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*
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"As Malcolm bent
the 17-year-old Sally
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00:00:27,778 --> 00:00:30,981
over the lip of his tanker desk,
he thought back to her baptism."
4
00:00:31,014 --> 00:00:32,049
What the shit?!
5
00:00:32,083 --> 00:00:33,717
"That summer day in '73,
every car radio
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00:00:33,750 --> 00:00:35,586
"blaring
'Search and Destroy,'
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00:00:35,619 --> 00:00:37,421
"a warm rain lashing down
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00:00:37,454 --> 00:00:40,657
like sweat flinging off
a groupie's bouncing tits."
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00:00:40,691 --> 00:00:44,061
It's like being molested by
an audio book. What is this?
10
00:00:44,095 --> 00:00:45,996
"The Width of a Peach."
My masterpiece
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00:00:46,029 --> 00:00:48,332
of multi-generational
sexploitative literature.
12
00:00:48,365 --> 00:00:49,566
Why the hell
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00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:51,335
would you read me literature?
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00:00:51,368 --> 00:00:53,270
You know I don't like
good things.
15
00:00:53,304 --> 00:00:56,073
Last night, you said that
I would never be successful.
16
00:00:56,107 --> 00:00:58,041
Well, I stayed up
all night
17
00:00:58,075 --> 00:01:02,246
and wrote 35 amazing pages
just to spite you.
18
00:01:02,279 --> 00:01:05,616
So, ha! Consider yourself
thoroughly spited.
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00:01:05,649 --> 00:01:06,717
Ha!
20
00:01:06,750 --> 00:01:08,051
Cool.
21
00:01:08,085 --> 00:01:10,554
Okay, I take back
the thing I said.
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00:01:10,587 --> 00:01:12,256
You will be successful.
23
00:01:12,289 --> 00:01:13,624
Thank you!
24
00:01:13,657 --> 00:01:16,127
(laptop clatters)
25
00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:17,761
Now it's your turn.
26
00:01:17,794 --> 00:01:19,963
I'm proud of me, too.
27
00:01:19,996 --> 00:01:22,133
No, Jimmy! It's your
turn to take back
28
00:01:22,166 --> 00:01:23,734
the mega-harsh thing
you said to me.
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00:01:23,767 --> 00:01:25,969
And then, voilà, everything
goes back to Normal Town,
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00:01:26,002 --> 00:01:28,439
et cetera, et cetera--
a little makeup boneage.
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00:01:28,472 --> 00:01:30,441
Maybe some titty massages
for Jimmy.
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00:01:31,808 --> 00:01:33,744
Wait, what exactly
am I meant to take back?
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(imitates Jimmy): "I can't see
myself having kids with her."
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00:01:35,912 --> 00:01:36,980
Oh, that.
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00:01:37,013 --> 00:01:39,049
No, I'm 100% sticking by that.
36
00:01:39,082 --> 00:01:41,218
Hey, can we do this
titty massage on the patio?
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00:01:41,252 --> 00:01:43,320
I just want to keep an eye
on the hummingbird feeder.
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00:01:43,354 --> 00:01:44,988
Jimmy!
You have dropped
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00:01:45,021 --> 00:01:47,758
eight iPhones in the last year,
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00:01:47,791 --> 00:01:50,327
one into a vat of ranch
at Souplantation.
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00:01:50,361 --> 00:01:51,662
Child-rearing
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00:01:51,695 --> 00:01:53,096
requires skill.
43
00:01:53,130 --> 00:01:54,831
It's not the same
as binge-watching
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00:01:54,865 --> 00:01:56,433
a season of Exemplify.
45
00:01:56,467 --> 00:01:57,901
Oh, my God!
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00:01:57,934 --> 00:02:01,238
That is so sexist
and mansplainy.
47
00:02:01,272 --> 00:02:03,474
You a Gamergater?
Am I living with a Gamergater?
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00:02:03,507 --> 00:02:06,277
LINDSAY:
Quiet, already!
49
00:02:06,310 --> 00:02:07,611
Why is Lindsay here?
50
00:02:07,644 --> 00:02:09,780
She dumped Paul hard.
I said she could crash.
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00:02:09,813 --> 00:02:11,515
Mmm...
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00:02:11,548 --> 00:02:14,251
Oh, my...
(Jimmy sighs)
53
00:02:14,285 --> 00:02:16,787
(sighs):
Ah...
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00:02:17,854 --> 00:02:19,356
What?
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00:02:19,390 --> 00:02:21,358
I'm supposed to wear pajamas
like an old?
56
00:02:22,993 --> 00:02:24,961
Mmm...
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00:02:24,995 --> 00:02:27,831
*
58
00:02:29,900 --> 00:02:32,703
* I'm gonna leave you anyway
59
00:02:32,736 --> 00:02:35,472
* I'm gonna leave you
anyway *
60
00:02:35,506 --> 00:02:38,809
* Gonna leave you anyway.
61
00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:45,616
Wakey-wakey.
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00:02:45,649 --> 00:02:47,384
I just wrapped up an
early-morning shift
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00:02:47,418 --> 00:02:49,620
cleaning a frat house
after a "Colonial Bros
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00:02:49,653 --> 00:02:51,154
and Nava-hos" party.
65
00:02:51,188 --> 00:02:52,556
Got the puke
cleaned up,
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00:02:52,589 --> 00:02:53,990
but the racism
and cultural appropriation
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00:02:54,024 --> 00:02:56,126
are gonna leave a stain.
Hey, I brought pastries.
68
00:02:56,159 --> 00:02:59,730
Okay, but do you want to talk
about last night?
69
00:02:59,763 --> 00:03:01,465
Oh, my God.
I was so drunk.
70
00:03:01,498 --> 00:03:03,700
I think I might have hit up
a Del Taco drive-through.
