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[Gen. Clayton] The Americanmilitary presence in Korea...
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is unlike anyin our nation's history.
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Our troops are fighting
side by side...
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00:01:01,620 --> 00:01:04,521
with 17 other United Nations forces.
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00:01:04,589 --> 00:01:07,456
All in all,
a very unique situation.
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But I can tell you one group...
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00:01:09,961 --> 00:01:13,055
that may be suffering
an adverse effect...
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the 4077 MASH.
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I've been getting reports that treatingcasualties so close to the front...
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is beginning to take its toll.
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I'm going to send you
up to that unit...
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00:01:25,310 --> 00:01:28,438
for the purpose of conducting
a psychiatric evaluation.
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00:01:28,513 --> 00:01:32,472
Your recommendation will determine
if they are to be disbanded...
14
00:01:32,550 --> 00:01:35,314
and its members
shipped to other units.
15
00:01:37,255 --> 00:01:39,416
The 4077 is under the command...
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00:01:39,491 --> 00:01:41,618
of Lt. Col. Henry Blake.
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A fine surgeon, Henry.
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A fair-to middlin'administrator.
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Blake's people are very devoted to him.
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And I must say,he is highly thoughtful of them.
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00:01:52,804 --> 00:01:57,366
- Morning, Henry.
- Morning, dear. Morning.
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Oh. That will be
two kisses, please.
23
00:02:01,379 --> 00:02:03,279
Here you go.
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00:02:05,350 --> 00:02:08,012
Mmm.
And here's your change.
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Blake's company clerk
is a, uh, Corporal...
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Radar O'Reilly.
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00:02:16,561 --> 00:02:18,893
There are times, I must confess,
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00:02:18,964 --> 00:02:22,092
when it seems Henry Blakeis Corporal O'Reilly's clerk.
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Sign these, sir.
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00:02:24,669 --> 00:02:27,729
- What am I signing, Radar?
- Uh, this is a request to rectify...
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00:02:27,806 --> 00:02:30,468
last week's supply foul-up
from Quartermasters' Corps.
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Was there another foul-up
in Quartermaster last week?
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00:02:32,944 --> 00:02:34,969
In duplicate and triplicate, sir.
Uh, yes, sir.
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00:02:35,046 --> 00:02:37,844
They sent 2,000 specimen cups
by mistake.
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00:02:37,916 --> 00:02:39,008
Two thousand.
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00:02:39,084 --> 00:02:41,985
Came in the same order
as the 400 breast pumps.
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00:02:42,053 --> 00:02:44,920
- Gee, that's an awful lot...
- Lot of breast pumps. Yes, sir.
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00:02:44,990 --> 00:02:47,857
- If you'll just initial this, please.
- Just initial?
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00:02:47,926 --> 00:02:51,453
The initial signifies that
you signed instead of initialed it.
40
00:02:51,529 --> 00:02:53,463
- Right.
- Thank you.
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00:02:53,531 --> 00:02:56,466
[Whirring]
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Then there's the chief nurse
of the 4077,
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Maj. Margaret Houlihan.
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00:03:02,374 --> 00:03:05,775
An angel of mercy, Maj. Houlihan.
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A woman dedicatedto giving relief to others.
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00:03:09,848 --> 00:03:13,443
Oh, Margaret.That's delicious.
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Maj. Frank Burnsis the unit's ranking surgeon.
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A very competent doctor,
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but a bit of a prude,if you should ask me.
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00:03:20,992 --> 00:03:24,155
Margaret, when you touch me,
my knees turn to pudding.
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00:03:30,835 --> 00:03:32,826
Frank, I'll get all messy.
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You're going to need a bath,
you naughty girl.
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[Bubbling In Water]
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00:03:39,377 --> 00:03:42,608
Maj. Burns billetswith two other doctors...
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captains both...
Pierce and Mclntyre.
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00:03:47,352 --> 00:03:49,843
Two exceptionally qualified surgeons,
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00:03:49,921 --> 00:03:54,051
but in their off-hours,their antics can become quite... antic.
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00:03:54,125 --> 00:03:57,117
Separately, they're a handful.
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00:04:01,099 --> 00:04:03,567
Who rewrote these Commandments?
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00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:09,636
[Giggles]
Hawkeye, don't.
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00:04:09,707 --> 00:04:12,904
I can't help it. Even as a child,
I used to play with my food.
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00:04:12,977 --> 00:04:16,879
Together, Pierce and Mclntyremake a... remarkable pair.
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00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:24,313
Gimme three.
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00:04:24,389 --> 00:04:26,983
Uh, two, please.
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00:04:27,058 --> 00:04:29,253
Everybody ready?
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00:04:29,327 --> 00:04:31,488
Two kings.
