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1
00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:08,209
Better Things, all new.
Thursdays at 10:00.
2
00:00:08,309 --> 00:00:10,744
Starts February 28 on FX.
3
00:00:13,214 --> 00:00:16,350
FXX presents You're the Worst.
4
00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:21,021
*
5
00:00:39,407 --> 00:00:42,243
* I remember when *
6
00:00:42,276 --> 00:00:46,547
* You were a mess *
7
00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:53,121
* Said we'd look back then *
8
00:00:53,154 --> 00:00:57,558
* On all of this... *
9
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:04,798
JIMMY:
It's absolutely remarkable.
10
00:01:04,832 --> 00:01:06,367
I've never seen anything
like this.
11
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:07,801
GRETCHEN:
It should be impossible,
12
00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:09,437
but we've tried every option.
13
00:01:09,470 --> 00:01:11,405
Paul ruins every single table.
14
00:01:11,439 --> 00:01:14,808
See, there aren't enough borings
for a boring table.
15
00:01:14,842 --> 00:01:17,711
I mean, we could put him
at the Alzheimer's table,
16
00:01:17,745 --> 00:01:19,780
and they'll forget
how boring he is.
17
00:01:19,813 --> 00:01:22,216
Ugh. I don't want him
at my wedding.
18
00:01:22,250 --> 00:01:24,618
Why can't he just go
to another wedding?
19
00:01:25,653 --> 00:01:27,888
Gretchen, put down the Paul.
20
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:30,090
This is insane.
We deserve a break
21
00:01:30,124 --> 00:01:32,560
from the mind-numbing drudgery
of wedding planning.
22
00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:33,961
Something fun.
23
00:01:33,994 --> 00:01:36,063
Mailbox baseball
in Beverly Hills?
24
00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:37,831
'Shrooms
at the Museum of Tolerance?
25
00:01:37,865 --> 00:01:39,433
Egging golfers as Griffith Park?
26
00:01:39,467 --> 00:01:42,002
No. Even better.
27
00:01:42,035 --> 00:01:44,238
-Fuck Week.
-Fuck Week.
28
00:01:44,272 --> 00:01:46,674
Fuck Week. For a week,
29
00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:49,009
we can sleep
with whomever we like...
30
00:01:49,042 --> 00:01:51,145
In.
31
00:01:51,179 --> 00:01:53,013
You know, to get it out
of our systems.
32
00:01:53,046 --> 00:01:55,082
Got it. I'm in.
33
00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:58,085
Oh. Well... wonderful.
34
00:01:58,118 --> 00:02:00,621
Ground rules. Safety is
mandatory. Otherwise, no limits.
35
00:02:00,654 --> 00:02:02,790
Location: anywhere but here and
the Cheesecake Factory bathroom.
36
00:02:02,823 --> 00:02:05,926
That's ours.
2:01 next Sunday, it ends.
37
00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:08,095
Have you done this before?
38
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,830
Good?
39
00:02:09,863 --> 00:02:10,931
Fuck Week?
40
00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:13,066
Fuck Week.
41
00:02:18,038 --> 00:02:21,209
* I'm gonna leave you anyway *
42
00:02:21,242 --> 00:02:24,144
* I'm gonna leave you
anyway *
43
00:02:24,178 --> 00:02:26,514
* Gonna leave you anyway. *
44
00:02:48,869 --> 00:02:51,905
* I want to lay you down *
45
00:02:51,939 --> 00:02:54,174
* So I can hit your split *
46
00:02:56,410 --> 00:02:58,379
* You know you want to ride it *
47
00:02:58,412 --> 00:03:00,414
* Come on and ride it *
48
00:03:00,448 --> 00:03:02,683
* You want to ride it *
49
00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:04,418
* Come on and ride it *
50
00:03:04,452 --> 00:03:06,387
* Lay you down. *
51
00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:09,523
Oh! Gretch! I have a sitch
with Sam and the guys.
52
00:03:09,557 --> 00:03:11,191
Just leak Sam's tuck shots.
53
00:03:11,225 --> 00:03:12,693
That should buy you
a couple weeks.
54
00:03:12,726 --> 00:03:14,362
They want me to publicize
their new track,
55
00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:16,364
but it's really bad.
56
00:03:16,397 --> 00:03:18,999
Like, Vietnam bad.
Wait. Was Vietnam bad?
57
00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:22,035
Listen, I just really don't
have time to hold your hand
58
00:03:22,069 --> 00:03:24,272
through this one.
Jimmy proposed
59
00:03:24,305 --> 00:03:26,740
that we have sex
with other people for the week!
60
00:03:26,774 --> 00:03:29,042
-Oh!
-Oh, my God, Gretch.
61
00:03:29,076 --> 00:03:31,745
Let's go day-dicking
like we used to.
62
00:03:31,779 --> 00:03:33,747
We'll go to Barney's Beanery,
63
00:03:33,781 --> 00:03:35,749
the Museum of Tolerance,
Trader Joe's on La Brea...
64
00:03:35,783 --> 00:03:37,851
That's the one
with all the hip fuck-dads.
65
00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:39,753
And Runyon Canyon for fit dick.