71
00:03:03,734 --> 00:03:06,670
I'm missing my side mirror, and
my fingers smell like hot sauce.
72
00:03:06,703 --> 00:03:08,705
Wait. You drove yourself home?
Sure.
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00:03:08,739 --> 00:03:10,173
Drunk driving is easy.
74
00:03:10,207 --> 00:03:11,242
It's just like
playing a video game.
75
00:03:11,275 --> 00:03:13,977
You totally freaked out
on me last night.
76
00:03:14,010 --> 00:03:16,079
Well, you took me to a wedding,
and then you ditched me
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00:03:16,112 --> 00:03:17,581
to work on sketch ideas.
78
00:03:17,614 --> 00:03:19,049
Who are you, Will Sasso?
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00:03:19,082 --> 00:03:20,717
This is my first writing job.
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00:03:20,751 --> 00:03:22,419
I didn't know anybody,
and you abandoned me.
81
00:03:22,453 --> 00:03:25,522
Yeah. Well, okay,
I can see how that...
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00:03:25,556 --> 00:03:30,160
oh, was really sucky of me.
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00:03:30,193 --> 00:03:32,863
It was. Thank you.
84
00:03:39,803 --> 00:03:42,239
You know,
I'm happy for you.
85
00:03:42,273 --> 00:03:44,107
I mean, shit,
I'm a liberal.
86
00:03:44,140 --> 00:03:45,609
God knows
I should applaud
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00:03:45,642 --> 00:03:48,445
when an underrepresented
voice gets heard.
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00:03:48,479 --> 00:03:50,814
You mean veterans?
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00:03:52,283 --> 00:03:54,184
Yeah. That, too.
90
00:03:54,217 --> 00:03:55,719
Hey, you want a pastry?
91
00:03:55,752 --> 00:03:58,255
I-I just want to make sure
that you aren't implying
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00:03:58,289 --> 00:04:01,091
that I was hired
just because I'm Latino.
93
00:04:01,124 --> 00:04:04,127
What? Of course not.
I don't even see race.
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00:04:09,333 --> 00:04:10,801
Hey, when did they put
this awesome eagle
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00:04:10,834 --> 00:04:12,569
on the Italian flag?
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00:04:13,570 --> 00:04:15,572
*
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00:04:20,777 --> 00:04:22,813
(knock on door)
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00:04:24,748 --> 00:04:26,750
(knock on door)
99
00:04:30,921 --> 00:04:31,922
Paul?
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00:04:33,123 --> 00:04:36,293
What you did was
unspeakable!
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00:04:36,327 --> 00:04:38,462
Unconscionable!
102
00:04:38,495 --> 00:04:41,298
Indefensible!
Indedibble-dobble!
103
00:04:41,332 --> 00:04:43,166
How could you abort that baby
without telling me?
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00:04:43,199 --> 00:04:45,802
It wasn't a baby, Paul.
It was just a bunch of cells.
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00:04:45,836 --> 00:04:47,170
You destroyed our family!
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00:04:47,203 --> 00:04:49,406
Name one family
that's just a bunch of cells.
107
00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:50,941
Osmosis Jones.
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00:04:50,974 --> 00:04:53,176
Why does everyone
keep doing that?
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00:04:53,209 --> 00:04:55,245
What made you think
you had the right
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00:04:55,278 --> 00:04:56,947
to make that decision for us?
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00:04:56,980 --> 00:04:58,482
My body, my choice.
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00:04:58,515 --> 00:05:00,984
It's not that cut-and-dried
when you're married.
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00:05:01,017 --> 00:05:02,285
My body, my choice.
114
00:05:02,319 --> 00:05:03,587
There's a difference between
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00:05:03,620 --> 00:05:05,121
claiming your
reproductive rights
116
00:05:05,155 --> 00:05:06,490
and behaving like a complete...
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00:05:06,523 --> 00:05:08,692
My body, my choice.
Stop saying that!
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00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:10,093
No, Paul. You stop.
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00:05:10,126 --> 00:05:11,161
Me and my sisters,
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00:05:11,194 --> 00:05:12,863
we fought for this right
for millenniums.
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00:05:12,896 --> 00:05:15,131
This is why Margaret Thatcher
went to prison.
122
00:05:16,032 --> 00:05:17,334
Can you please
put on some clothes
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00:05:17,368 --> 00:05:18,535
while we have
this conversation?
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00:05:18,569 --> 00:05:20,270
No, Paul. My body, my choice.
125
00:05:20,303 --> 00:05:21,805
And now,
126
00:05:21,838 --> 00:05:26,109
I choose to go outside
and smoke.
127
00:05:26,142 --> 00:05:29,880
Because it's my body.
128
00:05:33,884 --> 00:05:34,985
My choice.
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00:05:35,018 --> 00:05:36,753
That's right, sucka.
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00:05:40,391 --> 00:05:41,758
(door closes)
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*
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00:05:55,772 --> 00:05:58,642
Look, I meant it as
a good thing, okay? Yes,
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00:05:58,675 --> 00:06:00,310
sometimes minorities
get jobs over white people,
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00:06:00,343 --> 00:06:02,413
even when they're both
equally qualified,
135
00:06:02,446 --> 00:06:04,314
or maybe the minority is
slightly less qualified.
136
00:06:04,347 --> 00:06:06,182
But I think that
that is good for the world,
137
00:06:06,216 --> 00:06:09,052
and I simply got you
these cool and funky pastries
138
00:06:09,085 --> 00:06:10,654
'cause they're cool and funky,
139
00:06:10,687 --> 00:06:13,524
not because they're Latino,
or whatever.
140
00:06:13,557 --> 00:06:15,091
Here, try one.
They're "pan dulthes."
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00:06:15,125 --> 00:06:17,828
(snickers) Wait.
What are you saying?
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00:06:17,861 --> 00:06:19,396
"Pan dulthes."
