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Adult Adam: Halloween in the '80s...
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The one day a year you
could wear what you want,
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00:00:04,906 --> 00:00:07,091
go where you want, eat what you want,
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00:00:07,093 --> 00:00:10,010
and nothing could stop
me in my Voltron costume.
5
00:00:10,078 --> 00:00:12,744
Except my "smother."
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00:00:12,746 --> 00:00:16,482
Oh! Come on. That's my Halloween
candy. Let me just eat it already.
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Not until we take it to the
hospital and have it x-rayed.
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00:00:19,953 --> 00:00:24,263
Ellen Shorstein's son found
a handful of aquarium gravel
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in an almond cluster.
Tore his braces right off.
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00:00:27,561 --> 00:00:30,161
That was one of the many
urban legends back then.
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00:00:30,163 --> 00:00:32,398
There was no Google or Wikipedia,
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00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:35,267
so you believed every
stupid rumor you heard,
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00:00:35,335 --> 00:00:37,369
like Bigfoot lived in upstate New York
14
00:00:37,437 --> 00:00:40,439
or Mr. Rogers was the
world's most deadly sniper
15
00:00:40,507 --> 00:00:44,376
or there was a ghost in
"Three Men And A Baby."
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00:00:44,444 --> 00:00:45,845
We actually believed if you played
17
00:00:45,912 --> 00:00:47,747
Led Zeppelin, Beatles,
or the Stones Backwards,
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00:00:47,814 --> 00:00:50,316
you could hear hidden satanic messages.
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00:00:50,383 --> 00:00:53,018
(Garbled speech)
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Did you hear that? He said he loves Satan!
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00:00:55,988 --> 00:00:57,923
You know what I love? Silence!
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00:00:57,990 --> 00:01:00,225
Stop screwing with my record player!
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00:01:00,293 --> 00:01:02,627
But the most epic urban legend of them all
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00:01:02,695 --> 00:01:04,763
was that cola became a lethal poison
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00:01:04,830 --> 00:01:08,033
when mixed with a
particular exploding candy.
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00:01:08,100 --> 00:01:09,267
- Oh!
- Aah!
27
00:01:09,335 --> 00:01:10,669
Stupid Barry! Why?!
28
00:01:10,736 --> 00:01:11,937
Oh, my God.
29
00:01:12,004 --> 00:01:14,013
You were seconds from
death, and I saved you!
30
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- What are you talking about?
- Hello!
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When the bubbles in the soda mix
with the explosives in the pop rocks,
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it triggers a chain reaction
that melts your insides!
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00:01:22,914 --> 00:01:24,348
Shut up. It does not.
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00:01:24,416 --> 00:01:26,083
- Well, tell that to Mikey.
- Who's Mikey?
35
00:01:26,151 --> 00:01:27,685
Both: Who's Mikey?
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Barry: God, you know nothing.
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Mikey, the spokesboy for life cereal.
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You know, he likes it. Mikey likes it.
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00:01:35,427 --> 00:01:38,028
Well, he did until he
mixed pop rocks and soda,
40
00:01:38,096 --> 00:01:39,563
then he exploded.
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00:01:39,631 --> 00:01:41,943
- Oh, please. He did not.
- Wait!
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00:01:41,945 --> 00:01:44,233
- I just saved your life.
- What?
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According to the way of the samurai,
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you're my servant until the debt is repaid.
45
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That's not a thing.
46
00:01:48,573 --> 00:01:50,841
Oh, it is. It's the Bushido code.
47
00:01:50,909 --> 00:01:53,146
Well, that sounds like complete bull-shido.
48
00:01:53,148 --> 00:01:56,380
It's ancient history written
in stone! You have no choice!
49
00:01:56,382 --> 00:01:59,984
I'm not anyone's slave.
You didn't save my life.
50
00:02:00,002 --> 00:02:01,169
And it's not real.
51
00:02:01,218 --> 00:02:02,418
All right, then.
52
00:02:02,420 --> 00:02:05,688
If you're so certain
it's not real, then do it.
53
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Do it!
54
00:02:08,426 --> 00:02:10,460
Aah! What the hell?!
55
00:02:10,528 --> 00:02:11,961
What are you, nuts?
56
00:02:12,029 --> 00:02:15,498
Mikey gave his life so that
that would never happen again!
57
00:02:15,566 --> 00:02:17,100
Ugh!
58
00:02:17,168 --> 00:02:19,035
I'm twisted up inside
59
00:02:19,103 --> 00:02:23,173
but nonetheless I
feel the need to say
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I don't know the future
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00:02:26,777 --> 00:02:30,647
but the past keeps
getting clearer every day
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00:02:30,714 --> 00:02:33,283
It was October 31, 1980-something,
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00:02:33,350 --> 00:02:35,685
the year my grandfather,
A.K.A. Burt Reynolds,
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00:02:35,753 --> 00:02:40,177
threw the most epic Halloween bash
his condo building had ever seen.
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00:02:40,179 --> 00:02:42,358
All right, let's get this party started!
66
00:02:42,426 --> 00:02:46,029
Who wants flaming pumpkin shots?
67
00:02:46,096 --> 00:02:47,730
(Cheering)
68
00:02:47,798 --> 00:02:51,334
Ah! Trick or treat, baby.
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00:02:51,402 --> 00:02:53,970
Sure, pops almost burned the place down,
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00:02:54,038 --> 00:02:55,805
but he only cared about one thing.
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00:02:55,873 --> 00:02:57,173
Fun party.
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00:02:57,241 --> 00:02:59,075
Okay.
73
00:02:59,143 --> 00:03:01,110
I smoothed everything over.
74
00:03:01,178 --> 00:03:02,479
So I can stay?
75
00:03:02,546 --> 00:03:04,979
Oh, God, no. Your
landlord's kicking you out.
76
00:03:04,981 --> 00:03:07,049
But you're not going to jail.
