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The school play ...
2
00:00:01,208 --> 00:00:04,125
That time-honored tradition
where a young, budding performer
3
00:00:04,167 --> 00:00:06,833
can walk the boards and feel
the hot spotlight on their face.
4
00:00:06,875 --> 00:00:09,125
Sure, the sets were flimsy
and the costumes cheap,
5
00:00:09,167 --> 00:00:11,833
but to us, it might as well
have been Broadway.
6
00:00:11,917 --> 00:00:14,667
And I wanted nothing more
than to be a part of it.
7
00:00:14,750 --> 00:00:17,500
"Jesus Christ Superstar"!
8
00:00:17,583 --> 00:00:20,750
The school is literally
doing my favorite musical!
9
00:00:20,792 --> 00:00:22,000
It's fate!
10
00:00:22,083 --> 00:00:24,333
You're gonna become a
musical-theater actor!
11
00:00:24,417 --> 00:00:26,917
That's every mother's dream for her son!
12
00:00:26,958 --> 00:00:29,000
This is perfect.
I know every part.
13
00:00:29,083 --> 00:00:31,750
The question is,
which one do I audition for?
14
00:00:31,792 --> 00:00:34,083
There is only one role suitable
15
00:00:34,125 --> 00:00:36,792
for my talented, delicious little boy.
16
00:00:36,833 --> 00:00:40,833
- My baby... is Jesus.
- Yeah, that's a pretty demanding part.
17
00:00:42,542 --> 00:00:44,708
Maybe Adam would be more comfortable
playing something like ...
18
00:00:44,750 --> 00:00:46,875
- Get! Get out of here!
- Hey!
19
00:00:46,917 --> 00:00:50,125
Filling his head with
doubt and stupid ideas!
20
00:00:50,208 --> 00:00:54,208
I don't know, mom.
I-It really is a tough part,
21
00:00:54,417 --> 00:00:56,208
and I'm always in the chorus ...
22
00:00:56,250 --> 00:00:59,708
Boopie, I've heard you
sing in the shower, mm-kay?
23
00:00:59,792 --> 00:01:01,958
Not just "heard" ... listened.
24
00:01:02,042 --> 00:01:04,208
Not just "listened" ... taped.
25
00:01:04,250 --> 00:01:06,208
And sent to "Star search."
26
00:01:06,250 --> 00:01:08,500
I got to call them back. I
haven't heard from Ed McMahon.
27
00:01:08,542 --> 00:01:10,125
I'll just drop him a
line, see what's up.
28
00:01:10,208 --> 00:01:12,583
My baby is a star!
29
00:01:12,667 --> 00:01:14,875
Who was I to argue
with Beverly Goldberg?
30
00:01:14,917 --> 00:01:17,542
I took her advice and
auditioned for the Big "J."
31
00:01:18,667 --> 00:01:22,167
- # Try not to get worried #
- # Try not to turn on to... #
32
00:01:22,250 --> 00:01:26,250
- # ...problems that upset you #
- # Oh, don't you know... #
33
00:01:26,542 --> 00:01:29,958
- # ...everything's all right #
- # Yes, everything's fine #
34
00:01:30,042 --> 00:01:32,250
♪ We want you to
sleep well tonight ♪
35
00:01:33,958 --> 00:01:35,250
Can I start over, please?
36
00:01:35,292 --> 00:01:39,042
- # And if you try, we'll get... #
- # ...by so forget all about us... #
37
00:01:39,125 --> 00:01:41,917
- # ...tonight #
- # Yes, everything's all right #
38
00:01:41,958 --> 00:01:44,458
♪ Yes, everything's
all right, yes! ♪
39
00:01:44,542 --> 00:01:48,167
Well done, Mr. Goldberg.
You've really improved since last year.
40
00:01:52,717 --> 00:01:55,383
Oh, god. The cast list is up.
41
00:01:55,425 --> 00:01:58,925
- Relax. You always get the lead.
- Man, how are you so calm?
42
00:01:59,008 --> 00:02:01,375
Eh, Miss Cinoman kind of
implied that I blew her mind...
43
00:02:01,376 --> 00:02:03,523
whatever. All I know
is, there's a good chance
44
00:02:03,524 --> 00:02:05,342
that I'm gonna be the
Jesus to your Mary.
45
00:02:06,508 --> 00:02:10,133
It was that classic moment
we've all been through,
46
00:02:10,175 --> 00:02:11,675
whether it was for sports or theater.
47
00:02:11,758 --> 00:02:15,758
We've all stood in front of a list
to find out, "did I make the cut?"
48
00:02:16,375 --> 00:02:18,375
You were right!
I'm Mary Magdalene!
49
00:02:18,458 --> 00:02:22,425
I was praying my name would be
somewhere at the top of the list.
50
00:02:22,508 --> 00:02:25,967
Oh, god, no! Not the
dreaded second page!
51
00:02:26,008 --> 00:02:29,024
Yes, I'm Jesus!
Son of god, baby!
52
00:02:29,163 --> 00:02:31,955
Oh... that's great.
Um, who did you get, Adam?
53
00:02:33,005 --> 00:02:36,672
Uh, I-I'll be right back.
Miss Cinoman!
