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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:22,945 --> 00:00:28,044 Subtitles by explosiveskull Sync by GoldenBeard 2 00:00:35,745 --> 00:00:37,881 (LIQUID BUBBLING SOFTLY) 3 00:00:43,818 --> 00:00:44,987 (SNORING) 4 00:00:50,159 --> 00:00:51,693 (SNORING CONTINUES) 5 00:01:02,638 --> 00:01:03,938 DEADPOOL: Psst! 6 00:01:03,940 --> 00:01:06,806 Wakey-wakey, Frosted Flakey. 7 00:01:06,808 --> 00:01:09,211 Hey, brought you a special present. 8 00:01:10,513 --> 00:01:11,748 Come on. 9 00:01:12,514 --> 00:01:15,249 Story time, chicken nugget. 10 00:01:15,251 --> 00:01:17,050 Rise and shine, there we go. 11 00:01:17,052 --> 00:01:19,855 Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose. 12 00:01:21,124 --> 00:01:22,659 Welcome back. 13 00:01:23,591 --> 00:01:25,761 What's going on? Wait a minute... What? 14 00:01:26,629 --> 00:01:28,064 Where am I? 15 00:01:29,698 --> 00:01:31,697 - Who dressed me? - I did. 16 00:01:31,699 --> 00:01:33,734 I'm a big fan of bears. 17 00:01:33,736 --> 00:01:34,967 I'm not wearing pants. 18 00:01:34,969 --> 00:01:37,239 When's the last time you saw a bear wearing pants? 19 00:01:37,906 --> 00:01:39,607 - What the... - (EXCLAIMS) 20 00:01:39,609 --> 00:01:40,874 Easy now. Hey. 21 00:01:40,876 --> 00:01:43,243 The only F-bomb we're using around here... 22 00:01:43,245 --> 00:01:45,145 is "Fred Savage." 23 00:01:45,147 --> 00:01:47,179 Now, I want you to take a deep breath... 24 00:01:47,181 --> 00:01:49,249 and listen to me very carefully, Frederick. 25 00:01:49,251 --> 00:01:52,184 You're in a PG-13 version of Deadpool 2. 26 00:01:52,186 --> 00:01:54,788 Which means we only get two... (BLEEP) one... (BLEEP) 27 00:01:54,790 --> 00:01:56,723 and a glass of white wine. 28 00:01:56,725 --> 00:01:58,158 Are you bleeping yourself? 29 00:01:58,160 --> 00:02:01,230 You bet your... (BLEEP) little... (BLEEP) I am. 30 00:02:02,297 --> 00:02:04,530 That seems weird that you would do that yourself. 31 00:02:04,532 --> 00:02:06,533 (BLEEPING) 32 00:02:06,535 --> 00:02:08,204 (INAUDIBLE) 33 00:02:08,704 --> 00:02:10,270 Please stop that. 34 00:02:10,272 --> 00:02:11,273 DEADPOOL: Sorry. 35 00:02:14,276 --> 00:02:17,011 Did you reconstruct 36 00:02:17,013 --> 00:02:19,312 the bedroom set from The Princess Bride? 37 00:02:19,314 --> 00:02:20,413 Inconceivable! 38 00:02:20,415 --> 00:02:21,482 Oh, God. 39 00:02:21,484 --> 00:02:23,083 Yeah, always wanted to say that. 40 00:02:23,085 --> 00:02:24,217 Felt real good. 41 00:02:24,219 --> 00:02:25,218 Why am I here? 42 00:02:25,220 --> 00:02:28,187 Well, the reason that you're voluntarily here... 43 00:02:28,189 --> 00:02:31,157 is that so I could read you the story of Deadpool 2... 44 00:02:31,159 --> 00:02:34,161 filtered through the prism of childlike innocence. 45 00:02:34,163 --> 00:02:35,029 I'm a grown man. 46 00:02:35,031 --> 00:02:36,295 And nobody does childlike innocence 47 00:02:36,297 --> 00:02:37,263 like you, Fred. Nobody. 48 00:02:37,265 --> 00:02:39,166 I need you almost as much as you need me. 49 00:02:39,168 --> 00:02:40,299 I don't need you. At all. 50 00:02:40,301 --> 00:02:42,703 You need me to untie you... 51 00:02:42,705 --> 00:02:43,971 once we're done. 52 00:02:43,973 --> 00:02:44,837 (BLEEP) 53 00:02:44,839 --> 00:02:46,840 Hey! Easy, sugar mouth. 54 00:02:46,842 --> 00:02:48,007 - (RAPID BLEEPS) - This thing will go all day, 55 00:02:48,009 --> 00:02:49,842 all right? Lithium-ion batteries. Hey... 56 00:02:49,844 --> 00:02:52,112 you are gonna love this story. I promise you. 57 00:02:52,114 --> 00:02:54,080 It's got fencing, fighting... 58 00:02:54,082 --> 00:02:54,948 revenge... 59 00:02:54,950 --> 00:02:57,920 giants, monsters, true love... 60 00:02:58,354 --> 00:02:59,821 and miracles. 61 00:03:00,622 --> 00:03:02,889 - (SIGHS) - Now... 62 00:03:02,891 --> 00:03:05,858 Once upon a time, there was a boy named Deadpool... 63 00:03:05,860 --> 00:03:08,095 who starred in a surprisingly popular movie... 64 00:03:08,097 --> 00:03:10,063 which, in an industry dominated by 65 00:03:10,065 --> 00:03:11,698 the exploitation of existing brands... 66 00:03:11,700 --> 00:03:14,434 (CHUCKLES) demanded an immediate sequel. 67 00:03:14,436 --> 00:03:19,205 And, believe it or not, Deadpool 2 is a family film. 68 00:03:19,207 --> 00:03:20,473 True story. 69 00:03:20,475 --> 00:03:24,477 And every good family film starts with a vicious murder. 70 00:03:24,479 --> 00:03:27,347 Bambi, The Lion King, Saw 7. 71 00:03:27,349 --> 00:03:29,081 Really, anything from Disney. 72 00:03:29,083 --> 00:03:31,619 And this family film is no different. 73 00:03:31,621 --> 00:03:35,555 Anyway, you know I get paid to take out bad guys, right? 74 00:03:35,557 --> 00:03:38,024 Well, this guy, oof... 75 00:03:38,026 --> 00:03:40,296 he was one of the worst of 'em. 76 00:03:42,664 --> 00:03:43,763 (SAW WHIRRS) 77 00:03:43,765 --> 00:03:45,632 Open up! Let me in! He's got a... 78 00:03:45,634 --> 00:03:47,133 - (ALARM RINGING) - (GUNSHOT) 79 00:03:47,135 --> 00:03:48,136 (BODY THUDS) 80 00:03:52,608 --> 00:03:55,108 A panic room? Really? 81 00:03:55,110 --> 00:03:57,610 - Can you come out? - (WATCH BEEPING) 82 00:03:57,612 --> 00:04:00,949 I really have to go. It's my anniversary. 83 00:04:03,319 --> 00:04:04,987 (GUNS COCKING) 84 00:04:06,289 --> 00:04:07,787 MAN: (ON RADIO) Over and over, I hear people say, 85 00:04:07,789 --> 00:04:09,288 "I just don't have enough confidence." 86 00:04:09,290 --> 00:04:11,625 Listen, confidence is not something you have. 87 00:04:11,627 --> 00:04:12,825 It's something you create. 88 00:04:12,827 --> 00:04:15,061 And you can create it at any moment in time. 89 00:04:15,063 --> 00:04:16,862 A sense of confidence is nothing 90 00:04:16,864 --> 00:04:18,164 but a sense of power within yourself... 91 00:04:18,166 --> 00:04:21,667 DEADPOOL: Start the car! Start the car! 92 00:04:21,669 --> 00:04:24,473 Dopinder, start the car! 93 00:04:25,474 --> 00:04:26,476 (SCREAMS) 94 00:04:30,846 --> 00:04:32,112 (MEN SHOUT INDISTINCTLY) 95 00:04:32,114 --> 00:04:33,780 - Whoo! - Oh, I shit my pants. 96 00:04:33,782 --> 00:04:36,383 Actually, that may have been me. 97 00:04:36,385 --> 00:04:37,551 Oh, mission accomplished? 98 00:04:37,553 --> 00:04:39,552 Oh, in a George W. sort of way. 99 00:04:39,554 --> 00:04:41,020 Can't stay in a panic room forever. 100 00:04:41,022 --> 00:04:42,623 DOPINDER: Oh, you're living the dreams, DP. 101 00:04:42,625 --> 00:04:44,523 It has been quite the run, Dopinder, 102 00:04:44,525 --> 00:04:45,926 and who'da thought? 103 00:04:45,928 --> 00:04:48,794 Now I'm talked about in the same sentence as Jesus and It. 104 00:04:48,796 --> 00:04:50,730 Passion of the Christ, then me. 105 00:04:50,732 --> 00:04:52,232 At least domestically. 106 00:04:52,234 --> 00:04:53,232 We beat them overseas, 107 00:04:53,234 --> 00:04:55,068 where there's no such thing as religion. 108 00:04:55,070 --> 00:04:57,604 I do want to live the dreams, Pool Boy. 109 00:04:57,606 --> 00:04:59,907 Taxiing is not as sexy as it looks. 110 00:04:59,909 --> 00:05:01,842 - I want to fill my... - Pockets? 111 00:05:01,844 --> 00:05:04,777 What's your poison? A little, uh, Instagram? 112 00:05:04,779 --> 00:05:06,078 Can't maintain focus 113 00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:07,748 - without buying shoes online? - (HORN HONKS) 114 00:05:07,750 --> 00:05:09,749 I've never experienced that last one. 115 00:05:09,751 --> 00:05:11,051 Talk to me, Goose. 116 00:05:11,053 --> 00:05:13,854 I was going to say "soul". I want to fill my soul. 117 00:05:13,856 --> 00:05:16,989 I want to belong to something, like you, Pool, sir. 118 00:05:16,991 --> 00:05:18,859 - Dopinder... - Hmm? 119 00:05:18,861 --> 00:05:22,128 You never cease to surprise me. 120 00:05:22,130 --> 00:05:25,064 You know, the depth of your heart is extraordinary. 121 00:05:25,066 --> 00:05:26,833 We all need a sense of belonging. 122 00:05:26,835 --> 00:05:28,768 We all need a genuine sense of home. 123 00:05:28,770 --> 00:05:29,835 A place in this world. 124 00:05:29,837 --> 00:05:31,171 I want to become a contract killer. 125 00:05:31,173 --> 00:05:32,873 I'm sorry. What did you say? 126 00:05:32,875 --> 00:05:34,907 Remember when I kidnapped Bandhu 127 00:05:34,909 --> 00:05:36,443 and threatened him with great violence? 128 00:05:36,445 --> 00:05:37,643 You kind of killed him. 129 00:05:37,645 --> 00:05:39,813 And then remember the movie Interview with the Vampire? 130 00:05:39,815 --> 00:05:40,948 Don't want to. 131 00:05:40,950 --> 00:05:42,015 When Tom Cruise fed 132 00:05:42,017 --> 00:05:43,917 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst blood 133 00:05:43,919 --> 00:05:45,184 for the first time... 134 00:05:45,186 --> 00:05:47,388 and she looked up at his smooth, 135 00:05:47,390 --> 00:05:50,657 handsome face and said... 136 00:05:50,659 --> 00:05:52,325 "I want some more." 137 00:05:52,327 --> 00:05:57,097 Oh, Pool, picture me, a 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst. 138 00:05:57,099 --> 00:05:59,833 I'll never not picture that. 139 00:05:59,835 --> 00:06:01,667 But I can't wait to never speak of this, 140 00:06:01,669 --> 00:06:03,636 as soon as possible. 141 00:06:03,638 --> 00:06:06,308 - We're here. - (BRAKES SCREECHING) 142 00:06:08,409 --> 00:06:09,342 You're my Tom Cruise! 143 00:06:09,344 --> 00:06:11,311 DEADPOOL: And you're my Kristen Dunst! 144 00:06:11,313 --> 00:06:12,882 Kristen? Kirsten? 145 00:06:17,719 --> 00:06:19,386 Sorry I'm late. 146 00:06:19,388 --> 00:06:20,886 There was a bunch of 147 00:06:20,888 --> 00:06:22,789 handicapable children stuck in a tree... 148 00:06:22,791 --> 00:06:23,857 Nope. 149 00:06:23,859 --> 00:06:25,124 You're right. I was rounding up 150 00:06:25,126 --> 00:06:26,492 all the gluten in the world... 151 00:06:26,494 --> 00:06:27,761 and launching it into space 152 00:06:27,763 --> 00:06:29,796 where it can't not hurt us ever again. 153 00:06:29,798 --> 00:06:31,133 Try again. 154 00:06:31,500 --> 00:06:33,032 Diarrhea? 155 00:06:33,034 --> 00:06:35,801 We can't be sure till I get this suit off... 156 00:06:35,803 --> 00:06:38,274 but, uh, all signs point to yes. 157 00:06:40,642 --> 00:06:42,542 Kiss me like you miss me, Red. 158 00:06:42,544 --> 00:06:43,546 Well, come here. 159 00:06:57,626 --> 00:06:59,659 Aren't you gonna say it? 160 00:06:59,661 --> 00:07:01,030 - Say what? - You know... 161 00:07:02,530 --> 00:07:03,531 The thing. 162 00:07:04,599 --> 00:07:05,732 What? 163 00:07:05,734 --> 00:07:07,133 The part, where, you know... 164 00:07:07,135 --> 00:07:08,301 - You want me to say the thing? - Yeah, from... 165 00:07:08,303 --> 00:07:09,469 Oh, you want me to say the... From the... No. 166 00:07:09,471 --> 00:07:10,804 DEADPOOL: "Is this a kissing book?" 167 00:07:10,806 --> 00:07:12,172 - I'm not gonna say that. - Why? 168 00:07:12,174 --> 00:07:14,907 Because I don't think that's gross anymore. I'm not 12. 169 00:07:14,909 --> 00:07:17,010 And I think a kiss is a very sweet, loving gesture 170 00:07:17,012 --> 00:07:18,244 between two people. 171 00:07:18,246 --> 00:07:21,148 Unlike taping someone to a bed and kidnapping them. 172 00:07:21,150 --> 00:07:23,215 I did not kidnap you! All right? 173 00:07:23,217 --> 00:07:26,619 I like to call it "unsolicited location enhancement." 174 00:07:26,621 --> 00:07:28,087 Whatever, ball gag. 175 00:07:28,089 --> 00:07:30,390 I'm just saying that if you're gonna force me 176 00:07:30,392 --> 00:07:32,292 to sit here and listen to this crap... 177 00:07:32,294 --> 00:07:33,760 I'm gonna have thoughts, okay? 178 00:07:33,762 --> 00:07:36,028 I'm gonna opine about things, all right? 179 00:07:36,030 --> 00:07:37,164 I'm an actor, I'm a director. 180 00:07:37,166 --> 00:07:39,368 I know. I love Modern Family so much. 181 00:07:40,368 --> 00:07:42,201 The point is, you need to anchor 182 00:07:42,203 --> 00:07:43,436 the story in believability... 183 00:07:43,438 --> 00:07:46,239 and I just don't believe that she'd be kissing you. 184 00:07:46,241 --> 00:07:48,308 I mean, she's gorgeous, and you're, like, you know... 185 00:07:48,310 --> 00:07:51,477 if Rocky Dennis had a baby with lava. 186 00:07:51,479 --> 00:07:53,712 Hey, zip it. 187 00:07:53,714 --> 00:07:56,415 We already pay someone to say stuff like that to me, okay? 188 00:07:56,417 --> 00:07:59,119 And you're wrong because she would kiss me. 189 00:07:59,121 --> 00:08:01,487 She loves my insides. 190 00:08:01,489 --> 00:08:02,722 Trust me. 191 00:08:02,724 --> 00:08:04,691 We all saw the first movie. 192 00:08:04,693 --> 00:08:06,191 FRED: I didn't. 193 00:08:06,193 --> 00:08:08,129 I kinda prefer Marvel movies. 194 00:08:10,765 --> 00:08:12,032 We are Marvel. 195 00:08:12,034 --> 00:08:14,535 Yeah, but you're, you know, Marvel licensed by Fox. 196 00:08:14,537 --> 00:08:17,570 It's like if The Beatles were produced by Nickelback. 197 00:08:17,572 --> 00:08:18,672 It's music... 198 00:08:18,674 --> 00:08:20,539 but it sucks. 199 00:08:20,541 --> 00:08:23,212 Just checking the nose for blood, there. 200 00:08:23,779 --> 00:08:24,977 I love Nickelback! 201 00:08:24,979 --> 00:08:26,813 You get your dirty mitts off Chad Kroeger. 202 00:08:26,815 --> 00:08:31,420 And the joke's on you because Fox is being bought by Disney. 203 00:08:32,020 --> 00:08:33,085 Mouse ears. 204 00:08:33,087 --> 00:08:34,521 I think that puts the joke on you. 205 00:08:34,523 --> 00:08:37,956 Ears closed. Mouth open. You were nicer as a kid. 206 00:08:37,958 --> 00:08:39,859 Now, where was I? 207 00:08:39,861 --> 00:08:41,527 (CLEARS THROAT) Right. 208 00:08:41,529 --> 00:08:44,831 Wade swept Vanessa into his finely toned arms... 209 00:08:44,833 --> 00:08:46,233 and she kissed him 210 00:08:46,235 --> 00:08:48,371 with an expression that could mean only one thing... 211 00:08:49,071 --> 00:08:50,402 true love. 212 00:08:50,404 --> 00:08:53,673 I'm gonna shower and get out of this suit. In that order. 213 00:08:53,675 --> 00:08:55,041 Don't you want your surprise? 214 00:08:55,043 --> 00:08:57,543 Do I look like a patient burn victim? 215 00:08:57,545 --> 00:08:59,247 I got one for you, too. 216 00:08:59,881 --> 00:09:01,614 Happy anniversary, baby. 217 00:09:01,616 --> 00:09:03,284 Open, open, open. 218 00:09:05,154 --> 00:09:06,887 Skee-Ball token. 219 00:09:06,889 --> 00:09:08,421 Our first date. 220 00:09:08,423 --> 00:09:09,889 Yup. 221 00:09:09,891 --> 00:09:12,761 That's genuine, high-grade lead. 222 00:09:15,396 --> 00:09:17,532 - I'll keep it forever. - (CHUCKLES) 223 00:09:17,967 --> 00:09:19,401 Thank you, baby. 224 00:09:20,970 --> 00:09:22,805 - Open yours. - All right, all right. 225 00:09:23,639 --> 00:09:24,738 Oh... 226 00:09:24,740 --> 00:09:26,205 Well, that's... 227 00:09:26,207 --> 00:09:28,008 That's just the most beautiful thing that I've... 228 00:09:28,010 --> 00:09:29,709 I don't know what this is. 229 00:09:29,711 --> 00:09:31,543 My IUD. 230 00:09:31,545 --> 00:09:32,479 A bomb? 231 00:09:32,481 --> 00:09:35,849 No, dick for brains. My birth control device. 232 00:09:35,851 --> 00:09:37,017 What, you mean that your... 233 00:09:37,019 --> 00:09:38,784 Baby factory's open for business. 234 00:09:38,786 --> 00:09:40,052 - Oh, my God! - (BOX CLATTERS) 235 00:09:40,054 --> 00:09:43,322 - (VANESSA LAUGHS) - Oh, my God! I want a boy! 236 00:09:43,324 --> 00:09:46,393 Or a little girl! Definitely one or the other! 237 00:09:46,395 --> 00:09:50,028 Oh! And I want our kid to have only one name. 238 00:09:50,030 --> 00:09:53,166 Like Cher or Todd. 239 00:09:53,168 --> 00:09:55,000 You gotta put a baby in me first, cowboy. 240 00:09:55,002 --> 00:09:56,269 Yes, I do. 241 00:09:56,271 --> 00:09:57,970 Let's watch some porn and show that bed who's boss. 242 00:09:57,972 --> 00:09:59,308 Let's do that. 243 00:10:00,042 --> 00:10:02,142 ♪ Papa... 244 00:10:02,144 --> 00:10:04,613 ♪ Can you hear me? 245 00:10:06,113 --> 00:10:08,513 ♪ Papa, can you see me? ♪ 246 00:10:08,515 --> 00:10:11,120 Does this song sound familiar to you? 247 00:10:13,355 --> 00:10:15,321 May. 248 00:10:15,323 --> 00:10:19,294 Connor, if it's a boy. May, if it's a girl. 249 00:10:20,060 --> 00:10:21,827 (CHUCKLES) 250 00:10:21,829 --> 00:10:24,163 - So weird. - (LAUGHS) 251 00:10:24,165 --> 00:10:26,835 Family was always an F-word to me. 252 00:10:28,135 --> 00:10:32,538 My pile of shit father took off and bailed. 253 00:10:32,540 --> 00:10:34,941 I mean, it's not like I have a lot of strong role models 254 00:10:34,943 --> 00:10:37,246 to draw off of for Todd. 255 00:10:37,913 --> 00:10:39,281 Hey. 256 00:10:39,648 --> 00:10:40,850 Look at me. 257 00:10:41,817 --> 00:10:44,186 You are not your father. 258 00:10:45,587 --> 00:10:46,753 Besides... 259 00:10:46,755 --> 00:10:51,827 I will never, ever let our child be named Todd. 260 00:10:52,827 --> 00:10:53,893 But here's the thing, 261 00:10:53,895 --> 00:10:55,762 isn't that how it always works? 262 00:10:55,764 --> 00:10:57,229 Like in Star Wars, 263 00:10:57,231 --> 00:11:00,133 men are destined to become their father... 264 00:11:00,135 --> 00:11:03,168 and then have consensual sex with their sister? 265 00:11:03,170 --> 00:11:06,372 I think you missed big, big chunks of that movie. 266 00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:08,774 No, I'm pretty sure Luke nailed her. 267 00:11:08,776 --> 00:11:11,010 Baby, that's Empire. 268 00:11:11,012 --> 00:11:13,581 The point is, kids... 269 00:11:14,817 --> 00:11:18,350 they give us a chance to be better than we are. 270 00:11:18,352 --> 00:11:21,120 Better than we used to be. 271 00:11:21,122 --> 00:11:24,557 You're a lot smarter than I look. 272 00:11:24,559 --> 00:11:27,393 I'm gonna go make dessert. And then... 273 00:11:27,395 --> 00:11:29,397 let's make a super baby. 274 00:11:31,766 --> 00:11:35,502 VANESSA: What about Krystal? But with a "K"? 275 00:11:35,504 --> 00:11:37,235 - (TIMER TICKING) - It's too stripper-y. 276 00:11:37,237 --> 00:11:39,004 Kevin with a "K"! 277 00:11:39,006 --> 00:11:41,242 No, too stripper-y, too. 278 00:11:41,742 --> 00:11:43,442 Uh, Earl! 279 00:11:43,444 --> 00:11:45,946 (IN SLOW MOTION) He's gonna go straight to jail 280 00:11:45,948 --> 00:11:48,114 if we name him Earl. 281 00:11:48,116 --> 00:11:50,285 What about Bruce? 282 00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:52,551 No. 283 00:11:52,553 --> 00:11:53,753 Get down. 284 00:11:53,755 --> 00:11:54,957 - What? - (GUN FIRES) 285 00:11:57,693 --> 00:11:59,461 (ALL GRUNTING) 286 00:12:03,832 --> 00:12:06,268 (GUN FIRING) 287 00:12:17,279 --> 00:12:19,812 Baby? Baby? 288 00:12:19,814 --> 00:12:21,816 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 289 00:12:22,784 --> 00:12:24,584 I'm okay. 290 00:12:24,586 --> 00:12:27,085 Thank God I didn't have to use the cream cheese spreader. 