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1
00:00:18,301 --> 00:00:22,172
* I wanted out again
2
00:00:22,205 --> 00:00:25,842
* Wanted you, so fun
3
00:00:25,876 --> 00:00:27,277
* But I did...
4
00:00:27,310 --> 00:00:28,612
So you remember Jimmy,
5
00:00:28,645 --> 00:00:30,313
right?
Oh, my God. Gretchen.
6
00:00:30,347 --> 00:00:32,816
Tough titties,
it's a free country.
7
00:00:32,849 --> 00:00:35,018
Anyway, I have to have this
really sucky conversation
8
00:00:35,051 --> 00:00:36,987
with him and I don't
want to at all.
9
00:00:37,020 --> 00:00:38,522
Your appointment
isn't until next week.
10
00:00:38,555 --> 00:00:40,357
You cannot just show up places.
Well then,
11
00:00:40,391 --> 00:00:42,959
stop Foursquaring yourself
every time you leave the house,
12
00:00:42,993 --> 00:00:45,396
like the Mayor of
Thirsty Town. Also,
13
00:00:45,429 --> 00:00:47,731
stop using Foursquare
like the Mayor of 2011.
14
00:00:47,764 --> 00:00:50,300
Okay. So you need something
from Jimmy.
15
00:00:50,333 --> 00:00:52,836
Yeah. I need his dad
to have seen a cardiologist.
16
00:00:52,869 --> 00:00:53,837
Ha-ha, snap.
17
00:00:53,870 --> 00:00:56,006
He died?
18
00:00:56,039 --> 00:00:57,307
I'm so sorry. When?
Okay.
19
00:00:57,340 --> 00:00:58,409
So here's the part where
20
00:00:58,442 --> 00:00:59,976
you feel like total dog shit.
21
00:01:00,010 --> 00:01:02,245
Remember you made me
open my mail?
22
00:01:02,278 --> 00:01:04,014
Well I did.
And boom.
23
00:01:04,047 --> 00:01:06,349
There's his dad's obit.
And I'm like,
24
00:01:06,383 --> 00:01:09,019
"Well, shit!
How am I supposed to tell him?"
25
00:01:09,052 --> 00:01:11,254
So how am I supposed
to tell him?
26
00:01:11,287 --> 00:01:14,491
You haven't told him?
No! Ew!
I couldn't!
27
00:01:14,525 --> 00:01:17,327
He was so stoked
about selling his book.
28
00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:19,830
And then I got busy and forgot
for a couple days.
29
00:01:19,863 --> 00:01:21,532
But then, I was gonna tell him,
30
00:01:21,565 --> 00:01:25,035
and I got preoccupied by this
iguana on Instagram
31
00:01:25,068 --> 00:01:27,904
(chuckling):
who is just so over it.
32
00:01:29,372 --> 00:01:32,175
It's gonna suck so bad.
33
00:01:32,208 --> 00:01:33,577
I get it. It's tough.
34
00:01:33,610 --> 00:01:35,746
The idea of seeing
Jimmy in pain...
35
00:01:35,779 --> 00:01:38,882
Jimmy?
No, this is gonna suck for me.
36
00:01:38,915 --> 00:01:40,116
We've been having
hella fun lately.
37
00:01:40,150 --> 00:01:42,085
Boning like crazy.
38
00:01:42,118 --> 00:01:43,787
(chuckles) I tricked him
into giving me backrubs,
39
00:01:43,820 --> 00:01:45,456
saying that it made me horny.
40
00:01:45,489 --> 00:01:48,058
Jokes on you, dummy.
I'm horny already.
41
00:01:48,091 --> 00:01:51,194
Here's an idea: what if
I just never tell him?
I-I don't like
42
00:01:51,227 --> 00:01:53,630
to tell my patients what to do,
but Jesus Christ, you have to
43
00:01:53,664 --> 00:01:56,700
tell Jimmy his father died.
What if he cries,
44
00:01:56,733 --> 00:01:58,735
and I see
the sad little boy inside?
45
00:01:58,769 --> 00:02:00,403
I don't want to tell him.
46
00:02:00,437 --> 00:02:01,638
I know. And I've met Jimmy--
47
00:02:01,672 --> 00:02:04,608
that sounds disgusting--
but you have to.
48
00:02:05,642 --> 00:02:07,243
(sighs)
49
00:02:07,277 --> 00:02:09,145
Fine.
50
00:02:09,179 --> 00:02:12,015
I suppose you want me
to pay you now.
51
00:02:14,417 --> 00:02:16,687
Ugh, you owe me a five spot.
52
00:02:17,754 --> 00:02:20,290
*
53
00:02:25,261 --> 00:02:27,998
* I'm gonna leave you anyway
54
00:02:28,031 --> 00:02:30,801
* I'm gonna leave you
anyway *
55
00:02:30,834 --> 00:02:34,137
* Gonna leave you anyway.
56
00:02:37,974 --> 00:02:40,010
Right. Remember,
57
00:02:40,043 --> 00:02:42,746
the look we're going
for is jocund but...
58
00:02:42,779 --> 00:02:44,114
profoundly tormented.
Okay?
59
00:02:45,448 --> 00:02:46,583
Uh, what's going on, Jimbo?
60
00:02:46,617 --> 00:02:49,319
Jacket photo. It's a bit early.
61
00:02:49,352 --> 00:02:50,687
But I'm planning on
going full D'Onofrio
62
00:02:50,721 --> 00:02:52,155
once the advance
money comes in.
63
00:02:52,188 --> 00:02:54,357
Can you take a little break?
64
00:02:54,390 --> 00:02:57,494
God, no, woman!
There's too much to do.
65
00:02:57,528 --> 00:02:59,796
Now that the starting gun on
the Grand Prix has sounded,
66
00:02:59,830 --> 00:03:02,432
the instant that I take my foot
off the proverbial gas
67
00:03:02,465 --> 00:03:05,101
to celebrate, shall materialize
five other writers
68
00:03:05,135 --> 00:03:07,103
in my side mirror
just ready to pass me
69
00:03:07,137 --> 00:03:09,105
on the Autobahn that is
the publishing industry...
