All language subtitles for The Goldbergs s03e01 A Kick-Ass Risky Business Party

Back in the '80s, Tom Cruise danced, dove

and crashed his way into our hearts

in the classic teen movie, Risky Business,

He was a pantsless partying
bad-ass with tube socks

But for my brother Barry, Risky
Business wasn't just a movie,

it was a plan for life.

Dang it, Mom waxed the
floor, I'm going again.

Shoes were a bad idea!

- Going again!
- Whoooooo!

What did I tell you about
Tom Cruising the floor, huh?

It's incredibly risky.

Risky. That's the point.

[Scoffs] I mean it, Barry.

Take those sunglasses off
and look me in the eye.

Do you want to crack your head open?

No Tom Cruising. Say it.

[Mumbling] No Tom Cruising.

Say it like someone who
doesn't want brain damage.

[Clearly] No Tom Cruising.

For years, all Barry wanted
was to live "Risky Business."

Hey.

And he finally got his shot

thanks to his rebellious,
bad-influence girlfriend,

Lainey Lewis.

[Tires screech]

Porsche. There is no substitute.

Dude.

This is super hot and awesome,

but your dad's gonna kill you.

Actually, my dad just left

for a flooring convention in Atlanta.

He gave me a buttload of
pizza money and two rules...

no driving his Porsche and no parties.

One down, one to go.

Sweet Rebecca De Mornay, it's happening!

We're gonna throw a real, live
kick-ass "risky business" party!

Erica, we need a keg stat.

Lainey, jump in back.

Big tasty's taking the wheel.

[Groans] I can't move my legs.

I don't belong back
here. Why is it so hot?!

Turn the vents on me.

My God, please stop whining!

But this was supposed to be
my "risky business" moment.

I'm Tom cruise.

No, you're the weird guy in
the movie who sits in the back.

The dude who played
Booger? That's bullcrap.

I'm not Booger. You be Booger.

Cramp! Leg cramp! [Grunts]

- My hamstrings are too muscular.
- What are you doing?

I got to stretch out.

Just sit there like a good booger!

Get your foot off the gear shift!

I'm trying!

[Tires screeching, all screaming]

Nobody move!

I'm just gonna move a little.

Barry! Don't move.

Don't worry. I'm like a ninja.

I'm just gonna...

I think it's fair to say
this was everyone's fault.

Shut up, Booger.

Synced & Corrected by Laulau
www.addic7ed.com

It was September
23, 1980-something.

And I was on my first official
long distance relationship,

with my first official
girlfriend, Dana Caldwell.

No, you hang up.

No, you hang up.

No, you hang up.

- You hang up.
- You hang up.

- You hang up.
- You hang up.

Someone please hang up.

I can't hear what Jake
is saying to the fat man.

Back before e-mail and Skype,

the only way to stay connected
was to talk on the telephone

or, for extra romance, sing.

[Off-key]
Step by step

Unfortunately, my voice was
in a transitional period.

Oh, my God, that terrible sound is you?

Leave the singing to
the professionals... me!

Even though my voice changed,

we were still
as strong as ever.

I was thinking that Friday night

we could look at Hailey's comet together.

Only comes around once every lifetime.

Aww. You're amazing.

So, I'll watch it from here
and you'll watch it in Seattle.

Whoa. You're talking to Seattle?

I thought Danielle lived down the street.

It's Dana, and I told you
a million times she moved.

You can't call Seattle before 8:00.

Do you have any idea how much
your girlfriend's gonna cost me?

[Dial tone]

Hey! You made me hang up first.

I'm sorry, Adam.

I can't afford your love. It's too pricy.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means I'm canceling
our long-distance service.

There, it's done.

Relationship over.

Pops, talk some sense
into this heartless man.

You're a smart kid.

Find a creative way to connect with her.

You know, I once dated a
Filipino woman via telegram.

Really?

Of course, Western
union had to shut us down

because Mala could get very
filthy in just three sentences.

Point is: Love!

Okay, you're useless to me.

As angry as I was,

it couldn't hold a candle
to the rage my mom felt

when she found out
about the Porsche.

Do not be fooled by my sweater.

I am not flappy.

I'm very flangry.

The good news is,

Lainey, I spoke to your father.

I told him all about his car

and all about the kick-ass
"risky business" party.

What?! How do you know about that?

"List of stuff to get

for our kick-ass 'risky business' party

because Lainey's dad is in Atlanta."

Idiot! Why'd you write it down?

I'm a visual thinker.

Hush up!

The good news is, Lainey,

your dad agreed to let you
stay with us until he gets back.

That means I have six days
to fix your entire life.

No way.

You have already ruined our
lives with your insane love.

You're not ruining Lainey's, too.

Please, she's hot rodding,
failing her classes,

spending time with shady friends. Hey!