291 00:12:27,087 --> 00:12:28,756 - (BOTH PANTING) - (GASPS) 292 00:12:47,708 --> 00:12:49,611 (INAUDIBLE) 293 00:13:01,990 --> 00:13:03,424 (MOUTHING) Please. 294 00:13:08,130 --> 00:13:10,029 Please. Please. 295 00:13:10,031 --> 00:13:13,200 Baby, I'm so sorry. 296 00:13:13,202 --> 00:13:14,770 No! 297 00:13:20,574 --> 00:13:22,340 FRED: Wait. Wait a minute. 298 00:13:22,342 --> 00:13:23,942 You fridged Vanessa? 299 00:13:23,944 --> 00:13:26,513 Uh, "fridged." I don't know what that means. 300 00:13:26,515 --> 00:13:27,814 It's a comic book trope, 301 00:13:27,816 --> 00:13:29,582 in which the wife or the girlfriend of the hero dies... 302 00:13:29,584 --> 00:13:32,518 in order to further said hero's motivation or story. 303 00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:34,519 Well, that sounds misogynistic. 304 00:13:34,521 --> 00:13:36,189 Yeah. It reduces the woman to a plot device... 305 00:13:36,191 --> 00:13:37,824 existing in the film for no other reason 306 00:13:37,826 --> 00:13:40,127 than to serve as a source of pain for the hero. 307 00:13:40,129 --> 00:13:43,330 (GASPS) Like Mufasa in The Lion King. 308 00:13:43,332 --> 00:13:45,965 Yeah, that's right, like Mufasa from The Lion King. 309 00:13:45,967 --> 00:13:46,968 You got it. 310 00:13:49,571 --> 00:13:50,572 (DINGS) 311 00:14:02,183 --> 00:14:03,751 (PANTING) 312 00:14:08,155 --> 00:14:10,592 - (HORN BLARING) - (GRUNTS) 313 00:14:14,194 --> 00:14:15,997 (TIRES SCREECHING) 314 00:14:26,207 --> 00:14:27,409 (THUNDER RUMBLES) 315 00:14:29,244 --> 00:14:31,444 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 316 00:14:31,446 --> 00:14:32,715 (ENGINE STALLING) 317 00:14:35,350 --> 00:14:37,052 (YELLS) 318 00:14:56,170 --> 00:14:58,039 (MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING) 319 00:15:02,276 --> 00:15:04,145 (THUNDER RUMBLING) 320 00:15:06,948 --> 00:15:08,549 (HORN BLARES) 321 00:15:20,629 --> 00:15:23,599 ♪ Papa, can you hear me? 322 00:15:24,531 --> 00:15:25,864 Is it just me, or does 323 00:15:25,866 --> 00:15:27,933 Do You Want to Build a Snowman? from Frozen... 324 00:15:27,935 --> 00:15:29,301 sound suspiciously like 325 00:15:29,303 --> 00:15:31,037 Papa, Can You Hear Me? from Yentl? 326 00:15:31,039 --> 00:15:32,439 (SNIFFLES) 327 00:15:32,441 --> 00:15:34,441 ♪ Papa, can you hear me? ♪ 328 00:15:34,443 --> 00:15:36,975 Wade, you've been here for three days, okay? 329 00:15:36,977 --> 00:15:38,210 Go home, take a shower. 330 00:15:38,212 --> 00:15:39,479 You smell like 331 00:15:39,481 --> 00:15:41,413 Rush Limbaugh's couch cushions after Shark Week. 332 00:15:41,415 --> 00:15:43,048 I love Frozen. 333 00:15:43,050 --> 00:15:46,585 I loved her. I loved her like an ocean loves water. 334 00:15:46,587 --> 00:15:47,986 An ocean is water. 335 00:15:47,988 --> 00:15:53,026 More importantly, I liked her. I really liked her, you know? 336 00:15:53,028 --> 00:15:55,497 George Michael was right. I'm never gonna dance again. 337 00:15:55,862 --> 00:15:57,430 Oh, God. 338 00:15:57,432 --> 00:15:58,967 He's dead, too. 339 00:16:00,068 --> 00:16:01,500 At least we still have Bowie. 340 00:16:01,502 --> 00:16:03,168 Mr. Pool, David Bowie is... 341 00:16:03,170 --> 00:16:04,369 Uh, uh, uh... 342 00:16:04,371 --> 00:16:06,339 ...still with us. 343 00:16:06,341 --> 00:16:08,610 We do. We still have Bowie. 344 00:16:09,077 --> 00:16:10,343 I'm sorry. 345 00:16:10,345 --> 00:16:11,676 Shot after shot, 346 00:16:11,678 --> 00:16:13,579 it's not gonna change the fact that I think you're... 347 00:16:13,581 --> 00:16:15,080 Are you pissing? Are you urinating right now? 348 00:16:15,082 --> 00:16:18,118 You're making the face that you make when you urinate. 349 00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:20,018 - Is he pissing? - I'm on it! 350 00:16:20,020 --> 00:16:21,388 There you go, Dopinder. 351 00:16:21,390 --> 00:16:23,122 If you want to be a contract killer... 352 00:16:23,124 --> 00:16:25,792 you gotta handle a mop before you handle a gun. 353 00:16:25,794 --> 00:16:27,060 Although I don't quite understand 354 00:16:27,062 --> 00:16:28,195 how they are at all similar. 355 00:16:28,197 --> 00:16:30,832 Well, they both have handles. Now, leave me. 356 00:16:31,566 --> 00:16:33,132 Go home, Wade. 357 00:16:33,134 --> 00:16:35,938 I don't have a home, Weas, you know. I got a... 358 00:16:37,005 --> 00:16:38,838 Okay, I'm fine. 359 00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:39,705 I'm fine. 360 00:16:39,707 --> 00:16:41,474 You know what "fine" stands for, Wade? 361 00:16:41,476 --> 00:16:45,277 F'd up, insecure, needy, and emotional. 362 00:16:45,279 --> 00:16:46,814 According to the... 363 00:16:48,049 --> 00:16:49,349 - Kubler-Ross. - Yeah. 364 00:16:49,351 --> 00:16:50,950 According to the Kubler-Ross model... 365 00:16:50,952 --> 00:16:54,287 denial is just one of the five stages of grief. 366 00:16:54,289 --> 00:16:56,589 Jesus Christ, Buck! 367 00:16:56,591 --> 00:16:58,894 No more speaking lines for you. 368 00:17:01,096 --> 00:17:02,760 (LAUGHING) 369 00:17:02,762 --> 00:17:05,631 (JACK BENNY SCATTING ON RADIO) 370 00:17:05,633 --> 00:17:07,102 (COMEDY SERIES PLAYING ON RADIO) 371 00:17:21,850 --> 00:17:23,584 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON RADIO) 372 00:17:26,653 --> 00:17:28,087 "I'm thinking it over!" 373 00:17:28,089 --> 00:17:29,725 Mother... 374 00:17:31,159 --> 00:17:32,159 (SIGHS IN RELIEF) 375 00:17:32,761 --> 00:17:34,561 The hell you doin' here? 376 00:17:34,563 --> 00:17:36,529 Don't you know how to knock? 377 00:17:36,531 --> 00:17:38,497 I thought you saw me... 378 00:17:38,499 --> 00:17:39,965 with your ears. 379 00:17:39,967 --> 00:17:41,266 You're lucky I didn't shoot you in the... 380 00:17:41,268 --> 00:17:42,369 The wall? 381 00:17:42,371 --> 00:17:45,908 The refrigerator? I'm in so much pain. 382 00:17:48,509 --> 00:17:50,209 BLIND AL: I heard the news, sweetie. 383 00:17:50,211 --> 00:17:52,311 I'm very sorry. I am. 384 00:17:52,313 --> 00:17:54,280 What am I gonna do, Al? 385 00:17:54,282 --> 00:17:56,585 Probably something terrible. 386 00:17:57,185 --> 00:17:58,517 Knowing you. 387 00:17:58,519 --> 00:18:00,154 It was my fault. 388 00:18:01,421 --> 00:18:03,756 I did this. 389 00:18:03,758 --> 00:18:05,824 And all I wanna do is grab her and see her 390 00:18:05,826 --> 00:18:08,130 and tell her that I'm sorry, and I can't. 391 00:18:09,930 --> 00:18:11,731 She's gone. 392 00:18:11,733 --> 00:18:14,367 Now, look, sugar. You need to just keep living. 393 00:18:14,369 --> 00:18:15,533 Thank you... 394 00:18:15,535 --> 00:18:18,771 Matthew McConaughey, your words are a treasure. 395 00:18:18,773 --> 00:18:20,705 Listen to the pain. 396 00:18:20,707 --> 00:18:23,676 It's both history teacher and fortune teller. 397 00:18:23,678 --> 00:18:27,213 Pain teaches us who we are, Wade. 398 00:18:27,215 --> 00:18:31,150 Sometimes it's so bad, we feel like we're dying. 399 00:18:31,152 --> 00:18:34,689 But we can't really live till we've died a little, can we? 400 00:18:39,361 --> 00:18:40,896 DEADPOOL: Precious, aren't they? 401 00:18:41,396 --> 00:18:42,829 Whoa! 402 00:18:42,831 --> 00:18:44,463 Are you a superhero? 403 00:18:44,465 --> 00:18:46,198 You bet your pigtails, sweetie. 404 00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:47,667 What's your name? 405 00:18:47,669 --> 00:18:49,635 Captain Delicious Pants. 406 00:18:49,637 --> 00:18:53,406 Who's Captain Delicious Pants? 407 00:18:53,408 --> 00:18:55,043 - (KIDS SCREAMING) - (ANIMAL GROWLING) 408 00:18:58,913 --> 00:19:00,146 No, no, no. Come on, hey. 409 00:19:00,148 --> 00:19:02,481 There's, like, a hundred benches around here. 410 00:19:02,483 --> 00:19:04,250 Go find another... Beat it. 411 00:19:04,252 --> 00:19:05,885 It's a free country. 412 00:19:05,887 --> 00:19:08,788 You're right. It is a free country. 413 00:19:08,790 --> 00:19:11,991 Hey, I want to just say, I loved your work in Up. 414 00:19:11,993 --> 00:19:13,059 I'm sorry? 415 00:19:13,061 --> 00:19:14,260 (CHUCKLES) No. 416 00:19:14,262 --> 00:19:16,295 (COCKS GUN) I'm sorry. 417 00:19:16,297 --> 00:19:17,362 Whoa! 418 00:19:17,364 --> 00:19:19,064 What? You don't like Up? 419 00:19:19,066 --> 00:19:21,301 There's gotta be some way to die. 420 00:19:21,303 --> 00:19:23,336 I just need to die harder. 421 00:19:23,338 --> 00:19:24,640 Trademark Fox. 422 00:19:33,215 --> 00:19:35,250 (OVERLAPPING VOICES) 423 00:19:40,987 --> 00:19:42,990 WADE: Your crazy matches my crazy. 424 00:19:45,426 --> 00:19:46,895 WADE: Skee-Ball token. 425 00:19:49,163 --> 00:19:50,931 (VOICES ECHOING) 426 00:19:54,901 --> 00:19:56,936 VANESSA: I love you, Wade Wilson. 427 00:19:56,938 --> 00:19:58,340 (GASPS) 428 00:19:59,306 --> 00:20:00,842 WADE: Ness? 429 00:20:02,209 --> 00:20:03,311 Ness? 430 00:20:04,178 --> 00:20:05,711 Ness. 431 00:20:05,713 --> 00:20:08,417 Ness, there's something here. I can't get to you. 432 00:20:10,051 --> 00:20:12,717 Your heart's not in the right place. 433 00:20:12,719 --> 00:20:15,253 (STAMMERS) Wait, hold on. What? 434 00:20:15,255 --> 00:20:17,523 Your heart's not in the right place. 435 00:20:17,525 --> 00:20:18,757 Wait. What do you mean 436 00:20:18,759 --> 00:20:20,126 my heart's not in the right place? What does it... 437 00:20:20,128 --> 00:20:21,026 (TIMER TICKING) 438 00:20:21,028 --> 00:20:23,228 Turns out, I can die a little. 439 00:20:23,230 --> 00:20:24,664 I just can't stay dead. 440 00:20:24,666 --> 00:20:25,867 (TIMER DINGS) 441 00:20:41,483 --> 00:20:44,953 I'm terribly sorry for your loss, Wade. You're broken. 442 00:20:46,621 --> 00:20:48,857 DEADPOOL: Oh... I know that voice. 443 00:20:52,860 --> 00:20:54,627 DEADPOOL: "Heart's in the right place." 444 00:20:54,629 --> 00:20:56,094 "Heart's in the..." What does that mean? 445 00:20:56,096 --> 00:20:57,964 You've been sleep for three days. 446 00:20:57,966 --> 00:20:59,799 I took a liberty of dressing you. 447 00:20:59,801 --> 00:21:01,333 DEADPOOL: No kidding. 448 00:21:01,335 --> 00:21:03,101 Why can't I finally die? 449 00:21:03,103 --> 00:21:04,771 COLOSSUS: Take your mask off, Wade. 450 00:21:04,773 --> 00:21:06,539 We must talk. 451 00:21:06,541 --> 00:21:08,774 - You need fresh start. - (GROANS) 452 00:21:08,776 --> 00:21:11,276 With training, you can be X-Man. 453 00:21:11,278 --> 00:21:13,611 You're wasting your time, Shiny Jesus. 454 00:21:13,613 --> 00:21:14,879 I'm not X-Man material. 455 00:21:14,881 --> 00:21:16,751 Understatement of the year. 456 00:21:17,118 --> 00:21:18,120 Wade, Yukio. 457 00:21:18,486 --> 00:21:20,452 Yukio, Wade. 458 00:21:20,454 --> 00:21:22,687 What in the fudgcicle is this? 459 00:21:22,689 --> 00:21:25,123 She's my girlfriend, you intolerant... 460 00:21:25,125 --> 00:21:27,092 Whoa! Pump the hate brakes, Fox & Friends. 461 00:21:27,094 --> 00:21:29,028 I'm just surprised anyone would date you. 462 00:21:29,030 --> 00:21:31,863 Especially Pinkie Pie from My Little Pony. 463 00:21:31,865 --> 00:21:33,898 I like this guy. 464 00:21:33,900 --> 00:21:35,834 Give him a chance. 465 00:21:35,836 --> 00:21:37,035 It's great seeing you like this. 466 00:21:37,037 --> 00:21:39,274 (LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) Yeah. 467 00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:40,939 Bye, Wade! 468 00:21:40,941 --> 00:21:43,542 Now, some ground rules while under our roof. 469 00:21:43,544 --> 00:21:46,579 "Rule number one. No killing... 470 00:21:46,581 --> 00:21:49,881 "anyone ever, no matter how bad. 471 00:21:49,883 --> 00:21:52,717 "Rule two. Label everything in refrigerator." 472 00:21:52,719 --> 00:21:53,921 Wade? 473 00:21:54,621 --> 00:21:55,687 Wade? 474 00:21:55,689 --> 00:21:56,755 Wade! 475 00:21:56,757 --> 00:21:58,757 Don't try to chase me. 476 00:21:58,759 --> 00:22:01,060 (WHISPERS) I'm not ready to be touched again. 477 00:22:01,062 --> 00:22:03,294 All these elderly white men on the walls... 478 00:22:03,296 --> 00:22:05,264 Should have brought my rape whistle. 479 00:22:05,266 --> 00:22:06,331 (OBJECTS SHATTERING) 480 00:22:06,333 --> 00:22:09,167 Those were already damaged after they fell there! 481 00:22:09,169 --> 00:22:10,969 What am I supposed to do around here, anyway? 482 00:22:10,971 --> 00:22:13,205 Sit in a share circle, talk about my feelings? 483 00:22:13,207 --> 00:22:16,341 And how would I do that exactly? 484 00:22:16,343 --> 00:22:18,844 'Cause where the hell is everyone? 485 00:22:18,846 --> 00:22:20,012 It's always just you 486 00:22:20,014 --> 00:22:21,580 and Negasonic Teenage Longest Name Ever... 487 00:22:21,582 --> 00:22:22,648 Enough! 488 00:22:22,650 --> 00:22:24,486 (GASPS) I said no touching! 489 00:22:28,922 --> 00:22:31,623 You'd think the studio would throw us a bone. 490 00:22:31,625 --> 00:22:33,928 One that doesn't end up in my mouth. 491 00:22:34,963 --> 00:22:36,195 The first movie made more money 492 00:22:36,197 --> 00:22:38,531 than the guy who invented pants. 493 00:22:38,533 --> 00:22:40,934 They can't just dust off one of the famous X-Men? 494 00:22:40,936 --> 00:22:43,068 How 'bout that putz with the giant pigeon wings? 495 00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:44,235 What do those do anyway, huh? 496 00:22:44,237 --> 00:22:45,772 Carry him three feet off the ground 497 00:22:45,774 --> 00:22:47,939 to snatch up the nearest muffin crumb? 498 00:22:47,941 --> 00:22:50,109 - (DOORS CLOSE) - No, no, no! 499 00:22:50,111 --> 00:22:53,078 I am not X-Man material at all. 500 00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:55,481 First off... (BREATHES DEEPLY) 501 00:22:55,483 --> 00:22:57,953 I'm not even a virgin. Second and more... (GROANS) 502 00:22:58,451 --> 00:22:59,885 (GRUNTS) 503 00:22:59,887 --> 00:23:00,986 I should have left you 504 00:23:00,988 --> 00:23:02,855 in the self-pity mess I found you in. 505 00:23:02,857 --> 00:23:05,891 But this is what friends do. They show up! 506 00:23:05,893 --> 00:23:07,926 Not when convenient or easy. 507 00:23:07,928 --> 00:23:12,231 When hard, and you always make it hard. 508 00:23:12,233 --> 00:23:14,899 - (BREATHING HEAVILY) - You are unwell. 509 00:23:14,901 --> 00:23:17,102 I'm sticking my neck out bringing you here. 510 00:23:17,104 --> 00:23:18,971 (STRAINING) Wait. One of the assholes 511 00:23:18,973 --> 00:23:20,508 who killed Vanessa got away. 512 00:23:21,342 --> 00:23:22,343 (GRUNTS) 513 00:23:22,977 --> 00:23:25,144 Oh, Jesus Christ! 514 00:23:25,146 --> 00:23:27,179 I thought you were gonna kiss me for a second there. 515 00:23:27,181 --> 00:23:29,080 Please know I wouldn't be able to stop you if you did. 516 00:23:29,082 --> 00:23:31,250 Wade, whoever they are... 517 00:23:31,252 --> 00:23:33,718 we track them down and bring them to justice. 518 00:23:33,720 --> 00:23:35,189 It was me. 519 00:23:38,258 --> 00:23:40,127 I'm the asshole who got away. 520 00:23:41,027 --> 00:23:44,029 I killed every last one of them, except me. 521 00:23:44,031 --> 00:23:46,001 Couldn't kill me. 522 00:23:49,035 --> 00:23:51,238 We were gonna start a family. 523 00:23:52,841 --> 00:23:54,974 We were, uh... (SNIFFLES) 524 00:23:54,976 --> 00:23:56,042 (CLEARS THROAT) 525 00:23:56,044 --> 00:23:58,644 We were gonna be a family. 526 00:23:58,646 --> 00:23:59,779 COLOSSUS: Wade... 527 00:23:59,781 --> 00:24:02,617 Vanessa is gone. She's not coming back. 528 00:24:04,084 --> 00:24:06,586 This may not be family you want... 529 00:24:06,588 --> 00:24:08,954 but it's family you need. 530 00:24:08,956 --> 00:24:10,222 You have a good heart. 531 00:24:10,224 --> 00:24:12,060 It belongs here where it can grow. 532 00:24:13,694 --> 00:24:15,363 What did you say? 533 00:24:16,730 --> 00:24:18,198 About my heart? 534 00:24:22,236 --> 00:24:23,602 (EXHALES) 535 00:24:23,604 --> 00:24:25,606 I think I'm in the right place. 536 00:24:34,814 --> 00:24:36,484 (GRUNTS) 537 00:25:09,917 --> 00:25:11,386 (INAUDIBLE) 538 00:25:14,588 --> 00:25:16,224 (SCREAMING) 539 00:25:18,993 --> 00:25:20,126 FRED: Whoa! 540 00:25:20,128 --> 00:25:23,361 Cable? You got Cable? 541 00:25:23,363 --> 00:25:24,496 If I didn't know any better, 542 00:25:24,498 --> 00:25:26,498 I'd say that you're getting into this. 543 00:25:26,500 --> 00:25:27,765 You know Cable? 544 00:25:27,767 --> 00:25:30,702 Uh, the biological son of Cyclops and Madelyne Pryor... 545 00:25:30,704 --> 00:25:31,870 Jean Grey's clone. 546 00:25:31,872 --> 00:25:33,939 Half-brother to Rachel Summers and Nate Grey. 547 00:25:33,941 --> 00:25:35,174 Raised as the Askani's son, 548 00:25:35,176 --> 00:25:36,475 and genetic template for Stryfe. 549 00:25:36,477 --> 00:25:38,144 From a possible alternate timeline... 550 00:25:38,146 --> 00:25:40,279 having been taken as an infant to the future... 551 00:25:40,281 --> 00:25:41,947 and infected with a techno-organic virus. 552 00:25:41,949 --> 00:25:44,050 I hope you have given this deeply-nuanced 553 00:25:44,052 --> 00:25:46,388 and richly-layered backstory its due. 554 00:25:51,257 --> 00:25:54,326 Yeah, we're covering the time travel stuff. 555 00:25:54,328 --> 00:25:55,895 INSTRUCTOR: We have eight weeks of boot camp 556 00:25:55,897 --> 00:25:56,962 ahead of us, men. 557 00:25:56,964 --> 00:25:58,830 That'll get us toned and prepared 558 00:25:58,832 --> 00:26:00,168 for all matter of combat. 559 00:26:02,169 --> 00:26:06,304 Not working out at all. 560 00:26:06,306 --> 00:26:10,377 Masking tape. It is no friend to chilled aluminum. 561 00:26:11,644 --> 00:26:12,744 Velcro. 562 00:26:12,746 --> 00:26:14,815 Color-coded. Efficient. Environmentally friendly. 563 00:26:15,582 --> 00:26:16,849 Who's he talking to? 564 00:26:16,851 --> 00:26:18,783 And why is he dressed like a registered sex offender? 565 00:26:18,785 --> 00:26:20,519 Can we focus for a moment, ladies? 566 00:26:20,521 --> 00:26:22,588 Please, we need to talk about next month's meal plan. 567 00:26:22,590 --> 00:26:24,956 Obviously, everyone hated the ceviche. 568 00:26:24,958 --> 00:26:26,324 I read the suggestion box. That's on me. 569 00:26:26,326 --> 00:26:27,859 I'm gonna stop you right there. 570 00:26:27,861 --> 00:26:30,128 I see through this weak act. 571 00:26:30,130 --> 00:26:34,600 You may have fooled Colossus with this nice guy shit... 572 00:26:34,602 --> 00:26:35,801 but not me. 573 00:26:35,803 --> 00:26:36,968 Don't be mean. 574 00:26:36,970 --> 00:26:38,102 Back off, NTW. 575 00:26:38,104 --> 00:26:39,237 WADE: No, no, no. 576 00:26:39,239 --> 00:26:40,571 No, let her go. 577 00:26:40,573 --> 00:26:43,275 Let her go. It's okay. She has a right to be skeptical. 