All language subtitles for Cheers.S10E05.DVDRiP.XViD-MACRO

Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Woody, could we have
some more pretzels, please?

Woody?

Oh, sorry, Dr. Crane.

I... I was just thinking
about how big the universe is.

Yes, it is, Woody.

As a matter of fact,

it's expanding
all the time.

Spiraling outward,
ad infinitum,

from the center
of its origin

at an alarming
seven miles per second.

You mean all of us
are getting bigger?

Well, no, Woody, we...
we're not expanding.

The universe is.

Although some of us
could stand to eat

a few less
jelly doughnuts.

So, as the universe expands,
what happens to us?

Well, someday
we'll just explode

into billions of atoms,

which themselves will
cease to exist in time.

Why, in ten
quadrillion years,

there'll be nothing
left of anything.

May I have
those pretzels now, Woody?

Sure, better get them
while you can.

(theme song begins)

# Making your way
in the world today #

# Takes everything you've got #

# Taking a break
from all your worries #

# Sure would help a lot #

# Wouldn't you like
to get away? #

# Sometimes you want to go #

# Where everybody
knows your name #

# And they're always
glad you came #

# You wanna be
where you can see #

# Our troubles
are all the same #

# You wanna be where
everybody knows your name #

# You wanna go
where people know #

# People are all the same #

# You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. #

Good morning, unwashed masses.

Hey, hey, a new suit
there, huh, Cliffie?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Like it?

Shiny as the penny
you spent on it.

Oh, no, sorry, ma'am.

No open flames
near this suit.

So, uh,...

what's the
occasion, Cliff?

My girlfriend,
Margaret.

Just picked her up
at the airport,

dropped her off
at the hotel.

She'll be by
in a few minutes.
All right!

Margaret's back
from Canada.

Yeah, yeah.
She just couldn't take

those brutal
freezing winters

those sub-zero
temperatures,

the lonely sense
of isolation,

so she's, uh, coming
back to me.

Yeah? Well, the grass
is always greener.

(chuckles)

Hey, Cliffie,
do we, uh, hear...

(glasses jingling)
wedding bells?
Ah.

(chuckling)

Not for this muchacho,
there, Sammy.

What are you talking about?
I thought you always wanted
to get married.

No, no, no, no.
No time soon, that's for sure.

Hey, there's still a lot of
postage left on this U.S. male.

Yeah, well, the only
real hurdle left is Ma.

Yeah?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's very traumatic

when the woman you love
more than anything else

in the world meets
your significant other.

Which would be
which, Cliff?

Well, now you see
my problem.

So, uh, what'd your ma say
when you told her?

Well, I'm gonna break it
to her this afternoon.

See, I came up
with this great idea.

I'm gonna tell her
in a public place

where I'm surrounded
by my friends, you see?

Then she'll have
to control herself

and she won't embarrass me.

Clifford,

for the hundredth time, if you
want to use my shower cap

in the morning, will you put it
back where you found it?

Perhaps as a reminder,

you'd like to wear it
for the rest of the day?

You know, suddenly
I see Cliff

as heroically
well-adjusted.

Sam, I was a little off
on payroll,

so I just made up
a bunch of numbers and...

What are you doing?
You're drinking coffee.

Yeah. So?

You can't drink coffee

when we're trying
to make a baby.

I don't know.

I'm pretty coordinated.

Sam, that's not the point.

You were supposed to stay
in peak physical condition.

You know, caffeine loading
could be the reason

why we haven't been
able to conceive for
the last two months.

Come on. It's just
a cup of coffee.

No, Sam, you have
to promise me something.

Till I am pregnant,
you have to stay
in better shape.

You have to stop
drinking coffee,

stop eating junk food

and stop staying up
late watching movies.

Why don't you just kill the man?

All right,
all right,
all right.

If you really think
this is important,

I'll, uh, I'll stop
drinking coffee.

All right, good.
I mean, we only have

two days left
in this month.

What do you mean?

Well, you see here
on the calendar,

I, I put a B for
baby on the days

when I'm likely
to conceive.

