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1
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[elevator dings]
2
00:00:05,516 --> 00:00:06,448
Hey, Esther, how're you doing?
3
00:00:06,450 --> 00:00:08,684
Want a jelly bean?
4
00:00:08,686 --> 00:00:10,619
Oh, some of these are wet.
5
00:00:10,621 --> 00:00:11,812
That's weird.
6
00:00:12,390 --> 00:00:13,889
They should all be wet.
7
00:00:15,880 --> 00:00:17,080
I'm going to go boil my hand.
8
00:00:21,164 --> 00:00:23,299
MASON: There's nothing to be scared of.
9
00:00:23,324 --> 00:00:26,265
Just relax and go with what feels right.
10
00:00:27,288 --> 00:00:29,738
CLARK: This is all too much at once.
11
00:00:29,740 --> 00:00:31,140
You can't deny your feelings.
12
00:00:31,142 --> 00:00:33,008
[whispers]: It's not that easy.
13
00:00:33,010 --> 00:00:35,244
Ours is a forbidden love.
14
00:00:35,499 --> 00:00:38,414
These might be the worst
sounds ever made in this room.
15
00:00:38,679 --> 00:00:39,648
It's not what it looks like.
16
00:00:39,650 --> 00:00:41,550
Yes, it is! This is
exactly what it looks like.
17
00:00:41,552 --> 00:00:43,719
Mason and I love each other.
18
00:00:44,257 --> 00:00:46,188
Nope, not buying it.
19
00:00:46,190 --> 00:00:48,023
Mason's totally out of your league.
20
00:00:48,025 --> 00:00:49,191
What are you guys talking about?
21
00:00:49,193 --> 00:00:50,421
But you're going to tease me.
22
00:00:50,446 --> 00:00:51,896
No, we're adults.
23
00:00:51,921 --> 00:00:53,062
I'm not going to tease you.
24
00:00:53,524 --> 00:00:54,342
Okay.
25
00:00:55,633 --> 00:00:57,199
[sighs]
26
00:00:57,530 --> 00:00:58,110
I like Emma.
27
00:00:58,135 --> 00:01:01,370
[mocking]: Ooh!
28
00:01:05,226 --> 00:01:09,218
Synced and corrected by javiernv
www.addic7ed.com
29
00:01:10,554 --> 00:01:11,947
So you like Emma.
30
00:01:11,949 --> 00:01:14,210
That's big, weird news.
31
00:01:15,119 --> 00:01:16,352
I would use it to my advantage,
32
00:01:16,354 --> 00:01:19,827
but you already do everything
I ask without question.
33
00:01:20,835 --> 00:01:22,458
Well, it wasn't news to me.
34
00:01:22,460 --> 00:01:24,126
I know everyone's secrets.
35
00:01:24,210 --> 00:01:27,363
I was head bitch on my high
school cheerleading squad.
36
00:01:27,648 --> 00:01:29,530
Huh, you know nothing about me.
37
00:01:29,928 --> 00:01:31,761
Calf implants.
38
00:01:33,536 --> 00:01:36,906
I just, uh... looked at the brochure.
39
00:01:38,220 --> 00:01:40,809
Yes, Jack, I like Emma, but don't worry.
40
00:01:40,811 --> 00:01:43,297
I have a foolproof plan to win her over.
41
00:01:43,322 --> 00:01:45,981
Unless it involves some
kind of enchanted amulet,
42
00:01:45,983 --> 00:01:48,183
I find that hard to believe.
43
00:01:49,519 --> 00:01:51,720
Boom! Behold.
44
00:01:51,722 --> 00:01:56,095
Settlers of Catan, the world's
most powerful aphrodisiac.
45
00:01:57,150 --> 00:02:00,529
No, Jack, this is just a cover
to keep prying eyes from...
46
00:02:00,531 --> 00:02:03,744
my eight-year plan for
getting together with Emma.
47
00:02:05,509 --> 00:02:07,937
You're going to want to just
skip past the first seven pages.
48
00:02:07,939 --> 00:02:10,322
Just me spit-balling our married names.
49
00:02:10,841 --> 00:02:12,975
"Clark and Emma Cho-Robertson."
50
00:02:12,977 --> 00:02:15,010
"Ark and Clemma Chorobert-cho."
51
00:02:16,279 --> 00:02:18,280
Page eight is where
the fun really starts.
52
00:02:18,282 --> 00:02:19,515
Yeah, he made a flowchart
53
00:02:19,517 --> 00:02:21,784
of every possible path he
can take to end up with Emma.
54
00:02:21,786 --> 00:02:22,718
It's inspiring.
55
00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:24,312
CLARK: It has to be perfect, Jack.
56
00:02:24,337 --> 00:02:26,355
I don't want to have to sit
our children down one day
57
00:02:26,357 --> 00:02:28,359
and say, "Sorry I
blew it with your mom",
58
00:02:28,384 --> 00:02:30,559
and that's why you don't exist."
59
00:02:31,564 --> 00:02:33,062
There are endless opportunities
60
00:02:33,064 --> 00:02:34,830
all leading to the same outcome.
61
00:02:34,832 --> 00:02:36,332
Oh, a newscast with your neighbors
62
00:02:36,334 --> 00:02:38,406
standing in front of yellow tape saying,
63
00:02:38,431 --> 00:02:41,537
"Oh, he was quiet and kept to himself."
