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1
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2
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Hi.
3
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Yep, you guessed it:
4
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I'm a millennial.
5
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Which means
6
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I hate labels, like "millennial."
7
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Today, we're gonna teach you
8
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how to get the most out of us,
9
00:00:18,728 --> 00:00:21,596
like how you can take
an ordinary work task...
10
00:00:21,598 --> 00:00:23,832
Could you please refill
the coffee maker?
11
00:00:26,001 --> 00:00:27,669
And M.I.C. it up!
12
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ANNOUNCER: Make It Cool!
13
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I have a dope idea for a viral video.
14
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It's you refilling the coffee maker!
15
00:00:41,169 --> 00:00:43,651
But first, we'll show you how to manage
16
00:00:43,653 --> 00:00:44,886
with P.A.C.E.
17
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ANNOUNCER: Praise Above
Criticism Everytime.
18
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Recent scientists have proven
19
00:00:49,159 --> 00:00:51,159
that we millennials are like flowers
20
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that wilt in the shade of criticism
21
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and blossom in the rays of praise.
22
00:00:58,473 --> 00:00:59,856
Hey, Esther, how you doing?
23
00:00:59,881 --> 00:01:02,180
Ugh, last night I had the
most annoying three-way.
24
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Okay!
25
00:01:04,707 --> 00:01:06,774
Attention, precious flowers:
26
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I, Jack Gordon,
27
00:01:08,411 --> 00:01:10,812
have completed my millennial
sensitivity training,
28
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which means I get to boss
you ass-clowns around.
29
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"I'm Jack, and yelling at kids
makes me feel young again!"
30
00:01:18,722 --> 00:01:22,690
"Whatever happened to wearing
a suit to a baseball game?"
31
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Are you guys making fun of Jack?
32
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Okay, hold on, I got one, I got one.
33
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"I'm Jack Gordon,
34
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and every shirt looks great on me."
35
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[laughs]
36
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"You can open a beer on my calves.
37
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Durby-durby-durba!"
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Got him!
39
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That's an accurate impersonation of me
40
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right down to my beloved catchphrase,
41
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"Durdy-durdy-durdy."
42
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BROOKE: Dixon, you can't quit!
43
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You're one week into a
three-month internship.
44
00:01:47,293 --> 00:01:48,425
There's no way
45
00:01:48,427 --> 00:01:50,494
I'm missing Bonnaroo
to refill printer paper.
46
00:01:50,496 --> 00:01:53,030
But I tried to "Make It Cool!"
47
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By freestyle rapping about it?
48
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Dixon out.
49
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Just give me a few seconds of that rap
50
00:02:01,073 --> 00:02:04,673
and I promise I will only
watch it every day of my life.
51
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That is the third intern
we've lost this month.
52
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I'm so tired of dealing
53
00:02:10,212 --> 00:02:12,516
with these uppity products of nepotism.
54
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Tell me about it,
55
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only daughter of our
wealthy British publisher.
56
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HR stresses diversity, but
then why do they stick me
57
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with the same rich, white interns?
58
00:02:22,104 --> 00:02:24,394
Brooke, I've been to the most
dangerous places in the world...
59
00:02:24,396 --> 00:02:26,129
Iraq, Sudan...
60
00:02:26,131 --> 00:02:28,165
But there's one place I refuse to go,
61
00:02:28,167 --> 00:02:30,000
and that's this conversation.
62
00:02:30,454 --> 00:02:32,669
Just pick the next intern yourself.
63
00:02:32,671 --> 00:02:34,697
I would, but I have to do
Clark's performance review.
64
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Oh! Oh, me!
65
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Over here! Me, right here!
66
00:02:37,376 --> 00:02:38,842
Please, let me do it!
67
00:02:38,844 --> 00:02:40,911
Okay, the last time you
got this excited about Clark
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was when you realized you could fit him
69
00:02:42,214 --> 00:02:43,981
inside the inter-office mail bin.
70
00:02:43,983 --> 00:02:45,816
Yeah, and if you hadn't interfered,
71
00:02:45,818 --> 00:02:48,252
he would be Accounts
Payable's problem right now.
72
00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:51,221
Look, he's a smart kid and he's sweet,
73
00:02:51,223 --> 00:02:54,091
but he needs mentoring,
just like Roland mentored me.
74
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My dad got you drunk,
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00:02:55,828 --> 00:02:58,562
then left you tied to a dog
sled 200 miles from Anchorage.