70
00:03:09,139 --> 00:03:12,509
to clumsily mix European
race car metaphors.
71
00:03:12,543 --> 00:03:14,210
As a veteran
writer girlfriend now,
72
00:03:14,244 --> 00:03:15,445
you know that the work
73
00:03:15,478 --> 00:03:17,347
is never-ending.
But you spent the last
74
00:03:17,380 --> 00:03:19,015
few months drinking
and jerking it
75
00:03:19,049 --> 00:03:20,016
to the Lane Bryant
shoe catalog.
76
00:03:20,050 --> 00:03:23,186
If I have to explain this
one more time:
77
00:03:23,219 --> 00:03:25,522
it's all writing.
78
00:03:25,556 --> 00:03:27,858
Um, I'll be quick.
(groans)
79
00:03:27,891 --> 00:03:30,460
Listen, Jimmy...
80
00:03:30,493 --> 00:03:31,728
No, I'm sorry. Look,
81
00:03:31,762 --> 00:03:33,964
this is gonna be a
very long, arduous--
82
00:03:33,997 --> 00:03:36,633
yet certainly rewarding--
journey for you,
83
00:03:36,667 --> 00:03:39,135
at my side, so before
the madness begins,
84
00:03:39,169 --> 00:03:41,772
as a pre-ward, I want to take
you on a restorative trip.
85
00:03:43,206 --> 00:03:44,908
Like a cruise?
86
00:03:44,941 --> 00:03:46,977
Can we go on a cruise?
87
00:03:47,010 --> 00:03:49,312
Um...
That's my dream vacation!
88
00:03:49,345 --> 00:03:52,048
My parents always thought
it was tacky.
89
00:03:52,082 --> 00:03:54,484
Okay. Well, if your
idea of paradise
90
00:03:54,517 --> 00:03:57,053
is succumbing to Norovirus
on a floating red state,
91
00:03:57,087 --> 00:03:58,589
then sure!
92
00:03:58,622 --> 00:03:59,756
(screams)
93
00:03:59,790 --> 00:04:01,391
(laughs)
There-there's
94
00:04:01,424 --> 00:04:03,727
a water slide
and-and a musical revue
95
00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:06,429
and if the grown-ups
are busy gambling,
96
00:04:06,462 --> 00:04:08,498
you hang out with
the other kids and just color!
97
00:04:08,531 --> 00:04:11,367
Okay, I need to get back to my
shoot. I have a liquid brunch
98
00:04:11,401 --> 00:04:13,837
with my editor, so we can
plan marketing strategies.
99
00:04:13,870 --> 00:04:15,538
Sounds fun!
100
00:04:15,572 --> 00:04:16,940
Gretchen.
101
00:04:16,973 --> 00:04:19,409
Every mimosa
is a chore.
102
00:04:19,442 --> 00:04:23,013
Okay? Every sip is a brick
in a literary wall
103
00:04:23,046 --> 00:04:25,448
that I'm painting...
Got it.
Yay! Cruise!
104
00:04:25,481 --> 00:04:27,951
Okay, back to work.
Props.
105
00:04:27,984 --> 00:04:29,986
*
106
00:04:40,797 --> 00:04:42,733
Ooh, you hungry?
107
00:04:42,766 --> 00:04:44,601
I could eat.
108
00:04:48,071 --> 00:04:51,642
P.A.: May I help you?
BOTH:
We're with the network.
109
00:04:52,676 --> 00:04:53,977
So, how's your gimpy husband?
110
00:04:54,010 --> 00:04:56,246
Poor Paul.
He's off the couch,
111
00:04:56,279 --> 00:04:59,049
but his wound keeps getting
reinfected somehow.
112
00:04:59,082 --> 00:05:00,483
I poked around there
113
00:05:00,516 --> 00:05:03,253
with my fingers,
and couldn't find anything.
114
00:05:03,286 --> 00:05:05,588
I feel guilty because
of how much he suffered.
115
00:05:05,622 --> 00:05:07,490
And because you
stabbed him on purpose.
116
00:05:07,523 --> 00:05:09,660
I didn't want to kill him,
I just snapped.
117
00:05:11,461 --> 00:05:13,596
Oops...
I knew it.
118
00:05:13,630 --> 00:05:16,399
Lindser! Oh, my God,
I thought I was scared of you
119
00:05:16,432 --> 00:05:18,234
that time you yelled
at that cop in Tijuana.
120
00:05:18,268 --> 00:05:20,837
You should be scared.
121
00:05:20,871 --> 00:05:22,973
And it was so easy.
122
00:05:23,006 --> 00:05:25,275
I was just like...
123
00:05:26,376 --> 00:05:27,610
Poking some cheese.
124
00:05:29,179 --> 00:05:30,647
Poking some cheese?
125
00:05:30,681 --> 00:05:33,316
It's spooky. Afterwards,
126
00:05:33,349 --> 00:05:35,418
I kept telling myself
I didn't do it,
127
00:05:35,451 --> 00:05:37,253
until I actually
believed it.
128
00:05:37,287 --> 00:05:39,355
Like how Oprah can
eat bread now.
129
00:05:39,389 --> 00:05:40,657
You don't love Paul.
130
00:05:40,691 --> 00:05:44,194
That was true for Old Lindsay.
131
00:05:44,227 --> 00:05:48,098
New Lindsay can put
any thought in her brain.
132
00:05:48,131 --> 00:05:50,934
(gasps) Like that upside down
movie with Juno and the dreidel
133
00:05:50,967 --> 00:05:53,036
and Tom Hardy
with the tight pants.
(groans)
134
00:05:53,069 --> 00:05:55,271
If I can incept
135
00:05:55,305 --> 00:05:58,709
myself I didn't stab Paul...
