Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:10,105 --> 00:00:11,514
You want me to hand you these beers,
2
00:00:11,539 --> 00:00:13,348
or should I just text them?
3
00:00:13,629 --> 00:00:16,486
We're not texting, we're swiping.
4
00:00:17,328 --> 00:00:19,026
For matches.
5
00:00:19,087 --> 00:00:20,587
On a dating app.
6
00:00:26,073 --> 00:00:28,207
Hey.
7
00:00:28,627 --> 00:00:30,743
What if I told you
there was a dating app
8
00:00:30,745 --> 00:00:33,379
that would allow you to
meet actual human beings
9
00:00:33,381 --> 00:00:34,880
right now?
10
00:00:34,882 --> 00:00:36,248
You know what it's called?
11
00:00:36,250 --> 00:00:37,920
A bar.
12
00:00:38,881 --> 00:00:41,086
Ew, is that for Android?
13
00:00:41,088 --> 00:00:43,388
It's for people...
You're in one right now.
14
00:00:43,413 --> 00:00:44,757
You walk up to someone, you talk,
15
00:00:44,759 --> 00:00:47,226
and if you like each other,
you're already on a date.
16
00:00:48,008 --> 00:00:49,528
So you just walk up to some stranger
17
00:00:49,530 --> 00:00:51,463
while they're out with their friends?
18
00:00:51,465 --> 00:00:52,631
Creepy.
19
00:00:52,633 --> 00:00:53,933
[phone dings]
20
00:00:53,935 --> 00:00:56,468
Ooh, that guy messaged me.
21
00:00:56,470 --> 00:00:57,837
"What's up?"
22
00:00:57,839 --> 00:01:00,739
Wow, he's good.
23
00:01:00,741 --> 00:01:03,809
Well, this has been...
24
00:01:03,811 --> 00:01:05,377
Bad.
25
00:01:05,723 --> 00:01:07,277
It's been bad.
26
00:01:09,482 --> 00:01:10,850
You look sick to your stomach.
27
00:01:10,852 --> 00:01:13,452
[softly]: I told you never
to eat the food in here!
28
00:01:13,454 --> 00:01:15,120
No.
29
00:01:15,122 --> 00:01:17,456
It's the A.V. club and
their stupid dating apps.
30
00:01:17,458 --> 00:01:20,259
Ah, another stubborn
rejection of technology
31
00:01:20,260 --> 00:01:23,962
from the old man who once said,
"3G is already plenty of G."
32
00:01:23,987 --> 00:01:25,281
It is.
33
00:01:25,282 --> 00:01:26,601
You know, Jack, the game has changed
34
00:01:26,626 --> 00:01:28,500
since you moved back into the city.
35
00:01:28,502 --> 00:01:30,102
Dating apps are totally mainstream now.
36
00:01:30,104 --> 00:01:31,203
Yeah, it's true.
37
00:01:31,205 --> 00:01:32,271
It's actually how I met Paul.
38
00:01:32,273 --> 00:01:33,138
Oh, really?
39
00:01:33,140 --> 00:01:35,507
What was the app,
Khaki Meets Cardigan?
40
00:01:36,744 --> 00:01:38,043
I'm kidding, I got another one.
41
00:01:38,045 --> 00:01:40,422
Oh, what was the app, Blander?
42
00:01:41,143 --> 00:01:41,912
Trust me.
43
00:01:41,937 --> 00:01:43,215
All the women you used to meet in bars?
44
00:01:43,217 --> 00:01:44,483
They're on here now.
45
00:01:44,485 --> 00:01:46,051
Look, I don't need an app to get a date.
46
00:01:46,053 --> 00:01:49,021
I've done fine on my own
on all seven continents
47
00:01:49,023 --> 00:01:51,093
and on one submarine voyage,
48
00:01:51,118 --> 00:01:54,193
where I almost joined
the mile-deep club.
49
00:01:54,218 --> 00:01:55,353
Yeah, but that was back
50
00:01:55,378 --> 00:01:58,264
when you were a big-shot
adventure reporter.
51
00:01:58,266 --> 00:02:00,232
Which you're not anymore.
52
00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:04,203
If you'll excuse me, I shall
now show you how fine I am.
53
00:02:04,205 --> 00:02:05,204
Wingman?
54
00:02:05,206 --> 00:02:06,438
I'm on it.
55
00:02:08,542 --> 00:02:10,142
Excuse me, are you Jack Gordon?
56
00:02:10,144 --> 00:02:14,013
The man who survived
the McKinley avalanche?
57
00:02:14,015 --> 00:02:15,214
You must get this a lot,
58
00:02:15,216 --> 00:02:18,317
but you are the paragon of masculinity.
59
00:02:18,342 --> 00:02:19,574
[laughs]
60
00:02:20,388 --> 00:02:21,854
So embarrassing.
61
00:02:21,856 --> 00:02:23,889
But typical.
62
00:02:23,891 --> 00:02:25,024
Hi, I'm Jack Gordon.
63
00:02:25,026 --> 00:02:26,358
Can I buy you a drink?
64
00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:27,860
Oh, my gosh, I'd love that,
65
00:02:27,862 --> 00:02:29,028
but I'm actually, I'm meeting someone.
66
00:02:29,030 --> 00:02:31,397
We just matched an hour ago.
67
00:02:31,399 --> 00:02:33,565
Oh, there he is!