77
00:03:07,051 --> 00:03:08,683
Don't worry. You can move in with us.
78
00:03:08,685 --> 00:03:11,053
Roomies! We can finally be roomies!
79
00:03:11,055 --> 00:03:13,022
Kiddo, I don't want to cramp your style.
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00:03:13,090 --> 00:03:15,291
What if you bring a girl back to the room?
81
00:03:15,359 --> 00:03:16,893
We both know that's not gonna happen.
82
00:03:16,961 --> 00:03:19,195
- Let's go get a bag packed.
- Beverly: Finally!
83
00:03:19,329 --> 00:03:22,965
All my boys under one roof! It's happening!
84
00:03:22,967 --> 00:03:25,401
No. I know that look in your eye.
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00:03:25,469 --> 00:03:28,646
You want your dad to live with us forever.
86
00:03:28,648 --> 00:03:30,305
Murray, that's a great idea!
87
00:03:30,307 --> 00:03:32,975
Stop making me feel good! He's not staying!
88
00:03:33,043 --> 00:03:35,878
Bevy, it's time we discussed other options.
89
00:03:35,946 --> 00:03:36,979
Stop it right there.
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00:03:37,047 --> 00:03:38,514
I have said this a thousand times.
91
00:03:38,582 --> 00:03:40,883
We're not moving my dad into a home.
92
00:03:40,951 --> 00:03:43,419
Shady Willows is not a home.
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00:03:43,487 --> 00:03:47,056
It's a leisure community
for active seniors.
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00:03:47,124 --> 00:03:51,027
I don't trust Shady Willows.
"Shady" is in the name.
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00:03:51,095 --> 00:03:52,895
That's because old people love shade.
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00:03:52,963 --> 00:03:54,731
They have trees. They have umbrellas.
97
00:03:54,798 --> 00:03:56,032
You name it, they got it.
98
00:03:56,100 --> 00:03:59,702
Taco Tuesdays, fajita
Fridays! It's all there!
99
00:03:59,770 --> 00:04:01,637
That is way too much Mexican food for him.
100
00:04:01,705 --> 00:04:04,073
You're not to mention this
to him. Do you understand?
101
00:04:04,141 --> 00:04:06,576
Family takes care of family. End of story.
102
00:04:06,643 --> 00:04:07,643
Damn it!
103
00:04:07,711 --> 00:04:08,978
I'm working my ass off
104
00:04:09,046 --> 00:04:11,047
trying to get people to
move out of our house.
105
00:04:11,115 --> 00:04:12,582
Stop trying to move people in!
106
00:04:12,649 --> 00:04:14,117
Let's compromise, okay?
107
00:04:14,184 --> 00:04:17,787
Until we figure something out,
dad can crash in the attic.
108
00:04:17,855 --> 00:04:20,656
Ha ha! Good luck getting
him to move up there.
109
00:04:20,724 --> 00:04:24,560
It's hot, it's dusty, and
it's covered with bat doody.
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Son of a bitch.
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You got that right.
112
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How'd you pull this off in two days?
113
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Oh, it was nothing.
114
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I just dusted, moved some boxes, drywalled,
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00:04:33,837 --> 00:04:36,105
did a little electrical
work, added a bay window.
116
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You know, mother's touch.
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00:04:37,674 --> 00:04:40,176
As my mom was busy moving in pops,
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00:04:40,244 --> 00:04:43,079
Barry was moving in on Lainey
in the hopes to get busy.
119
00:04:43,147 --> 00:04:50,484
88, 89, 100. Man, exercise
does this body good.
120
00:04:50,486 --> 00:04:53,288
Time for a cool-down.
121
00:04:53,356 --> 00:04:54,489
What are you drinking?
122
00:04:54,557 --> 00:04:55,691
Pepto.
123
00:04:55,758 --> 00:04:57,659
Set the Abba-Zaba record at lunch today.
124
00:04:57,727 --> 00:05:00,262
My boys bet me 10 bucks I couldn't eat 8.
125
00:05:00,330 --> 00:05:01,630
Took down 12.
126
00:05:01,698 --> 00:05:04,633
Are you trying to impress
me by eating Halloween candy?
127
00:05:04,701 --> 00:05:08,303
- Not trying. If it happens, so be it.
- Goodbye.
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(Door opens)
129
00:05:09,572 --> 00:05:11,319
Later, Lainey! (Door closes)
130
00:05:11,321 --> 00:05:13,589
Wow. You are the worst.
131
00:05:13,591 --> 00:05:15,108
That's not what Lainey thinks.
132
00:05:15,110 --> 00:05:17,612
She kissed me, remember?
133
00:05:17,679 --> 00:05:20,948
And now there's so much
electricity between us,
134
00:05:21,016 --> 00:05:22,550
all hot and crackling.
135
00:05:22,618 --> 00:05:24,385
Kind of like pop rocks.
136
00:05:24,453 --> 00:05:25,720
Speaking of which,
137
00:05:25,788 --> 00:05:27,855
- remember how I saved your life?
- No.
138
00:05:27,923 --> 00:05:30,892
According to the Bushido
code, you must repay me.
139
00:05:30,959 --> 00:05:33,327
Last night, I figured out what I want.
140
00:05:33,395 --> 00:05:34,729
Get me the girl.
141
00:05:34,797 --> 00:05:37,020
- No!
- Just one date!
142
00:05:37,022 --> 00:05:38,589
Talk to her! Bushido code!
143
00:05:38,591 --> 00:05:39,724
Talking won't help.
144
00:05:39,726 --> 00:05:41,421
Lainey doesn't like anything about you.
145
00:05:41,423 --> 00:05:43,069
Bushido code! You must do this!
146
00:05:43,071 --> 00:05:44,305
Oh, my God.
147
00:05:44,372 --> 00:05:46,340
If I do this, will you
stop saying "Bushido code"?
148
00:05:46,408 --> 00:05:48,075
According to Bushido code, yes.