136
00:05:58,742 --> 00:06:01,878
maybe I can incept myself
into loving him.
137
00:06:01,912 --> 00:06:05,048
How are things
with the Jim-dogs?
138
00:06:05,081 --> 00:06:08,651
Oh, suck-balls.
His pops croaked.
Yawn.
139
00:06:08,685 --> 00:06:12,155
So what's the probs?
I haven't told him yet.
140
00:06:12,188 --> 00:06:14,858
And now my therapist
is making me.
You can't tell him, Gretch!
141
00:06:14,891 --> 00:06:18,394
The second those words
come out of your mouth,
142
00:06:18,428 --> 00:06:20,130
you are no longer
Jimmy's fun sex hole.
143
00:06:20,163 --> 00:06:21,965
You're the guys
at the beginning
144
00:06:21,998 --> 00:06:24,701
of Saving Private Ryan who
make the moms fall down.
145
00:06:24,735 --> 00:06:26,069
You're right!
146
00:06:26,102 --> 00:06:27,670
That titty-sucking bitch
is trying to
147
00:06:27,704 --> 00:06:30,173
straight "Lemonade"
my relationship.
148
00:06:30,206 --> 00:06:32,709
What do I do?
Get some
149
00:06:32,743 --> 00:06:34,878
other sucker to tell him.
150
00:06:34,911 --> 00:06:37,981
(excited chatter in distance)
Colby! Travis!
151
00:06:38,014 --> 00:06:41,084
You two know
the policy on roughhousing.
152
00:06:41,117 --> 00:06:44,254
I don't care if
you are best friends.
153
00:06:44,287 --> 00:06:46,522
Ten more minutes
and I'm coming in there!
154
00:06:48,358 --> 00:06:50,693
As I was saying,
we've got a killer special.
155
00:06:50,727 --> 00:06:54,264
$49 for three yoga sessions,
or three Pilates sessions.
156
00:06:54,297 --> 00:06:56,566
We also have a
cutting-edge new lineup
157
00:06:56,599 --> 00:06:59,369
of the hottest new hybrid
workouts. Piloxing:
158
00:06:59,402 --> 00:07:02,038
Pilates and boxing, yogitsu:
159
00:07:02,072 --> 00:07:03,573
yoga and jujitsu,
160
00:07:03,606 --> 00:07:06,042
spowing: spinning
and rowing,
161
00:07:06,076 --> 00:07:08,178
Zustified: that's
Zumba while you
162
00:07:08,211 --> 00:07:10,680
binge-watch Justified,
it's actually not really...
Edgar, shut up.
163
00:07:10,713 --> 00:07:14,885
We need to tell you a secret.
No, no, no, no, no.
I-I don't want any secrets.
164
00:07:15,819 --> 00:07:17,754
You love secrets.
165
00:07:17,788 --> 00:07:20,290
Secrets are your favorite thing.
166
00:07:20,323 --> 00:07:22,192
No, this is a really
bad time, okay?
167
00:07:22,225 --> 00:07:24,227
I've been stuck with processing
some events, like the time
168
00:07:24,260 --> 00:07:25,896
we got pinned down
outside of Tikrit
169
00:07:25,929 --> 00:07:28,965
and we had to improvise body
armor with tank shrapnel.
170
00:07:28,999 --> 00:07:31,868
That's not so bad.
Or like the time I was
so thirsty I shot a camel.
171
00:07:31,902 --> 00:07:32,969
'Cause the humps
have water in them?
Because you thought there was
172
00:07:33,003 --> 00:07:34,871
water in the humps?
Yeah.
173
00:07:34,905 --> 00:07:37,808
Turns out they don't work
like that. Anyway, seriously,
174
00:07:37,841 --> 00:07:40,643
I-I don't have any room in my
head for any more dark...
175
00:07:40,676 --> 00:07:43,213
Jimmy's dad died
and he doesn't know.
176
00:07:43,246 --> 00:07:44,280
Jimmy's dad what?
177
00:07:45,248 --> 00:07:47,417
Oh, God.
178
00:07:47,450 --> 00:07:50,787
Poor Ronny, poor
Jimmy, poor camel.
179
00:07:50,821 --> 00:07:52,088
Poor Bing Bong.
180
00:07:52,122 --> 00:07:53,957
Everything's bad,
you guys.
181
00:07:53,990 --> 00:07:55,391
Everything's really, really bad.
182
00:07:55,425 --> 00:07:57,160
So you'll tell him, yeah?
Thanks.
No,
183
00:07:57,193 --> 00:07:58,494
no, no way! I...
184
00:07:58,528 --> 00:07:59,963
I told
enough people
185
00:07:59,996 --> 00:08:01,832
that someone
that they love died.
186
00:08:01,865 --> 00:08:03,733
(gasps)
I have an idea.
187
00:08:03,766 --> 00:08:07,003
When my parents got divorced,
they told us at Benihana's
188
00:08:07,037 --> 00:08:08,404
so we wouldn't cause a scene.
189
00:08:08,438 --> 00:08:10,240
The chef put a shrimp
in his hat.
190
00:08:10,273 --> 00:08:12,909
How'd that work?
He just put a shrimp
in his hat.
191
00:08:12,943 --> 00:08:15,278
No, I mean,
telling you in public.
192
00:08:15,311 --> 00:08:18,614
Oh. It totally made us
not freak out as much.
193
00:08:18,648 --> 00:08:21,517
Except later, I drank my mom's
mai tai and climbed on the table
194
00:08:21,551 --> 00:08:22,986
'cause I forgot it was a grill.
195
00:08:23,019 --> 00:08:24,454
That's why I don't have
footprints.
196
00:08:24,487 --> 00:08:25,421
(slurping)
197
00:08:25,455 --> 00:08:26,857
GRETCHEN:
Okay.
198
00:08:26,890 --> 00:08:29,459
So, maybe I invite
a bunch of people over,
199
00:08:29,492 --> 00:08:31,194
and then everyone
tells him together.