66
00:03:39,787 --> 00:03:41,889
Mrs. Cutler? Nock Nock is here.
67
00:03:43,824 --> 00:03:45,726
Send him in.
68
00:03:45,759 --> 00:03:48,896
And, by the way,
Mrs. Cutler is my bitch mom.
69
00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:54,602
I have a quick signing meeting.
70
00:03:54,635 --> 00:03:56,904
Let me make this kid's day.
71
00:03:56,937 --> 00:04:00,441
Then you and I can head down
to dick island!
72
00:04:00,474 --> 00:04:03,277
2:00 p.m., Runyon Canyon,
by the dog water fountain.
73
00:04:03,311 --> 00:04:07,147
And remember, Gretch, guys with
golden retrievers eat pussy.
74
00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:13,987
Nock Nock, hi.
75
00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:16,457
I'm Gretchen.
So nice to meet you.
76
00:04:16,490 --> 00:04:19,560
Have a seat.
77
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:21,595
I'll just jump right in.
78
00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:24,832
Here at Caliber,
we do PR and brand management
79
00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:26,934
for some of the biggest artists
worldwide.
80
00:04:26,967 --> 00:04:29,002
And we want to work with you.
81
00:04:29,036 --> 00:04:31,004
-Congratulations.
-Okay.
82
00:04:31,038 --> 00:04:33,273
Everyone will know your name.
83
00:04:33,307 --> 00:04:35,643
How did you get your name,
by the way?
84
00:04:35,676 --> 00:04:37,110
Been hearing it my whole life.
85
00:04:37,144 --> 00:04:39,513
-Nah.
86
00:04:39,547 --> 00:04:41,515
We didn't have a doorbell.
87
00:04:41,549 --> 00:04:44,485
Or a door.
88
00:04:44,518 --> 00:04:48,456
Okay. Uh, should we
make this "offish"?
89
00:04:48,489 --> 00:04:51,492
Cool. I'll take a look at that
when I hear your full pitch.
90
00:04:51,525 --> 00:04:53,627
Strategy,
91
00:04:53,661 --> 00:04:55,095
targets, concept art.
92
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:56,430
Of course.
93
00:04:56,464 --> 00:04:58,966
Sure. My full pitch.
94
00:04:58,999 --> 00:05:01,502
Great. We'll set something up.
95
00:05:02,870 --> 00:05:04,672
Fu...
96
00:05:08,842 --> 00:05:11,345
* Drug song *
97
00:05:11,379 --> 00:05:13,881
* It's my drug song *
98
00:05:13,914 --> 00:05:16,116
-* Drug song... *
-JIMMY: Well, this is
99
00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:18,819
an incongruous costume for you--
"Person Who Cares About Work."
100
00:05:20,554 --> 00:05:22,690
This signing should
be a layup, but no.
101
00:05:22,723 --> 00:05:24,725
The hillbilly marathoned
Shark Tank,
102
00:05:24,758 --> 00:05:26,827
and now he knows
what a pitch is.
103
00:05:26,860 --> 00:05:28,696
And now that Yvette
made me care about my job,
104
00:05:28,729 --> 00:05:30,731
-I have to land him,
and I hate it.
105
00:05:30,764 --> 00:05:33,166
Oh. Booty text?
106
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,736
Sam. He's pissed he hasn't heard
107
00:05:35,769 --> 00:05:37,371
their song on the radio yet.
108
00:05:37,405 --> 00:05:39,373
Huh.
109
00:05:39,407 --> 00:05:42,476
Oh. Sorry.
110
00:05:42,510 --> 00:05:44,478
-This is awkward.
-No!
111
00:05:44,512 --> 00:05:46,880
It's Fuck Week.
112
00:05:46,914 --> 00:05:49,983
As soon as I get this goddamn
pitch done, I'm gonna be
113
00:05:50,017 --> 00:05:53,186
balls deep in balls.
114
00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:55,423
Thanks, Edgar.
115
00:05:58,225 --> 00:05:59,326
GRETCHEN:
Then,
116
00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:01,662
the day your new video drops,
117
00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:05,433
only your face-- not your name--
is on billboards.
118
00:06:05,466 --> 00:06:07,200
People will look up and ask...
119
00:06:07,234 --> 00:06:09,002
"Who's there?"
120
00:06:09,036 --> 00:06:11,539
Answer: Nock Nock.
121
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:16,343
Good job. I can see
you worked real hard.
122
00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:18,446
Great. Then let's sign
that contract.
123
00:06:18,479 --> 00:06:19,847
Listen, Gretchen,
there's something
124
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,348
you got to know about me.
125
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:24,284
I made everything out of dirt.
Whole scratch.
126
00:06:24,317 --> 00:06:26,186
I'm out here alone
since I was 15.
127
00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:28,556
Mushing. Rectify.
128
00:06:28,589 --> 00:06:32,059
"Knock Knock." "Come in."
You know?
129
00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:35,162
Plus, I got Charles.
130
00:06:41,168 --> 00:06:44,204
I got to take Charles
to volleyball.
131
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:46,607
I believe in you, Gretchen.
132
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:48,842
Full heart.
133
00:06:52,613 --> 00:06:54,482
What the hell, Gretch?!
