Original subtitles

WOMAN: And I demand that you live up to your guarantee.

ATTENDANT: But if you'd only read the contract...

...you'd know that only the lubricated parts are guaranteed, ma'am.

- So which are the lubricated parts? - The wheels.

As far as I'm concerned, you're a bunch of crooks.

You'd better take back your machine and refund my money.

What's the matter with him?

I guess the excitement was too much for him.

Can you imagine that? He was gonna shoot me...

...before he'd give me my money back.

[CASH REGISTER DINGS]

There's your refund.

[GUNSHOTS]

[CRASHING]

- What's going on here? SOLO: Who are you?

I'm a dissatisfied customer. I've come to return this.

My wife won't have it. It doesn't do the drapes--

[RADIO DEVICE BEEPING]

All right, we'll take care of it in a moment.

WAVERLY [ON RADIO] May I have your report, Mr. Solo?

Yes, uh, we have them all here.

Uh, we're bringing them in for interrogation.

SOLO: All right. Get up.

Come on.

You were most fortunate, Mr. Solo.

If you hadn't been shielded by the body of that Thrush agent...

...the explosion could've caused you far more damage.

Oh, fortunately it's just a sprain.

I should be out of the cast in a couple of days.

This latest intelligence report confirms our suspicions.

Thrush is moving its Western Hemisphere security files...

...to Thrush Central in Europe.

Well, the files are probably somewhere in New York, then.

Now that we have them on the defensive...

...they'll be moving very carefully and very slowly.

It's a good opportunity to find out where those files are hidden.

I think we can do it.

Even with a broken arm tied behind his back.

Mm?

[SOLO EXHALES]

I didn't know it was classified information.

I see.

Broken arm.

Mr. Kuryakin, you will assume command of the Section Two phase of the operation.

What did you, um, have in mind for me, sir?

We're renovating the brownstone apartments...

...adjacent to these headquarters. We bought them in the first place...

...with the idea of extending our security requirements.

Now it seems we're playing the role of landlord.

You'll replace Agent Quint in the inspection detail.

That will be considerable responsibility.

You have to make sure the tenants don't find out...

...that U.N.C.L.E. is their landlord.

I suppose you'll be what you might call a secret agent.

That'll be all, gentlemen.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

TIGER ED: Hey. Yeah, yeah, yeah, hey. My little birdie.

[TIGER ED YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

TIGER ED: Hey, hey! Yeah, yeah, hey!

[TIGER ED YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

Hey! Hey! Yeah. Hey!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, everybody, your leader is here, the Tiger.

We gonna learn a new dance. Call it the Bird.

Ready.

Yeah, go, Joy! Go, Laurie!

Here come a hunter with a great big gun Watch the Bird

Now, one, two, one, one!

One, one, yeah!

My little birdie, everybody, slide!

My little birdie, my little birdie!

Hey! Hey!

My little birdie, come on, baby!

If I were an U.N.C.L.E. agent, you'd be dead by now.

Hatcheck girl relieved you of your wallet, sent it through the tube.

You were x-rayed on your way through the door...

...revealing your.38 caliber Thrush revolver carried in your shoulder holster.

You'll be happy to know that you have very strong bones and fine teeth.

I'm Vincent Carver, Mr. Oakes. What can I do for you?

After that incident with your supply shipment yesterday...

...Central is concerned about your arrangements for moving the security files.

Oh, that.

A very nice cover you've got for yourself.

It keeps me off the streets, Mr. Oakes. Now, exactly what do you want?

Central wants you to make direct counter-moves...

...against U.N.C.L.E. immediately.

Now, where is your map of U.N.C.L.E. headquarters?

Here's the most recent one I have. Indicates the boundaries of the buildings.

We have only a general idea of the security provisions.

OAKES: Yes, but we do know this is one of the walls of Waverly's office, excuse me.

It adjoins this brownstone building here.

I hope you're not going to suggest that we blow through the wall.

A team tried that years ago. They're listed as missing in action.

No, but we're going to put a new type of listening device...

...on one of the apartment walls in Waverly's office.

Bug Waverly's office? Oh, you're putting me on.

I'm a technician, Carver.

I spend most of my time in cramped, poorly ventilated laboratories.

Sweating out ways to make people like you look good.

When I tell you it will work, it will work.

This is the last of the air-conditioners for this job, Mr. Solo.

Will you be finished with the painting on Monday?

Oh, I think so. This coat'll dry over the weekend.

- I'll go in and see how the men are doing. - All right.

[BEEPING]

Say...

...are you in charge of this operation?

Well, not exactly. I'm the inspector here. What seems to be your trouble?