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00:04:31,563 --> 00:04:33,827
Three threes.
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00:04:33,898 --> 00:04:35,832
- Full house.
- Ahh!
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00:04:35,900 --> 00:04:38,027
Pay up!
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Turn your back.
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00:04:43,141 --> 00:04:46,372
My concern is that the 4077...
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00:04:46,444 --> 00:04:49,174
is operating under more pressure
than it can stand.
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00:04:49,247 --> 00:04:52,410
More and more,we're forced to use green troops.
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00:04:52,484 --> 00:04:56,944
And green troops have a way of turning
hospitals into standing-room-only.
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00:04:57,021 --> 00:04:59,922
Hot stuff!
This one's in shock!
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00:04:59,991 --> 00:05:02,323
This guy's still breathing!
Get your butt over here!
77
00:05:02,393 --> 00:05:04,987
- I need some help. Hold this.
- Are you clean? Hold that.
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00:05:05,063 --> 00:05:06,997
I need some more sponges.
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00:05:07,065 --> 00:05:09,625
- Longfingers.
- Longfingers.
80
00:05:09,701 --> 00:05:12,499
- We're getting close, Pierce.
- Grab that bowel, Henry.
81
00:05:12,570 --> 00:05:14,697
- Wait a minute.
- I don't think he's got a minute.
82
00:05:14,772 --> 00:05:17,070
Come on.
More lap sponges, damn it.
83
00:05:17,142 --> 00:05:19,702
- Here we go.
- Can we watch our language, please?
84
00:05:19,777 --> 00:05:23,770
Anytime you want to kick me out of this
country club I'll second your blackball.
85
00:05:23,848 --> 00:05:28,251
- Can we watch our language, please?
- Pierce, you do good work.
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00:05:28,319 --> 00:05:32,085
Oh, yeah. Another three or four wars,
I'll be sensational.
87
00:05:32,157 --> 00:05:35,888
We're about to button this kid up.
Let's get the next one in. Move it!
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00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:40,659
[Jeep Motor Revving]
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00:05:40,732 --> 00:05:43,565
- [Tires Screech]
- What happened?
90
00:05:43,635 --> 00:05:47,093
- Phosphorous burns.
- Water, copper sulfate, quick!
91
00:05:47,172 --> 00:05:49,902
- How do they ship a kid like this?
- They put him out once.
92
00:05:49,974 --> 00:05:52,169
The breeze in the chopper
started it up again.
93
00:05:52,243 --> 00:05:54,541
- Get some water on there.
- Out of the way.
94
00:05:54,612 --> 00:05:56,910
Get the fire out first, boys.
Get the fire out first.
95
00:05:56,981 --> 00:06:00,883
- Move him in. Let's go!
- I'll take care of this myself.
96
00:06:00,952 --> 00:06:02,943
Klinger!
97
00:06:03,021 --> 00:06:05,080
I told you to get
out of those clothes.
98
00:06:05,156 --> 00:06:07,351
Not till I'm discharged, sir.
99
00:06:09,427 --> 00:06:11,361
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
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00:06:11,429 --> 00:06:13,287
You'll get your dress dirty.
101
00:06:13,421 --> 00:06:16,322
[Gen. Clayton] As a psychiatrist,you'll be able to tell...
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whether the 4077can still function as a team.
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00:06:20,094 --> 00:06:22,324
And for your purposes,it might be best...
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00:06:22,396 --> 00:06:26,332
to reveal the true natureof your mission only to Col. Blake.
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00:06:35,876 --> 00:06:37,810
Break us up?
106
00:06:39,947 --> 00:06:42,279
But you can't break us up.
107
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I mean, we've been together so long,
we're like a family.
108
00:06:45,786 --> 00:06:49,620
Families go their separate ways
sometimes, Colonel.
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Children grow up, leave.
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I understand.
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00:06:54,328 --> 00:06:57,263
I mean, uh...
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00:06:57,331 --> 00:07:01,233
I mean, you're not gonna write down
everything I say to you, are you?
113
00:07:01,302 --> 00:07:04,032
I have a report to make, sir.
114
00:07:04,105 --> 00:07:06,039
Oh, of course.
115
00:07:06,107 --> 00:07:08,371
- Like a brandy, Captain?
- No, thanks.
116
00:07:08,442 --> 00:07:11,172
Gin? Scotch? Rye? Beer?
I got it all.
117
00:07:12,646 --> 00:07:15,171
Don't get the idea that I drink.
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00:07:15,249 --> 00:07:18,480
I mean, it's just that,
uh, you know, uh,
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00:07:18,552 --> 00:07:22,283
every now and then there's
a lot of pressure around here,
120
00:07:22,356 --> 00:07:24,290
and, uh, you know...