134
00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:56,149
I actually had to hike yesterday
135
00:06:56,183 --> 00:06:58,385
because I thought
I went to the wrong side.
136
00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:00,921
-Of course I got laid.
137
00:07:00,954 --> 00:07:03,156
-No.
138
00:07:03,190 --> 00:07:05,092
A Rottweiler.
139
00:07:05,125 --> 00:07:07,427
Jesus, are you okay?
140
00:07:07,461 --> 00:07:09,563
-Sam's on the phone for you.
-She's not here!
141
00:07:11,164 --> 00:07:12,800
I killed Sam's garbage track.
142
00:07:12,833 --> 00:07:14,468
Wait a sec.
143
00:07:14,502 --> 00:07:16,970
You killed it as in
you called every radio station
144
00:07:17,004 --> 00:07:19,807
and media outlet and convinced
them not to play the track
145
00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:21,408
even though
they'd already received it?
146
00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:23,811
And I still found time
to get all in it.
147
00:07:23,844 --> 00:07:25,278
Ugh. You know what?
You're right.
148
00:07:25,312 --> 00:07:27,681
You and Jimmy
are both pulling tail.
149
00:07:27,715 --> 00:07:30,417
-Screw this.
-There's my girl.
150
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:33,286
Tomorrow night, Soho House.
151
00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:35,789
Gretchen goes to slam town.
152
00:07:38,859 --> 00:07:40,661
Come here, say hi. I'm dying.
153
00:07:40,694 --> 00:07:43,697
Oh, uh... Oh,
I should really take a shower.
154
00:07:43,731 --> 00:07:46,767
Jesus, did you bone a catfish?
155
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:49,637
Oh.
Fuck Week.
156
00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:51,805
Fuck Week!
-So you're ready
157
00:07:51,839 --> 00:07:54,608
As soon
158
00:07:54,642 --> 00:07:56,376
as I finish
this target monetization strat
159
00:07:56,409 --> 00:07:58,011
for Nock Nock.
160
00:07:58,045 --> 00:08:00,280
If I can increase
his engagement levels,
161
00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:02,716
land him a few
key endorsements...
162
00:08:02,750 --> 00:08:05,886
Ooh! Maybe I can get him
a Waze channel?
163
00:08:12,359 --> 00:08:13,493
NOCK NOCK:
I'm not in it
164
00:08:13,527 --> 00:08:15,495
for the money,
never have been.
165
00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:20,067
-Ooh!
-Guys!
166
00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:21,735
Guys, I am in a meeting.
167
00:08:21,769 --> 00:08:23,871
Lindsay tanked our release.
Now no one's
168
00:08:23,904 --> 00:08:26,039
gonna hear
our fire-ass track of fire!
169
00:08:26,073 --> 00:08:28,241
I keep telling them
the track isn't ready.
170
00:08:28,275 --> 00:08:30,010
That's not your job,
Messy bitch!
171
00:08:30,043 --> 00:08:32,145
-Guys, that is exactly her job!
-But who the hell is she to
172
00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:34,014
-I am your publicist!
That's who I am!
173
00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:35,983
She's just some titty girl
who used to hang out with you.
174
00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:38,218
-I'm not some titty girl.
That's insulting.
-And now,
175
00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:40,387
-we're supposed to listen
to her
-I have a job, and
176
00:08:40,420 --> 00:08:42,355
-it's whatever Gretchen just
said it was. Yes you are!
177
00:08:42,389 --> 00:08:44,424
May I hear the track?
178
00:08:46,226 --> 00:08:48,495
* Stand around
while you watch *
179
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,263
-* How the cookie crumbles,
people now *
-* Cookie! *
180
00:08:50,297 --> 00:08:52,265
* All your tracks,
mostly made of mumbles *
181
00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:54,201
* Free-associatin' shit
like a poet *
182
00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:56,369
-* Poetry! *
-* Lookin' fly in my whip... *
183
00:08:56,403 --> 00:08:59,740
-Forget we added
that cookie line.
184
00:08:59,773 --> 00:09:02,175
That is so bad. What were
you guys even going for?
185
00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:04,778
We've been getting a lot
of moms at our shows,
186
00:09:04,812 --> 00:09:07,280
and... they're not even
coming to the after-party.
187
00:09:07,314 --> 00:09:09,016
We're losing
relevance, bitch!
188
00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:11,852
Like Alanis Morissette
after Jagged Little Pill.
189
00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:14,454
You got a wild track
in there,
190
00:09:14,487 --> 00:09:16,724
but there's all this shit
covering it.
191
00:09:16,757 --> 00:09:19,092
You got Corn Flakes
and Lucky Charms
192
00:09:19,126 --> 00:09:21,561
and Cocoa Puffs.
193
00:09:21,595 --> 00:09:24,097
But I just want
a taste the milk.
194
00:09:24,131 --> 00:09:26,934
!
-Guys...
195
00:09:26,967 --> 00:09:31,271
I told Lindsay to hold off
on releasing the song,
196
00:09:31,304 --> 00:09:35,709
because I wanted to link
you guys up with Nock Nock.
197
00:09:35,743 --> 00:09:37,477
He's untested
but very promising.
