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1
00:00:01,835 --> 00:00:04,470
Cheers is filmedbefore a live studio audience.
2
00:00:04,537 --> 00:00:06,672
A little bit more to the
left there, Woody.
3
00:00:06,740 --> 00:00:08,841
Yeah, ah, perfect.
4
00:00:08,908 --> 00:00:10,009
Good, good.
5
00:00:10,076 --> 00:00:11,210
How's that?
Nice.
6
00:00:14,881 --> 00:00:16,782
(laughing)
7
00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:20,152
A little bit more to
the right, Wood!
8
00:00:20,220 --> 00:00:21,353
Yeah. Ah, ah, ah.
Yeah.
9
00:00:21,421 --> 00:00:22,621
Good!
There you go!
10
00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:23,756
How's that?
11
00:00:23,823 --> 00:00:25,624
Perfect!
12
00:00:26,726 --> 00:00:29,028
Well,
13
00:00:29,095 --> 00:00:30,396
about six or eight
inches more
14
00:00:30,463 --> 00:00:31,630
to the right
there, Wood!
15
00:00:31,698 --> 00:00:32,798
How's that?
16
00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:33,966
Yeah,
17
00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:35,234
perfect.
18
00:00:39,105 --> 00:00:40,773
You guys ain't even close.
19
00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:42,141
Uh, you know,
20
00:00:42,208 --> 00:00:44,943
I think maybe we need
a-a taller building.
21
00:00:45,011 --> 00:00:46,645
What about the Prudential Tower?
22
00:00:46,713 --> 00:00:48,180
Perfect!
23
00:00:50,216 --> 00:00:53,185
See you over there.
24
00:00:53,253 --> 00:00:55,954
(both laughing)
25
00:00:56,022 --> 00:00:57,956
(theme song begins)
26
00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:02,361
# Making your way
in the world today #
27
00:01:02,429 --> 00:01:05,431
# Takes everything you've got #
28
00:01:05,498 --> 00:01:08,267
# Taking a break
from all your worries #
29
00:01:08,335 --> 00:01:11,437
# Sure would help a lot #
30
00:01:11,504 --> 00:01:15,541
# Wouldn't you like
to get away? #
31
00:01:16,676 --> 00:01:19,545
# Sometimes you want to go #
32
00:01:19,612 --> 00:01:23,615
# Where everybody
knows your name #
33
00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:29,521
# And they're always
glad you came #
34
00:01:29,589 --> 00:01:31,790
# You wanna be
where you can see #
35
00:01:31,858 --> 00:01:34,360
# Our troubles
are all the same #
36
00:01:34,427 --> 00:01:38,664
# You wanna be where
everybody knows your name #
37
00:01:39,899 --> 00:01:41,834
# You wanna go
where people know #
38
00:01:41,901 --> 00:01:45,070
# People are all the same #
39
00:01:45,138 --> 00:01:49,708
# You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. #
40
00:02:10,997 --> 00:02:12,898
Good afternoon, all!
41
00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:13,966
Shut the door!
42
00:02:14,034 --> 00:02:14,933
Why?
43
00:02:15,001 --> 00:02:16,602
To keep out the
bitter cold.
44
00:02:18,605 --> 00:02:19,505
Too late.
45
00:02:19,572 --> 00:02:20,939
She got in.
46
00:02:21,007 --> 00:02:23,075
Oh, I sense the mood
of the bar.
47
00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:25,277
You're all suffering from
the winter blues,
48
00:02:25,345 --> 00:02:26,845
the shortened
daylight hours,
49
00:02:26,913 --> 00:02:29,648
the cold numbing weather,
the bleak sense of isolation.
50
00:02:29,716 --> 00:02:31,684
It's what we in the psychiatric
profession call,
51
00:02:31,751 --> 00:02:33,118
the jackpot!
52
00:02:34,854 --> 00:02:36,522
Frasier and I have
a wonderful plan
53
00:02:36,589 --> 00:02:37,856
to lift our spirits.
54
00:02:37,924 --> 00:02:39,892
What, are you gonna buy some
toys and canned goods
55
00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:41,593
and hand 'em out
to underprivileged kids?
56
00:02:41,661 --> 00:02:43,595
Well, no.
57
00:02:43,663 --> 00:02:46,231
We're checking into
a luxury hotel for
a getaway weekend,
58
00:02:46,299 --> 00:02:47,666
just the two of us.
59
00:02:47,734 --> 00:02:48,901
Oh.
60
00:02:48,968 --> 00:02:51,236
Well, that'll make
some bellboys happy.
61
00:02:52,939 --> 00:02:55,007
So, aren't you gonna
bring the kid?
62
00:02:55,075 --> 00:02:57,276
Well, we would, but we find
that we make better parents
63
00:02:57,344 --> 00:02:58,711
if we occasionally
take a break
64
00:02:58,778 --> 00:03:00,679
from our parenting
responsibilities.
65
00:03:00,747 --> 00:03:03,015
Hey, you don't have
to justify it to me.
66
00:03:03,083 --> 00:03:05,017
You know, my parents ran off
for a year
67
00:03:05,085 --> 00:03:07,019
with the Pentecostal caravan.
68
00:03:07,087 --> 00:03:08,854
Oh, sure,
69
00:03:08,922 --> 00:03:11,890
they called once in a while, but
they were speaking in tongues.
70
00:03:11,958 --> 00:03:13,492
Yeah.
71
00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:16,495
It was just by chance that
they came back at all.
72
00:03:18,531 --> 00:03:20,199
Sam!
