All language subtitles for The Great Indoors s01e13 DTR.eng

Be careful.

Even I wouldn't touch the food here,

and I've eaten yak's anus.

Jack, I thought we agreed

we weren't going to
discuss your ex-girlfriends.

And I wasn't going to order,

my hands are just stuck to the menu.

Well, you said we didn't
have to go anywhere fancy.

And you, sir, delivered.

You think this is bad?

You should see my bedroom.

- Hmm.
- Do you want to see my bedroom?

Hard to resist,

but this is our third date.

We should probably talk.

Uh-oh, the only sentence that
ever ends worse than that one

is "I don't mean to be racist, but..."

Oh.

Okay, let me rephrase.

I don't mean to be racist, but...

...where do you see us going?

- Rachel. I-I think you're awesome...
- Uh-oh.

The only sentence that ever
ends worse than that one is

"Oops, I usually use
name-brand condoms, but..."

Look, I'm just not looking
for anything serious right now.

So...

breakup sex?

I should probably just
leave with my dignity.

So who should breakup with who here?

Uh, how about you breakup with me

- but I get to slap you.
- All right.

Rachel, it's over.

[gasps]

Bye.

Bye.

Did you just shake that girl's hand?

Please tell me you guys
banged in the morning

and you're just living the
rest of your day in reverse.

[chuckles]

Well, it was going great and
then she brought up the future.

Ah, she wanted to
define the relationship.

Classic DTR.

Ugh. Not you, too,
with the abbreviations.

Did Emma bite you when you
were walking along the moors?

You know, you may not be
looking for anything serious,

but most people our age are.

It's natural when you get old.

What? I'm not old.

[laughs]

Try to sit on that bar stool

without making a sound.

Heh.

[sighs]

You're officially old.

And not rich.

Which is the saddest kind of old.

Be cool.

That creepy old guy
won't stop staring at us.

It's okay, he's turning away.

Hi.

I'm Kaylie.

Jack Gordon.

Wow. First and last name.

Are you famous or are
you just so self-centered

that you name-dropped yourself?

Both.

Well, Jack Gordon, I know it's early,

but where do you see us going?

Oh, my God, you, too?

'Cause I just got a
text that DJ Kotopoto

is spinning at a secret show
in an abandoned porn theater.

Well, I don't see the To
Catch a Predator guy,

so I'm in.

- Let's drink on the way.
- All right.

But I have to warn you,
I'm a sarcastic drunk.

Mmm. My God, you're perfect.

Hey, are you stealing my glasses?

Yeah. You try and stop us, old man!

[groans]

Oh, God.

Oh, good.

[screaming]

- What are you doing here?
- I live here!

Dude, did you hookup with my roommate?

Dude, did you hookup
with Mason's roommate?

[screams] Wake up, Jack!

My place has bed bugs, so
I'm crashing with Mason.

Bro, you are swole.

EMMA: Guys, I've been
waiting in the Uber.

What's with all the screaming?

[all screaming]

[elevator bell dings]

Hey, Esther, how are you?

Ugh. I've got my landlord spying on me,

so it's like pressure's on.

Hang in there.

Uh, Jack. I'm glad you're here.

I'm afraid I've had to
call an emergency meeting

to discuss...

what happened with Kaylie last night.

[all oohing]

All right.

Uh, well, what would you like?

Like a post game play-by-play?

Or more of a birds-and-the-bees
kind of thing.

I don't need the talk,
I've seen Animal Planet.

I can't believe Kaylie
hooked up with an old.

Why does everyone keep
saying that I'm old?

[sighs]

Dude, when you sit down,

it sounds like a train stopping.

Yeah. And you carry pocket
candy you took from a restaurant.

Sometimes I crave a sweet.

Wait, how old do you think I am?

I can't tell anyone's age over 30.

The first month you worked here,

I thought that you and Roland
were old college roommates.

Wait. You honestly think Roland
and I went to school together?

You honestly think Jack
could have got into Oxford?

Well, I hate to blow your minds,

but Kaylie and I had a great time,

and we're going out again.

Oh, Jack, come on.

There's no way a guy your
age can handle Kaylie.

I mean, she loves to
party, hates commitment,

says yes to everything.

Literally every word
that I would have tattooed

on the lower back of my perfect woman.

I am not too old to date Kaylie.

