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♪

Hello?

No. You got
the wrong number.

Yeah, but ain't no
Thelma here, man.

♪

Jesus!

I'm comin'!

What? Man, there ain't no Thelma here!

God.

What?

Ain't no fuckin' Thelma
here, man!

Look, the bitch don't
live here! Fuck you too!

Shit! Fuck!

Hello. I'm Dr. Warren
G. Easterbrook,

Chairman of the President's
Commission on Education,

and I would like to talk to you
about an ever-growing problem...

the short attention span
of today's youth.

Weaned as they are on television,
young people today...

can't seem to pay attention
for more than a few mo...

Pethouse Video presents
an in-depth...

up close and personal look...

at Pethouse Plaything
Taryn Steele.

Oh, so many neat
things have happened to me in my life...

being named homecoming queen,
making the cheerleading squad.

But the neatest thing ever was
when I was recently chosen...

the Pethouse Plaything
of the Month.

But being a Plaything
hasn't changed me.

I'm still the same Taryn.

When I was first chosen,
I was, like, really immature.

But I've grown so much
since then.

I can hardly believe it's me.

I'm a beach person
and a night person.

I really feel sorry for anyone
who doesn't live in California,

'cause we've got it all...
the mountains, the sun.

And, like, there's no humidity.

It really blows me away.

Here, out of the public eye,
I can just fade into the crowd.

In New York, I get hassled all
the time. I don't understand it.

Laguna offers me
peace and solitude...

away from the pressure
of being a Plaything.

Here in Laguna,
I can just let my mind go blank.

Art is my life.

I love to browse
Laguna's art galleries,

and my dream is to one day...

have some of my things
hanging here.

But my real strength
comes from my family...

and my strong
religious upbringing.

I'll always be grateful to my mom and
dad and the values they've given me,

which help me take on
the awesome responsibilities...

of Plaything of the Month.

Selma, look at this reception.

Beaver, did you bring home
a note from your teacher today?

Oh, no, Dad. That's one of your
jokes I haven't heard before.

Record warm temperatures
tomorrow. Unbelievable!

Best investment I ever made.

You haven't been out
of this house in two weeks.

Lows will warm up
just a bit.

What the hell has happened
to my remote?

Sunny skies
for the remainder of the day.

Murray?

Embedded in those clouds.
And here in the southern...

Excuse me, sir.
We're on the air.

Selma!
Get me out of here!

I must've pressed
the wrong button.

Murray, what are you
doing on the weather?

I don't know. Press
something. Bring me back!

Here!

Swung on, and it's a
high fly ball to center field.

Wait a minute! There's a fan
on the field!

♪ Make me wanna stay
If this is it ♪

♪ Doo wah ♪ Now I'm trapped in
a rock video! Anything but this!

♪ If this ain't love
you better let me go ♪

- ♪ If this is it ♪
- ♪ Doo wah ♪

Selma! Help me!

♪ If this ain't love, baby ♪
Wait. Wait.

Selma! I'm looking for the booklet.

♪ Oh, no.
I'm in black and white.

Where am I?

Selma!

Help!

Selma!
Selma!

This is what you get for
throwing out the directions.

Help! Help me!

♪

Here you can leave me
for the night.

You should be so lucky.

Yech!

Where am I?

You're on
the Disney Channel.

At least I know you won't
catch anything there.

Fun is fun, Selma, but I want to
come home. I'm trying.

500 million people
are watching via satellite...

as the president and first lady
deplane for this historic Moscow visit.

They look fit and rested.
Wait a minute.

An unidentified man
has emerged from Air Force One.

He seems, believe it or not, to
be clad only in his underwear.

The Secret Service have grabbed
him. Where am I? I'm innocent!

But who is he and how did he get on
board? I was only watching television!

He appears to be deranged.
Help! Selma!

I'm so proud of you, Brenda,

getting through the delivery
without any anesthetic.

Well, I had the best
Lamaze coach in the world.

When do we get to see the baby?
It's been eight hours.

Well, you remember the film
they showed us in class.

There's all kinds of tests they
have to perform on a newborn child.

So...
That's true.

Ah!
There's my favorite couple.

- Mr. And Mrs. Flanders.
- That's Landers.

Right, right. Flanders
is uremic poisoning on 39.

- So.
- Um...

Nice stitch work,
if I say so myself.

Doctor, we'd like to see our son. The
nurses keep giving us the runaround.

I'd like nothing better than
to bring you both your son,

but have you looked around
this hospital?

There are sick people here.

I just saw this old guy in the hallway
with these gnarly scabs all over his body.

Gross me out!

- I'm not about to expose your little Jeffrey...
- Nicholas.

To that.

I've got a solemn oath
to uphold here. Doctor,

Brenda and I are both
Lamaze graduates,

and we've never heard of
quarantining a healthy infant before.

Ooh, Lamaze.

Well, I forgot that you spent three
whole weekends sitting on a floor...

learning how to breathe.

I had to get by on a degree
from Harvard Medical School!

Please, it's important to us to see
our child. You've heard of bonding.

Uh...
Doctor.

We'd like to spend a little
quality time with our son, please.

A little quality time with your
son? That would be beautiful.

You people.

What's with that guy? Mrs. Fernandez, front desk.

He's supposed to be
the top man in his field.

Well, when he brings in
little Jeffrey, we're going...

Nicholas! Here we go.

- Here's the little tyke.
- Oh!