143
00:06:19,430 --> 00:06:21,264
Edgar, they're "pan dulthes."
144
00:06:22,399 --> 00:06:23,767
I pronounce everything
with a Castilian "S,"
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00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:25,602
because I studied abroad
in "Barthelona."
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00:06:25,636 --> 00:06:28,539
For you to say that I have
the advantage is insulting.
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00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:33,243
I mean, if anyone has
the advantage, it's you.
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00:06:34,611 --> 00:06:36,780
How do I have the advantage?
(chuckles)
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00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:38,882
You're a white girl.
150
00:06:38,915 --> 00:06:41,217
There's literally a part
for you in every script
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00:06:41,251 --> 00:06:42,953
that's ever been written.
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00:06:42,986 --> 00:06:44,788
Not Glengarry Glen Ross
or 700 Sundays.
153
00:06:44,821 --> 00:06:47,057
Besides, don't you read?
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00:06:47,090 --> 00:06:48,559
People just, like,
they hate women now.
155
00:06:48,592 --> 00:06:50,226
You don't even have
to hide it anymore.
156
00:06:50,260 --> 00:06:51,628
Yeah, well, you never read,
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00:06:51,662 --> 00:06:53,897
"Cut to funny brown guy
with perfect features."
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00:06:54,765 --> 00:06:56,933
You have the advantage.
Yeah.
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00:06:56,967 --> 00:06:58,134
Because it's such
an advantage to be
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00:06:58,168 --> 00:06:59,470
constantly
sexually harassed.
161
00:06:59,503 --> 00:07:01,371
And it's so advantageous
to only be cast
162
00:07:01,404 --> 00:07:03,707
as "Pretty Girl Number 3"
or "Overworked Mom."
163
00:07:03,740 --> 00:07:05,576
I thought you didn't book
"Overworked Mom."
164
00:07:05,609 --> 00:07:08,278
And it's such an advantage to
be slut-shamed for six years
165
00:07:08,311 --> 00:07:10,614
because I accidentally sucked
Brian Dunkleman's dick
166
00:07:10,647 --> 00:07:12,382
'cause I thought
he was Chris Hardwick.
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00:07:12,415 --> 00:07:14,117
Look, can we at
least agree that
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00:07:14,150 --> 00:07:15,952
the true enemy here
is the white male?
169
00:07:15,986 --> 00:07:16,987
JIMMY:
Whoa!
170
00:07:17,020 --> 00:07:19,322
Not me. I'm an immigrant.
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00:07:19,355 --> 00:07:20,323
Our story
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00:07:20,356 --> 00:07:22,058
is so tragic.
173
00:07:22,092 --> 00:07:25,328
Do you know how many of us
drown every day
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00:07:25,361 --> 00:07:26,730
trying to get over here?
175
00:07:26,763 --> 00:07:30,100
And the true villain is
the white American male.
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00:07:30,133 --> 00:07:33,670
Bad things happen
to white American men, too.
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00:07:33,704 --> 00:07:35,806
Real bad things.
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00:07:35,839 --> 00:07:39,275
You know, why don't I
let you white people
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00:07:39,309 --> 00:07:42,178
tell me how bad you all have it.
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00:07:42,846 --> 00:07:44,047
Jesus!
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00:07:49,119 --> 00:07:51,021
Oh, look, wife.
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00:07:51,054 --> 00:07:53,757
I'm about to rip
my lung tissue asunder
183
00:07:53,790 --> 00:07:55,291
with the devil's tobacco
184
00:07:55,325 --> 00:07:59,530
because my life has been
destroyed by the woman I love!
185
00:07:59,563 --> 00:08:01,832
Your body, your choice.
186
00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:04,501
You know, I almost left you.
187
00:08:04,535 --> 00:08:06,369
When Vernon and I were
188
00:08:06,402 --> 00:08:07,504
lost in the woods,
189
00:08:07,538 --> 00:08:09,540
he wanted to bail
and go live in Mexico.
190
00:08:09,573 --> 00:08:11,007
I should have gone
191
00:08:11,041 --> 00:08:12,709
and started my life anew,
192
00:08:12,743 --> 00:08:15,946
like John McAfee,
software millionaire!
193
00:08:15,979 --> 00:08:17,681
Shoulda-woulda-coulda!
JIMMY: Right.
194
00:08:17,714 --> 00:08:20,483
Can you two idiots
do this at your place?
195
00:08:20,517 --> 00:08:23,186
No! If you send them home,
her wishy-washy ass
196
00:08:23,219 --> 00:08:26,022
will be lured back into that
suck-butt marriage by lunch.
197
00:08:26,056 --> 00:08:27,390
Shut up, Gretchen!
198
00:08:27,423 --> 00:08:29,626
You shut up!
Aw, shit!
199
00:08:29,660 --> 00:08:32,395
Fine. Then just go
and fight in my room.
Our room.
200
00:08:32,428 --> 00:08:34,397
But don't touch anything,
don't sit,
201
00:08:34,430 --> 00:08:36,032
and hands off
the bed booze.
202
00:08:36,066 --> 00:08:38,368
(sighs)
203
00:08:40,871 --> 00:08:43,740
*
204
00:08:53,449 --> 00:08:54,851
What?!
205
00:08:54,885 --> 00:08:57,353
Nothing. I just...
206
00:08:57,387 --> 00:09:00,056
Sometimes I look at you
and I think,
207
00:09:00,090 --> 00:09:03,026
"How did this person
get in my house?"
208
00:09:03,059 --> 00:09:04,828
It's like I've lost
the thread of a novel,
209
00:09:04,861 --> 00:09:06,496
and all of a sudden,
there's this
210
00:09:06,529 --> 00:09:08,331
messy short woman
211
00:09:08,364 --> 00:09:10,834
who's clearly important
to the story.