76
00:02:58,564 --> 00:03:02,432
What you call "mentoring"
is now known as "bullying."
77
00:03:02,434 --> 00:03:05,135
I just want to help him
become a better writer
78
00:03:05,137 --> 00:03:06,737
and then it would make
the magazine better.
79
00:03:06,739 --> 00:03:08,572
And I learned a lot from those dogs:
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00:03:08,574 --> 00:03:09,840
teamwork, leadership,
81
00:03:09,842 --> 00:03:12,442
how to drop a deuce on the run...
82
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All right, all right, fine.
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00:03:16,181 --> 00:03:17,748
All you have to do is read the review,
84
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which is already typed up.
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"I'm M.C. Brooke and I'm here to say,
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'Who swiped all the A4
from the paper tray?'"
87
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Give me that back!
88
00:03:29,298 --> 00:03:31,395
Here is Clark's review.
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00:03:31,397 --> 00:03:33,997
And Jack, remember, you can't
go barking orders at people
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00:03:33,999 --> 00:03:36,466
like you do on one of your
life-or-death expeditions.
91
00:03:36,468 --> 00:03:38,402
You're in an office now.
92
00:03:38,404 --> 00:03:39,369
Look.
93
00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:42,074
The stakes have never been lower.
94
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I can handle zero-pressure situations.
95
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I get it.
96
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This is the small time.
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98
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- Synced and corrected by javiernv -
- www.addic7ed.com -
99
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[phone ringing]
100
00:04:03,561 --> 00:04:05,963
Clark Robertson, performance review:
101
00:04:05,965 --> 00:04:07,431
take one.
102
00:04:07,433 --> 00:04:10,033
Our young hero enters and sits.
103
00:04:10,035 --> 00:04:12,193
And our young hero is out of breath.
104
00:04:12,218 --> 00:04:13,247
Are you all right, Clark?
105
00:04:13,272 --> 00:04:15,272
Yeah, just excited.
106
00:04:15,274 --> 00:04:16,573
And also I think I'm allergic
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to most of the carpets in the office.
108
00:04:18,277 --> 00:04:20,937
But what am I gonna do, not work here?
109
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[laughing]
110
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Don't spoil the ending.
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All right, "Clark, you are a
gift to Outdoor Limits."
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"Your enthusiasm, work
ethic, and ridonk story ideas
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have more than earned you
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the nickname 'Junior Jack. ""
115
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Why do you know all the words?
116
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Does Brooke let you see this beforehand?
117
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No! No, no, no, no.
118
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She lets us write them.
119
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What?!
120
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Under "Where Do You See Yourself
in Six Months," you wrote...
121
00:04:48,674 --> 00:04:50,773
"Jack's friend."
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Clark, when I'm on an expedition,
123
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there's no time for any of this.
124
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People do what I say,
or they die... to death.
125
00:04:58,150 --> 00:04:59,950
So take a guess why I haven't responded
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00:04:59,952 --> 00:05:02,419
to any of your pitches
for a feature article.
127
00:05:02,421 --> 00:05:04,321
You don't know how to check email.
128
00:05:05,187 --> 00:05:06,804
You're a decent writer,
129
00:05:06,829 --> 00:05:07,781
but look what you're writing about.
130
00:05:07,806 --> 00:05:10,093
Last week, you
interviewed Andreas Jansen,
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00:05:10,095 --> 00:05:12,329
the premier free diver in the world.
132
00:05:12,331 --> 00:05:13,497
And what was your question?
133
00:05:13,499 --> 00:05:15,165
"Which Gilmore Girl are you?"
134
00:05:16,826 --> 00:05:17,687
He said Lauren Graham!
135
00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:19,033
That's crazy!
136
00:05:19,905 --> 00:05:21,838
Then the next article,
you followed that up with,
137
00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:23,907
"I Gave a Pig a Cantaloupe:
138
00:05:23,909 --> 00:05:25,375
You'll Never Guess What Happened."
139
00:05:25,377 --> 00:05:26,943
Let me guess: he ate it.
140
00:05:26,945 --> 00:05:28,378
He ate it.
141
00:05:29,273 --> 00:05:31,248
Listen, those get us a lot of hits.
142
00:05:31,250 --> 00:05:32,482
Because they're clickbait!
143
00:05:32,484 --> 00:05:34,384
Okay, I have written
at least ten articles
144
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that are not clickbait.
145
00:05:35,921 --> 00:05:38,789
You'll never guess what number four was.