64
00:02:41,858 --> 00:02:43,047
No.
65
00:02:43,207 --> 00:02:44,954
Me and Emma in love.
66
00:02:45,409 --> 00:02:48,911
See? Here's a section I like
to call "Sub Chart 0-41A."
67
00:02:48,913 --> 00:02:50,969
Or "Getting Emma and I to Hold Hands."
68
00:02:50,994 --> 00:02:51,580
Mmm.
69
00:02:51,582 --> 00:02:54,283
That doesn't happen for four years?!
70
00:02:55,618 --> 00:02:57,653
Clark, you are way overthinking this.
71
00:02:57,701 --> 00:03:00,314
In the wilderness, you
act fast or you die.
72
00:03:00,339 --> 00:03:03,525
Or worse, you miss out on a
threesome with Swedish hikers.
73
00:03:04,119 --> 00:03:06,762
Jack's right... Just ask Emma out.
74
00:03:06,764 --> 00:03:09,759
And 20 bucks says one of
those hikers was a dude.
75
00:03:11,016 --> 00:03:12,849
Eh, they're all beautiful over there.
76
00:03:14,150 --> 00:03:15,404
Wait, how did you know I like Emma?
77
00:03:15,931 --> 00:03:18,474
[laughing]: Let's just
call it women's intuition.
78
00:03:18,476 --> 00:03:19,875
And not because late one night
79
00:03:19,877 --> 00:03:22,509
I got a hankering to play
Settlers of Catan, no.
80
00:03:23,158 --> 00:03:24,713
Clark, you have to be more like me
81
00:03:24,715 --> 00:03:26,615
and stop caring what people think.
82
00:03:26,617 --> 00:03:28,290
Don't be scared to make a move.
83
00:03:28,353 --> 00:03:30,919
I'm not scurred, I'm deterred.
84
00:03:32,150 --> 00:03:34,089
The only reason I'm not making a move
85
00:03:34,114 --> 00:03:35,313
is because there's a strict rule
86
00:03:35,292 --> 00:03:36,925
against interoffice dating,
87
00:03:36,927 --> 00:03:38,127
and I'm no lawbreaker.
88
00:03:38,129 --> 00:03:39,528
If there's one thing I know about women,
89
00:03:39,530 --> 00:03:41,548
they hate bad boys.
90
00:03:45,189 --> 00:03:46,602
Where did Jack go?
91
00:03:47,329 --> 00:03:50,906
Mr. Gordon, do you realize
why we called you into HR?
92
00:03:51,212 --> 00:03:52,828
Actually, I asked for this meeting.
93
00:03:52,853 --> 00:03:55,275
[chuckles]: I doubt that.
94
00:03:55,980 --> 00:03:57,765
Uh, did we already ask
you to stop your joke
95
00:03:57,790 --> 00:04:01,183
of saying "no way" to Jos? in ad sales?
96
00:04:01,185 --> 00:04:03,952
Si, dos weeks ago.
97
00:04:04,603 --> 00:04:06,367
And when you lied about transitioning
98
00:04:06,392 --> 00:04:08,290
so you could use the closer bathroom?
99
00:04:09,079 --> 00:04:10,192
Who complained?
100
00:04:10,408 --> 00:04:12,008
Oh, was it the lady
with the yellow shoes
101
00:04:12,010 --> 00:04:13,709
who clears her throat really loud?
102
00:04:13,711 --> 00:04:14,877
[clears throat loudly]
103
00:04:19,016 --> 00:04:21,289
So why are you here, Mr. Gordon?
104
00:04:21,314 --> 00:04:24,086
I'm requesting that you lift
the ban on interoffice dating.
105
00:04:24,439 --> 00:04:28,701
What's her name and
how far along is she?
106
00:04:29,158 --> 00:04:30,993
No, I'm not going to
date anyone in the office.
107
00:04:30,995 --> 00:04:32,662
That's a rookie move.
108
00:04:32,664 --> 00:04:34,096
Which is why I'm asking for Clark.
109
00:04:34,098 --> 00:04:35,698
Clark?
110
00:04:35,700 --> 00:04:38,100
Isn't Mason a little out of his league?
111
00:04:38,102 --> 00:04:39,660
That's what I said!
112
00:04:40,165 --> 00:04:42,048
But come on, Carol,
why not lift the ban?
113
00:04:42,073 --> 00:04:44,840
I'm not usually one to
mess with natural selection,
114
00:04:44,842 --> 00:04:46,909
but I'm rooting for this kid,
115
00:04:46,911 --> 00:04:48,978
and I'd like him to find somebody.
116
00:04:48,980 --> 00:04:49,945
What do you say?
117
00:04:49,947 --> 00:04:51,414
[sighs]: Well...
118
00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:52,515
We'll think about it.
119
00:04:52,972 --> 00:04:54,183
Well, how about this:
120
00:04:54,185 --> 00:04:55,718
Whoever gets out of their beanbag first
121
00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:57,219
gets what they want?
122
00:05:01,091 --> 00:05:03,926
Everyone, you are now free
to date people in the office.