121
00:07:24,358 --> 00:07:26,792
Not that there's a lot of pressure
or anything like that.
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00:07:26,861 --> 00:07:30,160
It's just that every now and then,
like your least little pressure,
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it'll build up to an incredible
amount of pressure around here!
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Radar.
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00:07:36,137 --> 00:07:38,970
- Would you bring in some brandy?
- Thought you might like some brandy.
126
00:07:39,039 --> 00:07:41,940
That'd be real nice.
127
00:07:42,009 --> 00:07:45,445
Um, Capt. Hildebrand
doesn't care for any.
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Oh. Then I won't
bring his glass in.
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00:07:54,588 --> 00:07:57,250
Great little kidder, that one.
130
00:07:57,324 --> 00:07:59,349
But a crackerjack clerk.
131
00:07:59,426 --> 00:08:01,724
Look, you just tell me
who it is you want to interview,
132
00:08:01,795 --> 00:08:03,729
and he'll line 'em all up for you.
133
00:08:03,797 --> 00:08:07,028
My orders are to make
discreet observations, Colonel.
134
00:08:07,101 --> 00:08:09,501
There will be no interviews.
135
00:08:09,570 --> 00:08:14,405
Gee whiz, I'd sure like to know what
put this bee in Gen. Clayton's bonnet.
136
00:08:14,475 --> 00:08:18,844
The 4077 is one of the most committed,
responsible bunch of people...
137
00:08:18,913 --> 00:08:21,575
I've ever had the privilege
of being associated with.
138
00:08:21,649 --> 00:08:23,879
- [Phone Ringing]
- Excuse me.
139
00:08:23,951 --> 00:08:27,045
Hello.
Yeah, well, show him in.
140
00:08:27,121 --> 00:08:29,248
I mean, we have really got some...
141
00:08:31,325 --> 00:08:33,384
Morning, sir.
142
00:08:33,460 --> 00:08:36,327
X rays of the patient
with the phosphorous burns, sir.
143
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- Oh, uh, thank you, Klinger.
- Will that be all, sir?
144
00:08:39,300 --> 00:08:41,996
That's more than enough, Klinger.
145
00:08:52,246 --> 00:08:55,044
- I can explain that.
- So can I.
146
00:08:55,115 --> 00:08:57,515
I mean, it's not what it looks like.
147
00:08:57,585 --> 00:09:00,179
What do you think it looks like?
148
00:09:00,254 --> 00:09:02,814
Well, I think it looks terrible.
149
00:09:02,890 --> 00:09:05,290
Well, then, that's what it looks like.
150
00:09:05,359 --> 00:09:09,090
Oh, there's nothing wrong with Klinger.
151
00:09:09,163 --> 00:09:11,688
I mean, he goes out with girls.
152
00:09:11,765 --> 00:09:14,996
He must be stealing their clothes.
153
00:09:15,069 --> 00:09:20,302
Ah, he's just bucking for a discharge,
that's all. He wants out on a psycho.
154
00:09:21,442 --> 00:09:23,808
You know. It's logical.
155
00:09:23,877 --> 00:09:25,811
Psycho.
156
00:09:25,879 --> 00:09:28,313
I'm familiar with the word, Colonel.
157
00:09:30,050 --> 00:09:31,984
Oh, of course.
158
00:09:32,052 --> 00:09:35,317
I'd like to get started
in the morning, first thing.
159
00:09:35,389 --> 00:09:37,619
Well, let me get the billeting
on that for you.
160
00:09:37,691 --> 00:09:41,320
Uh, Radar, uh, would you, uh...
161
00:09:41,395 --> 00:09:44,364
- Capt. Hildebrand is gonna spend a day...
- Or two.
162
00:09:44,431 --> 00:09:48,367
Or two. He's gonna spend some time
with us before he leaves.
163
00:09:48,435 --> 00:09:51,836
- Yes, sir.
- Please assign him to the V.D. Tent.
164
00:09:51,905 --> 00:09:54,271
- I mean, the P.I.B. Tent.
- Follow me, sir.
165
00:09:54,341 --> 00:09:56,275
Uh, the P.I.V. Tent. The P...
166
00:09:58,612 --> 00:10:00,739
- [Hildebrand] Colonel?
- Yo.
167
00:10:00,814 --> 00:10:02,748
Remember, Colonel...
168
00:10:04,184 --> 00:10:06,584
Not a word.
You have my word.
169
00:10:07,688 --> 00:10:09,178
Yes, sir.
170
00:10:13,894 --> 00:10:15,828
Hawkeye?
171
00:10:17,431 --> 00:10:19,456
Captain?
172
00:10:19,533 --> 00:10:22,559
She seemed more like
a lieutenant to me.
173
00:10:22,636 --> 00:10:25,104
Captain, it's me, Radar.