578 00:26:43,277 --> 00:26:46,180 Look at me. I'm an easy target. 579 00:26:47,081 --> 00:26:48,214 You know, historically, 580 00:26:48,216 --> 00:26:50,448 mischief has been my mistress... 581 00:26:50,450 --> 00:26:53,587 so I understand, you know. But I like to think that... 582 00:26:54,721 --> 00:26:58,223 well, you guys have really rubbed off on me. 583 00:26:58,225 --> 00:27:00,661 I like to think that I've rubbed off around you too. 584 00:27:00,961 --> 00:27:02,194 A lot. 585 00:27:02,196 --> 00:27:04,995 And for the first time in a long while... 586 00:27:04,997 --> 00:27:06,567 I like me. 587 00:27:08,235 --> 00:27:09,601 I accept your apology. 588 00:27:09,603 --> 00:27:10,836 I never apologized. 589 00:27:10,838 --> 00:27:12,303 I was talking to your heart. 590 00:27:12,305 --> 00:27:14,705 See? You're not lost cause you thought. 591 00:27:14,707 --> 00:27:18,109 I'm proud. You're everything I knew you can be. 592 00:27:18,111 --> 00:27:20,111 Thank you, Colossus. 593 00:27:20,113 --> 00:27:21,914 Just trying to be the world's best X-Man. 594 00:27:21,916 --> 00:27:23,451 Sorry, X-Person. 595 00:27:24,951 --> 00:27:26,854 Hmm. Something wrong with the soap. 596 00:27:27,721 --> 00:27:29,921 It's fine. I just filled it. 597 00:27:29,923 --> 00:27:31,125 Give it a few more pumps there. 598 00:27:32,593 --> 00:27:37,061 Now, if you'll excuse me, it's dust bunny season... 599 00:27:37,063 --> 00:27:38,265 and I'm hunting wabbits. 600 00:27:38,832 --> 00:27:40,168 Bye, Wade. 601 00:27:45,273 --> 00:27:46,541 COLOSSUS: Wade. 602 00:27:47,006 --> 00:27:48,208 Wade. 603 00:27:48,842 --> 00:27:50,176 Wade! 604 00:27:50,178 --> 00:27:53,111 Hey, I was just taking Cerebro for a spin here... 605 00:27:53,113 --> 00:27:54,914 looking deep into the future. 606 00:27:54,916 --> 00:27:56,415 Phew. This thing... 607 00:27:56,417 --> 00:27:58,117 - That's not how Cerebro works. - That's not how Cerebro works. 608 00:27:58,119 --> 00:28:00,118 Yes. Yes, it is. 609 00:28:00,120 --> 00:28:01,888 - We have mission. - We have mission. 610 00:28:01,890 --> 00:28:03,856 We do. You do. 611 00:28:03,858 --> 00:28:05,123 You guys be safe out there. 612 00:28:05,125 --> 00:28:07,928 - No, I want you to join. - No, you want me to join. 613 00:28:09,630 --> 00:28:10,862 I'm sorry, what? 614 00:28:10,864 --> 00:28:11,897 You are ready. 615 00:28:11,899 --> 00:28:14,099 That's a terrible idea, and it's gonna end badly. 616 00:28:14,101 --> 00:28:15,703 Be at the X-Jet in five. 617 00:28:18,339 --> 00:28:20,805 REPORTER: Irene Merryweather, WHIT News. 618 00:28:20,807 --> 00:28:22,774 Live here at a breaking news situation 619 00:28:22,776 --> 00:28:25,578 at the Essex House for Mutant Rehabilitation. 620 00:28:25,580 --> 00:28:27,545 A mutant boy is appearing to have 621 00:28:27,547 --> 00:28:28,946 some sort of an incident... 622 00:28:28,948 --> 00:28:30,683 - with police here behind me. - RUSSELL: Get away from me! 623 00:28:30,685 --> 00:28:33,217 There are two police vehicles that are overturned. 624 00:28:33,219 --> 00:28:34,586 - Russell, calm down. - Freak off! 625 00:28:34,588 --> 00:28:35,855 REPORTER: A scene of absolute chaos here. 626 00:28:35,857 --> 00:28:37,122 OFFICER: Calm down. 627 00:28:37,124 --> 00:28:40,024 RUSSELL: I'll burn you! You stay back! 628 00:28:40,026 --> 00:28:41,292 Get away from me! 629 00:28:41,294 --> 00:28:42,496 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 630 00:28:57,411 --> 00:29:00,712 It appears as if the X-Men are arriving... 631 00:29:00,714 --> 00:29:01,746 DEADPOOL: Scatter! 632 00:29:01,748 --> 00:29:04,317 REPORTER: ...with what appears to be a trainee. 633 00:29:04,319 --> 00:29:07,352 DEADPOOL: Everyone, calm down! The pros are here. I... 634 00:29:07,354 --> 00:29:08,486 We're the X-Men! 635 00:29:08,488 --> 00:29:11,189 A dated metaphor for racism in the '60s. 636 00:29:11,191 --> 00:29:13,824 So, respect. 637 00:29:13,826 --> 00:29:15,229 At ease, Officer. 638 00:29:16,698 --> 00:29:18,696 What are you doing? 639 00:29:18,698 --> 00:29:19,764 My job! 640 00:29:19,766 --> 00:29:21,332 You're the one who said I was ready, 641 00:29:21,334 --> 00:29:22,734 and I frankly disagreed with you. 642 00:29:22,736 --> 00:29:25,337 But here we are, trying to overcome our differences. 643 00:29:25,339 --> 00:29:28,540 Like Beyonce says, "Please... 644 00:29:28,542 --> 00:29:30,076 "Please, stop cheating on me." 645 00:29:30,078 --> 00:29:31,209 OFFICER: Hey! 646 00:29:31,211 --> 00:29:32,543 This is the fifth incident. 647 00:29:32,545 --> 00:29:34,946 This kid needs to be in the Ice Box, not here. 648 00:29:34,948 --> 00:29:36,580 Russell belongs in our care. 649 00:29:36,582 --> 00:29:38,384 Not in prison. I assure you... 650 00:29:38,386 --> 00:29:39,517 we have everything under control. 651 00:29:39,519 --> 00:29:40,819 RUSSELL: Stay back! I'll burn you! 652 00:29:40,821 --> 00:29:42,020 Not getting a real 653 00:29:42,022 --> 00:29:44,122 "under control" vibe here, Marty. 654 00:29:44,124 --> 00:29:46,192 - It is Glen, isn't it? - Daniel. 655 00:29:46,194 --> 00:29:47,525 I'll ask the questions, Miguel. 656 00:29:47,527 --> 00:29:48,860 Let me talk to the kid. 657 00:29:48,862 --> 00:29:53,634 You stay here with your weird, secret sex lips. 658 00:29:54,935 --> 00:29:56,134 RUSSELL: You wanna die? 659 00:29:56,136 --> 00:29:57,336 DEADPOOL: This kid's adorable. 660 00:29:57,338 --> 00:29:58,336 I don't know why I packed the hollow points. 661 00:29:58,338 --> 00:29:59,839 I'll burn your arms off! 662 00:29:59,841 --> 00:30:02,644 First day. (CHUCKLING) I'm so nervous! 663 00:30:03,343 --> 00:30:04,946 Did you just say "hollow points"? 664 00:30:05,513 --> 00:30:06,712 Yeah, probably should've 665 00:30:06,714 --> 00:30:08,582 brought a Super Soaker. (LAUGHS) 666 00:30:09,082 --> 00:30:10,485 Hi, there! 667 00:30:11,319 --> 00:30:13,753 Stay back or Justin Bieber dies! 668 00:30:13,755 --> 00:30:18,290 (LAUGHS) Justin Bieber. He called you Justin Bieber. 669 00:30:18,292 --> 00:30:20,425 - (RUSSELL GRUNTS) - Hold on! Wait, wait, wait! 670 00:30:20,427 --> 00:30:23,529 Okay, let's not do whatever that is. 671 00:30:23,531 --> 00:30:25,129 Okay? Let's just talk! 672 00:30:25,131 --> 00:30:26,898 It's Russell, right? 673 00:30:26,900 --> 00:30:28,934 - Firefist. - Firefist. 674 00:30:28,936 --> 00:30:31,369 Ooh, that's a great name. Where does it burn? 675 00:30:31,371 --> 00:30:33,171 Just the fist, or all the way up to the elbow? 676 00:30:33,974 --> 00:30:34,976 (GRUNTS) 677 00:30:36,444 --> 00:30:37,542 (CROWD EXCLAIMS) 678 00:30:37,544 --> 00:30:39,778 Definitely all the way up to the elbow. 679 00:30:39,780 --> 00:30:42,981 Come quietly, or there will be trouble. 680 00:30:42,983 --> 00:30:46,252 - You stole that from Robocop! - That's from Robocop! 681 00:30:46,254 --> 00:30:47,785 Just stand down! 682 00:30:47,787 --> 00:30:49,990 You're embarrassing me. Look, Fire... 683 00:30:50,323 --> 00:30:51,525 (LAUGHS) 684 00:30:52,493 --> 00:30:54,725 I can't say it! I'm so sorry! 685 00:30:54,727 --> 00:30:55,961 (GRUNTS) 686 00:30:55,963 --> 00:30:57,598 (ALL SCREAMING) 687 00:30:58,398 --> 00:31:02,435 Oh, my gosh! That does it! 688 00:31:02,437 --> 00:31:03,968 Put your hands behind your knees 689 00:31:03,970 --> 00:31:05,471 and get down on your head! Now! 690 00:31:05,473 --> 00:31:07,673 Wade! What was first rule? 691 00:31:07,675 --> 00:31:09,675 Label everything in the refrigerator! 692 00:31:09,677 --> 00:31:12,444 - Do not escalate! - Rules are meant to be broken! 693 00:31:12,446 --> 00:31:14,013 COLOSSUS: That's the exact opposite 694 00:31:14,015 --> 00:31:15,515 of what they're meant for! 695 00:31:16,249 --> 00:31:18,248 Come on! Fine! 696 00:31:18,250 --> 00:31:19,685 I'll start from the beginning. 697 00:31:19,687 --> 00:31:22,353 My name is Deadpool, and I'm an X-Man. 698 00:31:22,355 --> 00:31:24,691 - Trainee! - Shut it! 699 00:31:25,226 --> 00:31:27,661 Look, I get it. 700 00:31:28,595 --> 00:31:30,928 All right, you're scared. 701 00:31:30,930 --> 00:31:32,030 Alone. 702 00:31:32,032 --> 00:31:33,131 You got no family. 703 00:31:33,133 --> 00:31:34,198 I didn't have a family, either. 704 00:31:34,200 --> 00:31:35,833 You live in this dump. Guess what? 705 00:31:35,835 --> 00:31:38,536 I used to live in a shithole just like it. 706 00:31:38,538 --> 00:31:41,072 But you know something? To make matters worse... 707 00:31:41,074 --> 00:31:42,940 it's a confusing time in your life right now. 708 00:31:42,942 --> 00:31:46,677 Your body is going through some fiery changes. 709 00:31:46,679 --> 00:31:48,646 Too far? I went too far, didn't I? 710 00:31:48,648 --> 00:31:49,917 - (GRUNTS) - (ALL EXCLAIM) 711 00:31:56,023 --> 00:31:58,057 That was effervescent. 712 00:31:58,059 --> 00:32:00,292 (SIGHS) Stay in school, kid. 713 00:32:00,294 --> 00:32:02,293 Or don't. I didn't. 714 00:32:02,295 --> 00:32:03,995 - And I'm an X-Man. - (THUDS) 715 00:32:03,997 --> 00:32:05,531 Trainee. 716 00:32:05,533 --> 00:32:07,834 Superhero landing coming up! 717 00:32:09,803 --> 00:32:10,804 (GRUNTS) 718 00:32:12,139 --> 00:32:14,942 (GROANS) Ouch, ouch, ouch! Oh, God, that hurts. 719 00:32:15,574 --> 00:32:16,811 - (GRUNTS) - (GASPS) 720 00:32:18,446 --> 00:32:19,746 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 721 00:32:25,319 --> 00:32:26,521 (GROANS) 722 00:32:30,323 --> 00:32:31,993 (CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING) 723 00:32:35,795 --> 00:32:37,795 I could get used to this X-Man shit. 724 00:32:37,797 --> 00:32:39,097 NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD: Trainee! 725 00:32:39,099 --> 00:32:40,064 DEADPOOL: Trainee! 726 00:32:40,066 --> 00:32:42,000 OFFICER: Get a power restraint on him. Now! 727 00:32:42,002 --> 00:32:45,473 DEADPOOL: Calm down, squirt. It's over. We got ya. 728 00:32:46,140 --> 00:32:47,205 (DEVICE WHIRRS) 729 00:32:47,207 --> 00:32:48,673 What's that do? 730 00:32:48,675 --> 00:32:50,309 Power-dampening collar. 731 00:32:50,311 --> 00:32:51,609 Shuts down all mutant abilities. 732 00:32:51,611 --> 00:32:54,446 You can't get it off. Unless you've got a grenade. 733 00:32:54,448 --> 00:32:57,549 Huh. Could've used one of those in the first act. 734 00:32:57,551 --> 00:32:58,953 HEADMASTER: Thank you! 735 00:33:00,553 --> 00:33:03,054 That was absolutely thrilling. 736 00:33:03,056 --> 00:33:05,189 True heroism in action. 737 00:33:05,191 --> 00:33:07,425 We are in your debt. 738 00:33:07,427 --> 00:33:09,360 We can take it from here. 739 00:33:09,362 --> 00:33:11,562 Take me to the Ice Box, please! 740 00:33:11,564 --> 00:33:13,032 Anywhere's better than here. 741 00:33:13,034 --> 00:33:13,998 DEADPOOL: Believe me, son, 742 00:33:14,000 --> 00:33:15,667 you do not wanna go to the Ice Box. 743 00:33:15,669 --> 00:33:17,703 Let's get you inside, young man. 744 00:33:17,705 --> 00:33:19,638 No, wait, wait. Wait. 745 00:33:19,640 --> 00:33:21,242 You guys stay there. 746 00:33:30,050 --> 00:33:31,919 Those guys hurt you? 747 00:33:33,219 --> 00:33:34,255 Who? 748 00:33:36,290 --> 00:33:39,060 Baldilocks? Jared Kushner? 749 00:33:40,427 --> 00:33:42,029 Both of 'em? 750 00:33:46,132 --> 00:33:47,398 Ah, screw it. 751 00:33:47,400 --> 00:33:49,067 Four or five moments! 752 00:33:49,069 --> 00:33:50,135 I'm sorry? 753 00:33:50,137 --> 00:33:53,508 Four or five moments! 754 00:33:54,507 --> 00:33:57,511 That's all it takes to be a hero. 755 00:33:58,344 --> 00:34:00,611 People think you wake up a hero... 756 00:34:00,613 --> 00:34:02,781 brush your teeth a hero... 757 00:34:02,783 --> 00:34:05,684 make love to a soap dispenser a hero. 758 00:34:05,686 --> 00:34:07,019 (SPEAKS RUSSIAN) 759 00:34:07,021 --> 00:34:11,025 But, no, being a hero takes only a few moments! 760 00:34:12,292 --> 00:34:13,924 A few moments... 761 00:34:13,926 --> 00:34:16,795 doing the ugly stuff no one else will do. 762 00:34:16,797 --> 00:34:17,832 (GROANS) 763 00:34:23,937 --> 00:34:26,538 - Wade, what did you do? - Colossus, no! 764 00:34:26,540 --> 00:34:27,973 That kid was abused! You can tell. 765 00:34:27,975 --> 00:34:29,674 - You can always tell! - COLOSSUS: We have rules! 766 00:34:29,676 --> 00:34:32,543 You are not judge, jury or executioner! 767 00:34:32,545 --> 00:34:35,547 Forget your rules! I fight for what's right! 768 00:34:35,549 --> 00:34:37,148 And sometimes you gotta fight dirty! 769 00:34:37,150 --> 00:34:40,819 You've let me down for the last time, Wade. 770 00:34:40,821 --> 00:34:42,152 OFFICER 1: Collar him, too. 771 00:34:42,154 --> 00:34:44,022 OFFICER 2: And get these guys in the pod. 772 00:34:44,024 --> 00:34:45,357 - Take them to the Ice Box. - (SIRENS WAILING) 773 00:34:45,359 --> 00:34:46,794 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 774 00:34:57,971 --> 00:35:01,105 - (PRISONERS SHOUTING) - (WHISTLING) 775 00:35:01,107 --> 00:35:03,009 (GATE BUZZING) 776 00:35:04,478 --> 00:35:05,758 - (SHOUTING CONTINUES) - (GRUNTS) 777 00:35:06,913 --> 00:35:09,350 I wonder what gang I'll be in. 778 00:35:10,917 --> 00:35:13,253 Is there, like, a Sorting Hat? (MOUTHS) Hi. 779 00:35:14,788 --> 00:35:15,853 I've always seen myself 780 00:35:15,855 --> 00:35:17,889 as more of an East Coast Hufflepuff. 781 00:35:17,891 --> 00:35:19,157 Go! 782 00:35:19,159 --> 00:35:22,159 I've made a critical error on my Airbnb reservation. 783 00:35:22,161 --> 00:35:26,634 This is not what the website looked like at all. 784 00:35:27,900 --> 00:35:31,670 I love the decor though. I had no idea hopeless was a color. 785 00:35:31,672 --> 00:35:33,074 GUARD: Hard left, douchebag. 786 00:35:37,444 --> 00:35:38,779 Please, after you. 787 00:35:40,748 --> 00:35:43,382 Another disgusting minority off the streets. 788 00:35:43,384 --> 00:35:44,516 We'll sleep well tonight. 789 00:35:44,518 --> 00:35:45,583 Let's get a bagel. 790 00:35:45,585 --> 00:35:48,089 - (TASER CRACKLING) - (GROANING) 791 00:35:49,022 --> 00:35:51,790 Nighty-night, you annoying prick! 792 00:35:51,792 --> 00:35:53,995 (CONTINUES GROANING) 793 00:36:22,989 --> 00:36:26,391 MAN: I'mma tell you what the big lie is. 794 00:36:26,393 --> 00:36:27,926 - (ESCAPE PLAYING ON RADIO) - Toilet paper. 795 00:36:27,928 --> 00:36:31,328 Toilet paper is a plenty fine appetizer. 796 00:36:31,330 --> 00:36:33,565 But, then... 797 00:36:33,567 --> 00:36:35,900 Huggies Natural Care wet wipes. 798 00:36:35,902 --> 00:36:37,302 That's your main course. 799 00:36:37,304 --> 00:36:41,139 They're soft, they're moist. They're for babies. 800 00:36:41,141 --> 00:36:44,243 Finally, one more pass with the toilet paper, 801 00:36:44,245 --> 00:36:46,043 maybe clear out that excess moisture. 802 00:36:46,045 --> 00:36:47,746 Maybe treat yourself to a blow and go, 803 00:36:47,748 --> 00:36:49,014 if you can get you a hair dryer. 804 00:36:49,016 --> 00:36:51,686 Just about 30 seconds will do you good. 805 00:36:55,255 --> 00:36:56,424 What the heck? 806 00:36:57,457 --> 00:36:58,692 Year? 807 00:36:59,493 --> 00:37:00,695 What? 808 00:37:01,661 --> 00:37:03,295 What year is it? 809 00:37:03,297 --> 00:37:05,699 What kind of dummy question is that to ask? 810 00:37:08,669 --> 00:37:11,839 (ESCAPE CONTINUES PLAYING ON RADIO) 811 00:37:16,409 --> 00:37:18,245 (GROANING) 812 00:37:19,245 --> 00:37:20,948 (VOMITING) 813 00:37:24,717 --> 00:37:27,284 RUSSELL: You're a long way from your superpowers. 814 00:37:27,286 --> 00:37:28,288 WADE: Yeah. 815 00:37:32,759 --> 00:37:35,027 I wanted to be a superhero. 816 00:37:35,029 --> 00:37:37,295 Always wanted a real super suit. 817 00:37:37,297 --> 00:37:38,964 (SIGHS) What happened? 818 00:37:38,966 --> 00:37:41,086 When was the last time you saw a plus-sized superhero? 819 00:37:41,600 --> 00:37:43,067 Never. 820 00:37:43,069 --> 00:37:45,670 The industry discriminates. 821 00:37:45,672 --> 00:37:47,471 Forget superheroes. (COUGHS) 822 00:37:47,473 --> 00:37:50,042 The first thing I wanna do when I get out of here... 823 00:37:50,044 --> 00:37:52,277 burn the headmaster alive... 824 00:37:52,279 --> 00:37:55,013 and then take a selfie with his smoldering corpse. 825 00:37:55,015 --> 00:37:57,315 Who says prison isn't reformative? 826 00:37:57,317 --> 00:37:58,616 What did he do to you? 827 00:37:58,618 --> 00:38:00,652 He thinks we're evil. 828 00:38:00,654 --> 00:38:02,020 (WHISPERS) Blessed are the wicked 829 00:38:02,022 --> 00:38:04,522 who are healed by my hand. 830 00:38:04,524 --> 00:38:05,925 Your abilities... 831 00:38:07,426 --> 00:38:09,395 I know how seductive they are. 832 00:38:14,167 --> 00:38:16,469 - (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) - (GRUNTING) 833 00:38:18,105 --> 00:38:21,909 Tomorrow, we'll find the biggest guy in here... 834 00:38:22,875 --> 00:38:24,141 and we'll make him our... 835 00:38:24,143 --> 00:38:25,312 (RUMBLING) 836 00:38:26,413 --> 00:38:27,279 (WADE COUGHS) 837 00:38:27,281 --> 00:38:28,947 - What was that? - (CLEARS THROAT) 838 00:38:28,949 --> 00:38:31,815 That is the biggest guy in here. 839 00:38:31,817 --> 00:38:33,918 Fun fact about the Ice Box... 840 00:38:33,920 --> 00:38:35,821 though no one's ever seen it, 841 00:38:35,823 --> 00:38:38,022 they keep a monster in the basement. 842 00:38:38,024 --> 00:38:39,857 Right next to a huge, 843 00:38:39,859 --> 00:38:41,495 steaming bowl of foreshadowing. 844 00:38:42,194 --> 00:38:43,196 Look. 845 00:38:43,996 --> 00:38:46,431 I can't protect you. (COUGHS) 846 00:38:46,433 --> 00:38:47,598 With this collar on, 847 00:38:47,600 --> 00:38:50,735 my superpower is just unbridled cancer. 848 00:38:50,737 --> 00:38:54,138 Give me a bow and arrow, I'm basically Hawkeye. 849 00:38:54,140 --> 00:38:56,241 Now, if you'll excuse me... (COUGHS) 850 00:38:56,243 --> 00:38:59,710 I've got tumors to grow. Vanessa awaits. 851 00:38:59,712 --> 00:39:02,045 I'll start by making us a shank. 852 00:39:02,047 --> 00:39:04,014 - Good listening. - I stole that guard's pen... 853 00:39:04,016 --> 00:39:06,016 and stashed it in the old prison wallet, 854 00:39:06,018 --> 00:39:07,985 if you know what I'm saying. 855 00:39:07,987 --> 00:39:10,522 Prison wallet? (COUGHS) 856 00:39:10,524 --> 00:39:13,493 I really hope I don't know what you're saying. 857 00:39:14,361 --> 00:39:15,596 (SIREN WAILING) 858 00:39:18,732 --> 00:39:20,063 REPORTER: (ON TV) And to update you 859 00:39:20,065 --> 00:39:21,565 on the story reported earlier... 860 00:39:21,567 --> 00:39:23,000 after a lengthy standoff 861 00:39:23,002 --> 00:39:25,804 outside the Essex House for Mutant Rehabilitation... 