200
00:08:31,227 --> 00:08:33,263
And then he associates
the sadness
201
00:08:33,296 --> 00:08:34,965
with you jerks,
and not with me.
202
00:08:34,998 --> 00:08:36,699
That suddenly
sounds bad for us.
203
00:08:36,732 --> 00:08:38,201
I got to go, you guys.
204
00:08:38,234 --> 00:08:40,770
I'm late teaching
Treadsparent.
205
00:08:40,803 --> 00:08:43,173
It's running on a treadmill
while you watch...
206
00:08:43,206 --> 00:08:45,208
We get it.
207
00:08:54,684 --> 00:08:56,719
(grunting)
208
00:08:58,855 --> 00:09:01,491
These hand crutches
were all Lindsay could find
209
00:09:01,524 --> 00:09:03,226
at the medical supply.
210
00:09:03,259 --> 00:09:04,861
I don't like that place.
211
00:09:04,895 --> 00:09:06,329
So many weird toilets.
212
00:09:06,362 --> 00:09:07,797
Mmm.
213
00:09:07,830 --> 00:09:09,900
I love sneaking an extra
dessert, don't you?
214
00:09:09,933 --> 00:09:12,002
One's for me,
one's for my baby.
215
00:09:12,035 --> 00:09:15,071
I'm not giving
my dessert to your baby.
216
00:09:15,105 --> 00:09:17,140
Oh, right,
you meant my baby.
217
00:09:17,173 --> 00:09:18,341
That's right,
I'm still pregnant.
218
00:09:18,374 --> 00:09:20,243
Check it out.
219
00:09:20,276 --> 00:09:22,178
Looks like a normal vest
with a ton of pockets, right?
220
00:09:22,212 --> 00:09:23,779
Wrong.
221
00:09:24,948 --> 00:09:26,349
Harmonica vest.
222
00:09:26,382 --> 00:09:28,351
Ever since I Venmo'd
a year's salary
223
00:09:28,384 --> 00:09:29,819
to some chick in the Ukraine,
224
00:09:29,852 --> 00:09:32,622
I can only have hobbies
that cost less than $25.
225
00:09:35,191 --> 00:09:36,592
Hell yeah!
226
00:09:37,894 --> 00:09:39,095
GRETCHEN:
Hey, everybody.
227
00:09:39,129 --> 00:09:40,730
Uh, thank you so much
228
00:09:40,763 --> 00:09:43,766
for coming to Jimmy's
surprise/congratulations-
229
00:09:43,799 --> 00:09:45,268
you-sold-the-book party.
230
00:09:45,301 --> 00:09:47,537
Um, small change
of plans, though.
231
00:09:47,570 --> 00:09:49,872
Jimmy's dad passed away.
232
00:09:49,906 --> 00:09:52,275
(all gasp)
233
00:09:52,308 --> 00:09:53,843
What a major tradge, but...
234
00:09:53,876 --> 00:09:56,412
happens every day
on my operating table.
235
00:09:56,446 --> 00:09:59,249
Someone dies every day
on your operating table?
236
00:09:59,282 --> 00:10:01,952
Not literally every day, dummy.
On average.
237
00:10:01,985 --> 00:10:03,086
Our condolences, Gretchen.
238
00:10:03,119 --> 00:10:05,188
We should let you two
grieve in private.
239
00:10:05,221 --> 00:10:06,356
GRETCHEN:
Oh, no, no, no, no!
240
00:10:06,389 --> 00:10:07,557
Stay.
241
00:10:07,590 --> 00:10:09,059
Um, in fact...
242
00:10:09,092 --> 00:10:11,694
Wait, crazy idea.
243
00:10:11,727 --> 00:10:13,363
Um, why don't
we tell him together?
244
00:10:13,396 --> 00:10:15,731
He doesn't know?
245
00:10:15,765 --> 00:10:16,967
Well, it happened in England.
246
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:18,701
And there's
a time difference, so...
247
00:10:18,734 --> 00:10:21,437
Yeah, uh, so,
when he comes home,
248
00:10:21,471 --> 00:10:23,940
I'll give the signal,
you guys drop the bomb,
249
00:10:23,974 --> 00:10:25,608
and boom--
it's your fault.
250
00:10:25,641 --> 00:10:27,143
Thanks so much
for doing this.
251
00:10:27,177 --> 00:10:28,611
Eat cheese, have fun.
252
00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:31,281
(harmonica playing)
253
00:10:31,314 --> 00:10:33,816
Can you imagine?
254
00:10:33,849 --> 00:10:36,052
He was almost
my father-in-law.
255
00:10:36,086 --> 00:10:39,055
Of course, I'm much closer to
the whole thing now that I'm
256
00:10:39,089 --> 00:10:41,391
going to have a daughter.
257
00:10:41,424 --> 00:10:43,893
That's right.
258
00:10:43,926 --> 00:10:45,061
We're having a girl.
259
00:10:45,095 --> 00:10:46,162
Aah!
260
00:10:46,196 --> 00:10:47,430
Isn't that amazing?
261
00:10:47,463 --> 00:10:49,465
Can't you just die
how cute
262
00:10:49,499 --> 00:10:50,900
we're gonna be together?
Mm.
263
00:10:50,933 --> 00:10:51,968
Of course, it's such a shame
264
00:10:52,002 --> 00:10:53,636
that our gender-reveal party
265
00:10:53,669 --> 00:10:55,638
was spoiled when
those North Korean hackers
266
00:10:55,671 --> 00:10:57,073
stole Vernon's identity.
267
00:10:57,107 --> 00:11:00,443
Becca, we all know
Vernon was a money-slave.
268
00:11:00,476 --> 00:11:02,278
What?
No, no, no.
269
00:11:02,312 --> 00:11:04,514
No, that was just
a story he told,
270
00:11:04,547 --> 00:11:06,316
because he was
embarrassed.
271
00:11:06,349 --> 00:11:07,950
Bad passwords.