123
00:05:03,928 --> 00:05:08,043
Our not very long, extremely
local nightmare is over.
124
00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:10,766
Hey, you got the ban lifted?
125
00:05:10,768 --> 00:05:12,702
Yeah... isn't that what you wanted?
126
00:05:12,704 --> 00:05:15,104
Only when it was never going to happen!
127
00:05:15,855 --> 00:05:17,106
I lied before.
128
00:05:17,108 --> 00:05:19,675
I am scurred, I am...
129
00:05:20,345 --> 00:05:22,445
I'm just a big ol' scurredy cat.
130
00:05:23,175 --> 00:05:25,574
I just, I really don't want
to mess this up with Emma.
131
00:05:25,599 --> 00:05:28,439
Look, I know more
about women than anyone
132
00:05:28,464 --> 00:05:29,985
except Gloria Steinem and John Mayer.
133
00:05:31,154 --> 00:05:33,222
I've picked up women in nine languages,
134
00:05:33,224 --> 00:05:34,847
and I only know five.
135
00:05:35,605 --> 00:05:39,729
As Jack Gordon, colon, Man of
Action... copyright pending...
136
00:05:39,731 --> 00:05:41,530
I'm going to help you ask out Emma.
137
00:05:42,043 --> 00:05:44,394
Okay, I will gladly accept your help.
138
00:05:44,433 --> 00:05:45,568
And I'm going to start
a binder right now
139
00:05:45,570 --> 00:05:47,036
- with some subsections and...
- No, no, no, no, no.
140
00:05:47,038 --> 00:05:48,838
You are not going to overthink this.
141
00:05:48,840 --> 00:05:50,106
My plan has one step,
142
00:05:50,108 --> 00:05:52,457
and that's called
"taking action"... Emma!
143
00:05:52,949 --> 00:05:54,489
Clark has something
he'd like to ask you.
144
00:05:54,514 --> 00:05:55,253
No.
145
00:05:56,213 --> 00:05:58,047
Hey, Emma, I was just wondering...
146
00:06:02,619 --> 00:06:06,689
[laughing]: Hey, it's Clark, from work.
147
00:06:06,972 --> 00:06:07,790
What's up?
148
00:06:07,792 --> 00:06:09,658
Pretty good, pretty good.
149
00:06:09,660 --> 00:06:10,860
[muttering]
150
00:06:13,277 --> 00:06:17,753
I just wanted to know if maybe
you want to hung out sometime?
151
00:06:19,137 --> 00:06:20,910
Did I just say hung?
152
00:06:21,239 --> 00:06:22,605
Hang.
153
00:06:22,607 --> 00:06:24,240
Let's hang each other!
154
00:06:25,609 --> 00:06:26,642
Sure.
155
00:06:26,644 --> 00:06:27,777
We could go to Eddie's tonight.
156
00:06:27,779 --> 00:06:29,545
Sparkle, I'll see you there!
157
00:06:29,547 --> 00:06:31,180
Cool!
158
00:06:31,948 --> 00:06:34,152
[cackling]
159
00:06:34,986 --> 00:06:36,218
What up, fam?
160
00:06:36,220 --> 00:06:38,854
I was all, like, "Yo,
babe, you and me, tonight."
161
00:06:38,856 --> 00:06:42,358
She was all, like, "Oh, my God!
162
00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:45,995
I've loved you forever, I'm
so excited you asked me!"
163
00:06:45,997 --> 00:06:47,799
You nailed it, now all you have to do
164
00:06:47,824 --> 00:06:48,798
is get through the actual date.
165
00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:50,332
Oh, God!
166
00:07:05,707 --> 00:07:06,730
Emma's almost here.
167
00:07:06,755 --> 00:07:08,642
Any last words of encouragement?
168
00:07:09,523 --> 00:07:11,056
Ignore all your instincts.
169
00:07:14,012 --> 00:07:15,779
So Clark likes Emma.
170
00:07:15,781 --> 00:07:17,214
Who knew?
171
00:07:17,216 --> 00:07:18,248
Me.
172
00:07:18,250 --> 00:07:20,050
I know all the office secrets.
173
00:07:20,052 --> 00:07:21,952
You don't know all the office secrets.
174
00:07:24,816 --> 00:07:25,756
Oh, really?
175
00:07:26,050 --> 00:07:27,519
What don't I know?
176
00:07:28,167 --> 00:07:29,934
Is it about Clark? Emma? Jack?
177
00:07:29,959 --> 00:07:30,958
It's about Jack.
178
00:07:31,063 --> 00:07:32,496
[stammering]: I didn't say that.
179
00:07:32,498 --> 00:07:34,074
Didn't need to.
180
00:07:34,306 --> 00:07:36,205
Jack and... Clark? Roland? Zendaya?
181
00:07:36,301 --> 00:07:37,834
- Who?
- It's Brooke, isn't it?
182
00:07:37,859 --> 00:07:40,393
[gasps]: It's Brooke!
183
00:07:40,372 --> 00:07:41,938
I've got all I need.
184
00:07:42,345 --> 00:07:44,679
But I, I didn't say anything.
185
00:07:46,511 --> 00:07:47,544
Hey, Emma.
186
00:07:47,546 --> 00:07:48,712
We're finally here.