149
00:05:48,135 --> 00:05:50,810
Fine. I'll tell her to go
have some pizza with you.
150
00:05:50,812 --> 00:05:53,347
Yes! First step, pizza.
151
00:05:53,415 --> 00:05:55,482
Second step, we express
our love physically.
152
00:05:55,550 --> 00:05:56,650
Third step.
153
00:05:56,718 --> 00:05:58,085
Ow.
154
00:05:58,153 --> 00:06:00,354
That is not the way of the samurai!
155
00:06:00,422 --> 00:06:03,822
As Barry was laying down
the laws of the Bushido code,
156
00:06:03,824 --> 00:06:06,860
my dad was laying down
some laws of his own.
157
00:06:06,927 --> 00:06:10,030
Okay, now that she's moved
in your giant speakers
158
00:06:10,097 --> 00:06:12,265
and your king-size waterbed,
159
00:06:12,333 --> 00:06:15,402
it's time to go over
the rules of the house.
160
00:06:15,469 --> 00:06:18,304
These are more like suggestions,
nothing hard and fast.
161
00:06:18,372 --> 00:06:22,042
Rule number 1... Do not
touch the thermostat.
162
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Touch it?
163
00:06:23,444 --> 00:06:26,346
You've already taped it
off like a crazy person.
164
00:06:26,414 --> 00:06:29,549
Rule number 2... What's ours is yours.
165
00:06:29,617 --> 00:06:32,152
Rule number 3... Ignore rule number 2.
166
00:06:32,219 --> 00:06:34,290
What's mine is mine.
167
00:06:34,292 --> 00:06:38,634
Rule 4... No coming in after 10:00.
168
00:06:38,636 --> 00:06:40,559
10:00 in the morning
or 10:00 in the evening?
169
00:06:40,561 --> 00:06:43,384
Why would anyone come in
at 10:00 in the morning?
170
00:06:43,386 --> 00:06:45,613
Why would anyone come in
at 10:00 in the evening?
171
00:06:45,666 --> 00:06:46,999
Rule number 5...
172
00:06:47,067 --> 00:06:50,969
Mandatory hugs every time
you walk through the door.
173
00:06:50,971 --> 00:06:54,740
Rule 6... No loud music, no parties.
174
00:06:54,808 --> 00:06:56,775
Are these written down somewhere?
175
00:06:56,843 --> 00:06:58,544
I-I'm kind of losing track.
176
00:06:58,612 --> 00:07:01,347
Okay, rule 6 1/2... We love you.
177
00:07:01,414 --> 00:07:03,182
That's not even a rule!
178
00:07:03,250 --> 00:07:04,950
Everyone, just relax.
179
00:07:05,018 --> 00:07:07,620
You've opened your home to me,
180
00:07:07,687 --> 00:07:09,755
and I'm gonna respect your wishes.
181
00:07:09,823 --> 00:07:12,525
You see, honey? This is gonna be great.
182
00:07:12,592 --> 00:07:13,826
And with that,
183
00:07:13,894 --> 00:07:16,221
we had a new family member under our roof.
184
00:07:16,223 --> 00:07:18,357
Fortunately, this one
was a responsible adult
185
00:07:18,359 --> 00:07:21,027
who would never disobey
my dad's insane rules.
186
00:07:21,029 --> 00:07:23,995
Or not.
187
00:07:24,011 --> 00:07:26,970
Max! It's on Max!
188
00:07:26,972 --> 00:07:28,707
(Jazz music playing loudly) He touched it!
189
00:07:28,774 --> 00:07:30,141
He touched the thermostat!
190
00:07:30,209 --> 00:07:33,011
God only knows how much
money we burned in cold air!
191
00:07:33,079 --> 00:07:35,680
I'll bake him some cookies
and talk to him about it.
192
00:07:35,748 --> 00:07:38,049
No cookies! Do you hear that loud music?
193
00:07:38,117 --> 00:07:39,751
He's breaking all of my rules!
194
00:07:39,819 --> 00:07:41,753
Here. This will take the edge off.
195
00:07:41,821 --> 00:07:44,155
Why are you bringing me a
delicious Martini right now?
196
00:07:44,223 --> 00:07:48,126
Pops is schooling me in the art of
mixology so I can bartend his parties.
197
00:07:48,194 --> 00:07:50,462
Unacceptable! All of this is unacceptable!
198
00:07:50,529 --> 00:07:54,297
- Get rid of this.
- He's just testing our boundaries.
199
00:07:54,299 --> 00:07:56,567
If we push him too hard, he'll rebel more.
200
00:07:56,635 --> 00:07:59,036
You're talking about him like
he's one of our dumb kids,
201
00:07:59,104 --> 00:08:00,104
but he's not!
202
00:08:00,172 --> 00:08:01,939
He's worse! I can't ground him!
203
00:08:02,007 --> 00:08:04,909
My dad had reached his boiling point.
204
00:08:04,976 --> 00:08:07,144
Unfortunately, he didn't
know pops was on a hot date.
205
00:08:07,212 --> 00:08:09,013
Albert! Turn it off! (Woman screams)
206
00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:10,848
Oh, my God! (Thud)
207
00:08:14,252 --> 00:08:15,619
This is not my fault.
208
00:08:15,687 --> 00:08:18,055
I had a necktie hanging on the door.
209
00:08:18,123 --> 00:08:21,390
When a necktie's on the door,
the pants are on the floor.
210
00:08:21,392 --> 00:08:23,060
Everyone knows that.
211
00:08:23,127 --> 00:08:24,928
I can't unsee what I just saw.
212
00:08:24,996 --> 00:08:26,496
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
213
00:08:26,564 --> 00:08:28,865
It was like a couple of hairless cats
214
00:08:28,933 --> 00:08:31,101
fighting in a pile of pizza dough.
215
00:08:31,169 --> 00:08:33,437
It was a very bad low angle.
