All language subtitles for Youre Driving Me Crazy 1990

(MultiCom Jingle)

(moody electronic music)

- [PA System] Dr. Bruce
to telephone, please.

Dr. Bruce to telephone, please.

- Supposed to be the new transfer.

- Well, it's about time.

- Hey, where you want a new recruit?

- Seven's free, I think.

- Lucky seven it is.

- Try not to get lost this time, you hear?

- [Attendant] Whatever you say, Doc.

(lighthearted soft music)

- You should really know better, you know?

- I do know better, that's why I do it.

- New patient?

- Yes, and a real
humdinger if I do say so.

I've never seen anything like it.

- Well, it's gonna have
to go some distance

to beat the case I had the other day.

Teenager from a perfectly
normal family, as they say.

(doctor laughs)

- The worst kind.

- Yes, well at any rate,
he seemed merely to

be having the typical problems adjusting,

although he did possess a
rather overactive imagination.

(peaceful music)

- Earth to Matthew.

Earth to Matthew, anybody home?

- Hi, Steph.

- "Hi, Steph."

Is that all you have to say, "hi, Steph?"

Where are you, outer space?

I thought we were supposed to
go to the mall after school.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I guess I forgot.

- He guesses he forgot.

You know, sometimes I
really wish I was one of

those characters in those
creepy books you read.

Maybe then I'd get more attention.

- I'm sorry.

Look, let's go out tonight,

catch a movie or something.

Can you get your parents car?

- Sure, they never use it,

but the "or something"
sounds much more interesting

than a movie, if you know what I mean.

(eerie tones)

You know, it's still
early and I don't have

to get the car back for a while.

And maybe I could come up for a while,

if it's okay with you.

- Mm-mm, no, that's
really not a good idea.

You see, my mother, my
mother's allergy's have been

acting up, it always happens
around this time of year.

- Her allergies?

Last week it was her arthritis,

the week before it was
your father's migraines.

All I get is a list of
your family's diseases.

Don't you find that a little weird?

- Weird?

No, it's not weird.

It's just that they're really old.

Look, Stephanie, you
don't wanna meet them,

they're really not that interesting.

Trust me, your parents are much nicer.

- Just get the feeling
that you're a little

ashamed of me, that's all.

- Oh no, Steph, I'm
really not ashamed of you.

You're terrific, it's just
that they're private people,

old, private people.

Look, I better take off.

My parents told me back before late.

- Yeah, well, I just remembered I have

homework to do anyway.

- See you tomorrow?

- Sure.

(engine revs)

(moody electronic music)

- [Mother] My, my look who's home.

But why didn't you invite Stephanie in?

She sounds like such a nice girl.

Oh look, you've stained your sweater.

Sometimes you can be so clumsy.

Don't forget to hang up your coat.

That's better.

You know, you're really
gonna have to learn

to pick up after yourself.

You won't always have
a mother to remind you.

Yes, one of these days some lucky girl

is gonna steal you away from me.

(sighs)

Now remember, Matthew, to
wear your winter pajamas.

It's getting chilly out.

And don't forget to brush your teeth.

Like my mother always said,
you can't grow another set.

(peaceful music)

(muffled chatter)

Matthew, rise and shine,
breakfast is ready!

Oh, Matthew!

- Hi, dad.

- [Father] Your mother and
I have been talking, son,

and we're very happy you found a nice girl

but we're wondering when
we might get to meet her,

get to know her a little.

- [Mother] Yes, why
don't you bring her over?

I could cook for her, we
could have a nice chat

instead of sitting out in the street

in that car doing lord knows what.

- Since when is sitting in
a car against the law, huh?

- [Father] Don't talk
like that to your mother!

Don't forget, we're your parents.

You should be more respectful.

- [Mother] We can understand
that you feel nervous

about us being different,

but I never thought I'd
see the day when my own son

is ashamed of his mother.

- [Father] Now see what you've done.

What do you have to say for yourself.

Answer me when I speak to you, answer me!

- Don't you understand?

I can't bring her here!

I can't bring anyone here!

This place is like a different planet,

with you two muttering
to each other all day.

- [Father] Well.

- Do you think she would understand?

She is from the 20th century.

She has normal parents!

- [Mother] Don't shout
at your father, Matthew.

What kind of boy are you turning into?

- I really wish you two
would just leave me alone

and you would let me lead my
life like a normal human being.

Why don't you crawl back into your cellar

where both of you belong?

- [Mother] Matthew.

What's wrong with that boy?

- [Father] That's puberty for you.

- Hi Stephanie, how are you?

- Not bad, I'm just gonna
go sit over there with Matt.

- See ya later.

- Hey, Jeff.

Matthew.

Matthew.

- Oh, hi, Steph.

- Matthew, listen to me, we've gotta talk.

- Talk?

Okay, about what?

- About us, or about you.

It's as if I don't exist.

We never have time alone together,

and when we do, I might
as well be a houseplant.

- We were alone last night.