272
00:11:07,984 --> 00:11:09,319
Poor Jimmy.
273
00:11:09,352 --> 00:11:10,420
I lost my dad, too.
274
00:11:10,453 --> 00:11:11,954
Your dad died?
No.
275
00:11:11,988 --> 00:11:13,656
I just lost him.
276
00:11:13,689 --> 00:11:15,925
Last week, we were
at the Beverly Center and
277
00:11:15,958 --> 00:11:18,794
he told me to go look at puppies
while he went to Sunglass Hut.
278
00:11:18,828 --> 00:11:21,331
I think we both knew
what was about to happen.
279
00:11:21,364 --> 00:11:23,466
Oh, no.
So, I've been
280
00:11:23,499 --> 00:11:25,368
living alone,
sleeping in his bed.
281
00:11:25,401 --> 00:11:28,204
I'm not ready
to be an adult.
282
00:11:28,238 --> 00:11:32,508
Contemplate the sundry ways
a society handles its elderly
283
00:11:32,542 --> 00:11:34,210
and infirm.
For instance,
284
00:11:34,244 --> 00:11:35,945
the noble Eskimo
sets himself adrift
285
00:11:35,978 --> 00:11:37,947
on an iceberg.
286
00:11:37,980 --> 00:11:39,882
Mm, he's
so smart.
287
00:11:39,915 --> 00:11:43,519
You love this smart,
smart man.
288
00:11:43,553 --> 00:11:46,056
You love his jiggly body
289
00:11:46,089 --> 00:11:47,857
and square face.
290
00:11:47,890 --> 00:11:48,958
You really do.
291
00:11:48,991 --> 00:11:49,992
GRETCHEN:
He's here!
292
00:11:50,026 --> 00:11:51,661
Get ready.
293
00:11:54,997 --> 00:11:58,734
Gretchen, that brunch
was a nightmare.
294
00:11:58,768 --> 00:12:00,570
The publisher just
kept telling me,
295
00:12:00,603 --> 00:12:02,172
"When I write the book..."
296
00:12:02,205 --> 00:12:04,840
Plus the "bottomless"
in "bottomless mimosas"
297
00:12:04,874 --> 00:12:07,310
means nothing
if the waitress disappears
298
00:12:07,343 --> 00:12:08,644
for ten minutes at a time.
299
00:12:08,678 --> 00:12:10,012
Jimmy, look who's here.
300
00:12:10,046 --> 00:12:11,647
Huh.
301
00:12:11,681 --> 00:12:12,982
You invited people over.
302
00:12:13,015 --> 00:12:13,983
Is it Oscar night?
303
00:12:14,016 --> 00:12:15,418
Well, keep it down.
304
00:12:15,451 --> 00:12:17,553
I, of course, must handcuff
myself to my laptop
305
00:12:17,587 --> 00:12:18,854
until my book is written.
306
00:12:18,888 --> 00:12:20,590
Good-bye, all.
See you in the spring.
307
00:12:20,623 --> 00:12:22,392
Wait, Jimmy, uh...
308
00:12:22,425 --> 00:12:23,426
Just stay a moment.
309
00:12:23,459 --> 00:12:25,461
Um, everyone's here for you.
310
00:12:27,029 --> 00:12:29,532
You're here to
celebrate my book sale.
311
00:12:29,565 --> 00:12:31,534
Well, it would be
positively unsporting
312
00:12:31,567 --> 00:12:33,336
of me to deny you
the pleasure
313
00:12:33,369 --> 00:12:35,004
of basking in my success,
even though
314
00:12:35,037 --> 00:12:36,439
nothing good
happened to you.
315
00:12:36,472 --> 00:12:39,909
I never understood
that impulse, really.
316
00:12:39,942 --> 00:12:43,379
Though we do tend to
gather around a fire.
317
00:12:43,413 --> 00:12:45,581
No, Jimmy,
you don't understand, um--
318
00:12:45,615 --> 00:12:47,450
Hey, everybody, could we, um...
And, Gretchen,
319
00:12:47,483 --> 00:12:48,718
my partner in crime,
320
00:12:48,751 --> 00:12:50,253
the diminutive,
mole-lipped
321
00:12:50,286 --> 00:12:53,256
Lillian Hellman to
my Dashiell Hammett.
322
00:12:53,289 --> 00:12:55,925
You have been
so supportive.
323
00:12:55,958 --> 00:12:58,594
No problem. Uh, the people would
like to tell you something.
324
00:12:58,628 --> 00:13:00,196
So, I was gonna
surprise you.
325
00:13:00,230 --> 00:13:02,565
But I did some research.
326
00:13:02,598 --> 00:13:03,933
And I think
I found the perfect
327
00:13:03,966 --> 00:13:05,067
cruise for you.
328
00:13:05,101 --> 00:13:06,436
It's called
329
00:13:06,469 --> 00:13:09,739
"The Famous Pets of
Instagram Cruise."
330
00:13:12,074 --> 00:13:13,543
What?!
331
00:13:13,576 --> 00:13:15,711
Sombrero Iguana?
332
00:13:15,745 --> 00:13:16,812
(sobbing)
333
00:13:16,846 --> 00:13:18,914
Bus Stop Goat!
334
00:13:18,948 --> 00:13:21,384
Cookie Pig!
335
00:13:21,417 --> 00:13:24,754
They're all gonna
be there for me?
336
00:13:24,787 --> 00:13:26,589
EDGAR:
When are we delivering
337
00:13:26,622 --> 00:13:27,657
the package,
you know?
338
00:13:27,690 --> 00:13:29,325
The top secret intel?
Shut up.
339
00:13:29,359 --> 00:13:31,261
(whispers):
After he buys the tickets.
340
00:13:31,294 --> 00:13:34,897
This is the greatest day
of my life!
341
00:13:34,930 --> 00:13:37,433
I am gonna meet Grumpy Cat!
342
00:13:37,467 --> 00:13:39,735
I sold my book!