212
00:09:10,867 --> 00:09:13,036
So, I'm flipping back, thinking,
213
00:09:13,069 --> 00:09:16,039
"I don't remember that character
being introduced."
214
00:09:16,072 --> 00:09:18,675
Tell me about it! Some days
it's like I un-blacked out
215
00:09:18,709 --> 00:09:21,878
from a week-long bender, and
now I'm in this weird-ass house
216
00:09:21,912 --> 00:09:23,580
with sharp corners.
217
00:09:23,614 --> 00:09:26,783
My mate was supposed to be
so different.
218
00:09:26,817 --> 00:09:29,519
Classy, unbruised,
219
00:09:29,552 --> 00:09:31,054
a first-chair violinist
220
00:09:31,087 --> 00:09:32,956
for the Philharmonic. (chuckles)
221
00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:34,758
God, can you imagine it?
222
00:09:34,791 --> 00:09:36,459
Me in the wings
223
00:09:36,492 --> 00:09:37,894
of Disney Hall.
224
00:09:37,928 --> 00:09:40,463
And we wave good-bye
to the other musicians,
225
00:09:40,496 --> 00:09:42,065
and I joke about
226
00:09:42,098 --> 00:09:43,399
what a drag it must be
227
00:09:43,433 --> 00:09:46,803
for Igor to haul
that double bass home.
228
00:09:46,837 --> 00:09:48,905
And then Dudamel does
a champagne spit-take
229
00:09:48,939 --> 00:09:50,941
and shakes his head at me like,
230
00:09:50,974 --> 00:09:53,910
(Venezuelan accent):
"Oh, Jimmy, you are too much."
231
00:09:53,944 --> 00:09:55,746
(laughs)
How am I not
232
00:09:55,779 --> 00:09:59,650
arm candy for some international
movie star with a giant dong?
233
00:09:59,683 --> 00:10:01,151
Yeah.
He's part owner of
234
00:10:01,184 --> 00:10:02,753
a cool tech company
235
00:10:02,786 --> 00:10:05,488
and invents apps when he's not
dick-punching Peter Sarsgaard
236
00:10:05,521 --> 00:10:07,257
in his latest movie.
Sometimes,
237
00:10:07,290 --> 00:10:10,827
we talk about adopting a kid
from a third-world country,
238
00:10:10,861 --> 00:10:12,362
but we never do it.
239
00:10:13,263 --> 00:10:15,165
And we live in
a legit-ass castle
240
00:10:15,198 --> 00:10:18,068
in Malibu with one of those
big modern art pieces
241
00:10:18,101 --> 00:10:20,771
by the guy who does
the big dots.
242
00:10:20,804 --> 00:10:21,938
What? Lichtenstein?
243
00:10:21,972 --> 00:10:24,440
Yeah. A big old Lichtenstein.
Wow.
244
00:10:24,474 --> 00:10:27,944
How very sophomore year
art history of you. (chuckles)
245
00:10:27,978 --> 00:10:30,914
You definitely shouldn't
decorate your own house.
246
00:10:30,947 --> 00:10:32,015
(laughs, gasps)
247
00:10:41,624 --> 00:10:44,327
(knocking)
Knock, knock.
248
00:10:44,360 --> 00:10:47,330
White lady visiting from
the Aryan zone. You still mad?
249
00:10:47,363 --> 00:10:49,966
Maybe you only like me
when I'm struggling.
250
00:10:52,836 --> 00:10:55,105
You think that I want you
to struggle?
Think about it.
251
00:10:55,138 --> 00:10:58,041
When we first met,
I was your insecure student.
252
00:10:58,074 --> 00:11:00,877
Then I was your vet boyfriend
with PTSD.
253
00:11:00,911 --> 00:11:03,313
Then I was a stoner
with no future.
254
00:11:03,346 --> 00:11:06,482
But the second I get
a tiny bit of success,
255
00:11:06,516 --> 00:11:08,051
you freak out.
256
00:11:08,084 --> 00:11:12,155
You forced me to engage
in acts of sexual deviance.
257
00:11:12,188 --> 00:11:13,790
But you started this!
258
00:11:13,824 --> 00:11:16,993
You threw your bike
onto the street,
259
00:11:17,027 --> 00:11:19,562
and said we were new people,
and I put on
260
00:11:19,595 --> 00:11:21,832
that whole Napron-wearing,
good wifey act,
261
00:11:21,865 --> 00:11:24,034
even though I was dying
on the inside.
262
00:11:24,067 --> 00:11:26,803
You went along with
it for 20 minutes.
263
00:11:26,837 --> 00:11:28,204
And then you stabbed me!
264
00:11:28,238 --> 00:11:30,340
You want me to hide my bees
under a bushel.
265
00:11:30,373 --> 00:11:32,642
You use your niceness
to stifle me,
266
00:11:32,675 --> 00:11:34,644
and then you make me
feel guilty.
267
00:11:34,677 --> 00:11:35,979
You stabbed me!
268
00:11:36,012 --> 00:11:37,580
We both did things we regret.
269
00:11:37,613 --> 00:11:39,582
Relationships are messy.
270
00:11:39,615 --> 00:11:42,352
You're actually tearing apart
my hypothetical fantasy.
271
00:11:42,385 --> 00:11:43,754
Now you want to tell me
272
00:11:43,787 --> 00:11:45,889
what I can and can't imagine?
273
00:11:45,922 --> 00:11:47,924
You admitted that
you don't like good things.
274
00:11:47,958 --> 00:11:49,559
I'm just confirming that.
275
00:11:49,592 --> 00:11:51,561
You should seriously shut up
276
00:11:51,594 --> 00:11:54,030
sometimes, Jimmy.
Just shut all the way up.
277
00:11:54,064 --> 00:11:57,734
I mean, what if I did
make something of myself? Hmm?