- Well, exactly, and what happened?

Look at me, Matthew, I'm a girl.

Or can't you tell?

- Of course I can tell.

- Well then why don't
you treat me like one?

Why do I feel more like your
chauffer than your girlfriend?

We've been going out for six months now

and I haven't even met your parents yet!

- I told you about my parents.

You don't wanna meet them,
they're really strange!

You wouldn't like them,
I don't even like them!

- Oh, give me a break, Matthew.

Whose parents aren't strange?

All I know is when somebody
isn't being treated

the way they're supposed to,
they go find someone else

who knows how to.

(eerie tones)

(jaunty orchestral music)

- Dad?

Dad, I'd like to
apologize for the way I've

been acting recently.

I think it's just the
pressure of school and stuff.

- [Father] The pressure of school.

Why, back in the old country
I was at the top of my class

and still had time for extracurriculars.

(chuckles) You know what I mean?

But that was a different time.

- Dad, about Stephanie.

I was wondering if maybe
she could come over tonight

and we could watch
television or something.

- [Father] Excellent.

I'll tell your mother, she'll be pleased.

- No, dad, I'm sorry.

I was hoping that you
guys could kind of stay

in the kitchen or something.

Just because it's
Stephanie's first time over

and I wouldn't wanna make
her feel uncomfortable.

She's kind of shy, you see?

- [Father] Say no more,
I was young once myself.

I understand.

Women can be such delicate
creatures at times,

but other times, like fire.

Oh, I could tell you a story or two.

(laughs)

Come, let me give you some advice, son.

Something my father told me.

No matter how much trouble you're in,

you must always trust your blood.

The same blood that runs
in my veins runs in yours.

You must trust it, even
when it gets very hot.

(moody electronic music)

- Yeah, she's here.

Could you make yourselves
just a little scarce tonight?

- [Father] Come on, dear.

- [Mother] Why I should have
to hide like a common criminal.

- [Father] We promised Matthew.

We don't want to clamp
his style now, do we?

- [Mother] Our own flesh
and blood, ashamed.

- Thanks a lot.

I promise you'll get to
meet her, just not yet.

(doorbell rings)

- Hi!
- Hi.

- [Father] Hm!

- Well?

- Oh, sorry, come on in, come on in.

Let me take your coat.
- Wow, this place is great!

You never told me it was like this before.

- Oh, you don't wanna look in there.

My mom would kill me if she found out

I was letting you look in
there, it's a real mess.

- Your parents aren't home?

But I thought you'd tell
me that they'd be home.

- No, they're not, they're
not gonna be back until later,

much later.

- [Father] Very nice.

Very nice indeed.

- Oh, I just love these stairs.

Well, the whole place
it's, it's so elegant.

Hey, what's that door to?

- My bedroom.

- Oh, really?

Let me see.

- Steph?

Steph?

(moody atmospheric music)

- Uh...

Neat, I guess.

So, this is your bed.

- [Father] That's my boy.

- Um, I was just thinking,
maybe we could go out

and sit on the sofa,
watch some television.

- Ah, the sofa.
- Eat some popcorn.

- All right, but first you're
gonna have to help me up.

- [Father] Good move.

- [Mother] I'm so worried about Matthew.

He can't seem to adjust
and now he's turning on us.

- What's wrong?
- Leave the boy alone.

- Wrong?

Uh, nothing, um, I think I heard the cat.

I better go check, I'll
be right back, okay?

- [Mother] If anyone's to
blame, it's you for bringing us

to this place, it's unnatural.

- [Father] You're the
one removing his manhood.

- [Mother] Manhood!

With you for a father, hah!

- Can't you guys keep it down?

You, you promised me you
wouldn't ruin this for me.

All I can hear is you two yelling.

It's enough to make my head explode.

- [Father] She started it.

- [Mother] You were the
one who insulted my family!

- Look, I don't care whose fault it is.

I just want you to keep it quiet.

If you ruin this for me,
I'll never forgive you.

- [Mother] See what you've done?

- [Father] (scoffs) Women.

I should've listened to my father.

(moody electronic music)

- So, is your cat okay?

- My cat?

Oh, she's fine, just hungry.

- Yeah, me too.

- Mm, sorry, help yourself.

- Uh, Matthew?

- Mm-hm?

- Who were you talking to downstairs?

And don't tell me it was your cat.

- Talking to?

Downstairs?

- Yeah, I mean, you told
me your parents were out,

I heard you talking to someone downstairs.

- Uh, they just got back, just
now, just right now, yeah.

- That's funny, I didn't hear the door.

Can I meet them now?
- Um!

Okay.

I've gotta talk to you about my parents.

You see,

my parents aren't from around here.

They're, uh...

They're...

- They're aliens, so what's
so strange about that?

Oh, what country are they
from? No, wait, let me guess.

France, I've always
wanted to go to France.

- No, they're from a place
a lot further than that.

- Poland?

- Yeah, something like that, yeah.

- Well, anyway, can I meet them now?