198
00:09:37,510 --> 00:09:39,579
I think a collab with him
199
00:09:39,613 --> 00:09:42,449
could help you get your track
where you want it.
200
00:09:42,482 --> 00:09:45,552
I don't know this corny,
cereal-ass bitch!
201
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,621
-Ah, yeah.
-He gets half a million
202
00:09:47,655 --> 00:09:49,156
monthly listens on SoundCloud.
203
00:09:49,189 --> 00:09:50,958
Nice to meet you.
Nock Nock, is it?
204
00:09:50,991 --> 00:09:52,826
It'd be an honor
to help you guys out.
205
00:09:52,860 --> 00:09:55,262
Big Titty Dreams got me
through my parents' divorce.
206
00:09:55,295 --> 00:09:57,330
-Oh.
This is a perfect example
207
00:09:57,364 --> 00:10:01,568
of the extra cross-pollination
that Caliber can offer.
208
00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:03,336
I'm in.
209
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:07,841
-We're not good, Gretch.
210
00:10:07,875 --> 00:10:09,442
You ditched me at Soho House,
211
00:10:09,476 --> 00:10:12,646
and I ended up pegging
an agent from APA.
212
00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:14,915
:
APA, Gretch.
213
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:17,651
Oh, shit.
You're on a Fuck Week?
214
00:10:17,685 --> 00:10:19,987
That's why you've been
ignoring my texts?
215
00:10:20,020 --> 00:10:22,589
Yes. Duh.
216
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,357
Next time just say so.
217
00:10:24,391 --> 00:10:27,460
*
218
00:10:29,196 --> 00:10:31,364
Thanks, fam.
219
00:10:31,398 --> 00:10:32,532
Okay.
220
00:10:36,870 --> 00:10:39,506
I did it! I got him!
Can you imagine how exciting
221
00:10:39,539 --> 00:10:41,608
this would be
if he were actually good?
222
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:43,110
We doing this?
223
00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:46,046
:
Hell yeah.
224
00:10:55,723 --> 00:10:58,458
Oh, these guys are so hot!
225
00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:02,029
I can't wait to put my stuff
in their stuff!
226
00:11:02,062 --> 00:11:03,663
Struggling actors are the best.
227
00:11:03,697 --> 00:11:05,332
They have so much to prove.
228
00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:07,667
Oh, where are those dummies
with our drinks?
229
00:11:07,701 --> 00:11:10,003
They better hurry,
'cause I'm so ready to get down
230
00:11:10,037 --> 00:11:11,671
with their dicks.
231
00:11:11,705 --> 00:11:13,173
You okay?
232
00:11:13,206 --> 00:11:16,676
You're shaking, and your
eyeballs are real shiny.
233
00:11:16,710 --> 00:11:19,646
: It's because
I'm so happy we're doing this.
234
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:22,482
-Definitely! I am so pumped
235
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:25,685
to bone down with some strange.
236
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,756
But you don't have to.
237
00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:30,690
You've had a busy week.
238
00:11:30,724 --> 00:11:33,693
My hood is extremely chapped.
But I'm still down if you are.
239
00:11:33,727 --> 00:11:36,163
Unless... you want to go.
240
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:37,865
:
I mean...
241
00:11:37,898 --> 00:11:39,599
in a way...
242
00:11:39,632 --> 00:11:42,102
that might be
the crazier thing to do.
243
00:11:42,135 --> 00:11:43,771
No one would see it coming.
244
00:11:46,439 --> 00:11:48,341
BOTH:
I don't wanna do this, either!
245
00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:51,078
Oh, I'm calling it.
Fuck Week's done.
246
00:11:51,111 --> 00:11:52,712
Oh, thank God.
247
00:11:52,746 --> 00:11:56,616
For real, I just want to find
my forever dick, Gretch.
248
00:11:56,649 --> 00:11:58,518
I have this gross feeling.
249
00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:02,289
Maybe I'm actually
fulfilled by my job.
250
00:12:02,322 --> 00:12:05,558
Like, maybe it's not just
someplace for me to go
251
00:12:05,592 --> 00:12:07,694
to nap under my desk anymore.
252
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:10,530
And instead of celebrating
this win with a bunch of dick,
253
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:13,767
all I want to do
is go home and tell Jimmy.
254
00:12:13,801 --> 00:12:15,769
Oh, can I crash
at your place tonight?
255
00:12:15,803 --> 00:12:17,871
I'm sick of hearing
Becca and Vernon whisper-fight
256
00:12:17,905 --> 00:12:20,974
over whose turn it is
to rinse out Tallulah's eye.
257
00:12:23,143 --> 00:12:25,846
-Mm.
258
00:12:32,152 --> 00:12:34,421
Ah...
259
00:12:38,992 --> 00:12:40,393
Oh, shit.
260
00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:41,962
Ew.
261
00:12:41,995 --> 00:12:44,764
Look at Jimmy's Instagram.
What a pale booty.
262
00:12:44,798 --> 00:12:46,834
Geez, have
some standards, Jimmy.
263
00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:48,836
Good night, Lindser.
264
00:12:51,171 --> 00:12:52,806
GRETCHEN:
Hey, Jimmy,
265
00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:55,275
I forgive you for hooking up
with such a flat butt.