73
00:03:20,266 --> 00:03:21,467
What are you doing?!
74
00:03:21,534 --> 00:03:22,568
I'm working.
75
00:03:22,669 --> 00:03:24,003
What does it look like
I'm doing?
76
00:03:24,070 --> 00:03:26,005
Well, excuse me,
but this is the 12th!
77
00:03:26,072 --> 00:03:27,973
Yeah. Well, I work
on the 12th.
78
00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:30,142
Well I ovulate on the 12th!
79
00:03:32,245 --> 00:03:34,513
How was I supposed
to know that?
80
00:03:34,581 --> 00:03:35,481
We all knew it.
81
00:03:35,548 --> 00:03:37,216
It's in the
newsletter.
82
00:03:37,283 --> 00:03:39,818
Sam, just finish up
whatever you're doing,
83
00:03:39,886 --> 00:03:41,153
and let's
get pregnant.
84
00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:43,155
Boy, that's what I like
about Rebecca.
85
00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:45,557
She's just an old-fashioned
girl, isn't she?
Mmm.
86
00:03:45,625 --> 00:03:47,526
You cannot order me
to perform!
87
00:03:47,594 --> 00:03:49,895
I don't want to have sex
with you, okay? No sex.
88
00:03:49,963 --> 00:03:51,864
Who said that?
89
00:03:51,931 --> 00:03:53,565
I don't believe this.
90
00:03:53,633 --> 00:03:55,534
If we don't do it now we have
to wait a whole month!
91
00:03:55,602 --> 00:03:57,069
I'm not in the mood,
all right?
92
00:03:57,137 --> 00:03:58,971
Who's saying
these things?
93
00:03:59,039 --> 00:04:01,006
Sam, what is wrong
with you?
94
00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:02,041
I don't know.
95
00:04:02,108 --> 00:04:03,509
Boy, you two sure argue a lot
96
00:04:03,576 --> 00:04:04,777
for two people who
aren't in love
97
00:04:04,844 --> 00:04:06,445
but want to have
a baby.
98
00:04:06,513 --> 00:04:08,213
I mean, I don't know, maybe
that's normal for two people
99
00:04:08,281 --> 00:04:09,882
who aren't in love
but want to have a baby.
100
00:04:11,317 --> 00:04:12,584
I wouldn't know.
I've never known anyone
101
00:04:12,652 --> 00:04:14,253
who wasn't in love
but wanted to have a baby.
102
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:15,587
Woody, shut up!
103
00:04:15,655 --> 00:04:18,590
Hey, don't get me caught
in your sick web.
104
00:04:20,660 --> 00:04:23,595
Come here, come here, hey,
just-just relax.
105
00:04:23,663 --> 00:04:25,064
Remember
what the doctor said?
106
00:04:25,131 --> 00:04:27,232
You know, how stress can
keep you from conceiving.
107
00:04:27,300 --> 00:04:29,568
Well, all-all we do
nowadays is fight.
108
00:04:29,636 --> 00:04:30,469
Oh, shut up!
No, you shut up!
109
00:04:30,537 --> 00:04:31,603
No, you shut up!
You shut up!
110
00:04:31,671 --> 00:04:33,605
Shut me up!
(shouting):
Shut up!
111
00:04:36,509 --> 00:04:37,543
This is what
I'm talking about.
112
00:04:37,610 --> 00:04:38,711
This is stress.
113
00:04:38,778 --> 00:04:40,279
Oh, yeah?
Well, you've got ten minutes
114
00:04:40,347 --> 00:04:42,281
to get yourself together and
get your bad attitude in order
115
00:04:42,349 --> 00:04:43,749
and get over to my place
116
00:04:43,817 --> 00:04:46,285
and we're gonna make a cute
little baby!
117
00:04:46,353 --> 00:04:48,253
I hate her.
118
00:04:49,823 --> 00:04:51,757
Now, at 2:00,
we have a choice
119
00:04:51,825 --> 00:04:53,759
between a sumptuous
high tea
120
00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:56,028
and a relaxing
Swedish massage.
121
00:04:56,096 --> 00:04:57,329
Ah, 2:00.
122
00:04:57,397 --> 00:04:58,931
Right about then I'll be jumping
into my mail truck,
123
00:04:58,998 --> 00:05:00,099
ripping off my shoes
124
00:05:00,166 --> 00:05:01,767
and trying to save my toes
from frostbite.
125
00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:03,769
Hey, nobody held a
gun to your head
126
00:05:03,837 --> 00:05:06,338
and said, "Be
a mailman."
127
00:05:06,406 --> 00:05:08,474
Frasier, we have a problem.
128
00:05:08,541 --> 00:05:09,842
I've just gotten off
129
00:05:09,909 --> 00:05:11,377
the phone
with Frederick's teacher,
130
00:05:11,444 --> 00:05:13,379
who informs me
that your son has come down
131
00:05:13,446 --> 00:05:14,780
with a case of chicken pox.
132
00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:17,116
No! I'm not giving up
my nonrefundable
133
00:05:17,183 --> 00:05:18,751
getaway weekend!
134
00:05:18,818 --> 00:05:20,419
Frasier, your
child is ill.
135
00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:22,421
(sighing)
136
00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:24,556
Oh, you're right,
of course you're right.
137
00:05:24,624 --> 00:05:25,991
I'm-I'm ashamed.
138
00:05:26,059 --> 00:05:26,992
And deservedly so.
139
00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:28,961
Shall we?
140
00:05:29,029 --> 00:05:30,963
I'm on my way.
