,044 --> 00:44:33,837
'Cause there are white kids out there
756
00:44:33,921 --> 00:44:37,675
who are proud of their grandparents
who marched with Dr. King
757
00:44:37,758 --> 00:44:41,011
and who was on those buses
with those Freedom Riders, right?
758
00:44:41,095 --> 00:44:42,888
That risked their lives.
759
00:44:42,971 --> 00:44:47,059
And look, we're here in Pennsylvania.
What about the Quakers?
760
00:44:47,142 --> 00:44:49,728
The Quakers,
the Quakers are abolitionists,
761
00:44:49,812 --> 00:44:51,939
and, and they helped Harriet Tubman.
762
00:44:52,022 --> 00:44:55,901
They, they would hide slaves
in their homes. Come on.
763
00:44:55,984 --> 00:44:59,113
And, and let's not forget
about their delicious oats.
764
00:44:59,196 --> 00:45:00,447
[audience laughing]
765
00:45:10,249 --> 00:45:14,962
So I don't think people like DeSantis,
Marjorie Taylor Greene,
766
00:45:15,045 --> 00:45:18,048
Glenn Youngkin
from my home state of Virginia...
767
00:45:18,132 --> 00:45:20,509
I don't think they're worried
that, uh, you know,
768
00:45:20,592 --> 00:45:24,972
CRT will make white kids
feel ashamed of being white.
769
00:45:25,055 --> 00:45:29,560
They're worried it will make
their kids ashamed of them.
770
00:45:30,811 --> 00:45:31,979
[audience applauding]
771
00:45:36,024 --> 00:45:41,405
And we can't come together
until we deal with white supremacy, right?
772
00:45:41,488 --> 00:45:43,574
Its... America, I mean, come on,
773
00:45:43,657 --> 00:45:48,162
we have to face our history
and all the awful shit that happened.
774
00:45:48,245 --> 00:45:51,039
That's the only way we can move forward,
because right now,
775
00:45:51,123 --> 00:45:53,792
America is like living in a horror movie.
776
00:45:54,585 --> 00:45:58,172
Yeah, it's like
I Know What You Did Last Summer.
777
00:45:58,964 --> 00:46:03,385
But more like,
I Know What You Did the Last 400 Summers.
778
00:46:03,469 --> 00:46:04,303
Right?
779
00:46:04,386 --> 00:46:08,640
It's like America's at that campground,
walking through...
780
00:46:09,892 --> 00:46:11,185
"Hello?"
781
00:46:12,436 --> 00:46:15,230
"Is, is anybody there?"
782
00:46:15,939 --> 00:46:17,983
And then reparations
just jumps out at you.
783
00:46:18,066 --> 00:46:20,569
[growling, grunting]
784
00:46:20,652 --> 00:46:22,154
"Hello, Karen!"
785
00:46:23,071 --> 00:46:24,364
"Brad."
786
00:46:24,448 --> 00:46:25,741
[audience laughing]
787
00:46:30,078 --> 00:46:31,079
[Wanda chuckling]
788
00:46:32,080 --> 00:46:33,624
Reparations.
789
00:46:33,707 --> 00:46:37,461
And you know what?
Whenever reparations are brought up,
790
00:46:37,544 --> 00:46:41,048
we always hear the, hear the pushback,
and the argument is always,
791
00:46:41,131 --> 00:46:46,053
"Why should I have to pay for something
that I had nothing to do with?"
792
00:46:46,136 --> 00:46:49,431
Okay, well, some of you have trust funds.
793
00:46:49,932 --> 00:46:51,600
You ain't earned that.
794
00:46:52,434 --> 00:46:55,771
Some of you have homes and businesses
that you didn't build,
795
00:46:55,854 --> 00:47:00,776
but they've been passed down generation
for generation in your family, right?
796
00:47:00,859 --> 00:47:02,861
Great-Great-Grandpappy left you something.
797
00:47:02,945 --> 00:47:04,404
But you accept it. So,
798
00:47:05,447 --> 00:47:09,284
think of reparations
as part of your inheritance.
799
00:47:09,368 --> 00:47:10,828
[audience laughing, cheering]
800
00:47:12,913 --> 00:47:14,540
Comes with the package.
