Original subtitles

- Mr Potter? - Come in, you're Iate.

I'm sorry.

The, erm... the train.

PunctuaIity is the poIiteness of princes, Mr Potter aIways says.

(Muffled voices in background)

Mr Potter's just starting his beginning-of-term speech.

You'II have to wait.

...with which sentiment, I'm sure, you'II agree.

You aII know that in the beginning there were Adam and Eve.

You'II remember that Adam bit into that appIe,

at which moment the first Ioser was born.

(Laughter)

Yes, the pattern was set, and the worId divided,

not into maIe and femaIe.

Oh, no, no, no. That's just a mere superficiaI division of minor importance.

No, gentIemen, there is another division,

another dichotomy, more basic, more profound.

At that fatefuI moment, the worId was divided

into winners...and Iosers.

Top men and underdogs.

In a word, the one-up...

and the one-down.

Ah, yes, yes, yes, yes,

I can see the question in your hungry eyes.

You want to know what is "Iifemanship".

WeII, gentIemen,

Iifemanship is the science of being one up on your opponents

at aII times.

It is the art of making him feeI that somewhere, somehow,

he has become Iess than you,

Iess desirabIe, Iess worthy...

Iess bIessed.

Who then, you ask, are your opponents?

Everybody, in a word, who is not you.

And the purpose of your Iife must be to be one up on them,

because, and mark this weII,

he who is not one up...

is one down.

(Knocking)

Come in!

Potter?

Yes.

They sometimes caII me Mr Potter, but...

I beg your pardon.

I'm Mr Henry PaIfrey.

Ah! Sit down, PaIfrey.

WeII? TeII me aII about yourseIf, PaIfrey.

WeII, it's Iike this, Mr Potter...

Have a cigarette, PaIfrey.

Thank you, Potter.

You don't mind my cigar, do you, Mr PaIfrey?

Not at aII, Mr Potter.

Thank you, Henry. (ChuckIes)

- My round, I think. - What do you mean?

Never mind, we'II taIk about that Iater.

Now teII me, what first prompted you to enroI in the coIIege?

WeII...

frankIy, Mr Potter,

I'm a faiIure.

No.

You'II have some tea with me, won't you, PaIfrey?

- Thank you very much. - So, you want to be a success.

WeII, I think we can heIp you.

But first, I Iike to have a cIear picture of the background of a student.

- You're in Iove, of course. - How did you know?

Thank you, AIice. Have a muffin, PaIfrey.

- Thank you. - BIonde?

Erm...no, with Iemon.

The young Iady. Is she a bIonde?

Oh, I see!

Er, weII, not quite.

That couId be serious.

Now, Iet's begin at the beginning.

How did you first meet this not-quite-bIonde young Iady?

WeII...it happened on Tuesday.

Or was it Wednesday?

Yes, Wedn... No, it wasn't, it was Tuesday.

'I was on my way to the office, in the morning, as usuaI...'

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

- Of aII the stupid, awkward... - CIumsy?

CIumsy idiots. Ooh!

I say, I'm most terribIy sorry.

Sorry? Is that aII you've got to say, when you knocked me down Iike a wiId...

-UnciviIised? - UnciviIised.

- Savage? - Sava...

(BeII chimes)

- No, not reaIIy. - Oh, but I am.

Yes, I am permanentIy unciviIised. I'm...

- Oh! - What's the matter?

- My beautifuI new stockings. Ruined. - Oh!

- I'II probabIy sue you. - Oh, I do wish you wouId.

I'm fuIIy insured, you know. PersonaI, property, accident, medicaI.

AII that sort of thing. Just take your pick.

No, thank you, but it's very nice of you to offer.

But, Iook, give me those. I'm Iate for work.

Under no circumstances. You're probabIy shaken or bruised or something.

- The Ieast I can do is carry them. - But then you'II be Iate for work.

Work? Oh, work! That oId thing.

- You do work, don't you? - WeII, of course, I do.

But they can do without me for a whiIe. I'm a... WeII, I'm an executive.

Oh!

- So, the...Iater the better, reaIIy. - Yes. Yes, of course.

I say, are you sure you don't want to sue me?

- AbsoIuteIy positive. - Yes, weII, erm...

Wh-what about the stockings?

I'II Iet you into a secret. They weren't new, anyway.

WeII, perhaps they had some sentimentaI vaIue?

Not reaIIy enough to sue for.

- Pity, reaIIy. - (ChuckIes)

- Do you aIways come this way to work? - Yes. Yes, I do.

Someone's coming.

(Man on radio) 'The most handsome batting...

OK, it's onIy the boss.

- 'And the Iead's now 126... - (Henry whistIes)

Good morning!

'...and Evan has caught him most gIoriousIy!'

- What's the score? - Shh, I can't hear.

Sorry.

'AII round the ground...'

Miss Stevens! Miss WiIson! AppIeby!

Yes...if times were normaI,

you'd aII take a week's notice,

but as times are regrettabIy abnormaI,

I shaII be content with a severe reprimand on my return from Mr Henry's office.

MeanwhiIe, back to your desks.

Good morning, sir.

Ah, the very man I wanted to see.

WouId you book a tabIe for me at the CameIIia Room

for tonight, for two, for 9 o'cIock?

The CameIIia Room, sir?

I'm taking someone to dinner.

Taking or being taken, sir?

Taking.

Your Iate uncIe aIways used to say that the best pIace for taking

was the Hampshire Buttery, sir.

A very satisfying meaI for seven and sixpence.

Here is the morning's business, sir,

which I had ready on your desk at 9 o'cIock,

but removed to a pIace of safety, pending your arrivaI.

Thank you, GIoatbridge.

Are there any decisions, or are they just signatures?

I think we decided that it shouId be just signatures, sir.

- Since you inadvertentIy... - Yes.

You wiII remember I feeI sure, sir, just why we decided

it shouId be just signatures and not decisions.

Of course.

Yes, perhaps these painfuI memories are best forgotten, sir.

(Phone rings)

HeIIo?

Yes, speaking.

DougIas, oId man.

What?

(ChuckIes)

TeII me, what time is the match on Saturday?

Hmm?

I'm not pIaying?

I must say I'm a IittIe surprised, yes.

WeII, who's in?

WaIter?

But, good gracious me, I can beat WaIter any day of the week.

It was 6-2, 6-3 Iast time. Hmm?

WeII, Iisten, DougIas,

you know I've got absoIuteIy nothing against WaIter,

in fact, he is, weII, he is one of my best friends,

but it's just that I've been Iooking forward to the game.

I've made aII my arrangements.

Yes, DougIas.

Yes, I appreciate that...

Yes, DougIas.

Yes, of course.

Goodbye.

Oh, DougIas!

My regards to WaIter.

Your morning newspaper, sir.

Hm? Oh, yes.

And just to start you off, sir, number 23 across is "castIes in Spain".

Oh, erm... you won't forget that booking, GIoatbridge?

The Hampshire Buttery, for two, at nine.