187
00:07:48,714 --> 00:07:49,913
Face-to-face.
188
00:07:50,948 --> 00:07:52,488
[somberly]: To face.
189
00:07:53,052 --> 00:07:55,308
I invited Amy to our after-work hang.
190
00:07:55,354 --> 00:07:57,220
[breathily]: Oh...
191
00:07:57,222 --> 00:07:58,422
Hi, Amy.
192
00:07:58,447 --> 00:07:59,869
AMY: Sorry we're late.
193
00:07:59,894 --> 00:08:01,391
It was a crazy day at the office.
194
00:08:01,393 --> 00:08:03,560
I had to calculate
the company's overtime,
195
00:08:03,562 --> 00:08:06,063
then I realized that was
making me go overtime,
196
00:08:06,065 --> 00:08:09,900
and that I had to include
that, too... ugh, my life!
197
00:08:09,902 --> 00:08:11,301
I could really use a drink.
198
00:08:11,303 --> 00:08:13,904
I'll go order two beers, Amy.
199
00:08:13,906 --> 00:08:15,261
Maybe they'll give me a third one
200
00:08:15,286 --> 00:08:16,819
I didn't ask for.
201
00:08:18,109 --> 00:08:19,242
Jack, help!
202
00:08:19,244 --> 00:08:20,577
Emma doesn't know this is a date.
203
00:08:20,579 --> 00:08:21,778
How can that be?
204
00:08:21,780 --> 00:08:23,747
You were so clear
when you asked her out.
205
00:08:23,749 --> 00:08:26,283
I know, but she brought her friend Amy.
206
00:08:26,285 --> 00:08:27,884
Okay, don't panic.
207
00:08:27,886 --> 00:08:29,953
You just need someone
to distract her friend.
208
00:08:29,955 --> 00:08:32,522
Oh, thank you, that
is really solid of you.
209
00:08:32,524 --> 00:08:35,392
I didn't volunteer... oh! She's hot!
210
00:08:35,394 --> 00:08:36,560
I volunteer.
211
00:08:41,833 --> 00:08:44,501
So, how'd it go with Emma?
212
00:08:44,503 --> 00:08:45,569
Not great.
213
00:08:45,571 --> 00:08:47,237
She, uh, did not think it was a date.
214
00:08:47,707 --> 00:08:50,488
Neither did Kevin, the dude
she ended up making out with.
215
00:08:51,676 --> 00:08:54,675
This whole "taking action"
thing is a disaster.
216
00:08:54,980 --> 00:08:57,675
Except for Kevin... it's
working gangbusters for Kevin.
217
00:08:58,706 --> 00:09:00,381
[groans]
218
00:09:00,406 --> 00:09:02,372
Amy's nice, but she's so boring
219
00:09:02,397 --> 00:09:04,839
I almost didn't have sex with her.
220
00:09:05,871 --> 00:09:07,958
You and Amy had sex?
How did that happen?
221
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:09,517
Well, that's a conversation
222
00:09:09,542 --> 00:09:11,209
you should probably have with a parent.
223
00:09:11,699 --> 00:09:12,562
Hey!
224
00:09:12,564 --> 00:09:13,563
Holy hell!
225
00:09:13,565 --> 00:09:15,871
She's boring from inside the house!
226
00:09:16,707 --> 00:09:17,400
Okay.
227
00:09:17,699 --> 00:09:19,469
She's not the first woman to stalk me
228
00:09:19,471 --> 00:09:21,805
after a night of mind-blowing sex.
229
00:09:21,807 --> 00:09:23,340
Mason, you go distract her...
230
00:09:23,342 --> 00:09:25,175
Dude, Amy works here, in payroll.
231
00:09:25,177 --> 00:09:26,977
She works here now?!
232
00:09:26,979 --> 00:09:29,012
Well, she's not the
first woman to get a job
233
00:09:29,014 --> 00:09:32,315
to stalk me after a
night of mind-blowing sex.
234
00:09:32,951 --> 00:09:34,551
Did you guys even talk last night?
235
00:09:34,553 --> 00:09:36,153
She's worked here for three years.
236
00:09:36,155 --> 00:09:38,955
She started here three
years ago just to stalk me?!
237
00:09:40,412 --> 00:09:42,325
Jack? Is that you?
238
00:09:43,170 --> 00:09:44,995
Why'd you leave so early this morning?
239
00:09:44,997 --> 00:09:46,196
We could've shared an Uber.
240
00:09:46,198 --> 00:09:47,564
[chuckles]
241
00:09:48,499 --> 00:09:50,066
Oh, I didn't want to wake you...
242
00:09:50,068 --> 00:09:52,170
Or talk more.
243
00:09:54,072 --> 00:09:56,339
I've almost never been up to this floor.
244
00:09:56,341 --> 00:09:59,145
Now I guess I have six-foot-four reasons
245
00:09:59,170 --> 00:10:00,877
to come hang out.
246
00:10:00,879 --> 00:10:01,826
Boop!
247
00:10:02,781 --> 00:10:04,834
See you at lunch, bae!
248
00:10:08,386 --> 00:10:11,822
ALL: Ooh!
249
00:10:25,073 --> 00:10:27,040
I can't believe Amy works here.