278
00:11:57,768 --> 00:11:59,035
If I did
279
00:11:59,069 --> 00:12:02,605
rise up there
to your level, why?
280
00:12:02,638 --> 00:12:04,507
Why would that be so bad?!
281
00:12:04,540 --> 00:12:08,178
Because I am not up there!
282
00:12:08,211 --> 00:12:09,245
Okay?
283
00:12:09,279 --> 00:12:10,613
I am down!
284
00:12:10,646 --> 00:12:13,549
I am the downest
that I have ever been.
285
00:12:13,583 --> 00:12:15,085
You want messy?!
286
00:12:15,118 --> 00:12:17,553
I'll show you messy!
287
00:12:19,322 --> 00:12:20,556
(yells)
288
00:12:20,590 --> 00:12:22,125
Oh, no, Paul!
289
00:12:22,158 --> 00:12:23,593
Now you're going
to have bad luck.
290
00:12:23,626 --> 00:12:26,229
I have bad luck!
291
00:12:26,262 --> 00:12:28,198
You're my bad luck!
292
00:12:28,231 --> 00:12:30,700
God! You're so selfish.
293
00:12:30,733 --> 00:12:34,137
There is something
seriously wrong with you.
294
00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:36,639
Why did I marry you?
295
00:12:36,672 --> 00:12:37,808
Why?!
296
00:12:37,841 --> 00:12:39,542
(grunts)
297
00:12:39,575 --> 00:12:41,411
Look, if your fantasy
is so fragile...
Picking, pick, pick.
298
00:12:41,444 --> 00:12:43,246
...that I'm able
to dismantle it...
Pick at everything I say and do.
299
00:12:43,279 --> 00:12:45,281
...then maybe it wasn't
so great to begin with.
I'm sick of living
300
00:12:45,315 --> 00:12:46,950
underneath your highfalutin
surveillance state.
301
00:12:46,983 --> 00:12:48,418
Plus, "hypothetical fantasy"
is redundant.
302
00:12:48,451 --> 00:12:49,652
I just silenced
the judgy mom voice in my head.
303
00:12:49,685 --> 00:12:51,554
I don't need another one
from you.
304
00:12:51,587 --> 00:12:53,423
LINDSAY:
Stop using your big voice at me!
305
00:12:53,456 --> 00:12:55,391
DOROTHY: Don't hug me.
Just let me be sad!
306
00:12:55,425 --> 00:12:59,295
PAUL: I'll use my big voice
at you whenever I want!
307
00:12:59,329 --> 00:13:02,465
I'm only using my big voice
with you now!
308
00:13:02,498 --> 00:13:04,200
(Paul continues shouting)
309
00:13:07,103 --> 00:13:08,438
(scoffs)
310
00:13:11,674 --> 00:13:12,976
(sniffles)
311
00:13:13,009 --> 00:13:15,345
(chuckles)
312
00:13:15,378 --> 00:13:17,380
You... Come on.
313
00:13:19,682 --> 00:13:21,284
You had a rough month.
314
00:13:22,853 --> 00:13:24,254
You'll bounce back.
315
00:13:24,287 --> 00:13:26,322
I'm a 30-something
failed actress
316
00:13:26,356 --> 00:13:30,626
living in a disgusting
K-Town studio.
317
00:13:30,660 --> 00:13:33,196
I haven't been
to the dentist in years.
318
00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:35,531
My agent told me
to gain 20 pounds
319
00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:38,201
so that I could at least
audition to be the kooky aunt.
320
00:13:38,234 --> 00:13:39,669
(sobs)
321
00:13:41,371 --> 00:13:43,373
(yells) Oh, God!
322
00:13:43,406 --> 00:13:45,408
(grunting)
323
00:13:48,744 --> 00:13:51,347
Oh, God. You ruined my life!
324
00:13:51,381 --> 00:13:54,284
Why?! Why did you do it?!
325
00:13:54,317 --> 00:13:56,319
Paul.
(groaning)
326
00:13:56,352 --> 00:13:58,188
Look at me.
327
00:13:58,221 --> 00:14:01,124
(panting)
Paul.
328
00:14:01,157 --> 00:14:04,827
You knew it was a snake
when you picked it up.
329
00:14:06,062 --> 00:14:07,797
What?
330
00:14:07,830 --> 00:14:10,000
You knew who I was.
331
00:14:11,401 --> 00:14:14,237
You don't get
to act surprised now.
332
00:14:14,270 --> 00:14:16,272
*
333
00:14:22,012 --> 00:14:23,013
(phone beeps)
334
00:14:31,387 --> 00:14:34,357
Becca and Vernon had their baby.
335
00:14:34,390 --> 00:14:36,792
It's a girl.
336
00:14:39,095 --> 00:14:40,730
Tallulah.
337
00:14:41,764 --> 00:14:43,866
Ew.
(phone vibrates)
338
00:14:43,900 --> 00:14:46,836
(chuckles, sniffles)
339
00:14:46,869 --> 00:14:48,804
Becca had her baby.
340
00:14:54,210 --> 00:14:55,411
(phones chime)
341
00:14:59,382 --> 00:15:00,716
(sighs)
342
00:15:00,750 --> 00:15:03,920
Dorothy's crying.
It's very mucous-y.
343
00:15:03,954 --> 00:15:06,889
Lindsay's just reciting the
spoken word parts of "Lemonade."
344
00:15:06,923 --> 00:15:08,258
(scoffs)
345
00:15:08,291 --> 00:15:10,093
Such idiots.
346
00:15:10,126 --> 00:15:12,595
We're no better
than them.
347
00:15:12,628 --> 00:15:14,464
Oh, speak for yourself.
348
00:15:14,497 --> 00:15:16,466
I'm not the one
who flung my sandwich
349
00:15:16,499 --> 00:15:18,935
like a upset chimp at the zoo.