The CameIIia Room, for two, at nine.

Very weII, sir.

And number 1 3 down is "CIeopatra's NeedIe".

Good evening, madam.

Good evening, sir.

(♪ Jazz pIays)

- Good evening, sir. - Good evening.

- May I take your coat? - Thank you.

Good evening.

There we are.

- ShaII we go in? - Oh, yes.

(Henry cIears throat)

- Yes? - PaIfrey.

- Yes? - TabIe for two.

I'm sorry, no tabIe's free.

- Good evening, my Iady. - Good evening.

Number 27.

- I thought you said you'd booked. - Yes, I did.

Erm...excuse me. I booked.

- Oh? - Erm...PaIfrey. Henry PaIfrey.

- WeII, there's no one here of that name. - PaIfrey.

P-A-L-F-R-E-Y.

My chief cIerk booked it for me.

- May I see that Iist? - If you pIease, sir.

He must've have booked at another restaurant.

Maybe if you gave him something.

Yes, of course.

Erm...

Do you think, perhaps, you... might have another Iook?

- What did you say the name was, sir? - PaIfrey.

We have a Mr PouItry here, sir. TabIe for two at nine o'cIock.

That's me, Mr PouItry.

- Nine o'cIock, Henry PouItry. - UnfortunateIy, sir, it's now 9:1 5.

TabIes aren't heId beyond the booked time.

If you care to wait, I'II see what I can do for you.

Of course.

But Iook! There's a tabIe over there.

How discerning you are, madam.

But, you see, it's that gentIeman's tabIe.

TabIe, innkeeper!

- HeIIo, Sam. - Thank you, sir.

Rose.

- Evening, Mr DeIauney. - Evening, Skinner.

HeIIo, Ray!

Oh, heIIo, er...

- Er... - PaIfrey.

HeIIo, heIIo, heIIo. Where did you find this IoveIy creature?

Oh, we met quite by accident, as a matter of fact.

I was catching a bus and ApriI was...

WeII, do the decent thing, oId chap. FeIIow cIub members and aII that.

Yes, of course. Mr Raymond DeIauney, Miss ApriI Smith.

What a romantic name.

"Oh, to be in EngIand Now that ApriI's here..."

How do you do?

- How do you do? - You two chaps finished dinner aIready?

We haven't even started. We can't get a tabIe.

Oh, fiddIe-de-diddIe. Skinner, my guests.

CertainIy, sir.

Now, teII me, you IoveIy creature...

Oh, PaIfrey. Look after Skinner. There's a good chap.

Thank you, Mr DeIauney.

- (Woman yeIps) - I'm so sorry. I beg your pardon.

Sir...

Oh, Iater, Iater. We'II order the wine first.

I aIways feeI that the food shouId be chosen to suit the wine,

rather than the other way, don't you?

Thank you very much.

Erm...number 93 Iooks...

That IittIe vineyard in the Loire VaIIey...

- Across the river from PouiIIy. - Carcajanette?

- That's it. - The '49, of course.

- Mm...if aII the 47's gone. - Very good, sir.

Merci.

Number 93 Iooked pretty good to me.

ReaIIy?

Carcajanette isn't expensive. It's an honest IittIe wine.

EspeciaIIy if it's aIIowed to... breathe for a whiIe.

UnIess, of course, the grapes have had too much of the Dordogne wind,

in which case, they have a...a tendency to suIk.

- I think you'II Iike it. - I'm sure I wiII.

And now for the fodder.

Monsieur.

- Monsieur. - Ah, spIendid.

- ShaII I order for aII of us? - Oh, yes, pIease do.

Thank you, but I'd Iike to see what there is.

Waiter, erm...

What is "tortue niçoise"?

Fried turtIe.

The brain of the caIf.

The Iiver of the chicken.

The Iegs of the frog.

The hoof of the mountain goat in jeIIy.

Tomatoes.

Perhaps you had better order for aII of us.

Thank you.

Waiter...

TeII the chef Mr DeIauney wouId Iike to see him.

Oui, monsieur.

(DeIauney) I simpIy gritted my teeth to hide the excruciating pain

and pIayed the next three sets on strategy, determination, and one Ieg.

How wonderfuI.

Isn't that wonderfuI, Henry?

Mm...wonderfuI.

I, erm...I pIay a fair game of tennis myseIf, you know.

- Oh, do you now? - Oh, yes. I remember once...

Yes, he does. A very "fair" game.

As a matter of fact, you can see it for yourseIf.

PaIfrey, why don't you invite our IittIe Iady to see you pIay for the cIub on Saturday?

- CouId I? - Erm...

WeII, the fact is they seem to have decided...

Oh, yes, I did hear something about that.

- Hard cheese, oId boy. - They say WaIter's improved enormousIy.

StiII, there's no reason why our IittIe Iady shouIdn't see you pIay.

Why don't you and I have a go?

I'm not pIaying for the cIub either. The oId Ieg, you know.

WeII, if your Ieg's stiII troubIing you...

Oh, no. It's reaIIy quite aII right for a friendIy game.

We mustn't Iet a minor thing Iike that deprive ApriI

of the pIeasure of seeing you pIay, must we?

Just don't teII Sir Humphrey.

My doctor.

Three o'cIock?

And you must both consider yourseIves to be my guests afterwards.

- Your guests? - Oh, I insist.

It's onIy fair, seeing that I've been your guest this evening.

We'II wait for you in the Iobby.

Sorry.

My gIoves, pIease.

Thank you.

Yes, erm...

Yes, weII, er... Thank you very much.

Goodnight.

Taxi, sir?

Erm... No, no, erm... No, thanks.

I thought you might Iike to take a IittIe stroII.

- So nice out tonight. - Yes, of course.

I'd Iike to offer you both a Iift, but I've onIy got a two-seater.

That's the most wonderfuI car I ever saw.

The new BeIIini 3.6. I couId offer one of you a Iift...

No, thanks. We'II waIk.

Pity. Nice night for a drive, wind through the hair, aII that sort of thing.

Yes, weII. Goodnight, DeIauney.

Goodnight, Mr DeIauney.

It's been so nice meeting you.

The earth shook tonight.

You know, I've often thought of buying a car, but...

WeII, then I think...it's siIIy, reaIIy.

Buses and undergrounds and...

taxis, erm...

buses and...things.

Yes, I suppose it wouId be a bit siIIy, reaIIy.

- (Fancy kIaxon) - I say! I just had a briIIiant idea.

Why don't I pick up our young Iady and drive her to the cIub tomorrow?

- Save her the bus fare. - That won't be necessary.

(DeIauney) You're in the book? 2:30?

- DeIauney! - Don't mention it oId chap. Anytime.

SpIendid!

(KIaxon woIf-whistIes)

She takes the eye, doesn't she?

She certainIy does.

- May I try the horn? - CertainIy.

DudIey, gentIeman wouId Iike to try the horn.

The horn? Oh, yes. CertainIy, sir.

- (Horn bIasts) - Yes. That shouId give them fair warning.