343
00:13:39,769 --> 00:13:42,138
We're gonna live forever!
344
00:13:42,172 --> 00:13:44,607
*
345
00:14:15,505 --> 00:14:18,308
Lindsay, I got champagne
346
00:14:18,341 --> 00:14:20,510
in my wound.
347
00:14:20,543 --> 00:14:22,044
The bubbles, they sting!
348
00:14:22,077 --> 00:14:24,614
You have to flush it for me.
349
00:14:24,647 --> 00:14:27,016
Okay, Bear,
let's go to the sink.
350
00:14:27,049 --> 00:14:28,451
It hurts so bad!
351
00:14:28,484 --> 00:14:29,785
Does it smell funny?
352
00:14:29,819 --> 00:14:31,321
If it smells like eggs,
353
00:14:31,354 --> 00:14:33,155
you have to take me
back to urgent care!
354
00:14:33,189 --> 00:14:34,857
You love him.
You love him.
355
00:14:34,890 --> 00:14:36,526
Want to get stupid?
356
00:14:36,559 --> 00:14:39,562
How can you party like this
when you know someone died?
357
00:14:39,595 --> 00:14:41,831
I work at a hospital, dude.
358
00:14:41,864 --> 00:14:43,999
Just 'cause a busload
of dead kids rolled up,
359
00:14:44,033 --> 00:14:46,168
doesn't make it
not Margarita Monday.
360
00:14:46,202 --> 00:14:49,339
*
361
00:15:08,123 --> 00:15:10,092
*
362
00:15:37,753 --> 00:15:39,489
(indistinct chatter)
363
00:15:43,125 --> 00:15:45,361
Congratulations, Jimmy.
364
00:15:45,395 --> 00:15:48,964
It is really great
to see you so happy.
365
00:15:48,998 --> 00:15:50,666
Mm.
366
00:15:54,804 --> 00:15:58,474
You have always been
a success in my book.
367
00:15:58,508 --> 00:16:00,510
Oh.
368
00:16:02,745 --> 00:16:04,947
(singsongy):
Okay.
369
00:16:04,980 --> 00:16:07,082
I picked out an ocean suite
370
00:16:07,116 --> 00:16:09,652
with a porthole
so we can smoke and
371
00:16:09,685 --> 00:16:11,120
I added a meet and greet
with Sarcastic Llama.
372
00:16:11,153 --> 00:16:12,755
They take Apple Pay.
373
00:16:12,788 --> 00:16:14,690
You just have to put
your thumb on the thing.
374
00:16:18,294 --> 00:16:20,330
They don't want me
to succeed.
375
00:16:20,363 --> 00:16:21,597
Oh, no,
376
00:16:21,631 --> 00:16:22,798
Jimmy, before you turn,
377
00:16:22,832 --> 00:16:24,334
can you just put your
thumb on the thing?!
378
00:16:24,367 --> 00:16:25,401
Look at them.
No!
379
00:16:25,435 --> 00:16:27,002
JIMMY:
Sirens
380
00:16:27,036 --> 00:16:28,638
singing, "Come
play with us."
381
00:16:28,671 --> 00:16:30,340
But really
382
00:16:30,373 --> 00:16:32,808
they just want me to pilot
my literary schooner
383
00:16:32,842 --> 00:16:35,077
into the rocks
of do-nothingness.
384
00:16:35,110 --> 00:16:36,245
I invited them!
385
00:16:36,278 --> 00:16:37,647
Exactly!
386
00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:39,281
If you all didn't
want me to fail,
387
00:16:39,315 --> 00:16:40,950
then you would've listened
388
00:16:40,983 --> 00:16:43,085
when I said I have to write!
389
00:16:43,118 --> 00:16:46,255
They're desperately afraid
that I will shine so brightly,
390
00:16:46,288 --> 00:16:47,823
it will illuminate
391
00:16:47,857 --> 00:16:49,191
how dim their lives are
392
00:16:49,224 --> 00:16:50,326
by comparison.
393
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:51,694
Congratulations, Jimmy.
394
00:16:51,727 --> 00:16:55,331
Unaccepted. This is attempted
criminal derailment.
395
00:16:55,365 --> 00:16:57,833
I don't know what you're
saying, but it sounds jerky.
396
00:16:57,867 --> 00:16:59,301
Yeah, and I'll be sure
to return the favor
397
00:16:59,335 --> 00:17:01,303
and sabotage
your eventual attempt
398
00:17:01,337 --> 00:17:03,473
to do something useful
with your life like
399
00:17:03,506 --> 00:17:05,207
finish your GED
400
00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:06,776
or dance
in your adult tap recital.
401
00:17:06,809 --> 00:17:09,211
It's Afro-funk fusion.
402
00:17:09,244 --> 00:17:10,346
Listen here, buster.
403
00:17:10,380 --> 00:17:11,781
Lindsay is my bride,
404
00:17:11,814 --> 00:17:13,716
she's pregnant
with my offspring,
405
00:17:13,749 --> 00:17:15,818
and she deserves respect!
406
00:17:15,851 --> 00:17:18,521
You love him.
407
00:17:18,554 --> 00:17:20,556
(laughs):
It worked.
408
00:17:20,590 --> 00:17:22,157
Apologize.
409
00:17:22,191 --> 00:17:23,559
I will do you one better.
410
00:17:23,593 --> 00:17:26,228
I'm gonna go downstairs
and get my heckle file.
411
00:17:26,261 --> 00:17:27,963
And after I put you all
in your place,
412
00:17:27,997 --> 00:17:29,298
once and for all,
413
00:17:29,331 --> 00:17:30,533
I'll be free
to get to work,
414
00:17:30,566 --> 00:17:34,069
sans distractions.
415
00:17:34,103 --> 00:17:35,471
Yes.
GRETCHEN:
Okay, everybody.
416
00:17:35,505 --> 00:17:38,173
Clock is ticking.
Let's rip off the Band-Aid.
417
00:17:38,207 --> 00:17:40,910
Mm, we're going home.