You've got to get up.
174
00:10:25,172 --> 00:10:28,801
Get out of here, Radar,
or I'll sever every nerve in your butt.
175
00:10:28,876 --> 00:10:31,868
It's Col. Blake.
He says it's urgent.
176
00:10:31,945 --> 00:10:33,879
What is it, a patient?
177
00:10:33,947 --> 00:10:36,472
No, just the colonel.
He needs you in the shower.
178
00:10:36,550 --> 00:10:39,576
You think he'd be old enough
to know where everything is.
179
00:10:39,653 --> 00:10:42,247
All I know is he says it's important.
180
00:10:45,025 --> 00:10:46,959
Trapper?
181
00:10:48,095 --> 00:10:50,063
Trapper?
182
00:10:50,130 --> 00:10:52,064
- Trap...
- [Gasping]
183
00:10:58,706 --> 00:11:02,836
Look, okay.
I know it's dumb to be in here.
184
00:11:02,910 --> 00:11:06,744
But Clayton sentthis joker Hildebrand to spy on us.
185
00:11:06,814 --> 00:11:09,715
And I figured the shower
was the safest place to meet. Right?
186
00:11:09,783 --> 00:11:12,149
Absolutely.
Nobody ever comes in here.
187
00:11:13,287 --> 00:11:15,585
- To cover our voices.
- [Loudly] What?
188
00:11:15,656 --> 00:11:18,750
- To cover our...
- You got a case of galloping paranoia.
189
00:11:18,826 --> 00:11:20,760
Never mind.
Now look.
190
00:11:20,828 --> 00:11:23,695
I'm the only one who knows
this guy's a psychiatrist.
191
00:11:23,764 --> 00:11:26,426
And you still got the guts
to wear that?
192
00:11:26,500 --> 00:11:29,196
Pierce, can you lay off the wisecracks
for just five minutes?
193
00:11:29,269 --> 00:11:33,262
Oh, he always acts funny
in a men's shower.
194
00:11:33,340 --> 00:11:36,741
Look, what I'm asking you guys is...
make that commanding.
195
00:11:36,810 --> 00:11:39,301
- Keep it asking.
- It's to for pete sakes...
196
00:11:39,380 --> 00:11:42,543
stop acting like a couple of horse's
patoots while Hildebrand is here.
197
00:11:42,616 --> 00:11:45,949
Or sure as God made little green apples,
he's gonna break us up.
198
00:11:46,019 --> 00:11:49,318
And I don't think any of usreally want that to happen.
199
00:11:49,390 --> 00:11:52,325
I mean, as screwy as this outfit is,
better the devil you know, right?
200
00:11:56,130 --> 00:11:59,065
- You've got our word, Henry. Right?
- Yeah.
201
00:11:59,133 --> 00:12:00,964
- Promise?
- Promise.
202
00:12:01,034 --> 00:12:02,126
Thanks.
203
00:12:02,202 --> 00:12:04,636
Henry? Your fly is closed.
204
00:12:08,175 --> 00:12:10,109
- [Houlihan] Yes?
- Major?
205
00:12:10,177 --> 00:12:12,645
- Who is it?
- It's me, Henry Blake.
206
00:12:12,713 --> 00:12:17,309
- Just a minute. Go.
- [Objects Clattering]
207
00:12:17,384 --> 00:12:19,750
Come in, Colonel.
208
00:12:21,388 --> 00:12:22,548
Hi.
209
00:12:22,623 --> 00:12:25,319
Uh, we were just going over
tomorrow's duty roster.
210
00:12:25,392 --> 00:12:26,825
The one on my desk?
211
00:12:26,894 --> 00:12:28,759
He means
yesterday's duty roster tomorrow.
212
00:12:28,829 --> 00:12:32,026
Never mind.
I've got something serious to discuss.
213
00:12:32,099 --> 00:12:34,033
- Sir...
- What is it...
214
00:12:34,101 --> 00:12:36,763
A Capt. Hildebrand showed up today
from Headquarters in Seoul.
215
00:12:36,837 --> 00:12:40,398
He's a psychiatrist,
and he's here on Clayton's orders.
216
00:12:40,474 --> 00:12:43,932
Now, it is my guess that
someone in this unit has been...
217
00:12:44,011 --> 00:12:47,003
rat-finking to the general
on the sly.
218
00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:50,538
It wasn't me.
Anyway, it was my duty to.
219
00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:57,757
There is nothing wrong with reporting
the unmilitary posture of your command.
220
00:12:57,825 --> 00:13:00,350
Just let me remind you,
Mrs. MacArthur,
221
00:13:00,427 --> 00:13:02,520
that if this unit gets split up,
222
00:13:02,596 --> 00:13:05,588
it might just happen
that we all get split up.