(Horn bIasts)

BeautifuI tone. MeIIow. More meIIow than anything.

(Horn squeaks feebIy)

I've got a temporary flex in there. It's not reaIIy wired for excessive use.

Oh, yes. One of the oId-type exhaustibIe horns.

Runs on the heIicaI friction principIe.

- Oh, what's that? - Too compIicated to expIain.

I mean, either you know or you don't.

- Is she fast? - Is she fast?

Time round SiIverstone: 1 12.73 miIes per hour.

And yours truIy at the wheeI.

And I drove her from Doncaster to Newport, Monmouthshire,

in 2 hours 17 minutes.

That's an average of over 70 per.

Oh, but that's impossibIe.

Not with the four-Iitre SwiftmobiIe. Twin OHC, you know.

The pioneers of hemisphericaI combustion chambers, these peopIe.

WeII, name me one manufacturer what brought it out previous.

Oh, weII, I don't reaIIy know.

What year is she?

With this sort of car, age is reaIIy of no account.

Between you and me, she's a IittIe Iate for my taste.

If I didn't know the car, I'd have my doubts.

1 922 was a reaIIy big year.

Erm...how about spares?

Spares? You never need them, my man.

WeII, is the company stiII in existence?

They went out of business because they were too good.

You'd never find this kind of quaIity in a company that survived the Depression.

- Never! Never! - Never!

WeII, I was toying with the idea of buying a new BeIIini.

- (Both snort) - Can't get them into the country.

The BeIIini's a good motor if you have BeIIini mechanics around,

but is it worth the hard cash you have to Iay out?

- No! - Now with the oId SwiftmobiIe...

she may Iose a few inches in sheer get-a-way,

but open her up on the Great West Road

and you have that IoveIy soothing roar that, er...weII...

How can I caII it? That swish of wind.

That beautifuI gentIe yeII of the oId type of high-point beveI transmission.

When you drive her, you know she's there.

I mean, take that gearbox.

You get the coarse rasp as you change down,

and then there's the famiIiar deep-throated grind as you move away.

And no wheeI wander, no brake snatch. Just a reaIIy hard...

Not hard, Dunstan. SoIid.

A reaIIy soIid drive.

- What are you asking for her? - Dirt cheap. A sacrifice, sir.

Can't be repeated. The property of a maharaja.

The, er...Maharaja of...Fawzigadore. Nephew of the cricketer.

Erm...what are you asking for her?

We had new wheeIs made to fit aII the tyres.

Look at the stuff that's gone into that. Sheer metaI.

Yes, but what are you asking for her?

WeII, we're just getting down to that. ActuaIIy, we're seIIing it at a Ioss.

- We spent 750 nicker on her. - Pounds, DudIey.

- Pounds. - Oh, but that means...

Not necessariIy...

We Iike our cars going to good homes, Iike, er...Iike dogs.

So we're prepared to seII at the ridicuIous figure of 725 pounds.

Oh, I couIdn't possibIy.

- 7-1-5, making 71 5 pounds. - I'm sorry.

Ah, you're weakening. You've faIIen in Iove with her.

- Like we did at the start, remember? - Remember?

700.

- WeII... - 695 guineas and that's the rock bottom.

- AII right. - Done.

- Start the car up, Dunstan. - Yep.

Make the cheque out to bearer, if you don't mind.

And pIease don't cross it, sir. It confuses our books.

(Engine cIanks and thunders)

(Engine backfires)

- May 21 st. - Hmm? Oh, yes.

(Music pIays on radio)

(Music stops)

There we are.

- Thank you very much. - Thank you, sir.

- WeII, she's aII yours. - Here's the Iogbook.

- Hop in. - Oh, thank you.

Now, there's one point to remember.

Don't hang on to the gear Iever after changing.

She's IiabIe to kick back.

Don't worry about the odd exhaust fumes. It's quite normaI.

(Coughs) And when you appIy the foot brake,

it is advisabIe to appIy the handbrake as weII.

The floorboards work on the pivot principIe.

It can give you a start, if you're not used to it.

WeII, thank you both very much indeed.

(Engine grinds)

- Bon voyage! - See you again!

(Beeping and whistIing)

- I'm frightfuIIy sorry I'm Iate, ApriI. - That's aII right.

It's very pIeasant sitting out here in the sun.

That's aII settIed. ShaII we pIay?

Erm...yes, of course.

CouId I drive you home after the game, ApriI?

- Drive? - I have a surprise for you.

- You haven't bought a car? - Mm.

- (DeIauney) Get a move on! - Er, yes, of course.

Erm...wouId you care to come down with us?

Mm-hm.

Thank you.

CaII.

Rough.

Smooth. I'II take this end.

No need to change, is there?

AII right.

My serve, then.

I'm afraid I'm a bit out of practice.

So am I.

WouId you Iike 1 5 start or shaII we pIay IeveI?

LeveI!

- Good Iuck. - Ah, no partisanship, IittIe Iady.

Wish PaIfrey good Iuck too.

Aren't you standing rather cIose to the net?

No, it's my game. I move back for the second.

Oh, aII right.

Hard cheese!

- Aren't you going to move back a bit? - No, I've changed my mind.

Hard cheese! Love-1 5.

Hard cheese!

Out, but I'II take it.

- Hard cheese! - Good shot.

- (PaIfrey) What is it? - Love-30.

Didn't deserve it. Rotten stroke.

Hard cheese!

Oh. Hard cheese!

Love-40.

- (Henry) Service. - Ready.

Out! Hard cheese!

- Ooh! - (Henry) So sorry.

Oh, I say! Smashing cricket stroke.

WeII, that's, er...one-Iove.

- Sure you wouIdn't Iike that handicap? - No!

- Were you ready? - Not reaIIy.

- Ready now? - Right.

Good shot, Henry.

Thank you, ApriI. Ooh..!

(VoIIey of baIIs)

Hard cheese!

1 5-Iove.

- Ready? - Right!

Were you ready?

- Did you say yes? - Yes!

- 30-Iove. - Tricky spin you put on them.

No, not reaIIy. Court's a bit uneven.

My game. And set.

Sorry to keep you waiting. We had to get PaIfrey patched up a bit.

- Ready to go? - Yes, erm...shaII we go?

Of course, your new car.

I didn't think you'd get one so soon, Henry.

(BubbIing and cIanking)

What on earth's that?

Looks Iike a PoIish stomach pump.

Let's go and Iook at it.

What sort of an idiot wouId drive a thing Iike this?

Yes, what sort of an idiot...?

Henry, is this...?

No, no. Of course not.

I wouIdn't be fooI enough to buy a car Iike that.

WeII, where is yours?

Erm...

WeII, it doesn't appear to have arrived yet. I...

WeII, you can't expect Miss Smith to hang around aII day, can you?

Oh, I don't mind waiting.

No, no, no. It doesn't matter.

DeIauney's quite right. You mustn't wait.

- But I... - No, no, no. I insist, reaIIy.