Okay, that's enough
germs. Wait! Wait a minute.

We haven't even seen him yet. Go ahead,
breathe all over him. I don't care.

What is this, some kind
of sick practical joke?

What are you talking about?
He's got your eyes.

Take that hideous thing away.

Come on. They all
look like this at first.

You see, when the baby passes through the
birth canal, its head gets a little pointy.

He should round out in
a couple days. Promise.

That's not a baby.
That's a Mr. Potato Head.

Harry, call
the hospital administrator.

Hey! You're right.
This is a Mr. Potato Head.

Gosh, they're so lifelike.

Anybody could've made
this mistake.

I'll be right back
with the real Nicholas.

Harry, what are they doing to
us? Calm down, Brenda. Calm down.

We don't want you to get
postpartum anxiety.

Now, as soon as we get our son,
I'm going to report this quack.

Thank God you took that
assertiveness training course.

Yeah.

Here's the little tyke.

You've been a naughty little
baby. Yes, you have.

Playing peekaboo with Mommy and
Daddy. About time. Nick, it's your dad.

He's got a strong, determined jaw
just like his old man there.

Whoops.

- Great. Now you made him cry.
- I don't believe this.

Is this okay? Would you
rather breast-feed him?

Get away from me!
I'm gonna kill you!

What kind of hospital is this?

All right,
Mr. And Mrs. Lamaze!

You see, due to a slight clerical error,
your son has been temporarily misplaced.

- You lost our son?
- Did I say lost? I said misplaced!

I'm suing you for... for malpractice,
negligence... you name it!

Just jump all over me! What about
the nine kids I didn't lose this week?

My baby! What have they
done with my baby?

It was your fault. If you hadn't distracted me
with that video equipment in the delivery room,

I might not have misplaced
your little brat!

- Doctor. We found him.
- See?

He was down the hall in the
laundry hamper. Oh!

Oh, he's beautiful.

I hope you're both
ashamed of yourselves.

All this hysteria when he was safe
and sound not 20 feet from this room.

Doctor, you're due in surgery
for that kidney transplant.

Where's the donor organ?

The donor organ?

God, I had it with me when I
left the house this morning.

Good morning and welcome
to Movies Till Sunrise.

Our feature presentation is the
1954 science fiction classic,

Amazon Women on the Moon,

starring Laird Granger
and Greta Van Zandt,

complete and uncut, with no
commercial interruptions.

This used to be me.

Old before my years,
ignored by women,

passed over for promotions.

But now all that has changed.

Hi. I'm Sy Swerdlow,

and I invented the patented process
known as "hair looming. "

If you suffer from premature hair loss,
let our team of technicians...

visit you in the privacy
of your home...

so there will be
no embarrassment.

You choose from our selection...

of over 200 colors and styles.

Then your head
will be carpeted...

with 100% pure acrylic fiber,

Completely natural-looking.

You can sleep in it.

You can shower in it.

It changed my life,

and it'll change yours.

Call toll free...

1- 800-GET-HAIR.

Well, men, I've been studying this map
of the lunar surface,

And I've chosen the dark side
as our landing site.

- So, don't forget your space beams.
- Roger, Steve.

Just think, Loony, in less than an
hour, we're gonna be on the moon.

The first thing I'm gonna do is carve
me off a hunk of that green cheese.

Now, Butch, you know one of
the purposes of this mission...

is to dispel
some of those myths.

Steve, I've got the president
on the electro-scan.

Willikers!

Come in, men of Moon Rocket One.

This is the president of the United
States calling from planet Earth.

We read you, Mr. President.

This is Steve Nelson,
commander, Moon Rocket One.

Commander Nelson, this is a
proud day for all Americans,

and this year of 1980 will
be remembered as the year...

an American
first set foot on the moon.

The governors
of all 48 states join me...

in wishing Godspeed
to you...

and your handpicked team
of scientists.

That's us, Loony.

Thank you, Mr. President. We're
proud to serve our country.

Over and out.

Blackie, neutralize
the electro-scan.

Electro-scan neutralized, sir.

There she is,
dead ahead!

It's awesome, isn't it?

I've got big plans
for that piece of real estate.

I'm going to sell
advertising space on that.

Just picture this... the
world's biggest billboard.

We'll make a bundle.

Hold your horses, Blackie.

This voyage is for
the betterment of mankind.

Let's
not any of us forget that.

Sure, chief.

There goes my lunch.

It's right up there
with my stomach.

Prepare for moon landing.

- Initiate rotation system.
- Rotation initiated.

Reverse retros.

Retros reversed.

Steve, we're losing pressure
in the atom chamber.

If it drops any more,
we're goners.

Quick, Blackie,
switch to the emergency...

♪ Tie a yellow ribbon
round the old oak tree ♪

♪ It's been
three long years ♪

♪ Do ya still want me ♪

♪ If I don't see a ribbon
round the old oak tree ♪

♪ I'll stay on the bus
forget about us ♪

♪ Put the blame on me ♪

Did you know
that every seven minutes,

a black person is born
in this country without soul?

Hello, I'm B.B. King.

Won't you help Don Simmons
and the thousands of others...

that suffer from
this tragic disorder?

Its cruel symptoms can strike
anyone. Let's take a look.

I think the Republican Party has done
one heck of a job. Don't you, June?

I'll say, Ward. We Republicans
have turned this country around.

Safety and good
mileage are the two things...

I looked for
in a new car.