- No, there's something else.

My parents, uh, they've got these,

these conditions.

These really contagious conditions.

- Conditions, like cancer or something?

Matthew, that's awful.

- It's tragic, I have to stay around here

and take care of them.

Just kind of waiting
for them to, you know...

waiting for them to, uh, waiting for--

- Oh, Matthew.

- [Mother] What kind of
boy are you turning into?

She seems like such a nice girl.

- [Father] Trust your blood,
son, trust your blood.

- [Mother] She seems
like such a nice girl.

- What's the matter now?

What are you acting so strange for?

- No, no, no, no, I'm not acting strange.

No, I'm going to the bathroom.

You wait right here, I'll be right back.

(Steph sighs)

(suspenseful chime music)

(Steph sighs)

(suspenseful electronic music)

- [Mother] We wouldn't
be having this trouble

with Matthew if I had listened
to my mother's advice.

- [Father] Not with your mother again!

I'm warning you!

- [Mother] She always knew you wouldn't

amount to very much.

- [Father] I told you.

- [Mother] And now your
son must suffer as well.

- [Father] My son, oh, he's
my son when things go wrong

and your son the other times.

Well you can have him because
it's your responsibility,

your genes, a flaw in the blood.

- [Mother] Ha, you talk
of flaws in the blood

when yours hasn't risen to the occasion

in over half a century.

(suspenseful electronic music)

Like my mother always said--

- [Father] That's enough!

I'm sick of listening to this garbage!

- [Mother] Remember, we promised Matthew.

- [Father] Like I said, he's your son!

(peaceful piano music)

(grunts)
(peaceful piano music)

(mother grunts)

(suspenseful string music)

Finally, face to face.

- [Mother] Hello, Stephanie.

(intense electronic music)

We were beginning to wonder if we would

ever get a chance to meet you.

Now, as soon as you finish your soup,

we can have a nice, long chat.

- Stephanie?

- [Mother] I hope you like
it, I made it fresh today.

- Stephanie?

- I don't know what you were
trying to pull, Matthew,

telling me all those
things about your parents.

They seem really neat.

- [Mother] That Matthew, he's always had

such an imagination.

Be careful, it's hot.

- [Father] I knew she'd
be a delightful creature,

but I never suspected a
delicious creature, son,

a delicious creature.

- Stephanie.

These people are dangerous.

- [Mother] Matthew!

- Uh, they're radioactive.

- [Mother] Oh, for goodness sake.

- From Chernobyl.

- Oh, cut it out,
Matthew, the joke's over.

This is really delicious.

- [Mother] One of these
days we'll have to have

you over for a complete meal.

That will put some flesh on your bones.

- [Father] Yes, I've
always wanted a daughter.

- Stephanie?

- You know, I should
tell my parents to invite

you all over for dinner one time.

I'm sure you'd really like them.

- [Father] A splendid idea.

- [Mother] Oh yes, we should get out more.

- Zip it much.

They're aliens.

- [Mother] Not that again.

- Can you tell?

No?

It's me?

- [Father] Grow up, son.

- [Mother] I knew you
would be such a nice girl.

- Is it me?

- [Mother] Oh, Matthew.

- [Matthew] Stephanie!

(moody electronic music)

- You say he flipped out just like that,

no warning or nothing?

- [Mother] He was always
such a sensitive boy.

- [Father] I'll tell you,
the same thing happened

to my brother-in-law.

Bad genes, I tell you.

- Don't let them take
Stephanie, they're aliens.

I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy,
they're aliens, Stephanie.

- They don't speak much English.

They're not from around here,
they're from the old country.

- [Father] Time to go, Stephanie.

- Stephanie!

- [Mother] Come along, Stephanie.

Nevermind him, he's just
trying to get some attention.

- Stephanie!

Stephanie!

Stephanie!

(siren wails)

- We have the poor boy
on medication, of course,

but he's still quite delusional.

Can't accept the fact that his parents

are just the same as any of us.

Insists they're aliens of some sort.

- You Freudians could get a
lot of mileage out of that one.

- No respectable psychiatrist
referring to himself today

would ever use that F word.

- But still, you have to admit,

the Menagerie is all there.

An overprotective mother,
a predatory father,

severe alienation leading to psychosis.

Now, this patient of
mine on the other hand

does not seem to fit any of the molds.

A successful TV producer who
got carried away in his work,

then one day...

(jaunty electronic music)

- No, I am fine.

I am perfectly fine.

Don't you worry about me.

I'm a...

- You sure don't look fine!

(man blows raspberries)

- All right, let's party!

(producer groans)

- Okay, roll it back.

Okay.

Stop there.

(glass clanks)

Okay, roll it back.

- You sure don't look fine!

(man blows raspberries)

- This is awful.

- We'll lay laughs on it, it'll work!

- But it's not funny.

I mean, who would laugh at this?

- Wait, you'll see.

- [Producer] Oh, Judy, Judy.