350
00:15:18,969 --> 00:15:20,937
I threw it because
I realized I was living
351
00:15:20,971 --> 00:15:22,472
with an uptight dildo
352
00:15:22,505 --> 00:15:24,207
whose personality
unmakes itself
353
00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:26,076
anytime something bad happens.
354
00:15:26,109 --> 00:15:30,146
Says the woman who spent weeks
catatonic on the couch
355
00:15:30,180 --> 00:15:31,982
in crusty yoga pants.
356
00:15:32,015 --> 00:15:34,750
I have a clinical
goddamn illness!
Oh, right.
357
00:15:34,784 --> 00:15:38,588
So you just win because your
condition is listed in the DSM?
358
00:15:38,621 --> 00:15:41,124
No! I win because I am
doing something about it.
359
00:15:41,157 --> 00:15:42,892
You're just lashing out
360
00:15:42,925 --> 00:15:44,294
and putting me
under a microscope!
361
00:15:44,327 --> 00:15:46,129
It just happened!
362
00:15:47,263 --> 00:15:48,965
He just died.
363
00:15:48,999 --> 00:15:50,933
Right, I am still grieving,
Gretchen.
364
00:15:50,967 --> 00:15:52,102
Jesus Christ!
365
00:15:52,135 --> 00:15:54,004
But I was there first!
Where?!
366
00:15:54,037 --> 00:15:56,006
Here! In shit, miserable!
367
00:15:56,039 --> 00:15:58,408
There just isn't room
368
00:15:58,441 --> 00:16:01,477
for you to be broken
right now, too.
369
00:16:01,511 --> 00:16:04,014
Oh, that...
370
00:16:04,047 --> 00:16:05,781
that is complete...
371
00:16:05,815 --> 00:16:06,949
(exhales)
372
00:16:09,885 --> 00:16:11,321
How is that okay?
373
00:16:11,354 --> 00:16:12,522
It's not.
374
00:16:12,555 --> 00:16:14,991
It is completely unfair.
375
00:16:15,025 --> 00:16:17,493
No. This is not supposed to...
376
00:16:17,527 --> 00:16:20,430
One person is supposed to be
in the hospital bed.
377
00:16:20,463 --> 00:16:23,166
And then the other uncomfortably
sleeping on that little couch,
378
00:16:23,199 --> 00:16:25,101
just sneaking home
to shower and...
379
00:16:25,135 --> 00:16:26,669
(voice breaks):
and walk the dog.
380
00:16:26,702 --> 00:16:28,204
Right?
(exhales)
381
00:16:28,238 --> 00:16:31,807
Right, Jimmy.
382
00:16:31,841 --> 00:16:32,908
And yet...
383
00:16:46,189 --> 00:16:49,559
JIMMY:
I said don't touch anything!
384
00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:51,561
I knew it was a snake.
385
00:16:51,594 --> 00:16:52,895
Get out!
386
00:16:52,928 --> 00:16:54,930
(sighs)
387
00:17:01,371 --> 00:17:03,539
You told me
we could leave any time.
388
00:17:03,573 --> 00:17:05,541
Right.
So why didn't you?
389
00:17:05,575 --> 00:17:07,477
I've been mean.
I have been angry.
390
00:17:07,510 --> 00:17:09,379
I've been judging you.
391
00:17:09,412 --> 00:17:11,881
Which was our one promise,
from the beginning.
392
00:17:11,914 --> 00:17:13,583
If you were serious
about leaving,
393
00:17:13,616 --> 00:17:15,085
then you would have gone by now.
394
00:17:15,118 --> 00:17:16,886
You didn't
leave, either.
I know.
395
00:17:16,919 --> 00:17:17,887
I don't know why.
396
00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:20,923
I think this may be impossible.
397
00:17:29,899 --> 00:17:33,403
But can't that be okay?
398
00:17:33,436 --> 00:17:39,041
I mean, the-the vast majority
of all human effort,
399
00:17:39,075 --> 00:17:42,412
however great or miniscule,
ends in failure.
400
00:17:42,445 --> 00:17:44,414
So, what are your options?
401
00:17:45,781 --> 00:17:48,218
You just ad-admit pre-defeat
402
00:17:48,251 --> 00:17:51,121
because the odds are
that you're gonna be right?
403
00:17:51,154 --> 00:17:53,323
Or you do it anyway?
404
00:17:57,393 --> 00:17:59,395
(sighs)
405
00:18:00,563 --> 00:18:01,964
Maybe we're a success...
406
00:18:01,997 --> 00:18:03,433
(chuckles softly)
407
00:18:03,466 --> 00:18:05,034
...regardless of the outcome,
408
00:18:05,067 --> 00:18:08,171
because... we tried.
409
00:18:10,173 --> 00:18:12,074
Maybe there's beauty
in the struggle
410
00:18:12,108 --> 00:18:14,244
against near certain failure.
411
00:18:14,277 --> 00:18:15,445
Is that enough?
412
00:18:15,478 --> 00:18:17,247
A beautiful struggle?
413
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:19,249
Maybe.
It's all gonna
suck one day,
414
00:18:19,282 --> 00:18:21,284
so enjoy it now,
stop rocking the boat,
415
00:18:21,317 --> 00:18:23,319
and that is goddamn it?!
416
00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:32,462
It's like in my book.
417
00:18:32,495 --> 00:18:34,164
Ugh, no more book.
418
00:18:34,197 --> 00:18:35,331
Gretchen tired.
419
00:18:35,365 --> 00:18:36,666
In chapter 12,
420
00:18:36,699 --> 00:18:38,501
Kitty is headed to Lisbon
421
00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:39,969
to follow Take That on tour,
422
00:18:40,002 --> 00:18:42,738
but instead
she stays with Simon,
423
00:18:42,772 --> 00:18:46,276
though they have
no possible future.