That's why I bought
a Volvo station wagon.

Hi. I'm president of the David
Hartman Fan Club here in Glendale.

I've even met David Hartman
once. What a neat guy.

♪ Chim-chimeny, chim-chimeny
chim-chim cheree ♪

♪ A sweep is as lucky
as lucky can be ♪

♪ Chim-chimeny, chim-chimeny
chim-chim cheroo ♪

♪ Good luck will rub off
when I shake hands with you ♪

This is B.B. King saying
won't you please give...

so that Don Simmons here
and so many others...

can become useful members
of society.

♪ Or blow me a kiss
and that's lucky too ♪

Write to...

Thank you.

Be right there.

Karen?
Hi.

Hi. I'm Jerry Stone. Hi,
Jerry. Nice meeting you.

I'm sorry. I'm running a little
bit late. Don't worry about it.

You look nice.
Thank you.

This is a great apartment.
Thanks.

Uh, I hope you like sushi.

I made reservations
at Tokyo Rose on Columbus.

Great.
I hear it's terrific.

Normally there's a waiting list,
but I know the maitre d'.

You know,
I gotta tell you,

I never go on blind dates,
but, uh,

I just have a feeling
that this might be special.

Jerry? Before we leave, do
me one small favor, will you?

Sure. What?

Would you mind showing me a credit
card and a valid driver's license?

- You're kidding. Why?
- I'd like to run a "couple compatibility" check.

What the heck is that?

You know, Jerry, it's tough being
a single girl in the big city.

You meet all kinds
of phonies and creeps.

That's why this machine
comes in handy.

I just enter your I.D., and the central
computer will tell me about your background.

I don't want a bank
loan. I just want to take you out.

I know, but I'd feel better
running a check. Two I.D.'s, please.

You're serious.

It'll
just take a minute.

This is ridiculous, but, uh...

Here's, uh...
Three-one-six.

That's a cute picture.
MasterCard.

I don't know how I ever got
along without one of these.

Changed my life.

Feel the same way
about my VCR.

Ooh. Right now I'm taping
Sophie's Choice with Meryl Streep.

- I love Meryl Streep.
- Oh, I am so into her.

Here it comes now.

All that about me? Geez.
They are very thorough.

- This is great!
- What? What?

- Oh.
- What do you got there?

Uh-oh. Uh-oh?
What's... What's uh-oh?

Jerry,

does the name Debbie Rothenberg
mean anything to you?

Uh... Debbie Rothenberg.
Uh...

Oh, yeah. I think I went
out with her once or twice.

You had sex with her on the second date,
and then you never called her again.

- I hate when guys do that.
- It says all that?

Does the phrase
"You're not only beautiful,

but you're someone I feel I can
open up to" mean anything to you?

I'm not surprised. You've used
that line on your last 16 dates.

Look, this is ridiculous.

Debbie... Uh, Karen,
I think...

that we have something
very special here.

You're not like the other women
you... "You meet in the city. "

See what I mean?

And, Jerry,

I could never get serious about
someone who's selfish in bed.

"Who's selfish in bed"? Well,
how would you describe a man...

who satisfies his own needs and
rolls over and goes to sleep?

- I never did that in my life!
- Eleven times!

You want names and dates? No.
No, I do not! Look, hey, hold it.

Anyway, that is just a small
fraction of the hundreds of times...

I've been intimate
with women.

We're exaggerating a little,
aren't we, Jerry?

The record only shows
21 sexual intimacies.

There you are. This doesn't jibe
with my figures. Okay, sweetie?

Jerry, the statistics don't
paint the picture of a mature man.

Twelve times, you ignored
your date at a party...

to flirt with
a more attractive woman.

169 times, you feigned interest when
a woman was talking about her career.

On 17 occasions,
you lied to women,

telling them you were really into
sushi and Meryl Streep movies.

Make that 18 times.

Wh-Wh-Where do they
get these figures?

As you can see,
Jerry,

it would be pointless
for you and I to go out.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'm gonna get one of those
machines and see how well you come off!

Okay?
Good night, Jerry.

It's early yet. Maybe you
can still get lucky in a bar.

Like you did
last Thursday.

Hello, Beverly?

Yeah? Hi.

This is Jerry Stone. We met
the other night at Dave's party.

Oh. Hi.
Hi.

Listen, I know
it's last minute,

but I wanna ask you,
are you free tonight?

Uh, yeah.

You are. Great.

Listen, I can pick you up
in 10 minutes.

Sure, okay.

Oh, Jerry, um...
Yeah?

Could you bring a major credit
card and a valid driver's license?

Jerry?

Extraterrestrials.
Strange phenomena.

Missing persons.
Lost continents.

Myths and monsters.

We examine these mysteries
to determine...

are they bullshit or not?

London's West End.

Here, in the winter of 1888,

a series of bizarre
and violent murders occurred,

which remain unsolved
to this very day.

Jack the Ripper.

Was he a prosperous
London surgeon?

Perhaps a member
of British royalty.

Well, our Bullshit team
has unearthed...

spectacular new evidence
which suggests...

that Jack the Ripper
was, in fact,

the Loch Ness Monster.

Is it possible
that Nessie...

murdered five streetwalkers
before returning to Loch Ness?

Using undiscovered evidence,

we've pieced together the events
leading up to the first murder.

Although this is
a Bullshit reenactment,

it may have happened
just this way.

Hello, dearie. Show you
a good time for a quid.