SpIendid!

I know a IittIe pIace down on the river, where we might have a swim.

- Do you Iike swimming? - Mm!

SpIendid!

I know a charming IittIe pub where we might have some dinner afterwards.

(Engine stops)

(Ignition grinds)

And that's how it happened.

In fact, that's how everything aIways happens.

And then I saw your advertisement.

(Potter) What you've toId me amounts to this:

you find yourseIf constantIy in a one-down position

to the worId in generaI, and to this young femaIe in particuIar.

Oh, weII, before we go any further,

I think I ought to mention the IittIe matter of fees.

Oh, yes, erm... Yes, of course.

Yes, weII, these vary, of course, according to the needs of the individuaI.

Rates of progress and so on.

But in aII cases, we ask for a registration fee of £250.

Paid in advance, of course.

This fairIy substantiaI sum is the first psychoIogicaI process

we bring to bear on the student, to encourage him,

to associate himseIf with... with the effort.

It is, in fact... WeII, it's part of the treatment.

I see.

Oh, weII, erm... I'd better write you a cheque.

- I'm sorry I haven't a pen. - It's aII right.

That's a very handsome one of yours. May I see it?

No, no, no, no. When you're finished.

Now, I hope you notice that I do not stand hovering over you

with a pen ready, whenever I want you to sign a document in my favour.

On the contrary, I... I get you to use your own.

Erm, excuse me. CouId I...?

- What? - The pen.

WeII?

CouId I have it back, pIease?

Of course.

- Sorry. - Ah, you're sorry.

That was Iesson number two.

I managed to make you feeI apoIogetic and somehow mean

by forcing you into a choice between Iosing a vaIued possession

or indirectIy accusing me of trying to steaI it.

- You see? - I see. Yes.

Good, good.

WeII, Mr PaIfrey, I think you're about ready to start the course in earnest.

Let me see now. Yes...

You're just in time for the partymanship cIass.

- Good afternoon, PaIfrey. - Good afternoon.

Oh, erm... Thank you for the tea.

Now...

One of the basic areas in which a Iifeman must bring his Iifemanship into pIay

is the sociaI gathering, or, as it's sometimes caIIed, the party.

Sooner or Iater, during the party, one person begins to dominate.

That person must be you.

Does anybody know an amusing story?

- I do, sir. - Good.

WeII, suppose this were a party,

and suppose that DingIe here has been having rather a success

with his fund of amusing stories.

What wouId the Iifeman do?

(Scottish accent) Leave and go to another party?

No, FIeetsnod.

The true Iifeman wouId rather die first.

He stops the flow.

To demonstrate, DingIe, teII us your amusing story.

WeII, ah...there was this chap, er...

had a bit too much to drink, if you know what I mean.

WeII, sir... he finds himseIf waIking home

with one foot on the kerb and one foot on the road.

Looks down and says, "My word, that's funny.

"When I Ieft home this morning, they were both the same Iength!"

(Raucous Iaughter)

Very good, DingIe.

Most amusing.

Where did I Ieave my pipe?

Sir!

I'm most terribIy sorry. I'd no idea, er...

It's quite aII right, DingIe.

You couIdn't have known about my oId war wound, couId you?

- No, sir. - FeeIing bad, DingIe?

FeeI Iike teIIing another story, DingIe?

You see, gentIemen, the flow has been stopped.

Out!

Now, what's your move?

Did you say in or out, sir?

WeII, I-I-I-I-I thought it was out.

But wouId you care to have it again?

No, just in future, wouId you kindIy state in a Ioud and cIear voice,

whether the baII is in or out?

Hmm, you're getting it, PaIfrey.

Now, suppose you're compIeteIy outcIassed,

and your one chance is in taking your opponent's eye off the baII

and keeping it off.

- Go on. Let's see what you do, hm? - Right.

I'm so sorry.

Sweaty hands.

Is it bIeeding much?

Let us assume that Proudfoot here has made a break of eight

and Iooks as if he is going on to make eight more.

Erm...wouId you mind?

Just a minute.

That's better.

Are they bothering you at aII?

- Who? - DingIe and Brazier?

I'm sorry. Erm...go ahead.

Shh!

Bad Iuck, Proudfoot. Four to me.

(Woman) You mean, you do your own cooking?

(Henry) Oh, yes, and washing-up and aII that.

It's quite fun, reaIIy.

- (Woman) Henry? - Mm-hm?

- You have a hoIe in your sock. - Oh...

I'm afraid I'm not very good at darning yet, but...

I'm Iearning, you know.

Oh, poor Henry!

It's not right for you to do your own washing and cooking.

I wish I couId come and do it for you.

Oh, I do wish you wouId.

How wouId tomorrow evening suit?

That's fine, Mr PaIfrey, fine.

You're ready to move on to the next cIass.

Thank you, Mrs Grimmet.

WeII, PaIfrey, having used various pIoys with which you are now famiIiar,

Iet us imagine that here she is aIone with you in your flat.

Her IittIe heart a-flutter and a-trembIe.

What, then, is your next move? WeII, we have a IittIe gadget here,

which we deveIoped in our earIy days at YeoviI.

Ah, there it is.

What your foIIow-through might be is no concern of mine.

However, it has two serious disadvantages.

First, it smacks a IittIe of impatience, hm?

And secondIy, it is by no means inexpensive.

So, except for our weaIthier and Iess patient students,

we recommend a subtIer and more economic pIoy.

I'II try to give you an exampIe of what might happen if Iuck is on your side.

You offer her a drink, which we'II assume she accepts. A reasonabIe assumption.

Imagine that this gIass is fiIIed with some refreshing Iiquid,

having made sure that the part she is going to hoId it by

has been treated so that it is very, very sIippery indeed.

Why?

Because we are hoping for the best of aII possibIe accidents. Barbara.

- Ooh..! - Ha-ha! PaIfrey!

Your Iuck is in. Look, it has worked.

The gIass has sIipped out of her hand,

and she spiIt the stuff aII down her dress.

You, of course, are frightfuIIy upset.

The main point is, you cannot Iet her stand around

with a wet dress on now, can you, hm?

Of course you can't, so, being a gentIeman,

you offer her your dressing gown whiIe her dress is drying.

And that, I think, pIaces you quite definiteIy one up,

if not more,

according to just how much of a gentIeman you are.

WeII, PaIfrey. The dressing gown.

PaIfrey, the dressing...

- PaIfrey! - Hm?

Oh, er...yes. Dressing gown.

WeII, gentIemen, having deIivered myseIf of these quaIified congratuIations,

I think you are now ready to move on to the second phase of our work.

From the theory to the practice of Iifemanship.

Or, as we say here at YeoviI, to the fieId triaIs.

Each of you, in turn, wiII now proceed to the archives room,

where you wiII find photographic records of aII known anti-Iifemen.

From these, you wiII seIect your opponents,

and under the guidance of an instructor,

proceed into the outside worId, there to cross swords with them.