424
00:18:46,309 --> 00:18:48,278
Oh, my God!
That's makes perfect sense.
425
00:18:48,311 --> 00:18:50,613
That's why they
stay together.
426
00:18:50,646 --> 00:18:52,615
They are mirrors of you and I.
427
00:18:52,648 --> 00:18:54,517
Theirs is
a love forbidden,
428
00:18:54,550 --> 00:18:57,253
thus... doomed.
429
00:18:57,287 --> 00:18:58,321
Why is it forbidden?
430
00:18:58,354 --> 00:18:59,789
Well, because
they're half-siblings.
431
00:18:59,822 --> 00:19:00,790
Wait, what?!
432
00:19:00,823 --> 00:19:01,991
Jimmy, we talking incest?
433
00:19:02,024 --> 00:19:03,659
How did you miss that?
434
00:19:03,693 --> 00:19:04,860
I wasn't listening that good.
435
00:19:04,894 --> 00:19:06,296
Look, when I came up
with this story,
436
00:19:06,329 --> 00:19:08,164
I was, I was falling in love
with you...
437
00:19:08,198 --> 00:19:09,632
e-even though it was,
438
00:19:09,665 --> 00:19:11,634
it was scary and-and wrong.
439
00:19:11,667 --> 00:19:14,504
I thought that
I was avoiding my feelings
440
00:19:14,537 --> 00:19:16,539
by writing my book,
but it was you
441
00:19:16,572 --> 00:19:18,374
who was fueling me
442
00:19:18,408 --> 00:19:19,642
this whole time.
443
00:19:19,675 --> 00:19:22,712
Fueling you to write
about a couple of horny sibs?
444
00:19:22,745 --> 00:19:24,046
Give me.
445
00:19:27,082 --> 00:19:28,984
Show me the part
you cranked out last night
446
00:19:29,018 --> 00:19:30,152
when you were all upset.
447
00:19:30,186 --> 00:19:31,654
Oh, no way.
448
00:19:31,687 --> 00:19:34,824
If you're experiencing
the sweeping psychodrama
449
00:19:34,857 --> 00:19:36,726
of The Width of a Peach,
450
00:19:36,759 --> 00:19:37,993
you're starting
at the beginning.
451
00:19:38,027 --> 00:19:39,562
(chuckles)
452
00:19:39,595 --> 00:19:40,896
Chapter one.
453
00:19:40,930 --> 00:19:42,898
"A deep, orgasmic moaning
454
00:19:42,932 --> 00:19:45,501
"came from behind
the undersized attic door,
455
00:19:45,535 --> 00:19:46,902
"while far above,
456
00:19:46,936 --> 00:19:49,572
"a German Sprengbombe
Cylindrisch 1000
457
00:19:49,605 --> 00:19:52,041
"was falling towards
Catherine Wheel Alley,
458
00:19:52,074 --> 00:19:56,045
City of London,
Post Code EC2N4RQ."
459
00:19:56,078 --> 00:19:57,413
Why do we need
the post...
460
00:19:57,447 --> 00:19:59,815
Good writing is detailed.
461
00:19:59,849 --> 00:20:01,584
Shh.
462
00:20:03,118 --> 00:20:06,856
Oh, I've been so
jealous and awful.
463
00:20:06,889 --> 00:20:08,524
I've been trying to get a job
for so long,
464
00:20:08,558 --> 00:20:10,192
and then when it happened
for you so quickly,
465
00:20:10,226 --> 00:20:12,161
I just... couldn't handle it.
466
00:20:12,194 --> 00:20:13,563
Hey...
467
00:20:13,596 --> 00:20:16,899
I was so intimidated by you
in our first class.
468
00:20:16,932 --> 00:20:20,303
You did the whole intro
in that fake Norwegian accent.
469
00:20:21,371 --> 00:20:23,072
My insecure vampire character.
470
00:20:23,105 --> 00:20:24,039
Mm-hmm.
471
00:20:24,073 --> 00:20:25,207
"Velcome to class.
472
00:20:25,241 --> 00:20:26,676
"I vant to suck your blood...
473
00:20:26,709 --> 00:20:28,278
(laughing)
"because I suck.
474
00:20:28,311 --> 00:20:31,547
Does this cape
make my fangs look fat?"
475
00:20:34,550 --> 00:20:36,051
God, I was funny, huh?
476
00:20:36,085 --> 00:20:37,920
You still are.
477
00:20:39,422 --> 00:20:41,791
(phone ringing)
478
00:20:41,824 --> 00:20:43,259
I'll be right back.
479
00:20:45,395 --> 00:20:47,797
Edgar. Doug Benson,
DB Industries.
480
00:20:47,830 --> 00:20:49,599
Listen,
I love your sketch ideas.
481
00:20:49,632 --> 00:20:51,033
Still chuckling over
"Lying Lawyer
482
00:20:51,066 --> 00:20:52,702
is a Liar."
I'm putting together
483
00:20:52,735 --> 00:20:54,704
a writers' room for three months
and I need
484
00:20:54,737 --> 00:20:56,071
you in it, starting Monday.
485
00:20:56,105 --> 00:20:58,274
Uh, y-yes.
486
00:20:58,308 --> 00:20:59,975
Y-Yes, Mr. Benson, of course.
487
00:21:00,009 --> 00:21:01,076
Okay, I got to go.
488
00:21:01,110 --> 00:21:02,412
I'm eating sushi
489
00:21:02,445 --> 00:21:03,779
off this Israeli model's
naked bod
490
00:21:03,813 --> 00:21:05,415
and the toro is getting warm.
491
00:21:05,448 --> 00:21:06,982
(woman giggles)
492
00:21:07,016 --> 00:21:08,017
Oh.
493
00:21:09,952 --> 00:21:11,421
DOUG:
Say hi, Tova.
494
00:21:13,088 --> 00:21:14,890
Hmm.