Throw the wife in for free.
Oh, gents.

Don't you want a girl
to keep you warm tonight?

Me mum told me there
would be nights like this.

Oh, my!

You are a big one,
now, aren't you?

Come on, darlin'.

Mind you, don't you be
steppin' on my feet now.

Ooh!

Aren't you in an hurry!
Now, will you be careful.

Not so rough, da...
Wait a min...

Is this the way
it happened?

Was Jack the Ripper, in fact, a
60-foot sea serpent from Scotland?

Did I take this job
for a quick buck?

We may never know the answers
to these questions. Next week...

Come on.

To recap the three movies
that we reviewed this week...

here on Critics Corner,

Marc and I both gave
a big thumbs up...

to the new Swedish film
directed by, uh, Olaf Svensen.

Olaf Svensen, called
The Winter of my Despondency.

- Haunting abstract symbolism.
- It's arty crap.

Jonathan and I did
split, however...

On the newest teenage romp
called Frat Slobs.

Jonathan, I think,
thought it to be...

a light,
frothy soufflé...

sizzling with youthful
energy. That I did.

On the other hand, I
thought it was pond scum.

You're an albino.
What the hell do you know?

We have a new feature we'd like
to introduce on Critics Corner...

we hope you'll enjoy. We
call it "Real Life Reviews,"

in which we critique the life of
an average person just like you.

Jonathan will begin with a review
of the life of Harvey Putnik.

No. Pitnik.
Pitnik, of Skokie, Indiana.

Illinois.
Illinois.

Harvey Pitnik of Skokie, Illinois.
Bernice. Bernice, come here.

They're talking about me
on the television.

What?
Come here.

Harvey Pitnik would seem to have all the
ingredients...

For a successful life.
You'd think so.

So why does he fail so
miserably? I don't know.

I think the problem
is with Harvey himself.

What the hell is this?
You're right. It is Harvey.

Very good, Jonathan.
It is Harvey.

So, we're supposed to care
about this Harvey Pitnik?

Why? I mean, it takes him 30 years
to develop any character at all,

and by the time he does,
who cares?

They're crucifying me.
It's hardly worth the wait.

He didn't like Gandhi either.
Let me show you.

Here's a scene from last year as
Harvey is coming home from work.

Oh. Hi, Scraps.

Hi, Dad.
Hi, kids.

How did they
do this? Hi, honey.

Hi, dear.
Ooh. Potatoes.

I didn't cons... I didn't
consent for this to be on TV.

Dinner'll be ready
in five minutes. Okay.

- Some exciting home life, huh?
- And it goes on like that,

tediously,
day in and day out.

Where's the love?
Where's the passion?

Where's the examination
of one's own existence?

This is a poor excuse
for a life.

I give Harvey Pitnik
a... a big thumbs down.

Thumbs down? I
give him a thumbs down too.

But I didn't hate Harvey
quite as much as you, Jonathan.

Oh, granted, his life was
a miserable waste of time,

but I rather enjoyed
the Kafkaesque touches.

Here's a loser trapped
in a dead-end job...

and a...
a loveless marriage.

How do they know that? Couldn't they
have done anything to make this man human?

Think of the money it took
to bring him into the world.

A ton! To feed him and to clothe
him and then to educate him.

And after all that,
what have you got?

- You've got a big bore!
- A dull clod!

An empty suit.
And another thing,

I was always one step ahead
of this guy's life.

There just were no surprises!
No. Wait a minute.

What about the ending of his
life? That came as a surprise.

Ending?
I saw that coming a mile away!

I didn't.
What ending?

The high blood pressure. The
lack of exercise. True. Uh-huh.

The bad diet.
Of course.

By the time he finally has his heart
attack in front of the TV, big deal!

Heart attack? Heart attack?
It's such a mundane way to go.

What are they talking about? A heart
attack? I didn't have a...

Wouldn't it have been more dramatic
if, say, he'd fallen down an elevator shaft?

He should've died years earlier.
Maybe in a submarine accident.

Harvey? Oh, my
God! Possibly a giant squid.

Something to add a little science
fiction to it. I'm calling an ambulance.

I'm calling an ambulance! A
tragic waste, but who cares?

Oh, I see our time is up. We
want to thank you very much...

for joining us
on Critics Corner.

Hope you'll be back next week when we'll
have an aisle seat reserved just for you.

Bye-bye.

There's so many things he could've
done. He could've had a better haircut.

We now return to the 1957 film,

Amazon Women
on the Moon,

starring Bill Thomas
and Buzzy Clark.

There will be no
further interruptions.

Well, here we are
on the moon.

This place gives me the willies.

Think we'll run into
any moon men?

Not intelligent life
as you and I know it, Butch.

If there are any Martians, I'll bet
they speak the universal language...

do-re-mi!

You remember the space oath you
took at the academy, Blackie?

"I will not exploit other worlds
for personal gain. "

Look at that.

Follow me, men.
Keep your eyes open.

Selma!

Hey, dig that crazy full moon.

That's a full Earth, Butch.
Remember where we are.

Zowie!

This is only a hunch,
but...

Steve! What are you doing?
You're committing suicide!

Just as I thought.

The moon has an atmosphere
similar to Earth's.

Take off your helmets,
boys.

Good old H20.

Steve, fill me in.
How'd you figure it out?

Seems like Loony
figured it out first.

That's my Loony,
a regular Einstein.