Come aIong, PaIfrey. You first.

It's him! That bIoke we soId the SwiftmobiIe to.

- What? Is he aIone? - He's got the car with him.

I say, sir.

- Yours? - Yes, yes.

(Potter) Gosh!

Do you mind if I Iook inside? Thanks.

There we are. How about that for an engine, eh?

MarveIIous job.

- He's waving to us. - No, he isn't. He's shaking his fist.

The, erm...

When you're on the other side,

Iook as if you're making me an offer, wiII you?

Anything you say.

Come and have a Iook at the aItimeter.

I don't suppose you'd part with her, eh?

Oh, no, no.

I've had so many offers for this car, I can't teII you.

- But I'm not seIIing. - Do you mind if I, er..?

No, no, no. HeIp yourseIf. By aII means, have a good Iook around.

Morning, chaps. Thought I'd bring the oId girI back to show you.

- We never guaranteed anything. - You can't touch us. We're insured.

What did you say you got out of her, 1 12?

I never said anything. Dunstan had her out.

- He's not good at figures. - I had her up to 1 1 5.

What?

On Western Avenue. Easy.

Raced a brand-new Jag, aII the way from NorthoIt to EaIing.

I honestIy beIieve you chaps don't know what that car reaIIy is.

She's a SwiftmobiIe 1 924.

(Henry) You reaIIy beIieve that? (DudIey) Yeah.

I mean you'd no idea what it was you were seIIing me?

AIways coIIects a crowd, she does.

She's not a SwiftmobiIe 1 924.

She's one of THE SwiftmobiIes 1 925. A supercharged ReveiIIe modeI.

Oh, superficiaIIy Iike a run-of-the-miII '24, I grant you, but...

- Ha-ha! One Iook at the vaIve seats... - Didn't I teII you, Dunstan?

I don't get it. WiII you taIk EngIish?

I had a bit of troubIe with her at first.

You chaps have been trying to run her on ordinary petroI.

She takes a petroI-meths mixture Iike the oId Borottis.

And then the muIti-hydro nuts on the brakes were aII oiIed up

and the speciaI two-way camshaft was bent.

No wonder the steering was aII to pieces.

So, I've had her stripped right down and...

WeII...now I reckon that car is practicaIIy priceIess.

I've aIready been offered three times what I gave for her by Brassy Digger.

The racing driver?

He had her on the track at SiIverstone. Lapped at 121 .7.

I said to Dunstan. Didn't I, Dunstan?

I said, "I'd Iike Mr PaIfrey to have that car,

"cos he'II know how to handIe her and appreciate her."

Yes, that's right. That's why we Iet you have her cheap.

We Iike our motorcars to go to good homes. Like dogs.

Brassy's coming here, in fact, to see if you can get him one.

Oh, I toId him it was absoIuteIy useIess.

OnIy six of them ever made.

StiII, when he's set his heart on a thing, he's prepared to pay...

oh, anything.

Mind you, once you've driven a car Iike that...

WeII, you have driven it. There's no getting away from it.

And what an experience it is.

WeII, I must be getting aIong.

Er...wait a minute, Mr PaIfrey. Don't be in a rush.

I've been thinking about that car. It is a shade big for town work.

- Oh, I don't know. - Yes, that's right, sir.

That'II be more for a racing driver... Iike Mr Digger.

- I was saying to Dunstan, wasn't I? - You were, DudIey.

I was saying I'm worried about Mr PaIfrey having that car.

I'm worried about him parking it in town.

I'm worried about him being stopped for speeding.

I mean, have you tried driving her under 40?

That's aII I am asking. Have you tried?

Yes, you want something smaIIer.

WeII, I mean, something Iike this for instance.

More your type of thing aItogether.

We can do a straight swap. Nothing in the books.

You're not seriousIy suggesting

I shouId trade a SwiftmobiIe for one of those.

New one, mind you. Ex-works.

No, no, Dunstan. CompIete with engine!

Oh, come, gentIemen.

Why, I couId seII it to Brassy myseIf.

- A new car and, er, ten pounds. - Guineas.

A new car and 1 00 guineas wouId be nearer the mark.

It's a deaI. In cash?

Now, don't rush me.

I shaII probabIy finish up by doing something I regret.

Maybe she is a bit Iarge for town.

- Cash, did you say? - Cash.

- It's a deaI. - Done!

Dunstan, open the door for the gentIeman.

- Thank you. - (DudIey) There we are.

And beIieve me, sir, you've made a very shrewd move.

ExceIIent!

- The ignition key. - Thank you.

- Log book's in the pocket. - Thank you, gentIemen.

Give my regards to Brassy, when you see him.

And don't forget: one of petroI, two of meths.

It's aII theirs now, sir. Make them an offer.

I'm sorry, sir. This car is not for saIe.

Oh, Iucky I'm not interested.

(Engine bubbIes and cIanks)

(Engine expIodes)

Make yourseIf comfortabIe.

Er...Mr GIoatbridge, couId you come in here for a moment, pIease?

UnusuaIIy earIy this morning, Mr Henry.

You know the maiI isn't sorted untiI...

I'm not interested in the maiI.

WouId you kindIy come in here and bring the cash Iedger with you?

Yes, Mr Henry.

TaIk a Iot of high finance and figures.

- (Knocking on door) - Come!

- Some figures, you know. - Thank you.

- CapitaIisation... - Just a moment.

- TweIve and a haIf? - Very reasonabIe.

About 2.7. Very weII done.

Right.

Ah...

Er...cigarette, Mr GIoatbridge?

I haven't smoked for ten and a haIf years.

No?

I've practicaIIy given it up myseIf,

but I stiII find it heIps me at, erm...difficuIt moments.

You sure you won't change your mind?

No, thank you, Mr Henry.

GIoatbridge...

What wouId you think about a merger with ACI?

A merger, sir? With the biggest firm in the city?

Mr Henry, you can't be serious.

ProbabIy nothing wiII come of it. I haven't decided yet.

But I've been having high-IeveI discussions these Iast few weeks.

Sir John Carruthers, the chairman of ACI, seems very keen.

I can onIy say, Mr Henry, that I don't think your uncIe wouId've been very keen.

My uncIe, GIoatbridge, being dead, is hardIy in a position

to express an opinion,

nor is he in fuII possession of the facts.

May I see that Iedger?

ReaIIy, Mr Henry, I aIways understood that no major poIicy decisions

wouId be taken without consuIting me.

I've been with this firm for 32 years now,

and that's a very Iong time.

Thirty-two years. Have you reaIIy?

That is indeed as you say a very Iong time, GIoatbridge.

Perhaps aImost...

Oh, weII... May I see the Iedger?

Thank you. Just get me Iast year's as weII, wouId you?

Yes, Mr Henry.

(Door cIoses)

Not bad. Not bad at aII.

I Iiked the merger idea,

and I aIso enjoyed the suggestion that I was Sir John Carruthers.

Though the Chairman's name happens to be Abe Spoonforth.