216
00:08:33,504 --> 00:08:36,006
That's it, Bevy. He's
going to Shady Willows.
217
00:08:36,074 --> 00:08:38,342
Wait. Shady Willows is on the table?
218
00:08:38,409 --> 00:08:39,776
Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.
219
00:08:39,844 --> 00:08:41,578
Murray, we agreed not
to mention that place.
220
00:08:41,646 --> 00:08:43,580
Why not? I love it there.
221
00:08:43,648 --> 00:08:46,577
No! Family takes care of family,
222
00:08:46,579 --> 00:08:50,186
and I am not gonna let a
few tiny mishaps change that.
223
00:08:50,188 --> 00:08:51,521
Aah!
224
00:08:51,589 --> 00:08:58,927
It appears I have popped another waterbed
while entertaining a female friend.
225
00:08:58,929 --> 00:09:00,497
You should go.
226
00:09:00,564 --> 00:09:01,631
I should go.
227
00:09:01,699 --> 00:09:05,268
All right. That's the last of it.
228
00:09:05,336 --> 00:09:07,070
(Sighs)
229
00:09:07,138 --> 00:09:08,805
Let's get you to Shady Willows.
230
00:09:08,873 --> 00:09:11,873
And step on it so I don't miss salsa class.
231
00:09:11,875 --> 00:09:14,510
(Engine turns over) That place
is crawling with hot widows.
232
00:09:14,578 --> 00:09:15,445
No!
233
00:09:15,512 --> 00:09:16,679
(Sighs)
234
00:09:16,747 --> 00:09:19,248
He's not leaving! You'll
have to run me over!
235
00:09:19,316 --> 00:09:21,384
Just nudge her a bit. She'll move.
236
00:09:21,452 --> 00:09:24,987
- I'm not gonna hit her with the car, Al.
- Not hit. Nudge.
237
00:09:25,055 --> 00:09:26,055
Shame on you.
238
00:09:26,123 --> 00:09:27,790
Family takes care of family.
239
00:09:27,858 --> 00:09:32,760
You keep saying that, but
that's what we're doing.
240
00:09:32,762 --> 00:09:35,431
We're taking your dad to
a place he wants to be.
241
00:09:35,498 --> 00:09:36,598
And then what?
242
00:09:36,666 --> 00:09:38,867
We teach our kids it's okay to abandon us,
243
00:09:38,935 --> 00:09:41,970
to just pack up our bags and
throw us out on an ice floe
244
00:09:42,038 --> 00:09:44,239
and let us drift off into nothingness?
245
00:09:44,307 --> 00:09:46,708
This sounds like you're more
concerned with what this means for you.
246
00:09:46,776 --> 00:09:48,777
No, this has nothing to
do with my greatest fear
247
00:09:48,845 --> 00:09:50,145
of being alone when I'm old.
248
00:09:50,213 --> 00:09:52,047
This is about family.
249
00:09:52,115 --> 00:09:53,282
Oh!
250
00:09:53,349 --> 00:09:55,884
So that's why you're against this.
251
00:09:55,952 --> 00:09:58,287
You're afraid that our stupid children
252
00:09:58,354 --> 00:10:00,022
will put you into a home.
253
00:10:00,090 --> 00:10:02,057
Don't spin this around on me.
254
00:10:02,125 --> 00:10:04,827
This is about my father, about my mantra...
255
00:10:04,894 --> 00:10:06,762
Family takes care of Beverly.
256
00:10:06,830 --> 00:10:08,597
I mean family. You know what?
257
00:10:08,665 --> 00:10:10,365
That was a bad slip, and I admit that.
258
00:10:10,433 --> 00:10:13,168
Put your seat belt on. I'm gonna nudge her.
259
00:10:13,236 --> 00:10:14,636
Good for you.
260
00:10:14,704 --> 00:10:15,737
(Tires screech)
261
00:10:15,805 --> 00:10:17,973
Don't you nudge me.
262
00:10:18,041 --> 00:10:19,241
Oh, I'm nudging you!
263
00:10:19,309 --> 00:10:20,776
Don't you nudge me!
264
00:10:20,844 --> 00:10:22,377
You've been nudged!
265
00:10:22,445 --> 00:10:25,681
This isn't over, not
by a long shot, mister!
266
00:10:25,748 --> 00:10:28,784
I will (Bleep) (Bleep) (Bleep)
267
00:10:30,747 --> 00:10:32,181
So!
268
00:10:32,248 --> 00:10:34,817
Saw you talking to Lainey this morning.
269
00:10:34,884 --> 00:10:36,118
We all set?
270
00:10:36,178 --> 00:10:40,753
- What are you wearing?
- It's my fanciest Flavor Flav clock.
271
00:10:40,755 --> 00:10:43,624
Or should I go digital?
Show her I'm a modern man.
272
00:10:43,626 --> 00:10:45,026
Put your clock back on your nightstand.
273
00:10:45,094 --> 00:10:46,527
I talked to Lainey about this weekend.
274
00:10:46,595 --> 00:10:47,762
It's a no-go.
275
00:10:47,830 --> 00:10:49,364
Oh, it's a scheduling issue?
276
00:10:49,431 --> 00:10:51,666
Tell her I'm available
Monday through Friday
277
00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:54,202
and every other weekend
ever plus all other weekdays.
278
00:10:54,270 --> 00:10:56,337
Yeah, no, that's not the issue.
279
00:10:56,405 --> 00:10:57,705
She thinks you're...
280
00:10:57,773 --> 00:11:00,193
How do I put this gently?... gross.
281
00:11:00,195 --> 00:11:01,109
What?!
282
00:11:01,176 --> 00:11:03,615
- Did you tell her I can bench 200?
- Yep.
283
00:11:03,617 --> 00:11:06,080
Did you tell her I can pop
like three wheelies in a row?
284
00:11:06,081 --> 00:11:06,623
I did.