266
00:12:55,308 --> 00:12:57,744
Make room.
I'm coming to spoon you.
267
00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:59,346
Jimmy?
268
00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:00,647
Jim...
269
00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:02,682
*
270
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:40,520
WOMAN:
You're Jimmy Shive-Overly!
271
00:13:40,553 --> 00:13:42,289
I love you!
272
00:13:42,322 --> 00:13:43,891
Sorry.
273
00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:45,658
Are you alone?
274
00:13:45,692 --> 00:13:47,861
-Sorry, I'm on a deadline.
275
00:13:55,102 --> 00:13:57,337
*
276
00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:08,982
* Cookin' it, cookin' it,
cookin' it, cookin' it *
277
00:14:09,016 --> 00:14:10,317
* Cookin' it to the spoon *
278
00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:11,885
* Catch me, mama *
279
00:14:11,919 --> 00:14:13,853
* In your trap house
eating macaroons... *
280
00:14:13,887 --> 00:14:16,256
There you are. Food's here.
281
00:14:16,289 --> 00:14:17,824
Mnm, yum!
282
00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:19,459
* Druggy drug drug song... *
283
00:14:20,460 --> 00:14:23,496
Last night was mindboggling.
284
00:14:23,530 --> 00:14:25,498
Am I still a little tender?
285
00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:27,000
Yes.
286
00:14:27,034 --> 00:14:29,202
Well, I didn't know
it could bend that way.
287
00:14:29,236 --> 00:14:31,838
You should be
in Cirque du Soleil.
288
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:33,473
What, tonight?
289
00:14:36,576 --> 00:14:38,078
I can't believe
you're cheating on Gretchen,
290
00:14:38,111 --> 00:14:39,612
after everything you've
291
00:14:39,646 --> 00:14:41,214
-been through.
-I'm not cheating.
292
00:14:41,248 --> 00:14:44,051
It's Fuck Week.
It's a week during which
293
00:14:44,084 --> 00:14:45,218
-both parties...
-It's in the name.
294
00:14:45,252 --> 00:14:46,586
But, twist:
295
00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:48,922
I am not doing any cocksmanning.
296
00:14:48,956 --> 00:14:51,224
Ho!
297
00:14:51,258 --> 00:14:53,760
I'm abstaining, because
I've already participated
298
00:14:53,793 --> 00:14:55,228
in Fuck Week.
299
00:14:55,262 --> 00:14:57,530
I just did it
before the official kickoff.
300
00:14:57,564 --> 00:14:59,967
-Well, having received...
301
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:03,270
underwhelming fellatio
from a florist,
302
00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:05,973
I've contrived
this brief fermata
303
00:15:06,006 --> 00:15:07,941
in our carnal fealty
304
00:15:07,975 --> 00:15:10,610
to allow Gretchen to get even
305
00:15:10,643 --> 00:15:12,479
-Hmm.
-without her ever knowing
306
00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:15,315
that there was a connubial
imbalance in the first place.
307
00:15:15,348 --> 00:15:17,050
So you did...
308
00:15:17,084 --> 00:15:18,918
cheat on Gretchen,
309
00:15:18,952 --> 00:15:22,155
and only suggested
Fuck Week as a scam
310
00:15:22,189 --> 00:15:25,292
to get rid of your guilt without
ever owning up to what you did.
311
00:15:25,325 --> 00:15:27,627
-To the simpleton.
-Oh, so, what,
312
00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:29,762
Gretchen sleeps
with a bunch of guys--
313
00:15:31,999 --> 00:15:34,901
-I am post-jealousy.
-Uh-huh.
314
00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:38,471
But, as it turns out,
Gretchen is too busy with work,
315
00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:40,807
as ludicrous
as that sentence sounds,
316
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:43,943
thus downgrading my plan
to "flawed."
317
00:15:43,977 --> 00:15:45,912
Just be honest with her.
318
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:47,647
Be Jimmy.
319
00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:50,117
Hmm. "Being Jimmy"
320
00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:53,653
means that, upon hearing advice
from Dim Roommate Edgar,
321
00:15:53,686 --> 00:15:57,324
I should immediately reject
said advice and do the opposite.
322
00:15:57,357 --> 00:16:00,860
It's settled, then.
I shall double down
323
00:16:00,893 --> 00:16:02,962
and lean into the illusion
to motivate her.
324
00:16:02,996 --> 00:16:05,032
Good backwards advice, Edgar.
325
00:16:05,065 --> 00:16:07,367
You've accidentally
done it again.
326
00:16:09,402 --> 00:16:10,370
JIMMY:
All right,
327
00:16:10,403 --> 00:16:11,438
start slow.
328
00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:12,872
Ease into it.
329
00:16:12,905 --> 00:16:16,176
The right amount of suction
is imperative.
330
00:16:16,209 --> 00:16:19,112
Firm, but with an intermediate
amount of pressure.
331
00:16:19,146 --> 00:16:21,214
Bit of moisture
should help it along,
332
00:16:21,248 --> 00:16:23,050
and remember: no teeth.
333
00:16:23,083 --> 00:16:26,086
I've done this before, honey.
