All language subtitles for Cheers.S10E11.DVDRiP.XViD-MACRO

Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Lilith, do we have to do this?

Frasier, making out a will
is a sensible precaution,

and one you've been
avoiding for months.

We're seeing the lawyer
this afternoon,

and we have to get
these questions answered.

Look, darling,

I find this entire will
discussion troubling.

It's not easy to talk
about one's mortality.

Oh, just the
thought of...

of being apart from you
and-and little Frederick--

it's... well,
it's-it's just hard.

So, who gets the wok?

The wok?!

My God, woman, we're
talking about death here!

My death, your death,

the end of everything!

Being lowered into the grave
in a silk-lined casket!

Yes. And?

And it's upsetting

to mammals like me!

Look, Lilith,

all my life, I've had a
problem talking about death.

I know it's irrational,
but I can't help feeling

that if you talk
about it, it'll happen.

Well, Frasier,
it will happen.

Stop it.

What, do you think

if I hadn't mentioned it,
you'd live forever?

Well, now we'll
never know, will we?

(theme song begins)

# Making your way
in the world today #

# Takes everything you've got #

# Taking a break
from all your worries #

# Sure would help a lot #

# Wouldn't you like
to get away? #

# Sometimes you want to go #

# Where everybody
knows your name #

# And they're always
glad you came #

# You wanna be
where you can see #

# Our troubles
are all the same #

# You wanna be where
everybody knows your name #

# You wanna go
where people know #

# People are all the same #

# You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. #

Hi, Mr. Krapence.

PAUL:
Hiya, Woody.

Where's, uh, Norm and Cliff?

I guess they're at work.
I don't know.

You got a cute sense
of humor, Woody. I like that.

Uh, I bet you
Norm and Cliff

are doing something
really fun.

Those guys never
include me in anything.

What is it about me
that's such a turnoff?

Normally, Paul,

with a setup like
that, I'd go for blood,

but I can tell
you're a little hurt

and a little upset, so
I'm gonna go easy on you.

It's your looks.

What am I, everybody's
punching bag?

Oh, come on, lighten up,
Mr. Krapence.

Hey, you want to hear
a funny joke

that Mr. Clavin told me
the other day?

Sure. What the hell.

All right.

(laughs)
Okay.

What's round,
looks like an owl,

wears glasses
and goofy orange suspenders?

(laughs)

I don't know. What?

Nothing.

Hey, everybody.

Welcome back.

May I inquire as to exactly
where the hell you've been?

Vera?

You know, I'm sick of the
way you guys treat me.

You waltz off
God knows where,

and you leave me
here with nobody--

and I mean nobody--
to talk to.

Hey, I love you, too, Paul.

He's trying awfully hard
to fit in, huh?

A little too hard
if you ask me.

All he does is sit there
whimpering and whining,

feeling sorry
for himself saying,

"Include me. Include me.
Include me."

You know, that stuff
doesn't work.

Well, it worked
for you, Cliff.

The point is,
it's not going to work twice.

Woody, where's Sam?

Oh, he's in the office,
Miss Howe.

Hey, get your butt out here,
Mister Macho!

We've been going at it
for six months

like a couple of monkeys,
and I'm still not pregnant!

H-Honey, there-there's
an inside voice,

and then there's
an outside voice.

I think that was your
outside voice, don't you?

You know, guess who came
to visit this morning.

Mr. Charlie.
That's right, my period.

That means....

You'd think they'd have
a little more respect.

Some of us are trying
to drink our beer here.

What, uh, kind of puts you
off your beer, does it?

Well, no, not really.

It'd take a lot
more to do that.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, well, what, uh...
what-what would it take?

I don't know.

How about a plate
of meatloaf

with an abscess on it?

(laughs)
No.

Uh, and how about a, uh,
bowl full of scabs?

All right.

Well, how about a...?

Oh, my God.

That's disgusting.

Where do you come
up with that stuff?

Hey... yeah.
Yuck.

But it wasn't enough.

According to the books
that I've been reading,

I should definitely
be pregnant by now.

I think maybe we're going

to have to see a
fertility specialist.

A what?

A fertility specialist.

I asked my doctor to recommend
one, and he gave me this card.

No way. No.
No, no, no, no, no.