Look!

Are
your parties dull and boring?

Well, why not liven them up...

with the snack food
that's sweeping America.

Mmm! Say, Mike, this is some great
paté. It has such a unique flavor.

It's more than just an
ordinary paté, Bill. Watch.

Whoa!

What the... You know, I never
saw an appetizer do that before.

Well, you never tried
Silly Paté before!

Not only is it fun at parties,
it's low in saturated fats.

And look.

It picks up your favorite comic strip!

I'm eating Doonesbury.

And I'm eating
Beetle Bailey.

You'll never
have a dull, lifeless party again...

with Silly Paté.

Available in all fine gourmet
shops and toy stores everywhere.

♪

It's time, Mrs. Pitnik.

Do I have to?

Yeah. We need the room again at 4:00.

Come on.

I- Is Har-Harvey here?

Yeah. He's in repose.
He looks great. Oh!

Okay, let's move along.
That's right.

Just relax, Mrs. Pitnik. You're
young. You'll... You'll meet someone.

Send the kids to
camp. That's what I would do.

Okay, family up front,
on the left.

Well, I guess that's it.

Everything's taken care of. Everything.

And the buffet?
To die.

Hey, Scooter. Cute
stuff.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this is a wake.

So let's have fun with it, huh? Everybody,
have a great time. ♪

♪

Welcome to
the O'Leary Funeral Home,

where many of the nation's top comedians
have gathered to roast our guest of honor,

the late Harvey Pitnik!

Please welcome...
Rip Taylor!

♪

Slappy White!

Jackie Vernon!

Henny Youngman!

Charlie Callas!

And our roast master...
Mr. Steve Allen!

♪

And here he is,
our man of the hour...

♪ Mr. Harvey Pitnik!

There's Harvey!

♪

Thank you, ladies and mourners.

That's all right, Harvey.
Don't get up.

Anyway, be that as it may...
and I doubt if it was...

tonight we are here to pay tribute
to a close, personal friend,

Harvey Pupik... I'm sorry.
Uh, Pitnik. Harvey Pitnik.

Harvey was a man, my friends,
who was the same in life...

as he is in death... a stiff!

But all seriousness aside, we are
going to lay two things to rest...

Harvey Pitnik and the rumor
that Charlie Callas is funny.

Ladies and gentlemen,
a very funny man, Charlie Callas.

♪

Thank you.
Thank you.

♪ Thank you.
Harvey, keep it down!

Today, ladies and gentlemen, we're here to
pay homage to the late Harvey Potemkin...

Peshtabil... Poshbulv...
whatever.

Who cares? Does it matter
now? No, no.

And if Harvey were alive today,
he'd be a very sick man.

♪

We had... I'm sorry to make this announcement.
We had two disappointments tonight...

Milton Berle could not make it
and Rip Taylor could.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Rip Taylor. All right.

♪

Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

Thank you.
Thank you so much, Steve.

Charlie said, "Harvey,
keep it down. " Thank you.

Oh, well, there goes that act.

The president couldn't be here,
Harvey, so he sent a wire.

Tell 'em. It's a...
Never mind.

What's this, an audience or a
funeral? Now, pay attention, please.

But I'm a little nervous because
Harvey was a personal friend of mine,

and there's not a person in this
room that Harvey Pitnik did not touch.

I must say, he touched me for 40
bucks and Steve for 20.

Folks, I don't dance.
This is it, you see.

But I do feel for his widow,
Bernice. That was a romantic marriage.

She learned everything about sex
from a manual.

The "Manuel" was their
gardener.

I'm
sorry. I better wrap it up now, folks.

'Cause you know the old axiom in
show business... "get off quick. "

Like Harvey
on his wedding night.

- Could you die? I gotta go. Good-bye.
- Thank you so much. - ♪

Thank you folks. I'm thrilled to
be here tonight to pay tribute...

to the late Harvey Pitnik.

But enough about Harvey.

Take my wife. Please.

Why do Jewish divorces cost
so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish guys die before
their wives? They want to.

And that's what
I think of you, Harvey.

Thank you, Henny Youngman, for that trip
down memory lane. And now...

♪

But seriously. Henny, you were
never funnier... and it's a shame.

♪ But I was asked
to say a couple of words about Harvey.

How about "ugly" and "cheap"?

Harvey wrote his will
on his cock,

and his lawyer said it would
not stand up in court.

Okay, Mrs. Pitnik. You're on. What?

You're on. Oh, no. Oh,
no. I really can't...

You're the widow. You've got to give Harvey's
rebuttal. No, no, I can't go up there.

- I can't do this.
- But in conclusion, I'd like to say, congratulations, Harvey.

Rigor mortis is the closest you
ever come to a hard-on in 15 years.

I thank you.

♪

Harvey himself is gonna
throw in his two cents...

as soon as we take 'em
off his eyelids.

I don't
get it. I don't get it.

And now, for the rebuttal on behalf of our
guest of honor, his lovely widow, Bernice.

And nothing's changed, Harvey. She's
still gonna be doing all the talking.

Bernice Pitnik!

♪

Lovely woman.

Thank you, Merv...
I mean, Steve.

That's quite all right.

Now, well, I would like
to inject a serious note,

as, uh, Henny Youngman
did earlier.

I want to say to...

Harvey, my late husband,

as I look down at you,

lying there motionless,

I can only think
of one thing...

our wedding night.