- Showing questionable taste in boys.
- That's fair.

Maybe this is all a blessing in disguise.

I really could use some of
your amazing mom wisdom, Mrs. G.

I mean, I've always admired you

and your store-bought sweaters.

- Oh, no, I made this myself.
- What?

You should be a business
owner and a millionaire by now.

See, this makes me very
flappy, you two learn from her.

We're gonna have so much fun.

I'll show you how to make
my famous shrimp parm.

Have you heard of it?

Of course you have. It's famous.

Duh, Beverly.

Yum.

What is wrong with you?

You never ask for her mom wisdom ever.

Chill.

I'm just telling her
what she wants to hear.

Wow.

So, the party's back on?

- Wow.
- Whoo!

I'm gonna go write a list
of things we need to get.

- Stop writing lists!
- Learn from your mistakes!

While Erica and Barry were
trying to outsmart my mom,

I was outsmarting
the phone company.

[Telephone rings]

Hello?

Operator: You have a collect call from...

Dana, I love you, my dad is a putz,

how was your day, I want to kiss your...

[dial tone] Adam?

Face.

Face!

How will she know?

[Receiver slams]

But as fate would have it,

a new advancement
in phone technology

would let me talk to Dana,

and it was glorious.

There it is.

Behold the gem of the forbidden
teacher's lounge...

the fax machine.

I know it's dangerous,
but Dana's worth the risk.

She's my soul mate.

Suit yourself, man.

Dave Kim likes them thick.

It was perfect plan,

Dana would have my
passionate love letter

in her hands in mere seconds.

Or hours. What the...

Turns out the fax
totally sucked back then.

Why are you so slow?

Oh, that's the wrong way.

It took me 10 minutes
to send two frickin' pages,

but I managed to escape
without a trace.

Oh, hell no.

This is the teacher's lounge.

This place is sacred.

So help me God, you are in so much trouble.

Oh.

Someone took the tab for
my flier for guitar lessons.

Wow.

You are so lucky this day
has turned around for me.

[Chuckles]

Oh, no, wait a minute. I forgot.

I did it myself to get the ball rolling.

Damn it!

You are in so much trouble again.

Hey, is it cool if
Anthony balsamo's brother

invites his frat to the party?

Dude, what part of "risky business" party

don't you understand?

My God, it's gonna be awesome!

Hello!

Erica and Barry! It's your mom!

And, Lainey, it's your mom for the week!

Oh, no. She's here. It's happening.

What's she doing here?

Why is there no color in your faces?

I'm waving my arms.

The start of every year,
my mom storms the school

and demands that we get the
best teachers and classes.

They call it...

The demanding of excellence.

Oh, come on. No one calls it that.

Oh, sweet lord.

It's the demanding of excellence.

Show no fear.

Mom, stop right there, okay?

I told you I don't need or want your help.

Please take up tennis.

Have a leisurely lunch with a friend.

Just let us be.

Oh, snuggle monkeys, I'm not here for you.

- I'm here for Lainey.
- Me?

No, no.

No, see, you can't just walk in here

demanding excellence for other students.

That's not how school works.

You can only parent your own child.

Oh, I'll parent every damn child
in this school if I have to.

Hell, I'll even parent you.

Don't parent me.

Looks like you got some color at the beach.

- Did you wear sunscreen?
- Don't do that.

Did you reapply after
you went in the water?

- Huh? Tell me.
- I can't remember.

- I was having fun.
- What about this apple?

- Did you wash it?
- Yeah.

Don't you lie to me. It
still has a sticker on it.

Okay, damn it! Just tell me what you want!

Just tell me!

She's cheerleading five days a week

and yet you still have
her taking gym class.

Okay, fine.

Want to have study hall instead?

- Wait, for real?
- Oh, yeah, sure.

Keep being my mom. Do it. Go.

I also noticed Lainey isn't cheer captain

when she's clearly the most
talented dancer on the squad.

I demand you make her captain,

and I want her on top of the pyramid.

Here's a list of more demands.

Meet them.

And wash that apple.

My work is done here. See you at dinner.

What happened?! What did she do?!

I'm so angry even though I don't
have any of the information.

Chill. It was actually awesome.

She's gone. You can drop the act now.

It's not an act.

No! Our mom is just poisoning your mind

with her endless well of love and support.

Yeah, I'm not seeing
how that's a bad thing.

[Scoffs]

No, where are you going?

Cheer practice, where I'm the captain.

You can't leave. We have a party to plan.

Yeah, no party. Not feeling it.

Maybe some other time.

What the hell just happened?

Did we just lose our kick-ass
"risky business" party?

It's worse.

We just lost Lainey.

Thanks for coming in, Mr. Goldberg.