285
00:11:06,625 --> 00:11:08,080
Did you tell her I'm a self-taught dancer?
286
00:11:08,082 --> 00:11:09,531
She was not impressed.
287
00:11:09,651 --> 00:11:11,085
Did you tell her that I give no excuses
288
00:11:11,152 --> 00:11:12,620
- and take no prisoners?
- No dice.
289
00:11:12,687 --> 00:11:14,765
Did you tell her I'm silky
smooth but cut from steel?
290
00:11:14,766 --> 00:11:15,225
Totally.
291
00:11:15,226 --> 00:11:17,157
Did you tell her I can
kick as high as my head
292
00:11:17,225 --> 00:11:18,526
and I used to own a python?
293
00:11:18,593 --> 00:11:20,927
I told her everything. No go.
294
00:11:20,929 --> 00:11:24,565
I thought... I actually had a shot.
295
00:11:24,632 --> 00:11:26,200
Aw...
296
00:11:26,267 --> 00:11:27,568
You don't.
297
00:11:27,635 --> 00:11:29,036
I'm never gonna find a girl.
298
00:11:29,103 --> 00:11:31,369
Seriously, I'm gonna be alone forever.
299
00:11:31,371 --> 00:11:32,371
It's not fair!
300
00:11:32,373 --> 00:11:33,840
Stop being so dramatic.
301
00:11:33,908 --> 00:11:35,442
Bushido code.
302
00:11:35,510 --> 00:11:37,904
I've been rejected and shamed.
303
00:11:37,906 --> 00:11:42,147
Let these pop rocks and soda be the sword
that brings me an honorable samurai death.
304
00:11:42,149 --> 00:11:44,551
I talked to the science
teacher. It's not real.
305
00:11:44,618 --> 00:11:47,754
Well, tell that to the chemical
reaction happening in my mouth right now.
306
00:11:47,822 --> 00:11:49,189
This is science.
307
00:11:49,256 --> 00:11:50,890
While Barry had given up on his future,
308
00:11:50,958 --> 00:11:53,560
my mom was trying to secure hers.
309
00:11:53,627 --> 00:11:55,061
Hey, snuggle bear.
310
00:11:55,129 --> 00:11:59,365
Came to cheer you up. I
know how upset you must be.
311
00:11:59,433 --> 00:12:02,035
About what?
312
00:12:02,102 --> 00:12:06,669
Well, I don't want you to think in
this family we abandon our parents.
313
00:12:06,671 --> 00:12:08,373
Pops should be living here,
314
00:12:08,375 --> 00:12:10,642
just like how I'm gonna be living with you.
315
00:12:10,710 --> 00:12:12,279
Wait. What?
316
00:12:12,281 --> 00:12:14,179
Since when are you living with me?
317
00:12:14,247 --> 00:12:15,257
What about Erica?
318
00:12:15,259 --> 00:12:18,050
Lovely girl, but deal
with those mood swings?
319
00:12:18,118 --> 00:12:20,919
- No, thank you.
- Well, then go live with Barry.
320
00:12:20,987 --> 00:12:24,123
Oh, sweetie, it's more than
likely we'll be taking care of him.
321
00:12:24,190 --> 00:12:26,892
What? So now I'm taking
care of you and Barry?
322
00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:29,461
Just me. We'll find a place for Barry.
323
00:12:29,529 --> 00:12:32,064
Maybe the merchant marine or a commune.
324
00:12:32,132 --> 00:12:34,299
Why does Barry get to live on a
commune while I'm stuck with you?
325
00:12:34,367 --> 00:12:37,136
Hon, not just me. You'll
have your lovely wife
326
00:12:37,203 --> 00:12:39,338
and four beautiful boys for support.
327
00:12:39,406 --> 00:12:41,740
No way. I won't have room for you, too.
328
00:12:41,808 --> 00:12:45,144
Well, we'll convert the garage
into a cozy, little in-law suite.
329
00:12:45,211 --> 00:12:46,998
The garage is my space!
330
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,648
That's where I watch movies and
display my collectible figurines.
331
00:12:49,716 --> 00:12:51,583
Oh, you can move all
that down to the basement.
332
00:12:51,651 --> 00:12:54,486
So now I'm getting banished
down to the basement?
333
00:12:54,554 --> 00:12:57,254
I work my ass off, and this is all I get?
334
00:12:57,256 --> 00:12:58,490
Fine. Take the garage.
335
00:12:58,558 --> 00:13:00,959
I'll just live down in the
basement like a mole person.
336
00:13:01,027 --> 00:13:02,027
Is that what you want?
337
00:13:02,095 --> 00:13:03,361
Why can't you just stay in a hotel
338
00:13:03,429 --> 00:13:04,596
and visit every once in a while?
339
00:13:04,664 --> 00:13:05,731
A hotel?
340
00:13:05,798 --> 00:13:07,818
Where the maid can steal my jewelry
341
00:13:07,820 --> 00:13:10,167
and someone can break in
and clonk me on the head?
342
00:13:10,169 --> 00:13:11,836
Fine! Don't visit, then!
343
00:13:11,904 --> 00:13:14,472
Oh, I know where this is coming from.
344
00:13:14,540 --> 00:13:15,573
Your wife.
345
00:13:15,641 --> 00:13:16,741
You said she was lovely!
346
00:13:16,809 --> 00:13:18,710
When it's convenient for her.
347
00:13:18,777 --> 00:13:20,311
Why are we even talking about this?!
348
00:13:20,379 --> 00:13:21,779
I'm just a little boy!
349
00:13:21,847 --> 00:13:23,281
Where are you going, young man?
350
00:13:23,349 --> 00:13:25,183
To stay with pops! You're crazy.
351
00:13:25,250 --> 00:13:27,318
While I headed down to Shady Willows,
352
00:13:27,386 --> 00:13:29,487
my mom headed up to my treehouse
353
00:13:29,555 --> 00:13:31,289
to contemplate her future.