[phone chimes] And you can find out

for yourselves when we
all meet up tonight at...

Eddie's.

Are we meeting there at 4:00,

so you don't miss the
early bird special?

[laughs] Yeah.

Let's go later and miss the good fish.

Jack, this is uncharted
territory for you.

You're gonna need a guide.

Somebody who has
studied millennial girls

his entire life.

Oh, so you're like Jane Goodall.

You've lived amongst
the majestic creatures,

but never touched them?

Yeah. Jane Goodall never touched them.

[grunts] The point is I can help you.

I say we give Jack and Kaylie a chance.

Someone needs to remind
him when to take his pills.

We might not be the same age,
but we make a great match.

I mean, she's fun, she loves adventure,

and she has something

the other girls I've
been dating don't have.

- Baby teeth?
- Homework?

- Bedtime?
- Training bra?

BOTH: Noice!

It's so frustrating when the young ones

give us a rise like that, isn't it?

We are not contemporaries!

[groans]

[grunts]

[laughing]

And then Mason and I hit Hoodie Con...

We were only wearing cardies.

[laughs] YOLO.

Anyway, uh, people
were giving side-eyes,

so we were like, "Bye, Felicia."

[laughs] What is happening?

And why is it Felicia's fault?

Okay. I'll translate for you.

Then I meet this uggs rando,

and let me tell you,
the thirst was real.

She met an unattractive, horny stranger.

This scammer said

I shot him a DM, so I was like,

"Show me the receipts."

So the horny stranger
said that they had history,

but she wanted proof.

Ah. Burn notice!

You just sit there and
look pretty, actually.

So I was thinking after dinner,

we could take some muscle relaxers

and swim out to that new karaoke barge.

Well, I see no downside
to a long night swim

without muscle control.

You sure, Jack? It starts at midnight.

- It starts at midnight?
- Ugh.

I know, it's stupid
early, but maybe after

we can shotgun some beers on the L.

Or make out in the back
of a Korean revival church,

or get naked and roll
around on the front lawn

of the original Home Alone house.

Do you want to do any of that?

Yeah, Jack.

Do you want to do any of that?

Okay, so here Mason is challenging you

because he thinks you're too old

to hang out with someone younger...

Yeah, I know. Okay.

Kaylie, I want to do all of that.

This animal onesie
party is gonna be lit.

So lit.

[no audible music]

This silent disco is so stupid.

Why am I having so much fun?

It's from the molly.

Oh, cool. Tell her I said thanks.

Oh, my God, this glow-in-the-dark party

is gonna ratchet.

So ratchet.

Hmm.

Oh, here comes the drop!

I think that was the drop.

[grunts]

[door closes]

Jack, this is the fifth night
in a row you've been out.

I know you're having fun
pretending you're still young,

but you're making a fool of yourself

and you're getting glitter everywhere.

Don't talk to me. I
need to get some sleep.

[alarm beeping]

Don't talk to me. I need to get to work.

Jack!

The DJ is fire! Oh.

Struggling to keep up
with Kaylie, are we?

No, no, no, no, no,

I've heard having a child
is really exhausting.

Huh. We are having a blast, Brooke,

so spare me the lecture
on how I'm too old

to be chasing a younger girl

or too old to be staying out all night

or too old to be making
out with a police horse.

Actually, I fully support this phase.

I think it's really good for you.

I, uh, once had a bit
of a wild phase, myself.

What did that involve? Giving
a fake name at Starbucks?

No, actually.

If you really want to
know, I once kissed a girl.

Congrats, you were in a sorority.

Yep.

And then we had a
threesome with a quarterback

in a Papa John's parking lot.

Shh, shh. Just wait a
minute, I'll ask her.

And then there was the
loitering, shoplifting,

bum fights, prank calls...

Wait a minute.

Did you say "bum fights"?

Look, the point is eventually,

I got it all out of my system

and realized I was ready
for someone like Paul.

Actual bums? You paid
them money to fight?

Yeah, all I'm saying is that one day,

you'll be dating someone and suddenly,

Sunday night will feel more
important to you than Saturday.

You'll be more excited
about staying in to watch TV

with your boo than
rolling out of some club

to have sex in the parking
lot of a Papa John's.

Separate incident.

Wow, you really love pizza.

Whoa, Jack, are you okay?

You look like that French fry you find

when you vacuum your car.

