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1
00:00:02,098 --> 00:00:05,396
Hot in Cleveland is recored in
front of a live studio audience.
2
00:00:05,551 --> 00:00:07,997
Did you know Cleveland
was originally spelled
3
00:00:08,053 --> 00:00:11,083
c-l-e-a-v-e-l-a-n-d?
4
00:00:11,163 --> 00:00:12,719
From John Moses cleaveland,
5
00:00:12,751 --> 00:00:14,661
- see, their dropped the 'a'...!
- Shut up!
6
00:00:15,422 --> 00:00:18,844
Thank you.
7
00:00:18,877 --> 00:00:20,372
The nominations for
the daytime emmys
8
00:00:20,406 --> 00:00:21,535
- were just announced.
- Oh.
9
00:00:21,569 --> 00:00:24,692
All right, who cares,
who cares, ah--
10
00:00:24,726 --> 00:00:27,117
best actress.
Susan lucci...
11
00:00:27,152 --> 00:00:30,572
Well-deserved.
12
00:00:30,607 --> 00:00:33,995
Crystal mcallister,
nobody, nobody, and...
13
00:00:34,030 --> 00:00:35,158
Victoria Chase!
14
00:00:35,192 --> 00:00:37,550
Yay!
Good for you.
15
00:00:37,585 --> 00:00:39,644
Oh, it's my 16th nomination.
Uh, waiter?
16
00:00:39,678 --> 00:00:42,335
Uh, I realize it's only
8:00 in the morning,
17
00:00:42,370 --> 00:00:44,062
but we're celebrating,
and I would like
18
00:00:44,097 --> 00:00:46,123
some champagne
in my orange juice.
19
00:00:46,157 --> 00:00:49,312
You mean the usual?
20
00:00:49,347 --> 00:00:51,937
Yes.
21
00:00:51,972 --> 00:00:54,729
Although I've never won
this thing.
22
00:00:54,762 --> 00:00:57,553
And this year, I definitely
don't have a chance.
23
00:00:57,588 --> 00:01:00,212
Crystal mcallister from
the strong and the gorgeous
24
00:01:00,245 --> 00:01:02,603
pulled a really underhanded
stunt.
25
00:01:02,637 --> 00:01:03,832
What'd she do?
26
00:01:03,867 --> 00:01:06,723
She died.
27
00:01:06,758 --> 00:01:08,816
Aka award magnet.
28
00:01:08,851 --> 00:01:11,076
You know I can't compete
with death.
29
00:01:11,111 --> 00:01:12,405
[Cell phone chimes]
30
00:01:12,439 --> 00:01:14,698
Oh, it's my son.
31
00:01:14,732 --> 00:01:15,994
He's driving back to college
from L.A.
32
00:01:16,028 --> 00:01:17,688
And I begged him to stop here
on the way.
33
00:01:17,723 --> 00:01:18,951
So he's gonna be here
this afternoon.
34
00:01:18,986 --> 00:01:20,513
Well, how's he doing?
35
00:01:20,547 --> 00:01:22,938
You know, I don't know.
He rarely speaks to me.
36
00:01:22,973 --> 00:01:24,832
I get the occasional grunt
on mother's day.
37
00:01:24,867 --> 00:01:27,357
Oh, kids can be so ungrateful.
38
00:01:27,391 --> 00:01:29,716
I mean, you get them
the best nannies money can buy
39
00:01:29,750 --> 00:01:31,245
and then they blackmail you
with threats
40
00:01:31,279 --> 00:01:35,100
to write a mommie dearest.
41
00:01:35,134 --> 00:01:38,488
Oh, look who's back
from Hollywood.
42
00:01:38,522 --> 00:01:40,582
What was it like
doing Brad pitt's eyebrows?
43
00:01:40,616 --> 00:01:43,572
Does he smell like fresh cream
44
00:01:43,606 --> 00:01:46,097
on a fine spring morning?
45
00:01:46,131 --> 00:01:50,118
'Cause that's how I imagine it.
46
00:01:50,152 --> 00:01:52,277
Elka, celebrities
are just like everyone else.
47
00:01:52,311 --> 00:01:54,770
You take that back.
48
00:01:54,804 --> 00:01:56,331
Oh, I'm just starting to wonder
49
00:01:56,365 --> 00:01:57,527
if there isn't more to life
50
00:01:57,561 --> 00:01:59,854
than removing celebrities'
unwanted hair.
51
00:01:59,887 --> 00:02:02,278
I think I'm having
a mid-life crisis.
52
00:02:02,313 --> 00:02:06,466
Mid-life?
53
00:02:06,500 --> 00:02:08,991
You know, if you really are
having a crisis,
54
00:02:09,025 --> 00:02:10,320
maybe you should see
a therapist.
55
00:02:10,354 --> 00:02:12,944
The only therapy I need
is liquid therapy.
56
00:02:12,979 --> 00:02:16,168
Hello.
57
00:02:16,202 --> 00:02:17,829
Victoria got another
emmy nomination.
58
00:02:17,863 --> 00:02:18,992
Congratulations.
59
00:02:19,026 --> 00:02:20,421
She can't win.
60
00:02:20,455 --> 00:02:24,275
She's up against a dead girl.
61
00:02:24,310 --> 00:02:26,567
You didn't have
Susan Lucci killed, did you?
62
00:02:26,602 --> 00:02:29,957
No. That was just trash talk.
63
00:02:32,265 --> 00:02:39,708
Sync by mczolly
www.addic7ed.com
64
00:02:40,136 --> 00:02:43,476
the oddest thing just happened.
65
00:02:43,511 --> 00:02:46,584
My Agent says that
there's this huge Internet rumor
66
00:02:46,618 --> 00:02:49,592
that I'm dying from
some disease called...
67
00:02:49,626 --> 00:02:52,064
Well, I can't even remember
the name.
68
00:02:52,098 --> 00:02:54,569
Flett-giordano syndrome.
69
00:02:54,604 --> 00:02:55,839
And you're welcome.
70
00:02:55,873 --> 00:02:58,779
What?
You started the rumor?
71
00:02:58,814 --> 00:03:00,316
Well, now you can beat
the dead girl
72
00:03:00,351 --> 00:03:02,154
at her own game.
73
00:03:02,189 --> 00:03:03,458
But--
74
00:03:03,492 --> 00:03:05,863
but you can't just say that
I have a disease.
75
00:03:05,897 --> 00:03:07,468
I've never even heard of it.
76
00:03:07,502 --> 00:03:10,274
Well, no one has.
That's the beauty of it.
77
00:03:10,308 --> 00:03:12,178
[Cell phone rings]
78
00:03:12,213 --> 00:03:14,417
Uh, Victoria Chase.
79
00:03:14,451 --> 00:03:18,327
Yes, I'll hold for
people magazine.
80
00:03:19,464 --> 00:03:20,599
Elka.
81
00:03:20,634 --> 00:03:23,072
I need a list
of really fun things
82
00:03:23,106 --> 00:03:24,374
to do in Cleveland.
83
00:03:24,409 --> 00:03:26,379
Will's coming,
and we haven't really
84
00:03:26,414 --> 00:03:27,649
spoken much since the divorce,
85
00:03:27,684 --> 00:03:29,154
and I really wanna
reconnect with him.
86
00:03:29,188 --> 00:03:31,191
So if you were
a 20-year-old boy,
87
00:03:31,225 --> 00:03:34,432
what would you wanna do
with your mom?
88
00:03:34,467 --> 00:03:38,509
Watch her buy me beer?
89
00:03:38,544 --> 00:03:41,350
Hey, joy.
Where you been?
90
00:03:41,384 --> 00:03:43,354
Okay, don't go all Melanie
on me,
91
00:03:43,388 --> 00:03:45,158
but I decided to take
your suggestion
92
00:03:45,193 --> 00:03:47,898
and I met with a couple
of potential therapists.
93
00:03:47,933 --> 00:03:50,405
Wow. How did it go?
94
00:03:50,439 --> 00:03:52,108
They're all so nosy.
95
00:03:52,142 --> 00:03:53,712
Asking me questions about
96
00:03:53,747 --> 00:03:56,820
my childhood
and feelings and sex
97
00:03:56,855 --> 00:03:58,758
and saying I need to come in
four times a week.
98
00:03:58,792 --> 00:04:01,731
I mean, who can talk about
themselves for that long?
99
00:04:01,766 --> 00:04:04,839
And then at age 12,
I decided becoming an actress
100
00:04:04,874 --> 00:04:07,780
would be the best way
to serve humanity.
101
00:04:07,814 --> 00:04:09,250
No, no, no, thank you.
102
00:04:09,284 --> 00:04:11,455
[Laughs] Oh, Elka.
103
00:04:11,489 --> 00:04:13,794
You are a genius.
104
00:04:13,828 --> 00:04:15,632
Elka came up with
this Internet rumor
105
00:04:15,666 --> 00:04:18,673
that I have this very,
very promotable deadly disease.
106
00:04:18,707 --> 00:04:22,449
Well, I'm sure nothing could
go wrong with that.
107
00:04:22,483 --> 00:04:25,857
Oh.
It's a text from my Agent.
108
00:04:25,891 --> 00:04:29,867
Entertainment weekly
and in style magazine
109
00:04:29,901 --> 00:04:31,269
both want me.
110
00:04:31,304 --> 00:04:33,608
Oh, and, and also,
111
00:04:33,642 --> 00:04:36,081
the flett-giordano
syndrome foundation
112
00:04:36,115 --> 00:04:37,686
want to come
and meet with me here.
113
00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:40,659
Oh, well, this will just
legitimize the hell out of it.
114
00:04:42,097 --> 00:04:44,034
What kind of disease is it?
115
00:04:44,069 --> 00:04:46,840
I-I don't know.
Elka?
116
00:04:46,875 --> 00:04:48,177
You know, I'm,
I'm happy to lie to win,
117
00:04:48,211 --> 00:04:50,650
but I-I don't wanna
lose my hair or anything.
118
00:04:50,684 --> 00:04:53,590
- The only symptom is fatigue.
- That's perfect.
119
00:04:53,625 --> 00:04:55,462
I mean, I can play tired
in my sleep.
120
00:04:55,496 --> 00:04:57,366
[Laughs]
121
00:04:57,400 --> 00:05:00,039
Ah, luckily, this disease
hasn't affected my wit.
122
00:05:00,073 --> 00:05:01,442
[Doorbell rings]
123
00:05:01,477 --> 00:05:04,850
Oh, that's will.
My baby's here.
124
00:05:04,885 --> 00:05:06,555
Hi, honey!
125
00:05:06,589 --> 00:05:09,193
- Hi, just a sec.
- Okay.
126
00:05:09,228 --> 00:05:12,435
It's good to see you.
127
00:05:16,913 --> 00:05:19,117
- Good to see you, sweetie.
- Yeah.
128
00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:20,889
The facial hair
makes you look a little...
129
00:05:20,923 --> 00:05:23,228
Foreign, but cute.
130
00:05:23,263 --> 00:05:24,364
Come on in.
131
00:05:24,398 --> 00:05:25,701
You know joy and Victoria.
132
00:05:25,735 --> 00:05:27,405
- Both: Hey, will.
- Hi.
133
00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:28,574
Ah, this is Elka Ostrovsky.
134
00:05:28,609 --> 00:05:30,512
Nice to meet you, will.
135
00:05:30,547 --> 00:05:31,749
Nice to meet you too.
136
00:05:31,783 --> 00:05:34,021
Well, your mom picks up
and moves to Cleveland.
137
00:05:34,055 --> 00:05:35,491
You must have
a million questions.
138
00:05:35,525 --> 00:05:38,031
No, I'm good.
139
00:05:38,065 --> 00:05:39,368
I fixed up the guest room
for you,
140
00:05:39,402 --> 00:05:41,005
but I thought maybe
we'd go out to lunch first.
141
00:05:41,039 --> 00:05:43,010
I kinda just wanna crash,
if that's cool.
142
00:05:43,044 --> 00:05:46,384
Sure. Sure.
It's cool. Very cool.
143
00:05:46,418 --> 00:05:47,720
Do you want me to show you
where the room is?
144
00:05:47,755 --> 00:05:49,859
- I'll find it.
- Yeah. You can find it.
145
00:05:49,893 --> 00:05:51,397
You're good like that.
146
00:05:51,431 --> 00:05:52,900
He can find it.
147
00:05:52,934 --> 00:05:54,369
I hope it's your daughter
148
00:05:54,405 --> 00:05:58,012
who's gonna decide
which home to put you in.
149
00:06:03,025 --> 00:06:05,564
Well, this is fun.
The two of us.
150
00:06:05,598 --> 00:06:07,836
Getting a chance to talk
and catch up
151
00:06:07,870 --> 00:06:11,611
and shoot the breeze.
152
00:06:13,584 --> 00:06:15,253
So how's school?
153
00:06:15,288 --> 00:06:18,027
- Good.
- Oh. Yeah?
154
00:06:18,061 --> 00:06:19,130
[Laughs]
155
00:06:19,164 --> 00:06:21,535
Well, you certainly have
a lot to say...
156
00:06:21,570 --> 00:06:24,242
To someone.
157
00:06:24,276 --> 00:06:25,912
- What?
- Nothing.
158
00:06:25,947 --> 00:06:28,251
You know.
I text. So I get it.
159
00:06:28,285 --> 00:06:29,622
Sorry, what did you say, mom?
160
00:06:29,656 --> 00:06:33,197
You know, lol.
Omg.
161
00:06:33,232 --> 00:06:36,739
Om--
you know what--g.
162
00:06:36,774 --> 00:06:39,278
You know it's not cursing
if you say a letter, mom.
163
00:06:39,312 --> 00:06:40,849
Oh, sure. Sure.
164
00:06:40,884 --> 00:06:43,221
"F."
"F!"
165
00:06:46,330 --> 00:06:48,868
You know, honey.
166
00:06:48,903 --> 00:06:50,907
We never got a chance
to talk about the divorce.
167
00:06:50,941 --> 00:06:53,179
And we can do that,
if you'd like.
168
00:06:53,213 --> 00:06:54,882
No, I get it.
169
00:06:54,917 --> 00:06:57,522
Stuff happens.
I'm good.
170
00:06:57,557 --> 00:07:00,430
Okay.
171
00:07:09,452 --> 00:07:11,155
Did you know...
172
00:07:11,189 --> 00:07:13,896
That Cleveland
was originally spelled
173
00:07:13,930 --> 00:07:17,705
c-l-e-a-v-e-l-a-n-d?
174
00:07:17,739 --> 00:07:19,308
The Cleveland spelling?
175
00:07:19,343 --> 00:07:21,781
You went to that?
176
00:07:21,816 --> 00:07:23,552
I was desperate.
177
00:07:23,586 --> 00:07:26,994
And how does that
make you feel, Melanie?
178
00:07:28,365 --> 00:07:29,600
What?
179
00:07:29,635 --> 00:07:32,039
It's an annoying question,
isn't it?
180
00:07:32,073 --> 00:07:33,777
But all the therapists ask it.
181
00:07:33,811 --> 00:07:35,949
I've been trying
different ones every day.
182
00:07:35,983 --> 00:07:37,519
It's a little bit like dating
183
00:07:37,553 --> 00:07:41,027
except you're not trying to hide
how crazy you are.
184
00:07:44,002 --> 00:07:46,273
Hello. All.
185
00:07:51,086 --> 00:07:54,259
Victoria, are you okay?
You look exhausted.
186
00:07:54,293 --> 00:07:56,364
Oh, good.
187
00:07:58,136 --> 00:07:59,539
I was just making sure
188
00:07:59,573 --> 00:08:01,477
'cause the foundation people
will be here soon.
189
00:08:03,450 --> 00:08:05,620
- [Cell phone chimes]
- Oh, that's will's phone.
190
00:08:05,655 --> 00:08:08,728
Why is it he can talk to
everybody else but not to me?
191
00:08:08,762 --> 00:08:10,264
You mustn't blame yourself.
192
00:08:10,299 --> 00:08:12,169
Now I-I did absolutely
everything I could
193
00:08:12,204 --> 00:08:13,506
for both my kids.
194
00:08:13,540 --> 00:08:15,778
You've got three children.
195
00:08:17,216 --> 00:08:18,885
Ah.
196
00:08:18,919 --> 00:08:21,258
Oh, if this phone
could only talk.
197
00:08:21,292 --> 00:08:22,727
Well, it can if you want it to.
198
00:08:22,762 --> 00:08:26,236
Everything you want to know
about will is right in there.
199
00:08:26,270 --> 00:08:30,413
His friends, his music,
everything.
200
00:08:30,447 --> 00:08:33,254
No, no, I-I can't invade
his privacy that way.
201
00:08:33,288 --> 00:08:35,359
I can.
202
00:08:35,393 --> 00:08:37,731
No, put that down.
Someone's texting him.
203
00:08:37,765 --> 00:08:39,569
It's from Stephanie.
204
00:08:39,603 --> 00:08:41,406
"Did you tell your mom yet?
205
00:08:41,441 --> 00:08:44,380
Did she freak?"
206
00:08:44,414 --> 00:08:45,750
Freak? About what?
207
00:08:45,784 --> 00:08:47,053
What does he need to tell me?
208
00:08:47,088 --> 00:08:48,255
Well, find out yourself.
209
00:08:48,291 --> 00:08:52,365
Pretend you're will
and text her back.
210
00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:55,207
I shouldn't do that.
211
00:08:55,241 --> 00:08:56,710
But as a mother,
212
00:08:56,744 --> 00:08:58,414
I need to know what's going on
with my son
213
00:08:58,449 --> 00:09:00,151
by any means possible, right?
214
00:09:00,185 --> 00:09:01,522
- Indeed you do.
- Absolutely.
215
00:09:01,556 --> 00:09:05,297
Okay.
216
00:09:05,332 --> 00:09:07,002
[Clears throat]
217
00:09:07,036 --> 00:09:11,913
"How should I tell her?"
218
00:09:11,947 --> 00:09:13,216
Oh, I shouldn't have done that.
219
00:09:13,251 --> 00:09:15,321
I just totally violated
his privacy.
220
00:09:15,356 --> 00:09:17,059
I am done with this.
221
00:09:17,094 --> 00:09:19,598
[Cell phone chimes]
Ooh, she texted back.
222
00:09:21,003 --> 00:09:24,510
"Why are you texting
like an old lady?"
223
00:09:26,116 --> 00:09:28,687
Ah, you shouldn't have
spelled everything correctly.
224
00:09:28,721 --> 00:09:30,759
Oh.
[cell phone chimes]
225
00:09:30,793 --> 00:09:33,264
"Just tell her
we're getting married"?
226
00:09:33,299 --> 00:09:35,102
Oh, my God.
227
00:09:35,137 --> 00:09:36,573
He's only 20 years old.
228
00:09:36,607 --> 00:09:38,177
I've never even heard of
this girl.
229
00:09:38,212 --> 00:09:41,651
And how does that
make you feel?
230
00:09:45,562 --> 00:09:48,301
Uh, "my mom got married young
231
00:09:48,336 --> 00:09:52,178
and still regrets it."
232
00:09:52,212 --> 00:09:53,547
That ought to do it.
233
00:09:53,581 --> 00:09:55,652
[Cell phone chimes]
234
00:09:55,686 --> 00:09:57,422
"Are you trying
to tell me something?"
235
00:09:57,457 --> 00:10:02,535
What, is she stupid?
236
00:10:02,570 --> 00:10:07,046
"Just that we should
slow down."
237
00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:08,383
[Cell phone chimes]
238
00:10:08,417 --> 00:10:12,760
"I h8 u, d'bag."
239
00:10:12,794 --> 00:10:14,998
What does that mean?
240
00:10:15,033 --> 00:10:18,641
Well, 8 could be ate.
Like, "I ate something."
241
00:10:18,676 --> 00:10:22,350
- Mm.
- And d'bag is like da bomb?
242
00:10:22,384 --> 00:10:25,892
I hate you, douche bag.
243
00:10:33,974 --> 00:10:35,307
Hey, Elka.
244
00:10:35,341 --> 00:10:36,574
Thanks for letting me
borrow this.
245
00:10:36,608 --> 00:10:38,974
Oh. What did you think of
my mall walk mix?
246
00:10:39,008 --> 00:10:40,174
Not bad.
247
00:10:40,209 --> 00:10:43,374
A little surprised by
all the Justin bieber.
248
00:10:43,409 --> 00:10:45,175
Really?
249
00:10:45,210 --> 00:10:47,209
I love her.
250
00:10:52,778 --> 00:10:54,211
He's a guy.
251
00:10:54,245 --> 00:10:56,544
They keep saying that.
252
00:10:56,579 --> 00:10:58,544
But I'm not buying it.
253
00:11:01,213 --> 00:11:02,378
What am I gonna do?
254
00:11:02,413 --> 00:11:04,645
I-I broke them up.
He's gonna hate me.
255
00:11:04,680 --> 00:11:06,980
Oh, will.
Hi, honey.
256
00:11:07,013 --> 00:11:08,413
Is that my phone
in your pocket?
257
00:11:08,447 --> 00:11:11,347
Or are you just happy
to see me?
258
00:11:11,381 --> 00:11:15,048
Oh, God,
that's all kinds of wrong.
259
00:11:15,082 --> 00:11:16,748
Uh, no. Mine.
[laughs nervously]
260
00:11:16,783 --> 00:11:20,382
- Okay, I'm gonna go shower.
- Okay.
261
00:11:20,417 --> 00:11:22,015
Quick.
How do I write her back?
262
00:11:22,050 --> 00:11:24,183
Just text her everything ys.
263
00:11:24,218 --> 00:11:26,050
Yeah, compliment her face
without makeup,
264
00:11:26,084 --> 00:11:28,084
and tell her it's the best sex
you ever had.
265
00:11:28,118 --> 00:11:31,284
This is my son.
266
00:11:31,319 --> 00:11:33,284
- [Doorbell rings]
- Oh, they're here.
267
00:11:33,319 --> 00:11:34,518
All right, uh.
268
00:11:34,552 --> 00:11:35,685
Look, I'd love to stay
269
00:11:35,719 --> 00:11:36,786
and help you pretend
to be your son,
270
00:11:36,820 --> 00:11:40,420
but I have to go pretend
I'm dying.
271
00:11:47,755 --> 00:11:49,788
Hello. I'm Victoria Chase.
272
00:11:49,822 --> 00:11:51,921
This is
Dr. Lori Hernandez.
273
00:11:51,956 --> 00:11:53,922
I'm Dr. Robert Moore.
274
00:11:53,957 --> 00:11:55,789
It's a pleasure to meet you.
275
00:11:55,823 --> 00:11:58,223
Ah. Likewise.
276
00:11:58,257 --> 00:11:59,790
I'm sorry for staring,
277
00:11:59,824 --> 00:12:02,524
but I'm just surprised at
how well you look.
278
00:12:02,558 --> 00:12:06,458
Oh, thank you, but I'm tired.
279
00:12:06,493 --> 00:12:07,959
So very tired.
Please sit.
280
00:12:07,993 --> 00:12:09,792
I know that I need to.
281
00:12:09,826 --> 00:12:11,892
Hmm, that's very odd.
282
00:12:11,926 --> 00:12:13,159
What?
283
00:12:13,193 --> 00:12:14,659
You're not limping at all.
284
00:12:14,694 --> 00:12:15,860
Limping?
285
00:12:15,894 --> 00:12:18,327
It's the first symptom
of flett-giordano.
286
00:12:19,236 --> 00:12:21,836
Would you just excuse me
for just one moment?
287
00:12:30,472 --> 00:12:31,537
Where's Elka?
288
00:12:31,572 --> 00:12:33,372
She said this thing had
no symptoms
289
00:12:33,406 --> 00:12:34,538
and I'm out there
290
00:12:34,573 --> 00:12:37,772
limping around like
Dr. house.
291
00:12:39,273 --> 00:12:41,173
Elka said she looked it up
on Wikipedia.
292
00:12:41,208 --> 00:12:42,374
Wikipedia?
293
00:12:42,408 --> 00:12:44,841
Wikipedia says that I'm 37.
294
00:12:44,875 --> 00:12:46,874
And I should know.
I'm the one who "corrected" it.
295
00:12:46,908 --> 00:12:49,041
Okay, calm down.
296
00:12:49,075 --> 00:12:52,142
I'll look it up online.
297
00:12:52,176 --> 00:12:53,642
Oh.
298
00:12:53,677 --> 00:12:55,376
I'm terribly sorry.
299
00:12:55,410 --> 00:12:57,876
Uh...
300
00:12:57,910 --> 00:12:59,477
So in, in terms of publicity,
301
00:12:59,511 --> 00:13:00,710
I was thinking--
302
00:13:00,745 --> 00:13:02,944
miss Chase, when exactly
were you diagnosed?
303
00:13:02,978 --> 00:13:05,578
Uh, last week. Why?
304
00:13:05,612 --> 00:13:07,212
The most acute symptoms
305
00:13:07,246 --> 00:13:09,579
occur within
the first week of onset.
306
00:13:09,613 --> 00:13:11,645
By now, you should be
having trouble with
307
00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:16,114
facial drooping,
involuntary body spasms,
308
00:13:16,148 --> 00:13:18,447
word slurring, hysteria.
309
00:13:18,482 --> 00:13:23,281
[Slurred speech]
Boy, this thing is awful.
310
00:13:23,316 --> 00:13:25,048
Yes, it is.
311
00:13:25,082 --> 00:13:26,715
That's why we applaud
your courage in going public
312
00:13:26,750 --> 00:13:28,449
with such a disfiguring
disease.
313
00:13:28,484 --> 00:13:29,883
Disfiguring?
314
00:13:29,917 --> 00:13:31,983
Who said anything about
disfiguring?
315
00:13:32,017 --> 00:13:34,884
Well.
There's that hysteria.
316
00:13:34,918 --> 00:13:36,417
[Chuckles]
317
00:13:36,451 --> 00:13:37,584
Miss Chase,
318
00:13:37,618 --> 00:13:39,084
I understand why
you're wearing this scarf,
319
00:13:39,119 --> 00:13:40,485
but may we just take a look?
320
00:13:40,519 --> 00:13:43,952
Oh, um, listen.
321
00:13:43,986 --> 00:13:47,019
Could you just excuse me
for just one more second?
322
00:13:55,822 --> 00:13:58,055
Wow.
323
00:13:58,089 --> 00:14:00,756
This sucker's got
a lot of symptoms.
324
00:14:00,790 --> 00:14:04,390
No shissh, Sherlock.
325
00:14:04,424 --> 00:14:05,890
Good luck faking the goiter.
326
00:14:05,924 --> 00:14:07,257
Goiter?
327
00:14:07,291 --> 00:14:08,624
Oh, my God.
328
00:14:08,657 --> 00:14:10,791
That's why they wanted to see
my neck.
329
00:14:10,825 --> 00:14:14,458
Oh, good lord.
330
00:14:14,493 --> 00:14:15,759
[Cell phone chimes]
331
00:14:15,793 --> 00:14:17,992
Ooh.
332
00:14:18,026 --> 00:14:19,493
- It worked.
- Yay.
333
00:14:19,527 --> 00:14:22,559
She says she loves you
and she's sorry and--
334
00:14:22,594 --> 00:14:23,926
oh, she's sending you
a picture.
335
00:14:23,961 --> 00:14:26,127
Yes.
336
00:14:26,161 --> 00:14:29,161
Perky.
337
00:14:31,729 --> 00:14:33,595
Just erase it.
He's coming.
338
00:14:33,629 --> 00:14:36,229
Done.
339
00:14:36,263 --> 00:14:37,696
Hey, will.
We found your phone.
340
00:14:37,730 --> 00:14:39,230
Oh, awesome, thanks.
341
00:14:39,264 --> 00:14:41,563
[Cell phone chimes] Oh, no.
342
00:14:41,598 --> 00:14:42,897
What, is something wrong?
343
00:14:42,931 --> 00:14:44,331
It's just this girl, Stephanie,
344
00:14:44,365 --> 00:14:45,498
I have to break up with.
345
00:14:45,532 --> 00:14:46,898
What?
346
00:14:46,932 --> 00:14:49,198
She's kind of psycho
and we dated a couple months.
347
00:14:49,233 --> 00:14:50,565
Now she thinks we're engaged.
348
00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:53,799
Yeah, because you proposed
to her.
349
00:14:53,833 --> 00:14:55,600
Were you spying on my phone?
350
00:14:55,634 --> 00:14:58,367
Ugh...
Oh, honey, yes.
351
00:14:58,402 --> 00:15:00,601
And that's how I found out
you were engaged.
352
00:15:00,635 --> 00:15:02,501
And I went crazy
so I texted back.
353
00:15:02,535 --> 00:15:03,667
And then we broke up,
354
00:15:03,702 --> 00:15:05,335
but then we got back
together again,
355
00:15:05,369 --> 00:15:07,835
and now she thinks that
you love her more than ever.
356
00:15:07,870 --> 00:15:09,569
Oh, honey, I just wanted things
357
00:15:09,604 --> 00:15:10,736
to be better between us.
358
00:15:10,771 --> 00:15:13,003
By doing something
completely Shady.
359
00:15:13,037 --> 00:15:14,337
How could I ever trust you
again?
360
00:15:14,371 --> 00:15:16,237
Oh...Honey.
361
00:15:16,271 --> 00:15:20,738
No, will. I'm sorry.
362
00:15:20,773 --> 00:15:25,105
Well, on the plus side
he's not getting married.
363
00:15:25,140 --> 00:15:27,339
And you raised a son
with enough character
364
00:15:27,373 --> 00:15:28,839
to break up with the wrong girl
365
00:15:28,874 --> 00:15:30,273
even though she has
366
00:15:30,307 --> 00:15:33,040
a truly spectacular set
of knockers.
367
00:15:36,865 --> 00:15:38,340
And the reason
I don't have a goiter
368
00:15:38,455 --> 00:15:42,053
is because as an actress, my...
369
00:15:42,087 --> 00:15:47,117
My vocal chords
are so highly developed.
370
00:15:47,151 --> 00:15:48,982
Well, 's coming.
371
00:15:49,017 --> 00:15:50,148
Now, um, miss Chase,
372
00:15:50,182 --> 00:15:52,847
which of your parents is asian?
373
00:15:52,881 --> 00:15:55,046
What?
374
00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:56,612
Well, the disease
is only carried
375
00:15:56,647 --> 00:15:58,344
by people of asian descent,
so--
376
00:15:58,379 --> 00:16:00,210
ah. Yes.
377
00:16:00,244 --> 00:16:04,674
Well, my father, you'll see,
is asian.
378
00:16:04,708 --> 00:16:07,439
Okay, you know what?
I just--I can't do this.
379
00:16:07,474 --> 00:16:11,771
You see, I don't really have
the disease.
380
00:16:11,805 --> 00:16:12,870
What?
381
00:16:12,905 --> 00:16:15,302
I just said that I did
because I thought
382
00:16:15,336 --> 00:16:17,701
it would help me win an emmy.
383
00:16:17,736 --> 00:16:19,966
Well, that's...
384
00:16:20,001 --> 00:16:21,833
Reprehensible.
385
00:16:21,867 --> 00:16:23,498
I know.
386
00:16:23,533 --> 00:16:25,264
I--I feel terrible.
387
00:16:25,298 --> 00:16:26,830
As you should.
388
00:16:26,864 --> 00:16:29,829
Although, in the last week,
389
00:16:29,863 --> 00:16:31,594
she has brought the foundation
390
00:16:31,629 --> 00:16:33,793
a great deal of money
and attention.
391
00:16:33,828 --> 00:16:35,392
It would be nice
not to share offices
392
00:16:35,426 --> 00:16:39,457
with the toenail fungus people.
393
00:16:39,491 --> 00:16:41,489
Wait, what are you saying?
394
00:16:41,524 --> 00:16:43,921
Well, um...
395
00:16:43,955 --> 00:16:46,920
If you attend
our fundraising event next week,
396
00:16:46,954 --> 00:16:49,285
we promise not tell everyone
that you're a...
397
00:16:49,319 --> 00:16:51,351
Despicable liar.
398
00:16:51,385 --> 00:16:52,950
Well, I guess that I,
399
00:16:52,985 --> 00:16:54,816
I don't really have a leg
to stand on.
400
00:16:54,850 --> 00:16:56,349
No, and while we're
on that subject,
401
00:16:56,383 --> 00:16:58,181
work on your limping.
402
00:16:58,215 --> 00:16:59,547
Oh, and get dark glasses.
403
00:16:59,581 --> 00:17:02,578
You'll be blind by then.
404
00:17:05,044 --> 00:17:06,543
Oh, there you are.
405
00:17:06,577 --> 00:17:07,976
Your mum went out
looking for you.
406
00:17:08,010 --> 00:17:09,141
I know.
407
00:17:09,176 --> 00:17:10,841
Oh, I lost her
two streets over.
408
00:17:10,876 --> 00:17:12,207
Look, she made a mistake.
409
00:17:12,242 --> 00:17:14,139
But she was just trying
to get you to talk.
410
00:17:14,174 --> 00:17:15,339
I know.
411
00:17:15,373 --> 00:17:18,303
And how does that
make you feel?
412
00:17:18,338 --> 00:17:19,437
What?
413
00:17:19,471 --> 00:17:20,803
Never mind.
414
00:17:20,837 --> 00:17:24,434
I'm gonna tell you
how it makes you feel.
415
00:17:24,468 --> 00:17:26,999
See, for the past week,
I've been seeing therapists
416
00:17:27,033 --> 00:17:28,799
and they've been trying
to get me to talk.
417
00:17:28,833 --> 00:17:30,531
But I don't like it.
418
00:17:30,565 --> 00:17:32,929
Partly because it's none of
their bloody business.
419
00:17:32,964 --> 00:17:35,229
But mostly because
I'm afraid if
420
00:17:35,263 --> 00:17:37,528
I do start to open up
and let it out,
421
00:17:37,561 --> 00:17:41,326
I might completely fall apart.
422
00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:42,725
Is that how it makes you feel?
423
00:17:42,759 --> 00:17:46,189
Yeah, that's pretty much it.
424
00:17:46,224 --> 00:17:48,722
So I just don't wanna
talk about it at all.
425
00:17:48,756 --> 00:17:51,653
But it doesn't make you
any less angry, does it?
426
00:17:51,688 --> 00:17:53,253
No.
427
00:17:53,287 --> 00:17:54,952
Look, I understand.
428
00:17:54,986 --> 00:17:56,518
My dad left my mum
429
00:17:56,552 --> 00:17:59,250
and it really messed with
my head and my trust.
430
00:17:59,284 --> 00:18:02,315
And when I was in my 20s,
431
00:18:02,349 --> 00:18:05,180
I let my guard down,
fell madly in love,
432
00:18:05,215 --> 00:18:08,911
planned a huge wedding,
and the guy didn't show up.
433
00:18:08,946 --> 00:18:11,376
- Wow, that really sucks.
- No kidding.
434
00:18:11,411 --> 00:18:13,476
Must have been so humiliating.
435
00:18:13,510 --> 00:18:14,775
I don't like to dwell on it.
436
00:18:14,809 --> 00:18:16,441
I mean, just standing up there
in your wedding dress
437
00:18:16,476 --> 00:18:18,006
and all those people
staring at you?
438
00:18:18,041 --> 00:18:20,406
The point is,
439
00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:23,271
I know a little bit
about anger.
440
00:18:23,306 --> 00:18:25,103
And it's not healthy
to hold on to it
441
00:18:25,138 --> 00:18:27,302
or to take it out
on other people.
442
00:18:27,336 --> 00:18:30,367
Especially someone
as sweet as your mum.
443
00:18:30,402 --> 00:18:33,699
It's killing her that
she can't connect with you.
444
00:18:33,733 --> 00:18:35,498
I gotta tell you,
445
00:18:35,532 --> 00:18:38,130
whoever that guy was,
it was his loss.
446
00:18:38,164 --> 00:18:40,262
Thank you.
447
00:18:40,297 --> 00:18:44,893
Because you must have been
so hot back then.
448
00:18:44,928 --> 00:18:47,358
Yes. Way back then.
449
00:18:47,393 --> 00:18:48,524
[Door closes]
450
00:18:48,559 --> 00:18:51,557
Oh. Here she is now.
Talk to her.
451
00:18:51,591 --> 00:18:54,588
It'll be fine.
I promise.
452
00:18:56,655 --> 00:18:58,753
Hi, sweetie.
453
00:18:58,787 --> 00:19:02,385
Listen, um...
454
00:19:02,419 --> 00:19:04,384
I don't know what to say.
455
00:19:04,418 --> 00:19:08,115
Neither do I.
456
00:19:08,149 --> 00:19:10,414
But we can try.
457
00:19:10,448 --> 00:19:12,879
Really?
458
00:19:12,914 --> 00:19:14,411
Yeah.
459
00:19:14,446 --> 00:19:15,844
So where do you wanna start?
460
00:19:15,878 --> 00:19:18,376
Well, the fact that dad's
engaged to a 25-year-old...
461
00:19:18,410 --> 00:19:20,075
[Grunts]
462
00:19:20,110 --> 00:19:22,241
Or that I think I have
a crush on joy
463
00:19:22,276 --> 00:19:26,472
and I'm pretty sure
she's feeling it too?
464
00:19:26,506 --> 00:19:28,238
Oh, wow.
465
00:19:28,273 --> 00:19:29,504
All right.
466
00:19:29,539 --> 00:19:32,303
So why did Cleveland
drop the "a" from its name?
467
00:19:35,968 --> 00:19:38,233
Well, the masthead for
the newspaper?
468
00:19:38,268 --> 00:19:39,399
Mm-hmm?
469
00:19:39,434 --> 00:19:40,565
They figured out
that it was, like,
470
00:19:40,599 --> 00:19:42,497
not long enough...
471
00:19:44,378 --> 00:19:45,684
Well, we're not bffs yet,
472
00:19:45,719 --> 00:19:49,606
but he did promise to text me
at least once a week.
473
00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:51,650
Thank you, joy.
474
00:19:51,686 --> 00:19:54,835
Oh, hey, how did
the foundation fundraiser go?
475
00:19:54,870 --> 00:19:56,746
Utterly exhausting.
476
00:19:56,781 --> 00:19:58,992
But it'll be worth it
just to see the smile on my face
477
00:19:59,026 --> 00:20:01,874
when I win that emmy.
478
00:20:01,910 --> 00:20:04,858
And, of course,
announce my miraculous recovery.
479
00:20:04,892 --> 00:20:07,406
Yes.
480
00:20:11,932 --> 00:20:13,976
You know what?
481
00:20:14,010 --> 00:20:16,322
You know, I feel like
I really did a good thing.
482
00:20:16,357 --> 00:20:19,004
You know, which gives one
a certain glow,
483
00:20:19,038 --> 00:20:20,244
a little something extra.
484
00:20:20,279 --> 00:20:24,334
[Laughs] I'll say.
485
00:20:24,368 --> 00:20:28,055
I notice even now
a few people looking my way.
486
00:20:29,933 --> 00:20:34,390
In fact, quite a few people,
like...
487
00:20:36,034 --> 00:20:39,083
I'm still wearing the goiter,
aren't I?
488
00:20:45,252 --> 00:20:46,960
Oh, I bet it feels good
to get rid of that thing,
489
00:20:46,995 --> 00:20:48,133
doesn't it?
490
00:20:48,168 --> 00:20:49,776
Oh, it really does.
491
00:20:49,811 --> 00:20:52,827
I was talking to the goiter.
492
00:20:53,312 --> 00:20:57,756
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