We-We're not seeing any doctors.

But, Sam,

it's not working.
I think that it's time

that we have
to face the possibility

that there's something wrong
with you.

You...

You know
why we're not conceiving?

You're too mean to me.

No, I'm not mean.

I'm perfectly nice.

I just think
you're shooting blanks, pal.

See, there you go again.

That's mean.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm
sorry. Maybe that is.

Maybe I've been
pushing too hard.

It's just that...

God, I want this baby so bad
that every time

I find out I'm not pregnant,
I just go crazy.

Let's not

talk about it anymore, okay?

Here, just,
take the card,

and if you want to call
the doctor, that's fine.

And if you don't, that's
fine, too. I mean it.

I'm really sorry.

The last thing in the world
I wanted to do was hurt you.

Thank you.

I can't make this call.

Your fingers don't
work, either?

CARLA:
This will get you.

How about losing your balance
in a sewage treatment plant?

All right, all right,
all right, here it is.

How about eating food

recovered from an autopsy?

(laughs)

WOODY:
All right, I got one.

How about

someone coming in from the field
who's been working all day,

while you're sitting down
at the dinner table,

and they got no shirt on,

and their chest hair's
all matted down?

(stifled laugh)

(Norm laughs)

That's kind of
unpleasant, Woody,

but it's not
really gross.

Well, that's 'cause
you never met Grandma.

Yeah!
Hey!

CLIFF:
Oh, hey!
All right!

Uh, Wood, you want to put
a head on that, please?

All right, Frasier,

let's move on
to the living will.

Imagine you've been
hideously mangled

and are being kept alive
by a respirator.

Factoring in
the enormous expense,

the uncertainty, the heartbreak,

do you really want
to be kept alive artificially,

or can I pull the plug

when the nurse ducks out
for a cigarette?

By all means,
pull the plug.

Smother me with
the pillow.

Save time, woman.

Why don't you do it
tonight while I'm asleep?!

Well, I guess

I can't talk to him
about anything.

So, where did the two musketeers
go without me today?

Well, we went
hang gliding.

Then we, uh,

had lunch with the Miss
Massachusetts finalists.

And then, we got to
drive a fire truck around

for a couple hours.

It was great.

You're kidding!
Why didn't you ask me along?

Yes, we are
kidding, Paul.

We went to McDonald's.

What?! You went to McDonald's?!

Woody, where's Sam?

"Woody, where's Norm and Cliff?"

"Woody, where's Sam?"

Now I know
how Mr. Krapence feels.

How come no one ever walks in
and asks me where I am?

Woody, where are you?

Don't ask me now.

Ask me when I'm not around.

I went to the doctor,
and I had an examination.

Well, what happened?
I don't know yet.

They're gonna call me
with the results.

I want you to know
that no matter what happens,

we're in this together.

There'll be no finger-pointing,
no blaming.

And if there is a problem,
we'll work through it.

Yeah.
Because we both
want the same thing.

Oh, more than anything.

We just want
a little baby.
Yeah.

Oh, God.
Oh.

(phone rings)

You know...
Give me a second.

Hello.

Uh-huh, this is she.

Oh. I just...
Oh, really?

You sure?

Okay. Thank you, Doctor.

(sighs)

All right!

It's not me!

It must be you!

You're the one!

Frasier, focus.

If we're going
to make a will,

we have to get
these questions worked out.

I just don't want to
talk about my death.

And-or dismemberment.

You know,

I don't see us lingering

over the question
of your death.

Well, that's because,

statistically-speaking,
I'll outlive you.

Well, I'll just bet you're
looking forward to that--

being the "Widder Crane."

Frasier, really.

You know, first,

you get me to get
this $1 million

life insurance policy.

Now you're badgering
me about the will.

Lilith, I'm practically afraid
to start my car in the morning.

Frasier, I'm a scientist.

If I wanted to kill you,
I could certainly think

of more clever ways to do it
than that.

Something subtle.

Something that couldn't
be traced back to me.

Drink your drink, darling.

You are so cute
when you fear for your life.

You know, Lilith,
all this talk

of wills and dying--

well, I've just never been so
depressed in all my life.

Frasier, everyone dies.

We have to face that.

I'm going to die, too.

Again?

Some people are just
a bunch of babies

about making out a will.