I'll never forget my...

my last moments with...
Harvey,

As I... as I
took him into my arms...

and I whispered those
three little words:

"Sign the will. "

Great. But seriously,

I'm glad to see
Slappy White here today.

Now at least I know
my hubcaps are safe.

And Rip Taylor,
is that a toupee,

or did a beaver curl up
and die on your head?

As I look at Henny Youngman today, I'm
not so sure we're burying the right guy.

♪ At last,

the greatest album
of love songs ever recorded.

You'll want to share them
with someone special.

♪ Why do birds suddenly appear ♪

Sung by the man who turned a personal
affliction into a recording career,

Don "No Soul"Simmons.

♪ Just like me ♪

♪ They long to be ♪

♪ Close to you ♪

♪ Why do stars ♪

♪ Fall down from the sky ♪

♪ Every time ♪

♪ You walk by ♪

♪ Just like me ♪

♪ They long to be ♪

♪ Close to you ♪

♪ She'd been sitting there ♪
So curl up by the fireside...

and listen to the non-threatening
music of this master showman.

♪ And, honey, I miss you ♪

♪ And I'm
being good ♪

♪ And I'd love
to be with you ♪

♪ If only
I could ♪

♪ Say, has anybody seen ♪

♪ My sweet Gypsy Rose ♪

♪ Here's her picture
when she was ♪

♪ My sweet Mary Jo ♪
Young lovers of any age...

will cherish
this timeless collection...

of the world's
most romantic ballads.

And if you act now,
you'll get free...

this bonus album:
Don Simmons Down & Funky.

♪

♪ ♪ Jeremiah was a bullfrog ♪

♪ He was a good friend of mine ♪

♪ I never understood
a single word he said ♪

This two-record collection
is not available in any stores,

so order now.

♪ Yes, he always
had some mighty fine wine ♪

By thunder!
She's a lovely sight, lads!

And you
can bet your miserable lives...

the cargo hold is filled
with precious booty.

Let's take her, Cap'n.
Aye. Are you game, lads?

Aye!

Video pirates! Man the guns and
prepare to "defend boarders. "

Fire!

Cutlasses,
me hearties!

Give them a bellyful
of steel.

Ah. By gum, Captain! All the
latest home videos. In Beta and VHS!

Aye! Some so current, they're
still in theatrical release.

Help yourself, mates. A
chest full of video discs. No!

What good are they? Can't record on 'em.

They're not compatible
with my system.

Captain! This one's locked.

Stand back.

Open 'er up.

Gather around, me buckoes,
and feast your eyes on this.

Make all the
illegal copies you want.

Put it on.
Aye, aye, Captain.

Ohhh, I'm so scared.

I said I don't want to be
disturbed. Griffin, it's me, Trent.

Trent, I've been
waiting for you.

Come in.

Ah, Griffin. I came as soon
as I received your cable.

Good God, man,
what happened?

I've done it, Trent. At
long last, I've done it.

I finally duplicated my father's
formula for invisibility...

after five years of injecting myself
with every chemical known to man.

But Griffin, the invisibility formula
turned your father into a raving lunatic.

That's where I've topped
the old man.

I've been on the stuff
for over a week now,

and I'm still perfectly sane.

Yes. I'll rule the world
with my secret.

Yes. And I'll
need you, Trent.

I must have a visible partner.

I can tell by your stunned expression
that you're pretty impressed.

Ah?

Ooh.

Look, Ma,

no hands.

I haven't come up with a reagent
to make myself visible again.

But what's the rush?
I'm having a ball.

Watch me closely.

Whee!

Ever see a shirt make
a phone call?

Ooh.
Pretty scary, huh?

Ooooh!

Wait till
you see this.

Uh, no. Griffin,

you don't have to go
all the way.

Yes.

Just listen for
the sound of my voice,

and you'll know where I
am at all times.

Come on. Let's have
some laughs! Griffin!

Being invisible is the best!♪

♪

Hey! Here comes
the invisible man again.

You, go and get some help.
I'll watch him here.

Whee-ooh!
Whee-ooh!

Oh, my. Now how did that
happen? Must be a ghost in 'ere.

This is unreal.

I'm terribly sorry.

Whee-ooh! Whee-ooh!

Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Wow! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Now, now, now. What's all
this? Here he is, Officer.

Take it easy with him.
He's not really dangerous.

Come along
quietly then, guv.

You'll have to find me first.

Come along.

Let's cover this one up.
Come on.

Wait. I'm invisible.
Don't touch me there.

Selma!

We now return to our feature...

starring Greta Van Zandt
and Lyle Talbot.

There will be
no further interruptions.

This looks like the remains
of some ancient culture.

Steve, I said some things back
there that I shouldn't have.

Anyway, thanks for saving
me from that dinosaur.

Forget it. Hey, would you
get a load of this joint?

This throne is still warm.

Where are you going?

I forgot somethin'
back on the ship.

What? I forgot to stay there.

We are experiencing technical
difficulties. Please stand by.

We are experiencing techn...

I demand that you set
us free, Queen Lara.

We are on an official
mission from the planet Earth.

Ha! "Planet Earth. "

Is that what you call that
pitiful ball hanging in the sky?

You wouldn't say that if you saw
Jane Russell or the Brooklyn Dodgers.

Silence, swine,

or you will suffer the
same fate as your friend.

I intend to file a protest
in the death of Blackie!

He dared to enter the sacred temple
and steal the precious moonstones.