54
00:02:38,005 --> 00:02:40,297
I-I think there's been
some kind of mistake
55
00:02:40,338 --> 00:02:42,588
because I'm pretty
familiar with the musical,
56
00:02:42,672 --> 00:02:44,422
and there is no Todd the apostle.
57
00:02:44,463 --> 00:02:46,547
Oh, there's no
Darnell the apostle, either.
58
00:02:46,588 --> 00:02:48,338
But there was such a large turnout,
59
00:02:48,380 --> 00:02:50,422
I took the liberty
of expanding Jesus' followers
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00:02:50,505 --> 00:02:51,922
- from 12 to 30.
- 30?
61
00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:54,547
You can't fit that many
people at the last supper.
62
00:02:54,630 --> 00:02:56,297
Oh, yeah, there's gonna
be another, smaller table
63
00:02:56,380 --> 00:02:57,630
off to the side.
64
00:02:57,713 --> 00:03:00,130
I'm at the kids' table
at the last supper?!
65
00:03:00,213 --> 00:03:03,088
I'm sorry. There was a lot
of competition this year.
66
00:03:03,172 --> 00:03:07,130
Remember ... there are no
small parts, only small actors.
67
00:03:07,213 --> 00:03:10,422
But there are small parts!
Very small! Like Todd!
68
00:03:10,505 --> 00:03:14,005
Do not let your heart be
troubled, my child. Trust... in me.
69
00:03:15,380 --> 00:03:17,797
This putz?
You made this putz Jesus?
70
00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:19,222
Unreal!
71
00:03:19,305 --> 00:03:22,555
Yep, I was once again
shoved into the background.
72
00:03:22,638 --> 00:03:25,055
It was the biggest
heartbreak of my young life.
73
00:03:25,138 --> 00:03:27,513
♪ Everything's all right,
yes, everything's fine ♪
74
00:03:27,597 --> 00:03:28,805
Boopie?
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00:03:28,888 --> 00:03:30,847
I've been calling.
Meatloaf's ready.
76
00:03:31,697 --> 00:03:34,363
- Are you crying?
- No.
77
00:03:34,447 --> 00:03:37,363
Who hurt you? Tell me
and I will hurt them tenfold.
78
00:03:38,738 --> 00:03:41,822
I didn't get Jesus!
I'm a random apostle,
79
00:03:41,863 --> 00:03:44,530
and I'm so sad
'cause I'm not good enough!
80
00:03:45,613 --> 00:03:47,197
I'm gonna ask you a question
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00:03:47,238 --> 00:03:49,405
that you need to answer
with complete honesty.
82
00:03:50,780 --> 00:03:53,238
Is there a world in which
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00:03:53,322 --> 00:03:57,322
you are not the most
deserving child for this role?
84
00:03:57,738 --> 00:04:01,738
- There is no such world.
- Honey, I can get involved.
85
00:04:02,363 --> 00:04:06,363
I want to get involved.
86
00:04:06,738 --> 00:04:08,905
But I need to know that's what you want.
87
00:04:08,947 --> 00:04:10,863
Usually, when my
mother wanted to mix in,
88
00:04:10,947 --> 00:04:12,447
I'd push her away as far as possible.
89
00:04:12,530 --> 00:04:14,738
This was not one of those times.
90
00:04:14,780 --> 00:04:16,863
Do it, mama. Make me Jesus.
91
00:04:18,280 --> 00:04:20,113
♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪
92
00:04:20,197 --> 00:04:23,572
♪ but nonetheless I
feel the need to say ♪
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00:04:23,573 --> 00:04:26,573
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
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00:04:25,684 --> 00:04:27,863
♪ I don't know the future ♪
95
00:04:27,947 --> 00:04:30,288
♪ but the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪
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00:04:30,372 --> 00:04:33,455
It was December 8th, 1980-something,
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00:04:33,538 --> 00:04:35,497
and my dad was driving
home from work
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00:04:35,580 --> 00:04:36,955
and battling his mortal enemy...
99
00:04:37,038 --> 00:04:38,913
- Green light, people!
- ...traffic.
100
00:04:38,997 --> 00:04:41,122
Green light!
Why aren't you moving?
101
00:04:41,205 --> 00:04:42,413
Son of a ...
102
00:04:42,455 --> 00:04:43,997
You're letting him in?!
103
00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:46,955
He's part of a funeral!
That could be a hundred cars!
104
00:04:47,038 --> 00:04:50,747
What kind of crossing guard
crosses one kid at a time?!
105
00:04:50,830 --> 00:04:53,372
You got to group 'em and herd 'em!
106
00:04:53,455 --> 00:04:56,497
Traffic even came before his
favorite thing in the world ...
107
00:04:56,538 --> 00:04:57,872
- hockey.
- ...Ho ho ho ho!
108
00:04:57,955 --> 00:05:00,663
Best game I've ever been to.
Best game ... hands down.
109
00:05:00,747 --> 00:05:03,830
Let's go, Flyers, let's go!
110
00:05:03,872 --> 00:05:06,913
Let's go, Flyers, let's go!
111
00:05:06,997 --> 00:05:10,413
- Let's go, Flyers... Let's go.
- What? There's 10 minutes left!