Well, I live up there, in apartment 3F.

I just moved in about three months ago...

...and, like, I got this notice, the landlord's renovating...

...and raising the rent.

Well, I wanna protest.

Well, that's your privilege, lady. Uh....

Oh, but the manager won't help.

He won't even tell me the name of the landlord.

Nobody seems to know anything about it around this place.

Well, I'll tell you, I'd like to help you, but--

- What is, uh...? - Sandy Wyler. I-- I'm an actress.

- I'm Napoleon Solo. - Ha, that's a crazy name.

--I'm afraid I can't though.

Well, then I guess I'll just have to find this mysterious landlord myself.

CARVER: I see the tenant in question sings and dances.

Ms. Sandy Wyler's last and only performance...

...was in an avant-garde musical called The Metaphysical Toad.

- She needs a little career management. - She's gone.

On each of these panels are hundreds of tiny transistors...

...and transmitting modules.

Once they're on the wall, we cover the panels with a special galactic paint.

What has the paint got to do with it?

It acts as a magnetic reflection base for the coils.

This combination gives us the most powerful receiver possible.

So sensitive that we can hear through the lead wall...

...that surrounds Waverly's office.

Well, if we get through the weekend undetected, we'll be in pretty good shape.

What's going on here?

- Who are you men? - I'm sorry you had to ask that.

[GUNSHOT]

Ah!

CARVER: Boys.

He probably won't be missed until Monday.

Well, if nothing else, we're neat.

OAKES: It's coming through.

Waverly's sending three couriers to the airport.

Microfilm delivery.

Everything has gone on to those tapes.

- Are you gonna send men to intercept? - Tiger Ed.

- Call the Bronx field center, four men. - Sure thing, Vince baby.

He's a very good man.

Well, he may not be your style, but he's a very good man.

Maybe.

I think I'll take a check of your security installation, Mr. Carver.

- If you don't mind? - Of course, of course, go right ahead.

Farina dear, I wanna keep a monitor on this thing at all times.

Stay here till I send one of the other girls.

[ALARM SOUNDING]

Well, get on to it right away.

I'll run a green-light emergency check through security.

SOLO: How are you?

What is it?

No less than three of our courier operations were aborted this morning.

And Thrush was onto every one of them.

I can't understand it.

Well, I'll run a communications check. I don't see how they could do it...

...unless they've developed some sort of new eavesdropping device.

- Something like that. WAVERLY: Just a moment, Mr. Solo.

Mr. Kuryakin will handle this. I have something else for you.

Oh, well, what is that?

To compound my problems, I find that one of our brownstone tenants...

...a Ms. Sandy Wyler...

...has been in touch with the rent commissioner...

...the Corporations Commission, the Department of Public Works...

...the city attorney and the Better Business Bureau.

Yes, I believe she's protesting the raise in the rent, sir.

Oh, is she?

Well, we have the perfect right to raise the rent.

These improvements are costing us a great deal of money.

Shall I, um, relay that fact to her, sir?

Well, at least see if you can settle with her. Try to keep her quiet.

Otherwise, she'll ruin our cover.

Oh, don't worry. I'll be firm with her.

Yeah, okay, okay. I'll-- I'll see to it that your rent isn't raised.

You've gotta promise not to tell the other tenants.

But don't you see what a help it would be to my career if I didn't have to pay rent?

I understand that'd be a help to your career, but--

But I don't really have any money. I'm a struggling actress.

There are a lot of people who've been very kind to me.

You know, there's this fella who does my dry-cleaning free.

And Mr. Sweeny hasn't asked me to pay my delicatessen bill in 18 months.

And I'm sure you're every bit as kind as they are.

While you're here, if you could do it with your one arm.

I've got this very important appointment at 6:00.

- Which one? - Try that one, right there.

- This? - Yeah.

- Okay, there you go. All right. - Hope it's the right one.

Oh, everybody is going to be very handsomely repaid when I become a star.

Yeah, so you can just tell your landlord or whoever he is...

...that he doesn't have anything to worry about.

- You don't want this? - No.

- All right, which one do you want? - I think that one right--

- This one? - Yeah.

Okay. Did you ever think of getting married, Sandy? Hm?

Oh, every day. You know, there's this fellow, Freddie.

Uh, he owns a chain of pizza stands in Fresno, California.

He calls me long-distance and proposes.

Yeah, he's a living doll.

He even sends me frozen pizzas.

- Well, he sounds like he's irresistible. - Oh, yeah.

If I ever marry anyone, it will definitely be Freddie.

You know, I sincerely believe that a star can have a happy home life and a career.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

If I ever produce a play, Sandy, which is unlikely.