334
00:16:27,387 --> 00:16:29,322
So, where do you want me?
335
00:16:29,356 --> 00:16:31,691
Right...
336
00:16:31,724 --> 00:16:33,260
here.
337
00:16:52,912 --> 00:16:54,981
Come here, say hi.
I'm dying.
338
00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:58,051
Oh, uh, well,
I should really take a shower.
339
00:17:04,957 --> 00:17:07,094
Yo, why are you playing vids
during Fuck Week?
340
00:17:07,127 --> 00:17:08,495
How do you know about that?
341
00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:10,897
Your girl told me
how much she's fuckin'.
342
00:17:10,930 --> 00:17:12,865
She's probably pregnant by now.
343
00:17:12,899 --> 00:17:15,001
But she hasn't been
doing it at all.
344
00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:16,936
She's been working, nonstop.
345
00:17:16,969 --> 00:17:19,406
-I've observed it myself.
-Fool.
346
00:17:19,439 --> 00:17:21,574
She's putting on a show.
347
00:17:21,608 --> 00:17:23,009
Bitch is a pathological liar
348
00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:25,412
who's weeks away
from getting that ring.
349
00:17:25,445 --> 00:17:27,013
She gonna lie even more now.
350
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:29,916
Once, when she spilled chocolate
on her pants,
351
00:17:29,949 --> 00:17:32,385
she told the dry cleaners
that she'd shit herself
352
00:17:32,419 --> 00:17:34,521
because she didn't want him
to judge her.
353
00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:36,423
You played yourself, man.
354
00:17:36,456 --> 00:17:39,426
You let the Hamburglar into
McDonald's on the honor system
355
00:17:39,459 --> 00:17:41,728
and you're sitting around here
just playing video games?
356
00:17:41,761 --> 00:17:44,931
Thinking your burgers are safe?
Your burgers
357
00:17:44,964 --> 00:17:46,466
are not safe!
358
00:17:48,335 --> 00:17:50,403
You're so stupid, Jimmy.
359
00:17:50,437 --> 00:17:51,971
Oh!
360
00:17:52,004 --> 00:17:54,641
ANNOUNCER:
Game over!
361
00:18:00,180 --> 00:18:03,049
Stupid, stupid, stupid!
362
00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:04,584
Your burgers are not safe.
363
00:18:06,319 --> 00:18:07,887
I've lethally miscalculated.
364
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,422
I thought that it would
make it even,
365
00:18:09,456 --> 00:18:11,391
but it's not remotely even.
366
00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:13,793
I have to sleep with
one person, at least.
367
00:18:13,826 --> 00:18:17,464
And Gretchen
is fucking so many guys.
368
00:18:17,497 --> 00:18:20,433
So, so many.
369
00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:21,634
I thought you were
post-jealousy.
370
00:18:21,668 --> 00:18:25,405
I am now mid-post jealousy.
371
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:28,641
Oh, look! Ecstasy.
372
00:18:28,675 --> 00:18:32,279
Just the elixir I need to get
into the perfect mindset.
373
00:18:32,312 --> 00:18:33,980
Hmm, a bit crumbly.
374
00:18:34,013 --> 00:18:36,916
Better take two
to ensure efficacy.
375
00:18:36,949 --> 00:18:39,152
When was the last time
you wore that jacket?
376
00:18:39,186 --> 00:18:42,622
Hmm, can't have been
that long ago.
377
00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:45,258
Oh, look. My old Zune.
378
00:18:57,337 --> 00:18:58,505
I'm going home.
379
00:18:58,538 --> 00:19:00,407
I get screwed enough at work.
380
00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:16,155
Am I sweating?
381
00:19:18,691 --> 00:19:21,961
-MAN:
Let's go, pal! Open up!
382
00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:24,531
-WOMAN: Dude, come on!
-Night, night.
-MAN: Let's go, buddy.
383
00:19:24,564 --> 00:19:26,699
Pee and go, my man.
384
00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:40,079
Ew.
385
00:19:40,112 --> 00:19:42,582
Rough night, huh, buddy?
386
00:19:42,615 --> 00:19:43,750
Winning!
387
00:19:43,783 --> 00:19:46,253
'Twas a crazy night, indeed.
388
00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:50,323
-Of course.
389
00:19:50,357 --> 00:19:52,158
Last day of Fuck Week.
390
00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:53,860
-Oh, well.
391
00:19:53,893 --> 00:19:55,662
Go, go have fun.
392
00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:58,898
You're so cool, Jimmy.
I can't wait to marry you.
393
00:19:58,931 --> 00:20:01,601
-Now I'm going to go
get some dick.
394
00:20:01,634 --> 00:20:03,603
Climb on all the dicks.
395
00:20:05,605 --> 00:20:09,776
Thank God Gretchen's finally
getting in the goddamn game.
396
00:20:09,809 --> 00:20:12,279
What do you mean, "finally"?
397
00:20:12,312 --> 00:20:14,281
She called off
her only attempt at Fuck Week
398
00:20:14,314 --> 00:20:16,249
to come home to you,
like a lame-o.
399
00:20:16,283 --> 00:20:18,117
But you were out
squirting on dicks,
400
00:20:18,150 --> 00:20:19,786
like you should be, playa.