You look the same as you always have...

over 30.

[laughs]

Kaylie and I are having a great time.

So I'm not too old to
chase after a young girl,

all right? [phone chimes]

Oh, here she is now,

on FaceTime, which is a
video phone call technology.

Hey, boo.

Which is something we
agreed I would call you.

What are you up to?

I'm on a molly hike.

Oh, cool, tell her I said hi.

So what are we up to tonight?

Well, it's my half-birthday...

Which is a real thing
that I've always supported.

...so I'm having a
get-together with some people,

including this Greek
squash player I matched with

a while back on Tinder.

Oh, boy.

Sorry, the connection's a little choppy.

Did you say you're going
on a date with another guy?

Yeah. Is that not chill with you?

MASON: Yeah, old man.

Is that not chill with you?

No, I'm chill. I'm totally chill.

I-I'm The Big Chill.

I'm Chilly Chonka and
the Chocolate Factory.

Oh, just shut up, you beautiful idiot.

Hey, I got to go.
Someone brought their dog,

and I need to rub it all over my body.

What the hell just happened?

While you can keep up
with Kaylie physically,

it seems now, emotionally,
you are way in...

Okay, I hit a nerve. Ooh.

I don't get it.

Why would Kaylie want
to date someone else

when she already has the Jack Gordon?

Jack, stop taking it out on

those old-timey writing sticks.

This kind of thing is supes
normal for our generation.

Yeah, we like to sample around

before we commit to any one thing.

We do it with our careers,
living situations...

lovers.

Cool.

Can I look away now?

Yeah, it is just sexual
chaos out there, guys.

That's why I like to keep
this fine piece of Clark

on the sidelines. [chuckles]

Yeah, yeah.

Taking a break, huh?

Your left hand getting
jealous of your right?

Got to even out the
muscles, guys. Turn up.

Jack, you only have so much time left.

Don't waste it proving I'm right.

Just tap out.

Tap out? Me?

Why would Jack Gordon tap out?

Also, how would Jack Gordon tap out?

Like, what's the coolest way?

Somebody please tell
me. I am drowning here.

Um, Jack, [clears throat]
if you're not too busy,

a bird just flew into my office.

I think it's a grey goose.

It, um,

might be a-a wild turkey. Uh...

[sighs]

Jack, you look like hell.

You're irritable,
lashing out at colleagues.

Have you got a drinking problem?

- No.
- Well, have this then.

That should solve everything. [chuckles]

I get why I want to date other women,

but why would Kaylie
want to date other men?

I mean, I'm Jack Gordon,
the party sub of masculinity.

I'm the one who's supposed to be shared.

It all used to be so
much simpler, didn't it?

When only men were
allowed to sleep around.

Though it makes you wonder, if
only men were sleeping around,

who were they sleeping with?

I'm gonna write that down
in my book. [chuckles]

Roland with the Punches. [giggles]

I-I'm starting to wonder

if maybe I could stand
a little commitment.

Jack,

it's finally happened.

You've disappointed me.

When I was your age,

I was cleaning up with younger women.

And you should be, too.

You have maturity, you have experience,

you have wealth...

I don't have wealth.

That still mystifies me.

How can you be nearly
40 and still be poor?

You know what you pay me.

Oh, yes, of course.

That's how I stay wealthy.

Jack, I want you to chase after

as many younger women as you can

without thinking of the future.

Why do you care so much?

Because I need you to
validate my own life decisions!

You are right.

Why am I complaining
about a dream situation?

I'm gonna go to this half-birthday

and meet some other
girl. And then we'll see

if Kaylie can handle
sharing this party sub.

Before you embark, remember
what Shakespeare said,

"When Love speaks, the
voice of all the gods

makes heaven drowsy with the harmony."

And, uh, as a less famous poet put it,

"Wrap it before you slap it."

Jack, hi!

I was worried that I scared you
off after our last conversation.

Jack Gordon is totes down
with this open relaysh.

Did you just use the words
"totes down" and "open relaysh"?

Jack, I think you're
losing your damn mind.

Clark, come over here. I
need you to be my wingman.

And there it goes.

All right, so where
should we start, playa?

She's hot.

EMMA: Ooh, good choice.

Jenna's a total comet.

"Comet." Noun. Someone who has
sporadic but intense hookups.

- It's also an abrasive cleaner.
- Mm.