68
00:02:33,567 --> 00:02:34,566
Clark!
69
00:02:35,364 --> 00:02:37,069
Hi.
70
00:02:37,071 --> 00:02:39,171
Jack!
71
00:02:39,173 --> 00:02:40,606
Would you mind hitting a booth?
72
00:02:40,608 --> 00:02:44,043
You're kind of
Clark-blocking me right now.
73
00:02:44,857 --> 00:02:46,912
Oh, I'm sorry, Jack.
74
00:02:46,914 --> 00:02:48,080
I'm not.
75
00:02:48,435 --> 00:02:50,616
If dating apps can help a guy like him
76
00:02:50,618 --> 00:02:51,784
get a girl like her,
77
00:02:51,786 --> 00:02:53,619
then a man like me could get...
78
00:02:53,621 --> 00:02:55,554
I don't know, a mermaid!
79
00:02:57,124 --> 00:02:58,824
80
00:03:00,894 --> 00:03:03,153
- Synced and corrected by javiernv -
- www.addic7ed.com -
81
00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:08,044
[elevator dings]
82
00:03:08,317 --> 00:03:09,768
Morning, Esther, how are you?
83
00:03:09,770 --> 00:03:11,440
Ugh, my boyfriend's
boyfriend's staying with us,
84
00:03:11,465 --> 00:03:12,938
so the whole place
smells like spaghetti.
85
00:03:12,940 --> 00:03:14,273
[quickly]: Okay, thank you!
86
00:03:22,883 --> 00:03:24,717
[laughing]
87
00:03:24,719 --> 00:03:28,020
I died when I found your
dating profile this morning.
88
00:03:28,022 --> 00:03:29,121
Look at me.
89
00:03:29,123 --> 00:03:31,256
I'm freaking out.
90
00:03:31,258 --> 00:03:32,491
Okay, yeah.
91
00:03:32,493 --> 00:03:34,693
I joined one of those
stupid dating apps.
92
00:03:34,695 --> 00:03:35,794
But how hard could it be?
93
00:03:35,796 --> 00:03:37,129
I mean, I've used UberEats.
94
00:03:37,131 --> 00:03:38,231
You push a button,
95
00:03:38,256 --> 00:03:40,423
and then a burrito shows
up at your apartment.
96
00:03:42,653 --> 00:03:43,702
I don't know, Jack.
97
00:03:43,704 --> 00:03:45,270
It's not as easy as you think.
98
00:03:45,272 --> 00:03:46,605
It is when you look like that.
99
00:03:49,152 --> 00:03:51,187
Not when your profile looks like this.
100
00:03:52,035 --> 00:03:52,478
Yeah!
101
00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:54,046
Ew.
102
00:03:54,749 --> 00:03:55,770
Yeah!
103
00:03:57,318 --> 00:03:59,852
[laughs]
104
00:03:59,854 --> 00:04:01,864
Jack, this is terrible.
105
00:04:02,062 --> 00:04:03,589
What do you have against shirts?
106
00:04:03,591 --> 00:04:05,524
Did a V-neck kill your parents?
107
00:04:06,556 --> 00:04:08,601
Why don't we help you with your profile?
108
00:04:08,626 --> 00:04:10,829
We can find new pics, punch up your bio,
109
00:04:10,854 --> 00:04:11,986
make you look a little less...
110
00:04:11,988 --> 00:04:13,599
- Awesome?
- Douchey.
111
00:04:13,601 --> 00:04:15,034
Oh, hard no.
112
00:04:15,036 --> 00:04:16,568
Dating is not a group activity.
113
00:04:16,570 --> 00:04:18,347
This isn't Utah.
114
00:04:19,622 --> 00:04:20,172
Jack.
115
00:04:20,174 --> 00:04:21,240
You need us.
116
00:04:21,242 --> 00:04:22,770
Because you're new at this.
117
00:04:23,022 --> 00:04:24,120
Because you're old at life.
118
00:04:25,512 --> 00:04:26,078
Yeah.
119
00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:27,646
And we're all good at this.
120
00:04:27,997 --> 00:04:28,661
Right.
121
00:04:28,686 --> 00:04:30,516
I bet you're a real...
122
00:04:30,518 --> 00:04:32,251
ladies' man?
123
00:04:36,824 --> 00:04:38,273
Sometimes.
124
00:04:41,562 --> 00:04:42,808
All right, all right.
125
00:04:45,232 --> 00:04:46,963
Clark writes everyone's messages.
126
00:04:46,988 --> 00:04:48,744
He's incredible at getting dates.
127
00:04:48,769 --> 00:04:51,070
Really? How did it go with the
girl from the bar last night?
128
00:04:51,072 --> 00:04:54,483
Well, let's just say the
night ended at Third Base.
129
00:04:55,113 --> 00:04:56,075
Wow.
130
00:04:56,613 --> 00:04:58,944
Oh, no, Third Base
is a Chicago Cubs bar.
131
00:05:00,115 --> 00:05:02,715
We got one drink and
I choked on a peanut.
132
00:05:03,091 --> 00:05:05,859
So she left, and I went to Jerk It.
133
00:05:08,184 --> 00:05:11,016
It's a beef jerky bar by Wrigley Field.
134
00:05:13,257 --> 00:05:14,680
Then I masturbated.
135
00:05:19,203 --> 00:05:22,288
Yeah, Clark's great over text,
but tends to blow it in person.