862 00:39:25,806 --> 00:39:27,105 two mutants were arrested 863 00:39:27,107 --> 00:39:29,040 and transported to the Ice Box... 864 00:39:29,042 --> 00:39:30,522 AUTOMATED VOICE: Entering repair mode. 865 00:39:56,270 --> 00:39:57,271 Psst! 866 00:39:59,839 --> 00:40:02,273 Don't do that. 867 00:40:02,275 --> 00:40:04,944 What? Why are you winking at me? 868 00:40:07,513 --> 00:40:08,880 I got your back. 869 00:40:08,882 --> 00:40:10,047 Oh, my God. 870 00:40:10,049 --> 00:40:11,449 You're sick, I gotta protect you. 871 00:40:11,451 --> 00:40:13,554 - Just leave me alone, kid. - (MAN WHISTLING) 872 00:40:14,687 --> 00:40:15,922 Oh, great. 873 00:40:16,355 --> 00:40:17,489 (WADE COUGHS) 874 00:40:17,491 --> 00:40:19,956 Well, hello there, new fish. 875 00:40:19,958 --> 00:40:23,027 It's nice to see some fresh faces around here. 876 00:40:23,029 --> 00:40:25,263 (COUGHS) I've done some light catalog work... 877 00:40:25,265 --> 00:40:27,998 but, really, modeling is just a stepping stone to acting. 878 00:40:28,000 --> 00:40:30,802 - I was talking to him. - Oh. 879 00:40:30,804 --> 00:40:34,105 Have we met? I can't place your mustache. 880 00:40:34,107 --> 00:40:36,674 - Black Tom Cassidy. - White Wade Wilson. 881 00:40:36,676 --> 00:40:40,212 What's your superpower? Cultural appropriation? 882 00:40:40,214 --> 00:40:42,947 You're supposed to be the toughest con in here. 883 00:40:42,949 --> 00:40:45,549 You don't look like much to me. 884 00:40:45,551 --> 00:40:46,918 First rule of the yard... 885 00:40:46,920 --> 00:40:49,020 find the biggest guy and make him your... 886 00:40:49,022 --> 00:40:51,125 - (GROANS) - (INMATES EXCLAIM) 887 00:40:52,926 --> 00:40:55,025 Second biggest guy. 888 00:40:55,027 --> 00:40:57,462 The last thing I need is more hepatitis. 889 00:40:57,464 --> 00:41:01,031 Oh, it's slippery, too. This table needs a wipe down! 890 00:41:01,033 --> 00:41:03,034 Can we get a wipe down on the table? 891 00:41:03,036 --> 00:41:04,201 - (GROANS) - (INMATES EXCLAIM) 892 00:41:04,203 --> 00:41:06,203 Kid, I think you picked the wrong side. 893 00:41:06,205 --> 00:41:08,639 No, I didn't! He's my friend! 894 00:41:08,641 --> 00:41:11,542 - Zip it. We're not friends. - (INMATES CHEERING) 895 00:41:11,544 --> 00:41:13,844 Take a seat, shit dick. 896 00:41:13,846 --> 00:41:15,982 - (INMATES SHOUTING) - (COUGHS) 897 00:41:18,018 --> 00:41:19,687 (SHOUTING CONTINUES) 898 00:41:24,958 --> 00:41:26,857 I had so much fun! You were like... (GRUNTS) 899 00:41:26,859 --> 00:41:28,793 And I was like, "Take a seat, shit dick." 900 00:41:28,795 --> 00:41:30,728 Just let me die in peace. 901 00:41:30,730 --> 00:41:32,931 (GRUNTS) We make a great team! 902 00:41:32,933 --> 00:41:35,333 Oh, God! We're not a team. (COUGHING) 903 00:41:35,335 --> 00:41:39,737 Why'd you say that back there? We're friends, partners. 904 00:41:39,739 --> 00:41:41,976 We're not partners or friends. 905 00:41:43,509 --> 00:41:45,909 This doesn't end with us riding into the sunset. 906 00:41:45,911 --> 00:41:48,011 It ends with me dying of cancer... 907 00:41:48,013 --> 00:41:49,748 and you winning the Ice Box award 908 00:41:49,750 --> 00:41:51,949 for most pinchable cheeks. 909 00:41:51,951 --> 00:41:53,250 (WADE COUGHS) 910 00:41:53,252 --> 00:41:55,018 There's only one person in this world 911 00:41:55,020 --> 00:41:56,990 that I care about, and she's gone. 912 00:41:58,625 --> 00:42:01,592 You wanna survive? 913 00:42:01,594 --> 00:42:04,962 Stop trying to shank the biggest guys in here... 914 00:42:04,964 --> 00:42:07,200 and make friends with them. 915 00:42:08,234 --> 00:42:10,103 Make friends with someone. 916 00:42:11,105 --> 00:42:13,737 Anyone but me. 917 00:42:13,739 --> 00:42:16,107 Maybe even Black Tim. 918 00:42:16,109 --> 00:42:17,609 Black Evan, I don't know. 919 00:42:17,611 --> 00:42:20,413 All I remember is he was African-American. 920 00:42:28,687 --> 00:42:30,087 (GUARDS GROANING) 921 00:42:30,089 --> 00:42:31,609 - (BREATHING HEAVILY) - (ALARM BLARING) 922 00:42:39,866 --> 00:42:41,701 (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) 923 00:42:42,636 --> 00:42:43,737 (BEEPING RAPIDLY) 924 00:42:45,038 --> 00:42:46,573 (GUARDS GROANING) 925 00:42:51,511 --> 00:42:55,382 AUTOMATED VOICE: (ON PA) Cells 7, 12, 14, 27. 926 00:43:01,420 --> 00:43:02,422 (BEEPING) 927 00:43:08,495 --> 00:43:12,297 AUTOMATED VOICE: System malfunctioning. 7, 4, 3. 928 00:43:12,299 --> 00:43:14,168 System malfunctioning. 929 00:43:20,873 --> 00:43:22,576 That was our cell. 930 00:43:23,210 --> 00:43:24,342 What did I do to piss off 931 00:43:24,344 --> 00:43:27,181 a grumpy old guy with a Winter Soldier arm? 932 00:43:34,321 --> 00:43:36,123 Get away from me, kid! 933 00:43:37,924 --> 00:43:39,259 Listen to me! Go! 934 00:43:43,163 --> 00:43:44,398 Hello, Russell. 935 00:43:47,433 --> 00:43:48,435 (COCKS GUN) 936 00:43:51,937 --> 00:43:53,739 - (WADE GRUNTS) - (GROANS) 937 00:44:03,382 --> 00:44:04,384 (GRUNTS) 938 00:44:15,694 --> 00:44:17,797 (GUARDS GROANING) 939 00:44:26,940 --> 00:44:28,242 (GROANING) 940 00:44:40,520 --> 00:44:41,819 (GROANS) 941 00:44:41,821 --> 00:44:42,823 (GASPS) 942 00:44:45,024 --> 00:44:46,559 Hello, superpowers. 943 00:44:50,163 --> 00:44:51,931 - (GRUNTS) - (GROANS) 944 00:44:53,165 --> 00:44:54,734 (BOTH GRUNTING) 945 00:44:59,105 --> 00:45:00,440 Who are you? 946 00:45:00,940 --> 00:45:02,409 I'm Batman. 947 00:45:11,484 --> 00:45:12,486 (GASPS) 948 00:45:13,687 --> 00:45:14,688 Ooh! 949 00:45:15,154 --> 00:45:16,355 (GRUNTS) 950 00:45:19,257 --> 00:45:21,828 Oh. That's got some zip. 951 00:45:29,002 --> 00:45:32,536 Don't feel bad. Even I can't kill me. 952 00:45:32,538 --> 00:45:33,471 Talk! 953 00:45:33,473 --> 00:45:35,339 What kind of spineless shit stick 954 00:45:35,341 --> 00:45:37,210 tries to kill a 14-year-old boy? 955 00:45:38,011 --> 00:45:39,342 You might wanna start talking! 956 00:45:39,344 --> 00:45:42,248 'Cause I got a long history of firing at times like this! 957 00:45:42,748 --> 00:45:44,581 The name's Cable. 958 00:45:44,583 --> 00:45:47,853 I'm from the future. Just walk away. 959 00:45:48,087 --> 00:45:49,319 Oh! 960 00:45:49,321 --> 00:45:51,288 So, you're from the future. 961 00:45:51,290 --> 00:45:53,391 I have a question then. 962 00:45:53,393 --> 00:45:55,228 Is dubstep still a thing? 963 00:46:02,701 --> 00:46:03,970 (BOTH GRUNTING) 964 00:46:11,812 --> 00:46:13,846 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 965 00:46:16,015 --> 00:46:17,750 - (SHOUTING) - (CHOKING) 966 00:46:18,717 --> 00:46:20,051 (GROANING) 967 00:46:20,053 --> 00:46:22,087 Dubstep's for pussies. 968 00:46:22,089 --> 00:46:23,286 You're so dark! 969 00:46:23,288 --> 00:46:26,223 Are you sure you're not from the DC universe? 970 00:46:26,225 --> 00:46:27,491 I love dubstep! 971 00:46:27,493 --> 00:46:29,795 (DUBSTEP MUSIC PLAYING) 972 00:46:36,835 --> 00:46:38,671 - (GRUNTS) - (GROANS) 973 00:46:50,583 --> 00:46:52,350 (GROANS) 974 00:46:52,352 --> 00:46:53,750 WADE: Is that a fanny pack? 975 00:46:53,752 --> 00:46:56,455 I used to have one of those in 1990-never. 976 00:46:57,190 --> 00:46:59,056 Something to remember you by. 977 00:46:59,058 --> 00:47:02,826 Give me that back! That goes with me everywhere. 978 00:47:02,828 --> 00:47:04,664 Like the memory of your fanny pack! 979 00:47:10,069 --> 00:47:11,071 (GROANING) 980 00:47:14,207 --> 00:47:15,973 Why are you protecting the kid? 981 00:47:15,975 --> 00:47:18,676 He's just some kid with an Are You My Mother? complex. 982 00:47:18,678 --> 00:47:20,880 I don't give a damn about him. 983 00:47:25,518 --> 00:47:26,853 What's this one do? 984 00:47:28,054 --> 00:47:29,423 (BEEPING RAPIDLY) 985 00:47:37,797 --> 00:47:39,529 WADE: In every film, there's a moment 986 00:47:39,531 --> 00:47:41,898 when the hero hits rock bottom. 987 00:47:41,900 --> 00:47:44,101 In Cool Runnings, it was when John Candy's 988 00:47:44,103 --> 00:47:45,835 prized bobsled broke. 989 00:47:45,837 --> 00:47:48,672 In Human Centipede, it was when those people... 990 00:47:48,674 --> 00:47:51,107 signed on to be in that movie. 991 00:47:51,109 --> 00:47:52,678 But in this film, well... 992 00:47:53,379 --> 00:47:54,848 you're looking at it. 993 00:47:57,049 --> 00:47:58,352 Rock... 994 00:47:59,352 --> 00:48:00,853 meet bottom. 995 00:48:02,120 --> 00:48:03,956 (INDISTINCT VOICES ECHOING) 996 00:48:10,230 --> 00:48:12,065 VANESSA: I love you, Wade Wilson. 997 00:48:12,832 --> 00:48:13,833 Ness? 998 00:48:15,000 --> 00:48:16,569 Hey, Ness! 999 00:48:17,270 --> 00:48:19,036 Ness, can you let me in? 1000 00:48:19,038 --> 00:48:21,375 Please! Please. 1001 00:48:23,241 --> 00:48:24,308 Jeez. 1002 00:48:24,310 --> 00:48:25,578 (SIGHS) 1003 00:48:27,080 --> 00:48:29,112 You're not giving me a lot of direction here. 1004 00:48:29,114 --> 00:48:31,014 I'm at the end of my rope. 1005 00:48:31,016 --> 00:48:32,451 (TIMER TICKING) 1006 00:48:33,353 --> 00:48:36,119 Then I joined the X-Men. 1007 00:48:36,121 --> 00:48:37,757 I went to prison. I, uh... 1008 00:48:41,761 --> 00:48:43,429 Is it the kid? 1009 00:48:45,065 --> 00:48:48,435 Kids give us a chance to be better than we used to be. 1010 00:48:49,435 --> 00:48:50,636 - The kid! - (TIMER DINGS) 1011 00:48:54,005 --> 00:48:55,174 (GASPING) 1012 00:48:57,109 --> 00:48:58,878 (WHEEZING) 1013 00:49:04,250 --> 00:49:05,782 That's exactly what she meant. 1014 00:49:05,784 --> 00:49:07,317 Your heart needs to be in the right place. 1015 00:49:07,319 --> 00:49:09,186 I'm not gonna abandon this kid. 1016 00:49:09,188 --> 00:49:11,989 He's never had anyone, ever. 1017 00:49:11,991 --> 00:49:13,290 I need to be selfless. 1018 00:49:13,292 --> 00:49:15,293 Yeah, but what does that mean? 1019 00:49:15,295 --> 00:49:18,529 It means I'm gonna save Russell. 1020 00:49:18,531 --> 00:49:19,996 Maybe I couldn't save Vanessa... 1021 00:49:19,998 --> 00:49:23,101 but maybe I can save a robust teenager from New Zealand. 1022 00:49:23,103 --> 00:49:25,302 Yeah, but what I mean is, like, the world "selfless." 1023 00:49:25,304 --> 00:49:26,971 I literally don't know what that means. 1024 00:49:26,973 --> 00:49:27,938 Jesus Christ. 1025 00:49:27,940 --> 00:49:30,775 Okay, look. According to my guy, okay... 1026 00:49:30,777 --> 00:49:32,844 those muties are being transferred 1027 00:49:32,846 --> 00:49:34,545 to a supermax, 80 miles away. 1028 00:49:34,547 --> 00:49:36,447 Great, I'll pick 'em off along the way. 1029 00:49:36,449 --> 00:49:38,616 Hold your testicles there, buddy, okay? 1030 00:49:38,618 --> 00:49:40,618 We're talking about an armored convoy... 1031 00:49:40,620 --> 00:49:43,253 and a vicious super soldier from the future... 1032 00:49:43,255 --> 00:49:45,723 who is dead set on turning your skull into an ashtray. 1033 00:49:45,725 --> 00:49:48,859 You know what we need to do? We need to build a team. 1034 00:49:48,861 --> 00:49:50,828 We need 'em tough, morally flexible... 1035 00:49:50,830 --> 00:49:53,297 and young enough to carry this franchise 10 to 12 years. 1036 00:49:53,299 --> 00:49:54,897 We need Ocean's Fourteen stuff. 1037 00:49:54,899 --> 00:49:57,201 - The mother of all teams. - John Wick 3. 1038 00:49:57,203 --> 00:49:58,268 - Cheap. - But with 1039 00:49:58,270 --> 00:49:59,369 - the original directors. - Smart. 1040 00:49:59,371 --> 00:50:00,471 My body is an instrument of death. 1041 00:50:00,473 --> 00:50:01,639 Not now, Dopinder. 1042 00:50:01,641 --> 00:50:03,607 I could be of great use. 1043 00:50:03,609 --> 00:50:05,478 What's your superpower? 1044 00:50:07,145 --> 00:50:08,545 - Courage. - That's adorable. 1045 00:50:08,547 --> 00:50:10,514 All right, I'll put out a call for resumes. 1046 00:50:10,516 --> 00:50:12,750 But we're not paying medical or dental. 1047 00:50:12,752 --> 00:50:14,987 It's time to get back on LinkedIn. 1048 00:50:16,089 --> 00:50:17,123 (EXHALES) 1049 00:50:24,464 --> 00:50:26,666 (CHILD SINGING) 1050 00:50:39,978 --> 00:50:41,612 MALE GUARD: (ON PA) Attention, all inmates! 1051 00:50:41,614 --> 00:50:44,514 Transport to Cross Force Maximum Security 1052 00:50:44,516 --> 00:50:45,782 Mutant Containment Facility... 1053 00:50:45,784 --> 00:50:47,750 will begin at 0800 hours. 1054 00:50:47,752 --> 00:50:50,420 Inspection of your cells and out-processing 1055 00:50:50,422 --> 00:50:51,891 will begin at 0600. 1056 00:50:54,993 --> 00:50:56,828 FEMALE GUARD: Attention, all inmates. 1057 00:50:56,830 --> 00:50:59,196 Transport to Cross Force Maximum Security 1058 00:50:59,198 --> 00:51:00,264 Mutant Containment Facility... 1059 00:51:00,266 --> 00:51:01,331 BLACK TOM: Oi. 1060 00:51:01,333 --> 00:51:02,732 MUTANT: What do you want? 1061 00:51:02,734 --> 00:51:04,534 You stole my pudding. 1062 00:51:04,536 --> 00:51:06,436 - What pudding? - You like pudding? 1063 00:51:06,438 --> 00:51:08,205 - (GRUNTS) - (PRISONERS CLAMORING) 1064 00:51:08,207 --> 00:51:09,775 (ALARM BLARING) 1065 00:51:24,489 --> 00:51:25,692 Hello? 1066 00:51:27,725 --> 00:51:29,328 I know you're in there. 1067 00:51:40,172 --> 00:51:42,809 Must be hard being the biggest guy in here. 1068 00:51:44,109 --> 00:51:46,243 Lonely at the top, eh? 1069 00:51:46,245 --> 00:51:48,280 They're moving us tomorrow. 1070 00:51:50,583 --> 00:51:52,686 Maybe I can get you out of here. 1071 00:51:53,652 --> 00:51:57,057 And we can make the whole world our bitch. 1072 00:51:58,658 --> 00:52:00,659 We need a secret code. 1073 00:52:02,328 --> 00:52:03,493 (IMITATES BIRD CALL) 1074 00:52:03,495 --> 00:52:06,198 (SOFTLY) No, that's stupid, Russell. Idiot. 1075 00:52:08,366 --> 00:52:10,534 (RHYTHMIC BANGING) 1076 00:52:10,536 --> 00:52:12,238 (RHYTHMIC BANGING IN RESPONSE) 1077 00:52:13,406 --> 00:52:14,871 We're a team. 1078 00:52:14,873 --> 00:52:16,873 We're like thugs, we're like gangsters. 1079 00:52:16,875 --> 00:52:19,379 I'm like Tupac, and you're like Ice Cube. 1080 00:52:20,679 --> 00:52:23,114 WEASEL: Supposedly, she can rap, too. 1081 00:52:23,116 --> 00:52:23,980 DEADPOOL: I like that. 1082 00:52:23,982 --> 00:52:25,549 Terrific, these are all terrific. 1083 00:52:25,551 --> 00:52:27,384 Meet Bedlam. 1084 00:52:27,386 --> 00:52:29,654 Cool name! Superpowers? 1085 00:52:29,656 --> 00:52:31,321 I can distort electrical fields. 1086 00:52:31,323 --> 00:52:32,223 (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) 1087 00:52:32,225 --> 00:52:34,625 Including the one inside your brain... 1088 00:52:34,627 --> 00:52:37,427 causing anxiety, confusion... 1089 00:52:37,429 --> 00:52:38,632 pain. 1090 00:52:39,565 --> 00:52:41,598 So, basically, you're Dave Matthews. 1091 00:52:41,600 --> 00:52:43,002 We can use him. 1092 00:52:44,636 --> 00:52:46,270 I'm Zeitgeist. 1093 00:52:46,272 --> 00:52:47,538 Cool. I like it. 1094 00:52:47,540 --> 00:52:48,806 So you have the power 1095 00:52:48,808 --> 00:52:51,378 to put your finger on the pulse of society? 1096 00:52:52,312 --> 00:52:53,610 (STAMMERS) No. 1097 00:52:53,612 --> 00:52:55,478 No, I spit acidic vomit. (SNIFFS) 1098 00:52:55,480 --> 00:52:56,581 - Oh. - Do you want me 1099 00:52:56,583 --> 00:52:57,647 - to demonstrate? - DEADPOOL: No! 1100 00:52:57,649 --> 00:52:59,016 WEASEL: We'll take your word for it. 1101 00:52:59,018 --> 00:53:01,384 Thank you. Yeah. Listen, we've all eaten at Arby's, okay? 1102 00:53:01,386 --> 00:53:04,123 And this is the Vanisher. 1103 00:53:07,493 --> 00:53:08,695 But... 1104 00:53:09,629 --> 00:53:11,261 Vanisher! 1105 00:53:11,263 --> 00:53:12,899 (LAUGHS) 1106 00:53:13,500 --> 00:53:15,835 - Nice! - Right? 1107 00:53:16,402 --> 00:53:17,668 He's not here, is he? 1108 00:53:17,670 --> 00:53:19,406 He may be running late. 1109 00:53:20,739 --> 00:53:23,641 My name's Rusty, but I go by Shatterstar. 1110 00:53:23,643 --> 00:53:24,842 BOTH: That's good, yeah. 1111 00:53:24,844 --> 00:53:27,011 - "Rusty" is terrible. - Toughie. 1112 00:53:27,013 --> 00:53:29,913 - So, uh, where are you from? - The planet Mojo World. 1113 00:53:29,915 --> 00:53:31,982 - So you're an alien, I guess. - Bad name. 1114 00:53:31,984 --> 00:53:33,750 How does that, uh, help us? 1115 00:53:33,752 --> 00:53:36,719 I'm basically better than you at everything. 1116 00:53:36,721 --> 00:53:38,522 Just once, I'm gonna find a planet of people 1117 00:53:38,524 --> 00:53:40,023 that are worse than me at everything. 1118 00:53:40,025 --> 00:53:42,226 A whole bunch of functional idiots. 1119 00:53:42,228 --> 00:53:44,460 I'm gonna go there, and I'm gonna be their Superman. 1120 00:53:44,462 --> 00:53:45,529 Isn't that Canada? 1121 00:53:45,531 --> 00:53:48,067 You shut your goddamn trash mouth! 1122 00:53:49,000 --> 00:53:50,301 - WEASEL: Meet... - Domino. 1123 00:53:50,303 --> 00:53:52,703 - DEADPOOL: What's your shtick? - I'm lucky. 1124 00:53:52,705 --> 00:53:53,971 That's not a superpower. 1125 00:53:53,973 --> 00:53:55,038 - Yeah, it is. - No, it isn't. 1126 00:53:55,040 --> 00:53:56,440 - Yes, it is. - No, it isn't. 1127 00:53:56,442 --> 00:53:57,641 - Yeah, it is. - No, it isn't. 1128 00:53:57,643 --> 00:53:58,708 - Yes, it is. - No, it isn't. 1129 00:53:58,710 --> 00:53:59,777 - Yeah, it is. - It really isn't. 1130 00:53:59,779 --> 00:54:01,143 - No, it isn't. - Yes, it is. 1131 00:54:01,145 --> 00:54:02,212 Told you. 1132 00:54:02,214 --> 00:54:03,681 Get out of my head! 1133 00:54:03,683 --> 00:54:04,880 I'm not in your head. 1134 00:54:04,882 --> 00:54:06,417 It looks like I'm in an 11-year-old's bedroom. 1135 00:54:06,419 --> 00:54:08,752 If you're so lucky, then what are you doing here with us? 1136 00:54:08,754 --> 00:54:10,353 - I don't know yet. - What's that supposed to mean? 1137 00:54:10,355 --> 00:54:12,422 There's a reason why I'm here, and I'll know when I know. 1138 00:54:12,424 --> 00:54:14,558 Everything usually just kind of works out for me. 1139 00:54:14,560 --> 00:54:15,726 - You're hired! - You're hired. 1140 00:54:15,728 --> 00:54:17,328 Oh, lucky me. 1141 00:54:17,330 --> 00:54:18,331 DEADPOOL: She's great. 1142 00:54:19,632 --> 00:54:21,197 And last, but not least... 1143 00:54:21,199 --> 00:54:22,301 Peter. 1144 00:54:23,536 --> 00:54:26,002 Am I getting catfished here or...? 1145 00:54:26,004 --> 00:54:28,239 Any powers you wanna tell us about? 1146 00:54:28,241 --> 00:54:29,672 PETER: No. 1147 00:54:29,674 --> 00:54:31,475 I don't have one. 1148 00:54:31,477 --> 00:54:32,710 Um, I just saw the ad. 1149 00:54:32,712 --> 00:54:34,712 No superpowers at all? 1150 00:54:34,714 --> 00:54:37,917 I have both type 1 and 2 diabetes. 1151 00:54:38,283 --> 00:54:39,616 Ow! Oh! 1152 00:54:39,618 --> 00:54:40,918 That's all the diabetes. 