Wanted to address this
teacher's lounge breach head on.

Couldn't this have been a phone call?

Believe me, I don't want to be here either.

After school, I go to
the mall with my parrot

and people treat me with respect.

Her name is Feather Locklear.

Real head Turner.

Look, I'm sorry I used the fax,

but I just want to reach my girlfriend.

Again with the girlfriend! Unbelievable!

You're a guidance guy. Guide him.

Tell him long-distance
relationships don't work.

I'm sorry, I beg to differ.

I've been in a long-distance relationship

for the past seven years.

- Really?
- Really?

Yeah. Ellen lives in Tampa.

And I'm lucky, too,

because Ellen has a male roommate

to keep an eye on her when we're apart.

She lives with a guy?

Yeah, Todd.

He's a lifeguard, so he
can totally give her CPR

if she ever gets in any kind of trouble.

He's a real stud. [Chuckles]

I mean, does he even own a shirt?

[Laughs]

See, dad? It can work.

Okay, pay attention. This
might be helpful to you.

Uh, this long-distance girlfriend you got,

you see her much?

Well, not since she went to Paris.

And of course, Todd tagged
along because he speaks French.

He's a good egg.

It sounds like she's with this Todd guy.

[Chuckles] No, no, no.

She's taken his last name
for insurance purposes.

Point is, long-distance can work.

I want to believe you, but
your story has some holes.

Hey, don't flip this back on me

you and Dana are the ones on the rocks.

Frankly, we used to gab about
you guys in the teacher's lounge

how we didn't think your
relationship had legs.

You're both wrong.

I may not be able to call or fax Dana,

but she will know how I feel,

even if it means doing the unthinkable.

Bro, you've come to the
right person for love advice.

Let's do this.

Without the phone or the fax,

my only option was
a musical love letter,

written by my brother
and starring me.

Hey, sweet baby girl.

I know we can't talk on the phone,

so I'm gonna just let
the music speak for me.

And I'll be speaking, too,

'cause this jam is written by big tasty.

Ain't that right, lil' yum yum?

That's not my name, girl.

While I was starting to
feel this was a bad idea,

Lainey couldn't have
felt more at home.

So, then you're gonna say to yourself,

"Hey, that's too much cheese."

But you know what?

It's never too much cheese.

God, this is so much better
than cold pizza every night.

And I love that little note
you put in my lunch today.

Well, I meant every word of
it, my little snuggle monster.

Yep, Lainey was happy
to be a Goldberg,

but the Goldbergs
weren't so happy.

It's like there's two Moms now.

This is bad. This is really bad.

All I wanted was a kick-ass
"risky business" party

and a free pass to Princeton.

Is that too much to ask?

Don't give up hope yet.

It's time to bring out the big guns.

Tissue me.

[Crying]

And then he said, "let's break up,"

and I'm like, "but I love you,"

and he's like, "I love you, too,
but I'm not in love with you."

I'm sorry, Lainey.

I just really need my mom's
full and undivided attention.

Wow, it's so surprising
and unsettling to hear

that you've had a boyfriend all this time

and none of us knew about it.

Say, what was his name?

H-his name?

Uh-huh.

His... his name was, uh...

- Shrimpson.
- Shrimpson?

It's Dutch! [Crying]

I'm sorry, Lainey. Maybe you should go.

No. No, no, no.

You're just trying to
remove me from her life

just like how you removed me from yours.

What?!

How dare you.

Good luck with Mr. Shrimpsteen.

It's Shrimpson!

[Crying]

Okay, what are you doing?

Saving you.

From what?

Your mom's cooking?

Her sweet little notes? Her support?

Yeah, sure, it seems nice now,

but my mom loves us more
than any Mom loves her kids.

I don't think the problem here is your mom.

It's you. You don't appreciate her.

Fine.

But don't say I didn't warn you.

Lainey.

Come to temporary Mommy.

Lainey. Lainey!

[Tapping]

Hi. [Chuckles]

What are you doing here?

In the middle of the day?

Oh, it's kind of my thing. You'll see.

I just wanted to drop this off.

S.A.T. Prep?

Yeah, here's the thing.
I'm not going to college.

What's that, now?

I want to be a dancer in New York.

Or Vegas, whichever one's closer.

Oh.

That sounds fun.

But yeah, you're going to college.

- I'm really not.
- Oh, you are.

I spoke to your father
about it, and he signed off.

This is Raji.

He'll be tutoring you
every day at study hall

and Saturdays at 8:00 A.M.
when you're nice and fresh.

I'll see you at dinner, love bug.

Your mom's very pushy.

As Lainey was starting to
panic about her new smother,

I was finishing my love jam.

It's bad, isn't it?

It's not great.

Well, I've tried everything.

You were right, Dad.

Long distance never works.

You win.