112
00:05:10,497 --> 00:05:12,080
- It's a tie game. We got to stay!
- Unh-unh.
113
00:05:12,163 --> 00:05:13,845
When the game ends, we'll be stuck in
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00:05:13,846 --> 00:05:15,663
the parking lot for six hours!
Let's go!
115
00:05:15,747 --> 00:05:17,913
That's right. No one in
our family had ever seen
116
00:05:17,997 --> 00:05:20,830
- the end of a game, concert, or show...
- Will you just move your leg?!
117
00:05:20,872 --> 00:05:22,497
...not when my father
had traffic to beat.
118
00:05:22,580 --> 00:05:26,580
29 minutes, door-to-door!
A brand-new record!
119
00:05:26,913 --> 00:05:28,955
My god, am I jealous of you two!
120
00:05:29,038 --> 00:05:33,038
Ron Hextall scores the final goal!
Who would've figured that?
121
00:05:33,538 --> 00:05:36,247
Hextall? No, he's the goalie.
122
00:05:36,330 --> 00:05:39,205
- Goalies can't score.
- That's what I thought!
123
00:05:39,247 --> 00:05:43,247
The first time in NHL history,
and you guys were there!
124
00:05:43,455 --> 00:05:46,413
He's wrong.
Goalies can't score.
125
00:05:46,497 --> 00:05:49,288
And that's the replay of the
greatest goal in hockey history.
126
00:05:49,372 --> 00:05:50,872
It's one of those moments
that makes you feel
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00:05:50,913 --> 00:05:52,497
- lucky to be alive.
- Huh. Goalies can score.
128
00:05:53,830 --> 00:05:55,122
You!
129
00:05:55,205 --> 00:05:56,872
Really? You're gonna
make a thing out of this?
130
00:05:56,913 --> 00:05:59,122
You made me miss
the greatest moment of my life!
131
00:05:59,205 --> 00:06:02,872
And for what? Traffic?!
It isn't that bad!
132
00:06:02,955 --> 00:06:06,038
Stop right there!
You should be thanking me.
133
00:06:06,122 --> 00:06:07,663
Thanking you? For what?
134
00:06:07,747 --> 00:06:09,872
You don't know the
traffic that I've seen!
135
00:06:09,955 --> 00:06:13,538
Miles of cars lined up
for hours, horns blaring!
136
00:06:13,622 --> 00:06:17,205
- I know what traffic is!
- Grown men with their shirts off
137
00:06:17,288 --> 00:06:19,830
walking around 'cause it's so damn hot!
138
00:06:19,913 --> 00:06:22,663
An A.C.'s not meant
to run that long. It's not!
139
00:06:22,747 --> 00:06:25,455
It's hockey season!
It's cold outside!
140
00:06:25,497 --> 00:06:27,038
- No one gets shirtless!
- You want to know something?
141
00:06:27,122 --> 00:06:31,122
If I could, I'd go back in
time and do it all over again.
142
00:06:31,455 --> 00:06:33,788
As a matter of fact, I'd leave earlier!
143
00:06:33,872 --> 00:06:35,663
That's what you'd do
with a time machine?
144
00:06:35,747 --> 00:06:37,830
You'd go back and miss traffic?
145
00:06:37,913 --> 00:06:41,080
You wouldn't help people?!
Save President Lincoln?!
146
00:06:41,122 --> 00:06:43,705
Oh, I'd help Abe!
I'd go to the theater,
147
00:06:43,788 --> 00:06:45,830
I'd say, "hey, man, you
ought to leave early tonight.
148
00:06:45,913 --> 00:06:48,038
Traffic's horrible! Trust me!"
149
00:06:48,122 --> 00:06:49,913
Boom! Just saved his life!
150
00:06:50,872 --> 00:06:52,872
While my dad was sticking to his guns,
151
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:55,497
my mom was in the principal's
office with hers blazing.
152
00:06:55,538 --> 00:06:57,205
She stormed into my drama class,
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00:06:57,288 --> 00:06:59,038
ranting at me like a crazy person.
154
00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:03,080
We had to do a 45-minute massage
train just to calm me down.
155
00:07:03,205 --> 00:07:05,372
Well, that's on you ... I mean,
you wouldn't know a good Jesus
156
00:07:05,455 --> 00:07:07,038
if he walked right in here
and punched you in the face.
157
00:07:07,122 --> 00:07:11,122
Okay. I'm glad to
see that we're all calm now.
158
00:07:12,872 --> 00:07:16,555
Some... ugly things were said.
And done.
159
00:07:16,788 --> 00:07:19,913
- Mostly by Mrs. Goldberg.
- Look, I am sorry.
160
00:07:19,955 --> 00:07:23,455
Adam is very enthusiastic,
and he works so hard.
161
00:07:23,497 --> 00:07:27,122
He's just not as skilled
as like, say, Dave Kim.
162
00:07:27,163 --> 00:07:29,497
If I may,
I just have one question.
163
00:07:29,580 --> 00:07:31,163
Are you [bleep] kidding me?
164
00:07:31,205 --> 00:07:32,034
- Whoa, whoa!
- Hey!
165
00:07:32,197 --> 00:07:33,755
- Mrs. Goldberg.