136
00:05:22,313 --> 00:05:23,046
It's true.
137
00:05:23,071 --> 00:05:24,731
You ever call a girl "Mom" on a date?
138
00:05:24,756 --> 00:05:25,914
Not good.
139
00:05:27,461 --> 00:05:29,094
Yeah, Jack, your profile needs help,
140
00:05:29,143 --> 00:05:30,665
so what do you say?
141
00:05:30,852 --> 00:05:31,643
Um, Jack...
142
00:05:31,645 --> 00:05:34,880
Come with me, I have some horrible news.
143
00:05:34,882 --> 00:05:37,985
You remember our mutual
friend, Glen MacManus?
144
00:05:38,719 --> 00:05:40,152
He was just killed.
145
00:05:40,844 --> 00:05:41,928
Oh, no.
146
00:05:42,996 --> 00:05:44,829
He was only 21.
147
00:05:47,053 --> 00:05:47,893
To Glen!
148
00:05:47,895 --> 00:05:49,193
To Glen!
149
00:05:50,592 --> 00:05:53,132
He was one smooth son of a bitch.
150
00:05:55,270 --> 00:05:56,401
I saw you were surrounded
151
00:05:56,426 --> 00:05:57,901
and might be in need of help.
152
00:05:57,926 --> 00:05:59,338
Yeah, what is it with these kids?
153
00:05:59,340 --> 00:06:02,374
They think their most private
things are everybody's business.
154
00:06:02,376 --> 00:06:05,210
Last week, Mason live-tweeted
Emma's pregnancy scare.
155
00:06:05,212 --> 00:06:06,545
Yes.
156
00:06:06,547 --> 00:06:10,082
That romanian DJ
certainly dodged a bullet.
157
00:06:10,084 --> 00:06:12,404
Now they want to
crowd-source my dating life.
158
00:06:12,429 --> 00:06:15,397
Oh, Jack, it's a tough transition.
159
00:06:15,422 --> 00:06:18,941
When I was out in the field,
dating was easy as rain.
160
00:06:18,966 --> 00:06:21,894
Then when I returned,
the clubs were loud,
161
00:06:21,896 --> 00:06:23,495
the women were fast,
162
00:06:23,497 --> 00:06:26,511
the cocaine was surprisingly weak.
163
00:06:28,026 --> 00:06:28,987
I worried.
164
00:06:29,012 --> 00:06:31,846
I worried that I, I
might be out of touch.
165
00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:35,157
Do you think I'm out of touch?
166
00:06:35,166 --> 00:06:36,466
Jack, that's one of those questions
167
00:06:36,491 --> 00:06:39,064
to which the answer is always "yes."
168
00:06:39,985 --> 00:06:40,659
But chin up!
169
00:06:40,661 --> 00:06:44,497
You don't need our young
colleagues' help with dating.
170
00:06:44,499 --> 00:06:47,478
When I was at my lowest
point, I remembered
171
00:06:47,503 --> 00:06:50,436
that I had something timeless,
172
00:06:50,438 --> 00:06:53,205
which would always make me attractive.
173
00:06:53,207 --> 00:06:55,241
And that was money.
174
00:06:56,377 --> 00:06:59,311
Lots of it.
175
00:06:59,313 --> 00:07:01,313
Roland, I don't have lots of money.
176
00:07:01,315 --> 00:07:05,451
No, but that means the
moral of the story is,
177
00:07:05,453 --> 00:07:08,687
you should ask our young
colleagues for help.
178
00:07:12,550 --> 00:07:13,459
Okay.
179
00:07:14,144 --> 00:07:16,829
If I did ask for your help...
180
00:07:20,347 --> 00:07:22,401
would you promise to be normal about it?
181
00:07:23,905 --> 00:07:27,339
We're one step ahead of
you, and absolutely not!
182
00:07:30,804 --> 00:07:32,937
[thundering music playing]
183
00:07:32,962 --> 00:07:35,414
Emma has completely
re-imagined your bio.
184
00:07:35,416 --> 00:07:36,916
I already regret this.
185
00:07:36,918 --> 00:07:38,317
Shh.
186
00:07:38,731 --> 00:07:41,687
The world spins at a
thousand miles an hour.
187
00:07:42,723 --> 00:07:45,624
Yet life moves even faster.
188
00:07:46,758 --> 00:07:51,218
Don't we ache for a
time of utter simplicity?
189
00:07:53,507 --> 00:07:55,687
Who is Jack Gordon?
190
00:07:55,906 --> 00:07:56,702
I'll tell you.
191
00:07:56,704 --> 00:07:58,737
Jack.
192
00:07:58,739 --> 00:08:00,573
Six foot four.
193
00:08:00,575 --> 00:08:02,441
"100" emoji.
194
00:08:05,458 --> 00:08:06,512
That's it?
195
00:08:06,514 --> 00:08:09,248
Why was the black kid holding a feather?
196
00:08:10,216 --> 00:08:14,453
Now, Mason has done an
amazing job fixing your photos.
197
00:08:14,455 --> 00:08:15,721
What was wrong with my photos?
198
00:08:15,723 --> 00:08:16,889
I'm so glad you asked.
199
00:08:16,891 --> 00:08:21,060
[dance music playing]
200
00:08:26,443 --> 00:08:28,734
"I'm a self-centered jerk
who once climbed a mountain."