354
00:13:33,425 --> 00:13:36,527
What are you doing up here?
355
00:13:38,161 --> 00:13:40,095
I needed to eat my feelings,
356
00:13:40,097 --> 00:13:42,699
and this is where Adam hid
his Halloween candy from you.
357
00:13:42,701 --> 00:13:43,701
Anything good left?
358
00:13:43,768 --> 00:13:45,569
Just these awful circus peanuts.
359
00:13:45,637 --> 00:13:47,137
Yeah, nobody wants those.
360
00:13:48,546 --> 00:13:50,641
Just like me.
361
00:13:51,375 --> 00:13:53,676
I'm the circus peanut of mothers.
362
00:13:53,678 --> 00:13:55,045
What are you talking about?
363
00:13:55,113 --> 00:13:57,247
Adam won't let me live
with him when I'm old.
364
00:13:57,315 --> 00:13:58,983
God knows Erica won't take me in.
365
00:13:59,050 --> 00:14:02,513
So looks like this is where
I'm gonna spend my golden years,
366
00:14:02,515 --> 00:14:05,404
- right up here in this treehouse.
- Well, what about Barry?
367
00:14:05,406 --> 00:14:07,222
Oh, well, you've solved that problem.
368
00:14:07,224 --> 00:14:09,974
Please reserve me the master suite
369
00:14:09,976 --> 00:14:12,262
in his rap mansion in the clouds.
370
00:14:12,330 --> 00:14:16,666
Trust me, Bevy. Our kids
will never abandon you.
371
00:14:16,734 --> 00:14:20,168
- How do you know?
- Look at how well you treat your own dad.
372
00:14:20,170 --> 00:14:21,537
You think they don't notice that?
373
00:14:21,605 --> 00:14:24,919
Well, I guess I am pretty
blatant with my love.
374
00:14:24,921 --> 00:14:26,309
Of course you are.
375
00:14:26,377 --> 00:14:30,662
And it's like you always say.
Family takes care of family.
376
00:14:30,664 --> 00:14:32,782
And speaking of which,
377
00:14:32,850 --> 00:14:34,717
I could use some help
getting down from here.
378
00:14:34,785 --> 00:14:36,786
(Chuckles)
379
00:14:36,854 --> 00:14:38,187
No.
380
00:14:38,255 --> 00:14:39,722
My mom may have been kidding,
381
00:14:39,790 --> 00:14:41,357
but Barry's love for Lainey was no joke.
382
00:14:41,830 --> 00:14:43,477
(Gasps) Lainey!
383
00:14:43,479 --> 00:14:44,880
Okay.
384
00:14:45,023 --> 00:14:47,919
Before you say anything, just hear me out.
385
00:14:47,921 --> 00:14:50,810
I know Erica gave you the big sell on me,
386
00:14:50,812 --> 00:14:53,768
but I can't just give
up on us without a fight.
387
00:14:53,770 --> 00:14:54,870
What's happening?
388
00:14:54,872 --> 00:14:56,272
I'm-a tell you what's happening.
389
00:14:56,274 --> 00:14:57,639
JTP, drop the beat.
390
00:14:57,707 --> 00:14:59,708
(Beatboxing)
391
00:14:59,776 --> 00:15:02,578
I'd do anything for
a girl named Lainey
392
00:15:02,645 --> 00:15:03,359
Yeah!
393
00:15:03,361 --> 00:15:05,747
I'll punch a tiger,
swim the Allegheny
394
00:15:05,815 --> 00:15:07,983
I know it's creepy 'cause
I'm her best friend's brother
395
00:15:08,051 --> 00:15:10,819
but I love her, and
we should be together
396
00:15:10,887 --> 00:15:13,388
like Joanie loves
chachi, Tango loves cash
397
00:15:13,456 --> 00:15:14,756
she the Turner to my hooch
398
00:15:14,824 --> 00:15:16,258
I'll be the bangers in your mash
399
00:15:16,326 --> 00:15:17,960
- Oh, my God! Stop! (Beatboxing stops)
- Don't stop!
400
00:15:18,027 --> 00:15:19,261
(Beatboxing resumes)
401
00:15:19,329 --> 00:15:21,163
"L" to the "y" to
the "n" to the "e"
402
00:15:21,231 --> 00:15:24,933
that spells Lainey, that's
a rap from big taste-y
403
00:15:25,001 --> 00:15:27,202
First of all, you spelled
my name horribly wrong.
404
00:15:27,270 --> 00:15:29,471
And secondly, Erica never
talked to me about you.
405
00:15:29,539 --> 00:15:31,106
What?! But...
406
00:15:31,174 --> 00:15:32,608
She said that...
407
00:15:32,675 --> 00:15:34,309
Erica swore to me!
408
00:15:34,377 --> 00:15:35,410
We had an agreement!
409
00:15:35,478 --> 00:15:37,079
She talked me up, but you said no.
410
00:15:37,146 --> 00:15:38,447
Yeah, that didn't happen.
411
00:15:38,514 --> 00:15:39,948
In that moment,
412
00:15:40,016 --> 00:15:42,451
Barry knew the next thing
he said had to be perfect.
413
00:15:47,420 --> 00:15:48,787
Lies.
414
00:15:48,855 --> 00:15:50,956
You have no honor whatsoever!
415
00:15:51,023 --> 00:15:52,390
I'm okay with that.
416
00:15:52,458 --> 00:15:54,593
Don't you walk away from me.
417
00:15:54,660 --> 00:15:56,428
I saved your life.
418
00:15:56,496 --> 00:15:57,496
Ow.
419
00:15:57,563 --> 00:15:58,897
And this is how you repay me?
420
00:15:58,965 --> 00:16:01,800
You should be thanking me. I was
just trying to spare your feelings.
421
00:16:01,868 --> 00:16:03,835
I didn't expect you to
do some love rap to Lainey
422
00:16:03,903 --> 00:16:04,870
about Turner and Hooch.