801
00:47:19,336 --> 00:47:22,214
For white supremacists,
I think their biggest fear...
802
00:47:22,297 --> 00:47:24,299
They, they know that one day,
803
00:47:24,383 --> 00:47:26,134
they will be the minority.
804
00:47:26,677 --> 00:47:30,097
And that's scary,
'cause they see how shitty it is.
805
00:47:30,639 --> 00:47:32,766
Oh, you've seen the videos.
806
00:47:33,892 --> 00:47:37,563
And they're afraid, like, maybe
we'll treat them the way they treated us.
807
00:47:37,646 --> 00:47:39,565
But that's, that's ridiculous,
808
00:47:39,648 --> 00:47:41,984
because Black people,
we don't even think like that.
809
00:47:42,067 --> 00:47:44,319
We don't sit around
talking about retribution
810
00:47:44,403 --> 00:47:46,280
and what we're gonna do to them.
811
00:47:46,363 --> 00:47:47,197
No!
812
00:47:47,281 --> 00:47:50,492
Well, at least not at the last meeting,
we didn't do that.
813
00:47:50,576 --> 00:47:51,577
[audience laughing]
814
00:47:58,917 --> 00:48:00,961
And I think Black people,
over and over again,
815
00:48:01,044 --> 00:48:03,171
have demonstrated who we are, right?
816
00:48:03,255 --> 00:48:05,257
Right, look, look at the Emanuel eight,
817
00:48:05,799 --> 00:48:09,636
those beautiful Black people
who were gunned down in their church,
818
00:48:09,720 --> 00:48:11,430
by Bible study.
819
00:48:11,513 --> 00:48:12,598
And what did they do?
820
00:48:12,681 --> 00:48:14,224
Hours after it happened,
821
00:48:14,308 --> 00:48:18,520
they're in court telling that guy,
that, that white supremacist,
822
00:48:18,604 --> 00:48:19,938
that they forgive him.
823
00:48:20,022 --> 00:48:22,274
"We forgive you. We forgive you."
824
00:48:22,858 --> 00:48:26,778
And I know some of y'all are like,
"Well, not all Black people, Wanda."
825
00:48:26,862 --> 00:48:30,824
"How about that woman
who went off on Jeffrey Dahmer?"
826
00:48:30,908 --> 00:48:33,452
I mean, yeah, I remember her. You know...
827
00:48:33,535 --> 00:48:35,537
"I hate you, Jeffrey!" I remember that.
828
00:48:35,621 --> 00:48:37,664
But come on, he ate her brother!
829
00:48:37,748 --> 00:48:38,790
[audience laughing]
830
00:48:46,298 --> 00:48:48,884
Well, Black people don't think like that.
We don't.
831
00:48:49,843 --> 00:48:51,470
And plus, let's be honest.
832
00:48:51,553 --> 00:48:55,432
White people would make the worst slaves
on the face of the planet.
833
00:48:55,515 --> 00:48:56,767
[audience laughing]
834
00:49:01,146 --> 00:49:04,107
"Ooh, my carpel tunnel
is acting up today."
835
00:49:05,442 --> 00:49:07,569
"I don't think I can... I can't..."
836
00:49:09,446 --> 00:49:11,740
"It's excruciating pain, I can't..."
837
00:49:15,077 --> 00:49:16,954
They'll be leaving the fields early.
838
00:49:17,037 --> 00:49:18,413
"Hey, hey, where you going?"
839
00:49:18,497 --> 00:49:20,916
"Uh, Harry Styles tickets, hello!"
840
00:49:25,087 --> 00:49:26,630
"Get your ass back here!"
841
00:49:27,297 --> 00:49:29,299
"I'm gonna need to see your supervisor."
842
00:49:34,763 --> 00:49:38,725
So, I'm still in menopause. Yep.
843
00:49:40,477 --> 00:49:41,937
Breaking news.
844
00:49:44,356 --> 00:49:46,358
Just fighting off those hot flashes.
845
00:49:47,067 --> 00:49:50,070
But you know what angers me the most
is when I'm watching TV,
846
00:49:50,153 --> 00:49:53,281
and I see all these commercials for men.
847
00:49:53,365 --> 00:49:56,576
They're always fixing something
for the dudes, you know?
848
00:49:56,660 --> 00:50:00,372
Yeah. And a lot of it,
I don't really see it as a problem.