201
00:08:29,904 --> 00:08:31,437
Uh, no, thank you.
202
00:08:31,439 --> 00:08:33,015
It's time to go from hateable...
203
00:08:33,040 --> 00:08:34,440
to dateable.
204
00:08:34,693 --> 00:08:38,321
Presenting Jack 2.0.
205
00:08:38,346 --> 00:08:41,097
Oh, I'm so glad two sherpas died
206
00:08:41,122 --> 00:08:42,314
to help me bake a dozen cupcakes.
207
00:08:42,339 --> 00:08:43,649
They're muffins, moving on.
208
00:08:45,175 --> 00:08:47,153
We get it... you got abs.
209
00:08:47,155 --> 00:08:49,441
But you know what Jack 2.0 has?
210
00:08:49,955 --> 00:08:50,800
Friends.
211
00:08:52,693 --> 00:08:54,056
And a shirt.
212
00:08:56,051 --> 00:08:57,851
This is crazy!
213
00:08:57,876 --> 00:08:59,876
You're throwing away everything
that makes me awesome.
214
00:09:00,056 --> 00:09:01,148
I mean, why would you make me look
215
00:09:01,173 --> 00:09:03,014
like some middle-aged office worker
216
00:09:03,039 --> 00:09:04,739
whose best years are behind him?
217
00:09:06,216 --> 00:09:08,483
Yeah, what were we thinking?
218
00:09:09,610 --> 00:09:11,086
Yeah, I'm definitely out.
219
00:09:11,111 --> 00:09:13,025
Oh, too late! We're live.
220
00:09:13,824 --> 00:09:15,158
Holy crap, I'm back in.
221
00:09:15,183 --> 00:09:17,283
Yeah, sure, I'll bid on her.
222
00:09:17,285 --> 00:09:19,084
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
223
00:09:19,947 --> 00:09:21,430
You don't bid on people.
224
00:09:21,455 --> 00:09:23,118
If you like someone, swipe right.
225
00:09:23,143 --> 00:09:24,142
If you don't, swipe left.
226
00:09:24,144 --> 00:09:24,892
Swipe right.
227
00:09:24,917 --> 00:09:26,712
Whoa! Holster the pistol, Gordon.
228
00:09:26,736 --> 00:09:28,202
Come on, we're a perfect match.
229
00:09:28,204 --> 00:09:30,771
We both enjoy long crawls on the beach.
230
00:09:32,396 --> 00:09:34,181
This girl only has one photo.
231
00:09:34,206 --> 00:09:36,321
It's obviously stolen from the Internet.
232
00:09:36,346 --> 00:09:40,615
Why would a girl that hot
steal a photo from the Internet?
233
00:09:42,453 --> 00:09:44,319
I am swiping left.
234
00:09:45,339 --> 00:09:46,805
Okay, she's gorgeous.
235
00:09:46,934 --> 00:09:48,066
Oh, is she?
236
00:09:48,091 --> 00:09:49,357
Which one?
237
00:09:49,359 --> 00:09:50,992
The one in the middle!
238
00:09:50,994 --> 00:09:54,396
Yeah, that's what "Jennifer"
wants you to think.
239
00:09:54,398 --> 00:09:56,365
Classic Trojan Horse.
240
00:09:56,390 --> 00:09:58,395
Never trust a group shot.
241
00:09:58,420 --> 00:09:59,468
And I should know.
242
00:09:59,470 --> 00:10:01,603
It's all I use... left!
243
00:10:01,605 --> 00:10:04,686
I think I've reached my quota
on help from Virgin America.
244
00:10:04,717 --> 00:10:06,000
Sarah. She looks great.
245
00:10:06,025 --> 00:10:07,500
I'm swiping right.
246
00:10:07,525 --> 00:10:09,158
Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't do it, Jack.
247
00:10:09,183 --> 00:10:10,749
Major red flags here.
248
00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:13,060
She has one photo,
and it's a group shot.
249
00:10:13,384 --> 00:10:14,684
[chiming]
250
00:10:14,709 --> 00:10:15,874
We matched!
251
00:10:15,899 --> 00:10:17,199
I'll set up a date on my own.
252
00:10:17,224 --> 00:10:18,941
Your training is not complete!
253
00:10:18,966 --> 00:10:20,132
Don't forget what happened to Luke
254
00:10:20,157 --> 00:10:21,623
when he rushed to face Vader.
255
00:10:21,625 --> 00:10:23,425
Oh, yeah, that's how you convince me
256
00:10:23,427 --> 00:10:24,926
that I need your help with women...
257
00:10:24,928 --> 00:10:27,295
Star Wars references.
258
00:10:27,297 --> 00:10:28,430
I got it from here.
259
00:10:28,432 --> 00:10:30,165
It's a different world now.
260
00:10:30,167 --> 00:10:31,867
I'm worried you're going
to get taken advantage of.
261
00:10:31,869 --> 00:10:34,336
I hope I get taken advantage of!
262
00:10:48,936 --> 00:10:49,959
Really?
263
00:10:49,961 --> 00:10:51,461
Push-ups in the kitchen?
264
00:10:51,463 --> 00:10:53,863
They can take away my
mountain photos and ab shots,
265
00:10:53,865 --> 00:10:57,544
but they can't take
away my pre-date pump.
266
00:10:57,569 --> 00:10:59,369
It's not what it sounds like.