146
00:05:38,791 --> 00:05:40,891
Look, it's great that
you can write stuff
147
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that generates hits,
148
00:05:42,094 --> 00:05:44,461
but real articles have substance,
149
00:05:44,463 --> 00:05:47,831
and you'll never get a feature
until you understand that.
150
00:05:47,833 --> 00:05:53,336
Okay, now, what issue of yours
should we move on to next?
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00:05:53,338 --> 00:05:54,938
Your horrible grammar,
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00:05:54,940 --> 00:05:56,206
urinal etiquette,
153
00:05:56,208 --> 00:05:58,775
or should we just go
straight to the unfixables?
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Cut!
155
00:06:00,345 --> 00:06:02,512
Do you really think my
urinal etiquette is fixable?
156
00:06:02,514 --> 00:06:05,215
You don't have to pull
your pants all the way down.
157
00:06:08,468 --> 00:06:09,619
Hey, you two.
158
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Who's up for a fun assignment?
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You had me at "fun."
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And lost me at "assignment."
161
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I was hoping to get some help
in selecting the new intern,
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the priority of course being diversity.
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And you're asking us because...
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Because...
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ZEB: I think she asked you
because you're black and Asian.
166
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No, that's not what I said!
167
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Don't put words into my mouth, Zeb.
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I actually don't see color.
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Whoa.
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I only see color?
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Whoa!
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Oh, I'm sorry, I just...
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[sighs]
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Guys...
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"Guys"?
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Oh, brother.
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"Brother"?
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ZEB: Someone please
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describe Brooke's face to me right now.
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What did I ever do to you, Zeb?
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00:06:57,536 --> 00:07:00,237
ZEB: Uh, make me live
in a tent for 30 days?
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00:07:00,905 --> 00:07:02,939
Brooke, relax, we're
just messing with you.
183
00:07:02,941 --> 00:07:04,975
It's actually kind of cool
what you're trying to do here.
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00:07:04,977 --> 00:07:06,243
Okay, thank you, Mason.
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00:07:06,245 --> 00:07:07,778
And for the record,
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I only asked you two to
help with the diversity hire
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because you're the
first two people I saw.
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00:07:11,950 --> 00:07:13,850
ZEB: Oh, so you were
looking for white people
189
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but then settled for them?
190
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Not what I said!
191
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Wazzzuuuppp?!
192
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Wazzzuuuppp?!
193
00:07:25,531 --> 00:07:28,398
Do you think we're the last
two people still doing that?
194
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Definitely.
195
00:07:30,668 --> 00:07:31,701
You look happy.
196
00:07:31,703 --> 00:07:32,903
Yeah, I just gave Clark
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00:07:32,905 --> 00:07:34,337
a classic performance review,
198
00:07:34,339 --> 00:07:36,373
like the ones that
Roland used to give me.
199
00:07:36,375 --> 00:07:39,209
Those were the only
times I ever saw you cry.
200
00:07:39,211 --> 00:07:41,511
That and when you
lost your pet tortoise.
201
00:07:42,311 --> 00:07:44,915
Gary Turtlepants is not lost.
202
00:07:44,917 --> 00:07:48,518
He is out there somewhere,
trying to get home.
203
00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:50,573
And he is scared.
204
00:07:52,571 --> 00:07:53,803
I know he is.
205
00:07:54,226 --> 00:07:55,625
But I bet you he's really proud
206
00:07:55,627 --> 00:07:57,394
of how you're adjusting to your new job.
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00:07:58,177 --> 00:08:02,180
[phone ringing]
208
00:08:02,205 --> 00:08:03,438
Remember these things?
209
00:08:04,475 --> 00:08:05,905
Excuse me.
210
00:08:06,267 --> 00:08:07,433
Eddie's.
211
00:08:08,683 --> 00:08:10,108
Yeah, he's here.
212
00:08:10,676 --> 00:08:12,108
Yeah, I'll send him back.
213
00:08:13,411 --> 00:08:14,678
That was your office.
214
00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:15,745
HR is looking for you.
215
00:08:16,111 --> 00:08:17,180
Are you in trouble?
216
00:08:17,182 --> 00:08:18,849
Will, since they knew
to find me in a bar
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00:08:18,851 --> 00:08:21,952
in the middle of a workday,
I'm gonna go with yes.
218
00:08:26,025 --> 00:08:27,757
Welcome, Mr. Gordon.
219
00:08:27,759 --> 00:08:29,359
Uh, is this where I play
220
00:08:29,361 --> 00:08:30,894
while my mom and dad use the gym?