141
00:05:31,031 --> 00:05:32,965
Well, friends,
I've discovered a new way
142
00:05:33,033 --> 00:05:34,967
of getting over the winter
blues.
143
00:05:35,035 --> 00:05:37,302
Instead of enjoying
a luxury weekend
144
00:05:37,370 --> 00:05:39,338
being coddled
in a four-star hotel,
145
00:05:39,406 --> 00:05:40,539
I'll be bathing
an itchy,
146
00:05:40,607 --> 00:05:43,575
whiney two-year old
in oatmeal.
147
00:05:43,643 --> 00:05:44,877
Say, Fras, uh,
you know,
148
00:05:44,944 --> 00:05:46,745
if you have trouble getting
rid of that reservation,
149
00:05:46,813 --> 00:05:49,348
I sure know a couple who've
been under a lot of stress
150
00:05:49,416 --> 00:05:50,616
and fighting a
lot lately,
151
00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,351
and, you know, they could
benefit from a,
152
00:05:52,419 --> 00:05:54,186
a nice weekend
in a hotel.
153
00:05:54,254 --> 00:05:56,321
Thanks for thinking
of us, Sammy.
Yeah.
154
00:05:57,557 --> 00:05:59,124
Listen, uh, I just
got to run home
155
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:00,325
and get my travel
iron real quick.
156
00:06:00,393 --> 00:06:01,593
I'm not talking about you guys.
157
00:06:01,661 --> 00:06:02,594
I'm talking about me
and Rebecca.
158
00:06:02,662 --> 00:06:03,629
Yeah, stupid.
159
00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:04,863
You should have
thought of that.
160
00:06:04,931 --> 00:06:06,632
You made the same
mistake, pal.
161
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:08,667
Boy, we-we
162
00:06:08,735 --> 00:06:10,602
really could have used
that weekend.
163
00:06:12,005 --> 00:06:13,605
Come on,
what do you say, huh?
164
00:06:13,673 --> 00:06:15,274
Please?
165
00:06:15,342 --> 00:06:16,475
Oh, all right.
166
00:06:16,543 --> 00:06:18,510
Here, take the room.
167
00:06:18,578 --> 00:06:19,945
Conceive your child.
168
00:06:20,013 --> 00:06:21,447
Go make.
169
00:06:21,514 --> 00:06:24,616
Well, yeah, doesn't
it at least make
you feel better
170
00:06:24,684 --> 00:06:26,318
knowing somebody's
having fun?
171
00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:27,686
No.
172
00:06:29,089 --> 00:06:31,190
I know it sounds petty,
but frankly I,
173
00:06:31,257 --> 00:06:33,692
I can't think of anything
that would make me feel worse.
174
00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:36,362
Uh, Frasier, dear,
175
00:06:36,429 --> 00:06:38,030
I can't remember.
176
00:06:38,098 --> 00:06:39,865
Have you ever had
the chicken pox?
177
00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:41,166
FRASIER:
Oh!
178
00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:43,502
I can always think of something
179
00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:45,504
that would make him feel worse.
180
00:06:52,912 --> 00:06:54,480
Hey, everybody.
181
00:06:55,815 --> 00:06:57,649
Woody, uh, set me up
with a beer, will you?
182
00:06:57,717 --> 00:06:59,852
Well, aren't you gonna finish
your mail route, Mr. Clavin?
183
00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:01,186
Are you kidding?
184
00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:02,921
There's too much snow
and sleet out there.
185
00:07:05,792 --> 00:07:07,993
Besides it's getting
a little dark.
186
00:07:09,396 --> 00:07:10,829
I don't blame you,
Cliff,
187
00:07:10,897 --> 00:07:12,231
I hate going out
in this weather.
188
00:07:12,298 --> 00:07:14,566
Hmm. Yeah, you guys are a bunch
of whining,
189
00:07:14,634 --> 00:07:16,235
complaining weenies.
190
00:07:16,302 --> 00:07:18,504
What, you like
this weather?
191
00:07:18,571 --> 00:07:20,506
Oh, is that the topic?
192
00:07:21,808 --> 00:07:23,642
Well, are we gonna let this
weather defeat us?
193
00:07:23,710 --> 00:07:25,244
Or are we gonna fight back?
194
00:07:25,311 --> 00:07:26,345
Hey, I'm with you, Doc.
195
00:07:26,413 --> 00:07:27,780
So what shall we do?
196
00:07:27,847 --> 00:07:29,148
Hey, you guys
ever hear
197
00:07:29,215 --> 00:07:30,916
of something called
the Polar Bear Club?
198
00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:32,084
Uh...
199
00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:33,452
PAUL:
Well, it's great.
200
00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:35,154
We used to do it all the time
where I grew up.
201
00:07:35,221 --> 00:07:36,588
Bunch of guys get in their cars.
202
00:07:36,656 --> 00:07:37,823
They drive down to the ocean.
203
00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:38,957
They strip down
to their skivvies
204
00:07:39,025 --> 00:07:40,259
and they run right
into the water.
205
00:07:40,326 --> 00:07:44,196
Uh, I was thinking more
of a, uh, belching contest.
206
00:07:45,832 --> 00:07:47,666
Oh, I don't know, uh,
loudest or longest?
207
00:07:47,734 --> 00:07:49,568
PAUL:
Fine. Fine,
208
00:07:49,636 --> 00:07:51,003
but you guys don't know
what you're missing.