401
00:20:19,819 --> 00:20:22,589
Thank God you posted that gross,
402
00:20:22,622 --> 00:20:24,257
pasty-ass girl butt
on your Insta.
403
00:20:24,291 --> 00:20:26,293
It's what finally motivated her
to go dick hunting.
404
00:20:26,326 --> 00:20:28,961
That was my butt.
405
00:20:28,995 --> 00:20:31,398
!
406
00:20:31,431 --> 00:20:33,300
That flat
407
00:20:33,333 --> 00:20:36,102
I didn't fuck during Fuck Week.
408
00:20:36,135 --> 00:20:37,770
What?
409
00:20:37,804 --> 00:20:40,407
So neither of you goobers
have been banging at all?
410
00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:43,410
: Yeah, Gretchen has.
Sam told me.
411
00:20:43,443 --> 00:20:45,378
She lied to Sam to look cool.
412
00:20:45,412 --> 00:20:47,547
God. You both
413
00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:49,916
are such gigantic losers.
414
00:20:49,949 --> 00:20:52,319
And I'm the only one
who fucked during Fuck Week,
415
00:20:52,352 --> 00:20:53,920
and it wasn't even my Fuck Week.
416
00:20:53,953 --> 00:20:55,221
Well, Gretchen's about to do it.
417
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:56,956
LINDSAY:
Yeah, she is.
418
00:20:56,989 --> 00:20:58,791
Thanks to you.
419
00:21:05,798 --> 00:21:07,634
Where are you now?
420
00:21:10,537 --> 00:21:11,971
Jealousy.
421
00:21:13,540 --> 00:21:15,007
Yeah.
422
00:21:15,041 --> 00:21:16,809
* I heard *
423
00:21:16,843 --> 00:21:20,179
* You were going *
424
00:21:20,212 --> 00:21:23,316
* Down a new way *
425
00:21:26,152 --> 00:21:28,020
* You say *
426
00:21:28,054 --> 00:21:31,424
* You've been lost *
427
00:21:31,458 --> 00:21:33,793
* For awhile now *
428
00:21:35,061 --> 00:21:37,930
* But you're not sure why *
429
00:21:37,964 --> 00:21:39,532
* And this... *
430
00:21:44,136 --> 00:21:47,974
* It sparkled in our eyes... *
431
00:21:48,007 --> 00:21:50,109
Wha...?
432
00:21:50,142 --> 00:21:51,844
Oh, you're home.
433
00:21:51,878 --> 00:21:55,214
Jimmy, thank you so much
for suggesting Fuck Week.
434
00:21:55,247 --> 00:21:56,816
Oh, no problem.
435
00:21:56,849 --> 00:21:58,885
No, really.
436
00:21:58,918 --> 00:22:02,489
To be perfectly honest,
it sounded fun,
437
00:22:02,522 --> 00:22:05,057
but I just wasn't feeling it
at first, which worried me.
438
00:22:05,091 --> 00:22:08,160
So tonight I had meaningless sex
with a rando.
439
00:22:08,194 --> 00:22:10,697
Oh. That's great, great to hear.
440
00:22:10,730 --> 00:22:12,665
And, well, Jimmy,
it made me realize
441
00:22:12,699 --> 00:22:14,401
I don't want to do that anymore.
442
00:22:14,434 --> 00:22:16,803
I'm happy being with just you.
443
00:22:16,836 --> 00:22:19,238
And I'm not even lying
to myself, which,
444
00:22:19,271 --> 00:22:21,641
if I'm not lying to someone else
is usually the case.
445
00:22:21,674 --> 00:22:23,676
But it's true.
446
00:22:23,710 --> 00:22:27,013
I just want you.
447
00:22:27,046 --> 00:22:30,049
Did it work for you? You get it
out of your system, too?
448
00:22:30,082 --> 00:22:32,519
I actually realized that I
didn't need it before you did,
449
00:22:32,552 --> 00:22:34,987
so... I didn't partake.
450
00:22:35,021 --> 00:22:37,490
Yes, you did.
451
00:22:37,524 --> 00:22:41,327
The lipstick, the hickey,
the Insta
452
00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:44,664
Yeah, well, I didn't want
to take Fuck Week away from you,
453
00:22:44,697 --> 00:22:48,468
so I just faked it
for your benefit.
454
00:22:50,302 --> 00:22:53,039
No! No!
455
00:22:53,072 --> 00:22:54,841
Jimmy! But I did,
456
00:22:54,874 --> 00:22:57,944
which means now we're going
into our marriage unequal.
457
00:22:57,977 --> 00:23:01,013
No, no, no, no, no. No, no,
it's... it's okay, it's okay.
458
00:23:01,047 --> 00:23:04,417
I-I got my dick sucked,
so, it's even.
459
00:23:04,451 --> 00:23:06,586
Oh, I thought you didn't
hook up this week.
460
00:23:08,721 --> 00:23:10,690
No, right. No.
461
00:23:10,723 --> 00:23:12,859
Didn't-didn't...
didn't I say I...
462
00:23:12,892 --> 00:23:16,696
I actually had
a small encounter, like,
463
00:23:16,729 --> 00:23:20,366
within the margin of error
of said week.
