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1
00:00:20,001 --> 00:00:23,838
(Gretchen moaning,
Jimmy panting)
2
00:00:23,872 --> 00:00:27,409
Oh, God. Oh, shit!
3
00:00:27,442 --> 00:00:29,644
Uh-huh.
(moans)
4
00:00:29,678 --> 00:00:31,546
I'm gonna come!
I'm gonna come!
5
00:00:31,580 --> 00:00:32,981
Um...
I'm gonna come.
6
00:00:33,014 --> 00:00:34,483
Why do you always announce it?
7
00:00:34,516 --> 00:00:36,651
What?
You always announce it.
8
00:00:36,685 --> 00:00:38,320
I do?
Always.
9
00:00:38,353 --> 00:00:39,388
I don't know.
I guess I just want
10
00:00:39,421 --> 00:00:40,755
everyone to be clear that, uh...
11
00:00:40,789 --> 00:00:43,158
That this is Gretchen's moment.
Yeah.
12
00:00:43,192 --> 00:00:44,926
Gretchen has the floor.
13
00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:47,429
(grunting)
14
00:00:47,462 --> 00:00:49,831
(both moaning)
15
00:00:49,864 --> 00:00:52,000
Oh, yeah. Oh, shit.
Oh. Oh, yeah!
16
00:00:52,033 --> 00:00:53,502
I'm gonna...
No! Wait.
17
00:00:53,535 --> 00:00:55,070
Jesus. What?
18
00:00:55,104 --> 00:00:56,405
Gretchen has the floor!
19
00:00:56,438 --> 00:00:57,706
I don't know what to tell you.
20
00:00:57,739 --> 00:01:00,075
We can, you know, both.
21
00:01:00,109 --> 00:01:01,576
Like, at the same time?
22
00:01:01,610 --> 00:01:03,778
Why not?
I don't know.
23
00:01:04,779 --> 00:01:05,780
Will it be scary?
24
00:01:05,814 --> 00:01:07,849
I don't know. It might.
(moans)
25
00:01:07,882 --> 00:01:09,951
Wait, I can't...
I can't stop it.
Oh, me neither.
26
00:01:09,984 --> 00:01:12,354
I can't stop it. (moaning)
Here I...
27
00:01:12,387 --> 00:01:15,023
(shouting)
28
00:01:15,056 --> 00:01:16,591
(laughs)
29
00:01:16,625 --> 00:01:18,960
(chuckling, panting)
30
00:01:18,993 --> 00:01:22,597
(both panting)
31
00:01:22,631 --> 00:01:25,267
You were so quiet.
32
00:01:25,300 --> 00:01:27,202
You had the floor.
33
00:01:27,236 --> 00:01:28,470
Aw.
34
00:01:28,503 --> 00:01:30,239
(chuckling)
35
00:01:32,507 --> 00:01:34,276
*
36
00:01:37,446 --> 00:01:40,249
* I'm gonna leave you anyway
37
00:01:40,282 --> 00:01:43,051
* I'm gonna leave you
anyway *
38
00:01:43,084 --> 00:01:46,321
* Gonna leave you anyway.
39
00:01:52,527 --> 00:01:53,995
Ow!
40
00:01:54,028 --> 00:01:55,330
Oh, stop.
41
00:01:55,364 --> 00:01:57,065
It's a soft case.
42
00:01:57,098 --> 00:01:59,568
(groans)
43
00:01:59,601 --> 00:02:01,770
I'm gonna take a shower.
44
00:02:01,803 --> 00:02:04,273
Might take a second.
I'm gonna wash my legs.
45
00:02:04,306 --> 00:02:06,441
You mean shave your legs?
No.
46
00:02:06,475 --> 00:02:08,777
I'm sorry?
47
00:02:08,810 --> 00:02:12,113
Implying that you don't
usually wash your legs?
48
00:02:12,147 --> 00:02:13,315
No.
49
00:02:13,348 --> 00:02:14,516
You don't wash your legs?
50
00:02:14,549 --> 00:02:16,585
No way. What am I, a sucker?
51
00:02:16,618 --> 00:02:19,521
What, you take showers,
and you don't wash your legs?
52
00:02:19,554 --> 00:02:23,292
What am I gonna do, like,
bend down and wash my legs?
53
00:02:23,325 --> 00:02:24,693
Who has the time?
54
00:02:24,726 --> 00:02:28,630
Yesterday, you spent
two hours drawing a maze.
55
00:02:28,663 --> 00:02:31,666
Yeah. And how do you think I had
time to draw that sick-ass maze?
56
00:02:31,700 --> 00:02:33,602
No wonder you haven't
finished your book, Jimbo.
57
00:02:33,635 --> 00:02:35,770
Too busy washing
your legs.
58
00:02:35,804 --> 00:02:39,274
Yeah, it's book proposal.
And it's nearly done.
59
00:02:39,308 --> 00:02:41,376
Hey, I forgot
to mention!
60
00:02:41,410 --> 00:02:44,045
Sam and the boys are having a
big secret reunion show tonight.
61
00:02:44,078 --> 00:02:45,814
You want to come?
Nope.
62
00:02:45,847 --> 00:02:47,015
It's a really important night.
63
00:02:48,016 --> 00:02:50,118
Free booze.
Yeah, I'll be there.
64
00:02:50,151 --> 00:02:52,053
Mm. Love you.
65
00:02:53,922 --> 00:02:57,125
What did you say?
66
00:02:57,158 --> 00:02:59,361
Oh, my God,
are you serious?
67
00:02:59,394 --> 00:03:01,129
W-We said it.
68
00:03:01,162 --> 00:03:04,399
No way! I didn't say it!
69
00:03:04,433 --> 00:03:06,167
Uh, the night of Becca
and Vernon's party.