221
00:08:31,681 --> 00:08:35,232
Our younger workforce
prefers a safe space.
222
00:08:35,234 --> 00:08:37,200
We're all adjusting.
223
00:08:37,225 --> 00:08:38,454
For instance,
224
00:08:38,456 --> 00:08:41,156
I realized I can no longer wear a skirt.
225
00:08:46,705 --> 00:08:47,377
[clears throat]
226
00:08:48,165 --> 00:08:51,408
This is about your recent
performance review of Clark.
227
00:08:51,658 --> 00:08:52,984
Hi, what are you in for?
228
00:08:53,009 --> 00:08:55,252
Excessive hotness?
229
00:08:55,254 --> 00:08:56,786
I'm Clark's mom.
230
00:08:56,788 --> 00:08:58,221
[laughs]
231
00:08:58,223 --> 00:09:02,225
Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.
232
00:09:02,227 --> 00:09:05,762
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
233
00:09:05,764 --> 00:09:07,664
No.
234
00:09:08,190 --> 00:09:11,111
My son played me the video
of his performance review.
235
00:09:11,203 --> 00:09:14,004
Clark showed his mom
his performance review?
236
00:09:14,006 --> 00:09:15,772
Clark brought his mom into work?
237
00:09:15,774 --> 00:09:16,790
Clark's mom is hot?
238
00:09:16,815 --> 00:09:18,517
What is happening?!
239
00:09:19,444 --> 00:09:21,314
No one speaks to my son the way you did.
240
00:09:21,339 --> 00:09:22,472
Oh, yeah they do.
241
00:09:22,497 --> 00:09:23,829
Did you see the footage?
242
00:09:24,494 --> 00:09:26,816
Growing up, Clark had ten heroes.
243
00:09:26,818 --> 00:09:29,653
You'll never guess who number three was.
244
00:09:30,515 --> 00:09:33,117
Oh my God, you are Clark's mom.
245
00:09:34,024 --> 00:09:35,844
And I had to build him up a lot
246
00:09:35,878 --> 00:09:37,905
just to get him to try out for soccer,
247
00:09:38,298 --> 00:09:39,963
or write for the school paper,
248
00:09:39,965 --> 00:09:42,899
or believe he was tall enough
to enter the pageant circuit.
249
00:09:43,236 --> 00:09:44,401
What was his talent?
250
00:09:44,403 --> 00:09:45,902
Sweating?
251
00:09:45,904 --> 00:09:48,033
And now you're sweat-shaming him.
252
00:09:48,549 --> 00:09:50,884
Jack, your review crushed him.
253
00:09:50,909 --> 00:09:53,369
Oh, come on, I didn't crush him.
254
00:09:53,601 --> 00:09:57,036
Get ready, Clark, because
I'm about to crush you.
255
00:09:59,905 --> 00:10:01,431
I'm genuinely convinced
256
00:10:01,456 --> 00:10:04,257
your articles are making
our country dumber.
257
00:10:05,031 --> 00:10:08,033
Your email signature
is just the poop emoji.
258
00:10:09,529 --> 00:10:11,463
Stop talking about Hamilton!
259
00:10:12,630 --> 00:10:14,955
Okay, so I was tough on him,
260
00:10:14,980 --> 00:10:17,244
but he's never gonna learn
if he can't take criticism.
261
00:10:17,269 --> 00:10:18,768
Look, when I'm up on the mountain...
262
00:10:18,770 --> 00:10:20,570
You're no longer up on the mountain!
263
00:10:21,501 --> 00:10:24,685
In this office, we practice P.A.C.E....
264
00:10:24,687 --> 00:10:27,978
"Praise Above Criticism Everytime."
265
00:10:28,003 --> 00:10:29,703
That says "Diversity is Yummy."
266
00:10:31,197 --> 00:10:32,525
Did they move the poster?
267
00:10:32,550 --> 00:10:35,872
I can't turn around in these chairs.
268
00:10:36,154 --> 00:10:38,699
Look, Clark is really...
269
00:10:39,298 --> 00:10:42,625
...full of energy, and he definitely...
270
00:10:42,978 --> 00:10:44,861
...works here.
271
00:10:44,886 --> 00:10:47,142
But I have to think
of the magazine first.
272
00:10:47,167 --> 00:10:48,600
And so do I.
273
00:10:48,890 --> 00:10:51,057
That's why I asked Philip to shadow you
274
00:10:51,036 --> 00:10:52,936
to make sure you comply.