223
00:13:05,666 --> 00:13:09,466
Which means that you and Burns will have
to stop practicing medicine together.
224
00:13:09,536 --> 00:13:13,165
And whatever else it is
you've been practicing.
225
00:13:20,447 --> 00:13:22,642
- Sir... I'm sorry.
- What the hell...
226
00:13:22,716 --> 00:13:25,378
- Everything's taken care of.
- Good.
227
00:13:25,452 --> 00:13:28,785
Everybody's agreed to behave themselves
in front of Capt. Hildebrand...
228
00:13:28,856 --> 00:13:32,292
- and make the place look real G.I.
- Very, very good.
229
00:13:32,359 --> 00:13:34,486
- I want every golf club out.
- I took all golf clubs and hid them.
230
00:13:34,561 --> 00:13:36,859
- Sew the hole in the shower.
- I sewed the hole in the nurses' tent.
231
00:13:36,930 --> 00:13:39,262
And I took Klinger's bras
and I burned them.
232
00:13:45,780 --> 00:13:48,943
## ["Reveille"]
233
00:13:50,718 --> 00:13:53,186
##[Continues]
234
00:13:56,057 --> 00:13:57,991
##[Continues]
235
00:13:58,059 --> 00:14:01,517
Hey!
Somebody give the place a shove!
236
00:14:01,596 --> 00:14:04,622
##[Needle Scratches Across Record,Song Continues]
237
00:14:07,769 --> 00:14:11,967
- What is that?
- This motel is surrounded by soldiers.
238
00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:14,873
It's disgusting that you sleep
in your underwear.
239
00:14:14,942 --> 00:14:17,740
It beats sleeping in yours.
240
00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:21,742
We're all gonna make nice
for Capt. Hildebrand today,
241
00:14:21,816 --> 00:14:23,750
but don't push us.
242
00:14:25,253 --> 00:14:27,244
Well, a shave wouldn't be a bad start.
243
00:14:27,321 --> 00:14:29,312
You both look more like bums
than doctors.
244
00:14:29,390 --> 00:14:33,258
Actually, I was thinking
of becoming a bum doctor,
245
00:14:33,327 --> 00:14:35,318
but the proctology class was full.
246
00:14:35,396 --> 00:14:38,422
Ha, ha, ha.
247
00:14:49,777 --> 00:14:53,440
- What is that?
- "What is that" what, Frank?
248
00:14:53,514 --> 00:14:58,349
Why is someone's appendix in this boot?
249
00:14:58,419 --> 00:15:00,580
Because the other one
is full of tonsils.
250
00:15:07,595 --> 00:15:11,053
Uh, Captain?
Captain Hildebrand, good morning.
251
00:15:11,132 --> 00:15:13,066
- Good morning.
- How about breakfast?
252
00:15:13,134 --> 00:15:15,364
It's how a very typical day
starts here.
253
00:15:15,436 --> 00:15:19,099
- Good idea.
- [Man Over P.A.] Attention.
254
00:15:19,173 --> 00:15:22,540
Colonel Blake at 16... uh, 1700 hours...
255
00:15:22,610 --> 00:15:24,942
will deliver his weekly lecture.
256
00:15:25,012 --> 00:15:27,276
Tonight's subject will be...
257
00:15:27,348 --> 00:15:29,407
"Togetherness."
258
00:15:29,484 --> 00:15:33,386
The lecture will be followed by a talkon the perils of trench mouth.
259
00:15:36,724 --> 00:15:38,658
I'll have two scrambled powdered eggs...
260
00:15:38,726 --> 00:15:42,253
and a slice of World War II
surplus bread, and don't make it tasty.
261
00:15:42,330 --> 00:15:46,130
- [Woman] I'd like some coffee.
- Wouldn't we all?
262
00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:50,466
There we go. Pierce, Mclntyre,
I'd like you to meet Capt. Hildebrand.
263
00:15:50,538 --> 00:15:54,167
- He's here to, um, to observe.
- Your surgical technique.
264
00:15:54,242 --> 00:15:56,403
Oh, really?
You got a specialty?
265
00:15:56,477 --> 00:16:00,004
- Uh, gynecology.
- Nose and throat.
266
00:16:00,081 --> 00:16:02,072
Well, you were close, Henry.
267
00:16:04,185 --> 00:16:06,244
Uh, mind if we join you?
268
00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:08,254
We were going to join the nurses.
269
00:16:08,322 --> 00:16:10,517
Yeah, we were going to join them
and make one big nurse.
270
00:16:11,826 --> 00:16:13,760
[Forced Chuckling]
271
00:16:16,164 --> 00:16:18,758
Frank, care for
a little company, buddy?
272
00:16:18,833 --> 00:16:21,734
- Plenty of room for everyone.