You know, the days when
we should make love.

That's funny.
I usually put an F.

F?

For "fertile."

What did you
think I meant?

You know...

I'm, I'm not so sure
I want you to carry my baby.

So, you see, the
entire region

might more accurately
be described

as "The Bermuda
Rhombus".

Well, thanks, Ma.
Mm-hmm.

Look, Ma, there's something
I think we'd better talk about,

and, uh, I'm not so sure
you want to hear it.

Well, what the heck,
here goes.

I, uh, I met somebody.

Yeah, actually,
more than a somebody.

It's a woman.

This isn't like the time
you had your heart set

on Priscilla
Presley, is it?

No, no, Ma.

This is more than a few
hundred silly letters.

I, uh, I actually
know this gal.

Yeah, see, her name
is Margaret.

She's from Canada.

I love her,
and she loves me.

Oh... I understand,
Clifford.

If this is the woman

you've chosen to
take my place...

I guess the only thing
for me to do is die.

Ma, what are you doing?

I'm dying.

You're not dying.

Will you stop it?
Come on.

No need to take me to
the graveyard, Clifford.

Just set me next
to your tubby
friend there.

And when I
start to bloat,

just toss me
in the Dumpster.

Thanks for bringing your ma by.

It's the way
I want to go,

alone in a bar without my son.

Anyone who is blood-type O
is welcome to my organs.

I don't recommend the heart.

It's been broken.

What's that, Grandma?

Come toward the light?

Ma!

Ma, you're not dying.

Now stop it!
(door opens)

CLIFF:
Oh, now here's
Margaret now.

So, let's go meet her,
and then now, please,

just behave yourself,
will you, Ma?

I'll put off dying just
long enough to meet her.

This is turning out
better than I expected.

Ma, this is Margaret.

Margaret, this is Ma.

Hello.

Hello.

Well, enough
of this chitchat, huh?

Listen, I've got some,
uh, lunch reservations up there

at Melville's for, uh, me
and my gals.

What do you say?

Oh, I get to have lunch,

and then it's off
to the ice floe.

Oh, you must
be referring
to the custom

of the Inuit people, where
they set their golden-agers

on an ice floe to die.

How did you
know that?

Oh, I love trivia.

Good answer.

Yeah, well, uh,
shall we go, ladies?

Mm.

Command of trivia
is one of the things

that attracted me
to Cliff.

Uh, that and his manners.

Good heavens.
His what?

His manners.

Oh, my dear, I thought
you said his manhood.

(laughs)

Sam, I...

Are you drinking coffee again?

No. No, no, this is for Norm.

(coughs)

I think I figured out

why you haven't been able
to give me a baby.

What makes you think
it's my fault?

Well, I've been doing
some reading,

and I think I know
what the problem is.

You wear bikini briefs,
don't you?

Sweetheart, I know the
lights are usually out,

but I do take 'em off.

Sam, look. Look--

according to this brochure,
briefs are bad for you.

They're constricting, they
raise your body temperature,

sometimes rendering your
little swimmers ineffectual.

Look at the little cartoon.

Oh, gee!

Sam, the bottom line is,

we have to lower
the temperature down there.

Well, how are we
gonna do that?

With these underpants lined
with freon-based gel.

You want me to wear
frozen underwear?

I, I'll freeze my....

Exactly.

Oh, I haven't looked
at these in ages.

MARGARET:
Is that Cliff?

Oh, my, no.

That's Clifford's father.

You see where Clifford
got his wide bottom.

Mm. I've always
wondered.

When Clifford was a baby,

we'd set him down
and gently push him over.

And wouldn't you know,
he'd pop right back up

just like, just like one
of those inflatable clowns!

(laughs)

Well, come on, sit,
sit, sit, please.

Bartender, how about
a couple of drinks

for my lovely
ladies here, huh?

In the meanwhile, I'll go
and, uh, use the facilities.

Clifford,
don't be vulgar.

Sorry, Ma.

So, Cliff,
how'd it go upstairs?

Oh, great.
They got along

like, uh, two
long-lost friends.