(canned laughter)

- Is that better?
- No.

- Hold on, hold on.

- All right, let's party!

(canned laughter)
(Judy chuckles)

- It's kind of humorous,
I mean, look at her eyes!

Hold it, it'll be funny.

- All right, let's party!

(canned laughter)
(Judy laughs)

- Now that is funny, Frank.

- Yeah, she's old and
she parties, so what!

Hey, you're not funny.

- Frank, we can make it
funny, just wait a second.

(man blows raspberries)
(canned laughter)

(somber atmospheric music)
(canned laughter)

- This is the worst
thing I have ever done.

Bob!

- Frank.

- Alice, isn't this great, huh?

Isn't this something?

Did you see that last scene?

- No.
- Oh, come on.

You know the one when
she comes into the room,

she comes in,

(playful music)

and she can't believe what's happening.

Her crazy old aunt is in town,

her parents are on their
way over to meet him!

And he can't even stand
up straight, blind-drunk.

You know, he's supposed to be
making this great impression,

but instead he's doing
this Jerry Lewis thing.

You know, the...

(grunts)
(thud)

Huh, huh?

And she is just standing there

with her mouth gaping open.

Huh?

Because she doesn't know what to do.

Wait, it's a little bit like
Arthur, if you think about it.

But you know, completely
different and twice as funny,

if you think about it.

Oh, and then who should come out of

the guest room right then, huh?

Alice?

The woman's aunt from out West!

And so the old gal, she
steps into the room.

She steps into the room,
she takes a look around

and she sees this guy lying on the couch.

And what do you think
good old dame does, huh?

What do you think?

Rob?

She looks at him and she says,

"All right, let's party!" (laughs)

- All right, all right,
we give up, keep doing it

but we wanna see it as soon as possible.

When can we see it?

- Well, Rob, just a couple more days.

I have to polish off the sound--

- Can't we take a look at it now as it is?

- Alice.

Not yet.

I want you to see it properly finished.

And hey, I'm not gonna
make any promises here,

but I think we just might have
another award winner here.

Maybe bigger than The Cop.

- Frank, we don't want
another award winner,

but it would be nice, just
for a change, to break even,

for a change, maybe make a
buck or two, just for a change.

- Rob, come on, it's gonna be great.

- Don't screw up, Frank.

(moody electronic music)

(ominous tones)

- What do you want, Pickens, you lost?

- No problem, no wrinkles, man.

Just calling it in.

Time of the month to call it in.

- I don't have it.

- Then we'll have to
make a new deal, Frank!

I guess a whole new deal
will have to be made

if that's the case.

(laughs)

(Frank groans)

So, how's the show treating
you these days, Frank?

Could stand to see something pretty funny

on TV these days.

You know, the only thing worth watching

these days on TV is PBS.

Except Sesame Street.

- [Woman] It's Beverly, your
last alimony check bounced.

You know Melody needs braces
and Robby needs new boots.

Get back to me or see you in court.

- Gee whiz, Frank.

You've gotta watch them
economic responsibilities, man.

You gotta keep things smooth,
you gotta keep them slick.

- [Man] Frank, it's Dale.

The sponsor walked out,
you know what that means,

it's just your money now, Frank.

Let's talk, stay right
there, we're on our way.

- Jesus!

- Sound like trouble if you ask me.

- Yeah, well no one asked you, Pickens.

And I all ready told you
once, I don't have the money.

The studio was supposed
to forward me in advance,

but the deals change until we
get a network run, alright?

- Uh-uh, that's not what
we agreed upon, man.

You see, no one ever told me
that you can change your part

of the deal and now all of
a sudden I'm being told that

we gotta change our part of the deal?

Uh-uh, it ain't fair to me
and it ain't fair to us.

(ominous tones)

Yeah.

- Hey!

- These were better days
for you, man! (chuckles)

Much better days.

- You leave that there.

Okay, so now what, Pickens?

- Well, I guess now we
change the deal, huh?

(laughs)

Come on, Frank, don't be looking so pale.

It's not like I'm gonna break your legs

or anything like that.

- You're real funny, Pickens.

- Crazy.

Yeah, I like that one.

Not like that other
crap you did afterwards.

- Why don't you give that
back right now, please?

- Got anything to eat?

- Okay, so get to the point, Pickens.

- What's to say, man?

You broke my trust.

You have to be more careful
once you break the trust, man.

- All right, so what do you want?

- I want the show.

- Well, you can't have it.

- Yes, we can!

- Oh, for Christ sakes, Pickens!

You're gonna have to
wait like everybody else.

- Afraid not, man.

You see, you oughta consider
yourself to be lucky

to be hanging around with us!

From what I hear, the
show ain't even that good.

- The show is funny.

- You're funny, Frank.

You're funnier than the show.

- Help yourself.

- (chuckles) No chicken?

(ominous tones)

- [Frank] Oh, for Christ sakes!

- What else you got to eat, Frank?

I want chicken, man.

There's no way out of your
contract unless you pay up.