1153 00:54:40,920 --> 00:54:42,085 Right, yeah, you got 'em all. 1154 00:54:42,087 --> 00:54:44,688 If you find a type 3, let us know. 1155 00:54:44,690 --> 00:54:45,755 Yeah. 1156 00:54:45,757 --> 00:54:47,056 You're in. 1157 00:54:47,058 --> 00:54:48,160 Come on! 1158 00:54:50,730 --> 00:54:52,932 It's fulfilling work. 1159 00:55:03,076 --> 00:55:05,475 GUARD: This is Convoy 17 departing the Ice Box. 1160 00:55:05,477 --> 00:55:06,779 We are en route. 1161 00:55:14,654 --> 00:55:17,190 CABLE: Peacetime makes people soft. 1162 00:55:18,656 --> 00:55:20,559 I was born into war. 1163 00:55:22,127 --> 00:55:23,428 Bred into it. 1164 00:55:24,330 --> 00:55:26,029 Okay. 1165 00:55:26,031 --> 00:55:28,934 What's the most pain you've ever felt? 1166 00:55:30,236 --> 00:55:31,502 These restraints are pretty... 1167 00:55:31,504 --> 00:55:32,806 CABLE: I've got a list. 1168 00:55:33,839 --> 00:55:36,008 We're gonna work down it. 1169 00:55:36,708 --> 00:55:37,977 Together. 1170 00:55:38,844 --> 00:55:41,844 Number one, I'm gonna bend something. 1171 00:55:41,846 --> 00:55:44,214 Something that was not meant to bend. 1172 00:55:44,216 --> 00:55:45,315 I'm gonna stop you right there 1173 00:55:45,317 --> 00:55:46,683 because I'm not gonna make it to two. 1174 00:55:46,685 --> 00:55:48,018 I won't even make it to one. 1175 00:55:48,020 --> 00:55:49,453 I don't do well with pain, you know. 1176 00:55:49,455 --> 00:55:52,223 If I stub my toe, I'm done for the day. 1177 00:55:52,225 --> 00:55:54,259 I cried when they canceled Felicity. 1178 00:55:55,493 --> 00:55:56,393 I don't want you to hurt me, 1179 00:55:56,395 --> 00:55:58,997 and I'll tell you anything you wanna know. 1180 00:55:59,964 --> 00:56:01,864 Except for where they are. 1181 00:56:01,866 --> 00:56:03,100 Russell's in a convoy heading southbound 1182 00:56:03,102 --> 00:56:05,034 on Gerry Duggan Parkway. 1183 00:56:05,036 --> 00:56:06,703 The monster's with them. I wouldn't mess with him. 1184 00:56:06,705 --> 00:56:07,770 DEADPOOL: You all know the plan. 1185 00:56:07,772 --> 00:56:10,406 Intercept the convoy, grab the boy. 1186 00:56:10,408 --> 00:56:11,507 But not inappropriately! 1187 00:56:11,509 --> 00:56:12,476 WEASEL: You know what, 1188 00:56:12,478 --> 00:56:13,944 I wouldn't mess with Deadpool either. 1189 00:56:13,946 --> 00:56:16,313 Because he's built a team. He's unstoppable. 1190 00:56:16,315 --> 00:56:19,014 He has an ass pen. He'll stab you with it. 1191 00:56:19,016 --> 00:56:21,552 Watch out for this guy, Cable! 1192 00:56:21,554 --> 00:56:24,788 He's very short, 5'11". Not like in the comics. 1193 00:56:24,790 --> 00:56:27,491 And if we succeed, we all go home early. 1194 00:56:27,493 --> 00:56:30,129 WEASEL: So if you go after them, Cable, I warn you... 1195 00:56:30,996 --> 00:56:32,966 there's a wind advisory in effect. 1196 00:56:37,837 --> 00:56:39,539 (WIND HOWLING) 1197 00:56:43,875 --> 00:56:45,544 PILOT: (ON PA) A little turbulent up here. 1198 00:56:52,884 --> 00:56:54,817 I don't know much about this Cable fella... 1199 00:56:54,819 --> 00:56:56,085 but I guarantee he hasn't killed 1200 00:56:56,087 --> 00:56:58,190 as many people as melanoma has. 1201 00:56:59,391 --> 00:57:00,757 We're getting close! 1202 00:57:00,759 --> 00:57:02,326 As a former X-Man... 1203 00:57:02,328 --> 00:57:04,360 - Trainee. - Thank you, Bedlam. 1204 00:57:04,362 --> 00:57:07,397 I was always appalled by the blatant sexism 1205 00:57:07,399 --> 00:57:08,531 in the group's name. 1206 00:57:08,533 --> 00:57:10,400 X-Men! Men! 1207 00:57:10,402 --> 00:57:13,636 The point is, our group will be forward thinking. 1208 00:57:13,638 --> 00:57:15,005 Gender neutral. 1209 00:57:15,007 --> 00:57:18,044 From now on, we'll be known as... 1210 00:57:19,578 --> 00:57:21,080 X-Force. 1211 00:57:27,319 --> 00:57:29,886 Hang the laundry out at 1,300 feet... 1212 00:57:29,888 --> 00:57:31,788 intercept the convoy, and grab the boy. 1213 00:57:31,790 --> 00:57:32,956 Let's bring on the carnage, baby! 1214 00:57:32,958 --> 00:57:34,757 Get me on the ground, watch me go! 1215 00:57:34,759 --> 00:57:35,893 ALL: Yeah! 1216 00:57:35,895 --> 00:57:37,761 - (ALL WHOOPING) - I can't wait to kill! 1217 00:57:37,763 --> 00:57:40,397 Hey! Hey! Hey! 1218 00:57:40,399 --> 00:57:43,167 I just wanna say how proud I am of this team. 1219 00:57:43,169 --> 00:57:46,103 You know, you guys look amazing! 1220 00:57:46,105 --> 00:57:49,038 Vanisher, I have no doubt you look amazing too. 1221 00:57:49,040 --> 00:57:50,141 This is the family 1222 00:57:50,143 --> 00:57:52,610 that I've always dreamed of having and I... 1223 00:57:52,612 --> 00:57:54,411 Ah, darn. I just... 1224 00:57:54,413 --> 00:57:55,344 (SNIFFLES) 1225 00:57:55,346 --> 00:57:57,047 I just get a little choked up sometimes. 1226 00:57:57,049 --> 00:57:58,949 I hate to interrupt, but is anybody nervous 1227 00:57:58,951 --> 00:58:00,317 about the high winds? 1228 00:58:00,319 --> 00:58:01,685 - Gary. - My name's Peter. 1229 00:58:01,687 --> 00:58:03,788 I realize that you're new to this, but relax. 1230 00:58:03,790 --> 00:58:05,355 You've been chosen by a higher power. 1231 00:58:05,357 --> 00:58:07,657 - Did he just call himself God? - I think he did. 1232 00:58:07,659 --> 00:58:08,726 I'd like to go home. 1233 00:58:08,728 --> 00:58:10,460 I spent 10 years in Special Forces. 1234 00:58:10,462 --> 00:58:11,795 You think we didn't jump out of the plane 1235 00:58:11,797 --> 00:58:13,830 because of a light breeze? 1236 00:58:13,832 --> 00:58:16,165 You're in this shit now, Mustache! 1237 00:58:16,167 --> 00:58:18,168 (WHISPERS) I'm only yelling to impress the other guys. 1238 00:58:18,170 --> 00:58:20,703 I'd never let anything happen to you, Sugarbear. 1239 00:58:20,705 --> 00:58:22,906 Leonard, hit it! 1240 00:58:22,908 --> 00:58:25,143 - (ALARM BLARING) - (THUNDERSTRUCK PLAYING) 1241 00:58:31,516 --> 00:58:33,616 Go! Go! Go! 1242 00:58:33,618 --> 00:58:35,321 (MAN SINGING) 1243 00:59:09,121 --> 00:59:10,686 Let's get some! 1244 00:59:10,688 --> 00:59:11,855 Whoo! 1245 00:59:11,857 --> 00:59:13,089 Oh, yeah! 1246 00:59:13,091 --> 00:59:16,161 Convoy, 12 o'clock! On my command! 1247 00:59:16,929 --> 00:59:18,531 Deploy! Oh, hey now! 1248 00:59:18,797 --> 00:59:20,132 Whoa! 1249 00:59:25,804 --> 00:59:27,440 Little off course here. 1250 00:59:29,708 --> 00:59:32,311 Holy mommy, what the...? 1251 00:59:33,478 --> 00:59:35,244 Ah, there they are. 1252 00:59:35,246 --> 00:59:38,382 Look at these gorgeous sons of bitches. (BLOWS KISS) 1253 00:59:38,384 --> 00:59:40,553 Oh, yeah! That's right, Bedlam! 1254 00:59:42,187 --> 00:59:43,719 - (BEDLAM GRUNTS) - (ALL GASP) 1255 00:59:43,721 --> 00:59:45,288 (GASPING DRAMATICALLY) 1256 00:59:45,290 --> 00:59:48,160 No! Tripping billies! 1257 00:59:48,627 --> 00:59:49,629 Shatterstar. 1258 00:59:50,196 --> 00:59:51,797 Okay, you got this. 1259 00:59:53,931 --> 00:59:55,031 Left! 1260 00:59:55,033 --> 00:59:56,366 Left! 1261 00:59:56,368 --> 00:59:58,802 No, stage left, you idiot! 1262 00:59:58,804 --> 01:00:00,471 (GASPS) 1263 01:00:00,473 --> 01:00:02,139 Well, I guess we found something 1264 01:00:02,141 --> 01:00:03,409 you're not better at. 1265 01:00:05,444 --> 01:00:06,543 Vanisher. 1266 01:00:06,545 --> 01:00:08,548 Maybe the wind can't blow what it can't see. 1267 01:00:09,882 --> 01:00:10,947 (GRUNTING) 1268 01:00:10,949 --> 01:00:12,047 Oh! Really? 1269 01:00:12,049 --> 01:00:13,518 Wait, wait, wait. Was that... 1270 01:00:14,020 --> 01:00:15,085 Benjamin Button. 1271 01:00:15,087 --> 01:00:16,853 Brad Pitt? 1272 01:00:16,855 --> 01:00:18,822 How'd you get Brad Pitt? 1273 01:00:18,824 --> 01:00:19,922 You're here, aren't you? 1274 01:00:19,924 --> 01:00:21,958 Yeah, but I didn't agree to... 1275 01:00:21,960 --> 01:00:23,893 BOTH: Oh. 1276 01:00:23,895 --> 01:00:25,094 See, Brad... 1277 01:00:25,096 --> 01:00:26,964 he's still locked in my storm cellar 1278 01:00:26,966 --> 01:00:29,331 along with Celine Dion and Matt Damon. 1279 01:00:29,333 --> 01:00:31,601 It's like Shawshank down there. 1280 01:00:31,603 --> 01:00:32,835 (SNICKERING) 1281 01:00:32,837 --> 01:00:34,571 Matt Damon's in this shit? 1282 01:00:34,573 --> 01:00:35,739 Yeah. (LAUGHS) 1283 01:00:35,741 --> 01:00:38,074 I suggest you go down there first thing... 1284 01:00:38,076 --> 01:00:39,610 and just punch him as hard as you can. 1285 01:00:39,612 --> 01:00:42,411 You wanna establish dominance or that guy will own you. 1286 01:00:42,413 --> 01:00:45,281 And quit burning our "S" words. 1287 01:00:45,283 --> 01:00:46,885 I've always wanted to fight Matt Damon. 1288 01:00:49,187 --> 01:00:50,253 I'm sorry, what did you say? 1289 01:00:50,255 --> 01:00:51,420 What did I say? 1290 01:00:51,422 --> 01:00:53,589 I thought you said... (BLEEP) Matt Damon. 1291 01:00:53,591 --> 01:00:55,025 I did. I wanna... (BLEEP) Matt Damon. 1292 01:00:55,027 --> 01:00:56,092 You wanna what? 1293 01:00:56,094 --> 01:00:57,159 I wanna... (BLEEP) him, 1294 01:00:57,161 --> 01:00:58,362 and then I want him to... (BLEEP) me. 1295 01:00:58,364 --> 01:00:59,496 And then, if I'm doing a good job... 1296 01:00:59,498 --> 01:01:00,764 I want all my friends and family 1297 01:01:00,766 --> 01:01:01,897 to come watch me... (BLEEP) 1298 01:01:01,899 --> 01:01:03,100 Tell me more about that. 1299 01:01:03,102 --> 01:01:04,668 Well, I feel like, if we... (BLEEP) each other, 1300 01:01:04,670 --> 01:01:06,902 you know, in private, kinda work on our moves. 1301 01:01:06,904 --> 01:01:09,005 Then we kinda sell some tickets... 1302 01:01:09,007 --> 01:01:10,272 and we get an arena, you know? 1303 01:01:10,274 --> 01:01:11,674 And then we... (BLEEP) each other in the arena. 1304 01:01:11,676 --> 01:01:13,543 We get outfits. You know, like cool outfits. 1305 01:01:13,545 --> 01:01:14,844 And we... (BLEEP) each other... 1306 01:01:14,846 --> 01:01:16,545 and everyone's cheering and betting on who's gonna... 1307 01:01:16,547 --> 01:01:18,047 (BLEEP) each other the hardest. 1308 01:01:18,049 --> 01:01:19,415 And then, when it's all done, 1309 01:01:19,417 --> 01:01:21,085 there's gonna be a champion... (BLEEP) 1310 01:01:21,087 --> 01:01:22,351 And it'll be like, I think I'll win... 1311 01:01:22,353 --> 01:01:23,719 'cause I'm like a really strong... (BLEEP) 1312 01:01:23,721 --> 01:01:25,154 Right. Yeah, totally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1313 01:01:25,156 --> 01:01:27,089 And they'll be like, "Wait, no, lay off Matt Damon! 1314 01:01:27,091 --> 01:01:28,625 "You're... (BLEEP) him too hard!" 1315 01:01:28,627 --> 01:01:29,625 And I'm gonna say, 1316 01:01:29,627 --> 01:01:31,527 "No! I got a little more... (BLEEP) left in me." 1317 01:01:31,529 --> 01:01:32,728 And then I'm gonna... (BLEEP) 1318 01:01:32,730 --> 01:01:34,397 and I'm gonna... (BLEEP) and I'm gonna... (BLEEP) 1319 01:01:34,399 --> 01:01:35,565 Why are you buzzing that? 1320 01:01:35,567 --> 01:01:37,333 'Cause I feel like you're making it sound like 1321 01:01:37,335 --> 01:01:38,701 I'm saying something I'm not saying. 1322 01:01:38,703 --> 01:01:39,569 What are you saying? 1323 01:01:39,571 --> 01:01:40,837 I'm saying I wanna fight Matt Damon. 1324 01:01:40,839 --> 01:01:41,904 Oh! (LAUGHING) 1325 01:01:41,906 --> 01:01:43,206 You should've said so! 1326 01:01:43,208 --> 01:01:45,174 I thought you were saying... (BLEEP) Matt Damon. 1327 01:01:45,176 --> 01:01:46,241 - No! - No! 1328 01:01:46,243 --> 01:01:47,844 - That's crazy! - Crazy. 1329 01:01:47,846 --> 01:01:48,946 Why, did he ask about me? 1330 01:01:48,948 --> 01:01:50,013 No. 1331 01:01:50,015 --> 01:01:51,217 Okay. 1332 01:01:52,183 --> 01:01:54,284 All right, we could do this with four. 1333 01:01:54,286 --> 01:01:57,221 Sugarbear. You got this, buddy! 1334 01:01:57,223 --> 01:02:00,322 That's the stuff! That's the X-Force spirit! 1335 01:02:00,324 --> 01:02:02,493 Never underestimate a man with a mustache! 1336 01:02:02,495 --> 01:02:04,060 Just ask anyone in Brooklyn. 1337 01:02:04,062 --> 01:02:05,228 (WHOOPS) We did it! 1338 01:02:05,230 --> 01:02:07,029 You're a goddamn superhero, you! 1339 01:02:07,031 --> 01:02:08,266 X-Force! 1340 01:02:08,732 --> 01:02:09,734 X-Force. 1341 01:02:10,268 --> 01:02:11,801 Whoo-hoo! 1342 01:02:11,803 --> 01:02:12,969 (SCREAMING) 1343 01:02:12,971 --> 01:02:14,038 (WOOD CHIPPER WHIRRING) 1344 01:02:14,040 --> 01:02:15,942 - (GASPS) - Oh! 1345 01:02:16,975 --> 01:02:18,243 (EXHALES) 1346 01:02:19,710 --> 01:02:20,677 Peter. 1347 01:02:20,679 --> 01:02:22,378 PETER: I got you, buddy! You're gonna be fine! 1348 01:02:22,380 --> 01:02:24,346 You got this, big guy! Here we go, Peter! 1349 01:02:24,348 --> 01:02:26,616 Look at me. We're X-Force, right? 1350 01:02:26,618 --> 01:02:28,920 - Yeah, we're X-Force. - We're X-Force. 1351 01:02:32,457 --> 01:02:34,290 Oh, my gosh! What the...? 1352 01:02:34,292 --> 01:02:36,326 - Acidic vomit! - (SCREAMS) 1353 01:02:36,328 --> 01:02:39,596 Oh, God! I'm gonna throw up in my mask. 1354 01:02:39,598 --> 01:02:41,331 (EXHALES) 1355 01:02:41,333 --> 01:02:43,665 DOMINO: Okay, I'm over the convoy. 1356 01:02:43,667 --> 01:02:46,335 Where did the rest of the team land? 1357 01:02:46,337 --> 01:02:48,103 DEADPOOL: Good news and bad news. 1358 01:02:48,105 --> 01:02:51,306 Bad news is the whole team is dead. 1359 01:02:51,308 --> 01:02:52,542 The good news is, 1360 01:02:52,544 --> 01:02:54,478 I don't think anyone's gonna miss Shatterstar. 1361 01:02:54,480 --> 01:02:57,880 He was a bit of a prick. Oh, but Paul! 1362 01:02:57,882 --> 01:02:58,949 DOMINO: Peter! 1363 01:02:58,951 --> 01:03:00,217 Peter, I'm gonna miss him most. 1364 01:03:00,219 --> 01:03:01,351 DOMINO: The whole team? 1365 01:03:01,353 --> 01:03:03,152 Only the main ones. We're still good. 1366 01:03:03,154 --> 01:03:04,587 - (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) - You are so dumb. 1367 01:03:04,589 --> 01:03:07,322 Even after all this time, I still can't talk about it. 1368 01:03:07,324 --> 01:03:09,360 Who knew these winds would be so strong? 1369 01:03:09,362 --> 01:03:11,795 DOMINO: Everyone! Everyone on the helicopter! 1370 01:03:11,797 --> 01:03:13,766 And everyone not on the helicopter! 1371 01:03:15,667 --> 01:03:17,402 DEADPOOL: Looking good, Vanisher. 1372 01:03:26,277 --> 01:03:28,478 DOMINO: They're headed into the tunnel. 1373 01:03:28,480 --> 01:03:30,080 I'm that kid's only hope, 1374 01:03:30,082 --> 01:03:32,181 so sit tight and wait for my word. 1375 01:03:32,183 --> 01:03:33,482 DOMINO: I'm dropping in. 1376 01:03:33,484 --> 01:03:35,451 DEADPOOL: Uh, that's a negative, sole survivor. 1377 01:03:35,453 --> 01:03:38,721 Luck is not a superpower! We are so screwed! 1378 01:03:38,723 --> 01:03:41,824 No, we most certainly are not screwed. 1379 01:03:41,826 --> 01:03:44,562 - (CARS HORNS HONKING) - (BRAKES SCREECHING) 1380 01:03:45,663 --> 01:03:48,098 DEADPOOL: Seriously, I don't get it! 1381 01:03:48,100 --> 01:03:51,036 What, you shoot luck lasers out of your eyes? 1382 01:03:52,136 --> 01:03:53,837 It's just it's hard to picture. 1383 01:03:53,839 --> 01:03:56,042 And certainly not very cinematic. 1384 01:03:57,442 --> 01:04:00,610 I mean, luck? What kind of caffeine-chugging... 1385 01:04:00,612 --> 01:04:03,279 diet-soda-swillin' freakshow comic book artist... 1386 01:04:03,281 --> 01:04:04,781 came up with that little chestnut? 1387 01:04:04,783 --> 01:04:07,085 Probably a guy who can't draw feet! 1388 01:04:14,826 --> 01:04:17,860 Once again, it all falls on my shoulders. 1389 01:04:17,862 --> 01:04:19,263 It's why I'm cursed to be a solo act. 1390 01:04:19,265 --> 01:04:20,397 - Wander the Earth... - I'm in. 1391 01:04:20,399 --> 01:04:22,031 I'm sorry, what did you say? 1392 01:04:22,033 --> 01:04:22,965 I'm in. 1393 01:04:22,967 --> 01:04:25,701 How in the name of Satan are you in already? 1394 01:04:25,703 --> 01:04:27,069 Oh, shit. 1395 01:04:27,071 --> 01:04:28,404 It's Cable. 12 o'clock. 1396 01:04:28,406 --> 01:04:29,505 DEADPOOL: Okay. 1397 01:04:29,507 --> 01:04:31,907 New plan. Use all of your imaginary powers 1398 01:04:31,909 --> 01:04:34,944 to stop Cable from killing that kid. 1399 01:04:34,946 --> 01:04:36,649 I'm coming up on your six. 1400 01:04:44,156 --> 01:04:46,121 That gun is amazing! 1401 01:04:46,123 --> 01:04:48,627 - (GRUNTS) - (TIRES SCREECHING) 1402 01:04:56,234 --> 01:04:57,967 DOMINO: Where is he? I can't see him. 1403 01:04:57,969 --> 01:04:59,571 DEADPOOL: He's on the top. 1404 01:05:03,741 --> 01:05:05,609 DEADPOOL: He's in! He's in! 1405 01:05:05,611 --> 01:05:07,844 Russell! Russell Collins! 1406 01:05:07,846 --> 01:05:10,082 DEADPOOL: Hands off that kid, John Connor! 1407 01:05:19,324 --> 01:05:20,625 Shit! 1408 01:05:21,359 --> 01:05:23,128 (PRISONER SCREAMING) 1409 01:05:23,995 --> 01:05:24,996 (GRUNTS) 1410 01:05:33,071 --> 01:05:34,607 (BEEPING RAPIDLY) 1411 01:05:42,380 --> 01:05:44,516 DEADPOOL: Two can play that game! 1412 01:05:46,384 --> 01:05:47,784 Got it! 1413 01:05:47,786 --> 01:05:49,018 No, I don't. 1414 01:05:49,020 --> 01:05:50,087 Showtime, mama! 1415 01:05:50,089 --> 01:05:51,791 Lady Luck, take the wheel. 1416 01:05:59,797 --> 01:06:00,799 (GUN CLICKS) 1417 01:06:06,337 --> 01:06:07,540 (GROANS) 1418 01:06:13,578 --> 01:06:14,779 Eat me, mutant! 1419 01:06:15,312 --> 01:06:16,515 DEADPOOL: Ouchie! 1420 01:06:21,553 --> 01:06:22,788 (HORNS HONKING) 1421 01:06:23,554 --> 01:06:24,757 (DOMINO GRUNTING) 1422 01:06:25,623 --> 01:06:27,560 (BOTH GRUNTING) 1423 01:06:40,239 --> 01:06:41,240 Hang in there, Doms! 1424 01:06:42,507 --> 01:06:43,973 Oh, this is really hard. 1425 01:06:43,975 --> 01:06:45,177 (TIRES SCREECHING) 1426 01:06:54,419 --> 01:06:55,485 (GUNSHOT) 1427 01:06:55,487 --> 01:06:57,022 And give me back my Skee-Ball token. 1428 01:07:00,458 --> 01:07:02,094 - You're doing great. - X-Force. 1429 01:07:03,862 --> 01:07:06,128 I guess dubstep never dies. 1430 01:07:06,130 --> 01:07:07,866 (BANGARANG PLAYING) 1431 01:07:10,301 --> 01:07:11,504 Whoo! 1432 01:07:12,504 --> 01:07:13,706 (LAUGHING) 1433 01:07:15,040 --> 01:07:16,105 (BLACK TOM GROANS) 1434 01:07:16,107 --> 01:07:17,107 (DEADPOOL GASPS) 1435 01:07:17,109 --> 01:07:19,745 You killed Black Tom, you racist son of a... 1436 01:07:20,879 --> 01:07:21,880 (GROWLS) 1437 01:07:22,513 --> 01:07:23,748 That's unfortunate. 1438 01:07:26,652 --> 01:07:28,183 We got no brakes! 1439 01:07:28,185 --> 01:07:29,587 (STRAINING) Figure it out! 1440 01:07:30,054 --> 01:07:31,257 (BOTH GRUNTING) 1441 01:07:32,690 --> 01:07:34,526 There's nothing I can't kill. 1442 01:07:36,261 --> 01:07:37,627 Ooh. 1443 01:07:37,629 --> 01:07:41,065 Somebody knows karate. 1444 01:07:43,167 --> 01:07:45,003 Give me your best shot, One-Eyed Willy. 