Vernon?
418
00:17:40,943 --> 00:17:42,478
But I want to get heckled.
419
00:17:42,512 --> 00:17:44,079
Fine, you can Uber home.
420
00:17:44,113 --> 00:17:46,982
But only
the cheap carpool one.
421
00:17:47,016 --> 00:17:48,384
I can't wait
to see him cry.
422
00:17:48,418 --> 00:17:49,985
(British accent):
Oh, no, me Da.
423
00:17:50,019 --> 00:17:51,186
Go tell him, Gretchen!
424
00:17:51,220 --> 00:17:52,321
No, Edgar's
gonna do it.
425
00:17:52,354 --> 00:17:53,823
Remember?
426
00:17:53,856 --> 00:17:55,024
I-I can't.
427
00:17:55,057 --> 00:17:56,158
Just do it!
428
00:17:56,191 --> 00:17:57,393
I'm dealing
with some major shit.
429
00:17:59,028 --> 00:18:02,865
Delivering tragic news
is a kind of service.
430
00:18:02,898 --> 00:18:04,934
To sacrifice
your own comfort
431
00:18:04,967 --> 00:18:07,503
so they can have
the gift of truth?
432
00:18:07,537 --> 00:18:09,338
That is true nobility.
433
00:18:09,371 --> 00:18:11,574
Like when I was born dead,
434
00:18:11,607 --> 00:18:13,743
I vividly remember the pain
in the doctor's voice
435
00:18:13,776 --> 00:18:17,112
when he told my parents, "I have
good news and I have bad news.
436
00:18:17,146 --> 00:18:18,748
"The good news--
437
00:18:18,781 --> 00:18:20,550
"it's a boy
and he's hella hung.
438
00:18:20,583 --> 00:18:23,118
Bad news--
dude's dead."
439
00:18:24,253 --> 00:18:26,088
You're right.
440
00:18:26,121 --> 00:18:28,290
Jimmy deserves
to know the truth.
441
00:18:28,323 --> 00:18:29,391
Thank you.
You're a hero.
442
00:18:29,425 --> 00:18:30,860
Now, get down there.
443
00:18:30,893 --> 00:18:33,763
Ooh, and remind him
about the cruise afterwards.
444
00:18:33,796 --> 00:18:35,465
Oh, no, wait.
445
00:18:35,498 --> 00:18:37,299
Maybe it's too early.
446
00:18:37,332 --> 00:18:38,901
Yeah, hold it.
447
00:18:38,934 --> 00:18:40,235
Go!
448
00:18:47,009 --> 00:18:49,178
(chuckles)
449
00:18:51,447 --> 00:18:54,149
More like dim...
(laughs)
450
00:18:54,183 --> 00:18:55,951
Hey, Jimmy.
451
00:18:55,985 --> 00:18:58,220
I'm afraid some of these heckles
are a bit out of date.
452
00:18:58,253 --> 00:19:01,123
"Paul, nice It's Pat cosplay.
453
00:19:01,156 --> 00:19:03,258
"Edgar, I liked you better
when you
454
00:19:03,292 --> 00:19:05,828
"writing and starring in the hit
musical In the Heights.
455
00:19:05,861 --> 00:19:07,329
"Becca,
456
00:19:07,362 --> 00:19:08,998
"heaven must be
missing an angel,
457
00:19:09,031 --> 00:19:11,266
"because an angel
saw your stupid face
458
00:19:11,300 --> 00:19:13,168
and blew its brains out."
(laughs)
459
00:19:13,202 --> 00:19:15,437
That one's evergreen.
460
00:19:15,471 --> 00:19:18,574
Uh, so you know how, uh,
people come into your lives
461
00:19:18,608 --> 00:19:21,110
and, and they touch you?
462
00:19:22,344 --> 00:19:24,647
Is this about you
being molested?
463
00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:26,348
Boo-hoo.
464
00:19:26,381 --> 00:19:28,250
Every neighborhood
had a handsy fishmonger.
465
00:19:28,283 --> 00:19:29,652
No, Jimmy,
466
00:19:29,685 --> 00:19:31,420
it's about your father.
467
00:19:31,453 --> 00:19:34,456
Has Gretchen been
infecting you with her therapy?
468
00:19:34,490 --> 00:19:38,260
See, unlike Gretchen,
my father is a non-entity
469
00:19:38,293 --> 00:19:40,863
in my life.
If this is about anything,
470
00:19:40,896 --> 00:19:43,465
it's about my need
to disprove the notion
471
00:19:43,499 --> 00:19:45,535
that at the core
I'm just shit,
472
00:19:45,568 --> 00:19:48,237
which all started
when I was a kid and--
473
00:19:49,972 --> 00:19:51,607
Oh, my God.
474
00:19:51,641 --> 00:19:53,509
This is about my father.
475
00:19:53,543 --> 00:19:55,545
Yeah, okay, see...
No wonder I can't take
476
00:19:55,578 --> 00:19:57,379
a moment to enjoy my triumph.
477
00:19:57,412 --> 00:19:59,649
I-I wouldn't...
He's my true enemy!
478
00:19:59,682 --> 00:20:03,619
Instead of heckling my friends,
I am gonna call that old twat
479
00:20:03,653 --> 00:20:05,054
and tear him to pieces.
Uh, no, no, J-Jimmy!
480
00:20:05,087 --> 00:20:06,355
Thanks, Edgar.
Do not do that.
481
00:20:06,388 --> 00:20:08,524
This is the first good idea
you've ever had.
482
00:20:08,558 --> 00:20:10,025
Oh, no, Bing Bong!
483
00:20:10,059 --> 00:20:11,561
Bing Bong!
484
00:20:11,594 --> 00:20:13,563
Dad...
485
00:20:13,596 --> 00:20:15,698
Oh, no.
Oh, this is bad.
486
00:20:15,731 --> 00:20:17,199
This is bad.
487
00:20:17,232 --> 00:20:18,400
Is he crying?