Hey, man, got a towel?

You're ours forever.

(chuckles)

(intense piano chords)
(groans)

- You missed a spot, Pickens.

(Frank grunts and pants)

(eerie electronic music)

Get it together, Frank.

(woman laughs)

Is someone there?

(woman laughs)

(woman laughs)

(woman laughs)

(woman laughs)

(audience laughs)

(woman laughs)

(woman laughs)

(Frank pants)

(Frank sighs)

(doorbell rings)

You'll have to excuse the mess.

The cleaning lady doesn't
come till tomorrow.

Can I get you something?

Alice?

- It's not that we don't
like the show, Frank,

it's just that we wonder
how funny it really is.

- I'm with Rob, we really just
don't know how funny it is.

- Oh, well it's funny!

I saw it again after
you left this afternoon,

and it was funny.

So, what's the problem?

- Well, we're just not sure about it.

I mean, it's not that we're
pulling the plug or anything,

not yet.

- Not yet.

Rob, what have you seen?

Have you seen it with the laugh track?

- No, we haven't.

- Alice?
- No.

- Well, you have to!

It's really funny with the laugh track!

- We understand how
these things work, Frank.

And believe me, when we saw the first cut,

we could understand these little things.

I mean, we could imagine how it would be!

- No, no, no, Rob, you
can't imagine these things.

Rob.

Come on.

For god's sakes, give the thing a chance.

- We will, believe me, we will.

It's just that we want
you to know what sort

of problem we have, especially
before you start the second--

- Do you even have a script
for the second one yet?

(Frank chuckles)

- Alice.

Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

(chuckles) And as a matter of fact,

the second one is even
funnier than the first one,

which is really funny, by the way.

- So tell us, what happens?

- Well, it's kind of hard to explain just,

you know, off the top of my head.

All right, okay, okay.

What happens is, what happens
is, it's about the drunk,

oh, it's called The Drunk.

And well, um, he's...

He's got a job interview.
(playful music)

And on the day that he's
supposed to go in for this thing,

he gets really, really drunk.

I mean, he's really nervous,

so he decides to tie one
on, and I mean a big one!

(laughs)

And I mean, he gets so drunk
that he goes completely

comatose, I mean, he
can't even move a finger.

You can't even see him
breathing or anything.

(audience laughs)

Did you hear that?

- What?

- That laughter.

- We can imagine it with
laughter, we're professionals.

- You didn't hear that?

- Could we go on?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So...

So everyone in the
family thinks he's dead.

I mean, they really
think he's dead! (laughs)

And, and, they spend the entire show

lugging his body around,
trying to do something with it.

And every time there's
no one in the room...

(Rob laughs)

Somehow he gets up and
he fixes himself a drink,

and then bang, he's out again.

(Rob laughs)

By the end of the thing, he's got the job

and he can't remember a thing.

(everyone laughs)

- Oh, Frank.

I like it.
- Would I let you down?

- Frank.
- I told you it was funny!

- Sorry for the grief, Frank.

You're right, I think
you've got a real hit here.

I think this is gonna be really great!

- [Frank] Alright!

- Are you taking care of
yourself alright, Frank?

- Yeah, no, no, I'm fine.

- Oh, hey Frank, can I use
your bathroom before I go?

(Frank chuckles)

- No.

Goodnight, Alice.

(ominous electronic music)

(doorbell rings)

(ominous piano chord)

(audience laughs)

- Hello, I'm glad to have found you in.

I'd like to talk to you,

and ask you just how
you feel about the Lord.

I'm sure you know that
there are many pressures

and burdens in the world that seem to grow

and build with time.

But what people seem to
be forgetting is that

the greatest burden, the...

(eerie atmospheric music)

(audience laughs)

(thud)
(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

(audience laughs)

(engine revs)

(moody electronic music)

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

(suspenseful electronic music)
(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

- It's not funny!

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

Turn it down!

Thank you.

(audience laughs)

(Frank coughs)

(muffled radio chatter)

(water splashes)

- Freeze!

What are you doing down there?

(Frank chuckles)

- I'm freezing!

Hey, that's funny.
(audience laughs)

- What the hell is that?

- That's Arnold Pickens, man.

You know, a little black guy
about that tall, likes to eat.

But hey, you guys probably
know him better than I do.

(audience laughs)

- [Officer] All right, come with us.

- Uh-uh, man, that's
not what we agreed upon!

Nobody told me that the deal
can change and now all of

a sudden you're expecting
me to change the deal?

Uh-uh, man, uh-uh.

It ain't fair to me, it
ain't fair to Pickens,

and it ain't fair to us, man, uh-uh.

(audience laughs)

Hey, you guys got something to eat?

I am so hungry!

Hey, some cake, how about some chicken?

- Okay, freeze!

Now rewind.

Okay, hold it.

More laughter.

- Hey, you guys got something to eat?

I am so hungry!
(audience laughs)

Hey, some cake, how about some chicken?