- Out of line!
166
00:07:33,830 --> 00:07:36,705
Mrs. Goldberg, this is a school.
We can't speak like that.
167
00:07:36,747 --> 00:07:38,105
Well, hear this.
168
00:07:38,147 --> 00:07:42,147
My son will be starring
in his own school musical.
169
00:07:42,338 --> 00:07:45,172
His what?
What does that even mean?
170
00:07:45,213 --> 00:07:48,047
"What does that even mean?"
That's how you sound.
171
00:07:48,130 --> 00:07:51,047
It means Adam will be
putting on a rival play.
172
00:07:51,130 --> 00:07:53,505
Yeah, well ... well, here's the thing.
173
00:07:53,588 --> 00:07:57,588
This is junior-high theater,
and we have a budget for one play,
174
00:07:57,713 --> 00:07:59,838
and even that's a
struggle to fill seats.
175
00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:02,588
Tell me something, Earl.
Uh, how's your wife?
176
00:08:04,422 --> 00:08:08,422
- She's fine.
- Lovely woman. Pam, is it?
177
00:08:08,755 --> 00:08:11,088
Remind me again
how you two got together.
178
00:08:11,172 --> 00:08:13,213
Well, you knew her
from jazzercize class.
179
00:08:13,255 --> 00:08:17,255
- You... introduced us.
- Did I, now? Ohh.
180
00:08:17,672 --> 00:08:20,263
- And how was the wedding?
- You were at the wedding.
181
00:08:20,305 --> 00:08:23,038
You made a speech,
even though nobody asked you to.
182
00:08:23,122 --> 00:08:24,455
Well, from what I remember,
183
00:08:24,538 --> 00:08:27,080
that was the night you said,
"how can I ever repay you?"
184
00:08:27,163 --> 00:08:30,330
And I said, "one day,
I will come to you,
185
00:08:30,372 --> 00:08:32,413
and I will ask you for a favor."
186
00:08:32,497 --> 00:08:36,497
And you said, "but of course,
Beverly. But of course."
187
00:08:38,418 --> 00:08:40,085
That day is today.
188
00:08:41,585 --> 00:08:45,585
- What's going on?
- Adam is starring in a rival play.
189
00:08:49,268 --> 00:08:51,560
- I'm home!
- Come on, Murray!
190
00:08:51,643 --> 00:08:54,268
A very special "love boat" is almost on!
191
00:08:54,310 --> 00:08:58,102
They're docking at "fantasy island"!
They're crossing over!
192
00:08:58,185 --> 00:09:00,352
Oh, my god! That's unprecedented!
193
00:09:00,435 --> 00:09:03,602
All right.
Gimme the remote.
194
00:09:03,643 --> 00:09:05,060
What?
I thought you had it.
195
00:09:05,102 --> 00:09:06,893
I just came in the door!
Why would I have a remote?
196
00:09:06,935 --> 00:09:08,768
I-I don't know.
I figured you took it to work.
197
00:09:08,852 --> 00:09:10,435
Why would I take the remote to work?
198
00:09:10,518 --> 00:09:12,643
Who the hell knows? You're a quirky guy.
199
00:09:12,727 --> 00:09:15,227
Fine. I'll use my hand like an animal.
200
00:09:16,468 --> 00:09:19,302
- Where's the knob?!
- Do you mean this knob?
201
00:09:19,343 --> 00:09:23,052
I'm so sorry. Are you
missing something historical?
202
00:09:23,135 --> 00:09:26,085
Perhaps a crossover event of your
two favorite shows that you'll
203
00:09:26,086 --> 00:09:28,718
never see, and it will haunt
you for the rest of your life?
204
00:09:28,802 --> 00:09:29,635
Gimme the knob.
205
00:09:29,718 --> 00:09:30,802
- No.
- Gimme the knob!
206
00:09:30,885 --> 00:09:32,468
- No. No.
- Gimme the knob!
207
00:09:32,552 --> 00:09:33,468
- No. No.
- Gimme the knob! Gimme the knob!
208
00:09:33,552 --> 00:09:36,260
No. No. No.
You took something I love.
209
00:09:36,343 --> 00:09:38,510
Now I'm taking something you love.
210
00:09:38,552 --> 00:09:41,218
Well, what about me?
I'm just an innocent bystander!
211
00:09:41,302 --> 00:09:43,468
Sorry, pops.
Wrong place, wrong time.
212
00:09:43,552 --> 00:09:48,218
But I got to see this show.
Tattoo and Gopher in the same room ...
213
00:09:48,260 --> 00:09:49,927
How's that gonna end?
214
00:09:50,010 --> 00:09:53,052
You are grounded, moron.
Six months!
215
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:55,510
Fine! I'm never going to a
hockey game with you again.
216
00:09:55,552 --> 00:09:58,343
But you ... you can't do that.
Hockey's our thing.
217
00:09:58,385 --> 00:09:59,385
Not anymore.
218
00:09:59,468 --> 00:10:00,927
- Gimme the knob.
- No.
219
00:10:01,010 --> 00:10:02,260
- Gimme the knob. Gimme the knob.
- No. No. No.
220
00:10:02,343 --> 00:10:03,718
- Gimme the knob!