488
00:20:18,433 --> 00:20:20,636
It's really snotty
and moany, isn't it?
489
00:20:20,670 --> 00:20:21,704
Bye!
490
00:20:21,737 --> 00:20:23,172
I'm gonna move to Arizona
491
00:20:23,205 --> 00:20:24,674
and sell turquoise jewelry.
No!
492
00:20:24,707 --> 00:20:25,908
He's gonna call his dad!
493
00:20:25,941 --> 00:20:26,909
Wait, wait!
You didn't tell him?!
494
00:20:26,942 --> 00:20:28,077
Not at all.
495
00:20:28,110 --> 00:20:29,344
Holy crap!
496
00:20:29,378 --> 00:20:30,512
We have to stop him.
497
00:20:30,546 --> 00:20:32,314
Or maybe we don't.
498
00:20:32,347 --> 00:20:33,415
Think it through.
499
00:20:33,448 --> 00:20:35,851
One of the trash-bag sisters
picks up.
500
00:20:35,885 --> 00:20:37,186
Confusion,
confusion.
501
00:20:37,219 --> 00:20:38,320
(British accent):
Oy, ya daft fart.
502
00:20:38,353 --> 00:20:39,589
We sent the obit.
Da's dead.
503
00:20:39,622 --> 00:20:41,423
And boom!
A couple of weeks from now,
504
00:20:41,456 --> 00:20:43,659
I have a tan line
shaped like Grumpy Cat,
505
00:20:43,693 --> 00:20:46,929
because she's been sitting
on my lap on the cruise deck...
506
00:20:46,962 --> 00:20:49,599
Gretchen, you don't get
to be in charge anymore!
507
00:20:49,632 --> 00:20:50,733
What?
You can't do that.
508
00:20:50,766 --> 00:20:52,401
My man takes charge.
509
00:20:52,434 --> 00:20:56,005
Everyone who's not currently
on hobble sticks,
510
00:20:56,038 --> 00:20:59,742
go down there and stop him
from calling his dead father!
511
00:20:59,775 --> 00:21:02,444
A ghost picks up the phone,
I'm gonna shit my pants.
512
00:21:09,785 --> 00:21:11,020
EDGAR:
Oh, God.
513
00:21:11,053 --> 00:21:12,021
We're too late.
514
00:21:12,054 --> 00:21:13,255
Shh, what's he saying?
515
00:21:13,288 --> 00:21:15,290
Hey, Ronny,
it's your son.
516
00:21:15,324 --> 00:21:16,391
You're probably at the pub
517
00:21:16,425 --> 00:21:18,460
passed out
in your stool over
518
00:21:18,493 --> 00:21:21,430
a half-eaten scotch
egg in lard sauce,
519
00:21:21,463 --> 00:21:24,166
but I just wanted
to let you know...
520
00:21:27,970 --> 00:21:30,005
I sold a book, Daddy.
521
00:21:34,109 --> 00:21:35,878
(phone beeps)
522
00:21:35,911 --> 00:21:37,947
Good luck.
523
00:21:50,425 --> 00:21:52,828
Thanks for sticking up
for me earlier.
524
00:21:52,862 --> 00:21:54,296
Of course.
525
00:21:54,329 --> 00:21:55,530
That's my job.
526
00:21:57,967 --> 00:21:59,935
I love you.
527
00:21:59,969 --> 00:22:02,504
(laughs)
528
00:22:02,537 --> 00:22:04,339
Ow...
529
00:22:04,373 --> 00:22:06,842
I think my wound
is weeping again.
530
00:22:13,182 --> 00:22:14,784
Hey, dude?
531
00:22:14,817 --> 00:22:17,753
Can I give you my profesh
medical opinion?
532
00:22:17,787 --> 00:22:20,122
Yeah.
533
00:22:20,155 --> 00:22:21,957
You need some help.
534
00:22:21,991 --> 00:22:24,393
I know.
535
00:22:28,197 --> 00:22:30,565
(playing "Taps")
536
00:22:45,681 --> 00:22:47,917
(bottles clank)
537
00:22:49,084 --> 00:22:51,520
("Taps" continues in distance)
538
00:22:55,324 --> 00:22:57,626
Hey, um...
(clears his throat)
539
00:22:57,659 --> 00:22:59,661
Just got off the phone
with my father.
540
00:22:59,695 --> 00:23:01,296
Sure gave it to old Ronny.
541
00:23:01,330 --> 00:23:03,733
First, I jabbed him
about his illiteracy
542
00:23:03,766 --> 00:23:05,901
and then his pulmonary
oxygen absorption rate.
543
00:23:05,935 --> 00:23:07,703
Jimmy, your dad died.
544
00:23:07,737 --> 00:23:09,705
Yeah, when I heckled him
so hard.
545
00:23:09,739 --> 00:23:12,207
This came in the mail.
I'm so sorry!
546
00:23:37,466 --> 00:23:40,269
(quietly):
I'm just gonna...
547
00:23:40,302 --> 00:23:42,537
*
548
00:23:49,111 --> 00:23:52,047
* I'm taking off
549
00:23:52,081 --> 00:23:54,383
* I've closed the door
550
00:23:54,416 --> 00:23:57,219
* As cold as stone
551
00:23:57,252 --> 00:23:59,554
* Can't take no more
552
00:23:59,588 --> 00:24:01,757
* To be alone
553
00:24:01,791 --> 00:24:04,226
* Is where I go
554
00:24:04,259 --> 00:24:06,395
* I choose to walk
555
00:24:06,428 --> 00:24:08,263
* This lonely road
556
00:24:08,297 --> 00:24:11,400
* Change the flow
557
00:24:11,433 --> 00:24:16,405
* 'Cause I need
the space to grow *
558
00:24:17,807 --> 00:24:21,610
* Hope you'll know
559
00:24:21,643 --> 00:24:25,580
* I will find my way back...
560
00:24:31,520 --> 00:24:34,523
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