- Yeah, man, now that's the
deal, know what I'm saying?

- He is now a slave to a dangerous being.

And what I find so
fascinating is that he has

become in effect his own victim,

and seems to have abandoned his

previous personality completely.

- Sounds like a simple
case of guilt repression

if you ask me.

- Of course, that's what I thought, too.

But not even guilt can survive the dosage

of Stelazine that I've got him on.

- Unless...

Unless, of course, the patient
happens to be Catholic.

(doctors laugh)

Whereas this new patient,
who seems to be suffering

from an absence of guilt, you see?

- What do you mean?

- Well, from what I've read so far,

he appears to be a real golden
boy, a holier-than-thou type,

and of all things, of all things,

a fashion photographer.

(moody electronic music)
(camera snaps)

- Hold your hair back with your hand.

Mm-hm.

Terrific!

All right, more of that glow.

Keep it coming, keep it coming.

Good, good, good, good, nice one!

Alright, alright.

Now, lean a little bit forward.

Okay, dreams now.

Yeah, terrific, bingo!

Secrets, secrets, what are you telling me?

Alright, that's it, good, good, good.

Alright, keep that flow.

Yeah.

Yes, yes, yes.

Keep it coming, keep it coming.

Hold your shoulder, glow, and yeah!

Keep the flow, that's
it, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Okay, alright, now I want
you to lean forward a bit,

that's it, hold your
hair back with your hand.

Ah, terrific!

Yeah, okay.

Now, Cindy, I want you
to put a little more

innocence into this one.

Come on, you should be really
great at this kind of shot.

- Maybe I'm not as
innocent as I used to be.

(camera snaps)

- Maybe you're putting too
much candy up your nose.

(knocks)

Yeah?
- Michael Fletcher?

- That's me.
- Then sign here.

- Thanks.

(approaching footsteps)

- Michael?

- What, Cindy?

- Well, would you mind if
we started again tomorrow?

It's getting kind of
late and I was supposed

to meet some people later.

- Cindy, I just hope
you're not running off

to meet your damn cocaine friends.

That stuff will kill you.

It's all ready begun to kill your career.

- But I hardly do any.

- Oh, yeah, and Muammar
Gaddafi's a nice guy.

Listen, if you don't stop now,

you're gonna become an addict, a prisoner,

and some stupid little
whamo full of powder's

gonna be stronger than you.

And there are very few
things more pathetic

than being dependent on something.

And my telling you this
is none of my business

and it's not my job, but
this stuff is gonna play

with your mind and your body,
and that's such a shame,

any addiction!

- Yeah, I know, but it's just--

- Oh, what's the use?

- No, it's just that when Tony does it,

he, he wants me to do it, too.

He says he doesn't like his
girl to be left out of--

- And that's because he wants you hooked

and dependent on him, too.

You should really consider
how good this guy is for you.

- He loves me.

- Fine, have lots of fun!

- This is really beautiful.

- Yeah, that's the first
shot I ever got published.

I lost the negatives but my mom found

an old print in the basement.

- It's too bad, I would've
loved to get a print.

- Hey, I'm sorry, but this
is the only one I've got

and I hold it precious.

- That's okay.

Anyway, goodbye.

- See you tomorrow.
- Yeah.

- I wonder who could've sent this.

Probably Carl's idea of a practical joke.

What do you think, Ruff, huh?

Let's check it out.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Ah, jeez Carl, I'm sorry, I forgot.

Yeah, I know, I know.

(eerie electronic music)

Yeah, I'm always late, hey,
listen, save the speech

and I'll get there that
much quicker, okay?

Yeah, bye.

See your around, Ruff.

- Hi, Michael!

Oh, you're looking good.

- Well thanks, Charlie.

You're not looking too bad yourself today.

- I've been staying off domestic wines.

- Well, that would explain
it, hey, and this coat, ah!

Did you get this off
some fashion designer?

It's really you!

(schmaltzy jazz music)

Hey Charlie, I'd love to stay and talk

but I'm late and I gotta split.

- I understand a man
having their obligations.

I have a few myself but it's just,

that I can't seem to
remember what they are.

- I almost forgot.

Remember, that's for coffee.

- Thanks for your support.

- Hey, Ernie.

- Well, well, if it
isn't my star customer.

How are things going, Michael?

- Busier than ever, Ernie.

Sometimes I wonder how
I manage to keep up.

- I remember years ago
a young man came to me

to argue over the price
of a beat up camera

with enthusiasm, despair.

Don't tell me you've lost
the spark you had then.

- Oh, I've still got
the enthusiasm, alright,

it's just that now it
seems that everybody else

wants a piece of it.

Hey, tell me, those blow ups ready yet?

- Of course, Michael.

Here they are.

Something's wrong?

- Oh, with your work? Never.

It's the model, Cindy,
she's spoiling fast.

- Yes, perhaps the images
could use a little softening.

- Oh, it's not the images,
it's her, it's drugs!