1445 01:07:56,281 --> 01:07:57,346 (PANTING) 1446 01:07:57,348 --> 01:07:59,315 Those bullets are like, super fast. 1447 01:07:59,317 --> 01:08:00,750 Here we go. 1448 01:08:00,752 --> 01:08:03,252 Domino, mind slowing us down? 1449 01:08:03,254 --> 01:08:05,087 (SIGHS) Here goes nothing. 1450 01:08:05,089 --> 01:08:06,257 (HORN HONKING) 1451 01:08:07,558 --> 01:08:09,160 (BOTH GRUNTING) 1452 01:08:11,395 --> 01:08:12,765 (HONKING) 1453 01:08:23,541 --> 01:08:24,876 (GRUNTS) 1454 01:08:25,943 --> 01:08:26,946 (GROANS) 1455 01:08:30,782 --> 01:08:32,150 MAN: Knock, knock. 1456 01:08:37,922 --> 01:08:39,188 That's my boy. 1457 01:08:39,190 --> 01:08:40,759 (BOTH GRUNTING) 1458 01:08:44,562 --> 01:08:46,129 Holy... 1459 01:08:46,131 --> 01:08:47,132 (GRUNTS) 1460 01:08:50,769 --> 01:08:52,371 (ONLY TIME PLAYING) 1461 01:08:54,605 --> 01:08:56,438 (YELLING) 1462 01:08:56,440 --> 01:08:57,973 DEADPOOL: I'll be first to admit... 1463 01:08:57,975 --> 01:09:00,612 this did not go according to plan. 1464 01:09:01,712 --> 01:09:03,413 I'll also be the first to admit that 1465 01:09:03,415 --> 01:09:05,615 that plan was written in crayon. 1466 01:09:05,617 --> 01:09:08,485 Looks like Russell found a new friend. 1467 01:09:08,487 --> 01:09:10,087 Turns out Domino's a bit of a badass, 1468 01:09:10,089 --> 01:09:13,222 and maybe, possibly mildly lucky. 1469 01:09:13,224 --> 01:09:16,659 But Cable? Ugh. That guy's in a mood. 1470 01:09:16,661 --> 01:09:17,727 (CHUCKLES) A mood that is 1471 01:09:17,729 --> 01:09:19,764 about to get significantly worse. 1472 01:09:20,965 --> 01:09:21,967 (SQUEAKS) 1473 01:09:25,970 --> 01:09:26,972 (SIGHS) 1474 01:09:39,617 --> 01:09:41,285 (GROANS) 1475 01:09:43,187 --> 01:09:45,791 Something is so terribly, terribly wrong. 1476 01:09:48,659 --> 01:09:50,095 - Oh. - (NECK SNAPS) 1477 01:09:51,028 --> 01:09:52,094 (GROANS) 1478 01:09:52,096 --> 01:09:53,698 Oh, man, that hurt. 1479 01:09:55,666 --> 01:09:57,268 (GROANING) 1480 01:09:59,002 --> 01:10:00,072 Russell. 1481 01:10:02,639 --> 01:10:03,908 Russell! 1482 01:10:04,475 --> 01:10:06,679 Russ, where are ya? 1483 01:10:09,980 --> 01:10:12,382 Russell. Russell, you're okay! 1484 01:10:12,384 --> 01:10:15,752 Oh, thank... Oh, my God! 1485 01:10:15,754 --> 01:10:17,186 Juggernaut! 1486 01:10:17,188 --> 01:10:18,320 (GASPS) 1487 01:10:18,322 --> 01:10:20,389 I thought that was you! 1488 01:10:20,391 --> 01:10:22,959 I should've worn my white pants. 1489 01:10:22,961 --> 01:10:26,929 You probably get this a lot, but I am a huge fan. 1490 01:10:26,931 --> 01:10:30,465 Uncanny X-Men 183. Thor 411. 1491 01:10:30,467 --> 01:10:31,734 X-Men Unlimited 12. 1492 01:10:31,736 --> 01:10:33,902 You know, it has always been a dream of mine... 1493 01:10:33,904 --> 01:10:35,838 to see my face reflected in your helmet... 1494 01:10:35,840 --> 01:10:37,940 as you charge at me with murderous intent. 1495 01:10:37,942 --> 01:10:39,842 I don't mean right now. 1496 01:10:39,844 --> 01:10:41,878 I'm gonna rip you in half now. 1497 01:10:41,880 --> 01:10:44,347 (LAUGHS) That is such a Juggernaut thing to say. 1498 01:10:44,349 --> 01:10:46,217 (DEADPOOL SCREAMING) 1499 01:10:47,685 --> 01:10:48,920 Oh, my God! 1500 01:11:01,032 --> 01:11:03,600 Oh, my God! I can't feel my legs. 1501 01:11:03,602 --> 01:11:04,803 I can't feel... 1502 01:11:05,703 --> 01:11:07,803 Oh, no, they're right here. 1503 01:11:07,805 --> 01:11:09,672 Got 'em. Russell. 1504 01:11:09,674 --> 01:11:11,342 I have a mission. 1505 01:11:11,909 --> 01:11:13,676 To get my revenge. 1506 01:11:13,678 --> 01:11:15,945 I'm going to burn that headmaster alive. 1507 01:11:15,947 --> 01:11:18,347 You're not the revenge type. 1508 01:11:18,349 --> 01:11:19,981 Take it from a friend. 1509 01:11:19,983 --> 01:11:23,352 Friend? You said it yourself. 1510 01:11:23,354 --> 01:11:26,155 "I'm not your friend. Find someone stronger." 1511 01:11:26,157 --> 01:11:27,389 So I did. 1512 01:11:27,391 --> 01:11:28,657 (GRUNTS) 1513 01:11:28,659 --> 01:11:30,860 Russell, I couldn't protect you back then. 1514 01:11:30,862 --> 01:11:34,230 But I can now. What do you want me to say, huh? 1515 01:11:34,232 --> 01:11:38,133 "I care about you"? 'Cause I care about you, Russell. 1516 01:11:38,135 --> 01:11:40,203 What's Juggernaut got that I don't have? 1517 01:11:40,205 --> 01:11:43,205 Don't you say legs! I know you're gonna say legs! 1518 01:11:43,207 --> 01:11:46,277 - Legs! - Still hurts to hear out loud! 1519 01:11:48,279 --> 01:11:51,380 What is that? That's not a real rope! 1520 01:11:51,382 --> 01:11:53,885 - You get back here, young man! - (SIRENS WAILING) 1521 01:11:54,685 --> 01:11:56,151 Doms! 1522 01:11:56,153 --> 01:11:58,288 Doms, get me out of here, please. 1523 01:11:58,290 --> 01:12:00,893 Use my arms as backpack straps. 1524 01:12:03,562 --> 01:12:04,694 I think we may have found 1525 01:12:04,696 --> 01:12:06,995 your cosmic reason for being here. 1526 01:12:06,997 --> 01:12:08,798 I'm pretty sure this isn't it. 1527 01:12:08,800 --> 01:12:10,235 DEADPOOL: X-Force. 1528 01:12:23,348 --> 01:12:25,280 BLIND AL: No child is hopeless. 1529 01:12:25,282 --> 01:12:28,918 - Don't give up on the boy. - How could he just walk away? 1530 01:12:28,920 --> 01:12:31,721 It was the coldness in his eyes. 1531 01:12:31,723 --> 01:12:33,391 You should've heard it. 1532 01:12:34,224 --> 01:12:35,124 (WADE SIGHS) 1533 01:12:35,126 --> 01:12:37,563 I guess family really is an F-word. 1534 01:12:38,430 --> 01:12:40,696 (GROANS) Rub my legs, Mama. 1535 01:12:40,698 --> 01:12:42,063 Why would I rub your legs? 1536 01:12:42,065 --> 01:12:45,235 Please, they hurt. I have growing pains. 1537 01:12:45,237 --> 01:12:46,505 (BLIND AL SIGHS) 1538 01:12:48,306 --> 01:12:49,871 What in the... 1539 01:12:49,873 --> 01:12:52,674 Why is your hand so tiny again? 1540 01:12:52,676 --> 01:12:54,576 That's not my hand. 1541 01:12:54,578 --> 01:12:56,913 Oh! Mary, mother of Joseph! 1542 01:12:56,915 --> 01:12:58,882 - That was nice for me. - (DOOR OPENS) 1543 01:12:58,884 --> 01:13:01,749 Wade! I heard what happened with the convoy and... 1544 01:13:01,751 --> 01:13:02,987 (GASPS) 1545 01:13:04,488 --> 01:13:06,088 (WEASEL RETCHES) 1546 01:13:06,090 --> 01:13:08,356 Why wouldn't you cover that up? 1547 01:13:08,358 --> 01:13:11,593 A warrior has nothing to be ashamed of. 1548 01:13:11,595 --> 01:13:13,128 Yeah, but you do. Look at you. 1549 01:13:13,130 --> 01:13:14,463 You're just straight, just... 1550 01:13:14,465 --> 01:13:16,398 Full Winnie the Pooh. 1551 01:13:16,400 --> 01:13:18,168 Toddler style? 1552 01:13:18,170 --> 01:13:19,134 Yes, sir. 1553 01:13:19,136 --> 01:13:20,870 FRED: Wait, hold on, hold on. Hold on. 1554 01:13:20,872 --> 01:13:25,508 If the top half of Deadpool is growing baby legs... 1555 01:13:25,510 --> 01:13:28,944 does that mean the bottom half is growing a baby head? 1556 01:13:28,946 --> 01:13:30,178 Well, I don't see why that matters. 1557 01:13:30,180 --> 01:13:31,481 I think it matters a lot. 1558 01:13:31,483 --> 01:13:33,583 I mean, if you want us to buy the regeneration thing, 1559 01:13:33,585 --> 01:13:34,650 you gotta address it. 1560 01:13:34,652 --> 01:13:36,018 Are there two Deadpools now? 1561 01:13:36,020 --> 01:13:38,521 And if so, what's the other one doing? 1562 01:13:38,523 --> 01:13:39,387 And is he like you? 1563 01:13:39,389 --> 01:13:41,725 Does he have the same personality as you? 1564 01:13:41,727 --> 01:13:42,825 Or the same memories? 1565 01:13:42,827 --> 01:13:43,959 And if he does, 1566 01:13:43,961 --> 01:13:45,361 then is he going to re-enter the plot later? 1567 01:13:45,363 --> 01:13:46,862 'Cause he should. 1568 01:13:46,864 --> 01:13:48,298 You're really freaking me out right now. 1569 01:13:48,300 --> 01:13:49,999 And if that one got cut in half, 1570 01:13:50,001 --> 01:13:51,167 then there would be three Deadpools? 1571 01:13:51,169 --> 01:13:53,069 I mean, you can see where it all falls apart. 1572 01:13:53,071 --> 01:13:54,971 And quite frankly, why I prefer Marvel. 1573 01:13:54,973 --> 01:13:56,039 We are Marvel. 1574 01:13:56,041 --> 01:13:58,277 (LAUGHS) Hilarious. You're Fox. 1575 01:13:59,777 --> 01:14:00,942 Describe it. 1576 01:14:00,944 --> 01:14:02,210 I wouldn't ask him to do that, if I were you. 1577 01:14:02,212 --> 01:14:03,847 - WEASEL: It's like, um... - Here we go. 1578 01:14:03,849 --> 01:14:05,214 It's like he's a Muppet from the waist down. 1579 01:14:05,216 --> 01:14:07,450 But this time, you can see the Muppet's twig. 1580 01:14:07,452 --> 01:14:09,352 DOPINDER: Mr. Weasel, I can no longer be double-parked. 1581 01:14:09,354 --> 01:14:10,956 I've had three tickets already. (SCREAMS) 1582 01:14:12,822 --> 01:14:15,391 No, no, no, DP, not again! 1583 01:14:15,393 --> 01:14:17,026 - This has happened before? - Yeah. 1584 01:14:17,028 --> 01:14:18,128 (DOPINDER RETCHING) 1585 01:14:18,130 --> 01:14:19,395 - (DOOR OPENS) - Dopinder, either vomit 1586 01:14:19,397 --> 01:14:21,097 or don't. The indecision is killing me. 1587 01:14:21,099 --> 01:14:23,201 Why couldn't God take my hearing? 1588 01:14:24,935 --> 01:14:26,870 Oh. Wow! 1589 01:14:26,872 --> 01:14:28,637 Cool your pits. They're growing back. 1590 01:14:28,639 --> 01:14:30,373 I'm talking about your face. 1591 01:14:30,375 --> 01:14:32,407 I've never seen you without your mask before. 1592 01:14:32,409 --> 01:14:34,811 - Jesus Christ! - Looks like an avocado. 1593 01:14:34,813 --> 01:14:36,779 DOMINO: Your legs, though, they're cute. 1594 01:14:36,781 --> 01:14:38,617 You wanna borrow a pair of pants? 1595 01:14:40,083 --> 01:14:41,450 I'm glad everybody dropped by. 1596 01:14:41,452 --> 01:14:44,587 You must be wondering why I didn't call you here. 1597 01:14:44,589 --> 01:14:46,121 I'll tell you why I'm here. 1598 01:14:46,123 --> 01:14:48,391 The Time Traveler's Wife's husband... 1599 01:14:48,393 --> 01:14:49,792 beat me within an inch of my life. 1600 01:14:49,794 --> 01:14:51,061 He was torturing me! 1601 01:14:51,063 --> 01:14:54,097 But all I told him was everything he wanted to know. 1602 01:14:54,099 --> 01:14:56,732 So, I'm here to help us gear up. 1603 01:14:56,734 --> 01:14:57,999 So we can go after him without me. 1604 01:14:58,001 --> 01:14:59,535 WADE: No! 1605 01:14:59,537 --> 01:15:00,937 I'm doing this alone. 1606 01:15:00,939 --> 01:15:02,004 The Juggernaut 1607 01:15:02,006 --> 01:15:03,338 - will kill you all. - Fair enough. 1608 01:15:03,340 --> 01:15:04,940 WADE: I don't care what the kid did to me. 1609 01:15:04,942 --> 01:15:06,275 I ain't letting Cable get to him. 1610 01:15:06,277 --> 01:15:08,744 I just need a couple of hours to get some legs under me. 1611 01:15:08,746 --> 01:15:09,844 What will you do? 1612 01:15:09,846 --> 01:15:10,913 The first order of business is 1613 01:15:10,915 --> 01:15:12,080 to get me in front of Cable... 1614 01:15:12,082 --> 01:15:13,281 so I can pull all the blood out of his body... 1615 01:15:13,283 --> 01:15:15,817 and fashion his bones into holiday jewelry. 1616 01:15:15,819 --> 01:15:17,486 Then, I'm gonna take his skin... 1617 01:15:17,488 --> 01:15:20,759 and stretch it out over a homemade mating drum. 1618 01:15:22,027 --> 01:15:23,761 He's standing right behind you, isn't he? 1619 01:15:27,431 --> 01:15:28,433 (COCKS GUN) 1620 01:15:32,537 --> 01:15:34,236 What in the ass? 1621 01:15:34,238 --> 01:15:37,473 Is this apartment listed on Tinder? Grindr? 1622 01:15:37,475 --> 01:15:39,678 You're much taller in the comics. 1623 01:15:41,144 --> 01:15:43,647 Ugh. Is that really necessary? 1624 01:15:47,752 --> 01:15:49,718 - Why? - No. 1625 01:15:49,720 --> 01:15:51,353 What can we help you with? 1626 01:15:51,355 --> 01:15:53,257 I'm here to proposition you. 1627 01:15:54,658 --> 01:15:55,525 (LAUGHS) Oh, boy! 1628 01:15:55,527 --> 01:15:56,926 He's really teeing it up, isn't he? 1629 01:15:56,928 --> 01:15:58,794 Who gets to make the first joke? 1630 01:15:58,796 --> 01:16:00,495 I think we should all do it at the same time. 1631 01:16:00,497 --> 01:16:01,396 Good call. 1632 01:16:01,398 --> 01:16:02,597 For $45, you get succotash. 1633 01:16:02,599 --> 01:16:04,834 BOTH: I only do over the pants, mouth stuff. 1634 01:16:04,836 --> 01:16:05,901 The Proposition has a wonderful 1635 01:16:05,903 --> 01:16:07,136 Guy Pearce performance. 1636 01:16:07,138 --> 01:16:09,038 WADE: Wait, wait, wait! I wanna do mine over. 1637 01:16:09,040 --> 01:16:11,641 - Give us the line again. - I need your help! 1638 01:16:11,643 --> 01:16:14,110 Trust me, I'm even less happy about this than you are... 1639 01:16:14,112 --> 01:16:15,977 but you unleashed the Juggernaut. 1640 01:16:15,979 --> 01:16:18,548 I can't bring him down alone. 1641 01:16:18,550 --> 01:16:19,751 So here we are. 1642 01:16:20,952 --> 01:16:22,718 We're no longer accepting applications 1643 01:16:22,720 --> 01:16:23,852 for X-Force, unfortunately. 1644 01:16:23,854 --> 01:16:25,053 We don't have a lot of time. 1645 01:16:25,055 --> 01:16:26,923 Your friend's about to make his first kill. 1646 01:16:26,925 --> 01:16:28,357 No offense, but if you know so much... 1647 01:16:28,359 --> 01:16:31,026 why not travel back to when he was a baby, kill him then? 1648 01:16:31,028 --> 01:16:33,161 I use a device to slide through time. 1649 01:16:33,163 --> 01:16:35,632 The longer I travel, the harder it is to control. 1650 01:16:35,634 --> 01:16:38,567 I got two charges: one to get me here, 1651 01:16:38,569 --> 01:16:39,869 one to get me home. 1652 01:16:39,871 --> 01:16:40,969 Well. 1653 01:16:40,971 --> 01:16:42,271 That's just lazy writing. 1654 01:16:42,273 --> 01:16:45,143 Oh, yeah. I get it. I see what you did there. 1655 01:16:45,409 --> 01:16:46,575 What? 1656 01:16:46,577 --> 01:16:48,910 Jokes about lazy writing to cover up actual lazy writing. 1657 01:16:48,912 --> 01:16:50,980 Why don't you just write better? 1658 01:16:50,982 --> 01:16:53,147 Why don't you just shut up? 1659 01:16:53,149 --> 01:16:54,984 Your boy's gonna kill the headmaster 1660 01:16:54,986 --> 01:16:56,451 of the orphanage tonight. 1661 01:16:56,453 --> 01:16:58,887 After that, he gets a real taste for it. 1662 01:16:58,889 --> 01:17:00,956 Like a 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst. 1663 01:17:00,958 --> 01:17:02,790 So he keeps killing... 1664 01:17:02,792 --> 01:17:04,226 and killing, and killing, 1665 01:17:04,228 --> 01:17:05,962 - and killing. - (GUNS COCKING) 1666 01:17:05,964 --> 01:17:09,167 Until one day, he kills the wrong people. 1667 01:17:11,736 --> 01:17:13,238 My people. 1668 01:17:17,007 --> 01:17:18,206 Relax. 1669 01:17:18,208 --> 01:17:20,810 I'm retrieving something from my utility bag. 1670 01:17:20,812 --> 01:17:23,145 It's a goddamn fanny pack... 1671 01:17:23,147 --> 01:17:26,014 and you know it, you sick son of a bitch! 1672 01:17:26,016 --> 01:17:27,751 The difference is night and day. 1673 01:17:29,386 --> 01:17:31,853 You remind me of my wife. 1674 01:17:31,855 --> 01:17:33,255 I'm sorry. 1675 01:17:33,257 --> 01:17:34,557 I said, "You remind me of my wife." 1676 01:17:34,559 --> 01:17:35,825 No, I'm sorry that you said that... 1677 01:17:35,827 --> 01:17:38,761 while making heavy eye contact and applying lip balm. 1678 01:17:38,763 --> 01:17:39,898 CABLE: She always struggled. 1679 01:17:40,997 --> 01:17:42,464 But she was funny... 1680 01:17:42,466 --> 01:17:45,869 and filtered her pain through the prism of humor. 1681 01:17:45,871 --> 01:17:48,273 Something I could never master. 1682 01:17:48,907 --> 01:17:51,376 It was my fault she died. 1683 01:17:52,676 --> 01:17:56,445 It was my job to stop people like him. 1684 01:17:56,447 --> 01:17:58,617 - I came close a few times. - (TOMORROW PLAYING) 1685 01:18:02,586 --> 01:18:04,589 He wasn't too happy about that. 1686 01:18:06,055 --> 01:18:07,255 He was trying to hurt me... 1687 01:18:07,257 --> 01:18:10,162 and he knew exactly how to do it. 1688 01:18:11,562 --> 01:18:13,361 OLDER RUSSELL: Blessed are the wicked 1689 01:18:13,363 --> 01:18:15,866 who are healed by my hand. 1690 01:18:18,970 --> 01:18:21,236 CABLE: He came into my home... 1691 01:18:21,238 --> 01:18:24,509 and took the only thing that made it a home. 1692 01:18:26,778 --> 01:18:28,380 Sound familiar? 1693 01:18:29,247 --> 01:18:31,047 - I'm sorry. - Uh-huh. 1694 01:18:31,049 --> 01:18:32,850 No, I'm really sorry. 1695 01:18:34,885 --> 01:18:36,718 But that isn't Russell. 1696 01:18:36,720 --> 01:18:39,053 - It doesn't have to be him. - If you knew what I knew... 1697 01:18:39,055 --> 01:18:40,990 Yeah, he's got anger issues... 1698 01:18:40,992 --> 01:18:42,659 maybe a small learning disability... 1699 01:18:42,661 --> 01:18:44,093 splash of diabetes... 1700 01:18:44,095 --> 01:18:45,393 but nothing that can't be fixed. 1701 01:18:45,395 --> 01:18:46,962 If you could go back... 1702 01:18:46,964 --> 01:18:49,999 and stop the people that took your girl, would you? 1703 01:18:50,001 --> 01:18:51,165 Of course I would. 1704 01:18:51,167 --> 01:18:52,301 But I wouldn't kill a kid. 1705 01:18:52,303 --> 01:18:54,837 I'm not asking you to kill a kid! 1706 01:18:54,839 --> 01:18:56,237 I'll kill the kid. 1707 01:18:56,239 --> 01:18:59,674 I'm asking you to save hundreds of other kids. 1708 01:18:59,676 --> 01:19:02,177 Russell's gonna burn down that orphanage. 1709 01:19:02,179 --> 01:19:04,246 And I can imagine your dead girlfriend... 1710 01:19:04,248 --> 01:19:07,415 would want you to do the right thing, wouldn't she? 1711 01:19:07,417 --> 01:19:10,852 So, what's it gonna be, handsome? 1712 01:19:10,854 --> 01:19:12,454 Give me a chance to save him. 1713 01:19:12,456 --> 01:19:13,856 - What? - You said... 1714 01:19:13,858 --> 01:19:15,590 once he kills someone, he gets a taste for it. 1715 01:19:15,592 --> 01:19:18,127 If we can get to him before that happens... 1716 01:19:18,129 --> 01:19:19,895 promise you'll give me a chance 1717 01:19:19,897 --> 01:19:21,798 to put him on a different path. 1718 01:19:21,800 --> 01:19:23,065 Define "chance." 1719 01:19:23,067 --> 01:19:24,366 I don't know. How long does it take 1720 01:19:24,368 --> 01:19:25,500 to save someone's soul? That's not... 1721 01:19:25,502 --> 01:19:27,035 I'll give you 30 seconds. 1722 01:19:27,037 --> 01:19:29,038 - What? No! - Best I can do. 1723 01:19:29,040 --> 01:19:30,475 Take it or leave it. 1724 01:19:40,650 --> 01:19:42,317 - (CABLE GROANS) - WEASEL: He's doing it! 1725 01:19:42,319 --> 01:19:43,986 Look at the little fella. He's doing it. 1726 01:19:43,988 --> 01:19:45,987 - (RETCHES) - There he goes. 1727 01:19:45,989 --> 01:19:47,524 CABLE: Jesus Christ! 1728 01:19:48,992 --> 01:19:49,995 Ugh. 1729 01:19:50,761 --> 01:19:52,995 WEASEL: There you go, little fella. 