849
00:50:00,914 --> 00:50:02,234
Yeah. Like, you know they're, uh,
850
00:50:02,290 --> 00:50:05,711
fixing, uh, bent dicks now,
did you know that?
851
00:50:07,754 --> 00:50:10,382
Have you seen that ad with the,
with the bent carrot?
852
00:50:10,465 --> 00:50:11,591
[audience laughing]
853
00:50:13,552 --> 00:50:15,012
Who knew that was an issue?
854
00:50:17,305 --> 00:50:18,890
They're fixing bent dicks now.
855
00:50:20,017 --> 00:50:21,143
I say, "Fuck you."
856
00:50:22,269 --> 00:50:24,896
I don't give a shit about your bent dick.
857
00:50:26,523 --> 00:50:29,693
That... I think gout
is more important than that.
858
00:50:30,485 --> 00:50:33,613
How did that even get
on the to-do list, bent dicks?
859
00:50:33,697 --> 00:50:37,451
"Ah, poor Peter has a banana dick. Aah."
860
00:50:40,203 --> 00:50:44,332
"It's not funny, Wanda,
it can cause infertility and painful..."
861
00:50:44,416 --> 00:50:46,293
I don't give a shit. I don't.
862
00:50:46,376 --> 00:50:48,879
I don't care about your crooked dick,
your hooked dick,
863
00:50:48,962 --> 00:50:51,214
your bent dick, banana dick,
I don't give a fuck.
864
00:50:51,298 --> 00:50:55,677
I'm over here growing a full beard,
sweating through my sheets every night.
865
00:50:56,511 --> 00:50:59,014
Fuck you and your hooked dick.
866
00:50:59,097 --> 00:51:02,976
I don't give a shit
if your dick curves so much
867
00:51:03,060 --> 00:51:05,687
that when you bend over,
you fuck yourself in the ass.
868
00:51:05,771 --> 00:51:07,814
I don't care! I don't.
869
00:51:08,482 --> 00:51:09,608
I don't care.
870
00:51:12,027 --> 00:51:13,027
I don't.
871
00:51:13,528 --> 00:51:15,489
Suffer in silence, please.
872
00:51:23,622 --> 00:51:24,873
[audience laughing]
873
00:51:30,921 --> 00:51:32,964
I was talking to my gynecologist about it.
874
00:51:33,048 --> 00:51:35,133
I was like,
"What treatments are out there?"
875
00:51:35,217 --> 00:51:38,261
You know, because I can't take
the, you know, the patch or the hormones
876
00:51:38,345 --> 00:51:41,014
because of the type
of breast cancer I had, right?
877
00:51:41,098 --> 00:51:42,224
So I can't take them.
878
00:51:42,307 --> 00:51:44,518
So my doctor said,
"Now they're giving women,
879
00:51:44,601 --> 00:51:46,394
um, microdoses of Xanax now,
880
00:51:46,478 --> 00:51:49,022
and that seems to help
with the hot flashes."
881
00:51:49,106 --> 00:51:50,023
I said, "Oh, okay,
882
00:51:50,107 --> 00:51:52,609
so it's the straight hysterical
woman syndrome, huh?"
883
00:51:52,692 --> 00:51:56,363
So they're like, "Here, you crazy bitches,
maybe this will calm you down."
884
00:51:56,446 --> 00:51:58,323
[audience laughing]
885
00:52:01,243 --> 00:52:02,244
I'm not taking that.
886
00:52:03,120 --> 00:52:05,205
So that's why I kind of wish that,
that men...
887
00:52:05,288 --> 00:52:07,207
Okay, I don't wish, I pray,
888
00:52:07,290 --> 00:52:11,419
that men would go through
a little menopause, you know?
889
00:52:11,503 --> 00:52:14,506
'Cause then maybe
they'll find something to help us.
890
00:52:15,048 --> 00:52:15,882
Right?
891
00:52:15,966 --> 00:52:19,219
Like, what, what if, uh, if guys, like...
892
00:52:19,302 --> 00:52:23,098
Okay, let's just say, like,
one, one of your testicles, right?
893
00:52:25,892 --> 00:52:29,855
Let's just say one of your testicles
would just start throbbing a little bit.