275
00:10:52,938 --> 00:10:55,638
You're giving me a
babysitter, and it's Philip?
276
00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:57,874
The guy that had to conduct
sexual harassment seminars
277
00:10:57,876 --> 00:11:00,043
with a magazine over his lap?
278
00:11:00,045 --> 00:11:02,673
He's working on that!
279
00:11:04,242 --> 00:11:06,994
Any more criticism of
Clark and you'll be demoted
280
00:11:07,019 --> 00:11:09,915
to a non-leadership position
and suspended without pay.
281
00:11:09,940 --> 00:11:11,139
This meeting is over.
282
00:11:11,718 --> 00:11:14,219
I wouldn't get up yet, Philip.
283
00:11:22,033 --> 00:11:23,132
Philip, you don't need to follow me.
284
00:11:23,134 --> 00:11:24,577
I'm committed to helping Clark.
285
00:11:24,602 --> 00:11:26,469
I'm not going to
ridicule him. [laughing]
286
00:11:28,270 --> 00:11:29,370
Nice vest.
287
00:11:29,395 --> 00:11:30,961
Marty McFly called...
288
00:11:33,909 --> 00:11:35,767
...and I let it go to voicemail.
289
00:11:37,853 --> 00:11:40,696
So, uh, what are you up to?
290
00:11:41,462 --> 00:11:44,555
Just trying to cheer myself up
with some photos from Saturday.
291
00:11:44,580 --> 00:11:45,921
My Frisbee golf team and I
292
00:11:45,923 --> 00:11:47,723
got hopped up on Bacardi Breezers
293
00:11:47,725 --> 00:11:49,925
and went to a silent disco.
294
00:11:51,379 --> 00:11:53,540
That sounds fun.
295
00:11:53,930 --> 00:11:58,100
You sound like a fun guy
with friends that are cool.
296
00:11:59,094 --> 00:12:00,526
And fun.
297
00:12:02,642 --> 00:12:04,709
Jack, you're being super nice to me.
298
00:12:04,789 --> 00:12:06,422
Are you dying?
299
00:12:07,775 --> 00:12:09,411
A little.
300
00:12:09,877 --> 00:12:11,844
So, let's talk about your ideas
301
00:12:11,846 --> 00:12:13,745
that are worth my time and attention.
302
00:12:13,747 --> 00:12:16,072
Well, I was thinking, you know,
303
00:12:16,097 --> 00:12:17,197
you've done a lot of stories
304
00:12:17,222 --> 00:12:18,788
about living with animals in the wild.
305
00:12:19,015 --> 00:12:20,581
What if we flipped that
306
00:12:20,606 --> 00:12:22,306
and we got the animals to come here
307
00:12:22,356 --> 00:12:25,095
to the office as a commentary on...
308
00:12:25,283 --> 00:12:27,926
Never mind, you look disgusted.
309
00:12:27,928 --> 00:12:29,761
No, no, I'm not disgusted.
310
00:12:29,763 --> 00:12:32,097
This is my thinking face.
311
00:12:32,931 --> 00:12:33,632
Oh, cool.
312
00:12:33,634 --> 00:12:37,356
Okay, see, it's animals
posing as office workers.
313
00:12:37,381 --> 00:12:38,814
Here's a mock-up I put together.
314
00:12:44,410 --> 00:12:45,944
Wow, I can tell by your face
315
00:12:45,946 --> 00:12:48,330
you're really thinking hard right now.
316
00:12:48,557 --> 00:12:52,408
Yes, that looks convincing, realistic...
317
00:12:52,587 --> 00:12:54,345
Plus, these apex predators
318
00:12:54,370 --> 00:12:56,900
will simply love flash photography.
319
00:12:57,458 --> 00:12:58,509
Seriously?
320
00:12:58,534 --> 00:13:00,334
So can we plan the
photo shoot for tomorrow?
321
00:13:01,561 --> 00:13:03,662
Who could say no to that?
322
00:13:04,823 --> 00:13:06,524
Anybody?
323
00:13:07,736 --> 00:13:09,517
Do you like this idea, Philip?
324
00:13:09,542 --> 00:13:12,176
We can usually tell
when you like something.
325
00:13:16,545 --> 00:13:19,013
Okay, so I have all the
diversity candidates here.
326
00:13:19,038 --> 00:13:20,570
I've arranged them into piles
327
00:13:20,595 --> 00:13:22,626
based on the standard
diversity categories.
328
00:13:22,651 --> 00:13:25,018
Wait, you segregated the r?sum?s?