209
00:07:51,071 --> 00:07:53,205
Now, when we were kids
we didn't care if it was January
210
00:07:53,273 --> 00:07:55,274
or February, we just jumped
in that ocean and swam.
211
00:07:55,342 --> 00:07:56,642
It felt great.
212
00:07:56,710 --> 00:07:58,610
It was like we scored one
against winter.
213
00:07:58,678 --> 00:08:00,612
Hey, if it's good enough
for Mr. Krapence.
214
00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:02,214
Well, are we up to it, men?
215
00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:03,916
All right.
Well, uh, well,
it's one of the earthly thrills
216
00:08:03,983 --> 00:08:05,884
I haven't tried yet.
Let's do it!
217
00:08:05,952 --> 00:08:08,954
GUYS (chanting):
Polar Bear! Polar Bear!
218
00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:11,357
Polar Bear! Polar Bear!
219
00:08:11,424 --> 00:08:13,959
Polar Bear! Polar Bear!
220
00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:15,294
Polar Bear...
221
00:08:15,362 --> 00:08:17,463
So, Paul, where were you
brought up?
222
00:08:17,530 --> 00:08:19,298
Honolulu.
223
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:31,477
Whoa!
224
00:08:31,544 --> 00:08:34,246
Three bucks
for a lousy pack of gum.
225
00:08:34,314 --> 00:08:36,915
REBECCA:
Sam, get away from
the honor bar.
226
00:08:36,983 --> 00:08:38,250
Honor bar.
227
00:08:38,318 --> 00:08:40,252
Oh.
228
00:08:47,727 --> 00:08:49,695
Hey, sweetheart,
what do you think?
229
00:08:50,764 --> 00:08:53,966
If it's a boy, we name it Sam?
230
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:56,001
Oh, I don't know.
231
00:08:56,069 --> 00:08:57,536
You know, I
always thought
232
00:08:57,604 --> 00:08:59,171
that naming your child
after yourself was like
233
00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:02,007
saying you want him to grow
up to be just like you,
234
00:09:02,075 --> 00:09:03,676
to like the things
you like,
235
00:09:03,743 --> 00:09:05,544
to act the way
you do.
236
00:09:05,612 --> 00:09:07,513
Okay, Sam it is.
237
00:09:10,016 --> 00:09:11,950
Yeah.
238
00:09:12,018 --> 00:09:13,952
Sam.
239
00:09:15,355 --> 00:09:17,122
You know something,
Dad?
240
00:09:17,190 --> 00:09:19,291
I really like my name.
241
00:09:19,359 --> 00:09:21,527
Thanks, Sam.
242
00:09:21,594 --> 00:09:23,195
Beautiful evening, isn't it?
243
00:09:23,263 --> 00:09:24,963
Oh, sure is, Dad.
244
00:09:25,031 --> 00:09:27,132
Say, how's that paper route
coming?
245
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:28,634
Just fine, Dad.
246
00:09:28,702 --> 00:09:30,302
Before long,
I'll have enough saved up
247
00:09:30,370 --> 00:09:31,570
to buy that
baseball glove.
248
00:09:31,638 --> 00:09:32,871
Ah!
249
00:09:32,939 --> 00:09:34,006
Tell me again what it was like
250
00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:35,507
when you were
in the major leagues, Dad.
251
00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:38,577
Oh, come on, you must be getting
tired of hearing that.
252
00:09:38,645 --> 00:09:40,012
How could I ever
get tired
253
00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:42,014
of hearing
about you, Dad?
254
00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:44,750
(knock at door)
255
00:09:46,553 --> 00:09:48,487
I'm coming.
256
00:09:48,555 --> 00:09:49,655
Whoa.
257
00:09:49,723 --> 00:09:51,557
Hope it's not
the honor bar police.
258
00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:54,259
Oh!
259
00:09:54,327 --> 00:09:55,728
I'm sorry. Wrong room.
260
00:09:55,795 --> 00:09:57,529
I went out to get some
stuff for the kids,
261
00:09:57,597 --> 00:09:59,098
and I guess I got lost.
I'm sorry about that.
262
00:09:59,165 --> 00:10:01,000
Oh, yeah, excuse me,
if you don't mind me asking,
263
00:10:01,067 --> 00:10:02,868
uh, how many kids
you got?
264
00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,570
Three boys.
Wow.
265
00:10:04,637 --> 00:10:05,738
Oh, that's great.
Yeah.
266
00:10:05,805 --> 00:10:06,739
How long have you
been married?
267
00:10:06,806 --> 00:10:08,073
20 years.
268
00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:09,174
Wow.
269
00:10:09,242 --> 00:10:10,876
Hey, listen, uh,
270
00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:12,878
you don't have any advice
for a guy
271
00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:14,913
who's about to start
his family, do you?
272
00:10:14,981 --> 00:10:17,516
Well, you know,
it's,
273
00:10:17,584 --> 00:10:19,518
like it's no big secret
what you need
274
00:10:19,586 --> 00:10:20,786
to start a happy
family.
275
00:10:20,854 --> 00:10:22,354
Love!
276
00:10:22,422 --> 00:10:24,356
You know, if a man
and woman really
277
00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:27,026
love each other, they pass
that love onto the kids,
278
00:10:27,093 --> 00:10:29,294
and they'll grow up
strong and healthy.
279
00:10:29,362 --> 00:10:31,530
Yeah, well, I mean,
I know love's okay
280
00:10:31,598 --> 00:10:33,866
and everything,
but, uh, you know,
281
00:10:33,933 --> 00:10:36,068
what about, uh,
those other important things
282
00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:38,237
like friendship
and a sense of humor?