- Fine!
221
00:10:05,052 --> 00:10:06,885
So, my dad finally got the remote,
222
00:10:06,968 --> 00:10:09,427
but he lost his favorite
thing to do with his son.
223
00:10:09,510 --> 00:10:10,510
Forever.
224
00:10:11,277 --> 00:10:13,968
I can't believe I'm doing a rival play!
225
00:10:14,010 --> 00:10:15,343
Now the question is, what's our show?
226
00:10:15,427 --> 00:10:17,010
I-It's got to be big ...
bigger than Jesus.
227
00:10:17,093 --> 00:10:18,510
- "Music man"?
- Yawn.
228
00:10:18,593 --> 00:10:20,260
- "Guys and dolls"?
- Seen it.
229
00:10:20,343 --> 00:10:22,010
- "Phantom"?
- You want to cover half of this face?
230
00:10:22,093 --> 00:10:23,177
- Wait!
- What?
231
00:10:23,260 --> 00:10:27,177
It's so obvious.
Who wants to waste their evening
232
00:10:27,218 --> 00:10:29,677
sitting through a silly
musical about bible times
233
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:32,385
- when they can go to the future?
- The future.
234
00:10:32,468 --> 00:10:36,093
Our musical is going to be
an experience of sight and sound
235
00:10:36,135 --> 00:10:40,677
with actors not in common shoes,
but roller skates,
236
00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:44,927
a story not about people ...
something bigger.
237
00:10:44,968 --> 00:10:46,810
- Trains.
- Trains.
238
00:10:46,885 --> 00:10:48,302
"Starlight express"!
239
00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:52,510
- L-look at my arm!
- Ooooh.
240
00:10:52,593 --> 00:10:53,968
- Goosebumps.
- Oooooh!
241
00:10:55,218 --> 00:10:57,760
All right! Well, all we need is a cast.
242
00:10:57,802 --> 00:11:00,968
Actually, I know a mighty
talented girl named Dana
243
00:11:01,052 --> 00:11:03,510
who'd follow me to
the ends of the Earth.
244
00:11:03,543 --> 00:11:06,677
- Uh, no.
- We need to keep looking.
245
00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:09,890
Well, we don't have a lot
of options when it comes to
246
00:11:09,891 --> 00:11:13,135
leading ladies. I suppose I
could maybe be the one to ...
247
00:11:13,218 --> 00:11:16,052
- You cannot.
- This is a show for children.
248
00:11:16,093 --> 00:11:20,510
Got it.
Well, if it can't be me...
249
00:11:20,593 --> 00:11:23,260
and I think we've... ruled that out.
250
00:11:23,302 --> 00:11:25,552
- We have.
- Right.
251
00:11:25,593 --> 00:11:27,768
How about
the closest thing to me?
252
00:11:29,098 --> 00:11:32,265
Hello, daughter. Have a seat.
253
00:11:32,307 --> 00:11:35,348
I just happened to be
digging around in your closet,
254
00:11:35,432 --> 00:11:39,473
and guess what I found.
Three beers, a fake I.D.,
255
00:11:39,557 --> 00:11:42,932
and sick notes for school
that I don't remember writing.
256
00:11:42,973 --> 00:11:45,057
There is a simple
explanation for all of that.
257
00:11:46,432 --> 00:11:48,598
I just need half an hour
to collect my thoughts.
258
00:11:48,682 --> 00:11:51,848
Perhaps there's a world
where I could overlook all this.
259
00:11:51,890 --> 00:11:54,882
- Really?
- I can give you a pass this time.
260
00:11:54,965 --> 00:11:56,382
Just know that one day,
261
00:11:56,423 --> 00:11:58,715
I will come to you and
ask you for a favor.
262
00:11:58,798 --> 00:12:02,707
- Yeah, great. That's totally fair.
- And that day is right now.
263
00:12:02,768 --> 00:12:05,102
While my mom was forcing
Erica to do the musical,
264
00:12:05,185 --> 00:12:08,893
my dad had forced
pops to replace Barry.
265
00:12:08,935 --> 00:12:11,143
You're crowding me.
Come on, man.
266
00:12:11,227 --> 00:12:13,935
Your ... your jacket's
puffing into my side.
267
00:12:13,977 --> 00:12:16,352
So what?
It's cold as hell in here.
268
00:12:16,435 --> 00:12:19,477
You think you can get
them to turn the heat on?
269
00:12:19,560 --> 00:12:22,685
No! There's a huge
block of ice out there!
270
00:12:22,768 --> 00:12:26,935
Ugh! What's that terrible smell?
W-what are you eating?
271
00:12:27,018 --> 00:12:29,477
I made myself a
whitefish-salad sandwich.
272
00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:30,768
Well, it's wafting!
273
00:12:30,810 --> 00:12:33,435
Barry and I get hot dogs
because they don't waft!
274
00:12:33,518 --> 00:12:36,560
You know, I don't think
this is about the whitefish
275
00:12:36,595 --> 00:12:40,352
or this giant thermos of
borscht I'm about to open.
276
00:12:40,435 --> 00:12:44,910
I think this... is about Barry.
- Oh, please. It is not.