423
00:16:04,937 --> 00:16:06,436
They weren't even a couple, dude.
424
00:16:06,438 --> 00:16:07,672
One is a dog.
425
00:16:07,740 --> 00:16:10,841
That dog took a bullet for Tom Hanks!
426
00:16:10,843 --> 00:16:11,743
That's love!
427
00:16:11,811 --> 00:16:14,646
Aah! I'm in so much pain!
428
00:16:14,713 --> 00:16:16,247
Yeah, yeah. Your heart is broken.
429
00:16:16,315 --> 00:16:17,749
Just stop with the dramatics.
430
00:16:17,817 --> 00:16:18,917
No!
431
00:16:18,984 --> 00:16:21,818
There's something wrong
with my insides! Aah!
432
00:16:21,820 --> 00:16:24,588
Oh, no. Oh, God, it's happening!
433
00:16:24,656 --> 00:16:26,891
Pop rocks and cola! I'm Mikey!
434
00:16:26,958 --> 00:16:28,259
It's not real!
435
00:16:28,326 --> 00:16:29,393
Oh, this is real.
436
00:16:29,461 --> 00:16:32,163
It just took longer to take me down
'cause my body's in peak condition.
437
00:16:32,230 --> 00:16:33,164
Oh, yeah.
438
00:16:33,231 --> 00:16:34,732
You did this to me.
439
00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:36,066
This is on you!
440
00:16:36,134 --> 00:16:37,668
Barry.
441
00:16:37,736 --> 00:16:39,637
Get up!
442
00:16:39,704 --> 00:16:41,071
Barry?
443
00:16:41,139 --> 00:16:43,207
As Barry was rushed over to the E.R.,
444
00:16:43,275 --> 00:16:44,675
my mom rushed to fetch me
445
00:16:44,743 --> 00:16:47,344
from pops' new luxurious
retirement community.
446
00:16:47,412 --> 00:16:50,458
Hi, daddy. Can I come in?
447
00:16:50,460 --> 00:16:53,859
There's no tie on the
door. You're good to go.
448
00:16:56,454 --> 00:16:58,388
Beverly: Wow. You did all this?
449
00:16:58,456 --> 00:17:01,224
Hey, you get it from somewhere.
450
00:17:01,292 --> 00:17:03,326
Are you sure you'll be okay here?
451
00:17:03,394 --> 00:17:06,429
Bev, this is where I belong.
452
00:17:06,497 --> 00:17:07,831
Good food, good people.
453
00:17:07,898 --> 00:17:10,867
And you wouldn't believe
how far a full head of hair
454
00:17:10,935 --> 00:17:12,836
will get you in here with the ladies.
455
00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:16,673
Well, I'm happy for you.
456
00:17:16,741 --> 00:17:18,742
And, uh, thanks for looking after Adam.
457
00:17:18,809 --> 00:17:20,043
Ah.
458
00:17:20,177 --> 00:17:23,209
A little time away was
the best thing for him.
459
00:17:23,218 --> 00:17:24,346
Adam: Ahh!
460
00:17:24,348 --> 00:17:27,849
Just took a good schvitz.
Oh, and I ran into Irma.
461
00:17:27,851 --> 00:17:30,386
She invited us over to play some gin rummy.
462
00:17:30,453 --> 00:17:32,288
Uh, sweetie, I think
it's time to come home.
463
00:17:32,355 --> 00:17:34,189
No. I'm never coming home.
464
00:17:34,257 --> 00:17:37,526
This place has a sauna, an
early-bird dinner at 4:30,
465
00:17:37,660 --> 00:17:39,427
and a seat in every shower.
466
00:17:39,429 --> 00:17:41,864
All my life, I have been washing my body
467
00:17:41,931 --> 00:17:43,365
standing up like a yutz.
468
00:17:44,633 --> 00:17:46,902
He's only been here for two hours.
469
00:17:46,970 --> 00:17:50,639
Well, the kid knows a
good thing when he sees it.
470
00:17:50,707 --> 00:17:51,774
(Snaps fingers)
471
00:17:51,841 --> 00:17:53,676
(Modern English's "I Melt With You" plays)
472
00:17:53,743 --> 00:17:56,243
Wow. An obstructed bowel.
473
00:17:56,245 --> 00:17:57,945
Didn't see that coming.
474
00:17:57,947 --> 00:17:59,848
Who knew eating 12 full-sized Taffy bars
475
00:17:59,916 --> 00:18:02,184
and drinking all that pink
goop would block me up.
476
00:18:02,251 --> 00:18:03,719
Most people.
477
00:18:03,786 --> 00:18:07,255
So, after all of that,
you saved my life for real.
478
00:18:07,323 --> 00:18:08,223
I did, didn't I?
479
00:18:08,291 --> 00:18:09,625
Stupid Bushido code.
480
00:18:09,692 --> 00:18:11,026
Now I'm forever in your debt.
481
00:18:11,094 --> 00:18:14,889
Actually, I thought today I'd
be the one to do you a favor.
482
00:18:14,891 --> 00:18:17,897
In the end, for Erica, it
wasn't about the Bushido code.
483
00:18:17,899 --> 00:18:20,755
It was about being a good big sister.
484
00:18:20,757 --> 00:18:24,060
I'll stop the world
and melt with you
485
00:18:26,341 --> 00:18:28,609
you've seen the difference
486
00:18:28,677 --> 00:18:30,678
-
and it's getting better
- Hey.
487
00:18:30,746 --> 00:18:32,213
-
All the time
- Hi.
488
00:18:32,281 --> 00:18:33,881
I've got to make a phone call.
489
00:18:33,949 --> 00:18:37,885
Dream of better lives,
the kind which never hate
490
00:18:38,019 --> 00:18:39,653
So, how's your butt?
491
00:18:39,655 --> 00:18:40,855
Horrible.