283
00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:40,105
A sense of humor?
284
00:10:40,173 --> 00:10:41,473
Yeah.
285
00:10:41,541 --> 00:10:42,908
What's that gonna
get you?
286
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:45,310
I mean, look at
Martin and Lewis.
287
00:10:45,378 --> 00:10:46,645
They had a sense
of humor.
288
00:10:46,713 --> 00:10:47,780
But were they happy?
289
00:10:47,847 --> 00:10:50,049
No, they weren't.
290
00:10:50,116 --> 00:10:52,785
No, because it
takes love.
291
00:10:52,852 --> 00:10:54,319
You've got a lot
of that, huh?
292
00:10:54,387 --> 00:10:56,221
Me? No, I can't
stand my missus.
293
00:10:56,289 --> 00:10:58,557
It's been 20 years of
living hell for me.
294
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,461
BOY:
Hey look, it's Dad.
295
00:11:02,529 --> 00:11:03,829
What's the matter?
296
00:11:03,897 --> 00:11:05,898
Can't you even find your way
back to the room,
297
00:11:05,965 --> 00:11:07,166
you stupid idiot.
298
00:11:07,233 --> 00:11:09,201
Those are the kids.
299
00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:12,271
BOY 2:
Come on, Dad,
move your fat ass,
300
00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:15,007
and give me 50 bucks
for the arcade.
301
00:11:15,075 --> 00:11:18,143
On my good days, I,
uh, pray for death.
302
00:11:18,211 --> 00:11:19,311
(chuckles)
303
00:11:19,379 --> 00:11:20,479
Good luck to
you, son.
304
00:11:20,547 --> 00:11:22,247
You're gonna need it.
305
00:11:28,588 --> 00:11:30,189
Eh.
306
00:11:30,256 --> 00:11:31,523
I bet that wouldn't have
happened
307
00:11:31,591 --> 00:11:33,525
if he'd named one
of his kids Sam.
308
00:11:35,261 --> 00:11:37,196
Yeah, Sam.
309
00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:40,466
So how's that paper
route coming?
310
00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:42,468
Oh, I've been
saving up.
311
00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:44,737
Why don't we pull over
here to this market,
312
00:11:44,804 --> 00:11:46,739
and I'll run in
and buy us a soda.
313
00:11:46,806 --> 00:11:47,906
My treat.
314
00:11:47,974 --> 00:11:50,009
Great idea, son.
315
00:11:50,076 --> 00:11:51,210
I'll be right back.
316
00:11:51,277 --> 00:11:54,179
Okeydokey.
317
00:11:54,247 --> 00:11:55,347
(door shuts)
318
00:11:55,415 --> 00:11:59,418
(laughs)
He's got that Malone swagger.
319
00:11:59,486 --> 00:12:03,322
(indistinct shouting)
320
00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:04,323
Floor it, Dad!
321
00:12:04,391 --> 00:12:05,324
Why, what happened?
322
00:12:05,392 --> 00:12:06,625
I robbed the store!
323
00:12:06,693 --> 00:12:07,893
(alarm ringing)
But why?
324
00:12:07,961 --> 00:12:09,128
I had to do something
to make up
325
00:12:09,195 --> 00:12:10,496
for the lack of love
between you and Mom.
326
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:13,699
Now move your fat ass,
you stupid idiot!
(siren wailing)
327
00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:15,668
Why'd you two
even have a kid anyway?
328
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,870
Well, we sort of thought
it'd be fun.
329
00:12:17,937 --> 00:12:19,071
Fun?
330
00:12:19,139 --> 00:12:20,005
I'll show you fun.
331
00:12:21,041 --> 00:12:22,908
(gunshots)
Oh, no, no!
332
00:12:22,976 --> 00:12:24,243
(tires screeching)
I got one!
333
00:12:24,310 --> 00:12:25,978
Boy, did you see
that guy's head explode?
334
00:12:26,046 --> 00:12:28,414
Whoa, these hollow point bullets
are great!
335
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:30,783
Hey, everybody!
336
00:12:30,850 --> 00:12:32,785
I'm little Sammy Malone!
337
00:12:32,852 --> 00:12:35,087
And my dad
was a Major League pitcher!
338
00:12:35,155 --> 00:12:38,157
And he didn't love
my mother!
339
00:12:38,224 --> 00:12:41,794
(laughing maniacally)
340
00:12:41,861 --> 00:12:43,929
Oh!
341
00:12:47,334 --> 00:12:50,369
(device whirring)
342
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:57,409
Okay, Sam, I give in.
343
00:12:57,477 --> 00:13:00,713
If it's a boy,
we can name him Sam.
344
00:13:02,682 --> 00:13:04,283
Sam?
345
00:13:09,189 --> 00:13:12,057
Sam? Sam?
346
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:13,659
Oh, oh!
347
00:13:13,727 --> 00:13:15,961
(tapping door)
Oh!
348
00:13:23,003 --> 00:13:23,969
(door opening)
349
00:13:24,070 --> 00:13:25,838
Here we go, darling.
350
00:13:29,242 --> 00:13:30,609
I'm sorry.
351
00:13:30,677 --> 00:13:32,044
I hope I didn't
ruin the moment.
352
00:13:34,014 --> 00:13:35,748
Just, I was standing
out in the hall naked.
353
00:13:35,849 --> 00:13:36,815
The door slammed
shut, and I didn't
354
00:13:36,883 --> 00:13:38,050
have any place
else to go.