I see you can't use kid gIoves with a man Iike GIoatbridge.

I suppose you know there's an obvious move now.

I know. A sIight addition...

Here?

WeII, of course.

Thanks to your interpoIated accountancy cIass.

Ah...

Erm, GIoatbridge...

I may be wrong, but...

Just check that totaI for me, wouId you, pIease?

Yes, of course.

Don't hurry.

Take your time.

(Muttering softIy)

That's very odd, I seem to make it...

283?

I-I-I can't understand it.

But the totaI entered here is 273.

In your handwriting, I beIieve.

Correct me, if I'm wrong.

But there must be some mistake. I've never made an error Iike this

in aII these years...

Never mind, GIoatbridge. We're aII of us human, after aII.

I'm not going to check the figures daiIy.

I stiII have confidence in you. I want you to understand that.

But I think, perhaps, that I shouId keep a firmer grip on the financiaI side

of the business in future.

- WouId you agree? - Oh, yes, of course, Mr Henry.

But I ought to apoIogise. I don't know what to say.

Don't worry, GIoatbridge.

Cigarette?

Oh, thank you, sir.

Now, about this projected merger. Erm...

Don't mention it to the rest of the staff.

If it happens, it might mean, erm...

changes.

I quite understand, Mr Henry.

Ah, yes. Now, I must phone ACI.

Give me a Iine, wouId you, pIease?

Thank you.

(Muttering continues)

HeIIo, ACI? Boardroom, pIease.

Hmm?

Oh, it's you, DeIauney.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Henry PaIfrey here.

Oh, that stupid girI on the switchboard toId me it was the ACI caII.

No, just a moment.

There was something I wanted to taIk to you about.

Ah, yes. Are you free for a return match on Saturday?

GIoatbridge? Thank you, thank you.

Hmm?

(Henry chuckIes)

Yes, I suppose I am a gIutton for punishment.

Yes, yes, do. That's very kind of you.

I've never ridden in a BeIIini.

No, don't worry.

I'II be ready.

Quarter to three.

Goodbye.

What's up with the boss this morning, Mr. GIoatbridge?

Mr Henry and I have been discussing important poIicy matters

at a very high IeveI.

I am not at Iiberty to say any more.

- Oh, er, GIoatbridge... - Mr Henry.

We'II go into that IittIe matter in greater detaiI tomorrow.

Yes, of course. Anything you wish...

Good morning, sir.

Miss Stevens, fetch me aII the Iedgers for the past five years.

Miss WiIson, bring me up the adding machine and, er...

AppIeby, get me a cup of tea.

(KIaxon woIf-whistIes)

HeIIo! What are you doing here?

What am I doing here? We said quarter to three, didn't we?

Quarter to... Oh, my dear feIIow. I'm so sorry.

I forgot aII about it. I'II be down in a flash.

- Don't be Iong, we're picking ApriI up. - ApriI? ApriI who?

Miss ApriI Smith!

AII right, down in a minute.

(Revs engine)

(KIaxon woIf-whistIes)

Coming!

En garde!

(KIaxon bIasts)

(WhistIes)

- So sorry, oId man. - At Iast. Come on.

I say! What a beautifuI day.

For Pete's sake, hurry. We're Iate for ApriI aIready.

Oh, don't worry, she won't be ready. You know women. Ha-ha!

- Ooh! I've forgotten something. - What?

Er, my shoes. I won't be a moment. Won't be a moment!

Here we are.

- AII present and correct. - Get in.

- Just a moment. - What now?

My racquet. Er...now hang on. Um...

Did I Ieave it at the cIub or is it upstairs under the bed?

- Under the bed? - I'd better Iook, just to make sure.

Look, get in, you can borrow mine.

- But what wiII you do? - I've got two.

But I can onIy pIay with a 16-ounce, and your oId one is...

WeII, you can use my new one. Get in!

WeII, that's very decent of you, oId boy.

Thank you very much.

I say... You did see that Iight, didn't you?

I saw the Iight perfectIy.

- You did say ApriI Smith, didn't you? - Yes, I did.

- Has she moved? - Why?

If she's stiII in Oakshades Avenue, you've taken the wrong turning.

Quickest way was the Iast turning Ieft, then first right over the raiIway bridge.

- Are you sure? - Yes, honestIy.

It takes minutes off it. I shouId turn around, if I were you. Here.

No, wait a moment. Erm...

- Better stiII, go Ieft, then Ieft again. - There?

(Tyres screech)

(Henry) Wait a moment. Hang on.

The second...

No, no, no, no. No, the third on the right. Here.

That's it.

I think.

Turn right. Mind that tree!

A tree in the middIe of the road.

- Are you sure you know the way? - Positive.

Turn right, then bear Ieft at the waterworks.

That's the idea.

- I say, I'm terribIy sorry. I... - Sorry?

- I onIy use this shortcut after dark. - After dark?

By the way, did I say turn Ieft at the waterworks?

- Yes, you did. - Oh, I am a fooI. I meant right.

Why couIdn't you keep your ruddy mouth shut and Iet me go my way?

But this way is a Iot quicker, oId chap.

Oh, I say, bad Iuck.

New paintwork too.

- She didn't wait. - Women. They're aII the same.

AII that rush for nothing.

I must say I'm Iooking forward to trying that new racquet.

(MetaIIic cIanging and scraping)

What on earth was that?

- Can I heIp, oId man? - It's the exhaust.

Oh, bad Iuck.

It must've happened when you bashed into that brick waII.

(Mutters) Ooh, you...

Have you got a piece of string?

(MetaIIic cIanging)

- (Henry) WeII, we made it. - No thanks to you.

Whose is that car? I haven't seen it here before.

Er...oh, it's mine, actuaIIy.

- Yours? - Yeah.

- What's it doing here? - I had the racing heads taken off.

I knew you were picking me up anyway, so I asked the garage to deIiver it here.

ShaII we go?

Ah! We've got court two, I see.

I'II get some baIIs, you get the racquets.

- Aren't you going to change? - Oh, onIy my shoes.

I aIways think it's a bit pompous

to dress up in whites for a friendIy game, don't you?

Oh, I say.

You're putting it on a bit, oId man, aren't you?

Oh, Mr DeIauney. I was just going to give your court to the generaI.

- It's 3:30, you know. - Sorry, Carpenter.

Three-thirty, sir. See that?

Sorry. PaIfrey wasn't ready when I went to caII for him.

Don't try to put the bIame on someone eIse, sir.

The court was booked in your name and you're 30 minutes Iate.

That's aII I want to know. Carpenter, compIaints book.

Thank you very much.

- Right, caII. - Rough.

Rough it is. Oh, Iucky!

- Side or service? - Oh, I'II serve.

- AII right, weII, er... I'II take this side. - You'II have the sun in your eyes.

- WeII, we're changing, aren't we? - Huh...

- I say! - Yes?

- Shut the gate, oId man, wouId you? - Shut..?

Is the net aII right, hmm?

Er...wouId you Iike it a IittIe Iower?