250
00:10:27,042 --> 00:10:28,775
And why is she acting like we're dating
251
00:10:28,777 --> 00:10:32,245
after one casual night of
the best sex of her life?
252
00:10:32,862 --> 00:10:35,009
Because you straight-up
agreed to date her?
253
00:10:35,034 --> 00:10:36,282
Uh, don't you remember?
254
00:10:36,284 --> 00:10:37,995
Uh, no.
255
00:10:38,353 --> 00:10:40,735
Oh, no, Jack, did you do that thing
256
00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:42,339
where you only act like you're listening
257
00:10:42,364 --> 00:10:45,532
and instead just say "uh-huh"
and "great" to everything?
258
00:10:46,560 --> 00:10:49,429
So nice to put a face to the paycheck.
259
00:10:49,431 --> 00:10:51,002
Uh-huh.
260
00:10:51,704 --> 00:10:52,891
This has been fun.
261
00:10:52,916 --> 00:10:54,227
You're a good listener.
262
00:10:54,229 --> 00:10:55,178
Great.
263
00:10:55,203 --> 00:10:57,270
Look, I'm done sleeping around,
264
00:10:57,272 --> 00:11:00,571
but if you think we have
something real here...
265
00:11:00,596 --> 00:11:02,041
Uh-huh.
266
00:11:02,043 --> 00:11:04,177
...then let's go back to your place.
267
00:11:04,674 --> 00:11:05,912
Wait, what?
268
00:11:05,914 --> 00:11:07,362
Oh, great!
269
00:11:08,087 --> 00:11:08,953
EMMA: Wait.
270
00:11:08,978 --> 00:11:11,376
So you only heard the part
when she brought up sex?
271
00:11:11,401 --> 00:11:13,067
Isn't that gross, Clark?
272
00:11:13,069 --> 00:11:16,771
Oh... Yes, super-gross.
273
00:11:16,773 --> 00:11:18,406
Jack is a monster.
274
00:11:18,408 --> 00:11:22,343
Jack should just crawl
under a bus and die!
275
00:11:24,313 --> 00:11:26,198
You better clear things
up without hurting her.
276
00:11:26,223 --> 00:11:28,623
Amy is my oldest friend.
277
00:11:28,648 --> 00:11:30,515
[whispers]: She's 30!
278
00:11:34,510 --> 00:11:38,713
[whispers]: She's actually 32.
279
00:11:38,738 --> 00:11:40,672
Secrets.
280
00:11:42,745 --> 00:11:44,879
Welp, better go end things with Amy.
281
00:11:44,881 --> 00:11:46,080
This is not easy.
282
00:11:46,082 --> 00:11:47,148
Is something I'll probably say to her.
283
00:11:47,150 --> 00:11:48,249
See you in half a minute.
284
00:11:48,251 --> 00:11:49,317
[scolding]
285
00:11:49,713 --> 00:11:52,387
- Remember, okay, you work with Amy.
- Uh huh.
286
00:11:52,389 --> 00:11:54,022
In the same building, every day?
287
00:11:54,024 --> 00:11:55,790
- Great.
- Jack!
288
00:11:55,792 --> 00:11:57,091
Focus!
289
00:11:57,093 --> 00:11:58,845
Come on, she's not some Carnaval trollop
290
00:11:58,870 --> 00:12:00,728
you can hit and quit in Rio.
291
00:12:00,730 --> 00:12:02,096
You work with Amy, okay?
292
00:12:02,098 --> 00:12:03,631
So you better get out
of this gracefully,
293
00:12:03,633 --> 00:12:04,899
or your life will be hell.
294
00:12:04,901 --> 00:12:05,867
Okay.
295
00:12:05,869 --> 00:12:07,769
Jack Gordon, colon, Man of Action...
296
00:12:07,771 --> 00:12:09,690
Copyright recently approved...
297
00:12:10,250 --> 00:12:12,150
Knows when to admit his mistakes.
298
00:12:12,175 --> 00:12:13,308
JACK: Carol,
299
00:12:13,310 --> 00:12:15,576
when you lifted the
ban on office dating,
300
00:12:16,195 --> 00:12:17,698
you really pooped the bed.
301
00:12:20,416 --> 00:12:21,582
I'm sorry, Mr. Gordon,
302
00:12:21,584 --> 00:12:22,850
but getting rid of that policy
303
00:12:22,852 --> 00:12:25,074
was the best move I've
ever made for this office.
304
00:12:25,099 --> 00:12:26,198
Why?
305
00:12:29,758 --> 00:12:31,326
Oh, Carol.
306
00:12:33,258 --> 00:12:34,692
Oh, God!
307
00:12:39,969 --> 00:12:41,135
Hey, Jack.
308
00:12:41,137 --> 00:12:42,637
Amy told me the good news.
309
00:12:42,639 --> 00:12:45,184
In my culture, when
two people start dating,
310
00:12:45,209 --> 00:12:46,808
you give them a present.
311
00:12:48,330 --> 00:12:49,964
They're condoms.
312
00:12:59,228 --> 00:13:02,563
Hm, I really thought
these would have wrappers.
313
00:13:07,245 --> 00:13:08,712
You seem to be enjoying this.
314
00:13:08,737 --> 00:13:12,100
Nice to see cocky Jack
Gordon uncomfortable for once.