355
00:13:38,118 --> 00:13:39,752
Anyway, if you... if you
could just loan me a robe,
356
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:41,353
I... I can wait back
out in the hall.
357
00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:43,422
No, no, there's a robe you
can use in the bathroom.
358
00:13:43,523 --> 00:13:45,157
Larry will go look for...
359
00:13:45,225 --> 00:13:46,325
what's his name--
Sam?
Sam.
360
00:13:46,393 --> 00:13:47,659
Sam-- oh, you
can't miss him.
361
00:13:47,727 --> 00:13:51,330
He's a big galoot
with a lantern jaw.
362
00:13:51,398 --> 00:13:53,666
Have you ever been naked
in a hotel hallway?
363
00:13:53,733 --> 00:13:56,068
The sailors just come
out of the woodwork.
364
00:13:59,239 --> 00:14:01,340
Don't worry, miss, I'll
find him and come right back.
365
00:14:01,408 --> 00:14:03,308
REBECCA:
See, I was in the
bathroom taking a bath,
366
00:14:03,376 --> 00:14:04,777
and I-I was
talking to Sam,
367
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,378
but he wasn't really
even listening to me.
368
00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:07,780
I mean, I-I
guess he decided
369
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:10,149
to go down to the store and
get some gum or something.
370
00:14:10,216 --> 00:14:12,017
I don't know, and it
was... it was like he...
371
00:14:12,085 --> 00:14:15,721
he didn't even know
that I was... alive.
372
00:14:21,127 --> 00:14:23,128
Boy, you sure
look beautiful.
373
00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:24,329
(gasps)
374
00:14:24,397 --> 00:14:27,399
Oh! Look at
all these flowers.
375
00:14:27,467 --> 00:14:30,669
Oh, my... boy, you must
have a huge family.
376
00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:33,038
No, those are
all from my guy.
377
00:14:33,106 --> 00:14:34,540
Isn't he sweet?
378
00:14:34,607 --> 00:14:36,508
Wow.
379
00:14:36,576 --> 00:14:37,710
Well, mine's down
right now,
380
00:14:37,777 --> 00:14:39,144
getting me some, uh,
381
00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:42,414
gum... I think.
382
00:14:42,482 --> 00:14:44,416
How long have you and Sam
been married?
383
00:14:44,484 --> 00:14:46,385
Oh, actually, we
weren't even plan...
384
00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:48,187
Six months.
385
00:14:48,254 --> 00:14:50,089
(phone rings)
Excuse me.
386
00:14:50,156 --> 00:14:51,256
Hello?
387
00:14:51,324 --> 00:14:52,758
Oh, hi, honey.
388
00:14:52,826 --> 00:14:53,892
It's my husband.
389
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,028
He's already down in the lobby?
390
00:14:56,096 --> 00:14:57,796
No, he's calling me
from the elevator phone
391
00:14:57,864 --> 00:14:59,231
just to tell me he loves me.
392
00:15:00,834 --> 00:15:02,134
It's supposed to be
just for emergencies.
393
00:15:02,202 --> 00:15:05,204
Oh, you are so sweet.
394
00:15:05,271 --> 00:15:09,475
Oh, you're the
perfect couple, aren't you?
395
00:15:09,542 --> 00:15:11,910
Oh, I bet you
had a beautiful wedding.
396
00:15:11,978 --> 00:15:13,145
Oh, well,
all weddings are nice.
397
00:15:13,213 --> 00:15:14,279
Wasn't yours?
398
00:15:14,347 --> 00:15:15,881
Oh, yeah.
399
00:15:15,949 --> 00:15:18,150
We had, you know,
lots of flowe...
400
00:15:18,218 --> 00:15:20,085
and we had... a lot
of people came in...
401
00:15:20,153 --> 00:15:21,920
(voice breaking):
a lot of people
from out of town.
402
00:15:24,958 --> 00:15:26,158
If you'll excuse
me a minute,
403
00:15:26,226 --> 00:15:28,127
I'm just gonna wait
outside in the hall.
404
00:15:30,830 --> 00:15:32,031
Oh, hi.
405
00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:33,198
Um, there's a
bellboy waiting
406
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:34,500
outside your room
with a passkey.
407
00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:35,567
Okay.
408
00:15:35,669 --> 00:15:37,436
Sorry I couldn't
find your husband.
409
00:15:37,504 --> 00:15:39,938
But look what
I did find!
410
00:15:40,006 --> 00:15:42,641
Oh, a bunny!
411
00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:51,583
You have the sweetest lips in
the whole wide world, honey!
412
00:15:57,457 --> 00:16:00,526
Mmm, you've got the
sweetest lips in the
whole wide world, honey.
413
00:16:00,593 --> 00:16:02,361
(door opening)
414
00:16:02,429 --> 00:16:04,630
Knock-knock! The little
woman is home.
415
00:16:04,698 --> 00:16:05,864
Hey!
416
00:16:05,932 --> 00:16:07,800
What are you
barging in here for?
417
00:16:07,867 --> 00:16:10,269
You forgot to hang
the sock on the door.
418
00:16:10,337 --> 00:16:12,571
That's because I didn't
want to take it off.
419
00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:14,473
It was cold.
They turned the heat off.
420
00:16:14,541 --> 00:16:15,874
Oh, yeah, they turned
the heat off
421
00:16:15,942 --> 00:16:17,576
'cause you forgot
to pay the bill, pal!
422
00:16:17,677 --> 00:16:20,145
What was I supposed
to pay it with-- love?
423
00:16:20,213 --> 00:16:21,780
Oh shut up.