277
00:12:44,993 --> 00:12:46,952
It's obvious ...
you want to be here with him.
278
00:12:46,993 --> 00:12:50,917
Well, I-I do miss the moron a little.
279
00:12:51,068 --> 00:12:52,735
Hockey was our thing.
280
00:12:52,818 --> 00:12:56,818
Then just sit in traffic
already. It's that simple.
281
00:12:57,027 --> 00:12:59,193
Traffic is non-negotiable.
282
00:12:59,277 --> 00:13:02,318
Murray, sometimes you
have to do things you hate
283
00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:05,402
- for the people that you love.
- Eh.
284
00:13:05,485 --> 00:13:06,943
Like how I'm here with you now.
285
00:13:09,643 --> 00:13:11,423
As much as my dad hated the sweet
286
00:13:11,424 --> 00:13:13,352
- stink of borscht...
- Oh! Oh, that smell.
287
00:13:13,393 --> 00:13:15,393
...he was still too stubborn to give in.
288
00:13:16,952 --> 00:13:20,493
Welcome to the first rehearsal
of the disco-pop masterpiece
289
00:13:20,577 --> 00:13:21,910
"Starlight express."
290
00:13:21,952 --> 00:13:24,618
As you know, I'm Adam Goldberg,
291
00:13:24,660 --> 00:13:26,952
your director and leading man.
292
00:13:27,035 --> 00:13:31,035
And now please welcome my
choreographer/assistant/mom,
293
00:13:31,368 --> 00:13:33,660
Beverly Goldberg.
294
00:13:33,743 --> 00:13:34,543
Hmm.
295
00:13:36,368 --> 00:13:38,660
Now, I need you all to
pay real close attention,
296
00:13:38,743 --> 00:13:40,743
'cause I only want
to do this once, okay?
297
00:13:40,785 --> 00:13:42,285
It's like I want to scream and run,
298
00:13:42,327 --> 00:13:44,785
but i also want to
see what happens next.
299
00:13:44,827 --> 00:13:46,202
Five, six, seven, eight!
300
00:13:46,285 --> 00:13:47,868
"Starlight express"!
301
00:13:47,952 --> 00:13:49,618
"Starlight express"!
302
00:13:49,702 --> 00:13:52,327
The name of the show
is "Starlight express."
303
00:13:52,390 --> 00:13:54,232
Smoking car. Smoking car.
304
00:13:54,315 --> 00:13:56,232
Dining car! Dining car!
305
00:13:56,315 --> 00:13:58,482
Sleeping car. Sleeping car.
306
00:13:58,523 --> 00:14:00,440
I think I can! I think
I can! I think I can!
307
00:14:00,482 --> 00:14:03,482
Smile!
Chug-a-chug-a-chug-a-chug-a...
308
00:14:03,523 --> 00:14:06,296
There's a hobo on the train.
309
00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:11,448
What fun. Thank you.
310
00:14:11,532 --> 00:14:13,865
All right. Everybody got it?
311
00:14:13,948 --> 00:14:16,907
Let's see it!
Five, six, seven, eight!
312
00:14:16,948 --> 00:14:20,948
"Starlight express"!
"Starlight express"!
313
00:14:21,015 --> 00:14:22,807
Ah, I like how some of
you are going forwards
314
00:14:22,848 --> 00:14:24,807
and some of you are going sideways.
315
00:14:24,848 --> 00:14:28,682
Train hands.
"Starlight express"!
316
00:14:29,807 --> 00:14:32,307
"Starlight express."
317
00:14:32,348 --> 00:14:36,207
Wow. You seriously
think this is worth it?
318
00:14:37,557 --> 00:14:39,473
Thank you for this wonderful gift, mama.
319
00:14:39,557 --> 00:14:43,515
Sure, it was a train wreck,
but she had my undying love.
320
00:14:43,598 --> 00:14:45,432
It's totally worth it.
321
00:14:48,607 --> 00:14:51,407
The opening night of "Starlight express"
322
00:14:51,490 --> 00:14:53,240
was quickly approaching,
and I was melting down
323
00:14:53,323 --> 00:14:54,907
'cause our show was going off the rails.
324
00:14:54,990 --> 00:14:57,532
Three, four, five, six, seven, eight!
325
00:14:57,657 --> 00:15:00,490
Join on! Get there! Get there!
326
00:15:00,573 --> 00:15:01,698
What?
327
00:15:06,323 --> 00:15:07,865
Are you kidding me right now?
328
00:15:07,948 --> 00:15:10,948
You're going too fast,
and I couldn't hook in.
329
00:15:10,990 --> 00:15:14,698
- And I'm fine. Thanks.
- Uh, I-I think we need to take five.
330
00:15:14,782 --> 00:15:19,032
Do you think "Superstar" is
taking five? No! They sold out!
331
00:15:19,115 --> 00:15:20,657
And how many tickets
have we sold, Tyler?
332
00:15:20,740 --> 00:15:24,782
- Seven.
- Seven tickets! And do you know why?
333
00:15:24,823 --> 00:15:28,240
It's because some of you,
who shall remain nameless,
334
00:15:28,323 --> 00:15:30,323
have no talent.