267
00:10:59,394 --> 00:11:00,593
Here.
268
00:11:00,618 --> 00:11:01,817
Will you sit on my feet?
269
00:11:04,009 --> 00:11:05,232
[laughs]
270
00:11:05,678 --> 00:11:09,914
Well, for what it's worth, all
that "rugged adventurer" stuff?
271
00:11:09,916 --> 00:11:11,916
It's not what makes a
man attractive to me.
272
00:11:11,918 --> 00:11:15,219
Oh, you've never been attracted
to the rugged adventurer type?
273
00:11:15,221 --> 00:11:16,988
If you are referring
to the company retreat,
274
00:11:17,013 --> 00:11:18,949
that was one night, and it only happened
275
00:11:18,974 --> 00:11:21,826
because of the bottomless mojitos.
276
00:11:21,828 --> 00:11:23,428
There were a lot of things
bottomless that night.
277
00:11:27,167 --> 00:11:28,733
Look, all I am saying is
278
00:11:28,735 --> 00:11:31,235
that there are more
important qualities to a man.
279
00:11:31,237 --> 00:11:33,337
I mean, take Paul, for example.
280
00:11:33,339 --> 00:11:34,806
You know, I love how
he's always there for me
281
00:11:34,808 --> 00:11:36,507
at the end of the day.
282
00:11:36,509 --> 00:11:39,911
I love how he's a little
mysterious, but still playful.
283
00:11:39,913 --> 00:11:43,047
How he snuggles up to me on the couch.
284
00:11:43,049 --> 00:11:44,482
Brooke...
285
00:11:46,512 --> 00:11:47,778
I have to ask you something.
286
00:11:47,780 --> 00:11:50,152
And I need you to tell me the truth.
287
00:11:50,816 --> 00:11:52,082
Your fianc?, Paul.
288
00:11:54,148 --> 00:11:55,398
Is he a cat?
289
00:11:57,623 --> 00:11:59,189
No!
290
00:11:59,191 --> 00:12:00,691
Are you absolutely sure?
291
00:12:00,693 --> 00:12:01,959
Does he play with yarn?
292
00:12:01,984 --> 00:12:04,234
Hate dogs? Loves laser pointers?
293
00:12:04,259 --> 00:12:06,530
Jack, don't worry, I mean...
294
00:12:06,532 --> 00:12:09,183
You're still the exciting
Jack Gordon everyone loves.
295
00:12:09,208 --> 00:12:10,334
It's just...
296
00:12:10,336 --> 00:12:12,621
Well, you're having adventures
of a different kind now.
297
00:12:12,646 --> 00:12:13,770
Instead of wild rivers,
298
00:12:13,772 --> 00:12:16,773
you're navigating a
treacherous digital transition.
299
00:12:17,224 --> 00:12:18,508
You're battling not
the wind and the rain,
300
00:12:18,510 --> 00:12:21,411
but poor web design
and sans-serif fonts.
301
00:12:22,815 --> 00:12:26,116
Your whole family sucks at pep talks.
302
00:12:26,991 --> 00:12:30,854
The important thing is you
will never lose your identity.
303
00:12:30,856 --> 00:12:32,823
You are still an outdoorsman.
304
00:12:32,825 --> 00:12:35,359
You're just a different
type of outdoorsman.
305
00:12:35,361 --> 00:12:36,560
You're an indoorsman.
306
00:12:44,370 --> 00:12:46,436
Hi... Jack Gordon.
307
00:12:46,438 --> 00:12:47,938
You must be...
308
00:12:47,940 --> 00:12:50,540
the middle girl from the photo.
309
00:12:50,542 --> 00:12:52,109
Hi... Sarah.
310
00:12:52,111 --> 00:12:53,276
[chuckles]
311
00:12:53,278 --> 00:12:54,845
Oh, sorry about that.
312
00:12:54,847 --> 00:12:56,246
I just got these back from the shop.
313
00:12:56,248 --> 00:12:59,383
I wore them out in... Siberia.
314
00:12:59,385 --> 00:13:00,417
Wow.
315
00:13:00,419 --> 00:13:01,585
You were in Siberia?
316
00:13:01,587 --> 00:13:04,488
Ah, it's a pretty boring story.
317
00:13:04,490 --> 00:13:07,457
Up until the wolf pack surrounded me.
318
00:13:10,229 --> 00:13:11,762
[elevator dings]
319
00:13:11,764 --> 00:13:13,909
- Morning, Esther.
- So, long story short was,
320
00:13:13,934 --> 00:13:15,197
there was a meatball in the shoe.
321
00:13:15,222 --> 00:13:16,455
Oh!
322
00:13:17,970 --> 00:13:19,269
Boom!
323
00:13:19,271 --> 00:13:21,405
Good dinner, good
chemistry, good night kiss.
324
00:13:21,407 --> 00:13:23,040
Sarah was fantastic.
325
00:13:23,042 --> 00:13:24,207
First Internet date?
326
00:13:24,209 --> 00:13:25,308
Crushed it.
327
00:13:25,310 --> 00:13:26,309
Who's the old man now?
328
00:13:26,311 --> 00:13:27,544
The guy who just said
329
00:13:27,546 --> 00:13:29,813
he crushed his first Internet date?
330
00:13:31,150 --> 00:13:33,216
I'm glad your date went well. And see?