No, you shut!
424
00:16:21,848 --> 00:16:22,948
You shut!
Shut...
425
00:16:23,016 --> 00:16:24,983
Shut... up!
Shut...!
426
00:16:28,621 --> 00:16:29,955
Come on, Sam,
get her out of here.
427
00:16:30,023 --> 00:16:31,090
I'm ovulating.
428
00:16:31,191 --> 00:16:34,226
Oh, that's great.
429
00:16:34,294 --> 00:16:37,429
You couldn't tell me
15 minutes ago?
430
00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:39,231
Come on, scooch, honey.
431
00:16:39,299 --> 00:16:42,534
I've got my chores to do.
432
00:16:42,602 --> 00:16:45,237
Yeah, go on, go on, go
on, go on, go on.
433
00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:47,272
Oh, Sam, come on, hurry up,
let's make a baby!
434
00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:49,041
Let's go in the other
room and do it!
435
00:16:49,109 --> 00:16:51,176
This is the other room.
436
00:16:52,746 --> 00:16:55,347
Oh God! Why are we so
poor and miserable?
437
00:16:55,415 --> 00:16:57,082
Well, honey, we may be poor
and miserable,
438
00:16:57,150 --> 00:16:59,218
but at least we can live
on love!
439
00:16:59,285 --> 00:17:01,620
You shut up!
440
00:17:01,721 --> 00:17:02,721
Oh, you shut up!
No, you shut up!
441
00:17:02,856 --> 00:17:03,989
Shut me up!
442
00:17:04,057 --> 00:17:05,691
Shut up!
Shut up!
443
00:17:07,594 --> 00:17:09,061
Don't you use
that word "love."
444
00:17:09,129 --> 00:17:10,896
Love has nothing to do
with this relationship!
445
00:17:10,964 --> 00:17:12,664
I will use any word I want
in this house!
446
00:17:12,732 --> 00:17:13,766
Love!
447
00:17:13,833 --> 00:17:14,800
Love, love,
love, love,
448
00:17:14,868 --> 00:17:15,901
love, love, love!
449
00:17:15,969 --> 00:17:17,936
You foul-mouthed barren tramp!
450
00:17:18,004 --> 00:17:19,238
Half man! Half man!
451
00:17:19,406 --> 00:17:21,674
(Sam grunting)
452
00:17:25,011 --> 00:17:27,279
Enough foreplay for you?
453
00:17:27,347 --> 00:17:29,815
Yeah. Turn off the light.
454
00:17:29,916 --> 00:17:32,951
I've got a poker game on
that table in five minutes.
455
00:17:33,019 --> 00:17:34,386
You'd better make it quick.
456
00:17:34,454 --> 00:17:36,522
Oh, yeah, that's
gonna be tough with you.
457
00:17:36,589 --> 00:17:38,590
Hey, shut up!
You shut up!
458
00:17:38,658 --> 00:17:39,758
You shut up!
459
00:17:39,826 --> 00:17:40,826
Shut!
Shut!
460
00:17:40,894 --> 00:17:42,461
BOTH:
Shut up!
461
00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:48,934
Could you leave now?
462
00:17:49,002 --> 00:17:50,436
Oh, sure.
463
00:17:58,945 --> 00:18:00,779
Hey.
464
00:18:00,847 --> 00:18:03,382
Why aren't you home
watching your scabby kid?
465
00:18:05,819 --> 00:18:08,554
My mother's come into town
to help take care of him.
466
00:18:08,621 --> 00:18:11,056
So I thought I'd steal a few
moments and come here
467
00:18:11,124 --> 00:18:12,324
and relax with my husband.
468
00:18:12,392 --> 00:18:13,359
He's not here.
469
00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:15,294
Better yet.
470
00:18:16,796 --> 00:18:18,964
Where is my husband,
anyway?
471
00:18:19,032 --> 00:18:20,532
Oh, uh, some of the guys
472
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,835
went to do something,
and he went along.
473
00:18:22,902 --> 00:18:27,172
I suppose if they all
went to jump off a cliff
he'd do that, too.
474
00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:29,708
I, didn't think of that, but
it probably would have worked.
475
00:18:31,144 --> 00:18:32,945
(chanting):
Polar Bear!
476
00:18:33,013 --> 00:18:34,580
Polar Bear! Polar Bear!
477
00:18:35,882 --> 00:18:37,349
Hey, so you guys went
for your little swim?
478
00:18:37,417 --> 00:18:39,018
Yeah, well, we drove
down there, you know,
479
00:18:39,085 --> 00:18:40,853
we jumped into our
bathing suits, uh...
480
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:42,154
raced each other
along the beach
481
00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:43,355
our feet hit the water...
482
00:18:43,423 --> 00:18:44,990
And you chickened out, right?
483
00:18:45,058 --> 00:18:46,558
Yeah, well, we prefer
to think of it
484
00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:48,660
as coming to our
senses just in time
to save our goodies.
485
00:18:51,197 --> 00:18:53,465
So none of you guys had the guts
to go through with it, huh?
486
00:18:53,533 --> 00:18:55,300
Well, uh, one of us did.
487
00:18:59,606 --> 00:19:01,540
Just a few more
steps, Dr. Crane.
488
00:19:03,176 --> 00:19:04,910
Darling, are you all right?
489
00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:06,145
(whimpers)
490
00:19:06,212 --> 00:19:08,047
What did he say?
491
00:19:08,114 --> 00:19:09,948
Sounded like "oil can."