I've done my best to
protect her from it all,

all the hype and the parasites.

And does she listen to me? No.

You know what it's like
to help people to do

what's best for them?

Like you did for me
when I was starting out.

- And like you did for Charlie out there.

Giving him a little pocket money.

- Exactly, but at least
he showed some gratitude,

not like Cindy.

- Gratitude?

So, that's what you're
after, is it, gratitude?

- Yeah, what's wrong with that?

- You like to help people,
don't you, Michael?

You know what's good for them.

You are good for them!

I can't help but be afraid of
what you're hiding beneath.

All of the good deeds,
like with Charlie just now.

- Hey, look, if I didn't
help that bum out, who would?

What would happen to him if I didn't?

- Who knows?

Maybe he wouldn't be a bum.

Did you ever consider it's your charity

that keeps him that way?

- Claire, how are you?

Sorry I'm late.

- No, save it, another time.

Yeah.

Okay.

(chuckles) Alright.

- Okay, Carl, what's the gag?

- What gag?

- You know, I got this strange package

in the mail this morning.

- Yeah, what?

- So it wasn't you?

- What are you talking about?

- A record, both sides had a B sticker

and there was this weird little note

that said the flip side is also your own.

- That's weird, but it
sounds like some PR guy

looking to make cheap noise.

- Yeah, I guess so.

I just assumed it was another
one of your practical jokes.

- No, never assume.

Well, they gave you a
receipt slip, didn't they?

- No, that's right, there wasn't a slip.

The guy just had me sign this list sheet.

There wasn't any other names on it.

- Probably part of the gimmick.

- Yeah, probably.

- Anyway, down to business.

There's a girl out there
by the name of Brenda.

- Yeah, I saw her on my way in.

- [Carl] Hm, she's a
major dreamer looking to

break into the modeling business,

but she doesn't have a chance in hell.

- Let me talk to her.

- Thanks, Michael, she's all yours.

- Geez.

- [Carl] Brenda, please.

- So, did you have a chance
to look at my portfolio?

- Yes, we did.
- And?

- We really don't think you have

what it takes to be a model.

- But the people at the modeling school

said that I have a lot of potential.

- Those people will say anything to

collect an enrollment fee.

- Oh.

- But these pictures have
a lot of dramatic potential

and I think you should try
your hand at acting instead.

Look, I'm gonna give you
a name of a friend of mine

who's casting for a movie,

he needs a lot of people
in your age bracket.

- Do you think I'd have a chance?

- Yeah, you may get a lot
of extra work at first,

but it's a start.

You never know until you try!

- Thanks for this, and for being honest.

- [Michael] No problem.

- Well.

On a bright note, I found the perfect girl

for the swimsuit campaign.

- Yeah?
- Mm, in your tent.

I wanted your okay before
confirming a booking.

Belinda?

Michael and I have seen
many other girls, you know?

- Yes, I'm aware of that.

- And we came to the conclusion that

you were perfect for the Bermuda shoot.

(Michael chuckles)

- [Belinda] I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

It's just that this is so exciting for me.

(peaceful music)

(ominous piano chord)

- Ruffles.

What have you done?

I loved that picture, it's irreplaceable!

Why don't you chill out for a while?

(Ruffles screeches)

(door slams)

(eerie chime music)

(suspenseful tones)

- Hey, haven't forgot our
dinner date, have you?

- No, I haven't.

- Wow.

You look terrible.

You look like you've just seen a ghost.

- It's nothing, I've just had a long day.

- Well, in that case, it's a
good thing I brought Chinese.

You won't have to cook tonight.

- Great.

- So, come on, let's eat!

(Michael sighs)

(somber atmospheric music)

(chimes ring)

(suspenseful music)
(chimes ring)

(chimes ring)

Michael?

Earth calling Michael.

- What do you want?

- I wanna know what's wrong with you.

You haven't slept all night.

Is something bad happening at work?

I don't know, maybe it's
something I said last night.

- Bitch.

(somber atmospheric music)

What's wrong is I got a girlfriend that

won't let me listen to
my sound system in peace!

- All right, well maybe
you need some time alone!

(phone rings)

- [Michael] Hey, leave a
message and you can win

the grand prize, a call from me.

(machine bleeps)

- [Man] Hi Michael, Dan
here, I hope you left.

We're all set up at the location,

like everybody's waiting,
the client, the model,

and Carl's getting on her case.

So I hope you're on your way.

(ominous atmospheric music)
(chimes ring)

- Take me to 120 front.

Did you get that?

- I got that, pal.

It looks like you left
in a bit of a hurry.

Is there a fire somewhere or what?

- Mind your own business, freak.

Didn't anybody tell you
Woodstock was over 20 years ago?

(laughs)

I gotta shoot.

I gotta shoot.

- Shoot?

Listen, I'll take you
anywhere you like, alright?

Nobody wants to shoot you, alright?

- What are you blabbering
about, you burned-out idiot?

I don't mean shoot, I mean shoot.

- Just take it easy, man.