I'll be sure and star you in it.

I better get back to the office. I'll relay your proposition to them.

- You'll be hearing from us. - There's one other thing.

- Now, it's just a small thing. - What?

There's a stink here.

Smell this paint. Isn't it awful?

And this color. Do you suppose we could change the color?

Very unusual.

Hey, look at this.

Come on, don't worry.

What is it?

It's a shoestring.

But I never saw that shoestring before in my life.

Supposing someone were to offer you a considerable sum of money...

...for the use of your bedroom wall for espionage purposes....

What--? Espionage? What's the matter with you?

Do you think I wanna be blacklisted at this stage of my career?

I think I can vouch for Ms. Wyler's character.

For the moment.

Our communication section managed to extricate the body of Mr. Sherman...

...from the wall without interfering with Thrush's eavesdropping device.

I've set up a tape-recording machine in my room...

...for the purpose of keeping them supplied with plenty of irrelevant information.

If Thrush thinks they're keeping us busy...

...they'll probably try to move their security files to Europe.

Right away.

I have an idea that might expedite things, sir.

The answer's no, Mr. Solo.

- You have your assignment. - Yes, I, uh, know.

Hey, what do you guys have in mind?

It went dead.

[PHONE RINGS]

That's enough rehearsing for today, sweetheart.

Yes, Oakes. What is it?

Carver, you better come down here. Someone has killed our bug.

[OAKES SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

CARVER: What?

- We should repaint that wall. - Oh.

Yes, but let's do it smoothly and quietly.

You wait till we come out, then send your men in, huh?

[KNOCKING]

SANDY: Yes?

- Hey. - Aren't you Sandy Wyler, the actress?

- Yes, how did you know? - Well, I saw you in something.

I think it was off-Broadway. What was it?

The Metaphysical Toad. We ran two and a half performances.

The second act brought down the house, literally.

Oh, here it is. Right here.

Yes, you sang and danced your way right into my heart.

I had a terrible time finding you, but here I am.

- Well, what do you want? - I wanna put your talent to work.

In case you're interested...

...the guy with Sandy is the one who left the bomb in the vacuum-cleaner store.

In case you're interested.

I'll look after the two painters who went inside.

Oh, don't do any heavy lifting.

I'm an observer, remember?

SOLO: All right, gentlemen.

Off the ladder. Face the wall.

All right, just continue with your work.

I'll make sure you don't paint yourself into a corner.

Channel A.

Yes, sir?

WAVERLY [ON RADIO] We've done some research, Mr. Kuryakin.

It seems The Bealer's Club is run by one Vincent Carver.

He's a top-ranking Thrush operative.

Used to run their Los Angeles division.

- Under another name, of course. - How shall we proceed?

Well, I don't want to make any direct assaults on their headquarters just yet.

Since Ms. Wyler was nice enough to lead us there...

...we should repay her by being as cautious as possible.

I think it would be a good idea if I went into the club tonight.

See if they have their security files here.

WAVERLY [ON RADIO]: I'm covering the area with agents, Mr. Kuryakin.

We'll wait for your signal.

Go.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

Ba, ba, ba, boo, ba ba.

That's it, hit it. Ba, ba, ba.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey. That's it.

Who is she? What does she think she's doing?

She's replacing you.

From now on, Farina, you're going to be the official hostess.

Oh, don't worry, darling. I'm doing this for you.

You deserve to take it a little easier for a while.

Sure.

Well, where did you find this one?

Oh, it was just a coincidence. The listening device is in her apartment.

I had to get her out of the place.

Are you gonna tell her about the organization?

Not for the moment, no. That will come in time.

- I'll know just how to handle it. - Yes, I remember.

Farina...

...I won't forget you.

Oh, man, she's gonna be something else.

[TIGER ED SINGING]

Oh, thank you, sweetheart. Mm-hm.

- You hear from Oakes? - No, why?

He didn't come back this afternoon.

- Would he have gone without telling you? - No, I don't think so.

You better go and check this out.

Find out if anything's going on in her apartment.

Oh, is our listening device still working?

I was just down the monitoring room.

We ought to hear some pretty interesting stuff in the morning.

- What's the action for tonight? - I'm breaking in our new act.

Why not?

Oh, by the way, Farina's out there laying herself out.

If she was my mother, I'd take her home.

You'll probably get a call from Thrush Central tonight.

Hey, out.

They should be very happy to know...

...that you're moving the security records out in the morning.

Those security files are very important to Thrush.

If U.N.C.L.E. should get their hands on them...

...they could knock out our Western Hemisphere operations in a matter of hours.