70
00:03:06,201 --> 00:03:08,570
We both said...
You said it first!
71
00:03:08,603 --> 00:03:10,472
I was blackout drunk!
72
00:03:10,505 --> 00:03:12,140
Why would you take anything
I said seriously?
I seriously think
73
00:03:12,173 --> 00:03:14,409
that you may have
a drinking problem.
I don't have a problem.
74
00:03:14,443 --> 00:03:16,578
You know what, I'm not
gonna let this bother me.
Maybe you have
75
00:03:16,611 --> 00:03:19,514
a "believing things
drunk people say" problem.
76
00:03:19,548 --> 00:03:23,151
I told you, from the beginning,
I don't believe in it.
77
00:03:23,184 --> 00:03:25,520
But you said it.
I might also have said
78
00:03:25,554 --> 00:03:27,889
that I don't have an opinion
on your pubic hair,
79
00:03:27,922 --> 00:03:29,724
or that I was gonna help
Edgar with his résumé.
80
00:03:29,758 --> 00:03:31,092
Doesn't make them true.
81
00:03:32,694 --> 00:03:35,196
(door opens, slams)
82
00:03:43,905 --> 00:03:46,174
Babe.
83
00:03:46,207 --> 00:03:48,443
Babe?
84
00:03:48,477 --> 00:03:50,279
Dude with his face
in my business.
85
00:03:50,312 --> 00:03:52,914
EDGAR:
Uh, what's the matter?
86
00:03:52,947 --> 00:03:56,385
Just, um, you've been doing that
for, like, a half hour.
87
00:03:56,418 --> 00:03:59,254
Uh, uh, attention to detail.
It's an Army thing...
88
00:03:59,288 --> 00:04:00,889
When are you gonna
do me already?
89
00:04:00,922 --> 00:04:04,593
I like making you feel good.
90
00:04:04,626 --> 00:04:06,227
Is this your way of apologizing
91
00:04:06,261 --> 00:04:08,363
for backing out of
moving in together?
92
00:04:08,397 --> 00:04:10,565
If so, forgiven.
93
00:04:10,599 --> 00:04:13,735
Anyway, who am I
to look a gift... whore?
94
00:04:13,768 --> 00:04:15,904
Gift head?
Gift mouth in the mouth.
95
00:04:15,937 --> 00:04:17,406
There it is.
96
00:04:19,308 --> 00:04:20,275
(sighs)
97
00:04:20,309 --> 00:04:22,010
Okay.
98
00:04:25,246 --> 00:04:27,282
(moans softly)
99
00:04:27,316 --> 00:04:29,718
NARRATOR (over TV): For Mary,
it was one argument too many.
100
00:04:29,751 --> 00:04:31,252
PAUL:
Lindsay!
101
00:04:31,286 --> 00:04:32,987
(characters shouting over TV)
102
00:04:33,021 --> 00:04:34,789
Lindsay,
come out here!
103
00:04:34,823 --> 00:04:37,091
MAN:
Your mother cannot stay indef...
104
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:42,096
Oh. Okay, let me go put on
my biking Spanx.
105
00:04:42,130 --> 00:04:45,334
No, honey. You don't understand.
106
00:04:45,367 --> 00:04:47,836
(car approaching)
107
00:04:50,372 --> 00:04:52,341
(tires screech, horn honks)
108
00:04:52,374 --> 00:04:55,076
Being back in this house,
I realized
109
00:04:55,109 --> 00:04:57,245
I created a life apart from you.
110
00:04:57,278 --> 00:04:59,113
All my hobbies,
111
00:04:59,147 --> 00:05:00,615
my Internet activity,
my secret bank account...
112
00:05:00,649 --> 00:05:01,916
Your what now?
113
00:05:01,950 --> 00:05:05,687
All these separate things
created malignant distance
114
00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:08,990
between us.
115
00:05:09,023 --> 00:05:11,693
LINDSAY: You're throwing away
all your nerd stuff?
116
00:05:11,726 --> 00:05:14,963
From this moment on,
my sole focus
117
00:05:14,996 --> 00:05:18,367
will be on things
we can do together.
118
00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:19,668
(Lindsay gasps)
119
00:05:19,701 --> 00:05:22,837
(squeals, giggles)
120
00:05:22,871 --> 00:05:25,440
Ah-ah-ah.
121
00:05:25,474 --> 00:05:27,709
I have a very special evening
planned.
122
00:05:27,742 --> 00:05:29,844
My special night?
Tonight,
123
00:05:29,878 --> 00:05:32,280
we launch our life,
truly together.
124
00:05:32,313 --> 00:05:34,115
As a family.
125
00:05:34,148 --> 00:05:36,184
Family.
126
00:05:36,217 --> 00:05:38,653
*
127
00:05:44,325 --> 00:05:46,661
(sizzling)
128
00:05:50,198 --> 00:05:51,900
EDGAR:
Breakfast...
129
00:05:51,933 --> 00:05:53,234
tots.
130
00:05:53,267 --> 00:05:56,471
This is completely...
131
00:05:56,505 --> 00:05:57,906
brilliant.
132
00:05:57,939 --> 00:06:00,742
Why have you just thought
of these now?
133
00:06:00,775 --> 00:06:02,977
I'm more creative
when I'm upset.
134
00:06:03,011 --> 00:06:04,446
Oh.
135
00:06:07,516 --> 00:06:09,150
I have a problem.
136
00:06:09,183 --> 00:06:12,186
Mm. Having a problem is
your defining characteristic.
137
00:06:12,220 --> 00:06:16,090
No, I have a real
problem. Um...
138
00:06:16,124 --> 00:06:19,093
ever since they switched
some of my meds, I've been...
139
00:06:19,127 --> 00:06:20,895
having a little trouble
in the bedroom.