All through lunch,
it was just yak,
yak, yak, yak.

Couple of real
chatterboxes, huh?

Uh, no. Ma just knows
a lot of trivia about yaks.

Shall I make a
general announcement?

Oh, well, shouldn't
we wait for Cliff

to get back
from the restroom?

Oh, let's not hurry him.

That's his alone time.

(spoon rapping glass)

ESTHER:
Everybody,

I have an announcement to make.

This beautiful, young lady,
Margaret Catherine O'Keefe,

has agreed to become
my daughter-in-law.

Hey, what's going on?

Why, your wedding,
Clifford.

Uh, beg your pardon?

Isn't this great?!

I'm going to be
the next Mrs. Clavin!

He has the same look he had
when he took me to the prom.

Don't say no.

I want to buy you
a mobile home.

Now, I can't afford
the deluxe model

with the front
porch, so...

Oh, well,
that's okay.

We'll make it home.

I'm awfully handy.

I... I can make
a nice gravel garden,

and we can buy one
of those concrete gnomes.

You're already getting one.

Oh, this is
so exciting!

I'm about
ready to burst.

I have to go
call my parents.
Yeah. Yeah.

And, with any luck,
by this time next year,

we're going to hear
the pitter-patter

of little Clavin feet.

Woody... Woody,
hold this for me.

Hold this knife.

Lower.

(yelling)

Ah!

Ma, you know, this is
all happening so fast.

I mean, here I am
going to marry Margaret,

I don't even remember proposing.

No. If we waited
for you to propose,

I'd never be
a grandmother.

What are you talking about?

Oh, dear. I was
afraid of this.

I think we'd better
have a little talk.

Woody!

Two whiskeys, and
leave the bottle.

Now, I don't want you
to think

that I'm looking forward
to this

but with your father
out of the picture...

(breathes deeply)

...it's one of those crosses
I'm going to have to bear,

along with many others.

ESTHER:
Now, when

a man and woman love
each other very much,

they share a very special
kind... of... hug.

Ooh... ah!

Ma, look, you don't have
to tell me all this stuff.

I already know.

All right, who's
the dirty mouth

who's been telling
my son these things?

Only, um... only I used
a different word for "hug."

Here's a pamphlet to
fill in the many gaps

left by lover-boy
over there.

Read it. Read it before
your wedding night.

"Howard's New Feelings".

My parents are thrilled!

They're giving us a freezer
full of meat!

Wow! Huh?

Well, let's get busy.

We have so much to do.

We have to shop for a dress

and get a marriage license.

Oh, and the bakery!

We're going to have

a great big chocolate
wedding cake.

Whoa! Hold on there, Ma.

You know, I'm allergic
to chocolate, don't forget.

Then you may have
graham crackers.

Really?

Well, I'm off to get
that marriage license.

Now, before you go, Cliff,

I'd like to offer
my congratulations.

I, for one, will
be enthusiastically
tracking your development.

I mean, uh...
sharing your joy.

Thank you, Lilith.

Thank you very much.

Well, Cliff,
Cliff, Cliff, huh?

His life is never going to
be the same after this.

Yeah. Regular sex.

Wait a minute.

I thought you said
he was getting married.

CARLA:
Uh... Sammy, two beers.

Get them yourself.

You okay, Sam?

It's none of your business.

Sam, we're out
of olives.

That's your problem,
isn't it?

Gee, these shorts are cold!

I couldn't help
noticing, dear,

that all the wedding
dresses you favored
were pure white.

Can I assume
that's appropriate?

Well, here we are!

All right. Message received.

None of my business.

Say, uh... listen.

You're going to
marry Cliff, right?

That's right.

Well, could you just
do me a little favor?

What's that?

Don't bring any more
Clavins into this world.

It's not right.
It's just not right.

Poor, poor Carla.

Cliff told me all about
the affair you had with him.

And I just want you to know
that I bear no grudge.

I... I...

I...

I didn't know Carla
and Cliff had an affair.

That explains a lot.

That poor woman.