335
00:15:30,407 --> 00:15:32,573
Sanjeev, Darlene, Ethel,
skinny David, other David.
336
00:15:32,657 --> 00:15:33,740
You know what, Adam?
337
00:15:33,823 --> 00:15:36,240
I'm not taking five. I'm quitting.
338
00:15:36,282 --> 00:15:40,282
Fine! Quit! We don't need you!
339
00:15:40,573 --> 00:15:43,073
[Aw, wait!
She's the Caboose! Mom, stop her!
340
00:15:44,282 --> 00:15:48,240
- Hey. 'Sup?
- I haven't seen you in a while.
341
00:15:48,282 --> 00:15:50,365
I know you've been super
busy, but I miss you.
342
00:15:50,407 --> 00:15:52,073
Maybe later we could grab a bite?
343
00:15:52,857 --> 00:15:54,398
- Who sent you?
- What?
344
00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:55,732
Was it Miss Cinoman?
345
00:15:55,773 --> 00:15:57,565
'Cause this has her
Cinoman-y stink all over it.
346
00:15:57,607 --> 00:15:59,315
I'm not spying on you, Adam.
347
00:15:59,398 --> 00:16:01,107
That's exactly what a spy would say.
348
00:16:01,190 --> 00:16:03,357
Oh, whatever. I'm gonna go.
349
00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:06,107
Honey, you need to go apologize.
350
00:16:06,148 --> 00:16:09,678
I have to apologize?
Have you seen your choreography?
351
00:16:10,065 --> 00:16:12,440
- Back to one, people!
- In that moment,
352
00:16:12,523 --> 00:16:15,273
my mom realized she didn't
make her little boy a star.
353
00:16:15,315 --> 00:16:17,573
She made him a monster.
354
00:16:17,657 --> 00:16:20,015
Meanwhile, my dad was still
being monstrously stubborn.
355
00:16:20,057 --> 00:16:22,348
Out of options, he brought
his favorite employee,
356
00:16:22,390 --> 00:16:23,640
Vic, to the next game.
357
00:16:23,723 --> 00:16:26,015
Whoa. Right on the glass.
358
00:16:26,098 --> 00:16:29,307
- Best seats for my best pal.
- Hey, not bad. Thank you.
359
00:16:29,348 --> 00:16:32,473
Please stand for
the Canadian national anthem.
360
00:16:32,615 --> 00:16:36,215
♪ Oh, Canada ♪
361
00:16:37,382 --> 00:16:41,382
♪ my home and native land ♪
362
00:16:41,507 --> 00:16:42,965
What are you doing?
363
00:16:43,048 --> 00:16:46,215
- I'm singing the song of my country.
- What country?
364
00:16:46,257 --> 00:16:48,382
Canada.
I'm from Edmonton.
365
00:16:48,423 --> 00:16:50,882
I've told you ... oh, forget it.
366
00:16:50,965 --> 00:16:54,965
♪ Oh, Canada ♪
367
00:16:55,382 --> 00:16:59,382
♪ we stand on guard for thee ♪
368
00:16:59,390 --> 00:17:01,373
As 10,000 people booed my father,
369
00:17:01,457 --> 00:17:04,207
he officially realized
how much he missed Barry.
370
00:17:04,290 --> 00:17:06,332
What are you doing?!
371
00:17:06,373 --> 00:17:08,707
Back at home, my mom missed the days
372
00:17:08,790 --> 00:17:11,748
when I was happy just to
be a schmo in the chorus.
373
00:17:11,832 --> 00:17:15,665
- Sorry I quit the play.
- But in my defense...
374
00:17:15,748 --> 00:17:18,965
- it's a turd on wheels.
- Oh, it really is.
375
00:17:19,007 --> 00:17:22,840
How did my sweet, little
boy turn into such a monster?
376
00:17:22,923 --> 00:17:26,298
You shifted the world so it
entirely revolves around him.
377
00:17:26,382 --> 00:17:28,132
Of course! It's what I do!
378
00:17:28,173 --> 00:17:31,715
But usually someone
steps in and stops me.
379
00:17:31,798 --> 00:17:33,798
Look, I know Adam's
your little superstar,
380
00:17:33,882 --> 00:17:36,090
but there's a reason
he's always in the chorus.
381
00:17:36,132 --> 00:17:37,715
Well, I can't tell him that.
382
00:17:37,757 --> 00:17:40,119
- It would shatter his precious heart.
- Aw.
383
00:17:40,323 --> 00:17:42,590
Lucky for you, I can.
384
00:17:45,193 --> 00:17:46,568
Hey, buddy.
385
00:17:46,652 --> 00:17:49,235
Mom needs to tell you
something about the show.
386
00:17:52,652 --> 00:17:54,485
- She thinks it sucks.
- What?
387
00:17:54,527 --> 00:17:55,818
Don't get her wrong,
388
00:17:55,902 --> 00:17:58,152
she thinks you're the most
talented, delicious boy
389
00:17:58,235 --> 00:18:00,318
in the whole world,
who deserves to be the star.
390
00:18:01,652 --> 00:18:03,152
But no one else does.
391
00:18:04,652 --> 00:18:09,364
- Mom? I-Is this true?
- Honey, I, uh...