You know, I seem to recall

a certain long-distance relationship

that worked just fine.

What are you talking about?

Those six months you spent in ROTC

away from Beverly.

You know, when you called
her every single day.

That was different. I was an adult.

Just 'cause he's a kid

doesn't mean his feelings aren't real.

Trust me, Mur. He loves that girl.

While I had given up,

Erica and Lainey were
preparing to take on my mom.

What have I done? I unleashed the beast.

Oh, this is not good. You were right.

This isn't a time for "I told you so."

It's a time for action, and I told you so!

I'll do whatever you say to make it stop.

There's only one way.

She thinks that she calls the shots,

but you have to break her
heart and show her that you do.

May I suggest throwing a
kick-ass "risky business" party?

Can you stop eavesdropping like a weirdo?

I eavesdrop like a badass, and you know it.

The weirdo's right.

- The party is back on.
- Yes!

Girl: Whoo!

Within three hours,
Lainey's house was jumping.

A little too much.

The TV was stolen,
furniture was danced upon,

the record player was pizza'd.

Also, this lady showed up.

Hey, we wanted "risky business," right?

Yeah, but not this much.

I think there are actual
you-know-what-stitutes here.

Even the nice geeks at school
got swept up in the madness

and decided to let loose.

[Slow-motion] No!

Unfortunately, they let loose
an MVP football trophy

Lainey's dad had
won in college.

This party needed a hero.

And tonight, it
wasn't Tom cruise.

And...

It wasn't Barry Goldberg.

It was my mom.

Turns out the only thing
worse than an insane party

is an insanely mad Smother.

It was 1:00 A.M,

and the party was still
raging. So was my mom.

I have failed as a mother
and as a temporary mother.

Shame on you.

Lying, sneaking out, betraying my trust.

I mean, come o... oh.

My God. Thank you for coming.

I'm so sorry.

Oh. Save us from ourselves.

Shh.

Everything's gonna be all
right. Mama will fix it.

[Chuckles]

Just let me soak in this
hug for one more moment.

And then the fixing began,

as my mom made the coolest
party painfully uncool.

I know I told you never
to Tom cruise the floor,

but sometimes you just got
to say, "what the [Bleep]"

[Intro to Bob seger's "old
time rock and roll" plays]

[Volume increases]

Turns out it
actually comes in handy

to have a smother
so embarrassing

that she can clear
out a party.

But in that moment,

my brother and sister realized
that Lainey was right.

It's not so bad having a Mom

willing to risk everything
for her kids...

[Crashes] I'm okay.

And when the smoke clears,
clean up their mess.

Thank you for staying.

It was pretty cool of you.

Look.

I know I got carried away with Lainey.

[Chuckles]

It's just...

I loved having someone
who was willing to listen.

Someone who's not always pushing me away.

And I know you love us more than anything.

And we appreciate it.

We really do.

So maybe you won't push me away as much?

Depends if you won't
get carried away so much.

Yeah, both aren't gonna happen.

[Chuckles]

For now.

That's the amazing
thing about parents.

No matter how hard
you push them away,

they'll never let you go.

And sometimes, they give you
just the push you need.

What you writing?

It's called a break-up letter.

Put your pen down.

You don't have to break
up with what's-her-face.

- Her name is...
- Dana, yes.

I know. I know. I know.

[Sighs]

How about if I let you call her again?

Wait. Seriously?

10 minutes a night. Will that work?

- Really?
- 10 minutes.

Not a second more. I mean it.

I got a stopwatch in the drawer.

You said long distance was impossible.

Yeah, well, I remembered

that I actually knew a
guy who pulled it off.

- Really?
- Yeah.

No matter how far away
the girl was, he loved her,

and that's all that mattered.

I love Dana.

I-I really do.

Well, then, make that call.

But 10 minutes only.

There, I see it. Hailey's comet.

My God, so cool.

Did you see it?

Yeah, I did.

Oh, my God, that was amazing.

You know what the best part was?

What?

I saw it with you.

It was a night
I'd remember forever.

Sure, Dana and I
were 3,000 Miles away,

but we never felt closer.

And even though my dad said
he couldn't afford our love,

in the end, he knew

there's just some things in
life you can't put a price on.

Beverly: Adam, get off the
roof. You'll break your neck.

[Off-key]
step by step

I'll be your boyfriend.

Yeah, I'll be your boyfriend, okay?

Don't you see we're young?
It doesn't matter what we do.

[Belches]

Synced & Corrected by Laulau
www.addic7ed.com

Did you just take a tab?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, you have no idea

how long I've waited for this moment.

Yeah, I just wanted to...

learn how to shred the axe? You will.

Oh. You just wanted to...

It lost, it's minty flavor.

Wait a minute, Helen is with Todd!

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0