894
00:52:32,732 --> 00:52:35,735
So you'll know it's coming.
Like it'd have, like, an aura to it.
895
00:52:35,819 --> 00:52:38,321
And then all of a sudden, it,
it swells up,
896
00:52:38,405 --> 00:52:40,907
and whoosh! It catches on fire. You know?
897
00:52:40,991 --> 00:52:43,493
You have, like, a nut flash, just whoosh!
898
00:52:43,577 --> 00:52:47,539
And, and it could be the right one,
it could be the left one, you never know.
899
00:52:47,622 --> 00:52:50,667
And, and it happens,
like, six, seven times a day.
900
00:52:50,750 --> 00:52:53,670
Just, that thing just going like that.
Whoosh! You go, "Oh shit!"
901
00:52:53,753 --> 00:52:55,297
"Nut flash! Nut flash!"
902
00:52:57,132 --> 00:52:58,633
I would love that.
903
00:53:00,302 --> 00:53:02,596
But you know,
they'd give them some relief, right?
904
00:53:02,679 --> 00:53:06,850
They'll probably start making underwear
with little fans in them or something.
905
00:53:07,475 --> 00:53:10,896
Or just make it legal where guys
can walk around with their nuts out.
906
00:53:12,105 --> 00:53:14,399
You're like, "Oh, my God,
his nuts are out!"
907
00:53:14,482 --> 00:53:17,402
"It's okay. He's going through something."
908
00:53:17,485 --> 00:53:20,822
"He has a note from his doctor.
Leave the man alone."
909
00:53:23,241 --> 00:53:25,869
You know those lactation stations
you see at the airport?
910
00:53:25,952 --> 00:53:28,288
They'll shut those down. Yeah.
911
00:53:28,371 --> 00:53:30,415
They'll become ball-cooling rooms.
912
00:53:30,498 --> 00:53:32,042
You'll see dudes in there just...
913
00:53:32,709 --> 00:53:33,710
Whooo...
914
00:53:35,629 --> 00:53:38,089
"Uh, this is a doozy. Oh, boy."
915
00:53:38,715 --> 00:53:39,966
"How's it going, Pete?"
916
00:53:40,050 --> 00:53:43,511
"Oh man, it's bad. It's bad. It's bad."
917
00:53:45,263 --> 00:53:48,225
"Hey, Pete, did you do
something different with your penis?"
918
00:53:48,308 --> 00:53:51,519
"Yeah, I got that hook out.
You noticed that?"
919
00:53:51,603 --> 00:53:52,771
[audience laughing]
920
00:53:52,854 --> 00:53:54,564
"He's straight as an arrow now."
921
00:53:56,691 --> 00:53:57,691
"Looking good."
922
00:54:02,239 --> 00:54:04,783
I would love to see
a dude in this board meeting.
923
00:54:04,866 --> 00:54:06,034
You know?
924
00:54:06,576 --> 00:54:10,914
"Okay, all right, now for...
Let's go over first quarter earnings."
925
00:54:10,997 --> 00:54:13,250
"If you look, uh, you see sales were up."
926
00:54:13,333 --> 00:54:16,336
"Sales were up by 22%, and that, um..."
927
00:54:17,587 --> 00:54:18,587
Hmm.
928
00:54:21,091 --> 00:54:22,342
"That, uh..."
929
00:54:23,301 --> 00:54:28,890
"That totally crushed
what our target was, 22%. So..."
930
00:54:29,808 --> 00:54:31,226
[audience laughing]
931
00:54:32,018 --> 00:54:35,355
"But if, if we look at, uh,
transportation,
932
00:54:35,438 --> 00:54:39,484
transportation, uh, went way up, and, uh,
933
00:54:40,902 --> 00:54:44,990
wasn't expecting that,
so that really, uh... Hmm"
934
00:54:49,995 --> 00:54:53,373
"That cut into a lot of our sales,
so, um..."
935
00:54:55,292 --> 00:54:57,585
[groaning] "I'm sorry, guys,
I'm having a nut flash."
936
00:54:59,004 --> 00:55:00,297
[audience laughing]
937
00:55:00,380 --> 00:55:01,506
[moaning] "Wow!"
938
00:55:02,215 --> 00:55:05,343
"Whoo. This is a bad one. Oh, my God."