But feeding him to giant spiders
without the benefit of counsel...

is not the way we do things
in America.

Boy, I never thought
I'd be so miserable...

surrounded by
beautiful dames.

Cut the gags, Butch.
We're in enough trouble.

What's she lookin' at? She acts
like she's never seen a man before.

She hasn't.
Have you, Alpha Beta?

No, my queen.

What are men good for?

Well, I'm pretty good in
the backseat of a Studebaker.

Butch!

Men are useless.
Back where I come from,

no woman is complete
without a man.

You see,
Commander Nelson,

12,000 gamma-spans ago...

"Gamma-spans"?
A moon unit of time,

roughly equivalent
to your Earth year.

Anyway, all men were banished from the
lunar surface because they couldn't...

For 131 years,

this great institution
has amassed...

what many consider to be the finest
collection of art anywhere in the world.

And now it can all be yours.

We've lost our lease!

That's right.
Everything must go.

From the old masters of Europe to the
conceptual artists of today's SoHo.

We're talking Rembrandts,
Botticellis,

Gauguin, Cézanne,
Matisse, Renoir...

and the chairman of the board,

Leonardo da Vinci.

This Egyptian sarcophagus...

from the dynasty of Ramses II,
appraised at $14 million.

Our price? $19.95.

Buy now, and we'll toss in,
free of charge,

the original
Declaration of Independence.

Now you might expect to pay
millions for this document...

that shaped a great nation.

But it's yours free. This fine parchment
will enhance any den or playroom.

And you can have some fun
with your friends...

by adding your own name
along with the original signers.

Remember,
the Cosmopolitan Museum of Art.

Every Van Gogh must go.

Hello, I'm Henry Silva.

Ever since the ocean liner Titanic
sunk on her maiden voyage in 1912,

people have asked,
"How did it happen?"

Join me...

as we dramatically
recreate... ♪ Nearer ♪

the sinking of the great ocean
liner Titanic. ♪ My God, to thee ♪

Bullshit or not?

You be the judge,
here on this station.

From the pen of
America's wealthiest author,

Irving Sidney, the man
who gave us...

The best-sellers, Irving Sidney's The
Naked Virgin...

And Irving Sidney's
The Power and the Flesh,

comes Irving Sidney's
sizzling new blockbuster...

Hey, baby.

Long time
no see, huh?

There must be some mistake.
Come on. Who are ya kiddin'?

It's me.
It's Bert.

Look, I'm in town with
the textile convention,

and I thought maybe we could,
uh, you know, party!

I don't do that anymore.
Oh...

You better get out of here before
you wake the president.

When President Harrison
Chandler was married in the White House,

it was the social event
of the decade.

The courageous president...

and his beautiful new bride.

But she possessed a secret
that could shatter her dreams...

and topple a government.

I'll meet you in the
Lincoln Room in five minutes.

She was forced to live a lie...

when her sins
came back to haunt her.

She was
"first lady of the evening. "

Irving Sidney's
1st Lady of the Evening.

A Magnet paperback in easy-to-read
type with no big words.

♪ Birds suddenly appear ♪

♪ Every time ♪

Look, Violet, what do you say
we go park out by the lake?

My glands are
out of control.

Well, okay, Georgie,
but are you prepared?

I've been preparing myself for 17 years.

That's not what I meant.

♪ Fall down from the sky ♪
- Pull over to that drugstore.

♪ On the day that you were
born the angels got together ♪

♪ And decided to create a dream come true ♪
- Georgie.

♪ So they sprinkled
moon dust in your hair ♪

♪ And golden starlight ♪
- Make sure you ask for Titans.

Those are the best.

That is why all the boys ♪

Hello, George.
How are ya?

Uh, hi, Mr. Gower.
I didn't think you worked nights.

My night man took sick.
What can I do for you?

We're having a sale
on shaving cre...

What am I saying? You're not old enough to
shave yet. I've been shaving since March.

See? Hey, I'd better call your
mom right now and thank her...

for the preserves she
brought over to our house...

Not now! I mean...

I- I mean, don't bother.

I'll give her the message
for you.

- I'll bet I know what you want.
- You do?

Sure. I was young once. Licorice sticks.

They came in
fresh this morning.

Mr.
Gower, I'm 17 years old.

Already?
Seems like only yesterday...

your mom was in here
buying talc...

to powder your
little bottom.

Heh. Uh,

look...

Never mind. Thanks.

♪ Follow you ♪

♪ All around ♪

♪ Just like me ♪

♪ They long to be ♪

Almost forgot
what I came in for.

Tube of toothpaste and
a box of...

Toothpaste and what?

A box of... Titans.

You have to
speak up, George.

Titans! I want a box
of Titan condoms!

George!

And to think you were
an altar boy.

You did say "Titans"?

Oh, only about four times.

Thanks, Mr. Gower.

♪

♪

What's goin' on?
George?

Rupert King, president
of Titan Condoms.

Congratulations, young man. You are
our one-billionth customer. Pictures.

Thanks, but I really
gotta go. Not so fast, kid.

We've been planning this for
months. It's really not necessary.

Tell me, George, how long have you
been using our fine Titan products?

Uh, you could say I never use
anything else. Great quote.

Are you getting all of this? You're
not gonna use my name, are you?

Modesty, I like it. You could give Titans
that wholesome image we're looking for.

Do you know what
you're doing to me?

The entire town's
gonna know about this.