315
00:13:12,102 --> 00:13:13,568
Yeah.
316
00:13:13,570 --> 00:13:16,671
Especially because of that
secret you have with Jack.
317
00:13:16,673 --> 00:13:18,239
[laughs]
318
00:13:18,420 --> 00:13:19,853
I don't know what you're talking about.
319
00:13:19,878 --> 00:13:22,145
Oh, I think you do.
320
00:13:25,052 --> 00:13:28,698
A real challenge... delicious!
321
00:13:29,852 --> 00:13:31,786
Just tell me what happened.
322
00:13:31,940 --> 00:13:33,306
Sex? Rehab? Embezzlement?
323
00:13:33,308 --> 00:13:34,941
Sex? Animal fighting? Hit and run?
324
00:13:34,943 --> 00:13:36,079
Sex? Roland's secret son?
325
00:13:36,104 --> 00:13:36,943
Damn it, woman!
326
00:13:36,945 --> 00:13:38,778
You're showing no emotion!
327
00:13:38,780 --> 00:13:40,980
How is this possible?!
328
00:13:41,756 --> 00:13:43,174
I'm British.
329
00:13:47,855 --> 00:13:50,690
I think the real
question should be, Mason,
330
00:13:50,934 --> 00:13:52,834
why the obsession with secrets?
331
00:13:53,928 --> 00:13:55,595
Who betrayed you?
332
00:13:55,909 --> 00:13:57,007
Mother? Father? Zendaya?
333
00:13:57,032 --> 00:13:58,698
Cheerleading squad? Ooh...
334
00:14:00,903 --> 00:14:03,238
I've got all I need.
335
00:14:06,740 --> 00:14:08,007
Good news!
336
00:14:09,815 --> 00:14:11,802
I got approval for a laptop,
337
00:14:11,827 --> 00:14:15,528
so now I can work up
here and W-2 with my boo.
338
00:14:18,096 --> 00:14:19,120
Boop!
339
00:14:22,823 --> 00:14:25,058
Jack, you better talk to her soon.
340
00:14:25,060 --> 00:14:27,594
She's only booped,
like, three other guys.
341
00:14:29,296 --> 00:14:30,363
Yeah.
342
00:14:30,365 --> 00:14:31,598
Man up, wuss.
343
00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:33,132
Hey, remember
344
00:14:33,134 --> 00:14:35,979
when I just called you a wuss?
I'm really sorry about that.
345
00:14:36,618 --> 00:14:38,570
I just, I'm finally bonding with Emma.
346
00:14:38,595 --> 00:14:39,706
It's so exciting.
347
00:14:40,118 --> 00:14:42,798
Clark, you sold out a friend
to score points with a girl.
348
00:14:43,211 --> 00:14:45,411
That means you're growing as a person.
349
00:14:45,413 --> 00:14:47,080
Thanks.
350
00:14:47,082 --> 00:14:48,881
How are you going to deal
with this Amy situation?
351
00:14:48,906 --> 00:14:50,717
Oh, I don't know!
352
00:14:50,719 --> 00:14:52,819
Usually I just tell a woman
it's over, hop on a plane,
353
00:14:52,821 --> 00:14:55,188
and suddenly she's the TSA's problem.
354
00:14:56,091 --> 00:14:57,290
I could help you.
355
00:14:58,281 --> 00:15:01,130
Uh, okay, so you've broken
up with tons of girls?
356
00:15:01,155 --> 00:15:02,788
[chuckles]: No.
357
00:15:04,765 --> 00:15:06,907
They've broken up with me.
358
00:15:07,302 --> 00:15:10,074
I know more about break-ups
than anyone except Taylor Swift
359
00:15:10,099 --> 00:15:12,466
and every person she has ever dated.
360
00:15:13,274 --> 00:15:15,041
I've been dumped by nine women,
361
00:15:15,043 --> 00:15:17,001
and I've only dated five of them.
362
00:15:17,970 --> 00:15:20,947
Wait, wait, so four strangers
just walked up to you
363
00:15:20,949 --> 00:15:22,366
and said, "It's over"?
364
00:15:22,391 --> 00:15:24,091
One of them was on a bike.
365
00:15:25,019 --> 00:15:27,387
The point is, the times I
actually felt okay with it
366
00:15:27,389 --> 00:15:29,022
was when the person showed they cared
367
00:15:29,024 --> 00:15:30,256
and let me talk through it.
368
00:15:30,258 --> 00:15:31,457
Okay, hold on.
369
00:15:31,459 --> 00:15:34,782
So the girl just rode by and shouted,
370
00:15:35,530 --> 00:15:37,196
"I don't want to see you anymore,"
371
00:15:37,198 --> 00:15:38,264
and kept going?
372
00:15:38,266 --> 00:15:39,332
Okay.
373
00:15:39,334 --> 00:15:41,334
You tried to teach me
how to get the girl?
374
00:15:41,336 --> 00:15:43,336
Now I'm going to teach you
how to break up with the girl.
375
00:15:43,338 --> 00:15:44,370
The right way.
376
00:15:44,372 --> 00:15:46,094
How are you going to possibly do that?
377
00:15:46,119 --> 00:15:49,575
With my proven method, which is...
