Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

NARRATOR: Man lives in the sunlit world

of what he believes to be reality.

But... there is,

unseen by most, an underworld.

A place that is just as real

but not as brightly lit.

A dark side.

(car horns beeping in distance)

Leon, you think assignments

to write TV scripts grow on trees?

Seymour, you gotta get me in to see people.

I haven't worked in six months.

I'm trying Leon, believe me, I'm trying.

Incidentally, I see you got yourself an answering machine.

Yeah, I had to.

My answering service never gave me my calls.

(chuckles) I love the message you got on your machine.

If your TV writing was half as original.

Seymour, it's just your basic "hello, I'm not here" message.

Oh, sure, but that Bronx cheer you got on the end.

That's terrific.

Bronx cheer?

(blows raspberry)

Huh? Little crude, maybe,

but who wants to hear that same old beep all the time, huh?

Leon, it broke me up.

(car door creaks)

So who gives writing assignments to a practical joke?

(sighs)

Why is everything I buy always defective?

Hi, this is Leon.

Please leave your name and number

and I'll get back to ya.

(slide whistle plays)

A Bronx cheer?

WOMAN: Leon, how dare you use your answering machine message

to announce that my mother is a bag lady?!

Look, just because she said that you were a failure.

I mean, my mother gets a great deal of pleasure

out of shopping for clothes.

What are you talking about?

Well, you don't have to worry about me pressuring you

to get married anymore.

I never want to see you again. (receiver clicks)

I'll take care of you later.

LEON'S VOICE (snarky): Hello, I'm not here now

cause I just flew out like a turkey

with a few giblets missing.

Listen, pal, the first thing we gotta settle

is just who's in charge around here.

(blows raspberries to tune of "Shave and a Haircut")

(knocking)

Who is it?

LEON: It's me. Open up. I can explain.

(sighs)

It better not just be good, Leon.

It better be Academy Award time.

Okay.

My answering machine is making funny noises.

That's it?

Come on, Leon, I heard your voice.

"Hello, this is Leon. I'm not here.

"But if this is you, Dolores,

"I wish you'd stop saying that your mother, the bag lady,

"adores me because we both know

"that the world's greatest shopper doesn't adore anybody

except Mr. Neiman, Mr. Marcus and Mr. Gucci."

My machine has a defect.

Leon, I'm sorry,

but I can't continue a relationship

with a coward who lets his answering machine

do all of his dirty work.

Oh...!

LEON'S VOICE: Hey, Leon! Wake up!

Huh? What?

Don't leave me stranded like this.

Where are you?

Here, inside your answering machine, of course.

Who are you?

What do you want?

(mocking): Who are you?

What do you want?

Leon, sweetheart, no wonder you're a failure.

When it comes to dialogue, you've got a tin typewriter.

It's finally happening.

I'm cracking up.

Possibly, but irrelevant.

Tell me, does the expression "alternate universe"

mean anything to you?

Yeah, it means my crackup is coming along nicely.

Alternate universes exist, Leon.

I don't believe it.

That's strange, considering you live in one.

I live in a furnished apartment.

Look at it this way.

One of us has to be living in an alternate universe,

and it certainly isn't me.

So just plug me back

into the phone line and keep me in fresh batteries.

Why?

You stick to your universe, I'll stick to mine.

Now, if you wouldn't mind,

I got people waiting to hear from me.

(musical beeps play)

(line ringing)

WOMAN'S VOICE: Hello, MultiCinema Theater.

Today, we have 18 wonderful double features.

LEON'S VOICE: Hiya, sweetie.

I know it's been a while,

but I've had problems with the jerk who owns the machine.

WOMAN'S VOICE: And tonight at MultiCinema number 14, we feature...

LEON'S VOICE: You know, I can get you into real show business.

Like maybe doing English for foreign pictures.

How'd you like to work for Ingmar Bergman?

WOMAN'S VOICE: You really know Ingmar Bergman's soundtrack?

LEON'S VOICE: Baby, you wouldn't believe my contacts.

Kiss, kiss.

WOMAN'S VOICE: Mm, honey, you've still got that old magnetism.

(body thuds on floor)

Leon, didn't you hear what I just told you?

All I get is a blank stare for my hard work?