140
00:06:20,929 --> 00:06:23,565
What, night screamings?
Sleep-to-rage?
141
00:06:23,598 --> 00:06:25,767
Waking up thinking,
"Why am I here?
142
00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:28,069
Oh, right. Yeah,
I'm freeloading off Jimmy."
143
00:06:28,102 --> 00:06:30,872
No. Bed-room.
144
00:06:31,940 --> 00:06:35,209
Oh, my God! Jesus, man.
Are you serious?
145
00:06:35,243 --> 00:06:37,211
It's not like
nothing happens,
146
00:06:37,245 --> 00:06:39,514
but more like it
starts to happen,
147
00:06:39,548 --> 00:06:41,916
then it gets halfway
there and is like...
148
00:06:41,950 --> 00:06:43,952
(dopey voice): "Nope,
I'm going back to bed."
149
00:06:43,985 --> 00:06:47,956
I've gone years now successfully
never picturing your penis.
150
00:06:47,989 --> 00:06:50,792
And now... there it is.
151
00:06:52,427 --> 00:06:54,395
Just maybe try to...
152
00:06:54,429 --> 00:06:57,298
kink it back into
working order, huh?
153
00:06:57,331 --> 00:07:00,034
What have you two tried? Latex?
154
00:07:00,068 --> 00:07:01,269
Smooshing?
155
00:07:01,302 --> 00:07:02,804
Medical play?
Size training?
156
00:07:02,837 --> 00:07:04,372
CFNM? Funneling?
157
00:07:04,405 --> 00:07:05,373
Hazyface?
158
00:07:05,406 --> 00:07:06,541
Clit negging? Ladyboy?
159
00:07:06,575 --> 00:07:09,310
Nothing. Just regular.
160
00:07:09,343 --> 00:07:12,547
Well, then your penis
is clearly bored to death.
161
00:07:12,581 --> 00:07:14,215
Just try something.
162
00:07:14,248 --> 00:07:16,050
Maybe start with some light
163
00:07:16,084 --> 00:07:17,552
role-playing.
164
00:07:17,586 --> 00:07:19,087
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna try
165
00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:22,090
and finish my breakfast without
thinking about your penis.
166
00:07:22,123 --> 00:07:24,125
Béchamel?
Uh, I'm done.
167
00:07:30,765 --> 00:07:33,234
(bluesy rock music playing)
168
00:07:33,267 --> 00:07:35,069
One, two, three.
I already have...
169
00:07:35,103 --> 00:07:36,571
Mm?
170
00:07:36,605 --> 00:07:38,006
Okay.
171
00:07:40,174 --> 00:07:42,611
Let's do Lemon Drops next.
172
00:07:42,644 --> 00:07:43,912
Don't you have work?
173
00:07:43,945 --> 00:07:45,413
(scoffs) Have you
seen what I do?
174
00:07:45,446 --> 00:07:47,415
Now that you mention it,
I've never known.
175
00:07:47,448 --> 00:07:50,418
How does it work?
Like, with Sam. Who pays you?
176
00:07:50,451 --> 00:07:52,186
The company for
which I work.
177
00:07:52,220 --> 00:07:54,455
A company hired you?
178
00:07:54,489 --> 00:07:57,992
They interviewed you
and then offered you a job?
179
00:07:59,794 --> 00:08:01,262
(groans)
180
00:08:01,295 --> 00:08:04,032
Ooh, let's try cosmos
next, like ladies.
181
00:08:04,065 --> 00:08:05,466
Cosmos. (chuckles)
182
00:08:05,500 --> 00:08:07,268
Why are you asking
me questions?
183
00:08:07,301 --> 00:08:09,203
It's just funny.
184
00:08:09,237 --> 00:08:11,205
With this
insane revelation that,
185
00:08:11,239 --> 00:08:14,008
for some reason,
you don't wash your legs.
186
00:08:14,042 --> 00:08:15,544
No need.
Water falls on them.
187
00:08:15,577 --> 00:08:16,845
Oh, my God.
188
00:08:16,878 --> 00:08:19,113
Anyway, had you not
said anything,
189
00:08:19,147 --> 00:08:21,482
I might have never known
this fact.
190
00:08:21,516 --> 00:08:23,184
So? Chug.
191
00:08:23,217 --> 00:08:26,955
So? The unknowable
is terrifying, Gretchen.
192
00:08:26,988 --> 00:08:29,624
That's why humanity explores.
193
00:08:29,658 --> 00:08:31,459
To shine a light
194
00:08:31,492 --> 00:08:33,962
on the frightening dark
that surrounds us.
195
00:08:33,995 --> 00:08:37,632
Thus, immediately upon learning
that you don't wash your legs--
196
00:08:37,666 --> 00:08:39,534
itself unimportant--
197
00:08:39,568 --> 00:08:43,972
I'm now thrust into wondering:
what else don't I know?
198
00:08:44,005 --> 00:08:46,675
About me? Ooh, okay.
199
00:08:46,708 --> 00:08:48,910
Um, I dated two
of the Baldwins.
200
00:08:48,943 --> 00:08:52,881
I competed in the U.S. Teen
Nationals for show jumping.
201
00:08:52,914 --> 00:08:54,816
In horsery?
Yes, horsery.
202
00:08:54,849 --> 00:08:55,750
For ten months,
203
00:08:55,784 --> 00:08:56,851
I did ink work
204
00:08:56,885 --> 00:08:57,852
for a professional
counterfeiter.
205
00:08:57,886 --> 00:08:59,921
I've never eaten
a blueberry.
206
00:08:59,954 --> 00:09:01,990
They are doll eyes.
Think about it.
207
00:09:02,023 --> 00:09:04,025
Drink.