So we have to be very careful who we rely on.

And if anybody jeopardized our operation....

- Ha. - Ha.

Why don't you take Farina with you on your ride to the girl's apartment tonight?

She could use an airing out.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CROWD CHATTERING AND LAUGHING]

Where are all those people who were suppose to be protecting me?

I thought we should have some time alone together first.

Have you found out anything?

Enough to keep my back out of place for the next six months.

- About our business. - Huh?

[WHISPERS] About our business.

Well, uh, uh--

There's some stairs backstage that lead down to some storerooms.

Uh, I think they keep the monitoring equipment or something down there.

Anything else?

Well, there's a truck in the big storeroom in back.

If that means anything.

Oh, yes.

And I have a date to meet Carver after we close...

...which is about 15 minutes from now.

Well, I don't think I have to tell you what he has in mind.

Don't worry, I'll try and help you to break your date.

You better get back in your cage.

[MUSIC STOPS PLAYING]

[CROWD CHEERING AND WHISTLING]

Channel A, please.

Come in.

Tiger Ed and the girl known as Farina are just leaving the club.

Channel A, please.

An all-unit clearance. Stand by alert pattern G.

Thrush...

...records.

MAN [ON RECORD PLAYER]: Thrush Agent Eugene Paluzzi.

Office in the International Oil building, Rome, Italy.

Height, 5'7".

That wasn't at all necessary.

You have a lot to learn about employee relationships.

I don't care who you are or what you're up to, just stay away from me.

It seems as if we both made a mistake, doesn't it?

[PHONE RINGS]

Yes, Carver here.

Thrush Central? Yes, yes.

No, no, don't worry. The shipment's going out at 3:00 this morning.

Oakes? Well, I assumed he came directly back to you.

Yes, I left him in the girl's apartment.

Yes, goodbye.

I'd-- I'd like to apologize about this evening. It really was all my fault.

SANDY: Oh, that's all right.

Uh, if you don't mind, I think I'll go home now.

Oh, no, no. I don't mind. Don't worry. This doesn't change a thing between us.

Lucky for me, your apartment adjoins Waverly's office.

- Yeah, I suppose it is. - Otherwise I never would've discovered you.

Oh...

Oh, come on, Ed. There's nobody here. Let's split.

- Yeah, you first. - Oh! Put me down.

[PIANO SOUNDING]

Any requests?

How about "Hands up, you're covered"?

[PIANO SOUNDING]

You see, I danced my way right into his heart.

Well, I suppose...

...I better sit this one out.

- Baby, you can't do this to me. - Why not?

Well, for one thing, it's too hokey.

Ed?

Tiger baby?

[BLADE SCREECHING]

SOLO: All right, turn it off.

[TIGER ED GRUNTS]

[TIGER ED YELLING]

[BOTH MEN GRUNTING]

I've had a rotten life.

This is, uh, Farina, Mr. Waverly, one of Carver's accomplices.

Well, you'd better send her to headquarters for interrogation.

Eh. No, no. That won't be necessary.

She's sort of, uh, fallen out of favor, so to speak.

She wants to cooperate with us.

Oh? In what way?

Well, the Thrush files are in there.

Uh, Carver's shipping them out sometime this morning.

I know a back way into the place.

Oh, really?

- Any word from Illya? - Not yet, no.

Well, it's possible they discovered them.

Uh, what are you going to do?

Well, if I don't hear from Kuryakin soon, we're gonna rush the building.

Uh, signal headquarters.

Tell them to send me every available walking agent, right away.

Mr. Solo....

- Ah, here it is. SOLO: How do we open it?

I don't know. I-- I just knew where it was.

There's an alarm system around the edge of the door...

...in case someone tries to break in or remove it.

What are you gonna do with that?

Well, this is a oxylene torch lighter. I'm going to cut out...

- ...the center of the door. - Oh.

Let me have your hands, please.

Girls, tie them up.

I'm sure the entire area is surrounded by U.N.C.L.E. agents.

But don't let that worry you. They won't catch me.

And they'll never get you out of here alive.

It may be a little late...

...but I'm sorry things turned out this way, for your sake.

Oh, that's all right. It's not your fault.

Hey, come to think of it, it is your fault.

Well, he's right about one thing. Our people are all around this building.

We're not finished yet.

Well, everybody seems to be coming back from the dead tonight.

- Mister, um...? SOLO: Solo, of the U.N.C.L.E.

CARVER: Oh.

SOLO: Drop the cane.

Kick it over.

Turn around.

- You're always fouling me up, aren't you? - Don't say that, Vince.

[SOLO GRUNTS]

I'm sorry I brought him in here, but I was mad.