Oh, oh, sorry, Seymour.

Uh, something crazy is happening in my life.

Like what?

You ever hear the expression, "alternate universe"?

Sure. It's where writers live.

Now, I'm gonna say this one more time, Leon,

and I expect an appropriate reaction.

By the sweat of my brow,

I have gotten you two appointments

with major TV producers.

Huh, huh?

Yahoo!

Yeah, one of them is a yahoo,

but in your position, we can't be too choosy.

SEYMOUR (on machine): Looks like you struck out again at those meetings today, Leon.

Don't worry. Look, nobody's working this time of year.

Call me in a couple of weeks.

(receiver clicks)

Leon!

Aw, how soon you want the wedding?

What wedding?

Aw, just think, whoever thought

that the Leon I knew would be apologizing

about my mother practically in tears?

Aw, and then begging me to marry him.

Leon.

Begging you to what? (chuckles) And just think,

I'll even have the recording for our grandchildren.

Dolores, what are you talking about?

The proposal you left on my answering machine, of course.

Let me understand this.

You heard my voice? Mm-hmm.

Threatening to kill yourself if I turned you down.

Oh, Leon! Oh...

Why are you doing this to me?

Because I love you.

Leon, darling!

Not you... him.

Did you get yourself a dog, Leon?

I got what I thought

was an ordinary answering machine.

Well, isn't it?

Do ordinary answering machines drive people nuts

interfering with their private lives?!

Well, I don't know!

I don't keep up with modern electronics.

Well, do they?

(machine clicks)

Not with mine, you don't!

Not anymore!

Enough! This is enough!

Leon, why did you destroy

your videotape machine?

Oh, my God.

I was taping The Late Show.

Oh...

It was that light.

Why me?!

Oh...

you sound like my mother

when I told her I was gonna accept your proposal.

I never proposed to you.

What?

This might be a little difficult

for you to understand, Dolores.

Does the expression "alternate universe" mean anything to you?

I think that's the place where people change their minds

about marrying other people.

It wasn't me.

It was the voice on my answering machine

proposing to the voice on your answering machine!

(chuckles nervously)

I think I understand.

You know, Leon, I think my mother was right.

I mean, you are a little strange.

(growls)

And not only that, your writing stinks!

Why?

Why are you doing this to me?

LEON'S VOICE: So, I tried to do you a favor.

One universe reaching out to another.

Is that such a crime?

Oh, yeah.

And now you're gonna pay for it.

I'm unplugging you.

Don't, Leon! You'll be sorry.

If they could do it to Ma Bell, I can do it to you.

So, I got a big mouth. We can work this out.

Now I'm about to erase a universe.

No, Leon!

I'm beg you on bended transistors.

Don't erase me, you'll regret it.

I've got friends, Leon.

They'll come after you!

(electronic whirring)

(ringing)

Hello.

WOMAN: I'm sorry... Delores...

...but the doctors office is closed now.

This is a recording.

Please call 555-7694, if you need emergency treatment.

(groans)

(phone ringing)

(groans)

(ringing continues)

Hey, I know this may sound dumb,

but is your name Leon?

Why?

This is for you.

Something about weather conditions in Butte, Montana.

Is that a code or something?

You with the CIA, huh?

SEYMOUR: I asked you here, Leon, because I'm worried about you.

I haven't worked in seven months.

You're my agent, and now you're worried?

(phone ringing)

Yes.

It's for you.

I-I don't want it.

Leon, I haven't got all day.

Hello.

What's that all about?

It's an IRS recording.

How to prepare for an audit.

You're being audited, that's your problem?

No. They all call me.

Road conditions in 12 states.

Uh, uh, opening times of department stores.

Elevator voices

warning me to get back,

'cause the doors are gonna close on me.

Day and night, Seymour!

You heard it!

Am I imagining it?!

MAN (over TV): Three balloons have prizes.

Pop those three and you'll win a chance at our grand prize,

a brand-new car.

(applause)

(phone ringing)

Susan, are you ready? Yes.

I'm not gonna answer it.

Susan... Susan Alexander, I dare you.

(electronic tones)

But what if it's a producer?

A story editor?

Work?

(ringing continues)

But what if it isn't?

(ringing continues)

Could be Seymour.