378
00:15:49,718 --> 00:15:51,118
Hold on, give me an hour.
379
00:15:54,987 --> 00:15:57,089
Overthinking!
380
00:16:12,385 --> 00:16:14,452
Are you coaching me through a breakup,
381
00:16:14,454 --> 00:16:16,754
or is Jason Bourne on the loose again?
382
00:16:17,533 --> 00:16:19,429
The reason I overthink things
383
00:16:19,454 --> 00:16:22,249
is because I care about what
other people are feeling.
384
00:16:22,274 --> 00:16:24,163
That's what you need to learn: empathy.
385
00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:26,119
Okay, now, we don't
have the time to turn you
386
00:16:26,121 --> 00:16:27,638
into a fully evolved human being,
387
00:16:27,663 --> 00:16:29,957
so I'm going to teach you
how to appear to be one
388
00:16:29,959 --> 00:16:30,991
with the help of...
389
00:16:30,993 --> 00:16:32,659
Please do not say role-playing.
390
00:16:37,226 --> 00:16:39,333
I am Amy, you are you.
391
00:16:39,335 --> 00:16:40,567
Hey, Jack!
392
00:16:40,569 --> 00:16:41,835
Ugh, payroll!
393
00:16:41,837 --> 00:16:43,003
Boop!
394
00:16:43,005 --> 00:16:44,771
What are we doing tonight, sweetheart?
395
00:16:44,773 --> 00:16:46,210
Um, I'm breaking up with you.
396
00:16:46,235 --> 00:16:47,476
This isn't working.
397
00:16:47,501 --> 00:16:49,301
Boop!
398
00:16:49,645 --> 00:16:51,444
Very direct.
399
00:16:51,609 --> 00:16:53,342
But you want to leave her feeling good.
400
00:16:53,649 --> 00:16:54,781
Well, what do you suggest?
401
00:16:54,783 --> 00:16:56,049
Maybe some light over-the-clothes stuff
402
00:16:56,051 --> 00:16:57,217
before I bounce?
403
00:16:58,245 --> 00:17:01,380
Oh, my God, things
are a mess in payroll,
404
00:17:01,515 --> 00:17:04,668
my mom's sciatica is acting
up, and now you are leaving me?
405
00:17:04,693 --> 00:17:06,260
[fake crying]
406
00:17:06,507 --> 00:17:08,295
[whispers]: Touch me. Oh, no.
407
00:17:08,297 --> 00:17:11,732
[whispers]: Human contact...
that's how you show empathy.
408
00:17:13,019 --> 00:17:16,922
Oh! How is the back of your hand clammy?
409
00:17:17,843 --> 00:17:19,583
All right, lightning round.
410
00:17:19,608 --> 00:17:20,641
[buzzer sounds]
411
00:17:20,643 --> 00:17:21,909
So there's no future for us?
412
00:17:21,911 --> 00:17:23,076
Well, I don't know what you're up to,
413
00:17:23,078 --> 00:17:24,511
but I'm going to Burger King after this.
414
00:17:24,513 --> 00:17:25,479
[buzzer sounds]
415
00:17:25,481 --> 00:17:26,947
I thought we had something.
416
00:17:26,949 --> 00:17:28,515
We did have something.
417
00:17:28,517 --> 00:17:29,550
A one-night stand.
418
00:17:29,552 --> 00:17:30,984
[buzzer sounds]
419
00:17:30,986 --> 00:17:32,352
Is there someone else?
420
00:17:32,354 --> 00:17:33,687
There's everyone else.
421
00:17:33,689 --> 00:17:34,888
[buzzer sounds repeatedly]
422
00:17:34,890 --> 00:17:36,780
Oh, my God!
423
00:17:36,805 --> 00:17:38,705
I have been trying
to help you for hours,
424
00:17:38,730 --> 00:17:41,230
and at best, you have
made zero progress.
425
00:17:42,405 --> 00:17:45,132
It is like you are incapable of caring.
426
00:17:45,157 --> 00:17:47,558
Maybe I was right: you are a monster.
427
00:17:48,116 --> 00:17:49,002
Wow.
428
00:17:49,004 --> 00:17:50,037
I'm sorry, Clark.
429
00:17:50,039 --> 00:17:52,039
I can tell how frustrating
this is for you.
430
00:17:52,041 --> 00:17:54,163
No, I don't think you...
431
00:17:55,167 --> 00:17:56,543
Wait, what did you just say?
432
00:17:56,999 --> 00:17:59,523
Um, I'm sorry?
433
00:17:59,548 --> 00:18:03,077
Jack! You cared about how I felt!
434
00:18:03,109 --> 00:18:04,241
That's empathy!
435
00:18:04,656 --> 00:18:06,130
I'm sorry.
436
00:18:06,155 --> 00:18:07,321
You're sorry.
437
00:18:07,323 --> 00:18:09,323
- I'm sorry!
- You're sorry!
438
00:18:09,325 --> 00:18:10,991
- I'm sorry!
- I'm sorry!
439
00:18:10,993 --> 00:18:12,125
- I'm sorry!
- I'm sorry!
440
00:18:12,127 --> 00:18:13,126
I'm sorry!
441
00:18:13,128 --> 00:18:16,129
BOTH: I'm sorry, I'm sorry...