- Thanks, pal.
273
00:16:21,802 --> 00:16:24,362
Could I have the salt
down there, buddy?
274
00:16:24,438 --> 00:16:28,101
Listen, could you take it easy with the
"buddy" talk? I've got a weak stomach.
275
00:16:28,176 --> 00:16:30,406
Thanks.
276
00:16:30,478 --> 00:16:33,345
Oh, uh, Maj. Burns, general surgeon,
277
00:16:33,414 --> 00:16:37,009
Capt. Hildebrand,
nose, throat and bloomers.
278
00:16:37,084 --> 00:16:40,986
Hey, Frank. I took a look at that kid
whose bowel you resected this morning.
279
00:16:41,055 --> 00:16:43,114
That was some job.
280
00:16:43,191 --> 00:16:45,159
- What was wrong with it?
- Not a thing!
281
00:16:45,226 --> 00:16:48,093
You ought to put your monogram on that
scar, Frank. That was a thing of beauty.
282
00:16:48,162 --> 00:16:51,029
Well, I don't like to brag,
but that is my specialty.
283
00:16:51,098 --> 00:16:55,467
Oh, I mean to tell you. One look, andI can see your hand all over that gut.
284
00:16:55,536 --> 00:16:58,994
Uh, Colonel,
may I have the butter, please?
285
00:17:00,575 --> 00:17:02,702
- Henry? The butter.
- Hmm?
286
00:17:02,777 --> 00:17:05,541
Oh, here you go, "Piercelntyre."
287
00:17:07,548 --> 00:17:11,314
The men are always
complimenting each other's work.
288
00:17:11,385 --> 00:17:14,843
We're thinking of going into practice
together when we get home.
289
00:17:14,922 --> 00:17:18,358
- Isn't that right, Trap?
- We're gonna open our own clinic.
290
00:17:18,426 --> 00:17:21,486
That's right. The three of us
war buddies would run the place.
291
00:17:21,562 --> 00:17:24,326
Frank would park the cars.
292
00:17:25,499 --> 00:17:27,865
Great, great leg-pullers, these guys.
293
00:17:36,244 --> 00:17:39,008
Is there room for one more?
294
00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:41,640
Well, Capt. Hildebrand,
this is Maj. Houlihan.
295
00:17:41,716 --> 00:17:43,877
- How do you do? Nice to meet you.
- Delighted to meet you.
296
00:17:43,951 --> 00:17:46,249
She's our head nurse.
Best one in Korea.
297
00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:49,050
Every nurse I've ever known
takes a backseat to the major.
298
00:17:49,123 --> 00:17:50,055
Thank you.
299
00:17:50,124 --> 00:17:53,525
And you're talking to a man who's
taken a lot of nurses into backseats.
300
00:17:53,594 --> 00:17:56,085
- Miz Scarlet.
- Thank you, Captain Pierce.
301
00:17:56,163 --> 00:17:59,098
Pass the butter, will you, Pierce?
302
00:17:59,166 --> 00:18:01,100
Thank you.
303
00:18:06,540 --> 00:18:08,701
One big, happy family, aren't we?
304
00:18:08,776 --> 00:18:11,768
Well... mm-hmm.
305
00:18:11,846 --> 00:18:15,839
##[P. A: Woman Singing"Hi Lily, Hi Lo"In Korean]
306
00:18:35,202 --> 00:18:37,693
##[Continues]
307
00:18:46,547 --> 00:18:48,674
[Houlihan]Who is it? Who...
308
00:18:52,420 --> 00:18:54,354
[Indistinct]
309
00:18:54,422 --> 00:18:56,356
[Man Over P.A.]Attention, please.
310
00:18:56,424 --> 00:18:59,393
Immediately following mass this Sunday,Yom Kippur services...
311
00:18:59,460 --> 00:19:02,827
will be held for all Jewish personnelof the Hebrew faith.
312
00:19:17,712 --> 00:19:20,909
Childish. Not childlike,
313
00:19:20,981 --> 00:19:23,347
with its connotations of innocence...
314
00:19:23,417 --> 00:19:25,351
and joyous abandon,
315
00:19:25,419 --> 00:19:27,353
but childish.
316
00:19:27,421 --> 00:19:31,050
Delight in petty bickering,summer-camp capers,
317
00:19:31,125 --> 00:19:33,286
and in general behave
in a manner ill befitting...
318
00:19:33,361 --> 00:19:37,627
officers in the United States Army
and members of the medical profession.
319
00:19:37,698 --> 00:19:39,689
It is to some degree understandable.
320
00:19:39,767 --> 00:19:43,134
You are, after all,only three miles from the front.
321
00:19:43,204 --> 00:19:46,173
You would not be
the first people to crack...
322
00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:48,208
under the stress of war.