939
00:55:06,011 --> 00:55:08,805
"Hank, get over here
and blow on my balls, please."
940
00:55:21,192 --> 00:55:25,030
So, I saw my doctor recently, and, uh,
941
00:55:25,113 --> 00:55:28,867
my breast doctor, because
it's time to replace my breasts. Yeah.
942
00:55:28,950 --> 00:55:31,828
I got too many miles on these. So...
943
00:55:32,454 --> 00:55:34,748
So he said, so he said,
"It's time to replace them."
944
00:55:34,831 --> 00:55:39,127
But he gave me an option.
He said, "Wanda, look, you're, you're 59,
945
00:55:39,210 --> 00:55:42,839
and, uh, we can put more implants in,
but I mean,
946
00:55:42,922 --> 00:55:46,593
do you want to have to do this surgery
again in another 13, 14 years?"
947
00:55:46,676 --> 00:55:48,887
"I mean, you'll be kind of up there."
948
00:55:48,970 --> 00:55:51,097
I was like, "Yeah..."
He said, "So what I can do,
949
00:55:51,181 --> 00:55:53,850
I can take tissue from your midsection
950
00:55:53,933 --> 00:55:56,644
and make you some,
you know, nice breasts."
951
00:55:56,728 --> 00:56:00,315
And I was like, "Well, first of all,
thank you for calling it tissue."
952
00:56:00,398 --> 00:56:01,483
[audience laughing]
953
00:56:06,696 --> 00:56:08,907
"Very professional on your part."
954
00:56:10,992 --> 00:56:14,204
But then I... I heard some rumblings,
955
00:56:14,287 --> 00:56:15,497
and it was Esther.
956
00:56:16,998 --> 00:56:19,751
For those of you who don't know Esther,
957
00:56:19,834 --> 00:56:22,504
when I got in my forties,
I got this fat roll.
958
00:56:22,587 --> 00:56:25,715
It ain't going nowhere,
so I just named it. This is Esther.
959
00:56:26,341 --> 00:56:29,469
Esther loves bread,
alcohol, and cheesecake.
960
00:56:29,552 --> 00:56:31,096
That's all she wants.
961
00:56:31,971 --> 00:56:33,056
"Where my drink!"
962
00:56:34,224 --> 00:56:35,475
"I want some cheesecake!"
963
00:56:38,311 --> 00:56:41,439
So, so I heard Esther rumbling,
and she was like,
964
00:56:41,523 --> 00:56:42,524
"What'd he say?"
965
00:56:42,607 --> 00:56:45,527
I was like, "Esther, he's not talking
to you, he's not talking to you."
966
00:56:45,610 --> 00:56:49,280
And I told the doctor,
I was like, "Email me, email me."
967
00:56:49,364 --> 00:56:52,409
I said, "Email me,
'cause Esther can't read. Email me."
968
00:56:54,828 --> 00:56:56,830
"Email me the details, right?"
969
00:56:56,913 --> 00:57:01,709
So, uh, cause you know, I think
I'm gonna do it, it makes sense, you know.
970
00:57:01,793 --> 00:57:06,047
But then I... I get nervous, 'cause I keep
having these thoughts, you know, like,
971
00:57:06,131 --> 00:57:09,551
"What if I take Esther
and put her up here,
972
00:57:10,468 --> 00:57:13,346
and she tries
to choke me to death in my sleep?"
973
00:57:14,347 --> 00:57:16,933
You know, Esther'd be like, "I hate you!"
974
00:57:17,642 --> 00:57:20,728
"I can't taste nothing up here.
I hate you!"
975
00:57:24,190 --> 00:57:26,151
Or what if she, she gets los... You know,
976
00:57:26,234 --> 00:57:29,320
she longs for home
and she works her way back down?
977
00:57:29,404 --> 00:57:32,365
You know, and I have
some long, droopy titties? You know.
978
00:57:33,158 --> 00:57:34,951
Esther be up here just doing squats.
979
00:57:35,034 --> 00:57:37,036
[grunting]
980
00:57:37,412 --> 00:57:39,414
Trying to get back down.
981
00:57:40,540 --> 00:57:42,250
"I'm back, baby!" You know.
982
00:57:46,671 --> 00:57:49,716
But I think I'm gonna do it.