Seymour, is that you?

Seymour.

(TV announcer continues)

Hello.

Here's the prize! (woman yelling)

A refrigerator-freezer!

(phone ringing)

It was Seymour!

Hi, we got disconnected.

No, Leon, I am not a recording.

I'm your agent, and I'm pleased to announce

that you have somehow come to the attention of Quentin Karp.

Quentin Karp?

The Quentin Karp wants to see me?

Yep. He's producing

a new miniseries, and he wants you to write it.

(thud)

Leon, you there?

Leon?

Leon? I made it.

I finally made it.

(chuckles)

I just beat the pants off Di Donato--

you know, the great Italian film director.

Oh, that guy may have final cut,

but uh, he's also got a very bad slice.

(laughing)

Leon, he's hot to direct our miniseries.

Roots, Winds of War, every single Masterpiece Theater.

They're all gonna look like chopped liver

when this one hits the air.

Well, that sounds great, Mr. Karp.

So, tell me about it.

Tell you about what?

Your miniseries, of course.

My miniseries?

Your sensational miniseries.

Come on, I want to know more.

More than what?

Leon, don't make me crazy.

More than you told me already, of course.

About my miniseries...

idea?

Uh, well, uh...

well, I guess, uh, Mr. Karp... Quentin,

I guess, uh, I guess what I told you already,

that's, uh... that's pretty much all there is.

In a nutshell.

(chuckles)

Except, Leon, nutshells don't fill ten hours of prime time.

We also need the nut, too.

Right, well, uh...

actually, Mr. Karp, I don't...

I don't remember which of my ideas

you liked the best.

If you could remind me.

I'll be frank with you, too, Leon.

It's been a couple of weeks and I'm afraid

I don't quite remember what your idea was either.

Except that it made me very excited.

I couldn't sleep the whole night.

Not one wink.

Well, you must remember something

about the conversation.

What conversation?

The one where I gave you

the sensational miniseries idea.

Leon, you left your idea

on my answering machine at home.

(chuckles)

Man, you are some terrific salesman.

The answering machine.

I will get you nut, Mr. Karp.

I will give you lots of nuts... miniseries kind of nut.

You just give me a little answering machine...

I mean, I mean, time, time, time.

You give me time, an hour, hour tops.

Hour tops.

You just stay here and you keep thinking

about how sensational it was.

I'm sorry, I didn't know, really.

I didn't know.

Here you go.

There.

All plugged in.

Now, please tell me what the miniseries idea was.

(high-pitched whine)

Oh, come on.

Uh... how about that girl at the MultiCinema, huh?

Huh?

She sounded terrific, huh?

I'll bet you can't wait to talk to her again.

Kiss, kiss.

Okay, anything you want.

The best batteries money can buy.

MCI. Sprint.

I'll even get another machine

just to answer my personal calls.

What is it?

I'm offering everything I can.

Not quite, Leon.

What? What is it?

Think about it, pal.

Uh, uh, uh...

Money, money, you want money?

Not even close.

What would I do with it?

Uh...

Dolores. You want to marry Dolores?

(laughing)

Don't be ridiculous.

What else is there?

You've got money, women...

Fame.

Now you're getting the picture.

Lets face it, I can sell a miniseries idea.

Credit where credit is due, you know what I mean?

And while we're on the subject,

the way I see it, there's really only room for one name

up there on the screen,

and considering where the ideas

are gonna be coming from, well...

I think you're getting the point.

Don't worry, there'll be plenty for you to do.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna like this--

miniseries, and then features, Oscars,

a stage play... and the Pulitzer.

(shouting): Up and at 'em, pal!

Let's get to work.

Do you know what time it is?

Inspiration doesn't wait.

(groans)

Okay.

Now, where did I leave off?

Scene at the airport.

Oh, yeah, right.

Okay... they rush to each other and embrace.

The press photographers push in,

flash bulbs going off everywhere.

Two government officials

quickly usher Nick and his uncle into a waiting limo.

They drive off.

Are you getting this, Leon?

Nick and Uncle sigh in relief,

knowing that tomorrow is another day, another lifetime.

NARRATOR: The darkside is always there.

Waiting for us to enter.

Waiting to enter us.

Until next time, try to enjoy the daylight.