Think so?

Yeah. Oh, sure,
I think so.

I mean, as far
as I'm concerned, it's a...

it's-it's your duty
as a mature adult.

You got to prepare
for the inevitable there now.

So you took care of it, huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah, you bet.

Anything happens to me,
everything goes to Ma.

What happens if Ma goes first?

Shut up!

Shut up, Peterson!

Shut up,
the whole sick bunch of you!

Why should I have to go
to a fertility doctor?

And I don't want to go
to a fertility doctor.

Sammy.

I hate going
to doctors,

especially fertility
doctors.

Sammy, why don't
you just go?

Why should I?

The whole idea that I have
a problem is just ridiculous.

Oh, yeah?

You've been with thousands
of women over the years, right?

Yeah. Right.

Well, how many cards do you get
on Father's Day?

Well, you know...
that doesn't mean anything.

Sammy, sooner or later,
you're gonna have to face

the possibility that,
whether you like it or not,

you might just possibly
have a low sperm count.

You're fired.
Get out of here.

Go on-- right now.
You're fired.

Don't turn on me.

I'm not the one
with the problem.

I do not have a problem!

I have just as much firepower
as the next guy, I'll tell you.

You think I'm afraid to go
to that doctor, don't you?

Well, watch this.

I'm gonna go to that
stupid fertility doctor.

You know, I bet my fertility
just soars right off the map.

I'll bet I break
their stupid machine.

Oh, y-you don't think
they use a machine, do you?

Can I help you?

Do you have
an appointment?

No. No. Uh...

I was just, uh, in the building.

I thought I'd stop by
and say hi.

Hi.

(chuckles)

Actually, I-I'm here
for a cleaning.

This is a fertility clinic.

What, precisely,
would you like us to clean?

Oh, this...
this is embarrassing.

I'm sorry. I thought this
was a dentist... I-I'm s...

You know something, though,
you know, uh...

While I'm here, you know,
I have-I have this friend

who's got a problem,

and maybe you could do him
a favor,

and-and write him
a note, huh?

Saying what?

Oh, it doesn't really matter.

Just, uh, well you know, uh,
"To whom it may concern..."

uh, "Sam Malone,"
that-that's my friend, uh...

"Sam Malone has a very,
very high sperm count.

Go ahead and have plenty
of sex with him."

Maybe, you know, sign it
down here at the bottom.

If you want to, you know,
put that into, uh,

medical terms, that'd be cool.

I can't do that.

There's 30 bucks in it
for you if you do.

You're Sam Malone, aren't you?

Yeah. How'd you know?

Believe me, this
happens all the time.

The doctor has an opening.

Would you like to see him?

Yeah. All right.

Yeah. Whatever.

Listen, uh...

you really don't use
a machine, do you?

Can I help you?

Uh. no, no. I just...

wanted to stop in and say hi.

According to the tests,
the doctor says

that I am as fertile
as an Iowa cornfield.

Fully stocked ovaries,

fallopian tubes
like fire hoses.

How you doing, Norm?
Still drinking.

Hey, what have you got there,
Mr. Clavin?

Uh, cake and a pizza.

I was thinking about

how we keep leaving Paul
out of stuff.

So I thought, why not throw him
a little party.

Oh, what a sweet,
generous thing to do, Cliff.

Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, well thanks.

I remember, uh, how lonely
and left out I felt

till you guys threw me
that big party.

We never threw
you a party.

No kidding.

Anyway, Paul's
not here.

Oh, yeah, no, I know.
I, uh, I called him at home,

and I told him to get down here
as soon as he can.

He said he was just
getting out of the tub

and he was toweling
himself off.

We have a winner!

So, you got a, uh,
pizza there, huh?

Yeah. Yeah.
It's pizza.

Yeah. Paul's really
going to enjoy that.

Yeah...
When's he, uh,
supposed to be coming by?

Couple minutes.
Couple minutes.

Couple minutes.

That's, uh,
pepperoni, huh?

You betcha.

Now, did you
mention to Paul

that we had a cake
and a pizza?

No. No, no, I didn't.

So, uh, you know,
we still have the cake.

Uh, I mean, if there
wasn't any pizza,

Paul wouldn't know there wasn't
even gonna be any pizza.