208
00:09:05,059 --> 00:09:07,328
How do I not know
any of this?
209
00:09:07,361 --> 00:09:08,496
(sighs)
210
00:09:08,529 --> 00:09:10,164
I can't do a cartwheel.
211
00:09:10,198 --> 00:09:11,833
An owl tried to kill
me at Bible camp.
212
00:09:11,866 --> 00:09:13,234
What?
Big sumbitch.
213
00:09:13,267 --> 00:09:15,103
Sluiced right through
the night air,
214
00:09:15,136 --> 00:09:17,505
silent as shit.
(whooshes)
215
00:09:17,538 --> 00:09:19,073
I think there's still a scar
if you want...
No, no, no, no.
216
00:09:19,107 --> 00:09:20,408
What kind of camp did you say?
217
00:09:20,441 --> 00:09:22,443
Bible camp. See,
my real problem is
218
00:09:22,476 --> 00:09:24,613
I was wearing a headband with
a cute little mouse on it.
219
00:09:24,646 --> 00:09:26,280
Gretchen, are you religious?
220
00:09:26,314 --> 00:09:27,949
No!
(sighs)
221
00:09:27,982 --> 00:09:30,151
I consider myself
more generally spiritual.
222
00:09:31,586 --> 00:09:33,588
Drink.
223
00:09:35,624 --> 00:09:38,026
Whew! I am hammered!
224
00:09:38,059 --> 00:09:40,028
Are you hammered?
225
00:09:40,061 --> 00:09:41,763
You're the best.
226
00:09:41,796 --> 00:09:43,598
I'm so glad you're
my boyfriend.
227
00:09:43,632 --> 00:09:46,267
Mm.
Look, I know we
weren't gonna say it,
228
00:09:46,300 --> 00:09:48,536
but... screw it.
229
00:09:48,569 --> 00:09:50,404
I love you, Jimmy.
230
00:09:50,438 --> 00:09:52,273
I love you.
I knew it.
231
00:09:52,306 --> 00:09:53,574
Psyche! Nice try, dummy.
232
00:09:53,608 --> 00:09:54,876
I've had five shots.
233
00:09:54,909 --> 00:09:57,445
I could fly a plane
after five shots. Bye.
234
00:10:01,149 --> 00:10:03,551
He doesn't remember saying it.
Little punk-ass bitch.
235
00:10:03,584 --> 00:10:06,320
I've done tons of stuff
drunk, and it all counts:
236
00:10:06,354 --> 00:10:09,223
my wedding,
driving school,
237
00:10:09,257 --> 00:10:10,959
all my dentist
appointments.
238
00:10:10,992 --> 00:10:14,395
Getting vag-fected by Paul's
wriggly little jizz monsters?
239
00:10:14,428 --> 00:10:16,064
Ow! No! Ow!
240
00:10:16,097 --> 00:10:17,799
Don't pinch me!
We are having this baby!
241
00:10:17,832 --> 00:10:19,433
It's a fresh start.
Stop!
242
00:10:19,467 --> 00:10:20,301
You bitch!
Quit it!
243
00:10:20,334 --> 00:10:22,303
Stop it!
244
00:10:22,336 --> 00:10:24,072
We're supposed to be
having a meeting
245
00:10:24,105 --> 00:10:26,407
about the secret
reunion show tonight.
246
00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:27,575
You're early.
247
00:10:27,608 --> 00:10:28,643
It's still my
lunch hour.
248
00:10:30,879 --> 00:10:32,313
I will eat those later.
249
00:10:32,346 --> 00:10:33,547
You're not
having this baby.
250
00:10:34,482 --> 00:10:35,850
(gasps)
251
00:10:35,884 --> 00:10:39,487
Unfortunately, being keenly
in tune with the human condition
252
00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:41,289
means that after hearing
this idiotic shit
253
00:10:41,322 --> 00:10:42,757
for the past ten minutes,
254
00:10:42,791 --> 00:10:44,458
I have thoughts.
Bitch,
255
00:10:44,492 --> 00:10:45,860
he does not love you.
256
00:10:45,894 --> 00:10:46,995
Oh, goddamn it!
257
00:10:47,028 --> 00:10:47,996
SAM:
When you say
258
00:10:48,029 --> 00:10:49,463
"I love you,"
259
00:10:49,497 --> 00:10:52,633
it's supposed to be
romantic and/or highly
260
00:10:52,667 --> 00:10:53,968
sexual.
261
00:10:54,002 --> 00:10:55,369
Or when you're so overwhelmed
262
00:10:55,403 --> 00:10:56,805
by what perfection
is in front of you...
263
00:10:56,838 --> 00:10:59,207
If you say the word
"Jaclyn" one more time,
264
00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:01,609
I will gag you with that
raggedy-ass bandanna!
265
00:11:01,642 --> 00:11:03,144
I've never loved anyone.
266
00:11:03,177 --> 00:11:05,346
I guess it's because I never
felt worthy of love in return.
267
00:11:05,379 --> 00:11:09,150
Be the CEO of your own life,
Gretch.
268
00:11:09,183 --> 00:11:10,952
Don't wait for no one
to say it to you.
269
00:11:10,985 --> 00:11:13,822
Every morning in the mirror,
I purse my pillow lips up
270
00:11:13,855 --> 00:11:16,557
and stare into my apple juice
eyes, and I be like,
271
00:11:16,590 --> 00:11:18,292
"I love you.
272
00:11:18,326 --> 00:11:20,628
"I love you, Sam.
273
00:11:20,661 --> 00:11:22,630
I love you!"
274
00:11:22,663 --> 00:11:23,631
(exhales)
275
00:11:23,664 --> 00:11:25,233
"Apple juice eyes"?