329
00:13:25,753 --> 00:13:28,654
Which I now realize was a bad idea.
330
00:13:28,656 --> 00:13:32,424
So many qualified candidates:
331
00:13:32,426 --> 00:13:35,994
African Americans,
Hispanics, some gay people...
332
00:13:36,019 --> 00:13:37,462
- Whoa!
- Hold on!
333
00:13:37,464 --> 00:13:39,308
Now you're just throwing labels around.
334
00:13:39,333 --> 00:13:41,580
Yeah, most labels lead
to wrong assumptions.
335
00:13:41,582 --> 00:13:42,947
Like just because I'm Asian,
336
00:13:42,972 --> 00:13:45,039
people assume I'm great at math.
337
00:13:45,172 --> 00:13:47,105
But I totally suck at it.
338
00:13:49,056 --> 00:13:50,409
Okay, no labels.
339
00:13:50,411 --> 00:13:52,978
So, uh, Maria Vasquez,
340
00:13:52,980 --> 00:13:55,380
of indeterminate origin.
341
00:13:57,383 --> 00:13:58,951
Looks like she actually might be...
342
00:13:58,953 --> 00:13:59,685
Whoa!
343
00:13:59,687 --> 00:14:00,686
Hold on!
344
00:14:00,688 --> 00:14:01,987
What is it this time?
345
00:14:01,989 --> 00:14:03,255
Uh, you said "she"
346
00:14:03,257 --> 00:14:04,957
and attached a gender label to Maria
347
00:14:04,959 --> 00:14:07,192
like you didn't get
woke two minutes ago!
348
00:14:07,194 --> 00:14:09,027
I'm woke!
349
00:14:09,029 --> 00:14:11,296
You know I'm woke!
350
00:14:11,298 --> 00:14:13,699
Anyway, what am I
supposed to say instead?
351
00:14:13,701 --> 00:14:15,300
"They" or "them."
352
00:14:15,302 --> 00:14:16,902
Wait, so I call her "they"?
353
00:14:16,904 --> 00:14:18,837
No, you call them "they"
354
00:14:18,839 --> 00:14:21,974
So if I call they "them,"
they would appreciate it.
355
00:14:21,976 --> 00:14:25,444
No, if you call them
"them" they'll appreciate it.
356
00:14:26,228 --> 00:14:27,779
Okay, Maria's out.
357
00:14:27,781 --> 00:14:29,478
Oh, so now you're outing her?
358
00:14:29,503 --> 00:14:31,036
Now you're outing them!
359
00:14:32,457 --> 00:14:34,525
Okay, me is calling this meeting.
360
00:14:34,715 --> 00:14:38,083
By tomorrow, please narrow
these 43 candidates down to six.
361
00:14:38,108 --> 00:14:41,476
So we're only going to meet
with 13.95% of the candidates?
362
00:14:43,067 --> 00:14:43,978
I lied before.
363
00:14:44,003 --> 00:14:45,502
I'm actually incredible at math.
364
00:14:52,564 --> 00:14:53,876
This is so exciting!
365
00:14:53,901 --> 00:14:55,401
My first real feature!
366
00:14:55,843 --> 00:14:56,720
But I'm a little worried
367
00:14:56,745 --> 00:14:58,645
we might not get all the shots we need.
368
00:15:01,134 --> 00:15:04,383
Oh, I'm sure the crime scene
photographer will take plenty.
369
00:15:04,385 --> 00:15:06,818
ESTHER: Hey, that leopard's being
370
00:15:06,820 --> 00:15:08,020
a real diva.
371
00:15:08,022 --> 00:15:10,255
He won't let us duct
tape a cigar to his paw.
372
00:15:10,257 --> 00:15:13,225
But we need that for the "fat cat" shot!
373
00:15:13,227 --> 00:15:14,526
Aw, next you're gonna tell me
374
00:15:14,528 --> 00:15:16,061
he doesn't want to wear the monocle.
375
00:15:16,063 --> 00:15:17,596
I know, right?
376
00:15:18,165 --> 00:15:20,499
Also, is it bad if a timber wolf
377
00:15:20,501 --> 00:15:22,845
eats a two-month supply of ADD meds?
378
00:15:24,158 --> 00:15:25,570
No, not at all.
379
00:15:25,572 --> 00:15:27,406
At least now he'll be
completely focused...
380
00:15:27,681 --> 00:15:29,298
On killing us.
381
00:15:30,087 --> 00:15:31,710
This is all falling apart.