Who was that?
495
00:21:14,924 --> 00:21:17,126
Uh...
496
00:21:17,159 --> 00:21:18,294
my job.
497
00:21:18,328 --> 00:21:19,729
I-I have to go in Monday,
498
00:21:19,762 --> 00:21:21,096
uh, to the gym.
499
00:21:21,130 --> 00:21:23,165
Uh, someone
knocked a door
500
00:21:23,198 --> 00:21:25,234
off of the shower stall...
501
00:21:25,267 --> 00:21:27,403
in the men's locker room.
Colby and Travis?
502
00:21:27,437 --> 00:21:29,805
We'll never know.
503
00:21:29,839 --> 00:21:31,441
But, yeah, obviously.
(laughs)
504
00:21:37,046 --> 00:21:38,481
(whispers):
Yes.
505
00:21:47,790 --> 00:21:49,925
You thought you could master me.
506
00:21:49,959 --> 00:21:52,695
But I'm a person, Paul.
507
00:21:52,728 --> 00:21:54,464
I'm not one of your hobbies.
508
00:21:54,497 --> 00:21:55,765
You're right.
509
00:21:55,798 --> 00:21:59,168
I wanted a family so badly,
I was willing to look past
510
00:21:59,201 --> 00:22:02,538
the septendecillion pieces
of evidence that screamed,
511
00:22:02,572 --> 00:22:04,707
"We are wrong
for each other."
512
00:22:04,740 --> 00:22:07,677
Think you can stay here
a little bit longer?
513
00:22:07,710 --> 00:22:09,712
Just until we get
our affairs in order?
514
00:22:09,745 --> 00:22:11,581
Of course.
515
00:22:16,185 --> 00:22:18,388
I guess... in the end,
516
00:22:18,421 --> 00:22:21,391
we were just two stars
born light-years apart.
517
00:22:21,424 --> 00:22:22,792
You need to find someone
518
00:22:22,825 --> 00:22:24,560
in your own constellation,
Lindsay.
519
00:22:24,594 --> 00:22:27,196
Oh, Bear.
520
00:22:27,229 --> 00:22:29,231
Mm.
521
00:22:32,267 --> 00:22:35,237
So you'll throw away
the prenup?
522
00:22:35,270 --> 00:22:37,873
(exhales)
523
00:22:37,907 --> 00:22:39,875
You stabbed me.
524
00:22:39,909 --> 00:22:43,245
You cuckolded me.
525
00:22:43,278 --> 00:22:46,081
You ruined my life.
526
00:22:50,252 --> 00:22:52,021
Better lawyer up, bitch.
527
00:22:52,054 --> 00:22:53,889
(gasps)
528
00:23:09,705 --> 00:23:12,207
JIMMY: "Simon watched
the man exit the motel,
529
00:23:12,241 --> 00:23:14,376
"and they were alone again.
530
00:23:14,410 --> 00:23:16,211
"He, gazing at her,
531
00:23:16,245 --> 00:23:18,681
"she, staring at
her own reflection.
532
00:23:18,714 --> 00:23:21,617
"Both of them were watching
the same thing,
533
00:23:21,651 --> 00:23:24,420
the tears filling Kitty's eyes."
534
00:23:24,454 --> 00:23:26,422
(sighs softly)
535
00:23:27,757 --> 00:23:29,892
Dude, keep going!
536
00:23:29,925 --> 00:23:32,762
I need to know what happens
with Kitty and Simon and Bug.
537
00:23:32,795 --> 00:23:34,464
I'm so worried about Bug.
538
00:23:34,497 --> 00:23:35,598
Well, that's all I wrote.
539
00:23:35,631 --> 00:23:37,433
Well, go finish it.
540
00:23:37,467 --> 00:23:38,801
You know how it ends, right?
541
00:23:38,834 --> 00:23:40,936
I do now.
542
00:23:41,971 --> 00:23:44,574
But first...
543
00:23:44,607 --> 00:23:46,709
I need to rest my eyes.
544
00:23:46,742 --> 00:23:49,411
I've been up for two days.
545
00:23:50,446 --> 00:23:52,448
Come here.
546
00:23:59,321 --> 00:24:01,657
*
547
00:24:01,691 --> 00:24:04,026
We didn't solve anything.
548
00:24:06,295 --> 00:24:08,297
I know.
549
00:24:09,632 --> 00:24:11,634
Okay.
550
00:24:13,202 --> 00:24:16,438
* This year,
I'll spend November *
551
00:24:16,472 --> 00:24:19,408
* In the house
552
00:24:19,441 --> 00:24:21,911
* August sort of stifled...
553
00:24:21,944 --> 00:24:23,946
Shit.
554
00:24:23,979 --> 00:24:25,347
That's nine.
555
00:24:26,381 --> 00:24:28,117
* It's coyness, boy
556
00:24:28,150 --> 00:24:31,453
* That caught you out
557
00:24:31,487 --> 00:24:36,992
* I know you wish for fireworks
to light your July sky *
558
00:24:37,026 --> 00:24:40,329
* I was the dampest
box of matches *
559
00:24:40,362 --> 00:24:43,098
* You could ever hope to find
560
00:24:43,132 --> 00:24:45,835
* I'm sorry, what?
I hear you, yeah *
561
00:24:45,868 --> 00:24:47,770
* I was watching
the skin peeling *
562
00:24:47,803 --> 00:24:50,372
* Off your sunburnt shoulders,
I know *
563
00:24:50,405 --> 00:24:52,842
* I know you only melt
in the middle *
564
00:24:52,875 --> 00:24:54,376
* Like ice cream and sunscreen
565
00:24:54,409 --> 00:24:57,513
* Blisters in the pit
of my heart. *
566
00:24:57,547 --> 00:25:00,516
(dog barks)
567
00:25:03,519 --> 00:25:06,522
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