492
00:19:12,152 --> 00:19:14,853
Here, this should
help warm you up.
493
00:19:17,624 --> 00:19:20,125
It must have been
a terrifying experience.
494
00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:21,326
Oh!
495
00:19:21,394 --> 00:19:24,530
It was positively surreal.
496
00:19:24,597 --> 00:19:27,933
First, the cold water hitting
me like an electric shock...
497
00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:30,336
dragging me down like
a palpable force.
498
00:19:30,403 --> 00:19:33,872
And then when I was crawling
back onto the beach,
499
00:19:33,940 --> 00:19:36,342
it kept at me, as though,
for all the world,
500
00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:40,913
someone was actually pushing me
back into the frozen water.
501
00:19:40,980 --> 00:19:43,515
Told you
it wasn't funny.
502
00:19:58,965 --> 00:20:01,600
Where have you been, Sam?
503
00:20:01,668 --> 00:20:03,369
Just, uh,
went for a walk,
504
00:20:03,436 --> 00:20:05,671
you know, to get some
fresh air and everything.
505
00:20:05,739 --> 00:20:08,741
So... ready
to make the baby?
506
00:20:08,808 --> 00:20:11,377
Sure I am, if you are.
507
00:20:11,444 --> 00:20:12,845
Oh, you are?
508
00:20:12,912 --> 00:20:14,980
Uh, well, yeah.
All right, good.
509
00:20:15,048 --> 00:20:16,682
Let's... let's,
get to it here.
510
00:20:16,750 --> 00:20:17,816
Okay.
511
00:20:21,821 --> 00:20:26,558
Okay, let's, let's, uh,
let's make that baby.
512
00:20:26,626 --> 00:20:29,862
There's something wrong
isn't there, Sam?
513
00:20:32,032 --> 00:20:34,700
Uh, yeah, there's something
I want to say and I-I...
514
00:20:34,768 --> 00:20:36,969
I've been walking around
trying to figure out
515
00:20:37,037 --> 00:20:39,238
how to say it and I, I guess
the only thing to do
516
00:20:39,305 --> 00:20:40,773
is just, say it.
517
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:42,975
Sam, I don't love you.
I'm not gonna have your baby.
518
00:20:43,043 --> 00:20:44,309
It would be
a big, stupid mistake.
519
00:20:44,377 --> 00:20:45,477
What?
520
00:20:45,545 --> 00:20:48,280
What were you gonna say?
521
00:20:48,348 --> 00:20:52,351
Well, the same thing,
but a much nicer way.
522
00:20:53,787 --> 00:20:55,087
You were?
523
00:20:55,155 --> 00:20:56,655
Yeah.
524
00:20:56,723 --> 00:20:59,258
I mean, you know, if we
don't love each other,
525
00:20:59,325 --> 00:21:00,659
how can we raise a kid?
526
00:21:00,727 --> 00:21:01,794
That's right!
527
00:21:01,861 --> 00:21:03,796
Because it wouldn't be
fair to the kid.
528
00:21:03,863 --> 00:21:05,831
I agree.
I mean, I mean, all
we've talked about
529
00:21:05,899 --> 00:21:07,833
is how much we want
a baby. We, we, we.
530
00:21:07,901 --> 00:21:09,168
We never even
thought about...
531
00:21:09,235 --> 00:21:11,337
about how it would be
for a baby to have us.
I agree.
532
00:21:11,404 --> 00:21:13,772
I mean, I think we got
to call the whole thing off.
Oh, I agree!
533
00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:15,074
I can't believe this!
534
00:21:15,141 --> 00:21:16,642
This is the first thing
we've agreed about
535
00:21:16,710 --> 00:21:18,143
since the whole baby
thing came up.
536
00:21:18,211 --> 00:21:19,878
I agree!
537
00:21:19,946 --> 00:21:21,947
Oh, Sam I love you!
Oh, I love you, too!
538
00:21:22,015 --> 00:21:23,182
I mean, I don't
"love you," love you.
539
00:21:23,249 --> 00:21:25,150
No, I don't "love you,"
love you, either.
540
00:21:25,218 --> 00:21:27,953
And Sam, we can still have kids,
just not with each other.
541
00:21:28,021 --> 00:21:29,288
Yeah.
542
00:21:36,162 --> 00:21:37,529
Mm.
Mm-mm. I'm sorry.
543
00:21:37,597 --> 00:21:39,164
Old habit.
544
00:21:39,232 --> 00:21:41,667
That's right,
we're just friends.
545
00:21:41,735 --> 00:21:44,203
Yeah. Actually friends
don't open their mouths.
546
00:21:44,270 --> 00:21:46,638
Oh. Old habit.
547
00:21:50,076 --> 00:21:51,310
(sighs)
548
00:21:54,147 --> 00:21:56,548
See you at work
tomorrow.
549
00:21:56,616 --> 00:21:57,883
Yeah.
550
00:21:57,951 --> 00:21:59,752
Bye-bye.
551
00:22:16,870 --> 00:22:18,971
Sam, what's happening?
552
00:22:19,039 --> 00:22:20,572
See you in a couple years, Dad.
553
00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:21,807
Sam?
554
00:22:21,875 --> 00:22:24,643
Where are you going?
555
00:22:24,711 --> 00:22:27,546
Sam?
556
00:22:43,163 --> 00:22:44,797
You rotten kid!
557
00:22:44,864 --> 00:22:46,498
Now listen, bring
back my wallet!
558
00:22:46,566 --> 00:22:48,233
KID:
You're beginning
to waddle!
38835
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