492
00:18:40,923 --> 00:18:42,323
But it's not even the
worst part of my week.
493
00:18:42,391 --> 00:18:44,025
Yeah. About that love rap...
494
00:18:44,092 --> 00:18:46,160
Let's just forget it ever happened.
495
00:18:46,228 --> 00:18:48,296
Know what? No.
496
00:18:48,363 --> 00:18:50,932
I said it, and I stand by it.
497
00:18:50,999 --> 00:18:55,303
Oh. Well, your persistence
is misguided and annoying,
498
00:18:55,370 --> 00:18:57,038
but kind of cute.
499
00:18:57,105 --> 00:18:59,273
I'll stop the world
500
00:18:59,341 --> 00:19:01,741
So, I heard this place
has really good pizza.
501
00:19:01,743 --> 00:19:02,843
You want to grab a slice?
502
00:19:02,911 --> 00:19:04,845
I can't eat for another 24 hours...
503
00:19:04,913 --> 00:19:07,514
-
You've seen the difference
- But I can sit with you.
504
00:19:07,582 --> 00:19:09,917
And it's getting
better all the time
505
00:19:09,984 --> 00:19:13,053
Hey. Kind of early for bedtime.
506
00:19:13,121 --> 00:19:16,156
Well, eating dinner at
4:30 kind of threw me off.
507
00:19:16,289 --> 00:19:19,358
Oh. Um, you want some tucks?
508
00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:20,460
I'm too old for tucks.
509
00:19:21,664 --> 00:19:23,130
Listen.
510
00:19:24,057 --> 00:19:25,757
I'm sorry I freaked you out.
511
00:19:25,866 --> 00:19:28,067
It's not your job to take care of me.
512
00:19:28,135 --> 00:19:29,669
It's my job to take care of you.
513
00:19:29,736 --> 00:19:32,472
But what's gonna happen when I grow up?
514
00:19:32,539 --> 00:19:35,041
Well, we have a long time
to figure that out, shmoopie.
515
00:19:35,109 --> 00:19:36,709
A long time.
516
00:19:36,777 --> 00:19:39,312
Sure you don't want a tuck?
517
00:19:39,379 --> 00:19:41,447
Maybe a little one.
518
00:19:41,515 --> 00:19:44,817
There's nothing you and I won't do
519
00:19:47,521 --> 00:19:48,921
-
I'll stop the world...
- Hey, mom?
520
00:19:48,989 --> 00:19:51,557
I'm sure when the time comes,
521
00:19:51,625 --> 00:19:53,493
I'll find some space for you in my house.
522
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:54,527
Really?
523
00:19:54,595 --> 00:19:56,496
Yeah. I'll always make room for you.
524
00:19:56,563 --> 00:19:58,030
(Sighs)
525
00:19:58,098 --> 00:19:59,966
Sure, we had our differences,
but my mom was right.
526
00:20:00,033 --> 00:20:02,935
Family takes care of family,
and that's no urban legend.
527
00:20:03,003 --> 00:20:03,936
Got to admit,
528
00:20:04,004 --> 00:20:06,139
this is my first date in a hospital.
529
00:20:06,206 --> 00:20:07,940
Wait. This is a date?
530
00:20:08,008 --> 00:20:09,842
Well, pity date.
531
00:20:09,910 --> 00:20:11,177
I'll take it.
532
00:20:11,245 --> 00:20:13,346
And without family, Barry's worst day
533
00:20:13,413 --> 00:20:15,715
wouldn't have become his best day.
534
00:20:15,782 --> 00:20:17,917
(Door opens) Beverly: There you are!
535
00:20:17,985 --> 00:20:19,051
And then his worst day.
536
00:20:19,119 --> 00:20:20,353
My delicious little baby,
537
00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:22,788
I am so sorry I wasn't
home when they called.
538
00:20:22,856 --> 00:20:24,290
Mom, please!
539
00:20:24,358 --> 00:20:26,392
Your poor, clogged bottom.
540
00:20:26,460 --> 00:20:28,861
Nurse! Nurse!
541
00:20:28,979 --> 00:20:31,547
_
542
00:20:31,598 --> 00:20:33,432
Man: Say something for the camera.
543
00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:36,649
I love him. I love him. Mwah!
544
00:20:41,950 --> 00:20:43,751
(Coughs)
545
00:20:44,375 --> 00:20:46,954
Don't worry. Mama's got this.
546
00:20:47,022 --> 00:20:48,089
Arms up. Arms up.
547
00:20:48,156 --> 00:20:49,223
(Coughs)
548
00:20:49,225 --> 00:20:52,160
Dude! You just, like, saved my life!
549
00:20:52,162 --> 00:20:53,027
Thank you.
550
00:20:53,028 --> 00:20:55,985
You don't have to thank me. It's my job!
551
00:20:56,751 --> 00:21:01,094
But according to Bushido code,
you will have to re-pay me.
552
00:21:01,095 --> 00:21:03,172
You know about Bushido code?
553
00:21:03,173 --> 00:21:06,743
Oh, I watched Shogun.
That Richard Chamberlain...
554
00:21:06,744 --> 00:21:08,744
- Meow.
- Fine.
555
00:21:08,745 --> 00:21:10,745
- What you want?
- I want snuggies.
556
00:21:10,746 --> 00:21:12,746
- Oh, come on!
- I want huggies,
557
00:21:12,748 --> 00:21:14,266
and cuddlies and smoochies.
558
00:21:14,267 --> 00:21:15,532
- No!
- I wanna.
559
00:21:15,533 --> 00:21:16,969
- No!
- I wanna.
560
00:21:16,971 --> 00:21:20,508
I chose the warrior death instead.
Put the taco back in my mouth!
561
00:21:20,517 --> 00:21:23,235
Bushido code! You have no honor.
562
00:21:25,014 --> 00:21:29,640
sync and correction by solfieri
www.addic7ed.com
563
00:21:29,690 --> 00:21:34,240
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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