- You can't blame me for that. - No, I don't blame you, sweetheart.

- I'll do anything for you. - How many men are there outside?

FARINA: A couple of dozen, all over the streets.

CARVER: I better get out of here.

CARVER: Here's one more for your collection, sweetheart.

Excuse me.

Rest of you girls, wait for me upstairs, won't you?

Time to reconsider, Carver.

You're not gonna get away with it, you know that?

I think I have a special number for you, kiddies.

Ah, here it is. One of our auto-destruct numbers.

There's a signal in the last eight bars of this number...

...that will short circuit all the electrical equipment.

The club burns down. The records are destroyed.

I escape, and all's well that ends well.

Is that too loud for you?

Carver, take Sandy with you.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON RECORD PLAYER]

I'd like to save your life, sweetheart, but let's face it, I'm a heel.

I just never thought it would end like this.

Oh, I can just see the headline, "Young Actress Killed in Nightclub Fire."

I bet they don't even get my name right.

- Well, he said, no, he said-- GIRL 2: Italy.

GIRL 3: Oh, let's ask him. GIRL 4: Ask him.

GIRL 5: Wait. CARVER: Girls.

Girls, girls, girls. I wanna thank each and every one of you.

You've been wonderful through the whole nasty mess.

Mr. Carver, what happens to us?

Well, I'm afraid the show is closing down.

GIRLS: Aw.

You're not gonna leave us stranded here, are you?

You all need to get off your feet for a while.

[ALL GIRLS YELP]

FARINA: Sleep gas? CARVER: They'll live to dance again.

But the place'll burn down by then.

I never thought of that. You have an idea.

Take this. I have to go in the office.

Stand over there, in case those U.N.C.L.E. agents try to get in. Hm?

- But then what'll I do? - They have to get through you to get me.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON RECORD PLAYER]

Does anyone know how we're going to get out of here?

I'm afraid we'll just have to relax and enjoy the music.

My cast has taken quite a beating tonight.

I might be able to slip out of it.

[SOLO GRUNTING]

[RECORD SCREECHING]

[EXPLOSIONS]

Well, Farina, sweetheart, you know how I hate goodbyes, don't you?

But what do you mean?

It does take you a while to catch on, doesn't it?

Oh, but, Vince baby, I'm crazy about you.

Don't do it, Vince. Please.

- Please. - Sorry, baby.

But that's show biz.

[FARINA COUGHING]

I don't think your magic wand will reach this far. Drop it.

The Thrush cane also fires a bullet, Mr. Solo.

I left a man on the wall of her apartment who could testify to that fact.

Though that might be asking too much of him.

SOLO: Put it down. - I'm sure to get at least one of you.

- Perhaps even the girl. - Mr. Carver?

That'll be enough of that, Mr. Carver. You'll be coming with us.

- You all right, Ms. Wyler? - Much better than I expected, sir.

- Thank you. - Good.

Where's all the smoke coming from?

Oh, downstairs. I'd better call the fire department.

Mr. Solo will give you all the details, sir.

Yes, what about those Thrush records, Mr. Solo?

What, the...?

Oh, yes. Well, the, uh, the records.

They won't do, uh, Thrush any good either, sir.

I see.

Well, you can give me the rest of your report at headquarters.

Good night, Ms. Wyler.

Thank you.

Well, Sandy, have, uh, you struggled enough?

[SANDY LAUGHS]

Freddie, the fellow who owns the chain of pizza stands...

...called me this morning again and proposed.

So I accepted.

Well, congratulations. I think you'll find marriage...

...a nice change of pace.

Oh, yes.

Oh, but Freddie sold the pizza stands...

...and he bought a summer theater in the San Fernando Valley. Yeah.

Well, at least I won't have to go very far for good parts.

SOLO: Ha, ha. - Sort of a permanent leading lady.

Mm. Sounds romantic, doesn't it? Ha.

Well, I guess I better go.

I gotta meet Freddie at the airport. Mm.

[DEVICE BEEPING]

Yes, Mr. Waverly?

WAVERLY [ON RADIO]: You're supposed to be on vacation, Mr. Solo.

- Let me speak to Mr. Kuryakin. - Yes, sir?

WAVERLY [ON RADIO]: Prepare yourself to leave this afternoon...

...for Prague, Mr. Kuryakin.

We've just learned that an international crime syndicate...

...is using a motion-picture studio for a cover operation.

The Prague office will give you the details.

Yes, sir.

You mean, after all this, and what with your arm...

...don't you think you'd better stay here for a while?

What, and give up show business?

[ENGLISH SDH]