1730 01:19:52,997 --> 01:19:54,663 Go on, you're doing it! 1731 01:19:54,665 --> 01:19:58,269 My beautiful, hairless, Twizzler-legged baby boy. 1732 01:19:59,903 --> 01:20:01,102 DOMINO: Geez. 1733 01:20:01,104 --> 01:20:02,771 That's disturbing. 1734 01:20:02,773 --> 01:20:03,975 30 seconds. 1735 01:20:09,447 --> 01:20:11,049 - Deal. - Deal. 1736 01:20:13,518 --> 01:20:16,218 BLIND AL: I have no idea what's happening. 1737 01:20:16,220 --> 01:20:17,889 (SOFTLY) Probably for the best. 1738 01:20:19,424 --> 01:20:23,057 DEADPOOL: And that is why you never eat a raw starfish. 1739 01:20:23,059 --> 01:20:25,294 It's just common sense. 1740 01:20:25,296 --> 01:20:26,695 Where the hell are we going? 1741 01:20:26,697 --> 01:20:28,030 DEADPOOL: You said it yourself. 1742 01:20:28,032 --> 01:20:30,965 Nothing can stop the Juggernaut. We need backup. 1743 01:20:30,967 --> 01:20:34,035 I will bathe in the blood of your enemies. 1744 01:20:34,037 --> 01:20:36,407 (BOLLYWOOD MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO) 1745 01:20:38,242 --> 01:20:39,944 Can you turn off the music? 1746 01:20:40,944 --> 01:20:42,878 You'll do no such thing. 1747 01:20:42,880 --> 01:20:45,013 Why don't you just say it in an Indian accent? 1748 01:20:45,015 --> 01:20:46,581 - I'm sorry? - Apology accepted. 1749 01:20:46,583 --> 01:20:48,884 This is a side of you I do not like. 1750 01:20:48,886 --> 01:20:49,951 Let me guess, 1751 01:20:49,953 --> 01:20:51,987 some of your best friends in the future are Indian. 1752 01:20:51,989 --> 01:20:52,922 What the hell are you...? 1753 01:20:52,924 --> 01:20:55,089 Once again, intolerance rears its ugly head. 1754 01:20:55,091 --> 01:20:56,592 I am so sorry. It gets better. 1755 01:20:56,594 --> 01:20:58,227 I'm not a racist, moron! 1756 01:20:58,229 --> 01:21:00,195 Precisely what a racist would say. 1757 01:21:00,197 --> 01:21:01,963 I'm with the old white guy on this one. 1758 01:21:01,965 --> 01:21:03,398 And that's a twist. 1759 01:21:03,400 --> 01:21:04,566 DEADPOOL: So what exactly do you 1760 01:21:04,568 --> 01:21:05,834 do in the future, anyway, huh? 1761 01:21:05,836 --> 01:21:07,402 Some kind of soldier? 1762 01:21:07,404 --> 01:21:09,271 Yeah, something like that. 1763 01:21:09,273 --> 01:21:11,539 DEADPOOL: I was a soldier. Special Forces. 1764 01:21:11,541 --> 01:21:14,243 I bet 50 years from now, we're bestest buddies. 1765 01:21:14,245 --> 01:21:16,145 50 years from now, you're very dead. 1766 01:21:16,147 --> 01:21:18,981 Your entire generation failed this planet into a coma. 1767 01:21:18,983 --> 01:21:20,415 Boom! (IMITATES EXPLOSION) 1768 01:21:20,417 --> 01:21:21,816 Spoiler alert. 1769 01:21:21,818 --> 01:21:22,884 (SNICKERS) 1770 01:21:22,886 --> 01:21:24,218 (SIGHS) Planets. 1771 01:21:24,220 --> 01:21:25,588 Here's a spoiler alert. 1772 01:21:25,590 --> 01:21:26,955 I should have finished college. 1773 01:21:26,957 --> 01:21:30,493 You're just an annoying clown dressed up as a sex toy. 1774 01:21:30,495 --> 01:21:31,692 DEADPOOL: Well, I got news for you. 1775 01:21:31,694 --> 01:21:33,161 My heart is in the right place. 1776 01:21:33,163 --> 01:21:34,663 Russell's not gonna kill anyone. 1777 01:21:34,665 --> 01:21:36,898 Because of me, he's gonna know what real love looks like. 1778 01:21:36,900 --> 01:21:37,767 We're all gonna die. 1779 01:21:37,769 --> 01:21:38,968 Because of you, I'll always know 1780 01:21:38,970 --> 01:21:41,337 what a grown man with baby balls looks like. 1781 01:21:41,339 --> 01:21:43,405 I'm a grower, not a shower. 1782 01:21:43,407 --> 01:21:44,472 God, I wish this were a bus, 1783 01:21:44,474 --> 01:21:45,775 so I could pull the string and get out. 1784 01:21:45,777 --> 01:21:47,575 It's a good thing Cable's not driving, 1785 01:21:47,577 --> 01:21:48,877 or you'd be in the back. 1786 01:21:48,879 --> 01:21:49,945 I am in the back. 1787 01:21:49,947 --> 01:21:51,379 DEADPOOL: Right here! 1788 01:21:51,381 --> 01:21:52,884 (BRAKES SCREECHING) 1789 01:21:54,318 --> 01:21:56,620 (IN YOUR EYES PLAYING ON BOOM BOX) 1790 01:22:07,163 --> 01:22:08,532 (GROANS) 1791 01:22:09,399 --> 01:22:11,432 DEADPOOL: I made mistakes! 1792 01:22:11,434 --> 01:22:13,334 I wanna take them back! 1793 01:22:13,336 --> 01:22:16,672 You trusted me. I took that trust... 1794 01:22:16,674 --> 01:22:18,173 and turned it into a toilet stall 1795 01:22:18,175 --> 01:22:19,340 in an airport bathroom. 1796 01:22:19,342 --> 01:22:22,678 The one in Minneapolis. You know the one. 1797 01:22:22,680 --> 01:22:25,780 But even you know I was once an X-Man. 1798 01:22:25,782 --> 01:22:26,917 Trainee! 1799 01:22:27,919 --> 01:22:28,920 (MUSIC STOPS) 1800 01:22:31,455 --> 01:22:34,121 You're still using my Velcro labels. Aw. 1801 01:22:34,123 --> 01:22:35,624 They do stick better than tape. 1802 01:22:35,626 --> 01:22:37,258 - Hi, Wade! - Please don't. 1803 01:22:37,260 --> 01:22:40,596 Say whatever it is you're here to say. Make it quick. 1804 01:22:40,598 --> 01:22:42,230 Right. Quick. It's this kid. 1805 01:22:42,232 --> 01:22:43,598 Just like you, I let him down. 1806 01:22:43,600 --> 01:22:44,932 And just like me, 1807 01:22:44,934 --> 01:22:46,302 he's never had anyone sacrifice anything for him... 1808 01:22:46,304 --> 01:22:48,404 because the entire world wrote him off a long time ago. 1809 01:22:48,406 --> 01:22:50,605 Look, he's teamed up with the Juggernaut! 1810 01:22:50,607 --> 01:22:51,840 (GASPS) The Juggernaut! 1811 01:22:51,842 --> 01:22:53,843 Who's like my favorite Marvel character ever. 1812 01:22:53,845 --> 01:22:55,111 And hi, Yukio! 1813 01:22:55,113 --> 01:22:57,312 That was really nice of you to say hi, so I'm saying hi back. 1814 01:22:57,314 --> 01:22:59,949 You guys make a super cute couple. Yeah. 1815 01:22:59,951 --> 01:23:01,116 Where was I? Oh, yeah. 1816 01:23:01,118 --> 01:23:02,919 You should never meet your heroes, because honestly... 1817 01:23:02,921 --> 01:23:04,219 it causes nothing but problems. 1818 01:23:04,221 --> 01:23:07,688 Look, you can stop the Juggernaut. I know you can. 1819 01:23:07,690 --> 01:23:10,959 Do you know what would happen to me if I helped you? 1820 01:23:10,961 --> 01:23:12,928 I would be disgraced. 1821 01:23:12,930 --> 01:23:15,030 You are a criminal, a fugitive. 1822 01:23:15,032 --> 01:23:18,736 But worst of all, you broke my heart, Wade. 1823 01:23:19,970 --> 01:23:23,838 You know what? Your heart's in the wrong place, big guy. 1824 01:23:23,840 --> 01:23:26,741 Doing the right thing is sometimes messy... 1825 01:23:26,743 --> 01:23:30,344 and screwed up, and not particularly convenient! 1826 01:23:30,346 --> 01:23:33,348 So stay here in Chateau de Virgin... 1827 01:23:33,350 --> 01:23:35,553 while we go get our game on! 1828 01:23:38,456 --> 01:23:39,958 DOMINO: You're doing great. 1829 01:23:42,760 --> 01:23:45,393 - (CAR DOOR CLOSES) - (ENGINE STARTS) 1830 01:23:45,395 --> 01:23:46,829 RUSSELL: So you wear that helmet because 1831 01:23:46,831 --> 01:23:48,630 your brother tries to read your mind? 1832 01:23:48,632 --> 01:23:51,866 JUGGERNAUT: Yeah, but he's in a wheelchair, so even-steven. 1833 01:23:51,868 --> 01:23:54,570 MAN: Someone's coming. It's Russell, sir. 1834 01:23:54,572 --> 01:23:56,539 And he's not alone. 1835 01:23:56,541 --> 01:23:58,275 HEADMASTER: Secure the children. 1836 01:24:00,411 --> 01:24:03,047 They will not replace us. 1837 01:24:04,982 --> 01:24:07,950 Watch my back. I've got the old man. 1838 01:24:07,952 --> 01:24:09,888 Amen, brother. 1839 01:24:10,488 --> 01:24:11,990 (BRAKES SCREECHING) 1840 01:24:15,826 --> 01:24:17,558 Time to make the chimichangas. 1841 01:24:17,560 --> 01:24:19,762 30 seconds. 1842 01:24:19,764 --> 01:24:22,396 I finally know why I'm here. 1843 01:24:22,398 --> 01:24:24,400 I was raised in this place. 1844 01:24:24,402 --> 01:24:26,768 Well, not raised. I was tortured. 1845 01:24:26,770 --> 01:24:29,605 Wow! It's your cosmic reason for being here. 1846 01:24:29,607 --> 01:24:31,106 - Shall we? - This is gonna be fun. 1847 01:24:31,108 --> 01:24:31,973 DEADPOOL: Yeah! 1848 01:24:31,975 --> 01:24:33,676 Hey! Been meaning to ask you... 1849 01:24:33,678 --> 01:24:36,645 what's with the dirty, disgusting hobo bear? 1850 01:24:36,647 --> 01:24:39,914 It's not dirt. It's the blood of my dead daughter. 1851 01:24:39,916 --> 01:24:42,651 Are you Bear, God? It's me, Margaret. 1852 01:24:42,653 --> 01:24:44,085 Give me some. 1853 01:24:44,087 --> 01:24:45,687 They say laughter heals anything. 1854 01:24:45,689 --> 01:24:46,989 Except, of course, that. 1855 01:24:46,991 --> 01:24:48,659 We should just cue the music. 1856 01:24:49,426 --> 01:24:51,795 (RAP MUSIC PLAYING) 1857 01:25:13,483 --> 01:25:16,254 Welcome home, Russell. We missed you. 1858 01:25:17,421 --> 01:25:18,553 Russell! 1859 01:25:18,555 --> 01:25:21,856 You don't need to do this! Let's talk! 1860 01:25:21,858 --> 01:25:23,391 Why are you dressed like the Unabomber? 1861 01:25:23,393 --> 01:25:24,796 (YELLING) 1862 01:25:27,564 --> 01:25:28,629 That's why. 1863 01:25:28,631 --> 01:25:29,964 I told you he was too far gone. 1864 01:25:29,966 --> 01:25:31,799 Zip it, Thanos! We have a deal and you forgot... 1865 01:25:31,801 --> 01:25:34,070 - (GROANS) - JUGGERNAUT: Hey! 1866 01:25:34,072 --> 01:25:37,705 I'm gonna shove that cab driver right up your tailpipe. 1867 01:25:37,707 --> 01:25:39,909 My body and my hands are so soft. 1868 01:25:39,911 --> 01:25:41,043 You should probably head back to the car. 1869 01:25:41,045 --> 01:25:43,611 I think I'll head back to the car. 1870 01:25:43,613 --> 01:25:46,650 It works best when you pull the trigger. 1871 01:25:48,251 --> 01:25:49,383 (GROANS) 1872 01:25:49,385 --> 01:25:50,821 That gun is amazing! 1873 01:25:52,122 --> 01:25:53,824 RUSSELL: Say it! 1874 01:25:55,591 --> 01:25:57,558 You are an abomination! 1875 01:25:57,560 --> 01:25:58,763 (GRUNTS) 1876 01:26:03,266 --> 01:26:06,601 Now, I'm gonna shove the red guy up the old guy. 1877 01:26:06,603 --> 01:26:09,306 I believe him! Every man for themselves! 1878 01:26:12,208 --> 01:26:13,508 Gotcha! 1879 01:26:13,510 --> 01:26:14,846 JUGGERNAUT: Beat it, midget! 1880 01:26:17,648 --> 01:26:20,816 Hey, big guy, the sun's getting real low! 1881 01:26:20,818 --> 01:26:22,020 Uh, that's not good. 1882 01:26:22,987 --> 01:26:23,988 (SCREAMING) 1883 01:26:34,165 --> 01:26:35,630 (JUGGERNAUT LAUGHS) 1884 01:26:35,632 --> 01:26:37,034 Come here, beautiful. 1885 01:26:43,607 --> 01:26:44,809 Whoo! 1886 01:26:49,846 --> 01:26:51,049 (JUGGERNAUT LAUGHS) 1887 01:26:53,050 --> 01:26:54,084 RUSSELL: Say it! 1888 01:27:07,898 --> 01:27:10,101 (IN YOUR EYES PLAYING) 1889 01:27:40,331 --> 01:27:41,562 (MUMBLES) 1890 01:27:41,564 --> 01:27:42,764 You came for me. 1891 01:27:42,766 --> 01:27:44,165 I'm not giving up on you, 1892 01:27:44,167 --> 01:27:46,200 and you are not giving up on that boy. 1893 01:27:46,202 --> 01:27:48,404 Who says that rules aren't meant to be broken? 1894 01:27:48,406 --> 01:27:50,438 It's time to fight dirty. 1895 01:27:50,440 --> 01:27:51,839 Time to sweep the leg, Johnny. 1896 01:27:51,841 --> 01:27:54,543 Hey! Pick on someone your own size! 1897 01:27:54,545 --> 01:27:56,645 That's such a you thing to say! 1898 01:27:56,647 --> 01:27:58,612 Go get him, tiger! 1899 01:27:58,614 --> 01:28:00,984 Big CGI fight coming up! 1900 01:28:01,452 --> 01:28:02,750 (BOTH GRUNTING) 1901 01:28:02,752 --> 01:28:04,421 (MUSIC PLAYING) 1902 01:28:04,755 --> 01:28:06,056 (GRUNTS) 1903 01:28:07,257 --> 01:28:09,089 - (BOTH GRUNTING) - (BONE CRACKS) 1904 01:28:09,091 --> 01:28:10,094 (SCREAMS) 1905 01:28:17,934 --> 01:28:19,334 He's doing great. 1906 01:28:19,336 --> 01:28:20,772 RUSSELL: Say it! 1907 01:28:24,774 --> 01:28:26,309 - Russell. - DEADPOOL: Bingo! 1908 01:28:29,212 --> 01:28:30,279 (GROANING) 1909 01:28:30,281 --> 01:28:31,146 Oh, great! 1910 01:28:31,148 --> 01:28:32,446 ORDERLY: There they are! Those freaks! 1911 01:28:32,448 --> 01:28:34,615 DEADPOOL: A bunch of armed pedophiles in nursing shoes. 1912 01:28:34,617 --> 01:28:36,785 Can I have one of those guns? 1913 01:28:36,787 --> 01:28:38,654 - No. - That's fine. 1914 01:28:38,656 --> 01:28:39,987 Get off this property, mutant scum! 1915 01:28:39,989 --> 01:28:41,324 I'm just gonna use this brick. 1916 01:28:41,925 --> 01:28:43,126 Maximum effort. 1917 01:28:44,161 --> 01:28:46,096 Who says you can't go home again? 1918 01:28:48,198 --> 01:28:49,266 (ALL GRUNTING) 1919 01:28:50,867 --> 01:28:52,133 CHILDREN: Yeah! 1920 01:28:52,135 --> 01:28:53,171 Say it. 1921 01:28:53,702 --> 01:28:54,969 Say it! 1922 01:28:54,971 --> 01:28:58,507 Blessed are the wicked who are healed by my hand! 1923 01:28:58,509 --> 01:28:59,907 Blessed are the wicked... 1924 01:28:59,909 --> 01:29:01,312 who are healed... 1925 01:29:01,678 --> 01:29:03,314 by my hand. 1926 01:29:11,956 --> 01:29:13,824 (BOTH GRUNTING) 1927 01:29:17,528 --> 01:29:19,297 You annoying little punk! 1928 01:29:21,631 --> 01:29:23,431 (CHILDREN CHEERING) 1929 01:29:23,433 --> 01:29:24,499 (SPITS) 1930 01:29:24,501 --> 01:29:26,204 (YELLS) 1931 01:29:31,541 --> 01:29:32,542 (GROANS) 1932 01:29:35,211 --> 01:29:38,248 Only best buddies execute pedophiles together. 1933 01:29:43,621 --> 01:29:45,419 (SPEAKS RUSSIAN) 1934 01:29:45,421 --> 01:29:48,123 I need a bus to get you all out of here. 1935 01:29:48,125 --> 01:29:49,126 (GASPS) 1936 01:29:53,263 --> 01:29:54,297 Orphans. 1937 01:29:54,898 --> 01:29:56,099 Oh, geez. 1938 01:29:57,934 --> 01:30:00,535 It's time to burn for what you've done! 1939 01:30:00,537 --> 01:30:03,341 A child should not be burdened with such power! 1940 01:30:10,514 --> 01:30:11,949 Russell! Wait! 1941 01:30:16,354 --> 01:30:17,355 DEADPOOL: Oh! 1942 01:30:23,059 --> 01:30:24,892 Wait! He hasn't killed anyone yet! 1943 01:30:24,894 --> 01:30:25,960 What more do you need to see? 1944 01:30:25,962 --> 01:30:27,029 No, he's just a kid! 1945 01:30:27,031 --> 01:30:29,233 Tick, tock. Meter's running! 1946 01:30:36,873 --> 01:30:38,576 (COLOSSUS GROANS) 1947 01:30:41,545 --> 01:30:43,614 I'm gonna make a necklace out of your teeth. 1948 01:30:49,419 --> 01:30:50,421 (GRUNTS) 1949 01:30:53,357 --> 01:30:54,358 (GROWLS) 1950 01:30:54,757 --> 01:30:55,857 (GRUNTS) 1951 01:30:55,859 --> 01:30:57,661 - (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) - (GROANING) 1952 01:31:01,965 --> 01:31:04,566 - I told you! Leave me alone! - Come on! 1953 01:31:04,568 --> 01:31:05,636 Listen to me! 1954 01:31:07,837 --> 01:31:09,172 (RUSSELL SCREAMING) 1955 01:31:09,806 --> 01:31:11,309 (BOTH GRUNTING) 1956 01:31:14,944 --> 01:31:16,147 (GRUNTS) 1957 01:31:26,791 --> 01:31:28,556 COLOSSUS: (SCOFFS) That's how we do it 1958 01:31:28,558 --> 01:31:30,127 in Mother Russia. 1959 01:31:30,861 --> 01:31:32,026 (GROANS) 1960 01:31:32,028 --> 01:31:34,195 They say millennials are the hardest to reach. 1961 01:31:34,197 --> 01:31:36,998 Oh, no. You're doing amazing. 1962 01:31:37,000 --> 01:31:39,370 Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta! 1963 01:31:42,906 --> 01:31:44,004 DEADPOOL: Go, go, go! 1964 01:31:44,006 --> 01:31:45,208 (GRUNTS) 1965 01:31:47,544 --> 01:31:49,544 He dies tonight, Wade. 1966 01:31:49,546 --> 01:31:51,945 You can't stop me! 1967 01:31:51,947 --> 01:31:53,481 CABLE: He even runs like a pervert. 1968 01:31:53,483 --> 01:31:56,587 Like an online predator who lost his laptop. 1969 01:31:57,554 --> 01:31:59,219 There's one bullet left in that gun. 1970 01:31:59,221 --> 01:32:01,455 Wait, wait, wait! Please, just give me a second! 1971 01:32:01,457 --> 01:32:02,857 I got this. 1972 01:32:02,859 --> 01:32:05,093 - Russell! - Stay back! Go home, Wade! 1973 01:32:05,095 --> 01:32:07,862 Let's talk. It doesn't have to go this way! 1974 01:32:07,864 --> 01:32:09,429 That piece of shit... 1975 01:32:09,431 --> 01:32:11,465 he deserves to die for what he did to you. 1976 01:32:11,467 --> 01:32:13,968 He hurt you badly. 1977 01:32:13,970 --> 01:32:18,106 But look, if you kill him, he wins. 1978 01:32:18,108 --> 01:32:21,412 You become everything he says you are, but worse. 1979 01:32:22,446 --> 01:32:24,146 You're just a kid. 1980 01:32:24,148 --> 01:32:26,050 You don't wanna hurt anyone. 1981 01:32:27,216 --> 01:32:30,121 It isn't too late. Don't do it. 1982 01:32:35,358 --> 01:32:37,560 I never should've left you there. 1983 01:32:39,430 --> 01:32:41,732 I never should've left you in that prison. 1984 01:32:48,906 --> 01:32:50,306 I can't trust you. 1985 01:32:52,275 --> 01:32:54,577 I can't trust anybody! 1986 01:32:55,412 --> 01:32:56,680 (GROANING) 1987 01:33:03,554 --> 01:33:04,852 Wonderful kid. 1988 01:33:04,854 --> 01:33:06,487 RUSSELL: You can't stop me, Wade! 1989 01:33:06,489 --> 01:33:07,491 (DEADPOOL GROANS) 1990 01:33:08,791 --> 01:33:11,025 I got one more idea. 1991 01:33:11,027 --> 01:33:13,995 It's just a really bad one, even for me. 1992 01:33:13,997 --> 01:33:15,196 Wade, what are you doing? 1993 01:33:15,198 --> 01:33:17,464 This is for all the marbles, kid. 1994 01:33:17,466 --> 01:33:19,801 You're gonna kill someone today... 1995 01:33:19,803 --> 01:33:21,201 Blessed are the wicked... 1996 01:33:21,203 --> 01:33:23,340 ...then it's gotta be me. 1997 01:33:24,306 --> 01:33:26,342 ...who are healed by my hand! 1998 01:33:29,546 --> 01:33:30,548 (INAUDIBLE) 1999 01:33:33,082 --> 01:33:35,118 (TOMORROW PLAYING) 2000 01:33:35,719 --> 01:33:37,822 (GIRL SINGING) 2001 01:34:30,107 --> 01:34:32,374 (GROANS) 2002 01:34:32,376 --> 01:34:35,546 Tell me they got that in slow motion. 2003 01:34:36,913 --> 01:34:38,448 (DEADPOOL COUGHING) 2004 01:34:40,349 --> 01:34:42,152 Oh, that's not good. 2005 01:34:43,620 --> 01:34:45,156 No, sir. 2006 01:34:51,961 --> 01:34:55,232 You sacrificed yourself for me. 2007 01:34:55,565 --> 01:34:56,464 Yeah. 2008 01:34:56,466 --> 01:34:58,598 And it was the best thing I ever did. 2009 01:34:58,600 --> 01:34:59,467 (COUGHING) 2010 01:34:59,469 --> 01:35:01,803 I told you I care about you. 2011 01:35:01,805 --> 01:35:03,541 You're a good kid, Russell. 2012 01:35:04,675 --> 01:35:05,743 Hey. 2013 01:35:06,943 --> 01:35:08,442 The bear. 2014 01:35:08,444 --> 01:35:09,679 It worked. 2015 01:35:15,685 --> 01:35:16,884 Because of you. 2016 01:35:16,886 --> 01:35:19,320 No, Wade, because of you. 2017 01:35:19,322 --> 01:35:21,623 Stop, stop, stop! 2018 01:35:21,625 --> 01:35:22,626 Stop! 2019 01:35:24,027 --> 01:35:26,794 Just let it happen, okay? 2020 01:35:26,796 --> 01:35:30,164 I guess my heart was finally in the right place. 2021 01:35:30,166 --> 01:35:32,703 (GROANS) That riddle is so messed up. 2022 01:35:35,305 --> 01:35:37,304 (GROANS, COUGHS) 2023 01:35:37,306 --> 01:35:39,441 I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. 2024 01:35:39,443 --> 01:35:41,810 Don't be. I've been trying to make this happen for a while. 