Exactly.

(chuckles)

What kind of cake is it?

It's, uh... angel food.

This is bad.

This is really bad.
Why?

We should take that cake,
put it in the office

where it won't be
such a temptation.

Good idea.
Yeah.

Out of sight,
out of mind, huh?

We're going to eat the cake,
too, aren't we, Norm?

It's gone.

Here.

The will is signed
and witnessed.

I hope you're happy, woman.

I wash my hands of
the entire affair.

I want that
thing sealed up

and put into a
vault until...

Until you're sealed
and put in a vault?

I am just your ball
of yarn today, aren't I?

I've also given my
executor the right

to dispose of a few
personal effects--

a few things which
might give solace

to those who
cared about me.

Carla, what would you
like me to leave you?

How about a tip,
for a change?

Hey, Woody, Cliff called me
and told me

that he and Norm wanted
to see me. Where are they?

Oh, they're in
the office.

Say, Woody, how about you?

What can I give you?

Oh, well, uh...
you know those sweaters

like that one
with the big leaves on them?

Yes.

Anything but those.

Oh, hi, Paul. How are you?
Hey.

You guys wanted to see me?

Uh-huh.
Yeah.

Yeah, we were
just talking, uh...

We'd like to, you know,
apologize for, you know,

leaving you out of things

and, well, you know,
that kind of stuff.

Yeah. You know,
after all, you've only

been coming here, what,
you know, a few weeks?

Ten years.
I've been coming here ten years.

Whatever. Whatever.

Anyway, uh...

we just feel
like we want to--

oh, thanks, Woody--

just feel like we want
to make it up to you.

What we're going
to do, Paul,

we're going to buy
you a free beer.

Yeah! Woody, right to the brim
for Uncle Paul, huh?

There you go.

Wow. I... I can't
believe this,

you know?
Thanks, guys.

It's a really
nice thing to do.

Really made
me feel special.

Don't mention it,
Paul.
Yep.

You guys ate my cake,
didn't you?

Yes, we did, Paul.

You know,

writing this will
has forced me

to take a good,
long look at my life--

who I've been,

who I've become.

As I tally up
the ledger of my... my life,

I... I come to one
unmistakable conclusion.

I have tipped you adequately.

More, in fact,
than you have deserved.

Frasier,
I called a cab.

Go clean yourself up.

Okay.

You were never courteous.
Never once.

Sammy, what took you so long?

I decided to hang around
and wait for the lab report.

When I finally got it,
I was afraid to look at it.

I've been walking
around the Common

hoping someone would
mug me and steal it.

Yeah. Well, those things
are really hot.

I carry a sign in my car:
"Driver has no lab results."

Why don't you go ahead
and look at it?

Might be good news.

Yeah, it might
be bad news.

It might be good news.

But what if it's not?

Well, you're not going to know
unless you open it.

I can't.

You open it.

Oh, I couldn't do that.

I mean, I...I couldn't bear
to tell you if it was bad news.

But what if it's good news?

What if it's bad news?

You know, this
could turn out

to be the worst night
of my life or the best.

And the... the
only difference

is a few lousy words
on a piece of paper.

Oh, God, you know, this
is the rest of my life

we're talking about here.

I mean, I-I may have a kid
to play baseball with.

Or I may not.

I may have someone
to carry on my name,

or I may not.

Oh, geez!

Boy, it's amazing, you know,

how much power a little piece
of paper can have.

You know, maybe this
is just one of those things

that people should not know.

Sammy?
Yeah?

Give me that
trash can over there.

What are you doing?

Putting you out
of your misery.

It was just a little
too painful to watch.

Oh. Hey, thank you.

Oh!

(flames crackling)

Too bad we don't have
any marshmallows, huh?

We've got you.

(car horn honking)

Hey, Fras,
your cab's here!

Oh, there.
I've pulled myself together.

Now that I have my will,
I suppose I can

look into the face of death.

Just hope I don't wake her.

I am sorry about the passing
of your husband, Lilith.

Frasier was a good man,
and we will all miss him.

Thank you.

Well, I now have
the unhappy task

of reading your
late husband's will.

You okay, Mother?

Yes. Thank you,
Frederick.

"Sam Malone's sperm count
is well within normal range."

That damn bar.