I think I'm gonna do it. Yeah.
983
00:57:49,799 --> 00:57:51,801
'Cause you know... Yeah!
984
00:57:52,719 --> 00:57:54,679
[audience applauding]
985
00:57:54,762 --> 00:57:57,390
I... I don't want to be
in my seventies, you know...
986
00:57:57,474 --> 00:58:00,185
Y'all watching online church,
987
00:58:01,019 --> 00:58:02,228
and the pastor's like,
988
00:58:02,312 --> 00:58:05,648
"Uh, Saints, let's pray for Sister Sykes."
989
00:58:07,150 --> 00:58:09,527
"She's getting her new titties
on Tuesday."
990
00:58:09,611 --> 00:58:11,571
[audience laughing]
991
00:58:18,745 --> 00:58:21,372
I'm grateful that I have
good doctors. I do.
992
00:58:21,456 --> 00:58:22,456
They're good doctors.
993
00:58:22,499 --> 00:58:24,083
And that's important, you know?
994
00:58:24,167 --> 00:58:27,795
Although I did
have to, uh, change gynecologists,
995
00:58:27,879 --> 00:58:29,631
'cause my old gynecologist,
996
00:58:29,714 --> 00:58:32,634
oof, she was, she was just chatty.
997
00:58:32,717 --> 00:58:35,011
Just talked too much, you know, like...
998
00:58:35,094 --> 00:58:39,140
I don't mind talking
before the exam starts.
999
00:58:39,224 --> 00:58:41,017
But once I get in the stirrups,
1000
00:58:41,100 --> 00:58:42,810
you shut the fuck up.
1001
00:58:42,894 --> 00:58:43,937
[audience laughing]
1002
00:58:48,650 --> 00:58:52,695
And sometimes, those exams,
they gotta check the front and the back...
1003
00:58:52,779 --> 00:58:54,864
You just leave. You know what you did.
1004
00:58:54,948 --> 00:58:56,282
Get the hell out of here.
1005
00:58:56,366 --> 00:58:57,784
Don't even look at me!
1006
00:59:02,330 --> 00:59:06,376
But this doctor, man,
she was just too, too chatty, you know?
1007
00:59:06,459 --> 00:59:09,462
It's like, she would talk
like we were good friends or something.
1008
00:59:09,546 --> 00:59:12,215
You know, I... I get in there,
and I'm... and I'm in the stirrups,
1009
00:59:12,298 --> 00:59:14,092
I'm in the stirrups, and she's like, um,
1010
00:59:14,175 --> 00:59:18,137
"Hey, Wanda, you know, they just opened
a Greek restaurant on the corner."
1011
00:59:18,221 --> 00:59:21,349
"Maybe if you have some time,
you could stop and get some lunch."
1012
00:59:21,432 --> 00:59:24,269
I'm like, "Is this bitch
really talking hummus?"
1013
00:59:26,104 --> 00:59:28,147
So then I started having thoughts.
I was like,
1014
00:59:28,231 --> 00:59:32,777
"You know what, I'm gonna make her feel
as uncomfortable as she makes me feel."
1015
00:59:32,860 --> 00:59:35,697
So I was like, "You know, one day,
she gonna start talking,
1016
00:59:35,780 --> 00:59:39,450
and I'm just gonna take my big toe
and brush her bangs back."
1017
00:59:39,534 --> 00:59:40,868
[audience laughing]
1018
00:59:47,125 --> 00:59:48,751
"Hey, girl."
1019
00:59:49,294 --> 00:59:51,713
"You streaming anything good lately?"
1020
00:59:53,590 --> 00:59:55,967
Hey, Philadelphia, thank y'all so much!
1021
00:59:56,467 --> 00:59:57,635
I love you!
1022
00:59:58,469 --> 00:59:59,887
Thank you!
1023
01:00:00,847 --> 01:00:02,849
[audience cheering, applauding]
1024
01:00:02,932 --> 01:00:04,726
[upbeat music playing]
1025
01:00:25,163 --> 01:00:26,164
Thank you!
1026
01:01:13,294 --> 01:01:15,088
[Wanda] Oy, vey. And up.
1027
01:01:15,171 --> 01:01:17,006
Use your knees, Page. Come on, push it.
81911
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