331
00:13:33,218 --> 00:13:35,719
I told you, you're still
the same Jack Gordon.
332
00:13:35,721 --> 00:13:37,821
No one can take your
identity away from you.
333
00:13:37,823 --> 00:13:39,856
I love that positivity, Brooke.
334
00:13:39,858 --> 00:13:44,494
Paul is lucky to spend one
of his nine lives with you.
335
00:13:44,496 --> 00:13:47,464
Wow, so, Jack, you
going to see her again?
336
00:13:47,466 --> 00:13:49,299
I'll message her about
hanging out tonight.
337
00:13:49,301 --> 00:13:52,202
What are you guys planning,
"Blockbuster and chill"?
338
00:13:52,204 --> 00:13:53,670
[laughs]
339
00:13:53,672 --> 00:13:56,106
Haven't heard back yet.
340
00:13:56,108 --> 00:13:57,441
My bank, on the other hand,
341
00:13:57,443 --> 00:13:59,497
can't seem to lay off my Johnson.
342
00:14:00,279 --> 00:14:01,445
I've got, like, three texts.
343
00:14:01,447 --> 00:14:02,512
Apparently someone tried to withdraw
344
00:14:02,514 --> 00:14:03,909
all the money from my account.
345
00:14:03,934 --> 00:14:05,800
Um, Jack, is that account
linked to the card you used
346
00:14:05,825 --> 00:14:08,326
to pay for dinner last night? Yeah.
347
00:14:08,454 --> 00:14:09,586
And your account was hacked
348
00:14:09,588 --> 00:14:10,754
immediately afterwards?
349
00:14:10,756 --> 00:14:13,090
- So?
- [others groan]
350
00:14:13,092 --> 00:14:15,092
We tried to warn
you about this stuff, Jack.
351
00:14:15,094 --> 00:14:17,861
I think your "perfect match"
just stole your identity.
352
00:14:19,231 --> 00:14:20,831
Well, that's weirdly ironic.
353
00:14:20,856 --> 00:14:23,570
Because Brooke just said no
one could take your identity,
354
00:14:23,595 --> 00:14:24,234
but now...
355
00:14:24,259 --> 00:14:26,459
Yeah, Clark, we're all
making that connection!
356
00:14:28,070 --> 00:14:29,039
Jack.
357
00:14:29,041 --> 00:14:30,640
Jack, I'm so sorry to interrupt.
358
00:14:30,642 --> 00:14:32,142
I just heard the most awful news
359
00:14:32,144 --> 00:14:36,817
about our dear, seafaring
friend Captain Morgan.
360
00:14:52,145 --> 00:14:53,238
Wow, Jack.
361
00:14:53,263 --> 00:14:55,809
You grandpa'd out even
harder than I expected.
362
00:14:55,834 --> 00:14:57,382
No one "grandpa'd out."
363
00:14:57,384 --> 00:14:59,505
You tried a new piece of technology
364
00:14:59,530 --> 00:15:00,618
and got your identity stolen.
365
00:15:00,620 --> 00:15:02,287
I have to agree, Jack.
366
00:15:02,289 --> 00:15:04,505
Next to leaving your teeth at a Denny's,
367
00:15:04,530 --> 00:15:06,630
that's as grandpa as it gets.
368
00:15:06,655 --> 00:15:09,299
There's no way Sarah stole my identity.
369
00:15:09,324 --> 00:15:10,624
We had a great date.
370
00:15:10,626 --> 00:15:12,792
I've never had a woman
ask me so many questions.
371
00:15:12,794 --> 00:15:14,972
What kind of questions?
372
00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:16,406
Wait, I'm Scottish!
373
00:15:16,431 --> 00:15:18,465
I hope we're not related.
374
00:15:18,467 --> 00:15:19,966
What is your mom's maiden name?
375
00:15:19,968 --> 00:15:22,102
Well, if that was the
city that you were born in,
376
00:15:22,104 --> 00:15:24,304
then what was your first concert?
377
00:15:24,306 --> 00:15:25,972
What about your porn name?
378
00:15:25,974 --> 00:15:27,874
It's where you take the
street that you grew up on
379
00:15:27,876 --> 00:15:29,242
and the name of your first pet.
380
00:15:29,244 --> 00:15:32,846
Oh, that would be "Brutus Steelmember."
381
00:15:32,848 --> 00:15:36,183
Kidding, it's "Eighth
Street Gary Turtlepants."
382
00:15:36,534 --> 00:15:39,219
What? Those are common questions.
383
00:15:39,221 --> 00:15:41,388
Those are common security questions.
384
00:15:41,390 --> 00:15:42,856
It didn't set off any alarms
385
00:15:42,858 --> 00:15:45,425
when she asked you your
mother's maiden name?
386
00:15:45,427 --> 00:15:47,460
Oh, I'm sorry that making sure
387
00:15:47,462 --> 00:15:49,429
you're not having sex
with your own cousin
388
00:15:49,431 --> 00:15:51,965
isn't a priority for you, Mason.
389
00:15:53,178 --> 00:15:54,375
All right, I'll message her
390
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:56,500
and solve this once and for all.
391
00:15:57,601 --> 00:15:59,195
Her profile's gone.
392
00:15:59,274 --> 00:16:00,640
She must have unmatched you.
393
00:16:00,642 --> 00:16:01,975
That doesn't make any sense.