323
00:19:48,275 --> 00:19:52,837
I resent that, Captain. I, for one,
have not cracked because of the war.
324
00:19:52,913 --> 00:19:55,245
- That's true, Captain.
- Thank you, Pierce.
325
00:19:55,316 --> 00:19:57,841
Frank showed up here cracked.
326
00:19:57,918 --> 00:20:01,696
With a Bible in one hand and a pair of
shorts that said "hold me" in the other.
327
00:20:01,830 --> 00:20:04,594
- Pierce!
- Oh, come on, Henry. The party's over.
328
00:20:04,666 --> 00:20:07,726
- Now, listen. Don't pay any attention...
- No, he's right, Colonel.
329
00:20:07,802 --> 00:20:12,239
Even tipping them off couldn't keep them
from behaving the way they really feel.
330
00:20:12,307 --> 00:20:14,775
How would you feel, Captain,
if you were forced to serve alongside...
331
00:20:14,843 --> 00:20:17,073
a pair of medical misfits?
332
00:20:17,145 --> 00:20:18,612
Ol�!
333
00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:21,171
And this one has
no respect for decency.
334
00:20:21,249 --> 00:20:23,649
He turns everything
into a hollow mockery.
335
00:20:23,718 --> 00:20:27,882
That's a lie. I've never once
taken out the insides of a mockery.
336
00:20:27,956 --> 00:20:31,255
He's right, Captain.
They're both impossible.
337
00:20:31,326 --> 00:20:34,659
You stay out of this, Hot Lips, or I'll
stop selling tickets to your shower day.
338
00:20:34,729 --> 00:20:37,163
- [Stomping Feet]
- [Stomping Feet]
339
00:20:37,232 --> 00:20:40,565
- All right. Steady, people.
- You are no gentlemen.
340
00:20:40,635 --> 00:20:42,967
- Good thing you are.
- How d...
341
00:20:43,037 --> 00:20:45,631
"I d-d..."
342
00:20:49,577 --> 00:20:51,704
While you're writing,
make note of the fact that...
343
00:20:51,779 --> 00:20:54,247
thanks to the failure of
the world's various elected heads,
344
00:20:54,315 --> 00:20:58,411
not to mention just plain dictators,
to keep a cold war from turning hot,
345
00:20:58,486 --> 00:21:00,977
I am forced to operate
alongside a surgeon...
346
00:21:01,055 --> 00:21:03,990
who can't trim his toenails
without committing malpractice.
347
00:21:04,058 --> 00:21:06,925
I resent that.
348
00:21:06,995 --> 00:21:11,295
- How do you know he meant you?
- Well, who else? I mean, uh...
349
00:21:11,366 --> 00:21:14,597
Uh, Captain,
we're not as bad as we seem.
350
00:21:14,669 --> 00:21:16,830
There isn't a nurse in camp
they haven't tried to molest.
351
00:21:16,905 --> 00:21:18,600
Except the male ones.
352
00:21:18,673 --> 00:21:21,972
- Speak for yourself.
- [Inaudible]
353
00:21:22,043 --> 00:21:24,637
That one spies on everybody.
354
00:21:24,712 --> 00:21:28,443
Now, dear, he is our son.
355
00:21:29,517 --> 00:21:31,085
- He is not!
- Sir...
356
00:21:31,085 --> 00:21:31,813
- He is not!
- Sir...
357
00:21:31,886 --> 00:21:35,049
- Radar, what the hell is it?
- Choppers. More wounded.
358
00:21:37,725 --> 00:21:40,489
[Helicopter Blades Whirring]
359
00:21:43,131 --> 00:21:45,827
- [Chattering, Indistinct]
- [Houlihan] We need some sponges here.
360
00:21:49,203 --> 00:21:51,467
Okay, who ordered the pepperoni pizza?
361
00:21:51,539 --> 00:21:54,975
[Burns]I need some plasma over here!
362
00:21:55,043 --> 00:21:57,568
- Here, give me the longfingers.
- How's it going, Frank?
363
00:21:57,645 --> 00:21:59,909
He's fine. He's young.
364
00:22:01,349 --> 00:22:04,079
Need some more light, please.
365
00:22:04,152 --> 00:22:06,643
- It's not the light, it's the blood.
- Everything okay, Pierce?
366
00:22:06,721 --> 00:22:09,713
- Get somebody to give us some sponges.
- You got it.
367
00:22:09,791 --> 00:22:14,353
- Sponges are here.
- I've got a lot of bleeding here.
368
00:22:14,429 --> 00:22:16,624
Nurse, gown and gloves,
on the double.
369
00:22:22,437 --> 00:22:25,270
This is no good.
I need suction here.
370
00:22:25,340 --> 00:22:28,366
- [Houlihan] Suction.