382
00:15:31,735 --> 00:15:33,220
What am I doing wrong, Jack?
383
00:15:33,245 --> 00:15:34,880
Well, I really can't answer that,
384
00:15:34,882 --> 00:15:36,381
but I can get
385
00:15:36,383 --> 00:15:39,251
some of the more adorable
animals to safety.
386
00:15:39,253 --> 00:15:41,386
That includes this lemur.
387
00:15:41,388 --> 00:15:42,687
And me.
388
00:15:42,689 --> 00:15:46,158
Uh, so everyone, be still!
389
00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:48,986
Remember, no sudden good ideas.
390
00:15:57,638 --> 00:15:59,539
What is wrong with me?
391
00:15:59,564 --> 00:16:02,065
I literally couldn't stop
offending Mason and Emma.
392
00:16:02,067 --> 00:16:04,167
I'm supposed to be the
millennial whisperer.
393
00:16:04,169 --> 00:16:05,134
Oh, Brooke,
394
00:16:05,136 --> 00:16:06,402
you'll always be that sad nickname
395
00:16:06,404 --> 00:16:08,705
that you gave yourself.
396
00:16:08,707 --> 00:16:10,006
Come on,
397
00:16:10,008 --> 00:16:12,141
diversity in the workplace
isn't as hard as it seems.
398
00:16:12,658 --> 00:16:15,619
Then again, I'm self-employed,
so I completely nailed it.
399
00:16:16,847 --> 00:16:17,814
What's wrong, Jack?
400
00:16:17,934 --> 00:16:18,900
I'm just in my head
401
00:16:18,934 --> 00:16:20,267
about what I should do about Clark.
402
00:16:20,292 --> 00:16:24,853
Jack, you tried giving praise
and you tried being harsh.
403
00:16:25,423 --> 00:16:27,357
Now what do you think you should try?
404
00:16:27,915 --> 00:16:28,925
Ah!
405
00:16:28,927 --> 00:16:31,427
Double down on being harsh.
406
00:16:32,691 --> 00:16:34,292
Do I have to solve everyone's problems?
407
00:16:34,833 --> 00:16:37,447
You have to stop doubting
yourself and take action.
408
00:16:37,472 --> 00:16:39,706
You have to stop being
the mentor you needed
409
00:16:39,731 --> 00:16:41,381
and be the mentor Clark needs.
410
00:16:41,406 --> 00:16:42,572
And you?
411
00:16:43,660 --> 00:16:44,814
I've got no problem with you.
412
00:16:44,844 --> 00:16:45,776
You're cute as hell.
413
00:16:46,887 --> 00:16:48,254
But you're also a giant rat,
414
00:16:48,279 --> 00:16:49,745
so you all gotta get out of here.
415
00:16:57,265 --> 00:16:58,732
Sorry!
416
00:16:58,757 --> 00:17:00,823
Brooke, we've been waiting for you.
417
00:17:00,825 --> 00:17:02,725
We settled on the candidate hours ago.
418
00:17:02,727 --> 00:17:04,727
Why didn't you just do some other work?
419
00:17:04,994 --> 00:17:07,974
It honestly didn't occur to us.
420
00:17:08,626 --> 00:17:09,732
Brooke?
421
00:17:09,734 --> 00:17:10,900
Just wanted to let you know
422
00:17:10,902 --> 00:17:12,435
we went ahead and hired our new intern.
423
00:17:12,437 --> 00:17:13,469
What?
424
00:17:13,471 --> 00:17:15,305
He came very highly recommended.
425
00:17:15,307 --> 00:17:16,539
By his father,
426
00:17:16,541 --> 00:17:19,033
who's our magazine's biggest advertiser.
427
00:17:19,634 --> 00:17:21,103
Connor Worthington?
428
00:17:21,128 --> 00:17:23,757
Under interests, it says "Tom Brady"
429
00:17:23,782 --> 00:17:26,564
and "belts with little whales on them""
430
00:17:26,985 --> 00:17:28,251
Under career objectives,
431
00:17:28,276 --> 00:17:31,711
it just says "Make America Lit Again."
432
00:17:31,736 --> 00:17:33,603
This is unacceptable!
433
00:17:33,628 --> 00:17:36,896
Diversity is, like the
poster says, "yummy."
434
00:17:36,921 --> 00:17:40,142
I am sorry, but I insist
the position be filled by...
435
00:17:41,697 --> 00:17:43,131
Sunitha Patel.