276
00:11:25,266 --> 00:11:27,401
Don't be trying to play
like they ain't rich,
277
00:11:27,435 --> 00:11:29,137
delicious, apple juice.
278
00:11:29,170 --> 00:11:31,372
That's why no one loves you.
279
00:11:32,907 --> 00:11:34,642
Anyway, dudes don't
say it with words,
280
00:11:34,675 --> 00:11:35,944
they say it with actions.
281
00:11:37,111 --> 00:11:38,847
Other bitch,
get out of here.
282
00:11:40,749 --> 00:11:42,650
We got to talk
about the show.
283
00:11:42,683 --> 00:11:44,352
I am all over it, Sam.
284
00:11:44,385 --> 00:11:46,020
I have a press release
ready to go.
285
00:11:46,054 --> 00:11:47,121
It's a secret show!
286
00:11:48,122 --> 00:11:49,190
No press release.
287
00:11:49,223 --> 00:11:50,725
No industry whispers.
288
00:11:50,759 --> 00:11:54,929
Um... then how will
people find out about it?
289
00:11:54,963 --> 00:11:58,666
Real ballers' fans find out
clandestine style and shit.
290
00:11:58,699 --> 00:12:00,101
Fetty Wap at the El Rey.
291
00:12:00,134 --> 00:12:02,236
Schoolboy Q on the roof
of The Standard.
292
00:12:02,270 --> 00:12:04,672
Young Thug at Sufjan Steven's
broth restaurant.
293
00:12:04,705 --> 00:12:06,507
No press. All packed.
294
00:12:06,540 --> 00:12:08,609
Okay, but that's not
actually how it works.
295
00:12:08,642 --> 00:12:10,611
Gretch! No!
296
00:12:10,644 --> 00:12:12,680
It has to be pure.
297
00:12:12,713 --> 00:12:14,248
It's a point of pride.
298
00:12:14,282 --> 00:12:16,650
Prove to the world
we ain't never slipped.
299
00:12:17,886 --> 00:12:19,888
(knocking)
Hello?
300
00:12:20,889 --> 00:12:22,123
Hi.
301
00:12:22,156 --> 00:12:23,858
I was just
babysitting next door,
302
00:12:23,892 --> 00:12:27,528
and I got bored watching
Hulu, like we millennials do.
303
00:12:27,561 --> 00:12:29,864
Oh, hi. Come in.
304
00:12:29,898 --> 00:12:32,600
Geez, nice place.
305
00:12:32,633 --> 00:12:35,703
Reminds me of my
piano teacher's house.
306
00:12:35,736 --> 00:12:38,206
Sometimes we sit too close
to each other on the bench,
307
00:12:38,239 --> 00:12:40,141
and our
side-butts touch.
308
00:12:40,174 --> 00:12:42,310
It's ac... it's actually
my friend Jimmy's house.
309
00:12:42,343 --> 00:12:43,945
He let me sleep here
because I was homeless...
310
00:12:43,978 --> 00:12:45,379
Dude, this is fantasy.
311
00:12:45,413 --> 00:12:46,781
Oh, right. Uh...
(scoffs)
312
00:12:46,815 --> 00:12:48,216
Yeah, this is my house.
313
00:12:48,249 --> 00:12:50,952
Which I bought
with a mortgage... money loan.
314
00:12:50,985 --> 00:12:53,654
Yeah, well, I just moved
to town to be a YouTube star.
315
00:12:53,687 --> 00:12:56,490
Don't you love my widdle
baby voice, Daddy?
316
00:12:56,524 --> 00:12:57,758
Whoa.
317
00:12:57,792 --> 00:12:59,360
Oh, shit. Sorry.
318
00:13:00,862 --> 00:13:03,131
(deep voice):
Hey, troopmate.
319
00:13:03,164 --> 00:13:07,001
What happens in the foxhole
stays in the foxhole, right?
320
00:13:07,035 --> 00:13:09,770
Shit. Sorry. Ugh. I'm not very
good at this, which is weird,
321
00:13:09,804 --> 00:13:12,173
because my character work
is what got me very close
322
00:13:12,206 --> 00:13:15,109
on three different basic cable
hidden camera prank shows.
323
00:13:15,143 --> 00:13:16,010
Let's try again.
324
00:13:16,044 --> 00:13:18,012
No, no. It-It's okay.
325
00:13:18,046 --> 00:13:19,747
Is it me?
326
00:13:19,780 --> 00:13:21,649
Is this because
327
00:13:21,682 --> 00:13:23,284
I farted in front of you
the other day?
328
00:13:23,317 --> 00:13:27,121
Some of my new medications
apparently can have
329
00:13:27,155 --> 00:13:30,758
libido-interfering
characteristics.
330
00:13:30,791 --> 00:13:32,760
Well, can't you just
get them to switch them?
331
00:13:32,793 --> 00:13:34,428
They have been switching them
332
00:13:34,462 --> 00:13:36,797
and switching them and switching
them and switching them.
333
00:13:36,831 --> 00:13:39,033
Well, your body probably
just has to get used to it.
334
00:13:39,067 --> 00:13:41,635
I mean, they wouldn't have you
on something that makes you
335
00:13:41,669 --> 00:13:43,637
unable to have
sex forever.
Of course not.
336
00:13:43,671 --> 00:13:46,207
And, until you figure it out,
there's probably a pill
337
00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:47,842
you could take...
No, I'm not taking
another pill.
338
00:13:47,876 --> 00:13:50,044
I can't keep taking
more pills and more pills
339
00:13:50,078 --> 00:13:51,880
and more pills, okay?
340
00:13:51,913 --> 00:13:53,181
Never mind. I'm sorry.
341
00:13:53,214 --> 00:13:55,216
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
342
00:13:56,851 --> 00:13:59,153
It's just hard.
343
00:13:59,187 --> 00:14:01,355
No, it's not.
(chuckles) Bad, Dorothy.
344
00:14:09,563 --> 00:14:11,565
(record scratching,
hip-hop music playing)
345
00:14:13,868 --> 00:14:16,070
This door list is as white
as your ass!
346
00:14:16,104 --> 00:14:18,672
Where's all the goddamn people
on this bitch, bitch?
347
00:14:18,706 --> 00:14:20,808
You told me not to publicize it!
348
00:14:20,841 --> 00:14:22,676
To normal people, stupid!
349
00:14:22,710 --> 00:14:24,478
Where's all the media dudes
and the influencers?
350
00:14:24,512 --> 00:14:26,814
Our actor and
athlete fans?
351
00:14:26,847 --> 00:14:28,849
Where the hell is CP3
and Marcelo Huertas
352
00:14:28,883 --> 00:14:31,752
and Bradley Cooper?
Bradley Cooper loves us!
353
00:14:31,785 --> 00:14:32,887
We got hella wasted
with dude
354
00:14:32,921 --> 00:14:34,388
backstage of Elephant Man.
355
00:14:34,422 --> 00:14:35,389
You remember that?
Mm-hmm.
356
00:14:35,423 --> 00:14:36,724
Where is Bradley Cooper, Gretch?
357
00:14:36,757 --> 00:14:38,359
Where is Bradley Cooper?!
358
00:14:38,392 --> 00:14:39,994
You forbade me
from inviting anyone!
359
00:14:40,028 --> 00:14:41,896
Not important people!
360
00:14:41,930 --> 00:14:44,665
I hate you! This is sabotage!
361
00:14:44,698 --> 00:14:48,069
Quick! Social media tsunami!
362
00:14:48,102 --> 00:14:49,938
(growling)
363
00:14:49,971 --> 00:14:52,573
(keys clacking)
364
00:14:52,606 --> 00:14:54,708
Yo. What's up, fans?
365
00:14:54,742 --> 00:14:57,578
It's your boy, Sam.
Come down to the Smear, now.
366
00:14:57,611 --> 00:15:00,614
Secret show. Hella shrimps!
367
00:15:00,648 --> 00:15:01,950
I love you.
368
00:15:01,983 --> 00:15:04,085
It's no use.
We only got 20 minutes!
369
00:15:04,118 --> 00:15:06,420
I cannot have snaps
of an empty-ass show
370
00:15:06,454 --> 00:15:08,022
all over the Internet!
371
00:15:08,056 --> 00:15:10,558
Get bodies in here.
372
00:15:10,591 --> 00:15:12,360
I don't care how!
373
00:15:12,393 --> 00:15:13,627
Shit!
374
00:15:13,661 --> 00:15:15,763
(groans loudly)
375
00:15:15,796 --> 00:15:18,099
And don't forget Bradley Cooper!
376
00:15:18,132 --> 00:15:21,069
* Ooh, ooh...
377
00:15:21,102 --> 00:15:22,903
Lindsay.
378
00:15:22,937 --> 00:15:25,139
(chuckles)
379
00:15:25,173 --> 00:15:28,142
You look
positively ethereal.
380
00:15:28,176 --> 00:15:30,644
I am so excited
381
00:15:30,678 --> 00:15:33,881
to open my special prize
and find out
382
00:15:33,914 --> 00:15:36,017
what we're doing
tonight. Hmm?
383
00:15:36,917 --> 00:15:38,686
(squeaks)
384
00:15:42,090 --> 00:15:43,924
"Red Napkin"?
385
00:15:43,958 --> 00:15:45,293
(chuckles)
386
00:15:49,763 --> 00:15:51,399
Paul, this dress
doesn't have a butt.
387
00:15:51,432 --> 00:15:54,102
(chuckles)
It's an apron.
388
00:15:54,135 --> 00:15:55,436
A Napron?
389
00:15:55,469 --> 00:15:58,606
Red Napkin is the finest
in seasonal, pre-portioned meals
390
00:15:58,639 --> 00:16:02,343
delivered fresh, thrice weekly,
that you cook at home together.
391
00:16:02,376 --> 00:16:04,412
My present is cooking?
392
00:16:04,445 --> 00:16:05,746
Cooking as a family.
393
00:16:05,779 --> 00:16:07,982
Family.
394
00:16:08,016 --> 00:16:09,750
You don't seem excited.
I thought you were
395
00:16:09,783 --> 00:16:11,986
taking me out,
like a fun party date.
396
00:16:12,020 --> 00:16:15,089
We can't party anymore.
You're pregnant.
397
00:16:15,123 --> 00:16:16,657
Like we talked about.
398
00:16:16,690 --> 00:16:19,660
This is the next phase
of our life.
399
00:16:19,693 --> 00:16:21,895
And we both want that.
400
00:16:32,673 --> 00:16:35,043
(group singing in Spanish)
401
00:16:53,027 --> 00:16:55,429
(whispering)
402
00:17:36,036 --> 00:17:37,771
Oh.
403
00:18:08,102 --> 00:18:10,604
(crowd murmuring)
404
00:18:17,445 --> 00:18:18,746
(crowd murmuring)
405
00:18:29,623 --> 00:18:31,959
Gracias.
Gracias, mi hija.
406
00:18:31,992 --> 00:18:33,594
(crowd murmuring)
407
00:18:33,627 --> 00:18:35,663
(group singing in Spanish)
408
00:18:35,696 --> 00:18:38,399
You speak Spanish?
409
00:18:38,432 --> 00:18:40,134
Who doesn't speak Spanish?
410
00:18:40,168 --> 00:18:42,303
Me. Edgar.
411
00:18:42,336 --> 00:18:45,072
Look, Jimmy,
if you're that freaked out,
412
00:18:45,105 --> 00:18:48,008
we can just unsay it, okay?
Poof! Unsaid.
413
00:18:48,041 --> 00:18:49,843
I'm not gonna start pretending.
414
00:18:49,877 --> 00:18:51,945
I might as well start pretending
there's a person
415
00:18:51,979 --> 00:18:54,815
who lives in the clouds who
cares whether we survive cancer
416
00:18:54,848 --> 00:18:56,083
or not.
417
00:18:56,116 --> 00:18:58,118
We are strangers,
Gretchen.
418
00:18:58,152 --> 00:18:59,953
Bullshit.
We know each other.
419
00:18:59,987 --> 00:19:01,189
Well, not really.
420
00:19:01,222 --> 00:19:04,792
We live together,
we trust, blindly.
421
00:19:04,825 --> 00:19:07,094
But it's based on what?
It's actual madness,
422
00:19:07,127 --> 00:19:09,997
willingly living with a wild
animal but one with thumbs
423
00:19:10,030 --> 00:19:13,634
who can steal your money
and hurt you emotionally.
424
00:19:13,667 --> 00:19:17,638
So what changed? Why are you
suddenly so freaked out now?
425
00:19:17,671 --> 00:19:19,106
(gasps)
426
00:19:19,139 --> 00:19:20,974
What? I don't like that.
Stop doing that!
427
00:19:21,008 --> 00:19:23,977
That's why you've been asking me
questions all day?
428
00:19:24,011 --> 00:19:25,145
You never cared enough
429
00:19:25,179 --> 00:19:26,614
to ask before.
430
00:19:26,647 --> 00:19:28,015
Sam was right.
431
00:19:28,048 --> 00:19:30,551
You are showing me,
not telling me.
432
00:19:30,584 --> 00:19:33,153
Listen, those words--
433
00:19:33,187 --> 00:19:35,055
they're like a-a
verbal contract.
434
00:19:35,088 --> 00:19:36,724
They're a promise.
435
00:19:36,757 --> 00:19:38,992
And I am not ready
to make that promise.
436
00:19:39,026 --> 00:19:42,330
If "I love you"
is like a promise,
437
00:19:42,363 --> 00:19:45,799
it's just a promise
to, like, try real hard.
438
00:19:45,833 --> 00:19:47,201
Doesn't mean you can't fail.
439
00:19:47,235 --> 00:19:48,669
It doesn't?
440
00:19:48,702 --> 00:19:51,071
Have you met me?
The only way I can stomach
441
00:19:51,104 --> 00:19:53,741
any of this is knowing
I can just bail at any time.
442
00:19:53,774 --> 00:19:55,576
We can just... bail?
443
00:19:55,609 --> 00:19:57,845
Yeah. I always have
one foot out the door.
444
00:19:57,878 --> 00:19:58,879
With everything.
445
00:19:59,947 --> 00:20:01,815
Especially with us.
446
00:20:01,849 --> 00:20:03,851
So you might
just suddenly bounce?
447
00:20:03,884 --> 00:20:05,185
Any minute.
448
00:20:06,186 --> 00:20:07,888
I love you.
449
00:20:07,921 --> 00:20:09,223
Jimmy.
450
00:20:10,591 --> 00:20:11,959
(chuckles)
451
00:20:13,026 --> 00:20:14,595
Come here.
452
00:20:14,628 --> 00:20:15,963
(chuckles)
453
00:20:17,965 --> 00:20:21,269
*
454
00:20:21,302 --> 00:20:22,270
Listen,
455
00:20:22,303 --> 00:20:25,339
I'm sorry for earlier.
I reacted badly.
456
00:20:25,373 --> 00:20:26,440
Nah, you didn't.
457
00:20:26,474 --> 00:20:28,542
Yes, I did. And I'm sorry.
458
00:20:28,576 --> 00:20:30,444
Thank you.
459
00:20:30,478 --> 00:20:31,545
'Cause, honestly,
460
00:20:31,579 --> 00:20:33,947
your health is all that matters.
461
00:20:33,981 --> 00:20:36,116
We can just, like, have
a nontraditional thing.
462
00:20:36,149 --> 00:20:38,018
What do you mean?
463
00:20:38,051 --> 00:20:40,020
We don't have to have
penetrative sex.
464
00:20:40,053 --> 00:20:42,256
You know, you can just
go down on me for hours,
465
00:20:42,290 --> 00:20:43,724
like earlier.
(chuckles)
466
00:20:43,757 --> 00:20:46,126
Ha-ha. Or we can get
one of those sex toys
467
00:20:46,159 --> 00:20:47,227
that looks like a dolphin.
468
00:20:47,261 --> 00:20:49,062
Anyway,
469
00:20:49,096 --> 00:20:51,064
I am in this,
regardless of limitations
470
00:20:51,098 --> 00:20:52,566
or what we can't do anymore.
Okay?
471
00:20:59,139 --> 00:21:01,442
Thank you.
472
00:21:01,475 --> 00:21:03,210
I have to hit the restroom.
473
00:21:03,243 --> 00:21:05,245
Okay.
474
00:21:06,246 --> 00:21:08,649
*
475
00:21:32,139 --> 00:21:33,474
(hip-hop music playing)
476
00:21:37,277 --> 00:21:41,582
* I'm Steph Curry rapping,
getting digit, loads of paper *
477
00:21:41,615 --> 00:21:44,685
* Sippin' martinis, snuffin',
huffin' giga-loads of vapor *
478
00:21:44,718 --> 00:21:46,820
* Don Draper
* Paper palace
479
00:21:46,854 --> 00:21:48,589
* Your house is all papyrus
480
00:21:48,622 --> 00:21:51,625
* House of cards falling down,
round somebody killed Osiris *
481
00:21:51,659 --> 00:21:53,427
* Medicare, Medicaid
(kids giggling)
482
00:21:53,461 --> 00:21:55,262
* And all social services
483
00:21:55,295 --> 00:21:56,964
* Nervous kid,
I'll show your nervous grandma *
484
00:21:56,997 --> 00:21:58,432
* Just what nervous is
485
00:21:58,466 --> 00:22:01,535
* Shit-talking cops
like my name was Mel Gibson *
486
00:22:01,569 --> 00:22:04,705
* Sugar tits, honey dip,
choosy bitches prefer Tiffany *
487
00:22:04,738 --> 00:22:08,709
* I'm so sky high
while my mind's eye is boozy *
488
00:22:08,742 --> 00:22:11,445
* I deserve to be blown
before the Jacuzzi *
489
00:22:11,479 --> 00:22:15,483
* I deserve to be
blown before the Jacuzzi *
490
00:22:15,516 --> 00:22:17,618
* I deserve to be blown
before the Jacuzzi *
491
00:22:17,651 --> 00:22:21,722
* I deserve to be
blown before the Jacuzzi. *
492
00:22:21,755 --> 00:22:22,823
(music ends)
493
00:22:22,856 --> 00:22:24,792
(whoops)
(scattered applause)
494
00:22:24,825 --> 00:22:27,194
Now, as y'all know,
495
00:22:27,227 --> 00:22:30,030
me and these fools were beefin'.
496
00:22:30,063 --> 00:22:32,866
But squabbles is normal
in a family.
497
00:22:32,900 --> 00:22:36,236
So during that time,
we wrote a song
498
00:22:36,269 --> 00:22:39,039
that really speaks to the soul
of friendship in this
499
00:22:39,072 --> 00:22:40,708
incendiary cultural time.
500
00:22:40,741 --> 00:22:45,045
It's called
"New Phone, Who Dis?"
501
00:22:47,381 --> 00:22:50,317
(record scratching)
Where's that simple-ass
white bitch at?!
502
00:22:50,350 --> 00:22:51,552
White bitch!
503
00:22:51,585 --> 00:22:53,253
(record scratches)
504
00:22:53,286 --> 00:22:55,489
MAN (recorded):
Here's the classic sound
505
00:22:55,523 --> 00:22:57,658
of the red-winged blackbird.
(bird chirping)
506
00:22:57,691 --> 00:23:00,694
For our first meal,
dear wife, we are having
507
00:23:00,728 --> 00:23:03,597
hominy and
poblano pepper posole,
508
00:23:03,631 --> 00:23:06,199
with a warm mushroom salad
and rhubarb grits.
509
00:23:06,233 --> 00:23:07,535
Now, the chatters
510
00:23:07,568 --> 00:23:09,703
of a house wren.
(bird chirping)
511
00:23:09,737 --> 00:23:12,573
I picked up a demi-bottle
of Gewurztraminer.
512
00:23:12,606 --> 00:23:15,843
Obviously, you can't have any,
so I SodaStreamed
513
00:23:15,876 --> 00:23:20,581
some sparkling water
with yuzu for you-zou.
514
00:23:20,614 --> 00:23:22,450
Eastern meadowlarks
came to nest in our yard...
515
00:23:22,483 --> 00:23:23,784
PAUL:
Interesting fact:
516
00:23:23,817 --> 00:23:26,186
did you know an
average ear of corn
517
00:23:26,219 --> 00:23:28,288
has an even number
of rows,
518
00:23:28,321 --> 00:23:29,389
usually 16?
519
00:23:29,423 --> 00:23:32,392
And humans have 32 teeth.
520
00:23:32,426 --> 00:23:33,694
How's that for
521
00:23:33,727 --> 00:23:35,863
intra-kingdom
synergy?
522
00:23:35,896 --> 00:23:38,131
I'm so happy I get to do this
with you forever, wife.
523
00:23:40,067 --> 00:23:43,136
We have menus for
the next six months already.
524
00:23:43,170 --> 00:23:45,238
Thus, there are no surprises,
525
00:23:45,272 --> 00:23:46,239
ever.
526
00:23:46,273 --> 00:23:47,741
Okay, let's see.
527
00:23:47,775 --> 00:23:50,944
Menu number two is jerk venison
with smashed yams...
528
00:23:50,978 --> 00:23:52,580
(whimpers quietly)
529
00:23:52,613 --> 00:23:55,382
...and garlic-ginger okra. Yum!
530
00:23:55,415 --> 00:23:59,620
Lastly, we have the warbles
of an American goldfinch.
531
00:23:59,653 --> 00:24:00,554
(bird chirping)
532
00:24:00,588 --> 00:24:01,922
(echoing):
Meal number three is
533
00:24:01,955 --> 00:24:02,890
gomasio-spiced
534
00:24:02,923 --> 00:24:04,692
parsnip soup...
535
00:24:05,759 --> 00:24:07,294
(grunts)
536
00:24:07,327 --> 00:24:08,829
(exhales)
537
00:24:10,964 --> 00:24:12,600
(screaming)
538
00:24:14,635 --> 00:24:18,806
* When I first met you, baby
539
00:24:18,839 --> 00:24:21,909
* You were floating
540
00:24:21,942 --> 00:24:23,944
* Up above
541
00:24:27,047 --> 00:24:31,451
* I thought, maybe
542
00:24:31,485 --> 00:24:34,421
* This is it
543
00:24:34,454 --> 00:24:37,090
* This is love
544
00:24:37,124 --> 00:24:40,293
* I fell so hard
545
00:24:40,327 --> 00:24:43,931
* I fell so hard...
546
00:24:43,964 --> 00:24:46,900
(dog barks)
37770
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