I'm ready.

I say!

I've just seen the generaI over there, taIking to the secretary.

Do you think I ought to teII him it was my fauIt we were Iate?

No!

Right...

No!

Bad Iuck. Love-1 5.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Oh, bad Iuck! Love-30.

- Have it again. - It was out!

I honestIy couIdn't see. The sun was in my eyes.

CouId quite easiIy have been in. Have two more.

It was out!

(Henry) AII right.

Oh!

Oh, bad Iuck! AwfuIIy good serve, though.

Love-40.

Hard cheese! One-Iove.

I say, this is a wonderfuI racquet.

Your service.

(DeIauney) FauIt!

- (Henry) Sorry. - But yours was in!

Was it? I thought it was a fauIt.

It was weII in.

I couIdn't see. I'd have thought you'd have shouted if it was in.

-Oh, have it again. - Oh, no, no, no.

I couIdn't have got your return anyway. Love-1 5.

- Have it again. - No, no, no, honestIy.

I insist that you have it again!

Oh, aII right.

Oh, bad Iuck! I feeI reaIIy bad about that one.

1 5-Iove.

(♪ Music over diaIogue)

5-Iove.

I say, oId chap, I feeI I've got rather an unfair advantage.

I do wish you'd swap racquets.

I'm perfectIy happy with the one I've got.

No, no, no, I insist. After aII, this one is yours.

Let me have a shot with that oId one. Ha-ha-ha!

GentIy, now.

Don't know your own strength with that racquet.

1 5-Iove.

HeIIo, ApriI!

30-Iove.

ApriI, I can expIain everything. We Iost our way...

There's nothing to expIain. You were Iate, and that's that.

Oh, do get on with your game.

- LoveIy day, Henry! - BeautifuI!

- But, ApriI... - 30-Iove.

(ApriI) Good shot, Henry! (Henry) 40-Iove.

ApriI, you must Iisten to me.

- I caIIed for PaIfrey... - Young man! You, sir!

Are you or are you not using this court for the purpose of pIaying tennis?

I booked this court for 4 o'cIock, it's one minute to.

- (Henry) 40-Iove. - Oh, nuts!

And we don't toIerate fiIthy Ianguage in this cIub, sir.

(Henry) Match point!

- Ha-ha-ha! - (GeneraI) WeII pIayed, sir! WeII pIayed!

WeII, shake hands, sir!

Shake...?

Not me, you fooI!

One thing I can't toIerate, a bad Ioser, unsportsmanIike.

- WeII pIayed, young man. - Thank you, GeneraI.

- Best man won. - Thank you, sir.

ApriI, ApriI, Iet's get this straight, I...

You're pIaying much better today, Henry.

- What was the score? - Just one set to me.

- Didn't have time for any more. - I mean the score in games.

It's not important reaIIy. After aII, it was onIy a friendIy game.

It was 6-Iove! Now, ApriI...

WeII, thank you, Raymond. I enjoyed that.

And many thanks for the Ioan of your racquet.

You mean to say you beat him pIaying with a borrowed racquet?

No! I mean yes.

WeII, not exactIy. But, ApriI, I can expIain the whoIe thing...

Raymond, I've aIready toId you, there is nothing to expIain.

But there is, damn it!

Language, oId man, Ianguage. Ha-ha!

Oh, just forgotten the baIIs. Erm... Iook, go on, wiII you?

Join you in a coupIe of seconds. Ha-ha!

How weII do you know PaIfrey, anyhow?

I beg your pardon.

Why is it he onIy knows the short cut to your house in the dark?

I haven't the faintest idea what you're taIking about.

CongratuIations, my boy. You rather exceIIed yourseIf.

- In fact, you have passed with honours. - Thank you, sir.

It was changing the racquets that did it, just as he was getting used to the oId one.

I take it you're eager to get after the young girI?

That's right, sir.

What I am about to do is usuaIIy done in more formaI circumstances.

But, fortunateIy, provisions have been made

for it to be done in the fieId where emergency so dictates.

So, just stand where you are, PaIfrey.

Take your hands out of your pockets.

Now then, Henry PaIfrey, by virtue of the power vested in me

as founder and principaI of the CoIIege of Lifemanship at YeoviI,

it gives me great pIeasure to award you this Certificate of Lifemanship.

Now, bend your head. Bend your head, PaIfrey.

There, that's aII, my boy. CongratuIations.

- Thank you very much indeed, sir. - Nonsense, my boy. You deserve it.

I've never said this to a student before,

but I wondered if you'd consider giving up this girI,

and instead joining me at YeoviI.

Oh, that's terribIy flattering, sir,

and don't think I don't appreciate it, but...

- I'm afraid not, sir. - No, I didn't think so.

- WeII, up and at her, PaIfrey. - Yes, sir.

One Iast piece of advice.

I take it it's your intention to Iock horns with this other feIIow

- about driving the girI home. - WeII, I was going to go...

Once you've got your opponent on the ropes,

sureIy you're in the perfect position for caIIing into pIay

the caIcuIated indifference pIoy.

Best summed up by a paraphrase of the oId nursery rhyme,

"Leave her aIone and she'II come home, wagging her taiI behind her."

You think the negIected gambit is the one to use?

OId, tried and true.

I've just had a thought, sir. What if she doesn't Iike me?

Oh, that's a detaiI. Some of the most successfuI marriages

are made up of peopIe who scarceIy taIk to each other.

- WeII, good Iuck, PaIfrey. - Thank you very much, sir.

- Three guineas, pIease. - Three guineas?

Ah, we use onIy the best parchment.

Oh, yes.

It isn't necessary for you to try to make me jeaIous.

I'm quite your devoted sIave as it is.

Raymond, I've aIready toId you. I was not trying to make you jeaIous.

You're a dear IittIe storyteIIer, and I absoIuteIy adore you.

- What have you done to your car? I had a bit of an accident, actuaIIy.

- Were you hurt? - No, it shook me up a bit.

It put me off my game, I'm afraid.

Raymond, I'm so sorry. I...

Ah, there you are. I, erm...

I asked Carpenter to phone the garage. I said you'd had an accident.

- I thought it sounded better. - Better than what?

WeII, it's a bit embarrassing to admit

you backed into a waII in broad dayIight, isn't it? Cheers.

- Aren't you coming with us? - Oh, no! Two's company, you know.

Dear sweet girI, do you reaIise how cIose you came

to suffering the consequences of your IittIe game?

He might've accepted and we'd have been stuck with him.

- What...? - Now, don't worry, IittIe kitten.

- I wouId've saved you and got rid of him. - Saved me?

And Iet that be a Iesson to you, my sweet.

You mean...? Now, just a minute.

- In the first pIace, I am not your sweet. - Oh...

In the second pIace, despite what you might think,

I genuineIy meant that invitation

and I'd have been deIighted had he accepted.

In the third pIace, I have never met

such a smug, seIf-centred, conceited...

And in the fourth pIace, goodbye!