392
00:18:09,473 --> 00:18:12,307
I think we both got
a little bit carried away.
393
00:18:12,390 --> 00:18:14,223
Maybe a little.
394
00:18:14,265 --> 00:18:18,223
I know how much you want this,
and I want this for you...
395
00:18:18,307 --> 00:18:21,390
but sometimes...
396
00:18:21,473 --> 00:18:24,060
You just got to be Todd the apostle.
397
00:18:24,182 --> 00:18:26,839
Hearing that, coming from the
woman who loved me too much,
398
00:18:26,879 --> 00:18:29,515
meant that it was time for
me to hang up my skates.
399
00:18:29,557 --> 00:18:33,015
It's probably for the best.
Dana's not talking to me,
400
00:18:33,098 --> 00:18:34,723
and Sanjeev did break his collarbone.
401
00:18:35,732 --> 00:18:38,523
But thanks for always
believing in me, mama.
402
00:18:38,607 --> 00:18:41,065
Even when you probably shouldn't.
403
00:18:41,148 --> 00:18:42,315
♪ don't hesitate ♪
404
00:18:42,398 --> 00:18:45,315
♪ put a little love in your heart ♪
405
00:18:45,398 --> 00:18:46,773
I'll never stop.
406
00:18:46,815 --> 00:18:50,565
♪ and the world will
be a better place ♪
407
00:18:50,648 --> 00:18:53,573
♪ and the world
will be a better place ♪
408
00:18:53,615 --> 00:18:55,282
- Hey.
- Busy.
409
00:18:56,798 --> 00:18:58,173
Too busy...
410
00:18:58,215 --> 00:19:01,215
for the greatest rivalry
in the history of hockey?
411
00:19:01,298 --> 00:19:03,632
The Flyers-Rangers game?
No way!
412
00:19:04,757 --> 00:19:08,548
- Still not interested.
- What if we stay till the end?
413
00:19:08,632 --> 00:19:12,507
And get stuck in traffic?
Why would you ever do that?
414
00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:14,173
I miss you.
415
00:19:15,298 --> 00:19:17,965
- Say it again.
- No.
416
00:19:18,007 --> 00:19:20,465
You love me more than you
hate traffic ... say it!
417
00:19:20,507 --> 00:19:22,548
- You're a moron.
- Say the words.
418
00:19:22,632 --> 00:19:24,382
- No.
- Say the words.
419
00:19:24,465 --> 00:19:25,798
- No. No.
- Say the words. Say the words.
420
00:19:25,882 --> 00:19:28,277
- No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
- Say the words. Say the words.
421
00:19:28,332 --> 00:19:29,998
My dad never said the words,
422
00:19:30,082 --> 00:19:32,582
but Barry knew he meant them
when he heard the final buzzer.
423
00:19:34,748 --> 00:19:36,540
It wasn't a historical hockey moment,
424
00:19:36,623 --> 00:19:38,873
but it was a historical
night for the Goldbergs ...
425
00:19:38,957 --> 00:19:42,290
the first time any of
us saw the end of a game.
426
00:19:42,373 --> 00:19:45,707
And, sure, they got stuck
in traffic for two hours
427
00:19:45,748 --> 00:19:47,207
and complained the whole time...
428
00:19:47,248 --> 00:19:50,415
Whoa, what ...
what is she doing? Ohhh!
429
00:19:50,457 --> 00:19:52,540
...but my dad didn't care
430
00:19:52,582 --> 00:19:56,165
'cause it meant being stuck
for two hours with his kid.
431
00:19:56,248 --> 00:19:58,582
And turns out, miss
Cinoman was right ...
432
00:19:58,623 --> 00:20:01,748
there are no small
roles, only small actors.
433
00:20:03,332 --> 00:20:05,748
I was the greatest 30th
apostle at the kids' table
434
00:20:05,832 --> 00:20:07,373
the world had ever seen...
435
00:20:07,415 --> 00:20:10,373
I love you, Todd the apostle!
436
00:20:10,415 --> 00:20:12,790
...and it felt great.
437
00:20:12,873 --> 00:20:14,373
Whoo!
438
00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:27,040
♪ Can it be what it seems? ♪
439
00:20:27,248 --> 00:20:30,957
♪ there will be no more love ♪
440
00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:33,915
♪ there will be no more dreams ♪
441
00:20:37,138 --> 00:20:38,388
Come on!
442
00:20:38,472 --> 00:20:41,097
Green light, people! Green light!
443
00:20:41,180 --> 00:20:44,055
One car went through! One car!
444
00:20:44,138 --> 00:20:47,847
Move it, lady!
What are you, Sally Field?!
445
00:20:47,930 --> 00:20:49,888
Put your makeup on at home!
446
00:20:49,972 --> 00:20:52,305
Oh, there's a baby on board?!
447
00:20:52,347 --> 00:20:55,055
I'll tell you what,
there's a moron on board!
448
00:20:55,138 --> 00:20:55,846
Moron!
449
00:20:55,847 --> 00:20:57,680
Son of a ...
450
00:20:57,763 --> 00:21:00,513
Car full of morons!
451
00:21:01,458 --> 00:21:04,739
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452
00:21:04,789 --> 00:21:09,339
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