I'll take you anywhere you like, alright?

Nobody wants to be shot.

- I gotta shoot, do you hear me?

I gotta shoot.

- Whatever you say, okay?
- I gotta shoot.

I gotta shoot.

(bell rings)
(train horn blows)

- You are late and you
are wearing pajamas.

- And you never learned to speak English

without that stupid accent.

Alright people, let's go, let's go!

I haven't got all day!

Cameras, where are my cameras?

I need cameras!

- Here, Michael.

- Don't handle my cameras
like a block of wood,

you fat flunk, I make more in
a day than you make in a year.

Hit the smoke!

Models, I need models, let's get to work!

I feel hot, so let's go, come on!

Move, move!

Give me that music!

(moody electronic music)

(camera snaps)

Belinda, come down next to Cindy.

You're still fresh, not
like this wasted bitch.

You know what, Cindy?
- No, what?

- Belinda is going on the
Bermuda shoot, not you.

You know why?

Because she's dependable,

not dependent on drugs like you are.

Belinda, come over here.

I want you to look more like a
hooker, you know what I mean?

- Michael!

- Now listen, I'm the artist around here.

When I say I want you
to look like a hooker,

you look like a hooker,

and that goes for you all, whores!

I want whores, do you hear me?

Makeup, makeup!

- No!

- No, no one says no to
me, you are through, baby.

Hey, makeup, stop checking
out my assistant's ass!

Now, you be a real good little coke whore.

- That's it, it's over.

I can't do business
with a, with a lunatic!

- Lunatic?

You call me a lunatic when
they call this fashion?

I've seen better clothes on a bag lady!

- Michael, stop--
- Don't Michael me!

I don't need this, I don't need you!

I'm out of here!

(intense orchestral music)

- I can't believe it, he's gone too far.

- I'm sorry.

- Sorry, so totally unprofessional.

Not a penny, not a penny, and
we'll never do business again!

- Okay, okay, okay.

(dark atmospheric music)

- [Charlie] Hey, Mikey, where
are you going in such a hurry?

- None of your concern, vagrant.

- Michael, you're not gonna--

- Get a god damn job, you worthless leech!

Get a god damn job.

- But Michael!

(ominous atmospheric music)

(chimes ring)

(phone rings)

(camera snaps)

(phone rings)

(camera snaps)

Hey, leave a message and
you can win the grand prize,

a call from me.

(machine bleeps)

- [Cindy] Listen Michael,
where do you get off

humiliating me in front
of all those people?

I have a problem, I know, okay?

And I have tried to deal with it.

I just need time, I don't
need you tearing me apart

to put a damn thing together.

I mean, who do you think you
are anyway, god or something?

You think you're perfect, don't you?

Well, I've got news for you, you're not,

you're not even close.

You're real, who treats
people the way you do,

and the sad part is you
don't even realize it,

that's exactly what you are!

The next time you need
someone to save, Michael,

take my advice, look in the mirror!

Oh, Michael!

You're so wonderful.

Thank you.

Thank you, oh, thank you.

Thank you.

(phone rings)

- [Michael] Hey, leave a
message and you could win

the grand prize, a call from me.

(machine bleeps)

- [Man] Hello, this is Self
Knowledge Incorporated.

By now, with the help of
our free promotional report,

you have set out on the most
important voyage of your life.

The voyage to self knowledge.

No doubt, you all ready
feel more in control,

more productive, more successful.

Hello, this is Self
Knowledge Incorporated.

(machine bleeps)

(knocks)

- Michael?

(moody electronic music)

Michael?

Oh my god.

Oh god, Michael!

Michael!

It's me!

It's Juliette, Michael, it's me.

(sobs)

Michael?
- It's this!

Isn't it?

(Juliette sobs)

(Michael screams)
- It's okay!

- It says right here that over at general,

they managed to stabilize him to a point,

but he still spends most of his time

in a semi-catatonic
state, humming to himself,

the same tune over, and over, and over.

- You know what they say,

life without music would be a mistake.

- Try telling him that.

- Excuse me, Doctors.

But I'm gonna have to be
closing up pretty soon.

- Good lord, is it that late?

And me with early rounds tomorrow.

- You would think we could
not get enough of this place.

- Give me a nice set of clubs,

and a nice green fairway anytime.

- Oh, there you are.

I've been looking all over for you.

- Is anything wrong, nurse?

- No, no, it's just
that it's getting late.

- Take your time, nurse,
we're in no hurry.

- This way, Doctors.

(playful music)

Oh, Doctor, I see that
someone's been taking things

that don't belong to them again.

- What?

- Come on.

Yes.

- Oh, well.

Another day, another trauma.

- Could you give these doctors a hand?

(moody electronic music)

- Goodnight, Michael.

- [Nurse] Goodnight, Ziggy.

- Goodnight, Carla.

Goodnight, Alfred.

- [Alfred] Goodnight, sleep well.

(moody electronic music)

(MultiCom Jingle)