464
00:23:20,399 --> 00:23:22,134
Margin of error?
What does that mean?
465
00:23:22,168 --> 00:23:24,437
Oh, it's f... it's funny.
Do you remember
466
00:23:24,471 --> 00:23:28,240
when I picked out centerpieces
alone l
467
00:23:28,274 --> 00:23:29,976
Because I was working.
468
00:23:30,009 --> 00:23:33,913
Yeah. Yeah, well,
while y-you were doing that...
469
00:23:33,946 --> 00:23:37,083
the florist, you know,
470
00:23:37,116 --> 00:23:40,286
she kind of, um...
she sucked my dick.
471
00:23:40,319 --> 00:23:44,090
You... you remember,
because y-you said
472
00:23:44,123 --> 00:23:46,392
that I wasn't...
I wasn't a bad boy.
473
00:23:46,425 --> 00:23:49,228
Remember? So, yeah,
yeah, technically,
474
00:23:49,261 --> 00:23:52,264
it happened before
the commencement.
475
00:23:52,298 --> 00:23:54,967
But that is splitting hairs,
476
00:23:55,001 --> 00:23:57,236
really, because
477
00:23:57,269 --> 00:23:59,438
we both came
to the same conclusion.
478
00:23:59,472 --> 00:24:01,474
That we don't want that anymore.
479
00:24:01,508 --> 00:24:04,210
So, yay, us.
480
00:24:05,545 --> 00:24:07,847
:
So, wait...
481
00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:10,349
you did all of this--
482
00:24:10,382 --> 00:24:12,819
suggested Fuck Week,
went to elaborate lengths
483
00:24:12,852 --> 00:24:14,987
to make it seem like
you were fucking--
484
00:24:15,021 --> 00:24:17,256
so I'd fuck someone,
even though I didn't want to,
485
00:24:17,289 --> 00:24:19,325
just so you could
feel better about yourself?
486
00:24:19,358 --> 00:24:21,193
Well, um, uh, I mean,
when you put it that way,
487
00:24:21,227 --> 00:24:23,195
it does sound a bit foolish.
488
00:24:23,229 --> 00:24:26,533
No. I'm impressed.
489
00:24:26,566 --> 00:24:28,200
You are?
490
00:24:28,234 --> 00:24:31,170
Makes me feel better to know
you're as big of a dishonest,
491
00:24:31,203 --> 00:24:33,540
disgusting fucking liar as I am.
492
00:24:36,909 --> 00:24:39,478
Good night, Jimmy.
493
00:24:42,982 --> 00:24:45,317
* Yeah, we out here winning,
winning *
494
00:24:45,351 --> 00:24:46,886
* Been the same
since beginning *
495
00:24:46,919 --> 00:24:48,387
* Yeah, we out here *
496
00:24:48,420 --> 00:24:51,390
* Winning, winning,
winning, winning *
497
00:24:51,423 --> 00:24:52,992
* Been the same
since beginning *
498
00:24:53,025 --> 00:24:54,794
* I didn't come
to make friends *
499
00:24:54,827 --> 00:24:56,495
* Got enough of those already *
500
00:24:56,529 --> 00:24:58,998
* Yeah, remind me
what we came here to do *
501
00:24:59,031 --> 00:25:00,567
* Get it on our own *
502
00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:02,168
* Telling you we can't lose *
503
00:25:02,201 --> 00:25:05,304
* Winning, winning,
winning, winning *
504
00:25:05,337 --> 00:25:06,973
* Been the same
since beginning *
505
00:25:07,006 --> 00:25:08,541
* Yeah, we out here winning *
506
00:25:08,575 --> 00:25:10,843
* Winning, winning, winning *
507
00:25:10,877 --> 00:25:12,779
* Been the same
since beginning. *
508
00:25:20,953 --> 00:25:22,922
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
509
00:25:26,225 --> 00:25:29,361
Yeah, I feel nothing. Nice.
510
00:25:29,461 --> 00:25:32,799
-We're not having a wedding.
-We're eloping, suckas!
511
00:25:32,899 --> 00:25:36,068
You've become this stable dude
all of a sudden.
512
00:25:38,705 --> 00:25:41,440
It's like Inception for pooping.
513
00:25:43,009 --> 00:25:44,577
JIMMY:
We have the best love story.
514
00:25:44,677 --> 00:25:46,378
-Because ours is ugly.
515
00:25:46,478 --> 00:25:48,080
-And uncomfortable.
516
00:25:49,415 --> 00:25:51,217
-ANNOUNCER: You're the Worst.
517
00:25:51,317 --> 00:25:54,754
The final season. All new.
Wednesdays at 10:00 only on FXX.
518
00:26:05,564 --> 00:26:07,133
-ANNOUNCER: Better Things.
519
00:26:07,233 --> 00:26:10,803
All new, Thursdays at 10:00.
Starts February 28 on FX.
520
00:26:34,093 --> 00:26:35,194
-Oh!
-Aaah!
521
00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:42,034
FX!
522
00:26:44,103 --> 00:26:46,338
MAN: Five, six, seven, eight.
523
00:27:08,060 --> 00:27:11,630
-Again.
36952
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