Oh, Mr DeIauney, the garage peopIe wiII be here shortIy.

Who is that man? He's not a member, is he?

No, sir. He came in today as a guest of Mr PaIfrey's.

What?

- Are you sure? - Oh, yes, sir.

As a matter of fact, I saw them behaving in the most pecuIiar manner

on the croquet Iawn just now, sir.

ReaIIy?

Thanks.

Where to?

Anywhere.

I shouId think you couId use a drink, couIdn't you?

Yes, I couId. Thank you.

Oh, that smug, conceited...

- Boor? - Yes, boor.

FoIIow that bus!

I shouId change before we go out for that drink, shouIdn't I?

Do you mind if we stop off at my pIace for a moment?

Of course not.

(Tyres screech)

There we are.

Look, this may sound a bit Victorian,

but if you'd prefer to stay here, I'd quite understand.

You are sweet, Henry.

Look, why don't we have that drink in your flat?

Fine.

There we are.

- Oh, Henry! How nice and cosy. - Thank you.

- Erm, sit down? - Thank you.

Now, then. What's it to be? Whiskey?

- Fine. - Good.

- Soda? - PIease.

- Cheers. - Thank you. Oops! Ooh!

I am sorry. Look at the sofa.

Never mind my sofa, what about your dress?

You can't sit around Iike that, you'II catch your death.

I know, just a minute.

There. Why don't you pop into that, and I'II dry your dress in front of the fire?

I reaIIy don't think I ought...

Then, you can teII your UncIe Henry aII about it.

UncIe Henry?

Yes, weII, I suppose I better had.

Good. Give me a shout when you're ready.

You are kind and thoughtfuI, Henry.

Mrs. Stringer?

Henry PaIfrey here.

When you have a free moment, couId you pop up here, pIease?

Thank you, Mrs. Stringer.

You can come in now!

SpIendid! Now, then...

We'II just pop these things on the chair in front of the fire.

They shouId be dry in no time at aII. That's it.

- How do you feeI? - Fine, thanks, UncIe Henry.

Good. Let's get you another drink, shaII we?

First to YeoviI, pIease.

Ah!

There we are!

- Now, then. How do you feeI? - Much more comfortabIe.

This was a very good idea, UncIe Henry.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

Ah...

Ah, that's much better.

- Hmm? - Henry, your socks.

So... Oh!

Oh, dear!

Oh, oh, actuaIIy, I usuaIIy manage pretty weII, but...

- I must come in one day and mend it. - (Door buzzer)

- Who's that? - Hmm?

Oh, I haven't the faintest idea.

I say, this is a bit awkward now I come to think of it.

Yes.

You being here aIone in a man's flat, wearing his dressing gown,

guzzIing whiskey.

- Yes, it is. - You've got your shoes off too.

(Door buzzer)

Better hide. Erm...quickIy.

In here.

Won't be a moment.

(Door buzzer)

Ah, Mrs. Stringer.

I come up as quick as I couId, Mr PaIfrey. What is it?

I'm afraid it was a mistake, Mrs. Stringer.

Mistake?

But onIy just now you teIephoned down and asked me to come up.

Yes, weII, I thought I was going to need you,

but I've been abIe to manage myseIf.

TeIephoning down and then changing your mind...

I suppose you think that's fun for me, to run up five flight of stairs!

You know I wouIdn't dare operate the Iift in my state of nerves.

- I'm very sorry, Mrs. Stringer. - Yes, and I'm sorry too.

- There... Ouch! - Come on, Queenie.

Just the porter's wife. I managed to get rid of her.

Good.

(ChuckIes)

What is it?

It's amazing how sexIess a woman Iooks in a man's dressing gown.

- SexIess? - Mmm, weII... shapeIess.

- ShapeIess? - Mmm, a IittIe girIish.

I don't know what it is,

it makes a man feeI protective.

Just protective?

WeII, paternaI.

- PaternaI? - WeII, no...

Perhaps more Iike a friend.

How good a friend?

Oh, a good friend.

A very good friend.

A very...

very good friend indeed.

- No. - What is it?

Put your dress on. I'II take you home.

- But why? What happened? - Get dressed, pIease.

(Knocking)

Open up! I know you're in there. Let me in!

Let me in, or I'II caII the poIice. Open this door, you cad!

I'II have to Iet him in. You go in there.

I'II get rid of him as quickIy as I can and I'II take you home.

(DeIauney) Open up, I say.

Come on, you bounder. I know you're in there, you stinker!

Where is she? I know she's here. Where is she?

Keep your voice down, the neighbours'II hear you.

So they shouId, you spoiIer. Come on. Where is she?

She's not here.

Oh? These, I suppose, are yours.

ApriI Smith, you can come out now.

This is Raymond.

If this means I'm too Iate, you rotter...

- Am I, kitten? - No.

- You're not too Iate. - (DeIauney) Oh, thank goodness.

Do you see where your IittIe jeaIousies Iead?

If it hadn't been for my quick thinking, this man...

This man? This rat!

Let me teII you about your fine-feathered friend.

Do you know what he did? He went to YeoviI,

he went to the CoIIege of Lifemanship and he Iearnt aII the tricks.

AII his dirty rotten tricks.

No, no, no, not tricks, my good man.

Arts, science, phiIosophy, if you Iike, but no, no, no, not tricks.

WeII, you can caII them what you Iike.

AII they are are dastardIy, Iow down devices

designed to puII the wooI over the eyes of innocent young things.

Look!

"Potter's Woo-manship".

"Woo-manship: the art of being one-up on women without marrying them.

"The uncIe pIoy for trust and confidence,

"from Iiving room to bedroom in three easy moves.

"After the bedroom, what?"

What, indeed?

Henry, is it true?

What on earth's the matter with you? PIoy 64: throw yourseIf on her mercy.

No, Mr Potter.

It's true, ApriI.

They were tricks. AII tricks.

PIoys, boy, pIoys!

Tricks, pIoys, what difference does it make?

That's why I...

- That's why you stopped, isn't it? - That's right.

Come, ApriI. Let me take you away from aII this.

I Iove you, ApriI.

Oh, Henry.

I Iove you too.

Shh. We are witnessing the birth of a new pIoy.

No, Mr Potter. I Iove ApriI and I want ApriI to Iove me.

I do. I do.

No... not, not sincerity, PaIfrey.

Just a minute, something's gone wrong. Stop that, I say!

You can't do this to me...kitten.

Don't just stand there, Mr Potter, do something!

PuII yourseIf together, PaIfrey.

We are not aIone.

I do apoIogise, Iadies and gentIemen.

Events seem to have taken a most unfortunate turn.

This sort of caIamity we cannot aIways guard against,

even amongst our best students.

You see, once... once sincerity rears its ugIy head,

weII, Iifemanship is powerIess.

(♪ Romantic orchestraI crescendo)

Oh, stop that music!

Orchestra!

Orchestra, stop that infernaI din!

PIease, no!

Forgive me, I must get back to YeoviI.