442
00:18:17,765 --> 00:18:18,749
Amy's almost here.
443
00:18:18,774 --> 00:18:21,124
Any last words of encouragement?
444
00:18:21,904 --> 00:18:24,037
Ignore all your instincts.
445
00:18:28,116 --> 00:18:30,043
Oh, my God, Clark.
446
00:18:30,045 --> 00:18:31,640
Don't look, it's pornography!
447
00:18:31,665 --> 00:18:34,585
The worst kind... Long-form narrative.
448
00:18:35,117 --> 00:18:38,352
"Clark's Playbook of Scenarios
to Help Jack Break Up with Amy"?
449
00:18:38,658 --> 00:18:40,108
Okay, I'll give in.
450
00:18:40,389 --> 00:18:43,679
It's my playbook of scenarios
to help Jack break up with Amy.
451
00:18:44,288 --> 00:18:45,554
It's a little overthinky, right?
452
00:18:45,728 --> 00:18:48,679
It's weird, but kind of sweet.
453
00:18:49,164 --> 00:18:51,231
I wish someone paid that
much attention to me.
454
00:18:52,698 --> 00:18:55,267
Maybe there's someone that does.
455
00:18:55,292 --> 00:18:57,892
And he's a lot closer than you think.
456
00:18:58,340 --> 00:19:01,541
Have you tried... online dating?
457
00:19:01,543 --> 00:19:02,976
Damn it, Clark.
458
00:19:04,379 --> 00:19:06,716
Amy, I wanted to talk to you because...
459
00:19:06,741 --> 00:19:07,381
Oh, I just thought
460
00:19:07,383 --> 00:19:09,818
of another crazy payroll story.
461
00:19:09,843 --> 00:19:10,984
Buckle up.
462
00:19:10,986 --> 00:19:12,386
It was a Friday, of course...
463
00:19:12,388 --> 00:19:14,721
BROOKE: Oh, no.
464
00:19:14,723 --> 00:19:16,056
He's tuning out.
465
00:19:16,058 --> 00:19:17,921
That's the look he gives
me when I try to tell him...
466
00:19:17,946 --> 00:19:19,993
Well, just about anything.
467
00:19:19,995 --> 00:19:21,862
We don't have that problem.
468
00:19:21,864 --> 00:19:25,132
Jack thinks every other
thing I say is "great"!
469
00:19:26,843 --> 00:19:29,611
No, no, no, he's got this,
just stay focused, Jack.
470
00:19:29,638 --> 00:19:31,805
...and that basic bitch had the nerve
471
00:19:31,807 --> 00:19:35,142
to change the margins on
my profit-loss statements?
472
00:19:35,144 --> 00:19:36,176
Mm-mmm.
473
00:19:36,178 --> 00:19:38,499
Amy, I need to talk to you.
474
00:19:38,524 --> 00:19:42,226
Look, I jumped into this
without thinking it through,
475
00:19:42,251 --> 00:19:44,335
and that's on me, so...
476
00:19:44,360 --> 00:19:46,193
What are you trying to say?
477
00:19:48,337 --> 00:19:50,272
[mouthing words]
478
00:19:52,688 --> 00:19:54,593
What I'm trying to say, Amy, is...
479
00:19:54,618 --> 00:19:57,118
What are you doing with your hands?
480
00:19:58,300 --> 00:19:59,534
[mouthing words]
481
00:20:02,698 --> 00:20:05,700
I realize that I have a
lot of growing up to do,
482
00:20:05,725 --> 00:20:08,765
and you and I aren't going to make it.
483
00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:11,411
Are you breaking up with me?
484
00:20:11,413 --> 00:20:12,879
Yes.
485
00:20:12,881 --> 00:20:14,047
I'm sorry.
486
00:20:15,216 --> 00:20:16,383
AMY: Wow.
487
00:20:17,679 --> 00:20:19,119
I appreciate your honesty,
488
00:20:19,593 --> 00:20:22,866
but when I look at the balance
sheet of our relationship,
489
00:20:22,891 --> 00:20:25,024
you're still kind of a jerk.
490
00:20:29,130 --> 00:20:30,464
[phone camera clicks]
491
00:20:34,597 --> 00:20:36,398
"Kind of a jerk."
492
00:20:37,572 --> 00:20:39,796
"Kind of a jerk!"
493
00:20:40,186 --> 00:20:42,219
- That's two steps above "monster."
- Mm hmm.
494
00:20:42,244 --> 00:20:43,116
I'm proud of you.
495
00:20:43,141 --> 00:20:45,545
Yeah, I keep this up,
by Christmas I'll just be
496
00:20:45,547 --> 00:20:46,980
"sort of unpleasant."
497
00:20:47,051 --> 00:20:49,685
And hey, I grabbed Emma's hand
without even thinking about it.
498
00:20:49,710 --> 00:20:50,450
Uh-huh!
499
00:20:50,481 --> 00:20:51,895
- Years ahead of schedule.
- Great!
500
00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:52,953
Oh, nice, you're doing that thing
501
00:20:52,955 --> 00:20:54,020
where you don't even listen to me.
502
00:20:54,022 --> 00:20:55,989
No, I'm interested,
I just need new words!
503
00:20:56,039 --> 00:21:00,589
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