436
00:17:43,321 --> 00:17:46,389
I'm sure they'll be an
excellent addition to our team,
437
00:17:46,414 --> 00:17:48,642
and I'm very excited to meet them.
438
00:17:49,548 --> 00:17:52,197
As long as they know
how to refill toner,
439
00:17:52,222 --> 00:17:53,603
them's hired.
440
00:17:56,268 --> 00:17:57,802
Pretty woke.
441
00:17:57,835 --> 00:17:59,601
I thought so, too.
442
00:17:59,751 --> 00:18:02,485
That felt amazing!
443
00:18:02,487 --> 00:18:04,187
Sunitha Patel.
444
00:18:04,189 --> 00:18:07,259
This more than makes up for
my people colonizing India!
445
00:18:07,284 --> 00:18:09,318
No, no!
446
00:18:14,205 --> 00:18:16,228
Jack, where have you been?
447
00:18:16,253 --> 00:18:18,887
Bad news: there's a
wolverine in the AC duct.
448
00:18:18,912 --> 00:18:21,666
Good news: not so cold in here.
449
00:18:21,691 --> 00:18:23,126
Clark, I'm about to give you
450
00:18:23,151 --> 00:18:25,751
the most constructive
criticism of your life.
451
00:18:26,077 --> 00:18:27,822
Philip, have a lemur.
452
00:18:27,847 --> 00:18:30,214
It's his mating season,
so cover your ear holes.
453
00:18:31,932 --> 00:18:33,833
Look.
454
00:18:34,822 --> 00:18:37,455
To call this situation a dumpster fire
455
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:40,347
would be an insult to
flaming piles of trash.
456
00:18:40,635 --> 00:18:41,556
I knew it.
457
00:18:41,581 --> 00:18:44,214
I just wanted to be a great
journalist, but I suck.
458
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:46,360
You don't suck at journalism.
459
00:18:46,464 --> 00:18:48,931
You just suck at knowing
what your actual talents are
460
00:18:48,933 --> 00:18:50,533
because you've been overly praised,
461
00:18:50,535 --> 00:18:52,902
under criticized, and
excessively "mom" -ed.
462
00:18:52,904 --> 00:18:54,611
Hot "mom" -ed.
463
00:18:55,807 --> 00:18:57,640
You're on to something, Jack.
464
00:18:57,642 --> 00:18:59,876
Just saying I'm a great writer
465
00:18:59,878 --> 00:19:02,979
or a pageant prince or six-foot-two
466
00:19:02,981 --> 00:19:04,353
doesn't make it true.
467
00:19:04,378 --> 00:19:07,146
I need a boss like you
to help me be the real me:
468
00:19:07,171 --> 00:19:10,072
a normal, regular, six-foot guy.
469
00:19:11,422 --> 00:19:13,589
I'm shorter than six feet?!
470
00:19:14,867 --> 00:19:17,269
We'll cover height another day.
471
00:19:18,150 --> 00:19:19,996
You think there's any
way to save this feature?
472
00:19:19,998 --> 00:19:21,564
No way in hell.
473
00:19:21,566 --> 00:19:24,500
But what you can do is
pay for this disaster
474
00:19:24,502 --> 00:19:26,969
by turning it into
revenue-generating clickbait.
475
00:19:26,971 --> 00:19:28,704
Then, assuming we live through this,
476
00:19:29,104 --> 00:19:31,666
we'll start talking
about your first feature.
477
00:19:32,710 --> 00:19:34,077
Hey.
478
00:19:34,243 --> 00:19:36,489
So I was accidentally hooking
up with one of the handlers,
479
00:19:36,514 --> 00:19:39,228
and it appears that his
boa constrictor has escaped.
480
00:19:39,818 --> 00:19:42,618
That is both real and a euphemism.
481
00:19:55,963 --> 00:19:58,056
Yo, I'm an old,
482
00:19:58,081 --> 00:20:00,715
which means I still pay
money for my email address.
483
00:20:01,861 --> 00:20:03,095
And yes, that smell
484
00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:06,400
is the tuna fish sandwich
I packed for lunch.
485
00:20:06,841 --> 00:20:09,001
Today, we're gonna teach you
486
00:20:09,026 --> 00:20:10,676
how to put up with us.
487
00:20:10,678 --> 00:20:12,678
Like when it comes to technology,
488
00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:15,248
you should... wait for the D.R.O.P.!
489
00:20:15,250 --> 00:20:17,736
ANNOUNCER: Don't Rush Old People!
490
00:20:17,786 --> 00:20:22,336
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