394
00:16:01,977 --> 00:16:04,010
Yes, why would she try
and steal your money
395
00:16:04,012 --> 00:16:06,111
when you don't have any?
396
00:16:07,816 --> 00:16:10,016
There's got to be another explanation.
397
00:16:10,018 --> 00:16:11,885
We need to find Sarah
and figure out the truth.
398
00:16:11,887 --> 00:16:14,120
Ooh, sounds like
you're hatching a sting!
399
00:16:14,122 --> 00:16:14,983
No, I'm not hatching...
400
00:16:15,008 --> 00:16:16,341
Sting! Sting! Sting!
401
00:16:17,326 --> 00:16:19,459
Stop it, or the sting is canceled.
402
00:16:19,461 --> 00:16:21,361
Now, I have a plan to track her down.
403
00:16:21,363 --> 00:16:23,430
I know a guy who's a
police sketch artist.
404
00:16:23,432 --> 00:16:24,998
- Actually, Jack...
- Let me finish.
405
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:27,133
We go to a Kinko's, we
make a bunch of these flyers
406
00:16:27,135 --> 00:16:29,236
with those little tear-off
phone numbers on the bottom.
407
00:16:29,238 --> 00:16:31,137
Blanket the city.
408
00:16:32,647 --> 00:16:35,081
Or if it's helpful, I'm
friends with her on Facebook.
409
00:16:35,877 --> 00:16:37,277
I like to friend anyone
410
00:16:37,279 --> 00:16:39,446
who might be important in Jack's life.
411
00:16:39,448 --> 00:16:40,880
That's weird.
412
00:16:40,882 --> 00:16:43,250
Your sister Kathy thinks so, too.
413
00:16:44,152 --> 00:16:45,185
Oh, it is on...
414
00:16:45,187 --> 00:16:47,053
Like Scott Caan!
415
00:16:47,055 --> 00:16:48,321
Clark, use your epic text game
416
00:16:48,323 --> 00:16:49,756
to see if she'll meet up with you.
417
00:16:49,758 --> 00:16:51,658
We tag along, then we
pounce, and we confront her!
418
00:16:51,660 --> 00:16:53,994
Mm, this is definitely a sting!
419
00:16:53,996 --> 00:16:55,128
No, it's not.
420
00:16:55,130 --> 00:16:57,030
Sting! Sting! Sting! Sting!
421
00:16:57,032 --> 00:16:59,266
I hate you all!
422
00:17:02,562 --> 00:17:04,253
Shh, guys, it's her.
423
00:17:06,842 --> 00:17:08,174
Hi... Sarah.
424
00:17:08,176 --> 00:17:10,844
Hi, I'm Glark.
425
00:17:10,846 --> 00:17:13,313
I'm sorry, did you say
your name was Glark?
426
00:17:13,315 --> 00:17:16,783
[braying]: No, no.
427
00:17:16,785 --> 00:17:18,178
It's Glark.
428
00:17:20,522 --> 00:17:22,622
Not Glark.
429
00:17:22,624 --> 00:17:24,291
[slowly]: Glark.
430
00:17:26,662 --> 00:17:27,994
She's too hot.
431
00:17:27,996 --> 00:17:29,529
He can't handle it.
432
00:17:29,531 --> 00:17:32,332
This is ridiculous... You two stay here.
433
00:17:33,502 --> 00:17:34,534
[whispering]: It's Clark.
434
00:17:34,536 --> 00:17:35,168
Jack?
435
00:17:35,170 --> 00:17:36,936
Sarah, wow!
436
00:17:36,938 --> 00:17:38,104
This is crazy.
437
00:17:38,106 --> 00:17:40,073
After our date, which we really enjoyed,
438
00:17:40,075 --> 00:17:42,106
someone may have stolen my identity.
439
00:17:42,131 --> 00:17:42,909
Admit it.
440
00:17:42,911 --> 00:17:46,246
You lured a confused old man
to a date and robbed him blind.
441
00:17:47,069 --> 00:17:49,449
I'm sorry, who are these people?
442
00:17:49,451 --> 00:17:51,651
Wait, is this some kind of sting?
443
00:17:51,653 --> 00:17:53,653
- You're damn right it is!
- No.
444
00:17:53,655 --> 00:17:54,821
Sting! Sting! Sting!
445
00:17:54,823 --> 00:17:56,723
Enough, enough. Stop.
446
00:17:56,725 --> 00:17:58,491
I didn't steal anybody's identity.
447
00:17:58,516 --> 00:17:59,025
Really?
448
00:17:59,027 --> 00:18:00,493
Then why did you unmatch him?
449
00:18:00,495 --> 00:18:02,162
Because he's so full of himself!
450
00:18:02,164 --> 00:18:03,229
- Oh, yeah, it checks out.
- Oh, yeah.
451
00:18:03,231 --> 00:18:05,632
He has earned it.
452
00:18:05,634 --> 00:18:08,454
I think that I'm meeting this great guy,
453
00:18:08,479 --> 00:18:11,934
then he makes me listen to
"15 amazing tales of survival."
454
00:18:11,959 --> 00:18:12,739
His word.
455
00:18:12,741 --> 00:18:15,675
I'm still waiting for the bad part.
456
00:18:15,677 --> 00:18:18,244
Hold on, then why did you
ask me all those questions?