But just know, she's in a throuple

with that guy Eric and...

- Oh. Kaylie.
- Oh.

- What?
- Oh.

"Throuple" is a new term that
means three people in a couple.

In the '80s, it was known as
my mom, Brett, and Doug.

Yeah, I know what a throuple is.
But, wait, so Kaylie is seeing

me, her, that guy, and
a Greek squash player?

Yeah, but that's about it.

Oh, unless you count half
the people at that booth.

JACK: Yeah,

they-they count.

They-they count.

Hey, so, uh, Clark just told me

that half the people at this
table are involved with Kaylie?

That's not not not untrue.

Can you be a little more specific?

Sure. In the form of a riddle.

Three of my roommates have had
sex with two of my roommates,

and one of us has had
sex with all of us.

Assuming half of us are straight,

who's been with Kaylie?

Um...

And there's a wildcard, Asexual Jeff.

I'm more attracted to objects.

Oh.

Let me guess, you're also in
a relationship with Kaylie?

I'm her dad.

And, uh, what's a dad? Is that
a creepy term for an old guy

who buys her shoes and pays
her rent in exchange for sex?

I'm her biological father.

And it is an honor to meet you, sir.

KAYLIE: Jack, hi,

- this is Davros. He's from Greece...
- No. No.

No. Kaylie,

uh, I'm not usually this guy, but...

what's going on with us?

Uh, well, in an hour, we're gonna have

a Roman candle fight in a
non-union bread factory.

No. I mean us-us.

I don't want to sound too old-school,

but are we going steady or what?

Wait, are you asking me to DTR?

I don't know. Maybe.

I'm just so tired.

And-and am I a thirsty rando, a-a comet,

a-a cupid or sex Rudolph

or some other dumb phrase you
whimsical maniacs just made up?!

And why haven't you introduced
me to your friend, Molly?!

She seems great!

Look, Jack, I really like you,

but I'm just not really looking
for anything serious right now.

Those are my words! They're mine!

And I'm the party sub!

Me!

How am I not enough for you?

Doesn't anyone here want to
grow old in a throuple with me?!

I-It's okay, everyone. [chuckles]

In no way is this a
glimpse into your future.

Keep drinking!

You'll be young forever!

Oh, Jack, you're finally awake.

How long was I out?

18 hours, and one and a half Sharpies.

Yes, I'm afraid I can never
really resist a good prank.

And I'm sorry about the
penis I traced on your back.

That's okay.

I guess... Wait, "traced"?

And I want to apologize
for encouraging you

to chase after younger women.

Ah, it's not your fault.

I think I just freaked
out 'cause I was exhausted.

EDDIE: Or did you freak out because,

whether you admit it or not,

you might actually want
something more serious?

Just tell me what you traced it from.

Uh, I just held it in place,

it was Eddie who did
most of the penning work.

Ah, he's alive!

Eddie told me your muscles were
starting to atrophy, but, um...

oh, yeah, these guns are
locked and they are loaded.

Hands off, Clark,

before he wants you to
define the relationship.

[laughs]

[imitating Jack]: "Are we going steady?

"Who's Molly?

I swallowed my pacifier." [chuckles]

Guys, stop it, we should
all be applauding Jack.

Yeah, not only did he realize
he might want a relationship,

but he did it in the most
embarrassing way possible.

[clicks tongue] We all win.

At least I now know what kind
of woman I want to be with.

So, I texted her and it turns out

she was totes open to
giving us another shot.

[door opens]

Oh, looks like someone's
ready to give Sundays a try.

Yeah.

Brooke paid bums to fight.

Hi, Rachel.

Hi, Jack.

I was surprised by your text.

Well, I'm trying to be a more mature.

No, by all of the emojis you used.

I wasn't sure if I was meeting you

or a Korean club promoter.

[both sigh]

So, what do you want to do tonight?

[sighs] I had kind of a long day,

so maybe we could just
split a bottle of wine,

unbutton our pants and
hate-watch The Bachelor?

Do you want to do any of that?

I want to do all of that.

Then maybe some hand stuff?

Well, it is our fourth date.

For an old, she's pretty hot.

[clicks tongue] Oh, yeah.

She's Papa John's hot.

Oh, you have something on your neck.

Ah, that's the outline
of my boss's penis.

Wait, did you say "outline"?

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