I know he cut her deeply
when he broke up with her.

But, Rebecca,
you seem to have bounced back.

Sammy, how's it going?

You ever try to start your car
on a really cold winter morning?

Yeah. Sure.

Yeah, well, nobody
in their right mind

would expect it to start.
Am I right?

Yeah. You're right.

Yeah, well,
you tell that to Rebecca!

Oh! Sorry I'm late, everybody.

How you doing?

You wouldn't believe
all those people

down at the marriage bureau
waiting for a license.

Pretty soon, Maggie,
it's going to be you and me.

We'll be joining them, huh?

I can't wait, Cliff.

I'm one happy fella!

Gosh, I'm happy!

And you're the one who
made me so happy, honey.

You're all invited
to the wedding.

Doc, can I see you
in the office, please?

Sure, Cliff.

I'll be with you in
just a minute, my betrothed.

Hey, who would have thought

Cliff Clavin was ready
for commitment?

Doc, you gotta help me.

I mean, it's all
happening so fast.

One minute, I...
I'm leading my life.

And the next minute,
before you know it,

I'm standing in a line
down at the marriage bureau

with a bunch of other people
waiting for a license.

I looked into their eyes.
You know what I saw?

The smell of death.

Aren't you exaggerating
just a bit?

Oh, no. Fras,
when I was a teenager,

I used to work
at a slaughterhouse.

And I watched them
when they brought them in,

and I watched them
when they took them out.

But I've never seen
nothing like that.

Ma's really done it
to me this time.

Cliff, why do you have
to do what she says?

She's Ma.

Look. Think back.

Have you ever stood up
to your mother?

Have you ever stood up
to Lilith?

Touch�, Cliff,

but we're not
discussing me.

Look, Fras, I know
what you're trying to say--

that I should stand up
to my mother.

Well, you're not
telling me anything

I haven't
been telling myself

since my 35th birthday.

It's just that, if I do,
it'll hurt Ma's feelings.

What about
Cliff's feelings?

Who cares about
Cliff's feelings?
You should.

You have the right to do
with your life what you will.

Don't worry about
what other people will think.

Your first
responsibility
is to you.

You're a real person,

worthy of consideration
and respect.

Am I interrupting
anything?

Oh, no, Maggie.
Just nothing important.

Cliff was, you know...

Cliff, is something wrong?

It's about the
wedding, Margaret.

I don't think I want to
get married just yet.

Why, Cliff?
Don't you love me?

Oh, Maggie,
of course I love you.

But, if we're going
to get married,

I want it to be our
decision, and not Ma's.

That woman has been making
decisions for me long enough.

We'll know in our hearts
when the time is right.

Oh, Cliff!

Maggie, when
I propose to you,

it's going to be the
most romantic thing
you've ever heard.

I don't know, Cliff.

It would be awfully hard
to beat the way your ma said it.

Yeah.

Oh, Margaret?

You'll, uh... you'll still
be my girlfriend, won't you?

Oh, yes, Cliff.

I understand
completely.

You want to be
your own man.

Exactly. All right!

Now, would you get out there
and tell that to my mother?

That's wonderful.

Good news, kiddies!

The wedding's going
to have a luau theme.

I've booked
the Tiki Hut
on Route Nine.

Ma, I want to talk to you.

You can stop grinding
that organ right now.

I'm taking off my little hat.

I'm not your monkey anymore.

Clifford, we haven't
got time for the
monkey speech.

We're too busy.

I love you, Ma,

but I'm not going to be
railroaded into marriage

just to make you happy.

You've been running
my life long enough,

and it's time for me
to take the wheel.

Why, Clifford Clavin,

how dare you speak
to your mother like that?!

I'm 42 years old,

and I'll speak to
you any way I wish!

My word!

Come on, Maggie!

We got a lot of living to do!

Whoo!

Oh! Oh!

You still with me, Maggie?

My tooth, Cliff!

MARGARET:
Ohh!

(both screaming)

I see I still have to do
everything for the boy.

(Cliff groans)

I'll be back for you
in a minute, Clifford!