You'll be a household name, George,
just like Bip, our Titan mascot!

Pictures. Pictures. Hi, folks.
Hi, George. Hi, everybody.

Hey, George, will
you autograph a box for me?

Get used to that, George.

More good news, George.

Even as we speak, your parents are racing here
to join you in your moment of Titan triumph.

My parents? Are you nuts? I'm
not even supposed to have the car.

Make sure you airbrush out
the kid's acne, okay? George,

as a token of our thanks, we'd like you
to have this lifetime supply of Titans!

- Thank you, Connie.
- All I wanted was one.

- Violet!
- George, I can tell,

you're as excited as we are,
as you begin this,

your yearlong reign as our
Titan king! Yippee!

And now the exciting
conclusion of the 1955 feature,

Amazon Women of the Moon.

There will be no further
commercial interruptions.

Bullshit or not?

Hey, cut the mush,
you two.

This place is about to
blow sky high. Yes, look!

Moogla, the mountain demon, is angry.

Yeah, and that ain't just
heartburn. We haven't got much time.

Let's go!

Come on, Loony.

There's the rocket.
Hurry! Come on, Alpha Beta.

When we get back to Earth, I'm
gonna show you Ebbets Field.

Oh, Steve, save yourself.

I wouldn't be able
to enjoy Earth without you.

Fasten seat belts.

I think we got about 12 seconds
before everything blows. Fire retros.

She won't turn over!

Listen to that sweet music.

There goes the only home
I've ever known.

You got a new home now, Lara,
With me on Earth.

What are they doing, Butch?
Well, it's called smoochin', babe.

Come here. I'll give ya
your first lesson.

Earth to Moon Rocket One.

Earth to Moon Rocket One.

This is the President.

Steve, I hope you have
things well in hand.

I'll say.

Psst.

Psst.

Yeah, you. Come here.

Yeah?
Saturday night.

- Yeah?
- Ain't got a date.

- What's your name, kid?
- Ray.

Ray?

♪

♪

Mmm.

You must be Ray.

I'm Sherrie.

I heard you were
good-looking,

but I had no idea.

Come on in.

As you can see,
I made dinner.

Mmm, but I'm not hungry
just yet... for food.

Do you know what I mean?

Help me with my zipper, Ray?

That's so much better.

God, you're such a hunk, Ray.

I want you.
And I want you now.

Get over here, Ray.

I'm waiting, Ray.

Take me.

I want you to make wild,
violent love to me.

Oh, yes, Ray.

Yes.

Oh, you're so good, Ray.

Yes. Ray!

You're the best, Ray.
Yeah, yeah.

Ray, give it to me!

Mmm, that's good, Ray.

Yeah!

You're the... best, Ray! Yeah!

- You dirty slut!
- Frankie, what are you doin' here?

- I thought you were outta town!
- That's what I wanted you to think!

- And I expected a little more from you, Ray.
- What, of me?

- You think I care about a loser like Ray?
- Loser?

- I did it to hurt you.
- You did it to hurt me?

Well, your cheatin' days
are over, street meat!

Frankie, what are you doin' with
that gun? I'm gonna teach you...

and this little
know-nothing wimp a lesson!

- That's what I'm doin' with the gun.
- No, Frankie!

I love you!
I've always loved you.

You think I enjoyed going to bed
with a worm like Ray? Shut up!

- Worm?
- You're history, Sherrie.

No!

Satisfied, Ray? Hmm?

Happy now, buddy?

Well, you're gonna have to live with
that guilt for the rest of your life.

And you know what else, Ray?

You're gonna have to live
with this too.

Freeze!

You have the right to remain
silent.

If you give up the right
to remain silent,

anything you say can and will be
used against you in a court of law.

You have the right to speak with an attorney and
have an attorney present at time of questioning.

♪ ♪ I was at a dance ♪

♪ When she caught my eye ♪

♪ Standing all alone ♪

♪ Looking sad and shy ♪

♪ We began to dance ♪

♪ Swayin' to and fro
whoa, whoa ♪

♪ And soon I knew
I'd never let her go ♪

♪ Blame it on the bossa nova ♪

♪ With its magic spell ♪

♪ Blame it on the bossa nova ♪

♪ That she did so well ♪

♪ Oh, it all began
with just one little dance ♪

♪ But soon it ended up
a big romance ♪

♪ Blame it on the bossa nova ♪

♪ The dance of love ♪

♪ Blame it on the bossa nova ♪

♪ With its magic spell ♪

♪ Blame it on the bossa nova ♪

♪ That she did so well ♪

♪ Oh, it all began
with just one little dance ♪

♪ But soon it ended up
a big romance ♪

♪ Blame it on the bossa nova ♪

♪ The dance of love ♪

♪

Is there anybody out there?

Would you please
do me a favor?

Call Crazy Leo's and tell him the
TV set he sold me has a problem.

I'm still under warranty.

Hello? Hello?

Help me.
I'll never see Selma.

I'll never get back.
I'll never get back.

I'm finished. I'm finished.
I'll never get back.

I'm goin' out of my mind.

Mary Brown?

- Yes.
- Sit down, Mary Brown.

Thank you, Doctor.

Mary, I've been going
over your tests.

How did a nice girl
like you...

come to contract
a social disease?

Then my worst fears
are confirmed.

Oh, the shame of it!

Now, now. You are unclean,

but there's always hope.

Tell me how
you went astray.

Tell me everything.

I won a...