- [Pierce] Clean it out. Clamp.
371
00:22:30,011 --> 00:22:33,503
That's better.I can see a little better.
372
00:22:33,581 --> 00:22:37,415
- Excuse me.
- How are you? Scissors and pickups.
373
00:22:37,485 --> 00:22:39,510
- Scissors, pickups.
- All right.
374
00:22:41,823 --> 00:22:43,950
Okay.
That's better.
375
00:22:44,025 --> 00:22:46,323
Now we're cookin'.
Here we go.
376
00:22:46,394 --> 00:22:50,091
[Houlihan]Clamp. Clamp.
377
00:22:50,164 --> 00:22:52,223
We may need some...
378
00:22:52,300 --> 00:22:54,666
How did Notre Dame do?
379
00:22:54,736 --> 00:22:57,034
Okay, sew him up
and give him his bill.
380
00:22:59,641 --> 00:23:02,007
- Oh!
- [Shivering]
381
00:23:09,283 --> 00:23:11,217
Ten-hut!
382
00:23:13,054 --> 00:23:15,750
Thought I might have
a word with Capt. Hildebrand.
383
00:23:15,823 --> 00:23:18,291
Oh, uh, Capt. Brildehan...
Hildebrand. Yes, sir.
384
00:23:18,359 --> 00:23:20,486
Uh, well, I don't know where he is.
He's, uh...
385
00:23:20,561 --> 00:23:24,258
- He's probably at the, um...
- [Pierce] Over here.
386
00:23:24,332 --> 00:23:26,266
Mon generale.
387
00:23:28,736 --> 00:23:31,102
Capt. Hildebrand!
388
00:23:31,172 --> 00:23:34,835
These guys make a ginthat can melt your dog tags.
389
00:23:34,909 --> 00:23:37,434
Comes from a recipe first brewed
in Hermann Goering's navel...
390
00:23:37,512 --> 00:23:39,446
and handed down from war to war.
391
00:23:39,514 --> 00:23:42,745
- You had a mission here.
- I can give you your report.
392
00:23:42,817 --> 00:23:46,947
In my short stay here,I have seen textbook examples...
393
00:23:47,021 --> 00:23:49,319
of neuroses, psychoses.
394
00:23:49,390 --> 00:23:51,654
I have seen voyeurism, fetishism...
395
00:23:51,726 --> 00:23:53,853
and a few "isms"
I never even heard of.
396
00:23:53,928 --> 00:23:57,694
And let me tell you this, General:These impossible people...
397
00:23:57,765 --> 00:24:02,099
are in an impossible placedoing totally impossible work.
398
00:24:02,170 --> 00:24:04,968
They're mad, quite mad, all of them.
399
00:24:05,039 --> 00:24:07,530
And the only act I can think ofthat would be madder still...
400
00:24:07,608 --> 00:24:10,076
would be breaking them up.
401
00:24:15,583 --> 00:24:17,551
Well, we did it again.
402
00:24:17,618 --> 00:24:21,054
Screwed up in reverse.
We'll never get out of here.
403
00:24:21,122 --> 00:24:24,785
- Um, have a drink, General?
- It's 8:00 in the morning.
404
00:24:24,859 --> 00:24:27,191
Well, I'd like to
propose a little toast.
405
00:24:27,261 --> 00:24:29,456
Well...
406
00:24:29,530 --> 00:24:33,489
- Still in the same tent?
- No, sir. They moved me out.
407
00:24:33,568 --> 00:24:35,627
Here you go, General.
408
00:24:35,703 --> 00:24:37,637
The finest kind.
409
00:24:43,044 --> 00:24:45,171
[Man Over P.A.]Attention.
410
00:24:45,246 --> 00:24:48,044
Be sure to follow the zanyantics of our combat surgeons...
411
00:24:48,116 --> 00:24:51,085
as they cut and stitchtheir way along the front lines,
412
00:24:51,152 --> 00:24:53,814
operating as bombs...
413
00:24:53,888 --> 00:24:56,686
operating as bombs and bulletsburst around them,
414
00:24:56,758 --> 00:25:01,058
snatching laughs and lovebetween amputations and penicillin.
415
00:25:01,129 --> 00:25:03,063
Follow Hawkeye Pierce,
416
00:25:04,198 --> 00:25:07,133
TrapperJohn Mclntyre,
417
00:25:07,201 --> 00:25:09,965
Henry Blake,
418
00:25:10,037 --> 00:25:12,904
Hot Lips Houlihan,
419
00:25:12,974 --> 00:25:15,636
Frank Burns,
420
00:25:15,710 --> 00:25:17,644
Radar O'Reilly...
421
00:25:19,180 --> 00:25:21,239
and Corporal Klinger.
34753
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