2025 01:35:41,812 --> 01:35:43,277 Please, just don't leave me. 2026 01:35:43,279 --> 01:35:45,012 I don't wanna die without an audience. 2027 01:35:45,014 --> 01:35:46,280 We are not going anywhere. 2028 01:35:46,282 --> 01:35:48,650 WADE: Oh, God, I hope the Academy is watching. 2029 01:35:48,652 --> 01:35:49,720 Just rest, okay? 2030 01:35:51,520 --> 01:35:52,590 Papa. 2031 01:35:53,456 --> 01:35:55,592 ♪ Papa, can you hear me? 2032 01:35:57,594 --> 01:36:00,730 ♪ Papa, can you find me in the... 2033 01:36:03,300 --> 01:36:04,735 ♪ night? ♪ 2034 01:36:25,020 --> 01:36:26,620 Before I go... (COUGHS) 2035 01:36:26,622 --> 01:36:28,625 Sorry, I got a bit more in me. 2036 01:36:29,058 --> 01:36:30,325 Domino. 2037 01:36:30,327 --> 01:36:34,996 I want you to have my Adventure Time watch. 2038 01:36:34,998 --> 01:36:36,399 (WADE COUGHING) 2039 01:36:37,400 --> 01:36:40,504 Turns out that I'm the lucky one. 2040 01:36:41,104 --> 01:36:42,406 Thank you. 2041 01:36:43,439 --> 01:36:47,107 Hey, Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. 2042 01:36:47,109 --> 01:36:49,380 It has been a pleasure. 2043 01:36:50,881 --> 01:36:53,714 - Hi, Yukio. - Hi, Wade! 2044 01:36:53,716 --> 01:36:54,717 (CHUCKLES) 2045 01:36:55,352 --> 01:36:56,720 And you... 2046 01:36:57,153 --> 01:36:58,953 Chrome Bone. 2047 01:36:58,955 --> 01:37:02,190 I haven't always been the best friend to you. 2048 01:37:02,192 --> 01:37:04,726 But you've always been that to me. 2049 01:37:04,728 --> 01:37:05,962 So thank you. 2050 01:37:07,997 --> 01:37:09,832 Say the F-word for me. 2051 01:37:10,434 --> 01:37:11,699 Just once. Come on, 2052 01:37:11,701 --> 01:37:13,366 we'll do it together. It's no big deal. 2053 01:37:13,368 --> 01:37:15,048 Here we go. One, two, three. F... F... F... 2054 01:37:16,906 --> 01:37:17,838 (BLEEP) 2055 01:37:17,840 --> 01:37:21,444 Wow! Enjoy hell, swamp mouth. (CHUCKLES) 2056 01:37:22,578 --> 01:37:25,713 And you, Cable. (COUGHS) 2057 01:37:25,715 --> 01:37:30,352 You get back to your family. You tell 'em Wade says hi. 2058 01:37:30,354 --> 01:37:33,887 And promise me. Promise me one thing. 2059 01:37:33,889 --> 01:37:35,455 That you'll start judging people... 2060 01:37:35,457 --> 01:37:36,790 not by the color of their skin, 2061 01:37:36,792 --> 01:37:39,460 but by the content of their character. 2062 01:37:39,462 --> 01:37:41,364 - Jesus. - WADE: R-Dog? 2063 01:37:43,199 --> 01:37:44,531 Look. 2064 01:37:44,533 --> 01:37:47,403 Family is not an F-word. 2065 01:37:47,938 --> 01:37:49,303 All right? 2066 01:37:49,305 --> 01:37:51,873 There's one out there for you. (COUGHS) 2067 01:37:51,875 --> 01:37:53,644 Just keep looking, okay? 2068 01:37:56,479 --> 01:37:58,982 Guys, for a second there... 2069 01:38:00,250 --> 01:38:02,086 we made a pretty good team. 2070 01:38:06,456 --> 01:38:08,889 Can you see it? 2071 01:38:08,891 --> 01:38:11,528 Do you see that beautiful bright light? 2072 01:38:12,796 --> 01:38:13,931 There it is. 2073 01:38:20,136 --> 01:38:21,369 Oh, that's the sun. 2074 01:38:21,371 --> 01:38:23,404 Don't stare directly into that. 2075 01:38:23,406 --> 01:38:24,938 I just have a few final words. 2076 01:38:24,940 --> 01:38:25,943 (EXHALES) 2077 01:38:29,412 --> 01:38:31,715 Do you want to build a snowman? 2078 01:39:00,277 --> 01:39:02,145 (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) 2079 01:39:47,957 --> 01:39:49,222 Sorry I'm late. 2080 01:39:49,224 --> 01:39:50,758 There was a bunch of 2081 01:39:50,760 --> 01:39:52,259 handicapable children who were stuck in a tree. 2082 01:39:52,261 --> 01:39:53,630 - No. - No. 2083 01:39:54,497 --> 01:39:57,598 - But I did have to help a kid. - Yeah. 2084 01:39:57,600 --> 01:39:59,566 - He's got a terrible name. - It's just awful. 2085 01:39:59,568 --> 01:40:00,770 - Ugh. - I tried to tell him. 2086 01:40:03,040 --> 01:40:04,574 Is this heaven? 2087 01:40:05,274 --> 01:40:06,643 It is now. 2088 01:40:10,013 --> 01:40:11,547 I am so sorry. 2089 01:40:12,581 --> 01:40:13,983 VANESSA: It's okay. 2090 01:40:33,636 --> 01:40:35,639 I missed you so much. 2091 01:40:41,309 --> 01:40:43,045 What is it? What's wrong? 2092 01:40:44,982 --> 01:40:46,880 It's not time. 2093 01:40:46,882 --> 01:40:49,116 What do you mean it's not time? 2094 01:40:49,118 --> 01:40:50,651 I'm here, I made it. 2095 01:40:50,653 --> 01:40:52,454 - You can't stay. - No, no, no. 2096 01:40:52,456 --> 01:40:55,222 I'm staying. I'm not going anywhere without you. 2097 01:40:55,224 --> 01:40:56,624 It's okay. 2098 01:40:56,626 --> 01:40:59,696 There's a time for us. It's just not now. 2099 01:41:00,497 --> 01:41:03,066 - They need you. - Who? 2100 01:41:05,100 --> 01:41:06,536 VANESSA: Your F-word. 2101 01:41:07,537 --> 01:41:08,837 WADE: Why? 2102 01:41:08,839 --> 01:41:10,873 VANESSA: You'll find out. 2103 01:41:11,573 --> 01:41:13,307 I love you. 2104 01:41:13,309 --> 01:41:14,711 I love you. 2105 01:41:17,113 --> 01:41:18,379 I know. 2106 01:41:18,381 --> 01:41:19,583 Now, go. 2107 01:41:20,649 --> 01:41:22,818 Go on. Go, get out of here. 2108 01:41:23,854 --> 01:41:24,855 Go. 2109 01:41:27,491 --> 01:41:28,692 Hey! 2110 01:41:31,361 --> 01:41:33,830 Kiss me like you miss me, Red. 2111 01:41:34,331 --> 01:41:35,632 Well, come here. 2112 01:41:48,678 --> 01:41:51,212 Wait, hold the mustard. 2113 01:41:51,214 --> 01:41:52,445 - Are you crying? - No. 2114 01:41:52,447 --> 01:41:53,780 - Yes, you are. - No, I'm not. 2115 01:41:53,782 --> 01:41:55,717 You got emotion juice coming out of your eye holes. 2116 01:41:55,719 --> 01:41:56,816 It's not me. I'm not crying. 2117 01:41:56,818 --> 01:41:58,453 I think it's this dusty soundstage. 2118 01:41:58,455 --> 01:41:59,521 - Oh, really? - Or bedroom. 2119 01:41:59,523 --> 01:42:00,721 - It's a dusty bedroom. - Thank you. 2120 01:42:00,723 --> 01:42:02,192 - That's normal. - Let it out. 2121 01:42:03,492 --> 01:42:05,660 - (TEARFULLY) I am crying. - Yeah, you are. 2122 01:42:05,662 --> 01:42:07,395 And I'm caught off guard 'cause the movie's so bad. 2123 01:42:07,397 --> 01:42:08,495 Complete garbage. 2124 01:42:08,497 --> 01:42:09,730 - It's very compelling. - Yeah. 2125 01:42:09,732 --> 01:42:10,798 There's something that really resonates for me. 2126 01:42:10,800 --> 01:42:12,002 It kinda gets you. 2127 01:42:13,870 --> 01:42:15,136 (SIGHS) There is more. 2128 01:42:15,138 --> 01:42:17,606 I would love to read it to you, Fred Savage. 2129 01:42:17,608 --> 01:42:20,540 "Once again, Wade picked up the love of his life 2130 01:42:20,542 --> 01:42:22,345 "in his approachably shredded arms." 2131 01:42:29,652 --> 01:42:31,020 VANESSA: It's all right. 2132 01:42:31,554 --> 01:42:32,989 I'll be waiting. 2133 01:42:34,256 --> 01:42:36,456 It's pretty awesome up here. 2134 01:42:36,458 --> 01:42:38,726 I can have anything I want. 2135 01:42:38,728 --> 01:42:41,195 Can every day be International Women's Day? 2136 01:42:41,197 --> 01:42:42,463 It is heaven. 2137 01:42:42,465 --> 01:42:43,667 - (CHUCKLES) - (TIMER DINGS) 2138 01:42:48,304 --> 01:42:49,806 (SCREAMING) 2139 01:42:52,875 --> 01:42:54,307 Time to make the chimichangas. 2140 01:42:54,309 --> 01:42:55,375 30 seconds. 2141 01:42:55,377 --> 01:42:56,611 Hey. Been meaning to ask you... 2142 01:42:56,613 --> 01:42:59,045 what's with the creepy, dirty hobo bear? 2143 01:42:59,047 --> 01:43:01,348 It's my daughter's teddy bear. 2144 01:43:01,350 --> 01:43:02,749 Her name's Hope. 2145 01:43:02,751 --> 01:43:03,953 DEADPOOL: Well... 2146 01:43:04,854 --> 01:43:06,820 What are you doing? 2147 01:43:06,822 --> 01:43:08,423 Somebody swiped right. 2148 01:43:08,425 --> 01:43:10,060 (FAST-FORWARDING) 2149 01:43:19,269 --> 01:43:20,834 (GROANS) 2150 01:43:20,836 --> 01:43:23,838 Tell me they got that in slow motion. 2151 01:43:23,840 --> 01:43:25,042 (DEADPOOL GROANS) 2152 01:43:26,708 --> 01:43:28,543 RUSSELL: You sacrificed yourself for me. 2153 01:43:28,545 --> 01:43:30,247 DEADPOOL: It would seem I... 2154 01:43:32,916 --> 01:43:33,917 Huh? 2155 01:43:34,649 --> 01:43:37,120 Genuine, high-grade lead. 2156 01:43:38,955 --> 01:43:42,123 You time-sliding son of a bitch! 2157 01:43:42,125 --> 01:43:43,794 You did this for me? 2158 01:43:45,495 --> 01:43:48,596 Wait. You can't go back. 2159 01:43:48,598 --> 01:43:49,864 You used the last of your fuel. 2160 01:43:49,866 --> 01:43:51,699 What about your girl, your wife? 2161 01:43:51,701 --> 01:43:55,105 No, my family's safe. And I didn't do it for you. 2162 01:43:56,506 --> 01:43:58,871 No, I'm gonna stick around for a while... 2163 01:43:58,873 --> 01:43:59,940 and make sure the world 2164 01:43:59,942 --> 01:44:02,078 doesn't shit itself into oblivion. 2165 01:44:02,644 --> 01:44:05,748 No. You did it for me. 2166 01:44:06,349 --> 01:44:07,749 No, I didn't. 2167 01:44:07,751 --> 01:44:09,116 - You did. - I really didn't. 2168 01:44:09,118 --> 01:44:11,017 - Pretty sure you did. - No, I'm positive I didn't. 2169 01:44:11,019 --> 01:44:12,887 Fine. All right, let's flip a coin. Okay? 2170 01:44:12,889 --> 01:44:15,490 Heads, you did it for me. Tails, you did it for me. 2171 01:44:15,492 --> 01:44:17,624 I'm not even gonna look, because you did it for me. 2172 01:44:17,626 --> 01:44:20,428 - We must get the collar off. - Forget it. It's no use. 2173 01:44:20,430 --> 01:44:21,695 These collars don't just come off. 2174 01:44:21,697 --> 01:44:22,898 Wade. 2175 01:44:23,800 --> 01:44:25,833 I have an idea. 2176 01:44:25,835 --> 01:44:27,968 No, no, no! Let's not do that. Please! 2177 01:44:27,970 --> 01:44:30,338 I'd rather die of cancer. Let's just... 2178 01:44:30,340 --> 01:44:33,807 Oh, gosh! They do say the pen is grosser than the sword. 2179 01:44:33,809 --> 01:44:36,177 - (COLLAR BUZZING) - RUSSELL: We need the code. 2180 01:44:36,179 --> 01:44:37,945 Try, uh, seven? 2181 01:44:37,947 --> 01:44:39,646 DEADPOOL: Settle down, Captain Lucky. 2182 01:44:39,648 --> 01:44:41,048 It's not gonna be one number. 2183 01:44:41,050 --> 01:44:42,319 Oh, God, that's lazy writing. 2184 01:44:43,318 --> 01:44:44,787 I still got it. 2185 01:44:46,288 --> 01:44:47,620 (DEADPOOL GROANS) 2186 01:44:47,622 --> 01:44:49,893 Put that back in your prison wallet. 2187 01:44:51,159 --> 01:44:53,127 I don't know how to thank you. 2188 01:44:53,129 --> 01:44:55,262 But I do know how to hug you. 2189 01:44:55,264 --> 01:44:56,563 - No. - Yes. 2190 01:44:56,565 --> 01:44:58,199 Here we go. Bring it in. 2191 01:44:58,201 --> 01:44:59,299 Come on. 2192 01:44:59,301 --> 01:45:00,668 Pelvis to pelvis. 2193 01:45:00,670 --> 01:45:02,003 Let's go tummy to tummy. 2194 01:45:02,005 --> 01:45:04,672 There we go. The kids call this tummying. 2195 01:45:04,674 --> 01:45:05,772 (KNIFE UNSHEATHES) 2196 01:45:05,774 --> 01:45:07,575 Is there a knife in my lower extremity? 2197 01:45:07,577 --> 01:45:08,976 There's a knife in your leg, yeah. 2198 01:45:08,978 --> 01:45:10,143 I'm just gonna back up now. 2199 01:45:10,145 --> 01:45:11,712 - Yeah, yeah. - No need to go full Yentl. 2200 01:45:11,714 --> 01:45:14,580 Gonna pretend like that never happened. 2201 01:45:14,582 --> 01:45:16,286 Let's go home, Russell. 2202 01:45:20,055 --> 01:45:21,955 All you dirty mutants 2203 01:45:21,957 --> 01:45:24,592 are gonna rot in hell with the boy! 2204 01:45:24,594 --> 01:45:27,695 Your souls are beyond redemption! 2205 01:45:27,697 --> 01:45:28,963 Let's see your soul, perv! 2206 01:45:28,965 --> 01:45:31,865 No, no! No! No more! We're better than that! 2207 01:45:31,867 --> 01:45:33,100 We're better than him! 2208 01:45:33,102 --> 01:45:35,870 No more senseless violence! No more bloodshed! 2209 01:45:35,872 --> 01:45:37,570 We'll let karma take care of him. 2210 01:45:37,572 --> 01:45:40,576 The day of reckoning is here! 2211 01:45:41,344 --> 01:45:42,877 (TIRES SCREECHING) 2212 01:45:42,879 --> 01:45:44,214 (CRASHING) 2213 01:45:49,852 --> 01:45:52,085 I'm gonna miss him. He seemed great. 2214 01:45:52,087 --> 01:45:53,053 Whoo! 2215 01:45:53,055 --> 01:45:56,391 - Courage is my power! - (DEADPOOL LAUGHS) 2216 01:45:56,393 --> 01:45:58,159 DEADPOOL: I could hear you coming the last 30 seconds. 2217 01:45:58,161 --> 01:45:59,994 I could barely keep a straight face. (LAUGHS) 2218 01:45:59,996 --> 01:46:02,029 I want some more. 2219 01:46:02,031 --> 01:46:03,463 I bet you do, Brown Panther. 2220 01:46:03,465 --> 01:46:06,901 We should leave before Fudgernaut wakes up. 2221 01:46:06,903 --> 01:46:09,268 Good call. You guys coming with us? 2222 01:46:09,270 --> 01:46:11,472 No, we'll get the kids back to the mansion. 2223 01:46:11,474 --> 01:46:12,905 Besides, we're X-Men. 2224 01:46:12,907 --> 01:46:15,709 No, you're X-People. 2225 01:46:15,711 --> 01:46:17,011 You're exhausting. 2226 01:46:17,013 --> 01:46:19,012 I see what you did there. Puns. 2227 01:46:19,014 --> 01:46:20,280 Our door's always open. 2228 01:46:20,282 --> 01:46:22,316 That's kind, but I'm not ready to date again, 2229 01:46:22,318 --> 01:46:23,320 let alone two women. 2230 01:46:24,153 --> 01:46:26,920 - Bye, Wade! - Bye, Yukio! 2231 01:46:26,922 --> 01:46:28,990 (WE BELONG PLAYING) 2232 01:46:28,992 --> 01:46:30,090 DEADPOOL: What do you get 2233 01:46:30,092 --> 01:46:31,424 when you take eight feet of chrome... 2234 01:46:31,426 --> 01:46:32,593 one pinch of courage... 2235 01:46:32,595 --> 01:46:33,828 a cup of good luck... 2236 01:46:33,830 --> 01:46:35,495 a dab of racism... 2237 01:46:35,497 --> 01:46:36,563 a splash of diabetes... 2238 01:46:36,565 --> 01:46:39,600 and a wheelbarrow full of stage four cancer? 2239 01:46:39,602 --> 01:46:42,203 Answer: a family. 2240 01:46:42,205 --> 01:46:45,338 See? I didn't lie what kind of film this was. 2241 01:46:45,340 --> 01:46:46,740 If there's anything you take away today... 2242 01:46:46,742 --> 01:46:49,910 other than the need to Google, "What the heck is dubstep?"... 2243 01:46:49,912 --> 01:46:53,349 it's that we all need to belong to someone. 2244 01:48:46,662 --> 01:48:48,228 Okay, there we go. Here we go. 2245 01:48:48,230 --> 01:48:49,396 (MOANS) 2246 01:48:49,398 --> 01:48:53,133 After-credit scenes. I love after-credit scenes. 2247 01:48:53,135 --> 01:48:54,468 They feel so private, you know? 2248 01:48:54,470 --> 01:48:56,103 'Cause it's just you in the theater. Everyone's left. 2249 01:48:56,105 --> 01:48:57,404 Here's the curtain. Peek, peek. 2250 01:48:57,406 --> 01:48:58,871 FRED: But you know something, you know? 2251 01:48:58,873 --> 01:49:01,040 - (LAUGHS) - You stayed. 2252 01:49:01,042 --> 01:49:02,245 (DEADPOOL SIGHS) 2253 01:49:18,126 --> 01:49:19,993 How something so small generates 2254 01:49:19,995 --> 01:49:21,995 enough energy to reverse time is... 2255 01:49:21,997 --> 01:49:24,030 Oh, just fix it, Eleven, 2256 01:49:24,032 --> 01:49:26,032 or I'll take it to the Genius Bar. 2257 01:49:26,034 --> 01:49:27,802 Cable's gonna kill you when he finds out. 2258 01:49:27,804 --> 01:49:28,869 Never heard of him. 2259 01:49:28,871 --> 01:49:30,440 Why do you think I'm helping him? 2260 01:49:31,439 --> 01:49:34,776 The Lord works in mysterious ways, don't I? 2261 01:49:34,778 --> 01:49:36,346 Have a good day. 2262 01:49:36,813 --> 01:49:38,411 Bye, Wade! 2263 01:49:38,413 --> 01:49:39,515 Bye, Yukio! 2264 01:49:40,748 --> 01:49:42,850 That was probably a bad idea. 2265 01:49:42,852 --> 01:49:44,284 What have we done? 2266 01:49:44,286 --> 01:49:46,355 (IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME PLAYING) 2267 01:50:02,037 --> 01:50:04,070 I hope we sharpened the cream cheese spreader. 2268 01:50:04,072 --> 01:50:05,541 - (BOTH PANTING) - (GASPS) 2269 01:50:10,179 --> 01:50:11,748 I'll be right back! 2270 01:50:13,416 --> 01:50:16,453 We're definitely naming our kid Cher! 2271 01:50:16,818 --> 01:50:17,821 Whoo! 2272 01:50:19,522 --> 01:50:20,855 DEADPOOL: Peter! 2273 01:50:20,857 --> 01:50:22,289 Whoo! X-Force! 2274 01:50:22,291 --> 01:50:25,359 Walk away! Just walk away! 2275 01:50:25,361 --> 01:50:27,328 - But we're X-Force! - Nope, we're not! 2276 01:50:27,330 --> 01:50:28,962 X-Force is just a marketing tool 2277 01:50:28,964 --> 01:50:30,097 designed by Fox executives... 2278 01:50:30,099 --> 01:50:31,965 to keep Josh Brolin employed. 2279 01:50:31,967 --> 01:50:33,334 It doesn't exist. 2280 01:50:33,336 --> 01:50:36,904 All right, well, this has been pretty scary! 2281 01:50:36,906 --> 01:50:38,705 And I need to feed my cat. 2282 01:50:38,707 --> 01:50:41,141 Go home, Sugarbear. Go home. 2283 01:50:41,143 --> 01:50:44,547 Okay. Will you give Domino my email? 2284 01:50:53,288 --> 01:50:55,425 Wade, is that you? 2285 01:50:57,727 --> 01:50:59,060 I guess Stryker finally 2286 01:50:59,062 --> 01:51:00,630 figured out how to shut you up. 2287 01:51:03,732 --> 01:51:04,734 (GUNSHOT) 2288 01:51:07,036 --> 01:51:10,169 Hey! It's me! Don't scratch! 2289 01:51:10,171 --> 01:51:12,838 Just cleaning up the timelines! 2290 01:51:12,840 --> 01:51:14,544 (WHISPERS) Love you! 2291 01:51:16,578 --> 01:51:18,348 Welcome to the big leagues, kid. 2292 01:51:19,715 --> 01:51:20,717 (GUNSHOT) 2293 01:51:22,818 --> 01:51:24,618 You're welcome, Canada. 2294 01:51:24,620 --> 01:51:27,189 (IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME CONTINUES PLAYING) 2295 01:56:50,511 --> 01:56:52,747 DEADPOOL: "The end." 2296 01:56:54,049 --> 01:56:55,080 FRED: Just in time, 2297 01:56:55,082 --> 01:56:57,553 because I have lost almost all feeling in my legs. 2298 01:56:59,688 --> 01:57:01,789 Ooh. No, they feel fine. 2299 01:57:01,791 --> 01:57:02,923 Can I go? 2300 01:57:02,925 --> 01:57:04,594 As you wish. 2301 01:57:05,493 --> 01:57:06,558 (FRED GRUNTS) 2302 01:57:06,560 --> 01:57:08,361 - That must feel good. - Yes, thank you. 2303 01:57:08,363 --> 01:57:09,564 DEADPOOL: Yeah. 2304 01:57:11,733 --> 01:57:13,601 Come on. Whoa! Easy, now. Hey. 2305 01:57:13,603 --> 01:57:15,401 Easy, now. There you go. Come on. 2306 01:57:15,403 --> 01:57:17,103 Take it slow. Take it slow. Baby steps. 2307 01:57:17,105 --> 01:57:18,737 I can't feel my legs. I can't feel my legs! 2308 01:57:18,739 --> 01:57:20,039 DEADPOOL: I know. Yeah. 2309 01:57:20,041 --> 01:57:23,109 You've been asleep for three days, buddy. Come on. 2310 01:57:23,111 --> 01:57:25,012 - FRED: Three days? - DEADPOOL: Yeah! Three days. 2311 01:57:25,014 --> 01:57:26,579 FRED: I've been here for three days? 2312 01:57:26,581 --> 01:57:27,981 - DEADPOOL: (LAUGHS) Yeah! - FRED: Why so long? 2313 01:57:27,983 --> 01:57:29,316 - DEADPOOL: Oh! - FRED: That's too long! 2314 01:57:29,318 --> 01:57:31,358 DEADPOOL: Uh, can somebody get this guy a Starbucks? 2315 01:57:32,043 --> 01:57:37,043 Subtitles by explosiveskull Sync by GoldenBeard 162785