457
00:18:18,246 --> 00:18:20,413
Well, you clearly only
wanted to talk about yourself.
458
00:18:20,415 --> 00:18:22,582
The only question that you asked me was,
459
00:18:22,584 --> 00:18:23,783
[imitating]: "What
else you want to know?"
460
00:18:24,754 --> 00:18:26,363
And it's my fault for ignoring
461
00:18:26,388 --> 00:18:27,921
all of the warning
signs on your profile.
462
00:18:27,946 --> 00:18:30,079
Shirtless photo? Classic red flag.
463
00:18:30,104 --> 00:18:33,039
Well, after you vetoed the first one,
464
00:18:33,064 --> 00:18:38,834
I may have taken a selfie
in the bathroom mirror.
465
00:18:38,867 --> 00:18:41,735
It looks great.
466
00:18:43,128 --> 00:18:46,396
Um, did you happen to notice
the computer in the reflection?
467
00:18:46,508 --> 00:18:47,707
And the post-it note in the corner
468
00:18:47,709 --> 00:18:49,075
with your username and password,
469
00:18:49,077 --> 00:18:51,411
which, I assume, you use for everything?
470
00:18:51,413 --> 00:18:52,927
Oh, I don't...
471
00:18:54,571 --> 00:18:56,204
That would be...
472
00:18:59,069 --> 00:18:59,841
Crap.
473
00:19:01,923 --> 00:19:03,790
Jack, why would you post this?
474
00:19:03,792 --> 00:19:06,693
Because I hate being Jack 2.0.
475
00:19:06,695 --> 00:19:09,028
I refuse to be the Muffin Man!
476
00:19:09,030 --> 00:19:10,497
Okay.
477
00:19:10,499 --> 00:19:12,799
So glad I waxed for this.
478
00:19:20,086 --> 00:19:22,153
Jack, what is going on?
479
00:19:22,177 --> 00:19:23,610
Where's your confidence?
480
00:19:23,612 --> 00:19:24,911
No offense, but you're coming off
481
00:19:24,913 --> 00:19:26,513
like a total Clark right now.
482
00:19:27,749 --> 00:19:30,216
Did you just say "no
offense" to yourself?
483
00:19:31,270 --> 00:19:34,053
Look, if I'm not the guy with
amazing tales of survival,
484
00:19:34,055 --> 00:19:35,855
then I'm what?
485
00:19:35,857 --> 00:19:38,892
You're the successful managing editor
486
00:19:38,894 --> 00:19:40,960
of a legendary outdoor magazine?
487
00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:43,833
I guess that's not bad.
488
00:19:43,858 --> 00:19:46,192
And you always send thank you notes.
489
00:19:46,217 --> 00:19:48,551
Which is a lost art.
490
00:19:48,804 --> 00:19:52,305
What, you're the only friend
that can give Jack a compliment?
491
00:19:52,307 --> 00:19:54,407
I'm sorry, guys, I just...
492
00:19:54,409 --> 00:19:58,044
I guess I got up in my own head
and forgot how awesome I was.
493
00:19:59,848 --> 00:20:01,714
I mean, this stuff, it's not easy.
494
00:20:01,716 --> 00:20:03,983
How do you nerds do it?
495
00:20:03,985 --> 00:20:05,808
It's tough for all of us, man.
496
00:20:05,833 --> 00:20:07,153
That's why we help each other out.
497
00:20:07,155 --> 00:20:09,989
It's kind of like when
we wingman for each other.
498
00:20:11,193 --> 00:20:11,973
[door opens]
499
00:20:14,606 --> 00:20:16,463
Clark, go stand over by that post.
500
00:20:16,465 --> 00:20:18,031
Literally, anything you want me to do,
501
00:20:18,033 --> 00:20:19,466
at any times, always.
502
00:20:25,130 --> 00:20:28,641
Oh, pardon me, are you Clark
Robertson, the online reporter?
503
00:20:28,643 --> 00:20:31,878
Oh, your anti-logging
article was an act of bravery.
504
00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:35,927
And I should know, because
I'm a paragon of masculinity.
505
00:20:36,985 --> 00:20:37,984
Is that true?
506
00:20:37,986 --> 00:20:38,985
Of course, it is.
507
00:20:38,987 --> 00:20:40,386
Look at him.
508
00:20:40,388 --> 00:20:43,323
Sorry, let me try this again.
509
00:20:43,325 --> 00:20:45,158
Hi, Mom... oh!
510
00:20:59,669 --> 00:21:01,925
I'm glad you're sticking
with the dating app thing.
511
00:21:01,950 --> 00:21:03,573
And maybe someday you'll meet your Paul.
512
00:21:03,598 --> 00:21:05,597
That'd be wonderful, except...
513
00:21:05,622 --> 00:21:07,608
my building doesn't allow pets.
514
00:21:07,610 --> 00:21:09,410
Jack!
515
00:21:09,412 --> 00:21:10,912
Come on, Jack.
516
00:21:10,914 --> 00:21:12,495
Paul doesn't deserve this.
517
00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:13,953
Thank you, Eddie.
518
00:21:16,653 --> 00:21:17,919
What's with the milk?
519
00:21:17,921 --> 00:21:20,087
Oh, Paul's not joining us?
520
00:21:20,089 --> 00:21:22,490
- Because he's a cat.
- Yes!
521
00:21:22,540 --> 00:21:27,090
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
35977
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof