All language subtitles for Girlfriends Guide to Divorce s03e03 Rule 188 Mind.eng

Previously on "Girlfriends'
Guide to Divorce"...

Cat's out today, but there's
a fabulous new editor that

- she wants you to meet.
- Abby.

I am just so not in my element.

But you're a good-ass
writer, and writers write.

Mitchell asked me to
take over your column.

It's great. Are you excited?

Not if it's gonna cause stuff with us.

It won't. Coach Brady,
I'm Abby McCarthy.

I'm, uh, Charlie's mom. Um...

- [spits]
- Oh. Seeds, yum.

Is this my life now?

I finally get a chance to breathe,

and now I am shackled to
the Gestapo run by an asshole

who spits sunflower seeds at people.

- Just a little liquid courage.
- Seriously?

We're dropping you off at
rehab, and you're bringing that?

Look, I'm here, and I
am ready to get help.

- What is that?
- Uh, my last alimony payment.

I thought you were
okay without his money.

Albert helping me with
the end of my marriage

or making me fall in
love all over again?

Well, you're a bad one, aren't you?

Scott's crazy about you, Jo.

He declared himself in a big way.

Doesn't matter, it won't be enough.

I don't want this if
you can't handle it.

I can't handle it.

[knocking on door]

Scott?

_

- [soothing music]
- Take a deep breath and exhale.

Today you ask for clarity

and readiness, openness to the world,

to its power, to possibility.

Today you live not just
in what is, but in what if.

Now affirm that by saying
good-bye to your old self.

Say it aloud.

Oh, sorry, good-bye.

- [rock music]
- _

Oh, shit. Good-bye.

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --

A Hollywood story.

We've made a lot of progress.

Mom, we got to go.

I have study group
before school, remember?

- Okay, okay.
- Come on.

Who the hell group studies this early?

It's for pre-calculus.

We're working on
three-dimensional vectors.

Ah. How did I birth you?

Okay, let's go. Come on.

- You're going like that?
- What? My nips are covered.

You told me to shoot
you in the head the day

you wore Uggs in public because
it meant you'd finally turned.

Relax, fashion police.

I'm dropping you off at school

and then parking my
tushy back on this couch.

- What about the bakery?
- Lost its magic baker.

So, uh, closing up shop
until I figure something out.

You're upset that Scott left.

Oh, please, we were a
thing for two minutes.

I'm fine. This is about
the business of it all,

and without the magic, we're dust,

but I'll come up with something.

I just need time to think.

What are you doing?

I am taking a sick day.

We're going to the bakery
and baking our asses off.

No, backpack back on.

You've got that... that
dimensional vector whatever.

- It's important.
- So is this. Don't argue with me.

I haven't taken a sick
day since I was seven.

I'll live.

Okay, okay, yeah.

Uh, limited menu,

we bake the mediocre
shit, buy some time.

- Okay.
- Chocolate chip cookies,

blueberry muffins, any
moron can bake that, right?

Oh, yeah, yes. We are
so going to nail this.

Yes, and if anyone asks

for gluten-free anything, we kill them.

- Yeah.
- Okay?

- Okay.
- Mm! Right there.

What made you so perfect, huh?

Okay, let's go.

- Clothing.
- Understood.

Family bonding time.

That's why we're going...
[humming dramatic music]

- Camping up in Lake Arrowhead.
- Both: Yay!

- Really?
- Sweet.

Wha-what for?

- Can we sleep in a tent?
- Uh, absolutely, buddy,

and we can roast marshmallows

and cook pancakes on an open fire and...

Yes, and hike, and lie under the stars,

and connect with our
environment and with each other.

Since when did you like camping?

Um, well, we're just trying
new things as a family, Anouk.

It'll be fun, I promise.

Can I get that in writing?

Can we have pancakes for dinner?

Absolutely, buddy.
I love breakfast for dinner.

And guess what else I got?

I got four brand-new
down sleeping bags,

and they're cruelty-free.

The feathers are gathered.
They're not plucked.

Why'd you only get four?
Isn't Martita coming?

Okay, well, that is something

that I wanted to talk to you about.

We had to let Martita go.

- You fired her?
- 'Tita?

We love Martita,

and we will be in
contact with her always,

but a weekend nanny is
an expense that we...

She's not an expense. She's a person.

Anouk, that's not what I meant.

Okay, hey, let's go
get ready for carpool,

and we're gonna leave
right after school today,

1600 on the dot.

Military time.

Clever.

Oh, my God.

Okay, still terrified of Anouk.

I mean, she was my... sweet
little girl, like, yesterday.

I don't know what happened.

Hey, this is gonna
be great, I promise.

Can I get that in writing?

[chuckles]

[upbeat music]

Oh, sorry.

[clearing throat]

- Abby McCarthy, hi.
- Melissa, hey.

Wow, you look fantastic.

Oh, my God, shut up.
I'm death on wheels.

My 27th b-day's knocking at my door.

- Yeah.
- Sit.

Oh, so is Cat not joining us, or...

Nope, but she sends kisses,

and she forwarded me
that email you wrote.

- Oh, okay, good.
- It was long, long, long.

I skimmed it, but I got the gist,

so we're gonna talk new directions, huh?

Yeah, um, I just, I... you know,

I've had some time to reflect

about what happened
with Carl and the book.

Oh, that was a whole lot of yikes.

- Melissa, I'm a writer.
- Mm-hmm.

I thought it was time to maybe go down

another path, but it is a part of me.

It's what I love, and I
just need to find a new,

fresh way to express that, so,

what about memoir?

- Memoir?
- There's a reason why

I became a self-help writer,

and it's actually a very funny...

- No one wants to read that.
- Why?

'Cause you're not famous enough.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, but, ooh,

you could ghostwrite
someone else's memoir.

Okay, well, who did you have in mind?

Let's see, we have this amazing

YouTube star named Greenlips.

- Greenlips?
- She's 19. She's an influencer.

11 million people subscribe
to her YouTube channel.

She sounds fascinating,
but that's not really...

Floating your boat? Okay, I get it.

Um, what about...

Ah, I have it.

You should write a romance novel.

As in soft porn?

That's not even remotely
what I'm known for.

Well, neither was Judy Blume,

and look what happened to her career,

and you guys are, like,
the same generation.

- She's 78.
- That's pretty close.

Look, you have had a lot of sex.

Make that legwork count, and
we'd use a pseudonym, Obvi.

Obvi.

Um, Melissa, thank you so much

for all these fun, great ideas,

but my writing, I write about myself,

about real life,

so if we could just keep

the brainstorming under that umbrella...

Romance makes up 70% of
the publishing industry.

It's a pretty big
umbrella, don't you think?

[slurping]

- People come here to work.
- They have conference rooms

and private offices upstairs
if you want some quiet.

They have a spa.

- How much, 2,000, 3,000?
- Uh, it's a business expense.

It's a perfect place to
bring prospective art buyers.

- Oh, my God, 4,000, 5,000?
- It's tax deductible.

I thought you were cutting back.

We are... I just cut the arborist

and the bonsai specialist,
and I know how that sounds,

but the bonsais are
hundreds of years old,

and it broke my heart.

Anyway, we are taking
the kids to Lake Arrowhead

for a little camping and bonding time.

- Camping or more glamping?
- Legit camping,

like, communing with nature.

The kids need some quality time with JD.

They're a little bit
like, "Who is this guy?"

Hi, are we day drinking?

- Thank God.
- Mm-hmm.

- Phoebe, this place, amazing.
- Thank you.

It's tax deductible.

[laughing]

Hey, how's, uh... how's Jo?

I talked to her last night,

but she didn't want to get
into the whole Scott thing.

- Oh.
- I can't believe he just left.

- I know.
- Brutal.

Well, I'm sure she
just needs some space,

you know, time to
process. She'll be fine.

Like you, who's having
her first date tonight.

What? That was fast. Who's the guy?

He's in finance, but he's
not a client or my boss,

so I would consider
that personal growth.

Wouldn't you, ladies?

Look at you, growing and changing.

- All right, I got to go.
- Wait, hold, stop.

What's happening with the whole
Hester Prynne thing at work?

Oh, well, kicking ass on
the biggest divorce case

the firm's had in years
tends to shut people up, hmm?

All right, I'll see you guys later.

- Both: Mwah. Mwah.
- Have fun.

Bye. Um, guys?

We have to go try the caipirinhas

in the upper library.

- Twist my arm.
- How did it go today?

Did Cat like your pitch?

It wasn't actually with Cat. Thank you.

She sent the toddler that works
for her, Melissa. Remember her?

Oh, no, no the enfant terrible.

Where'd you land? Any exciting ideas?

No, she wants me to
write a romance novel.

- Oh, yes!
- Oh, my God, I love this idea.

- You have to go all "50 Shades."
- Yes.

Like, violent and tormented and cool...

Mm-mm, I prefer straight-up
Victorian erotica.

- Oh.
- What, like "Hamilton" porn?

Absolutely.

It's salacious with the corsets,

and the wigs, and the heaving bosoms.

No, I'm not gonna waste
my time pandering to horny,

middle-aged women.

No offense.

Um, well, I have to go.

I'm meeting everyone at 1600

'cause I need camping gear,
affordable camping gear.

We're not 19th century fur trappers.

I need a tent. I'm
going. I love you. Bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Now, you.

I thought that your goddess ceremony

column came out really great.

Oh, it was superficial horseshit,

but Mitchell seemed happy, so win.

There has got to be
a way to give Mitchell

his usual sexy-sex fun and
still do it Barbara-style.

What about a night on the town piece?

You're the one that said it's been ages

since you got some full-body loving.

That's, like, two birds, one bar.

For me, a night on the town includes me

lying on a couch watching
Ben Affleck in "The Town."

Oh, come on, you can't
just live in "what is."

You have to live in "what if."

There's got to be
someplace you like to go.

There is this sporty establishment

that I enjoy perusing.

Okay, great, there you go,
a lady out on the prowl.

- Want to be my wing-woman?
- To a sporty bar?

No, hard pass.

I want you to join me, lassie.

Oh, my God, that is
terrifying. Is that Irish?

In your britches and your bosom.

Stop that. Please stop
that. Okay, I'll go!

- Oh, yay!
- No, I tend to miss.

- Hit my damn hand.
- Okay, sorry.

_

- You ready for a hot night?
- You look ready.

That is quite the wardrobe change.

Thank you. I thought,
you know, sports bar,

one color, a little bit structured,

just sort of super simple
but not overtly sexual.

Thanks.

Oh, my God, this place is...

[cheering]

- It's pretty great, huh?
- It is energetic.

Oh, man, what inning are we on?

I like all the wood detailing.

Babs, hey, girl.

It's been a while.

- I know. It's a nice crowd tonight.
- Yeah, well, Dodgers are playing.

So what are you getting?

Uh, I will have a beer,
any lager that's on tap.

And I... do you have a good rose?

- Uh, house red get the job done?
- Yeah, that's... yes, thank you.

And to eat, I'm dying for the
wings and fries and poppers?

No poppers. Wait, yes, poppers,

but after the wings.
It's for us to share.

Okay, great, and I will get

a salad on the side of all that.

Sure, any salad in particular, or?

Something with kale?

[laughing]

Okay, anything green will do.

- I'll find something for you.
- Okay, thank you.

Be right back with your drinks.

Yeah.

I know this is not exactly your scene.

No, I love it. It's great.

Well, here's to a
kick-ass, rocking night.

Here's to finding you a hot, hot hottie.

Okay.

- [laughter]
- [cheering]

Oh, and...

- [cheering]
- Nice.

[sighs]

Not bad for today's work.

Who knew two tiny broads

could give the baking
whisperer a run for his money?

Do you still need my help, or can I...

No, no, you hit the books.

Go study. I can close
solo. And thank you, honey.

Ethan?

We still got a few more
trays to clean, my man.

Me and the mini-me baked
up a few more rounds.

Good start for tomorrow, huh?

Cool, I'll put them all in the fridge.

Great.

Hey, Zooey.

- Good job.
- Thank you.

Uh, and what about that cake order?

What are you talking about?

The wedding cake tasting for tomorrow?

Scott said that there's
a tasting in then.

I got to bake a goddamn wedding cake?

Okay, here it is, the
Lucille Mason wedding.

Screw me in the... what is this?

- I mean, it's his recipe.
- A sunrise on a snowy sky,

a rolling wave beneath the
moo... Where are the ingredients?

Scott says that sometimes

when we write out our
ingredients in a list,

it... dulls our creative spark.

This is not a recipe.

This is a nonsensical
bullshit baking poem. Zooey?

I'm right here.

Why don't we call the
bride and ask for more time?

No, we do not delay tastings.

That is not
the Rize way.

You go. You sit, study vectors.

Adios.

I got this.

Oh, you don't own me. Mm-mm.

I can't believe you
downloaded a meditation app.

You're so you.

It was Phoebe's idea, and
my last book was such a mess.

It was so muddled and...

Yeah, but a mess can be compelling.

Yeah, well, tell that to my career.

But you know what? Enough about me.

Let us talk about you and men.

Okay, 12:00, my 12:00.

Red polo shirt, facial scruff.

Hell no. I do not do backwards caps.

Why not?

It can be so sexy, especially
when they keep it on

and, you know, they're down there,

and they got their little
hat on... it's so college.

Get your mind out of
the frat house, lady,

or who am I to judge? Go hit that.

No, I'm not hitting anything.

You're the one that's
hitting. I'm just pitching.

You see what I did there?

Sports.

Yeah, I hardly recognize you anymore.

The bartender is smiling at you.

I'm a regular here. I know the staff.

He's cute.

He has stretcher studs in his earlobes.

Okay, but we are looking

for a legit prospect for you tonight.

Come on, for your column, open up.

I am open.

I'm open to having a nice
night out with my wing-woman.

Here, have a wing,
woman, 'cause seriously,

that salad makes me want to hang myself.

I'm good, and wing-woman by definition

is about picking up men,

so... let me help you.

Focus.

5:00, at the bar.

I'm gonna warm him up for you.

- Okay, that sounds filthy.
- And it will be soon.

Have fun, wing-woman.

Excuse me, sir?

My girlfriend loves
your broad shoulders,

but they're blocking
her view of the game.

Well, tell your friend to just...

2-8's mom.

Coach.

My mistake.

As you were.

You said his broad,

manly shoulders were blocking
my view of the television?

I did not say "Manly." You added that.

Oh, my God, is he looking here?

- Uh, that's Mike Brady.
- Mike Brady?

Mike Brady, as in "The Brady Bunch"?

Wait, you know him?

No, but I've seen him around here a bit.

He was a pro player for
the Kansas City Royals.

Heard he's getting a divorce.

And he's coming over here.

Shit, he's such an asshole.
We are gonna make small talk,

and I am going to get rid of him.

Hello, Mike Brady, Coach Mike Brady.

The last place I would
expect to see you.

Good instincts. You got her pegged.

Hi, I'm Barbara.

Mike. I've seen you around here.

Yeah.

Um, it was so great to see you,

Coach Mike Brady, but
we were actually...

Just chilling. Want to join us?

Why not?

Uh, can I?

[chuckles] Mind if I...

Please. Mi poppers son su poppers.

My friend here just eats air.

[laughs]

- So you're a Dodger fan?
- Yeah.

I haven't watched much of this,

but Kazmir is having a tough night.

Shouldn't it be "Dodgers fan"?

I mean, isn't there
more than one Dodger?

Wait, you used to play with A-Rod.

Two years.

Is it true what they say about him?

Well, they say a lot about A-Rod,

but, uh, A-Rod
can be about A-Rod.

You know I was actually at the playoff
game when you threw the no hitter?

- In '05? No way.
- Oh.

[upbeat music]

- [sighs]
- You the lawyer?

- Where is he?
- Perfect.

What is the emergency?

Ronnie's text was really vague.

Sorry, it's kind of hard
to explain, you know,

with, like, the... with the mouth words.

Okay, well, try.

I had to leave a really
stimulating date to get here.

You got to just... you got to...

You got to just see this.

- Okay. Excuse me.
- [laughing]

Out of my way, please.

Wh... oh, my God, Ronnie.

Delia!

You are so badass.

Would you ex-explain this?

Oh.

Gav, you want to take this one?

Well, you see, we were trying

to make a cast out of Ronnie's cock.

It's so beautiful. It
belongs in a museum.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, we got it on so, so well,

but the getting it off
part, it's not good.

My, um, piercing...

Well, you see, they don't even
bother mentioning the piercings

until the troubleshooting section.

Like, and, you know,
I don't want to, like,

you know, break the thing off...

- Oh, holy sh...
- Or, like, deform it.

Ronnie, hey, look at
me, right here. Focus.

Eye contact. Thank you.

Ronnie, you run a Fortune 500 company.

We're in the middle of
divorce negotiations.

If your wife's lawyers
get any evidence of this,

they're gonna have a field day.
They're gonna put it online.

- That's why I called you.
- Are you high?

Help me, Delia Banai.
You're my only hope.

- Stop that.
- [laughter]

Everyone shut up! Stop laughing.

Okay, I'm gonna call a doctor I know.

He's very discreet, okay?

What's your name? I don't care.

Give me the bag. Give me the bag.

People, we are on full lockdown.

Phones in the bag.

This incident doesn't
leave this loft, got it?

Wonderful, good job.

A little fuel, some oxygen, and a spark,

and that's how you get fire.

Put it on in the fire there.

Yeah, cook it up. There you go.

Hey.

- Who are you texting?
- A friend.

Which friend?

Okay.

Uh, I made something for you.

Hmm?

Oh, okay. Thanks.

We were collecting wood
earlier for the fire,

and I just picked up a couple things,

and I made it for you.

Yeah, sure. It's nice.

Mommy!

- There's something out there.
- Okay, just stay calm, bud.

It's nothing that's
gonna hurt us, probably.

- What are you talking about?
- It seems really, really big.

- Uh-oh. What if it's a bear?
- No, it's not a bear, okay?

But whatever it is, we
just need to remain calm

and show it that we are... [growling]

- We are not scared of it.
- [growling]

Loud noises, pots and
pans, what do you have?

Anything? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, okay.

Um, yeah, we're not afraid of you, bear.

This is what we're gonna do.
We're not afraid of you, bear!

Yeah.

All: We're not afraid of you, bear!

We're not afraid of you, bear!

Go away! Go away!

[all shouting at once]

Wait a minute, I think I see something.

It was a possum.

[laughter]

No. [laughing]

But it knows that
we're not afraid of it.

Or bears.

Okay, what do you say we
will go put out the fire,

and you two get tucked in?

All right.

Goodnight, mom. See you in the morning.

Goodnight.

[moaning]

Oh, we're such good parents.
We're such good parents.

- We are.
- Yeah.

- We are so...
- Yes. Ah!

- So good at this.
- Such good...

Parents.

Oh, mother.

So this is what failure tastes like.

I think it might be time for plan B.

- Not Bristol Farms?
- That is the B.

- That's it.
- No, stop, sit. I've got this.

Mom, if you go to Bristol Farms alone,

you're just gonna come back
with $100 worth of olives.

It happens every time.

Enough. You've been
amazing, my little Mensa,

but I've got to deal
with this myself, okay?

You look exhausted.

I'm gonna take you home, and
then I'm going to Bristol.

You got this, E? You got the mess?

- Uh, yeah, no prob.
- No prob, see?

Okay.

[light acoustic music]

[cheers and applause]

I mean, Gonzalez, that catch was redonk.

Yeah, reason he gets the big bucks.

Okay, I think we need
more fries to celebrate.

I'm in, on me this time.

If there's any fries left.

Thank you.

It was a joke.

Well, people in grass houses.

Hey, what you eating there?

Lettuce, she is eating
lettuce defensively.

Thinks it'll protect her
from all of the grease.

Okay, stop that, and it's tasty.

- You're like a rabbit.
- No, I am like

a normal human female
living in Los Angeles,

land of impossible body image standards,

so I'm fine.

Well, then eat a freaking fry already.

Jesus, it's not gonna kill you.

I don't want one, okay?

They make me feel crappy,

and I happen to really like salad.

Maybe you should try it sometimes.

Okay, that came out wrong.

Did it?

Well, I'm gonna get back to the bar.

Barbara, 2-8's mom.

Abby, please call me
Abby. My name is Abby.

Sorry, 2-8's mom.

He's so infuriating, isn't he?

That salad comment.

Explain.

This was supposed to
be a sexy sex night out,

and you ordered all the
greasiest food in the place.

That is not exactly a hot dude magnet.

And yet your coach was
all over my poppers.

I don't eat this stuff all the time.

This is what I do to enjoy a night out.

You know what? Maybe we
should just leave, I think.

Maybe you should go.
I'll hang out with Mike.

Maybe I'll hit that later.

Oh, that is what you're choosing,

the one guy who won't even
say your friend's name?

That's nice.

- That was a joke.
- Really?

How do you know he
would even go for you?

- Excuse you?
- Shit, I d... I...

- Uh-uh.
- Not what I meant.

- Some men like an actual woman.
- You are one.

I did not mean that...

Yeah, you did.

Goodnight, Abby.

[sighs]

Barbara, come on.

Stop. I'm not doing this.

My car is two minutes away.

Oh, now three, damn it.

I'm sorry. I'm really,
really sorry, okay?

I didn't mean anything
by any of that in there.

Huh, you usually mean what you say.

Oh, my God, I am so sick of this.

You're so sensitive. You're so touchy.

- Me? I'm touchy?
- Yes, you were touchy last week

when I gave you notes on your column.

- Wow.
- And now tonight, I mean,

you're the one that
wanted me to come here.

I didn't think you were
gonna make me feel like shit

about how big I was or how I eat.

- You want the truth?
- Oh, please.

I'm your friend, and I worry about you.

Oh, here we go.

No, I... you don't always
make the best choices in food.

You don't always take care of yourself,

and maybe that's why you're
so shut down around men...

- What?
- And sex and intimacy,

- and love...
- You are unbelievable.

And I want you to have all that.

You say you're open to new possibilities

when you are the most uptight,

skinny-ass bitch I know.

What the hell does that mean?

You think I have issues with food?

- At least I eat.
- I eat.

I'm talking about actual food: carbs,

stick-to-your-ribs
anything.

How dare you judge me as if
you know anything about my life

when you're the one
who's flailing right now?

You just wrapped up a full-on...
full-on nervous breakdown,

screwing hookers,

- stripping at a strip club.
- Okay, come on.

I... it was one hooker,
and I didn't even pay him.

Okay, shh, don't even say
that you didn't pay for it.

- But I didn't pay him.
- Just stop.

And I'm going through menopause,

and I just went through
a very tough divorce.

- Hi!
- Okay, and my...

My stuff with food,

I get it, yes, not normal.

I am clear on that, a
little bit controlled,

but it is healthier
than eating too much.

Abby, deal with your own truth.

Stay the hell out of mine.

[sighs]

Ethan? Ethan?

- Hey, sorry, I just...
- Ignored me.

This place is still a mess, man!

- Yeah, but I...
- I am so tired.

I went to three Bristol Farms

before I finally found a cake

worthy of wedding-day plagiarism.

I baked it, the cake.

What are you talking about?

You baked the crazy poem cake?

Well, Scott, he sometimes
would show me a few tricks.

Tricks?

First of all, this is not a trick.

This is a freaking mad genius
wedding cake piece of art.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

- Wow, thanks.
- Yeah.

- Didn't think...
- Shut up.

I'm tired. You are promoted.

- Really?
- Yes.

- Congrats, baker.
- Wow.

Yes, but until we find
another dishwasher,

you still got to clean up, so get to it.

Okay, cool. Thanks.

[soft instrumental music]

[rock music]

Shit.

Hey.

- Thank you.
- Sure.

Your friend left pretty quickly.

Yeah, well, yeah.

She seemed upset at you.

I don't see why you care or
how that's any of your business.

It's not. Just making conversation.

Night, 2-8's mom.

- What is your problem with me?
- My problem?

The way you talk to
me, it is dehumanizing.

It's mean. You're mean.

You're a mean person.

Table four's bill, as you requested.

Thanks.

- Is that...
- Thank you.

- Yeah.
- Did you just pay for our food?

- Yeah.
- Why would you do that?

Well, I ate more than half your poppers.

It seemed fair.

I don't want you to do that.
I'm gonna give you some cash.

Don't worry about it.

- No, I don't want to owe you anything.
- It's too late.

See you at practice.

Okay, thank you all, photos wiped.

Everyone sign those NDAs?

- Yeah.
- Yes? Great.

Because those belfies were disgusting.

Breathe a word of this to anyone,

and you'll wish you
were never born, got you?

Thank you very much.

All righty. Thanks, Gavin. There you go.

Beautiful.

Appreciate you. Doctor.

I'll send my bill to your office.

I'll send you the copy of the NDA.

Thank you.

All right, buh-bye.

- You're worth every penny.
- Well, what you pay

isn't nearly enough for that shit, so...

[sighs] How do you feel?

- Still a bit numb.
- Mm.

Maybe you can, you know,

help it along a little, you know?

- Excuse me?
- Look, I'm not asking for

a blow-job or anything.

Maybe a gentle handy.

Are you out of your mind?

Some light caressing, okay? Don't freak.

Don't freak? I'm your
lawyer, not your geisha.

Heard you were more of a
full-service kind of lawyer.

- Who told you that?
- A lot of people.

It's pretty widely-known,

but just to clarify,

that's a no on the hand job?

[sighs]

Hey, okay, your hand, your decision.

You should really have some, 'Nouk.

- I don't eat pancakes anymore.
- Oh.

We should come back soon,
maybe see a real bear.

[laughing] Maybe. We'll be ready for it.

Hey, sweetie, can I
talk to you for a sec?

- What's wrong?
- No, nothing's wrong.

I was just... I was packing up the tent,

and, um, I noticed a little
spot on your sleeping bag.

Oh, I thought I cleaned that up. Sorry.

No, no, no, no, n... Do not be sorry.

There is nothing to be sorry about.

It is totally natural for
you to get your period.

It just means that you're all grown up.

Oh, my gosh.

- Okay.
- I'm sorry,

it's just such a big moment.

Is there any questions you have, like,

anything you want to ask me?

- No, I'm... I'm okay.
- Maybe we could plan a little,

like, cleansing ritual
for your first moon cycle.

- It's not my first one.
- What do you mean?

I got it, like, three months ago.

Oh. Who did you, um...

Martita explained everything.

Okay.

I'm gonna go finish eating.

Yeah, yeah, okay, sounds good.

[sighs]

[doorbell rings]

Hi.

Hey.

Peace?

That was mean. I was mean.

And I'm sorry for implying

that you're anything
but straight-up gorgeous,

and for being super judgy,

and for making assumptions
about you and your life,

and I'm sorry for being s... hello.

Uh, hi. You're out of soap.

Uh, the cabinet next to the bathroom,

second shelf from the top.

What? I was mad at you. I
had to take it out on someone.

Good.

And... and your son is home?

Wow, is that judgment I smell?

No. Yeah, sorry.

My son is with his dad this weekend

and my sister, his stepmother/aunt.

Good.

I am an uptight, starving idiot

who has a hard time
opening up to new things,

and... you clearly have a very fun,

sexy column to write, so exciting.

What, about that? Hell no.

That's embarrassing, but
I think I will write about

that time my wing-woman called me fat

while we were out picking up men.

Yeah, hmm, I deserve that.

Don't worry.

I won't use any real names.

[upbeat music]

Mmm.

Oh, my God. I love this.

It is exactly what Scott promised.

You are so lucky to have him.

How is he so amazing?

- One of life's great mysteries.
- [laughter]

Is he here? Can I...
can I gush in person?

- Nope, he's not here right now.
- Can you ask him to call me?

I'm just... I'm such a big fan,

and I would love to thank him,
and maybe take him out, and...

Sorry, you can't thank
him. You can't talk to him.

Why?

Because he's not here.

He left. He's gone.

- Excuse me?
- Mm-hmm.

And he didn't even make that cake.

That kid over there made it, that child.

Come here.

The blushing bride.

Uh, Ethan,
the new Rize baker.

A dishwasher turned
baker who saved my ass.

Your cake, that was three
tiers of tears, baby.

That was a sad-ass sadness cake

because Scott is a coward,

and yes, I pushed him
away. He said he loved me.

I rejected him, but he's a man whore.

- A... a man whore?
- Who screwed so many women

around this bakery that if someone

took a black light to this place,

the health department would
shut us down like that,

and I had a reason to
freak out, you know?

I mean, the guy surprised me,

and not because his dick
was the size of a fish,

a very big fish, like, a barracuda,

but, uh...

he has a huge heart...

And I just felt too much.

You know?

And now he's gone.

God damn it!

I guess we'll just
invoice you for the cake?

Hey.

2-8 just went on a
sleepover with 3-6.

That is so cool.

He is making real, live, living friends.

Go baseball.

I just, um... thank you for
paying for our food last night.

That was really nice, and I
was... I was very rude to you.

Yeah.

Okay, yeah.

That... that wasn't my best self.

I just want you to know
that I'm usually pretty okay.

Okay.

Okay.

All right, I'm gonna head out.

He had a good practice today, your kid.

Really?

He's getting better.

Do you have to do this

after every practice and every game?

Yup, someone has to.

Do you need help?

You want to help me?

You paid for my plate
of grass last night.

Least I could do.

Didn't think you were the
type that liked to get dirty.

Have at it.

Okay, I will have at it.

Just don't make it worse.

[laughing]

What do you...

I mean...

Well, I'd say that trip was a
rousing success, wouldn't you?

Even Anouk seemed to warm up by the end.

Yeah, I guess. Not sure it's enough.

Well, you got to give it a chance.

I mean, let's get real, JD.

I haven't been the most...
present parent ever.

Maybe I missed my window.

Too little, too late.

Better late than never.

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm gonna go start the laundry.

[dramatic music]

What a sleazebag. You should fire him.

You should fire that
sleazy billionaire ass.

- I can't. Too high profile.
- Ugh.

And this case is what is

keeping the tattered shreds
of my career together.

Plus I went on my first
date since Gordon last night.

- Mazel. And?
- Awful.

Mm.

You okay?

You just seem, I don't know...

Turns out I'm sad, but
things are looking up finally.

Zooey's good. Frump's getting
cleaned up, and I'll be okay.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

Me too.

Well, it's about fricking time, Delia.

Here's to us.

- Here's to us.
- Mm-hmm.

Mm, have you seen "The
Great British Baking Show"?

- I say.
- Oh, unbelievably comforting.

- Really?
- Oh, yes, only it's

with 12
not-so-hot Scotts

all fighting for the same grand prize.

- Really?
- Oh, yes, it's great.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Couch still free?

[sultry music]

Coach Mike Brady.

Can I help you with that rake?

You want to help me?

You got to give it to me first.

Didn't think you were the
type that liked to get dirty.

I guess I am.

I guess I'm a dirty, dirty baseball mom.

Guess you are, 2-8's mom.

[gasps]

My name is Abby.

My name is Abby.

2-8's mom.

[gasps]

My... name... is...

Abby.

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